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I think the issue is that you're offering him sex where he can be "satisfied ", but not you, and that in itself is not satisfying to him. It's nice that your willingness to make him "happy" overrides your disinterest in sex, or at least that is what your intent is, but it just may not fulfill what he seeks when he wants to have sex with you.

Well said. True intimacy requires mutual enjoyment and connection. Fulfilling only one partner's needs can leave the other feeling emotionally distant and unfulfilled.

A possible solution or at least an option to try is to increase other intimacy methods to see if it helps libido. Cuddling, long hugs, general closeness & increased physical touch *without assumption of sexual escalation* could help re-establish some of the lost libido.

It doesn't work like that when breastfeeding. The hormones that make the milk flow also suppress libido. Romance or cuddles might not work at all because it won't create the hormone flow that normally occurs when a woman isn't breastfeeding, which make physical arousal possible. The same thing happened to me during my breastfeeding periods, and my husband is sexy, fit, sweet, and a brilliant lover. My animal body wouldn't respond to anything for a while after each baby.

Bingo! That’s what I came here to say! I think appeasement sex is awful and worse than no sex in most cases. It’s much easier to enjoy it when your partner is too.

I came here to say this, what this poster said above. I of course don’t know if he’s thinking this way or not. However, OP, let me say it in a different way: you are offering him to be an equivalent to a dildo or a vibrator; to be taken out of the drawer to use whenever the mood strikes and then put away once the deed is done, with no emotional attachment. I think, **he wants you to want to have sex with him.** I don’t think he’s looking for pity sex or a starfish sex, because the way you are describing it, there’s a good possibility of sex being that way.

This totally resonates with me. I (M) am all about sex, but if i feel like I’m an inconvenience, I might as well go to the hardware store and buy a drill bit to put a hole in the wall I can stick my dick into. But OPs true sentiment is clear. She wants him. Just temporarily a little short on the motivation for here and now. He’s a very lucky man! Most men are pushed right into second place when baby arrives. I’d say fake it til you make it, but you have to confront the reality that a new baby in the house is a huge amount of work and your body has literally been converted into a restaurant for the tiny tot. Everyone has to understand how taxing that is on every level. OP is also lucky to have such good communication. Oh and the last thing I want to say is it’s temporary. Hang in there. You’ll be back into the (sex) swing of things before you know it ;)

It's called 'duty sex'. My clients hate it so much they hire me instead of submitting themselves to that. I am told it feels like "sanctioned rape", "fucking a bag of straw". Sex is only a currency when it's your job. It should not be used as currency in a health relationship.

> I have no idea why, but this made him upset He wants to be intimate with his wife that he has a shared connection with. He wants to have sex with someone who actively wants to have sex with him. Offering yourself up like a sex doll for his satisfaction isn't going to give him what he wants or needs.

It’s actually a sign of a good husband/ human being. OP thinks that she would get happiness out of that duty sex because he would be happy. I think she would get resentful with time when he would force painful sex on her when she is dry or touched out. OP, intimacy is more than sex. What about a massage, cuddles in bed, etc. for a while.

Intimacy can take many forms, and building emotional closeness through non-sexual touch can strengthen the bond between you two.

Honestly this reads as both sides being good partners. She sees her husband has a need and she desires to fulfill that need. She's blind to his view of things because to her she's eager to please while he doesn't want to use his wife as a sex doll and sees the potential pitfalls there. It's kind of like that old story where the husband sells his prized pocket watch to get his wife a set of beautiful combs for her well kept hair and she sells her hair to buy him a fancy new chain for his watch. They just need to sit back and have a good laugh about it all then discuss things properly with each other.

That story is called *The Gift of the Magi*. It was written by the author, O. Henry.

Thanks! I just vaguely remembered it and this whole post really made me think of it.

This is great.

We should never be having sex with someone that is dry. That’s what foreplay is for. Forcing painful sex on someone is not acceptable ever and I think it’s strange place to take this based on what OPs said. She isn’t saying her husband can just stick it into her whenever he wants. She’s giving him the green light to initiate intimacy and that includes foreplay to get her in the mood.

The point is she can't get in the mood... if all it took was foreplay, this post wouldn't even exist.

The follow up she gave doesn’t support this though; she says she enjoys sex once she gets going?

The way I read it is that he refuses to try even foreplay (probably) bc she doesn’t want the sex at the moment (due to hormonal changes)

Yeah that’s how I read it too. Which doesn’t really seem fair to me because it’s her hormones which are causing the lack of libido. She just needs him to initiate for a bit so she can get warmed up. Which seems reasonable to me given the fact that the reason her hormones are scrambled is because she’s grown and is providing nutrients to their child. I think this is a communication issue. Understandable because they both love and care about each other and are trying to do what’s each think is best for the other. I don’t think being 100% selfless is always the best. OPs hubby needs to see that his needs are important too and his wife wants to meet him in the middle.

Yeah, even stress or work can be a factor for women. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t need sex or doesn’t want him or wouldn’t enjoy it, it’s just at the moment she doesn’t have such strong desire. But maybe she can still be aroused. Idk

I mean stress and work can DEF be factors for men too! But I think your point is still valid - she doesn't feel "horny" basically, but once he initiates she'll still get aroused and enjoy the sex. If he asks if she's "in the mood" at the end of a long day the answer will always be no, but if they spend some time kissing/touching/foreplaying her answer will likely switch to yes.

This. One thing my husband made clear to me while I have mh crisis is that not unless I'm enthusiastic. If he thinks I'm doing it just bc he wants me to, then he doesn't want it

I honestly don’t see what she’s doing as ‘offering herself up as a sex doll’ or ‘pity / appeasement sex’ and I find those suggestions to be quite demeaning towards OP and her relationship. It’s quite natural for your libido to ebb and flow, especially after childbirth. It’s a hormonal thing in that case (because it’s risky to get pregnant again soon after giving birth). She can’t make her body produce the same physiological response as she used to. What she is saying here is that she wants to have sex with her husband on a psychological level. You can’t blame people for their hormones being out of whack. Just because we’re not orgasming all the time and we’re not extremely horny, doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy the physical and emotional intimacy of having sex with our partners. It doesn’t mean she’s lying there like a fish, just waiting for it to end. I think that’s a really ungenerous interpretation. I can see where this is coming from when you consider her partners response, but condensing the complexity of this situation down to OP offering herself up as a sex slave is fundamentally misunderstanding the dynamics at play. This is simply a wife who wants to be intimate with her husband (because she loves him) despite her libido being damped by her hormones. There’s no need to dehumanise her by calling her a sex doll.

The problem lies in the title to this post: **How can I get my husband to understand that we can be intimate whenever he wants, although I won't always want to?** OP has the right idea in that she is able to distinguish what she desires as a wife and loving partner from what her body desires as a manifestation of a sexual being. While her husband may be aware of this distinction, the fact of the matter is that there is only one person in front of him to answer his question: his wife. When he asks *"Are you in the mood for sex?"* She needs to pause and consider before answering this question. Any answer she gives is going to be taken as a definitive representation of her present state. If she says *"Yes we can have sex even though I don't want to."* The husband will hear her say, *"... I don't want to."* and interpret that as being a no. The problem here is that her internal deliberations are really none of his business, and she would be wise to not disclose them. Consider this alternative possibility: When asked the above question, OP thinks to herself, *"My body's level of interest is 'meh'. Nonetheless, I still want intimacy with my husband."* For those times when she chooses to override her body's lack of sexual desire, she needs to do that by speaking in one clear, unambiguous voice. *"Yes, husband. I want to have sex though I will need some assistance from you to get me going."* It's OK for her to have conflicted feelings. It's not OK for her to push those internal conflicts out to her husband. Otherwise, he will start treating his wife like she is a committee that requires unanimous consent to advance the day's business. Unless every aspect of his wife signs off on agreeing to have sex, the answer defaults to 'no'.

amazing comment

I am a man with prostrate cancer. So to control it the doctors use hormones blockers. This stopped the production of testosterone. The symptoms are very close to menopause. This leaves me and most men with very low sex drive. ED meds work for me and orgasms are rare. But I absolutely love giving orgasms to my wife! Making her happy truly makes me happy. I still love the sex we have, maybe even more. I don’t think it is a check box or a chore. Doing something to help your partner be happy shouldn’t be a chore it should be love. I am sooo happy I can still please my wife.

This should be the top comment. Aside from this, I genuinely think this is something all couples do routinely. You’re not always going to be in the mood at the exact same time. It’s not a chore, it can just be another expression of love and affection if not momentary carnal desire. Organic2003, I wish you a speedy recovery!

Thank you bluest! I am blessed that the cancer meds have worked much better than expected. My wife is so afraid, but it looks like I will live much longer than expected. May you have a full life of fun and love. Hopefully OPs husband finds love in his wife’s desire to be with her.

Yes I agree. But couples who do this routinely sometimes, don't outright admit to the other person-- I'm just doing this for you, cuz I'm not actually in the mood. Because if the other person has any kind of empathy or self-worth, they're going to feel bad about it just as OP's husband does. I think honesty should be given, when honesty is needed

I mean, I don't think this really should be the top comment because it doesn't really address the issue. She's doing exactly what this poster is doing and it appears to be unpleasant for OP's husband. He wants the connection of pleasing her/wanting her to want him as well, if she's not emotionally/mentally there, then it doesn't seem to amount to much for the husband.

Yes this is a great comment. Keep talking to your husband. You want to make him happy because his pleasure matters to you, that’s beautiful and maybe it was the approach (have me whenever you want) that caused him sadness. But maybe he’d rather wait, make sure you explain how much breastfeeding impacts libido (it killed mine 100%) but you’ll be done breastfeeding around a year I assume which isn’t very far off…. Don’t stop talking and hear each other!

Thank you for sharing. :)

Thank you for saying this. I love pleasing my husband. Sometimes we have sex when he’s horny and I’m not. Because I WANT to do that for and with him. I can want to have sex even if I’m not turned on. And I can want to have sex even if I know that all of my enjoyment will come from his. For us, most of our sex isn’t like this, but maybe 20% is, and he knows this and he appreciates it, and it works for us.

Exactly how relationships should be ❤️❤️❤️ My husband has recently shifted and now even on nights where we don’t have PIV, he actually wants to please me and is satisfied with that. Massages, playing with my hair, shaving my legs for me…he’s started doing all of this to increase our intimacy and I love it!!

Thank you for explaining this. This is how I feel. I am going through perimenopause, and my hormones are a roller coaster. Sometimes I do not feel physically aroused, but I still want to be intimate. I still want to be the wife I've always been. I don't want us to stop having that, just because my body has betrayed me.

I’m sorry to hear about your disease, but I’m happy for you and your wife about both your attitudes regarding sexual intimacy. You sound like a great guy. However, I do think it’s important to note that not everyone will be able to enjoy pure giving. Or being the recipient in such a situation. And that doesn’t make either of them a bad person. For many people, part of enjoying sex is seeing your partner enjoying themselves too, more than in a pure giving scenario. I think in your situation I’d to some extent be happy to be the giver, but to be the recipient would require the removal of many mental barriers on my side. Some of which would would require me to see her as more of a tool than as a human being, and that’s a barrier I wouldn’t want to cross. But just to be clear, this is not criticism to either you or your wife! I’m happy for both of you. I’m just noting that this won’t always work. And it sounds like OP’s partner is a guy like that.

>He asked if I wanted to. I told him I can't really make myself be in the mood, but making him happy makes happy so that's what I get out of it. I have no idea why, but this made him upset. He said he doesn't want intimacy to be a chore for me, just some checkbox to fill for the day. I've tried explaining that making him happy is what I want, but I don't think he got what I meant... I don't know what's not to get. A big part of the enjoyment of sex comes from the feeling of being mutually desired. Otherwise it just feels masturbatory, worse potentially, because at least during masturbation you can fantasize about the other person actually sexually desiring you. The idea of someone having sex with me out of any motivation other than mutual sexual desire, even if it's from a loving desire to keep me happy honestly sounds gross to me. It would also make me feel like a user and completely depersonalizes my partner in my mind. That kind of sex can actually have the opposite effect that sex is supposed to, it can make the man feel undesirable. One of the least sexiest things a man can hear is "I'll have sex with you if it will keep you happy". Absolute yuck, What am I a sexual charity case? People go through phases where the libido dips. That's fine. You can do other things together. Cuddle in front of a movie in bed, cook together, go out on dates. Maintenance sex? Not so much. >I feel like I literally can't win in this situation. There's nothing to win or lose here. You haven't gotten back your libido several months post-partum. You're hardly the first woman to have experienced this. Most men who are worth a shit can deal with this. Sure it's not ideal, but neither is your postpartum libido loss. It is what it is. If it remains an issue after a year then consider seeing a doctor or therapist.

This needs to be higher up. So many women feel they should sleep with their partner even if they don't want to and it's complete bs. OP, your man is right to reject your proposal. Honestly, I'd be quite worried for you if he had accepted.

Yeah, I feel like that would be kinda like rape to me, because if it’s just passive willingness, that ain't truly consent.

There are women who have “given into” sex who didnt want it, the dont tell their partners, but still end up feeling violated after. Although you cant fault the partner for not knowing, the emotional toll of having sex when you dont want to still is there

Hey OP, it’s natural to feel this way after babies. Natural. Worst time for libido outside of menopause

1. Nobody is being an AH here. You’re battling your hormones and feel like your husband is getting taken out in the cross fire. He is battling it with you. 2. It will take time for you to settle out, especially because you’re still breastfeeding. 3. The intimacy he’s talking about is that feeling of being locked into sex with your partner. Totally on the same mental page without talking… this may take some time. Not just getting a nut off. Finally, this is normal in my opinion. Some women just aren’t there mentally yet and that’s okay. You just grew a human and are trying to make sure it is growing okay. Just remember your husband is asking for a mental connection, not a physical one. He just doesn’t know how to say it.

Great comment i wish was higher

Info do you get in the mood or want it after he initiates wiith foreplay? After I had my daughter for a long time I had responsive desire. Literally sex was never on my mind I didn't crave it and honestly would have just not had it at all if my partner never initiated however once he would initiate it I would get in the mood. I just needed to get going to want it. instead of saying " I don't want sex but I'll do it for you" I basically told him right now while sex is not actively on my mind if you initiate and start with foreplay I do want it! Idk if that's the case your having but if so it will probably feel better if it's explained to him that way rather than him feeling like your just laying down for him to do his thing. It took me about a year or so for me to feel closer to normal libido wise.

he seems like a great guy. Noone (normal) would want their spouse to take part in a sex act that they themselves arent excited about. :)

Some men maintain emotional connections with their partners through sex. When he knows you're "in the mood," he knows that you desire him. If you're not in the mood, if it's just pity sex, then you aren't expressing a shared desire for each other. That shared desire is part of what feels special to him. It's something the two of you only share with each other. It lets him know he his wanted, valued, loved, and safe in your arms. If he knows it's just something you're doing to "meet his needs," then it feels like his feelings for you aren't reciprocated. It makes the act feel lonely and hollow. So here's what you do. First, you tell him this: "Honey, I love you with my whole heart. I'm so happy to be your wife, and I'm so glad you're the father of our child. Unfortunately, because I'm breast feeding, the hormones in my body will not let me get physically "in the mood" for sex. However, that doesn't mean I don't want to be close to you. I still want to share intimacy with you. I want to express our love for each other sexually. This is not a chore for me. Turning you on and getting you off will give me great joy. So let's buy some lube, let's go to the bedroom, and let me show you how much I love you." Then, when you're in the bedroom, make sure to show him that you're into it with your facial expressions. Kiss him, smile at him, and let him see you joyful when he orgasms. If you're still able to orgasm, please make sure you get off, too! If you can't orgasm, just tell him that your ability to orgasm will return once your hormones level off after breastfeeding ends, and that until then, his joy is your joy, too. Initiate sex for the first few times until he gets the idea that you don't view sex with him as a chore. The next time he asks if you're in the mood, just say, "Yes." Don't say, "I'm not in the mood, but we can still go to the bedroom." That's an erection killer. Just say, "Let's go, baby!" because you know he's in the mood, and you've already stated that you're willing to have sex whenever he's in the mood. If it's not a convenient time for sex, don't just say, "Not now." Say, "Now's not a great time, but how about when the baby goes down for a nap this afternoon?" If you do this, he'll start to understand that intimacy with him isn't a chore. It's something that you still enjoy doing.

Men claim they hate it when women fake it, but that’s what this is. Don’t tell him how you really feel - pretend! And guess what? The better you pretend the quicker he gets off and it’s over and you can then go back to not faking sex. This comment is a slippery slope to rewarding the wife for faking it. And even though her intentions are good, eventually when you sit back and realize your partner prefers it when you’re fake and he doesn’t mind you not really being into it you lose all attraction. Once my libido came back after breastfeeding it was like a part of me waking up and realizing my ex didn’t care about my sexual desire at all made me rethink the whole relationship. I can’t speak for men but as a woman putting his desires before myself and seeing how much he liked fake me killed my attraction in the long run.

I love the energy, but it really sounds like you're telling her to get better at faking her desire so he won't know that she's having troubles with her libido. To just be more creative in faking her sex drive?

...and then just force yourself to have sex every day. Because you're teaching him that your desire isn't important. Just exposing a potential pitfall 

You can desire someone emotionally even if your libido is low due to breastfeeding hormones.  The key here is the wife is WILLING. I have experienced what she is talking about back in the day and know you don't have to shut the door on intimacy even if the hormones are wonky.

Teaching him? She already straight up said it.

Yeah that reads more like Sex Work 101.

Again, she herself said she’s not forcing herself. She WANTS to be intimate. What’s not clicking?

Your husband finds having sex with a disinterested person to be a turn off. Does your husband masturbate? Have you thought about enhancing his masturbation sessions instead? Get naked with him and hold him while he masturbates. You could also lend a hand or use a male sex toy on him. If it's allowed in your relationship, you could add porn. This would be an act of love from you to him. This could be more sexually stimulating to him than his making love to a woman who clearly isn't into it.

I wholeheartedly agree with joining in the masturbation session by lying in bed next to him naked. I think that can add intimacy. Careful about making porn the norm and replacing sex and intimacy with porn.

You should have just said "my hormones are messing with me so I'm having a hard time initiating but I'm keen to bang whenever you want" and left it at that.

I have a much, much higher drive than any partner I've ever been with. But I feel incredibly sexually fulfilled in my current relationship. A lot of this is because he will help me get off even when he's not there because giving me pleasure gives him pleasure in its own way. It's a very hard thing to understand, especially when - for so many years — I tied a lot of my worth to what I could give people sexually. I think it's worth trying to explain it to him as a sexual incompatibility issue for the moment, but not one that is always there, or that will last forever. That you still love him and want to be intimate with him, but that you find it hard to initiate. That the right question isn't "Are you in the mood", but "Would you like to share that intimacy with me." It's not about mood as much as it is about love. And equating sex or sexual intimacy to a thing that only happens when you're in a mood sets a weird standard that I'm not sure I'm all the way here for.

Sometimes it takes a bit to feel sexy again after having a baby. Your body has been taxed heavily from childbirth, not to mention the tiredness after they get here. I’ve been there myself for sure. Keeping those lines of communication open is crucial. May even be worth seeing a dr for a physical to see if it’s a medical reason like thyroid.

I can say after basically 6 years of being a bangmaid/sex doll... (no baby in picture) it's not good for you long term even if you think it will keep them happy and you dont mind. You eventually will mind.

My wife was the same after pregnancy. What your husband wants/needs to hear is: ‘I know I’m not intimate with you, the man I love, right now. It’s not you, I’m still in love with you and still attracted to you. This will get better, I do wánt to want you. ‘ Not ‘I’ll make you orgasm whenever you want’. He’s probably quite capable of that himself.

I think this is good advice because OP shouldn't feel like sex is a duty to fulfil. I also wanted to add that it might be worth it for them to get a babysitter and start having dates again to reconnect and spend some time together. That kind of emotional intimacy and feeling like a person again, rather than just a Mom might rekindle things if even for just that night. Add to this, just days where he takes over the baby stuff for an hour or two can give her body the rest it needs but probably isn't getting. If she's healthy, relaxed and not exhausted, she's more likely to be in the headspace for intimacy.

You are both "right" in a sense. If you haven't read it, Nagoski s book Come As You Are might help you better understand one another. Him: part of his core need is, perhaps, to be wanted/desired. He's seeing that through a lens of spontaneous desire and you both agree you can't "make" that happen. Her: part of your core need may be taking care of your husband and having intimacy with him. You do desire that, it seems. You are closer than it feels. Also, when hormones from breastfeeding and birth control are involved in may be that your desire is more responsive (see the book recommendation above). While it would be nice for everyone to have synced up spontaneous desire, with time and age, both of you will have seasons where your desire is responsive. That is to say, you are open to sex, but don't "WANT" it until you get going with it. Scheduling sex can help. Or issuing a challenge to have sex 5 days in a row or something. Define what counts as sex before you get started (a broad definition might be best).

You basically told him you don't want sex but that he can still have sex with you if he wants to. When he's in the mood he's going to be questioning if you want it or not, that's a lot of pressure. You really need to walk back what you said if 'no sex' is not the message you want to send. Maybe explain that you're too tired to initiate, or too busy think about when to have sex or when to initiate, and ask him to figure out the logistics of having everything ready. Set aside a time to have sex and then do that. 

Have you tried other ways of physical intimacy? Spending some time together touching each other nicely, naked cuddles, massage, that kind of thing? It can help remind your body that sexy times are fun and help you *find* the mood again, but it can also help provide alternative ways for you two to connect and be intimate while your motor is off.

Are you enthusiastic while actually being intimate? Have you told/ shown him that you enjoy it even though you may not feel spontaneous desire? I'm almost 7 months postpartum and also dealing with low libido. I was previously the higher libido partner. When I asked my husband if he was bothered by the fact that I had stopped initiating, he said that he noticed but understood that I "was going through some things" and was just grateful that I was still receptive and an active participant when he initiated.

In my opinion: He feels like he’s taking advantage of you. You actively said you’re doing it just to please him, insinuating you don’t want to do it. Maybe bring up Free Use, that’s sort of what you were implying and say you’d like to try it. Maybe initiate more than you would ordinarily, showing through actions you want him. But based on what you wrote, he doesn’t want to feel like he’s raping you, or that you’re faking enjoyment. Regardless of your “permission” to have sex whenever he wants, you also went further and said you wouldn’t always be into it, which no decent guy having a sex life(not related to consensual non consent) wants to do.

Agreed – I think OP could reframe this in a way that seems less demeaning (to her). She could emphasize wanting to please him, in much the same way that, say, giving oral or something isn't orgasmic for the partner providing the favor but may still be enjoyable.

I think perhaps you see this as a gesture of kindness. However, I don't think many people would appreciate this offer if they cared about the other person. How would you feel if your husband said, 'well I don't really enjoy or feel much about the marriage but we can continue because I like to see you happy, your happiness is important to me'? I imagine you'd be pretty upset, and possibly consider ending the marriage. Now I know it's not on the same scale but the reason for the comparison is that we generally don't like going along with something related to intimacy when the other person isn't really enjoying it.

My husband and I will say yo each other, “yes but it’ll be a long warm up. The mind is willing but the body is weak.”    We have two small kids that get up several times a night, full time jobs, rentals, a fixer upper house, and we aren’t young enough to not sleep and feel okay.    I want to have sex several times a week, theoretically, and so does my husband - but the reality is that my body (and my husbands body) just doesn’t get the message. And that happens and is okay.  It’s enjoyable once we get there but the getting there might take some time. Frequent spontaneous desire might not come back for a couple years - especially if you’re the primary caregiver and are aALWAYS listening for the baby monitor - nothing says relaxing like waiting for a baby to cry during sex.    I’d say therapy so you can explain it better and he can understand better.  Edit: also you need a sitter that takes the kid *out of the house* - they can’t stay there because it’s creepy and you’ll still listen. I felt comfortable with a nanny at about 9-10 months with my first kid. 

First there is nothing wrong with what you are suggesting and frankly it’s a positive mindset. It has been beaten into men that they always need to get their partners off and this is for obvious reasons. Some men don’t care and many that do often still struggle. Sex ideally is fun for both partners. All that being said - life is complicated, some times things are out of sync. We can deal with this like adults or we can only do things when the stars align. Being happy to have sex just for your partner happiness is not a crime. Giving someone an orgasm is great. I have found letting them know you don’t need to cum, and that that is ok helps a lot. Just enjoy it, usually it is pretty quick but it gets the demons out lol. Obviously sex when both are super horny is fantastic. But zero sex for a long period of time sucks too. Don’t over think it and give your man permission to just enjoy himself.

ah, i can relate to you here! for me, i would be so in my head with work/kids/life that i forgot myself to make it a priority. we starting using this relationship app called official because it has these sex position cards that act almost like a dating app (you swipe left/right and see which ones you match on!). it made me actually get excited to explore more and reprioritize sex in my day to day. small tip but might help :)

He doesn't want to use you as a human fleshlight just to get his rocks off. What you're proposing isn't intimacy, it's just sex. Intimacy implies a shared connection between two partners who desire one another, so if you're not wanting him, it's not going to work for him.

I've been married a long time: - When young I thought sex had to be mutual and both had to have an orgasm. - A little older and we learned more and it became fun to have "this is just for you this time" encounters and one of us would get what we needed. - It is not always the case that you have a libido drive for initiating but once things warm up and you have intimate time and foreplay, you are very much into it. - We have been through a lot and there have been times where I have been unable to participate due to physical limitations and he has been very happy to just receive but that came with age and time. Some of these comments are why women fake orgasms. Maybe try telling him that you really want to have sex but it has to be okay with him if you're unable to orgasm and it won't be because of him in any way, it is your body healing (believe me there is a very good chance that somewhere near 50 he won't be able to even get an erection at times and he'll be thankful he has the experience of only one person having an orgasm and that being okay) and you will enjoy the closeness. I think there is a good chance this may lead to an orgasm for both of you, you just need a different touch right now.

I literally just went through this. Trust me on this: Talk about sex. There are phone apps that help with this, stimulate conversation and such. Share fantasies. Try new stuff. Watch porn together. Get kinky af. Anything to stimulate your imagination again, which will in turn, improve your libido. It worked for us.

Can you share some of the apps? I could be interested!

We've been using "Paired." There are a lot of discussion categories outside of sex, but for our purposes, we focus on the sex theme and use the others to just sprinkle in some variety. Just make sure you're both thinking about it at least 1-2 times per day. And be honest with each other.

There’s no way in hell I could have sex with someone who wasn’t in to it and enjoying it. Might as well use a dildo.

So don’t lie to him. When you give in for his sake do you eventually get into it or is the whole thing for show? You can change your approach, more foreplay, toys, lube, role play, etc to give yourself a chance to warm up to the idea. If it’s not working and you’re really not feeling it, say so and stop. Give each other grace while you transition back to focusing on each other after becoming parents. The last thing you want to do is add stress to the situation - that’s going to do nothing for anybody’s libido. Communication, grace, and patience … that’s what you need.

No need to convince him, sounds like he is willing to wait. Agree to discuss again in 3 months if nothing changes.

Uhh, it's because you told him you aren't interested in him lol. There was a period of time where my girlfriend was dealing with some stuff she was keeping to herself and kept shutting down my advances. When the time finally came where she was feeling up to it again I wasn't actually able to perform because I was sitting in my head feeling like she didn't actually want to have sex with me and didn't want to have sex with someone who isn't into it. Sure, some guys are gross pigs... but its really not as many of us as you think lol. I would probably just really break it down for him why you are having such a hard time.

He wants to be wanted, and is willing to wait.

You could bring up free use and see how he feels about it. Could help to have a label for it. But like other people said, he might not be into that.

Sometimes, your body needs a reminder of what intimacy and love feels like. Your mind is in baby mode and it’s not going to feel sexy. A side effect of you having intimacy with your husband can actually kick-start your libido in time. It doesn’t have to be only about making him happy, it’s about making you happy and building back your libido. After I had my twins, I can’t say my libido was back in high gear right away, but I still wanted that exchange of love with my husband. It didn’t take too long before my libido was back on track.

I always feed off my wife and truly want her to want me and would never want pity sex.

I'm late here but I think it would be helpful for you to frame it in the context of "responsive desire," which is something common for women or people with just generally lower testosterone to experience in a romantic relationship where your sex life is pleasurable and healthy but you're often tired or occupied by other things. When I'm on vacation, I want to fuck all the time. When I'm working a lot, I need my partner to initiate in order to jumpstart that response. I don't have a low libido, I just need to be touched first in a way that he knows I like!

Would you want sex with him if you knew he wasn’t in the mood? This is a *good sign*

Try to sell him on the concept of r/freeuse and really lean into the idea that him initiating and "using you" for his pleasure is the kind of sex life you want. Verbally express gratitude when he initiates and when he finishes.

I’ve been there. Feeling touched out from kids is a real thing, and I had some PPD as well. I fully believe that the more sex you have, the more you’ll want it. I was the same, where I just didn’t have the energy or mindset to initiate when my kids were very little, but we both found that I enjoyed myself a lot once we started being intimate. Maybe let yourself indulge in that pleasure and be a bit more demonstrative in your enjoyment, showing him how happy you are and how much you enjoy it. This will pass, and you are communicating. Your husband clearly cares about your needs and you his. That sounds so healthy to me.

I understand your willingness and applaud you. That’s amazing in your part. Yes, it is true, no guy wants a pity fuck. Really, kudos for being able to recognize the poor choice in words and being able to talk to one another. Please understand, your libido will come back as long as the two of you stay open with communication. It takes at least a year for your hormones to regulate after birth. Physiologically, it takes some time. Unfortunately, in that time, it becomes more of a mental thing. Husband isn’t getting any, he feels rejected, woman feels bad, etc. once your hormones get back in line, the emotional damage is already done. Keep up the great work you’re doing! Open communication! Hopefully, your husband understands what you are going through. Life with kids is not easy. Best of luck.

How abt phrasing it like this  “Hey hun, not always in the mood bc of post partum baby hormones but I know sex is really important for us to bond as a couple. I’d like to give it a go whenever you’re in the mood bc often times I get into it. The attraction is still there but the libido needs a bit of a kickstart. I prefer this approach as it takes the guilt and mental weight off of me that your needs are met and that we aren’t bonding intimately as a couple. Can we try ? Promise to stop you immediately if I’m uncomfortable or not into it.”

What you're suggesting is likely to him, rape. You say you don't mind, but what he wants is an active participant. He wants you to want him. At the moment you don't and that's okay for the reasons you've outlined. It sounds like your husband would rather not have sex, than have sex with a wife who isn't in the mood/interested. That makes him sane and normal as he values you. Are there romantic things you can do together that may help you with getting in the mood?

How is consensual sex rape?

Girl, no. Do not think of yourself as a blow up doll. Sex is supposed to be fun for both parties. He can wank in he shower until you're feeling more like yourself. Do not buy into the patriarchal bullshit about his needs. Get therapy asap.

Literally the same thing happened to me postpartum and we had a fight. He said it sounds like he’s raping me when I told him I wasn’t in the mood but I wanted to make him happy It took a ton of talking to get past that one. Might help to note that being intimate can jump start your libido. It’s like motivation - if you just wait for motivation it almost never shows up on its own volition. But if you force yourself to act, you’ll feel motivated. Intimacy was like that for me post partum. My libido wasn’t just gonna show back up on it’s own so I chose to engage in sex when my mind wanted it but my body was not cooperating. Eventually my body did cooperate and we are all good now. Maybe explain to him that your mind can want something but your body isn’t cooperating so you want to push thru that. Edited for formatting

Bc your husband sounds like a good person, he doesn’t want to have sex with you when you aren’t enthusiastically consenting. Sex with someone who isn’t really interested feels icky.

My best friend is a married man. I have never had kids. After his wife had their first child, difficult birth and many medical problems thereafter, they didn't have sex for a year. He was having a hard time at work, she was trying to finish her education, health problems on her part, and then having a newborn to care for. He was miserable and I (ignorant childless me) was telling him he needed to move on when he complained. He's an amazing man, he did not listen and stood by his wife. I was wrong, he was right. Babies change everything. What the couples that have been together for 40 years don't tell you is the cheating, the lack of sex, fighting, financial troubles, family problems, strife, that they have had to overcome, to be applauded by others. This is a defining moment for you both.

You told your married friend to leave his wife and baby? Maaaan

Right? Right after a baby and while she was having health issues? Guess when the going gets tough you just get going.

I know, I know. I cringe too. I was young and had no idea. Go ahead, throw stones at me for this. Well deserved, hat in hand.....

What...is wrong with you? His wife grew a human, suffered through the physical consequences of that, and was actively bettering herself through education, and you told her husband he should leave her and their *infant*? Because he had to stop having penetrative sex while his wife recovered from *major* physical (and often emotional) trauma? I don't know how old you are, but that's beyond ignorance and into cruelty. Wtf

The daily asking "if I am in the mood yet" would annoy me to no end and I would certainly tell him to shut that shit down. You will let him know when your body and your mind is ready again. He has hands until then, or can take you up on your offer on a hand job if you feel like it. You don't owe him sex, and certainly not after a baby. Sex is a want not a need and after all you went through he should be ashamed of pressuring you into sex. Sure, he wants you to want it. But that is really that absolute low bar of decency. Nice that he doesn't want to rape or use his wife. He is still emotionally pressuring you. It's icky. Take care.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and perspective.   1. I just want to clarify that no, I'm not a lifeless corpse in bed nor would it be like raping me (wtf?). This is also not a pity fuck. I usually enjoy sex after we start, I just don't want to have to constantly say that (yes, I have already told him that). All of this was to tell him that I may not be in the mood when you ask, but I will be during. Sorry that I didn't clarify that.  2. I agree that sex is only part of intimacy. I know I need to work on showing physical affection outside of sex. It can just be difficult when I feel so touched out on a daily basis so it tends to take a backseat in my brain. Any suggestions on what I can implement to help with that?

Yeah I think you made it sound way worse in the OP. If you’re getting into it any actually enjoying yourself once it starts then your essentially just asking him to take the reigns with initiating for a while which doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. The “rapey” comments I think are just trying to describe how it would feel to basically have sex with an uninterested partner that you’re essentially using for your own pleasure. As a guy who cares about his wife, there’s no way I could or would want to have sex with her if I knew she wasn’t 100% into it, the thought alone is just very repulsive to me. I think women forget this sometimes but men want to feel desired just as much as they do, we’re not just robots who want to cum. My wife got in a pattern of rejecting me and I couldn’t understand why. She eventually told me it felt like I was “using” her for sex. Now I am far from perfect but I NEVER got that sense from her before, and the way she said it to me made me feel absolutely horrible. I immediately felt like a creep, and like I was completely undesirable to her. After that I was so unsure of myself that I just stopped initiating for probably years, which eventually caused some self esteem issues on her end, and our sex life still hasn’t fully recovered. You probably didn’t need all that but my point is just communicate it in a way which shows him that you still love and desire him because it is really important to most of us.

Ask other mums what they've done during the touched-out parts of early motherhood. It is extremely common for mothers of babies/toddlers to limit physical affection with everyone else because said baby/toddler is CONSTANTLY TOUCHING YOU lol like that is exhausting and understandably so. You are not at all alone in this experience, so maybe see if there are forums specifically for new parents that you'll get better answers from.

I think you are being hard on yourself OP. How far postpartum are you? You say several months which could mean 2 months or a year to me... I'm 18 months postpartum and currently weaning my son. My husband and I have an active sex life now. It took around 9ish months to get a good rhythm back there though. Its ok if you don't have sex much (or at all) this year. It doesn't mean that you are doomed with no sex life forever.

your husband wants to feel desired, not just to stick it in

Honestly speaking I am afraid you make yourself get raped just to satisfy someone...I hope it doesn't feel like getting raped but if you do that when not feeling it...good luck. I just don't think it's a good choice unless you are afraid of betrayal and even then...your husband is nice to want to respect you. Respect yourself too.

This is a really worrying take from you. Sex, in a committed relationship should be about intimacy, physical and the connection/bond between partners. That's what should make it different than just a fling. The worrying part is that you clearly didn't feel that before pregnancy and that's why you can't understand his view, which you should be treating as a sign of love and respect that it is.

Did he take it as never being in the mood again or is does he just want a willing partner who is enjoying sex with him? Not everyone is interested in someone sacrificing themselves in this way for someone else’s pleasure. Him constantly asking is extremely annoying a few months postpartum.

i’ve been in this EXACT situation before here. I had to explain to my husband that while i may not be gaining sexual pleasure from the act of having sex, i’m still gaining emotional and intimate pleasure. I still enjoy the bonding and the love and the intimacy that comes with sex, even if my libido doesn’t allow me to actually crave sex in that moment.

Sweetheart, right now all my energy is being drained by a small human being we both love. But even though I am physically tired I still crave your touch and truly want to be intimate. You may have to do a little more work to get me up and started because of the lack of energy but please believe me.....I want nothing more than to please you and have you please me. I only have one request and that is to use a condom. I know for a fact I can get pregnant while breastfeeding. Mother of seven.

Updateme

Maybe exploring what intimacy means beyond physical connection could help bridge the gap?

I think you're right that your husband has taken this as being you saying you're never gonna be in the mood again rather than this is a mixed process and things will change when they do. Equally, I can see why a guy would have really bad feelings about his wife feeling "neutral" about sleeping with him - makes it feel like he's being a burden to you, sort of thing. I don't think you did anything wrong, I think it just needs to be talked about a bit more.

It seems like each of you wants the best for the other that’s a great start. Don’t let that initial conversation be the outcome. Talk some more on the effects of breastfeeding on your libido. Talk about what you both need to feel loved and supported right now. I’m sure the two of you can find a solution that works for your relationship.

I would go the “medical” route and explain it that way. You are still inhibited due to breastfeeding. So sex is not and won’t be enjoyable for you right now. That doesn’t mean it never will be. But what’s more important is that you also probably miss being intimate and close with your husband. Is that not valid reason enough? You want to be intimate and engage in that with him because you are loving partners. Maybe the sex won’t be as physically fulfilling, but it will be emotionally fulfilling. It will make him happy through physical and emotional means, which will also make you emotionally fulfilled and happy. It will also help you reconnect with your sexual side after childbirth, which can be difficult to get back into with a child. It doesn’t really feel like a priority. But you’re clearly trying to prioritize your relationship with your husband as well as your child.

This is the kind of thing that a counselor can be very helpful with.  You want to make your husband feel satisfied, like having a meal. You see a physical need and want to meet it. From your logic this makes perfect sense.  He wants to feel like you desire him, like he makes you feel desirable. He wants that emotional intimacy from sex. It also sounds like he’s not doing anything to create intimacy or arouse you, and the pressure he puts on you is just making your checking out worse.  You offered that he can use your body to masturbate while you disassociate, which makes him feel even less like you value intimacy and physical closeness. He feels gross because he doesn’t know another way to seek physical intimacy beyond sex, is being clumsy and uninformed about it, and you’ve reinforced that feeling of being gross and lonely by offering to pretend to be a flashlight while getting further away from him emotionally. That you would think that would make him happy hurts him, but he’s also not able to address his feelings in a way that makes it clear that’s NOT what he wants.  You’re both making clear and logical choices from your point of view without being able to see each other’s point of view, and causing wounds while doing it. A counselor can help you navigate back out of the traps you’ve sprung for yourselves.  If you can’t find a form of physical intimacy you like (holding hands, kissing, cuddling) or he can’t take sex of the table for a bit to reconnect and has to link everything back to sex then you DESPERATELY need a couples counselor. Find one you both like. 

I think a lot of the people hit the nail on the head with the fact he doesn’t enjoy sex if you don’t. Sex is always best when both are enjoying it. OP is a great wife and is doing what an attentive spouse should do, but she needs to figure out how to get her libido back. Lots of women struggle with sex drive after children. Generally libido bounces back but sometimes there are other issues at play, whether they are physical, mental or emotional. Hopefully she can figure it out and should definitely see a doctor. She should also let her husband know if she needs some help from him that she’s not getting. Maybe he watches the kid while she gets a pedicure or runs errands. They should also connect regularly through date nights and deep conversations and things like cuddling.

Yeah it's a nice thought but I'd just feel sleazy, at best, if I knew my wife was just 'servicing' me. At worst, it'd be a complete turn off.

My advice to him would be to take what he’s offered, what’s on the table now in hopes that your libido will improve as you go on. I know that there have been times in the past that my husband and I have both engaged in sex when one wanted it, but the other didn’t. In my case, once I get into it, I’m in the mood and want to proceed. You could be the same. If you don’t notice your libido coming back then, then it might be time to consider other reasons for libido like hormones, depression, overwhelm, resentment, whatever.

Call me crazy but having sex with a partner when they’re not into it makes me feel icky. That’s probably what your husband might be feeling.

See that's the thing that women always think about men. Sex isn't always about getting your rocks off, a guy can very easily get off by himself. Guys want to feel wanted, want the feel attractive to their partners. Sex with your partner is about connecting with them, not just about the little squirt that comes at the end. I have to admire you for wanting to have sex when you aren't particularly feeling it but trust me, he'll notice that you are not and it can leave him with a feeling of emptiness and more like it was just a business transaction rather than an act of intimacy or love even if it's out of love that you are doing it.

Op, just as you are willing to be intimate to make him happy, he wants you to be happy but he isn't being made happy when he's having sex with someone who isn't equally into the sex, whcih you aren't. Trying to make him happy isn't what he wants, he wants the shared, equal pleasure in each other, not his satisfaction of a purely physical itch. Perhaps though you can both explore non sexual or at least non penetrative forms of intimacy with the goal of merely bringing closeness, and then explore more physically sexual intimacy once baby is weaned. Also, if resources allow, consider talking to an expert to figure out some steps to take together.

Your husband and you think alike. He wants you to be happy as well. This is not an argument that you have to "win". Just try to cuddle up and initiate sometimes. You do not have to lie about your libido. Being intimate is something that you do not want to loose with your husband and it makes you feel close to your partner. Just focus on that if the question comes up. I mean romantic movies are not my first choice. But still I would join my wife in watching a movie. Not because I would do it as a chore, but because I enjoy the time together. If that makes sense. You got a good relationship there, do not worry so much.

lol. Might say I love you big guy and we never know how good it will be anyway but I love the connection and giving birth I need love put back in so when you in the mood I’m in need of the mood. Kiss him and say I love our baby thank him even though guys do nothing and pretend he’s the greatest lover ever. lol.

No one wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex. That’s icky

He wants an enthusiastic partner. Not someone who’s just offering herself up as a sex doll. Knowing your partner isn’t into it is a huge turn off.

Talk to your Dr about your libido and maybe a therapist. Don't make your husband feel like intimacy ( not just sex) is a chore you do for him.

You've got a good man there. And while I understand you wanting to keep him happy, you'd be doing him a disservice by trying to make him form a new bad habit. Like others have said, try cuddling and being intimate in other ways than sex for now.

Best suggestion is less talk more initiation. Your intentions are on point. This is what has been lacking in the complaints in r/DeadBedroom. You're on the right track you just have to get him on board and that's convincing him that you want him. You do, just not like he wants. It's not him it's you so he might not be able to understand. I would just go at him and make him feel loved and wanted. Fake it till you make it almost. At least until you find a way to enhance your libido. Try some stuff to get yourself in the mood. Read up on increasing your libido after childbirth. I feel for you. I feel for him, but I feel for your position so closely. Like they say in here, keep talking, but go easy on him. He misses your desire. Give him what you got and let the rest fall into place naturally.

We are so ingrained to put women on a pedestal, treat her with kid gloves, that it's understandable if you want the bad boy once in a while, but that's just not him. Even with a signed contract, he doesnt want to be that, never able to push past certain barriers. This is literally beaten into us by parents, teachers, classmates and other women. I suggest you embrace his timid behaviour and push his limits. You need him to step up, put him in the situation. Lock his boy bits into male chastity, and remind him that you control his outlet. It gave me the freedom from my sexual performance anxiety, and yet allows me to find other alternatives. Instead of asking him to do it when he's feeling aggressive, make a date of it, lock him on monday, and tease him on thursday, test him Friday, and if he's able to listen and respond, While the kids are napping in noon Saturday, it's your choice either to go all the way, or to ask him to milk it, edge him for the hour, see if he can squirt even 3oz. Though prostate exploration might help round his experiences.

I’ve been with my husband a long time. There have absolutely been times where we have been intimate more for the other person but it was infrequent. A once in a while thing. Now, a while back my husband developed health issues and his libido plummeted. I understood he wasn’t feeling like being intimate but after a while it started to feel more like I was a car being serviced at the garage than it being an act of love and intimacy between partners. Now you’re very postpartum and it’s normal to be in your position but I know I would rather wait until my partner was receptive and wanted me. Pity sex is ok every now and then in a marriage but all the time is not ideal. You’ll get your mojo back it just takes time and make sure you are open and communicative with your husband at all times.

As a woman who did this.....it really backfires!! You end up turning yourself into a body & there's no way resentment doesn't grow. Mad respect for the love enough to do it, but you are more than a body!! It took me 10 years before I'd let my hubs touch my boob's again. Fucking breastfeeding is a complete cock block. 😉 Tell him you need more romance. More foreplay. More understanding. And more free time, to rest & rejuvenate. To feel like a woman again! You can't slide seamlessly between mom & wife. Hormones are not gonna allow it. So, he needs to do impossible amounts of work with possibly no payoff, but making his love feel loved. And it'll come back, if he shows up. You protect, nurture, & educate that baby.....he does all of that for you!! It's the only way it works. Sustaining life is the hardest thing humans will ever do. Imagine doing other difficult things....& worrying about sex? I'm really stressed as an astronaut going to the space station....so I'm going to let my partner use me like a toy. My medical boards have been taxing....so my husband deserves a special treat. Hun, just put this in perspective. Sex is a bonus, not a duty. Yes, it's a stress relief, but it's one of the easiest. Are you too horned up to survive? You are no different than him. Men don't want & need sex more....they just don't diversify the things in life that bring them joy & stress relief. Sex isn't for that, anyway. It's for pleasure & connection & fun. It's a bonus of marriage. It's not a certainty.

As a guy, its not fun if both people arent into it. I have a higher libido than my gf and sometimes she will have sex with me just to do it and satisfy me. I never try to force her but she feels she wants me to be happy but the days when she is into it we have have some of the best sex. One time we were holding out for a few days until we went on vacation and we obviously both wanted to do it (it had been like 3 days). When we got on vacation we got to the room and had some of the best sex.

I totally think you aren't understanding because of how you see intimacy You can have sex with someone and feel nothing for them - in this case sex is something you do for relief with no mental/emotional connection. You can make love with your partner, and that isn't for physical relief but is an expression of your love and affection for each other. Someone who loves you and wants that expression of love doesn't just want to slake their lust with your available body. He interprets what you suggest as you offering up your body to slake his lust.

All the above Redditors have hit the nail on the head. No need to explain further. updateme !

He wants you to want to have sex with him.

You won’t.

I think you have a winner on your hands here, actually. Sounds like it's not appealing to him unless you are actually enjoying yourself as well. He might've actually been offended by the idea of just kind of using you for his own gratification. Give yourself time. Read spicy books. Keep talking to him.

Kudos for you. Finally, finally a wife that has her priorities straight. Even if not in the mood at the start, that can change as it progresses, in addition, just the closeness is very rewarding. It made my day to see a woman be willing to give of herself in those times unselfishly.

He sounds like a nice dude. Engaging in intimacy when you dont want it is how women build up resentment. He wants you to *want* him. He doesnt just want to have sex. Give yoursef time and space. If you feel like you WANT to have sex but feel like your body is betraying you by never making you *feel in the mood* i would consider seeking a therapist of some kind, there could be an underlying psychological block your having thats mixing with the hormones and causing this feeling. Also, relationships are so much more than sex. Intimacy is too. Consider being intentional about non sex intimacy, since you and your partner are so communicative, it can probably opens some doors for you.

OK, I didn’t read through all the comments, but I totally get what you were saying and what you were trying to do. I know the situation you are in, probably very touched out and obviously postpartum, I have been there. That being said, yes, he took it harshly and maybe to switch things around try and initiate a time or two, and then after sex, even though you aren’t necessarily in the mood for it, tell him that you enjoyed it and it is just nice to be close to him and an intimate way. Maybe he will start to see what you were trying to say.❤️❤️❤️ Don’t give up, this is a very common thing to go through and I know you tried to communicate as clear as possible, but he got his feelings hurt, I think you guys can work through this in a positive positive way!

He’s a lucky man. You don’t see that kind of attitude much anymore. I hope he learns to appreciate it.

When he asks if you’re in the mood, say “I will be if you (insert what you like) “snuggle with me in the bed and touch me slowly,” or maybe “help me take my clothes off and let me savor your kisses” etc I’d suggest r/askRedditafterdark because it has so many sexy stories, comments, suggestions you’ll pick up as resonating for you. It’s nice to have a few one-liners (authentic to you) ready to go so you’re not just left feeling meh and unsure how else to respond when he asks

Do you still enjoy the process even if you weren’t in the mood? If you still enjoy the process on the physical level (even if you don’t have an orgasm) and you enjoy the emotional intimacy with him in that moment, tell him that. That it’s not a chore, he’s not a monster who’s forcing you to do it and even if you didn’t want it that much, you still enjoy it. Those things happen with women, especially when she’s stressed or busy. Maybe he also needs to learn more how breastfeeding and childbirth affects women’s libido.

No, you can't. If you make yourself be intimate when you don't want to, you are just going to develop aversion to intimacy. Mention this to your ob/gyn and maybe try to reconnect with your sexuality. Be it therapy or in a spiritual way, I don't know what you might prefer. My bf is asexual and even though I miss intimacy, doing the deed when he doesn't feel like it just to satisfy my needs is very much against my soul. So we just don't do it. I would like to have sex but not with someone who doesn't want it the same way. I still appreciate my partner as he is. I believe your bf might see it in a similar way.

Who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't want it ?? Definitely not me.

Of course it made him upset. You’re basically calling him a rapist. Why would anyone normal want to have sex with someone who is not willing to have sex with them?

Read update, thank God. 🙌

Apki jesi wife kese milegi??

Really lucky him

what a moron, read any number of posts from here and you will find a dead bedroom marriage where one partner would KILL for an arrangement as you describe

Girl, it's been a few months. AND you're breast feeding? Give yourself some grace and do the things you WANT with him. My youngest is 7 and my libido is just getting back to pre kids. Granted, I had 5 kids, not just one or two, and life has otherwise thrown a lot of shit at us as a family. I'm not saying you shouldn't work on it, bc absolutely, you should. But also, understand it takes a lot of time for some people, especially during those super young kids years. Make sure you guys have a good balance on chores and child care (I only bring this up bc of the touched out comment in your post). Go over with him what your day looks like and discuss if there's something he could take on that will give you some more brain space. My husband worked 3rds when 2 of our babies were born, so obviously I was doing night wakes alone. I'd have to get my older 2 on the bus, but he'd be home right after that, and take the baby, so I could go back to bed for awhile. He needed the time to wind down anyway. Online grocery ordering, a cleaner once a week/month, mutual massages, buying each other little treats, play a silly game together. Try to be purposeful about each other, even if it isn't sexual. All of those things helped me feel like ME and not just Mom/wife.

As someone that used to work with pregnant couples and postpartum moms I think what people don’t realise is that this is really normal. The physical exhaustion from caring for a newborn and breastfeeding and lack of sleep absolutely impacts your bodies ability to feel arousal. An intention that it can be natures way of keeping from someone getting pregnant right away right after having a baby, to allow the body to rest and recuperate. It’s very common situations like this, especially when there is love and attraction between two people that in beginning to have sex the body does move into arousal after sex is initiated into foreplay. You can let your husband know that this is a temporary transition postpartum and that it helps to always take things slow into the warmup? I also want to applaud you for your commitment to always remain honest with your husband. I also want to really support you in saying that I hope you have adequate support. Being a new mom with a newborn and healing from childbirth is extremely taxing on your body and if you add and sleep deprivation, what you’re feeling is completely normal.

Sometimes mentally there’s too much going on and its a mental gymnasium in that brain of ours - to even consider being sexy, desired and drained from the mental gymnastics to even want to. I think after having a kid- your mental energy and sleep just kinda tanks so, he needs to bare in mind these changes and it might need to include some desire texts and flirting to get you thinking about it and the stuff that needs to be done, has it been done, does it still, did you forget, oh diaper, we need diapers, what’s for dinner. It’s a lot. Idk anyone right after having a baby jumping right back into bed- some do idk how. When most of us just don’t right away. Gotta adjust and balance it to a routine or schedule that fits. When the baby sleeps more at night and less breastfeeding, or still but bottles maybe. It might return. I feel more women go through this than admitting and we do this to make our Hubbies happy bc it really does make us happy, and satisfied. We just don’t think about it all day or have the same working desires as they do. Especially after a baby

You are a considerate person, he should and probably is happy to have you as his wife.

I haven’t ever had a baby, but I can tell you that my libido is up and down according to hormonal cycles. During low libido times, I’m NOT just in the mood because the wind blew west. Just not. However, I’m still *very interested* in *becoming* aroused, almost every time. The payoff is spectacular, so it’s not a difficult task. (Hehe!) He’s willing to approach and initiate because if I’m not interested, I’m clear that now isn’t good for me. I ask for a rain check and suggest a time when we can cash the check, because even if now isn’t the best time, I’m still looking forward to when it is. I felt like this was the same thing you were saying, if I understood. I hope communication gets you to where you need to be. We are allowed to say yes/no/later/maybe tomorrow without qualification, so no need to relinquish that. But I do hope he understands the difference between hormonal libido (body) and your heart (mind) and can understand that they are different things.

What in the actual hell girl?

Just tell him that you are in the mood when you feel up for having sex, he doesn´t need to know that your libido or whatever isn´t going crazy.

Some people are turned on by knowing they turned on their partners. So, by knowing you are not in the mood, he may actually be turned off and not like it. Maybe try to achieve happiness in other ways for the time being because if he's against the idea, forcing it on him won't do anything good.

Regardless of your specific hormone issue at this time, lots & lots & lots of women experience what you do—low libido but once things get started, they are into it. I suggest you both read the book *Come As You Are.*

First off, it’s a good sign that your husband cares if you’re in the mood or not. If he didn’t, that would be troubling. However, he also needs to understand that it’s not him, and that you will still enjoy it even if you aren’t craving sex before it happens. Because that kind of makes… *all* the difference. You can explain it like an app. Not everyone always has the “sex app” running in the background of their brain, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have the app, which can be opened. Right now you don’t have the sex app running in the background, but it sounds like you still want him to open the app. This is called “responsive desire” in human terms, as opposed to “spontaneous desire,” and for a lot of women (and some men), that’s kinda always how it is.

Don't mention don't always want to or do but he won't want to ask ever again in a sense e

i think the ‘touched out’ part is significant. not sure what you can do about it, since baby bonding is essential…..can he hold / carry baby when he’s home ?

You guys really just had a communication problem. You might not craving sex, but once he initiates, you do get in the mood and want to be intimate. By asking are you in the mood, you took the question literally; so the answer was no. What it seems you meant is that you are not in the mood but he could get you in the mood pretty quickly. I know you’ve updated. I just want to consider if there are other areas where there are miscommunications.

My fiance wouldn’t be happy if I worded it this way either, however, get your husband to look into reactive desire. When I brought that up to my fiance, it seemed to make sense to him, and I’m glad it did because it’s true! I might not be in the mood from the outset, but him doing things that get me in the mood cause a reaction that immediately gets me in the right headspace!

You should read the book Come As You Are. The author talks about some women being “responsive” with their libidos, i.e., they only get in the mood in response to their partner initiating it. Doesn’t mean their libido isn’t any less valid!

you are totally normal. there are days, times, for women when we're charged up and want it. there are times when we're not. now a good husband can become a loving sexy "convincer" by which I mean, he does things for you, touches you in a way, that gets you charged up. But if your husband thinks you're always gonna just be this hot and ready sex machine as a mom now ..he's nuts. I suggest, get a nice scoop of coconut oil, lay him down on the bed, and you get to play for a while. treat it like a fun time, a time with your favorite toy. this may progress to oral or full sex, or it may not. But your husband's gonna be happy. And tell him the minute, you're in the mood, ever, you will tell him . This doesn't have to be an argument or discord, it just needs to be two people trying to get on the same page. And a fun journey along the way. and lastly, he better make damn sure. Well, he knows the things you like and that when you have sex, you're getting off every single fucking time. Because there's nothing that turns into a chore more than one person gets an orgasm and the other person just doesn't, forget that nonsense.!

It takes a good year for most women. Your man can be patient and jerk off, not a big deal.

As a woman who has struggled with periods of low libido, I'd like to offer a piece of advice. Please don't sign up for duty sex, this kind of mentality around intimacy can be really hard to come back from, it can alter the way you view sex and your partner permanently. Breastfeeding is such a challenging time where you are exhausted and constantly being touched and needed and your body becomes so functional instead of sexual. But this time will pass and hopefully your libido will return. It's ok to wait for when it does.