Your 30 year old partner can decide for himself when and where he goes on holiday. If he wants to go to Colorado, he should do that. If he wants to go to Miami, he should do that. If he wants to go on holiday with YOU and not his parents, he should do that.
https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
I get it and thank you for the resource! And I'll definitely keep up the conversation with to help him solidify what he wants. And I guess part of the reason why I've thought of suggesting he don't go is because he's immensely struggling with setting boundaries with them. It's only been recently that he's gotten his mom to stop talking bad about me to him. Whenever he makes his own decisions that deter from what his parents want, particularly his mom, she lays on the waterworks. For example, his mom knew he had time off around my birthday. She was trying to get him to come visit them during his time off...on my birthday. When he said no, she started crying and asked him if they're terrible parents. Then started listing the people they know and how their adult kids visit them frequently. She knows how to make him feel bad, so he does what she wants to keep the peace because that's how she raised him: to be responsible for their emotions. Yes, he's in therapy to help deal with that. But in the process of unlearning past behaviors and learning how to set boundaries, I'm trying to figure out how to help him with it all in the meantime because I do care about his wellbeing and happiness. Sometimes that means interjecting and giving perspective so he doesn't end up repeating the endless cycle of them disrespecting him. The thing is though, I know he doesn't want to go to Miami and would prefer Colorado (cause he said that and agrees with all that I said). I wish I could somehow get him to stand up for what he wants to his parents, but based on past behaviors he'll just agree with what his parents want and absolutely hate it. Yeah, that's his decision to make, but shouldn't I be there to help him make better choices for himself as a partner should?
And I understand that I do have my own bias, hence me coming here to ask to gain a better perspective from those who may have encountered issues like this in their own relationships.
I hear your frustration, but you are over complicating this. You have layers of control and boundary issues, and possessiveness. The first step is quite simple - stop traveling with his parents. It’s going to suck. It always sucks. Stop expecting it not to suck and feel hurt when it does in fact suck.
Take out the very legitimate control issues and break it into something less emotionally loaded.
He KNOWS that his father will only eat at Bubba Gump. If you want to explore cuisine, you simply can’t travel with someone that only eats chain restaurants.
Look, I love my mom. My mom can only live at a temperature below 50 degrees. A road trip with her literally means I’m sleeping in three sweatshirts and using the lobby bathroom just so I can be warm for five damn minutes. I know this like I know she won’t wait in any line longer than 15 minutes. Working within these rules is the price of admission.
Now, let’s take it up a notch. It’s great that you’re coaching him on boundaries, but you’re still setting up fruitless conflict. Telling him to “do what he wants and eat what he wants” will absolutely not work. These people WILL NOT CHANGE. They’re never going to do what he wants. So he will dig very deep and work hard to set boundaries only to be completely and predictably steamrolled.
Do you know how you enforce boundaries? “Mom, that trip won’t work for me. Have fun though!” “Dad, that doesn’t work with my schedule.” Done. No wiggling, no prevarication, no justification.
I appreciate the feedback! And I guess I'm confused as to how me suggesting he not go is controlling, but then at the end your suggestions say he shouldn't go so he wouldn't get boundaries stomped. I can see where the controlling aspect comes from based on how it's explained in the post, but there's a ton of history underneath it all that provide those reasonings I mentioned. He's gone on multiple vacations without me. He's planning one where him and a bunch of his online friends are meeting up and I've encouraged that. He's gone on ski trips with just his parents or other friends because I'm more of a beginner and I know he wants to go on double black diamonds with other people. I love seeing his passion and love for the sport and I don't want to hinder that just because I'm still a beginner or even with the mountain biking trip that was suggested. I didn't want him to worry if I was having fun so he could enjoy riding. I've even gone on trips myself, such as visiting my sister. So it's definitely not a matter of me inserting on every trip he has.
Recently I had to set a boundary where whenever we visit his parents we need to stay at a hotel rather than with them because his mom continuously would try to come into our room and one time I had to explain that she couldn't come in because I was changing. She couldn't accept a simple closed door. And the suggestion that he eats elsewhere came from him being able to exercise a boundary he could have with his parents so he could make part of the trip his own and still do what he wants instead of bending to every want and desire his parents have and hating the whole trip. I wish he could have a loving and wonderful relationship with his parents, but I care more about his happiness and that's why I want to help him.
On reflection, I realize that I was a little muddled and perhaps overly focused on one thing. I also never meant to imply you were controlling - I just meant to acknowledge that the in-laws are.
I was specifically speaking to your advice to set boundaries on food or activities while they are on a trip together, not set up boundaries overall. I called this one out because it’s the one occasion in this whole ordeal that has the least likelihood of success. If you know his father has forever dictated all activities and meals, he’s just going to beat his head against a wall on this one. For someone so new to boundary setting, that can be demoralizing and set back his progress. I applaud you for the boundaries you have set for your trips there - both saves your sanity and it’s good modeling for him.
I actually wholeheartedly encourage that he not go. It’s the easiest boundary for him to set. Perhaps lead him to the conclusion though. “I know you struggled on the last trip. It looks like the same dynamic is happening on this one. I’m worried you will be in the same situation again.” This is something he’s going to have to get to on his own. Deep down, he has to accept that he can’t earn his parents’ regard.
Let’s face it - they’re assholes. They’re awful people that you would never voluntarily associate with. The psychological damage they’ve done runs deep. It’ll be a long uphill climb for him to challenge all of that.
Thank you for the clarification and where I misinterpreted your statement. I appreciate it.
I will say that one reason he hasn't visited them again is because it's much easier to set a boundary that way instead of being there and setting some really hard boundaries that require more effort and emotional stability (especially when his mom cries when being told no). And I get where he's coming from because when you're put in the same environment that caused your trauma, you revert back to how you used to be to keep you safe. That's the same way for me and my parents and why I don't even talk to them, but at least it's easier for me to stand up for myself since I've had longer practice. And with the boundary I mentioned earlier about staying at a hotel rather than his parents, he doesn't feel strong enough to stand by it because he knows his parents will react unfavorably. And it is sad because his parents' place is such a beautiful property and waking up with a river right outside your window is so peaceful...til it's not.
I like your advice and another commenter's who suggested I should focus on his emotions and lead him to discover his wants. And after then I can help him stand strong in his wants, like going to Colorado with or without his parents. After then I think that's when we should start setting a boundary we work on together on what it means to vacation with our families. What we expect or want when planning happens and then what we would do when those expectations or wants are not met.
I think you need to take a step back from this. This vacation doesn't have anything to do with you and doesn't impact you. What YOU want your partner to do doesn't really matter. You should not provide input and let him figure it out. I get you want to help him set boundaries but this is his thing to deal with. You providing all of this extra input and sharing your feelings around it just makes it more difficult for him. You are making him juggle his parent's feelings, his feelings, and your feelings right now. Since this trip doesn't impact you, take your feelings out the equation for him.
All that said, I get why you're frustrated. I think you guys should have shot down the previous ski trip suggestion since you already had Christmas plans. Next time they suggest a trip, let them know that you guys have been wanting to vacation together so you can all 4 do something together if they want to combine trips.
Thank you for this. He did ask for my opinion/thoughts on the matter, but I think in the future I'll try to remain more curious and ask questions about how he's feeling about all of it. That way there's more of a focus on his emotions rather than mine coming into the mix.
Funny thing is, while at the beach for our anniversary I was talking to him about doing a beach trip with his parents because I know how much his mom wants to be at the beach. I even started looking for places that the four of us could stay that wasn't just a hotel and started sending my partner links so we could start planning (I don't talk to his parents, so he would be the one to give them the info). I keep trying to bring up ways we could all four do vacations together, but each time his parents plan something, I'm not invited. And they have shown other actions in the past they don't see us as our own family unit. I don't mind him taking vacations with his parents or even his friends without me, cause we both have friends-only plans coming up. But it's hard when his parents continuously exclude me despite me treating his mom well, encouraging him to do weekly dinners at their place, or even helping his dad find his stolen car when we lived over a thousand miles away (use of social media and peer pressuring the police by continuously sharing any and all information to track it down). And I know it's not me, it's any woman he would be with his mom would have an issue (confirmed by my partner in couples therapy). I feel like I wish it was something with me because at least then it's something I could work on.
> I keep trying to bring up ways we could all four do vacations together, but each time his parents plan something, I'm not invited.
Perhaps a boundary HE can set is, if [partner] isn't welcome then I am not coming.
Some reading for him: https://captainawkward.com/2012/05/07/240-my-parents-hate-my-partner-what-do-i-do/
Has he ever asked his parents why they don't invite you or mentioned to them that it hurts his feelings? I'm wondering if they are aware of the issue or not.
I would totally understand if your response is no and you think it should be obvious... because I agree that it should. It seems like these people might need to be directly told though!
He feels he can't express his feelings to them (his mom calls his therapy appointments "happy time"). His dad isn't remotely emotionally available and his mom pushes all of her emotions on him, especially with anxiety. She basically relied on my partner to be her replacement husband for most of his life. My partner feels like he can talk to my dad better than his own, and I rarely meet up with my parents due to them being abusive in their own ways. One time when we lived in Colorado, there were two events happening where the majority of my extended family lives (I'm the youngest of 23 cousins on my dad's side). I don't get to see that side of the family often. Plus it was my brother's wedding party since they were getting married in India and the majority of us couldn't come. So I flew in to see my family and my partner couldn't come due to work. Soon after this his mom wanted him to visit and JUST him because I got to see my family by myself, so he HAS to see his family by himself. She thought it was fair.
I'm honestly not sure what all he has said to them along the lines of them saying that hurts him. Quite frankly I feel like he hasn't because then that would mean having to handle all of their emotions and his own. The one time I stood up for myself against her, she told him I was being hateful. I agree with you though and they should be dealt with directly.
>I keep trying to bring up ways we could all four do vacations together
I strongly, strongly recommend that you not do this. These people are terrible to vacation with! You know that! They're not going to behave any better on a trip that you plan (which they will attempt to hijack to fit their own tastes anyway) than on a trip they plan. You won't have any more fun than your partner is having now.
Your partner does not have to vacation with his parents. Ever. The only way to end the vacation drama is for him to stop doing the same thing and expecting different results. "Sorry, Mom and Dad, I'm not going to be able to make it this time. Have fun!" Repeat as necessary.
I think I do this just out of hope. I know that's a bit naive to do. I wish he could have a good relationship with his parents since I don't with mine and I don't want to come off as the DIL/girlfriend that comes off as he can't see his parents. But there is some truth that there will be no change in them, no matter how much hoping or wishing happens. And since he's not able to set most boundaries with them, it's not good to put him in the lion's den before he's ready to defend himself to stay safe.
You're right. They don't see you as a family unit. But they don't have to, because you're not married. To many people, that matters.
You're also right: they see him as a child and make decisions for him. But if they're paying for the vacation, they get to do that. That's what paying for things gets you.
I mean my own family view us as a unit. We live together, share in household expenses, have three cats together, and of course planning for our future. My own family knows that we plan on getting married, but his parents deny it. His mom offered to buy him a house that's a few houses down from her even though he can't work in their state since he's not licensed. No offer to buy him a house where he actually lives or works. Of course we would deny the help because of strings attached. She has tried to insert herself into our relationship to break us up in the past. She only wants him to herself. Her happy place would be to have him living back home with them. Even when married, she will never accept it. She will be one of those mothers that views the wedding as the saddest day of her life because he was her replacement husband. Like I said, she fully believes I ripped him away from his parents even though I gave my partner the opportunity to live in HIS dream state (I intentionally applied for a job there that was a great opportunity for me too). The dream state he expressed multiple times living in to his parents who intentionally didn't listen because they thought he would stay around them forever.
I did tell him that though, that he does need to pay for his own way and everything if he goes because of exactly what you said. Him not paying just adds fuel to that belief he's still just their child and has to do what they want.
Ugh, this sounds awful and I’m really sorry. I kind of hope that you want to be child free, because this MIL around a grandchild would be an absolute nightmare!
Honestly both of us have considered being child free because we have trauma from our families. But at the same time we are working hard on ourselves so if the time comes we’ll be better than they ever were. Seeing how awful grandparents my parents make to my nieces definitely (and unfortunately) help me realize the kind of hard set boundaries I would have in place, such as never leaving a child alone with either set of grandparents. I know it’ll be a challenge to have a small circle of support, but if it means raising kids more emotionally intelligent then that’s fine. But we are still a few years away from being ready to have kids and we’re both okay with that. And if it doesn’t come, it doesn’t. Though I won’t exclude the option to foster/adopt when we’re ready to provide a stable home.
I would suggest no more family vacations with his family. He can go visit them when he wants but for vacations, they're on their own. As for this trip in July, I'd suggest your partner go with you to visit your sister.
To a degree I agree, but I don't want to be the one to suggest it. If he comes up with that boundary on his own, then that's great. But I don't think it's my place to suggest that. I know I wouldn't want him to with my own family (they have a lot of their own issues and I already have a boundary in place where I refuse to travel in the same car as them). But I do think we need to come up with something going forward to ensure we're on the same page of what we both want and can help each other enforce the boundary.
His parents' last-minute change of vacation plans is a clear display of disrespect and disregard for his wishes. It's crucial for him to set boundaries and prioritize his own desires. Encourage him to stand up for himself and consider alternative ways to spend his time off that align with his values and goals. It's essential for him to assert his independence and not be manipulated into activities that don't bring him joy.
Your 30 year old partner can decide for himself when and where he goes on holiday. If he wants to go to Colorado, he should do that. If he wants to go to Miami, he should do that. If he wants to go on holiday with YOU and not his parents, he should do that. https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
I get it and thank you for the resource! And I'll definitely keep up the conversation with to help him solidify what he wants. And I guess part of the reason why I've thought of suggesting he don't go is because he's immensely struggling with setting boundaries with them. It's only been recently that he's gotten his mom to stop talking bad about me to him. Whenever he makes his own decisions that deter from what his parents want, particularly his mom, she lays on the waterworks. For example, his mom knew he had time off around my birthday. She was trying to get him to come visit them during his time off...on my birthday. When he said no, she started crying and asked him if they're terrible parents. Then started listing the people they know and how their adult kids visit them frequently. She knows how to make him feel bad, so he does what she wants to keep the peace because that's how she raised him: to be responsible for their emotions. Yes, he's in therapy to help deal with that. But in the process of unlearning past behaviors and learning how to set boundaries, I'm trying to figure out how to help him with it all in the meantime because I do care about his wellbeing and happiness. Sometimes that means interjecting and giving perspective so he doesn't end up repeating the endless cycle of them disrespecting him. The thing is though, I know he doesn't want to go to Miami and would prefer Colorado (cause he said that and agrees with all that I said). I wish I could somehow get him to stand up for what he wants to his parents, but based on past behaviors he'll just agree with what his parents want and absolutely hate it. Yeah, that's his decision to make, but shouldn't I be there to help him make better choices for himself as a partner should? And I understand that I do have my own bias, hence me coming here to ask to gain a better perspective from those who may have encountered issues like this in their own relationships.
https://captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247-marrying-into-a-family-with-awful-boundary-issues-or-secrets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/
I hear your frustration, but you are over complicating this. You have layers of control and boundary issues, and possessiveness. The first step is quite simple - stop traveling with his parents. It’s going to suck. It always sucks. Stop expecting it not to suck and feel hurt when it does in fact suck. Take out the very legitimate control issues and break it into something less emotionally loaded. He KNOWS that his father will only eat at Bubba Gump. If you want to explore cuisine, you simply can’t travel with someone that only eats chain restaurants. Look, I love my mom. My mom can only live at a temperature below 50 degrees. A road trip with her literally means I’m sleeping in three sweatshirts and using the lobby bathroom just so I can be warm for five damn minutes. I know this like I know she won’t wait in any line longer than 15 minutes. Working within these rules is the price of admission. Now, let’s take it up a notch. It’s great that you’re coaching him on boundaries, but you’re still setting up fruitless conflict. Telling him to “do what he wants and eat what he wants” will absolutely not work. These people WILL NOT CHANGE. They’re never going to do what he wants. So he will dig very deep and work hard to set boundaries only to be completely and predictably steamrolled. Do you know how you enforce boundaries? “Mom, that trip won’t work for me. Have fun though!” “Dad, that doesn’t work with my schedule.” Done. No wiggling, no prevarication, no justification.
I appreciate the feedback! And I guess I'm confused as to how me suggesting he not go is controlling, but then at the end your suggestions say he shouldn't go so he wouldn't get boundaries stomped. I can see where the controlling aspect comes from based on how it's explained in the post, but there's a ton of history underneath it all that provide those reasonings I mentioned. He's gone on multiple vacations without me. He's planning one where him and a bunch of his online friends are meeting up and I've encouraged that. He's gone on ski trips with just his parents or other friends because I'm more of a beginner and I know he wants to go on double black diamonds with other people. I love seeing his passion and love for the sport and I don't want to hinder that just because I'm still a beginner or even with the mountain biking trip that was suggested. I didn't want him to worry if I was having fun so he could enjoy riding. I've even gone on trips myself, such as visiting my sister. So it's definitely not a matter of me inserting on every trip he has. Recently I had to set a boundary where whenever we visit his parents we need to stay at a hotel rather than with them because his mom continuously would try to come into our room and one time I had to explain that she couldn't come in because I was changing. She couldn't accept a simple closed door. And the suggestion that he eats elsewhere came from him being able to exercise a boundary he could have with his parents so he could make part of the trip his own and still do what he wants instead of bending to every want and desire his parents have and hating the whole trip. I wish he could have a loving and wonderful relationship with his parents, but I care more about his happiness and that's why I want to help him.
On reflection, I realize that I was a little muddled and perhaps overly focused on one thing. I also never meant to imply you were controlling - I just meant to acknowledge that the in-laws are. I was specifically speaking to your advice to set boundaries on food or activities while they are on a trip together, not set up boundaries overall. I called this one out because it’s the one occasion in this whole ordeal that has the least likelihood of success. If you know his father has forever dictated all activities and meals, he’s just going to beat his head against a wall on this one. For someone so new to boundary setting, that can be demoralizing and set back his progress. I applaud you for the boundaries you have set for your trips there - both saves your sanity and it’s good modeling for him. I actually wholeheartedly encourage that he not go. It’s the easiest boundary for him to set. Perhaps lead him to the conclusion though. “I know you struggled on the last trip. It looks like the same dynamic is happening on this one. I’m worried you will be in the same situation again.” This is something he’s going to have to get to on his own. Deep down, he has to accept that he can’t earn his parents’ regard. Let’s face it - they’re assholes. They’re awful people that you would never voluntarily associate with. The psychological damage they’ve done runs deep. It’ll be a long uphill climb for him to challenge all of that.
Thank you for the clarification and where I misinterpreted your statement. I appreciate it. I will say that one reason he hasn't visited them again is because it's much easier to set a boundary that way instead of being there and setting some really hard boundaries that require more effort and emotional stability (especially when his mom cries when being told no). And I get where he's coming from because when you're put in the same environment that caused your trauma, you revert back to how you used to be to keep you safe. That's the same way for me and my parents and why I don't even talk to them, but at least it's easier for me to stand up for myself since I've had longer practice. And with the boundary I mentioned earlier about staying at a hotel rather than his parents, he doesn't feel strong enough to stand by it because he knows his parents will react unfavorably. And it is sad because his parents' place is such a beautiful property and waking up with a river right outside your window is so peaceful...til it's not. I like your advice and another commenter's who suggested I should focus on his emotions and lead him to discover his wants. And after then I can help him stand strong in his wants, like going to Colorado with or without his parents. After then I think that's when we should start setting a boundary we work on together on what it means to vacation with our families. What we expect or want when planning happens and then what we would do when those expectations or wants are not met.
I think you need to take a step back from this. This vacation doesn't have anything to do with you and doesn't impact you. What YOU want your partner to do doesn't really matter. You should not provide input and let him figure it out. I get you want to help him set boundaries but this is his thing to deal with. You providing all of this extra input and sharing your feelings around it just makes it more difficult for him. You are making him juggle his parent's feelings, his feelings, and your feelings right now. Since this trip doesn't impact you, take your feelings out the equation for him. All that said, I get why you're frustrated. I think you guys should have shot down the previous ski trip suggestion since you already had Christmas plans. Next time they suggest a trip, let them know that you guys have been wanting to vacation together so you can all 4 do something together if they want to combine trips.
Thank you for this. He did ask for my opinion/thoughts on the matter, but I think in the future I'll try to remain more curious and ask questions about how he's feeling about all of it. That way there's more of a focus on his emotions rather than mine coming into the mix. Funny thing is, while at the beach for our anniversary I was talking to him about doing a beach trip with his parents because I know how much his mom wants to be at the beach. I even started looking for places that the four of us could stay that wasn't just a hotel and started sending my partner links so we could start planning (I don't talk to his parents, so he would be the one to give them the info). I keep trying to bring up ways we could all four do vacations together, but each time his parents plan something, I'm not invited. And they have shown other actions in the past they don't see us as our own family unit. I don't mind him taking vacations with his parents or even his friends without me, cause we both have friends-only plans coming up. But it's hard when his parents continuously exclude me despite me treating his mom well, encouraging him to do weekly dinners at their place, or even helping his dad find his stolen car when we lived over a thousand miles away (use of social media and peer pressuring the police by continuously sharing any and all information to track it down). And I know it's not me, it's any woman he would be with his mom would have an issue (confirmed by my partner in couples therapy). I feel like I wish it was something with me because at least then it's something I could work on.
> I keep trying to bring up ways we could all four do vacations together, but each time his parents plan something, I'm not invited. Perhaps a boundary HE can set is, if [partner] isn't welcome then I am not coming. Some reading for him: https://captainawkward.com/2012/05/07/240-my-parents-hate-my-partner-what-do-i-do/
Has he ever asked his parents why they don't invite you or mentioned to them that it hurts his feelings? I'm wondering if they are aware of the issue or not. I would totally understand if your response is no and you think it should be obvious... because I agree that it should. It seems like these people might need to be directly told though!
He feels he can't express his feelings to them (his mom calls his therapy appointments "happy time"). His dad isn't remotely emotionally available and his mom pushes all of her emotions on him, especially with anxiety. She basically relied on my partner to be her replacement husband for most of his life. My partner feels like he can talk to my dad better than his own, and I rarely meet up with my parents due to them being abusive in their own ways. One time when we lived in Colorado, there were two events happening where the majority of my extended family lives (I'm the youngest of 23 cousins on my dad's side). I don't get to see that side of the family often. Plus it was my brother's wedding party since they were getting married in India and the majority of us couldn't come. So I flew in to see my family and my partner couldn't come due to work. Soon after this his mom wanted him to visit and JUST him because I got to see my family by myself, so he HAS to see his family by himself. She thought it was fair. I'm honestly not sure what all he has said to them along the lines of them saying that hurts him. Quite frankly I feel like he hasn't because then that would mean having to handle all of their emotions and his own. The one time I stood up for myself against her, she told him I was being hateful. I agree with you though and they should be dealt with directly.
>I keep trying to bring up ways we could all four do vacations together I strongly, strongly recommend that you not do this. These people are terrible to vacation with! You know that! They're not going to behave any better on a trip that you plan (which they will attempt to hijack to fit their own tastes anyway) than on a trip they plan. You won't have any more fun than your partner is having now. Your partner does not have to vacation with his parents. Ever. The only way to end the vacation drama is for him to stop doing the same thing and expecting different results. "Sorry, Mom and Dad, I'm not going to be able to make it this time. Have fun!" Repeat as necessary.
I think I do this just out of hope. I know that's a bit naive to do. I wish he could have a good relationship with his parents since I don't with mine and I don't want to come off as the DIL/girlfriend that comes off as he can't see his parents. But there is some truth that there will be no change in them, no matter how much hoping or wishing happens. And since he's not able to set most boundaries with them, it's not good to put him in the lion's den before he's ready to defend himself to stay safe.
You're right. They don't see you as a family unit. But they don't have to, because you're not married. To many people, that matters. You're also right: they see him as a child and make decisions for him. But if they're paying for the vacation, they get to do that. That's what paying for things gets you.
I mean my own family view us as a unit. We live together, share in household expenses, have three cats together, and of course planning for our future. My own family knows that we plan on getting married, but his parents deny it. His mom offered to buy him a house that's a few houses down from her even though he can't work in their state since he's not licensed. No offer to buy him a house where he actually lives or works. Of course we would deny the help because of strings attached. She has tried to insert herself into our relationship to break us up in the past. She only wants him to herself. Her happy place would be to have him living back home with them. Even when married, she will never accept it. She will be one of those mothers that views the wedding as the saddest day of her life because he was her replacement husband. Like I said, she fully believes I ripped him away from his parents even though I gave my partner the opportunity to live in HIS dream state (I intentionally applied for a job there that was a great opportunity for me too). The dream state he expressed multiple times living in to his parents who intentionally didn't listen because they thought he would stay around them forever. I did tell him that though, that he does need to pay for his own way and everything if he goes because of exactly what you said. Him not paying just adds fuel to that belief he's still just their child and has to do what they want.
Ugh, this sounds awful and I’m really sorry. I kind of hope that you want to be child free, because this MIL around a grandchild would be an absolute nightmare!
Honestly both of us have considered being child free because we have trauma from our families. But at the same time we are working hard on ourselves so if the time comes we’ll be better than they ever were. Seeing how awful grandparents my parents make to my nieces definitely (and unfortunately) help me realize the kind of hard set boundaries I would have in place, such as never leaving a child alone with either set of grandparents. I know it’ll be a challenge to have a small circle of support, but if it means raising kids more emotionally intelligent then that’s fine. But we are still a few years away from being ready to have kids and we’re both okay with that. And if it doesn’t come, it doesn’t. Though I won’t exclude the option to foster/adopt when we’re ready to provide a stable home.
I would suggest no more family vacations with his family. He can go visit them when he wants but for vacations, they're on their own. As for this trip in July, I'd suggest your partner go with you to visit your sister.
To a degree I agree, but I don't want to be the one to suggest it. If he comes up with that boundary on his own, then that's great. But I don't think it's my place to suggest that. I know I wouldn't want him to with my own family (they have a lot of their own issues and I already have a boundary in place where I refuse to travel in the same car as them). But I do think we need to come up with something going forward to ensure we're on the same page of what we both want and can help each other enforce the boundary.
If their behavior is now affecting your relationship then, yes, it absolutely is your place to bring it up to him.
His parents' last-minute change of vacation plans is a clear display of disrespect and disregard for his wishes. It's crucial for him to set boundaries and prioritize his own desires. Encourage him to stand up for himself and consider alternative ways to spend his time off that align with his values and goals. It's essential for him to assert his independence and not be manipulated into activities that don't bring him joy.