1) Options 2 and 3 are the viable options. Truthfully though the ball is in your court and YOU should be the one who decides what they want. If your husband can't deal with option 2, then option 3 is the only route.
2) He's selfish.
3) There's no understanding it. Your husband is clearly a selfish person who just thought they would get what they wanted out of a relationship and didn't care what you wanted. That's it.
4) No idea on this one, but honestly sounds like it could get convoluted really fast. Especially considering you have kids, I'm not sure this would be the best route.
5) You likely were blinded by love to see all the short comings. You said you were hyper sexual so at some point you should have realized a lack of chemistry in that area. Other than that, you were manipulated and lied to, so there's not really a point you went wrong.
6) He's using that as a cop out. He knows he mislead you and is/was selfish. Don't beat yourself up about this here.
I think its time you re-evaluated your relationship as to whether you want to stay in it.
I'd only do 2 if it improved the relationship between you and your husband. I'm doubtful it would. Leaving 3 as the likely option.
I reckon his problems are more than the sexual aspect.
He might just to make my life hell, but I think texting that he's not the type of person I wanted and how I wasted my time on a lie is going to help. It was the equivalent of finding out my husband was gay, except he only likes himself. I only cared that he lied about it. I could have been with someone else who valued me instead of this bullshit. He and I could have stayed friends. We could have had different lives.
Oh, I'm definitely having bouts where I'm completely filled with rage, and I'm horrified and shook over being inside my own body. I feel so violated, and yet I'm having to respect this and find some understanding with it all. He's says I'm acting weird and that this is no big deal. He doesn't understand what he just did to me, and he doesn't want to understand. He doesn't care.
But I will get through this for sure. I'm not worried about the children. I don't think he'll fight me there. He's more worried about the house.
>. He doesn't understand what he just did to me, and he doesn't want to understand. He doesn't care.
You need to leave him and find someone who does care. The way he treated you by initiating sex and then punishing you for it is abusive. I bet he has you worn down over the years doing similar things. Please use this wake-up call to get out. You deserve much better.
This marriage is over give it up he lied and makes you feel bad for it time to move on you have plenty of time to find someone amazing who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Life's way to short to settle for second best kick him out
I'd only agree to an open marriage if he agreed to it too. I'm not willing to cheat on him. I don't see him making that compromise, which is probably a horrible idea. I'm thinking option 3 anyway.
It's hard right now belive me I know I had to start over again a year older than you after a long term relationship. But I healed a little then meet the most amazing caring partner. And I am sure you will too. I am getting married again soon there is a lot of good people out there. Don't waste time on someone who does not even care about you never mind love you.
This wouldn't be my first time starting over, and I've been resilient in the past. I can make it, even if I don't feel like it right now. I just know this about me. I've come out of way worse, and I can do this too. You're right. It's hard to leave him because I do love him, but for some reason, I care more about him loving me than me being happy. I'm just realizing this.
You know your own self worth and you know deep down its time to move on. I wish you the best of luck there is so much happiness it's time to start living it
The consensus says option 3 anyway. You're adding on to me leaning towards that. I don't know how much clearer this can get, but yeah, I'm going to listen because I feel like everyone is giving me logical reasons to, including you
You don't even know if he's telling the truth now. From where I'm sitting, it sounds like he answered your questions in the most hurtful way he could think of, because he was mad about something. Maybe he's asexual, maybe he's not. But he is a liar.Â
On Mother's Day, he did take off somewhere, and I still don't know anything about that. He just said he didn't want spend the day with me. I still haven't celebrated it, and I'm not going to at this point. You're right. I don't even know if this is true.
Are you sure he isn't having an affair? The way he is rewriting history and making everything your fault is very suspicious. An affair would explain his anger. Some people involved in affairs feel guilty for having sex with their partners because many use lack of sex to justify an affair. Divorce seems right here. He has mentally left the marriage.
>Are you sure he isn't having an affair?
I don't care if he is having an affair or not anymore. If this is just another lie to cover up another lie, he can go be with them. If there is someone, he can be their problem now.
I don't blame you. With the way he is accusing you of forcing intimacy, I wouldn't even do the open relationship. He'll just accuse you of cheating then. Be careful what you text him. He might use them against you to gain sympathy.
Oh, no. I'm being open about it. It's not like I'm going into the dating scene tomorrow. It's going to be a while, anyway. I did let him know tonight that this is where I was headed. I asked if he really wanted a divorce, and he just kept saying I was the one who wanted it all along. The fact that he keeps flipping everything back to me like that. Yeah, I'm tired of that.
I calmly discussed the divorce tonight. I told him that I'm letting him go. That's all I can do. I just told him that I eventually will see other people. I also told him that the next person he's with deserves a better introduction to this than what I got. I told him that through my research in the last couple of days, I realized that dating was going to be hard for him. I told him that he needed to make sure the next one was on board with what he wanted instead of expecting someone to just follow suit because he doesn't like it.
He's being really, really nice now.
This is bigger than just him being asexual and you deciding how to deal with that. It was him lying for years knowing that it was negatively affecting you and not giving at damn. It's how he's treated you over the years. And I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time he's turned any frustration with himself or anger at himself around to anger at you.
I would suggest solo therapy to figure out what YOU want and then do that. Your husband has been doing what's best for him and giving no shits about you for a decade. Time to put yourself first. I'd guess that divorce is the best option - partly because considering the state your marriage is in I don't think you could do no-emotions sex unless you were only doing ONS.
It is the lie, and it's also how he made me feel like I sa'd him somehow. That really broke me down. Also, it took 20 years and a special person to get me back into therapy after a bad experience when I was a kid. This special person directed me to the person who I'm seeing now for therapy. I had already known my therapist for years, which was the only way I could even get there. I'm thankful to the special woman who spent years getting me there. She really cared about me.
Him making you feeling like you SA him is not the lie though. It's him being a shitty person by making a choice of his own free will and then using that choice to make you feel bad and feel like shit. And it seems to be a pattern of his to make lots of choices he makes your fault.
He does blame me for everything and I'm tired of it. I know I'm not the whole problem. He even tells me that I'm a narcissist, and I really wish I knew why he thought that. I don't think I am that way, but maybe there's something I'm doing that I don't realize I'm doing.
> He even tells me that I'm a narcissist, and I really wish I knew why he thought that. I don't think I am that way, but maybe there's something I'm doing that I don't realize I'm doing.
Or maybe he's saying something that isn't true to hurt you and to deflect away from his crappy behavior.
This could be true. I met my therapist way before he was my therapist. I've known him for 9 years. He's worked with me until he became a therapist. If anyone could see that in me, it should be my therapist. Would he tell me if he saw that in me?
I might be. I just was wondering if my therapist would be allowed to tell me if he saw that in me. If he would have by now, then mostly like I'm not. I think I care too much about others.
Oh shit. I need some sources. I need to look this up because I'm always to blame for everything, and I'm not worth anything. I know I'm not. I'm just tired of him telling me that.
That’s classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), if he hurts you it’s about how your feelings are wrong, he is never accountable. That’s exhausting and abusive. Even if he isn’t a clinical narcissist, you know he’s got little to no empathy or humility, and that he won’t improve.
I’d recommend googling cerebral covert narcissism and see how much that overlaps with him if you’re curious, but truly I think he’s shown he’s not a good partner to you already, no need to get lost in searching for a solution when you already have your answer
So, I did take the time to research what you had said, and it does sound like he has a bit of both. I've decided to screenshot my messages with him. I'll be taking my receipts to a lawyer as soon as I'm able. Thank you.
I would not tell him whatever your decision is. He’s a liar at best. You can’t trust him and he may decide to tell your children if he thinks you have a friend. Start having your own life. You love who you thought he was, not who he is. He may be in the closet but not ready to come out. See a lawyer. You don’t have to tell him what you are doing.
First off, stop blaming yourself and taking accountability for your husband's dishonesty. Second, get a divorce. You deserve a chance to have the kind of partner/ relationship you want. Get a divorce.Â
Because he knew you wouldn't be with him if he was honest so he selfishly withheld the truth.
I think you already understand the situation well enough. It's hard to make sense of it all when you're thinking with your heart.
I dont think you should do this. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve better.
You didn't go wrong. Stop blaming yourself.Â
Even if you took him seriously, his statement would not equate to "I'm asexual". You wouldn't have known that.Â
>Even if you took him seriously, his statement would not equate to "I'm asexual". You wouldn't have known that.Â
That's definitely one thing I was looking for, and thank you for the rest of that.
I think he’s bullshitting you. I think he found a new way to hurt you and is going at it full force. If he was genuinely asexual and was coming from a place of being a non-asshole, he would’ve sat you down for an actual conversation about it and not said all those hurtful things.
Could brain damage make him be like this? Because I've always suspected that. He thinks I'm awful to him when I mention it, but I've noticed things about him. Sometimes, his headaches get so bad that he's screamed over how bad it hurts, and he won't get it checked out. I'm worried about him.
> How do I handle this?
You've said you're considering divorce. I think that's a good plan.
> Why would he lie to me if he knew we weren't compatible all along?
For whatever reason, he wanted you around as his wife. Maybe it's your income, maybe it's the work you taking of him, maybe he wanted children one day, maybe he thought having a spouse was the socially expected thing, maybe he wanted someone around he could treat badly.
> How can I understand this situation better?
I'm not sure you should try. Maybe he really is selfish and mean.
> If an open marriage could work, what are some ideas about boundaries I haven't listed?
I'm not qualified to give advice on this and I'm not sure it's a good solution for you.
> Where did I go wrong?
I'm not sure you did. You can do everything right and still get hurt.
> He jokes so much. How does "I like to jerk off and play video games" translate to "I'm asexual?" How was I supposed to know he was serious when I can't even tell if he's being serious?
Maybe he made it difficult for you to determine.
>For whatever reason, he wanted you around as his wife. Maybe it's your income, maybe it's the work you taking of him, maybe he wanted children one day, maybe he thought having a spouse was the socially expected thing, maybe he wanted someone around he could treat badly.
He said he didn't believe in marriage and blamed me for supposedly making him marry me. Yes, I wanted that, but he did that willingly. I could have never made him do that. He did say he wanted children at the very beginning, and then I was pregnant within months. I was on the Nuva Ring then. I don't suspect he did anything, but I've questioned it. Now he's a decent father, but I solely take care of the kids. As far as treating me badly, I'm not sure, but he's always said that there's nothing good to say about me.
>As far as treating me badly, I'm not sure, but he's always said that there's nothing good to say about me.
Your husband says to your face that there's NOTHING GOOD to say about you and you're wondering if he treats you badly? Oh honey...he's beaten you so far down in the time you've been with him you can't even see the shit he's piling on top of you.
Please, for your children if not yourself, get into some individual therapy if you can't make the decision to leave right this second.
This should be treated the same as marrying someone when they know they are gay and partner straight and cheaters . Should be at fault and get shit kicked in the divorce . Instead no penalty move on . I would divorce . This is the ultimate betrayal
I actually said this to my mom earlier. It does feel like the same scenario. I probably can't do anything about it in court, but it sure does hurt. I realize that he is comfortable with the way he is. I'm glad that he is. He was open with everyone else and, for some reason, didn't clarify this with me. Whatever the reason is doesn't matter anymore. I don't think I'll ever be told the truth. It just really hurts.
He's even taking notice this evening. I can tell. He's being a lot nicer. I just don't want it anymore. If we can just work things out long enough to get my shit together, I can leave in a pretty good way.
Ask him to move out of bedroom and say you need time ,or ask him if he can stay at friends for a bit but the kids will be confused with both these . Go see a lawyer . And please don’t stay for the kids n. It will be hard but seeing you both happy will
Make it easier .
A lawyer will go over division of assets if child support if alimony and give him 50/50 with kids , and you won’t believe it but his week will them will be so enjoyable , yes miss them but younwill look forward to it somewhat . But get a custody agreement in writing with everything from holidays to school to sports fees camp university etc everything
I've been thinking of this, and we've had discussions. My kids still need their father. We don't need to be together for that. He already knows what I want in a divorce. I'll put it in writing when we're ready.
Your urges are not his problem and he doesn’t care how you deal with them? Find a divorce lawyer now….do not pass go….Do it and get rid of the lying asshole
Why do you want to stay married? Forget about, "But I love him" or "he's a great father." What does he do specifically that makes you want to stay married?
1. Therapy
2. Only he can answer this and I doubt you'll ever get the truth. My best guess is that he was also lying to himself.
3. Therapy. Maybe some books.
4. Based on what info you've provided, I don't see this as a viable or sustainable option.
5. You didn't. You fell in love. Therapy will help you understand that none of this was your fault.
6. Lesson learned. The older I get, the more I realize "jokes" have some - however small - truth to them .
I'm in therapy and have been open about this. Maybe I should stop rambling, and let him speak for once. I'm on the right path with that, so I just need to figure out how this is supposed to go. I'll get there.
As far as an open marriage, I'm thinking twice about even wanting that because people are right. It's not a good idea, and it'll probably cause more damage. When I do start dating again, those boundaries I listed will be in place anyway. I've never let any of my kids meet who I was with unless it was a serious relationship, or that fwb was already a close friend. I don't trust people.
I don’t see how you love him, are even considering staying or even like him. He sounds absolutely terrible. If you have been unhappy for some time and he has been trying to crazy-make you for something HE initiated… hell no.
It would be different if he realized throughout the marriage that he was actually asexual and shared jt with you, but to always know and enter into a marriage knowing, then try to gaslight… and he’s doubling down. Thats unforgivable. It’s your life and you can obviously do as you please, but if it were me… there is no.
If I continued this marriage, I wouldn't continue without that compromise. He'd have to agree or lose me at this point. I still don't want anyone else, but I can't live like this either. I just wish he gave me that serious conversation at the beginning. I've been upfront about things that might seem embarrassing, but if my partner needs to know something, I will make sure they know.
Intimacy in a relationship is more than just sex. If you can't even touch him, opening the marriage is just delaying the divorce until you either find someone new or one of you can't handle it anymore.
If you are a monogamous person, opening the marriage won't work. You will inevitably develop feelings for either one of your partners or end up with an emotional affair with someone in your orbit. If you value sex as a way to bring you closer to your partner, something that helps create connection and Intimacy in your relationship, or if you are someone who thinks feelings make sex better, this solution is not for you. Sure, you can go have some fun, feel desirable again, maybe have some good orgasims, but casual sex will never replace the Intimacy that most monogamous people need in a relationship.
I am not knocking open relationships or people that have casual sex. It works for some people and that's fantastic. But the impression I get from your post is that you will not be one of the people that this ultimately works for. I could be wrong, but please think long and hard about what you want from a sexual relationship and how you would encourage Intimacy with your husband if you stayed. Please don't open the marriage only to divorce a year later after he is now claiming you cheated on him and that is exactly what it will look like to anyone you don't give the full story to. It's not worth it.
1. You get a divorce. You deserve more than just an open relationship with this guy, you deserve the shot at a real realtionship with someone you can be intimate with. This man is now just a coparent to you.
2. Admitting you are asexual is terrifying and honestly weird, plus if he wanted kids that adds a whole other layer to it. I'm not saying what he did was right becuas it 100% was not, but I do see how the "lie" could get out of hand on accident. If he was okay with fucking for your sake in the past it might not have even seemed like a lie to him at the time, it just turned out that he couldn't keep it up.
3. Girl idk, I think you have to just give up on psycho analyzing this and leave. Do your best not to vilify him to the kids if he is still a good father.
4. You don't want that. You are already unhappy in this marriage. Adding more loveless sex to your life is not the solution. I promise you still have plenty of time to meet someone else who can be romantic and sexual.
5. I can only speak to the details of this post, but it sounds like no where. "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose" -Captain Jean Luc Picard
6. It doesn't matter. If he can't even have a serious conversation about your marriage and sex life at this point then he isn't worth staying with.
I've been in an open relationship before and it only works if you actually love the person you are with, otherwise it's just a pit stop on the way to break up. Open relationships are very complicated and if others in your social circle find out it will cause even more problems for you both.
I understand your answer for #2. I am bisexual, and I still can't come out to some of my family members. I just wish he had trusted me with this. I am open to friendships with almost any kind of person. Goodness, the only good uncle my kids have is a biological female.
For #6, I've been in open relationships before too, but I knew they were only temporary. I've never tried it with someone I love before though. I'm thinking option #3 is probably the best way to go.
I don't even want to make him the bad guy to our kids. He does love them, and they love him. I can't tear them apart, and I want him to keep being there for them no matter what we go through.
Wow. You deserve so much better. I’m heartbroken and so angry for you. I would leave him and not invest another ten years. You can have a new relationship that is much more fulfilling emotionally and physically, without years of casual sex with strangers, insecurity, feeling like you are not enough, resentment, and mental mind games.
Get a therapist to work individually with you on processing everything and work on an exit plan. Don’t tell him about any decisions you are making. Work it through for yourself first.
Sending big hugs your way.
Awww thank you. I am in therapy and will definitely bring this up. My husband still doesn't see why I'm so angry and hurt. He honestly thinks I should just conform to his lifestyle and be ok. I told him. "You're the asexual one. Not me. Why are you trying to make me live a life I don't want or be something I'm not? Didn't you fall in love with me for me?" And I just found all of my answers. He wasn't very nice about it.
Apart from his asexual identity... Why would you stay with someone who lied (by omission). He dragged you with him and stole from you ten years of the time you could have spend with someone who desired you.
I would divorce his semfish ass, asap. Good luck OP.
Get a divorce lawyer. Start moving toward divorce. I don't think an open marriage is going to be the solution given how much anger and hurt there is here. It's also often not possible to maintain a boundary of "not getting emotionally involved with someone," especially when the primary relationship is rocky. Feelings happen. I don't think the two of you have a good foundation for functional polyamory, and I think if you try to have an open marriage, you're going to fall in love with someone who enthusiastically wants sex with you, and have a much messier divorce. Just pull the plug on this now and go.
Divorce him and move on. Open relationships are toxic swill. The boundaries are not sustainable you and could fall for the first man you date. It is not reasonable. Don't involve your children in this. Go to an attorney and divorce, and move on. Just learn to parent together.
There is way too much turmoil built up around his dishonesty. You say option 2 and 3 are viable options, but is staying married to him realistic?
He can't fully offer you sexual OR emotional compatibility and fulfillment. You do deserve that. It's not his fault he can't offer that to you. It is his fault that he didn't tell you and ESPECIALLY his fault for acting like a giant dickhead to you about it.
I'd say you should mentally be preparing yourself for divorce. Maybe the open relationship thing works out. Maybe give it a try. I don't see it as a long-term solution though. You're not being fair to yourself to just limit yourself to NSA men and FWB's.
A divorce is looking like the most likely scenario. I'm just going to hope that he finds someone who he can treat better and be more compatible with. I hope he finds someone who can make him happier. He's also not the one for me either. It sucks. It didn't have to be this way. We had a chance to still stay friends.
I don't know what's worse: thinking I was no longer attractive to him and him hating my guts for it, or finding out 10 years was a lie
You have all rights to be bitter about this. I certainly would be.
As much as it pains me to say this, maybe give him the chance to explain himself a little better. At some point when you don't feel so raw about it. It may actually help you to feel some better. I sort of see a parallel with the men who are gay, know they're gay and still marry a woman and have kids, only one day to come out as gay and the whole house of cards falls.
It's a challenging world for someone who doesn't traditionally squarely fit in the straight hetero cis male category. I'm only suggesting that there are internal struggles people who are asexual go through that we will never know.
I still think he's a prick and you clearly deserve more.
He didn't even have to be a straight man. Just interested in me. I don't care about things like that. My grandparents didn't like me because I chose to be different. They will always love me. I just didn't fit in with their ideas. They don't even know my own status, and I chose to let them die thinking I'm a straight woman. It doesn't bother me.
If he had a struggle, he could have opened up about it. He didn't need to be mean about it. I could have helped support him the best I could. That's what married people are supposed to do. Support each other, and that was one way he could have let me do that.
Oh I get it. Please do not take this as me defending him at all. He was needlessly vicious and for what reason? You doing everything in your power to be a supportive spouse? Total garbage.
Only saying the internal struggle may have been part of where his venom comes from. It's no excuse, it's not acceptable, it is needlessly cruel. But it may be part of the rationale.
Again, to be clear, I have no sympathy for him and I don't think you should either. Investing 10 years of your life to a man who just lied to you and THEN made you feel like shit about yourself is a whole other level of inexcusable. You're right, he's wrong.
I'm sorry you went through this and I hope it all works out.
I'm welcoming all perspectives from anyone who thinks they have insight. Whether you're defending him or not is not an issue with me. I want to know what's going on with him.
Give him his freedom, but make sure that he is contractually bound to provide for his kids until they are fully educated and at least able to be independent.
As time goes by and assuming he keeps up with his family responsibilities, hopefully you can get over this pain….
You're right. I need to move on. He's an OK father for the kids, but I'm still going to seek sole custody. He will block my number over me asking a question, and with our special needs child, I'd be worried that he'd be in one of those moods if I needed his signature on anything. I'd tear him apart. I already told him that. I deal with 100% of all of the medical, legal, and education stuff. He chose not to be involved in that. There's no way that I can stop him from being involved, and he never did any of it.
He doesn't treat the kids this way. I know that. We've had some disagreements about things because we're going to, but he's pretty good with the kids. They all love each other, so I'm just going to have to work with him on all of that. He said that if I draw child support, that it would be all of the support I would get. He wouldn't give extra. Well, I don't have any access to the finances, so it seems like a better option anyway.
I could trust him with the kids. I don't think he's going to do anything towards them to get back at me. Everything seems directed towards me anyway. He doesn't pull all of this on them, at least. He just really acts like he hates me.
I've been thinking about this for a while. I've got a few things to take care of so that I can prepare to go.
Option #3! Get out of there! He doesn't get to be MEAN to you because he's feeling things about coming out of the asexual closet! You've been a single mum before - you can do it again! Think of the FREEDOM! <3 YOU GOT THIS!
Take it from someone in an open marriage, this is not the option you want. You need to feel that love and sexual closeness with someone, as well as sexual gratification. This man lied to you and made you feel unwanted with zero explanation for a decade. Open marriages require trust, love, respect, and fully communicated boundaries. Having sex with a man who is not your husband will likely magnify the feelings of sadness you already have. Walk away from this and find a man who will love and want you in the same way.
1. Go find a boyfriend.
2. Maybe he needed a wife due to pressure from his family.
3. Search his phone and look up his porn history.
4. Was not bringing your side D around the kids one of the boundaries?
5. You didn't discuss this 8-10 years ago.
6. If he's full of shit like that, just start ignoring his words and only go by his actions.
For #2, I've received multiple scenarios, and the best I can figure is that I was only useful in giving him a son, although that son is special needs. He's been mad that I got sterilized. I got sterilized because I don't want any more kids. My children are everything, but I don't want to be stuck raising any more kids by myself
As a guy who knows what it feels like to be addicted to pron... I would be willing to bet good money that's the real issue here. It's difficult to have any libido when you're cranking the hog to some chick who's over the top attractive or jerkin the gherkin to the newest Bangbros episode every chance you get.
Just my $2, but it's worth having that conversation with him. Maybe you could show him the "EasyPeasy" method that Reddit champions and see if he's willing to do anything more than "jerk off and play video games": https://www.reddit.com/r/VeraciousReality/comments/vk4ksj/what_is_the_easypeasy_method_and_why_i_keep/
That's what he says he likes most. I've caught him sneaking pictures of me on the past, and since he's not open about that, I did make me uneasy. I chose to ignore it because that's all he did there. It's just pictures I felt uneasy about. I don't think he's sharing them. I think they're just for him.
1) Options 2 and 3 are the viable options. Truthfully though the ball is in your court and YOU should be the one who decides what they want. If your husband can't deal with option 2, then option 3 is the only route. 2) He's selfish. 3) There's no understanding it. Your husband is clearly a selfish person who just thought they would get what they wanted out of a relationship and didn't care what you wanted. That's it. 4) No idea on this one, but honestly sounds like it could get convoluted really fast. Especially considering you have kids, I'm not sure this would be the best route. 5) You likely were blinded by love to see all the short comings. You said you were hyper sexual so at some point you should have realized a lack of chemistry in that area. Other than that, you were manipulated and lied to, so there's not really a point you went wrong. 6) He's using that as a cop out. He knows he mislead you and is/was selfish. Don't beat yourself up about this here. I think its time you re-evaluated your relationship as to whether you want to stay in it.
I was probably blinded by love, but at that time, we were having sex several times a day in the beginning. Then it just went wrong shortly after.
Divorce him. He honestly sounds like a selfish person and bad husband.
I'd only do 2 if it improved the relationship between you and your husband. I'm doubtful it would. Leaving 3 as the likely option. I reckon his problems are more than the sexual aspect.
Would he use an open marriage against you in a future divorce?
He might just to make my life hell, but I think texting that he's not the type of person I wanted and how I wasted my time on a lie is going to help. It was the equivalent of finding out my husband was gay, except he only likes himself. I only cared that he lied about it. I could have been with someone else who valued me instead of this bullshit. He and I could have stayed friends. We could have had different lives.
I completely understand where you're coming from, I'm not a forgiving person and if I were in your shoes, I would be livid at the betrayal, there would be no recovering I fear. I'm so sorry you're going through this, we want to believe the best of the people we love. You need to protect yourself and your children. Anecdotally, it's never too late to find love, I've known 4 women in particular - all mothers, to children 7-30 - who have found all-consuming, life changing relationships that are the most devoted and wonderful relationships I've ever encountered. Life feels like it's ending when it's changing in big ways, give yourself some more time to feel and process 🩷
Oh, I'm definitely having bouts where I'm completely filled with rage, and I'm horrified and shook over being inside my own body. I feel so violated, and yet I'm having to respect this and find some understanding with it all. He's says I'm acting weird and that this is no big deal. He doesn't understand what he just did to me, and he doesn't want to understand. He doesn't care. But I will get through this for sure. I'm not worried about the children. I don't think he'll fight me there. He's more worried about the house.
>. He doesn't understand what he just did to me, and he doesn't want to understand. He doesn't care. You need to leave him and find someone who does care. The way he treated you by initiating sex and then punishing you for it is abusive. I bet he has you worn down over the years doing similar things. Please use this wake-up call to get out. You deserve much better.
This marriage is over give it up he lied and makes you feel bad for it time to move on you have plenty of time to find someone amazing who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Life's way to short to settle for second best kick him out
I'd only agree to an open marriage if he agreed to it too. I'm not willing to cheat on him. I don't see him making that compromise, which is probably a horrible idea. I'm thinking option 3 anyway.
It's hard right now belive me I know I had to start over again a year older than you after a long term relationship. But I healed a little then meet the most amazing caring partner. And I am sure you will too. I am getting married again soon there is a lot of good people out there. Don't waste time on someone who does not even care about you never mind love you.
This wouldn't be my first time starting over, and I've been resilient in the past. I can make it, even if I don't feel like it right now. I just know this about me. I've come out of way worse, and I can do this too. You're right. It's hard to leave him because I do love him, but for some reason, I care more about him loving me than me being happy. I'm just realizing this.
You know your own self worth and you know deep down its time to move on. I wish you the best of luck there is so much happiness it's time to start living it
Thank you. I really needed to hear that
Option 3 is the only real option for your long term happiness.
The consensus says option 3 anyway. You're adding on to me leaning towards that. I don't know how much clearer this can get, but yeah, I'm going to listen because I feel like everyone is giving me logical reasons to, including you
You don't even know if he's telling the truth now. From where I'm sitting, it sounds like he answered your questions in the most hurtful way he could think of, because he was mad about something. Maybe he's asexual, maybe he's not. But he is a liar.Â
On Mother's Day, he did take off somewhere, and I still don't know anything about that. He just said he didn't want spend the day with me. I still haven't celebrated it, and I'm not going to at this point. You're right. I don't even know if this is true.
Are you sure he isn't having an affair? The way he is rewriting history and making everything your fault is very suspicious. An affair would explain his anger. Some people involved in affairs feel guilty for having sex with their partners because many use lack of sex to justify an affair. Divorce seems right here. He has mentally left the marriage.
>Are you sure he isn't having an affair? I don't care if he is having an affair or not anymore. If this is just another lie to cover up another lie, he can go be with them. If there is someone, he can be their problem now.
I don't blame you. With the way he is accusing you of forcing intimacy, I wouldn't even do the open relationship. He'll just accuse you of cheating then. Be careful what you text him. He might use them against you to gain sympathy.
Oh, no. I'm being open about it. It's not like I'm going into the dating scene tomorrow. It's going to be a while, anyway. I did let him know tonight that this is where I was headed. I asked if he really wanted a divorce, and he just kept saying I was the one who wanted it all along. The fact that he keeps flipping everything back to me like that. Yeah, I'm tired of that. I calmly discussed the divorce tonight. I told him that I'm letting him go. That's all I can do. I just told him that I eventually will see other people. I also told him that the next person he's with deserves a better introduction to this than what I got. I told him that through my research in the last couple of days, I realized that dating was going to be hard for him. I told him that he needed to make sure the next one was on board with what he wanted instead of expecting someone to just follow suit because he doesn't like it. He's being really, really nice now.
This is what I'm wondering too. The wording he used and his apparent hatred for her is telling.
This is bigger than just him being asexual and you deciding how to deal with that. It was him lying for years knowing that it was negatively affecting you and not giving at damn. It's how he's treated you over the years. And I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time he's turned any frustration with himself or anger at himself around to anger at you. I would suggest solo therapy to figure out what YOU want and then do that. Your husband has been doing what's best for him and giving no shits about you for a decade. Time to put yourself first. I'd guess that divorce is the best option - partly because considering the state your marriage is in I don't think you could do no-emotions sex unless you were only doing ONS.
It is the lie, and it's also how he made me feel like I sa'd him somehow. That really broke me down. Also, it took 20 years and a special person to get me back into therapy after a bad experience when I was a kid. This special person directed me to the person who I'm seeing now for therapy. I had already known my therapist for years, which was the only way I could even get there. I'm thankful to the special woman who spent years getting me there. She really cared about me.
Him making you feeling like you SA him is not the lie though. It's him being a shitty person by making a choice of his own free will and then using that choice to make you feel bad and feel like shit. And it seems to be a pattern of his to make lots of choices he makes your fault.
He does blame me for everything and I'm tired of it. I know I'm not the whole problem. He even tells me that I'm a narcissist, and I really wish I knew why he thought that. I don't think I am that way, but maybe there's something I'm doing that I don't realize I'm doing.
> He even tells me that I'm a narcissist, and I really wish I knew why he thought that. I don't think I am that way, but maybe there's something I'm doing that I don't realize I'm doing. Or maybe he's saying something that isn't true to hurt you and to deflect away from his crappy behavior.
This could be true. I met my therapist way before he was my therapist. I've known him for 9 years. He's worked with me until he became a therapist. If anyone could see that in me, it should be my therapist. Would he tell me if he saw that in me?
You are giving your husband's attempts at manipulation far too much credit.
I might be. I just was wondering if my therapist would be allowed to tell me if he saw that in me. If he would have by now, then mostly like I'm not. I think I care too much about others.
Narcissists sometimes project that onto others. He sounds like a covert narcissist, the cerebral type are often asexual
Oh shit. I need some sources. I need to look this up because I'm always to blame for everything, and I'm not worth anything. I know I'm not. I'm just tired of him telling me that.
That’s classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), if he hurts you it’s about how your feelings are wrong, he is never accountable. That’s exhausting and abusive. Even if he isn’t a clinical narcissist, you know he’s got little to no empathy or humility, and that he won’t improve. I’d recommend googling cerebral covert narcissism and see how much that overlaps with him if you’re curious, but truly I think he’s shown he’s not a good partner to you already, no need to get lost in searching for a solution when you already have your answer
Yeah, I don't buy that he is asexual. It sounds like a narcissist who just lost interest/ flipped a switch.
So, I did take the time to research what you had said, and it does sound like he has a bit of both. I've decided to screenshot my messages with him. I'll be taking my receipts to a lawyer as soon as I'm able. Thank you.
Best of luck to you, I hope in time you’ll meet a much better partner :)
I would not tell him whatever your decision is. He’s a liar at best. You can’t trust him and he may decide to tell your children if he thinks you have a friend. Start having your own life. You love who you thought he was, not who he is. He may be in the closet but not ready to come out. See a lawyer. You don’t have to tell him what you are doing.
Thank you. I'll take that advice for sure
First off, stop blaming yourself and taking accountability for your husband's dishonesty. Second, get a divorce. You deserve a chance to have the kind of partner/ relationship you want. Get a divorce. Because he knew you wouldn't be with him if he was honest so he selfishly withheld the truth. I think you already understand the situation well enough. It's hard to make sense of it all when you're thinking with your heart. I dont think you should do this. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. You didn't go wrong. Stop blaming yourself. Even if you took him seriously, his statement would not equate to "I'm asexual". You wouldn't have known that.Â
>Even if you took him seriously, his statement would not equate to "I'm asexual". You wouldn't have known that. That's definitely one thing I was looking for, and thank you for the rest of that.
I think he’s bullshitting you. I think he found a new way to hurt you and is going at it full force. If he was genuinely asexual and was coming from a place of being a non-asshole, he would’ve sat you down for an actual conversation about it and not said all those hurtful things.
Could brain damage make him be like this? Because I've always suspected that. He thinks I'm awful to him when I mention it, but I've noticed things about him. Sometimes, his headaches get so bad that he's screamed over how bad it hurts, and he won't get it checked out. I'm worried about him.
does he do this to other people or just you?
I don't see him doing this to other people.
then it’s not brain damage and he’s being a dick to you on purpose. if he had brain damage he wouldn’t be able to control when he goes crazy.
> How do I handle this? You've said you're considering divorce. I think that's a good plan. > Why would he lie to me if he knew we weren't compatible all along? For whatever reason, he wanted you around as his wife. Maybe it's your income, maybe it's the work you taking of him, maybe he wanted children one day, maybe he thought having a spouse was the socially expected thing, maybe he wanted someone around he could treat badly. > How can I understand this situation better? I'm not sure you should try. Maybe he really is selfish and mean. > If an open marriage could work, what are some ideas about boundaries I haven't listed? I'm not qualified to give advice on this and I'm not sure it's a good solution for you. > Where did I go wrong? I'm not sure you did. You can do everything right and still get hurt. > He jokes so much. How does "I like to jerk off and play video games" translate to "I'm asexual?" How was I supposed to know he was serious when I can't even tell if he's being serious? Maybe he made it difficult for you to determine.
>For whatever reason, he wanted you around as his wife. Maybe it's your income, maybe it's the work you taking of him, maybe he wanted children one day, maybe he thought having a spouse was the socially expected thing, maybe he wanted someone around he could treat badly. He said he didn't believe in marriage and blamed me for supposedly making him marry me. Yes, I wanted that, but he did that willingly. I could have never made him do that. He did say he wanted children at the very beginning, and then I was pregnant within months. I was on the Nuva Ring then. I don't suspect he did anything, but I've questioned it. Now he's a decent father, but I solely take care of the kids. As far as treating me badly, I'm not sure, but he's always said that there's nothing good to say about me.
>As far as treating me badly, I'm not sure, but he's always said that there's nothing good to say about me. Your husband says to your face that there's NOTHING GOOD to say about you and you're wondering if he treats you badly? Oh honey...he's beaten you so far down in the time you've been with him you can't even see the shit he's piling on top of you. Please, for your children if not yourself, get into some individual therapy if you can't make the decision to leave right this second.
I'm in therapy, and I do trust my therapist with this. I'll be bringing it up to them at my next appointment.
This should be treated the same as marrying someone when they know they are gay and partner straight and cheaters . Should be at fault and get shit kicked in the divorce . Instead no penalty move on . I would divorce . This is the ultimate betrayal
I actually said this to my mom earlier. It does feel like the same scenario. I probably can't do anything about it in court, but it sure does hurt. I realize that he is comfortable with the way he is. I'm glad that he is. He was open with everyone else and, for some reason, didn't clarify this with me. Whatever the reason is doesn't matter anymore. I don't think I'll ever be told the truth. It just really hurts. He's even taking notice this evening. I can tell. He's being a lot nicer. I just don't want it anymore. If we can just work things out long enough to get my shit together, I can leave in a pretty good way.
Ask him to move out of bedroom and say you need time ,or ask him if he can stay at friends for a bit but the kids will be confused with both these . Go see a lawyer . And please don’t stay for the kids n. It will be hard but seeing you both happy will Make it easier . A lawyer will go over division of assets if child support if alimony and give him 50/50 with kids , and you won’t believe it but his week will them will be so enjoyable , yes miss them but younwill look forward to it somewhat . But get a custody agreement in writing with everything from holidays to school to sports fees camp university etc everything
I've been thinking of this, and we've had discussions. My kids still need their father. We don't need to be together for that. He already knows what I want in a divorce. I'll put it in writing when we're ready.
Perfect but see a lawyer cause there are things you will forget and lawyers know what court will Enforce
Your urges are not his problem and he doesn’t care how you deal with them? Find a divorce lawyer now….do not pass go….Do it and get rid of the lying asshole
It really seems that the poll is going for a divorce the most.
Why do you want to stay married? Forget about, "But I love him" or "he's a great father." What does he do specifically that makes you want to stay married? 1. Therapy 2. Only he can answer this and I doubt you'll ever get the truth. My best guess is that he was also lying to himself. 3. Therapy. Maybe some books. 4. Based on what info you've provided, I don't see this as a viable or sustainable option. 5. You didn't. You fell in love. Therapy will help you understand that none of this was your fault. 6. Lesson learned. The older I get, the more I realize "jokes" have some - however small - truth to them .
I'm in therapy and have been open about this. Maybe I should stop rambling, and let him speak for once. I'm on the right path with that, so I just need to figure out how this is supposed to go. I'll get there. As far as an open marriage, I'm thinking twice about even wanting that because people are right. It's not a good idea, and it'll probably cause more damage. When I do start dating again, those boundaries I listed will be in place anyway. I've never let any of my kids meet who I was with unless it was a serious relationship, or that fwb was already a close friend. I don't trust people.
I don’t see how you love him, are even considering staying or even like him. He sounds absolutely terrible. If you have been unhappy for some time and he has been trying to crazy-make you for something HE initiated… hell no.
Yeah, now I'm starting to get embarrassed when I admit that I actually love him. It just hasn't been enough for a while.
It would be different if he realized throughout the marriage that he was actually asexual and shared jt with you, but to always know and enter into a marriage knowing, then try to gaslight… and he’s doubling down. Thats unforgivable. It’s your life and you can obviously do as you please, but if it were me… there is no.
You think he's gaslighting?
I’d get a boyfriend or a FWB…
If I continued this marriage, I wouldn't continue without that compromise. He'd have to agree or lose me at this point. I still don't want anyone else, but I can't live like this either. I just wish he gave me that serious conversation at the beginning. I've been upfront about things that might seem embarrassing, but if my partner needs to know something, I will make sure they know.
Intimacy in a relationship is more than just sex. If you can't even touch him, opening the marriage is just delaying the divorce until you either find someone new or one of you can't handle it anymore. If you are a monogamous person, opening the marriage won't work. You will inevitably develop feelings for either one of your partners or end up with an emotional affair with someone in your orbit. If you value sex as a way to bring you closer to your partner, something that helps create connection and Intimacy in your relationship, or if you are someone who thinks feelings make sex better, this solution is not for you. Sure, you can go have some fun, feel desirable again, maybe have some good orgasims, but casual sex will never replace the Intimacy that most monogamous people need in a relationship. I am not knocking open relationships or people that have casual sex. It works for some people and that's fantastic. But the impression I get from your post is that you will not be one of the people that this ultimately works for. I could be wrong, but please think long and hard about what you want from a sexual relationship and how you would encourage Intimacy with your husband if you stayed. Please don't open the marriage only to divorce a year later after he is now claiming you cheated on him and that is exactly what it will look like to anyone you don't give the full story to. It's not worth it.
1. You get a divorce. You deserve more than just an open relationship with this guy, you deserve the shot at a real realtionship with someone you can be intimate with. This man is now just a coparent to you. 2. Admitting you are asexual is terrifying and honestly weird, plus if he wanted kids that adds a whole other layer to it. I'm not saying what he did was right becuas it 100% was not, but I do see how the "lie" could get out of hand on accident. If he was okay with fucking for your sake in the past it might not have even seemed like a lie to him at the time, it just turned out that he couldn't keep it up. 3. Girl idk, I think you have to just give up on psycho analyzing this and leave. Do your best not to vilify him to the kids if he is still a good father. 4. You don't want that. You are already unhappy in this marriage. Adding more loveless sex to your life is not the solution. I promise you still have plenty of time to meet someone else who can be romantic and sexual. 5. I can only speak to the details of this post, but it sounds like no where. "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose" -Captain Jean Luc Picard 6. It doesn't matter. If he can't even have a serious conversation about your marriage and sex life at this point then he isn't worth staying with. I've been in an open relationship before and it only works if you actually love the person you are with, otherwise it's just a pit stop on the way to break up. Open relationships are very complicated and if others in your social circle find out it will cause even more problems for you both.
I understand your answer for #2. I am bisexual, and I still can't come out to some of my family members. I just wish he had trusted me with this. I am open to friendships with almost any kind of person. Goodness, the only good uncle my kids have is a biological female. For #6, I've been in open relationships before too, but I knew they were only temporary. I've never tried it with someone I love before though. I'm thinking option #3 is probably the best way to go. I don't even want to make him the bad guy to our kids. He does love them, and they love him. I can't tear them apart, and I want him to keep being there for them no matter what we go through.
Wow. You deserve so much better. I’m heartbroken and so angry for you. I would leave him and not invest another ten years. You can have a new relationship that is much more fulfilling emotionally and physically, without years of casual sex with strangers, insecurity, feeling like you are not enough, resentment, and mental mind games. Get a therapist to work individually with you on processing everything and work on an exit plan. Don’t tell him about any decisions you are making. Work it through for yourself first. Sending big hugs your way.
Awww thank you. I am in therapy and will definitely bring this up. My husband still doesn't see why I'm so angry and hurt. He honestly thinks I should just conform to his lifestyle and be ok. I told him. "You're the asexual one. Not me. Why are you trying to make me live a life I don't want or be something I'm not? Didn't you fall in love with me for me?" And I just found all of my answers. He wasn't very nice about it.
Apart from his asexual identity... Why would you stay with someone who lied (by omission). He dragged you with him and stole from you ten years of the time you could have spend with someone who desired you. I would divorce his semfish ass, asap. Good luck OP.
Thank you. A divorce is the way I'm going.
Break up with him.
Get a divorce lawyer. Start moving toward divorce. I don't think an open marriage is going to be the solution given how much anger and hurt there is here. It's also often not possible to maintain a boundary of "not getting emotionally involved with someone," especially when the primary relationship is rocky. Feelings happen. I don't think the two of you have a good foundation for functional polyamory, and I think if you try to have an open marriage, you're going to fall in love with someone who enthusiastically wants sex with you, and have a much messier divorce. Just pull the plug on this now and go.
I think you're right about this.
Divorce him and move on. Open relationships are toxic swill. The boundaries are not sustainable you and could fall for the first man you date. It is not reasonable. Don't involve your children in this. Go to an attorney and divorce, and move on. Just learn to parent together.
There is way too much turmoil built up around his dishonesty. You say option 2 and 3 are viable options, but is staying married to him realistic? He can't fully offer you sexual OR emotional compatibility and fulfillment. You do deserve that. It's not his fault he can't offer that to you. It is his fault that he didn't tell you and ESPECIALLY his fault for acting like a giant dickhead to you about it. I'd say you should mentally be preparing yourself for divorce. Maybe the open relationship thing works out. Maybe give it a try. I don't see it as a long-term solution though. You're not being fair to yourself to just limit yourself to NSA men and FWB's.
A divorce is looking like the most likely scenario. I'm just going to hope that he finds someone who he can treat better and be more compatible with. I hope he finds someone who can make him happier. He's also not the one for me either. It sucks. It didn't have to be this way. We had a chance to still stay friends. I don't know what's worse: thinking I was no longer attractive to him and him hating my guts for it, or finding out 10 years was a lie
You have all rights to be bitter about this. I certainly would be. As much as it pains me to say this, maybe give him the chance to explain himself a little better. At some point when you don't feel so raw about it. It may actually help you to feel some better. I sort of see a parallel with the men who are gay, know they're gay and still marry a woman and have kids, only one day to come out as gay and the whole house of cards falls. It's a challenging world for someone who doesn't traditionally squarely fit in the straight hetero cis male category. I'm only suggesting that there are internal struggles people who are asexual go through that we will never know. I still think he's a prick and you clearly deserve more.
He didn't even have to be a straight man. Just interested in me. I don't care about things like that. My grandparents didn't like me because I chose to be different. They will always love me. I just didn't fit in with their ideas. They don't even know my own status, and I chose to let them die thinking I'm a straight woman. It doesn't bother me. If he had a struggle, he could have opened up about it. He didn't need to be mean about it. I could have helped support him the best I could. That's what married people are supposed to do. Support each other, and that was one way he could have let me do that.
Oh I get it. Please do not take this as me defending him at all. He was needlessly vicious and for what reason? You doing everything in your power to be a supportive spouse? Total garbage. Only saying the internal struggle may have been part of where his venom comes from. It's no excuse, it's not acceptable, it is needlessly cruel. But it may be part of the rationale. Again, to be clear, I have no sympathy for him and I don't think you should either. Investing 10 years of your life to a man who just lied to you and THEN made you feel like shit about yourself is a whole other level of inexcusable. You're right, he's wrong. I'm sorry you went through this and I hope it all works out.
I'm welcoming all perspectives from anyone who thinks they have insight. Whether you're defending him or not is not an issue with me. I want to know what's going on with him.
Give him his freedom, but make sure that he is contractually bound to provide for his kids until they are fully educated and at least able to be independent. As time goes by and assuming he keeps up with his family responsibilities, hopefully you can get over this pain….
You're right. I need to move on. He's an OK father for the kids, but I'm still going to seek sole custody. He will block my number over me asking a question, and with our special needs child, I'd be worried that he'd be in one of those moods if I needed his signature on anything. I'd tear him apart. I already told him that. I deal with 100% of all of the medical, legal, and education stuff. He chose not to be involved in that. There's no way that I can stop him from being involved, and he never did any of it. He doesn't treat the kids this way. I know that. We've had some disagreements about things because we're going to, but he's pretty good with the kids. They all love each other, so I'm just going to have to work with him on all of that. He said that if I draw child support, that it would be all of the support I would get. He wouldn't give extra. Well, I don't have any access to the finances, so it seems like a better option anyway. I could trust him with the kids. I don't think he's going to do anything towards them to get back at me. Everything seems directed towards me anyway. He doesn't pull all of this on them, at least. He just really acts like he hates me. I've been thinking about this for a while. I've got a few things to take care of so that I can prepare to go.
You didn’t do anything wrong he is in the wrong and he knows it just divorce him your be happier
Option #3! Get out of there! He doesn't get to be MEAN to you because he's feeling things about coming out of the asexual closet! You've been a single mum before - you can do it again! Think of the FREEDOM! <3 YOU GOT THIS!
He's a manipulative, gaslighting pos. You need divorce, therapy, and a fresh start.
Take it from someone in an open marriage, this is not the option you want. You need to feel that love and sexual closeness with someone, as well as sexual gratification. This man lied to you and made you feel unwanted with zero explanation for a decade. Open marriages require trust, love, respect, and fully communicated boundaries. Having sex with a man who is not your husband will likely magnify the feelings of sadness you already have. Walk away from this and find a man who will love and want you in the same way.
1. Go find a boyfriend. 2. Maybe he needed a wife due to pressure from his family. 3. Search his phone and look up his porn history. 4. Was not bringing your side D around the kids one of the boundaries? 5. You didn't discuss this 8-10 years ago. 6. If he's full of shit like that, just start ignoring his words and only go by his actions.
For #2, I've received multiple scenarios, and the best I can figure is that I was only useful in giving him a son, although that son is special needs. He's been mad that I got sterilized. I got sterilized because I don't want any more kids. My children are everything, but I don't want to be stuck raising any more kids by myself
As a guy who knows what it feels like to be addicted to pron... I would be willing to bet good money that's the real issue here. It's difficult to have any libido when you're cranking the hog to some chick who's over the top attractive or jerkin the gherkin to the newest Bangbros episode every chance you get. Just my $2, but it's worth having that conversation with him. Maybe you could show him the "EasyPeasy" method that Reddit champions and see if he's willing to do anything more than "jerk off and play video games": https://www.reddit.com/r/VeraciousReality/comments/vk4ksj/what_is_the_easypeasy_method_and_why_i_keep/
That's what he says he likes most. I've caught him sneaking pictures of me on the past, and since he's not open about that, I did make me uneasy. I chose to ignore it because that's all he did there. It's just pictures I felt uneasy about. I don't think he's sharing them. I think they're just for him.