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So, just to be clear, Tina:
1. Has had affairs with with married men in the past,
2. Hit on your ex (whom you threw under the bus),
3. Took her top off while in a hot tub with your husband,
4. Has never put much effort into your friendship,
5. When you did call her out, sent a non-apology saying it wasn’t her intent to flirt,
6. When you did call her out, did a tearful production to turn your friends against you…
And you want to know if you’re justified in being angry at her? Why yes, I’d say you were.
I just wanna say you don’t have to keep being friends with someone because you been fiends with them for X number of years! Like let them go. If someone took off their top in an intimate environment in from of my husband that’s a hard no. But like also he would not have put himself in that situ. So like yeah counseling… but mine would have been like this was weird and I don’t wanna hang out with her anymore. This sucks all around but hubs reaction is suspect too. Sorry X(
Tina sucks. She has a history of cheating, she has made a move on at least one of your previous partners, and she disrobed in front of your husband.
She knows exactly what she's doing, and when you called her on it instead of owning her bad behavior she turned on the waterworks and played victim so your mutual friends would feel badly for her.
>Tina has been my friend for a decade now and to be fair, she is going through a tough time.
So does everybody sometimes, and most of us manage not to whip our tits out in front of married men about it.
You should ask her if she would have whipped them out if you were there. Did any of the other women follow her lead? I think you should be more upset about the aftmath because it calls into question her motivation for doing it in the first place. 0
True but if this was the first step in her trying to target OP's husband I'm guessing it wouldn't have happened. Sounds like she is manipulative enough to read situations that could turn into opportunities and play the long game.
I went thru a hard time and one of my best girl friends in the world told me once to text a funny vid to her bf. He's my friend too but SINCE I HAVE BOUNDARIES AND RESPECT I cc her on the text. I'm a girls girl and that's why I don't keep friendships w women who date and whip their tits out in front of married men. This screams personality disordered so no reason to even keep going w her. She will never "get it" you should move on.
Yes, everyone struggles at times, but not everyone behaves inappropriately like Tina and then cries when it doesn't all go her way, or always seeks out sympathy like it appears she might?
I agree that Tina knows what she is doing and that it's totally inappropriate. She sounds like an attention seeker and you'll always be dealing with her drama, but perhaps it's time to decide if this unbalanced friendship is really worth it?
In all honesty, when people were messaging you, you could have also pointed out that Tina also has a history of inappropriateness with married men and you previous partner too, so your upset with her was not unfounded. You kinda left yourself open to their criticism and preserved Tina's dignity when it sounds like it was time for her to account for her poor behaviour. Some people will always say to take the high road, but sometimes people need to have bad behaviour called out.
The more I review over our history, Tina has a tendency of seeking out attention/sympathy.
I have a standing Wednesday night group meeting with other friends which she sometimes joins. I have been defending her pretty regularly with that group because they complain that all she talks about herself and only wants to get dinner where she wants to go.
On the sharing of her history, I try to be a good confidant to my friends. I only told my husband after the fact because I wanted him to at least know the context.
I am debating on the friendship, she hurt me and proceeded to make it all about herself.
Stop inviting her to that group. My guess is other people actively dislike her but are beating around the bush by blaming it on her insisting she picks where you go.
Don't lose that friend group for somebody who doesn't care about you.
She sounds like that "type", IYKWIM, I seem to have a radar for those people, even when reading about them 😅 I try to avoid people like this because they've often take a lot of mental energy to handle and are problematic.
It is understandable though, that you were being considerate of not spreading those details, especially when you're trying to work out if your anger is displaced, it seems fair to be angry with both, but especially her because of her history.
I honestly don't think your husband was up to no good as others have suggested, he did try to talk to you about the night, but he does suck for not checking if you were okay and being out so late, it was inconsiderate, and on top of that her bf was about too? so I think her attempting anything more was too risky with all those people about.
I’m glad I read your comment first. I was going to write something, but not so direct. Direct is better. I agree with this.
OP, 10 years is a long time, but also had allowed you to know her. You know she really does not have an issue with cheating, had a crush on your husband and seriously 4 am? Even if your husband remained a good guy, your best friend didn’t make it easy for him.
Sorry your other friends don’t see the picture. Maybe if it were their husband they would. Who knows, maybe one day it will their husband.
Tina knows what she is doing on both accounts: enticing your husband and manipulating the friend group using DARVO like tactics. This is not someone who is on your side, and historically never really was. And your husband effed up big tine, by staying so long with her like that he disrespected you and signaled to her that his boundaries are thin.
Now that this has unfolded as you think back are more red flags emerging? Has Tina displayed subtle odds behaviors or said things that now seem sketchy?
Yup. So much DARVO. *"I showed off my tits in front of your husband while you were out sick and you felt uncomfortable. Waaaaahhhhhh."* NO. She is not a good friend to you. She may be charming and all, but she is not a good friend. I would take a huge step back from her because she is setting off all alarm bells.
Basically, the only message she is sending by showing off her body in that kind of setting is "hey, take a look at this. Do you like what you see??"
I am not sure about sketchy but I think what I am realizing is that she is selfish.
A red flag she has always had is being mean to service industry workers.
Omg how did you stay friends w this awful woman for sp long?! Mean or rude to service workers got me more riled up than her affair w a married man for some reason. Girl, you need to understand what type of mentally ill people do shit like this. It's either borderline or narcissistic and they never change. They need attention, they are insecure, and will only suck you dry emotionally.
I'm sorry, but in this situation, if I told my husband I was sick to the point of "gory details", then he would've accompanied me back to our room for the night, on HIS insistence. He wouldn't ever ever leave me like that to fend for myself. The rest wouldn't have had a chance to happen. I cannot fathom how your husband would've ignored your calls the rest of the night. That whole thing sounds fishy as fuck. "Tina" and hubby would be "on notice" with me until further notice, if you get my drift.
Uhhh also guys like we really shouldn’t be glossing over the whole “came back in a robe from another room” thing. Like to my understanding, OP’s husband has yet to offer an explanation for how exactly the robe from another hotel room somehow found its way on his body.
Like, whose room???? If he didn’t enter another person’s room, and it was just given to him, that seems like the kind of information you would quickly offer to your partner.
It’s weird that he didn’t.
Yeah and pretty much everyone in that friend group is a snake if not one of them has the sense to agree that a GROWN ASS FORTY YEAR OLD WOMAN taking her top off in the hot tub with men who are dating her FRIENDS is weird as shit.
Maybe in highschool this shit would fly, but even in college that’s the kind of thing I would ghost someone for- even if it wasn’t my boyfriend involved. Like it’s just willful ignorance and denial to pretend like that isn’t super super super weird for a person to do.
Let’s flip the script and say that OP was in the hot tub when a mutual friend whipped his dick out and was just freeballing it in the hot tub with his homies girls. I will actually bet money that not one person reading this would think that’s totally normal and okay. But for some reason when we put it in the context of a woman doing it, it’s like up for debate???
And I’m a girl, btw. I’m just saying that shit is weird af.
I don't necessarily think that's a bad choice, but you'd also probably have your phone easily accessible on case your partner needed help, right? Sounds like OP's husband had his shit set aside or on silent so he didn't have to be bothered by interruptions.
If I am sick like that, I want to be left alone, especially in a hotel room where there isn't much privacy. Most of you disagree with that. So, taking that into consideration along with your husband's hot tub behavior, I think you are projecting the anger you feel for your husband on to her. She sucks and you should drop her as a friend, but your husband sucks even more.
I think the important missing piece here is "What actually happened with your husband that night?" I would want to know why he didn't answer you and why he had someone else's robe on. That's really damning and probably significantly added to the way you felt.
I generally try to advocate for not equating nudity to sex, but it's not really about that—it's about her intentions and your husband's actions. So in the context of the relationship I feel like you need to establish that. I think whether you want to admit it or not, Tina's intentions are very clear. She knows exactly what she was doing and probably knew what she was doing by mentioning it too.
In the context of the friend group, I think it's shitty of them to gossip about you and it shows you a lot about what kind of people they are and whose side they will take. This should never even have been about sides. You did your best to keep this from the rest of the group despite being upset about it. Tina dragged everyone else into her guilt. She successfully got all the attention and sympathy on her despite being in the wrong, and any friends who go along with that are people you need to watch out for.
I'm sorry this turned into such a clusterfuck and I sincerely hope you can find peace with everyone involved.
I think I should clarify something here, it wasn't just my husband and her there at the time. There were several others. Tina was the only one who went topless.
My husband stated that once she did that, he tried to redirect the entire group to do something else to get out of the situation. He admits he should have just left.
We both have a history of taking care of her when she gets drunk (me more so obviously) but I honestly think that is why he stayed. He is a good friend to a fault sometimes.
I told my husband that one of my biggest issues that night is that neither him or her gave me a second thought.
Doesn't explain the robe thing or him not answering for ages, but I understand. I'm not trying to villainize him at all, I just wanted to clarify what actually happened because the whole thing seems weird. "but it sounds like you and him are relatively okay and your issues lie with Tina and the friend group.
I can provide additional context (post was already stupid long and didn't want to bog it down anymore).
On the phone thing, he has his set to do not disturb during the night. Before I went to the room he told me that it wasn't working right as the kiddo attempted to call him and it didn't go through (you can customize the list of who can still contact you during this timeframe). He did also have me test it and it wasn't working right. Would say though, he typically never takes that long to respond. If anything, he gets on my case for not responding fast enough.
Robe thing was apparently they got in the pool with clothes on and the only towel he was able to find was wet so he swapped it with a robe from her room (Tina's boyfriend - who she is on the rocks with currently, was in the room at the time). Apparently they went to get more beers from Tina's fridge.
Agreed weird but his explanations made sense.
I think his explanations sound more like shitty excuses.
How can you be sure nothing happened between him and Tina?
Let’s weigh up all the suspicious details:
• Tina is a shitty friend by default, with a history of making a move on your ex boyfriends.
• Tina loves attention.
• Tina had affairs with married men.
• Scott didn’t care enough about you *(his sick girlfriend)* to accompany you back to the hotel and take care of you.
• Scott has proven that him having fun is more important to him than making sure you’re alright.
• Scott stayed within Tina’s company despite her being topless.
• Scott gave Tina the attention she very clearly craved, by staying and likely enjoying the view a little too much.
He then followed topless girl into her room where he used her robe, and *apparently* her on/off boyfriend was in there too. But where is the proof??? Can her boyfriend verify this? And how can you be so sure that the other friends didn’t leave the hot tub earlier, leaving Tina alone with Scott?
You're being an asshole to yourself, here.
Your husband just admitted that he was in Tina's room and took her robe. Ostensibly, he was with her for almost 5 hours, basically until dawn.
The story is that Tina's boyfriend, who she's fighting with, was there. Have you verified that story with HIM?
Tina went and did "woe is me in the victim, she's insecure" damage control the very same day this happened. It seems incredibly likely that they were fucking. Tina probably wanted to finish the job she started with your ex.
I don't think the post was stupid long. It helps readers know that there is an explanation just as it probably helped you. If you trust that what he's saying is true, that's good enough for me and any Redditor that isn't just out for blood.
You can turn off DND if the accepted bypass list isn't working. I do it all the time when I'm working night shift in case I get any messages from anybody. I usually have time to text when working nights, so I'll turn DND off and chat with people in other time zones if they're up and things are really slow.
And then it turns back on automatically the next night.
Not everybody realizes this, but it's possible your husband chose not to turn it off. And regardless, it was 10 at night. Other than you, how many people would be texting or calling him in the middle of the night? He should have turned DND off in case you needed him since he knew you were sick.
If he knew his phone wasn't working right, why did he let you back to the room alone while you were sick? What if you had been calling him because you needed help?
And if he could go to Tina's room to get a robe, why couldn't he have just gone back to your room?
His explanations actually don't make much sense.
Maybe it's my exposure to kink communities. Nudity doesn't strike me as much in itself. clearly it went past your boundaries. I'd be more concerned with his inconsiderate behavior toward his sick wife than his looking out for a stupid drunk mutual friend.
Room 237 is from The Shinning movie with jack Nicholson going to the hotel room 237 and seeing a naked lady I'm the tub with her tits out, only to be a ghost of a naked old lady with no teeth it's supposed to be funny but clearly went over your head- no offense it happens not everyone is a horror junkie would know the reference 🤣 but anyhoo and whoever is agreeing with the free my tits girl needs to be dropped from your life, like she does, cause whoever made that side jab of you needing to get over your trauma would be the last shit anyone would say to me so drop that chick too 💁♀️ so do yourself a favor and drop those people too cause naw.
The reference definitely went over my head lol. I am a self proclaimed wuss when it comes to horror movies.
The trauma comment just made me wonder how much they were talking about me and my background. Both her and Tina know a lot of my history and I wonder how much of that was shared with people I barely know.
Your husband needs to own up to this… he is acting shady..
Moving forward - STOP TAKING CARE OF HER and your husband needs to go No contact with her!
She sounds like someone who homewrecks to make herself feel better
i would be angry. BUT…you are directing a lot of anger at the friend because it’s easier than dealing with the anger you should have- the anger at your husband. Would you have been this angry if you had been in the hot tub as well, or would it have not been a huge deal to you?
he chose to stay. He chose to roll in the room at 4am in a robe from another room, but she is the one bearing the brunt of your anger. he is the one that took vows. He’s the one that disrespected your marriage. You need to spend some time thinking about who is really responsible for the situation and what the problem really is here.
I completely agree. My husband would never have left me in the room alone while I was sick especially without checking on me and definitely not until 4am. This woman showing her boobs would be the least of my concerns. My husband ignoring me while I was sick and in a strange place and staying out until 4 am with a topless woman and then going to her room would be very concerning to me.
That is fair. I have been worried that I am displacing some of my anger. Honestly I am not super comfortable with unexpected nudity or seeing my friends naked. I would have noped out of there even if it was just me.
First off, it's completely natural to be upset when your best friend decides to have a topless fiesta in front of your husband. That's not exactly "normal best friend behavior." Picture it: you're sick in bed, and she's having a "Girls Gone Wild" moment in the hot tub. Anyone would see red.
Odd that you mention "Girls Gone Wild". One of the other girls on the trip got trucker hats made that look very similar to the hats that were popular for that show back in the 90s? I am not really familiar but several folks mentioned the similarity.
Lol on the topless fiesta.
Haha, sounds like your trip had some unexpected fashion throwbacks! Those trucker hats must have brought some retro vibes. As for the "Girls Gone Wild" reference, that's a blast from the past! It's funny how things from different eras can unexpectedly pop up in our lives today, isn't it?
Nah fuck that. If my best friend got topless in front of my husband (without me present) I would be furious. She also mentioned it knowing you would be upset because otherwise, why mention it?
You really should have included [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/xvP9Osp96e) as well as [your follow up comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/uENMOck0xm) in your original.
Tina isn’t a friend and should be dropped. But you knew this already, your friends are people that have affairs with married men and have previously hit on your own partners, so… not to be rude but Tina has repeatedly shown you who she is, maybe it’s time to notice?
Husband should have left. Per your comment, yeah he might be used to taking care of friends including Tina to a fault, but he should have been taking care of you, not her. Unless you communicated something specific that told him not to. Regardless, come up with an excuse to leave once Tina starts crossing that line.
But from the sounds of it, again not to be rude, none of you have a very healthy relationship with alcohol so between you getting sick, Tina being a sloppy topless drunk, and hot tubs at 4 am, I highly doubt anyone was sober enough to make even a mildly rational decision. I had to check the ages again. Might be time to get that under control.
I also had to double-check the ages, and am surprised more people aren't commenting on their destructive relationship with drinking.
My friend group is the same age as OPs and while we still get shitfaced together every now and then, I would be so embarrassed if I took it so far that I was causing drama and my making my friends "take care of me", let alone it being a regular thing.
Tina sounds like someone who thinks she can get away with anything without consequences as long as she has the excuse of "oops teehee, I was drunk", and her friend group will all coddle and enable her. It kinda looks like she didn't do anything out of the ordinary for her, and OP is just reaping the fruits of the dynamic she's had a hand in cultivating for the past 10 years.
Oh the sick part I think was food poisoning (or maybe related to one of my meds). Mother is an alcoholic so I try to monitor that and only drink socially (except for the aforementioned tequila consumption).
Tina does have a tendency to get drunk on a fairly regular basis which I think she should address. But I am starting to feel that won't be my problem.
That’s what happens if you have a bestie who doesn’t give a sh’t about people being married. Lol. And your husband? You were sick and he was enjoying himself so much he didn’t even check on you. You pick all the wrong people for yourself.
You're justified and I would check with your husband and figure out exactually where the fuck he was. He was in someone else's hotel room, girl if anything you're under reacting
Oh, I so think he cheated on you. Sorry.
Oh, NTA, lose the girl, she's not your friend. And you may have a hard time with your friends because she'll be turning them against you with her tears. You decide how to deal. I'd drop anyone who believes her and doesn't even try to hear my side. I'd only keep those who would be interesting in listening to my side. Only if they don't bring her drama to my side or don't share things about me to her. But it's up to you.
Second this. Lose the one who said it brought the mood down, too, because they don’t seem to care about you, OP. The comment about your trauma was unnecessary & unkind. It sounds like you’re surrounded by shitty people.
Right?! I’m thinking the same thing and everyone is covering for the 2 of them. That’s why they are all ganging up on her. I would be doing some serious investigating and getting and std/STI check done. OP you really need to figure out what your husband was up to at 4am. That’s some BS right there.
I don't think he ever changed clothes, just put the robe over them. Not entirely sure of the exact timeline for the night. Based off the conversations with the broader group, it did seem that they were all together throughout the evening.
Tina obviously sucks. I cannot count the ways in which she sucks. I’d cut her as a friend because what does she add to your life other than misery? Friends at this age should add to your life.
There isn’t enough focus on your husband here though. You know Tina, call a spade a spade. You’re focusing your energy on her but she isn’t married to you. Your husband knows your boundaries. Your husband chose to violate your marital boundaries. Your husband chose to hang out with Tina’s tits until two in the morning.
Direct your emotion there where it should be.
Sounds like a couple of problems. 1) A "friend" problem. If she has come on to your SO before, had an affair with a married man, and went topless in front of your husband without knowing how either of you felt about it, then she's a shit friend and you should drop her like the hot mess she is. Crying, playing the victim, and involving other people/sending her flying monkeys at you is high school drama you don't need.
2) A you problem. You don't really get a say in if she decides to go topless, and it sounds like you and your husband were not on the same page, however, you should not have dismissed her hitting on ~~him~~ your SO "because she's your friend" and "a sloppy drunk". Communicate about what are boundaries for you. My husband and I actually disagree on this topic; what is a boundary for me is no big deal to him and vice versa. But the key is, he knows what my boundaries are and does not cross them, and I show him the same respect.
3) A husband problem. He shows up late, when you're sick, doesn't answer texts, and comes in dressed in a robe from another room? You tell him he should have left when she took her top off and he agrees...but he didn't? I would feel completely disrespected, and like he showed no consideration for my feelings or my health.
The way OP worded it was a bit confusing, but I read it as Tina had come onto a previous ex, not her current husband. Either way it shows a pattern of untrustworthy and disrespectful behavior.
1. Yeah I’d never take my top off in front of my friends SO, weird and inappropriate unless women going topless is common in your friend group. 2. The way she handled it is manipulative. 3. I think it’s weird af that your husband left you to fend for yourself when you were sick. If my SO said they felt sick I’d head back to the room with them (and I say this as someone who has a very bad phobia of vomit). If they insisted I don’t come l absolutely wouldn’t have not checked in on them. You went to the room at 10:30 and at 2:30 he still hadn’t checked on you? Wtf?? And you had to struggle to get in contact with him?? I’d be on my phone texting my SO and making sure they’re okay and making sure I don’t miss any texts or calls. 3. At 3 he says he’ll be back soon and yet shows up at 4??
I think you’re justifiably mad at Tina but I don’t think you’re mad enough at your husband. Even if nothing inappropriate went on, he acted like a dick. He showed no consideration or concern for his ill wife. If my SO acted this way I’d be really reconsidering where our relationship stood.
In other comments, it sounds like this friend group in general has a problem with alcohol. If getting sick-drunk is a regular thing for them, I can see him being more blasé about it.
Like I kinda get it but also honestly that’s not an excuse for me. It actually makes it worse. People die from choking on vomit while passed out drunk. A family friend of mine had their boyfriend die from alcohol poisoning. I get it’s like annoying if someone is constantly getting sick from drinking too much and maybe it’s normalized but I’d never let my so drunk their feel sick partner walk back to our room alone and then not check in on them.
She is NOT your best friend. A friend would never do that. She had no right to take off her top in front of your husband and you need to cut her out of your life. She will hurt you in the end. Shes admitted to having affairs with married men. Sounds to me like she’s hoping to have one with your husband.
Your friend circle is toxic as fuck. Sounds like a alot of selfish people.
Nobody in that circle deserves an apology. All of them should be booted.
Sorry but a good friend would NEVER cross that line.
First off she has a drinking problem, sloppy, no boundaries of behavior strutting her stuff when drunk telling, and that would be the last time in my marriage I socialized like that. Why do I know, I was a young drunk woman who liked to be naked. Nude beach, ok, hot tub ok. I liked the attention and didn't care, (sober 30 years now, not nudist)
So her motives were poor behavior and husband didn't care either. So Yep it would be my last socializing like this. By the way, when I lived like that, I created my own bad luck, my own problems. Guess what clean and sober. I don't have them....
Whenever her friend messaged me, I vented to my husband that most of her problems come from her own bad choices (not all, but most). One of the things the friend mentioned is that Tina is stressed because she has a rat infestation in her house. I am about 90 percent sure she has a rat infestation in her house because she leaves dog food everywhere in her house including her bed because she says her dogs won't eat otherwise. Bonkers.
If my bestie was topless in front of my man I probably would've dropped her as a friend. I'd drop her and keep an eye on your husband. Maybe he did feel guilty because he did ask if you wanted to hear what happened last night but still I'm a little sused out by him
Tina is a home wrecker. You’re ok with women DELIBERATELY stepping on your toes and being all over your man (which she has already done)? RESPECT YOURSELF
gross. with friends like this who needs enemies? these people do not sound like your friends. also your husband didn’t check up on you while you were sick? like staying out till 4am and not being available is mad disrespectful…
Question: Were there other people in the hot tub beside your husband?
Why should you apologize? If anything, I'd distance myself from Tina and her cronies after this trip.
Based on your post, she's got some untrustworthy actions in the past, but you guys have been sweeping it under the rug. I'd not sweep it in anymore and just distance myself. Let them accuse you for being insecure, so what, consider them non-friends anymore.
As for your husband, what's his tory?
Sunk cost fallacy…OP, let Tina go. Your other friends who fell for her nonsense aren’t friends either as shown by them expecting you to apologize for Tina’s faux pas. My two cents.
Your husband should have accompanied you back and taken care of you. Your friend shouldn't have shown her breast to married guys. Overall, I think it's forgivable but you do have reason to be upset.
I wouldn't let it go. Seems like your husband at least tried to inform you of what happened (though possibly he did this out of guilt?). Tina sounds like bad news though. Personally, i think it's weird and inappropriate to get topless in a hot tub with friends and their spouses unless it's like an agreed upon thing. How am i the only on that finds this weird? It seems pretty rude to me.
From everything you've written here, "tina" sounds like a manipulative person that's desperate for attention. No idea whether she's specifically targeting your husband or whatever (and i'm not saying you should take it so personally), but either way I wouldn't want to hang out with someone like that anymore.
Dump this friend and your husband is an idiot to stay out that late. So many red flags in this story, it sounds like he cheated. Stop defending him too, he should have left like a smart SO would do instead of staying out till 4am with topless Tina.
Dude even with her questionable history aside, I am telling you right now from one woman to another I am not going to be in the hot tub with a dude who is in a relationship without his girlfriend present. Especially not with my top off, wtf?
She is too old to be playing dumb and pretending like she doesn’t know that several boundaries were crossed. Also, whose bathrobe was he in???? That’s sketchy.
I agree with everyone, Tina knows what she’s doing, maybe she just likes the attention? Maybe she’s horny, who knows.. but she’s rocking the boat on purpose especially since you weren’t there the night of the top less incident
It's entirely fair and understandable to be mad at Tina but I think you should consider how much of your reaction is anger at your husband that you are redirecting at Tina. Make sure your anger at Tina is just for what Tina did, and any anger that is really about your husband is worked out between you and him.
I agree, I think that is why I came here. I wanted to see if I was solely redirecting or if the incident in question was valid to be upset about.
I will talk about it with my counselor as well during our next session.
What did the other couple in the hot tub say about it?
A bunch of my friends all got together one year and did shrooms and went skinny dipping. It was totally fun and cool. However, your situation does sound sketch.
I think yourcsnger is justified. It was very unclssy of her to do whip her tits put in front of married men. Just maybe have a break from her and tell your other friends to mind their own business.
Whose robe was your husband wearing? Why did he not get up and leave. Whilst she did the wrong thing, he's the one who is married and should have come to check in on his sick wife.
Because I made Tina cry and be upset.
When I heard that, all I can think was "why do her feelings take priority?"
Somehow, me not immediately letting it go made me the villain of the story.
If any of her female friend text you again tell them that "the day they find her fucking their husbands you will be there to "support"(aka happily hear the tea)
I would be more mad that my husband didn’t immediately excuse himself, knowing that you would not be okay with this, but also I think it’s fine to be mad at her, knowing her history/lack of character. But also you shouldn’t expect a leopard to change its spots.
Honestly, there are so many layers to this story and everyone pretty much hit the nail on the head. My biggest gripe is your husband and how he behaved. How can he be fine with you being sick on your own during a trip together. The trip would he for me to make memories with my partner, and if my partner is unwell or needs downtime, then I’m gonna be there by their side, either taking care of them, or just enjoying the downtime by their side. Secondly, why did he think it was okay for him to be present in a hot tub when someone became nude for no reason, which I’m assuming yall have a boundary for like most couples I’m aware of…plus, he stayed incredibly late while in this situation and who knows exactly what may have transpired towards the tail end. He didn’t seem to care enough to return early and probably would have stayed even later at someone else’s room had you not called.
I agree with everyone else when I say that your friend is a manipulative covert person using DARVO. And, I would rather distance of end my friendship with such a friend group.
I dunno. Ive been in bed when male/female friends got drunk and nuded up in the spa with my husband. It makes me a lil uncomfortable perhaps that my man is seeing another womans tits…….but also she is human with normal tits at least. And im kinda jealous of her confidence cos i literally wouldnt likely do that with JUST my husband cos i have hangups and disliking of my body. Its really more my issue than hers.
Your friend was wrong to do what she did, but I think it could have been handled better.
When your husband asked if you wanted to talk about it, you put it off. When the truth came out, you ran away and start drinking. Then, there was all these side texts with other friends…
I’m sorry that you were put in this situation, but this wasn’t the best way to deal with conflict.
If I was in the friend group, I’d be upset for a vacation getting ruined by your “friend”, and by the mishandling of the conflict when maybe something could have been salvaged.
I agree that I could have handled it better. I have been in anger management counseling before and they say the best thing to do if you feel like you are about to lose control is to remove yourself from the situation. I probably should have confronted her at some point but I was a mess.
I think it's time for your sanity and your marriage that you cut teampy tina out of your life and maybe the other people who are clearly not your friends
I got to the part where you said she had an affair w a married man.
Affairs are abusive and traumatic. I will not be friends with anyone who participates in that shit knowingly. Their character and values do not match mine in any way, and I wouldn't trust them.
Women like her getting top less in front of other husband's, just attention seeking behavior. Not a good friend. Not even a friend.
No, you're not in the wrong. This all seems very shady and weird.
Why was she taking her tits out when it was mostly men in the hot tub? If it was just women or mostly women, I could see it being normal. Or if other people were doing it. But it sounds like she wanted attention from the men in the tub.
The fact that she's slept with at least one married man in the past and you have reason to suspect she has hit on one of your partners in the past is another red flag. Add to that your husband being MIA for several hours when he knew you were sick, and it's very fucking weird.
I don't know if there's enough evidence to assume anything more happened, or anything specifically between your husband and Tina. But there is more than enough reason to distance yourself from her, not least of which her being a bad friend and then playing victim to get other friends in your group to turn against you.
She sounds toxic as fuck.
She’s not your friend. She’s a drama queen who craves attention. Which is why she’s always having tough times and why she cried to the others resulting in one attacking you personally. Yes you’ve always been there for her and this is the thanks you get? She is not your friend and I fully believe she hit on your ex…
Are you a passive person? It boggles my mind you didn’t want to hear what your husband was up to.
Some friendships have seasons, and this friendship with Tina-that season is over. That friendship is equivalent to the ugly gray snow filled with rocks (drama) and won’t go away.
It’s time to let it go. She’s not a good friend. Breaking up with friends is hard, but after you are free and clear of her for a year or more, you will be asking yourself why you put up with her for so long.
She crossed a boundary and I really don’t think there is any going back. She doesn’t respect your friendship and hasn’t got a long time, otherwise she wouldn’t have made a move on one of your exes while you were dating. Who was she really going topless for? I’d bet she’s super jealous of you.
As for your husband, I’d be mad that he was out that late and never came back to check on you. Fail on his part.
Another thing I would think of: If it was as “innocent” as she claims it was, why didn’t she go topless on the other two nights when you were there with ur husband?? Why did she only go topless in the bathtub the one night you were sick and had to sit the night out?
Maybe I'm different but I literally would not give a fuck who was topless or whatever. Noone said your husband reacted or did anything. And Noone else husband left. She was trying to enjoy herself and so was everyone else. Although do believe she crossed a boundary.
She does sound like a messy friend though. Considering she gets wasted and hits on your previous bf. Idk if I'd call that a BFF or even a friend. She would have had no chance at being my friend after trying to make a move on my bf.
Exactly. I wouldn't give a shit and neither would my wife. A bunch of our friends have seen and continue to see us naked sometimes, even friends of the opposite sex. It's whatever for us.
But the betrayal comes from her already proving how shady her ass is. My friends have seen my wife naked, but they don't go around sexualizing her or trying to get with her. We just don't have moral hangups about nudity. The friend is shady and not trustworthy. I would have dropped her ass too from the jump when she tried to fuck OPs bf.
Me reading the title: no. Jeez what a prude!
After reading the story: yes yes yes why tf haven’t you smacked her yet??
Also, are you addicted to drama?
I would like to chime in again with another comment.
Your husband knew you left sick. Yet he never cared to check on you for more than 5 hours. He never even accompanied you to the room to make sure you were in bed safe.
This level of thoughtless and inconsiderate is beyond me.
More questions:
you said he went with Tina to her room to get more beers . Was she still topless ?
Was she topless the whole 5 hours ?
Who else was there the entire time ?
You can understand that you need to cross check with everyone to get the story straight because I didn't appreciate your husband's convenient "obliviousness"
It was a group setting (I think about 5-6 people were there). I think what hurts for me is that my best friend never considered if I was ok with that.
I am not against nudity when it is an appropriate time or place and all parties have consented. There was no consent when she took off her top.
I will make sure it is clear that it was a group on the post.
Edit: spelling
You are justified and you are not overreacting. Tina has a problem - probably insecurity and got topless in an inappropriate setting. Instead of being genuinely contrite, she decided to get the friend group to take sides.
I would rethink the friendship. If she acts like that in front of so many people, she would likely hit on your husband 1:1.
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I've always said that friendships have an expiration date, some will last until you pass away and some don't. Never feel bad for ditching a bad friend. A friend who clearly doesn't respect her friends or even herself (you mentioned her getting drunk all the time ). I don't have patience for people that bring drama to my life. Tina seems to be one of those people. It's time for you to ditch the friendship. As for the husband, he should have left immediately, don't let him get away with his behavior easy either. Good luck. UpdateMe!
First, she is not your best friend if she is topless in front of your husband! Seems she wants some action with your husband! Good that he was not alone with her and was truthful. However she is very manipulative- turned done of the group against you. Just cut your losses and end the friendship.
Oh you’re justified. Outside of very specific situations, It’s weird to get naked around your friend’s romantic patterns.
Tina is insecure and seems to value male attention and approval above all else - that’s why she sleeps with married men and takes her top off around her friend’s husbands. Dropping friends like this will make you happier and lead you to find better, deeper, more fulfilling friendships.
Your husband choosing to stay in an inappropriate situation is a whole other issue. He had an obligation to you. He broke it. Both he and Tina were in the wrong, but I’d argue he was more wrong as his obligation to you is stronger than hers.
I think i would have waited until home to text her period. To start it while still on vacation together. From the way she sounds.. had to be known she would turn to others it the group to try get support/sympathy from
She was beijg inappropriate. Come on, now. Its perfectly ok to say, " yeah, i would prefer for you to not see my close friend half naked". Why isnt anyone calling her out for being a "PICK ME" girl. FFS, with her married friends husbands.
I won't get into the question of whether you are justified in being angry because I believe it goes without saying that YOU ARE PRETTY MUCH JUSTIFIED after the multiple stunts this Tina pulled .
My genuine question is this : what was actually her intent in getting topless in a bathtub with other couples and her friend's husband ?
I don't see anything that would render a good enough excuse for someone to do that .
Yeah, Tina got to go.
Sure let’s focus on Tina, but where was your husband and which room did the robe come from and do you think anything happened between your husband and Tina
Op, YTA, your husband was going to tell you what went on the night before, and you dismissed him. You could have gone into the day already knowing what had happened, but YOU chose not to.
Then you hear about it from Tina, and you suck the life out of this trip.
Maybe next time you should kick back and say yes, husband, tell me what happened last night.
You don’t need this in your life, nor does your husband. Cut your losses and move on from this “friend,” who doesn’t sound like much of a friend at all.
1) Just from reading the title; with only the title as context- Yes you’re justified. Unless she took her top off to stop someone’s bleeding or save a baby animal and told him to look away LOL.
2) Okay, you mentioned birthday party. Kind of sounds like maybe people got raunchy here and drunk? So, definitely not saving someone’s life or saving animals- sounds like party behavior. Nope. Nobody gets to show their boobs to other people’s partners just because it’s party time. Especially when we’re not 18.
3) Tina brought up being topless because \*she knows it’s not a conventional and typically socially accepted thing to do.\* She wouldn’t bring up the topic if she didn’t think there was something special about it. So she knew what she did was not conventional; and if she was a good friend, she wouldn’t of just assumed you’d be fine with it. That’s selfish. You’re allowed to have boundaries, and if her not being able to show her boobs in front of your husband’s eyes is you “squashing her freedom,” then I would RUN from her as a friend.
4) The other person who texted you in Tina’s defense is not a good friend either- that’s weird, that she’s making you and Tina’s issues her concern. Especially on a topic so intense and personal. She didn’t even offer support….she judged you instead. Really, really weird. Seems like people are more interested with keeping their "fun and social time" people around themselves; more than they're interesting in truly CONNECTING with their friends, and pushing them to be better/being pushed to be better. Sounds like people who don't know/want to seek out TRULY good friends and get something really genuine out of the connections.
5) Tina’s already made a move on your ex. Again, she is extra-not a true friend. There is a 0.00001% chance that Tina truly didn’t see anything weird about being topless- the truth is Tina didn’t care.
I honestly think Tina and that other girl are a huge threat to the maturity and peace in your life.
I read your entire post, everything up until him being in the hot tub with your friends and your friend, being topless, no issue with all of that. If he’s your boyfriend, and they’re your friends, and you drank too much and passed out early, they did nothing wrong, You should’ve been with him, but you passed out so he went to hang out with your friends, and ended up in a hot tub with someone topless.
HOWEVER.. when you woke up and called him, and he didn’t pick up the phone, and then he texted you, and didn’t get back to the room for a while, huge red flag….. not OK, and the top it off he has a bathrobe for another room in the hotel? so at worst he was five minutes away, nap him not answering him taking a while to respond, you called him at 2:30 AM and he didn’t get back to the room at 4 AM. Somethings not right, he wasn’t doing something you wanted to be doing.
You're justified if this is a boundary for you.
My wife and I don't care about this kind of stuff so I personally wouldn't give a shit. My friends and I have seen each other naked so much it's insane. Ffs my sister stripped butt ass naked in front of my dude bff one night. It was actually so funny because she ran into the room screaming about how much she itched and just ripped off all her clothes and just stood there with her arms and legs spread out so her skin didn't touch itself. Then she walked like that into the shower. It was pretty funny. I have seen my friend's husband naked so often I know his body like my own hand. He has also seen me naked that much as well. Nothing sexual has ever happened between any of us. We just have no issues over nudity, or body conservativism. One of my bff's has a bunch of pictures of my wife's ass so that she can paint a big ass oil painting of it. She likes to paint asses.
That being said, it's your boundary that you feel she crossed. If you feel like she has violated that boundary, you're totally justified in your response.
However, I would also speak with the other friends and see what they say about everything that happened too. Cover all bases ya know?
You don’t need toxic people like this in your life. I promise they will do nothing but bring you down and also will be destructive. I’ve learned my lesson to stay far far away from these types of people and to notice red flags for what they are when they show up.
Your husband should have left and it looks like Tina has a..ahem..history of dodgy behavior. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I can throw her. But I’d still be on the husband for not leaving, AND being late. What was his excuse for that one?
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So, just to be clear, Tina: 1. Has had affairs with with married men in the past, 2. Hit on your ex (whom you threw under the bus), 3. Took her top off while in a hot tub with your husband, 4. Has never put much effort into your friendship, 5. When you did call her out, sent a non-apology saying it wasn’t her intent to flirt, 6. When you did call her out, did a tearful production to turn your friends against you… And you want to know if you’re justified in being angry at her? Why yes, I’d say you were.
I agree with 2. Looking back, I was not fair to him on that.
I just wanna say you don’t have to keep being friends with someone because you been fiends with them for X number of years! Like let them go. If someone took off their top in an intimate environment in from of my husband that’s a hard no. But like also he would not have put himself in that situ. So like yeah counseling… but mine would have been like this was weird and I don’t wanna hang out with her anymore. This sucks all around but hubs reaction is suspect too. Sorry X(
I smell a master manipulator...
And habitual liar too?
They do tend to go hand in hand.
With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Enemies. How would they become super villains without competition?
Tina sucks. She has a history of cheating, she has made a move on at least one of your previous partners, and she disrobed in front of your husband. She knows exactly what she's doing, and when you called her on it instead of owning her bad behavior she turned on the waterworks and played victim so your mutual friends would feel badly for her. >Tina has been my friend for a decade now and to be fair, she is going through a tough time. So does everybody sometimes, and most of us manage not to whip our tits out in front of married men about it.
Thanks for this, the "most of us manage not to whip out our tits" gave me a chuckle and made me feel better
You should ask her if she would have whipped them out if you were there. Did any of the other women follow her lead? I think you should be more upset about the aftmath because it calls into question her motivation for doing it in the first place. 0
There was one married couple in the hot tub.
True but if this was the first step in her trying to target OP's husband I'm guessing it wouldn't have happened. Sounds like she is manipulative enough to read situations that could turn into opportunities and play the long game.
I went thru a hard time and one of my best girl friends in the world told me once to text a funny vid to her bf. He's my friend too but SINCE I HAVE BOUNDARIES AND RESPECT I cc her on the text. I'm a girls girl and that's why I don't keep friendships w women who date and whip their tits out in front of married men. This screams personality disordered so no reason to even keep going w her. She will never "get it" you should move on.
Yeah, my life sucks right now but so far I’ve managed to keep my shirt on in public 😂
I haven’t flashed *anyone*! 😂🤣
Champion! Lol
Trust Reddit to help me feel like a better person than I probably am 🤣
Hey, take the W lol
Yes, everyone struggles at times, but not everyone behaves inappropriately like Tina and then cries when it doesn't all go her way, or always seeks out sympathy like it appears she might? I agree that Tina knows what she is doing and that it's totally inappropriate. She sounds like an attention seeker and you'll always be dealing with her drama, but perhaps it's time to decide if this unbalanced friendship is really worth it? In all honesty, when people were messaging you, you could have also pointed out that Tina also has a history of inappropriateness with married men and you previous partner too, so your upset with her was not unfounded. You kinda left yourself open to their criticism and preserved Tina's dignity when it sounds like it was time for her to account for her poor behaviour. Some people will always say to take the high road, but sometimes people need to have bad behaviour called out.
The more I review over our history, Tina has a tendency of seeking out attention/sympathy. I have a standing Wednesday night group meeting with other friends which she sometimes joins. I have been defending her pretty regularly with that group because they complain that all she talks about herself and only wants to get dinner where she wants to go. On the sharing of her history, I try to be a good confidant to my friends. I only told my husband after the fact because I wanted him to at least know the context. I am debating on the friendship, she hurt me and proceeded to make it all about herself.
Stop inviting her to that group. My guess is other people actively dislike her but are beating around the bush by blaming it on her insisting she picks where you go. Don't lose that friend group for somebody who doesn't care about you.
Definitely this too, don't let her damage your other friendships. They're probably tolerating her more for you, than anything.
She sounds like that "type", IYKWIM, I seem to have a radar for those people, even when reading about them 😅 I try to avoid people like this because they've often take a lot of mental energy to handle and are problematic. It is understandable though, that you were being considerate of not spreading those details, especially when you're trying to work out if your anger is displaced, it seems fair to be angry with both, but especially her because of her history. I honestly don't think your husband was up to no good as others have suggested, he did try to talk to you about the night, but he does suck for not checking if you were okay and being out so late, it was inconsiderate, and on top of that her bf was about too? so I think her attempting anything more was too risky with all those people about.
I’m glad I read your comment first. I was going to write something, but not so direct. Direct is better. I agree with this. OP, 10 years is a long time, but also had allowed you to know her. You know she really does not have an issue with cheating, had a crush on your husband and seriously 4 am? Even if your husband remained a good guy, your best friend didn’t make it easy for him. Sorry your other friends don’t see the picture. Maybe if it were their husband they would. Who knows, maybe one day it will their husband.
>most of us manage not to whip our tits out in front of married men about it. 🤣🤣🤣 Right on
☝️
There it is, that’s what he was doing.
Tina knows what she is doing on both accounts: enticing your husband and manipulating the friend group using DARVO like tactics. This is not someone who is on your side, and historically never really was. And your husband effed up big tine, by staying so long with her like that he disrespected you and signaled to her that his boundaries are thin. Now that this has unfolded as you think back are more red flags emerging? Has Tina displayed subtle odds behaviors or said things that now seem sketchy?
Yup. So much DARVO. *"I showed off my tits in front of your husband while you were out sick and you felt uncomfortable. Waaaaahhhhhh."* NO. She is not a good friend to you. She may be charming and all, but she is not a good friend. I would take a huge step back from her because she is setting off all alarm bells. Basically, the only message she is sending by showing off her body in that kind of setting is "hey, take a look at this. Do you like what you see??"
I am not sure about sketchy but I think what I am realizing is that she is selfish. A red flag she has always had is being mean to service industry workers.
Omg how did you stay friends w this awful woman for sp long?! Mean or rude to service workers got me more riled up than her affair w a married man for some reason. Girl, you need to understand what type of mentally ill people do shit like this. It's either borderline or narcissistic and they never change. They need attention, they are insecure, and will only suck you dry emotionally.
I always make sure to tip extra when I am out with her.
I'm sorry, but in this situation, if I told my husband I was sick to the point of "gory details", then he would've accompanied me back to our room for the night, on HIS insistence. He wouldn't ever ever leave me like that to fend for myself. The rest wouldn't have had a chance to happen. I cannot fathom how your husband would've ignored your calls the rest of the night. That whole thing sounds fishy as fuck. "Tina" and hubby would be "on notice" with me until further notice, if you get my drift.
This is my thinking too. Your husband left you sick and alone to hang out with a topless woman. That’s the headline…not the topless woman.
Uhhh also guys like we really shouldn’t be glossing over the whole “came back in a robe from another room” thing. Like to my understanding, OP’s husband has yet to offer an explanation for how exactly the robe from another hotel room somehow found its way on his body. Like, whose room???? If he didn’t enter another person’s room, and it was just given to him, that seems like the kind of information you would quickly offer to your partner. It’s weird that he didn’t.
I know! I'd be surprised if he and Tina didn't sleep together.
Yeah and pretty much everyone in that friend group is a snake if not one of them has the sense to agree that a GROWN ASS FORTY YEAR OLD WOMAN taking her top off in the hot tub with men who are dating her FRIENDS is weird as shit. Maybe in highschool this shit would fly, but even in college that’s the kind of thing I would ghost someone for- even if it wasn’t my boyfriend involved. Like it’s just willful ignorance and denial to pretend like that isn’t super super super weird for a person to do. Let’s flip the script and say that OP was in the hot tub when a mutual friend whipped his dick out and was just freeballing it in the hot tub with his homies girls. I will actually bet money that not one person reading this would think that’s totally normal and okay. But for some reason when we put it in the context of a woman doing it, it’s like up for debate??? And I’m a girl, btw. I’m just saying that shit is weird af.
Yes, it's the husband's utter disregard for his sick wife that gets me...the "friend" is an easily-fixable side problem, really.
If my girlfriend were sick in this situation, I couldn’t enjoy myself outside anyway.
I don't necessarily think that's a bad choice, but you'd also probably have your phone easily accessible on case your partner needed help, right? Sounds like OP's husband had his shit set aside or on silent so he didn't have to be bothered by interruptions.
If I am sick like that, I want to be left alone, especially in a hotel room where there isn't much privacy. Most of you disagree with that. So, taking that into consideration along with your husband's hot tub behavior, I think you are projecting the anger you feel for your husband on to her. She sucks and you should drop her as a friend, but your husband sucks even more.
I think the important missing piece here is "What actually happened with your husband that night?" I would want to know why he didn't answer you and why he had someone else's robe on. That's really damning and probably significantly added to the way you felt. I generally try to advocate for not equating nudity to sex, but it's not really about that—it's about her intentions and your husband's actions. So in the context of the relationship I feel like you need to establish that. I think whether you want to admit it or not, Tina's intentions are very clear. She knows exactly what she was doing and probably knew what she was doing by mentioning it too. In the context of the friend group, I think it's shitty of them to gossip about you and it shows you a lot about what kind of people they are and whose side they will take. This should never even have been about sides. You did your best to keep this from the rest of the group despite being upset about it. Tina dragged everyone else into her guilt. She successfully got all the attention and sympathy on her despite being in the wrong, and any friends who go along with that are people you need to watch out for. I'm sorry this turned into such a clusterfuck and I sincerely hope you can find peace with everyone involved.
Yeah, why did your husband show up in Room 237 bathrobe?
I think I should clarify something here, it wasn't just my husband and her there at the time. There were several others. Tina was the only one who went topless. My husband stated that once she did that, he tried to redirect the entire group to do something else to get out of the situation. He admits he should have just left. We both have a history of taking care of her when she gets drunk (me more so obviously) but I honestly think that is why he stayed. He is a good friend to a fault sometimes. I told my husband that one of my biggest issues that night is that neither him or her gave me a second thought.
Doesn't explain the robe thing or him not answering for ages, but I understand. I'm not trying to villainize him at all, I just wanted to clarify what actually happened because the whole thing seems weird. "but it sounds like you and him are relatively okay and your issues lie with Tina and the friend group.
I can provide additional context (post was already stupid long and didn't want to bog it down anymore). On the phone thing, he has his set to do not disturb during the night. Before I went to the room he told me that it wasn't working right as the kiddo attempted to call him and it didn't go through (you can customize the list of who can still contact you during this timeframe). He did also have me test it and it wasn't working right. Would say though, he typically never takes that long to respond. If anything, he gets on my case for not responding fast enough. Robe thing was apparently they got in the pool with clothes on and the only towel he was able to find was wet so he swapped it with a robe from her room (Tina's boyfriend - who she is on the rocks with currently, was in the room at the time). Apparently they went to get more beers from Tina's fridge. Agreed weird but his explanations made sense.
I think his explanations sound more like shitty excuses. How can you be sure nothing happened between him and Tina? Let’s weigh up all the suspicious details: • Tina is a shitty friend by default, with a history of making a move on your ex boyfriends. • Tina loves attention. • Tina had affairs with married men. • Scott didn’t care enough about you *(his sick girlfriend)* to accompany you back to the hotel and take care of you. • Scott has proven that him having fun is more important to him than making sure you’re alright. • Scott stayed within Tina’s company despite her being topless. • Scott gave Tina the attention she very clearly craved, by staying and likely enjoying the view a little too much. He then followed topless girl into her room where he used her robe, and *apparently* her on/off boyfriend was in there too. But where is the proof??? Can her boyfriend verify this? And how can you be so sure that the other friends didn’t leave the hot tub earlier, leaving Tina alone with Scott?
Christ every comment by OP has me shaking my head "Oh honey, no..."
You're being an asshole to yourself, here. Your husband just admitted that he was in Tina's room and took her robe. Ostensibly, he was with her for almost 5 hours, basically until dawn. The story is that Tina's boyfriend, who she's fighting with, was there. Have you verified that story with HIM? Tina went and did "woe is me in the victim, she's insecure" damage control the very same day this happened. It seems incredibly likely that they were fucking. Tina probably wanted to finish the job she started with your ex.
Boyfriend stated before the topless part came up that he was woken up by them coming in the room.
I don't think the post was stupid long. It helps readers know that there is an explanation just as it probably helped you. If you trust that what he's saying is true, that's good enough for me and any Redditor that isn't just out for blood.
are you sure they were never alone?
You can turn off DND if the accepted bypass list isn't working. I do it all the time when I'm working night shift in case I get any messages from anybody. I usually have time to text when working nights, so I'll turn DND off and chat with people in other time zones if they're up and things are really slow. And then it turns back on automatically the next night. Not everybody realizes this, but it's possible your husband chose not to turn it off. And regardless, it was 10 at night. Other than you, how many people would be texting or calling him in the middle of the night? He should have turned DND off in case you needed him since he knew you were sick.
If he knew his phone wasn't working right, why did he let you back to the room alone while you were sick? What if you had been calling him because you needed help? And if he could go to Tina's room to get a robe, why couldn't he have just gone back to your room? His explanations actually don't make much sense.
Maybe it's my exposure to kink communities. Nudity doesn't strike me as much in itself. clearly it went past your boundaries. I'd be more concerned with his inconsiderate behavior toward his sick wife than his looking out for a stupid drunk mutual friend.
45 minutes is not “ages”. Dial down the hyberbole.
So why was he in the robe not answering? Did he “help” her to her room? Girl…
He was in a robe covering his wet clothes?
Room 237 is from The Shinning movie with jack Nicholson going to the hotel room 237 and seeing a naked lady I'm the tub with her tits out, only to be a ghost of a naked old lady with no teeth it's supposed to be funny but clearly went over your head- no offense it happens not everyone is a horror junkie would know the reference 🤣 but anyhoo and whoever is agreeing with the free my tits girl needs to be dropped from your life, like she does, cause whoever made that side jab of you needing to get over your trauma would be the last shit anyone would say to me so drop that chick too 💁♀️ so do yourself a favor and drop those people too cause naw.
The reference definitely went over my head lol. I am a self proclaimed wuss when it comes to horror movies. The trauma comment just made me wonder how much they were talking about me and my background. Both her and Tina know a lot of my history and I wonder how much of that was shared with people I barely know.
Your husband needs to own up to this… he is acting shady.. Moving forward - STOP TAKING CARE OF HER and your husband needs to go No contact with her! She sounds like someone who homewrecks to make herself feel better
i would be angry. BUT…you are directing a lot of anger at the friend because it’s easier than dealing with the anger you should have- the anger at your husband. Would you have been this angry if you had been in the hot tub as well, or would it have not been a huge deal to you? he chose to stay. He chose to roll in the room at 4am in a robe from another room, but she is the one bearing the brunt of your anger. he is the one that took vows. He’s the one that disrespected your marriage. You need to spend some time thinking about who is really responsible for the situation and what the problem really is here.
I completely agree. My husband would never have left me in the room alone while I was sick especially without checking on me and definitely not until 4am. This woman showing her boobs would be the least of my concerns. My husband ignoring me while I was sick and in a strange place and staying out until 4 am with a topless woman and then going to her room would be very concerning to me.
That is fair. I have been worried that I am displacing some of my anger. Honestly I am not super comfortable with unexpected nudity or seeing my friends naked. I would have noped out of there even if it was just me.
I think they make a good point, this is something thats never happened or you thought could, so its probably a boundary to talk about.
First off, it's completely natural to be upset when your best friend decides to have a topless fiesta in front of your husband. That's not exactly "normal best friend behavior." Picture it: you're sick in bed, and she's having a "Girls Gone Wild" moment in the hot tub. Anyone would see red.
Odd that you mention "Girls Gone Wild". One of the other girls on the trip got trucker hats made that look very similar to the hats that were popular for that show back in the 90s? I am not really familiar but several folks mentioned the similarity. Lol on the topless fiesta.
Haha, sounds like your trip had some unexpected fashion throwbacks! Those trucker hats must have brought some retro vibes. As for the "Girls Gone Wild" reference, that's a blast from the past! It's funny how things from different eras can unexpectedly pop up in our lives today, isn't it?
Nah fuck that. If my best friend got topless in front of my husband (without me present) I would be furious. She also mentioned it knowing you would be upset because otherwise, why mention it?
You really should have included [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/xvP9Osp96e) as well as [your follow up comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/uENMOck0xm) in your original. Tina isn’t a friend and should be dropped. But you knew this already, your friends are people that have affairs with married men and have previously hit on your own partners, so… not to be rude but Tina has repeatedly shown you who she is, maybe it’s time to notice? Husband should have left. Per your comment, yeah he might be used to taking care of friends including Tina to a fault, but he should have been taking care of you, not her. Unless you communicated something specific that told him not to. Regardless, come up with an excuse to leave once Tina starts crossing that line. But from the sounds of it, again not to be rude, none of you have a very healthy relationship with alcohol so between you getting sick, Tina being a sloppy topless drunk, and hot tubs at 4 am, I highly doubt anyone was sober enough to make even a mildly rational decision. I had to check the ages again. Might be time to get that under control.
I also had to double-check the ages, and am surprised more people aren't commenting on their destructive relationship with drinking. My friend group is the same age as OPs and while we still get shitfaced together every now and then, I would be so embarrassed if I took it so far that I was causing drama and my making my friends "take care of me", let alone it being a regular thing. Tina sounds like someone who thinks she can get away with anything without consequences as long as she has the excuse of "oops teehee, I was drunk", and her friend group will all coddle and enable her. It kinda looks like she didn't do anything out of the ordinary for her, and OP is just reaping the fruits of the dynamic she's had a hand in cultivating for the past 10 years.
Oh the sick part I think was food poisoning (or maybe related to one of my meds). Mother is an alcoholic so I try to monitor that and only drink socially (except for the aforementioned tequila consumption). Tina does have a tendency to get drunk on a fairly regular basis which I think she should address. But I am starting to feel that won't be my problem.
Her boyfriend was there, so it's his responsibility to take care of her.
That’s what happens if you have a bestie who doesn’t give a sh’t about people being married. Lol. And your husband? You were sick and he was enjoying himself so much he didn’t even check on you. You pick all the wrong people for yourself.
After all of this it would be an ex friend. Those that side with her need to go also.
You're justified and I would check with your husband and figure out exactually where the fuck he was. He was in someone else's hotel room, girl if anything you're under reacting
Oh, I so think he cheated on you. Sorry. Oh, NTA, lose the girl, she's not your friend. And you may have a hard time with your friends because she'll be turning them against you with her tears. You decide how to deal. I'd drop anyone who believes her and doesn't even try to hear my side. I'd only keep those who would be interesting in listening to my side. Only if they don't bring her drama to my side or don't share things about me to her. But it's up to you.
Second this. Lose the one who said it brought the mood down, too, because they don’t seem to care about you, OP. The comment about your trauma was unnecessary & unkind. It sounds like you’re surrounded by shitty people.
Right?! I’m thinking the same thing and everyone is covering for the 2 of them. That’s why they are all ganging up on her. I would be doing some serious investigating and getting and std/STI check done. OP you really need to figure out what your husband was up to at 4am. That’s some BS right there.
Why would Tina’s current boyfriend cover for them cheating?
Who says he isn't involved? Three or more makes a party...
So they just all had an opportunistic group hot tub orgy? Sounds likely
Sounds like none of them can handle their alcohol. He was probably passed out somewhere like OPs claiming her husband was.
So, who's room did husband change clothes and get the bathrobe from? What was he doing while not answering the phone?
I don't think he ever changed clothes, just put the robe over them. Not entirely sure of the exact timeline for the night. Based off the conversations with the broader group, it did seem that they were all together throughout the evening.
Why don't you clearly ask your husband for the full story instead of trying to piece things together?
Tina obviously sucks. I cannot count the ways in which she sucks. I’d cut her as a friend because what does she add to your life other than misery? Friends at this age should add to your life. There isn’t enough focus on your husband here though. You know Tina, call a spade a spade. You’re focusing your energy on her but she isn’t married to you. Your husband knows your boundaries. Your husband chose to violate your marital boundaries. Your husband chose to hang out with Tina’s tits until two in the morning. Direct your emotion there where it should be.
How tf are you all middle aged and acting like you're 18yo.
Fuck Tina
Pretty sure OP’s husband did
😳😳
Sounds like a couple of problems. 1) A "friend" problem. If she has come on to your SO before, had an affair with a married man, and went topless in front of your husband without knowing how either of you felt about it, then she's a shit friend and you should drop her like the hot mess she is. Crying, playing the victim, and involving other people/sending her flying monkeys at you is high school drama you don't need. 2) A you problem. You don't really get a say in if she decides to go topless, and it sounds like you and your husband were not on the same page, however, you should not have dismissed her hitting on ~~him~~ your SO "because she's your friend" and "a sloppy drunk". Communicate about what are boundaries for you. My husband and I actually disagree on this topic; what is a boundary for me is no big deal to him and vice versa. But the key is, he knows what my boundaries are and does not cross them, and I show him the same respect. 3) A husband problem. He shows up late, when you're sick, doesn't answer texts, and comes in dressed in a robe from another room? You tell him he should have left when she took her top off and he agrees...but he didn't? I would feel completely disrespected, and like he showed no consideration for my feelings or my health.
The way OP worded it was a bit confusing, but I read it as Tina had come onto a previous ex, not her current husband. Either way it shows a pattern of untrustworthy and disrespectful behavior.
Ah I had to go back and read it a third time lol but I think you're right! Still shows a worrying pattern.
1. Yeah I’d never take my top off in front of my friends SO, weird and inappropriate unless women going topless is common in your friend group. 2. The way she handled it is manipulative. 3. I think it’s weird af that your husband left you to fend for yourself when you were sick. If my SO said they felt sick I’d head back to the room with them (and I say this as someone who has a very bad phobia of vomit). If they insisted I don’t come l absolutely wouldn’t have not checked in on them. You went to the room at 10:30 and at 2:30 he still hadn’t checked on you? Wtf?? And you had to struggle to get in contact with him?? I’d be on my phone texting my SO and making sure they’re okay and making sure I don’t miss any texts or calls. 3. At 3 he says he’ll be back soon and yet shows up at 4?? I think you’re justifiably mad at Tina but I don’t think you’re mad enough at your husband. Even if nothing inappropriate went on, he acted like a dick. He showed no consideration or concern for his ill wife. If my SO acted this way I’d be really reconsidering where our relationship stood.
In other comments, it sounds like this friend group in general has a problem with alcohol. If getting sick-drunk is a regular thing for them, I can see him being more blasé about it.
Like I kinda get it but also honestly that’s not an excuse for me. It actually makes it worse. People die from choking on vomit while passed out drunk. A family friend of mine had their boyfriend die from alcohol poisoning. I get it’s like annoying if someone is constantly getting sick from drinking too much and maybe it’s normalized but I’d never let my so drunk their feel sick partner walk back to our room alone and then not check in on them.
She is NOT your best friend. A friend would never do that. She had no right to take off her top in front of your husband and you need to cut her out of your life. She will hurt you in the end. Shes admitted to having affairs with married men. Sounds to me like she’s hoping to have one with your husband.
Your friend circle is toxic as fuck. Sounds like a alot of selfish people. Nobody in that circle deserves an apology. All of them should be booted. Sorry but a good friend would NEVER cross that line.
First off she has a drinking problem, sloppy, no boundaries of behavior strutting her stuff when drunk telling, and that would be the last time in my marriage I socialized like that. Why do I know, I was a young drunk woman who liked to be naked. Nude beach, ok, hot tub ok. I liked the attention and didn't care, (sober 30 years now, not nudist) So her motives were poor behavior and husband didn't care either. So Yep it would be my last socializing like this. By the way, when I lived like that, I created my own bad luck, my own problems. Guess what clean and sober. I don't have them....
Whenever her friend messaged me, I vented to my husband that most of her problems come from her own bad choices (not all, but most). One of the things the friend mentioned is that Tina is stressed because she has a rat infestation in her house. I am about 90 percent sure she has a rat infestation in her house because she leaves dog food everywhere in her house including her bed because she says her dogs won't eat otherwise. Bonkers.
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This right here.
If my bestie was topless in front of my man I probably would've dropped her as a friend. I'd drop her and keep an eye on your husband. Maybe he did feel guilty because he did ask if you wanted to hear what happened last night but still I'm a little sused out by him
Tina is a home wrecker. You’re ok with women DELIBERATELY stepping on your toes and being all over your man (which she has already done)? RESPECT YOURSELF
gross. with friends like this who needs enemies? these people do not sound like your friends. also your husband didn’t check up on you while you were sick? like staying out till 4am and not being available is mad disrespectful…
She would be my ex friend, and who's room was your husband in last night? UpdateMe
Question: Were there other people in the hot tub beside your husband? Why should you apologize? If anything, I'd distance myself from Tina and her cronies after this trip. Based on your post, she's got some untrustworthy actions in the past, but you guys have been sweeping it under the rug. I'd not sweep it in anymore and just distance myself. Let them accuse you for being insecure, so what, consider them non-friends anymore. As for your husband, what's his tory?
Sunk cost fallacy…OP, let Tina go. Your other friends who fell for her nonsense aren’t friends either as shown by them expecting you to apologize for Tina’s faux pas. My two cents.
Your husband should have accompanied you back and taken care of you. Your friend shouldn't have shown her breast to married guys. Overall, I think it's forgivable but you do have reason to be upset.
I wouldn't let it go. Seems like your husband at least tried to inform you of what happened (though possibly he did this out of guilt?). Tina sounds like bad news though. Personally, i think it's weird and inappropriate to get topless in a hot tub with friends and their spouses unless it's like an agreed upon thing. How am i the only on that finds this weird? It seems pretty rude to me. From everything you've written here, "tina" sounds like a manipulative person that's desperate for attention. No idea whether she's specifically targeting your husband or whatever (and i'm not saying you should take it so personally), but either way I wouldn't want to hang out with someone like that anymore.
More is probably going to come out regarding where husband got that bathrobe
Dump this friend and your husband is an idiot to stay out that late. So many red flags in this story, it sounds like he cheated. Stop defending him too, he should have left like a smart SO would do instead of staying out till 4am with topless Tina.
Dude even with her questionable history aside, I am telling you right now from one woman to another I am not going to be in the hot tub with a dude who is in a relationship without his girlfriend present. Especially not with my top off, wtf? She is too old to be playing dumb and pretending like she doesn’t know that several boundaries were crossed. Also, whose bathrobe was he in???? That’s sketchy.
Were you & your husband married when she was coming to you about guilt over an affair with a married man?
Yes, she told me about it a while back and my husband and I were either engaged or married at that point.
Did she tell you who the married man was?
Ahh, you think its her husband
I agree with everyone, Tina knows what she’s doing, maybe she just likes the attention? Maybe she’s horny, who knows.. but she’s rocking the boat on purpose especially since you weren’t there the night of the top less incident
It's entirely fair and understandable to be mad at Tina but I think you should consider how much of your reaction is anger at your husband that you are redirecting at Tina. Make sure your anger at Tina is just for what Tina did, and any anger that is really about your husband is worked out between you and him.
I agree, I think that is why I came here. I wanted to see if I was solely redirecting or if the incident in question was valid to be upset about. I will talk about it with my counselor as well during our next session.
What did the other couple in the hot tub say about it? A bunch of my friends all got together one year and did shrooms and went skinny dipping. It was totally fun and cool. However, your situation does sound sketch.
I think yourcsnger is justified. It was very unclssy of her to do whip her tits put in front of married men. Just maybe have a break from her and tell your other friends to mind their own business. Whose robe was your husband wearing? Why did he not get up and leave. Whilst she did the wrong thing, he's the one who is married and should have come to check in on his sick wife.
Yea maybe Tina shouldn’t be taking her titties out. End of story.
Tina and her flying monkeys are all garbage. Why exactly are your friends blaming you for the mood?
Because I made Tina cry and be upset. When I heard that, all I can think was "why do her feelings take priority?" Somehow, me not immediately letting it go made me the villain of the story.
If any of her female friend text you again tell them that "the day they find her fucking their husbands you will be there to "support"(aka happily hear the tea)
I would be more mad that my husband didn’t immediately excuse himself, knowing that you would not be okay with this, but also I think it’s fine to be mad at her, knowing her history/lack of character. But also you shouldn’t expect a leopard to change its spots.
Dump Tina. 2 strikes are enough.
Honestly, there are so many layers to this story and everyone pretty much hit the nail on the head. My biggest gripe is your husband and how he behaved. How can he be fine with you being sick on your own during a trip together. The trip would he for me to make memories with my partner, and if my partner is unwell or needs downtime, then I’m gonna be there by their side, either taking care of them, or just enjoying the downtime by their side. Secondly, why did he think it was okay for him to be present in a hot tub when someone became nude for no reason, which I’m assuming yall have a boundary for like most couples I’m aware of…plus, he stayed incredibly late while in this situation and who knows exactly what may have transpired towards the tail end. He didn’t seem to care enough to return early and probably would have stayed even later at someone else’s room had you not called. I agree with everyone else when I say that your friend is a manipulative covert person using DARVO. And, I would rather distance of end my friendship with such a friend group.
I dunno. Ive been in bed when male/female friends got drunk and nuded up in the spa with my husband. It makes me a lil uncomfortable perhaps that my man is seeing another womans tits…….but also she is human with normal tits at least. And im kinda jealous of her confidence cos i literally wouldnt likely do that with JUST my husband cos i have hangups and disliking of my body. Its really more my issue than hers.
Tina the tramp
Your friend was wrong to do what she did, but I think it could have been handled better. When your husband asked if you wanted to talk about it, you put it off. When the truth came out, you ran away and start drinking. Then, there was all these side texts with other friends… I’m sorry that you were put in this situation, but this wasn’t the best way to deal with conflict. If I was in the friend group, I’d be upset for a vacation getting ruined by your “friend”, and by the mishandling of the conflict when maybe something could have been salvaged.
I agree that I could have handled it better. I have been in anger management counseling before and they say the best thing to do if you feel like you are about to lose control is to remove yourself from the situation. I probably should have confronted her at some point but I was a mess.
I think it's time for your sanity and your marriage that you cut teampy tina out of your life and maybe the other people who are clearly not your friends
Sorry friend or not she shouldn’t have went topless in front of people at all and I would be pissed if someone was defending her
I got to the part where you said she had an affair w a married man. Affairs are abusive and traumatic. I will not be friends with anyone who participates in that shit knowingly. Their character and values do not match mine in any way, and I wouldn't trust them. Women like her getting top less in front of other husband's, just attention seeking behavior. Not a good friend. Not even a friend.
No, you're not in the wrong. This all seems very shady and weird. Why was she taking her tits out when it was mostly men in the hot tub? If it was just women or mostly women, I could see it being normal. Or if other people were doing it. But it sounds like she wanted attention from the men in the tub. The fact that she's slept with at least one married man in the past and you have reason to suspect she has hit on one of your partners in the past is another red flag. Add to that your husband being MIA for several hours when he knew you were sick, and it's very fucking weird. I don't know if there's enough evidence to assume anything more happened, or anything specifically between your husband and Tina. But there is more than enough reason to distance yourself from her, not least of which her being a bad friend and then playing victim to get other friends in your group to turn against you. She sounds toxic as fuck.
Friend’s don’t get naked in front of their friend’s husbands.
She’s not your friend. She’s a drama queen who craves attention. Which is why she’s always having tough times and why she cried to the others resulting in one attacking you personally. Yes you’ve always been there for her and this is the thanks you get? She is not your friend and I fully believe she hit on your ex… Are you a passive person? It boggles my mind you didn’t want to hear what your husband was up to.
Some friendships have seasons, and this friendship with Tina-that season is over. That friendship is equivalent to the ugly gray snow filled with rocks (drama) and won’t go away. It’s time to let it go. She’s not a good friend. Breaking up with friends is hard, but after you are free and clear of her for a year or more, you will be asking yourself why you put up with her for so long. She crossed a boundary and I really don’t think there is any going back. She doesn’t respect your friendship and hasn’t got a long time, otherwise she wouldn’t have made a move on one of your exes while you were dating. Who was she really going topless for? I’d bet she’s super jealous of you. As for your husband, I’d be mad that he was out that late and never came back to check on you. Fail on his part.
Another thing I would think of: If it was as “innocent” as she claims it was, why didn’t she go topless on the other two nights when you were there with ur husband?? Why did she only go topless in the bathtub the one night you were sick and had to sit the night out?
Maybe I'm different but I literally would not give a fuck who was topless or whatever. Noone said your husband reacted or did anything. And Noone else husband left. She was trying to enjoy herself and so was everyone else. Although do believe she crossed a boundary. She does sound like a messy friend though. Considering she gets wasted and hits on your previous bf. Idk if I'd call that a BFF or even a friend. She would have had no chance at being my friend after trying to make a move on my bf.
Exactly. I wouldn't give a shit and neither would my wife. A bunch of our friends have seen and continue to see us naked sometimes, even friends of the opposite sex. It's whatever for us. But the betrayal comes from her already proving how shady her ass is. My friends have seen my wife naked, but they don't go around sexualizing her or trying to get with her. We just don't have moral hangups about nudity. The friend is shady and not trustworthy. I would have dropped her ass too from the jump when she tried to fuck OPs bf.
Me reading the title: no. Jeez what a prude! After reading the story: yes yes yes why tf haven’t you smacked her yet?? Also, are you addicted to drama?
I would like to chime in again with another comment. Your husband knew you left sick. Yet he never cared to check on you for more than 5 hours. He never even accompanied you to the room to make sure you were in bed safe. This level of thoughtless and inconsiderate is beyond me. More questions: you said he went with Tina to her room to get more beers . Was she still topless ? Was she topless the whole 5 hours ? Who else was there the entire time ? You can understand that you need to cross check with everyone to get the story straight because I didn't appreciate your husband's convenient "obliviousness"
Yikes. This frenemy situation is headed to that post on reddit about the BFF SA-ing the husband and his wife not believing him at an alarming rate...
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It was a group setting (I think about 5-6 people were there). I think what hurts for me is that my best friend never considered if I was ok with that. I am not against nudity when it is an appropriate time or place and all parties have consented. There was no consent when she took off her top. I will make sure it is clear that it was a group on the post. Edit: spelling
You are justified and you are not overreacting. Tina has a problem - probably insecurity and got topless in an inappropriate setting. Instead of being genuinely contrite, she decided to get the friend group to take sides. I would rethink the friendship. If she acts like that in front of so many people, she would likely hit on your husband 1:1.
OP and Tina both sound so exhausting.
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I've always said that friendships have an expiration date, some will last until you pass away and some don't. Never feel bad for ditching a bad friend. A friend who clearly doesn't respect her friends or even herself (you mentioned her getting drunk all the time ). I don't have patience for people that bring drama to my life. Tina seems to be one of those people. It's time for you to ditch the friendship. As for the husband, he should have left immediately, don't let him get away with his behavior easy either. Good luck. UpdateMe!
And friendships tend to stink once they pass their expiration date!
Sounds like everyone had fun but you. Think about it.
Tina no bueno! Need to get a new bff.
Did you get any more details about why he was wearing a bathrobe from another room? Did he go to Tina’s room after the hot tub?
First, she is not your best friend if she is topless in front of your husband! Seems she wants some action with your husband! Good that he was not alone with her and was truthful. However she is very manipulative- turned done of the group against you. Just cut your losses and end the friendship.
Why are you friends with a homewrecker in the first place?
Oh you’re justified. Outside of very specific situations, It’s weird to get naked around your friend’s romantic patterns. Tina is insecure and seems to value male attention and approval above all else - that’s why she sleeps with married men and takes her top off around her friend’s husbands. Dropping friends like this will make you happier and lead you to find better, deeper, more fulfilling friendships. Your husband choosing to stay in an inappropriate situation is a whole other issue. He had an obligation to you. He broke it. Both he and Tina were in the wrong, but I’d argue he was more wrong as his obligation to you is stronger than hers.
I think i would have waited until home to text her period. To start it while still on vacation together. From the way she sounds.. had to be known she would turn to others it the group to try get support/sympathy from
Okay... but why would you stay friends with someone like that even before this situation with your husband? She's horrible
She was beijg inappropriate. Come on, now. Its perfectly ok to say, " yeah, i would prefer for you to not see my close friend half naked". Why isnt anyone calling her out for being a "PICK ME" girl. FFS, with her married friends husbands.
I won't get into the question of whether you are justified in being angry because I believe it goes without saying that YOU ARE PRETTY MUCH JUSTIFIED after the multiple stunts this Tina pulled . My genuine question is this : what was actually her intent in getting topless in a bathtub with other couples and her friend's husband ? I don't see anything that would render a good enough excuse for someone to do that . Yeah, Tina got to go.
Sure let’s focus on Tina, but where was your husband and which room did the robe come from and do you think anything happened between your husband and Tina
Op, YTA, your husband was going to tell you what went on the night before, and you dismissed him. You could have gone into the day already knowing what had happened, but YOU chose not to. Then you hear about it from Tina, and you suck the life out of this trip. Maybe next time you should kick back and say yes, husband, tell me what happened last night.
Unless she was breastfeeding her baby... No.
You don’t need this in your life, nor does your husband. Cut your losses and move on from this “friend,” who doesn’t sound like much of a friend at all.
1) Just from reading the title; with only the title as context- Yes you’re justified. Unless she took her top off to stop someone’s bleeding or save a baby animal and told him to look away LOL. 2) Okay, you mentioned birthday party. Kind of sounds like maybe people got raunchy here and drunk? So, definitely not saving someone’s life or saving animals- sounds like party behavior. Nope. Nobody gets to show their boobs to other people’s partners just because it’s party time. Especially when we’re not 18. 3) Tina brought up being topless because \*she knows it’s not a conventional and typically socially accepted thing to do.\* She wouldn’t bring up the topic if she didn’t think there was something special about it. So she knew what she did was not conventional; and if she was a good friend, she wouldn’t of just assumed you’d be fine with it. That’s selfish. You’re allowed to have boundaries, and if her not being able to show her boobs in front of your husband’s eyes is you “squashing her freedom,” then I would RUN from her as a friend. 4) The other person who texted you in Tina’s defense is not a good friend either- that’s weird, that she’s making you and Tina’s issues her concern. Especially on a topic so intense and personal. She didn’t even offer support….she judged you instead. Really, really weird. Seems like people are more interested with keeping their "fun and social time" people around themselves; more than they're interesting in truly CONNECTING with their friends, and pushing them to be better/being pushed to be better. Sounds like people who don't know/want to seek out TRULY good friends and get something really genuine out of the connections. 5) Tina’s already made a move on your ex. Again, she is extra-not a true friend. There is a 0.00001% chance that Tina truly didn’t see anything weird about being topless- the truth is Tina didn’t care. I honestly think Tina and that other girl are a huge threat to the maturity and peace in your life.
The insecurity and jellousy of OP is a top level. I can understand the reasons, but its sane…
I read your entire post, everything up until him being in the hot tub with your friends and your friend, being topless, no issue with all of that. If he’s your boyfriend, and they’re your friends, and you drank too much and passed out early, they did nothing wrong, You should’ve been with him, but you passed out so he went to hang out with your friends, and ended up in a hot tub with someone topless. HOWEVER.. when you woke up and called him, and he didn’t pick up the phone, and then he texted you, and didn’t get back to the room for a while, huge red flag….. not OK, and the top it off he has a bathrobe for another room in the hotel? so at worst he was five minutes away, nap him not answering him taking a while to respond, you called him at 2:30 AM and he didn’t get back to the room at 4 AM. Somethings not right, he wasn’t doing something you wanted to be doing.
You're justified if this is a boundary for you. My wife and I don't care about this kind of stuff so I personally wouldn't give a shit. My friends and I have seen each other naked so much it's insane. Ffs my sister stripped butt ass naked in front of my dude bff one night. It was actually so funny because she ran into the room screaming about how much she itched and just ripped off all her clothes and just stood there with her arms and legs spread out so her skin didn't touch itself. Then she walked like that into the shower. It was pretty funny. I have seen my friend's husband naked so often I know his body like my own hand. He has also seen me naked that much as well. Nothing sexual has ever happened between any of us. We just have no issues over nudity, or body conservativism. One of my bff's has a bunch of pictures of my wife's ass so that she can paint a big ass oil painting of it. She likes to paint asses. That being said, it's your boundary that you feel she crossed. If you feel like she has violated that boundary, you're totally justified in your response. However, I would also speak with the other friends and see what they say about everything that happened too. Cover all bases ya know?
You don’t need toxic people like this in your life. I promise they will do nothing but bring you down and also will be destructive. I’ve learned my lesson to stay far far away from these types of people and to notice red flags for what they are when they show up.
Your husband should have left and it looks like Tina has a..ahem..history of dodgy behavior. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I can throw her. But I’d still be on the husband for not leaving, AND being late. What was his excuse for that one?