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Record this process.
Place the phone / camera in a location where you definitely capture the entire thing. For example, make sure you’re far enough back, but close enough to hear everything. And if he tends to get physical with you, place the phone on a stable surface rather than holding it.
Do it for a solid week so there’s no way he can excuse it as a one time thing.
Then show him the videos and don’t let him gaslight you.
Let him know that you gave it your best shot, but you cannot be a part of this process anymore because it’s downright abusive and it’s causing you to fall out of love with him.
See how he responds and go from there.
I find it hard to believe he doesn't remember doing it. It's not like he falls back asleep, he gets up and takes a shower.
I get pretty irritated if I'm woken up early by accident on a work day but I definitely don't talk like that or assault people.
And what is she, his fucking mother? His job is his responsibility. She went out of her way to help him but now he's pinning the success of his job on her. From this post it doesn't seem like he has any illness or disability that makes it difficult for him to wake. He just can't grow the fuck up, put a bunch of alarms on, go to bed earlier, or whatever it is the rest of us have to do to get up and do our jobs.
I'm the same way. I don't remember it. Once my bf recorded me and I could not believe my eyes. He is basically more asleep than awake when he does this.
Agreed on the second paragraph, he needs to wake up by himself.
That in and of itself is not exactly why I disbelieve him. It's the lack of concern for calling her names and pushing her that makes it suspect to me, in addition to the attitude of "well even so you still need to wake me up so I don't get fired".
My mom will be "awake" and respond to me with complete answers. But then forget it even happened, much less what we discussed. To me though the thing is, she falls back asleep after the conversation. It's wild to me someone can lash out so aggressively and go take a shower but not remember the 5 minutes prior to the shower. Without a disability. My guess when being shown it however you did not respond so flippantly as he did.
I agree with this. If he claims to have no knowledge of it and you believe him, then it sounds like he's doing this while still asleep. Talk to him about it ahead of time and express your concern that he has a sleep problem and you are going to record the events of you waking him up so he can see it for himself. I'd also encourage you/him to talk to his doctor about this and find a sleep specialist.
that depends on whether you want to insert new problems on top of the old ones.
and/or give them something to shift the focus of the conversation back onto what you did instead of the behaviour you were recording.
it's like looking through their phone.. maybe you find something that proves your suspicions, but it also create a new issue with your breach of privacy.
Why would consent be needed? I haven't heard of a situation where you would need consent to film your spouse let alone in your own home. But I guess it would depend on country and location.
Actually consent is very important in regard to filming especially in the bedroom and vulnerable situations. I think the difference is showing HIM that he’s abusing HER. Filming is often done for exploitation without consent. The flip side is to document abuse without consent to film. So in loving and equitable cases, consent is needed or there could be legal repercussions.
He needs to see a sleep specialist. Having you wake him up only to be cussed out might seem like a solution to him, but it sucks for you.
If a sleep specialist isn't feasible, then multiple alarm clocks.
I'd be tempted to record him waking up so that he can't deny his verbal abuse.
Multiple alarms is horrible advice, it keeps the poor hygiene intact. And it's annoying as fuck to everyone but the sleeper.
I've dropped roommates over that.
I've had a very difficult time waking up on time for work and the only thing that's helped was setting multiple alarms on my phone and then also getting an alarm clock that goes off every 5 minutes with a light that comes on with each snooze.
Thankfully I live alone so I don't have to worry about waking anyone else up but having a physical alarm clock out of arms reach helped so much. That being said, I've never gotten verbally abusive with anyone when I've had to wake up early around them but maybe that's because I'm not an absolute dickhead to people I care about.
> it’s selfish of me to want to stop helping him.
No it isn’t.
It is not your responsibility to get him up in the morning. If he doesn’t want to lose his job, HE needs to get himself out of bed on time. Stop doing it for him.
Honestly it sounds like he has a sleep disorder and should get help for that. You should record his behavior, emphasize that you will not be putting up with his half-conscious abuse, even if he doesn't remember it, and that insist he do a sleep study and seek professional advice.
There is no relationship advice here, but I wanted to share the process I built because I had a real problem waking up well and staying awake for most of my adult life.
1. Sunrise simulator alarm clock. Have the sunrise start an hour to half an hour before wakeup time.
2. Alarm clock set to music, a station you like so that your brain will connect to a song right away. Place this across the room. (My sunrise alarm does this.)
3. A normal alarm clock close to the bed to jolt him from deep sleep asap.
4. A lamp on a timer (you can buy these) so that the light will be on when the alarm clocks go off.
Is this an absolutely wild setup? Yes.
Does it work? Yes.
At this point my internal clock has reset, and I don't have problems getting up.
I used to have the issue of sleeping through the alarm or turning it off in my sleep. I lost a job in my 20s and nearly lost one in my 30s due to it. Turns out I have sleep apnea. Getting a CPAP made all the difference. I’m now actually rested when my alarm goes off so it’s much easier to get up.
I still agree with the other commenters that you need to record this behavior. Otherwise there’s a very good chance that he’s never going to believe that he needs more help than you should have to provide.
I think you need to record waking him up so he can see for himself. You aren’t being unkind by not wanting to wake him since he’s verbally abusive.
He needs multiple styles of alarm clocks, and one for the deaf that vibrates the bed might be the best one of all. I would also consider putting an alarm clock in a large pot or in the shower so that the alarm is amplified and echoes.
Last, he absolutely must get a sleep study done and possibly see if a neuropsychiatrist referral would be recommended. If the only time he is this much of a jerk is when woken up and he swears he’s not, either he’s lying and gaslighting you, or there’s something going on with the state he’s in when he wakes up that isn’t right and hopefully is correctable.
Tell him clearly that he's being abusive both verbally, emotionally, and physically.
Is he having trouble falling asleep? Is he someone that scrolls endlessly before sleep? Is he staying up late?
Get him to a doctor and accompany him during the visit, like sit there side by side with him to talk to the doctor so he can't lie to you.
I hope this can get resolved for you
Why can’t he wake up for an alarm? Is he going to bed too late? Some kind of sleep disorder? Things like sleep apnea can cause you to be exhausted and unable to wake up. If it’s generic not going to bed on time, melatonin or certain anti-histamines, along with reducing screen time and dimming the lights in the evening can help reset his schedule.
These are all things he needs to look into. No you don’t just suck it up and take the verbal abuse. Even if this is something he’s doing unintentionally it’s still on him to find a solution, not you.
I’ll be honest and say if my partner acted like this I would leave. First, he is putting the responsibility on you to wake him up. Secondly, he is also taking out his frustration on you and then at the end he gets to play ignorant and oops, it’s just my sleep problem you’re working with me on. He’d be sleeping alone in a room with his final warning and losing his job as his wake up call with me.
You’re married to a man child. I would have cringed at being asked to wake him up, what would happen if you weren’t there? Would he be jobless? Homeless? He’s an adult man and this is pathetic.
Not only is he on the verge of losing his job but he is also verbally and physically abusive when you try to wake him up then says that he doesn't remember being that way. You need a come to Jesus moment with this guy and tell him that he needs to get help for this or you get a divorce.
Don't wake him up anymore. You are not his dog to kick. Set multiple alarms, 10 minutes apart. Then one last one that is different. I find that music coming on is a pleasant slow wake up. Bottom line is this is his problem. If he gets fired tell him to go see a doctor. Do not let him abuse you anymore.
Unless he has a brain tumor or something, it's almost inconceivable that he doesn't remember his own behavior.
Set up your phone on a nearby dresser and video the whole thing.
Then tell him he either agrees to counseling or you're done. You're not obligated to wake up this manbaby like you're his mommy and he's seven years old.
I used to be like this. Former boyfriends, roommates and my daughter all confirmed it and teased me about it. My current partner used to gently shake my leg/foot to wake me, afraid I'd come out swinging. I'm not sure why it happened, or what it was that stopped it (recently, last couple years), though I could write a book on the trauma and abuse I've encountered from early childhood through adulthood, so I'd guess that it has something to do with that and therapy would be a good idea.
No. You absolutely DO NOT have to accept verbal abuse from someone who is supposed to love you. Record it and show it to him - but when you do, tell him that is the LAST time you will accept that behavior from him. His choice now is to agree to stop ("but Honey, I'm still asleep I don't know what I'm doing" is NOT an acceptable excuse), He can wake himself up if that's the case, or he can find someone else to put up with his sht. Just be ready to follow through.
He needs to develop some strategies - like GOING TO BED EARLIER, setting a series of alarms (my husband starts his alarm cycles two hours before he has to get up. It used to drive me bats! but it was what he needed to wake up. These days it's not a felony for him to be late to work, and he has far more reasonable hours.
(Yes, it did interfere with my own rest, and he'd try to give me hell for sleeping in - but I'd point out that He went to bed an hour before the kids' bedtime, and woke me up two hours before he got out of bed, when he was out the door a full hour and a half before I needed to get up to keep the kids on their schedules - so I deserved the extra sleep when I could get it).
He's 28 and he is responsible for getting up on time. Stop waking him up and break up with this asshole. My husband always gets himself up for work. He has to be there by 5:30. Not once in 26 years has he ever expected me to wake him up. I would video record him so he can see what he's doing although I think he's just gaslighting you.
I have a sneaking suspicion that if you told him you were going to leave him over this, he would magically stop with the verbal abuse. At least for a time. Does he have a sleep disorder - possibly. Does he like to vent his frustration on you and then pretend it never happened - definitely. We give ourselves permission to act in the way we want, even when tired. Wishing you the best.
This happened to me once with a long-term boyfriend who I’d have to wake up at 3am to go to his night shift job. It escalated into him shoving me out of bed/pushing me against walls/storming out of my house and yelling at me to fuck off when I’d try to wake him up or remind him that he had to leave for work after his alarm kept going off. There was no way I could have done things “the right way” to occur without him blowing up at me.
Somehow he managed to get himself up for his job on the days we didn’t hang out, so I’m not sure how it became my job when we did, but it was a terrible thing. I stopped letting him sleep over at my house when it became a pattern, which angered him further because he felt like I was pushing him away, gradually leading up to the end of our relationship.
This is literally abuse. Even if he doesn’t remember it and gets sad when you talk about reaching a point of not waking him up anymore. If this was you or I, we’d likely come up with outside solutions for other alarms or awakening techniques instead of burdening someone else with the task to be our wake up call. He’s older than you and needs to sink or swim in figuring this out. You can’t be yelled at or shoved or treated with cruelty. One last thing: It’s not your fault if he loses his job if you do stop waking him up.
Get a LOUD alarm that doesn't stop until your turn it off, put it across the room from him, so he has to get up to turn it off.
You, leave the room when the alarm goes off, leave him to deal with it, or just don't share a bed/room to sleep during weekdays.
Do you have a water gun? Fill one and get him while you're standing out of reach so he can't get your back. Should wake him up and you're in the clear.
Everyone has a diagnosis from being just a pain ole abuser to a jerk but what you need is for him to go to a sleep specialist and get tested for a sleep disorder. People would be very surprised at some of the things that are affected by these disorders. At least give it a chance before writing him off.
I know people are saying there’s no way he can’t remember. For what it’s worth when I wake my daughter up she will interact, talk with me and won’t remember. It’s like she’s physically up but doesn’t mentally wake up for a few minutes. It’s weird.
You don’t have to try and make out you made the right choice of husband by saying he’s “loving” in other areas. If he was that great outside of this issue, you wouldn’t feel like you were falling out of love with him.
He’s gaslighting you and being abusive and he’s doing it because he knows he can do that with you.
You’re not responsible as his alarm clock. He’s an adult man. Refuse to be part of his morning routine because it’s affecting you. Of course, then it will be your fault he’s late because he’s never taken responsibility for _anything_ I’m going to boldly assume.
Ask yourself why you want to stay married to someone so horribly disrespectful
OP, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Complex Sleep Apnea.
If awoken abruptly, I respond like your husband. It's a fight (as in fight/flight/freeze) response due to the physical pain of waking up. I have no control over it and I also don't remember what I do during it. Sometimes, I don't even remember the pain once I'm fully awake. Though usually this is the best way for me to get a migraine or have a really s**t day health wise.
My advice is to talk to a doctor, preferably a sleep doctor. Your husband needs a sleep study done to make sure he doesn't have sleep apnea. Things did get better for me when I got my Bi-pap, though I do have a habit of throwing it across the room in a sleep rage.
The other things your husband can try is going to bed earlier, he may need more sleep than he is getting. He also can try using a watch alarm that will vibrate his wrist gradually until he wakes up. He could also try different alarm sounds and have them ring differently every day, so the sounds are random. Light alarms (like what deaf people use) may also work if he's light sensitive.
Lastly, he may need to change his job so he can work during hours more suitable for him. Not everyone can work a 9-5, some of us have to work earlier or later. I work best between 10am and 10pm.
Throw a cup of water on him every morning from afar. it will wake him up fast and it will encourage him to grow the F up and start sorting his own issues.
Hes abusing you and expecting you to wipe his butt when hes a grown man, then gaslighting you when he abuses you
It is absolutely a possibility that he in fact does not remember. I know it because I experienced it firsthand, when I was a teen I would do it all the time to my mom, even to the point of insulting her and that sure didn’t go well for me…
Nowadays I have it a little more controlled in the sense I don’t insult anymore but I still unconsciously act very annoyed and hostile when my wife tries to wake me up and she has given me crap for it several times already. I try to explain to her that I do not remember anything but I understand it’s not her problem.
He absolutely KNOWS what he is doing. He has been doing for so long ...and probably with other partners and parents...do you really think for a second that he is not aware? He is abusing you and he enjoys it thoroughly. It is gaslighting to the highest degree. You are living with a monster. His job is the least of your concerns.
Just want to chime in and say that I act similarly when someone tries to wake me up. I truly do not remember this. He's not gaslighting you. I think he needs to find a way to wake up by himself and you should stop helping him because this lashing out cannot be changed. He is asleep when he does it. He is not doing it on purpose, I promise you.
In my case, when I act like this and don't manage to wake up in the morning is because I subsconsciously don't care about it. He doesn't care about his job enough, basically. It's not your responsibility. Record him next time and show it to him and explain to him he needs to find a way to wake up.
I think he knows he gets away with being cruel under the pretense of being half asleep. Even if he were not aware a normal person would apologise and try to find ways to not make it happen.
He just pretends to not remember and like it's not a big deal.
He has a sleep disorder - this is serious. Get him to a doctor that specializes in this. This is not a relationship issue but a medical issue. Please record him, so he can see it for himself. He needs to get help and maybe that is the only way. Good luck !
He put the responsibility of keeping his job on you. Give it back to him. Tell him that you are not going to be is morning alarm and punching bag anymore. He’s a grown man and you are not his mommy.
Record him the next time you wake him up. Show him the video and tell him he needs to sort this out because you are falling out of love with him as a result of this *abuse.* Then tell him you’re not waking him up anymore, for the sake of your marriage.
Make him go to bed early, like a fucking child, because he acts like one.
Do not do the shoulder rub wakeup. Ever. It's rage inducing even in a healthy relationship, which you don't have.
I'd like to tell you it gets better, but honestly, it doesn't. Heavy sleepers burn jobs and relationships to the ground, and there honestly isn't much that can be done to fix it other than a strict sleep regiment that they will come to resent deeply.
You gave me a good laugh as it would be a rare man who would see that as sa.
But, yea, if he might be violent that would be really bad. You might bite something.
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Record this process. Place the phone / camera in a location where you definitely capture the entire thing. For example, make sure you’re far enough back, but close enough to hear everything. And if he tends to get physical with you, place the phone on a stable surface rather than holding it. Do it for a solid week so there’s no way he can excuse it as a one time thing. Then show him the videos and don’t let him gaslight you. Let him know that you gave it your best shot, but you cannot be a part of this process anymore because it’s downright abusive and it’s causing you to fall out of love with him. See how he responds and go from there.
I find it hard to believe he doesn't remember doing it. It's not like he falls back asleep, he gets up and takes a shower. I get pretty irritated if I'm woken up early by accident on a work day but I definitely don't talk like that or assault people. And what is she, his fucking mother? His job is his responsibility. She went out of her way to help him but now he's pinning the success of his job on her. From this post it doesn't seem like he has any illness or disability that makes it difficult for him to wake. He just can't grow the fuck up, put a bunch of alarms on, go to bed earlier, or whatever it is the rest of us have to do to get up and do our jobs.
I'm the same way. I don't remember it. Once my bf recorded me and I could not believe my eyes. He is basically more asleep than awake when he does this. Agreed on the second paragraph, he needs to wake up by himself.
That in and of itself is not exactly why I disbelieve him. It's the lack of concern for calling her names and pushing her that makes it suspect to me, in addition to the attitude of "well even so you still need to wake me up so I don't get fired". My mom will be "awake" and respond to me with complete answers. But then forget it even happened, much less what we discussed. To me though the thing is, she falls back asleep after the conversation. It's wild to me someone can lash out so aggressively and go take a shower but not remember the 5 minutes prior to the shower. Without a disability. My guess when being shown it however you did not respond so flippantly as he did.
I agree with this. If he claims to have no knowledge of it and you believe him, then it sounds like he's doing this while still asleep. Talk to him about it ahead of time and express your concern that he has a sleep problem and you are going to record the events of you waking him up so he can see it for himself. I'd also encourage you/him to talk to his doctor about this and find a sleep specialist.
Agree. He seems to be reacting without even knowing it
Yes, but you must get his consent before doing this, which he is unlikely to give, because it would create proof of his behavior.
Lol she’s not taking him to court, she’s just trying to show him his own behavior Lmao
Wait, what? One has to get their spouse’s consent to record them?
that depends on whether you want to insert new problems on top of the old ones. and/or give them something to shift the focus of the conversation back onto what you did instead of the behaviour you were recording. it's like looking through their phone.. maybe you find something that proves your suspicions, but it also create a new issue with your breach of privacy.
depends on where they are, but possibly yes. he should be fine with that since he’s sure it’s not happening
What? It’s to show him not a judge. You can record anything.
Why would consent be needed? I haven't heard of a situation where you would need consent to film your spouse let alone in your own home. But I guess it would depend on country and location.
Actually consent is very important in regard to filming especially in the bedroom and vulnerable situations. I think the difference is showing HIM that he’s abusing HER. Filming is often done for exploitation without consent. The flip side is to document abuse without consent to film. So in loving and equitable cases, consent is needed or there could be legal repercussions.
He needs to see a sleep specialist. Having you wake him up only to be cussed out might seem like a solution to him, but it sucks for you. If a sleep specialist isn't feasible, then multiple alarm clocks. I'd be tempted to record him waking up so that he can't deny his verbal abuse.
Multiple alarms is horrible advice, it keeps the poor hygiene intact. And it's annoying as fuck to everyone but the sleeper. I've dropped roommates over that.
Get one he has to get up and follow to turn it off. She should get up earlier and be out of the bedroom so he can't try to get her to turn it off.
I've had a very difficult time waking up on time for work and the only thing that's helped was setting multiple alarms on my phone and then also getting an alarm clock that goes off every 5 minutes with a light that comes on with each snooze. Thankfully I live alone so I don't have to worry about waking anyone else up but having a physical alarm clock out of arms reach helped so much. That being said, I've never gotten verbally abusive with anyone when I've had to wake up early around them but maybe that's because I'm not an absolute dickhead to people I care about.
> it’s selfish of me to want to stop helping him. No it isn’t. It is not your responsibility to get him up in the morning. If he doesn’t want to lose his job, HE needs to get himself out of bed on time. Stop doing it for him.
This. Jeez, he’s a grown man. This is on him.
He is an adult FFS. He can get himself up on time. He needs to grow up.
Video it. Show him how he acts and insist he seek help. Then, refuse to wake him up until he has his issue under control.
Honestly it sounds like he has a sleep disorder and should get help for that. You should record his behavior, emphasize that you will not be putting up with his half-conscious abuse, even if he doesn't remember it, and that insist he do a sleep study and seek professional advice.
There is no relationship advice here, but I wanted to share the process I built because I had a real problem waking up well and staying awake for most of my adult life. 1. Sunrise simulator alarm clock. Have the sunrise start an hour to half an hour before wakeup time. 2. Alarm clock set to music, a station you like so that your brain will connect to a song right away. Place this across the room. (My sunrise alarm does this.) 3. A normal alarm clock close to the bed to jolt him from deep sleep asap. 4. A lamp on a timer (you can buy these) so that the light will be on when the alarm clocks go off. Is this an absolutely wild setup? Yes. Does it work? Yes. At this point my internal clock has reset, and I don't have problems getting up.
Have you tried the sonic boom alarm?
I haven't, don't think my neighbors would approve. The joys of apartment living. lol
I used to have the issue of sleeping through the alarm or turning it off in my sleep. I lost a job in my 20s and nearly lost one in my 30s due to it. Turns out I have sleep apnea. Getting a CPAP made all the difference. I’m now actually rested when my alarm goes off so it’s much easier to get up. I still agree with the other commenters that you need to record this behavior. Otherwise there’s a very good chance that he’s never going to believe that he needs more help than you should have to provide.
I think you need to record waking him up so he can see for himself. You aren’t being unkind by not wanting to wake him since he’s verbally abusive. He needs multiple styles of alarm clocks, and one for the deaf that vibrates the bed might be the best one of all. I would also consider putting an alarm clock in a large pot or in the shower so that the alarm is amplified and echoes. Last, he absolutely must get a sleep study done and possibly see if a neuropsychiatrist referral would be recommended. If the only time he is this much of a jerk is when woken up and he swears he’s not, either he’s lying and gaslighting you, or there’s something going on with the state he’s in when he wakes up that isn’t right and hopefully is correctable.
Tell him clearly that he's being abusive both verbally, emotionally, and physically. Is he having trouble falling asleep? Is he someone that scrolls endlessly before sleep? Is he staying up late? Get him to a doctor and accompany him during the visit, like sit there side by side with him to talk to the doctor so he can't lie to you. I hope this can get resolved for you
Why can’t he wake up for an alarm? Is he going to bed too late? Some kind of sleep disorder? Things like sleep apnea can cause you to be exhausted and unable to wake up. If it’s generic not going to bed on time, melatonin or certain anti-histamines, along with reducing screen time and dimming the lights in the evening can help reset his schedule. These are all things he needs to look into. No you don’t just suck it up and take the verbal abuse. Even if this is something he’s doing unintentionally it’s still on him to find a solution, not you.
I’ll be honest and say if my partner acted like this I would leave. First, he is putting the responsibility on you to wake him up. Secondly, he is also taking out his frustration on you and then at the end he gets to play ignorant and oops, it’s just my sleep problem you’re working with me on. He’d be sleeping alone in a room with his final warning and losing his job as his wake up call with me.
videotape it
He CAN change. Record it and embarrass him. He needs to rewire his brain and gtfu
Stop waking him up. If.he doesn't believe you get it on video. And dude needs to do a sleep study, that's not normal
What time is he going to sleep? Is he a bad snorer?
You’re married to a man child. I would have cringed at being asked to wake him up, what would happen if you weren’t there? Would he be jobless? Homeless? He’s an adult man and this is pathetic.
Not only is he on the verge of losing his job but he is also verbally and physically abusive when you try to wake him up then says that he doesn't remember being that way. You need a come to Jesus moment with this guy and tell him that he needs to get help for this or you get a divorce.
Don't wake him up anymore. You are not his dog to kick. Set multiple alarms, 10 minutes apart. Then one last one that is different. I find that music coming on is a pleasant slow wake up. Bottom line is this is his problem. If he gets fired tell him to go see a doctor. Do not let him abuse you anymore.
Unless he has a brain tumor or something, it's almost inconceivable that he doesn't remember his own behavior. Set up your phone on a nearby dresser and video the whole thing. Then tell him he either agrees to counseling or you're done. You're not obligated to wake up this manbaby like you're his mommy and he's seven years old.
I used to be like this. Former boyfriends, roommates and my daughter all confirmed it and teased me about it. My current partner used to gently shake my leg/foot to wake me, afraid I'd come out swinging. I'm not sure why it happened, or what it was that stopped it (recently, last couple years), though I could write a book on the trauma and abuse I've encountered from early childhood through adulthood, so I'd guess that it has something to do with that and therapy would be a good idea.
No. You absolutely DO NOT have to accept verbal abuse from someone who is supposed to love you. Record it and show it to him - but when you do, tell him that is the LAST time you will accept that behavior from him. His choice now is to agree to stop ("but Honey, I'm still asleep I don't know what I'm doing" is NOT an acceptable excuse), He can wake himself up if that's the case, or he can find someone else to put up with his sht. Just be ready to follow through. He needs to develop some strategies - like GOING TO BED EARLIER, setting a series of alarms (my husband starts his alarm cycles two hours before he has to get up. It used to drive me bats! but it was what he needed to wake up. These days it's not a felony for him to be late to work, and he has far more reasonable hours. (Yes, it did interfere with my own rest, and he'd try to give me hell for sleeping in - but I'd point out that He went to bed an hour before the kids' bedtime, and woke me up two hours before he got out of bed, when he was out the door a full hour and a half before I needed to get up to keep the kids on their schedules - so I deserved the extra sleep when I could get it).
He's 28 and he is responsible for getting up on time. Stop waking him up and break up with this asshole. My husband always gets himself up for work. He has to be there by 5:30. Not once in 26 years has he ever expected me to wake him up. I would video record him so he can see what he's doing although I think he's just gaslighting you.
Air horn. Because fuck that guy.
I have a sneaking suspicion that if you told him you were going to leave him over this, he would magically stop with the verbal abuse. At least for a time. Does he have a sleep disorder - possibly. Does he like to vent his frustration on you and then pretend it never happened - definitely. We give ourselves permission to act in the way we want, even when tired. Wishing you the best.
This happened to me once with a long-term boyfriend who I’d have to wake up at 3am to go to his night shift job. It escalated into him shoving me out of bed/pushing me against walls/storming out of my house and yelling at me to fuck off when I’d try to wake him up or remind him that he had to leave for work after his alarm kept going off. There was no way I could have done things “the right way” to occur without him blowing up at me. Somehow he managed to get himself up for his job on the days we didn’t hang out, so I’m not sure how it became my job when we did, but it was a terrible thing. I stopped letting him sleep over at my house when it became a pattern, which angered him further because he felt like I was pushing him away, gradually leading up to the end of our relationship. This is literally abuse. Even if he doesn’t remember it and gets sad when you talk about reaching a point of not waking him up anymore. If this was you or I, we’d likely come up with outside solutions for other alarms or awakening techniques instead of burdening someone else with the task to be our wake up call. He’s older than you and needs to sink or swim in figuring this out. You can’t be yelled at or shoved or treated with cruelty. One last thing: It’s not your fault if he loses his job if you do stop waking him up.
Has he gone to a dr?
Get a LOUD alarm that doesn't stop until your turn it off, put it across the room from him, so he has to get up to turn it off. You, leave the room when the alarm goes off, leave him to deal with it, or just don't share a bed/room to sleep during weekdays.
Do you have a water gun? Fill one and get him while you're standing out of reach so he can't get your back. Should wake him up and you're in the clear.
UpdateMe!
Everyone has a diagnosis from being just a pain ole abuser to a jerk but what you need is for him to go to a sleep specialist and get tested for a sleep disorder. People would be very surprised at some of the things that are affected by these disorders. At least give it a chance before writing him off.
I know people are saying there’s no way he can’t remember. For what it’s worth when I wake my daughter up she will interact, talk with me and won’t remember. It’s like she’s physically up but doesn’t mentally wake up for a few minutes. It’s weird.
You don’t have to try and make out you made the right choice of husband by saying he’s “loving” in other areas. If he was that great outside of this issue, you wouldn’t feel like you were falling out of love with him. He’s gaslighting you and being abusive and he’s doing it because he knows he can do that with you. You’re not responsible as his alarm clock. He’s an adult man. Refuse to be part of his morning routine because it’s affecting you. Of course, then it will be your fault he’s late because he’s never taken responsibility for _anything_ I’m going to boldly assume. Ask yourself why you want to stay married to someone so horribly disrespectful
Is he like this with any other things? How does he usually react when you say no to anything?
OP, I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Complex Sleep Apnea. If awoken abruptly, I respond like your husband. It's a fight (as in fight/flight/freeze) response due to the physical pain of waking up. I have no control over it and I also don't remember what I do during it. Sometimes, I don't even remember the pain once I'm fully awake. Though usually this is the best way for me to get a migraine or have a really s**t day health wise. My advice is to talk to a doctor, preferably a sleep doctor. Your husband needs a sleep study done to make sure he doesn't have sleep apnea. Things did get better for me when I got my Bi-pap, though I do have a habit of throwing it across the room in a sleep rage. The other things your husband can try is going to bed earlier, he may need more sleep than he is getting. He also can try using a watch alarm that will vibrate his wrist gradually until he wakes up. He could also try different alarm sounds and have them ring differently every day, so the sounds are random. Light alarms (like what deaf people use) may also work if he's light sensitive. Lastly, he may need to change his job so he can work during hours more suitable for him. Not everyone can work a 9-5, some of us have to work earlier or later. I work best between 10am and 10pm.
Throw a cup of water on him every morning from afar. it will wake him up fast and it will encourage him to grow the F up and start sorting his own issues. Hes abusing you and expecting you to wipe his butt when hes a grown man, then gaslighting you when he abuses you
> Screaming at me to go away or "LEAVE!", saying "f*** you b****", Screaming in SLEEP??????
It is absolutely a possibility that he in fact does not remember. I know it because I experienced it firsthand, when I was a teen I would do it all the time to my mom, even to the point of insulting her and that sure didn’t go well for me… Nowadays I have it a little more controlled in the sense I don’t insult anymore but I still unconsciously act very annoyed and hostile when my wife tries to wake me up and she has given me crap for it several times already. I try to explain to her that I do not remember anything but I understand it’s not her problem.
He absolutely KNOWS what he is doing. He has been doing for so long ...and probably with other partners and parents...do you really think for a second that he is not aware? He is abusing you and he enjoys it thoroughly. It is gaslighting to the highest degree. You are living with a monster. His job is the least of your concerns.
Damn, what's he going to be like if you ever have kids
Just want to chime in and say that I act similarly when someone tries to wake me up. I truly do not remember this. He's not gaslighting you. I think he needs to find a way to wake up by himself and you should stop helping him because this lashing out cannot be changed. He is asleep when he does it. He is not doing it on purpose, I promise you. In my case, when I act like this and don't manage to wake up in the morning is because I subsconsciously don't care about it. He doesn't care about his job enough, basically. It's not your responsibility. Record him next time and show it to him and explain to him he needs to find a way to wake up.
When is he going to bed?
I think he knows he gets away with being cruel under the pretense of being half asleep. Even if he were not aware a normal person would apologise and try to find ways to not make it happen. He just pretends to not remember and like it's not a big deal.
He has a sleep disorder - this is serious. Get him to a doctor that specializes in this. This is not a relationship issue but a medical issue. Please record him, so he can see it for himself. He needs to get help and maybe that is the only way. Good luck !
He put the responsibility of keeping his job on you. Give it back to him. Tell him that you are not going to be is morning alarm and punching bag anymore. He’s a grown man and you are not his mommy.
Record him the next time you wake him up. Show him the video and tell him he needs to sort this out because you are falling out of love with him as a result of this *abuse.* Then tell him you’re not waking him up anymore, for the sake of your marriage.
Make him go to bed early, like a fucking child, because he acts like one. Do not do the shoulder rub wakeup. Ever. It's rage inducing even in a healthy relationship, which you don't have. I'd like to tell you it gets better, but honestly, it doesn't. Heavy sleepers burn jobs and relationships to the ground, and there honestly isn't much that can be done to fix it other than a strict sleep regiment that they will come to resent deeply.
Is he your Dominant if you need his consent??... I would try sleeping in another room
What??
Have you tried BJs? (That’s half tongue in cheek)
Oh sure, I'll just sexually assault my sleeping husband who frequently reacts with violence upon being woken up. Great advice. /s
You gave me a good laugh as it would be a rare man who would see that as sa. But, yea, if he might be violent that would be really bad. You might bite something.