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I might get downvoted to shit but idc. Your kids don’t need to be meeting your boyfriend of one week much less having their privates exposed to them especially while you’re not around.
And who the fuck wants to change and possibly get some baby’s stench on their BED🤢 dude baby’s smell all of this is really scary to me I’m sorry this even happened so glad she stuck by her intuition
Yeah I'm sorry but adults don't start referring to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend this fast unless they're still very young which makes me wonder how old OP is and if this guy is actually way older than her also...
And they wriggle and try to get up mid change.
OP if your warning bell is going off please listen. No matter how you feel does not trump if you’re sensing something isn’t right. Always trust your gut. Always.
This situation really sucks. I read the post and instantly came up with 1000 reasons this could be totally innocent. Then I started reading the comments and said “fuck, they are right”. And it sucks that we live in an age where it has to be that way.
I was that guy when I was younger, I would have offered and insisted because I cared about the women and figured she might want a moments peace while she did her business. I would have thought that it showed I was not scared off by her child and I was willing to help and care for the kid. But I have been the victim of good intentions many times in my life. Which leads to comments like this where I feel I have to explain myself so people can see things from my point of view.
But in the end, OP is right to be suspicious and it’s good that she is looking out for these things. I am just lamenting about how people need to be suspicious today and good natured people are often scrutinized for trying to do what they feel is the right thing.
I know, it sucks when your good intentions are misused, but for fairness, it's not that you have to be careful 'today', parents should have been careful this whole time. Predators aren't a new thing, we're just finally learning from our mistakes. Don't lament ignorance, today you know a little better, and if this situation presented itself to you now you could still be a nice guy and offer help, and if they refuse you say, "cool" and let it go.
My real issue with this situation is when people don't take 'no' for an answer. If he had let it drop after she said no the first time, no big deal! But when someone keeps pushing to 'help'... not super helpful is it? And again, maybe just a helpful person, but for me that would be a discussion of "hey man, I appreciate the offer, but no means no, even if you're 'being helpful'. It's disrespectful to keep pushing someone who has told you no. Period."
We appreciate you, truly. Offering is wonderful, *insisting* is too far.
We, as a society, *need* men who want to be involved with kids, but it's hard to balance that with safety.
As a widowed mom, I'll *beg* every guy reading this to sign up with Big Brothers, Big Sisters- they don't have nearly enough mentors for the kids. They'll pay for your background check and they care about Mentor safety as well as child safety. We need you guys, kids all over the country need good men around.
Good pts, however child sexual abuse is no more an issue "today" or "in this age" than rape or domestic violence is limited to the present. These problems have been around as long as humans have. It's just that now we have greater awareness of it & the language for addressing it, which is a good thing.
Yeah I wouldn’t wanna change the diaper of a child of a guy I’m dating. The only time I would would be if we were married and that child was my stepchild.
I’d offer to do it but I’m good with babies and happy to help parents out. That being said, I’d never keep pushing to do it after a parent declined because I understand if they want to reiterate that hygiene/changing tasks are only for close family members.
And they target single moms, who they expect to be overwhelmed by childcare, by being helpful and gaining your trust. I have six kids and would never let them meet anyone until it’s serious, or allow a strange man to change their diapers-ever.
It's the reason I didn't date after my husband died. My kids were 1 and 4. I knew they would be vulnerable. I and my sister were molested by our first stepfather when we were 7 and 5. Wonderful, friendly, well-respected businessman and deacon of his church. Love bombed my mom and us with lots of material things. The predators love to find single moms. They also can become the family friend who become aunt or uncle so-and-so which means you still have to be careful who you leave your kids with.
I'm not Mom, but yes please single moms and dads know predators LOOK to take advantage of your vulnerable situation.
I saw the Netflix documentary "Girl in the Picture" and it was about this. It's diabolical how the predator came off as charming, helpful, reliable, "SAFE"?!, etc. It was all so he could target the single mom's three daughters. The predator kidnapped the oldest daughter when she was 6 years old and raised her. He did unspeakable things to this girl, which I won't go into detail here. She was eventually killed by him at 20 years old.
This is why I am single and will remain so for the foreseeable future. The kids father and I split when our youngest were 2 years old, they’re 8 now and I’m still scared someone with bad intentions will try to take advantage. It’s too risky and I’m not the best judge of character sometimes so I’d rather not take the chance.
Yea a baby and a new boyfriend just have no business being alone. Unfortunately I had a tragedy happen in my family a long time ago and my cousins boyfriend unalived her baby when he was left alone with her. I’m just super paranoid now
Terminology matters so much in abuse situations. Which reminds me- never use cutesy terms or euphemisms for genitalia with your kids. It's too easy to hide abuse when your kid can't say "vagina" and "penis".
100%. And I agree with people saying that serious subjects can be very hard, even traumatic, to discuss, but it's incredibly important to make whatever extra efforts it takes to discuss them.
That reminds me of a situation that happened a couple of miles from where I live where a woman's bf shook & battered her toddler, while 'watching' her, eventually causing its death. That was one of the first cases in public news of bf's doing that to their gf's kids. It was many years ago but that news really stuck out to me.
Yup. I’m a firm believer in keeping kids and new relationships separate until one is certain it is going to be a long term committed relationship. Like 6-12 months MINIMUM.
There is nothing strange about offering to change a diaper. However, INSISTING after she declined is weird af. Bringing it up AGAIN is straight up CREEPY.
People are protective and sensitive about their kids. He has a kid and doesn’t understand this?
Exactly. It's alarming that 1) he doesn't understand that moms don't want to leave their babies with men they've only dated for a week, 2) he doesn't realize that he's putting *himself* in a dicey situation where he could end up falsely accused, 3) he can't take no for an answer, which is a red flag in any context, but here?
He can't figure out why the mom is not OK with handing over her baby to him, and pushes back at no after no? Ick. Danger signs everywhere.
Number 3 is what got me. OK he offered and had good intentions (let's say for now) and was trying to be The Good Guy. Once she declined he should have said "OK, let me know if you need a towel or if you have a changing pad" and left it alone. She's a single mom of a 9mo I'm pretty sure she's changed a diaper alone in various situations and has it under control.
I admittedly get easily annoyed with pushy people (I accept help readily so if I say "no thank you" I mean it lol) so that alone would have bugged me.
This should be upvoted to the heavens! It's Single Mom 101 information - kids don't meet your dates! Not until and unless the relationship is getting serious and the guy has been vetted.
Period.
No exceptions.
My SIL has brought like 5 different "the ones" into her daughter's life within weeks of knowing them. One of them three separate times after they breakup for a year and get back together. Needless to say, the daughter has enormous emotional issues. As far as I'm concerned it's straight up child abuse.
I’m not a parent so it’s easy for me to judge but with children so young why are you even prioritizing dating? Shouldn’t your focus be on raising your child?? When they’re older I understand but if you have an infant??? Bringing randos around your baby is fucking bizarre to me. (Obv I mean ‘you’ in general, not literally you lol)
THANK YOU THIS WAS MY POINT TOO. Like im sorry but if you are literally having to be with your child at all times because they are less than a freaking year old and you don’t have anyone else to help you, how in the world can you even rationalize taking any portion of your time away from your child to pursue a romantic relationship?
Your kid is freaking nine months old. I’m sorry, I know parents are people too, and this is going to sound very mean- but you can wait to get your rocks off.
You have an infant child, and until you no longer have to worry about things like infant sudden death syndrome or a mild fever literally causing their undeveloped immune system to give out and leave them with brain damage, your number one responsibility is that freaking baby.
Keeping them breathing is an around the clock job that comes before work, personal success, and your own romantic desires.
Single parenting 101 tbh. Kids need stability and you need to be very intentional about the people you bring into your children’s lives because a bad breakup can mess with their ability to form interpersonal and romantic attachments.
It's not about the bad break up as much as its that kids form attachments very easily to the people around them. When a 'surrogate parent' is around they attach and they go through the break up too.
My mom dated men like that. We were molested by several of her boyfriends. They knew she was a single mother and came running. When I was dating as a single mother, I didn't disclose right away that I was a mother because I didn't want to attract predators, but everybody will tell you that is a vile thing to do, as I should know that nobody wants to date a single mother. This is a common enough discussion on reddit and I get downvoted into oblivion if I say that I'd rather not share right away that I'm a mother. I'd rather get ghosted by a million dudes after they find out I'm a mother than date the dudes that line up for single moms 🤷🏼♀️
Exactly this. I got downvoted to hell for commenting this on the Love is Blind subreddit. Saying I was advocating for women to “trick men” Nope, just trying to make sure kids don’t get abused.
Considering the responses in this thread about how she should feel bad for saying no and should assume he has innocent motives I understand how it happens 🙄
Agree it's way too soon for them to meet. On the specific situation, I'd have been willing to believe the *first* offer was genuinely an attempt to be helpful. To continue to insist after being told no thanks is about 800 red flags. Either dude is a creeper wanting access to the child, he's controlling and testing boundaries around what he can convince/make OP do, or he's seeing himself fitting into the dad slot and pushing the relationship way too fast. Any of those are problematic for various reasons and to various degrees. I'd hit the brakes hard.
This is my first reaction too. The insistence on changing on being told no is weird, and it’s great that it’s triggering a protective instinct, but the child never should have been in that position to start with. I say that as someone remarried to someone else with kids.
Even if we gave him the benefit of the doubt in being sincerely helpful, the fact that HE doesn’t recognize his insistence being a red flag is another red flag. Reasonable adults should understand why this was a weird offer to begin with, ESPECIALLY because he’s a parent. So even if his had the best of intentions, someone who doesn’t recognize how personal and potentially problematic that is would not have the same standards for protecting my child (or their own) as I do, and that’s another type of red flag.
I’m weird about bedrooms too. I don’t want anyone lounging in my bed with my child. Especially if the child can’t speak. A baby and a new bf just have no business being alone.
this.
idc if he was tryna be helpful. he may have had the best intentions and was just tryna be considerate and helpful. if this is the case, amazing, great, we love to see it. still a no tho. my child does not need to be left alone with any adult who isn’t their parent or a trusted caregiver
This is the only answer. If you can’t prioritize your baby over your dating life, why are you a parent? I would be livid if I was the other parent and found out they were doing this with my child.
Yea I don’t even give out my phone number. So much information is tied to that. I know people shit on Snapchat but I love it. If someone gets weird I can block them and never see them again. On other socials they can stall you via your friends.
Knowing of someone and knowing someone are two different things. They only saw each other occasionally when they’d bump into each other. He didn’t even know that she wasn’t with the baby’s dad for 7 months of the baby’s 9 months. It sounds like they were acquaintances at best. And they’ve only been talking for 1 month. She does not know that man.
They have not “apparently known each other for years“. She said they have “known OF each other for years“. I’ve known of neighbours for years but know absolutely nothing about them. That’s a huge difference.
I know a woman who knew her husband for 15 years before she married him. He still SA’d her 13 year old daughter the first time he was left alone with her.
You never know who might be a predator.
They’ve been friends for years and he’s met her daughter multiple times prior when they were just friends. I’m not sure what’s weird about this interaction.
She said they’ve “known **of** each other for over” two or three years; that’s absolutely not the same as “being friends.” She’s known this dude properly for a month.
Where did you get this from? The post says they’ve known OF each other for a few years. That doesn’t sound as if they’re friends. And also, most children are assaulted by family members and people they know/trust
ETA: not only does it say “known OF each other” but also “recently started to talk properly” which doesn’t sound like people who have been friends for years
It's not weird for him to offer, as one parent to another. But it's incredibly weird for him to insist after you said 'no'.
He either has sinister motives or is so fucking clueless about how you should respect boundaries that it doesn't make much difference.
Idk I kinda feel like saying “no really it’s ok, I don’t mind and I know what I’m doing,” is actually a pretty normal response to a single parent who maybe isn’t used to accepting help. If she still said no and he made a big deal after that, I’d call it a red flag. But to me this just reads as him trying to show her he can be a helpful/supportive partner for her and her baby. I realize he’s a bf of just 1 week but I’m assuming there’s a longer period of knowing one another there, otherwise I can’t imagine OP would have her daughter around him (or be calling someone she’s only known for a week her boyfriend).
She said “She’s known OF him for 2/3 years.” She really didn’t know him. They’ve only been getting acquainted in this 1 month. Her baby shouldn’t have even been around him yet.
Yeah, I read the post. Saying “no really it’s ok, I’ve got her so go ahead and go to the bathroom and leave her with me,” is not necessarily a creepy thing. I’ve said it to my sister and cousins and friends about their babies when they obviously needed a break but were afraid to impose on me. By repeating myself to them I obviously wasn’t trying to do anything inappropriate, I was just reassuring anxious moms who I cared about that I really didn’t mind and it really was okay for them to take a few minutes for themselves and I’d be happy to watch their baby for them for that brief period. But sometimes, especially for first time moms, and even more especially for single moms who are so used to having to do everything by themselves, it takes a bit of repeating and encouraging. OP hasn’t given any other reason to think this guy is off or a creep, and I think that also matters. It’s a very difficult tightrope to walk trying to be supportive of a new parent and especially of a single parent, and to reassure them that you really do mean it when you offer help/support, but without overstepping any boundaries. That’s a totally normal thing to sort out at the beginning of a new relationship.
Yeah I don't read this as particularly sinister, maybe he misread the situation thinking she was trying to not be imposing. He needs to take no as an answer but it sounds like someone who has been a single parent trying to give another single parent a break when they may not ask for one.
He “encouraged” her to leave the room because she actively had to go to the bathroom…
Idk this guy’s intentions. He could just be really oblivious. He could be nefarious. I don’t think your point about “encouraging” her to leave the room is a red flag in this situation though when that’s like kinda the whole problem here. She was already leaving the room because she had to go to the bathroom.
Right. People are painting it out like dude was sitting there just randomly like demanding to be left alone in a room with the daughter and to change her diaper, and that’s not at all what OP has described happening here.
It almost seems like they are hinting he is some sort of child predator trying to get the child alone.
The most likely answer here is that he has perhaps liked her for a while and finally got his chance and now they are together and he was trying to show her he is good with kids. He overcompensated by continuing to insist, but I don't think it's necessarily weird for him to offer. OP seems to think anyone but the parent changing the baby is weird. I disagree. Not to say strangers should do it, but I'm sure a lot of grandparents have changed their grandkids diapers. I'm sure aunts and uncles have changed their nieces and nephews diapers too.
Yeah, like… I’m a liiiittle on the fence about it? Like if there was something in the *exact* phrasing that could have been weird, it could be concerning. And if she’s getting concerning vibes\*, that could be worth considering too.
At the same time, I can absolutely see something like this playing out completely innocently. You know, “I could take her to the bed and change her while you go to the bathroom if you want,” “oh no it’s okay,” “are you sure? I don’t mind helping.” “Yeah, she’ll probably cry anyway if I leave her.” “Fair enough, I know what that’s like. I have a son too, so I’ve changed a few diapers in my time. So, it doesn’t bother me any, I don’t mind.” (That last part could even be backing off/more of a “for the future” thing taken as pushing again, in some situations.)
**That was obviously a highly fictionalized and generous depiction,** for what it’s worth, and more of a “I could see myself doing it this way with completely innocent intentions” thing, I hope that makes sense? I’m not trying to predict how he actually phrased it—I’m just a writer and sometimes writer brain comes online at random times smh—just a way I could see it being said but coming across like he was pushing. But also yeah, it’s not weird or wrong for someone not the parents to change the child’s diaper(I mean… babysitters?? Daycare??), as long as they’ve gotten the OK from a parent at least lol. So that part wouldn’t worry me.
\*(And all that being said, if she’s getting uncomfortable vibes about it… I would never tell a momma not to listen to that feeling. Maybe to take the cautious approach first - I know post partum hormones and also new mother feelings and such can skew feelings a little at first. I am *not at all* saying I think it’s just hormones/new mother paranoia; just not to react with it and make decisions immediately, and get a little more info first. The thinking only parents should change them could also influence the perception too tho. Just things to keep in mind.)
It was 3 times. And I'm with the other guy on this, he asked once as "hey I'll help" and a second as a "no I truly do want to help I wasn't just being polite I meant I'm willing to help" and then the third as "just in case she's worried that I'm not competent I'll remind her I have a son and know what I'm doing". I didn't feel this was a weird interaction. I feel it's more a protective mother and an internet full of people with skewed internet feelings
Really depends on how he asked/tone etc. I think it was just trying to be polite and give a break to OP but who knows how exactly he insisted (i would assune as you described it)
>and also encouraged her to leave the room while he did it.
Well, she can't piss in the bedroom floor.
Idk where you piss in your house, but it's generally frowned upon to go anywhere other than the toilet.
Changing a child on the bed is a lot easier than the bathroom floor. He'd know this, being a parent himself.
Depends on the culture is perfectly normal to insist at least 3 times when you offer to do something. Usually it’s to make the other person feel like you actually want to do something for them and it’s not out of obligation.
Dude asked 2 times. Op wanted to use the bathroom so a normal person would think why keep a baby on the bathroom floor or in your lap since I can help them.
If we want to talk about red flags, op who only have been dating this man for a week and allows contact with her baby is a much better choice
I mean, OP has known him for 2-3 years, they've only been dating for a week. If this is someone she *just* met and had only been seeing for a week, that would have massive red flags on it.
Regardless of culture, the guy has a son and has clearly changed diapers before, and probably wants to prove to his new GF how he can be a reliable step dad to her daughter. Sure a bit heavy handed for week 1, but unless there is any other reason to suspect anything else, this really just sounds like a guy trying to impress a girl/mom.
I agree. It’s not like he was badgering op to do it. He asked two times and only because she wanted to do it in the bathroom. Maybe there is no room in the bathroom and she was going to do it on the floor?
This was my take. I experienced significant, repeated csa, it read to me dude was more trying to prove he can take care of the kid for a few minutes. I’ve seen it with my youngest with his son. He repeatedly had to explain he can care for his own child to the mother before she’d let him alone with his own biological offspring. If dude had a similar experience with his bm, it would make sense if he was a bit insistent before he just shrugged it off.
Or he is a typical dude and didn't realize the potential "predatory sign" she may have been picking up. I wouldn't trust someone that new either but I would have clarified why I didn't feel comfortable that soon "I really appreciate the offer and I feel you are competent as a fellow parent but this is very new so the trust isn't quite there yet". After I trust someone then I would allow that person to help with my kids with boundaries of course, both of my kids were out of diapers before seriously saying anyone so this situation wasn't a thing but i have a long term partner that is not their biological father that does things for my kids that I wouldn't trust them to do if we had only been dating for a week or so (like help them change into pajamas, make food when there are allergies involved, etc)
I understand the potential predatory behavior but I feel like his behavior after that day are more indicative, if he keeps showing signs in the next few weeks then you made the right choice by protecting your child but if there are no other signs and you continue the relationship and he earns your trust over the next 6 months with no other signs then you were just being over protective due to not really knowing the guy by week 1.
Even as a woman who loooooovvvessss kids and is happy to help, I’d immediately take a ‘no’ on something like this. There are things that you don’t insist on. It’s not anything you need to be explicitly taught. You can offer to help someone’s child with something sensitive without it being weird. You don’t push back if they decline. That’s fucking weird.
You can do the whole ‘no no it’s ok, I insist’ dance with a lot of tasks but something like changing somebody’s kid isn’t one.
I feel like a 32 year old man should know, and respect, that “No.” is a complete sentence—no further clarification needed. OP was in the midst of needing to use the restroom herself and take care of her infant’s needs—“no” was plenty sufficient for answer without her needing to pause to explain her answer. Even if he was just clueless and meant well, still a red flag that he didn’t respect her answer of “no” multiple times. but tbh, his insistence is creepy/unsettling, in my opinion.
OP should trust her gut response here.
I'm definitely not saying don't trust her gut here.
But given the boyfriend mentioned, I'm a dad. I know what I'm doing.. makes me think that he might believe she said no due to his inability to change a diaper.
It sounds to me like he was just trying to reaffirm that he was capable. If she was clear about why she said no.. and then he insisted THAT would be a red flag to me.
I don't think not accepting no straight away is necessarily a bad thing. He might have thought she was trying to be polite... So insisted so she had another opportunity to accept the help.
Not saying this is the case but there are reasons with good intent that someone may insist after the first no.
He may be trying EXTRA hard to due to the newness and desire to impress. I agree with others that he was probably trying to get past the polite “oh I’ll just do it” and ‘go the extra mile’ to try to be like “no really I don’t mind, I know what I’m doing!”
It's absolutely possible. She can't afford to take that chance with her child's welfare. When kids are abused, and the other parent feigns ignorance, there are always incidents and signs they SHOULD have noticed, not because they were a 100% smoking gun confirmation, but because parents need to err on the side of caution with adults displaying uncomfortable and inappropriate behavior with their children.
Maybe its a boundary issue on my side then because I am very maternal and I have offered to change many diapers of children I barely knew and many friends (regardless of how new the friendship) have taken me up on the offer so that they could get a break. Same with feeding bottles and burping, if they say "no that's ok I can do it" I usually reply with "are you sure? I really don't mind, I miss the baby stage but if you're not comfortable I completely understand"
I am not predatory and I don't try to insist but I do like to offer help where I can and the baby stage has always been my favorite. My partner prefers the more independent years to the baby stage so he wouldn't offer to change a diaper even if he knew a child and their parent well but if someone asked him to help he would.
I understand OPs reaction, and I understand that "no" is a full sentence, but it's not fair to accuse someone of being a predator based on such a small amount of time and details. If he has shown any other signs I'm sure she would have mentioned them in the post/wouldn't have posted because the relationship was over.
It's not assuming he's a predator, it's being on guard so her child ISN'T ever preyed upon. It is almost always someone known to the child/family that abuses a child.
Being equaltarian or whatever is great, but not more important than protecting her baby. Many parents don't even introduce partners to their kids until its been a while of dating-so many horror stories out there, why would anyone risk it? Some people go for parents of young children to get at those children.
I'm not saying he is that kind of monster-I'm saying it would be negligent and naive to allow him unsupervised access to her baby so early in this relationship.
That’s a suuuper harsh take. I read it more as he was worried she thought he’d do a bad job and wanted to prove himself and insist he knew what he was doing and could be helpful to her.
Yeah that’s the thing. It isn’t weird at all for somebody else to change a babies diaper when given permission. But keep on insisting is too weird.
I do think he was really trying to help but the insisting is just really really weird. One no should be enough in any situation.
Always trust your instincts. There is absolutely nothing alarming about someone offering to change a baby's diaper. What is sus is that he kept insisting and saying it again and again after you said no. Nope. NOPE.
I think maybe he was trying to show he doesn’t mind getting “stuck in” so to speak, and doing the shitty jobs that come with a baby. But it just feels a bit off to me
Words are one part of an interaction. There is body language, tone of voice, facial expression. If there was something you felt was off, trust that. Often us women feel something is sketchy and try to ignore it because we just can’t put into words what we picked up on. I just say I was picking up “vibes”. It isn’t a court room. You don’t need definitive, irrefutable evidence. You need to unapologetically trust your gut and do whatever you feel is right in the moment. I think you did the right thing in this instance. Whether it was his intentions with your child or him being too pushy to get what he wants, doesn’t matter if you don’t want him changing your baby at any given time for any reason.
That may be the case but it still shows a real cluelessness about boundaries around kids. I'm a father and I would never offer to change another kid's diaper because I appreciate how icky it may be considered, even if meant in a totally innocent and helpful way.
As a guy, I find it really hard to believe that an "engaged father" wouldn't think, "Hey, this insistence to get a child that I barely know alone in a room and take their pants off is probably coming across a bit weird"
I get it. I'm a mom but my heart kind of broke when my 12 year old son got excited when new neighbors moved in with two little boys. He knew I had started babysitting at 12. And my son was always trying to earn money, plus was really great with the younger kids in my family. I had to explain that probably it wouldn't be a good idea to ask as 12 was still kind of young. Things were different than when I sat the 60's.
My son did get a babysitting certificate, cpr etc from the YMCA. And I kept kind of low key discouraging the babysitting hope. But we ended up very friendly with the neighbors. And about a year later my neighbor actually approached me to ask if my son would possibly babysit because her boys loved him so much. Lol, so it worked out. But yeah, parents, somewhat unfairly I'm sure, probably aren't comfortable with the idea of male babysitters.
I have no issues with male carers- my daughter goes to daycare and there are a number of male educators there. I love kids and have often felt unfairly perceived around kids because I'm a male, so I get it.
But it's the lack of boundaries or the awareness of those boundaries that is really concerning. I bet your son's babysitting course had a component all about it.
That was the mid nineties and there was more awareness around predators happening.. And I did hear mothers not wanting male sitters. I was more concerned with him going over to offer his services and being turned down. Looking back I should have just been more upfront about why he may hear a no.
I understand your ick regarding things like offering things like a diaper change to others. I even felt it when I wondered if it was off limits to hug the Brownies in my troop. In my kids school the teachers talked about how they had stopped initiating any physical contact with the kids and gently discouraged any from the kids. And they missed the hugs.
This isn’t about male caretakers. Hell, my husband is 100x better with other people’s kids than I am lol. Kids like your son would have been great as a sitter when our kids were little.
ANYONE who is dating someone for a week and is pushing to change a diaper alone with the baby over and over again is suspect. If OP was dating a girl you would have the same reactions.
This. I went on a date once with a girl(I'm bi)and she was overly gushing about how cute my daughter was and so and she made the joke "I'm gonna steal her from you" (not that ominous, in my language doesn't sound THAT bad). That gave me the creeps and I never saw her again. I was super reserved in dates about my kid and she was too curious about her. No, no.
I had a service guy at my house that was too excited about my dog and I switched companies. So I understand those “I might steal your loved one vibes”!!
Oh man, I feel this. My husband and I talk about this all the time — it’s hard when a genuine and well intentioned male likes kids. Because so many people have their guard up (and for good reason. Most boys/men are not abusers. But most abusers are boys/men).
It would break my heart if my son were a very interested caregiver and I’d have to pump the brakes because most people don’t want a boy babysitting. I don’t blame them, because I do get it.
That being said, I’m so happy your son found a family who is open to it. Sounds like it worked out for everyone.
This could definitely be the case and honestly it’s what I was thinking, but still always keep an eye on him when your daughter is around, just to play it safe. It’s sad, but when it comes to children it’s ALWAYS better safe than sorry
Trust your gut. Your baby is not old enough to tell you yet if someone touches her inappropriately. What you described makes my Spidey sense go off and I have worked in child welfare for many years.
It would be ok if you said no and he said OK. But he didn't. He kept pushing the issue, and something about told you it wasn't quite right.
He may be a good guy and just eager to help but what's the worst case scenario? You don't let him change the diaper (and if you've only been official for a WEEK that's a perfectly acceptable boundary) and he gets offended, or you leave him alone with your daughter and something happens to her?
Sure, there's some space in between those two options but.... ultimately you said no and he didn't accept that. Under any circumstance, not accepting "no" is like the biggest, brightest red flag someone can wave ONE WEEK into the relationship.
Man, it's hard though.
I was thinking that until I read he was a parent already.
I think it's really common for people to say no to offers of help. Even though they might actually need it or it might be useful.
I know I always reject food someone offers me even if I want it. Unless they maybe probe or ask a second time or God forbid they call me out on knowing I want it so just say yes.
OP is totally justified in saying no. But I think there could be circumstances where his reaffirmation to help her is innocent. From a place of wanting to genuinely help. Like OPs friend is suggesting.
They have known each other for a few years..
They were seeing each other for a few weeks prior to getting together.
And he's already a parent..
Men live in a world where they are automatically labelled the less equipped parent.. even if they want to be. This might be his experience. And in addition, a stereotype that he might want to show early on in the relationship isn't the case. Especially if OP has mentioned her ex not pulling his weight etc.
Similarly, men do not experience predatorial behavior like women. He may not be aware of the ulterior idea she may have behind this. Not saying it's right. Just saying it's a possibility.
yeah but a lot of dads are coming forward to this post from their perspective and they mention that as a dad they would be socially aware on how weird that would be to insist, and to continue crossing the boundaries
Even 2 no’s, maybe we are just trying to be kind and helpful, but going for the third shouldn’t have happened. Regardless of motive that’s when it feels uncomfortable. He’s 32, and he has kids, so he should know that. I’m also curious as to how old she is.
Someone I don't know well insisting to help me with *anything* after I have already given them a firm "no" three times is someone I don't want to hang out with.
listen to your gut. the insisting is strange, predators seek out single mothers of target children, and he offered to do so in a situation where you couldn’t even see them. maybe it’s nothing, but if it’s something you’ll regret ignoring it for the rest of your life!!!
right, if he offered while i was in the room doing something else i wouldn’t have minded, but the fact i was leaving to use the toilet myself just made me feel like its wrong. i’d rather be safe than sorry, but i am not willing to take that risk
It’s absolutely his insistence. If she dropped it after OP said no then it wouldn’t seem like such a big deal but he was so insistent and pushy about it.
Yeah it’s like if I saw a friend stressed I’d offer to help change a diaper or tend to a baby but once the parent said no I’d be thinking Thank God & sit my ass back down.
Right?? I have three older kids, I’m an experienced diaper changer, and of course I would offer to do this for someone. Do I want to change a diaper? Hell no. Especially someone else’s kid. The second I was told no I would pat myself on the back for attempting to be a nice person and be super happy they didn’t take me up on being that nice person lmao.
Funny side note- my husband and I had to watch his newborn nephew when SIL needed to be taken to hospital for issues with her c section incision. Our oldest was like 12 at the time, so it had been a while since we had changed a diaper. You would have thought we were first timers lol. (Especially because he had been circumcised and we didn’t do that to our son- we were both kind of like how the fuck do you clean this incision?? Google was our friend). That was the day we both learned that some skills you lose over time lmao.
I can’t even help my baby sister use the bathroom in public without some people giving weird looks, no WAY am I helping or even paying attention to anyone else’s kid
Please please please look at your sweet daughter right now and know you need to trust your gut and stop talking to this guy. Just block him and never go back.
For me it's the insistence, plus the fact that his "reasoning" for the third time didn't even make any sense. Him knowing how to change a diaper is irrelevant to the issue of the child being clingy and easily upset.
Coming from a situation where my mom married 5 different men beginning when I was 9 until I flew the coop at 18–and most of them only knew her for less than 6 months before proposing, I would would say having misgivings and being cautious is the way to go. And yes, years of therapy have helped me tolerate life. I also say “follow your gut” and protect the baby. My mom didn’t figure that out, ever.
Why is a guy you're sleeping with for 1 week anywhere near your baby daughter? WTH? Do not let strange men that you barely know anywhere near your child.
i have a (serious) side question: what does "talking properly" mean in the context of "we have known each other for two or three years but only recently started talking properly"?
sorry. i'm old. i don't know what that means.
There’s absolutely no reason for this guy to be so insistent on changing your baby’s diaper while you’re out of the room. Someone has got to be so incredibly naive if they don’t see anything wrong with his pushiness. Good on you for not letting him touch her.
What’s weird is that he insisted when you said no. Read the book the gift of fear by Gavin DeBecker. It seems very off that you continued to say no and he insisted yes when it’s regarding your baby. No is a complete sentence. Boyfriends don’t change diapers. You’ve known him awhile.. so it’s not like you’re strangers but his behavior alarmed you enough to write this which means you dump him. Icy cold. Don’t get manipulated.
Thank you for sharing the link. It’s very eye opening. Hopefully some of the people commenting will take it seriously. This dude does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. What fucking dude insists on changing a baby girls diaper THREE times and then gets irritated when mom says no? It’s highly suspicious behavior.
I want to add to what everyone has said about his insistence being weird. The possibility that he took offense to your firm “No” is a red flag itself. He should understand and respect as a parent himself that protecting your child is priority #1. Trust has to be earned, and even if you fully trust him there’s always a healthy amount of caution in any good parent. It may not necessarily indicate he’s a predator, but it almost certainly indicates boundary and trust issues that shouldn’t be ignored. Trust your instincts, they’re there to protect you and your child.
No matter who the man is or how long you’ve known him, he doesn’t get access your child alone. This is a deal breaker to me that he was insistent about it. As a single mom, your baby will be a potential target of abusers. They pick you because you have a child. They seem super helpful and interested. It’s grooming. And then the unthinkable happens. Trust your gut!
It wasn’t weird at all because he’s a father. What was weird was for him to keep insisting. Even after you said she would cry if she wasn’t with you. Plus in reality it doesn’t matter how long you’ve “known of” this man. You’ve only known him a week and he wants to be official and change your daughter’s diaper. Red flag for me.
Immediately NO. The fact that you he insisted enough that your internal alert system was activated is a sign, and your maternal instincts kicking in. Is he really worth sticking around long enough to find out? Best case scenario, he is completely clueless about the sinister motivations of others, and even that is concerning. Every gentleman I’ve ever come across has been hyper aware of the threat that can inherently be perceived simply because they are male and operate in consideration of this. Knowing him for 3 years means nothing. Most groomers are in it for the long haul and don’t mind playing the long game to have access to those they wish to abuse.
Super weird and I say this as a father. TRUST YOUR GUT. I didn’t let my partner meet my kids until we had been dating 6 months. She’s never changed a diaper (not her job) but the insisting is just weird. Run run run for your children’s sake. A 1 week relationship isn’t even worth the risk. This guy is no one to you.
Yikes on so many bikes, so many commenters here would unintentionally leave their child with a predator because they want to give people the benefit of a doubt.
It does not matter the culture. If it’s patriarchal, do not leave your babies alone with an adult man. Especially if he didn’t accept “no” the first time.
I’m a single mom. We don’t need to accept that kind of help from brand new boyfriends. They can offer to help in other ways, slowly, over time, after proving they’re not creeps.
His insistence makes me real nervous.
If you’re introducing a boyfriend of a week to your infant child makes me think you’re not the best judge of character.
Slow your roll, OP.
Per the comments, this could go either way.
If it were me, next time he offers, I’d say something like, “Hey, thanks for your offer, I really appreciate that as my partner, you want to help me with baby. I just don’t feel that we know each other well enough yet to take on any tasks of caring for each other’s children.”
His reaction to that will tell you very clearly exactly what you need to know.
I feel like the whole exchange was awkward. He clearly wanted to show you he can do the “dad” thing and you clearly weren’t comfortable.
You’ve known each other a few years? But how well did you know each other?
I’d like to chalk this up to an awkward experience, but you know him better than me.
Wondering why you’re introducing a man you’ve only dated for a week to your infant daughter. That’s the biggest red flag in this post tbh. With that kind of judgment I can only imagine what you’ll be exposing her to whether Josh is in the picture or not. I’m a single mom and didn’t start dating until my daughter was six. I will never introduce her to someone unless we’ve been together for nearly a year, background checks have been run, etc. Even then, she’ll never be around them without me in the room. You’re a mom. Act like it.
Middle aged grandmother here….
You’re seeing a dude for ONE WEEK and you’re bringing your baby around him and WANTS TO CHANGE HER DIAPER???
You ain’t gonna like this but someone needs to say it…
Don’t bring your kids around a man for a long time. And men who offer to change a baby he’s never met before is a major red flag.
They always groom the family before the child…he knows you’re a tired single mom. And of all the things he could offer to help with…He wants to get your baby’s diaper off!
Stop worrying about getting you a man right now..the fact that you had to write in to Reddit to ask if this is problematic tells me you aren’t capable of making good choices right now.
Number one risk for daughters in our world is non-related males in their lives. They are the #1 contributor to molestation, abuse, murder… mom should NOT leave her baby girl alone with her new boyfriend EVER.
I swear to god we are the only mammals on the planet that ignore our instincts out of fear of hurting feelings. Who CARES if you were an asshole. You were protecting your child from probable sexual abuse. You should just tell him point blank that you are not comfortable with him changing your child’s diaper. Period. Don’t apologize. Don’t make excuses of her being clingy. If he flips, there’s your answer.
Going to echo the other folks here. The offer isn’t weird, but the insistence is weird. Unless he has something like autism where he literally doesn’t understand certain social cues
"No" isnt a social cue, its a statement. Autistuc or not its not ok to ignore peoples directly stated wishes. If he hasnt learned by his 30s how to repond to a no, thats a huge red flag.
His insistence is what made it super weird. It’s good you stood your ground and made sure your daughter is safe. Friends and even some family sadly cannot be trusted fully most of the time with children. He could’ve just been insisting because he took offense thinking you don’t trust him, but it is still rather strange and better off that you did not let him.
Can't really say without actually knowing the guy, but I'm a single mom of two daughters and I was always careful when dating. A man who I've been dating for a week wouldn't even meet my kids. You've known him for years so it's different. If you feel uncomfortable, go with your gut on this. At the same time, you should explain to him that it's going to take time for you to trust him completely. Going to be an awkward conversation though.
The children of single mothers are something like 400% more likely to be abused. My fiance didn't meet my son until nearly 6 months and my son was 13 at the time.
I was a single parent. My child (now an adult) was never around my dates or even met my dates until after the relationship survived at least 6 months (sometimes more!) and there were just a few of those. Protect that beautiful young lady,
keep your adorable baby away from your dates!
You don't know anything about anybody after only a week!
I think it’s a nice gesture to offer, or at least it would have been if he weren’t so insistent. That is… really weird. I’d be careful around this guy op. Watch him closely
It’s sad that life is like this. But it is. It’s not like leaving your purse in the room. This is your child.
I could maybe see it if you were in direct view of the diaper change, taking a break and he was helping you out. Maybe.
But no. Better to err on the side of caution. And a good man will understand. He won’t like it, but he’ll understand.
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I might get downvoted to shit but idc. Your kids don’t need to be meeting your boyfriend of one week much less having their privates exposed to them especially while you’re not around.
100%, and this counts REGARDLESS of how trustworthy he may seem.
Most perpetrators of child sexual assault are someone known and trusted by the child. Better safe than sorry, especially in this situation.
… And they usually come across as the nicest most helpful people in the world.
And who the fuck wants to change and possibly get some baby’s stench on their BED🤢 dude baby’s smell all of this is really scary to me I’m sorry this even happened so glad she stuck by her intuition
It's easy to see why her "intuition" got triggered. It's very weird that he was so insistent and kept pushing.
Yup. This is what I see as well. To offer once is one thing, to keep being insistent is just plain creepy. I would ditch this guy immediately.
Exactly. One time might--*might*--be just clueless naivety. But anything beyond that is throwing up more red flags than a Soviet military parade.
Do they still do those?
I guess the Soviets don't--not since 1991, at least. Maybe China would've been a more timely example.
While trying to get her out of the room
Yes I also found it weird that he kept insisting. U can offer to help but when the baby’s mother is saying no , you need to back off.
Being so insistent on this is very suspicious and a real red flag. A normal reaction would be to ask if she needed help and drop the matter
What I think is weird is the fact they’ve only dated for one week. She’s calling him her boyfriend and having her daughter around him.
This! My boyfriend of two years didn't get to meet my daughter for months. & He even has two sons of his own.
My husband didn’t meet my daughter for 9 months, I found it to be so easy to keep them apart.
(Dad joke here…) Most husbands don’t get to meet their wife’s children for 9 months.
This is why I love Reddit, one of the few positives.
My daughter knew about him a long time after I started dating him & then met in small doses after that
Yeah I'm sorry but adults don't start referring to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend this fast unless they're still very young which makes me wonder how old OP is and if this guy is actually way older than her also...
And they wriggle and try to get up mid change. OP if your warning bell is going off please listen. No matter how you feel does not trump if you’re sensing something isn’t right. Always trust your gut. Always.
This situation really sucks. I read the post and instantly came up with 1000 reasons this could be totally innocent. Then I started reading the comments and said “fuck, they are right”. And it sucks that we live in an age where it has to be that way. I was that guy when I was younger, I would have offered and insisted because I cared about the women and figured she might want a moments peace while she did her business. I would have thought that it showed I was not scared off by her child and I was willing to help and care for the kid. But I have been the victim of good intentions many times in my life. Which leads to comments like this where I feel I have to explain myself so people can see things from my point of view. But in the end, OP is right to be suspicious and it’s good that she is looking out for these things. I am just lamenting about how people need to be suspicious today and good natured people are often scrutinized for trying to do what they feel is the right thing.
I know, it sucks when your good intentions are misused, but for fairness, it's not that you have to be careful 'today', parents should have been careful this whole time. Predators aren't a new thing, we're just finally learning from our mistakes. Don't lament ignorance, today you know a little better, and if this situation presented itself to you now you could still be a nice guy and offer help, and if they refuse you say, "cool" and let it go. My real issue with this situation is when people don't take 'no' for an answer. If he had let it drop after she said no the first time, no big deal! But when someone keeps pushing to 'help'... not super helpful is it? And again, maybe just a helpful person, but for me that would be a discussion of "hey man, I appreciate the offer, but no means no, even if you're 'being helpful'. It's disrespectful to keep pushing someone who has told you no. Period."
We appreciate you, truly. Offering is wonderful, *insisting* is too far. We, as a society, *need* men who want to be involved with kids, but it's hard to balance that with safety. As a widowed mom, I'll *beg* every guy reading this to sign up with Big Brothers, Big Sisters- they don't have nearly enough mentors for the kids. They'll pay for your background check and they care about Mentor safety as well as child safety. We need you guys, kids all over the country need good men around.
Good pts, however child sexual abuse is no more an issue "today" or "in this age" than rape or domestic violence is limited to the present. These problems have been around as long as humans have. It's just that now we have greater awareness of it & the language for addressing it, which is a good thing.
Yeah I wouldn’t wanna change the diaper of a child of a guy I’m dating. The only time I would would be if we were married and that child was my stepchild.
I’d offer to do it but I’m good with babies and happy to help parents out. That being said, I’d never keep pushing to do it after a parent declined because I understand if they want to reiterate that hygiene/changing tasks are only for close family members.
"Come across as the nicest most helpful" and *trustworthy* people
And they target single moms, who they expect to be overwhelmed by childcare, by being helpful and gaining your trust. I have six kids and would never let them meet anyone until it’s serious, or allow a strange man to change their diapers-ever.
It's the reason I didn't date after my husband died. My kids were 1 and 4. I knew they would be vulnerable. I and my sister were molested by our first stepfather when we were 7 and 5. Wonderful, friendly, well-respected businessman and deacon of his church. Love bombed my mom and us with lots of material things. The predators love to find single moms. They also can become the family friend who become aunt or uncle so-and-so which means you still have to be careful who you leave your kids with.
I'm not Mom, but yes please single moms and dads know predators LOOK to take advantage of your vulnerable situation. I saw the Netflix documentary "Girl in the Picture" and it was about this. It's diabolical how the predator came off as charming, helpful, reliable, "SAFE"?!, etc. It was all so he could target the single mom's three daughters. The predator kidnapped the oldest daughter when she was 6 years old and raised her. He did unspeakable things to this girl, which I won't go into detail here. She was eventually killed by him at 20 years old.
This is why I am single and will remain so for the foreseeable future. The kids father and I split when our youngest were 2 years old, they’re 8 now and I’m still scared someone with bad intentions will try to take advantage. It’s too risky and I’m not the best judge of character sometimes so I’d rather not take the chance.
That's why I'm single. I would destroy worlds for my kid I don't need prison time. When she's older I might date someone but not until she can talk
Yea a baby and a new boyfriend just have no business being alone. Unfortunately I had a tragedy happen in my family a long time ago and my cousins boyfriend unalived her baby when he was left alone with her. I’m just super paranoid now
You don't have to censor yourself like that on reddit. Please just say killed. I'm so sorry that happened though. How horrible.
Terminology matters so much in abuse situations. Which reminds me- never use cutesy terms or euphemisms for genitalia with your kids. It's too easy to hide abuse when your kid can't say "vagina" and "penis".
100%. And I agree with people saying that serious subjects can be very hard, even traumatic, to discuss, but it's incredibly important to make whatever extra efforts it takes to discuss them.
That reminds me of a situation that happened a couple of miles from where I live where a woman's bf shook & battered her toddler, while 'watching' her, eventually causing its death. That was one of the first cases in public news of bf's doing that to their gf's kids. It was many years ago but that news really stuck out to me.
Oh no that is every parent's worst nightmare, how terrible for all of you. I'm so sorry.
I’m curious, why didn’t you just say “killed”?
Yup. I’m a firm believer in keeping kids and new relationships separate until one is certain it is going to be a long term committed relationship. Like 6-12 months MINIMUM. There is nothing strange about offering to change a diaper. However, INSISTING after she declined is weird af. Bringing it up AGAIN is straight up CREEPY. People are protective and sensitive about their kids. He has a kid and doesn’t understand this?
Exactly. It's alarming that 1) he doesn't understand that moms don't want to leave their babies with men they've only dated for a week, 2) he doesn't realize that he's putting *himself* in a dicey situation where he could end up falsely accused, 3) he can't take no for an answer, which is a red flag in any context, but here? He can't figure out why the mom is not OK with handing over her baby to him, and pushes back at no after no? Ick. Danger signs everywhere.
Number 3 is what got me. OK he offered and had good intentions (let's say for now) and was trying to be The Good Guy. Once she declined he should have said "OK, let me know if you need a towel or if you have a changing pad" and left it alone. She's a single mom of a 9mo I'm pretty sure she's changed a diaper alone in various situations and has it under control. I admittedly get easily annoyed with pushy people (I accept help readily so if I say "no thank you" I mean it lol) so that alone would have bugged me.
This should be upvoted to the heavens! It's Single Mom 101 information - kids don't meet your dates! Not until and unless the relationship is getting serious and the guy has been vetted. Period. No exceptions.
… And one week of dating does not a boyfriend make. 🤔
My SIL has brought like 5 different "the ones" into her daughter's life within weeks of knowing them. One of them three separate times after they breakup for a year and get back together. Needless to say, the daughter has enormous emotional issues. As far as I'm concerned it's straight up child abuse.
I’m not a parent so it’s easy for me to judge but with children so young why are you even prioritizing dating? Shouldn’t your focus be on raising your child?? When they’re older I understand but if you have an infant??? Bringing randos around your baby is fucking bizarre to me. (Obv I mean ‘you’ in general, not literally you lol)
THANK YOU THIS WAS MY POINT TOO. Like im sorry but if you are literally having to be with your child at all times because they are less than a freaking year old and you don’t have anyone else to help you, how in the world can you even rationalize taking any portion of your time away from your child to pursue a romantic relationship? Your kid is freaking nine months old. I’m sorry, I know parents are people too, and this is going to sound very mean- but you can wait to get your rocks off. You have an infant child, and until you no longer have to worry about things like infant sudden death syndrome or a mild fever literally causing their undeveloped immune system to give out and leave them with brain damage, your number one responsibility is that freaking baby. Keeping them breathing is an around the clock job that comes before work, personal success, and your own romantic desires.
Single parenting 101 tbh. Kids need stability and you need to be very intentional about the people you bring into your children’s lives because a bad breakup can mess with their ability to form interpersonal and romantic attachments.
It's not about the bad break up as much as its that kids form attachments very easily to the people around them. When a 'surrogate parent' is around they attach and they go through the break up too.
Yep. This is exactly why some of these creeps prey on single mothers. Some of them lack awareness for their child’s safety due to a bit of desperation
My mom dated men like that. We were molested by several of her boyfriends. They knew she was a single mother and came running. When I was dating as a single mother, I didn't disclose right away that I was a mother because I didn't want to attract predators, but everybody will tell you that is a vile thing to do, as I should know that nobody wants to date a single mother. This is a common enough discussion on reddit and I get downvoted into oblivion if I say that I'd rather not share right away that I'm a mother. I'd rather get ghosted by a million dudes after they find out I'm a mother than date the dudes that line up for single moms 🤷🏼♀️
Exactly this. I got downvoted to hell for commenting this on the Love is Blind subreddit. Saying I was advocating for women to “trick men” Nope, just trying to make sure kids don’t get abused.
I am so sorry that you were treated like that. I hope you are doing ok now.
Way to put your babies first. I'm so sorry that happened to you all.
Yea a baby and a new boyfriend have no business being alone together ESPECIALLY when private parts are showing.
…or when they are not showing
Considering the responses in this thread about how she should feel bad for saying no and should assume he has innocent motives I understand how it happens 🙄
I haven’t seen those responses yet. She should never have had new bf around her baby. This is a potentially bad situation.
Agree it's way too soon for them to meet. On the specific situation, I'd have been willing to believe the *first* offer was genuinely an attempt to be helpful. To continue to insist after being told no thanks is about 800 red flags. Either dude is a creeper wanting access to the child, he's controlling and testing boundaries around what he can convince/make OP do, or he's seeing himself fitting into the dad slot and pushing the relationship way too fast. Any of those are problematic for various reasons and to various degrees. I'd hit the brakes hard.
This is my first reaction too. The insistence on changing on being told no is weird, and it’s great that it’s triggering a protective instinct, but the child never should have been in that position to start with. I say that as someone remarried to someone else with kids.
If he asked once, she said no and he let it go, I'd say he was being helpful. Insisting 3 times just seems... off.
Even if we gave him the benefit of the doubt in being sincerely helpful, the fact that HE doesn’t recognize his insistence being a red flag is another red flag. Reasonable adults should understand why this was a weird offer to begin with, ESPECIALLY because he’s a parent. So even if his had the best of intentions, someone who doesn’t recognize how personal and potentially problematic that is would not have the same standards for protecting my child (or their own) as I do, and that’s another type of red flag.
That’s the part that felt like a red flag to me - his persistence. He showed OP that he cannot accept “no”.
I agree, there is no need for this young of a baby to be hanging around in the bedroom of her mother’s new boyfriend of only 1 week.
I’m weird about bedrooms too. I don’t want anyone lounging in my bed with my child. Especially if the child can’t speak. A baby and a new bf just have no business being alone.
this. idc if he was tryna be helpful. he may have had the best intentions and was just tryna be considerate and helpful. if this is the case, amazing, great, we love to see it. still a no tho. my child does not need to be left alone with any adult who isn’t their parent or a trusted caregiver
This is the only answer. If you can’t prioritize your baby over your dating life, why are you a parent? I would be livid if I was the other parent and found out they were doing this with my child.
Amen. She just broke up with the father recently and has a “boyfriend of one week” while parenting an infant. Ugh.
i feel like people forget there’s creeps everywhere
And that’s such an ugly outlook to have but it’s reality and you have to face it if you want to keep your kids safe
There’s literally no cost to having “an ugly outlook” when it comes to protecting yourself and your children, don’t let anyone guilt you about “bias”
I agree this feels too fast 😭
Like… A WEEK?! You don’t even know if you like them yet.
I don’t even let a man know where I live after only a week.
Yea I don’t even give out my phone number. So much information is tied to that. I know people shit on Snapchat but I love it. If someone gets weird I can block them and never see them again. On other socials they can stall you via your friends.
I agree…they haven’t even established their relationship dynamics yet…
I will say they’ve apparently known each other for years which makes that part less weird The insistence is strange though
Knowing of someone and knowing someone are two different things. They only saw each other occasionally when they’d bump into each other. He didn’t even know that she wasn’t with the baby’s dad for 7 months of the baby’s 9 months. It sounds like they were acquaintances at best. And they’ve only been talking for 1 month. She does not know that man.
They have not “apparently known each other for years“. She said they have “known OF each other for years“. I’ve known of neighbours for years but know absolutely nothing about them. That’s a huge difference.
I know a woman who knew her husband for 15 years before she married him. He still SA’d her 13 year old daughter the first time he was left alone with her. You never know who might be a predator.
It's weird you bring your daughter around someone you have been dating for a week.
They’ve been friends for years and he’s met her daughter multiple times prior when they were just friends. I’m not sure what’s weird about this interaction.
Sounds like they were just friendly acquaintances, a friend of a friend, before dating.
She said they’ve “known **of** each other for over” two or three years; that’s absolutely not the same as “being friends.” She’s known this dude properly for a month.
And now that they're dating, there should be an appropriate boundary until she knows him better a partner.
They are not friends. She knew OF him for a long time
Where did you get this from? The post says they’ve known OF each other for a few years. That doesn’t sound as if they’re friends. And also, most children are assaulted by family members and people they know/trust ETA: not only does it say “known OF each other” but also “recently started to talk properly” which doesn’t sound like people who have been friends for years
It's not weird for him to offer, as one parent to another. But it's incredibly weird for him to insist after you said 'no'. He either has sinister motives or is so fucking clueless about how you should respect boundaries that it doesn't make much difference.
Idk I kinda feel like saying “no really it’s ok, I don’t mind and I know what I’m doing,” is actually a pretty normal response to a single parent who maybe isn’t used to accepting help. If she still said no and he made a big deal after that, I’d call it a red flag. But to me this just reads as him trying to show her he can be a helpful/supportive partner for her and her baby. I realize he’s a bf of just 1 week but I’m assuming there’s a longer period of knowing one another there, otherwise I can’t imagine OP would have her daughter around him (or be calling someone she’s only known for a week her boyfriend).
They have known each other for a few years.
She said “She’s known OF him for 2/3 years.” She really didn’t know him. They’ve only been getting acquainted in this 1 month. Her baby shouldn’t have even been around him yet.
In the post, she mention that he insisted a several times and also encouraged her to leave the room while he did it.
Yeah, I read the post. Saying “no really it’s ok, I’ve got her so go ahead and go to the bathroom and leave her with me,” is not necessarily a creepy thing. I’ve said it to my sister and cousins and friends about their babies when they obviously needed a break but were afraid to impose on me. By repeating myself to them I obviously wasn’t trying to do anything inappropriate, I was just reassuring anxious moms who I cared about that I really didn’t mind and it really was okay for them to take a few minutes for themselves and I’d be happy to watch their baby for them for that brief period. But sometimes, especially for first time moms, and even more especially for single moms who are so used to having to do everything by themselves, it takes a bit of repeating and encouraging. OP hasn’t given any other reason to think this guy is off or a creep, and I think that also matters. It’s a very difficult tightrope to walk trying to be supportive of a new parent and especially of a single parent, and to reassure them that you really do mean it when you offer help/support, but without overstepping any boundaries. That’s a totally normal thing to sort out at the beginning of a new relationship.
Yeah I don't read this as particularly sinister, maybe he misread the situation thinking she was trying to not be imposing. He needs to take no as an answer but it sounds like someone who has been a single parent trying to give another single parent a break when they may not ask for one.
I think this is bang on. And exactly what her friend might be saying
He “encouraged” her to leave the room because she actively had to go to the bathroom… Idk this guy’s intentions. He could just be really oblivious. He could be nefarious. I don’t think your point about “encouraging” her to leave the room is a red flag in this situation though when that’s like kinda the whole problem here. She was already leaving the room because she had to go to the bathroom.
Right. People are painting it out like dude was sitting there just randomly like demanding to be left alone in a room with the daughter and to change her diaper, and that’s not at all what OP has described happening here.
It almost seems like they are hinting he is some sort of child predator trying to get the child alone. The most likely answer here is that he has perhaps liked her for a while and finally got his chance and now they are together and he was trying to show her he is good with kids. He overcompensated by continuing to insist, but I don't think it's necessarily weird for him to offer. OP seems to think anyone but the parent changing the baby is weird. I disagree. Not to say strangers should do it, but I'm sure a lot of grandparents have changed their grandkids diapers. I'm sure aunts and uncles have changed their nieces and nephews diapers too.
This is what I feel too. I’ve changed plenty of diapers and I have no kids. Niece, nephew, cousin, while babysitting.
Yessssss this!!! He liked her for a while and now that he has her, he is trying to keep her. He probably likes her more than she likes him.
Yeah, like… I’m a liiiittle on the fence about it? Like if there was something in the *exact* phrasing that could have been weird, it could be concerning. And if she’s getting concerning vibes\*, that could be worth considering too. At the same time, I can absolutely see something like this playing out completely innocently. You know, “I could take her to the bed and change her while you go to the bathroom if you want,” “oh no it’s okay,” “are you sure? I don’t mind helping.” “Yeah, she’ll probably cry anyway if I leave her.” “Fair enough, I know what that’s like. I have a son too, so I’ve changed a few diapers in my time. So, it doesn’t bother me any, I don’t mind.” (That last part could even be backing off/more of a “for the future” thing taken as pushing again, in some situations.) **That was obviously a highly fictionalized and generous depiction,** for what it’s worth, and more of a “I could see myself doing it this way with completely innocent intentions” thing, I hope that makes sense? I’m not trying to predict how he actually phrased it—I’m just a writer and sometimes writer brain comes online at random times smh—just a way I could see it being said but coming across like he was pushing. But also yeah, it’s not weird or wrong for someone not the parents to change the child’s diaper(I mean… babysitters?? Daycare??), as long as they’ve gotten the OK from a parent at least lol. So that part wouldn’t worry me. \*(And all that being said, if she’s getting uncomfortable vibes about it… I would never tell a momma not to listen to that feeling. Maybe to take the cautious approach first - I know post partum hormones and also new mother feelings and such can skew feelings a little at first. I am *not at all* saying I think it’s just hormones/new mother paranoia; just not to react with it and make decisions immediately, and get a little more info first. The thinking only parents should change them could also influence the perception too tho. Just things to keep in mind.)
..... so she could go to the bathroom for fucks sake.
It was 3 times. And I'm with the other guy on this, he asked once as "hey I'll help" and a second as a "no I truly do want to help I wasn't just being polite I meant I'm willing to help" and then the third as "just in case she's worried that I'm not competent I'll remind her I have a son and know what I'm doing". I didn't feel this was a weird interaction. I feel it's more a protective mother and an internet full of people with skewed internet feelings
Really depends on how he asked/tone etc. I think it was just trying to be polite and give a break to OP but who knows how exactly he insisted (i would assune as you described it)
>and also encouraged her to leave the room while he did it. Well, she can't piss in the bedroom floor. Idk where you piss in your house, but it's generally frowned upon to go anywhere other than the toilet. Changing a child on the bed is a lot easier than the bathroom floor. He'd know this, being a parent himself.
Depends on the culture is perfectly normal to insist at least 3 times when you offer to do something. Usually it’s to make the other person feel like you actually want to do something for them and it’s not out of obligation. Dude asked 2 times. Op wanted to use the bathroom so a normal person would think why keep a baby on the bathroom floor or in your lap since I can help them. If we want to talk about red flags, op who only have been dating this man for a week and allows contact with her baby is a much better choice
I mean, OP has known him for 2-3 years, they've only been dating for a week. If this is someone she *just* met and had only been seeing for a week, that would have massive red flags on it.
Regardless of culture, the guy has a son and has clearly changed diapers before, and probably wants to prove to his new GF how he can be a reliable step dad to her daughter. Sure a bit heavy handed for week 1, but unless there is any other reason to suspect anything else, this really just sounds like a guy trying to impress a girl/mom.
I agree. It’s not like he was badgering op to do it. He asked two times and only because she wanted to do it in the bathroom. Maybe there is no room in the bathroom and she was going to do it on the floor?
This was my take. I experienced significant, repeated csa, it read to me dude was more trying to prove he can take care of the kid for a few minutes. I’ve seen it with my youngest with his son. He repeatedly had to explain he can care for his own child to the mother before she’d let him alone with his own biological offspring. If dude had a similar experience with his bm, it would make sense if he was a bit insistent before he just shrugged it off.
Or he is a typical dude and didn't realize the potential "predatory sign" she may have been picking up. I wouldn't trust someone that new either but I would have clarified why I didn't feel comfortable that soon "I really appreciate the offer and I feel you are competent as a fellow parent but this is very new so the trust isn't quite there yet". After I trust someone then I would allow that person to help with my kids with boundaries of course, both of my kids were out of diapers before seriously saying anyone so this situation wasn't a thing but i have a long term partner that is not their biological father that does things for my kids that I wouldn't trust them to do if we had only been dating for a week or so (like help them change into pajamas, make food when there are allergies involved, etc) I understand the potential predatory behavior but I feel like his behavior after that day are more indicative, if he keeps showing signs in the next few weeks then you made the right choice by protecting your child but if there are no other signs and you continue the relationship and he earns your trust over the next 6 months with no other signs then you were just being over protective due to not really knowing the guy by week 1.
Even as a woman who loooooovvvessss kids and is happy to help, I’d immediately take a ‘no’ on something like this. There are things that you don’t insist on. It’s not anything you need to be explicitly taught. You can offer to help someone’s child with something sensitive without it being weird. You don’t push back if they decline. That’s fucking weird. You can do the whole ‘no no it’s ok, I insist’ dance with a lot of tasks but something like changing somebody’s kid isn’t one.
I feel like a 32 year old man should know, and respect, that “No.” is a complete sentence—no further clarification needed. OP was in the midst of needing to use the restroom herself and take care of her infant’s needs—“no” was plenty sufficient for answer without her needing to pause to explain her answer. Even if he was just clueless and meant well, still a red flag that he didn’t respect her answer of “no” multiple times. but tbh, his insistence is creepy/unsettling, in my opinion. OP should trust her gut response here.
I'm definitely not saying don't trust her gut here. But given the boyfriend mentioned, I'm a dad. I know what I'm doing.. makes me think that he might believe she said no due to his inability to change a diaper. It sounds to me like he was just trying to reaffirm that he was capable. If she was clear about why she said no.. and then he insisted THAT would be a red flag to me. I don't think not accepting no straight away is necessarily a bad thing. He might have thought she was trying to be polite... So insisted so she had another opportunity to accept the help. Not saying this is the case but there are reasons with good intent that someone may insist after the first no.
I'm a mother of one and I also took it this way though I also would have never let it happen like OP.
+1 In reaffirming he is capable
He may be trying EXTRA hard to due to the newness and desire to impress. I agree with others that he was probably trying to get past the polite “oh I’ll just do it” and ‘go the extra mile’ to try to be like “no really I don’t mind, I know what I’m doing!”
It's absolutely possible. She can't afford to take that chance with her child's welfare. When kids are abused, and the other parent feigns ignorance, there are always incidents and signs they SHOULD have noticed, not because they were a 100% smoking gun confirmation, but because parents need to err on the side of caution with adults displaying uncomfortable and inappropriate behavior with their children.
Maybe its a boundary issue on my side then because I am very maternal and I have offered to change many diapers of children I barely knew and many friends (regardless of how new the friendship) have taken me up on the offer so that they could get a break. Same with feeding bottles and burping, if they say "no that's ok I can do it" I usually reply with "are you sure? I really don't mind, I miss the baby stage but if you're not comfortable I completely understand" I am not predatory and I don't try to insist but I do like to offer help where I can and the baby stage has always been my favorite. My partner prefers the more independent years to the baby stage so he wouldn't offer to change a diaper even if he knew a child and their parent well but if someone asked him to help he would. I understand OPs reaction, and I understand that "no" is a full sentence, but it's not fair to accuse someone of being a predator based on such a small amount of time and details. If he has shown any other signs I'm sure she would have mentioned them in the post/wouldn't have posted because the relationship was over.
It's not assuming he's a predator, it's being on guard so her child ISN'T ever preyed upon. It is almost always someone known to the child/family that abuses a child. Being equaltarian or whatever is great, but not more important than protecting her baby. Many parents don't even introduce partners to their kids until its been a while of dating-so many horror stories out there, why would anyone risk it? Some people go for parents of young children to get at those children. I'm not saying he is that kind of monster-I'm saying it would be negligent and naive to allow him unsupervised access to her baby so early in this relationship.
That’s a suuuper harsh take. I read it more as he was worried she thought he’d do a bad job and wanted to prove himself and insist he knew what he was doing and could be helpful to her.
Yeah that’s the thing. It isn’t weird at all for somebody else to change a babies diaper when given permission. But keep on insisting is too weird. I do think he was really trying to help but the insisting is just really really weird. One no should be enough in any situation.
Always trust your instincts. There is absolutely nothing alarming about someone offering to change a baby's diaper. What is sus is that he kept insisting and saying it again and again after you said no. Nope. NOPE.
I think maybe he was trying to show he doesn’t mind getting “stuck in” so to speak, and doing the shitty jobs that come with a baby. But it just feels a bit off to me
Words are one part of an interaction. There is body language, tone of voice, facial expression. If there was something you felt was off, trust that. Often us women feel something is sketchy and try to ignore it because we just can’t put into words what we picked up on. I just say I was picking up “vibes”. It isn’t a court room. You don’t need definitive, irrefutable evidence. You need to unapologetically trust your gut and do whatever you feel is right in the moment. I think you did the right thing in this instance. Whether it was his intentions with your child or him being too pushy to get what he wants, doesn’t matter if you don’t want him changing your baby at any given time for any reason.
Trusting my intuition has rarely steered me wrong. Not listening to my intuition when something didn’t feel right often has.
That may be the case but it still shows a real cluelessness about boundaries around kids. I'm a father and I would never offer to change another kid's diaper because I appreciate how icky it may be considered, even if meant in a totally innocent and helpful way. As a guy, I find it really hard to believe that an "engaged father" wouldn't think, "Hey, this insistence to get a child that I barely know alone in a room and take their pants off is probably coming across a bit weird"
I am also a dad & totally agree with you. Something is off here. Mom in right on.
I get it. I'm a mom but my heart kind of broke when my 12 year old son got excited when new neighbors moved in with two little boys. He knew I had started babysitting at 12. And my son was always trying to earn money, plus was really great with the younger kids in my family. I had to explain that probably it wouldn't be a good idea to ask as 12 was still kind of young. Things were different than when I sat the 60's. My son did get a babysitting certificate, cpr etc from the YMCA. And I kept kind of low key discouraging the babysitting hope. But we ended up very friendly with the neighbors. And about a year later my neighbor actually approached me to ask if my son would possibly babysit because her boys loved him so much. Lol, so it worked out. But yeah, parents, somewhat unfairly I'm sure, probably aren't comfortable with the idea of male babysitters.
I have no issues with male carers- my daughter goes to daycare and there are a number of male educators there. I love kids and have often felt unfairly perceived around kids because I'm a male, so I get it. But it's the lack of boundaries or the awareness of those boundaries that is really concerning. I bet your son's babysitting course had a component all about it.
That was the mid nineties and there was more awareness around predators happening.. And I did hear mothers not wanting male sitters. I was more concerned with him going over to offer his services and being turned down. Looking back I should have just been more upfront about why he may hear a no. I understand your ick regarding things like offering things like a diaper change to others. I even felt it when I wondered if it was off limits to hug the Brownies in my troop. In my kids school the teachers talked about how they had stopped initiating any physical contact with the kids and gently discouraged any from the kids. And they missed the hugs.
This isn’t about male caretakers. Hell, my husband is 100x better with other people’s kids than I am lol. Kids like your son would have been great as a sitter when our kids were little. ANYONE who is dating someone for a week and is pushing to change a diaper alone with the baby over and over again is suspect. If OP was dating a girl you would have the same reactions.
This. I went on a date once with a girl(I'm bi)and she was overly gushing about how cute my daughter was and so and she made the joke "I'm gonna steal her from you" (not that ominous, in my language doesn't sound THAT bad). That gave me the creeps and I never saw her again. I was super reserved in dates about my kid and she was too curious about her. No, no.
I had a service guy at my house that was too excited about my dog and I switched companies. So I understand those “I might steal your loved one vibes”!!
Oh man, I feel this. My husband and I talk about this all the time — it’s hard when a genuine and well intentioned male likes kids. Because so many people have their guard up (and for good reason. Most boys/men are not abusers. But most abusers are boys/men). It would break my heart if my son were a very interested caregiver and I’d have to pump the brakes because most people don’t want a boy babysitting. I don’t blame them, because I do get it. That being said, I’m so happy your son found a family who is open to it. Sounds like it worked out for everyone.
This could definitely be the case and honestly it’s what I was thinking, but still always keep an eye on him when your daughter is around, just to play it safe. It’s sad, but when it comes to children it’s ALWAYS better safe than sorry
Trust your gut. Your baby is not old enough to tell you yet if someone touches her inappropriately. What you described makes my Spidey sense go off and I have worked in child welfare for many years.
Better to be safe than sorry. Creeps are everywhere
[The Gift of Fear - Gavin de Becker](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear). You have gut feelings for a reason.
It would be ok if you said no and he said OK. But he didn't. He kept pushing the issue, and something about told you it wasn't quite right. He may be a good guy and just eager to help but what's the worst case scenario? You don't let him change the diaper (and if you've only been official for a WEEK that's a perfectly acceptable boundary) and he gets offended, or you leave him alone with your daughter and something happens to her? Sure, there's some space in between those two options but.... ultimately you said no and he didn't accept that. Under any circumstance, not accepting "no" is like the biggest, brightest red flag someone can wave ONE WEEK into the relationship.
Man, it's hard though. I was thinking that until I read he was a parent already. I think it's really common for people to say no to offers of help. Even though they might actually need it or it might be useful. I know I always reject food someone offers me even if I want it. Unless they maybe probe or ask a second time or God forbid they call me out on knowing I want it so just say yes. OP is totally justified in saying no. But I think there could be circumstances where his reaffirmation to help her is innocent. From a place of wanting to genuinely help. Like OPs friend is suggesting. They have known each other for a few years.. They were seeing each other for a few weeks prior to getting together. And he's already a parent.. Men live in a world where they are automatically labelled the less equipped parent.. even if they want to be. This might be his experience. And in addition, a stereotype that he might want to show early on in the relationship isn't the case. Especially if OP has mentioned her ex not pulling his weight etc. Similarly, men do not experience predatorial behavior like women. He may not be aware of the ulterior idea she may have behind this. Not saying it's right. Just saying it's a possibility.
yeah but a lot of dads are coming forward to this post from their perspective and they mention that as a dad they would be socially aware on how weird that would be to insist, and to continue crossing the boundaries
Even 2 no’s, maybe we are just trying to be kind and helpful, but going for the third shouldn’t have happened. Regardless of motive that’s when it feels uncomfortable. He’s 32, and he has kids, so he should know that. I’m also curious as to how old she is.
Someone I don't know well insisting to help me with *anything* after I have already given them a firm "no" three times is someone I don't want to hang out with.
listen to your gut. the insisting is strange, predators seek out single mothers of target children, and he offered to do so in a situation where you couldn’t even see them. maybe it’s nothing, but if it’s something you’ll regret ignoring it for the rest of your life!!!
right, if he offered while i was in the room doing something else i wouldn’t have minded, but the fact i was leaving to use the toilet myself just made me feel like its wrong. i’d rather be safe than sorry, but i am not willing to take that risk
For my it's not so much that, it's the insistence.
It’s absolutely his insistence. If she dropped it after OP said no then it wouldn’t seem like such a big deal but he was so insistent and pushy about it.
Yeah it’s like if I saw a friend stressed I’d offer to help change a diaper or tend to a baby but once the parent said no I’d be thinking Thank God & sit my ass back down.
Right?? I have three older kids, I’m an experienced diaper changer, and of course I would offer to do this for someone. Do I want to change a diaper? Hell no. Especially someone else’s kid. The second I was told no I would pat myself on the back for attempting to be a nice person and be super happy they didn’t take me up on being that nice person lmao. Funny side note- my husband and I had to watch his newborn nephew when SIL needed to be taken to hospital for issues with her c section incision. Our oldest was like 12 at the time, so it had been a while since we had changed a diaper. You would have thought we were first timers lol. (Especially because he had been circumcised and we didn’t do that to our son- we were both kind of like how the fuck do you clean this incision?? Google was our friend). That was the day we both learned that some skills you lose over time lmao.
I can’t even help my baby sister use the bathroom in public without some people giving weird looks, no WAY am I helping or even paying attention to anyone else’s kid
Please please please look at your sweet daughter right now and know you need to trust your gut and stop talking to this guy. Just block him and never go back.
Also it’s been a week. Why waste time with someone you are already suspect of so Early on.
For me it's the insistence, plus the fact that his "reasoning" for the third time didn't even make any sense. Him knowing how to change a diaper is irrelevant to the issue of the child being clingy and easily upset.
Coming from a situation where my mom married 5 different men beginning when I was 9 until I flew the coop at 18–and most of them only knew her for less than 6 months before proposing, I would would say having misgivings and being cautious is the way to go. And yes, years of therapy have helped me tolerate life. I also say “follow your gut” and protect the baby. My mom didn’t figure that out, ever.
You’ve been dating one week and you’re introducing your child to this guy??? Heck no he shouldn’t be insisting on changing her diaper! WTH!!
Why is a guy you're sleeping with for 1 week anywhere near your baby daughter? WTH? Do not let strange men that you barely know anywhere near your child.
i have a (serious) side question: what does "talking properly" mean in the context of "we have known each other for two or three years but only recently started talking properly"? sorry. i'm old. i don't know what that means.
There’s absolutely no reason for this guy to be so insistent on changing your baby’s diaper while you’re out of the room. Someone has got to be so incredibly naive if they don’t see anything wrong with his pushiness. Good on you for not letting him touch her.
What’s weird is that he insisted when you said no. Read the book the gift of fear by Gavin DeBecker. It seems very off that you continued to say no and he insisted yes when it’s regarding your baby. No is a complete sentence. Boyfriends don’t change diapers. You’ve known him awhile.. so it’s not like you’re strangers but his behavior alarmed you enough to write this which means you dump him. Icy cold. Don’t get manipulated.
https://www.reddit.com/r/SingleParents/s/OXMfz8Dbny Some interesting details here you may want to read.
Thank you for sharing the link. It’s very eye opening. Hopefully some of the people commenting will take it seriously. This dude does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. What fucking dude insists on changing a baby girls diaper THREE times and then gets irritated when mom says no? It’s highly suspicious behavior.
If I had children I wouldn’t let ANYONE around them unsupervised. Man or woman, I don’t give a fuck.
I want to add to what everyone has said about his insistence being weird. The possibility that he took offense to your firm “No” is a red flag itself. He should understand and respect as a parent himself that protecting your child is priority #1. Trust has to be earned, and even if you fully trust him there’s always a healthy amount of caution in any good parent. It may not necessarily indicate he’s a predator, but it almost certainly indicates boundary and trust issues that shouldn’t be ignored. Trust your instincts, they’re there to protect you and your child.
No matter who the man is or how long you’ve known him, he doesn’t get access your child alone. This is a deal breaker to me that he was insistent about it. As a single mom, your baby will be a potential target of abusers. They pick you because you have a child. They seem super helpful and interested. It’s grooming. And then the unthinkable happens. Trust your gut!
Feels weird. My mom instinct says it feels weird. Listen to your gut.
It wasn’t weird at all because he’s a father. What was weird was for him to keep insisting. Even after you said she would cry if she wasn’t with you. Plus in reality it doesn’t matter how long you’ve “known of” this man. You’ve only known him a week and he wants to be official and change your daughter’s diaper. Red flag for me.
Why are you letting this guy meet your kid after one week? As a mom, I'd never do that.
Yes, that is weird. I am most concerned that he persisted and that is hella creepy.
Why are you letting men you’ve only dated a week around your baby???? What the fuck?
Immediately NO. The fact that you he insisted enough that your internal alert system was activated is a sign, and your maternal instincts kicking in. Is he really worth sticking around long enough to find out? Best case scenario, he is completely clueless about the sinister motivations of others, and even that is concerning. Every gentleman I’ve ever come across has been hyper aware of the threat that can inherently be perceived simply because they are male and operate in consideration of this. Knowing him for 3 years means nothing. Most groomers are in it for the long haul and don’t mind playing the long game to have access to those they wish to abuse.
OMG This gives me the creeps! Offering was totally fine. But INSISTING?! And saying you need to leave the room while he does it?! NO NO NO.
Super weird and I say this as a father. TRUST YOUR GUT. I didn’t let my partner meet my kids until we had been dating 6 months. She’s never changed a diaper (not her job) but the insisting is just weird. Run run run for your children’s sake. A 1 week relationship isn’t even worth the risk. This guy is no one to you.
Yikes on so many bikes, so many commenters here would unintentionally leave their child with a predator because they want to give people the benefit of a doubt. It does not matter the culture. If it’s patriarchal, do not leave your babies alone with an adult man. Especially if he didn’t accept “no” the first time. I’m a single mom. We don’t need to accept that kind of help from brand new boyfriends. They can offer to help in other ways, slowly, over time, after proving they’re not creeps.
His insistence makes me real nervous. If you’re introducing a boyfriend of a week to your infant child makes me think you’re not the best judge of character. Slow your roll, OP.
Per the comments, this could go either way. If it were me, next time he offers, I’d say something like, “Hey, thanks for your offer, I really appreciate that as my partner, you want to help me with baby. I just don’t feel that we know each other well enough yet to take on any tasks of caring for each other’s children.” His reaction to that will tell you very clearly exactly what you need to know.
Why is a boyfriend of only 1 week hanging around your child? Yeah, I don't care if you know of him before y'all started dating.
I was misreading for a moment. It would be all good if if was your husband, father of the child. But a boyfriend of 1 week? Hell no ...
I feel like the whole exchange was awkward. He clearly wanted to show you he can do the “dad” thing and you clearly weren’t comfortable. You’ve known each other a few years? But how well did you know each other? I’d like to chalk this up to an awkward experience, but you know him better than me.
Wondering why you’re introducing a man you’ve only dated for a week to your infant daughter. That’s the biggest red flag in this post tbh. With that kind of judgment I can only imagine what you’ll be exposing her to whether Josh is in the picture or not. I’m a single mom and didn’t start dating until my daughter was six. I will never introduce her to someone unless we’ve been together for nearly a year, background checks have been run, etc. Even then, she’ll never be around them without me in the room. You’re a mom. Act like it.
Middle aged grandmother here…. You’re seeing a dude for ONE WEEK and you’re bringing your baby around him and WANTS TO CHANGE HER DIAPER??? You ain’t gonna like this but someone needs to say it… Don’t bring your kids around a man for a long time. And men who offer to change a baby he’s never met before is a major red flag. They always groom the family before the child…he knows you’re a tired single mom. And of all the things he could offer to help with…He wants to get your baby’s diaper off! Stop worrying about getting you a man right now..the fact that you had to write in to Reddit to ask if this is problematic tells me you aren’t capable of making good choices right now.
Major red flags
Number one risk for daughters in our world is non-related males in their lives. They are the #1 contributor to molestation, abuse, murder… mom should NOT leave her baby girl alone with her new boyfriend EVER.
I swear to god we are the only mammals on the planet that ignore our instincts out of fear of hurting feelings. Who CARES if you were an asshole. You were protecting your child from probable sexual abuse. You should just tell him point blank that you are not comfortable with him changing your child’s diaper. Period. Don’t apologize. Don’t make excuses of her being clingy. If he flips, there’s your answer.
*first of all why are you letting your boyfriend around your daughter after 1 week of dating*
Why do you have this man around your daughter after 1 week? That's what's weird. Do better
Going to echo the other folks here. The offer isn’t weird, but the insistence is weird. Unless he has something like autism where he literally doesn’t understand certain social cues
"No" isnt a social cue, its a statement. Autistuc or not its not ok to ignore peoples directly stated wishes. If he hasnt learned by his 30s how to repond to a no, thats a huge red flag.
As a trauma therapist, my alarm bells are ringing.
What’s weird is you have your boyfriend of one week anywhere near your child!
His insistence is what made it super weird. It’s good you stood your ground and made sure your daughter is safe. Friends and even some family sadly cannot be trusted fully most of the time with children. He could’ve just been insisting because he took offense thinking you don’t trust him, but it is still rather strange and better off that you did not let him.
The weird thing here is that your boyfriend has met your daughter already after 1 week.
Can't really say without actually knowing the guy, but I'm a single mom of two daughters and I was always careful when dating. A man who I've been dating for a week wouldn't even meet my kids. You've known him for years so it's different. If you feel uncomfortable, go with your gut on this. At the same time, you should explain to him that it's going to take time for you to trust him completely. Going to be an awkward conversation though.
The children of single mothers are something like 400% more likely to be abused. My fiance didn't meet my son until nearly 6 months and my son was 13 at the time.
I was a single parent. My child (now an adult) was never around my dates or even met my dates until after the relationship survived at least 6 months (sometimes more!) and there were just a few of those. Protect that beautiful young lady, keep your adorable baby away from your dates! You don't know anything about anybody after only a week!
I think it’s a nice gesture to offer, or at least it would have been if he weren’t so insistent. That is… really weird. I’d be careful around this guy op. Watch him closely
It’s sad that life is like this. But it is. It’s not like leaving your purse in the room. This is your child. I could maybe see it if you were in direct view of the diaper change, taking a break and he was helping you out. Maybe. But no. Better to err on the side of caution. And a good man will understand. He won’t like it, but he’ll understand.
It's as off as you having your brand new boyfriend around your kid.