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I do but she won't tell me even if she does need help usually. I know I should respect that and just stay off to the side but watching her give up when I'm 89% sure I could help is so fusterating I just can't help it. Maybe the only solution is to just let her give up and try not to let it bother me but if there's a better way to communicate so I don't have to do taht I wanna know it
I think if you're in a pattern of overriding her desire to try independently figuring things out, she might be in a pattern of being extra defensive about it. Let her be more independent for a while. Be really consistent with asking and then respecting her no, even walk away and be in your own zone while she's struggling if seeing the struggle is upsetting you. Not in a sulky or punitive way. Just in a managing your emotions way, so you don't override her desire for independence. I think if you demonstrate that you respect her no's, but let her know you are here to help if she needs it, will overall result in her relating to the help you offer in a different way, and probably accepting it more often, because accepting it will feel more like a consensual choice that she's making from an empowered place, and it doesnt feel forced or against her will.
Maybe even praise her for the fact that she is independent and tries to get shit done herself, let her know that this is something you respect rather than something that interferes with your desire to explain things.
She just wants to vent and for you to listen. She doesn't want you to solve her problems for her like she is a kid or something. Just listen and give her encouraging words or sympathize with her. If she asks for help or advise, that's when you can give your 2 cents. Don't give advice more than one helpful suggestion and then listen again.
Have you asked her how she’d like you to handle it? Does she know you’re autistic?
This is a relationship problem so ideally you should both be contributing to the solution. I would explain to her that your main goal is to not upset her and ask her how she’d prefer for you to approach these situations. You may need more communication from her than a neurotypical person would, and that’s ok.
If she isn’t willing to work with you and just wants you to know what to do without being told, then she isn’t being a very respectful or empathetic partner.
I've done this since I made the most thank you for the suggestion. It seems to have helped.
It's difficult for me to ask her stuff like that because I cannot stop feeling bad about it like I'm personally burdening her by being autistic which I know is dumb AF cuz If she had an issue with that she wouldent have started dating me but man I just cannot get over it
I understand your feelings, but your partner should be the primary person you're able to trust and feel safe that you're not burdening them just by existing as yourself. And the more you both communicate, the easier it will be to understand what the other needs without having to ask.
As someone who's pretty sensitive and emotional, in the past I've made my needs smaller so that I didn't burden partners, and it just doesn't work over time. I'm glad to have found someone who actually likes those things about me and wants to meet me where I am. You deserve that too, and hopefully your girlfriend feels that way about you.
Yes - respect that she hasn't asked for your help. Your frustration is not more important than her sense of independence.
Look, I get it. I'm in engineering. My brain is wired to figure out and solve problems. It's what I do. But it bothers my husband when I try to take over and fix things. He's frustrated, I'm frustrated...and if he would just give me five minutes to fix the thing it would be done!
But he's a grown man, and he wants to figure it out himself. He doesn't want me to save him. He doesn't need me to swoop in and take his thing away from him. When I do that, I am treating him like a child, or treating him like he's not smart enough to figure it out. He wants to try his ideas first.
So I sit back and let it go. I offer to help, and if he runs out of Ideas I'm more than happy to help. But I only offer once, and then I wait until he asks. I've had to learn how to manage my own frustration - how to sit with that uncomfortable feeling without inflicting it on him. I have to remember I'm not responsible for whatever he's doing. I find other things to entertain myself until he does ask for help.
I know I can, that's why I said I would try but if there's a better option I'd want to hear it, since it doesn't seem there is though ig I'll just get over it
I always figured if someone gives up then that means they do not know how to solve it and it's ok for me to ask if I can try, please correct me if this is wrong (I am genuinely asking this is a rule I worked out for myself over years and if it's wrong I want to know)
Because someone told you the answer (don’t help unless she asks for it) and you responded by saying, essentially “but I still know better/I can’t help it!”
If she doesn’t ask for help, or you ask her if she wants help and she says “no”, the only appropriate response is to respect her decision. Anything else is infantilizing and patronizing.
As neurospicy person, chances are you have a lot of experience with people infantilizing and patronizing you, so you should be extra careful not to do the same to the people you love.
That's not what I meant I meant like "ok thank you if that's the only option I'll try to make it happen but if there's a better one that would be cool"
There isn’t a better one than the solution where you treat your partner with basic respect and recognize they’re an autonomous adult allowed to decide when they do and do not want help.
She’s not a child. If it bothers you to watch her struggle, remove yourself from the situation. Don’t make your problem (you can’t help yourself) hers by ignoring the very reasonable, basic request she’s made here.
Sorry, I just wanted to be extremely clear.
Generally, it’s hard to be motivated to adjust our behaviour for someone else’s sake if we don’t truly understand the impact of it.
So, I'm not mad at you. I can tell you are asking for help and I'm glad you're trying. That is the answer though. And if she says no and still struggles you just have to let her. Ike another person mentioned she might be particularly sensitive to you barging in at this point. If you respect her "no" for a long time eventually she will realize you're not trying to bulldoze anymore and you're trying to make a real change in how you behave.
Once she feels secure like you will ask, firstly, and she can say no without you pushing after, then one day she may eventually be more open to your help. In the meantime you're just going to have to hold yourself back as you undo the damage from the dynamic you established already.
Good luck you sound like good people. Try to listen more next time though if you ask for advice.
I'm just asking questions to better understand the next course of action I'm not trying to not listen. In any case thank you anyway I'll try to implement the suggestions
I get the sense she doesnt like to admit she doesn't know and on top of that it's been drilled into her (as it should be) she shouldn't need a man to do anything. But taken too far both of these attitudes disregard that we live in a society for a reason. We aren't meant to do things all on our own. As such she should learn to be able to ask for help and shouldnt immediately assume you're mansplaining when you're trying to help (assuming you aren't actually mansplaining). Being able to ask for help is an essential life skill. I always tell my students to never be afraid to ask for help. It's impossible to learn otherwise.
However, you're both also young. When you turn 18 you don't magically get a manual on how to adult and know everything. You have to figure it out. IMO being new adults is a bad time to be in a relationship because you need to be able to figure things out on your own and make mistakes and define yourself as an individual adult apart from your parents and your SO. While she shouldn't refuse your help, she does need to learn to be able to do these things on her own. If she does ask for help I encourage telling her in a way that will help her figure it out on her own in the future.
I always just ask my wife “You want me to help?” whenever she’s getting frustrated about something not working. If she says yes, I’ll jump in and try to fix it. If she says no, I just leave her to her own devices and either she’ll figure it out or change her mind and come get me.
I don't? Im aware she's very smart, but if she's struggling with something and I think I can help them how do I help without assuming anything if I don't know the full scope of what she does/ doesn't know
It might be useful for the two of you to have code words. My Uncle is autistic and struggles understanding social cues so codewords are great. If she says "Honeybee" it means "Be a honeybee and help the hive?" This means "I need help and would love if you had some ideas or know how to do this." If she says "Lioness" it means "I'm a lioness, I'm strong, I'll figure this out. Even if you know how, please let me be a Lioness until I need Honeybee help."
You two need to talk this out when you are NOT in an argument. Bring it up while at coffee "Hey babe, I was thinking, you know how we have miscommunications about me trying to take something over when you don't want to - and you know how I have a super hard time reading social cues? I'm thinking if we come up with a code-word system, it will help me understand a lot better. If there's something where I can see you are frustrated and I ask "Honeybee or Lioness", I just need you to reply one way or the other and that will help me know how to proceed. Do you think something like that could work?"
The two of you need to action plan together, over iced coffee, in a lighthearted, problem solving way. Her behavior is showing her immaturity - she's 18 afterall - she's still a kid. But I could see a codeword system being super useful for the two of you.
When it's an emotional issue I understand this but when it's a technical problem don't people generally want those fixed? Like if she couldent log into her account and it wouldent let her reset the password or smth. I could be wrong but that's how I thought of it
While this is good advice for emotional problems, the example he gives is them not being able to watch a show on her television. If I were trying to get my TV to work and my boyfriend was like “do you want to fix it or do you just want me to listen” that would be an insanely weird thing to ask. Like no, I obviously don’t just want you to listen to me struggle.
He can mold it to the situation, the point is to ask and then listen to what she says, e.g. Is there anything I can do to help you fix that or do you just want to work on it yourself? I'm happy to help if you would like me to.
Sometimes people just want to try fixing things for themselves, even if they get it wrong or don't succeed. There really isn't a manual for these kinds of interactions. I think the only people who have been able to clearly tell me "I just want to fix this myself" or "can you help me" on a consistent basis have been my autistic friends.
Your question really depends on: how often do you jump in, what is the subject, and how long do you wait first? It's possible that what she wants is something in the middle. With my girlfriend, in these types of situations I usually try waiting 2-5 minutes. Long enough for her to try her own solutions, but not so long that she's struggling. If the thing she's trying to do is something she has a lot of expertise or understanding of, try to aim for the 5 minute mark.
If she wants it fixed, she will say “yes” when you ask “can I help with that?”; if not, then no she doesn’t want it fixed. It shouldn’t be this hard to listen to and respect your gf
Don't people generally want those fixed?
Is she saying she wants you to fix it? Generally maybe yes. But individual situations are often different from what is generally true.
You don’t have to know why she wants what she wants, you only have to know that it is what she wants. If she says she doesn’t want your help, it doesn’t have to make any sense to you at all. Just accept her “no”at face value. You can say at that point, “Okay, let me know if you change your mind,” but that’s as far as I’d push it.
What matters here-
what “people” want “generally,”
Or what one particular person wants, specifically? And this person is someone you care about and don’t like insulting or hurting?
Specifics with people are hard for me to work out and it usually takes me a long time so I'd rather just ask for help here then fuck it up 3432 times with my girl before I get it right
What I mean is - you say you help your gf with things because “don’t people generally want help?”
I’m telling you to ask yourself the question - is your girlfriend “people?” Or is she someone individual and special and someone who you care about treating well?
And is the knowledge that people generally like to be helped with things, is this helpful to you in this situation with this individual person who is trying to tell you to not stick your nose in her business so much, even to help?
I think your misunderstanding me, I'm not trying to argue that I won't change because "people want to be helped" I'm stating how I've always thought about things in hopes of getting another perspective. I want to that if this is not true what are the conditions where people would actually want to be helped.
I really appreciate your earnest desire to figure this out. As a fellow autistic I get the struggle and tbh the allistic obsession with reading between the lines is very frustrating and I would much rather be annoyingly direct. Saves everyone time and confusion. That said, part of dating an autistic person is signing up to be down to give those specifics. Yes, I get that it can be annoying for allistic people to change to a more direct approach, and it's also their choice to decide not to do that, but generally it's not going to go well. If you feel that you're struggling to connect with her despite trying to figure out what she needs, it's possible that you need to explicitly discuss the differences in your communication styles, and determine whether you can or want to compromise for each other, and also figure out what things can't be a compromise (i.e., you are very likely not suddenly going to gain the ability to interpret vague social cues in the neurotypical way just because you want to, you're autistic, it ain't like that.) from there decide whether the reality of what is possible in your relationship is something that both if you are down to live with.
Thank you I appreciate it I genuinely worry sometimes that I'm a horrible partner for her because of how I was born. It sucks real bad but all I can do is try my hardest to be good
Also. Just because you're a bad fit with someone doesn't mean you're horrible. I know it's hard to know that at your age and also as someone who for their whole life has dealt with ableist and pathologizing attitudes toward autistic people but you can not thrive in a situation and it can be for reasons other than that you suck.
Asking if she wants you to help her figure it out is a good start. Asking what she's tried, asking her to describe the problem, etc. Usually when you want to help or give advice, it's best to just ask first.
As others have said ask her if she'd like your help and if she says no, respect that. Don't make it a "I'm going off in a huff now" but do say something like "I'm just going to do xxx, I'll be in the other room, yell out when you have it sorted" and then saunter off and make yourself busy until she calls you. Sitting near her while she tries to resolve a problem will otherwise likely annoy her or make her feel pressured.
I know for myself, I can often solve a problem quickly if I'm left alone to do it, but if someone is hovering I'll make mistake after mistake because I feel pressured.
No, there were two problems, one causing the other. I think in this case, the tv not working became the bigger, more immediate issue in her mind. Fixing that fixes both problems, but using the hdmi cable only fixed one problem. The other was still there for her to deal with, and maybe she couldn't relax and enjoy the show due to it.
I think the other commenters' suggestion of asking if she wants help is a good one. Y9u might also want to add on "How would you like me to help?" That way, you can be sure you're fixing the right problem.
"Mansplaining" is usually when a man explains something to someone who already knows it. Before you try explaining or suggesting things, ask if she knows or has tried that thing.
Like instead of launching into a bunch of suggestions, just be like "have you tried x?" Ask instead of assuming a lack of knowledge
That's what I do but that's what she calls mansplaining, because asking is an assumption that she hasn't already tried it. I think it's a problem with how I ask, a tone a I use maybe I'm not completely sure but people say my tones through them off
No dude, you’re not the problem. She’s taking her frustration out on you. You’re not her man servant. If my wife said I “mansplained” something to her while I was helping her then I wouldn’t help her again until she apologized.
Stand up for yourself. No one else will.
Maybe though I know I have a habit of being overbearing about fixing problems. We've since talked about it and she has told me about previous relationships where she was constantly made to feel inferior for everything so I can understand where her frustration comes from. We've mutually agreed that I'll try to adjust some behaviors I have that make it worse and she'll try not to jump at me when I do try to help so overall we can improve communication
I'm just gonna add this as someone who's terrible at asking and accepting help. When someone offers me help or just takes over my project to 'help' me, I immediately feel like a failure and that I'm inferior to the other person.
I like to mess around with stuff I don't understand, even if I do get frustrated, because when I finally do fix it I'll feel like I accomplished something instead of feeling like I gave up or like a failure.
She has to ask you for help if she doesn't like it when you ask her if she needs help. If she doesn't ask for help then don't help. If she gets upset that you didn't help her then simply say "You didn't ask for help, next time I will help you if you ask"
Thank you we've talked about it since I made this post and it seems she's had some previous relationships with guys who made her feel inferior for every little thing so she has some insecurity surrounding that. I think it'll be easier now
God forbid a guy be dyslexic Sheesh.
Also we've talked about it since I asked for help here and she has had some previous relationships where guys have put her down at every turn so she does have some insecurity surrounding that, though now that we've talked I think it'll be easier
I don't even have to read your post. You're a teenager, mansplaining doesn't exist for you and anyone who tells you otherwise needs to be segregated to a small rocky island.
Maybe tell your girlfriend that instead of lumping you in with a bunch of non neurodivergent men who know what they're doing is wrong she should work with your specific situation in helping instead of criticizing. Explain that social cues are sometimes tough for you and that you'd appreciate it if she'd gently point out when you're overstepping. Stress that what she's calling "mansplaining" just isn't happening here. You're not a bully looking to talk over her, you're someone with some misfiring emotional IQ who could use a little patience.
I could try this. Though I'm a situation where she's fusterated I don't think she'd be all that interested in dealing with my autistic ass lmao. I'm hoping to find a way to make it so we never make it to the point where she's too frustrated by the issue at hand to be understanding of my issues
Plenty of girls love a man who takes initiative to help their partner. Go find a girl who's not chronically online getting brainwashed by extremist feminists.
Sounds to me like your girlfriend expects you to be a mind reader! It's a good thing when you help and it works and she needed the help, but if you suggest something she already tried instead of being an adult and saying to you I already tried that and it didn't work she says your mansplaining this & it didn't work!
She doesn't get to insult everything you say just because she already tried it! That's really immature! And then she gets mad that you didn't tell her things earlier but when you tell her something that she doesn't want to hear she excuses you of mansplaining so I wouldn't want to tell her either!
Honestly this one sounds like she's full of drama I don't know how you put up with it! You can't fix this because she's doing it on purpose!
I don’t know shit about his wife. I just know that healthy relationships don’t include being dismissive and condescending of your partner’s concerns.
Like, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. The same would be true if it were a woman complaining about her male partner, so feel free to get cranky elsewhere.
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Just simply ask her if she needs help before you go fixing things. She might receive that a little softer.
I do but she won't tell me even if she does need help usually. I know I should respect that and just stay off to the side but watching her give up when I'm 89% sure I could help is so fusterating I just can't help it. Maybe the only solution is to just let her give up and try not to let it bother me but if there's a better way to communicate so I don't have to do taht I wanna know it
I think if you're in a pattern of overriding her desire to try independently figuring things out, she might be in a pattern of being extra defensive about it. Let her be more independent for a while. Be really consistent with asking and then respecting her no, even walk away and be in your own zone while she's struggling if seeing the struggle is upsetting you. Not in a sulky or punitive way. Just in a managing your emotions way, so you don't override her desire for independence. I think if you demonstrate that you respect her no's, but let her know you are here to help if she needs it, will overall result in her relating to the help you offer in a different way, and probably accepting it more often, because accepting it will feel more like a consensual choice that she's making from an empowered place, and it doesnt feel forced or against her will.
Maybe even praise her for the fact that she is independent and tries to get shit done herself, let her know that this is something you respect rather than something that interferes with your desire to explain things.
So, treat her like a child? lol
I don't want to explain things really I just want her to not be upset
She just wants to vent and for you to listen. She doesn't want you to solve her problems for her like she is a kid or something. Just listen and give her encouraging words or sympathize with her. If she asks for help or advise, that's when you can give your 2 cents. Don't give advice more than one helpful suggestion and then listen again.
Is one suggestion the limit? Or is that more loose like 0-2 suggestions before it gets irritating
You offer one suggestion IF she asks for help. Otherwise just be supportive and listen. She just wants someone to hear her.
Have you asked her how she’d like you to handle it? Does she know you’re autistic? This is a relationship problem so ideally you should both be contributing to the solution. I would explain to her that your main goal is to not upset her and ask her how she’d prefer for you to approach these situations. You may need more communication from her than a neurotypical person would, and that’s ok. If she isn’t willing to work with you and just wants you to know what to do without being told, then she isn’t being a very respectful or empathetic partner.
I've done this since I made the most thank you for the suggestion. It seems to have helped. It's difficult for me to ask her stuff like that because I cannot stop feeling bad about it like I'm personally burdening her by being autistic which I know is dumb AF cuz If she had an issue with that she wouldent have started dating me but man I just cannot get over it
I understand your feelings, but your partner should be the primary person you're able to trust and feel safe that you're not burdening them just by existing as yourself. And the more you both communicate, the easier it will be to understand what the other needs without having to ask. As someone who's pretty sensitive and emotional, in the past I've made my needs smaller so that I didn't burden partners, and it just doesn't work over time. I'm glad to have found someone who actually likes those things about me and wants to meet me where I am. You deserve that too, and hopefully your girlfriend feels that way about you.
I don't mean to but it's good to know Ig I'll just let her give up
Your intent and your impact are different sometimes.
thank you for the advice I'll try and keep it in mind
Yes - respect that she hasn't asked for your help. Your frustration is not more important than her sense of independence. Look, I get it. I'm in engineering. My brain is wired to figure out and solve problems. It's what I do. But it bothers my husband when I try to take over and fix things. He's frustrated, I'm frustrated...and if he would just give me five minutes to fix the thing it would be done! But he's a grown man, and he wants to figure it out himself. He doesn't want me to save him. He doesn't need me to swoop in and take his thing away from him. When I do that, I am treating him like a child, or treating him like he's not smart enough to figure it out. He wants to try his ideas first. So I sit back and let it go. I offer to help, and if he runs out of Ideas I'm more than happy to help. But I only offer once, and then I wait until he asks. I've had to learn how to manage my own frustration - how to sit with that uncomfortable feeling without inflicting it on him. I have to remember I'm not responsible for whatever he's doing. I find other things to entertain myself until he does ask for help.
Alright thank you
You 100% can help it. Just step away.
I know I can, that's why I said I would try but if there's a better option I'd want to hear it, since it doesn't seem there is though ig I'll just get over it
Um, that's mansplaining.
I thought mansplaining meant you assumed they weren't smart enough to do it on their own
Which is what you are insinuating by saying you can help her disregarding her wishes to try things out.
I always figured if someone gives up then that means they do not know how to solve it and it's ok for me to ask if I can try, please correct me if this is wrong (I am genuinely asking this is a rule I worked out for myself over years and if it's wrong I want to know)
There isn't a better solution. This frustration is part of the burden of a relationship.
Alright thank you I just wanted to know
Why is the downvotes I'm legit asking for help out here man
Because someone told you the answer (don’t help unless she asks for it) and you responded by saying, essentially “but I still know better/I can’t help it!” If she doesn’t ask for help, or you ask her if she wants help and she says “no”, the only appropriate response is to respect her decision. Anything else is infantilizing and patronizing. As neurospicy person, chances are you have a lot of experience with people infantilizing and patronizing you, so you should be extra careful not to do the same to the people you love.
That's not what I meant I meant like "ok thank you if that's the only option I'll try to make it happen but if there's a better one that would be cool"
There isn’t a better one than the solution where you treat your partner with basic respect and recognize they’re an autonomous adult allowed to decide when they do and do not want help. She’s not a child. If it bothers you to watch her struggle, remove yourself from the situation. Don’t make your problem (you can’t help yourself) hers by ignoring the very reasonable, basic request she’s made here.
Ok damn all you had to say was "no there is not a better solution"
Sorry, I just wanted to be extremely clear. Generally, it’s hard to be motivated to adjust our behaviour for someone else’s sake if we don’t truly understand the impact of it.
So, I'm not mad at you. I can tell you are asking for help and I'm glad you're trying. That is the answer though. And if she says no and still struggles you just have to let her. Ike another person mentioned she might be particularly sensitive to you barging in at this point. If you respect her "no" for a long time eventually she will realize you're not trying to bulldoze anymore and you're trying to make a real change in how you behave. Once she feels secure like you will ask, firstly, and she can say no without you pushing after, then one day she may eventually be more open to your help. In the meantime you're just going to have to hold yourself back as you undo the damage from the dynamic you established already. Good luck you sound like good people. Try to listen more next time though if you ask for advice.
I'm just asking questions to better understand the next course of action I'm not trying to not listen. In any case thank you anyway I'll try to implement the suggestions
It's the use of the non-word "fusterating". Done.
??
I get the sense she doesnt like to admit she doesn't know and on top of that it's been drilled into her (as it should be) she shouldn't need a man to do anything. But taken too far both of these attitudes disregard that we live in a society for a reason. We aren't meant to do things all on our own. As such she should learn to be able to ask for help and shouldnt immediately assume you're mansplaining when you're trying to help (assuming you aren't actually mansplaining). Being able to ask for help is an essential life skill. I always tell my students to never be afraid to ask for help. It's impossible to learn otherwise. However, you're both also young. When you turn 18 you don't magically get a manual on how to adult and know everything. You have to figure it out. IMO being new adults is a bad time to be in a relationship because you need to be able to figure things out on your own and make mistakes and define yourself as an individual adult apart from your parents and your SO. While she shouldn't refuse your help, she does need to learn to be able to do these things on her own. If she does ask for help I encourage telling her in a way that will help her figure it out on her own in the future.
I always just ask my wife “You want me to help?” whenever she’s getting frustrated about something not working. If she says yes, I’ll jump in and try to fix it. If she says no, I just leave her to her own devices and either she’ll figure it out or change her mind and come get me.
Don’t assume she doesn’t know things. Simple as that.
I don't? Im aware she's very smart, but if she's struggling with something and I think I can help them how do I help without assuming anything if I don't know the full scope of what she does/ doesn't know
“Would you like me to help?”
She doesn't like when I ask that it makes it feel like an assumption that she can't do it herself
Then just wait for her to ask for help
Thank you I think this will work
Yeah, you need to back off and let her come to you -- or not -- on her terms.
Noted thank you I appreciate the suggestion
It might be useful for the two of you to have code words. My Uncle is autistic and struggles understanding social cues so codewords are great. If she says "Honeybee" it means "Be a honeybee and help the hive?" This means "I need help and would love if you had some ideas or know how to do this." If she says "Lioness" it means "I'm a lioness, I'm strong, I'll figure this out. Even if you know how, please let me be a Lioness until I need Honeybee help." You two need to talk this out when you are NOT in an argument. Bring it up while at coffee "Hey babe, I was thinking, you know how we have miscommunications about me trying to take something over when you don't want to - and you know how I have a super hard time reading social cues? I'm thinking if we come up with a code-word system, it will help me understand a lot better. If there's something where I can see you are frustrated and I ask "Honeybee or Lioness", I just need you to reply one way or the other and that will help me know how to proceed. Do you think something like that could work?" The two of you need to action plan together, over iced coffee, in a lighthearted, problem solving way. Her behavior is showing her immaturity - she's 18 afterall - she's still a kid. But I could see a codeword system being super useful for the two of you.
That’s cute
I have been recommended this before but I've never tried it, thank you I'll see how it goes
“Do you want me to problem solve, or do you want me to just listen?”
This comes off condescending af…
When it's an emotional issue I understand this but when it's a technical problem don't people generally want those fixed? Like if she couldent log into her account and it wouldent let her reset the password or smth. I could be wrong but that's how I thought of it
>don't people generally want those fixed Ask her and if she says no or she just wants you to listen, let her do it on her own.
While this is good advice for emotional problems, the example he gives is them not being able to watch a show on her television. If I were trying to get my TV to work and my boyfriend was like “do you want to fix it or do you just want me to listen” that would be an insanely weird thing to ask. Like no, I obviously don’t just want you to listen to me struggle.
He can mold it to the situation, the point is to ask and then listen to what she says, e.g. Is there anything I can do to help you fix that or do you just want to work on it yourself? I'm happy to help if you would like me to.
Sometimes people just want to try fixing things for themselves, even if they get it wrong or don't succeed. There really isn't a manual for these kinds of interactions. I think the only people who have been able to clearly tell me "I just want to fix this myself" or "can you help me" on a consistent basis have been my autistic friends. Your question really depends on: how often do you jump in, what is the subject, and how long do you wait first? It's possible that what she wants is something in the middle. With my girlfriend, in these types of situations I usually try waiting 2-5 minutes. Long enough for her to try her own solutions, but not so long that she's struggling. If the thing she's trying to do is something she has a lot of expertise or understanding of, try to aim for the 5 minute mark.
If she wants it fixed, she will say “yes” when you ask “can I help with that?”; if not, then no she doesn’t want it fixed. It shouldn’t be this hard to listen to and respect your gf
It's not, I'm asking questions for the sake of clarification because I have already stated this is something I struggle to understand
Don't people generally want those fixed? Is she saying she wants you to fix it? Generally maybe yes. But individual situations are often different from what is generally true.
You don’t have to know why she wants what she wants, you only have to know that it is what she wants. If she says she doesn’t want your help, it doesn’t have to make any sense to you at all. Just accept her “no”at face value. You can say at that point, “Okay, let me know if you change your mind,” but that’s as far as I’d push it.
What matters here- what “people” want “generally,” Or what one particular person wants, specifically? And this person is someone you care about and don’t like insulting or hurting?
Specifics with people are hard for me to work out and it usually takes me a long time so I'd rather just ask for help here then fuck it up 3432 times with my girl before I get it right
What I mean is - you say you help your gf with things because “don’t people generally want help?” I’m telling you to ask yourself the question - is your girlfriend “people?” Or is she someone individual and special and someone who you care about treating well? And is the knowledge that people generally like to be helped with things, is this helpful to you in this situation with this individual person who is trying to tell you to not stick your nose in her business so much, even to help?
I think your misunderstanding me, I'm not trying to argue that I won't change because "people want to be helped" I'm stating how I've always thought about things in hopes of getting another perspective. I want to that if this is not true what are the conditions where people would actually want to be helped.
I really appreciate your earnest desire to figure this out. As a fellow autistic I get the struggle and tbh the allistic obsession with reading between the lines is very frustrating and I would much rather be annoyingly direct. Saves everyone time and confusion. That said, part of dating an autistic person is signing up to be down to give those specifics. Yes, I get that it can be annoying for allistic people to change to a more direct approach, and it's also their choice to decide not to do that, but generally it's not going to go well. If you feel that you're struggling to connect with her despite trying to figure out what she needs, it's possible that you need to explicitly discuss the differences in your communication styles, and determine whether you can or want to compromise for each other, and also figure out what things can't be a compromise (i.e., you are very likely not suddenly going to gain the ability to interpret vague social cues in the neurotypical way just because you want to, you're autistic, it ain't like that.) from there decide whether the reality of what is possible in your relationship is something that both if you are down to live with.
Thank you I appreciate it I genuinely worry sometimes that I'm a horrible partner for her because of how I was born. It sucks real bad but all I can do is try my hardest to be good
Also. Just because you're a bad fit with someone doesn't mean you're horrible. I know it's hard to know that at your age and also as someone who for their whole life has dealt with ableist and pathologizing attitudes toward autistic people but you can not thrive in a situation and it can be for reasons other than that you suck.
Asking if she wants you to help her figure it out is a good start. Asking what she's tried, asking her to describe the problem, etc. Usually when you want to help or give advice, it's best to just ask first.
The word is “frustrated”. Just ask her if she wants you to give it a go. If she says no then step away so you’re not being overbearing. That’s it.
As others have said ask her if she'd like your help and if she says no, respect that. Don't make it a "I'm going off in a huff now" but do say something like "I'm just going to do xxx, I'll be in the other room, yell out when you have it sorted" and then saunter off and make yourself busy until she calls you. Sitting near her while she tries to resolve a problem will otherwise likely annoy her or make her feel pressured. I know for myself, I can often solve a problem quickly if I'm left alone to do it, but if someone is hovering I'll make mistake after mistake because I feel pressured.
Interesting, if leaving helps then it's good to know
It sounds to me like you didn’t fix the problem. The tv still can’t play the video, only the computer can
Ok but we got to watch the video which is what she wanted beu what is your point
My point is exactly what I said. You didn’t fix the tv
But that wasn't the problem in the first place? The problem was we wanted to watch a video
No, there were two problems, one causing the other. I think in this case, the tv not working became the bigger, more immediate issue in her mind. Fixing that fixes both problems, but using the hdmi cable only fixed one problem. The other was still there for her to deal with, and maybe she couldn't relax and enjoy the show due to it. I think the other commenters' suggestion of asking if she wants help is a good one. Y9u might also want to add on "How would you like me to help?" That way, you can be sure you're fixing the right problem.
Well that wasn't the thing that was making her freak out, the thing she wanted fixed rn was that she wanted to pay the video
"Mansplaining" is usually when a man explains something to someone who already knows it. Before you try explaining or suggesting things, ask if she knows or has tried that thing. Like instead of launching into a bunch of suggestions, just be like "have you tried x?" Ask instead of assuming a lack of knowledge
That's what I do but that's what she calls mansplaining, because asking is an assumption that she hasn't already tried it. I think it's a problem with how I ask, a tone a I use maybe I'm not completely sure but people say my tones through them off
No dude, you’re not the problem. She’s taking her frustration out on you. You’re not her man servant. If my wife said I “mansplained” something to her while I was helping her then I wouldn’t help her again until she apologized. Stand up for yourself. No one else will.
Maybe though I know I have a habit of being overbearing about fixing problems. We've since talked about it and she has told me about previous relationships where she was constantly made to feel inferior for everything so I can understand where her frustration comes from. We've mutually agreed that I'll try to adjust some behaviors I have that make it worse and she'll try not to jump at me when I do try to help so overall we can improve communication
I simply ask my wife if she wants me to try and help or would she rather me let her handle it. That seems to work out just fine.
I'm just gonna add this as someone who's terrible at asking and accepting help. When someone offers me help or just takes over my project to 'help' me, I immediately feel like a failure and that I'm inferior to the other person. I like to mess around with stuff I don't understand, even if I do get frustrated, because when I finally do fix it I'll feel like I accomplished something instead of feeling like I gave up or like a failure. She has to ask you for help if she doesn't like it when you ask her if she needs help. If she doesn't ask for help then don't help. If she gets upset that you didn't help her then simply say "You didn't ask for help, next time I will help you if you ask"
Thank you we've talked about it since I made this post and it seems she's had some previous relationships with guys who made her feel inferior for every little thing so she has some insecurity surrounding that. I think it'll be easier now
I'm fusterated that you don't know the word frustrated. Honestly, your GF sounds touchy and like ahe'd rake offense no matter what you do.
God forbid a guy be dyslexic Sheesh. Also we've talked about it since I asked for help here and she has had some previous relationships where guys have put her down at every turn so she does have some insecurity surrounding that, though now that we've talked I think it'll be easier
I don't even have to read your post. You're a teenager, mansplaining doesn't exist for you and anyone who tells you otherwise needs to be segregated to a small rocky island.
Sounds more like she’s stubborn and immature. She’s using the hurtful term “mansplaining” to beat you down when she’s frustrated.
Just mansplain to her that she doesn't know what she's talking about
Maybe tell your girlfriend that instead of lumping you in with a bunch of non neurodivergent men who know what they're doing is wrong she should work with your specific situation in helping instead of criticizing. Explain that social cues are sometimes tough for you and that you'd appreciate it if she'd gently point out when you're overstepping. Stress that what she's calling "mansplaining" just isn't happening here. You're not a bully looking to talk over her, you're someone with some misfiring emotional IQ who could use a little patience.
I could try this. Though I'm a situation where she's fusterated I don't think she'd be all that interested in dealing with my autistic ass lmao. I'm hoping to find a way to make it so we never make it to the point where she's too frustrated by the issue at hand to be understanding of my issues
Plenty of girls love a man who takes initiative to help their partner. Go find a girl who's not chronically online getting brainwashed by extremist feminists.
Don't talk about my girlfriend like that please. I struggle with communication but that's not her fault and it doesn't make her a "extremist femenist"
You'll learn eventually....
You date someone else who isn't so fucking rude. "Ask your mom then..." is what you say.
Sounds to me like your girlfriend expects you to be a mind reader! It's a good thing when you help and it works and she needed the help, but if you suggest something she already tried instead of being an adult and saying to you I already tried that and it didn't work she says your mansplaining this & it didn't work! She doesn't get to insult everything you say just because she already tried it! That's really immature! And then she gets mad that you didn't tell her things earlier but when you tell her something that she doesn't want to hear she excuses you of mansplaining so I wouldn't want to tell her either! Honestly this one sounds like she's full of drama I don't know how you put up with it! You can't fix this because she's doing it on purpose!
It’s insane that you’re getting downvoted. I guess women saw the “mansplaining” tagline and already made up their mind.
Just tell its actually "Man-Explain". She should know better by now.
Took me a solid 5 minutes to realize this was a joke
my wife accuses me all the time of what you are going through. Its best for my situation not to take these conversations seriously. Good luck.
I assure you, it’s not best for your situation to not take your wife seriously (if you like being married, anyway).
SAY THIS LOUDER!!!!!!
What the fuck do you know about his wife? Sounds like you’re womansplaining.
I don’t know shit about his wife. I just know that healthy relationships don’t include being dismissive and condescending of your partner’s concerns. Like, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. The same would be true if it were a woman complaining about her male partner, so feel free to get cranky elsewhere.
Stop womansplaining at me
Zing!