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It sounds like yall have some bigger issues to unpack here. The fact that he has an issue with masturbation and porn but is engaging in both is hypocritical and inconsiderate of your feelings. It seems like he is projecting. Him ignoring your needs but still expecting bj’s or quickies is also really inconsiderate. Since the miscarriage have both of you sat down and had a candid discussion about your feelings? Other than that maybe considered couples therapy?
You never answered, did anything change after said discussions? If not then you need to get selfish about your needs. Voice them strictly. Do not let him cry his way out of it. He's behaving like a selfish asshole. You need to recognise that and behave accordingly. You can't love him out of this. It has to come from him. He needs to start putting in the work in the bedroom and not lie to you. It sounds like he's explained his kinks and for some reason he doesn't want you to be a part of them. Weird behaviour imo.
actions > words
After he was done crying, what changed?
I don’t mean he should stop watching porn, ethical porn exists and it’s possible to consume it responsibly. What is not healthy is saying that looking at it is cheating and then doing it.
Stop giving him pleasure if you don’t get yours. You can beg him as much as you want, if you keep letting him get away with it, he has absolutely no reason to change.
Couples Counseling? There has to be a way to reach a conclusion w/o your both ending up in tears. Maybe a neutral party can get your husband to really tell what’s going on with him.
Have you busted his ass for “cheating” by his own (ridiculous) definition? Have you busted his ass for being a controlling hypocrite?
Not being allowed to mastrubate without being accused of cheating is extremely unhealthy, and just objectively wrong. Frankly, defining watching porn (not having any interaction with another person) as cheating is also objectively wrong. But he’s defined these rules for you and then committed those “transgressions” himself.
1. He’s obviously a selfish lover. Cut out the BJs until he learns to use his mouth and tongue. 2. Christian upbringing can often cause great confusion for married couples; suddenly sex is wide open, when it was avoided as sinful for so long. 3. I would discuss with him that since you are married, really nothing should be off the table between the two of you, and ask him to try one or more of your fantasies. 4. He may need counseling over the miscarriage and his conflicts over sex, porn and masturbation.
He never will, he clearly sets all the rules but doesn't actually follow them, plus he's also a very selfish lover. Men like this don't open up about their fantasies or porn habits because they're ashamed to share it, and he would never allow himself to look "weak" or be vulnerable with you.
Lesson I learned is that most people who make proclamations do so to discourage others and often reserve those activities for themselves, aka hypocrisy, which is a big problem in the religious community. My husband was raised Mormon and your sex life sounds exactly the same as mine. My spouse prefers maturbating (which is a sin) and thinks even BJs are extreme. When I got with him his idea of sex was laying on our side barely moving. He decided for himself that what he is doing isn't wrong, it's everyone else that is the problem. Religious uprbringings really screws kids up for life. Sadly if his sexuality never properly developed he will revert back to the religious trauma when stress happens.
Wtf what you do with your body (aka masturbation) is your decision and yours alone. That he has the AUDACITY to tell you its cheating is insane. He sounds like a dude straight from the 50s. Gey yourself a satisfyer, pleasure yourself!
I would not make babies with this man. His views on sexuality are controlling and selfish. You cannot masterbate and he won’t please you ? He needs a lot of help to get over his hangups and start becoming an equal partner.
As has been said, he's a textbook porn addict. All the signs are there.
Why are you happy to provide him a quick release with no reciprocation? Stop that. Stop begging! Stop throwing yourself at him. And stop sending him your content! Porn addicts often share or even trade their partner's content - they don't 'use' it because you are not new and novel, they need endless novelty to get the dopamine hits they crave.
This isn't about sharing his fantasies with you, this is about him choosing a secret sex life that doesn't include you and occasionally using your body to get off.
Don't ask him about his fantasies, ask him about his porn use and masturbation habits. Tell him flat out that you are unsatisfied and things are not going to continue as they have been.
Learn about healthy boundaries and set them.
The sub r/loveafterporn has the help and support. There is a resource library with the information you need to understand porn addiction!
Could potentially be a porn addict, where he is opting for porn as opposed to sex with you. This may come from low confidence on his part. It may also be a preference/kink that he is into and isn’t sharing that with you.
Admittedly, as the relationship becomes more long term and stable, sex typically declines which is normal. If you’re not satisfied though you should talk about that with him. You do
Unfortunately, it’s really hard. Triggers for a porn addict are literally every where. I’d been married for a long time and there were a lot of lies and years of no sex or intimacy, so I opted for a divorce. But I’d visit r/loveafterporn and you can see how a lot of us cope. If that’s what you’re dealing with, whether you stay or leave it isn’t going to be easy and I’m really sorry.
With Christians, it's typically a guilt and shame thing. They were taught to hate it and hate themselves for liking it and they feel gross, but do it anyways. You're not going to be able to unpack it, he's going to need a therapist, but he has to *want* to unpack his issues in order to get there.
At the very least, tell him that if he's in the bathroom masturbating to porn, he's giving you permission to do the same and any arguments will be promptly dismissed.
He’s covering up for something here, this kind of behavior is unfair to you and not even fair for you to try to unpack it. He needs therapy to address his hypocrisy and couples therapy would also be a good idea.
Honey, he's a lying hypocrite. And his holy rolling Christianity was just a mask he wears, to presemt to the world. Underneath is a nasty abuser with a huge streak of Narcissist ego and entitlement. He "hates masturbation" because he's been indoctrinated by his upbringing, suuuure.... that's what he says. But what he *does* is sneak porn and wacks off to it. And lies about it. HE WANTS to have you unhappy and begging him for attention and affection and he likes how needy it makes you, how it drives you to jump through all these hoops and keeps you chasing him. He enjoys letting your needs go unmet so you are begging him, literally, for affection and attention... he keeps you starving while he absolutely is masturbating himself to take his own edge off... it's sexual abuse. He's controlling you and using this big patriarchal paradigm as "reasons" but the real reason is he's enjoying his power and control over you. It pleases him to hurt you.
He's getting off on a sexual power exchange dynamic that is a well known kink.... and that you have not consented to.
Don't believe me. Google it for yourself. Start slow... go to Scarleteen.com. and then look for information on "Dominance/submission" and Sadism.
Again, he is forcing you into participating in a kink you have not consented to, that doesn't make you happy, and that he's doing to you for his own sick pleasure. That's rape. It's sexual abuse. You have a monogamous marriage and your "rules" are he is your only source of sexual outlet and gratification and he's choosing to withold himself... that is sexual abuse. Go to your doctor, ask for a therapist who specializes in sexual issues, and go talk to one on your own.
Abuse is not part of the package in "better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health". Marriage counseling with an abuser doesn't work because they do not participate in good faith.
I've pointed out the red flags here. Do your own research.
Maybe he has some trauma around the miscarriage and needs therapy? But also by his definition he’s cheating on you, which I’m surprised you’re not bothered by.
It does bother me, I just don't know how to approach it without him denying or saying I'm spying. Which I'm not. We share the same email and it's connected to Google so his browsing history pops up on my phone
So if he does accuse you of those things could you say that? You didn’t go spying for it, he made it exceptionally easy to come across. If anything it makes me wonder if part of him is doing it on purpose knowing you would see.
Start with therapy, babe. You mentioned things shifted greatly after your miscarriage- an event that would surely alter emotional state. Seek therapy individually and as a couple 🫶🏽
Good luck!!
Sit him down and straight up tell him you know he lied about looking at other women and masterbating is cheating cause he’s doing it my question is why are you listening to him about it if he is doing ot
I’d tell him what you just told us. Heck, just let him read your post. I definitely wouldn’t be giving him oral pleasure if he’s not bothering taking care of your pleasure. Things don’t need to always be 50/50, but they need to balance out somewhere.
People brought up in super religious households are taught to feel shame for anything sexual. Trying to get him to open up about those things will be a long road. You'll need a lot of patience. But keep in mind that he may never feel comfortable sharing those thoughts.
it sounds like your husband is having difficulty reconciling his desires with the image of himself he tries to present to you and the world. That’s likely rooted in fear of social consequences from his religious upbringing. This will likely need therapy.
Also not every single encounter needs to be 50-50 on giving/receiving pleasure. But it should average to that. He should be giving you more and you should give less until he does
If you want him to spill some fantasies or sexual preferences, I would suggest asking him in a naughty way when you are giving him a BJ.
Hopefully this will open up some dialogue even after when the deed is done.
I don’t get how some people think masturbating and watching porn is cheating. I can see someone not liking porn but even as a Christian it’s not that big of a deal to me
Not married but from experience of Christian upbringing and then breaking out if the church, idk if its that I never liked sex or if I'm asexual or what but the purity culture definitely ups the shame for me after. Feels good in the moment, then I have a panic attack because I just feel so gross
And you two just lost a child you were planning to have, maybe he's still dealing with that
Or you know, porn addiction. My dad who is a hypocrite and lowkey fat shames my mom even though she's that "skinny fat" from older age, apparently my older bro has caught him watching porn before
Alot of good advice about what to do. But, a bit of general advice. If he isn't sharing his fantasies. Then let them be his. Somethings are best not to know. Lest you find yourself processing an affinity for midgets with 3 nipples. ( no offense to midgets or the triple nipple gang).
Best of luck.
It seems like he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear. But be careful what you wish for don’t ask questions you really don’t want the answers to. Like what if he opens up to you and he’s into some really depraved shit or into watching nins getting gangbanged and then you think differently of him. Just be really careful you want the these answers.
Shame based on childhood upbringing is a rough obstacle to overcome, but you can get there. He probably sees you in the Madonna way. And you want him to see you in the other way or perhaps both. Go slow. Don’t be afraid to pleasure yourself obviously.
He may be terrified you will get pregnant and miscarry again.
That could be a conscious or unconscious fear that is driving him away from intimacy with you. Which would explain liking pics sent but then acting weird.
But the desire still being there he deals with it other ways.
Talk. Talk. Talk.
Drag it our of him what's going on.
Let him first know no matter what the two of you can and will get thru it together.
He seems confused and guilty regarding what he likes and I’ll guess it conflicts with his religious upbringing. What he says is incongruous with what he does. On top of that the loss from the miscarriage doesn’t seem resolved or that he’s come to terms with it.
This is about being honest with each other. In spite of some suppressed shame and other emotions.
Communication is the hottest catalyst for sex in my experience with a long term partner. For many people that may necessitate a professional therapist. Something is stuck and needs to get unstuck so feelings and emotions can flow back into the relationship.
Love and affinity often arises in the presence of open communication.
I would suggest he journal - might have some shame or ignorance about his wants or needs. Journaling might give him opportunity to reflect on what he wants and your sexual needs
Only addressing what he is looking at online. It's kinda like the good guy and bad boy thing... I am somewhat sexually attracted to certain looks on women who I would almost never be in a relationship with. Doesn't mean I am not sexually attracted to the type I would inherently be in a relationship with, it's just different.
Stop asking for it. Mirror and match his actions. Sounds like you married an emotionally stunted man who is addicted to porn. Start taking care of yourself. Dress up when you go out anywhere. Let him wonder what's going on with you. Masturbate if you have to, but stop showing interest or just doing things to gratify him. He has to feel you are slipping away. If/when he comes around go to therapy. It's a bit of a mess.
3 years may seem like a long time but we were married over 10 years and before we would disclose our most kinkiness to each other without feeling judged.
He's got some deep-rooted issues here. My guess is he likes the things he says he doesn't but then feels guilty because he was always taught they were wrong. Those are things he has to untangle in himself, not you. Therapy for him and probably for you both.
Porn is not good for anyone. I’d go buy yourself some toys and if he finds them, he’ll start to worry. May not get a great reaction from him but why keep your word if he won’t keep his. He’s a dog for that. I’m sorry you’re going through this ):
Men in general, and Christians in particular, have been punished and humiliated each time they have opened about their fantasies.
How will you prove to him that you won't use his confidence against him in the next three years?
It is awesome you want to know how to get him into fantasies with you.
He is hiding his sexual desires because he is worried about how you will view him after hearing his fantasies. They may be extreme, so could you handle that, be honest with yourself. If he is watching porn while hiding it from you, he could be having erection issues he is using porn to compensate. Maybe talk about putting on porn together and doing everything the actors do in the scene you choose at random. It will spice up the bedroom and incorporate fantasy without either of you having to overly talk about what you are willing to try. If you want him to do something in particular, find a video with that act in the description. Then you will be surprised.
It would check a lot of boxes. You 2 are focused on each other and making the porn more of a directional video. It kind of skirts the issues with it being against his religious belief. Ask him to see it like fixing a car, you 2 are simply watching someone else do it and copying them. Not fantasizing about the other woman or man, more about if you 2 can do it like a Tik Tok challenge.
This helped a couple friend of mine who were kind of prudish but needed to have more exploratively sex life after the wife's affair. They had many funny stories about how they played "Porn Roulette", the best story was about how they picked one where they chose who they were in the porn. Then shortly after starting, 2 new people showed up and the 2 people paired off with the new people. So they were staying in their roles and he was air pumping off the side of the bed while she pretended she was on a guy. They both said they haven't laughed during sex so hard in their whole lives.
This is terrible advice for someone who is dealing with this situation with a strict religious upbringing with her partner who is controlling, in a cycle of shame and self hatred, and is sneaking a porn addiction
Your reply is terrible. It gives her no direction, just a giant, "I don't like what he said." That is so dumb, you gave her no help at all, while trying to pretend you are even listening to her situation.
My solution acknowledges he is having a hard time being sexual while dealing with some religious based shame. So it brings his deviation (Porn) into the bedroom and redirects the sexual energy he was spending on porn to his wife. She doesn't get concerned he is using it for the other women factor and he gets to talk to her about what he is watching in secret.
How do you know it is a porn addiction? He could be thinking he is terrible at sex and looking for pointers. He could have some ED which lots of guys try to use porn to assist with. All we know is he isn't communicating with her about what is going on in his head and she isn't talking to him about how her unmet sexual needs are starting to concern her.
Christians are the biggest hypocrites around. Turn on the porn he watches and stream in on your tv. Tell him you know about what he does and you want to be a part of it or this could be the end all to your relationship.
Compromise and attentive. Never stop trying to learn new things about her. Flowers for no reason other than you know she loves flowers. And a lot of hard work.
Finding love is easy. Keeping love takes work.
Is it possible that he thinks his hidden fantasies are things you wouldn't approve of or bumps into your trauma or past hurt? There are things I will never tell my wife because I'm 99.999% sure it would trigger her trauma so I don't even try to approach the topic. I use Duck Duck Go and burn data, rotating IP with VPN, wipe routers, etc.
Sounds like you are obsessed with his likes and dislikes (which he seems to be telling you what is expected than reality). You currently just please him. Now you want to know about his fantasies? Isn't that still about him. Biggest red flag here is you aren't answering anyquestion regarding the outcome of the heart to heart about the miscarriage...
Sounds like you are far too preoccupied by his needs to address serious issues, like him being a selfish hypocrite! How will knowing his fantasies (if you still believe anything he says) help with YOUR pleasure?
This is an odd post
We had a great outcome after the talk. We were both distancing one another and putting blames on ourselves for letting the other person down with the miscarriage. Then we realized the miscarriages was neither one of our faults. We did start communicating more and did start making the changes we both expressed to one another. None of those problems or changes had anything to do with sex. Other than he wants to try anal, which we have been experimenting with. Nothing else was brought up.
Maybe dress the part. Not just vick' secret but hotter junk from the dirty book store. Props if your fantasy requires.
That Is a swag. (silly wild ass guess) but it would work for me.
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It sounds like yall have some bigger issues to unpack here. The fact that he has an issue with masturbation and porn but is engaging in both is hypocritical and inconsiderate of your feelings. It seems like he is projecting. Him ignoring your needs but still expecting bj’s or quickies is also really inconsiderate. Since the miscarriage have both of you sat down and had a candid discussion about your feelings? Other than that maybe considered couples therapy?
We have! We have had 2 big heart to heart discussions that had both of us crying and understanding one another more.
Did something change after those talks? Or are you just continuing on as before?
This is the big question..
You never answered, did anything change after said discussions? If not then you need to get selfish about your needs. Voice them strictly. Do not let him cry his way out of it. He's behaving like a selfish asshole. You need to recognise that and behave accordingly. You can't love him out of this. It has to come from him. He needs to start putting in the work in the bedroom and not lie to you. It sounds like he's explained his kinks and for some reason he doesn't want you to be a part of them. Weird behaviour imo.
And the positive actionable outcome of those conversations was?....
actions > words After he was done crying, what changed? I don’t mean he should stop watching porn, ethical porn exists and it’s possible to consume it responsibly. What is not healthy is saying that looking at it is cheating and then doing it. Stop giving him pleasure if you don’t get yours. You can beg him as much as you want, if you keep letting him get away with it, he has absolutely no reason to change.
Oh you sweet summer child.
If nothing changed, then those talks were not productive. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it
Couples Counseling? There has to be a way to reach a conclusion w/o your both ending up in tears. Maybe a neutral party can get your husband to really tell what’s going on with him.
Have you busted his ass for “cheating” by his own (ridiculous) definition? Have you busted his ass for being a controlling hypocrite? Not being allowed to mastrubate without being accused of cheating is extremely unhealthy, and just objectively wrong. Frankly, defining watching porn (not having any interaction with another person) as cheating is also objectively wrong. But he’s defined these rules for you and then committed those “transgressions” himself.
Yikes what a nightmare... can't even touch your own body without him
1. He’s obviously a selfish lover. Cut out the BJs until he learns to use his mouth and tongue. 2. Christian upbringing can often cause great confusion for married couples; suddenly sex is wide open, when it was avoided as sinful for so long. 3. I would discuss with him that since you are married, really nothing should be off the table between the two of you, and ask him to try one or more of your fantasies. 4. He may need counseling over the miscarriage and his conflicts over sex, porn and masturbation.
Lol, Its always the Christians. Act all holier than but meanwhile back at the ranch. If you want to watch porn at least be honest about it.
Nothings going to get better until he rejects everything about his upbringing and gets therapy. He won’t, so here we are.
Ram ranch
He never will, he clearly sets all the rules but doesn't actually follow them, plus he's also a very selfish lover. Men like this don't open up about their fantasies or porn habits because they're ashamed to share it, and he would never allow himself to look "weak" or be vulnerable with you.
>clearly sets the rules but doesn’t actually follow them Never expected that from a religious person!
A tale as old as time, unfortunately.
Lesson I learned is that most people who make proclamations do so to discourage others and often reserve those activities for themselves, aka hypocrisy, which is a big problem in the religious community. My husband was raised Mormon and your sex life sounds exactly the same as mine. My spouse prefers maturbating (which is a sin) and thinks even BJs are extreme. When I got with him his idea of sex was laying on our side barely moving. He decided for himself that what he is doing isn't wrong, it's everyone else that is the problem. Religious uprbringings really screws kids up for life. Sadly if his sexuality never properly developed he will revert back to the religious trauma when stress happens.
Wtf what you do with your body (aka masturbation) is your decision and yours alone. That he has the AUDACITY to tell you its cheating is insane. He sounds like a dude straight from the 50s. Gey yourself a satisfyer, pleasure yourself!
I would not make babies with this man. His views on sexuality are controlling and selfish. You cannot masterbate and he won’t please you ? He needs a lot of help to get over his hangups and start becoming an equal partner.
As has been said, he's a textbook porn addict. All the signs are there. Why are you happy to provide him a quick release with no reciprocation? Stop that. Stop begging! Stop throwing yourself at him. And stop sending him your content! Porn addicts often share or even trade their partner's content - they don't 'use' it because you are not new and novel, they need endless novelty to get the dopamine hits they crave. This isn't about sharing his fantasies with you, this is about him choosing a secret sex life that doesn't include you and occasionally using your body to get off. Don't ask him about his fantasies, ask him about his porn use and masturbation habits. Tell him flat out that you are unsatisfied and things are not going to continue as they have been. Learn about healthy boundaries and set them. The sub r/loveafterporn has the help and support. There is a resource library with the information you need to understand porn addiction!
Thank you! I will join that group!
Could potentially be a porn addict, where he is opting for porn as opposed to sex with you. This may come from low confidence on his part. It may also be a preference/kink that he is into and isn’t sharing that with you. Admittedly, as the relationship becomes more long term and stable, sex typically declines which is normal. If you’re not satisfied though you should talk about that with him. You do
I could have written the above word for word about my husband, and it was a porn addiction.
Seems to be pretty common now, and much more awareness surrounding it.
How do you help with porn addiction?
YOU don't, unless you happen to be a therapist.
Unfortunately, it’s really hard. Triggers for a porn addict are literally every where. I’d been married for a long time and there were a lot of lies and years of no sex or intimacy, so I opted for a divorce. But I’d visit r/loveafterporn and you can see how a lot of us cope. If that’s what you’re dealing with, whether you stay or leave it isn’t going to be easy and I’m really sorry.
This^
With Christians, it's typically a guilt and shame thing. They were taught to hate it and hate themselves for liking it and they feel gross, but do it anyways. You're not going to be able to unpack it, he's going to need a therapist, but he has to *want* to unpack his issues in order to get there. At the very least, tell him that if he's in the bathroom masturbating to porn, he's giving you permission to do the same and any arguments will be promptly dismissed.
So he said porn Is cheating yet he watches It? So, he's Just cheating on you by his own standards. Also, no bj to him untill he gives back
He’s covering up for something here, this kind of behavior is unfair to you and not even fair for you to try to unpack it. He needs therapy to address his hypocrisy and couples therapy would also be a good idea.
Honey, he's a lying hypocrite. And his holy rolling Christianity was just a mask he wears, to presemt to the world. Underneath is a nasty abuser with a huge streak of Narcissist ego and entitlement. He "hates masturbation" because he's been indoctrinated by his upbringing, suuuure.... that's what he says. But what he *does* is sneak porn and wacks off to it. And lies about it. HE WANTS to have you unhappy and begging him for attention and affection and he likes how needy it makes you, how it drives you to jump through all these hoops and keeps you chasing him. He enjoys letting your needs go unmet so you are begging him, literally, for affection and attention... he keeps you starving while he absolutely is masturbating himself to take his own edge off... it's sexual abuse. He's controlling you and using this big patriarchal paradigm as "reasons" but the real reason is he's enjoying his power and control over you. It pleases him to hurt you. He's getting off on a sexual power exchange dynamic that is a well known kink.... and that you have not consented to. Don't believe me. Google it for yourself. Start slow... go to Scarleteen.com. and then look for information on "Dominance/submission" and Sadism. Again, he is forcing you into participating in a kink you have not consented to, that doesn't make you happy, and that he's doing to you for his own sick pleasure. That's rape. It's sexual abuse. You have a monogamous marriage and your "rules" are he is your only source of sexual outlet and gratification and he's choosing to withold himself... that is sexual abuse. Go to your doctor, ask for a therapist who specializes in sexual issues, and go talk to one on your own. Abuse is not part of the package in "better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health". Marriage counseling with an abuser doesn't work because they do not participate in good faith. I've pointed out the red flags here. Do your own research.
Maybe he has some trauma around the miscarriage and needs therapy? But also by his definition he’s cheating on you, which I’m surprised you’re not bothered by.
It does bother me, I just don't know how to approach it without him denying or saying I'm spying. Which I'm not. We share the same email and it's connected to Google so his browsing history pops up on my phone
So if he does accuse you of those things could you say that? You didn’t go spying for it, he made it exceptionally easy to come across. If anything it makes me wonder if part of him is doing it on purpose knowing you would see.
Start with therapy, babe. You mentioned things shifted greatly after your miscarriage- an event that would surely alter emotional state. Seek therapy individually and as a couple 🫶🏽 Good luck!!
Tell him yours first!
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Why not? I find dark haired people more attractive (sorry to all the blondes; you’re still lovely people! lol). There’s something called preference.
He sounds incredibly selfish and insecure. Someone like that isn’t going to change no matter what you do because _you’re_ not the problem, he is
Sit him down and straight up tell him you know he lied about looking at other women and masterbating is cheating cause he’s doing it my question is why are you listening to him about it if he is doing ot
I’d tell him what you just told us. Heck, just let him read your post. I definitely wouldn’t be giving him oral pleasure if he’s not bothering taking care of your pleasure. Things don’t need to always be 50/50, but they need to balance out somewhere.
He seems a bit selfish
People brought up in super religious households are taught to feel shame for anything sexual. Trying to get him to open up about those things will be a long road. You'll need a lot of patience. But keep in mind that he may never feel comfortable sharing those thoughts.
Why would you ever give a man a BJ because he wants a "quicky" omg. How much more selfish can a man get?
Why are women with these uptight puritanical men?
Get couple counseling that specializes in improving your communication skills before it’s too late!
it sounds like your husband is having difficulty reconciling his desires with the image of himself he tries to present to you and the world. That’s likely rooted in fear of social consequences from his religious upbringing. This will likely need therapy. Also not every single encounter needs to be 50-50 on giving/receiving pleasure. But it should average to that. He should be giving you more and you should give less until he does
If you want him to spill some fantasies or sexual preferences, I would suggest asking him in a naughty way when you are giving him a BJ. Hopefully this will open up some dialogue even after when the deed is done.
I don’t get how some people think masturbating and watching porn is cheating. I can see someone not liking porn but even as a Christian it’s not that big of a deal to me
Don't ask. You might not like the answer.
Not married but from experience of Christian upbringing and then breaking out if the church, idk if its that I never liked sex or if I'm asexual or what but the purity culture definitely ups the shame for me after. Feels good in the moment, then I have a panic attack because I just feel so gross And you two just lost a child you were planning to have, maybe he's still dealing with that Or you know, porn addiction. My dad who is a hypocrite and lowkey fat shames my mom even though she's that "skinny fat" from older age, apparently my older bro has caught him watching porn before
Alot of good advice about what to do. But, a bit of general advice. If he isn't sharing his fantasies. Then let them be his. Somethings are best not to know. Lest you find yourself processing an affinity for midgets with 3 nipples. ( no offense to midgets or the triple nipple gang). Best of luck.
It seems like he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear. But be careful what you wish for don’t ask questions you really don’t want the answers to. Like what if he opens up to you and he’s into some really depraved shit or into watching nins getting gangbanged and then you think differently of him. Just be really careful you want the these answers.
Shame based on childhood upbringing is a rough obstacle to overcome, but you can get there. He probably sees you in the Madonna way. And you want him to see you in the other way or perhaps both. Go slow. Don’t be afraid to pleasure yourself obviously.
He may be terrified you will get pregnant and miscarry again. That could be a conscious or unconscious fear that is driving him away from intimacy with you. Which would explain liking pics sent but then acting weird. But the desire still being there he deals with it other ways. Talk. Talk. Talk. Drag it our of him what's going on. Let him first know no matter what the two of you can and will get thru it together.
He seems confused and guilty regarding what he likes and I’ll guess it conflicts with his religious upbringing. What he says is incongruous with what he does. On top of that the loss from the miscarriage doesn’t seem resolved or that he’s come to terms with it. This is about being honest with each other. In spite of some suppressed shame and other emotions. Communication is the hottest catalyst for sex in my experience with a long term partner. For many people that may necessitate a professional therapist. Something is stuck and needs to get unstuck so feelings and emotions can flow back into the relationship. Love and affinity often arises in the presence of open communication.
I would suggest he journal - might have some shame or ignorance about his wants or needs. Journaling might give him opportunity to reflect on what he wants and your sexual needs
They have intimacy therapists. Maybe that might help?
Only addressing what he is looking at online. It's kinda like the good guy and bad boy thing... I am somewhat sexually attracted to certain looks on women who I would almost never be in a relationship with. Doesn't mean I am not sexually attracted to the type I would inherently be in a relationship with, it's just different.
Somewhat unrelated, but the book Hormone Intelligence by Aviva Romm is phenomenal and might help you get pregnant again, if that’s something you want.
Stop asking for it. Mirror and match his actions. Sounds like you married an emotionally stunted man who is addicted to porn. Start taking care of yourself. Dress up when you go out anywhere. Let him wonder what's going on with you. Masturbate if you have to, but stop showing interest or just doing things to gratify him. He has to feel you are slipping away. If/when he comes around go to therapy. It's a bit of a mess.
3 years may seem like a long time but we were married over 10 years and before we would disclose our most kinkiness to each other without feeling judged.
He's got some deep-rooted issues here. My guess is he likes the things he says he doesn't but then feels guilty because he was always taught they were wrong. Those are things he has to untangle in himself, not you. Therapy for him and probably for you both.
Porn is not good for anyone. I’d go buy yourself some toys and if he finds them, he’ll start to worry. May not get a great reaction from him but why keep your word if he won’t keep his. He’s a dog for that. I’m sorry you’re going through this ):
Men in general, and Christians in particular, have been punished and humiliated each time they have opened about their fantasies. How will you prove to him that you won't use his confidence against him in the next three years?
Religion poisons everything
Have you tried turning him on and being romantic? Perhaps some intimacy, cuddling and flirting would help?
Always, he's not into it sometimes
It is awesome you want to know how to get him into fantasies with you. He is hiding his sexual desires because he is worried about how you will view him after hearing his fantasies. They may be extreme, so could you handle that, be honest with yourself. If he is watching porn while hiding it from you, he could be having erection issues he is using porn to compensate. Maybe talk about putting on porn together and doing everything the actors do in the scene you choose at random. It will spice up the bedroom and incorporate fantasy without either of you having to overly talk about what you are willing to try. If you want him to do something in particular, find a video with that act in the description. Then you will be surprised. It would check a lot of boxes. You 2 are focused on each other and making the porn more of a directional video. It kind of skirts the issues with it being against his religious belief. Ask him to see it like fixing a car, you 2 are simply watching someone else do it and copying them. Not fantasizing about the other woman or man, more about if you 2 can do it like a Tik Tok challenge. This helped a couple friend of mine who were kind of prudish but needed to have more exploratively sex life after the wife's affair. They had many funny stories about how they played "Porn Roulette", the best story was about how they picked one where they chose who they were in the porn. Then shortly after starting, 2 new people showed up and the 2 people paired off with the new people. So they were staying in their roles and he was air pumping off the side of the bed while she pretended she was on a guy. They both said they haven't laughed during sex so hard in their whole lives.
This is terrible advice for someone who is dealing with this situation with a strict religious upbringing with her partner who is controlling, in a cycle of shame and self hatred, and is sneaking a porn addiction
Your reply is terrible. It gives her no direction, just a giant, "I don't like what he said." That is so dumb, you gave her no help at all, while trying to pretend you are even listening to her situation. My solution acknowledges he is having a hard time being sexual while dealing with some religious based shame. So it brings his deviation (Porn) into the bedroom and redirects the sexual energy he was spending on porn to his wife. She doesn't get concerned he is using it for the other women factor and he gets to talk to her about what he is watching in secret. How do you know it is a porn addiction? He could be thinking he is terrible at sex and looking for pointers. He could have some ED which lots of guys try to use porn to assist with. All we know is he isn't communicating with her about what is going on in his head and she isn't talking to him about how her unmet sexual needs are starting to concern her.
Christians are the biggest hypocrites around. Turn on the porn he watches and stream in on your tv. Tell him you know about what he does and you want to be a part of it or this could be the end all to your relationship.
Compromise and attentive. Never stop trying to learn new things about her. Flowers for no reason other than you know she loves flowers. And a lot of hard work. Finding love is easy. Keeping love takes work.
Careful what you wish for😂
Is it possible that he thinks his hidden fantasies are things you wouldn't approve of or bumps into your trauma or past hurt? There are things I will never tell my wife because I'm 99.999% sure it would trigger her trauma so I don't even try to approach the topic. I use Duck Duck Go and burn data, rotating IP with VPN, wipe routers, etc.
Sounds like you are obsessed with his likes and dislikes (which he seems to be telling you what is expected than reality). You currently just please him. Now you want to know about his fantasies? Isn't that still about him. Biggest red flag here is you aren't answering anyquestion regarding the outcome of the heart to heart about the miscarriage... Sounds like you are far too preoccupied by his needs to address serious issues, like him being a selfish hypocrite! How will knowing his fantasies (if you still believe anything he says) help with YOUR pleasure? This is an odd post
We had a great outcome after the talk. We were both distancing one another and putting blames on ourselves for letting the other person down with the miscarriage. Then we realized the miscarriages was neither one of our faults. We did start communicating more and did start making the changes we both expressed to one another. None of those problems or changes had anything to do with sex. Other than he wants to try anal, which we have been experimenting with. Nothing else was brought up.
Maybe dress the part. Not just vick' secret but hotter junk from the dirty book store. Props if your fantasy requires. That Is a swag. (silly wild ass guess) but it would work for me.