Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"Your sister told me you named our daughter after your first love. This has left me feeling really shitty about our relationship. Can you please explain why you did that?"
It’s a bit weird, but acceptably so, to name your baby after your childhood best friend. It is much more creepy when you don’t tell your partner who the baby is named after. And when it’s your high school sweetheart, then it’s very much not on.
I think there are only 6 different male names in my whole family tree, I swear. Maybe 10-12 female ones. We are very fond of certain saints apparently.
Some European countries have or have had previously a list of names you are required to choose from when naming a child. From my understanding it's a holdover from the Soviet union controlling them.
Many countries in the world have laws defining what are legal or illegal names (including lists of allowed names) and it has little to do with Soviet Union (e.g. Denmark, Iceland, Portugal or France until 1990s have or has lists of approved names).
My boyfriend is from an ex-Soviet state, and he said the tradition of naming came from “Name day”. It seems like name day is a largely Christian/baptismal tradition that spreads across many countries, and most names on the list are from saints (as is my boyfriends).
This seems to have very little to do with the Soviet Union, and seems almost antithetical to it. You can’t blame the soviets for everything…
The SIL is totally a pot stirrer. Who tells their brother’s wife that her husband’s parents would have preferred he married his ex over her? OP should definitely say something to her husband but I would take the SIL words with caution.
Ugh. Pretty much everybody in my dad's family was clear they preferred his first wife. We don't really have a relationship with them outside of Facebook as a result.
Even if it's a common name, if a partner and I were discussing names, and *they* offered a name of one of my exes, I'd feel off about it and say that. I wouldn't veto the name if they were a common ex, but I expect that most people would react the name upon my mentioning that I had an ex with that name.
There is one woman that I was obsessed with for a few years. Heck, we weren't even dating ever. I would need to veto that name because I think that there would always be that association. I still have a thought of her whenever I hear her name, and I haven't seen her in more than 25 years.
yeah! I actually had a name for a daughter that I fell in love with as a teen. I wanted to change my own name and my father said no, you give that name to your own daughter. So I let the kids' father choose our son's name (although I did veto one name which would come across as really pretentious in English)
I know several Italian Anna’s so it’s a common name there. It was the name of a Roman Empress, several queens, famous actresses and scientists. The choice of name doesn’t necessarily mean he’s honoring his ex.
Even if it was it’s weird. My ex was John and I have a friend named John and an uncle named John and my boyfriend’s best friend is John. Sure it’s a popular name but if I suggested if we have a son I get to name him I would NOT pick John. Even if I was like I have such a close relationship with my uncle named John I would still imagine my ex as John too. Nope nope.
I agree, I feel we should give him the benefit of the doubt, specially if it is a common name
While I feel this whole agreement on choosing the names without the other's input is weird
I myself was named after the younger sister of my dad's ex girlfriend. It is a really uncommon name, but both my parents really liked it and it was agreed on. It wasn't a case of them wanting to honour her in any way, they just really liked her really uncommon name, but people do find it odd when they know the origin of my name
Sometimes we just know people that have names we like. And hey, if he liked a common name that is also shared with an ex, that doesn't sound too bad, doesn't even sound like something that worth mentioning. If it's a very specific and uncommon name though, well, weird
>“And then I saw, you still talk to said girlfriend? Do you even respect our marriage?”
That could come across really aggressive and is guaranteed to start a fight though. He can speak to his ex and still respect their marriage I would assume.
Maybe try "And then I saw, you still talk to said girlfriend. Do I have anything to worry about?”
There’s several problematic things in this post.
A sister who is rude to you coming for a visit. He should have your back in regards to his family. This behavior shouldn’t keep going unchecked.
A daughter named after an ex-gf.
However, honestly, the most egregious detail in the post to me is the fact that he has never cut off contact with a very serious ex-gf. They’ve been communicating multiple times a week for the entirety of your relationship and he’s kept you totally in the dark about it. It’s a lie of omission. It’s also incredibly disrespectful to you, as his wife.
Not only has he kept his interaction with her hidden, he has also kept her entire existence in his life hidden. You are married to him. You have birthed his child. Yet you didn’t even know that he had a long term relationship with a girl named Ana.
Former relationships where there was deep connection tend to come up in conversations at some point. Maybe once a new dating relationship gets serious. Maybe once a proposal has taken place. Maybe in the newlywed dynamic where a lot is being shared.
Yet he never mentioned her to you. Ever. You would have never known of her existence had the sister not brought it up.
There’s reasons he’s never mentioned this very significant detail about his life. He knows it wrong but he doesn’t want to stop. He wants to maintain an emotional connection with her. Meaning this is an emotional affair. He knew you wouldn’t like it and could potentially give him an ultimatum. A scenario he would like to avoid because he’s not willing to give her up which means he would have to leave you. Divorce is not a fun picnic in the park so he’s not ready for all of that drama.
If you want to avoid mentioning that you checked his phone, at least for the time being, simply mention what your SIL said to you.
Tell him she has told you that Ana was an ex-girlfriend’s name. Tell him she also mentioned the two of them were once very seriously dating. Ask if him that’s true.
It’s going to be hard for him to deny this without calling his sister a liar so he’ll probably confess. When that happens tell him you have two questions that you really need him to take seriously and answer honestly.
First ask,“Do you still have feelings for this person?”
Second ask, “Have you been in contact with this person since our marriage?”
If he denies speaking to her since he married you that is evidence of an outright lie. People don’t tend to lie about things of no consequence. If he lies to your face while answering a question about her that will be very revealing.
This is the conversation to be had. It IS confrontational in the most respectable way possible. Regardless of how this conversation goes, the disrespectful, troublemaking SIL needs to be addressed.
This is what I think for the most part. He's obviously still in love and hid it. So far we only know they broke up cause he emigrated. Meaning there were no real problems in the relationship. Maybe they're realist and know that damn near every long distance relationship fails. Goin on this assumption if he ever goes back... Well... We all know where that may lead.
Op though really needs to put her big girl pants on and bring this up. Personally I'd demand that all contact is cut at a minimum. Exes are a huge boundary for me. I also cut contact with anyone I've slept with.
Agreed. Completely cutting contact would be an ultimatum if I were having this conversation. I would need to be present in the room when he wrote the final message. I wouldn’t just assume it was done. Open device policy would also be in effect.
I’d want to change my child’s name. Because every time he calls his daughter’s name he’s thinking of the ex. I couldn’t live with that, pretty name or not.
Yeah, this is wild. I still occasionally talk to my ex boyfriend from high school (maybe every few months though, not multiple times a week), but my fiance knows this, knows about him, is fine with it, etc. If you're so close with someone that you text them multiple times a week I can't imagine not mentioning them to your SO unless something nefarious is happening
It would be worth looking more into the translations but this almost sounds like a passport marriage, and Ana will be his next one (after the immigration then subsequent divorce…)
An emotional affair involving chit chat and memes twice a week to someone you heard about from someone else who hates you. I've rarely heard of such passionate deceit and it's bound to be true.
Everything you said here!
It’s the
Lying.. for so so long
He is not who OP thought he was
This would be a dealbreaker
Especially w the naming of your daughter
After a woman he loves behind your back
O.P. I hope you read all of what the first commenter posted.
Ask yourself how you can continue living like this? Is this how you want your life? I highly doubt it. Ya know, he has lied for sooo long, and hid it from you. His relationship with her is going to continue no matter what you say, think, or feel. Hugs to you 🫂
What do you mean you have no reason to complain to him? He named your child after an ex he still talks to, that he never told you about. Weird thing not to mention at some point on his end, almost like it was intentional. Why would he think that it was okay.
Maybe bring up naming a boy after an ex of yours and see how that would go down.
Exactly, she knew the name was just asking about the specifics about it. These people are having a hard time with reading comprehension and making assumptions that don’t make much sense after it.
Ask your husband why he chose that name and if it has anything to do with his ex.
It could be a lot more innocent than you or even your SIL think. For instance I come from Italy and here pretty much everyone goes with the same 15-20 names for each gender. It is almost guaranteed that if you choose a traditional name, you know or knew someone who shares the same one.
Honestly... I think your husband did wrong only in never mentioning her, or the fact he's still in contact.
What I think is very wrong and something you should put your foot down for is your SIL coming to your house and disrespecting you in such a way. She told you, a new mom, "his parents like you less" for what? Being a drama queen doesnt justify disrespect.
Why not talk to your husband and say “hey, SIL told me you had a long-term ex named “Anna”. I feel a little weird about that, and was hoping we could talk about it”.
Hear him out. He might say “oh, I always loved that name, it was my great aunt’s name, etc”
Sounds like SIL is stirring up drama. He chose you.
People are too easy to reply with unfortunate points. If you guys have a specific "agreement" about having your own social life, he would probably bring that up if you became upset by this.
Just be honest with him and, most importantly, yourself. Fucked up things happen in a marriage / relationships all the time and for those who don't know everything, it's too easy to say "omg get a divorce, he's a lying bastard...etc"
If you think he's lying, bring it up. Tell him what you think. Maybe approach this at a time where you are feeling most like yourself (hormones wise), if possible. I'm not saying he's 100% innocent in this, but sometimes boundaries can be misunderstood in a relationship, and someone like him feels that this is a part of his life he gets to keep private. How do you feel? Have you guys clarified? Maybe now is the time to agree on set boundaries.
Good luck, OP. this may not be the right time to say, but congratulations on your little one. Cheers to good health for you and your family
Does his maternal grandmother have this name?
I think he should have mentioned that he was in contact with his ex just for openness sake. On the other sidd, if he genuinely otherwise is a good, trusthworthy partner, and his sister doesnt like you, she might just be trying to stir things up. Her telling you that his family, that you've met once, would prefer that he was with his ex, could just be her projecting her dislike onto you and stirring up distrust.
Okay, well if you trust that he’s being honest, then that seems like a reasonable explanation. If you’re uncomfortable with him being in such regular communication with her, you should say so and ask him to cut back. It could be that his sister is just trying to stir up trouble, which you should absolutely discuss with him too. I hope it really is nothing and you can trust he’s being honest with you.
I like keeping in contact with my exes. I don’t cross boundaries and I don’t flirt (or tolerate boundary crossing from them). I would never get into a serious relationship without explicitly spelling that out to my partner. It’s a deal breaker for a lot of folks, and they deserve to know about potential deal breakers.
It matters that he didn’t mention this to you. It was a big deal before he named your daughter over an ex that he is in regular contact with. It’s also a big deal that she’s boundary crossing and he does not seem to care (the job invite is…. Yikes). He doesn’t seem to care about his family’s boundary crossing any more than he does hers.
You deserved better than this. If you want to work on the relationship, I’d suggest a councilor and some setting some strong boundaries with yourself about what treatment you walk away from.
She is still working in Russia (a sanctioned country?) most international companies have closed their offices there she might be looking to get out. Poaching him sounds like an excuse to get back in touch with him I think ..
Since he’s confessed that he talks to her you don’t have to mention that you’ve looked in his messages, if it still makes you uncomfortable to say that.
I, personally, would tell him it makes you uncomfortable to know he’s having that much communication with an ex girl friend. That he’s never told you about. I would share my expectation for communication to end. There’s no way I would live with this hanging over my head in my day to day life.
There’s still two things that still stand out to me. 1. He’s never mentioned this person to you before. You would have not known she is existed if his sister had not mentioned her. 2. He has had ongoing communication with her for years. Without telling you.
If I were having a conversation with him I would be straight forward and say both of those things are very troubling.
Everyone has to decide what they are willing to live with for themselves. You get to make the choice about what happens next. I can only share how I would react. I wouldn’t put up with something like this if it truly bothered me. He’s your husband. You should feel safe with him in every way. Physically. Sexually. Emotionally.
If you’re harboring troubling doubts about anything because of his actions then you are not safe with him emotionally.
From the details you shared here it appears they did not have contact for several years. The contact resumed after she reached out to him while he was in his Master’s program. How is it that he was able to manage just fine without her checking in several times a week for several years? Yet now he has to hear from her? That little detail feels really odd to me.
If he could go without hearing from her before he can manage without it now.
Why has her safety become such a concern to him? Since they, supposedly, reconnected many years after they were in a relationship together.
What’s he going to do if he doesn’t hear from her? Is he her appointed rescuer? Is he going to set his family aside and run to make sure she’s okay? Are you and the baby expendable if he thinks she needs him more?
He’s not her person. She can check in with someone else. They can be responsible for making sure she’s okay.
He is YOUR person. He should be much more concerned with making sure you’re okay. Especially given you just gave birth to his child and are managing all of the emotions that come with that. You should be his priority.
Personally, I think it’s very telling that you went to his social media and his private messages first. Before going to him and asking him about what his sister said. There’s some part of you that didn’t trust that straightforward approach.
You are now hiding something from him.
Then we’ve got him over here keeping an entire ex-girlfriend a secret from you. Then keeping all of his ongoing communication with her private as well.
He’s been hiding things from you.
There’s no denying that his secrets are much more complex than yours but secrets are secrets. I think you both need to agree to some couple’s therapy. There’s something fundamentally flawed here.
Someone else asked a question in a comment that I thought was worthy of attention. Has he travelled to his home country without you? I think it’s definitely worth asking if he’s seen her on trips home.
Has he travelled to Russia? If so, did he see her on those trips? More questions worth asking. The fact that he’s kept her a secret calls every single thing about him and her into question.
Not at all weird. You don't just quit caring about someone because you are no longer together. Perhaps their relationship was always more friendship based than romantic. I named a son after an ex-boyfriend who I am still in contact with. He's a good guy, we just weren't right for each other. My husband liked the name as well, so he was okay with it.
I would tell him that you dont appreciate him not being up front about the orgin of your daughters name and it was disrespectful of him to not give you the heads up in light of his sisters comments. She was rude and disrespectful and tried to embarrass you. It was made worse by the fact you didn't know.
I'd also ask if he is still in contact with her and see if he is honest.
I'm sure he'd have feelings about you naming your son after a past lover.
“Your sister was pretty nasty to to me, she told me that you named our daughter after your first love and that your parents would have preferred this first love to me. I am trying to navigate my feelings about this and would like you to explain why you did this to help me understand?”
Your story seems odd.
This man is supposed to love you more than life itself and he allows his own sister to verbally berate you and be mean?
And after you met his sister the first time and she was nasty, you didn’t ban her from ever visiting again?
How do people go through life like this?
I once had a cousin make a snide remark to wife, and that very day he was banned from my house and I made it clear to my close family if anyone hung out with him, they would be banned to. No one tested me and hasn’t since.
This right here. Yes, there is an issue with the ex but HIS sister is bringing trouble to their home. This won't be the last time.
OP has enough drama queens in her family and she's allowing another one to fester in this family of she's not checked right here.
Seems odd to even tolerate her bs one time, but I guess every three years is fine.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even be me annoyed at her.
I’m more annoyed that the man who loves you allows it.
Ok did you put your family members in check if they were actually “mean” to him? Or are you just trying to be like “well my family did this so his family can do this it’s only fair” absolutely not. He can put his sister in her place or she can stop coming. It’s that simple.
I couldn’t live with that, especially if they are still in contact and he’s keeping her secret from you. His family knows exactly why he chose that name. Every time his family is around they’re going to give each other knowing glances and smirks. It sounds as though your child is still very young. Any chance you can legally change her name? If husband asks why you can tell him there’s only room in his life for 1 Anna so he can either go no contact with the woman who has such a large presence in his heart that he named his child for her, or he can sign off on a legal name change
So I can guarantee his sister will tell him she told you. Then he married you when he clearly is not over his ex, the ex that his family and his sister adored, and then he chats with ex throughout the week, and then names your first born child after her. What is there not to understand, it’s crystal clear. You’re the stand in because he couldn’t have her for whatever reason. In this case divorce is the option as he’s not going to change her name, he didn’t tell you where the name came from because he knew you’d be against it. His family probably doesn’t even like you. I’m very sorry but you won’t get any real answers from him and he will just gaslight you to accept this crap and you will. I can tell. Good Luck.
Do some of you people thrive on drama and look for the worst in every situation? Nothing is “crystal clear” and you can’t come to that conclusion based on a few paragraphs from a ten year relationship. It must be exhausting jumping through this many hoops.
If you have a strong marriage then you should be able to talk to each other about pretty much anything and everything.
So you should be able to ask him if he named your daughter after his high school gf, without starting world war three. If he asks you why you’re asking you can honestly reply that his sister told you.
And again if he confirms it you should be able to tell him how that’s made you feel without feeling guilty for doing so. And you could even ask him what his relationship with her is now - again a perfectly logical question to ask.
Hopefully he will respond in a measured way and explain why he chose that name and acknowledge that with the benefit of hindsight it may not have been the best choice.
Of course if he reacts belligerently or denies everything, then you have bigger problems in your marriage than what your daughter’s name is.
You tell him what SIL told you, you ask if he’s still in contact with her, if he’s honest then say “you have this ex that you chose our daughters name and still talk with her but never told me about nor did you tell me you’re still in contact with, you’ve betrayed my trust in you.” If he lies about talking to her ask to see his phone right there. Either way, you’re obviously upset about this- understandably- and HE needs to work towards repairing that trust. But if I were you? His ass would be gone. This is pretty serious.
So they never really even had a falling out? He was with her for the majority of his formative years and left on a good note and is still talking to her? I’d freak out over that alone. And then naming your child after her? The disrespect is unacceptable. I’m angry for you. Learn what self respect looks like. These are not the actions of a good husband
Why would you freak out? A teenage romance that ended 10 years ago? Please. Has he been contacting her, or had she been contacting him? Were the conversations romantic in nature, or more business and friendly? And honestly, men tend to compartmentalize things, and it may have never occurred to him to mention it to his wife.
There is one simple way to find out if there’s something fishy going on or not. And you need to try this before he understands that something has upset you. Ask him if he is in contact with his ex and see if he lies. Lying in one thing means possible lying about a lot of things. Decide from that point how you want to approach it.
I personally would not give my baby the same name as a significant ex. Even if I really liked the name or it was really common or whatever. That would feel uncomfortable and disrespectful to my partner. Kinda weird to me that he did that.
It’s not drastic to expect your spouse to tell you about an ex when they are still in contact, especially one you knew nothing about! It is also not drastic to expect your spouse to not name your child after said ex! There might be few names people rotate from certain parts of the world but out of respect for their spouse you don’t choose one for your child that’s the same of a longtime ex!🤦♀️
It’s a little disturbing you aren’t more upset about the whole situation. Then there’s his very disrespectful sister. I would hope he wouldn’t allow a family member to in your home that didn’t show you respect.
In a way it sounds like your husband has a completely different side to his life he doesn’t share with you. That’s not marriage.
I’m with everyone else, I’d change her name. And I would tell him what his sister said about his ex and your baby’s name which made you feel the need to go through his phone. Turns out you were right to look.
I don’t think you should jump to divorce but transparency in a marriage is vital especially when it comes to something like this! Do you want your daughter growing up knowing she shares the name of her father’s ex because that’s what his family will probably tell her! So creepy!
I mean if he is a good enough partner to you that this doesn’t bother you than keep it up queen.
It’s weird behaviour but just because it’s weird doesn’t mean it has to bother you!
Foul play is naming your baby after his ex, that he is still in contact with. He may also still love her but migrated to where you are. I would ask some questions.
Talk with your husband, ask him why he chose that name, but don’t jump to conclusions. I think most people have fond memories of their first relationship when they were a teenager, and remain friends, but it doesn’t mean they are still in love with them.
I have a friend who is named after her dad’s “first love”. Her parents are no longer together, and although she has a beautiful name she hates it bc of its association and how much it hurts her mother.
“You’ve agreed to give each other enough space to have your own social circles.”
Whose idea was this? If it was his, he did so to hide his emotional affair he’s been having all along.
So…I’m going to present you a hypothetical. I grew up with a girl named “Jenny”. Our parents even worked together for a time. When we were in our early teens, as kids do, we fooled around, and even dated a couple of times between 14 and 22.
Her is the hypothetical part: let’s say Jenny and I aren’t as close as we once were, even as friends (this is true). She’s married, with a kid of her own, and the extent of our communication is via FB updates and the occasional message.
If I wanted to name my kid Jenny, which is a very common name where I come from…why not? Would we think twice about using the name of any other childhood friend?
Just because someone else said she was the love of his life or something doesn’t make it so. Lots of people thought Jen and I were destined to be together, and we knew by 18 it wasn’t so.
If that part is where the problem lies, talk to him. Otherwise, just focus on the fact it’s a common name from his country he has some sentimentality to from his youth
You could ask him where he got the name from and if he tells you something different you could mention that his sister told you this. The sis could also be trying to cause problems too
He’s having an emotional affair. He’s clearly not over her, especially hiding all of this from you.
You need to face facts. Your comments are you just trying to gaslight yourself into believing a false reality.
Why would you rather ignore everything than just talk to him about how uncomfortable all of this makes you? No, you don’t want your marriage to end. Fine, but if you both don’t attempt to fix this, will you really be happy in this relationship?
Sit down with him. Tell him you know about his ex and that he needs to stop talkin to her. That he’s having an emotional affair and that naming your child after her is making you question whether he wants to be with you. He’s wrong for lying and hiding this from you. That you both need to go to counseling if he wants to stay with you— it’s non negotiable.
also the whole “if it’s a girl I’ll name her a traditional name from my country” is bs from the start - it sounds like it was planned on his behalf! Why didn’t he pick a boy and why the “traditional” name he chose was a common name that has no link to any tradition it’s just simple and nice and easy. And I’m telling you this as a south and eastern European - Anna is a popular name in most places , it’s not like he called her something that reminds him of his home country specifically.
If it’s a name like Anna - a common name try and look past it for your own mental health.
Secondly I would wonder why he’s still talking to her. That would feel like cheating to me. I know they can still be friends but the fact that you didn’t know about it before feels dishonest.
My father agreed on a name with my mother, then she gave birth to me and while she was recovering at the hospital my dad went on to register me and he named me his ex-gf name while the name they had agreed on became my middle name.
My mother was livid when she found out what happened, apparently she knew her and never really liked her, I guess my father kept seeing her even after he was with my mom.
So anyway, my name became this big dramatic thing in my life because my mother refused to call me by my first name (even today, almost 40 years later, she still refuses to do so. She NEVER called me by my first name. It was very confusing for me as a kid.
Funny is that, in the end, even my father calls me by my middle name lol
My mom and dad ended up divorcing (almost 15 years later) but my mom said she never really forgave him for this.
I don't believe in knee-jerk "divorce immediately" type advice but you've been so immersed in a culture (whichever it is) that is inherently sexist you're willing to tolerate things that are wholly unacceptable to keep your husband and that sets a precedence for how you're treated for the entirety of your relationship.
I'm not blaming you for what he's done, but if you choose to let it slide, that's a choice and the consequences are for the rest of the time he's with you, it's going to eat at you and erode things for you knowing full well he's still talking to her while he gets to live every day in peace getting all the things he wants.
At minimum he's been having emotional affair with his high school sweetheart for some time, and [unbeknownst to you at the time] he's named his own daughter after her. She's so intertwined in his thoughts and emotions that a daughter from someone else got her name. That's pretty significant.
His sister is petty, conniving and a horrible person 🤷🏻♀️. She enjoyed whatever perceived reaction she got from you when she revealed that info that she probably had been waiting on (she knew your daughter's name before she got there, please). I would limit the number of future visits from her to 0.
You have to have some level of self respect and care for how all that makes you feel. It's not enough he has helped with the dishes or been an active parent. Behind your back he gets to feel connected to someone he very clearly has deep feelings for...
I'm really sorry, because I know you don't want the massive disruption in your life it may cause, but I really think you can't keep quiet about this. This is the type of thing that will eat and eat at you, and you are already afraid it will come up next time you argue. At which point it will explode and you will be blamed. You're already blaming yourself, for snooping, so it will make it reaaaaaal easy for him to blame you too, especially in the middle of an argument.
You have to tell him what his sister said. Leave what you saw out of it at first, to see what he says. Does he come clean, or does he try to lie to you (more)?
The fact that even before you were trying for a baby he already knew that we wanted his baby girl to have the same name as his ex rings alarm bells for me.
The SIL was overtly disrespectful and took enjoyment in disclosing this "secret" to you.
Your husband has been talking to his ex for the duration of your relationship MULTIPLE times per week.
I understand people wanting to stay in touch with an ex if the relationship ended amicably, but this level of contact would make me uncomfortable. I'd go so far to say this is an emotional affair.
As others have suggested, I would question him about her following what your SIL had said and go from there.
They may not be physically intimate, but if I found out my partner named my child after his ex and had been speaking with her several times a week throughout our entire relationship, I'd feel almost a similar level of betrayal.
I would be unhappy about this. Your husband should have told you about the name. Also, I would be unhappy about my husband texting his ex 3 times a week. I have plenty of long distance close friends and we are not texting 3 times a week.
I find it odd that as a man, he wanted “full discretion” for choosing a daughters name instead of choosing his sons name. Sounds like he was always determined to honor his ex in that way no matter who he ended up having babies with.
First of all I think you're being played by the sister-in-law and she's twisting things around planting seeds in your mind. And even if she is named after that girl it doesn't sound like your husband was some ravenous Playboy and you have to remember that at 14 What drew them together with something far more innocent than the sister-in-law is insinuating. She's also speaking for other people out of turn and she's intentionally saying things to hurt you.. and remember that his high school sweetheart play the big part informing him into the man that you chose to marry and somebody that had a big influence on your husband's personality is somebody that is worthy of being remembered. Pretty much go the opposite way 180° polar opposite of what your sister-in-law is trying hurt you with because you should actually be grateful that he was with that high school sweetheart otherwise he wouldn't be the man that he is today
I don't really see the point in giving you advice because if your husband isn't gaslighting you, you're gaslighting yourself.
However, at the very least, change your daughter's name. If you do decide to stay and not do anything about this situation and your husband's clear emotional infidelity…get a therapist.
If you like the name anyway (like you said) why even worry about it. You said the conversation that you translated didn’t show anything but regular conversation. I would just try to get past your feelings about it and also maybe you will have a boy and you can name him after your old high school crush.
Cool. You like your child’s name. I’m happy that you can accept that it’s her name now.
But he chose that name. Without telling you the history. And your SIL got joy out of telling you that.
Girl. Leave him. You will never be the one he actually wants.
I’ve read some of your replies, and I’m really confused why you don’t feel as though you can ask your husband about what his sister says. He doesn’t have to know you looked in his phone. She’s given you all the information you need to bring up the subject and ask him if he still has feelings for her. I know she is 6000 miles away, but with social media, she’s a lot closer than you think. She’s in his home country and his family loves her. An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical one. Only if he leaves you for her, your child will have a father living 6000 miles away. If I were you I’d be wondering what else he doesn’t tell you. This is a bigger issue than a name. Talk to your husband, get marriage counseling, and stand up for yourself when his sister is acting like a beast. Remind her she is in your home and if she can’t remember her manners, she doesn’t need to visit.
Oh and I’d also get ahold of that phone once more and try to go back to the time frame, maybe a little before when you both agreed who would pick the name.
Rude people are sometimes gifts ironically. You should thank your SIL for telling you exactly who your husband is: a man who would cruelly name your daughter after his old flame THAT HE STILL SPEAKS TO.
The baby is only three months old. Frankly I’d change her name and demand that he stop talking to that woman. If it ends the marriage, so be it. He’s an awful man.
I wouldn't let a troublemaking SIL come between you both.
Yes there is a serious ex named Anna
Yes he chit chats with her but you say it's rather inane
Maybe they managed to remain friends
Just tell your husband what the SIL said and ask questions
This situation is awful. It’s clearly getting to you and I can see you’re trying so hard to force yourself not to care about it. Please know this isn’t your “hormones” and it’s definitely not irrational to feel upset about this. Anyone would feel the same. It’s nice to hear that your husband pulls his weight domestically, but that doesn’t excuse the way he has hidden this all from you.
Whether you remain in contact with exes is something that both parties need to agree on together as a couple. Even if his interactions with her are truly harmless, this is something you deserved to know about early on so you could decide if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone who stays in close contact with their ex. Some people are fine with that but many aren’t. The same goes for giving your child the same name as an ex. Some people genuinely won’t mind it, but it’s respectful to ask. Not only has he not asked you, he has hidden the very existence of this ex from you. Giving each other space for your own social circle is wonderful in a relationship, but this goes far beyond having space and is well and truly in deceitful territory. This might be the only thing he’s hiding from you, but it’s natural to question his honesty at this point.
I worry that if you don’t let yourself bring this up with him, you will end up exploding, which is the very thing you don’t want to do. You aren’t overreacting. You aren’t irrational. Your feelings make perfect sense.
My husband tried that and I said ok but I want to name the second baby to which he agreed. Ya, I said I’m going with Chung or Longlivethe.
I named our first Teddy King, second Trevor King and third Tim King. (True story)
You need to be honest about everything. And couple's counseling.
Finding out he named your child after his ex is more than enough reason to go through his phone. If you are afraid to confront him, then you have bigger problems and need to get out bc it means you aren't safe.
Sounds like they broke up due to circumstances and maybe in their fantasies, if he didn't have to immigrate they would still be together and live out their grand love story.
But it sounds like you're too afraid to face it or face him. He messed up and you're already taking on 80% of the blame. Thats not a partnership. That's you sacrificing your peace of mind for his.
Adress this and air it out.
Wait until the sister leaves, then tell him what his sister said, including his parents ' preference for the former gf.
Tell him you saw his conversations with the X. He never mentioned it/her, so he actively his it from you because HE believes it's wrong.
And if he tries to guilt you for looking into his phone, remember this is DARVO
The only okay thing that came out of this post is you can have access to his phone which could signal that he nothing to hide, especially since his conversations with her haven’t been flirty.
But you need to talk to him. A sister coming all the way to visit you but she never knew the child’s name is odd to me.
Is that name something common in the culture though?
Regardless you two need to talk. You can’t be repeatedly thinking about his ex when you call your daughter.
Sorry but after that my child’s name would not be Anna!
That is so disrespectful, and shows he still harbours feelings towards her.
I would be fuming beyond belief.
You need to confront him ASAP about what his sister said.
This could very well end your marriage. You've now discovered that your husband is deceitful. He's able to carry out huge lies of omission (hiding facts). How will you trust him going forward? How often will your daughter's name remind you of how capable he is of deceit? He's tied your daughter, by name, to his ex-girlfriend without letting you know what he was doing. Without giving you a say in whether that was appropriate or desirable.
Why does he hide things? Because he knows you won't like them. If he can hide an entire relationship can you trust him at all? Will he cheat? Will he lie about finances? The thing about liars is that they tend to lie across many areas of life and you won't know which areas are lies. You will never know.
If he was so wrapped up in his ex that he named a child for her why didn't he go back and marry her? Why didn't he bring her over? Why be stealthy?
His entire family knows that he named a baby after his ex and they all know that you are clueless. It makes you look gullible and naive. His lie of omission has made you look pathetic to his entire family. Who does that to the person they love?
Is this really important? He likes the name. That doesn't mean he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend. She may be married with a husband and family of her own. So tell him what his sister told you and see how he reacts. He just might explain it all away and even tell you that he's still friends with the girl. You don't have to tell him you looked at his phone.
He planned to name your daughter after his lovely ex girlfriend about seven years ago.
Before he even married you, he was planning to name his daughter after her.
I can already see that this is a sham marriage as far as he’s concerned. He asks for permission to name your daughter before you’re married. Then he married you. Had said daughter and named her after the woman he’d likely be with if he hadn’t emigrated. And they are still talking to each other.
None of this would be a big deal if one element of this story was missing. It’s the entirety of it that makes this a sham.
I wouldn’t say anything to him without contacting an attorney first. Don’t let him take your daughter overseas alone either. And be thankful for your sister-in-law. She knows her brother is foul and gave you a heads up
So let me get this straight
You didn't know the name of the woman your husband dated for 7 years (And, given timelines, it sounds like it was pretty much the only relationship he had other than you)
You didn't know that your husband is still talking to this woman multiple time a week ~12years after they broke up.
Before you got married you husband came up with the idea that he would get to decide the name of a child if it was a girl, and by total coincidence it just happens to be the same as this woman...
This seems like a major WTF to me.
OP, I believe you need to bring up what your SIL said to your husband. Do your best to be calm and not reactive. It is going to eat at you until you finally throw it out when you are stressed, sad or angry at him. Just say what the SIL said. SIL is trying to cause trouble and her plan will work if you let this build up inside of you.
Your husband named your child that you birthed and gave him. A child you could have died for to bring him. And he chose to name after his ex girlfriend who he talked to. Behind your back a few times a week…and you ask how to address it without ruining your marriage…?
This is major ICK to me, and also red flag. My husband tried it, I told him I'd divorce him in a fucking heart beat. Naming your kid after a former love interest just tells me they aren't over that LI, and still harbor deep feelings for them. I couldn't see my spouse in the same way if this were to be discovered. You need to address it, because that will always be a bitter spot in your marriage forever if you don't. You might even become detached from your child if that becomes too much.
And oh, his sister damn well knew the baby's name, she just wanted to slip that info in to hurt you. No doubt.
If this is your only problem in life let it go! Focus on a strong family for your baby. It’s ok for people to communicate you don’t own him. This is an issue where there is no win to be had it would just create bad vibes.
SIL has lost her chances to visit. He needs to make that clear to his nasty sister. You do not need to have this person in your home no matter who she is.
Can you ask him for me if y’all have another kid and it’s a boy can you name it after your crush if that’s what you’re doing now. There’s no need to be upset bc he thought it was ok. I bet you he would loose his shit!
You’re not lashing out because of your hormones. Your husband probably told you that’s what you’re doing in order to disregard your thoughts and feelings.
My dad did this. My original middle name was his mistresses first name. My mom had it legally changed when she divorced him after she found out.
This is divorce level betrayal, not to mention so fucking creepy I lack the words. He named your little girl after a woman he was sexually and romantically involved with who he still is in constant contact with behind your back. NOPE.
I would change the baby’s name and I would tell him exactly why. What he did is messed up and kind of creepy. Naming your baby after the ex you wanted to settle down with is something you see a therapist for.
Is he good to you? Does he love you and your daughter and look after you? Does he abuse you? Have you noticed any red flags, secretive talking or texting on his phone? No. The fact that it’s a common name and his grandmother also has it would be enough for me. Don’t go looking for issues where there are none. If you’re really stressing about it ask why he chose that particular name and see what he says. You can mention that his sister thinks he named his daughter after his ex but I think she’s just meddling.
Do not ever let your daughter find out where her name comes from.
I found out that my original name was thanks to my dad's third grade crush. I already didn't like my name to begin with, and that solidified my decision to legally change it when I can.
Ehm...OP stop trying to gaslight yourself. You should absolutely be upset about this. Confront his ass and ask him why did it. There's no way he didnt name you daughter after his ex gf, even if comes up with "it's common name and I liked it". You are disrespected by his sister and your husband is okay with this? Hell no! Stand up and let them respect you.
I was named after two of my dads ex girlfriends. I'm fine. But my mom did abandon me and my little sister when I was 4 or 5 so there's that.
But seriously he just liked the names together. What you're comfortable with is up to you to decide though because your situation he actively hid her and communication with her. You know, go with what you know is the right answer, not what you wish it was.
Sorry why are you so calm if it was me I would be upset. I mean he called your child after his ex why would he do that unless there was something more to it and your to scared to rock the boat by asking him.
Uh, you had a kid and didn't send a birth announcement with name to his family? His sister didn't know the name of her niece until she came for a visit? 😳
Depending on the country your husband is from, it might not be too unusual to stay friends with an ex girlfriend. I’m friends with a couple of my exes where it just fizzled out naturally. But our partners have always known about it and they’ve met.
However the red flag for me is that he’s never mentioned her to you, not even as just a friend. That’s very odd and suspicious and makes me think that he still has unresolved feelings for her.
Also naming your child after his ex girlfriend without you knowing that she even exists is a red flag. My daughter has the same name as a crush my ex husband had as a teenager. Nothing ever happened between them and I brought up the name and at first he was reluctant, because he thought it was weird (I didn’t know he’d had a crush on someone with that name). Eventually we did go for that name as we both liked it and it was difficult finding a name that sounded similar in both our languages that wasn’t too unusual or something that she could be bullied with.
I think that you definitely need to talk to your husband and tell him what your SIL told you. See his reaction.
From one of your comments I gather that you don’t have a great reference for what a healthy relationship looks like. I think you should read up on that. I stayed in a toxic relationship too long, because it was normal for me. But my self worth suffered more and more. Everyone deserves a partner they can trust.
Grow a backbone, your husband violated your trust. This is not something simple. Naming your baby after your previous lover? Wtf? The sister is rude to you for no reason also. Your husband and his entire family do not respect you at all
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"Your sister told me you named our daughter after your first love. This has left me feeling really shitty about our relationship. Can you please explain why you did that?"
[удалено]
Yeah that's all she needs to do. Does she even know that is is an ex?
How do we know the sister in law isn't BSing though? Like seriously.
I mean, at the very least it’s a female friend. That would also be EXTREMELY creepy.
It’s a bit weird, but acceptably so, to name your baby after your childhood best friend. It is much more creepy when you don’t tell your partner who the baby is named after. And when it’s your high school sweetheart, then it’s very much not on.
That’s nuts “I want you to be like this great person” “So fucking creepy”
Could it be just a common and beautiful name in his country? He could have a grandmother with the same name. SIL could be pot stirring here.
That's a good point. What if the name is like Maria? In my family alone we have multiple members named Mary, Joseph and John. (Catholic much?)
I think there are only 6 different male names in my whole family tree, I swear. Maybe 10-12 female ones. We are very fond of certain saints apparently.
Haha yes! I even participated in the practice by naming my daughter after my mother.
Some European countries have or have had previously a list of names you are required to choose from when naming a child. From my understanding it's a holdover from the Soviet union controlling them.
Many countries in the world have laws defining what are legal or illegal names (including lists of allowed names) and it has little to do with Soviet Union (e.g. Denmark, Iceland, Portugal or France until 1990s have or has lists of approved names).
My boyfriend is from an ex-Soviet state, and he said the tradition of naming came from “Name day”. It seems like name day is a largely Christian/baptismal tradition that spreads across many countries, and most names on the list are from saints (as is my boyfriends). This seems to have very little to do with the Soviet Union, and seems almost antithetical to it. You can’t blame the soviets for everything…
The SIL is totally a pot stirrer. Who tells their brother’s wife that her husband’s parents would have preferred he married his ex over her? OP should definitely say something to her husband but I would take the SIL words with caution.
Ugh. Pretty much everybody in my dad's family was clear they preferred his first wife. We don't really have a relationship with them outside of Facebook as a result.
Yeah definitely don’t take her word on anything. She’s obviously trying to create a confrontation.
Even if it's a common name, if a partner and I were discussing names, and *they* offered a name of one of my exes, I'd feel off about it and say that. I wouldn't veto the name if they were a common ex, but I expect that most people would react the name upon my mentioning that I had an ex with that name. There is one woman that I was obsessed with for a few years. Heck, we weren't even dating ever. I would need to veto that name because I think that there would always be that association. I still have a thought of her whenever I hear her name, and I haven't seen her in more than 25 years.
We automatically excluded the names of past partners, including other versions of the name. Think Patricia, Patrique, Patrice.
It also depends on how secure the OP feels. SIL seems to be happily picking at a sore spot.
But it's weird he especially insisted on naming the girl and for OP the boy.
yeah! I actually had a name for a daughter that I fell in love with as a teen. I wanted to change my own name and my father said no, you give that name to your own daughter. So I let the kids' father choose our son's name (although I did veto one name which would come across as really pretentious in English)
Well that's different if this was communicated like this. Letting someone choose is different than insisting on it.
Came here to ask the same. Could just be a name he’s fond of. How many Jennifers or Stephanies do we know?
I know several Italian Anna’s so it’s a common name there. It was the name of a Roman Empress, several queens, famous actresses and scientists. The choice of name doesn’t necessarily mean he’s honoring his ex.
Anna is common in Greece as well.
That is a fake name for the post. Not the real name.
This makes me think of My Big, Fat Greek Wedding. Nick, Nick, Nicki...
Even if it was it’s weird. My ex was John and I have a friend named John and an uncle named John and my boyfriend’s best friend is John. Sure it’s a popular name but if I suggested if we have a son I get to name him I would NOT pick John. Even if I was like I have such a close relationship with my uncle named John I would still imagine my ex as John too. Nope nope.
I agree, I feel we should give him the benefit of the doubt, specially if it is a common name While I feel this whole agreement on choosing the names without the other's input is weird I myself was named after the younger sister of my dad's ex girlfriend. It is a really uncommon name, but both my parents really liked it and it was agreed on. It wasn't a case of them wanting to honour her in any way, they just really liked her really uncommon name, but people do find it odd when they know the origin of my name Sometimes we just know people that have names we like. And hey, if he liked a common name that is also shared with an ex, that doesn't sound too bad, doesn't even sound like something that worth mentioning. If it's a very specific and uncommon name though, well, weird
OP needs to talk to her spouse as much about SIL as the name for sure.
He named his daughter after the woman he really wanted. Simple.
Also and let’s also add the question… “And then I saw, you still talk to said girlfriend? Do you even respect our marriage?”
>“And then I saw, you still talk to said girlfriend? Do you even respect our marriage?” That could come across really aggressive and is guaranteed to start a fight though. He can speak to his ex and still respect their marriage I would assume. Maybe try "And then I saw, you still talk to said girlfriend. Do I have anything to worry about?”
Why give him a question he will automatically say no to, even if it’s a lie?
and if he's excusing it in any type of way. "Okay fine. then our next baby will be named by me and will be getting my first loves name."
There’s several problematic things in this post. A sister who is rude to you coming for a visit. He should have your back in regards to his family. This behavior shouldn’t keep going unchecked. A daughter named after an ex-gf. However, honestly, the most egregious detail in the post to me is the fact that he has never cut off contact with a very serious ex-gf. They’ve been communicating multiple times a week for the entirety of your relationship and he’s kept you totally in the dark about it. It’s a lie of omission. It’s also incredibly disrespectful to you, as his wife. Not only has he kept his interaction with her hidden, he has also kept her entire existence in his life hidden. You are married to him. You have birthed his child. Yet you didn’t even know that he had a long term relationship with a girl named Ana. Former relationships where there was deep connection tend to come up in conversations at some point. Maybe once a new dating relationship gets serious. Maybe once a proposal has taken place. Maybe in the newlywed dynamic where a lot is being shared. Yet he never mentioned her to you. Ever. You would have never known of her existence had the sister not brought it up. There’s reasons he’s never mentioned this very significant detail about his life. He knows it wrong but he doesn’t want to stop. He wants to maintain an emotional connection with her. Meaning this is an emotional affair. He knew you wouldn’t like it and could potentially give him an ultimatum. A scenario he would like to avoid because he’s not willing to give her up which means he would have to leave you. Divorce is not a fun picnic in the park so he’s not ready for all of that drama.
If you want to avoid mentioning that you checked his phone, at least for the time being, simply mention what your SIL said to you. Tell him she has told you that Ana was an ex-girlfriend’s name. Tell him she also mentioned the two of them were once very seriously dating. Ask if him that’s true. It’s going to be hard for him to deny this without calling his sister a liar so he’ll probably confess. When that happens tell him you have two questions that you really need him to take seriously and answer honestly. First ask,“Do you still have feelings for this person?” Second ask, “Have you been in contact with this person since our marriage?” If he denies speaking to her since he married you that is evidence of an outright lie. People don’t tend to lie about things of no consequence. If he lies to your face while answering a question about her that will be very revealing.
This is the conversation to be had. It IS confrontational in the most respectable way possible. Regardless of how this conversation goes, the disrespectful, troublemaking SIL needs to be addressed.
This is what I think for the most part. He's obviously still in love and hid it. So far we only know they broke up cause he emigrated. Meaning there were no real problems in the relationship. Maybe they're realist and know that damn near every long distance relationship fails. Goin on this assumption if he ever goes back... Well... We all know where that may lead. Op though really needs to put her big girl pants on and bring this up. Personally I'd demand that all contact is cut at a minimum. Exes are a huge boundary for me. I also cut contact with anyone I've slept with.
Agreed. Completely cutting contact would be an ultimatum if I were having this conversation. I would need to be present in the room when he wrote the final message. I wouldn’t just assume it was done. Open device policy would also be in effect.
I’d want to change my child’s name. Because every time he calls his daughter’s name he’s thinking of the ex. I couldn’t live with that, pretty name or not.
This would totally be my plan on this.
Also he paid homage to his ex through his daughter. That is so disrespectful that I don’t understand how OP is being so calm about this
Yeah, this is wild. I still occasionally talk to my ex boyfriend from high school (maybe every few months though, not multiple times a week), but my fiance knows this, knows about him, is fine with it, etc. If you're so close with someone that you text them multiple times a week I can't imagine not mentioning them to your SO unless something nefarious is happening
It would be worth looking more into the translations but this almost sounds like a passport marriage, and Ana will be his next one (after the immigration then subsequent divorce…)
This was my thoughts too a kids makes things so much easier for him
An emotional affair involving chit chat and memes twice a week to someone you heard about from someone else who hates you. I've rarely heard of such passionate deceit and it's bound to be true.
Everything you said here! It’s the Lying.. for so so long He is not who OP thought he was This would be a dealbreaker Especially w the naming of your daughter After a woman he loves behind your back
O.P. I hope you read all of what the first commenter posted. Ask yourself how you can continue living like this? Is this how you want your life? I highly doubt it. Ya know, he has lied for sooo long, and hid it from you. His relationship with her is going to continue no matter what you say, think, or feel. Hugs to you 🫂
What do you mean you have no reason to complain to him? He named your child after an ex he still talks to, that he never told you about. Weird thing not to mention at some point on his end, almost like it was intentional. Why would he think that it was okay. Maybe bring up naming a boy after an ex of yours and see how that would go down.
So the sister-in-law was not aware of the name of the baby born 3 months ago??
Thank you! I was wondering the same thing.
I think she knew the name, but asked why they picked this one
Exactly, she knew the name was just asking about the specifics about it. These people are having a hard time with reading comprehension and making assumptions that don’t make much sense after it.
Exactly lol. You find out there’s a new baby in the family and you don’t call, you don’t FaceTime to ask about the baby’s name? Sus.
This is a made up story for sure!
Ask your husband why he chose that name and if it has anything to do with his ex. It could be a lot more innocent than you or even your SIL think. For instance I come from Italy and here pretty much everyone goes with the same 15-20 names for each gender. It is almost guaranteed that if you choose a traditional name, you know or knew someone who shares the same one. Honestly... I think your husband did wrong only in never mentioning her, or the fact he's still in contact. What I think is very wrong and something you should put your foot down for is your SIL coming to your house and disrespecting you in such a way. She told you, a new mom, "his parents like you less" for what? Being a drama queen doesnt justify disrespect.
Why not talk to your husband and say “hey, SIL told me you had a long-term ex named “Anna”. I feel a little weird about that, and was hoping we could talk about it”. Hear him out. He might say “oh, I always loved that name, it was my great aunt’s name, etc” Sounds like SIL is stirring up drama. He chose you.
[удалено]
After he confirms that he dated an ‘Anna’, ask if he’s still in contact with her and see if he lies about it.
[удалено]
People are too easy to reply with unfortunate points. If you guys have a specific "agreement" about having your own social life, he would probably bring that up if you became upset by this. Just be honest with him and, most importantly, yourself. Fucked up things happen in a marriage / relationships all the time and for those who don't know everything, it's too easy to say "omg get a divorce, he's a lying bastard...etc" If you think he's lying, bring it up. Tell him what you think. Maybe approach this at a time where you are feeling most like yourself (hormones wise), if possible. I'm not saying he's 100% innocent in this, but sometimes boundaries can be misunderstood in a relationship, and someone like him feels that this is a part of his life he gets to keep private. How do you feel? Have you guys clarified? Maybe now is the time to agree on set boundaries. Good luck, OP. this may not be the right time to say, but congratulations on your little one. Cheers to good health for you and your family
Does his maternal grandmother have this name? I think he should have mentioned that he was in contact with his ex just for openness sake. On the other sidd, if he genuinely otherwise is a good, trusthworthy partner, and his sister doesnt like you, she might just be trying to stir things up. Her telling you that his family, that you've met once, would prefer that he was with his ex, could just be her projecting her dislike onto you and stirring up distrust.
Okay, well if you trust that he’s being honest, then that seems like a reasonable explanation. If you’re uncomfortable with him being in such regular communication with her, you should say so and ask him to cut back. It could be that his sister is just trying to stir up trouble, which you should absolutely discuss with him too. I hope it really is nothing and you can trust he’s being honest with you.
Girl..
I like keeping in contact with my exes. I don’t cross boundaries and I don’t flirt (or tolerate boundary crossing from them). I would never get into a serious relationship without explicitly spelling that out to my partner. It’s a deal breaker for a lot of folks, and they deserve to know about potential deal breakers. It matters that he didn’t mention this to you. It was a big deal before he named your daughter over an ex that he is in regular contact with. It’s also a big deal that she’s boundary crossing and he does not seem to care (the job invite is…. Yikes). He doesn’t seem to care about his family’s boundary crossing any more than he does hers. You deserved better than this. If you want to work on the relationship, I’d suggest a councilor and some setting some strong boundaries with yourself about what treatment you walk away from.
[удалено]
She is still working in Russia (a sanctioned country?) most international companies have closed their offices there she might be looking to get out. Poaching him sounds like an excuse to get back in touch with him I think ..
Since he’s confessed that he talks to her you don’t have to mention that you’ve looked in his messages, if it still makes you uncomfortable to say that. I, personally, would tell him it makes you uncomfortable to know he’s having that much communication with an ex girl friend. That he’s never told you about. I would share my expectation for communication to end. There’s no way I would live with this hanging over my head in my day to day life. There’s still two things that still stand out to me. 1. He’s never mentioned this person to you before. You would have not known she is existed if his sister had not mentioned her. 2. He has had ongoing communication with her for years. Without telling you. If I were having a conversation with him I would be straight forward and say both of those things are very troubling. Everyone has to decide what they are willing to live with for themselves. You get to make the choice about what happens next. I can only share how I would react. I wouldn’t put up with something like this if it truly bothered me. He’s your husband. You should feel safe with him in every way. Physically. Sexually. Emotionally. If you’re harboring troubling doubts about anything because of his actions then you are not safe with him emotionally. From the details you shared here it appears they did not have contact for several years. The contact resumed after she reached out to him while he was in his Master’s program. How is it that he was able to manage just fine without her checking in several times a week for several years? Yet now he has to hear from her? That little detail feels really odd to me. If he could go without hearing from her before he can manage without it now. Why has her safety become such a concern to him? Since they, supposedly, reconnected many years after they were in a relationship together. What’s he going to do if he doesn’t hear from her? Is he her appointed rescuer? Is he going to set his family aside and run to make sure she’s okay? Are you and the baby expendable if he thinks she needs him more? He’s not her person. She can check in with someone else. They can be responsible for making sure she’s okay. He is YOUR person. He should be much more concerned with making sure you’re okay. Especially given you just gave birth to his child and are managing all of the emotions that come with that. You should be his priority. Personally, I think it’s very telling that you went to his social media and his private messages first. Before going to him and asking him about what his sister said. There’s some part of you that didn’t trust that straightforward approach. You are now hiding something from him. Then we’ve got him over here keeping an entire ex-girlfriend a secret from you. Then keeping all of his ongoing communication with her private as well. He’s been hiding things from you. There’s no denying that his secrets are much more complex than yours but secrets are secrets. I think you both need to agree to some couple’s therapy. There’s something fundamentally flawed here. Someone else asked a question in a comment that I thought was worthy of attention. Has he travelled to his home country without you? I think it’s definitely worth asking if he’s seen her on trips home. Has he travelled to Russia? If so, did he see her on those trips? More questions worth asking. The fact that he’s kept her a secret calls every single thing about him and her into question.
He wants to keep in touch with her for his peace of mind? Why? Is that his sister? Is she his family? No. Hmmmmm that’s weird.
Not at all weird. You don't just quit caring about someone because you are no longer together. Perhaps their relationship was always more friendship based than romantic. I named a son after an ex-boyfriend who I am still in contact with. He's a good guy, we just weren't right for each other. My husband liked the name as well, so he was okay with it.
And tell him that his sister made sure to tell you that they preferred her. He needs to handle that situation.
She is stirring up drama and so many people in this post are feeding into it.
I would tell him that you dont appreciate him not being up front about the orgin of your daughters name and it was disrespectful of him to not give you the heads up in light of his sisters comments. She was rude and disrespectful and tried to embarrass you. It was made worse by the fact you didn't know. I'd also ask if he is still in contact with her and see if he is honest. I'm sure he'd have feelings about you naming your son after a past lover.
“Your sister was pretty nasty to to me, she told me that you named our daughter after your first love and that your parents would have preferred this first love to me. I am trying to navigate my feelings about this and would like you to explain why you did this to help me understand?”
Your story seems odd. This man is supposed to love you more than life itself and he allows his own sister to verbally berate you and be mean? And after you met his sister the first time and she was nasty, you didn’t ban her from ever visiting again? How do people go through life like this? I once had a cousin make a snide remark to wife, and that very day he was banned from my house and I made it clear to my close family if anyone hung out with him, they would be banned to. No one tested me and hasn’t since.
This right here. Yes, there is an issue with the ex but HIS sister is bringing trouble to their home. This won't be the last time. OP has enough drama queens in her family and she's allowing another one to fester in this family of she's not checked right here.
[удалено]
Seems odd to even tolerate her bs one time, but I guess every three years is fine. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be me annoyed at her. I’m more annoyed that the man who loves you allows it.
Ok did you put your family members in check if they were actually “mean” to him? Or are you just trying to be like “well my family did this so his family can do this it’s only fair” absolutely not. He can put his sister in her place or she can stop coming. It’s that simple.
What a doormat. Your daughter deserves better. Instead of being mad and taking action, you settle? Again? Girl
How long was SIL visiting for before the baby’s name was finally revealed? 😂
I couldn’t live with that, especially if they are still in contact and he’s keeping her secret from you. His family knows exactly why he chose that name. Every time his family is around they’re going to give each other knowing glances and smirks. It sounds as though your child is still very young. Any chance you can legally change her name? If husband asks why you can tell him there’s only room in his life for 1 Anna so he can either go no contact with the woman who has such a large presence in his heart that he named his child for her, or he can sign off on a legal name change
Your husband sucks but (based your own comments) it doesn’t seem like you actually care or want advice.
She really doesn’t
I’d be changing her name and if he said no/didn’t stop talking to the ex, I’d leave
I’d change the name and reconsider things with your husband. He’s not over the ex.
So I can guarantee his sister will tell him she told you. Then he married you when he clearly is not over his ex, the ex that his family and his sister adored, and then he chats with ex throughout the week, and then names your first born child after her. What is there not to understand, it’s crystal clear. You’re the stand in because he couldn’t have her for whatever reason. In this case divorce is the option as he’s not going to change her name, he didn’t tell you where the name came from because he knew you’d be against it. His family probably doesn’t even like you. I’m very sorry but you won’t get any real answers from him and he will just gaslight you to accept this crap and you will. I can tell. Good Luck.
Do some of you people thrive on drama and look for the worst in every situation? Nothing is “crystal clear” and you can’t come to that conclusion based on a few paragraphs from a ten year relationship. It must be exhausting jumping through this many hoops.
If you have a strong marriage then you should be able to talk to each other about pretty much anything and everything. So you should be able to ask him if he named your daughter after his high school gf, without starting world war three. If he asks you why you’re asking you can honestly reply that his sister told you. And again if he confirms it you should be able to tell him how that’s made you feel without feeling guilty for doing so. And you could even ask him what his relationship with her is now - again a perfectly logical question to ask. Hopefully he will respond in a measured way and explain why he chose that name and acknowledge that with the benefit of hindsight it may not have been the best choice. Of course if he reacts belligerently or denies everything, then you have bigger problems in your marriage than what your daughter’s name is.
You tell him what SIL told you, you ask if he’s still in contact with her, if he’s honest then say “you have this ex that you chose our daughters name and still talk with her but never told me about nor did you tell me you’re still in contact with, you’ve betrayed my trust in you.” If he lies about talking to her ask to see his phone right there. Either way, you’re obviously upset about this- understandably- and HE needs to work towards repairing that trust. But if I were you? His ass would be gone. This is pretty serious.
So they never really even had a falling out? He was with her for the majority of his formative years and left on a good note and is still talking to her? I’d freak out over that alone. And then naming your child after her? The disrespect is unacceptable. I’m angry for you. Learn what self respect looks like. These are not the actions of a good husband
Why would you freak out? A teenage romance that ended 10 years ago? Please. Has he been contacting her, or had she been contacting him? Were the conversations romantic in nature, or more business and friendly? And honestly, men tend to compartmentalize things, and it may have never occurred to him to mention it to his wife.
There is one simple way to find out if there’s something fishy going on or not. And you need to try this before he understands that something has upset you. Ask him if he is in contact with his ex and see if he lies. Lying in one thing means possible lying about a lot of things. Decide from that point how you want to approach it.
Why didn’t the sister know the name prior to her arrival?
He secretly named your daughter after his first love and you really think that you’re the problem?…
I personally would not give my baby the same name as a significant ex. Even if I really liked the name or it was really common or whatever. That would feel uncomfortable and disrespectful to my partner. Kinda weird to me that he did that.
It’s not drastic to expect your spouse to tell you about an ex when they are still in contact, especially one you knew nothing about! It is also not drastic to expect your spouse to not name your child after said ex! There might be few names people rotate from certain parts of the world but out of respect for their spouse you don’t choose one for your child that’s the same of a longtime ex!🤦♀️ It’s a little disturbing you aren’t more upset about the whole situation. Then there’s his very disrespectful sister. I would hope he wouldn’t allow a family member to in your home that didn’t show you respect. In a way it sounds like your husband has a completely different side to his life he doesn’t share with you. That’s not marriage. I’m with everyone else, I’d change her name. And I would tell him what his sister said about his ex and your baby’s name which made you feel the need to go through his phone. Turns out you were right to look. I don’t think you should jump to divorce but transparency in a marriage is vital especially when it comes to something like this! Do you want your daughter growing up knowing she shares the name of her father’s ex because that’s what his family will probably tell her! So creepy!
He should have told her about his ex WAY before they got married if they were still in contact
I mean if he is a good enough partner to you that this doesn’t bother you than keep it up queen. It’s weird behaviour but just because it’s weird doesn’t mean it has to bother you!
Foul play is naming your baby after his ex, that he is still in contact with. He may also still love her but migrated to where you are. I would ask some questions.
Talk with your husband, ask him why he chose that name, but don’t jump to conclusions. I think most people have fond memories of their first relationship when they were a teenager, and remain friends, but it doesn’t mean they are still in love with them.
I have a friend who is named after her dad’s “first love”. Her parents are no longer together, and although she has a beautiful name she hates it bc of its association and how much it hurts her mother.
“You’ve agreed to give each other enough space to have your own social circles.” Whose idea was this? If it was his, he did so to hide his emotional affair he’s been having all along.
So…I’m going to present you a hypothetical. I grew up with a girl named “Jenny”. Our parents even worked together for a time. When we were in our early teens, as kids do, we fooled around, and even dated a couple of times between 14 and 22. Her is the hypothetical part: let’s say Jenny and I aren’t as close as we once were, even as friends (this is true). She’s married, with a kid of her own, and the extent of our communication is via FB updates and the occasional message. If I wanted to name my kid Jenny, which is a very common name where I come from…why not? Would we think twice about using the name of any other childhood friend? Just because someone else said she was the love of his life or something doesn’t make it so. Lots of people thought Jen and I were destined to be together, and we knew by 18 it wasn’t so. If that part is where the problem lies, talk to him. Otherwise, just focus on the fact it’s a common name from his country he has some sentimentality to from his youth
You could ask him where he got the name from and if he tells you something different you could mention that his sister told you this. The sis could also be trying to cause problems too
It’s only going to get worse, I promise. He’s not over her.
He’s having an emotional affair. He’s clearly not over her, especially hiding all of this from you. You need to face facts. Your comments are you just trying to gaslight yourself into believing a false reality. Why would you rather ignore everything than just talk to him about how uncomfortable all of this makes you? No, you don’t want your marriage to end. Fine, but if you both don’t attempt to fix this, will you really be happy in this relationship? Sit down with him. Tell him you know about his ex and that he needs to stop talkin to her. That he’s having an emotional affair and that naming your child after her is making you question whether he wants to be with you. He’s wrong for lying and hiding this from you. That you both need to go to counseling if he wants to stay with you— it’s non negotiable.
OP you are living my personal nightmare
also the whole “if it’s a girl I’ll name her a traditional name from my country” is bs from the start - it sounds like it was planned on his behalf! Why didn’t he pick a boy and why the “traditional” name he chose was a common name that has no link to any tradition it’s just simple and nice and easy. And I’m telling you this as a south and eastern European - Anna is a popular name in most places , it’s not like he called her something that reminds him of his home country specifically.
Perhaps you should tell your husband what his sister said and how it makes you feel. It might be that it is simply a name he likes.
Your SIL traveled to visit you, yet she didn’t know the baby’s name until she asked you? Huh
My dad named my sister after a friend he had a crush on. Why are men like this?
If it’s a name like Anna - a common name try and look past it for your own mental health. Secondly I would wonder why he’s still talking to her. That would feel like cheating to me. I know they can still be friends but the fact that you didn’t know about it before feels dishonest.
My father agreed on a name with my mother, then she gave birth to me and while she was recovering at the hospital my dad went on to register me and he named me his ex-gf name while the name they had agreed on became my middle name. My mother was livid when she found out what happened, apparently she knew her and never really liked her, I guess my father kept seeing her even after he was with my mom. So anyway, my name became this big dramatic thing in my life because my mother refused to call me by my first name (even today, almost 40 years later, she still refuses to do so. She NEVER called me by my first name. It was very confusing for me as a kid. Funny is that, in the end, even my father calls me by my middle name lol My mom and dad ended up divorcing (almost 15 years later) but my mom said she never really forgave him for this.
Give your daughter a nickname instead and keep calling her that
I don't believe in knee-jerk "divorce immediately" type advice but you've been so immersed in a culture (whichever it is) that is inherently sexist you're willing to tolerate things that are wholly unacceptable to keep your husband and that sets a precedence for how you're treated for the entirety of your relationship. I'm not blaming you for what he's done, but if you choose to let it slide, that's a choice and the consequences are for the rest of the time he's with you, it's going to eat at you and erode things for you knowing full well he's still talking to her while he gets to live every day in peace getting all the things he wants. At minimum he's been having emotional affair with his high school sweetheart for some time, and [unbeknownst to you at the time] he's named his own daughter after her. She's so intertwined in his thoughts and emotions that a daughter from someone else got her name. That's pretty significant. His sister is petty, conniving and a horrible person 🤷🏻♀️. She enjoyed whatever perceived reaction she got from you when she revealed that info that she probably had been waiting on (she knew your daughter's name before she got there, please). I would limit the number of future visits from her to 0. You have to have some level of self respect and care for how all that makes you feel. It's not enough he has helped with the dishes or been an active parent. Behind your back he gets to feel connected to someone he very clearly has deep feelings for...
I'm really sorry, because I know you don't want the massive disruption in your life it may cause, but I really think you can't keep quiet about this. This is the type of thing that will eat and eat at you, and you are already afraid it will come up next time you argue. At which point it will explode and you will be blamed. You're already blaming yourself, for snooping, so it will make it reaaaaaal easy for him to blame you too, especially in the middle of an argument. You have to tell him what his sister said. Leave what you saw out of it at first, to see what he says. Does he come clean, or does he try to lie to you (more)?
The fact that even before you were trying for a baby he already knew that we wanted his baby girl to have the same name as his ex rings alarm bells for me. The SIL was overtly disrespectful and took enjoyment in disclosing this "secret" to you. Your husband has been talking to his ex for the duration of your relationship MULTIPLE times per week. I understand people wanting to stay in touch with an ex if the relationship ended amicably, but this level of contact would make me uncomfortable. I'd go so far to say this is an emotional affair. As others have suggested, I would question him about her following what your SIL had said and go from there. They may not be physically intimate, but if I found out my partner named my child after his ex and had been speaking with her several times a week throughout our entire relationship, I'd feel almost a similar level of betrayal.
I would be unhappy about this. Your husband should have told you about the name. Also, I would be unhappy about my husband texting his ex 3 times a week. I have plenty of long distance close friends and we are not texting 3 times a week.
I find it odd that as a man, he wanted “full discretion” for choosing a daughters name instead of choosing his sons name. Sounds like he was always determined to honor his ex in that way no matter who he ended up having babies with.
You need to ask your husband why your in-laws hate you. Have him deal with them.
First of all I think you're being played by the sister-in-law and she's twisting things around planting seeds in your mind. And even if she is named after that girl it doesn't sound like your husband was some ravenous Playboy and you have to remember that at 14 What drew them together with something far more innocent than the sister-in-law is insinuating. She's also speaking for other people out of turn and she's intentionally saying things to hurt you.. and remember that his high school sweetheart play the big part informing him into the man that you chose to marry and somebody that had a big influence on your husband's personality is somebody that is worthy of being remembered. Pretty much go the opposite way 180° polar opposite of what your sister-in-law is trying hurt you with because you should actually be grateful that he was with that high school sweetheart otherwise he wouldn't be the man that he is today
I can't love this comment enough!
I don't really see the point in giving you advice because if your husband isn't gaslighting you, you're gaslighting yourself. However, at the very least, change your daughter's name. If you do decide to stay and not do anything about this situation and your husband's clear emotional infidelity…get a therapist.
If you like the name anyway (like you said) why even worry about it. You said the conversation that you translated didn’t show anything but regular conversation. I would just try to get past your feelings about it and also maybe you will have a boy and you can name him after your old high school crush.
I think you should change the name
Cool. You like your child’s name. I’m happy that you can accept that it’s her name now. But he chose that name. Without telling you the history. And your SIL got joy out of telling you that. Girl. Leave him. You will never be the one he actually wants.
This is just the tip of the iceberg
First things first, rename the baby.
I’ve read some of your replies, and I’m really confused why you don’t feel as though you can ask your husband about what his sister says. He doesn’t have to know you looked in his phone. She’s given you all the information you need to bring up the subject and ask him if he still has feelings for her. I know she is 6000 miles away, but with social media, she’s a lot closer than you think. She’s in his home country and his family loves her. An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical one. Only if he leaves you for her, your child will have a father living 6000 miles away. If I were you I’d be wondering what else he doesn’t tell you. This is a bigger issue than a name. Talk to your husband, get marriage counseling, and stand up for yourself when his sister is acting like a beast. Remind her she is in your home and if she can’t remember her manners, she doesn’t need to visit. Oh and I’d also get ahold of that phone once more and try to go back to the time frame, maybe a little before when you both agreed who would pick the name.
Rude people are sometimes gifts ironically. You should thank your SIL for telling you exactly who your husband is: a man who would cruelly name your daughter after his old flame THAT HE STILL SPEAKS TO. The baby is only three months old. Frankly I’d change her name and demand that he stop talking to that woman. If it ends the marriage, so be it. He’s an awful man.
I wouldn't let a troublemaking SIL come between you both. Yes there is a serious ex named Anna Yes he chit chats with her but you say it's rather inane Maybe they managed to remain friends Just tell your husband what the SIL said and ask questions
UpdateMe!
Divorce immediately
This situation is awful. It’s clearly getting to you and I can see you’re trying so hard to force yourself not to care about it. Please know this isn’t your “hormones” and it’s definitely not irrational to feel upset about this. Anyone would feel the same. It’s nice to hear that your husband pulls his weight domestically, but that doesn’t excuse the way he has hidden this all from you. Whether you remain in contact with exes is something that both parties need to agree on together as a couple. Even if his interactions with her are truly harmless, this is something you deserved to know about early on so you could decide if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone who stays in close contact with their ex. Some people are fine with that but many aren’t. The same goes for giving your child the same name as an ex. Some people genuinely won’t mind it, but it’s respectful to ask. Not only has he not asked you, he has hidden the very existence of this ex from you. Giving each other space for your own social circle is wonderful in a relationship, but this goes far beyond having space and is well and truly in deceitful territory. This might be the only thing he’s hiding from you, but it’s natural to question his honesty at this point. I worry that if you don’t let yourself bring this up with him, you will end up exploding, which is the very thing you don’t want to do. You aren’t overreacting. You aren’t irrational. Your feelings make perfect sense.
My husband tried that and I said ok but I want to name the second baby to which he agreed. Ya, I said I’m going with Chung or Longlivethe. I named our first Teddy King, second Trevor King and third Tim King. (True story)
Talk to him about your feelings, what hos sister told you and that he should block her to carry on with life
You need to be honest about everything. And couple's counseling. Finding out he named your child after his ex is more than enough reason to go through his phone. If you are afraid to confront him, then you have bigger problems and need to get out bc it means you aren't safe.
This was posted a week or two ago, word for word. Are you seeking karma for a purpose?
Sounds like they broke up due to circumstances and maybe in their fantasies, if he didn't have to immigrate they would still be together and live out their grand love story. But it sounds like you're too afraid to face it or face him. He messed up and you're already taking on 80% of the blame. Thats not a partnership. That's you sacrificing your peace of mind for his. Adress this and air it out.
Change the name because wtff!!
Wait until the sister leaves, then tell him what his sister said, including his parents ' preference for the former gf. Tell him you saw his conversations with the X. He never mentioned it/her, so he actively his it from you because HE believes it's wrong. And if he tries to guilt you for looking into his phone, remember this is DARVO
Fake but also are all you of okay with your new person calling the persons name? Thought not.
The only okay thing that came out of this post is you can have access to his phone which could signal that he nothing to hide, especially since his conversations with her haven’t been flirty. But you need to talk to him. A sister coming all the way to visit you but she never knew the child’s name is odd to me. Is that name something common in the culture though? Regardless you two need to talk. You can’t be repeatedly thinking about his ex when you call your daughter.
Sorry but after that my child’s name would not be Anna! That is so disrespectful, and shows he still harbours feelings towards her. I would be fuming beyond belief. You need to confront him ASAP about what his sister said.
You are not being irrational. Your husband planned this before your daughter was even born.
So, you are the concolation price, congrars. Change the name of the baby
This could very well end your marriage. You've now discovered that your husband is deceitful. He's able to carry out huge lies of omission (hiding facts). How will you trust him going forward? How often will your daughter's name remind you of how capable he is of deceit? He's tied your daughter, by name, to his ex-girlfriend without letting you know what he was doing. Without giving you a say in whether that was appropriate or desirable. Why does he hide things? Because he knows you won't like them. If he can hide an entire relationship can you trust him at all? Will he cheat? Will he lie about finances? The thing about liars is that they tend to lie across many areas of life and you won't know which areas are lies. You will never know. If he was so wrapped up in his ex that he named a child for her why didn't he go back and marry her? Why didn't he bring her over? Why be stealthy? His entire family knows that he named a baby after his ex and they all know that you are clueless. It makes you look gullible and naive. His lie of omission has made you look pathetic to his entire family. Who does that to the person they love?
Is this really important? He likes the name. That doesn't mean he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend. She may be married with a husband and family of her own. So tell him what his sister told you and see how he reacts. He just might explain it all away and even tell you that he's still friends with the girl. You don't have to tell him you looked at his phone.
He planned to name your daughter after his lovely ex girlfriend about seven years ago. Before he even married you, he was planning to name his daughter after her. I can already see that this is a sham marriage as far as he’s concerned. He asks for permission to name your daughter before you’re married. Then he married you. Had said daughter and named her after the woman he’d likely be with if he hadn’t emigrated. And they are still talking to each other. None of this would be a big deal if one element of this story was missing. It’s the entirety of it that makes this a sham. I wouldn’t say anything to him without contacting an attorney first. Don’t let him take your daughter overseas alone either. And be thankful for your sister-in-law. She knows her brother is foul and gave you a heads up
So let me get this straight You didn't know the name of the woman your husband dated for 7 years (And, given timelines, it sounds like it was pretty much the only relationship he had other than you) You didn't know that your husband is still talking to this woman multiple time a week ~12years after they broke up. Before you got married you husband came up with the idea that he would get to decide the name of a child if it was a girl, and by total coincidence it just happens to be the same as this woman... This seems like a major WTF to me.
OP, I believe you need to bring up what your SIL said to your husband. Do your best to be calm and not reactive. It is going to eat at you until you finally throw it out when you are stressed, sad or angry at him. Just say what the SIL said. SIL is trying to cause trouble and her plan will work if you let this build up inside of you.
Your husband named your child that you birthed and gave him. A child you could have died for to bring him. And he chose to name after his ex girlfriend who he talked to. Behind your back a few times a week…and you ask how to address it without ruining your marriage…?
This is major ICK to me, and also red flag. My husband tried it, I told him I'd divorce him in a fucking heart beat. Naming your kid after a former love interest just tells me they aren't over that LI, and still harbor deep feelings for them. I couldn't see my spouse in the same way if this were to be discovered. You need to address it, because that will always be a bitter spot in your marriage forever if you don't. You might even become detached from your child if that becomes too much. And oh, his sister damn well knew the baby's name, she just wanted to slip that info in to hurt you. No doubt.
Did he use you to gain citizenship?
If this is your only problem in life let it go! Focus on a strong family for your baby. It’s ok for people to communicate you don’t own him. This is an issue where there is no win to be had it would just create bad vibes.
SIL has lost her chances to visit. He needs to make that clear to his nasty sister. You do not need to have this person in your home no matter who she is.
Can you ask him for me if y’all have another kid and it’s a boy can you name it after your crush if that’s what you’re doing now. There’s no need to be upset bc he thought it was ok. I bet you he would loose his shit!
You’re not lashing out because of your hormones. Your husband probably told you that’s what you’re doing in order to disregard your thoughts and feelings.
Marriage has already Been ruined by his lack of respect for you.
You went through his phone because his sister said something you didn't like? Yeah you're def the problem here.
There are so many egregious, disrespectful parts to this story O__O)
My dad did this. My original middle name was his mistresses first name. My mom had it legally changed when she divorced him after she found out. This is divorce level betrayal, not to mention so fucking creepy I lack the words. He named your little girl after a woman he was sexually and romantically involved with who he still is in constant contact with behind your back. NOPE.
I would change the baby’s name and I would tell him exactly why. What he did is messed up and kind of creepy. Naming your baby after the ex you wanted to settle down with is something you see a therapist for.
I would divorce so fast his head would spin. Marriages cannot survive lack of respect. He disrespected you multiple ways.
Is he good to you? Does he love you and your daughter and look after you? Does he abuse you? Have you noticed any red flags, secretive talking or texting on his phone? No. The fact that it’s a common name and his grandmother also has it would be enough for me. Don’t go looking for issues where there are none. If you’re really stressing about it ask why he chose that particular name and see what he says. You can mention that his sister thinks he named his daughter after his ex but I think she’s just meddling.
Ohh he’s still into the ex or he wouldn’t be talking to her several times a week and he certainly wouldn’t name his daughter after her.
Do not ever let your daughter find out where her name comes from. I found out that my original name was thanks to my dad's third grade crush. I already didn't like my name to begin with, and that solidified my decision to legally change it when I can.
He wants to be able to say, "I love you, Anna," out loud and for you to not realize he doesn't just mean your daughter.
Jesus I hope this post is fake
LOL
updateme
You don’t.
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Ehm...OP stop trying to gaslight yourself. You should absolutely be upset about this. Confront his ass and ask him why did it. There's no way he didnt name you daughter after his ex gf, even if comes up with "it's common name and I liked it". You are disrespected by his sister and your husband is okay with this? Hell no! Stand up and let them respect you.
I was named after two of my dads ex girlfriends. I'm fine. But my mom did abandon me and my little sister when I was 4 or 5 so there's that. But seriously he just liked the names together. What you're comfortable with is up to you to decide though because your situation he actively hid her and communication with her. You know, go with what you know is the right answer, not what you wish it was.
First of all, I'd talk to him. I find the SIL real untrustworthy. She's a hurtful, poisonous one.
Sorry why are you so calm if it was me I would be upset. I mean he called your child after his ex why would he do that unless there was something more to it and your to scared to rock the boat by asking him.
The longer the post, the greater the BS
Uh, you had a kid and didn't send a birth announcement with name to his family? His sister didn't know the name of her niece until she came for a visit? 😳
Depending on the country your husband is from, it might not be too unusual to stay friends with an ex girlfriend. I’m friends with a couple of my exes where it just fizzled out naturally. But our partners have always known about it and they’ve met. However the red flag for me is that he’s never mentioned her to you, not even as just a friend. That’s very odd and suspicious and makes me think that he still has unresolved feelings for her. Also naming your child after his ex girlfriend without you knowing that she even exists is a red flag. My daughter has the same name as a crush my ex husband had as a teenager. Nothing ever happened between them and I brought up the name and at first he was reluctant, because he thought it was weird (I didn’t know he’d had a crush on someone with that name). Eventually we did go for that name as we both liked it and it was difficult finding a name that sounded similar in both our languages that wasn’t too unusual or something that she could be bullied with. I think that you definitely need to talk to your husband and tell him what your SIL told you. See his reaction. From one of your comments I gather that you don’t have a great reference for what a healthy relationship looks like. I think you should read up on that. I stayed in a toxic relationship too long, because it was normal for me. But my self worth suffered more and more. Everyone deserves a partner they can trust.
Grow a backbone, your husband violated your trust. This is not something simple. Naming your baby after your previous lover? Wtf? The sister is rude to you for no reason also. Your husband and his entire family do not respect you at all