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I could be your mother. Let’s see…..
My 29 year old daughter is with a guy who could be her father. I would not be thrilled.
My old son-in-law (probably my age or very close) accuses my daughter of cheating when she gets pregnant. I would not be thrilled.
This guy then leaves my pregnant daughter and stresses her out to the point that she’s hospitalized. I would not be thrilled.
Then he says “Sorry,” and it’s as if nothing happened. I would not be thrilled.
Having said all of that, they should not be speaking negatively of your child’s father in your presence or in the child’s presence. That needs to be shut down. However, if I were your mother, I would NEVER forgive him for what he did to my daughter. I would tell you to never expect me to be warm to him. I would tolerate him for your sake and your child’s sake, but that’s it.
I hope your husband is really as great as he’s acting now. Good luck.
I still wear a mask because my rbf is so bad and my tables (I’m a server) always tell me to smile (also I’m immunocompromised). My tips have improved because people can’t tell I look angry. But the biggest benefit is I can mouth “what the fuck”, among other things, and no one has any idea.
I worked in fast food during covid, sometimes you needed a good foul mouthed moment to yourself.
I was also trying to learn the local language and to speak it better, and doing weird mouth shapes invisibly behind the mask helped with that!
This. Honestly, OP needs to learn that you cannot make someone else like or forgive someone. So stop expecting this, because it's out of your control and not something you can ask of your family.
Your family's dislike of him is a direct result of his choices and actions.
Dont expect anyone to forgive how he has acted- instead, expect him to work hard to earn their trust as well as yours and for his actions to match his words. He needs to show he's changed.
A good man would know why he's in your family's bad books after the shit he pulled.
Yep OP should expect him to want to earn trust of his in laws back …. It will help later on when the child is older … and show his love and that he was an idiot … science is not perfect… only one thing is 100% prevents babies …
All of this! Polite is the best she can expect but the negativity needs to end when around OP and the baby. The family can think and say whatever they want everywhere else
I too am old enough to be her mother and agree with everything you said.
I’ll add one more for OP.
*I would never trust him and I would be concerned about controlling or coercive behaviour. So I would make an effort to be quietly in the background. Not talking shit about him - even though I wouldn’t forgive or forget, and I would be watching and waiting. Being part of your life and keeping my mouth shut. I may even ensure I have a small fund so you can leave at short notice if necessary.*
*I would not alert you to this though because I want you to be able to approach me and ask for help without any fear of me saying “I told you so” which I would never do*
I’ll add my best wishes to you OP.
I also hope he has really changed.
FWIW, I married an older man. He did not want kids but accepted I did. He loved them but his behaviour towards me and one of them became problematic and he is now my ex. He has made big improvements and has a relationship with both kids and we coparent ok although he is hard to deal with at times. I carry all the weight of parenting - always have and I guess always will. He’s more a somewhat supporting role. I wish I’d chosen a different man but I would not want to be without my kids. They are everything to me.
I wish someone had a small fund for me so I could have left my older husband who was financially abusive. Honestly, your comment made me cry.
But it’s all good now. I left him, remarried to a man who is my best friend. Got a great therapist. Life is good 🥰
He had never wanted them before he met me, he didn’t think he would marry either, but after we got together said he was ok with having them. He changed his mind but it was due to my wanting them if you see what I mean. If he had met someone who didn’t want them I am sure he wouldn’t have had any.
So he agreed, both times. He wanted to try for the second before I did. He loves them and they are the most important thing in his life. He’s still hard work though. Nothing to do with the kids, it’s more his personality.
This is a great response. In addition I would like to add that your family has viewed his pattern of abandoning you when you need support the most. What happens if you accidentally get pregnant again, or endure any stress he hasn’t planned for? He will be gone. That’s why your family is not happy. They can see through his act. He sounds like a narcissistic love bomber, how you go from NEVER wanting kids to being the perfect dad and spouse. It’s not real, his true colours will come through again during your next big stressor he didn’t plan for. He’s old enough to know better.
I would never forgive him. It’s your right to manage your child’s relationship with your family. That said, if I was your mother, I would make it explicit that this person is not welcome in my home and if you want me to have a relationship with your kid, then you and your kid are welcome. I wouldn’t talk badly about the husband in their presence but I would make it clear the husband is never to be in my presence again.
It's ok for you to have those boundaries but if your "child" ever agreed to them it would be disrespectful to their S.O. and they may end up deciding that being in their marriage/relationship is more important than visiting you so be ready for very few very far between visits and either NC or LC....
Amen - I was thinking all of the same things.
The only thing that helps redeem him a bit is that he did the right thing for someone who is serious about not wanting children in the future & had a vasectomy. I can imagine how shocked and horrified he must have been to learn you were pregnant anyway.
I would hate his old butt for the rest of my days if that were my daughter. I agree about not saying things about him in front of the child. But, would be Antarctica cold with him, forever. Polite-ish. But icy.
Everything this woman said. You can forgive him, but he honestly preyed on you or you have daddy issues to accept a man that much older. You are expecting your family to pretend, you can; but because they care about you they don’t want you to tolerate this.
I'm sorry but this whole "you shouldn't speak negatively of someone's partner in front of them" thing needs to stop, some people *really* need to hear from a trusted source that the person they're with is a POS if they are one. Especially so from a parent, this guy is trash and the mother knows it.
Only part I agree with it's that shouldn't be done in front of the child because that's just not okay, kids don't need to be involved in adult problems.
It’s one of those things where I’d be nice to op, and let her know I’ll be there for her when things hit the fan. But I’d also distance myself and not be around them as much.
The man is a disgusting pig. No… he should be called out for his disgusting behavior. Silence normalizes his shitty behavior.
It’s 2024 - we are normalizing outing disgusting pigs loudly and viciously.
If he doesn’t want to judged, he shouldn’t be a disgusting pig.
I'm telling you now, your family will never have the love for him that you do. Ever. The age gap probably had them on alert with him in first place, but they dealt with him because they love you. But when he hurt you? And you ended up in the hospital, while pregnant, because of his actions? That was it. He's on their permanent shit list.
You're not going to get them to see him through your love-colored glasses.
The last part. Accurate. This describes OP perfectly. She sees this guy in rose colored lenses and meanwhile the family sees him for the crap that he is. They were likely already alert with the age gap. Now that they witness what’s his capable of, it’s no wonder their on their guard and his on their shit list. OP may be able to decide to take him back and forgive. But nobody in her family is foolish enough to not see what this is.
Trust me, I've been in the family's position.
Like, girl, spare me the lovey-dovey bullshit talk about him and how great he is when I'm the one who had to literally save your life from 16 miles away by phone because he, who was 2 blocks away, couldn't be bothered to help you. I will never, ever, ever see him the way you do. Ever.
I have yet to have this situation within family. But I had a similar experience with a very dear close friend of mine. When I say she sees him through rose colored lenses… OMg. I literally cried tears of frustration every-time she took him back. Remained civil with him and tolerated his presence while I had to listen what he does to my friend to hurt her. The day she FINALLY saw and broke up with him. The relief. I felt traumatized cause it was like I was there the whole way this went down.
Friends, family... same thing when you love the person and you see them in love with a total jackass. There's nothing you can do. Just be there for them.
Even if the guy is abusive you can't say too much or she'll cut off contact. Then when she needs help her pride will prevent her from her calling you and she'll feel trapped.
It's not a good position to be in, that's why OP needs to temper her expectations about her family with him. She also needs to not lose contact with them either. If they tolerate his presence then that's good enough.
It felt like watching a moth go to the flame and u couldn’t stop it from happening. And u can’t force them to decide otherwise cause it’s their life and decision. 🙂↔️ And then u wonder if slapping them might help make them see sense. I swear I debated to do that half the whole time. 🤣 I’ve yet to be stupid in love so maybe I just don’t know till I get in their shoe. But I told my friends to call me out on my BS if I ever
Yep. All you can do is watch it unfold (*praying* that you're wrong and he might surprise you by being a great guy but then things happen exactly as you thought). And then be there for them while they cry.
And then she takes him back.
And, no, you can't slap her. Won't do a lick of good.
Don’t worry. Never did. I always cry instead whenever the urge comes. 🤣 Like Why 👏🏻 are 👏🏻 u 👏🏻 doing 👏🏻this 👏🏻to 👏🏻urself 👏🏻 it’s like watching a movie and ur able to also predict and just know shit before it even happens. Like I said. The whole thing traumatized me in a way. 🤣
I have never hit anyone, but I’ve had exactly the same thoughts - I wonder if I can slap them hard enough to knock some sense into them!
But I know that isn’t how it works, so no hitting, lol. 😏
My sisters husband (same age as her) was always a bit off. Tried too hard to fit in, instead of just being himself and getting accepted for who he is. Turned out he abused her. We helped sister leave him, but with them still having to share custody over the kids, he's upset the family doesn't treat him like we did anymore, it's just cold distance. One guess why, sherlock.
Yes. OP is an adult, and as such, she can decide to forgive her husband. There’s nothing she can do to convince her family (or Reddit) to forgive him.
She can set a boundary, and ask her family to stop talking negatively about him around her. She can tell them that hurts her. She can ask them to leave if they start. They’ll always be entitled to their opinions though, and they may never, ever warm up to him. That’s a consequence of his bad behavior, and there’s nothing she can do about it.
There HAS to be. There is one huge red flag with the age gap, and a hundred little red flags behind that. They are very good at "acting normal" and likeable when they have to.
I totally agree with this. I do think OP can at least ask them to not talk bad around her and the daughter. Just because it’s not good for either of them. Negativity is just not great. They should just get ready to catch if it all falls apart again and make good memories in the mean time.
You can't make your family do anything. You may want then to forgive him, but they got hurt in all of this too, and you have to respect that.
From their perspective, you got hurt badly at your most vulnerable time in your life. That hurt you, and they love you, so that hurt them by extension because they love and care for you. Now you and a new baby are in this situation, and it can turn quickly, and you could possibly get hurt worse. They have a right to be angry and concerned that they may have to live through this situation again.
I mean, you have a daughter now. Imagine if she brought home a man 20+ years older than her and did this to her - put her in the hospital while pregnant because he couldn't get over himself then she forgives him and acts like its all good- do you think you would have an easy time of forgiving that husband and trusting he wouldnt hurt her?
He may treat you like a queen now but I hate to say that is a classic part of abuse - they swing to extremes - they can love with incredibly big hearts but also turn on you and there is no line they won't cross when they feel wronged. That is the part that makes families cautious. He has been swinging to extremes. Only time will help this, but it will be hard for them to ever fully trust him. Give them space, and he needs to build a history of being an adult that doesn't go to extremes all the time.
If someone did this to one of my siblings, I would never forgive them and I would be slightly disappointed in my sibling for not having more self-respect than to stay with someone who treated them so horribly.
Being beaten down to the point OPs daughter is at, isn't a matter of her having self respect or not, it's her reacting to the deliberate trauma he's inflicting to keep her in his grasp. Leaving an abuser is the most deadly time for any woman, the chances of murder increase dramatically, so staying might be better than dying, and we wouldn't know from the outside. It'd look like the same thing.
If you ever do find yourself as the friend or family member of a victim of domestic violence, here's some tips. The best thing to do to help a victim of DV is keep communication open with them and don't attack their abusers no matter how much you want to; it just drives the victims closer towards their abusers and away from you. Communication with victims of domestic violence is key, abuse occurs more with increased victim isolation.
The victims chances of successful escape go up with increased sizes of support networks. So be a support structure. Be a reprieve. But they're in love with this person, it's going to hurt them to hear anything bad about their abusers from you. Be in a loving, kind relationship with them, even though they might upset you with staying with their abuser.
He made them worry and work. They dropped things to care for OP because he hurt her. He made them try to clean up his emotional mess.
Are they going to have to come in to pick her up when he drops her… again.
No forgiveness is too much to ask.
Look, whatever you do keep in contact with your family. This guy subjected you to some extreme emotional abuse while you were at your most vulnerable. There is nothing to stop him from being even worse now that he has love bombed you into thinking he will always treat you like a queen. It took you being hospitalized for him to come back and at least try to work with you while you were, again, at your most vulnerable.
Your family is going to be your only life-line when his abusive behaviors return. And they will return. They are probably building right now but you are blind to it because love bombing is a hell of a drug. Your family has a right to be furious with him. And you can't dictate when they "get over" that anger. You can set boundaries about what they are allowed to say to him in his home, but you can't tell them how to feel about them.
Just keep connected to them because when this comes crashing down again, they will be the support you and your daughter need to keep moving.
i mean the way he went about it was 100% wrong and i’m not defending him in any way, but if you just single out the request for a paternity test, that really is not the most insane request since he has a vasectomy and at least *says* he had a sperm count done recently. he’s wrong for everything else though, including how he went about that and not giving her the benefit of the doubt until he could prove her innocence.
Why didn’t you guys get a prenatal paternity test? Seems cruel to make you endure an entire pregnancy to wait to test for paternity when you can do it before the birth anyway.
The doctor told him "low chance"
... that doesn't mean zero. If your chances of conceiving are 1/1,000 every instance you have sex, it's pretty easy to hit those odds after a few years of marriage.
Yeah, feels like there were a lot of routes they both could've taken before "you've definitely cheated and I'm not claiming parental responsibility, plus I want a divorce". That is, if this is a real story.
I don't think this is real because of that key detail tbh, I don't see how neither of them knew/asked if a pre natal paternity test was a thing since it was SUCH a concern that divorce was on the table.
That whole, "He didn't want to cause any woman that kind of pain" is absolute bullshit. If he was genuinely such a caring and thoughtful and compassionate person, then his entire approach to OP's surprise pregnancy would have been vastly different.
That whole thing is just a disingenuous line that a gross old man told the young woman he wanted to get with, to make himself sound good.
Yeah they have absolutely nothing in common. He’s extremely immature (shocker) and no woman his age would ever take him. Op was hot tail and she liked the attention. This is weird af. No 30 should get with a damn 50 yo
She was probably vulnerable, wanted someone who seemed to be stable and have their life figured out. Probably some love bombing, maybe she got out of another relationship and he said all the right things. They seek out the vulnerable and young on purpose.
As someone who is leaving an abusive marriage. Keep contact with your family, put money aside for yourself and baby. Don’t mix finances with him, if they’re mixed then unmix it slowly. He was emotionally abusive towards you. You want to forgive him, I understand completely bc I did the same damn thing. It does not get better.
My ex ‘tried so hard and apologized’ for the stuff he put me through. You know what actually happened? He gaslit me and made me feel crazy for not ‘appreciating everything he’s done’ which was in fact simply bare minimum of mowing the grass and keeping a gps tracker on his phone so I could see he wasn’t cheating. They know you deserve better you just don’t realize it yet.
But double check the store, some will specific withdraw it under a different transaction and it still shows up. I learned this at my local grocery the hard way
Has he ever apologized to your family for deserting you? I still can’t forgive my son’s bully 8 years later and they’re friends now, it would take a lot for me to forgive my child’s spouse doing what yours did. This is the bed he made, it’s up to him to lay in it and this is consequence he’s facing. Your family may never forgive him.
You don’t get to decide for your family that he deserves forgiveness. You want to forgive an old man who abandons his young wife and mentally abuses her into the point of needing hospitalization then that’s your choice, but you don’t get to tell your family how to feel. They saw him for who he was and what he did and they wanted better for you.
He was so worried about the risk of post-Partum mental health issues that your husband called you a cheater and threatened divorce? But it’s all ok now because it was just fear and now he’s loving and caring.
Your husband deserves an Oscar for the acting job he’s doing. Expect continual repeats of this cycle — withdraws emotional support, launches accusations at you, then returns with apologies and blames some fear for his behavior.
If I was your family member, I would not forgive him either. And I’d be talking to you and having a go bag and a backup plan ready now that you know what he’s capable of doing to you.
Right?
>I told them that his sister was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because after having her baby she developed postpartum depression, and he always said that he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves,
But he caused OP so much pain that she ended up in the hospital.
This guy is full of shit up to the hairline.
OP is 29. Her family can't make her choices for her, no matter how distressing it is to see her reconcile with somebody who is so clearly a bad choice. I hope they can learn to be civil to him, because I'm pretty sure she's going to need her family. A lot.
Her family is probably never going to like him or respect him again. OP should be able to understand that. How would she feel, in the future, about an older man who treated her daughter that way? The best thing she can hope for is that they agree to pretend.
When OP is fifty — if they stay together and he lives that long — she's going to have a daughter in college and an unpleasant, elderly husband who needs to be driven to the doctor and have her remind him to take his pills. She's chosen a hard road.
A lot of the men in my family have had vasectomies. Every single one of them knew that pregnancy was still *possible.* I had an uncle who wasn't even a nice person, but when his wife thought she was pregnant years after his vasectomy — it turned out to be a false alarm — even he never accused her of adultery.
I didn’t misread. Highly doubtful is not the same as impossible and there are ways to see if the highly doubtful but possible thing happened before accusing your spouse of cheating.
As a mom, it’s not gonna happen. You’re dating a grandpa who accused you of cheating and broke up with you when you got pregnant. People don’t change and that bridge is burned.
Honey don’t throw away your life for a man who could be your father. You seem like a really sweet woman who can be taken advantage of. Reading your post I see so many red flags. Please listen to your family.
Why are you with someone who that is 20+ years your senior? Did you ever think that there’s a reason why a 51 year old man wants someone so much younger than he is?
If your husband is genuinely as loving and as changed as you think he is, then your family will come to see that over time. You can’t demand that they forgive him. Watching your daughter sacrifice having children to marry a guy 20 years older than her and then watch him abandon her in the hospital when *his* vasectomy failed….I could forgive a lot for myself, but I don’t think I could forgive that for my daughter.
I’ve been really thinking about how abusive partners alienate their victims. Sometimes it’s a blatant prohibition—you will not see those people. Sometimes it’s picking fights. But a lot of the time it’s stuff exactly like this. The abuser mistreats his partner, then sweet talks his way back in. And the family simply can’t accept someone who treats their daughter, sister, niece, best friend that way. So they take a step back and watch and wait.
I hope that you’re right and he’s a changed man. If he’s not, I hope you realize it sooner rather than later and remove yourself and your daughter safely.
You get to decide whether to forgive him or not, but equally your family get to decide whether to respect him or not: That is 100% not your call.
You have 2 options: 1. Agree to disagree or 2. Go NC, you have zero rights to demand they respect him (especially in the light of his behaviour).
You can't blame your family's feelings for how they feel about your husband. They love you, and they can see how this relationship isn't going to end well. You can't change how they feel about him. But you can stand your ground and kick them out of your home when they start to talk bad about your husband.
He didn't wanna cause any woman pain via PPD but managed to do it all by himself anyway. If he was clear from the start that he didn't want any child and you AGREED to it, then this should have been the end of your relationship, and all those accusations and going back and forth shouldn't have happened. Why did he do a complete 180 on having children after confirming his paternity? And are you 100% sure that he's gonna love and be an active parent for your child? I would worry more about that before worrying about whatever your family thinks of this.
It's not when he discovered he was the dad, it happened when she got hospitalised, if I correctly understood.... I don't want to defend him of course, he abandoned her when she needed him the most, but I might understand his side as well, a little, of course this doesn't mean that he had the right to do what he did.
Respectfully, I disagree. Your husband can be genuinely apologetic, an amazing father and husband, AND deserve all the bad treatment he’s getting from people who love you. They didn’t see the groveling, and even nine full months of groveling wouldn’t be enough for me to forgive someone I don’t love for hurting someone I do love when she’s at her most vulnerable. He proved his apology is genuine to you, and that’s all that matters to you. There is nothing wrong with that, but they’re not obligated to feel the same way. They also don’t need to respect him. Respect is earned, and he has not earned it, in their opinion.
That being said, they shouldn’t be shit talking your husband in front of your child. That’s not good for the child, whom they presumably love, no matter how they feel about the husband. That is a boundary you draw as a parent. You don’t need them to respect your husband, but they must at least be cordial in front of your baby. And if they don’t respect that, don’t invite them over. Shut the door in their face and ignore their invitations until they learn to behave themselves.
I’m team your family.
Girl. What the fuck.
He’s old as shit and abandoned you and your unborn kid.
What’s to stop him from doing that again when things get tough.
Enjoy your geriatric husband who has no qualms leaving his pregnant wife I guess
>What can I do so that they understand that it was my decision to forgive him and that I want them to respect him?
They understand.
THEY DON'T CARE.
They see what you REFUSE to. He's an asshole. There's a reason men go after women half their age: they're easy to manipulate...and you're playing right into his hands.
Wake up.
This
Your family sees what you don't see.
I **hope** your husband has changed his way, and that you and your child are safe. But I strongly urge you to not break contact with your family. You may need their support in the future.
So did he actually get a vasectomy or he is saying he is "too old" to make kids because those are two very different things.
I wouldn't forgive him either because he sounds like he lies way too much and blames others for it.
I wouldn't talk bad about him though, I just wouldn't acknowledge him beyond being a parent.
Honestly your family members are free to do what they like, you can't control them but you can control who has access to your household and child. If they won't cut off the bad mouthing tell them to not visit as often or at all. Once they start the bad mouthing you should ask them to leave your home..
"his sister was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because after having her baby she developed postpartum depression, and he always said that he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves"
I Call Bull Shit, this was NOT the reason!! How can they respect him when he is a liar?
This is the most obvious red flag in the post. Like the guy left her and put her through a hell of a lot of turmoil, he can’t turn around and say ‘I didn’t want someone I love to suffer like that’ when he caused a whole lot of other suffering.
Lol he’s 22 years older than you, they’re not angry with him for treating you like shit and leaving, they’re angry with him for doing that *and coming back*
So your husband is horrible and your family is looking out for you. Why are you so dumb? Like this man got you pregnant and abandoned you. Your family is right and you need to reevaluate a lot of things. Would you want your daughter to be in this type of relationship when she is grown?
Another day, another wildly inappropriate age gap and controlling hideously behaved husband.
If you were my sister I would never speak to your husband again unless absolutely necessary. If you were my child, I would be heartbroken. You deserve better.
This is the grandpa-aged man you want raising your kid? The one who literally abused you so mentally badly that you were hospitalized? Really? The inheritance better be really good.
He has to earn their respect and that doesn't happen overnight. He has to consistently prove over a long period of time that he's a good father and husband. He has to put in the work. This isn't on you, it's on him. I highly suspect he won't do that though and he'll end up proving them right. A man who truly doesn't want kids looks for a woman who can't or doesn't want them. He could have dated women his own age who were past their childbearing years. Instead, he chose to pursue a young, fertile, woman who wanted kids and pushed her into agreeing to give up her dreams. That's not exactly good husband material. Your family is right to be wary of him. So, again, it's on him to prove them wrong.
ETA: Stop feeding them his claim that his sister had PPD and he wanted to avoid giving a woman that. They see that's just a bullshit line he's feeding you and someday you'll see it too.
I very much doubt they will forgive him. I am honestly doubting your sanity for giving him another chance after what he did. I also feel intense sympathy for your child. I really cannot see how someone who did something that appalling could ever redeem themselves after.
Did he apologise to them?,
If someone abused my most cherished daughter that way I would be disappointed that she’d lost her self respect.
He had no right, and there is no legitimate reason for that kind of behaviour.
As a mother I would not be forgiving that man unless he came to my home to make peace, and have a pretty good reason for his behaviour.
Do you think your lovely supportive husband would stick around if you or your child were to become very sick, say with cancer, or have a terrible accident? Or would he get scared and abandon you again. I would never trust him again if I were you but if I were your family I could never forgive him for his treatment of you and your child.
I wouldn't forgive either, but I also wouldn't stay with someone who had the audacity to get me pregnant then accuse me of cheating and put me through the stress of being abandoned while pregnant.
If he wanted a woman who couldn't get pregnant maybe he should have dated someone his own age who would have likely been menopausal or close to it.
Why should your family forgive him? Like realistically they know him as the guy that hospitalized their daughter. What do they gain from from giving him another chance but the opportunity to hurt you again?
Also him being 20 years older than you is creepy af so there is probably little chance of that.
Idk. My first relationship was abusive and it rings all the bells. He's a self absorbed asshole who thinks his truth is the ONLY truth. So no way can a vasectomy fail, ofc you cheated. He treats you awful in a situation where you are already vulnerable and then lovebombs you into forgiveness. Believe me, next battle you two will have to fight, he won't be on your side either. You're old enough to start to see things for what they are and that this guy is full of shit.
Echoing other commenters who said that if you choose to stay, keep in contact with your family because he will up his abuse at some point.
Wishing you all the strength.
Edit. I wish I had your family, mine was all team dude because you don't break up a marriage.
This whole thing is a mess.
You decided to marry a man 20 years your senior who explicitly told you he didn’t want kids and that it was a deal breaker for him.
You married him anyway, got pregnant, decided to keep it despite knowing it was a deal breaker for him. Which is totally fine, you have a right to change your mind, but then…
You were SHOCKED and blindsided by the fact that he wanted a divorce. Despite telling you up front it was a deal breaker. To the point that you spiraled so hard you ended up needing to be hospitalized.
He was an ass to you and accused you of cheating. You are so immature you can’t grok that deal breakers have deal breaking implications.
You both suck frankly and I feel bad for this kid.
Here’s some advice: If having a family is important to you don’t “sacrifice” that for a guy and expect him to change his mind later. There are some things that are just fundamental incompatibilities and while it may suck the mature thing to do is know where your own values lie. You have a lot of growing to do OP to be there for this kid. Guy is being great now but even if he sticks around he’s old and won’t be able to be the dad you’ve likely dreamed about for your kids. Prepare yourself now for how you’d handle him having a major health event while needing to care for a child. Like, really prepare. You cannot afford to just spiral out of control when predictable things happen because of choices you made. Your kid deserves better than that.
I believe you’re living in delulu land. How you forgave him is beyond me and completely WILD. I’d do the paternity test then put him on child support lol. Men do these things because they know women and much more forgiving.
Trust and forgiveness takes time. It can’t be rushed. If he continues to be a good father and husband, they may forgive him in time.
In the meantime, you can tell them you understand their feelings but they need to respect your choice. If they have anything negative to say about your husband, ask they keep it to themselves. And they can’t be rude to him in front of your daughter.
That’s really all you can do.
Oof.
Okay, I'm not going to address at all whether you *should* have forgiven him. That's your choice and it doesn't sound like you or your child are in danger, so staying with him is your prerogative.
You should tell your family, "I understand why you're angry at Husband. He acted terribly. But we have worked through it and I have chosen to forgive him and move on, which is my decision. I don't want to raise Daughter in an environment of anger and hostility at her father. If you want to spend time with Daughter and me, you need to accept that I'm with Husband and treat him with civility. If you can't do that, then that's your choice, but we won't be able to spend time with you, which would make me sad but I need to put my child and husband first."
And follow through: if they can't stop badmouthing your husband, then you and your child can't spend time with them. That's the choice you need to make if you're going to be with him and try to raise your child in a positive environment.
My husband had an affair over 5 years ago. We split after. We started talking again about a year ago. We've taken things slowly in that we live separately and our finances are separate. We have a completely different relationship than we did before, during, after his affair. It's completely different. He's completely different. I am completely different.
I finally told my mom I took him back. She was so angry. She watched how he treated me and our kids for years.
Both he and I understand these are the consequences of his actions. He's not welcome in my family right now. He said recently he wouldn't welcome him either if he was her based on what he's done (totally different attitude than a year ago).
For our situation, we live overseas, so our life here is very separate from our families back home.
I told my mom I would never force him on her. I totally understand her feelings and maybe it will take time for her to see actual change in him. And maybe not. Either way was okay, but it was my choice. No matter what, she's never spoken ill of him in front of our kids.
My kids and I are going home for the summer. My husband is also going to his family. There will be some overlap in spending time with him and his family for my kids to see his family, but the majority of the time will be spent in a separate state.
Both husband and I know it's just the way it is. His family hates me as well (I apparently deserved for him to have an affair) and I'm okay with that. They don't add anything to my life.
What I'm trying to get it is your husband effed up. These are the consequences. It may take time or it may never happen. Either way they need to watch what they say.
Be careful.
He may be changed.
Or he may be in the love-bombing stage of the abuse cycle.
Here's what I would tell your family.
"You're concerned about OP. I am too. We don't know if he's legitimately changed or if he is entering a cycle of abuse with her and this is the love-bombing stage. She doesn't either.
"She is trying to do right by her heart and her daughter. If you continue badmouthing her husband, you will only drive a wedge and lose both of them. And one of two things will happen.
'1. She'll be happy with her husband and daughter, and you will have no part.
"2. You will have helped an abuser isolate his victims and she will have no place to go when he hits the abuse stage again."
That's where you are. I truly hope that your husband has changed and that more abuse won't follow. Your family saw what you went through and decided abuse will come again. Frankly, I understand why.
His actions put you in the hospital.
His actions put you in the hospital.
You can forgive him. Do not look at him with rose-colored glasses. He showed you who he was once. Be cautious that who he is now is truly changed.
I think there were enough comments about the part "your family is right to feel this way", so I'll just reply to the question "what can you do".
You can't change their feelings, that's for sure, and has been overexplained. What you can do, is choose how to protect yourself from the behaviours that hurt you, and that is setting boundaries.
A boundary is only about what YOU do in a specific situation. For example: "it hurts me to hear these things, so from now on, if I hear anything hurtful about the man I have decided to forgive, I will [not respond/ change the subject/ leave the conversation/ leave the room/ stop talking to you - you choose as you deem appropriate]." And you have to enforce that boundary. Meaning, if someone crosses it, you HAVE to do what you said you would.
Good luck and I hope no more pain comes your way in this relationship.
Your family doesn't need to forgive him, and you can't make them. That's not how forgiveness works.
They can hate his guts for his objectively horrible behavior, until such time as they decide that he's earned their forgiveness (if ever,) and still not badmouth him in front of y'all's child. *That's* the important part here.
Stop pressuring them to forgive your husband, but tell them in no uncertain terms that they are not to badmouth him to or around your child or you'll remove her and yourself (or your relatives, depending on where the behavior is taking place) from the situation.
And then stick to that. If they badmouth him in your home, you tell them to leave. Don't ask, don't bargain, just tell them to leave. And if they badmouth him *outside* your home, *you* leave.
Either they'll learn to keep their feelings to themselves around the kid, or they just won't see her.
Everyone’s demonizing this man due to the age gap in your relationship. That’s literally not the problem here. Idc if I get downvoted. He also explicitly said he didn’t want children and wouldn’t change his mind. The problem is his lack of accountability. He was cowardly and selfish.
It was your choice to forgive the guy, and if you’re happy you’re happy. It’s up to you to determine whether what he’s done to rectify things matches your standards and quality of partner.
Just for an FYI- the poster is almost 30 years old. If this was a 19 year old with a 40 year old, there’s an alarm bell. But a woman who is almost in her 30s being with a man who’s newly in his 50s isn’t the worst most villainous pairing in the world. Everyone has different tastes and preferences and it’s not up to other people to tell you it’s wrong when it’s literally not. There’s nothing predatory here.
You can’t make your family forgive the guy. Again, they aren’t living your life. They don’t see all that goes on behind the scenes. They only see what you’ve shown them and what he’s shown them. What’s been shown to them is a guy who can’t handle responsibility even at his age. He left a woman to carry his child simply because he didn’t want to take on the burden of his own actions.
The only way to get them to see what you see is by him being who he’s supposed to be. It could be months, years, or may never happen. The only thing that really matters though in your life, is your perception and what you want. It’s not about other people’s opinions. It’s your life. Just keep living it and that’s the best thing you can do.
Edit: tell your family they’re entitled to their opinions, but that you don’t want your daughter to grow up in an environment that demonizes her father and your marriage.
Doubt they will ever forgive him. The best you can ask for is that they be civil and not speak badly about him in front of your daughter . He doesn’t deserve forgiveness just because he’s doing what every decent partner and father does. That’s what he should always have done. They probably won’t ever respect you or your decision to forgive him. So it’s up to you after this . I think you are asking for too much and just dial it back to being civil and not speaking badly about him in front of your daughter . He still doesn’t deserve either of you tho.
If you are so sure of your husband, why do you still have contact with your family?
Both you and your family have the right to feel the way they feel.
Your family will never forgive your husband after what he did to you. Believe me, there will be no work well done by your husband to prove it, and you are sure that the change.
So why continue with a hostile relationship? Unless you are not sure about your husband and believe that in any moment he will do the same thing again.
If you are 100% sure of your husband, live your life happily.
I guess the only thing you can do is tell them that it’s your life and your decision and you won’t listen to any further commentary from them about either.
Also you will not allow your daughter to be in an environment where she will hear her father criticised, which means they can’t come to your home to see her unless they learn to be grown ups and keep their opinion to themselves.
I mean, do they even realise that even if you dumped him, he’d still be a part of your life because you’d share custody of your child? So this fantasy they have of kicking him to the curb and never seeing him again won’t happen for at least 18 years anyway!
I agree (with other responses) that you'll never get your family to love him like you do. But you need to get them to change their behavior. Tell them that while you know that their behavior is coming from a place of love and loyalty for you, what you need them to do is respect. Your choice (as an adult). Lay down some ground rules, that around you they are to be respectful to and about him, no insulting and shit talk. Tell them you will not let them be or stay in your house if they are doing so, you will leave functions if they are doing so, and you will opt out of text or phone conversations if they are doing so. And then follow through. And don't be angry or rude or loud about it. Just simple, straightforward, and firm.
yeah, this is my stepsister’s husband
selfish, immature asshole who grew up thanks to his wife being patient, but is still a horrible father and yet stepsister thinks her already damaged kids would be worse off without him
he has designer glasses because “he’s the husband who works and puts food on the table” and his kid with eye problems doesn’t even have the most basic glasses to just be able to see shit. he’s controlling and immature and all of his kids have anxiety and social interaction issues after he cut off the rest of us for not respecting him enough
but stepsister loves him and the small bits of affection he barely sprinkles on his kids is glorified by her constantly
we all know, we hold out tongues because we want the kids to know where we live if they ever want to get away, but even my stepmom has given up on my stepsister—she’s an idiot in everyone’s eyes, even if we love her we know she won’t leave him, and so we do what we can to protect the kids at least
this is likely similar to how your family feels and they won’t get over it OP
they respect you too much for that
So many people are hung up on the age gap. Yes, you can have a lot in common with someone in a different age bracket.
Sweetie, you need to tell your family that you know that they don't like him, but you will not tolerate them speaking that way of your husband. They can act cordial or you will go no contact. Then do as you say.
I also suggest you both go to therapy. It will help you heal further.
I understand how hard it is for guys when it comes to unplanned pregnancies, and I've seen all kinds of reactions. Cheated on,but told the baby is theirs, told that the woman was on the pill and then she doesn't say anything until the child is born and goes for child support, woman aborting the baby, when they were excited to be a dad and then get told to man up bc they are mourning. And a woman coercing a man not to use a condom or poking holes in it to trap him.
Men have feelings and outbursts of emotions as well. They should be allowed to show them.
He took precautions not to have kids, you got pregnant, he thought it couldn't be his bc it's a low chance, and with the way some women are today, I get his response.
He is traumatized from seeing his sister go through PPD and would never want to see someone he loves go through that, so he would rather end a relationship than to go through that, but you were hospitalized and bc he loves you he worried and freaked out.
Trauma can cause bad reactions. Again, that's why I suggest therapy. Solo and couple.
Your first mistake was dating someone nearly twice your age.
Your second mistake was staying in the relationship after he told you he didn't want kids and you did. Smh.
Edit to say as well that while he didn't act the best he probably could have, please consider the fact that you are literally baby trapping a person who set their boundaries loud and clear when they started even dating you.
As soon as I read the age gap I became concerned. Why won’t women his own age date him? Why doesn’t he want to date women with similar life experiences? Girl he put you in HOSPITAL. No one who loves you should be allowed to hospitalise you. And the excuse of ‘I didn’t want to see a woman hurt’ but he hurt you anyway?? So he’s outright lying about caring about hurting women
When people show you who they really are, believe them the first time!
What did you expect being with a man old enough to be your dad? There is a reason women his age don’t want him. They could have told you that was how he was going to treat you.
u/ThrowRa_ann1, even if this weren't a shitpost:
>The first thing he did was accuse me of cheating on him
Is he an idiot? Is he projectjng? Are you untrustworthy?
>after so many years it was impossible for him to get a woman pregnant
What do you even mean by that?
>especially at his age
Why would you think that? Lol
>He told me that when the baby was born he would do a paternity test
Why wait? Why leave or even mention it until after the test?
>there was very little chance of having children.
I guess he lacks comprehension?
>was horrible and I had a terrible time to the point that I ended up hospitalized
You were hospitalized because he's an ass? What was your diagnosis?
>he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves
Bahaha
*When I (29F) met my husband (51M) he was clear with me and told me that he didn't want to have children and that he wasn't going to change his mind. I understood and I was so in love that I was willing to sacrifice that for him. But life had other plans and I got pregnant and although it wasn't in our plans I was happy but he wasn't. The first thing he did was accuse me of cheating on him and getting pregnant by someone else (he had a vasectomy) and he told me that after so many years it was impossible for him to get a woman pregnant from one day to the next, especially at his age.*
*Things got so bad that he broke up with me and even wanted a divorce, and for a month he was convinced he wanted to end our marriage. He told me that when the baby was born he would do a paternity test, because he didnt trust that that would be possible, especially considering that he always visited his doctor and they told him that there was very little chance of having children. That hurt me but I accepted because I had nothing to hide.*
*I won't lie, for me it was horrible and I had a terrible time to the point that I ended up hospitalized, which was thanks to that he reconsidered and took a step back and apologized for being an idiot, and to be honest he spent several months begging for my forgiveness and finally before our daughter was born I forgave him, because I wanted to start over before she was born. We did the paternity test even though he no longer thought it was necessary and of course it confirmed that the baby is his. When my family found out that I had forgiven him, they were furious. I told them that his sister was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because after having her baby she developed postpartum depression, and he always said that he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves, but they didn't care and said horrible things to me when they found out that I forgave him.*
*I know what he did was horrible but he really changed and begged for forgiveness long enough, it's not like I forgave him overnight. Also, he is an amazing dad, he adores our daughter and treats me like a queen and I feel loved and, above all, I'm very happy but my family doesn't understand it. They only come to our house to talk bad about him and to ignore him or treat him badly. And I don't think he deserves it, I mean at the beginning he did deserve it but not anymore. He proved that his apology was genuine and that's all that matters. I don't want my daughter to grow up listening to the things my family says or seeing how they treat her dad. What can I do so that they understand that it was my decision to forgive him and that I want them to respect him?*
Not sure why people here are going on about the age gap. Not like OP said she met the guy as a teenager, or even early 20’s. She’s an adult and free to love whomever she wants.
I think it’s only natural for a man that’s had a vasectomy to assume the worst if their partner were to become pregnant. While it can happen, it’s very rare. Vasectomies are almost 100% effective. Pregnancy happens in 1 in every 1000 cases within the first year, and the longer it’s been since the procedure the less likely failure will occurred. Late failure rates range from 0.04 to 0.08%.
OP said nothing about him being abusive, even though that word was being mentioned by several commenters. He has an emotional reaction yo an emotional situation. Sounds like he came to his senses before the paternity tests and is making up for it. Humans have this uncanny ability to let their emotions get the best of them at times.
As for OP’s family, their opinions don’t matter. They should keep their mouth shut around OP and the child.
Reddit, you have failed. None of the comments in here make sense.
Acting like vasectomies fail every other time is the height of disingenuous mental gymnastics.
I don’t care what age, or any of the other distractions y’all keep coming up with. If any man has a vasectomy, and his SO turns up pregnant, it is reasonable to consider that cheating may have occurred.
But no, the guy is an AH for this? You commenters are sickening hypocrites.
If anyone hurt my baby the way that he hurt you, especially given the fact that he is old enough to be your father, it would be a hard time for me to let that go. The very best, he's an idiot. At the very worst he's a manipulative narcissist.
All you can ask them to do is be polite. Tell them they can’t speak negative about your child father around your child, if they choose to speak negatively about him around your daughter they will be asked to leave or you will leave the situation.
Your family will never forgive him. I’m speaking from personal experience. My stepdaughter has twins with someone who is about 15 years older than her. He is AH, none of us like him. He accused her of cheating because one of twins is fair skin with blue eyes. My husband is a white man with blue eyes, it’s called genetics. None of us speak ill of him around the kids, that’s their dad. But when he’s around, we are polite. But if he was on fire , none us would pee on take out the fire. If we are honest, we barely help my stepdaughter. We do things for the kids, but we don’t do anything for my stepdaughter. Her choices have caused us to lose respect for her.
You need to have a discussion about their behavior when your daughter is present. But you can’t ask them to forgive, all you can ask them to do is be cordial.
Just because you forgave him and moved on doesn’t mean your family should or needs to do the same. They don’t owe him their forgiveness, and you can’t force them. You can set boundaries with them as far as their behavior and comments to your husband and in front of your daughter. But that’s it. You may need to choose between them and your own nuclear family.
My advice to you is you need to gain some self respect and education. You're with a guy almost twice your age and you begged for him back? Grow a damn spine and date around your age
Tell your family that you genuinely appreciate their concern and the fact that they have your back. However out of respect for you they need to follow your lead,you’ve decided to forgive him and while you cannot dictate how they feel you can dictate how they act around all of you, ( you, your husband, and child) If they don’t have the emotional intelligence to do that they you will not be associating with them as frequently.
Girl he better be worth it!
Your family will never forgive him, nor should they, but has he gone to them to apologize? He forced them to watch their child go through unimaginable pain. The fact he never wanted kids because he “never wanted to put someone he loves through so much pain” will sound pretty bullshit to your parents because he did exactly that to you, just not through postpartum depression. He needs to man up and go have a conversation with them alone without you present. He needs to be prepared to not get that forgiveness but going to them and owning up to what he did and take the ass chewing they’ll probably give him with humble understanding and not getting defensive might help calm the flames a bit.
After that, let your family know that you understand why they probably wont ever forgive him but you, the wronged party, has. While they don’t have to like him, they need to at least be cordial. You aren’t interested in hearing them talk bad about him, if they want to do that, they can keep it amongst themselves. I’d also stress that you will not tolerate any bad mouthing of him in front of your child. Ever. I’d also point out that if things ever did get bad between you two again, it makes it less likely that you’ll reach out to them for help because they are already gearing up for “I told you so’s”.
Lastly, I really hope he has changed and this isn’t just a temporary honeymoon period. You need to protect yourself. Start saving a certain amount of money that is in your own account that no one else knows about. If he left again in a year, would you be able to take care of yourself and your child? What would you do if he did? Start building yourself a safety net now just in case. It’s not a bad idea for all women to do this honestly, not just in case a partner leaves but if they pass away as well. You have a child to think about now, not just yourself. Better to be prepared and not need it than to need it and not be prepared.
You can’t do much. They are entitled to feel and have an opinion on your husband whom at your most vulnerable left u and accused u of infidently. Facts are facts. He showed that he cannot be trusted. Sorry ain’t going to cut it after they had to witness and be part of that emotional torment. U do know it hurt him to watch what happened to u right? This isn’t something that can be forgiven. There is distrust now. You could ask them to be civil. Just cause u forgave him doesn’t mean the rest of them do. Civil around him for the sake of your child? Sure. In addition, your mother had to watch her 29 young daughter get with someone who’s old enough to be her dad and witness how horridly he treats her daughter. You’re out of your mind to expect her to feel less after what he did. You have a child now. Do you think if your child was treated the same way you’d forgive the perpetrator that made your child suffer? Your family now is anticipating to catch u, should he fail as a husband and partner again. The trust is gone. And u can’t ignore the facts just cause ur willing to blind and forgive him. U can ask them to not have ur daughter hear how her daddy accused mommy of infidelity and left her to fend for herself after she got pregnant to prevent ur daughter from feeling unwanted. But that’s it. Unless u want to cut off ur family who was actually there for u from being part of ur daughter’s life.
His sister suffered post partum depression and he didn't want to cause that type of pain to another woman. But is he OK with causing you pain? Is he ok questioning your morals? He accused you of being unfaithful. He left you. Seriously? If I were your family, I would never forgive or forget his treatment of you. It is my belief that something like this is going to happen again. I'm sorry.
Yeah, it is going to be hard finding any sympathy around here. Hopefully your family doesn’t trash talk your husband in front of your child,but beyond that I don’t think I could keep my mouth shut or avoid showing my intense distaste around your spouse if I was in your family.
My guess is your family never approved of your marriage and always disliked your husband without any real cause - if you don’t count The age thing. Then your husband just confirmed everything negative they thought about him. And I am sure none of them bought the lame “sister” reason. That was almost laughable. So there isn’t anything you can do to make them forgive him. He doesn’t deserve it.
The only advice I can give you is you might be tempted to go low or no contact with them and your husband
Might encourage you to do so. Please don’t. You are going to need them and their support. So will your child.
Oh honey get that divorce, get lots and lots of therapy so you'll find out why you have so little self-esteem and so that you won't get fooled again. And please don't ever date a daddy figure again particularly one who is so very damaged controlling and abusive, and do not bring children up to think that how you've been living/How he treated you like this is okay.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but what he did was abusive. I think they are just concerned about his morals. How happy would you be if a guy got her pregnant and then abandoned her? I just have a hard time believing that this was the first time he has had an anger and trust issues. The only thing you can do at this point is ask your family not to bad mouth him in front of your kid. It can be devastating for kids to find out they weren’t wanted. If they won’t do that, then they don’t get access to her.
>he always said that he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves
But it's okay to cause pain by accusing someone of cheating and pursuing a divorce while they're pregnant with your baby? OKAY.
Actions, meet consequences. He decided to act in a despicable manner and the consequence is that your family no longer likes or trusts him.
Now I guess you'll have to figure out what consequences you're willing to enact to protect your husband, which might mean not inviting your family over to your home anymore. And hope this doesn't mean your partner sees this as a sign it's safe to get angry and unsafe with you again.
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I could be your mother. Let’s see….. My 29 year old daughter is with a guy who could be her father. I would not be thrilled. My old son-in-law (probably my age or very close) accuses my daughter of cheating when she gets pregnant. I would not be thrilled. This guy then leaves my pregnant daughter and stresses her out to the point that she’s hospitalized. I would not be thrilled. Then he says “Sorry,” and it’s as if nothing happened. I would not be thrilled. Having said all of that, they should not be speaking negatively of your child’s father in your presence or in the child’s presence. That needs to be shut down. However, if I were your mother, I would NEVER forgive him for what he did to my daughter. I would tell you to never expect me to be warm to him. I would tolerate him for your sake and your child’s sake, but that’s it. I hope your husband is really as great as he’s acting now. Good luck.
I can keep my mouth shut, it’s my face that would need deliverance.
This is the truth. 😂😂😂 I got a strong RBF
This whole story have me the ick. My super RBF would engage every time I see that effer.
Mine would be resting murder face.
I don't have to speak, but my face says it all!
My mouth “hi son-in-law grandpa” My face “you cunt”
This is one of my favorite Reddit comments ever.
I have found my people. My word say one thing- my face says what I actually mean.
I still wear a mask because my rbf is so bad and my tables (I’m a server) always tell me to smile (also I’m immunocompromised). My tips have improved because people can’t tell I look angry. But the biggest benefit is I can mouth “what the fuck”, among other things, and no one has any idea.
I loved the mask, you can actually mutter insults and it’s inaudible, perfect for my potty mouth
I worked in fast food during covid, sometimes you needed a good foul mouthed moment to yourself. I was also trying to learn the local language and to speak it better, and doing weird mouth shapes invisibly behind the mask helped with that!
This. Honestly, OP needs to learn that you cannot make someone else like or forgive someone. So stop expecting this, because it's out of your control and not something you can ask of your family. Your family's dislike of him is a direct result of his choices and actions. Dont expect anyone to forgive how he has acted- instead, expect him to work hard to earn their trust as well as yours and for his actions to match his words. He needs to show he's changed. A good man would know why he's in your family's bad books after the shit he pulled.
Yep OP should expect him to want to earn trust of his in laws back …. It will help later on when the child is older … and show his love and that he was an idiot … science is not perfect… only one thing is 100% prevents babies …
That’s why I loved masks during COVID!
My face learned that it could speak and my eyes wouldn't particularly give things away in the early days. It hasn't learned to stop.
Yep… I cried when we didn’t have to wear them and when people would look at people weird for wearing masks … No one knew my awful poker face ….
So relatable
Mom? You're on Reddit? Lol If you ever have kids your warning looks will be legendary....
So true!!!
Same
Gawd me too.
My mum is like this. Doesn't matter what she says, she can't hide her face.
All of this! Polite is the best she can expect but the negativity needs to end when around OP and the baby. The family can think and say whatever they want everywhere else
I too am old enough to be her mother and agree with everything you said. I’ll add one more for OP. *I would never trust him and I would be concerned about controlling or coercive behaviour. So I would make an effort to be quietly in the background. Not talking shit about him - even though I wouldn’t forgive or forget, and I would be watching and waiting. Being part of your life and keeping my mouth shut. I may even ensure I have a small fund so you can leave at short notice if necessary.* *I would not alert you to this though because I want you to be able to approach me and ask for help without any fear of me saying “I told you so” which I would never do* I’ll add my best wishes to you OP. I also hope he has really changed. FWIW, I married an older man. He did not want kids but accepted I did. He loved them but his behaviour towards me and one of them became problematic and he is now my ex. He has made big improvements and has a relationship with both kids and we coparent ok although he is hard to deal with at times. I carry all the weight of parenting - always have and I guess always will. He’s more a somewhat supporting role. I wish I’d chosen a different man but I would not want to be without my kids. They are everything to me.
I wish someone had a small fund for me so I could have left my older husband who was financially abusive. Honestly, your comment made me cry. But it’s all good now. I left him, remarried to a man who is my best friend. Got a great therapist. Life is good 🥰
Why did you decide to have kids with someone who didn't want any? That's always going yo be a recipie for disaster but I'm genuinely curious.
He had never wanted them before he met me, he didn’t think he would marry either, but after we got together said he was ok with having them. He changed his mind but it was due to my wanting them if you see what I mean. If he had met someone who didn’t want them I am sure he wouldn’t have had any. So he agreed, both times. He wanted to try for the second before I did. He loves them and they are the most important thing in his life. He’s still hard work though. Nothing to do with the kids, it’s more his personality.
I’ll never understand why people do that, either. 🤷♀️
“My old son-in-law” 😅
This is a great response. In addition I would like to add that your family has viewed his pattern of abandoning you when you need support the most. What happens if you accidentally get pregnant again, or endure any stress he hasn’t planned for? He will be gone. That’s why your family is not happy. They can see through his act. He sounds like a narcissistic love bomber, how you go from NEVER wanting kids to being the perfect dad and spouse. It’s not real, his true colours will come through again during your next big stressor he didn’t plan for. He’s old enough to know better.
I imagine if she became very ill he’d be out the door in a second. He’s already shown who he is, she just doesn’t want to believe it.
I would never forgive him. It’s your right to manage your child’s relationship with your family. That said, if I was your mother, I would make it explicit that this person is not welcome in my home and if you want me to have a relationship with your kid, then you and your kid are welcome. I wouldn’t talk badly about the husband in their presence but I would make it clear the husband is never to be in my presence again.
It's ok for you to have those boundaries but if your "child" ever agreed to them it would be disrespectful to their S.O. and they may end up deciding that being in their marriage/relationship is more important than visiting you so be ready for very few very far between visits and either NC or LC....
Amen - I was thinking all of the same things. The only thing that helps redeem him a bit is that he did the right thing for someone who is serious about not wanting children in the future & had a vasectomy. I can imagine how shocked and horrified he must have been to learn you were pregnant anyway.
I would hate his old butt for the rest of my days if that were my daughter. I agree about not saying things about him in front of the child. But, would be Antarctica cold with him, forever. Polite-ish. But icy.
“Antarctica cold…” Love that!
Everything this woman said. You can forgive him, but he honestly preyed on you or you have daddy issues to accept a man that much older. You are expecting your family to pretend, you can; but because they care about you they don’t want you to tolerate this.
I need a mom like you. Can you please adopt me?
This. He can’t expect and no one can demand forgiveness. He honestly doesn’t deserve it either
I'm a mother and I approve this message.
I'm sorry but this whole "you shouldn't speak negatively of someone's partner in front of them" thing needs to stop, some people *really* need to hear from a trusted source that the person they're with is a POS if they are one. Especially so from a parent, this guy is trash and the mother knows it. Only part I agree with it's that shouldn't be done in front of the child because that's just not okay, kids don't need to be involved in adult problems.
[удалено]
It’s one of those things where I’d be nice to op, and let her know I’ll be there for her when things hit the fan. But I’d also distance myself and not be around them as much.
Don’t let the age gap fool you. It’s a prerequisite for writing a rage bait story on here.
The man is a disgusting pig. No… he should be called out for his disgusting behavior. Silence normalizes his shitty behavior. It’s 2024 - we are normalizing outing disgusting pigs loudly and viciously. If he doesn’t want to judged, he shouldn’t be a disgusting pig.
Agree!!
I'm telling you now, your family will never have the love for him that you do. Ever. The age gap probably had them on alert with him in first place, but they dealt with him because they love you. But when he hurt you? And you ended up in the hospital, while pregnant, because of his actions? That was it. He's on their permanent shit list. You're not going to get them to see him through your love-colored glasses.
The last part. Accurate. This describes OP perfectly. She sees this guy in rose colored lenses and meanwhile the family sees him for the crap that he is. They were likely already alert with the age gap. Now that they witness what’s his capable of, it’s no wonder their on their guard and his on their shit list. OP may be able to decide to take him back and forgive. But nobody in her family is foolish enough to not see what this is.
Trust me, I've been in the family's position. Like, girl, spare me the lovey-dovey bullshit talk about him and how great he is when I'm the one who had to literally save your life from 16 miles away by phone because he, who was 2 blocks away, couldn't be bothered to help you. I will never, ever, ever see him the way you do. Ever.
I have yet to have this situation within family. But I had a similar experience with a very dear close friend of mine. When I say she sees him through rose colored lenses… OMg. I literally cried tears of frustration every-time she took him back. Remained civil with him and tolerated his presence while I had to listen what he does to my friend to hurt her. The day she FINALLY saw and broke up with him. The relief. I felt traumatized cause it was like I was there the whole way this went down.
Friends, family... same thing when you love the person and you see them in love with a total jackass. There's nothing you can do. Just be there for them. Even if the guy is abusive you can't say too much or she'll cut off contact. Then when she needs help her pride will prevent her from her calling you and she'll feel trapped. It's not a good position to be in, that's why OP needs to temper her expectations about her family with him. She also needs to not lose contact with them either. If they tolerate his presence then that's good enough.
It felt like watching a moth go to the flame and u couldn’t stop it from happening. And u can’t force them to decide otherwise cause it’s their life and decision. 🙂↔️ And then u wonder if slapping them might help make them see sense. I swear I debated to do that half the whole time. 🤣 I’ve yet to be stupid in love so maybe I just don’t know till I get in their shoe. But I told my friends to call me out on my BS if I ever
Yep. All you can do is watch it unfold (*praying* that you're wrong and he might surprise you by being a great guy but then things happen exactly as you thought). And then be there for them while they cry. And then she takes him back. And, no, you can't slap her. Won't do a lick of good.
Don’t worry. Never did. I always cry instead whenever the urge comes. 🤣 Like Why 👏🏻 are 👏🏻 u 👏🏻 doing 👏🏻this 👏🏻to 👏🏻urself 👏🏻 it’s like watching a movie and ur able to also predict and just know shit before it even happens. Like I said. The whole thing traumatized me in a way. 🤣
I have never hit anyone, but I’ve had exactly the same thoughts - I wonder if I can slap them hard enough to knock some sense into them! But I know that isn’t how it works, so no hitting, lol. 😏
My sisters husband (same age as her) was always a bit off. Tried too hard to fit in, instead of just being himself and getting accepted for who he is. Turned out he abused her. We helped sister leave him, but with them still having to share custody over the kids, he's upset the family doesn't treat him like we did anymore, it's just cold distance. One guess why, sherlock.
Yes. OP is an adult, and as such, she can decide to forgive her husband. There’s nothing she can do to convince her family (or Reddit) to forgive him. She can set a boundary, and ask her family to stop talking negatively about him around her. She can tell them that hurts her. She can ask them to leave if they start. They’ll always be entitled to their opinions though, and they may never, ever warm up to him. That’s a consequence of his bad behavior, and there’s nothing she can do about it.
He's on MY isht list and I don't even know him!
Me also sitting here wondering if there were other red flags the fam saw that OP didn’t
There HAS to be. There is one huge red flag with the age gap, and a hundred little red flags behind that. They are very good at "acting normal" and likeable when they have to.
I totally agree with this. I do think OP can at least ask them to not talk bad around her and the daughter. Just because it’s not good for either of them. Negativity is just not great. They should just get ready to catch if it all falls apart again and make good memories in the mean time.
You can't make your family do anything. You may want then to forgive him, but they got hurt in all of this too, and you have to respect that. From their perspective, you got hurt badly at your most vulnerable time in your life. That hurt you, and they love you, so that hurt them by extension because they love and care for you. Now you and a new baby are in this situation, and it can turn quickly, and you could possibly get hurt worse. They have a right to be angry and concerned that they may have to live through this situation again. I mean, you have a daughter now. Imagine if she brought home a man 20+ years older than her and did this to her - put her in the hospital while pregnant because he couldn't get over himself then she forgives him and acts like its all good- do you think you would have an easy time of forgiving that husband and trusting he wouldnt hurt her? He may treat you like a queen now but I hate to say that is a classic part of abuse - they swing to extremes - they can love with incredibly big hearts but also turn on you and there is no line they won't cross when they feel wronged. That is the part that makes families cautious. He has been swinging to extremes. Only time will help this, but it will be hard for them to ever fully trust him. Give them space, and he needs to build a history of being an adult that doesn't go to extremes all the time.
If someone did this to one of my siblings, I would never forgive them and I would be slightly disappointed in my sibling for not having more self-respect than to stay with someone who treated them so horribly.
Being beaten down to the point OPs daughter is at, isn't a matter of her having self respect or not, it's her reacting to the deliberate trauma he's inflicting to keep her in his grasp. Leaving an abuser is the most deadly time for any woman, the chances of murder increase dramatically, so staying might be better than dying, and we wouldn't know from the outside. It'd look like the same thing. If you ever do find yourself as the friend or family member of a victim of domestic violence, here's some tips. The best thing to do to help a victim of DV is keep communication open with them and don't attack their abusers no matter how much you want to; it just drives the victims closer towards their abusers and away from you. Communication with victims of domestic violence is key, abuse occurs more with increased victim isolation. The victims chances of successful escape go up with increased sizes of support networks. So be a support structure. Be a reprieve. But they're in love with this person, it's going to hurt them to hear anything bad about their abusers from you. Be in a loving, kind relationship with them, even though they might upset you with staying with their abuser.
He made them worry and work. They dropped things to care for OP because he hurt her. He made them try to clean up his emotional mess. Are they going to have to come in to pick her up when he drops her… again. No forgiveness is too much to ask.
a 20 year age gap and he dipped when you got pregnant? this guy sucks
Succinctly said. I love it.
He'll do it again.
Look, whatever you do keep in contact with your family. This guy subjected you to some extreme emotional abuse while you were at your most vulnerable. There is nothing to stop him from being even worse now that he has love bombed you into thinking he will always treat you like a queen. It took you being hospitalized for him to come back and at least try to work with you while you were, again, at your most vulnerable. Your family is going to be your only life-line when his abusive behaviors return. And they will return. They are probably building right now but you are blind to it because love bombing is a hell of a drug. Your family has a right to be furious with him. And you can't dictate when they "get over" that anger. You can set boundaries about what they are allowed to say to him in his home, but you can't tell them how to feel about them. Just keep connected to them because when this comes crashing down again, they will be the support you and your daughter need to keep moving.
I'm wondering if anyone else noticed that for some reason a paternity test was still completed. OP had to prove herself. This is so concerning.
i mean the way he went about it was 100% wrong and i’m not defending him in any way, but if you just single out the request for a paternity test, that really is not the most insane request since he has a vasectomy and at least *says* he had a sperm count done recently. he’s wrong for everything else though, including how he went about that and not giving her the benefit of the doubt until he could prove her innocence.
100% agree Excellent comment!
Why didn’t you guys get a prenatal paternity test? Seems cruel to make you endure an entire pregnancy to wait to test for paternity when you can do it before the birth anyway.
Or even go back to a doctor and get his sperm count tested again.
The doctor told him "low chance" ... that doesn't mean zero. If your chances of conceiving are 1/1,000 every instance you have sex, it's pretty easy to hit those odds after a few years of marriage.
Yeah, feels like there were a lot of routes they both could've taken before "you've definitely cheated and I'm not claiming parental responsibility, plus I want a divorce". That is, if this is a real story.
BINGO. It only takes one!!!!!!☝🏽
Right? He didn't want to cause anyone post partum depression. So he caused it during the pregnancy instead. What a pinecone!
I don't think this is real because of that key detail tbh, I don't see how neither of them knew/asked if a pre natal paternity test was a thing since it was SUCH a concern that divorce was on the table.
That whole, "He didn't want to cause any woman that kind of pain" is absolute bullshit. If he was genuinely such a caring and thoughtful and compassionate person, then his entire approach to OP's surprise pregnancy would have been vastly different. That whole thing is just a disingenuous line that a gross old man told the young woman he wanted to get with, to make himself sound good.
Depends in where they live. That test is not available or even legal everywhere.
My only concern, what made you to marry a 51 year old man?
Yeah they have absolutely nothing in common. He’s extremely immature (shocker) and no woman his age would ever take him. Op was hot tail and she liked the attention. This is weird af. No 30 should get with a damn 50 yo
My biggest question is how old were they when they started dating? 25 & 47?
She was probably vulnerable, wanted someone who seemed to be stable and have their life figured out. Probably some love bombing, maybe she got out of another relationship and he said all the right things. They seek out the vulnerable and young on purpose.
Is He RICH?
I hope so. He probably at least pretended to be…. I think this is why he decided to stay because he didn’t want an additional expense
She always wanted to be a nurse
I shouldn't laugh but I did.
Daddy issues
this has to be rage bait
As someone who is leaving an abusive marriage. Keep contact with your family, put money aside for yourself and baby. Don’t mix finances with him, if they’re mixed then unmix it slowly. He was emotionally abusive towards you. You want to forgive him, I understand completely bc I did the same damn thing. It does not get better. My ex ‘tried so hard and apologized’ for the stuff he put me through. You know what actually happened? He gaslit me and made me feel crazy for not ‘appreciating everything he’s done’ which was in fact simply bare minimum of mowing the grass and keeping a gps tracker on his phone so I could see he wasn’t cheating. They know you deserve better you just don’t realize it yet.
Store as much cash as possible, if he lets you use his cards get $20 or so cash back everytime you go to the store and don’t get the receipt
But double check the store, some will specific withdraw it under a different transaction and it still shows up. I learned this at my local grocery the hard way
Has he ever apologized to your family for deserting you? I still can’t forgive my son’s bully 8 years later and they’re friends now, it would take a lot for me to forgive my child’s spouse doing what yours did. This is the bed he made, it’s up to him to lay in it and this is consequence he’s facing. Your family may never forgive him.
Well said.
You don’t get to decide for your family that he deserves forgiveness. You want to forgive an old man who abandons his young wife and mentally abuses her into the point of needing hospitalization then that’s your choice, but you don’t get to tell your family how to feel. They saw him for who he was and what he did and they wanted better for you.
He was so worried about the risk of post-Partum mental health issues that your husband called you a cheater and threatened divorce? But it’s all ok now because it was just fear and now he’s loving and caring. Your husband deserves an Oscar for the acting job he’s doing. Expect continual repeats of this cycle — withdraws emotional support, launches accusations at you, then returns with apologies and blames some fear for his behavior. If I was your family member, I would not forgive him either. And I’d be talking to you and having a go bag and a backup plan ready now that you know what he’s capable of doing to you.
Right? >I told them that his sister was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because after having her baby she developed postpartum depression, and he always said that he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves, But he caused OP so much pain that she ended up in the hospital. This guy is full of shit up to the hairline. OP is 29. Her family can't make her choices for her, no matter how distressing it is to see her reconcile with somebody who is so clearly a bad choice. I hope they can learn to be civil to him, because I'm pretty sure she's going to need her family. A lot. Her family is probably never going to like him or respect him again. OP should be able to understand that. How would she feel, in the future, about an older man who treated her daughter that way? The best thing she can hope for is that they agree to pretend. When OP is fifty — if they stay together and he lives that long — she's going to have a daughter in college and an unpleasant, elderly husband who needs to be driven to the doctor and have her remind him to take his pills. She's chosen a hard road.
You misread : he called her a cheat because he had a vasectomy and his doctor had said it was highly doubtful he could get a woman pregnant.
A lot of the men in my family have had vasectomies. Every single one of them knew that pregnancy was still *possible.* I had an uncle who wasn't even a nice person, but when his wife thought she was pregnant years after his vasectomy — it turned out to be a false alarm — even he never accused her of adultery.
I didn’t misread. Highly doubtful is not the same as impossible and there are ways to see if the highly doubtful but possible thing happened before accusing your spouse of cheating.
I stopped reading at 29F and 51M.
Lol seriously, that’s all you need to know.
I don't think your family is gonna be keen on peepaw
Mommy, why is grandpa younger than daddy? Also, when is he coming back from the milk shop?
He left but then realized no Other 29 year old wanted him is my thinking. Guys not the best
As a mom, it’s not gonna happen. You’re dating a grandpa who accused you of cheating and broke up with you when you got pregnant. People don’t change and that bridge is burned.
Honey don’t throw away your life for a man who could be your father. You seem like a really sweet woman who can be taken advantage of. Reading your post I see so many red flags. Please listen to your family.
Why are you with someone who that is 20+ years your senior? Did you ever think that there’s a reason why a 51 year old man wants someone so much younger than he is?
If your husband is genuinely as loving and as changed as you think he is, then your family will come to see that over time. You can’t demand that they forgive him. Watching your daughter sacrifice having children to marry a guy 20 years older than her and then watch him abandon her in the hospital when *his* vasectomy failed….I could forgive a lot for myself, but I don’t think I could forgive that for my daughter. I’ve been really thinking about how abusive partners alienate their victims. Sometimes it’s a blatant prohibition—you will not see those people. Sometimes it’s picking fights. But a lot of the time it’s stuff exactly like this. The abuser mistreats his partner, then sweet talks his way back in. And the family simply can’t accept someone who treats their daughter, sister, niece, best friend that way. So they take a step back and watch and wait. I hope that you’re right and he’s a changed man. If he’s not, I hope you realize it sooner rather than later and remove yourself and your daughter safely.
You get to decide whether to forgive him or not, but equally your family get to decide whether to respect him or not: That is 100% not your call. You have 2 options: 1. Agree to disagree or 2. Go NC, you have zero rights to demand they respect him (especially in the light of his behaviour).
You can't blame your family's feelings for how they feel about your husband. They love you, and they can see how this relationship isn't going to end well. You can't change how they feel about him. But you can stand your ground and kick them out of your home when they start to talk bad about your husband.
I can’t wrap my head around marrying someone that old…. He’s 60 before the child is 10….
He didn't wanna cause any woman pain via PPD but managed to do it all by himself anyway. If he was clear from the start that he didn't want any child and you AGREED to it, then this should have been the end of your relationship, and all those accusations and going back and forth shouldn't have happened. Why did he do a complete 180 on having children after confirming his paternity? And are you 100% sure that he's gonna love and be an active parent for your child? I would worry more about that before worrying about whatever your family thinks of this.
It's not when he discovered he was the dad, it happened when she got hospitalised, if I correctly understood.... I don't want to defend him of course, he abandoned her when she needed him the most, but I might understand his side as well, a little, of course this doesn't mean that he had the right to do what he did.
Respectfully, I disagree. Your husband can be genuinely apologetic, an amazing father and husband, AND deserve all the bad treatment he’s getting from people who love you. They didn’t see the groveling, and even nine full months of groveling wouldn’t be enough for me to forgive someone I don’t love for hurting someone I do love when she’s at her most vulnerable. He proved his apology is genuine to you, and that’s all that matters to you. There is nothing wrong with that, but they’re not obligated to feel the same way. They also don’t need to respect him. Respect is earned, and he has not earned it, in their opinion. That being said, they shouldn’t be shit talking your husband in front of your child. That’s not good for the child, whom they presumably love, no matter how they feel about the husband. That is a boundary you draw as a parent. You don’t need them to respect your husband, but they must at least be cordial in front of your baby. And if they don’t respect that, don’t invite them over. Shut the door in their face and ignore their invitations until they learn to behave themselves.
I'm sorry, but I can't get past the 20-year gap.
I’m team your family. Girl. What the fuck. He’s old as shit and abandoned you and your unborn kid. What’s to stop him from doing that again when things get tough. Enjoy your geriatric husband who has no qualms leaving his pregnant wife I guess
>What can I do so that they understand that it was my decision to forgive him and that I want them to respect him? They understand. THEY DON'T CARE. They see what you REFUSE to. He's an asshole. There's a reason men go after women half their age: they're easy to manipulate...and you're playing right into his hands. Wake up.
This Your family sees what you don't see. I **hope** your husband has changed his way, and that you and your child are safe. But I strongly urge you to not break contact with your family. You may need their support in the future.
So did he actually get a vasectomy or he is saying he is "too old" to make kids because those are two very different things. I wouldn't forgive him either because he sounds like he lies way too much and blames others for it. I wouldn't talk bad about him though, I just wouldn't acknowledge him beyond being a parent. Honestly your family members are free to do what they like, you can't control them but you can control who has access to your household and child. If they won't cut off the bad mouthing tell them to not visit as often or at all. Once they start the bad mouthing you should ask them to leave your home..
Hello age gap, our old friend.
"his sister was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because after having her baby she developed postpartum depression, and he always said that he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves" I Call Bull Shit, this was NOT the reason!! How can they respect him when he is a liar?
This is the most obvious red flag in the post. Like the guy left her and put her through a hell of a lot of turmoil, he can’t turn around and say ‘I didn’t want someone I love to suffer like that’ when he caused a whole lot of other suffering.
Lol he’s 22 years older than you, they’re not angry with him for treating you like shit and leaving, they’re angry with him for doing that *and coming back*
This whole thing makes me so sad and reminds me in my early 20s being married to a 45 year old man-child. It did not go well.
Imagine one day a man 22 years older than you daughter does everything you just described to her. Would you like that man very much?
So your husband is horrible and your family is looking out for you. Why are you so dumb? Like this man got you pregnant and abandoned you. Your family is right and you need to reevaluate a lot of things. Would you want your daughter to be in this type of relationship when she is grown?
Another day, another wildly inappropriate age gap and controlling hideously behaved husband. If you were my sister I would never speak to your husband again unless absolutely necessary. If you were my child, I would be heartbroken. You deserve better.
See a therapists or something. Fake even just a little bit of dignity please
This is the grandpa-aged man you want raising your kid? The one who literally abused you so mentally badly that you were hospitalized? Really? The inheritance better be really good.
Daddy issues go BRRRRRRRRRRRRR with this one.
He has to earn their respect and that doesn't happen overnight. He has to consistently prove over a long period of time that he's a good father and husband. He has to put in the work. This isn't on you, it's on him. I highly suspect he won't do that though and he'll end up proving them right. A man who truly doesn't want kids looks for a woman who can't or doesn't want them. He could have dated women his own age who were past their childbearing years. Instead, he chose to pursue a young, fertile, woman who wanted kids and pushed her into agreeing to give up her dreams. That's not exactly good husband material. Your family is right to be wary of him. So, again, it's on him to prove them wrong. ETA: Stop feeding them his claim that his sister had PPD and he wanted to avoid giving a woman that. They see that's just a bullshit line he's feeding you and someday you'll see it too.
I very much doubt they will forgive him. I am honestly doubting your sanity for giving him another chance after what he did. I also feel intense sympathy for your child. I really cannot see how someone who did something that appalling could ever redeem themselves after.
Did he apologise to them?, If someone abused my most cherished daughter that way I would be disappointed that she’d lost her self respect. He had no right, and there is no legitimate reason for that kind of behaviour. As a mother I would not be forgiving that man unless he came to my home to make peace, and have a pretty good reason for his behaviour.
Do you think your lovely supportive husband would stick around if you or your child were to become very sick, say with cancer, or have a terrible accident? Or would he get scared and abandon you again. I would never trust him again if I were you but if I were your family I could never forgive him for his treatment of you and your child.
I wouldn't forgive either, but I also wouldn't stay with someone who had the audacity to get me pregnant then accuse me of cheating and put me through the stress of being abandoned while pregnant. If he wanted a woman who couldn't get pregnant maybe he should have dated someone his own age who would have likely been menopausal or close to it.
Why should your family forgive him? Like realistically they know him as the guy that hospitalized their daughter. What do they gain from from giving him another chance but the opportunity to hurt you again? Also him being 20 years older than you is creepy af so there is probably little chance of that.
Has he apologized to your family?
You can’t make them forgive him, he has to live with the consequences of his actions.
Idk. My first relationship was abusive and it rings all the bells. He's a self absorbed asshole who thinks his truth is the ONLY truth. So no way can a vasectomy fail, ofc you cheated. He treats you awful in a situation where you are already vulnerable and then lovebombs you into forgiveness. Believe me, next battle you two will have to fight, he won't be on your side either. You're old enough to start to see things for what they are and that this guy is full of shit. Echoing other commenters who said that if you choose to stay, keep in contact with your family because he will up his abuse at some point. Wishing you all the strength. Edit. I wish I had your family, mine was all team dude because you don't break up a marriage.
This whole thing is a mess. You decided to marry a man 20 years your senior who explicitly told you he didn’t want kids and that it was a deal breaker for him. You married him anyway, got pregnant, decided to keep it despite knowing it was a deal breaker for him. Which is totally fine, you have a right to change your mind, but then… You were SHOCKED and blindsided by the fact that he wanted a divorce. Despite telling you up front it was a deal breaker. To the point that you spiraled so hard you ended up needing to be hospitalized. He was an ass to you and accused you of cheating. You are so immature you can’t grok that deal breakers have deal breaking implications. You both suck frankly and I feel bad for this kid. Here’s some advice: If having a family is important to you don’t “sacrifice” that for a guy and expect him to change his mind later. There are some things that are just fundamental incompatibilities and while it may suck the mature thing to do is know where your own values lie. You have a lot of growing to do OP to be there for this kid. Guy is being great now but even if he sticks around he’s old and won’t be able to be the dad you’ve likely dreamed about for your kids. Prepare yourself now for how you’d handle him having a major health event while needing to care for a child. Like, really prepare. You cannot afford to just spiral out of control when predictable things happen because of choices you made. Your kid deserves better than that.
I believe you’re living in delulu land. How you forgave him is beyond me and completely WILD. I’d do the paternity test then put him on child support lol. Men do these things because they know women and much more forgiving.
Why are you 29 with a man who is 51?
Trust and forgiveness takes time. It can’t be rushed. If he continues to be a good father and husband, they may forgive him in time. In the meantime, you can tell them you understand their feelings but they need to respect your choice. If they have anything negative to say about your husband, ask they keep it to themselves. And they can’t be rude to him in front of your daughter. That’s really all you can do.
Your child’s going to be your age when their father passes… sad.
That’s if he even lives that long. Sad indeed though.
Oof. Okay, I'm not going to address at all whether you *should* have forgiven him. That's your choice and it doesn't sound like you or your child are in danger, so staying with him is your prerogative. You should tell your family, "I understand why you're angry at Husband. He acted terribly. But we have worked through it and I have chosen to forgive him and move on, which is my decision. I don't want to raise Daughter in an environment of anger and hostility at her father. If you want to spend time with Daughter and me, you need to accept that I'm with Husband and treat him with civility. If you can't do that, then that's your choice, but we won't be able to spend time with you, which would make me sad but I need to put my child and husband first." And follow through: if they can't stop badmouthing your husband, then you and your child can't spend time with them. That's the choice you need to make if you're going to be with him and try to raise your child in a positive environment.
Another one dating grandpa
Now girl…
My husband had an affair over 5 years ago. We split after. We started talking again about a year ago. We've taken things slowly in that we live separately and our finances are separate. We have a completely different relationship than we did before, during, after his affair. It's completely different. He's completely different. I am completely different. I finally told my mom I took him back. She was so angry. She watched how he treated me and our kids for years. Both he and I understand these are the consequences of his actions. He's not welcome in my family right now. He said recently he wouldn't welcome him either if he was her based on what he's done (totally different attitude than a year ago). For our situation, we live overseas, so our life here is very separate from our families back home. I told my mom I would never force him on her. I totally understand her feelings and maybe it will take time for her to see actual change in him. And maybe not. Either way was okay, but it was my choice. No matter what, she's never spoken ill of him in front of our kids. My kids and I are going home for the summer. My husband is also going to his family. There will be some overlap in spending time with him and his family for my kids to see his family, but the majority of the time will be spent in a separate state. Both husband and I know it's just the way it is. His family hates me as well (I apparently deserved for him to have an affair) and I'm okay with that. They don't add anything to my life. What I'm trying to get it is your husband effed up. These are the consequences. It may take time or it may never happen. Either way they need to watch what they say.
Be careful. He may be changed. Or he may be in the love-bombing stage of the abuse cycle. Here's what I would tell your family. "You're concerned about OP. I am too. We don't know if he's legitimately changed or if he is entering a cycle of abuse with her and this is the love-bombing stage. She doesn't either. "She is trying to do right by her heart and her daughter. If you continue badmouthing her husband, you will only drive a wedge and lose both of them. And one of two things will happen. '1. She'll be happy with her husband and daughter, and you will have no part. "2. You will have helped an abuser isolate his victims and she will have no place to go when he hits the abuse stage again." That's where you are. I truly hope that your husband has changed and that more abuse won't follow. Your family saw what you went through and decided abuse will come again. Frankly, I understand why. His actions put you in the hospital. His actions put you in the hospital. You can forgive him. Do not look at him with rose-colored glasses. He showed you who he was once. Be cautious that who he is now is truly changed.
I think there were enough comments about the part "your family is right to feel this way", so I'll just reply to the question "what can you do". You can't change their feelings, that's for sure, and has been overexplained. What you can do, is choose how to protect yourself from the behaviours that hurt you, and that is setting boundaries. A boundary is only about what YOU do in a specific situation. For example: "it hurts me to hear these things, so from now on, if I hear anything hurtful about the man I have decided to forgive, I will [not respond/ change the subject/ leave the conversation/ leave the room/ stop talking to you - you choose as you deem appropriate]." And you have to enforce that boundary. Meaning, if someone crosses it, you HAVE to do what you said you would. Good luck and I hope no more pain comes your way in this relationship.
GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLL
There's nothing you can do to make anyone forgive a perverted piece of crap.
Your family doesn't need to forgive him, and you can't make them. That's not how forgiveness works. They can hate his guts for his objectively horrible behavior, until such time as they decide that he's earned their forgiveness (if ever,) and still not badmouth him in front of y'all's child. *That's* the important part here. Stop pressuring them to forgive your husband, but tell them in no uncertain terms that they are not to badmouth him to or around your child or you'll remove her and yourself (or your relatives, depending on where the behavior is taking place) from the situation. And then stick to that. If they badmouth him in your home, you tell them to leave. Don't ask, don't bargain, just tell them to leave. And if they badmouth him *outside* your home, *you* leave. Either they'll learn to keep their feelings to themselves around the kid, or they just won't see her.
Everyone’s demonizing this man due to the age gap in your relationship. That’s literally not the problem here. Idc if I get downvoted. He also explicitly said he didn’t want children and wouldn’t change his mind. The problem is his lack of accountability. He was cowardly and selfish. It was your choice to forgive the guy, and if you’re happy you’re happy. It’s up to you to determine whether what he’s done to rectify things matches your standards and quality of partner. Just for an FYI- the poster is almost 30 years old. If this was a 19 year old with a 40 year old, there’s an alarm bell. But a woman who is almost in her 30s being with a man who’s newly in his 50s isn’t the worst most villainous pairing in the world. Everyone has different tastes and preferences and it’s not up to other people to tell you it’s wrong when it’s literally not. There’s nothing predatory here. You can’t make your family forgive the guy. Again, they aren’t living your life. They don’t see all that goes on behind the scenes. They only see what you’ve shown them and what he’s shown them. What’s been shown to them is a guy who can’t handle responsibility even at his age. He left a woman to carry his child simply because he didn’t want to take on the burden of his own actions. The only way to get them to see what you see is by him being who he’s supposed to be. It could be months, years, or may never happen. The only thing that really matters though in your life, is your perception and what you want. It’s not about other people’s opinions. It’s your life. Just keep living it and that’s the best thing you can do. Edit: tell your family they’re entitled to their opinions, but that you don’t want your daughter to grow up in an environment that demonizes her father and your marriage.
If they are happy & want to be a family then I wish them well.
Doubt they will ever forgive him. The best you can ask for is that they be civil and not speak badly about him in front of your daughter . He doesn’t deserve forgiveness just because he’s doing what every decent partner and father does. That’s what he should always have done. They probably won’t ever respect you or your decision to forgive him. So it’s up to you after this . I think you are asking for too much and just dial it back to being civil and not speaking badly about him in front of your daughter . He still doesn’t deserve either of you tho.
I think we need to rename this subreddit. I don’t know what to, but it should include this emoji 🤦🏻
How are you with someone this old and this immature?
Nope, siding with your family on this one. He treated like you shit, and I’d never trust him not to do it again.
If you are so sure of your husband, why do you still have contact with your family? Both you and your family have the right to feel the way they feel. Your family will never forgive your husband after what he did to you. Believe me, there will be no work well done by your husband to prove it, and you are sure that the change. So why continue with a hostile relationship? Unless you are not sure about your husband and believe that in any moment he will do the same thing again. If you are 100% sure of your husband, live your life happily.
I guess the only thing you can do is tell them that it’s your life and your decision and you won’t listen to any further commentary from them about either. Also you will not allow your daughter to be in an environment where she will hear her father criticised, which means they can’t come to your home to see her unless they learn to be grown ups and keep their opinion to themselves. I mean, do they even realise that even if you dumped him, he’d still be a part of your life because you’d share custody of your child? So this fantasy they have of kicking him to the curb and never seeing him again won’t happen for at least 18 years anyway!
lol no one is gonna side with you here. Take off your blinders & grow up.
I agree (with other responses) that you'll never get your family to love him like you do. But you need to get them to change their behavior. Tell them that while you know that their behavior is coming from a place of love and loyalty for you, what you need them to do is respect. Your choice (as an adult). Lay down some ground rules, that around you they are to be respectful to and about him, no insulting and shit talk. Tell them you will not let them be or stay in your house if they are doing so, you will leave functions if they are doing so, and you will opt out of text or phone conversations if they are doing so. And then follow through. And don't be angry or rude or loud about it. Just simple, straightforward, and firm.
yeah, this is my stepsister’s husband selfish, immature asshole who grew up thanks to his wife being patient, but is still a horrible father and yet stepsister thinks her already damaged kids would be worse off without him he has designer glasses because “he’s the husband who works and puts food on the table” and his kid with eye problems doesn’t even have the most basic glasses to just be able to see shit. he’s controlling and immature and all of his kids have anxiety and social interaction issues after he cut off the rest of us for not respecting him enough but stepsister loves him and the small bits of affection he barely sprinkles on his kids is glorified by her constantly we all know, we hold out tongues because we want the kids to know where we live if they ever want to get away, but even my stepmom has given up on my stepsister—she’s an idiot in everyone’s eyes, even if we love her we know she won’t leave him, and so we do what we can to protect the kids at least this is likely similar to how your family feels and they won’t get over it OP they respect you too much for that
Don't expect them to forgive him. I would let them know that you expect them to be polite, especially around your daughter.
Age difference. I'm out.
So many people are hung up on the age gap. Yes, you can have a lot in common with someone in a different age bracket. Sweetie, you need to tell your family that you know that they don't like him, but you will not tolerate them speaking that way of your husband. They can act cordial or you will go no contact. Then do as you say. I also suggest you both go to therapy. It will help you heal further. I understand how hard it is for guys when it comes to unplanned pregnancies, and I've seen all kinds of reactions. Cheated on,but told the baby is theirs, told that the woman was on the pill and then she doesn't say anything until the child is born and goes for child support, woman aborting the baby, when they were excited to be a dad and then get told to man up bc they are mourning. And a woman coercing a man not to use a condom or poking holes in it to trap him. Men have feelings and outbursts of emotions as well. They should be allowed to show them. He took precautions not to have kids, you got pregnant, he thought it couldn't be his bc it's a low chance, and with the way some women are today, I get his response. He is traumatized from seeing his sister go through PPD and would never want to see someone he loves go through that, so he would rather end a relationship than to go through that, but you were hospitalized and bc he loves you he worried and freaked out. Trauma can cause bad reactions. Again, that's why I suggest therapy. Solo and couple.
Your first mistake was dating someone nearly twice your age. Your second mistake was staying in the relationship after he told you he didn't want kids and you did. Smh. Edit to say as well that while he didn't act the best he probably could have, please consider the fact that you are literally baby trapping a person who set their boundaries loud and clear when they started even dating you.
Disgusting age gap.
The fuck is the age gap. Gross. That should’ve been your first red flag.
As soon as I read the age gap I became concerned. Why won’t women his own age date him? Why doesn’t he want to date women with similar life experiences? Girl he put you in HOSPITAL. No one who loves you should be allowed to hospitalise you. And the excuse of ‘I didn’t want to see a woman hurt’ but he hurt you anyway?? So he’s outright lying about caring about hurting women
I’m not marrying anyone who was born when I was 22 years old that’s all I’m saying.
When people show you who they really are, believe them the first time! What did you expect being with a man old enough to be your dad? There is a reason women his age don’t want him. They could have told you that was how he was going to treat you.
It is kind of understandable for him to have doubts considering he had a vasectomy!
u/ThrowRa_ann1, even if this weren't a shitpost: >The first thing he did was accuse me of cheating on him Is he an idiot? Is he projectjng? Are you untrustworthy? >after so many years it was impossible for him to get a woman pregnant What do you even mean by that? >especially at his age Why would you think that? Lol >He told me that when the baby was born he would do a paternity test Why wait? Why leave or even mention it until after the test? >there was very little chance of having children. I guess he lacks comprehension? >was horrible and I had a terrible time to the point that I ended up hospitalized You were hospitalized because he's an ass? What was your diagnosis? >he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves Bahaha *When I (29F) met my husband (51M) he was clear with me and told me that he didn't want to have children and that he wasn't going to change his mind. I understood and I was so in love that I was willing to sacrifice that for him. But life had other plans and I got pregnant and although it wasn't in our plans I was happy but he wasn't. The first thing he did was accuse me of cheating on him and getting pregnant by someone else (he had a vasectomy) and he told me that after so many years it was impossible for him to get a woman pregnant from one day to the next, especially at his age.* *Things got so bad that he broke up with me and even wanted a divorce, and for a month he was convinced he wanted to end our marriage. He told me that when the baby was born he would do a paternity test, because he didnt trust that that would be possible, especially considering that he always visited his doctor and they told him that there was very little chance of having children. That hurt me but I accepted because I had nothing to hide.* *I won't lie, for me it was horrible and I had a terrible time to the point that I ended up hospitalized, which was thanks to that he reconsidered and took a step back and apologized for being an idiot, and to be honest he spent several months begging for my forgiveness and finally before our daughter was born I forgave him, because I wanted to start over before she was born. We did the paternity test even though he no longer thought it was necessary and of course it confirmed that the baby is his. When my family found out that I had forgiven him, they were furious. I told them that his sister was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because after having her baby she developed postpartum depression, and he always said that he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves, but they didn't care and said horrible things to me when they found out that I forgave him.* *I know what he did was horrible but he really changed and begged for forgiveness long enough, it's not like I forgave him overnight. Also, he is an amazing dad, he adores our daughter and treats me like a queen and I feel loved and, above all, I'm very happy but my family doesn't understand it. They only come to our house to talk bad about him and to ignore him or treat him badly. And I don't think he deserves it, I mean at the beginning he did deserve it but not anymore. He proved that his apology was genuine and that's all that matters. I don't want my daughter to grow up listening to the things my family says or seeing how they treat her dad. What can I do so that they understand that it was my decision to forgive him and that I want them to respect him?*
Not sure why people here are going on about the age gap. Not like OP said she met the guy as a teenager, or even early 20’s. She’s an adult and free to love whomever she wants. I think it’s only natural for a man that’s had a vasectomy to assume the worst if their partner were to become pregnant. While it can happen, it’s very rare. Vasectomies are almost 100% effective. Pregnancy happens in 1 in every 1000 cases within the first year, and the longer it’s been since the procedure the less likely failure will occurred. Late failure rates range from 0.04 to 0.08%. OP said nothing about him being abusive, even though that word was being mentioned by several commenters. He has an emotional reaction yo an emotional situation. Sounds like he came to his senses before the paternity tests and is making up for it. Humans have this uncanny ability to let their emotions get the best of them at times. As for OP’s family, their opinions don’t matter. They should keep their mouth shut around OP and the child.
Reddit, you have failed. None of the comments in here make sense. Acting like vasectomies fail every other time is the height of disingenuous mental gymnastics. I don’t care what age, or any of the other distractions y’all keep coming up with. If any man has a vasectomy, and his SO turns up pregnant, it is reasonable to consider that cheating may have occurred. But no, the guy is an AH for this? You commenters are sickening hypocrites.
Girl you’re too damn old to be this foolish.
If anyone hurt my baby the way that he hurt you, especially given the fact that he is old enough to be your father, it would be a hard time for me to let that go. The very best, he's an idiot. At the very worst he's a manipulative narcissist.
Fake
All you can ask them to do is be polite. Tell them they can’t speak negative about your child father around your child, if they choose to speak negatively about him around your daughter they will be asked to leave or you will leave the situation. Your family will never forgive him. I’m speaking from personal experience. My stepdaughter has twins with someone who is about 15 years older than her. He is AH, none of us like him. He accused her of cheating because one of twins is fair skin with blue eyes. My husband is a white man with blue eyes, it’s called genetics. None of us speak ill of him around the kids, that’s their dad. But when he’s around, we are polite. But if he was on fire , none us would pee on take out the fire. If we are honest, we barely help my stepdaughter. We do things for the kids, but we don’t do anything for my stepdaughter. Her choices have caused us to lose respect for her. You need to have a discussion about their behavior when your daughter is present. But you can’t ask them to forgive, all you can ask them to do is be cordial.
Lmao I didn’t read the post the title is wild enough
Just because you forgave him and moved on doesn’t mean your family should or needs to do the same. They don’t owe him their forgiveness, and you can’t force them. You can set boundaries with them as far as their behavior and comments to your husband and in front of your daughter. But that’s it. You may need to choose between them and your own nuclear family.
My advice to you is you need to gain some self respect and education. You're with a guy almost twice your age and you begged for him back? Grow a damn spine and date around your age
Tell your family that you genuinely appreciate their concern and the fact that they have your back. However out of respect for you they need to follow your lead,you’ve decided to forgive him and while you cannot dictate how they feel you can dictate how they act around all of you, ( you, your husband, and child) If they don’t have the emotional intelligence to do that they you will not be associating with them as frequently. Girl he better be worth it!
Your family will never forgive him, nor should they, but has he gone to them to apologize? He forced them to watch their child go through unimaginable pain. The fact he never wanted kids because he “never wanted to put someone he loves through so much pain” will sound pretty bullshit to your parents because he did exactly that to you, just not through postpartum depression. He needs to man up and go have a conversation with them alone without you present. He needs to be prepared to not get that forgiveness but going to them and owning up to what he did and take the ass chewing they’ll probably give him with humble understanding and not getting defensive might help calm the flames a bit. After that, let your family know that you understand why they probably wont ever forgive him but you, the wronged party, has. While they don’t have to like him, they need to at least be cordial. You aren’t interested in hearing them talk bad about him, if they want to do that, they can keep it amongst themselves. I’d also stress that you will not tolerate any bad mouthing of him in front of your child. Ever. I’d also point out that if things ever did get bad between you two again, it makes it less likely that you’ll reach out to them for help because they are already gearing up for “I told you so’s”. Lastly, I really hope he has changed and this isn’t just a temporary honeymoon period. You need to protect yourself. Start saving a certain amount of money that is in your own account that no one else knows about. If he left again in a year, would you be able to take care of yourself and your child? What would you do if he did? Start building yourself a safety net now just in case. It’s not a bad idea for all women to do this honestly, not just in case a partner leaves but if they pass away as well. You have a child to think about now, not just yourself. Better to be prepared and not need it than to need it and not be prepared.
You can’t do much. They are entitled to feel and have an opinion on your husband whom at your most vulnerable left u and accused u of infidently. Facts are facts. He showed that he cannot be trusted. Sorry ain’t going to cut it after they had to witness and be part of that emotional torment. U do know it hurt him to watch what happened to u right? This isn’t something that can be forgiven. There is distrust now. You could ask them to be civil. Just cause u forgave him doesn’t mean the rest of them do. Civil around him for the sake of your child? Sure. In addition, your mother had to watch her 29 young daughter get with someone who’s old enough to be her dad and witness how horridly he treats her daughter. You’re out of your mind to expect her to feel less after what he did. You have a child now. Do you think if your child was treated the same way you’d forgive the perpetrator that made your child suffer? Your family now is anticipating to catch u, should he fail as a husband and partner again. The trust is gone. And u can’t ignore the facts just cause ur willing to blind and forgive him. U can ask them to not have ur daughter hear how her daddy accused mommy of infidelity and left her to fend for herself after she got pregnant to prevent ur daughter from feeling unwanted. But that’s it. Unless u want to cut off ur family who was actually there for u from being part of ur daughter’s life.
Another age gap problem. Shocker.
His sister suffered post partum depression and he didn't want to cause that type of pain to another woman. But is he OK with causing you pain? Is he ok questioning your morals? He accused you of being unfaithful. He left you. Seriously? If I were your family, I would never forgive or forget his treatment of you. It is my belief that something like this is going to happen again. I'm sorry.
Yeah, it is going to be hard finding any sympathy around here. Hopefully your family doesn’t trash talk your husband in front of your child,but beyond that I don’t think I could keep my mouth shut or avoid showing my intense distaste around your spouse if I was in your family. My guess is your family never approved of your marriage and always disliked your husband without any real cause - if you don’t count The age thing. Then your husband just confirmed everything negative they thought about him. And I am sure none of them bought the lame “sister” reason. That was almost laughable. So there isn’t anything you can do to make them forgive him. He doesn’t deserve it. The only advice I can give you is you might be tempted to go low or no contact with them and your husband Might encourage you to do so. Please don’t. You are going to need them and their support. So will your child.
Oh honey get that divorce, get lots and lots of therapy so you'll find out why you have so little self-esteem and so that you won't get fooled again. And please don't ever date a daddy figure again particularly one who is so very damaged controlling and abusive, and do not bring children up to think that how you've been living/How he treated you like this is okay.
That age difference… wow you guys are in completely different stages in your life
This might be an unpopular opinion, but what he did was abusive. I think they are just concerned about his morals. How happy would you be if a guy got her pregnant and then abandoned her? I just have a hard time believing that this was the first time he has had an anger and trust issues. The only thing you can do at this point is ask your family not to bad mouth him in front of your kid. It can be devastating for kids to find out they weren’t wanted. If they won’t do that, then they don’t get access to her.
>he always said that he didn't want to cause that pain to a woman he loves But it's okay to cause pain by accusing someone of cheating and pursuing a divorce while they're pregnant with your baby? OKAY. Actions, meet consequences. He decided to act in a despicable manner and the consequence is that your family no longer likes or trusts him. Now I guess you'll have to figure out what consequences you're willing to enact to protect your husband, which might mean not inviting your family over to your home anymore. And hope this doesn't mean your partner sees this as a sign it's safe to get angry and unsafe with you again.