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He's either not interested in sex in general or just doesn't find you sexually attractive. Either way this isn't how you want to live and it's not something you can make him change. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
Well OP should hop to it and move on. If you have to talk about it, it's already a problem. Especially at that age. It absolutely changes everything. If/when he FINALLY does, OP will not enjoy it because it will feel forced just like those "forced " compliments. A wise Redditor once told me to learn what was meant to be learned and move on. He was right. I ditched that r/deadbedrooms relationship and am much happier for doing so.
Let's not problematize "having to talk about it". Nobody is a mindreader, not even people who know their partners well, so let's not make it seem like something needing to be talked about means that it's A Problem before a single word has been spoken.
I'm thinking relationship fatigue is probably playing a factor in OP's turning sour. They've been together for **seven years** after all, which is quite a long time for a non-marital relationship that isn't even common law.
I reckon there's a possibility that OP's BF has wanted more than mere physical intimacy, but OP doesn't want to commit to anything serious just yet. OP's post doesn't mention the two of them ever speaking about marriage/plans for the future/etc., after all. OP can't really expect her BF to just be an outlet for her sexual urges.
There's obviously a lack of detail here from the BF's side, but based on the few comments he's made thus far, it seems to point to there being other relationship problems besides the sex. Which we do not have any context of.
It does sound like he might have ED, but first make sure he is not a porn addict. It could be difficult for him to become erect in a real relationship setting if he is used to watching a lot of porn. It is becoming more and more normal for young males to have ED. Luckily there are websites like Roman or Hims that are very convenient to solve this problem.
Depression, not exercising regularly, or porn addiction can all attribute to ED. Use viagra and similar medications as a last resort.
He should be a bit to young for that to really manifest that much. I was a slow starter/nervous in a way when I met my wife 23 years ago but it dissapeared after a few months but stress and lack of exercise drags it out again. Living very healthy now and its never been better inspite age.
You have VASTLY different expectations about a relationship and they are not compatible. He feels pressured, which is not OK, and you feel neglected and unfulfilled, which is not OK.
What is ok, is walking away from anything that makes you feel bad. Cut your losses, do BOTH of you a favour and move on. If he wants a 'little puppy' that doesn't nag or have sex with him, let him get an actual little puppy.
Kinda digressing here, but it's crazy to think how many people from the 'boomer' Era just stayed in unhappy marriages. Was reading about how divorce rates are still climbing, but im fairly certain it just has to do with people now knowing that they can just leave? To be fair, I think a lot of people get married too soon, but yes, OP, just LEAVE if you arent happy. I know it sounds easier said than done, but you will be able to find someone you are sexually compatible with, I promise (happened to me).
I'm over 50. It's wild to me how reddit advises leaving the relationship over things that I consider uncool, but not that bad. "He doesn't like it when you wear a cocktail dress with no underwear out on the town? Leave him, he's too controlling."
Umm, really? That's a show stopper? It's a minor disagreement.
Having said that, I'd never stay with this guy. I need a much more active connection than he provides.
I agree that reddit is VERY quick to say immediate divorce or break ups. However, this situation seems like it's a big one. Sex is probably one of the top 5 things in a relationship at least, and it seems to have been an issue for a while. There is nothing wrong with struggling, talking it out, and then problem solving together. This seems like a "continuing to beat a dead horse" situation.
Apologies OP for a lengthy reply, but a lot of Redditors need to hear this. TLDR; OPs boyfriend is likely suffering from performance anxiety and is afraid to have another bad experience.
To begin with @grantorinogravity, that's quite an ignorant comment, but it's to be expected from some younger generation. Just do your best to correct yourself moving forward. I'm a millennial only in my mid thirties and I can tell you theres a whole lot more to the "boomer era" sticking together in unhappy marriages than just "not realizing they can leave." ... *Facepalm*
Secondly, it's never good advice to simply point someone towards the exit door (unless obvious; cheating, violence, etc) when they present a question that reminds you of a time you were in a similar scenario. Imagine you sat down with a therapist, and instead of putting in any actual effort to understand the complexity of different angles, you were advised to break up immediately because there's simply "more fish in the sea".
There's a reason she's here seeking advice. So please, yourself and any other regulars of this awful reddit "dump him sis" culture of the last decade, all need to stop perpetuating the easy way out unless it's the obvious and dignified route.
Divorce rates skyrocketing have nothing to do with people having some instant epiphany that they can leave.
The absolute nuclear explosion that took place in the porn industry in the early 2000's, when high speed internet was beginning to take off, gave everyone the easiest possible access to their deepest sexual fantasies and it became less taboo. Then the advent of social media followed shortly afterwards and gave everyone the easiest possible platform to network, sneak around (infidelity) and act on these overwhelmingly abundant sexual fantasies that the aforementioned porn industry had exacerbated.
Social media (dating sites/apps included) and porn combined, wreak absolute havoc on our human minds -- any intro level psychology course will clear this up for you. Having a cell phone in your hands with nearly instant anonymity and seemingly endless "sexual opportunities" is the largest reason for divorce statistics, not because you think old boomers were somehow less clever than today's youth and leaving never crossed their mind... *Facepalm again*
Clearly after 7 years together, OP and her bf are deeply in love. As a man who got a late start at his sex life (around OP same age), I was plagued by performance anxiety about a couple of nervous encounters when I was younger in my highschool to late teen years.
That crippled my chances at a many good relationships with great girls because I was too young and afraid to communicate my fear of underperforming and not living up to "porn standards" that society has come to expect out of men. So instead I would "brush off" sex or delay it, or make excuses. Anything seemed better than the trauma of dealing with an angry/upset partner or being laughed at for finishing too early again.
Obviously here on Reddit we can only speculate, but I'm leaning heavily towards OPs boyfriend is being crippled by that same performance anxiety over his first bad experience together. Any young man that age, full of testosterone and sexual excitement, will not be experiencing ED due to medical reasons (rare exceptions).
My advice to OP is confront him and ask straight up and honestly, "Did our first time together cause any emotional trauma? Is there something I can do to help you feel more comfortable next time we try?". Be understanding and nurturing when you approach him about it. Sex is obviously important to you, but I'm willing to bet it's equally as important to him, if not more (hence he doesn't want to perform again and risk looking worse the second time).
The first time I was with an older woman in my early twenties, I took a shot in the dark and decided to explain to my date what kind of performance anxiety I had from bad experiences with younger judgmental girls. She completely understood (she was 33) and even thought it was cute of me, but brave, to own up to on a first date. She saw potential in me and even though I was still hella nervous when we got undressed (and after she praised me for getting that first nervous nut out of the way), I rocked that bedframe into the ground. Eventually all of those missed opportunities when I was younger, suddenly began reaching out to me again and wanted to "rekindle" after noticing this new found confidence I was walking around with.
My point to take away is this; don't sign off of a 7 year relationship if his sexual deterrence is the only issue you see, and there's a resolution as simple as clearer communication. Don't let go only to find out later that another woman helped break him out of his shell, because he might blossom and you could certainly regret it. Instead OP, YOU could be the one and only person to help break him out of his shell.
Lastly, and ONE more time... Stop listening to Reddit Karens continue to advise, "walking away". You might as well go confront random strangers at a bus stop and ask for their opinion, they'll give you that same answer because, well it requires less brain cycles.
Single miserable people will continue handing out miserable single people advice.
Indeed, walking away isn't always the best solution. If both parties are willing to make an effort and if there's still love and respect, there's still room for the relationship.
I'm 39 and I've been married for 13 years. There are good times and bad times. But the love never went away! And for that you need a lot of communication and patience too 😉
But of course, to each their own.
Perhaps my comment came off "karen" to you, but that's not how I meant it. I would also like to say that I am also a millennial in my mid-thirties, and I am not single, giving "miserable single people advice." I am very happy in my current relationship which is where some of my comment fueled from.
I guess where I was coming from was from having been in a relationship where I wasn't happy, and staying there too long trying to give ex the benefit of the doubt. I kept making excuses for him and hiding his true nature from friends and family, and I admit, that likely influenced my comment, despite the fact that my physically abusive ex and OPs current bf seemingly have nothing in common, based on this one post. I will keep that in mind going forward because I dislike the reddit narrative of "dump him immediately" as soon as there is a disagreement.
That being said, I do think it is important for people to realize that they have the option to leave if they aren't happy. Sure, OP doesn't need to throw away 7 years if this is something minor to them. But so many people stay in relationships even when they have mentally checked out and that's not necessary. The fact that OP is even making this post could very well be them seeking validation for wanting to leave already (but that could also be a jump to a non-conclusion). I stayed with my ex for about a year at the end of the relationship, hoping so much that I could make things work with us and I couldn't. I put myself through a lot of unnecessary turmoil when I should have just left. I am now with someone who makes me so incredibly happy, that it makes me upset with myself for having so little respect for myself that I stayed with my ex for as long as I did. I think thats where my perspective was coming from.
I don't think anyone is going to be able to tell you what's wrong with your bf, but no, this is not normal, and he doesn't seem willing to communicate about it or hear your thoughts and feelings on the subject. It's not even clear if he can't or just simply won't. You've tied yourself to this guy since high school and this is both your first relationship. Listen to me- there's lots and lots of people in the world. Lots and lots of people who will make you happier than this guy, who will not only find you attractive, but tell you they find you attractive, want to pay attention to you, actually make you feel like you're more than a puppy that's followed them home.
Usually the first relationship is an eye opener, the ones after that are usually the relationships you try to get the kind of partner you want and need. Second or third relationships tend to be the ones. There’s no point in settling in a relationship with anyone who isn’t willing to listen & communicate feelings.
That's such a good point. This has been a really long first relationship for both of them. It almost seems like they've stalled in the transition from teenage to adult style relationships because it's comfortable for him.
Breaking up would likely be better for them, but actually doing it is going to be painful. The first final breakup hurts, I can see why they've been putting it off. I don't envy them.
I wouldn’t say there’s anything wrong with him for having a low libido. But he’s clearly not communicating some things to OP. Maybe an explanation that his sex drive is just not compatible with hers? and an explanation for the source of the frustration he’s expressing. Regardless this relationship sounds like it’s been going nowhere for a long time.
He may be asexual and obviously that is not compatible with you. There are other asexual people out there and that is who he should be with (or quit porn). YOU deserve better!!
Probably a good thing you don’t live together. I hope you move on this is a huge discrepancy to get over.
Some people do not have the need for sex but apparently you are not one of these people. If your boyfriend has not have a sex drive it might be a problem. You are too young to not enjoy sex more frequently and unfortunately you cannot put pressure in anyone in order to compliment you, it should come naturally.
That being said, since it's a long term relationship you can always give it a try by giving him a boost. You can ask him if there is sth that intrigues him more (maybe he likes sth specific, not necessarily like a fetich but it may be sth personal). Or maybe he has not find out things he like yet and you can discover them together by trying out new stuff 🙂
I was in a marriage exactly the same and I left, my friends asked me if he was gay too.
It slowed down once we got married and then after we had our daughter it slowed down and after our son it was non existent.
I spoke to him on several occasions and his answer we will have more sex and I don’t really think about it. I felt like we were flat mates I left after 11 years.
I actually think he just wasn’t sexual and he had a naturally selfish nature. I’m sorry it won’t come back. Life is short.
Life is too short. I have been married once he just married for the fourth time, everyone left him what’s the common denominator 😏
Why are all the stories about porn addicted AHs these days? Yes, we know, they can't enjoy real life sex and appear to have ED but don't actually, their drug of choice is porn. They withdraw from their partners, likely the guilt of neglecting them.
Why does this sub blame every sexual problem in men on porn? Yall do realize other factors can be at play, right? I really doubt youd call a woman a "porn addicted asshole" for not wanting sex.
He might not want sex. He might not find OP attractive. He might be addicted to porn. Youre making A LOT of assumptions in your comment.
THIS!!! FFS! Every single day, posts like this, and people still don't want to believe that porn ruins men. That withdrawal isn't guilt - it's the brain rot from abusing their dopamine receptors to the point that they can't form genuine intimate connections anymore.
The erection issues are real - PIED - if they stop PMO with 'death grip' it can get better.
It's terrible. And the endless downvotes from porn defenders are a sure sign of how brainwashed they all are! Porn ruins men, harms women and children, destroys relationships. And for what?!
If you're interested, the sub r/loveafterporn is an excellent resource.
I’m curious what you enjoy about the relationship. Do you feel fulfilled outside of the sex part? Is this what you want your life to look like for the next few years or decades? I can vouch for the beauty of spending time single and being comfortable with yourself before adding a partner. If you aren’t living your life with a partner who loves and respects you, why stay together? Are you holding each other back out of fear of the temporary pain of splitting up?
There is absolutely zero reason for a guy to be totally fine with waiting 5 years for sex if it isn’t for reasons like religion or morals. Yes sure at 15/16 he might have not felt ready, that’s okay. But waiting until he was 23 and not being bothered by it? Yeah that’s cause he just doesn’t care either for sex in general or for sex with you. Add to that that he doesn’t stay the night with you, he doesn’t compliment you, he in general puts no effort in,… I hate to break it to you after 7 years but this guy really does not want to be in a relationship with you.
We don’t know if he is or isn’t asexual but there are other signs that he isn’t attracted to her. He doesn’t appear to give one shit. They are 100% incompatible. Open your eyes.
This.
I was 27 when I had sex the first time, because most people are just really not of any interest to me sexually. I still fell in love a bunch of time, I'm not aromantic, but there just wasn't someone that I wanted to fuck.
But if he's just asexual, why doesn't he put any effort into the romance? This guy just doesn't seem to be interested in being in a relationship with her. Maybe he's just with her because he doesn't want to be single, not because he is in love with her.
Well yeah, but the commenter said that! They said he might not be into sex in general! which is TOTALLY FINE!
however then he cannot be with someone who WANTS sex, and he needs to tell OP that he is asexual, and break up
You need a break from this relationship. For mid-20s in a relationship, a week is a very long time. It’s not like it’s gonna change after this many years, so, unless there is something great aside from familiarity (which seems unlikely since he doesn’t spend the night), you should probably enjoy your 20s now instead of regretting them in the future.
The reasons might be different: he is asexual, he is cheating on you, or he just doesn't really want to be in a relationship with you. In any case, I would advise to dump him and move forward. He is not the last man on Earth and you deserve to be both wanted and loved, which is clearly impossible with this guy.
Some people have lower sex drives. Maybe your bf is either on the asexual spectrum, or is experiencing shame around ED.
Either way i think its important for you both to have your needs met. There is lots you can do - opening your relationship, having more solo time, or trying out sex toys, and lots of sexual scenarios where u get off and he doesn't have to get it up.
I hope you both get to a place where your different appetites are both fulfilled, u deserve it!!
Does he frequently watch porn? Porn consumtpion can cause low sex drive towards IRL women and ED.
Is he overweight? Low testosterone can cause low sex drive.
This isn’t normal at all OP. Could he have a porn addiction that has him preferring sex with his hand over you, his partner? Outside of that, he is either cheating or has some deep seated emotional issues. Is he in good health physically? Is he on any anxiety meds or meds for depression? Those impact libido and performance a lot.
From what I understand, you were only able to finally do the deed 2 years ago and then he lost interest. Idk how sure it is that he’s not gay or doesn’t have another woman… but bottom line is, it doesn’t look like he is attracted to you sexually. Losing sex drive at 25 seems unlikely given that it’s the peak age for sex. You have to have a sincere talk where he needs to be honest why he doesn’t wanna touch you. Otherwise, you have to let go or it’ll only shatter your self confidence completely.
Honestly I don’t know why you’re even in this relationship anymore. Sex thing aside the fact you have to ask him to compliment you says a lot. My boyfriend of almost 6 years tells me multiple times a day how beautiful and sexy he finds me and how much he loves me. You shouldn’t have to ask for the bare minimum. You’re too young to be in such a draining relationship. Personally I would just leave, heal and find someone who actually loves and appreciates you and shows it without being asked
Could he be asexual? If sex is important to you and it's not important to him then there's a fundamental lack of compatibility.
Is he open to trying new things? Do you explore foreplay and oral? Or does he have no interest in anything sexual?
OP. You are 24 years old desperately trying to fan a flame to life which has long since died. You probably don’t need to be particularly proactive to end the relationship. Just cease communicating and it will whither and die of natural causes.
There are 4 billion other gender people on the planet many of whom are actively looking for love. Get out there and join them. Start enjoying life instead of worrying about your ineffective boyfriend. Good luck. ❤️
Tldr: You. Don't. Deserve. This
You don't even know how good your life can be without this dude.
This gives me goosebumps, I did this for ten years. I'd compliment him and try to initiate, and be rebuffed. I'd ask him if I was pretty, finally I'd ask him if he could show it when he thought it-- if I look even a little different call it out, realize that I was working to look cute, for him, and be acknowledged, and he could never do it outside of being asked directly. Our already meager (he couldn't finish any way but by himself for the death grip he had on his dick) sex life ground to halt, he'd pick and poke at all my insecurities and refused to try and be nice, no matter how many times I asked him, literally, to just be nice to me.
We broke up and got back together, all on his whim. When we broke up for the last time and started down the path of what I thought was us working on our base relationship, he immediately slept with his married girl best friend. When I asked if he at least finished he said "well yell, it's been a long time". As if I hadn't spent ten years begging him to touch me.
Maybe this is far fetched, but maybe he is used to consuming to much porn. If I read things like this, that’s what first comes to mind. A healthy young man of 25 should minimum of 1 time at least per month if available.
Porn changes the way a man sees the other gender. Once I totally stopped watching p I started feeling more for my gf because she now is the only woman I see naked and it has really changed the way I look at her.
You know your boyfriend best. If this is something you can talk about, talk about it. If this would be a hard topic to talk about, I would go to the nofap sub page. People there will give you tons of advice if this is the case
I agree sounds like possible porn addiction.and he's defensiveness sounds familiar.my pa has very high sex drive..but I don't initiate anymore because when I did he didn't always become aroused.i didn't know this was a type of ed...so used to controling his own arousal with a screen a real life person..is different
Here is my take on it but it’s only my take on it. You both got together young, you were his first gf….to me it doesn’t sound like he wants you to be his last girlfriend. Men are smart in the way that they won’t change anything unless they have something better (in their mind) to go to. You’re a safe bet at the moment and you’re staying regardless of not being happy so he has no incentive to change - it suits him. You are a telephone girlfriend. Meanwhile you’re waiting for a man to see you as the “one” who is not acting like you are the “one”. Trust me, when he feels he can get the chick he wants - he will. When he is earning money etc he will “upgrade”. Don’t sit and be a cheer leader for a man who is looking for someone and something else. Get rid babe.
There is a saying from some movie that stuck with me. it was said to a wife I think who wasnt having much sex with her husband because of his lack of desire -something like "honey - if he aint fucking you, he is fucking someone else".
But at this young age you don't want to see what your sex life with him is going to be in the next 10/20 years. I'd so move on.
You two are probably incompatible. His inaction shows his lack of interest. He might just be asexual/uninterested in sex and maybe doesn’t understand it and the first time was mostly out of curiosity. Which is fine.
Hounding him is not great, and it will make sex more like a chore than something fun, and puts more pressure on him.
The problem is that it doesn’t match with what you want, and it’s leaving you feeling shitty and unwanted. I hope you realize you’re not unwanted or unattractive (if you feel this way). There are plenty of people who will be interested in you.
My first partner was similar to your bf. Very uninterested in sex. It turned out later she was ace and realized she wasn’t born on the right side, and I’m sure sex never felt right to her.
You can try to talk with your boyfriend about it a bit more. It’s very tough when it doesn’t align (I normally have the higher libido, so it’s rough). Wishing you the best of luck.
He sounds either A sexual or just not into you.
You've made it clear what you want, he has made it clear that is not what he wants. I don't see why you are staying with him.
Breakup and find someone who will appreciate you and give you the time you sldeserve. There's clearly something up with him cheating or otherwise but whatever it is isn't worth your time amymore.
It doesn’t sound like he’s putting in any efforts at all. He’s not communicating with you. Break up and find someone who will give you the passion and attention you deserve. You’re begging him for the bare minimum but you’re still not receiving it! Move along
I wasted 14 YEARS with a guy who made me dry as a desert, let alone could make orgasm. He demanded BJs every morning and it was such a chore. I tried everything to get him to turn me on, even introduced BDSM to him. Boy, was that a mistake! There were other behaviors that made me end the marriage but bedroom time was the big one.
Since I left, I found someone who turns me into a gush geyser! We were dating for six months before we tried to have sex. He couldn’t get it up and it just made him frustrated but he kept reassuring me that he wanted me but was frustrated to the point of tears. I told him it’s ok, we’ll figure it out and held him. It’s been 3 years since then and it’s been the best sex EVER.
Moral of the story, there are plenty more fish out there. Don’t settle and convince yourself this is all you deserve because you deserve a partner you are equal to, that cares about your needs as much as you care about theirs.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you have to practically force to even just compliment you, or stay the night with you? This calls for a breakup. Yes, people change, but I guarantee you he will not wake up tomorrow and all of a sudden want to treat you how you should be treated. Not to mention, he’s doing it begrudgingly. Not cool of him, you deserve better
He calls you a “cute puppy” to me it sounds like both of you are just stuck in the comfort of it all and neither of you are getting what you need out of this relationship.
I’m sorry but this is just my personal opinion but anyone who would call me a cute puppy isn’t someone I would be with. For me it would be very condescending in the sense that everyone loves a puppy they are cute but they are also annoying but at the same time they give unconditional love and he knows you probably won’t leave no matter what. Again this is just my opinion but I wouldn’t be with him especially because you try and he always turns it around on you saying you’ll never be happy just because you are trying to communicate.
Seven years is a long time. If he doesn't want to stay with you overnight that, to me, is his subconsciously sending a message that he is not into the relationship as much as you are. I don't see much hope with your situation. Move on
The hypocrisy in these comments is mind blowing. Whatever happened to "if you're not feeling it, that's the only excuse you need" that is always trotted out to women who don't want sex or men who are complaining about women not wanting sex.
He doesn't want sex with OP. That doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with him. All it means is that he doesn't want sex with OP.
If OP was a man nagging and crying for sex, he would be getting EVISCERATED in these comments.
And no, I'm not a guy.
I recommend reading through the dead bedroom subreddit. Many people's have dealt with this for years. I would get out now before you make the wrong decision to get married or have kids. Once you go that far, it's much harder to get out. It isn't going to change. Your libidos don't match and probably never will.
ED is a big insecurity for most men, and his ego probably took a big hit from that. Men generally aren’t open towards expressing feelings, and seems he isn’t really self aware and doesn’t communicate.
I get his side, but I’m not saying it’s okay.
You deserve better 🫶
Well doesn’t sound like you are happy and it doesn’t sound like he is wanting to have a conversation about how he feels.
Take him out of the equation. Ask yourself are you happy. If the answer is no, you have your answer on what to do.
I would echo a lot of other comments. Nothing is likely to change here. You guys are friends. No sex and no romance equals friendship. You can stay friends, but you should express to him that in terms of romance and sex you’re going to move on and look for a better match
Give him an ultimatum, it’s not like your feelings aren’t important and yet it seems like he makes you feel like you’re the one with the problem. Where is his accountability?
What kind of relationship do you want? Lay it out for him, let him know what you want, what you need and ask him what he wants and needs. Be prepared that the answer may mean to cut off and start new
Aside from the “no sex,” is he even a good boyfriend? He isn’t honest w his communication.
Yes, he sends you reels; he’s a friend.
Ps I tend to suspect porn first
This kinda describe my same situation. Its insane. Ive had previous partners and serious relationships, I’m 28. Never in my life I’ve felt like the guy next to me doesn’t want me. We do have sex at least twice a week but not as much as I want. I have to bring up the fact that he doesn’t ever initiate or makes me feel sexy ever. In the year that we have been together (back and forth) he has initiated it maybe a max of 4-5 times. It’s usually quick and he doesn’t focus on me. After voicing my opinion and crying and braking up and trying again and all of the drama, I realized that its true, no matter what efforts he put in I will never be happy with him. His efforts are the bare minimum and I’m looking for more. When he does something nice it feels forced . What made me finally realize this? 2 weeks ago we went on a weekend trip and we went out a lot and soo many people would tell me i was so pretty and compliment me. But i never received a compliment from him. And thats when i realize I need to be out of this relationship. We live together so its not that easy but i already checked out of the relationship and he can tell. So for you OP just let it go.
I know you care for him and it sucks the effort and time you’ve put in. But these things are huge and you’ll end up resenting him. Rip the band aid off now.
UGH he sounds like a chore, you can do better than this. YOu should not waste your 20s begging for something most are enthusiastic about (not just talking about sex here).
Get out, get out get out.... Girl I could have written this
Except for the Masters and that ED ... I can get up for my wife at the snap of a finger, pointless though, the erections are all wasted on her
Some may assume he's gay, but I think maybe you should ask your partner if he is asexual and read up about what asexuality is, in case he has any questions during your discussion and to put you in a place of being informed.
Sounds like he has an aversion to sex and his responses seem like he feels he's put in a large amount of effort, so maybe he's emotionally drained by sex, rather than physically.
It’s porn addiction, cheating or homosexuality. None of these things are acceptable for a heterosexual relationship.
I get you are comfortable and you love him but there is so much more for you out there than some mediocre guy who doesn’t want to sleep with you.
It's impossible to know the reason but it's certainly uncommon behavior. It won't solve itself and he doesn't seem invested in solving the problem with you which gives yoi few options.
Why are you with this man?
Break it off.
Or redefine the relationship to just platonic friends.
And get out there and start dating.
And don't stop with the first guy you meet.
Date around, casually, at first.
Find out what you like in a man.
Dump this guy and find someone right for you.
He needs to see a therapist. It sounds like he has low self-esteem, anxiety, or something of that kind. It would be cruel to leave him because of this, but it depends if he can be cured or not. Sadly, in most cases even if it improves, it does not cure completely. He needs to find hope, and he must believe he can heal, otherwise nothing can be of help.
I was thinking ED
From the beginning. Then you confirmed it. There is clearly avoidance here and he needs to be honest with you. He is either happily not having sex, or scared of failure. You need to discuss this or he talks to his doctor. There is no legitimate reason for him to put the blame on you though. He should stop doing that and admit to whatever it is that stops him having regular sex. Perhaps he has a porn addiction?
Be honest with yourself and leave. No man is going two years without sex with his woman this alone is something to look into. You might as well move on he’s cheating on you or simply not interested in you but won’t let you go.
This is pretty much a near carbon copy example of the relationship my friend had with her ex of 6.5 years. They had both lived together, seperated, and then lived together, but at the end of the day, nothing happened, so she left him. She's now thriving in a new relationship less than two months later. And no, she didn't have a new man lined up in the cut, as I knew her for 4 years and we were close. I hope you can do what needs to be done in order to find happiness
This doesn’t add up for me. You’ve been together 7 years since 17/18 yet you didn’t have sex until two years ago? Either I’m misunderstanding the timeline here or both of you are seriously lacking sex drive. At 17/18 you should’ve been fucking everywhere and anywhere, cars, the woods, abandoned buildings, you name it. You should consider seing a therapist about this whether you choose to stay in the relationship or, and this is the obvious way to go, not.
This actually happened with me (M27) and my gf (F27), and there were a few reasons which I think contributed.
1. Porn. I watched a lot of it, and getting my fix that way meant that it was easier and more time efficient for me to bother with a person.
2. The pressure to have sex made me not want to do it. The expectations that came with a relationship made it like a job. We eventually broke up and stayed friends, and I was actually much nicer to her after. We went out on dates and stuff as friends despite not doing any of that when in a relationship.
3. As we got to know each other, we realised that we wanted different things in life, which made me see less of a future with her. This somewhat made me lose interest in pursuing a romantic relationship, and in combo with reason 1, it lead to lack of sex.
4. This one should be higher on the list, but I didn't feel as confident when i was with her. Now that im single, i spend my time going to the gym, wesring what i want without worrying whether im disappointing her or not, chatting to people, etc. But in a relationship, i shut other girls off because i thought that's what being loyal is. I didn't have time to gym, so I wasted more time on social media, etc. I was tired all the time. All of this took my confidence away, and in the end, I didn't feel sexy to want to have sex.
Let me caveat the above with the fact that these are my personal experiences, and it may have nothing to do with you or your bf. Just thought maybe it might resonate.
For me, taking time off to focus on me and rebuilding my confidence helped, but it came at a cost of losing someone I loved. It just depends on how you can work through your issue to get to a place where you both feel at ease instead of there being a pressure to perform or act a certain way.
Could he have a drug problem? Or simply taking an SSRI for depression issues? Some drugs (both illicit and prescription) can cause ED issues in men, as well as reduced sex drive. This is where my mind first went. Is there any way you can find out if that's the case for your boyfriend?
No idea if it can be “saved”. But it doesn’t sound like your bf things it needs to be, he thinks things are k the way it is. You do not, have communicated this to him many time. He invalidates your feelings by saying you can’t be satisfied. You’re not compatible and he doesn’t care (it isn’t able for whatever reason) to meet your needs.
Sounds like you have more of an acquaintance than a boyfriend. I’d say after this long, move on and find the love of your life. If he can’t even compliment you without feeling forced to say something nice - I’d say he isn’t even a friend. Y’all just grew up and changed.
He could be in denial with himself. Asexual but refuses to come to terms with that. Maybe family, friends or cultural expectations say that he needs a gf to define himself. Please, please don’t waste any more precious, youthful years with him.
GIRL.... RUN. sorry to be the blunt 1. Unless something is medically wrong with him. He's lost interest. He's too young and immature to communicate and liekly feels a sense of responsibility and guilt about it and thus avoiding it. Remember men mature a lot slower than woman. Also. You guys are each other's 1sts it's so common for 1 or the other to feel a sense of curiosity about being with other people. Not saying he's cheating in traditional sense but trust me so many ways to online.
I've seen this 1 too many times. Young couples who started in HS go through this. I went through it as a younger woman and waited way too long to leave waiting for him to come around. And no this isn't a jaded response from personal experience.
I was an army wife took care of a lot of young soldiers wives and I saw this happen weekly.
You need to set your boundaries, let him know this is a make or break issue for you. Also remember that too much conversation can lead you or him or both to pull away. Sex won't be the sane emotionally
You will know when the time is right for you to walk away and PLEASE REMEMBER THERE is a beautiful life after break ups. You got this.
Could be few reasons:
1. Is he dealing with any kind of stress or depression that you don't know of? Investigate talk to his friends and parents and also check how his relationships are with his family and friends Stress kills sex drive and is one of the cause of ED
2 check his Internet History to see if he is addicted to porn?
A guy his age should be at his prime, with high sex drive.
There are two possibilities, either he is asexual or has ED and should be checked out by a doctor.
Also, how often do you see each other? Do you always intimate it or he does as well?
Let's be clear-- the issue here is not that he doesn't want to have sex. The issue is that he won't communicate about it. You need to decide whether or not that's something you can tolerate in a relationship. Are you okay with only having sex every few months/years? I wouldn't be. Some people would. Both are okay. This is a compatibility issue. You can really love someone, and they may just not be right for you. I've broken up with people for that. They didn't do anything wrong, but something that I couldn't reasonably ask them to change just wasn't tolerable to me, and I realised I needed to do make some personal growth before searching for or working on a relationship.
You really need to leave. You deserve so much better. To have someone that is truly compatible with you. Please, don’t stay just by habit. You’ll find someone that is truly your match.
Not compatible at all. Just move on and don’t waste some of the best years of your life begging a man for sex. Life is too short and you deserve better. This will likely never change.
I sincerely apologize if this is too large of a presumption, it’s just the context that I’m reading this and leads me to believe there is some thing else going on besides sex drive. Do you know if he suffers from any type of depression at all? I’m asking this as a mental health professional and so this is through my lens.
Because I’m reading that you guys started off seven years ago when you were children and now you are both adults working on master degrees and you haven’t had a lot of intimacy In Those years. And he seems to make responsive comments Negatively about complementing you or taking initiative
He does not contribute to the relationship at all, no affection, no love, no care. He is not doing even the bare minimum!
Honestly i would just dump him and move on. You deserve better.
You guys are not on the same page sexually and it seems that there is no way that you guys even can meet the half way as he has almost no sex drive while you have higher sex drive. I would say this is time to end things with him so you can date a new guy who is sexually on the same page with you. he tells you that this will get better because he knows this is the only way to keep you with him but you know how this will just get worse as no matter what you do there is no way that you can make him have a high sex drive. You need to stop wasting your time with him as these years you will never get back in your life so better to accept the reality that this is over and you both need to end things. Since this relationship is first for both of you, you both will be in pain initially but with time you will be happy and proud that you were able to end things with him to be with a new man who is for you. He is not a guy for you and sooner you see this and end things with him better it will be for you else you know you are the one who is choosing to live a miserable life that you do not deserve at all.
He is probably gay . Which is why he was ok waiting for so long to have sex and it’s why you have a good friendship otherwise and it’s probably why he got ED. He may not even accept it himself fully yet as you together from a young age. There are serious issues regardless that he is simply not addressing . He’s not seeking medical help or psychological help. He’s not really talking to you about it and is more stringing you along . If you won’t do anything to resolve the situation then I think you should consider moving on. Break up amicably . If he is gay or asexual then that’s just who he is but it’s not what you signed up for .
Sounds like he’s asexual. You’re way too young to be sacrificing life experiences for a guy. Go be single and have fun for a few years before settling down again. It will be hard at first bc you’re so used to him, but after some time you’ll discover a whole new world as also yourself. I’m 29 and if I could redo my 20s, I would stayed single for the majority of them.
Maybe you would be better off as just friends. Sometimes this happens and it’s ok.
You’re too young to be dealing with these issues. That’s for when you’re older. Go find someone who will want the passion like you do.
You can't fix the problem because he's the one with the issue and isn't doing anything to resolve it.
If he's not willing to work with you, you have to accept this as your life or leave.
**I’m** always amazed at the amount of devaluing of self that goes on with women in relationships. The idea of turning yourself inside out for a piece of a man is a mental illness.
Sounds like he is asexual. Wven with ED, I would think the desire is there. Seems like he doesn't have a sex drive. If he did, he would have the wandering eye.
It's time for a better fit.
It’s very possible that he just isn’t into women. Another possibility is that he is depressed. He might be taking anti depressants and that can kill libido and cause erectile dysfunction. His lack of attention and simple compliments is something different. Try not to waste years of dissatisfaction with your SO. There are millions of men out there that could give you what you want and need.
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He's either not interested in sex in general or just doesn't find you sexually attractive. Either way this isn't how you want to live and it's not something you can make him change. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
FR, it is OP's first partner. She is 24 and has plenty of time to find a better match
Well OP should hop to it and move on. If you have to talk about it, it's already a problem. Especially at that age. It absolutely changes everything. If/when he FINALLY does, OP will not enjoy it because it will feel forced just like those "forced " compliments. A wise Redditor once told me to learn what was meant to be learned and move on. He was right. I ditched that r/deadbedrooms relationship and am much happier for doing so.
Let's not problematize "having to talk about it". Nobody is a mindreader, not even people who know their partners well, so let's not make it seem like something needing to be talked about means that it's A Problem before a single word has been spoken.
I'm thinking relationship fatigue is probably playing a factor in OP's turning sour. They've been together for **seven years** after all, which is quite a long time for a non-marital relationship that isn't even common law. I reckon there's a possibility that OP's BF has wanted more than mere physical intimacy, but OP doesn't want to commit to anything serious just yet. OP's post doesn't mention the two of them ever speaking about marriage/plans for the future/etc., after all. OP can't really expect her BF to just be an outlet for her sexual urges. There's obviously a lack of detail here from the BF's side, but based on the few comments he's made thus far, it seems to point to there being other relationship problems besides the sex. Which we do not have any context of.
It could just be a severe case of ED. Talk to him. There is help.
True, he might be embarrassed about having ED which compounds the problem. A serious conversation needs to happen.
It does sound like he might have ED, but first make sure he is not a porn addict. It could be difficult for him to become erect in a real relationship setting if he is used to watching a lot of porn. It is becoming more and more normal for young males to have ED. Luckily there are websites like Roman or Hims that are very convenient to solve this problem. Depression, not exercising regularly, or porn addiction can all attribute to ED. Use viagra and similar medications as a last resort.
He should be a bit to young for that to really manifest that much. I was a slow starter/nervous in a way when I met my wife 23 years ago but it dissapeared after a few months but stress and lack of exercise drags it out again. Living very healthy now and its never been better inspite age.
Gay, asexual, porn addicted, or trying to force an attraction he doesn’t have. Those are the main contenders.
This. It's not going to happen for you with this guy, so you need to move on before you get 30 and desperate. That's why I'm now divorced!
You have VASTLY different expectations about a relationship and they are not compatible. He feels pressured, which is not OK, and you feel neglected and unfulfilled, which is not OK. What is ok, is walking away from anything that makes you feel bad. Cut your losses, do BOTH of you a favour and move on. If he wants a 'little puppy' that doesn't nag or have sex with him, let him get an actual little puppy.
Kinda digressing here, but it's crazy to think how many people from the 'boomer' Era just stayed in unhappy marriages. Was reading about how divorce rates are still climbing, but im fairly certain it just has to do with people now knowing that they can just leave? To be fair, I think a lot of people get married too soon, but yes, OP, just LEAVE if you arent happy. I know it sounds easier said than done, but you will be able to find someone you are sexually compatible with, I promise (happened to me).
I'm over 50. It's wild to me how reddit advises leaving the relationship over things that I consider uncool, but not that bad. "He doesn't like it when you wear a cocktail dress with no underwear out on the town? Leave him, he's too controlling." Umm, really? That's a show stopper? It's a minor disagreement. Having said that, I'd never stay with this guy. I need a much more active connection than he provides.
I agree that reddit is VERY quick to say immediate divorce or break ups. However, this situation seems like it's a big one. Sex is probably one of the top 5 things in a relationship at least, and it seems to have been an issue for a while. There is nothing wrong with struggling, talking it out, and then problem solving together. This seems like a "continuing to beat a dead horse" situation.
Agreed, there are definitely a lot of times on reddit where I see people saying to leave the relationship over something seemingly minor
Apologies OP for a lengthy reply, but a lot of Redditors need to hear this. TLDR; OPs boyfriend is likely suffering from performance anxiety and is afraid to have another bad experience. To begin with @grantorinogravity, that's quite an ignorant comment, but it's to be expected from some younger generation. Just do your best to correct yourself moving forward. I'm a millennial only in my mid thirties and I can tell you theres a whole lot more to the "boomer era" sticking together in unhappy marriages than just "not realizing they can leave." ... *Facepalm* Secondly, it's never good advice to simply point someone towards the exit door (unless obvious; cheating, violence, etc) when they present a question that reminds you of a time you were in a similar scenario. Imagine you sat down with a therapist, and instead of putting in any actual effort to understand the complexity of different angles, you were advised to break up immediately because there's simply "more fish in the sea". There's a reason she's here seeking advice. So please, yourself and any other regulars of this awful reddit "dump him sis" culture of the last decade, all need to stop perpetuating the easy way out unless it's the obvious and dignified route. Divorce rates skyrocketing have nothing to do with people having some instant epiphany that they can leave. The absolute nuclear explosion that took place in the porn industry in the early 2000's, when high speed internet was beginning to take off, gave everyone the easiest possible access to their deepest sexual fantasies and it became less taboo. Then the advent of social media followed shortly afterwards and gave everyone the easiest possible platform to network, sneak around (infidelity) and act on these overwhelmingly abundant sexual fantasies that the aforementioned porn industry had exacerbated. Social media (dating sites/apps included) and porn combined, wreak absolute havoc on our human minds -- any intro level psychology course will clear this up for you. Having a cell phone in your hands with nearly instant anonymity and seemingly endless "sexual opportunities" is the largest reason for divorce statistics, not because you think old boomers were somehow less clever than today's youth and leaving never crossed their mind... *Facepalm again* Clearly after 7 years together, OP and her bf are deeply in love. As a man who got a late start at his sex life (around OP same age), I was plagued by performance anxiety about a couple of nervous encounters when I was younger in my highschool to late teen years. That crippled my chances at a many good relationships with great girls because I was too young and afraid to communicate my fear of underperforming and not living up to "porn standards" that society has come to expect out of men. So instead I would "brush off" sex or delay it, or make excuses. Anything seemed better than the trauma of dealing with an angry/upset partner or being laughed at for finishing too early again. Obviously here on Reddit we can only speculate, but I'm leaning heavily towards OPs boyfriend is being crippled by that same performance anxiety over his first bad experience together. Any young man that age, full of testosterone and sexual excitement, will not be experiencing ED due to medical reasons (rare exceptions). My advice to OP is confront him and ask straight up and honestly, "Did our first time together cause any emotional trauma? Is there something I can do to help you feel more comfortable next time we try?". Be understanding and nurturing when you approach him about it. Sex is obviously important to you, but I'm willing to bet it's equally as important to him, if not more (hence he doesn't want to perform again and risk looking worse the second time). The first time I was with an older woman in my early twenties, I took a shot in the dark and decided to explain to my date what kind of performance anxiety I had from bad experiences with younger judgmental girls. She completely understood (she was 33) and even thought it was cute of me, but brave, to own up to on a first date. She saw potential in me and even though I was still hella nervous when we got undressed (and after she praised me for getting that first nervous nut out of the way), I rocked that bedframe into the ground. Eventually all of those missed opportunities when I was younger, suddenly began reaching out to me again and wanted to "rekindle" after noticing this new found confidence I was walking around with. My point to take away is this; don't sign off of a 7 year relationship if his sexual deterrence is the only issue you see, and there's a resolution as simple as clearer communication. Don't let go only to find out later that another woman helped break him out of his shell, because he might blossom and you could certainly regret it. Instead OP, YOU could be the one and only person to help break him out of his shell. Lastly, and ONE more time... Stop listening to Reddit Karens continue to advise, "walking away". You might as well go confront random strangers at a bus stop and ask for their opinion, they'll give you that same answer because, well it requires less brain cycles. Single miserable people will continue handing out miserable single people advice.
Indeed, walking away isn't always the best solution. If both parties are willing to make an effort and if there's still love and respect, there's still room for the relationship. I'm 39 and I've been married for 13 years. There are good times and bad times. But the love never went away! And for that you need a lot of communication and patience too 😉 But of course, to each their own.
how true! You really need to wade through the dump him/her swamp before you find someone who actually thinks before writing.
Perhaps my comment came off "karen" to you, but that's not how I meant it. I would also like to say that I am also a millennial in my mid-thirties, and I am not single, giving "miserable single people advice." I am very happy in my current relationship which is where some of my comment fueled from. I guess where I was coming from was from having been in a relationship where I wasn't happy, and staying there too long trying to give ex the benefit of the doubt. I kept making excuses for him and hiding his true nature from friends and family, and I admit, that likely influenced my comment, despite the fact that my physically abusive ex and OPs current bf seemingly have nothing in common, based on this one post. I will keep that in mind going forward because I dislike the reddit narrative of "dump him immediately" as soon as there is a disagreement. That being said, I do think it is important for people to realize that they have the option to leave if they aren't happy. Sure, OP doesn't need to throw away 7 years if this is something minor to them. But so many people stay in relationships even when they have mentally checked out and that's not necessary. The fact that OP is even making this post could very well be them seeking validation for wanting to leave already (but that could also be a jump to a non-conclusion). I stayed with my ex for about a year at the end of the relationship, hoping so much that I could make things work with us and I couldn't. I put myself through a lot of unnecessary turmoil when I should have just left. I am now with someone who makes me so incredibly happy, that it makes me upset with myself for having so little respect for myself that I stayed with my ex for as long as I did. I think thats where my perspective was coming from.
This is great advice 🙏🏼
I don't think anyone is going to be able to tell you what's wrong with your bf, but no, this is not normal, and he doesn't seem willing to communicate about it or hear your thoughts and feelings on the subject. It's not even clear if he can't or just simply won't. You've tied yourself to this guy since high school and this is both your first relationship. Listen to me- there's lots and lots of people in the world. Lots and lots of people who will make you happier than this guy, who will not only find you attractive, but tell you they find you attractive, want to pay attention to you, actually make you feel like you're more than a puppy that's followed them home.
Usually the first relationship is an eye opener, the ones after that are usually the relationships you try to get the kind of partner you want and need. Second or third relationships tend to be the ones. There’s no point in settling in a relationship with anyone who isn’t willing to listen & communicate feelings.
That's such a good point. This has been a really long first relationship for both of them. It almost seems like they've stalled in the transition from teenage to adult style relationships because it's comfortable for him. Breaking up would likely be better for them, but actually doing it is going to be painful. The first final breakup hurts, I can see why they've been putting it off. I don't envy them.
I wouldn’t say there’s anything wrong with him for having a low libido. But he’s clearly not communicating some things to OP. Maybe an explanation that his sex drive is just not compatible with hers? and an explanation for the source of the frustration he’s expressing. Regardless this relationship sounds like it’s been going nowhere for a long time.
He may be asexual and obviously that is not compatible with you. There are other asexual people out there and that is who he should be with (or quit porn). YOU deserve better!! Probably a good thing you don’t live together. I hope you move on this is a huge discrepancy to get over.
Some people do not have the need for sex but apparently you are not one of these people. If your boyfriend has not have a sex drive it might be a problem. You are too young to not enjoy sex more frequently and unfortunately you cannot put pressure in anyone in order to compliment you, it should come naturally. That being said, since it's a long term relationship you can always give it a try by giving him a boost. You can ask him if there is sth that intrigues him more (maybe he likes sth specific, not necessarily like a fetich but it may be sth personal). Or maybe he has not find out things he like yet and you can discover them together by trying out new stuff 🙂
I was in a marriage exactly the same and I left, my friends asked me if he was gay too. It slowed down once we got married and then after we had our daughter it slowed down and after our son it was non existent. I spoke to him on several occasions and his answer we will have more sex and I don’t really think about it. I felt like we were flat mates I left after 11 years. I actually think he just wasn’t sexual and he had a naturally selfish nature. I’m sorry it won’t come back. Life is short. Life is too short. I have been married once he just married for the fourth time, everyone left him what’s the common denominator 😏
Why are all the stories about porn addicted AHs these days? Yes, we know, they can't enjoy real life sex and appear to have ED but don't actually, their drug of choice is porn. They withdraw from their partners, likely the guilt of neglecting them.
Why does this sub blame every sexual problem in men on porn? Yall do realize other factors can be at play, right? I really doubt youd call a woman a "porn addicted asshole" for not wanting sex. He might not want sex. He might not find OP attractive. He might be addicted to porn. Youre making A LOT of assumptions in your comment.
THIS!!! FFS! Every single day, posts like this, and people still don't want to believe that porn ruins men. That withdrawal isn't guilt - it's the brain rot from abusing their dopamine receptors to the point that they can't form genuine intimate connections anymore. The erection issues are real - PIED - if they stop PMO with 'death grip' it can get better.
It’s frustrating people don’t want to see this as an issue . Porn ruins relationships period. From experience it is gut wrenching for us women.
It's terrible. And the endless downvotes from porn defenders are a sure sign of how brainwashed they all are! Porn ruins men, harms women and children, destroys relationships. And for what?! If you're interested, the sub r/loveafterporn is an excellent resource.
You waited 5 years to fuck? That man isn't interested in sex lmao. Break up.
You already know the answer; you’re just waiting on a different one.
I’m curious what you enjoy about the relationship. Do you feel fulfilled outside of the sex part? Is this what you want your life to look like for the next few years or decades? I can vouch for the beauty of spending time single and being comfortable with yourself before adding a partner. If you aren’t living your life with a partner who loves and respects you, why stay together? Are you holding each other back out of fear of the temporary pain of splitting up?
There is absolutely zero reason for a guy to be totally fine with waiting 5 years for sex if it isn’t for reasons like religion or morals. Yes sure at 15/16 he might have not felt ready, that’s okay. But waiting until he was 23 and not being bothered by it? Yeah that’s cause he just doesn’t care either for sex in general or for sex with you. Add to that that he doesn’t stay the night with you, he doesn’t compliment you, he in general puts no effort in,… I hate to break it to you after 7 years but this guy really does not want to be in a relationship with you.
Took the words out my… erm, text interface?
asexuality exists.
I literally said it’s either because he’s not into her OR INTO SEX IN GENERAL.
Exactly. He needs to be honest with her as he clearly isn't. She should ask herself if this is something she is ok with for the rest of her life.
We don’t know if he is or isn’t asexual but there are other signs that he isn’t attracted to her. He doesn’t appear to give one shit. They are 100% incompatible. Open your eyes.
Yes!! Absolutely agree. I think she’s invested so much time into this guy, she just doesn’t want to face the reality.
This. I was 27 when I had sex the first time, because most people are just really not of any interest to me sexually. I still fell in love a bunch of time, I'm not aromantic, but there just wasn't someone that I wanted to fuck.
But if he's just asexual, why doesn't he put any effort into the romance? This guy just doesn't seem to be interested in being in a relationship with her. Maybe he's just with her because he doesn't want to be single, not because he is in love with her.
Could be a possibility, but we shall never know
Yes, but it is not the norm
then he shouldn't be in a relationship with someone when he knows they want sex
*Asexuals have entered the chat*
Well yeah, but the commenter said that! They said he might not be into sex in general! which is TOTALLY FINE! however then he cannot be with someone who WANTS sex, and he needs to tell OP that he is asexual, and break up
You need a break from this relationship. For mid-20s in a relationship, a week is a very long time. It’s not like it’s gonna change after this many years, so, unless there is something great aside from familiarity (which seems unlikely since he doesn’t spend the night), you should probably enjoy your 20s now instead of regretting them in the future.
The reasons might be different: he is asexual, he is cheating on you, or he just doesn't really want to be in a relationship with you. In any case, I would advise to dump him and move forward. He is not the last man on Earth and you deserve to be both wanted and loved, which is clearly impossible with this guy.
Some people have lower sex drives. Maybe your bf is either on the asexual spectrum, or is experiencing shame around ED. Either way i think its important for you both to have your needs met. There is lots you can do - opening your relationship, having more solo time, or trying out sex toys, and lots of sexual scenarios where u get off and he doesn't have to get it up. I hope you both get to a place where your different appetites are both fulfilled, u deserve it!!
Do you know of any open relationships that have lasted into old age
Does he frequently watch porn? Porn consumtpion can cause low sex drive towards IRL women and ED. Is he overweight? Low testosterone can cause low sex drive.
This isn’t normal at all OP. Could he have a porn addiction that has him preferring sex with his hand over you, his partner? Outside of that, he is either cheating or has some deep seated emotional issues. Is he in good health physically? Is he on any anxiety meds or meds for depression? Those impact libido and performance a lot.
From what I understand, you were only able to finally do the deed 2 years ago and then he lost interest. Idk how sure it is that he’s not gay or doesn’t have another woman… but bottom line is, it doesn’t look like he is attracted to you sexually. Losing sex drive at 25 seems unlikely given that it’s the peak age for sex. You have to have a sincere talk where he needs to be honest why he doesn’t wanna touch you. Otherwise, you have to let go or it’ll only shatter your self confidence completely.
No interest in sex and ED at 25, and complete gaslighting? I bet he's getting action elsewhere. Just cut kick him to the curb. Why go through this?
Honestly I don’t know why you’re even in this relationship anymore. Sex thing aside the fact you have to ask him to compliment you says a lot. My boyfriend of almost 6 years tells me multiple times a day how beautiful and sexy he finds me and how much he loves me. You shouldn’t have to ask for the bare minimum. You’re too young to be in such a draining relationship. Personally I would just leave, heal and find someone who actually loves and appreciates you and shows it without being asked
Could he be asexual? If sex is important to you and it's not important to him then there's a fundamental lack of compatibility. Is he open to trying new things? Do you explore foreplay and oral? Or does he have no interest in anything sexual?
OP. You are 24 years old desperately trying to fan a flame to life which has long since died. You probably don’t need to be particularly proactive to end the relationship. Just cease communicating and it will whither and die of natural causes. There are 4 billion other gender people on the planet many of whom are actively looking for love. Get out there and join them. Start enjoying life instead of worrying about your ineffective boyfriend. Good luck. ❤️
Tldr: You. Don't. Deserve. This You don't even know how good your life can be without this dude. This gives me goosebumps, I did this for ten years. I'd compliment him and try to initiate, and be rebuffed. I'd ask him if I was pretty, finally I'd ask him if he could show it when he thought it-- if I look even a little different call it out, realize that I was working to look cute, for him, and be acknowledged, and he could never do it outside of being asked directly. Our already meager (he couldn't finish any way but by himself for the death grip he had on his dick) sex life ground to halt, he'd pick and poke at all my insecurities and refused to try and be nice, no matter how many times I asked him, literally, to just be nice to me. We broke up and got back together, all on his whim. When we broke up for the last time and started down the path of what I thought was us working on our base relationship, he immediately slept with his married girl best friend. When I asked if he at least finished he said "well yell, it's been a long time". As if I hadn't spent ten years begging him to touch me.
Maybe this is far fetched, but maybe he is used to consuming to much porn. If I read things like this, that’s what first comes to mind. A healthy young man of 25 should minimum of 1 time at least per month if available. Porn changes the way a man sees the other gender. Once I totally stopped watching p I started feeling more for my gf because she now is the only woman I see naked and it has really changed the way I look at her. You know your boyfriend best. If this is something you can talk about, talk about it. If this would be a hard topic to talk about, I would go to the nofap sub page. People there will give you tons of advice if this is the case
I agree sounds like possible porn addiction.and he's defensiveness sounds familiar.my pa has very high sex drive..but I don't initiate anymore because when I did he didn't always become aroused.i didn't know this was a type of ed...so used to controling his own arousal with a screen a real life person..is different
Here is my take on it but it’s only my take on it. You both got together young, you were his first gf….to me it doesn’t sound like he wants you to be his last girlfriend. Men are smart in the way that they won’t change anything unless they have something better (in their mind) to go to. You’re a safe bet at the moment and you’re staying regardless of not being happy so he has no incentive to change - it suits him. You are a telephone girlfriend. Meanwhile you’re waiting for a man to see you as the “one” who is not acting like you are the “one”. Trust me, when he feels he can get the chick he wants - he will. When he is earning money etc he will “upgrade”. Don’t sit and be a cheer leader for a man who is looking for someone and something else. Get rid babe.
Get a new boyfriend
There is a saying from some movie that stuck with me. it was said to a wife I think who wasnt having much sex with her husband because of his lack of desire -something like "honey - if he aint fucking you, he is fucking someone else". But at this young age you don't want to see what your sex life with him is going to be in the next 10/20 years. I'd so move on.
You two are probably incompatible. His inaction shows his lack of interest. He might just be asexual/uninterested in sex and maybe doesn’t understand it and the first time was mostly out of curiosity. Which is fine. Hounding him is not great, and it will make sex more like a chore than something fun, and puts more pressure on him. The problem is that it doesn’t match with what you want, and it’s leaving you feeling shitty and unwanted. I hope you realize you’re not unwanted or unattractive (if you feel this way). There are plenty of people who will be interested in you. My first partner was similar to your bf. Very uninterested in sex. It turned out later she was ace and realized she wasn’t born on the right side, and I’m sure sex never felt right to her. You can try to talk with your boyfriend about it a bit more. It’s very tough when it doesn’t align (I normally have the higher libido, so it’s rough). Wishing you the best of luck.
He sounds either A sexual or just not into you. You've made it clear what you want, he has made it clear that is not what he wants. I don't see why you are staying with him.
Breakup and find someone who will appreciate you and give you the time you sldeserve. There's clearly something up with him cheating or otherwise but whatever it is isn't worth your time amymore.
It doesn’t sound like he’s putting in any efforts at all. He’s not communicating with you. Break up and find someone who will give you the passion and attention you deserve. You’re begging him for the bare minimum but you’re still not receiving it! Move along
Is it porn? Is it that he feels he’s not good enough? Is it that he’s insecure because of his ED? Could be many things
I wasted 14 YEARS with a guy who made me dry as a desert, let alone could make orgasm. He demanded BJs every morning and it was such a chore. I tried everything to get him to turn me on, even introduced BDSM to him. Boy, was that a mistake! There were other behaviors that made me end the marriage but bedroom time was the big one. Since I left, I found someone who turns me into a gush geyser! We were dating for six months before we tried to have sex. He couldn’t get it up and it just made him frustrated but he kept reassuring me that he wanted me but was frustrated to the point of tears. I told him it’s ok, we’ll figure it out and held him. It’s been 3 years since then and it’s been the best sex EVER. Moral of the story, there are plenty more fish out there. Don’t settle and convince yourself this is all you deserve because you deserve a partner you are equal to, that cares about your needs as much as you care about theirs.
23 yr old single me, reading this💀
He is probably addicted to porn instead of giving that energy to you.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you have to practically force to even just compliment you, or stay the night with you? This calls for a breakup. Yes, people change, but I guarantee you he will not wake up tomorrow and all of a sudden want to treat you how you should be treated. Not to mention, he’s doing it begrudgingly. Not cool of him, you deserve better
You are waaaaaay too young to be dealing with these kind of relationship problems. Leave him, and you will open yourself up to a world of happiness!
He calls you a “cute puppy” to me it sounds like both of you are just stuck in the comfort of it all and neither of you are getting what you need out of this relationship. I’m sorry but this is just my personal opinion but anyone who would call me a cute puppy isn’t someone I would be with. For me it would be very condescending in the sense that everyone loves a puppy they are cute but they are also annoying but at the same time they give unconditional love and he knows you probably won’t leave no matter what. Again this is just my opinion but I wouldn’t be with him especially because you try and he always turns it around on you saying you’ll never be happy just because you are trying to communicate.
You’re young. Please don’t settle for this.
Believe him when he's saying you'll never be happy with him. Just move on and quit wishing you had more.
Seven years is a long time. If he doesn't want to stay with you overnight that, to me, is his subconsciously sending a message that he is not into the relationship as much as you are. I don't see much hope with your situation. Move on
He doesn't love you beyond friendship
The hypocrisy in these comments is mind blowing. Whatever happened to "if you're not feeling it, that's the only excuse you need" that is always trotted out to women who don't want sex or men who are complaining about women not wanting sex. He doesn't want sex with OP. That doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with him. All it means is that he doesn't want sex with OP. If OP was a man nagging and crying for sex, he would be getting EVISCERATED in these comments. And no, I'm not a guy.
Move on
wake up break up, u tried
I recommend reading through the dead bedroom subreddit. Many people's have dealt with this for years. I would get out now before you make the wrong decision to get married or have kids. Once you go that far, it's much harder to get out. It isn't going to change. Your libidos don't match and probably never will.
ED is a big insecurity for most men, and his ego probably took a big hit from that. Men generally aren’t open towards expressing feelings, and seems he isn’t really self aware and doesn’t communicate. I get his side, but I’m not saying it’s okay. You deserve better 🫶
Well doesn’t sound like you are happy and it doesn’t sound like he is wanting to have a conversation about how he feels. Take him out of the equation. Ask yourself are you happy. If the answer is no, you have your answer on what to do.
I would echo a lot of other comments. Nothing is likely to change here. You guys are friends. No sex and no romance equals friendship. You can stay friends, but you should express to him that in terms of romance and sex you’re going to move on and look for a better match
Give him an ultimatum, it’s not like your feelings aren’t important and yet it seems like he makes you feel like you’re the one with the problem. Where is his accountability? What kind of relationship do you want? Lay it out for him, let him know what you want, what you need and ask him what he wants and needs. Be prepared that the answer may mean to cut off and start new
Aside from the “no sex,” is he even a good boyfriend? He isn’t honest w his communication. Yes, he sends you reels; he’s a friend. Ps I tend to suspect porn first
This kinda describe my same situation. Its insane. Ive had previous partners and serious relationships, I’m 28. Never in my life I’ve felt like the guy next to me doesn’t want me. We do have sex at least twice a week but not as much as I want. I have to bring up the fact that he doesn’t ever initiate or makes me feel sexy ever. In the year that we have been together (back and forth) he has initiated it maybe a max of 4-5 times. It’s usually quick and he doesn’t focus on me. After voicing my opinion and crying and braking up and trying again and all of the drama, I realized that its true, no matter what efforts he put in I will never be happy with him. His efforts are the bare minimum and I’m looking for more. When he does something nice it feels forced . What made me finally realize this? 2 weeks ago we went on a weekend trip and we went out a lot and soo many people would tell me i was so pretty and compliment me. But i never received a compliment from him. And thats when i realize I need to be out of this relationship. We live together so its not that easy but i already checked out of the relationship and he can tell. So for you OP just let it go.
I know you care for him and it sucks the effort and time you’ve put in. But these things are huge and you’ll end up resenting him. Rip the band aid off now.
UGH he sounds like a chore, you can do better than this. YOu should not waste your 20s begging for something most are enthusiastic about (not just talking about sex here).
Get out, get out get out.... Girl I could have written this Except for the Masters and that ED ... I can get up for my wife at the snap of a finger, pointless though, the erections are all wasted on her
Leave now, it will never change.
Some may assume he's gay, but I think maybe you should ask your partner if he is asexual and read up about what asexuality is, in case he has any questions during your discussion and to put you in a place of being informed. Sounds like he has an aversion to sex and his responses seem like he feels he's put in a large amount of effort, so maybe he's emotionally drained by sex, rather than physically.
Think given your different sexual needs, you'd probably be better parting...at your age's you should be at it like rabbits..
It’s porn addiction, cheating or homosexuality. None of these things are acceptable for a heterosexual relationship. I get you are comfortable and you love him but there is so much more for you out there than some mediocre guy who doesn’t want to sleep with you.
It's impossible to know the reason but it's certainly uncommon behavior. It won't solve itself and he doesn't seem invested in solving the problem with you which gives yoi few options.
He is gay, trust me l had same problem with my ex husband same excuses
Why are you with this man? Break it off. Or redefine the relationship to just platonic friends. And get out there and start dating. And don't stop with the first guy you meet. Date around, casually, at first. Find out what you like in a man. Dump this guy and find someone right for you.
He needs to see a therapist. It sounds like he has low self-esteem, anxiety, or something of that kind. It would be cruel to leave him because of this, but it depends if he can be cured or not. Sadly, in most cases even if it improves, it does not cure completely. He needs to find hope, and he must believe he can heal, otherwise nothing can be of help.
Sounds like he’s asexual or has ed problem’s he’s to embarrassed to talk about but the latter wouldn’t explain lack of compliments
I was thinking ED From the beginning. Then you confirmed it. There is clearly avoidance here and he needs to be honest with you. He is either happily not having sex, or scared of failure. You need to discuss this or he talks to his doctor. There is no legitimate reason for him to put the blame on you though. He should stop doing that and admit to whatever it is that stops him having regular sex. Perhaps he has a porn addiction?
He might be asexual
Be honest with yourself and leave. No man is going two years without sex with his woman this alone is something to look into. You might as well move on he’s cheating on you or simply not interested in you but won’t let you go.
This is pretty much a near carbon copy example of the relationship my friend had with her ex of 6.5 years. They had both lived together, seperated, and then lived together, but at the end of the day, nothing happened, so she left him. She's now thriving in a new relationship less than two months later. And no, she didn't have a new man lined up in the cut, as I knew her for 4 years and we were close. I hope you can do what needs to be done in order to find happiness
This doesn’t add up for me. You’ve been together 7 years since 17/18 yet you didn’t have sex until two years ago? Either I’m misunderstanding the timeline here or both of you are seriously lacking sex drive. At 17/18 you should’ve been fucking everywhere and anywhere, cars, the woods, abandoned buildings, you name it. You should consider seing a therapist about this whether you choose to stay in the relationship or, and this is the obvious way to go, not.
He likes you as a person but is simply not physically attracted to you. I’m sorry.
This actually happened with me (M27) and my gf (F27), and there were a few reasons which I think contributed. 1. Porn. I watched a lot of it, and getting my fix that way meant that it was easier and more time efficient for me to bother with a person. 2. The pressure to have sex made me not want to do it. The expectations that came with a relationship made it like a job. We eventually broke up and stayed friends, and I was actually much nicer to her after. We went out on dates and stuff as friends despite not doing any of that when in a relationship. 3. As we got to know each other, we realised that we wanted different things in life, which made me see less of a future with her. This somewhat made me lose interest in pursuing a romantic relationship, and in combo with reason 1, it lead to lack of sex. 4. This one should be higher on the list, but I didn't feel as confident when i was with her. Now that im single, i spend my time going to the gym, wesring what i want without worrying whether im disappointing her or not, chatting to people, etc. But in a relationship, i shut other girls off because i thought that's what being loyal is. I didn't have time to gym, so I wasted more time on social media, etc. I was tired all the time. All of this took my confidence away, and in the end, I didn't feel sexy to want to have sex. Let me caveat the above with the fact that these are my personal experiences, and it may have nothing to do with you or your bf. Just thought maybe it might resonate. For me, taking time off to focus on me and rebuilding my confidence helped, but it came at a cost of losing someone I loved. It just depends on how you can work through your issue to get to a place where you both feel at ease instead of there being a pressure to perform or act a certain way.
Could he have a drug problem? Or simply taking an SSRI for depression issues? Some drugs (both illicit and prescription) can cause ED issues in men, as well as reduced sex drive. This is where my mind first went. Is there any way you can find out if that's the case for your boyfriend?
No idea if it can be “saved”. But it doesn’t sound like your bf things it needs to be, he thinks things are k the way it is. You do not, have communicated this to him many time. He invalidates your feelings by saying you can’t be satisfied. You’re not compatible and he doesn’t care (it isn’t able for whatever reason) to meet your needs.
Sounds like it's time to evaluate even being in this relationship.
Sounds like you have more of an acquaintance than a boyfriend. I’d say after this long, move on and find the love of your life. If he can’t even compliment you without feeling forced to say something nice - I’d say he isn’t even a friend. Y’all just grew up and changed.
He could be in denial with himself. Asexual but refuses to come to terms with that. Maybe family, friends or cultural expectations say that he needs a gf to define himself. Please, please don’t waste any more precious, youthful years with him.
GIRL.... RUN. sorry to be the blunt 1. Unless something is medically wrong with him. He's lost interest. He's too young and immature to communicate and liekly feels a sense of responsibility and guilt about it and thus avoiding it. Remember men mature a lot slower than woman. Also. You guys are each other's 1sts it's so common for 1 or the other to feel a sense of curiosity about being with other people. Not saying he's cheating in traditional sense but trust me so many ways to online. I've seen this 1 too many times. Young couples who started in HS go through this. I went through it as a younger woman and waited way too long to leave waiting for him to come around. And no this isn't a jaded response from personal experience. I was an army wife took care of a lot of young soldiers wives and I saw this happen weekly. You need to set your boundaries, let him know this is a make or break issue for you. Also remember that too much conversation can lead you or him or both to pull away. Sex won't be the sane emotionally You will know when the time is right for you to walk away and PLEASE REMEMBER THERE is a beautiful life after break ups. You got this.
You’re incompatible. Don’t end up in a dead bedroom if you don’t want that for youtself
Could be few reasons: 1. Is he dealing with any kind of stress or depression that you don't know of? Investigate talk to his friends and parents and also check how his relationships are with his family and friends Stress kills sex drive and is one of the cause of ED 2 check his Internet History to see if he is addicted to porn?
A guy his age should be at his prime, with high sex drive. There are two possibilities, either he is asexual or has ED and should be checked out by a doctor. Also, how often do you see each other? Do you always intimate it or he does as well?
Let's be clear-- the issue here is not that he doesn't want to have sex. The issue is that he won't communicate about it. You need to decide whether or not that's something you can tolerate in a relationship. Are you okay with only having sex every few months/years? I wouldn't be. Some people would. Both are okay. This is a compatibility issue. You can really love someone, and they may just not be right for you. I've broken up with people for that. They didn't do anything wrong, but something that I couldn't reasonably ask them to change just wasn't tolerable to me, and I realised I needed to do make some personal growth before searching for or working on a relationship.
You really need to leave. You deserve so much better. To have someone that is truly compatible with you. Please, don’t stay just by habit. You’ll find someone that is truly your match.
Not compatible at all. Just move on and don’t waste some of the best years of your life begging a man for sex. Life is too short and you deserve better. This will likely never change.
Not compatible
I sincerely apologize if this is too large of a presumption, it’s just the context that I’m reading this and leads me to believe there is some thing else going on besides sex drive. Do you know if he suffers from any type of depression at all? I’m asking this as a mental health professional and so this is through my lens. Because I’m reading that you guys started off seven years ago when you were children and now you are both adults working on master degrees and you haven’t had a lot of intimacy In Those years. And he seems to make responsive comments Negatively about complementing you or taking initiative
He does not contribute to the relationship at all, no affection, no love, no care. He is not doing even the bare minimum! Honestly i would just dump him and move on. You deserve better.
You guys are not on the same page sexually and it seems that there is no way that you guys even can meet the half way as he has almost no sex drive while you have higher sex drive. I would say this is time to end things with him so you can date a new guy who is sexually on the same page with you. he tells you that this will get better because he knows this is the only way to keep you with him but you know how this will just get worse as no matter what you do there is no way that you can make him have a high sex drive. You need to stop wasting your time with him as these years you will never get back in your life so better to accept the reality that this is over and you both need to end things. Since this relationship is first for both of you, you both will be in pain initially but with time you will be happy and proud that you were able to end things with him to be with a new man who is for you. He is not a guy for you and sooner you see this and end things with him better it will be for you else you know you are the one who is choosing to live a miserable life that you do not deserve at all.
He is probably gay . Which is why he was ok waiting for so long to have sex and it’s why you have a good friendship otherwise and it’s probably why he got ED. He may not even accept it himself fully yet as you together from a young age. There are serious issues regardless that he is simply not addressing . He’s not seeking medical help or psychological help. He’s not really talking to you about it and is more stringing you along . If you won’t do anything to resolve the situation then I think you should consider moving on. Break up amicably . If he is gay or asexual then that’s just who he is but it’s not what you signed up for .
Stop nagging, stop crying, break up and move on.
I am sad to say,,read the writing on the wall and move on. Life is a gift, live it!
Sounds like he’s asexual. You’re way too young to be sacrificing life experiences for a guy. Go be single and have fun for a few years before settling down again. It will be hard at first bc you’re so used to him, but after some time you’ll discover a whole new world as also yourself. I’m 29 and if I could redo my 20s, I would stayed single for the majority of them.
Get medical/psychological help
He's a porn addict. 100%. That's why he can't get it up.
Maybe you would be better off as just friends. Sometimes this happens and it’s ok. You’re too young to be dealing with these issues. That’s for when you’re older. Go find someone who will want the passion like you do.
Have you thought about taking a temporary break to reassess your feelings? It might give you both some clarity on what you truly want.
You can't fix the problem because he's the one with the issue and isn't doing anything to resolve it. If he's not willing to work with you, you have to accept this as your life or leave.
He doesn’t find you attractive. You should have to beg a man to sleep with you or give you compliments. Dump him and move ob
**I’m** always amazed at the amount of devaluing of self that goes on with women in relationships. The idea of turning yourself inside out for a piece of a man is a mental illness.
It's only going to get worse. Life is too short to have a dead bedroom
He probably watches porn. It pretty much kills a sex drive.
He's a porn addict.
Sounds like he is asexual. Wven with ED, I would think the desire is there. Seems like he doesn't have a sex drive. If he did, he would have the wandering eye. It's time for a better fit.
We should wife swap. My wife does same to me
It’s very possible that he just isn’t into women. Another possibility is that he is depressed. He might be taking anti depressants and that can kill libido and cause erectile dysfunction. His lack of attention and simple compliments is something different. Try not to waste years of dissatisfaction with your SO. There are millions of men out there that could give you what you want and need.
He's either not into sex in general, not into you or has a full fledged porn addiction. Any of those would shut down your goal of getting laid.