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Eating disorder - amongst other things. This guy is literally suggesting they go without food instead of his wife getting a job. Sounds like abuse to me.
She’s BREASTFEEDING, ffs 😡😡😡. Her body is feeding a child. If she doesn’t get enough nutrients from food then her body will use her nutrient reserves to go into the milk. This guy is either an idiot or has a psychiatric disorder.
I make my boyfriend do this and he does not understand why. I also force him to have control over the light bill at the very least. I’m the main earner and control most of the finances because I love working and am very good at it. He wants to merge accounts but I’ve been in an abusive relationship and dude left me and our newborn homeless for 6 months. Thankfully I had a strong community show up in my life to help us get on our feet. My thought is, what if I die, or have some weird mental snap one day, and become abusive/controlling myself? What if he wants to break up, but doesn’t feel that he can, because I’m the main breadwinner, and the one who controls most of the finances? He needs, some sort of independent income, for both his own sense of independence/sanity/security and mine. He’s slowly, starting to see the benefits of it, as he’s building up his savings, and doesn’t have to ask me, about small-moderate expenditures anymore. He’s now, trying to secretly (he sucks at keeping secrets but I’m just gonna act surprised if he gives away the proposal lol), save up for an engagement ring, and never would’ve been able to even attempt it, had I not, made him get his own account and income. I’m really proud of him, for trying it, even tho he thought, that it was silly.
I'm curious, how'd he give away the engagement ring savings thing? It sounds like a cute story so I want details if you're willing to share how you caught him out (even if he doesn't know you did)
Haha he’s constantly looking at rings while sitting right beside me and forgets to hide his phone and then he checks his banking app almost directly after he finds a ring that he likes. He isn’t the best at being sneaky but I love that he’s trying all the same.
I don’t disagree, but she’s still breastfeeding. Which means there’s high chance that they’ll need to pay for childcare so she can work, and that can easily cost the same or more than what her take home would be (depending on her career prospects).
Yeah, definitely agreed. OP, seriously at the very least find something you can work from home with it direct depositing into your own account so if your husband just decides to not allow you access to money to get food you can still buy food. Starvation is not an option OP. Please find something.
Get a part time job, so that you can still spend time with your kid, but contribute more financially…. Tell him it doesn’t matter what he says or think, if the condition is dire enough to skip meals, then it’s worth having a job that will earn atleast couple hundred bucks per week that will cover the groceries
Yeah and when he says, who will take care of baby while you work, let him know that's why you'll be getting a part-time job for when he's home so he can parent his son while you are at work. OP, sock away some money for a savings fund too from your pt job.
Exactly. If she really fears this (if he's got viciousness behind his eyes when he's doing this), then she needs to handle it differently.
But she says everything else is fine and it's just these comments that are triggering.
If he doesn't feed hungry Baby (with pumped milk or formula) he's in for a rough few hours.
But the baby is 10 months old - probably won't be breastfeeding all that much longer (and should be going a long time in between milk feedings, and eating some regular food.
I never understand when people say a part time job won’t help (not aiming this at OP but the husband). I worked at restaurants as a server and we had tons of moms who would work 2 shifts a week and make $200-400 a week. Like that pays groceries and maybe an activity to do with the kid or if she needs something personal. To me any bit counts and as long as it doesn’t require paying someone to watch your kid then I don’t see why you wouldn’t want them to.
It's shocking how a little more makes a huge difference. It doesn't help though if your husband needs special things for the days you work. My ex wanted me to pick up a pizza on those nights which pretty much defeated me working. It was nice to get out of the house and be part of society.
If her husband works Monday to Friday days, she could work a few evenings a week or on weekends. She can work when her husband is off. He should be perfectly capable of caring for his own child.
It’s not rare- a lot of people work opposite shifts to reduce or eliminate the costs of childcare.
It could be tough without transportation, or the skills for a remote job
Yeah I never made enough when I worked part time. I was working to be poor and spend all my money on daycare so I could work and be poor. I had to work crazy hours to afford it and never spend time with my kids. She's got a husband tho. I didn't have one of those.
That’s not the situation I’m talking about though. I specifically said it makes sense IF you don’t need to worry about paying someone to watch your kid. OP has a husband and if she got a part time job twice a week when he isn’t working then he would watch the kid/kids. I totally agree there isn’t a point in a part time job if you end up giving all of the money to a babysitter. I know the job market is tough especially for part time jobs, but coming from the restaurant industry, they are always hiring.
I’m just saying I never understand when people say a part time job is pointless if they can make a couple hundred a week and don’t need to worry about childcare costs. It for sure helps.
Everyone has childcare during the time their spouse isn't working, in a two parent home.
Only it's not called childcare, of course. It's called parenting and family life.
Depends on where they live - lots of places hiring where I am (California).
My SIL got a job at a daycare that offers childcare. The contract for women with children is that you have to be there so many months before you get it free for your kids but it’s partially discounted until then. It’s decent money, good hours, good structure for the kid. She’s paid enough to pay for the daycare and have money leftover. It’s not glamorous by any means or stretch of the imagination but it works in this situation and she’s happy
A dynamic I see in my own marriage is that when my husband is very anxious, instead of managing his feelings he wants to manage me. Once I became aware of this I was able to say "not cool, this isn't about X, this is about your fears of Y and I can't help you with that." He was willing to listen and change; of course no one is perfect and he slips into this sometimes, but is pretty quick to notice and back off. I hope your husband can do the same. I also agree with everyone saying you need more of your own financial independence. Because food is so expensive, you know.
"I understand you're stressed, but joking about going hungry isn't helpful or funny. Are you actually serious?"
Followed up by a plan that reduces food costs. Eating rice and beans. Buying bulk. Babies can eat rice too. So rice, milk and beans. Milk will be the more expensive item.
I bet they can afford that, as they are currently still eating.
Baby is breastfeeding , this is more about making the mom not eat as much but since she is the one making the milk, she needs as much nutrition as possible.
I always get stuck on the fence of not being sure if they're refusing to see it or if I'm just not presenting it well enough. I just wish there was a more obvious line where you could say okay I've tried this many times that means they won't improve and I can leave without feeling like I might be giving up in someone
Unless they have legit reasons where understanding things is a problem for them, then no, they are choosing not to understand so that they don't have to be accountable.
They're refusing to see. Thinking that if you just explained a little better is hoping against all evidence, and what keeps people in dysfunctional relationships.
That said some people are otherwise decent but have really fucking weird blind spots. Someone like this, you can establish a boundary firmly, so instead of trying to explain, you go "this is unacceptable to me and not something I want to deal with; if you continue I will [leave the room/hang up/whatever]." If they're actually decent folks prone to the occasional brain fart and not human arsewipes, they'll accept that.
The important thing, I think, is that people don't have to understand you or your motivations, but they do have to respect you and your clearly stated boundaries.
My first thought also, he’s frustrated and frightened. My partner and I come from different upbringings so I had to really think about where he’s coming from, like I’ve never been hungry- never, however he’s experienced hunger like you. As the person that hasn’t had issues with having food to eat I have to remind myself now and again that food is a deep concern for him. Maybe catch him when he’s relaxed and explain how this affects your whole being, throw in some analogies that highlight his concerns. Offer to go over the budget with him ( acknowledging his concern?). My analogy would be, hey, I know you’re afraid of dogs/ heights/ germs- then show how you treat those issues differently even though you don’t have concerns about them yourself
I agree, I think he’s communicating his fear rather than genuinely expecting OP to go without food. Doesn’t make it easier to live with, but I do think it’s more likely to be resolvable (if that’s a word!). Nobody should be with someone who is genuinely ok with them not eating, especially when breastfeeding, but finding different ways for him to express his fears should be straightforward IF he will listen.
Frankly, I’d start working towards financial independence from him. The shit he’s telling you is emotionally abusive, and at the moment you’ve painted yourself into a corner by being 100% financially dependent on him.
My wife has a couple of emotional vulnerabilities from emotionally abusive parents. A good partner will lean in to making sure those vulnerabilities are addressed and supported. Whatever the reason, this clown is doing the opposite.
My husband knows my history of surviving a failed marriage that was both emotionally and physically abusive. He is SUPER aware of his tone, what he says, and even what he does. I’ve not had a negative reaction towards him at any point and the other day he expressed his concerns about rubbing my neck cause he’s always scared it’ll be triggering for me. It’s something I’ve never even thought about at any point with him because he’s made it a point our whole entire relationship to make me feel safe and loved. I’ve never had even a slight concern with him. I didn’t even realize he was thinking about it. It’s never crossed my mind. He’s never even so much as called me a name or raised his voice unless it was to get my attention cause I was potentially in danger (currently pregnant and he didn’t like our cows body language after she just had her first baby so he was yelling at me to back away slowly). He’s supposed to be your safe place. I’m sorry he’s failing at this.
On mobile so pls forgive my formatting lol
"he doesn't think it would help much" is a complete lie. If the issue is money, another income would 100% help. Unfortunately a lot of men struggle to accept that they can't financially provide for the entire family on their own. To him, it's likely bruising his ego every time money gets tight because it's currently entirely on *him* to make enough money for his wife & child. It's heartbreaking but we are just not in an economy to have this mindset anymore. Men are definitely not less-than just because their partner also has to provide an income for the family.
Maybe you could job hunt for part-time work, and show him with a chart or spreadsheet or something to physically prove that a little more income will help.
But if he keeps having the mindset that it should all be entirely on him, remind him you guys are a TEAM and should be approaching this as a team. He should be open to help from his wife and if he's not then you guys have a bigger problem than just "let's starve to save money" comments.
Another income will only help if you make more than it costs to pay the babysitter, or you can work with the baby.
For example, the babysitters in my area *start* at $20/hr, and basic retail which pretty much all i am currently qualified for pays $16. My last job landscaping paid $17. The florist before that paid $15.
So unless I found the time to hunt for a unicorn job at my skill level, it would cost us about $4/hr for me to work.
Why does she need a babysitter? I bet her husband has weekends off. Lots of part time job shifts at night and on weekends.
That's what people on the poverty line do. About half of my students are doing this (going to school at night because...childcare is expensive).
If OP enrolled in a community college, she would likely get free tuition and very possibly free childcare (and could have a student job - where I work, those pay $16 an hour, positions are almost always available). Example: Staff a booth with registration materials from 7-10 while kid is in college daycare then attend class from 10-1. Saturday work is also available, so it comes out to 800-1000 a month. With no childcare costs AND the advantage of gaining employable skills (including staff positions at the college which pay much more and are often flexible in terms of time - the childcare is still very low cost).
Not all CC's have this, of course.
Honestly, i would be straight up with where you're at.
This is triggering and if you love, respect and care for your partner you NEVER intentionally trigger them.
He has been told more than once, over the course of a year. Tell him that every time he says that, you lose a little bit of love and respect for him. If he would like to continue to errode your marriage with these hurtful and unhelpful comments, he can continue but the natural consequences are you will eventually fall out of love, and leave.
Make sure you're calm and don't get angry. This isn't you trying to hurt him, this is you telling him that he has nobody to blame but himself if he carries on.
If something is important to your partner and matters and you dismiss and ignore them, how can you be shocked when they've finally had enough and decide to leave?
You get one life, and at the end of it, you want to stack up happy memories, not regrets. If things don't change immediately, then it would be better to be alone than with someone so dismissive and cruel.
I like this approach. I think he's just being stupid or thinks he's funny or it's some kind response he learned in childhood.
I'd like her to say something like, "We're a long way from starving right now - but I can cut back on groceries. Should I go to the food bank?"
"Should I join that church that has free groceries for families?"
Etc.
Do you know what your finances look like?
Do you have access to ALL the bank accounts, savings accounts, retirement,credit cards, bills?
Do you have a budget that both of you follow?
I can understand being stressed about money but unless you know WHAT your financial status actually is, you are only trying to treat the symptom NOT the problem.
You are a SAHM but that doesn't mean you don’t need to know about, or have access to ALL of your households/ families financials! It may be that sticking to a strict budget could get you out of debt, or deciding to cut back on hobbies could make all the difference. But unless you know where the money is going and how much is coming in you are in the dark and he is punishing you for NOT working. It may be that you DO have to go back to work part time, or more to keep you both afloat, but until you see the full financial picture you won’t know for sure!
Yes it does seems like your husband is TRYING to set you off! He knows you grew up food insecure, and yet he continues to say these hurtful things. Tell him to stop, then sit down and make a budget you both can stick to! He needs to be told that FOOD is NOT where money gets taken from unless it is BAD! And in that case SNAP and food pantries should be utilized.
The fact that she doesn't give details about why FOOD is the target in his budget, is concerning. I'd want to know every tiny bit of budgeting.
And people saying that he needs to change to indicate he really understands...are right. And this should be the first change. She gets total transparency as to the budget - and can then sensibly argue with him. About numbers. Reasonable discussions about how to budget if things are so bad.
I do think she should ready herself for a job or find a small income stream as well.
You need a job and he needs therapy to manage you having a job and for even suggesting starving. Does he not understand how negatively that will affect the child's development?
What does it look like when you've "gotten angry" about it?
(The reason I'm asking is because often my advice with stuff like this *is* to "get angry" about it, so I'm looking for more details about how you tried that and how it wasn't effective.)
We’ve had a heated fight about it. The most recent comment was yesterday, and we’re currently in a cold war. He tried a simple “I’m sorry honey, can I rub your feet later?” But I’ve been asking him to stop for a whole year. Maybe I should give a little more & accept the apology but I’m just so fed up that it doesn’t feel like enough to me. I don’t know what I need, but it needs to just be more than that, you know?
What are things that he doesn’t want to give up? That he has anxiety about?
“Maybe you should just sell your PS5”
“Maybe you should just sell your ___”
“Maybe you should just donate plasma more”
Pick a thing you know will irk him. Every time he says something about food- respond with that. Do it over and over and over until it sinks in for him.
I agree. That's where I'd go next.
"Can we afford a multiple vitamin, because I'll need that when we switch to gruel."
Bulk walnuts are really cheap at WalMart, too. Gruel and walnuts. Pretty good diet by world standards. Heck, spaghetti is so cheap at WalMart (and tomato paste too), I'm pretty sure you could have walnut spaghetti every night.
One idea about American obesity is that our diets are too diverse in the first place. Put people on the same food every day, and yep, they don't eat as much.
“Forget about my feet. But I will now be requiring you to be the caregiver to or soon on the weekends because I’ll be needing to get a part-time job. Starvation is absolutely not an option for me. It’s a joke to you, but I’ve lived it, and it’s horrifying. This is no longer negotiable.”
Put the money into an account that is not joint.
You've said you think he has a bad relationship with food. It might be worthwhile to try to get him to explain to you where that comment comes from. In other words, when in his past has starvation been something that was encouraged or something that he actually did. What was his food situation growing up?
Because I would suspect that it's really coming from his own past baggage, and has nothing to do with you. It's still completely insensitive, mind you, but he just may need a nudge to realize the connection to his past.
was going to say this. jumping to "maybe we could just starve ourselves" is not a normal response, even if he was only speaking about himself but especially if he is encouraging others to do it. she definitely needs to get to the root of this so her child does not grow up with this mentality.
I simply cannot believe he's actually serious. It's trigger to OP - he doesn't really expect anyone to actually starve.
It sounds like maybe he thinks they're spending too much on food? Maybe certain foods?
It's the word "starvation" that seems to be trigger her, he's trying to nudge her to spend less on food, it seems to me. That's manageable without starving.
Yeah I was thinking it might be some ED issues since he skips meals himself but rereading the post I see the comments only started in the 3rd trimester of her pregnancy (who suggests starving to a person carrying your baby inside them??) so it could definitely be him taking shots at her for some reason.
sick and disturbing thing to say in any case if you ask me.
I think you need to make it clear to him that starvation should not ever be an option that you choose, and is an absolute last, LAST resort. If he is saying things like that around your child, that child is going to grow up thinking that it's normal to skip meals/not eat, and that it's normal to not take care of your basic human needs. You'd also be priming your child to develop an eating disorder as they get older, if they grow up with an unhealthy relationship with food that would be learned from your husband. Please don't do that to your child, and don't let your husband do that to your child.
You not eating means your breast feeding baby doesn't eat.
Why aren't you furious that he is suggesting you starve your baby?
This is way more serious than you want to believe. You should be going scorched earth level of rage that the father of your baby wants you both hungry.
Make him Google nutritional requirements of breastfeeding moms. Have him read the info to you. Print out if necessary. Highlight important parts.
Get a part time job, even one day or night a week. His opinion doesn’t matter, get some income for yourself, plus you need some time out of the house.
I gave some advice in a separate comment and you are already at the end games escalation phase if you asked for a year and he hasn't changed then it hasn't impacted him how important this is. At this point I advise that when he does this again everything should stop and you need to say "This is never acceptable. Never." And remove yourself and the baby. Practice in a mirror if you have to. Lower your voice to a lower register like if you were giving the stay command. Repeat. If he brings it up later ask him if he understands why this is never acceptable? If not leave again. Be otherwise pleasant but emotionally distant.
Have you actually sat down and looked at your food budget? Do both of you know how much you're spending right now?
I assume you're not close to starving. First, economize on the food, obviously. Do you do the shopping? Does your husband like anything that's not essential? Are you spending money on things you don't need to? There are entire classes where I live on how to cut grocery bills in half. I have students who feed a family of 3-4 on $50-60 a week. Food prices are indeed going up and food banks are running out of all foods by the end of the week. In my neighborhood, on [nextdoor.com](http://nextdoor.com) there are frequently offers of produce, though.
And the community colleges all have free produce (LARGE amounts - students only) once a week. Kale, broccoli, oranges, avocados sometimes, carrots, potatoes).
Food bank?
Can you start a little veg garden?
What about some pet sitting/ ironing or dog walking you can do that while pushing a pram. You can do things while doing childcare doesn’t have to be a 9-5
I'm watching one young woman make bank as a verified Amazon reviewer (took her a while to figure out which products get the most hits and sales - it's about $600 a month extra for her right now; no childcare needed).
All of these suggestions are great. There's also providing childcare for others. That's also good for Baby (to have an older kid around some). Right now our Parks and Recreation is hiring at $20 for Saturday supervision of 10 different parks where there's soccer, etc. Dad can interact with Baby.
I don’t think its easy managing a child under 1 year with other jobs… they are alot of work.. ten months they crawling and stuff so your eyes are fixed on them… maybe its just me. I struggled to do others works while looking after a child
It’s not easy. I was back hand scrubbing floors cleaning with mine after birth 3 days illegally it was exhausting but like I said could be a few hours here and there not a mad 9-5
No, it's not easy. I went back to WFH when Baby was 9 weeks old. I worked during her naps. She started crawling early (6 months) but I could still got some work done because she was so delighted cruising around (house was childproofed) and doing things like taking all the tissues out of the Kleenex box or making noise. She still liked her bouncie thing.
At night, I worked on my school work. My then-husband was a resident at a big hospital and had to work 24 hours on, 12 hours off, 2 hour round trip commute. I made his lunches. I cleaned the apartment.
It wasn't easy, but I knew what I was signing up for when I had that baby.
It's better than talking about starving.
Definitely find a way to make your own money, get a part time job, babysit, per sit anything you can do. He can watch the baby when you work. Also you can check out this cool app, Olio, where you can get free food. Also food banks might be something to look into, this is from a student who was relying on these things for a while. So keep your eyes out for stuff like that because they probably will be more than happy to help esp since you have a baby
Truthfully, you need to ask him that once your child starts transitioning to eating solids (which I kinda think your kiddo is close to that age) if he expects for his child to also skip meals to save money. If it isn't an immediate and solid no, you need to get a job asap and start securing a future for your kid and you.
The fine line to financial abuse, mental abuse and child negligence is starting to become blurry. Something is telling me that he has something hidden that you aren't aware of. You might think it's extreme to leave but this isn't about just you anymore. You have a totally helpless and defenseless child to take care of, think of them.
I know you say your husband is great and just stressed which is totally possible and believable
But just in case, if you take a really wide holistic perspective- has anything else ever felt wrong or off?
If no, then you need to set up a consequence for the next time this happens.
If yes, you need to start making your own money.
“I don’t want an apology, I want changed behavior.”
Explain to him that the awful, anxious feeling he gets when he’s worried about money, is the same awful feeling you get when he suggests skipping meals. Also tell him that your anxiety is compounded by worrying about what your child will learn about healthy food intake (spoiler alert: starvation is often linked to disordered eating and obesity later in life).
All else fails, break out the squirt bottle and treat him like an annoying cat.
Get a night job that's part-time. My son was a month old I got a night job cleaning offices that was only a 4-hour shift. I was able to start at any time after 5:00 p.m. due to the office I was cleaning needing to be closed for me to work. I breastfed my son, then went and did my cleaning and went back home in time for him to be ready to nurse again. I left a bottle of pumped milk in case he woke up while I was gone. It was also nice to get away from the house and force my hands off parent husband to do some child care.
(He called it babysitting and later we divorced, not because of that comment but because his whole attitude towards the family and his unreliability)
It is strange that his answer is to starve. You said it happend during your pregnancy, can it be a really really bad way of expressing his dislike of the changes in your body?
On an other note, if this is related to fear of lacking money, and has only appeared since you got pregnant, I think having one more mouth to feed has probably made his fear even bigger. Specially with all the things a baby needs.
Can you find a way to save money on groceries but still make sure you always have what you need? (I.e. buy in bulk and divide into portions, can your own food, buy seasonal foods only, freeze them for later, etc etc.)
You need to have a discussion with him (on a good day so his is willing to listen fully) and express to him how you feel about this. And ask why he tells you this, and how you could alleviate his fears together. Do it outside of the house, like on a walk. This way its in neutral ground and the everyday stress of running a house wont be right before you, distracting you.
I wish you the best!
You need to get a job right now. You are completely financially dependent on a man who makes comments about how you’re *wasting money by eating.* He doesn’t care how this makes you feel and refuses to listen when you try to explain. You need a job and your own resources in the event that things get worse.
this economy is not single-income friendly rn. no one should have to starve themselves in order to get by, especially not a PREGNANT OR BREASTFEEDING person?? that’s like someone who clearly needs to eat???? obviously yall situation is just not working so unless he wants to find a way to make more money you should probably look into a job of some sort:/ such a gross thing to say to someone who birthed your child imo🥲
He can’t decide for you if you’re getting a job or not. You need one because humans need food and that’s not debatable. The success of a man who thinks starvation (this means death?) is an option for anyone much less his pregnant and breastfeeding wife as well as child is debatable.
Acknowledging his stress- this seems to be a money worry rather than a food issue. Try saying- food is so expensive and I appreciate how hard you are working to support us. Every thing I eat is also feeding our baby, so I try to eat as healthy as I can and healthy food is more expensive. Is there anywhere else we can cut back to save money?
Well, the root of the issue is that he’s not able to cope with his anxiety and takes it out on you instead. Money is just the trigger. I know you’re broke but it might be worth looking into whether your husband has an EAP through his work (EAPs provide a limited number of free therapy sessions, among other services) or sliding-scale therapy. At the bare minimum he needs to check some self-help books out from the library.
No need to justify what he is saying. It is messed up. It doesn’t matter if anxiety or stress is causing him to say it. Your husband’s first reaction to money stress is that YOU should starve.
You’ve tried and tried to talk to him. He doesnt care. He’s not changing.
You need to get a job. Either this will take the financial pressure off husband and he’ll stop talking about starving OR you’ll be all set to dump his ass and support yourself.
Sounds like gallows humor. Some people find making morbid jokes relieves their stress. You've told him you don't like it so he should respect that. Tell him he needs to find something else to joke about since that is especially triggering for you.
It seems like he's having a poor understanding of the nutrition values of food. So he believes something like one meal per day is good enough and you're eating more than that. So he's trying to get you to develop his belief and value on food, while you don't believe it. So the tension will rise on this issue unless he accepts that you have your way and he has his.
> He’s fairly educated on food & nutrition, when he was younger he was a boxer.
Competitive athletes often have unhealthy relationships with food, this is even more true when there are weight classes or having low bodyfat levels is advantageous. Boxing would be considered a high risk sport for developing an eating disorder.
How involved are you in the finances? Do you want to go back to work?
So telling you to starve is probably his passive way to tell you to loose weight? Boxers starve before the matches to drop their weight to meet the qualification for a fight.
I really, really wouldn’t think so. I’m fairly small as it is, however I think you might’ve found the missing link. If he would routinely stop eating before matches, not eating would be fairly normalized.
For him it's routinely done so he has adjust to this lifestyle of eating. For you, if you attempt to do like him, hunger will strike and weaken you. You may even faint from just skipping two meals.
What an odd thing to say. Is he just anxious about money, making a comment about weight, both, or something else? Sounds like it’s about $$ and weight both.
In any event, a year is too long for a partner to continue triggering you. His unwillingness to eliminate this type of comment means some counseling for him is in order. It’s beyond unkind at this point and shows zero empathy for what you’ve suffered in the past and also reflects a strange attitude toward food.
FWIW, you can look into WIC if you are in the US, and contact social services and/or food pantries to keep the larder stocked in a healthy way for you, your child-and him.
I have a feeling your husband is drowning in debt. Telling a breastfeeding mom to not eat is seriously not ok. I'm not sure how you can get through to him but you guys need to have some serious talks that he takes seriously.
Look for a job you can do from home with your child present. Either don't bother telling him about it and just start saving money so you can contribute to the household. Or do tell him and explain that you asked him to stop suggesting you starve and that it's clear his pride is in the way and he continues to suggest this even though you've asked several times for him to stop so you've taken matters into your own hands now and will do what you can to ensure the success of your family unit.
If he says it again. Explain firmly that that type of suggestion is disgusting and you will not have it in your household. If needed, you can work opposite shifts and he can take care of baby while you work evenings. Make it work.
Apply for food stamps. Apply for WIC. Attend food banks. Look for free stuff on Facebook.
Get a job. Separate finances.
Everytime he says "starve", you say "we got this". Food insecurity is terrible, his insensitivity is terrible.
Your partner is talking about starving you and your child... That's a big deal. You need to take steps to protect yourself and your child. It's not just you anymore.
You need to get a job and figure out childcare. There’s something wrong with your husband. I wonder if your financial situation is far worse than you know .
Getting an evening/weekend job absolutely would help. I have a second job working those hours and it’s maybe 800/mo. That would cover your grocery bill, at a minimum.
Take back control. You don’t need his permission to ease household stress. Unless he’s working irregular/shift hours that make scheduling difficult.
Oh, he is taking you seriously. He keeps saying it BECAUSE it triggers you and he can't directly address the issues causeing his negative feelings. Instead, he dumps his negative feelings onto you, by saying something you find upsetting.
He is anxious about money and insecure about his ability to provide, but wants to be the sole provider. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with these conflicting feelings, so he makes remarks to trigger similar feelings in you. Once he has made you feel inadequate and insecure, he doesn't have to feel it anymore.
Sounds to me like there’s something going on in the finances that is causing him stress that he’s hiding. Asking directly would be a mistake, it seems, but I would start carefully looking around. And also, most importantly, that was a thinly veiled threat against you and your child. A reminder of control. I’m not a professional so you can take this or leave it but I have, sadly, seen this play out in the lives of too many people close to me and it starts small and ends very badly.
Early warnings are rarely heeded, I know but here’s one just because I see the same signs I’ve seen too often in the lives of women I care about: healthy fathers don’t make veiled threats against their children and would sooner die themselves rather than do anything that would harm the health or wellbeing of their child. It is healthy and normal for a man to want the best for his family and go to the utmost to seek and secure it. So if that’s not what you’re seeing in your husband, then you don’t have a good father in your home. You have a dangerous one. There are no valid excuses on this so don’t make excuses for him. Act in the interest of your extremely vulnerable child if you won’t act for yourself.
At the very least, immediately open an online bank account and start depositing small amounts in it. Do small jobs online. Walk dogs for neighbors for cash. Grocery shop for Instacart if you can. Financial independence is important just to be able to think about your future, so don’t let anyone take that from you. Do what you can to build up some money. I wouldn’t leave the baby with your husband, ever. Find out what he’s up to financially and be honest with yourself about your situation. Plan from there.
All the best to you.
I don’t think it’s about the money.
Your update adds details that are very suggestive of disordered eating, and remind me strongly of my own struggles with [orthorexia](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/what-is-orthorexia).
I also used to mask orthorexic and anorexic traits with my poverty. And I used poverty as a stick to get myself to comply with my disordered and unsustainable eating goals.
I agree. Someone made an important correlation between boxing & eating disorders that I missed, I’ve never been into sports. Is there anything that really helped you, somewhere I can start? One thing I can say for him is that, while he is generally pro-therapy, he isn’t the type to get some for himself. He was quite proud today that he’d dropped to 215lbs, and wants to lose more weight. He’s not unhealthy, but that doesn’t mean that the mentality isn’t.
As a SAHM I would be feeling really pressured by this to get a job asap. Obviously, he is feeling overwhelmed financially and feeling burdened. He is choosing a negative way to express it. Time for a good talk about financial pressure. When my babies were young, I had times I didn't work, times I worked one day a week, two days a week, etc. Whatever our finances required. There are options out there. I remember looking up domestic help in job adds. I babysat, cleaned a home, etc. Whatever it took to bring money in. I paid for Christmases and other emergencies. The only problem with this was somehow I was still expected to do all of the housework, childcare, cooking, dishes, laundry, etc., since I "only worked a few hours."
Get a job. Right now. Start saving your money so when you have enough, you can leave. This is emotional abuse and it will escalate. He’s trying to slowly ease you into this dynamic so you don’t see how truly alarming his actions are. Protect yourself and your child and make an exit plan.
Look at nanny gigs where you can bring your child, that could be a “compromise” while you plan. Get your own bank account at a different bank and deposit at least half of your earnings there. You can say you’re making less than you are and keep that account secret until it’s time to get out.
Yes, absolutely, but there is a larger issue of him not taking her seriously when she asks him to stop doing something hurtful. That is worth addressing outside this specific issue.
Time for that job you want. It will help. It will help you. It doesn’t help him. It doesn’t help his narrative that your kid “needs” you. It helps you regain financial security. Food security.
I’d ignore his resistance to you getting a job and do it anyway. I don’t know what field you were in, but there are plenty of pretty easy work from home jobs out there that may work because you can still stay home and make a little money at the same time.
You can also try local food banks or apply for food benefits.
You can’t not eat, especially if you’re breastfeeding. If that’s his only suggestion then the obvious choice is for you to go to work.
Get a job IMMEDIATELY! Do you really think it's wise to be completely dependent on anyone who thinks the solution to his financial problems is to (checks notes) starve his wife when she's pregnant and/or breastfeeding*?* Sure, it's easy to brush it off and say "oh, he's just kidding", but when people keep saying a thing, in my experience it means they kinda mean that thing.
Sit him down at the kitchen table like two adults and have a conversation.
Tell him comments anger you and you want him to stop now and for all time.
If he cannot or will not respect your wishes, then you need couples counseling, because your marriage needs communication skills.
Good luck.
Honestly, sounds like he is struggling with being the sole earner but feels intense guilt abt you going back to work. Even a part time job while he is home can help out without having to pay a sitter. Or maybe you could find a wfh opportunity?
Not sure if you’ll see this as you’ve got a lot of comments here now, but I have had some success training people to stop triggering me on similar issues. I find a really useful tactic is to share the trauma response.
So if someone makes an offhand joke about domestic violence, I would immediately and calmly say, “Oh wow. That makes me think about the time my ex slapped me in the face in front of all our friends. I feel kind of awful now thinking about that.”
It’s weird and awkward and makes everyone uncomfortable, but…that’s the point. Every time your husband mentions starving you as an option, he immediately has to think in detail about a really sad, shitty thing that happened to his wife.
In my experience it does not take long for people to start associating making those jokes with feeling shitty and uncomfortable.
Does it suck that you basically have to recreate your trigger for your husband? Yup. But that’s where we are.
“Starve yourself.”
“If that’s how you wanna die…”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“Walk to work. It’ll burn calories. Save on gas. And get your complaints about a basic human need away from me.”
“Shut up.”
No response. Leave the room/area he’s occupying.
Going to a really good marriage counselor is a must so he freaking gets it and understands. You absolutely cannot live with someone who triggers you. 🙏💕
I agree with the other commenters saying you should get a job! Or at the very least, he needs to allocate a portion, even 5% or 10% of his net paycheck, to a bank account that is 100% controlled by you and you alone. Financial security is essential to prevent a financial abuse situation. I’m not saying that your situation is financial abuse, but I am saying that having your own account will help prevent it from happening to you.
Then perhaps even if he can’t help but make starvation comments, which are insensitive at best, they may not be as triggering since you have the means to buy your own food if necessary. It’s an emergency fund for your safety, so don’t let him convince you to spend that money!
Get a job. Expeditiously. Your son is old enough for part time daycare and the socialization could benefit him anyways. You need to have your own money.
It’s not clear to me from your post if your husband is:
A - seriously (or even joke-serious) proposing that you actually go without food,
B - venting his stress with a go-to ‘bad joke’… that you find triggering & distasteful
C - or a combination of both- a passive aggressive insinuation that you specifically are consuming more family resources than you’ve earned and implying *you* are responsible for his stress, and resolving it
And your approach to resolving this would be different for each.
If it’s B, I went through something similar with food specifically with my last partner. I have a long history of disordered eating that I’ve worked through, and he had a ton of food baggage that he refused to unpack. After a lot of fighting and anger about his constant triggering comments about food, I was successful in setting a boundary. I would calmly respond to the comment acknowledging it, stating my feelings, and then if he pressed it I left the room/situation.
“I will leave the room if you continue to comment on the food I’m eating.”
“I will not discuss if a certain food is ‘good’ or ‘bad’”
“I will not acknowledge comments about the ways I feed myself”
You could try out something like “Saying or suggesting ‘starvation is an option’ makes me feel profoundly unsafe. I will leave the room when you make me feel unsafe.” Calm and straight to the point and hold it, leave him to his stressing.
That said, if you having a feeling it’s A or C, those are much more serious threats to your & your child’s safety… get a job over his objections and quietly put together an exit strategy.
Wishing you the best 🧡
I have an ex like this. He was a broken record on some topics and refused to look at the roots of why he couldn’t stop, why he couldn’t fully discuss his reasoning for continuing despite the repercussions of his actions.
This kind of behavior is destructive, and his inability to analyze it with you is dangerous. It creates an unhealthy emotional labor imbalance, plus he’s literally hurting you every time he does it. His behavior erodes trust, because it’s nonsensical on the surface, and consistently cruel.
After my breakup, when I was in a healing period, I came across info that this kind of broken record conversational style is indicative of personality disorder. My ex ticked every box for OCPD.
you need a job and he needs therapy or counseling to figure out how to manage his own stress and anxiety like an adult instead of taking it out on you. that ain’t healthy.
Reading this, edit included, it sounds like your husband is mentally unwell. His one meal a day, is it high calorie, enough to keep him nourished? It sounds like he may be developing an eating disorder or something and is projecting it.
I haven't seen this mentioned yet but maybe he has an eating disorder? When I was deep in my anorexia I would say things like this in a sort of wistful way, perhaps not even thinking about how it would affect others and without even hoping anyone would actually follow the direction (except me of course). You mention he skips meals at work, he may be just saying out loud what he wishes he could do if he lived alone and no one was watching him/he didn't have to "perform" being a normal person by eating. Of course not saying this is okay at all, but it might shed light on a motive for his comments and actions. I know I wasn't very thoughtful of others when deep in my ED
If your husband is strict on his dietary needs and considering the food he prefers is more expensive it doesn’t seem okay to say “starvation is an option”.
If your socioeconomic situation changes (ie moving states, having a baby, paying off medical bills) then it is unfortunately necessary to adjust. Buy cheaper items for your home, buy cheaper food and groceries. Focus on getting by until your financial situation improves.
Not sure how expensive day care is or what your earning potential might be but I do think a dual income household would mean less pressure on your husband to provide and more ease on you so you can all eat regularly and remain healthy.
Look up Orthorexia. My ex husband was like this and it was incredibly frustrating to live with. He now lives off of a green smoothie a day and occasionally makes lentils when our kids visit.
If you really aren’t able to afford food, there are programs to help you do that.
Have you applied for food stamps? If you make too much for those, have you tried applying for WIC? That program is especially for babies and young children and usually has less strict requirements.
This is abuse. Him knowing your background is especially nasty behavior. Keep in mind, you’re breastfeeding, so he is starving you and his child.
Please use this link to understand how to navigate this situation. [Thehotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)
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Get a job ASAP. Make sure you're financially secure.
Yeah, she def needs a job asap. She needs to get herself where she isn’t depending on him. Dude needs therapy
I think he needs to be evaluated for an eating disorder
Eating disorder - amongst other things. This guy is literally suggesting they go without food instead of his wife getting a job. Sounds like abuse to me.
She’s BREASTFEEDING, ffs 😡😡😡. Her body is feeding a child. If she doesn’t get enough nutrients from food then her body will use her nutrient reserves to go into the milk. This guy is either an idiot or has a psychiatric disorder.
Sounds like psychiatric problems to me.
Direct deposit into a separate, personal account.
I make my boyfriend do this and he does not understand why. I also force him to have control over the light bill at the very least. I’m the main earner and control most of the finances because I love working and am very good at it. He wants to merge accounts but I’ve been in an abusive relationship and dude left me and our newborn homeless for 6 months. Thankfully I had a strong community show up in my life to help us get on our feet. My thought is, what if I die, or have some weird mental snap one day, and become abusive/controlling myself? What if he wants to break up, but doesn’t feel that he can, because I’m the main breadwinner, and the one who controls most of the finances? He needs, some sort of independent income, for both his own sense of independence/sanity/security and mine. He’s slowly, starting to see the benefits of it, as he’s building up his savings, and doesn’t have to ask me, about small-moderate expenditures anymore. He’s now, trying to secretly (he sucks at keeping secrets but I’m just gonna act surprised if he gives away the proposal lol), save up for an engagement ring, and never would’ve been able to even attempt it, had I not, made him get his own account and income. I’m really proud of him, for trying it, even tho he thought, that it was silly.
I'm curious, how'd he give away the engagement ring savings thing? It sounds like a cute story so I want details if you're willing to share how you caught him out (even if he doesn't know you did)
Haha he’s constantly looking at rings while sitting right beside me and forgets to hide his phone and then he checks his banking app almost directly after he finds a ring that he likes. He isn’t the best at being sneaky but I love that he’s trying all the same.
Oh my god that's truly the cutest attempt at sneaking I've heard of all week, thank you for sharing!
Your love for commas really shines through this comment. Oh and your love for your boyfriend.
Proper punctuation is important and especially for neuro-spicy folk. I have enough love for everyone to be accommodating as it costs me nothing.
How is she supposed to do that and him not know?
she could babysit, that way she could still have her baby with her
Exactly this. She needs to work at a daycare where her son can attend.
Yup-free enrollment for a child is usually part of the package to work at a daycare
It will also help socialise the kid.
This. I wouldn’t want to be reliant on someone who thought that starving was a suitable option. No sireee! It’s insanity.
I don’t disagree, but she’s still breastfeeding. Which means there’s high chance that they’ll need to pay for childcare so she can work, and that can easily cost the same or more than what her take home would be (depending on her career prospects).
Yeah, definitely agreed. OP, seriously at the very least find something you can work from home with it direct depositing into your own account so if your husband just decides to not allow you access to money to get food you can still buy food. Starvation is not an option OP. Please find something.
Maybe a customer service rep from home or a virtual assistant, or even insurance sales or something like that.
Note: be VERY careful about insurance sales. A lot of the "agencies" are basically pseudo mlms/scammy.
Get a part time job, so that you can still spend time with your kid, but contribute more financially…. Tell him it doesn’t matter what he says or think, if the condition is dire enough to skip meals, then it’s worth having a job that will earn atleast couple hundred bucks per week that will cover the groceries
Yeah and when he says, who will take care of baby while you work, let him know that's why you'll be getting a part-time job for when he's home so he can parent his son while you are at work. OP, sock away some money for a savings fund too from your pt job.
My SIL worked at a call center a cpl nights a week so childcare was not an issue.
I think it would be good for this father to have a few hours a week of parenting.
Honestly we need to all be leaving babies alone with their fathers for a bit way, way earlier.
He might not feed the baby though. I'm worried about that 😟 Edit to add, especially if baby is breastfeeding.
If you can't trust your husband to feed your baby, you've got bigger problems and shouldn't stay with your husband!
Exactly. If she really fears this (if he's got viciousness behind his eyes when he's doing this), then she needs to handle it differently. But she says everything else is fine and it's just these comments that are triggering.
A lot of victims claim things are fine when they aren't remotely so.
Absolutely this.
If he doesn't feed hungry Baby (with pumped milk or formula) he's in for a rough few hours. But the baby is 10 months old - probably won't be breastfeeding all that much longer (and should be going a long time in between milk feedings, and eating some regular food.
"if he doesn't feed baby"- I mean ofc you're right but that sentence should also always end in 'he needs to get the fuck away from this child'
>he can parent his son That'll be the subject of the next post, I fear.
I never understand when people say a part time job won’t help (not aiming this at OP but the husband). I worked at restaurants as a server and we had tons of moms who would work 2 shifts a week and make $200-400 a week. Like that pays groceries and maybe an activity to do with the kid or if she needs something personal. To me any bit counts and as long as it doesn’t require paying someone to watch your kid then I don’t see why you wouldn’t want them to.
He says it won't help because he doesn't want to have to deal with his kids.
Or he doesn't like the idea of her fraternizing with co-workers or building up her own job contacts and job security.
Bingo!!
It also helps by having a fresh line on your resume which makes it easier to find another job. She could also ask for more shifts if needed
Also by getting to know other people who may have a lead to another, better job.
It's shocking how a little more makes a huge difference. It doesn't help though if your husband needs special things for the days you work. My ex wanted me to pick up a pizza on those nights which pretty much defeated me working. It was nice to get out of the house and be part of society.
Not everyone has child care. And a part-time job, it's rare to be able to afford it or even find it
Right, it only "wouldn't help" if he refuses to watch the kid while she works.
I imagine that is probably the real reason OP’s husband says it wouldn’t help.
He'd rather they all go hungry than take care of his kid a bit. OP you cannot rely on this man to provide for you and your kids.
If her husband works Monday to Friday days, she could work a few evenings a week or on weekends. She can work when her husband is off. He should be perfectly capable of caring for his own child.
He should be, but remember this is the dude who’s suggesting starving to make up a shortfall in money…
It’s not rare- a lot of people work opposite shifts to reduce or eliminate the costs of childcare. It could be tough without transportation, or the skills for a remote job
Yeah I never made enough when I worked part time. I was working to be poor and spend all my money on daycare so I could work and be poor. I had to work crazy hours to afford it and never spend time with my kids. She's got a husband tho. I didn't have one of those.
That’s not the situation I’m talking about though. I specifically said it makes sense IF you don’t need to worry about paying someone to watch your kid. OP has a husband and if she got a part time job twice a week when he isn’t working then he would watch the kid/kids. I totally agree there isn’t a point in a part time job if you end up giving all of the money to a babysitter. I know the job market is tough especially for part time jobs, but coming from the restaurant industry, they are always hiring. I’m just saying I never understand when people say a part time job is pointless if they can make a couple hundred a week and don’t need to worry about childcare costs. It for sure helps.
Everyone has childcare during the time their spouse isn't working, in a two parent home. Only it's not called childcare, of course. It's called parenting and family life. Depends on where they live - lots of places hiring where I am (California).
He says it to keep her trapped so she will keep being dependent on him.
My SIL got a job at a daycare that offers childcare. The contract for women with children is that you have to be there so many months before you get it free for your kids but it’s partially discounted until then. It’s decent money, good hours, good structure for the kid. She’s paid enough to pay for the daycare and have money leftover. It’s not glamorous by any means or stretch of the imagination but it works in this situation and she’s happy
Honestly, this. If its bad enough that skipping food is a legit consideration then you need more money coming in which means a part time job.
A dynamic I see in my own marriage is that when my husband is very anxious, instead of managing his feelings he wants to manage me. Once I became aware of this I was able to say "not cool, this isn't about X, this is about your fears of Y and I can't help you with that." He was willing to listen and change; of course no one is perfect and he slips into this sometimes, but is pretty quick to notice and back off. I hope your husband can do the same. I also agree with everyone saying you need more of your own financial independence. Because food is so expensive, you know.
Wow. Thank you for that comment, personally. Much to think on. Your comment has has literally just changed something in me. Thank you. X
I say this to my partner as well. I understand you are stressed, but I am not here to be your verbal target. It seems to mellow him out as well.
"I understand you're stressed, but joking about going hungry isn't helpful or funny. Are you actually serious?" Followed up by a plan that reduces food costs. Eating rice and beans. Buying bulk. Babies can eat rice too. So rice, milk and beans. Milk will be the more expensive item. I bet they can afford that, as they are currently still eating.
Baby is breastfeeding , this is more about making the mom not eat as much but since she is the one making the milk, she needs as much nutrition as possible.
That has been my experience as well but my exes weren't willing to see what they were doing.
I always get stuck on the fence of not being sure if they're refusing to see it or if I'm just not presenting it well enough. I just wish there was a more obvious line where you could say okay I've tried this many times that means they won't improve and I can leave without feeling like I might be giving up in someone
Unless they have legit reasons where understanding things is a problem for them, then no, they are choosing not to understand so that they don't have to be accountable.
They're refusing to see. Thinking that if you just explained a little better is hoping against all evidence, and what keeps people in dysfunctional relationships. That said some people are otherwise decent but have really fucking weird blind spots. Someone like this, you can establish a boundary firmly, so instead of trying to explain, you go "this is unacceptable to me and not something I want to deal with; if you continue I will [leave the room/hang up/whatever]." If they're actually decent folks prone to the occasional brain fart and not human arsewipes, they'll accept that. The important thing, I think, is that people don't have to understand you or your motivations, but they do have to respect you and your clearly stated boundaries.
My first thought also, he’s frustrated and frightened. My partner and I come from different upbringings so I had to really think about where he’s coming from, like I’ve never been hungry- never, however he’s experienced hunger like you. As the person that hasn’t had issues with having food to eat I have to remind myself now and again that food is a deep concern for him. Maybe catch him when he’s relaxed and explain how this affects your whole being, throw in some analogies that highlight his concerns. Offer to go over the budget with him ( acknowledging his concern?). My analogy would be, hey, I know you’re afraid of dogs/ heights/ germs- then show how you treat those issues differently even though you don’t have concerns about them yourself
I agree, I think he’s communicating his fear rather than genuinely expecting OP to go without food. Doesn’t make it easier to live with, but I do think it’s more likely to be resolvable (if that’s a word!). Nobody should be with someone who is genuinely ok with them not eating, especially when breastfeeding, but finding different ways for him to express his fears should be straightforward IF he will listen.
Frankly, I’d start working towards financial independence from him. The shit he’s telling you is emotionally abusive, and at the moment you’ve painted yourself into a corner by being 100% financially dependent on him. My wife has a couple of emotional vulnerabilities from emotionally abusive parents. A good partner will lean in to making sure those vulnerabilities are addressed and supported. Whatever the reason, this clown is doing the opposite.
My husband knows my history of surviving a failed marriage that was both emotionally and physically abusive. He is SUPER aware of his tone, what he says, and even what he does. I’ve not had a negative reaction towards him at any point and the other day he expressed his concerns about rubbing my neck cause he’s always scared it’ll be triggering for me. It’s something I’ve never even thought about at any point with him because he’s made it a point our whole entire relationship to make me feel safe and loved. I’ve never had even a slight concern with him. I didn’t even realize he was thinking about it. It’s never crossed my mind. He’s never even so much as called me a name or raised his voice unless it was to get my attention cause I was potentially in danger (currently pregnant and he didn’t like our cows body language after she just had her first baby so he was yelling at me to back away slowly). He’s supposed to be your safe place. I’m sorry he’s failing at this.
Your husband sounds so lovely. Happy for yoy
On mobile so pls forgive my formatting lol "he doesn't think it would help much" is a complete lie. If the issue is money, another income would 100% help. Unfortunately a lot of men struggle to accept that they can't financially provide for the entire family on their own. To him, it's likely bruising his ego every time money gets tight because it's currently entirely on *him* to make enough money for his wife & child. It's heartbreaking but we are just not in an economy to have this mindset anymore. Men are definitely not less-than just because their partner also has to provide an income for the family. Maybe you could job hunt for part-time work, and show him with a chart or spreadsheet or something to physically prove that a little more income will help. But if he keeps having the mindset that it should all be entirely on him, remind him you guys are a TEAM and should be approaching this as a team. He should be open to help from his wife and if he's not then you guys have a bigger problem than just "let's starve to save money" comments.
Another income will only help if you make more than it costs to pay the babysitter, or you can work with the baby. For example, the babysitters in my area *start* at $20/hr, and basic retail which pretty much all i am currently qualified for pays $16. My last job landscaping paid $17. The florist before that paid $15. So unless I found the time to hunt for a unicorn job at my skill level, it would cost us about $4/hr for me to work.
Why does she need a babysitter? I bet her husband has weekends off. Lots of part time job shifts at night and on weekends. That's what people on the poverty line do. About half of my students are doing this (going to school at night because...childcare is expensive). If OP enrolled in a community college, she would likely get free tuition and very possibly free childcare (and could have a student job - where I work, those pay $16 an hour, positions are almost always available). Example: Staff a booth with registration materials from 7-10 while kid is in college daycare then attend class from 10-1. Saturday work is also available, so it comes out to 800-1000 a month. With no childcare costs AND the advantage of gaining employable skills (including staff positions at the college which pay much more and are often flexible in terms of time - the childcare is still very low cost). Not all CC's have this, of course.
Can she not work whilst her husband is at home?
They can work opposite shifts. It's not rocket science.
Honestly, i would be straight up with where you're at. This is triggering and if you love, respect and care for your partner you NEVER intentionally trigger them. He has been told more than once, over the course of a year. Tell him that every time he says that, you lose a little bit of love and respect for him. If he would like to continue to errode your marriage with these hurtful and unhelpful comments, he can continue but the natural consequences are you will eventually fall out of love, and leave. Make sure you're calm and don't get angry. This isn't you trying to hurt him, this is you telling him that he has nobody to blame but himself if he carries on. If something is important to your partner and matters and you dismiss and ignore them, how can you be shocked when they've finally had enough and decide to leave? You get one life, and at the end of it, you want to stack up happy memories, not regrets. If things don't change immediately, then it would be better to be alone than with someone so dismissive and cruel.
I like this approach. I think he's just being stupid or thinks he's funny or it's some kind response he learned in childhood. I'd like her to say something like, "We're a long way from starving right now - but I can cut back on groceries. Should I go to the food bank?" "Should I join that church that has free groceries for families?" Etc.
Do you know what your finances look like? Do you have access to ALL the bank accounts, savings accounts, retirement,credit cards, bills? Do you have a budget that both of you follow? I can understand being stressed about money but unless you know WHAT your financial status actually is, you are only trying to treat the symptom NOT the problem. You are a SAHM but that doesn't mean you don’t need to know about, or have access to ALL of your households/ families financials! It may be that sticking to a strict budget could get you out of debt, or deciding to cut back on hobbies could make all the difference. But unless you know where the money is going and how much is coming in you are in the dark and he is punishing you for NOT working. It may be that you DO have to go back to work part time, or more to keep you both afloat, but until you see the full financial picture you won’t know for sure! Yes it does seems like your husband is TRYING to set you off! He knows you grew up food insecure, and yet he continues to say these hurtful things. Tell him to stop, then sit down and make a budget you both can stick to! He needs to be told that FOOD is NOT where money gets taken from unless it is BAD! And in that case SNAP and food pantries should be utilized.
The fact that she doesn't give details about why FOOD is the target in his budget, is concerning. I'd want to know every tiny bit of budgeting. And people saying that he needs to change to indicate he really understands...are right. And this should be the first change. She gets total transparency as to the budget - and can then sensibly argue with him. About numbers. Reasonable discussions about how to budget if things are so bad. I do think she should ready herself for a job or find a small income stream as well.
You need a job and he needs therapy to manage you having a job and for even suggesting starving. Does he not understand how negatively that will affect the child's development?
Clearly he does not GAF
What does it look like when you've "gotten angry" about it? (The reason I'm asking is because often my advice with stuff like this *is* to "get angry" about it, so I'm looking for more details about how you tried that and how it wasn't effective.)
We’ve had a heated fight about it. The most recent comment was yesterday, and we’re currently in a cold war. He tried a simple “I’m sorry honey, can I rub your feet later?” But I’ve been asking him to stop for a whole year. Maybe I should give a little more & accept the apology but I’m just so fed up that it doesn’t feel like enough to me. I don’t know what I need, but it needs to just be more than that, you know?
It's not a real apology if it is not accompanied by changed behavior. It's a placating maneuver to get you to stop talking about it.
This!!! Bingo!
"I'm sorry honey, can I rub your feet later?" "You can never say that again. That will show you're sorry."
Maybe if he added, and then I'll go out and buy groceries for a month that you can be in charge of.
What are things that he doesn’t want to give up? That he has anxiety about? “Maybe you should just sell your PS5” “Maybe you should just sell your ___” “Maybe you should just donate plasma more” Pick a thing you know will irk him. Every time he says something about food- respond with that. Do it over and over and over until it sinks in for him.
These are great for the snarky funny stage of setting the firm boundaries
I agree. That's where I'd go next. "Can we afford a multiple vitamin, because I'll need that when we switch to gruel." Bulk walnuts are really cheap at WalMart, too. Gruel and walnuts. Pretty good diet by world standards. Heck, spaghetti is so cheap at WalMart (and tomato paste too), I'm pretty sure you could have walnut spaghetti every night. One idea about American obesity is that our diets are too diverse in the first place. Put people on the same food every day, and yep, they don't eat as much.
He could get a second job. Or reevaluate his life choices that led to an income that isn’t enough to support your pregnant wife and newborn!
“Forget about my feet. But I will now be requiring you to be the caregiver to or soon on the weekends because I’ll be needing to get a part-time job. Starvation is absolutely not an option for me. It’s a joke to you, but I’ve lived it, and it’s horrifying. This is no longer negotiable.” Put the money into an account that is not joint.
Don't accept an apology that doesn't come with what he's done to address his behavior. "I'll try harder" is not a plan.
You've said you think he has a bad relationship with food. It might be worthwhile to try to get him to explain to you where that comment comes from. In other words, when in his past has starvation been something that was encouraged or something that he actually did. What was his food situation growing up? Because I would suspect that it's really coming from his own past baggage, and has nothing to do with you. It's still completely insensitive, mind you, but he just may need a nudge to realize the connection to his past.
I was wondering as well if the husband might have an eating disorder. Restrictive eating only "pure" foods might be signs of orthorexia.
was going to say this. jumping to "maybe we could just starve ourselves" is not a normal response, even if he was only speaking about himself but especially if he is encouraging others to do it. she definitely needs to get to the root of this so her child does not grow up with this mentality.
I simply cannot believe he's actually serious. It's trigger to OP - he doesn't really expect anyone to actually starve. It sounds like maybe he thinks they're spending too much on food? Maybe certain foods? It's the word "starvation" that seems to be trigger her, he's trying to nudge her to spend less on food, it seems to me. That's manageable without starving.
Yeah I was thinking it might be some ED issues since he skips meals himself but rereading the post I see the comments only started in the 3rd trimester of her pregnancy (who suggests starving to a person carrying your baby inside them??) so it could definitely be him taking shots at her for some reason. sick and disturbing thing to say in any case if you ask me.
An apology without change means nothing. Say that to him every time he 'apologies'.
I think you need to make it clear to him that starvation should not ever be an option that you choose, and is an absolute last, LAST resort. If he is saying things like that around your child, that child is going to grow up thinking that it's normal to skip meals/not eat, and that it's normal to not take care of your basic human needs. You'd also be priming your child to develop an eating disorder as they get older, if they grow up with an unhealthy relationship with food that would be learned from your husband. Please don't do that to your child, and don't let your husband do that to your child.
You not eating means your breast feeding baby doesn't eat. Why aren't you furious that he is suggesting you starve your baby? This is way more serious than you want to believe. You should be going scorched earth level of rage that the father of your baby wants you both hungry.
Make him Google nutritional requirements of breastfeeding moms. Have him read the info to you. Print out if necessary. Highlight important parts. Get a part time job, even one day or night a week. His opinion doesn’t matter, get some income for yourself, plus you need some time out of the house.
I gave some advice in a separate comment and you are already at the end games escalation phase if you asked for a year and he hasn't changed then it hasn't impacted him how important this is. At this point I advise that when he does this again everything should stop and you need to say "This is never acceptable. Never." And remove yourself and the baby. Practice in a mirror if you have to. Lower your voice to a lower register like if you were giving the stay command. Repeat. If he brings it up later ask him if he understands why this is never acceptable? If not leave again. Be otherwise pleasant but emotionally distant.
Apologies require action in the form of change, without that, they are worthless. He hasn't apologized properly because there is no change.
Have you actually sat down and looked at your food budget? Do both of you know how much you're spending right now? I assume you're not close to starving. First, economize on the food, obviously. Do you do the shopping? Does your husband like anything that's not essential? Are you spending money on things you don't need to? There are entire classes where I live on how to cut grocery bills in half. I have students who feed a family of 3-4 on $50-60 a week. Food prices are indeed going up and food banks are running out of all foods by the end of the week. In my neighborhood, on [nextdoor.com](http://nextdoor.com) there are frequently offers of produce, though. And the community colleges all have free produce (LARGE amounts - students only) once a week. Kale, broccoli, oranges, avocados sometimes, carrots, potatoes).
Food bank? Can you start a little veg garden? What about some pet sitting/ ironing or dog walking you can do that while pushing a pram. You can do things while doing childcare doesn’t have to be a 9-5
Remote call center work, data entry, Amazon help center
I'm watching one young woman make bank as a verified Amazon reviewer (took her a while to figure out which products get the most hits and sales - it's about $600 a month extra for her right now; no childcare needed). All of these suggestions are great. There's also providing childcare for others. That's also good for Baby (to have an older kid around some). Right now our Parks and Recreation is hiring at $20 for Saturday supervision of 10 different parks where there's soccer, etc. Dad can interact with Baby.
Tell me more about the Amazon thing, people get paid to leave verified reviews?
I don’t think its easy managing a child under 1 year with other jobs… they are alot of work.. ten months they crawling and stuff so your eyes are fixed on them… maybe its just me. I struggled to do others works while looking after a child
It’s not easy. I was back hand scrubbing floors cleaning with mine after birth 3 days illegally it was exhausting but like I said could be a few hours here and there not a mad 9-5
No, it's not easy. I went back to WFH when Baby was 9 weeks old. I worked during her naps. She started crawling early (6 months) but I could still got some work done because she was so delighted cruising around (house was childproofed) and doing things like taking all the tissues out of the Kleenex box or making noise. She still liked her bouncie thing. At night, I worked on my school work. My then-husband was a resident at a big hospital and had to work 24 hours on, 12 hours off, 2 hour round trip commute. I made his lunches. I cleaned the apartment. It wasn't easy, but I knew what I was signing up for when I had that baby. It's better than talking about starving.
True… you a hard worker🙂… your family is lucky to have you
"next time you tell me that i should starve myself, even by mistake, i'll take a job offer, that's my final warning"
Definitely find a way to make your own money, get a part time job, babysit, per sit anything you can do. He can watch the baby when you work. Also you can check out this cool app, Olio, where you can get free food. Also food banks might be something to look into, this is from a student who was relying on these things for a while. So keep your eyes out for stuff like that because they probably will be more than happy to help esp since you have a baby
Please make sure you have your own money.
Truthfully, you need to ask him that once your child starts transitioning to eating solids (which I kinda think your kiddo is close to that age) if he expects for his child to also skip meals to save money. If it isn't an immediate and solid no, you need to get a job asap and start securing a future for your kid and you. The fine line to financial abuse, mental abuse and child negligence is starting to become blurry. Something is telling me that he has something hidden that you aren't aware of. You might think it's extreme to leave but this isn't about just you anymore. You have a totally helpless and defenseless child to take care of, think of them.
I know you say your husband is great and just stressed which is totally possible and believable But just in case, if you take a really wide holistic perspective- has anything else ever felt wrong or off? If no, then you need to set up a consequence for the next time this happens. If yes, you need to start making your own money.
“I don’t want an apology, I want changed behavior.” Explain to him that the awful, anxious feeling he gets when he’s worried about money, is the same awful feeling you get when he suggests skipping meals. Also tell him that your anxiety is compounded by worrying about what your child will learn about healthy food intake (spoiler alert: starvation is often linked to disordered eating and obesity later in life). All else fails, break out the squirt bottle and treat him like an annoying cat.
Get a night job that's part-time. My son was a month old I got a night job cleaning offices that was only a 4-hour shift. I was able to start at any time after 5:00 p.m. due to the office I was cleaning needing to be closed for me to work. I breastfed my son, then went and did my cleaning and went back home in time for him to be ready to nurse again. I left a bottle of pumped milk in case he woke up while I was gone. It was also nice to get away from the house and force my hands off parent husband to do some child care. (He called it babysitting and later we divorced, not because of that comment but because his whole attitude towards the family and his unreliability)
Doesn't he know breastfeeding requires something to breastfeed WITH?
It is strange that his answer is to starve. You said it happend during your pregnancy, can it be a really really bad way of expressing his dislike of the changes in your body? On an other note, if this is related to fear of lacking money, and has only appeared since you got pregnant, I think having one more mouth to feed has probably made his fear even bigger. Specially with all the things a baby needs. Can you find a way to save money on groceries but still make sure you always have what you need? (I.e. buy in bulk and divide into portions, can your own food, buy seasonal foods only, freeze them for later, etc etc.) You need to have a discussion with him (on a good day so his is willing to listen fully) and express to him how you feel about this. And ask why he tells you this, and how you could alleviate his fears together. Do it outside of the house, like on a walk. This way its in neutral ground and the everyday stress of running a house wont be right before you, distracting you. I wish you the best!
You need to get a job right now. You are completely financially dependent on a man who makes comments about how you’re *wasting money by eating.* He doesn’t care how this makes you feel and refuses to listen when you try to explain. You need a job and your own resources in the event that things get worse.
this economy is not single-income friendly rn. no one should have to starve themselves in order to get by, especially not a PREGNANT OR BREASTFEEDING person?? that’s like someone who clearly needs to eat???? obviously yall situation is just not working so unless he wants to find a way to make more money you should probably look into a job of some sort:/ such a gross thing to say to someone who birthed your child imo🥲
He can’t decide for you if you’re getting a job or not. You need one because humans need food and that’s not debatable. The success of a man who thinks starvation (this means death?) is an option for anyone much less his pregnant and breastfeeding wife as well as child is debatable.
Acknowledging his stress- this seems to be a money worry rather than a food issue. Try saying- food is so expensive and I appreciate how hard you are working to support us. Every thing I eat is also feeding our baby, so I try to eat as healthy as I can and healthy food is more expensive. Is there anywhere else we can cut back to save money?
You’re right, at the root of it, it is a money issue because when we’re doing good he knocks it off.
Well, the root of the issue is that he’s not able to cope with his anxiety and takes it out on you instead. Money is just the trigger. I know you’re broke but it might be worth looking into whether your husband has an EAP through his work (EAPs provide a limited number of free therapy sessions, among other services) or sliding-scale therapy. At the bare minimum he needs to check some self-help books out from the library.
No need to justify what he is saying. It is messed up. It doesn’t matter if anxiety or stress is causing him to say it. Your husband’s first reaction to money stress is that YOU should starve.
Why are you advising her to coddle someone who is telling her and her baby to starve?
You’ve tried and tried to talk to him. He doesnt care. He’s not changing. You need to get a job. Either this will take the financial pressure off husband and he’ll stop talking about starving OR you’ll be all set to dump his ass and support yourself.
Sounds like gallows humor. Some people find making morbid jokes relieves their stress. You've told him you don't like it so he should respect that. Tell him he needs to find something else to joke about since that is especially triggering for you.
You don’t need his permission to get a job. Just do it. For yourself
It seems like he's having a poor understanding of the nutrition values of food. So he believes something like one meal per day is good enough and you're eating more than that. So he's trying to get you to develop his belief and value on food, while you don't believe it. So the tension will rise on this issue unless he accepts that you have your way and he has his.
I wish that were the case. He’s fairly educated on food & nutrition, when he was younger he was a boxer.
> He’s fairly educated on food & nutrition, when he was younger he was a boxer. Competitive athletes often have unhealthy relationships with food, this is even more true when there are weight classes or having low bodyfat levels is advantageous. Boxing would be considered a high risk sport for developing an eating disorder. How involved are you in the finances? Do you want to go back to work?
So telling you to starve is probably his passive way to tell you to loose weight? Boxers starve before the matches to drop their weight to meet the qualification for a fight.
I really, really wouldn’t think so. I’m fairly small as it is, however I think you might’ve found the missing link. If he would routinely stop eating before matches, not eating would be fairly normalized.
It's quite common for boxers not to eat before matches, so this practice may become normalize in their routine of life as well.
It would explain why he seems it as relatively harmless, whereas for me it’s a peak point of anxiety.
For him it's routinely done so he has adjust to this lifestyle of eating. For you, if you attempt to do like him, hunger will strike and weaken you. You may even faint from just skipping two meals.
Get a job… get into couples counseling… see where that takes you… good luck !!
What an odd thing to say. Is he just anxious about money, making a comment about weight, both, or something else? Sounds like it’s about $$ and weight both. In any event, a year is too long for a partner to continue triggering you. His unwillingness to eliminate this type of comment means some counseling for him is in order. It’s beyond unkind at this point and shows zero empathy for what you’ve suffered in the past and also reflects a strange attitude toward food. FWIW, you can look into WIC if you are in the US, and contact social services and/or food pantries to keep the larder stocked in a healthy way for you, your child-and him.
He needs therapy. It might be best to get a part-time job until you're done breastfeeding, and then go back to work full time.
I have a feeling your husband is drowning in debt. Telling a breastfeeding mom to not eat is seriously not ok. I'm not sure how you can get through to him but you guys need to have some serious talks that he takes seriously.
Please get at least a pt job. Even if you work at a restaurant while he is off, you can eat.
Look for a job you can do from home with your child present. Either don't bother telling him about it and just start saving money so you can contribute to the household. Or do tell him and explain that you asked him to stop suggesting you starve and that it's clear his pride is in the way and he continues to suggest this even though you've asked several times for him to stop so you've taken matters into your own hands now and will do what you can to ensure the success of your family unit. If he says it again. Explain firmly that that type of suggestion is disgusting and you will not have it in your household. If needed, you can work opposite shifts and he can take care of baby while you work evenings. Make it work.
Apply for food stamps. Apply for WIC. Attend food banks. Look for free stuff on Facebook. Get a job. Separate finances. Everytime he says "starve", you say "we got this". Food insecurity is terrible, his insensitivity is terrible.
Try going to food banks to get food and shop at dollar tree
This is just going to escalate into him controlling you more and more. You’re right to be upset and have your ears perked. This is really fucked up.
Your partner is talking about starving you and your child... That's a big deal. You need to take steps to protect yourself and your child. It's not just you anymore.
Get a job. Even if it’s a WFH p/t job. You don’t want to be financially dependent on someone like this.
You need to get a job and figure out childcare. There’s something wrong with your husband. I wonder if your financial situation is far worse than you know .
See if you can find a remote job, it sounds like he’s stressing
You get a job and get your own money
Getting an evening/weekend job absolutely would help. I have a second job working those hours and it’s maybe 800/mo. That would cover your grocery bill, at a minimum. Take back control. You don’t need his permission to ease household stress. Unless he’s working irregular/shift hours that make scheduling difficult.
“Since I’m breastfeeding our child, it seems that you’re the one who should stop eating.
Oh, he is taking you seriously. He keeps saying it BECAUSE it triggers you and he can't directly address the issues causeing his negative feelings. Instead, he dumps his negative feelings onto you, by saying something you find upsetting. He is anxious about money and insecure about his ability to provide, but wants to be the sole provider. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with these conflicting feelings, so he makes remarks to trigger similar feelings in you. Once he has made you feel inadequate and insecure, he doesn't have to feel it anymore.
Sounds to me like there’s something going on in the finances that is causing him stress that he’s hiding. Asking directly would be a mistake, it seems, but I would start carefully looking around. And also, most importantly, that was a thinly veiled threat against you and your child. A reminder of control. I’m not a professional so you can take this or leave it but I have, sadly, seen this play out in the lives of too many people close to me and it starts small and ends very badly. Early warnings are rarely heeded, I know but here’s one just because I see the same signs I’ve seen too often in the lives of women I care about: healthy fathers don’t make veiled threats against their children and would sooner die themselves rather than do anything that would harm the health or wellbeing of their child. It is healthy and normal for a man to want the best for his family and go to the utmost to seek and secure it. So if that’s not what you’re seeing in your husband, then you don’t have a good father in your home. You have a dangerous one. There are no valid excuses on this so don’t make excuses for him. Act in the interest of your extremely vulnerable child if you won’t act for yourself. At the very least, immediately open an online bank account and start depositing small amounts in it. Do small jobs online. Walk dogs for neighbors for cash. Grocery shop for Instacart if you can. Financial independence is important just to be able to think about your future, so don’t let anyone take that from you. Do what you can to build up some money. I wouldn’t leave the baby with your husband, ever. Find out what he’s up to financially and be honest with yourself about your situation. Plan from there. All the best to you.
I don’t think it’s about the money. Your update adds details that are very suggestive of disordered eating, and remind me strongly of my own struggles with [orthorexia](https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/eating-disorders/what-is-orthorexia). I also used to mask orthorexic and anorexic traits with my poverty. And I used poverty as a stick to get myself to comply with my disordered and unsustainable eating goals.
I agree. Someone made an important correlation between boxing & eating disorders that I missed, I’ve never been into sports. Is there anything that really helped you, somewhere I can start? One thing I can say for him is that, while he is generally pro-therapy, he isn’t the type to get some for himself. He was quite proud today that he’d dropped to 215lbs, and wants to lose more weight. He’s not unhealthy, but that doesn’t mean that the mentality isn’t.
Honey the next time you mention this I’m getting a job and will put our kiddo in day care.
As a SAHM I would be feeling really pressured by this to get a job asap. Obviously, he is feeling overwhelmed financially and feeling burdened. He is choosing a negative way to express it. Time for a good talk about financial pressure. When my babies were young, I had times I didn't work, times I worked one day a week, two days a week, etc. Whatever our finances required. There are options out there. I remember looking up domestic help in job adds. I babysat, cleaned a home, etc. Whatever it took to bring money in. I paid for Christmases and other emergencies. The only problem with this was somehow I was still expected to do all of the housework, childcare, cooking, dishes, laundry, etc., since I "only worked a few hours."
Get a job. Right now. Start saving your money so when you have enough, you can leave. This is emotional abuse and it will escalate. He’s trying to slowly ease you into this dynamic so you don’t see how truly alarming his actions are. Protect yourself and your child and make an exit plan. Look at nanny gigs where you can bring your child, that could be a “compromise” while you plan. Get your own bank account at a different bank and deposit at least half of your earnings there. You can say you’re making less than you are and keep that account secret until it’s time to get out.
Would he be open to seeing a counselor? It might help him to understand how serious this is for you if he hears it from a neutral third party.
I hope the counselor is free, they have trouble affording groceries. They need more money, extra work is likely a good idea.
Yes, absolutely, but there is a larger issue of him not taking her seriously when she asks him to stop doing something hurtful. That is worth addressing outside this specific issue.
Time for that job you want. It will help. It will help you. It doesn’t help him. It doesn’t help his narrative that your kid “needs” you. It helps you regain financial security. Food security.
Watch another kid for money so you can eat.
I’d ignore his resistance to you getting a job and do it anyway. I don’t know what field you were in, but there are plenty of pretty easy work from home jobs out there that may work because you can still stay home and make a little money at the same time. You can also try local food banks or apply for food benefits. You can’t not eat, especially if you’re breastfeeding. If that’s his only suggestion then the obvious choice is for you to go to work.
Get a job. You need to be eating MORE. He says you need to be there for your son, but you're not allowed to eat more for breastfeeding?
Get a job IMMEDIATELY! Do you really think it's wise to be completely dependent on anyone who thinks the solution to his financial problems is to (checks notes) starve his wife when she's pregnant and/or breastfeeding*?* Sure, it's easy to brush it off and say "oh, he's just kidding", but when people keep saying a thing, in my experience it means they kinda mean that thing.
Sit him down at the kitchen table like two adults and have a conversation. Tell him comments anger you and you want him to stop now and for all time. If he cannot or will not respect your wishes, then you need couples counseling, because your marriage needs communication skills. Good luck.
Honestly, sounds like he is struggling with being the sole earner but feels intense guilt abt you going back to work. Even a part time job while he is home can help out without having to pay a sitter. Or maybe you could find a wfh opportunity?
Ops husband is dangerous.
Not sure if you’ll see this as you’ve got a lot of comments here now, but I have had some success training people to stop triggering me on similar issues. I find a really useful tactic is to share the trauma response. So if someone makes an offhand joke about domestic violence, I would immediately and calmly say, “Oh wow. That makes me think about the time my ex slapped me in the face in front of all our friends. I feel kind of awful now thinking about that.” It’s weird and awkward and makes everyone uncomfortable, but…that’s the point. Every time your husband mentions starving you as an option, he immediately has to think in detail about a really sad, shitty thing that happened to his wife. In my experience it does not take long for people to start associating making those jokes with feeling shitty and uncomfortable. Does it suck that you basically have to recreate your trigger for your husband? Yup. But that’s where we are.
Tell him to stop and not ever bring up food again and make sure he realizes you are serious.
“Starve yourself.” “If that’s how you wanna die…” “That doesn’t work for me.” “Walk to work. It’ll burn calories. Save on gas. And get your complaints about a basic human need away from me.” “Shut up.” No response. Leave the room/area he’s occupying.
Going to a really good marriage counselor is a must so he freaking gets it and understands. You absolutely cannot live with someone who triggers you. 🙏💕
I agree with the other commenters saying you should get a job! Or at the very least, he needs to allocate a portion, even 5% or 10% of his net paycheck, to a bank account that is 100% controlled by you and you alone. Financial security is essential to prevent a financial abuse situation. I’m not saying that your situation is financial abuse, but I am saying that having your own account will help prevent it from happening to you. Then perhaps even if he can’t help but make starvation comments, which are insensitive at best, they may not be as triggering since you have the means to buy your own food if necessary. It’s an emergency fund for your safety, so don’t let him convince you to spend that money!
Get a job. Expeditiously. Your son is old enough for part time daycare and the socialization could benefit him anyways. You need to have your own money.
INFO: Is he making a backhanded comment about your weight?
Get a part time job in the evenings or weekends when he is home with the baby. What was your career before baby?
It’s not clear to me from your post if your husband is: A - seriously (or even joke-serious) proposing that you actually go without food, B - venting his stress with a go-to ‘bad joke’… that you find triggering & distasteful C - or a combination of both- a passive aggressive insinuation that you specifically are consuming more family resources than you’ve earned and implying *you* are responsible for his stress, and resolving it And your approach to resolving this would be different for each. If it’s B, I went through something similar with food specifically with my last partner. I have a long history of disordered eating that I’ve worked through, and he had a ton of food baggage that he refused to unpack. After a lot of fighting and anger about his constant triggering comments about food, I was successful in setting a boundary. I would calmly respond to the comment acknowledging it, stating my feelings, and then if he pressed it I left the room/situation. “I will leave the room if you continue to comment on the food I’m eating.” “I will not discuss if a certain food is ‘good’ or ‘bad’” “I will not acknowledge comments about the ways I feed myself” You could try out something like “Saying or suggesting ‘starvation is an option’ makes me feel profoundly unsafe. I will leave the room when you make me feel unsafe.” Calm and straight to the point and hold it, leave him to his stressing. That said, if you having a feeling it’s A or C, those are much more serious threats to your & your child’s safety… get a job over his objections and quietly put together an exit strategy. Wishing you the best 🧡
so, just go get a job. Don't rely on someone who is unreliable.
I have an ex like this. He was a broken record on some topics and refused to look at the roots of why he couldn’t stop, why he couldn’t fully discuss his reasoning for continuing despite the repercussions of his actions. This kind of behavior is destructive, and his inability to analyze it with you is dangerous. It creates an unhealthy emotional labor imbalance, plus he’s literally hurting you every time he does it. His behavior erodes trust, because it’s nonsensical on the surface, and consistently cruel. After my breakup, when I was in a healing period, I came across info that this kind of broken record conversational style is indicative of personality disorder. My ex ticked every box for OCPD.
He's being manipulative. Get a job
you need a job and he needs therapy or counseling to figure out how to manage his own stress and anxiety like an adult instead of taking it out on you. that ain’t healthy.
Get yourself a job
Get a therapist and a job. Dude is dumb.
Omfg get a job. You are a GROWN woman! He’s not the boss of you! And then, get a DIVORCE
You don’t need his permission to get a job
Reading this, edit included, it sounds like your husband is mentally unwell. His one meal a day, is it high calorie, enough to keep him nourished? It sounds like he may be developing an eating disorder or something and is projecting it.
He is starving himself & getting cranky because of this. I know,Ive done it in times of low money!!
I haven't seen this mentioned yet but maybe he has an eating disorder? When I was deep in my anorexia I would say things like this in a sort of wistful way, perhaps not even thinking about how it would affect others and without even hoping anyone would actually follow the direction (except me of course). You mention he skips meals at work, he may be just saying out loud what he wishes he could do if he lived alone and no one was watching him/he didn't have to "perform" being a normal person by eating. Of course not saying this is okay at all, but it might shed light on a motive for his comments and actions. I know I wasn't very thoughtful of others when deep in my ED
If your husband is strict on his dietary needs and considering the food he prefers is more expensive it doesn’t seem okay to say “starvation is an option”. If your socioeconomic situation changes (ie moving states, having a baby, paying off medical bills) then it is unfortunately necessary to adjust. Buy cheaper items for your home, buy cheaper food and groceries. Focus on getting by until your financial situation improves. Not sure how expensive day care is or what your earning potential might be but I do think a dual income household would mean less pressure on your husband to provide and more ease on you so you can all eat regularly and remain healthy.
Look up Orthorexia. My ex husband was like this and it was incredibly frustrating to live with. He now lives off of a green smoothie a day and occasionally makes lentils when our kids visit.
If you really aren’t able to afford food, there are programs to help you do that. Have you applied for food stamps? If you make too much for those, have you tried applying for WIC? That program is especially for babies and young children and usually has less strict requirements.
This is abuse. Him knowing your background is especially nasty behavior. Keep in mind, you’re breastfeeding, so he is starving you and his child. Please use this link to understand how to navigate this situation. [Thehotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)