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Calling you a whale and a lump of fat is verbal abuse. Not changing when you tell him what he does it hurting you is also emotional abuse. Why are you tolerating abuse? Hes telling you and showing you he will not change.
For one, stop having a sex with a guy who keeps verbally abusing you.
It’s funny because he makes up these stories to explain why those names are cute and ok to say to me, and sure if it’s got a nice meaning to him great but that doesn’t change how they make me feel and I think that’s where he’s not connecting the dots…
I'm sure if you were to start baby talking his toooootally cyoooote widdle baby peepee because you're just such a gOoFbAlL, he'd be really upset.
Honestly, fuck that. Lawyer up and gtfo.
Weaponizing incompetence isn't an excuse for continually hurting you. He knows what he's doing. You have told him...yet he still doesn't care enough to stop hurting you.
If he's not willing to stop verbally abusing you there are only so many options. Personally I don't think it's healthy for you to stay in a relationship like that.
Women in abusive relationships are more likely to become ill, to get cancer. Your health is way more important than him.
Those words would make my pussy dry up & never have sex with him again. He is just cruel and there is no fixing him. So far, there has not been any consequences for his verba l attacks. There is no upside for men to stop being abusive.
He makes sex toxic & your home toxic. He doesn't make home a safe place for you. Which that constant stress makes women ill. You deserve better.
Or an auto immune disease. I was in abusive/toxic relationships for 10 years and I got MS. Had a brutal relapse. I'm now in an extremely healthy relationship and in remission and doing great
I am so happy you’re in remission!! And that you have a healthy relationship <3
MS if so difficult to go through… my grandmother had MS so I can’t imagine fighting for your life against a disease and a toxic person.
Thank you! Ms isn't as bad as it used to be. Waaaay more treatments out now. Your grandmother likely had little to no treatment options. The first crappy treatment came out in 1993! More advances come out every year. Modern medicine is great.
Avoid toxic people like your life depends on it though...because it really does.
Thank you for your insight, really hit it on the head with your point about home not feeling safe…. in that when he’s home it doesn’t feel like a safe place for me.
I mean I’d leave. He knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t care. He enjoys it. If he didn’t he would stop. He gets enjoyment out of hurting you. That’s gross for a partner. He doesn’t respect or care about you or he wouldn’t do something that hurts you continuously.
But a natural consequence following the conversation is to stop sex the moment he makes one of his verbally abusive statements to you. And don’t humour him or discuss it. “We talked about this. There’s no story that justifies you choosing to continue to hurt me.”
Also you have to know the stories are lies and he’s grasping at straws. Because you’ll fall for it.
He's having fun verbally abusing you, then having even more fun making up stories to convince you to stay. It doesn't have a nice meaning to him, he knows what he's doing, and he knows how it makes you feel. I'm sorry.
This post is heartbreaking to read. Your husband is not being a "goofball" like he says, and you are not "not seeing him," he is being verbally abusive and you are justifiably reacting to that abuse. This isn't a communication issue. He knows what he is doing, and has been for a long time, is wrong, disrespectful, and hurtful, but he chooses not to stop.
Please consider posting this in r/abusiverelationships. You deserve better than this. You are not wrong. None of this is on you.
Thank you for your insight, it’s hard to see this from another perspective when you’re so close to it.
I tried staying with my sister of state for a while and that helped a bit but now it’s just going back to what it’s usually been.
I’ll post this in that subreddit as well
He’s negging you because he’s unhappy with your weight gain. Normal, decent men don’t do this bullshit. It’s even okay to have lessened attraction or be unhappy with your partner gaining weight, but it’s never appropriate or okay to call names, make fun, etc. especially when you’ve spoken to him about it multiple times. At this point it’s abusive.
Yeah… it’s never been the same since I gained weight. Even when we were dating and I was really slim he kept saying that I should get abs and made me feel fat when I wasn’t. Idk why I didn’t see that red flag but I guess I was just young and dumb lol
Reminds me of my ex. Even when I was underweight and almost passing out due to hunger, he found something new to pick apart: my ass wasn’t toned enough. I don’t give AF about how toned my ass is!
Anyway, plleeease drop your emotionally abusive husband!
My ex husband thought I was super sexy when I was so stressed that weight literally fell off me. My friends and co-workers were really concerned. Meanwhile, he thought I looked great. It was so gross
I had some ovarian cysts that caused me to gain a bunch of weight right before COVID, explode during peak COVID, and it was difficult to lose the weight (of which a lot may have been bloat more than anything else) right away b/c we were in quarantine/social distancing during Spring 2020. My ex-boyfriend was such a dick about it. To be honest, though, the relationship had run its course and neither of us seemed to want to be the one to end it. That was really the last straw for me and he knew it. Also, I have photos from that point and while I look a little heavier than I am now, I don't look terrible. Mostly I just notice how bad my eyebrows look from me having to maintain them myself while the threading place was shut down.
However, even if I looked like a whale or didn't carry it as well as I did or if I gained it from overeating (instead of a chronic health issue rearing its head at the worst possible timing in history) or if I never lost the weight, IT DOESN'T MATTER. He was being abusive.
Omg how awful! Serious health issues like that during the pandemic were horrible. I had an impacted tooth and it was so hard to get the treatment I needed.
That can be life threatening… so sorry you went through that but glad you made it <3
And yeah… I am at the point where I don’t think it really matters how I look he will always find something to be unhappy about.
It’s really not… crazy how we’ve had these conversations for years and he just doesn’t seem to get it. He was bullied growing up so maybe that has something to do with it.
He gets it, he loves being cruel. You want him to care, to have empathy. When it is simple, he doesn't. He married to have someone to bully all the time. There is no cure for him. You can't fix him.
[https://medium.com/an-idea/the-benefits-of-being-abusive-c904d04697ee](https://medium.com/an-idea/the-benefits-of-being-abusive-c904d04697ee)
My hub was bullied. When he has jokingly said anything I don’t like, he apologizes and doesn’t do it again.
There is no excuse. Imagine telling him that he has a tiny Willy. Bet he wouldn’t find that funny.
Haha well…. True but I don’t make him feel bad about it.
Sounds like your husband is very in tune with you and your feelings, really refreshing to hear that.
I mean kinda, but what this person described is like the bare minimum courtesy you'd extend to a stranger, let alone your life partner.
This guy fucking blows.
Why would you agree to sex after being insulted??? You are rewarding his bad behavior. You don't need to "approach' this in any way. If he doesn't make you feel good the legs stay shut. A simple "no thanks" is all the response he needs. He will soon learn.
Thanks for this, I’ve been declining sex with him the past three times he’s made moves and while it’s not fixing things on his end I feel better not making myself go through the motions.
Ask him if you comment that his penis is small, he never makes you cum and has the verbal foreplay skills of a toddler (I.e. he's shit in bed) 😉 and then ask HIM if that hurt his feelings.
This is 100% verbal abuse. ANY relationship we're in should make us feel good and like MORE of ourselves. Not less. Even when there's a problem, a difficult truth, or one person has hurt or upset the other. If he were bothered by your weight gain, it would hurt to hear it, sure. But there would absolutely be a respectful and sensitive way to talk about it and support you. This is not that.
It's negging as others have said and I've been in a similar position. It's soul destroying and damaging.
I got things like "You certainly have a...... unique....... style" and "I wanted to get a picture of you tonight but I couldn't get an angle that didn't show your double chin". Like you, I was THIN. Still am. Anyone has a double chin in the right posture.
I also have a genetic white streak in my hair that I've always been self conscious of. It will not take color. He was always on about THAT.
Contrast with my best friend who is *a gay man*. He wants absolutely NOTHING that I have to offer sexually and he still makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Whenever we hang out he always greets with me a hug and a sincere compliment, and even when I got a bad haircut that I knew was bad his reaction was "It grows 🤷🏼♂️" He wasn't about to make me MORE self conscious.
He actually noticed me because of the white streak in my hair and thinks it's cool.
The people in our lives should support us and build us up. This. Is. Abuse. I'm sure if you zoom out this isn't the only abusive thing he says or does.
You’re right about that, I really feel like I’ve been losing myself and having to fight for my own identity at times. It’s hard to keep track of it all over the years.
So sorry you had a partner that treated you that way… those words hurt a lot and can stay in your mind for a long time.
Your friend sounds amazing! People like that are angels and we are lucky to encounter them.
I am fortunate to have some wonderful friends and siblings who help lift me up.
And if I recall Stacey London has a white streak in her hair and I thought it always looked sexy, idk if hers is natural but having such a cool and unique look should be complimented often.
This is really sad. He's a terrible person to treat someone he loves this way. Stop having sex with him and give him a book on how to be a decent human being.
I have PCOS also and it's crazy with the hormones and weight gain all the other stuff that happens. My husband usually tells me I'm full of love.
On a side note though, what meds are you on? My doc gave me something for insulin resistance but nothing is helping with the weight.
So, I do not have PCOS but I am T2 diabetic and I'm on Mounjaro and if you can get your insurance to approve it? It's magical. My A1c is down to 5.4! And yes, it does make losing weight easier but I was struggling so hard to get my bg under control and I legit wept at my first follow up when I got that first lower A1C reading back.
Hearing your husband say that you’re full of love literally brings tears to my eyes… that’s so beautiful.
And I am on levothoxerine for my thyroid and actually my gyno put me on a birth control for my PSOC which is helping me a lot! It’s called drospirenone
I have an IUD for BC. I actually had my thyroid checked in the last few months and was told it was high. They said I'm supppose to have high energy yet I'm always tired lol
So you tell him how his words make you feel, and he tells you it’s just how he is and you need to accept it?
I think you need this: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
I don’t know a single woman who would want to have sex with that.
>I have been struggling to connect with my husband for years now as when we are together and trying to connect be it physically or emotionally. **When we do he’s always making jokes about my body, often borderline or straight up body shaming (calling me a whale or a lump of fat)**
I'm going to chime in with a somewhat mystical perspective. Reading the thread and your responses I also notice that your husband was bullied himself in the past. This is going to be lengthy as there's much to get into.
We can start with a couple of principles:
* Liberation is always relative to physical form. Liberation in spite of physical form is not possible. **Liberation does not arise out of conscious will or willpower. Abstinence does not liberate, it enslaves.** A suffering mind only spreads the suffering to others. In order to stop causing suffering, harm and trauma to others, you first need to liberate yourself from your own suffering and heal.
* Consciousness is equal to energy. Love is always equal to karma in a relationship. Love is never physical in nature, it is meta-physical. In order to express love one must have desire. However if one's desire is to hurt, harm or abuse another there cannot be love. There can only be abuse. **You can either have a loving relationship or an abusive relationship. You cannot have both, because love is always incompatible with abuse.**
You wrote this..
>I told him that I appreciate that and that I’d like to be goofy with him but I also want to feel wanted by someone who speaks to me like an adult. Maybe I am wrong but his words make me feel like I’m with a kid and it’s a turn-off… He’s said in the past he’d try to do better but that’s not gotten anywhere.
You're not wrong at all. Your husband has unresolved past trauma, which I strongly suspect is coming from his childhood or teens. There's a lack of emotional maturity, a lack of conscious awareness, and from what I can see a lack of healing and growth from his past trauma.
Yeah sure, he's said that he will try to do better. But what does better mean here? You can only be who you are in life. You cannot be anyone else. This is why self-improvement and such things as self-love are such toxic illusions. You can only liberate yourself from your past karma and past subjectivity.
>**And is there a better way I can approach this?** I feel like this on other things in the relationship but if I we can’t work out this “small” thing how can we work on the bigger things?
There is no 'better' way. This is not a \*you\* issue, this is definitely a \*him\* issue. If you're the object of abuse in a relationship, which it looks like you are, given the fact that your husband enjoys bullying and ridiculing you in the bedroom, there's nothing you can do.
I notice that this has been a recurring pattern throughout much of your marriage over the past six years. I also want to point out that generally, as a rule of thumb, five years is sufficient for both partners to work out their past karma, inconsistencies and potential conflicts in a relationship. After five years of marriage you should know your partner well enough and have established enough of a loving relationship to be able to settle into the relationship and go through life together.
>I have PCOS and gained weight after we were married, I am on meds now and am slowly losing weight but apparently not fast enough.
This is a side issue or secondary issue. You're 29 and probably looked your best on your wedding day. You 'reincarnate' every few years and do not go through life with the same physical body, because billions of biological cells die out and are replaced according to a basic pattern or vibration. Your body mass will fluctuate throughout your life in accordance with these changes.
(continued)
But what I am noticing (and I could be wrong, because erm, this is Reddit and we don't know each other) is that the PCOS and weight gain is somehow relative to your husband's cycles of bullying and body shaming. Were there cycles of abuse and bullying before you developed PCOS? How was your relationship before you got married? See there's a couple of possibilities here. He could be objectifying you because of your weight (and there's usually a dehumanising aspect in all abusive relationships) or it could be because you're a woman.
>I used to get really emotional when trying to have these conversations with him but **over time I just feel numb**.
This is incredibly important. It's a symptom of a dying marriage. How you get treated by your partner in the bedroom is massively important. A bed is a place where we all sleep. It's the place where we need to feel safe and secure. When it comes to sex we are at our most vulnerable and naked with our partner, and likewise we need to feel secure and safe. You feel numb because your mind and your body is shutting down.
There's a real nugget of wisdom in the old Tina Turner song '[I don't want to fight no more](https://youtu.be/Yj3WhcGoSA4)'..
>Hanging on to the past, it only stands in our way
We had to grow for our love to last, but we just grew apart
This is why you've got to 'work' at your marriage. Forget religion, yoga, meditation and spiritual bullshit, the way most people grow and heal is through love, loving relationships, and marriage.
This is where you have the issue. It's all well good suggesting such things as therapy, counselling, couple's counselling, but not when you have an abusive relationship going on. There is no equanimity and no prior awakening for such things as therapy and counselling to work. In such a situation therapy and counselling is a risk.
If after so many years and you telling him repeatedly isn't working, and there's no awakening on the part of your husband, then your marriage is effectively over because in staying together you will be forever the object in the relationship and your husband the abuser. You've given your husband several years of your life, only there's no growth, no awakening. Your marriage is just a marriage of convenience and a means of making you suffer because he himself suffered in the past.
You might want to consider how much longer you want to keep this cycle going.
Thank you for taking the time to write out all this insight and advice for me I really appreciate it <3
That’s a good question, how long I want to keep putting myself through this.
Before I had PCOS and gained weight even when we were dating he would make me feel self conscious about my body.
I can’t blame him for everything because I am choosing to be here and let him hurt me.
There is a quote “we choose our own suffering” and while that doesn’t apply to everyone and everything there are times we choose to stay in a bad relationship.
I keep telling myself he will change or I can keep trying to change but that’s just gotten me here where I am numb and have forgotten who I am.
I am working through this with what I can do for myself but I know there will be a point I have to leave to break the cycle… I guess I am also just so tired I don’t want to go through the effort of leaving but I know in the end I will be better off at least separating.
Thank you for getting back to me.
This is not about blame. Truth be told we are so heavily socialised and socially conditioned by other people that it's extremely difficult for someone to make a choice out of 'free will'. I work as a mystic and shaman, which is on a different level to say a therapist or a counsellor, or psychologist. I work with meta-physics.
>There is a quote “we choose our own suffering” and while that doesn’t apply to everyone and everything there are times we choose to stay in a bad relationship.
See what you've referred to as 'we choose our own suffering' for me is simply karma and reincarnation (patterns, vibrations, rhythms, cycles). Everything about our lives is cyclical in nature, and while we know we can be doing stuff which is hurting us or are in relationships where we get hurt we may still lack the awareness or insight to break the cycles and so we are still held in place.
>I keep telling myself he will change or I can keep trying to change
He is changing, we all change, you change, I change, everyone changes. This is not the issue. The issue here is that he has some psychological attachment in the past, a belief cycle, and so keeps repeating the toxic cycle of behaviour. What he needs to do is to investigate this cycle and trace it back to when it first started happening and then let go of the attachment. It's not enough to tell him that it's hurting you, he's also got to see that it's also hurting the relationship and also hurting him as a consequence. Resolving past karma is all about breaking past cycles of beliefs, attitudes, assumptions and behaviour so that you can move forward and create new karma and new cycles.
>I am working through this with what I can do for myself but I know there will be a point I have to leave to break the cycle… I guess I am also just so tired I don’t want to go through the effort of leaving but I know in the end I will be better off at least separating.
The key thing when leaving a relationship is to understand that the actual act of leaving is just the creation of space. Then you have the process of grief from the separation and ending of the relationship which is why it's sensible to create a supportive environment to move into and to reach out for emotional and psychological support. Then you can begin to work through the psychological attachments and physical attachments to the relationship which you take with you.
What may make it easier is to appreciate the relationship and the fact that it happened. I don't believe that your husband intentionally sought to hurt you in the way that he did. He just didn't know any better. I don't believe that he didn't come into this marriage in good faith or have genuine feelings for you. It's just that together you cannot find a way past this issue without one traumatising the other. Much of what hurts here is the unfulfilled expectations and perceived loss of potential in the marriage.
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Calling you a whale and a lump of fat is verbal abuse. Not changing when you tell him what he does it hurting you is also emotional abuse. Why are you tolerating abuse? Hes telling you and showing you he will not change. For one, stop having a sex with a guy who keeps verbally abusing you.
I'd be as dry as the Sahara if someone said that to me when we were being intimate. Throw out the whole man.
It’s funny because he makes up these stories to explain why those names are cute and ok to say to me, and sure if it’s got a nice meaning to him great but that doesn’t change how they make me feel and I think that’s where he’s not connecting the dots…
I'm sure if you were to start baby talking his toooootally cyoooote widdle baby peepee because you're just such a gOoFbAlL, he'd be really upset. Honestly, fuck that. Lawyer up and gtfo.
Weaponizing incompetence isn't an excuse for continually hurting you. He knows what he's doing. You have told him...yet he still doesn't care enough to stop hurting you.
I guess I don’t know what the next step is… conversations don’t seem to make a real difference
If he's not willing to stop verbally abusing you there are only so many options. Personally I don't think it's healthy for you to stay in a relationship like that.
I appreciate that, and it’s not healthy! My health has declined significantly over the years and I’m just now getting back on my feet
Your health has to be your top priority...
Women in abusive relationships are more likely to become ill, to get cancer. Your health is way more important than him. Those words would make my pussy dry up & never have sex with him again. He is just cruel and there is no fixing him. So far, there has not been any consequences for his verba l attacks. There is no upside for men to stop being abusive. He makes sex toxic & your home toxic. He doesn't make home a safe place for you. Which that constant stress makes women ill. You deserve better.
Or an auto immune disease. I was in abusive/toxic relationships for 10 years and I got MS. Had a brutal relapse. I'm now in an extremely healthy relationship and in remission and doing great
I am so happy you’re in remission!! And that you have a healthy relationship <3 MS if so difficult to go through… my grandmother had MS so I can’t imagine fighting for your life against a disease and a toxic person.
Thank you! Ms isn't as bad as it used to be. Waaaay more treatments out now. Your grandmother likely had little to no treatment options. The first crappy treatment came out in 1993! More advances come out every year. Modern medicine is great. Avoid toxic people like your life depends on it though...because it really does.
Thank you for your insight, really hit it on the head with your point about home not feeling safe…. in that when he’s home it doesn’t feel like a safe place for me.
Which wrecks your nervous system.
I mean I’d leave. He knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t care. He enjoys it. If he didn’t he would stop. He gets enjoyment out of hurting you. That’s gross for a partner. He doesn’t respect or care about you or he wouldn’t do something that hurts you continuously. But a natural consequence following the conversation is to stop sex the moment he makes one of his verbally abusive statements to you. And don’t humour him or discuss it. “We talked about this. There’s no story that justifies you choosing to continue to hurt me.” Also you have to know the stories are lies and he’s grasping at straws. Because you’ll fall for it.
He's having fun verbally abusing you, then having even more fun making up stories to convince you to stay. It doesn't have a nice meaning to him, he knows what he's doing, and he knows how it makes you feel. I'm sorry.
This post is heartbreaking to read. Your husband is not being a "goofball" like he says, and you are not "not seeing him," he is being verbally abusive and you are justifiably reacting to that abuse. This isn't a communication issue. He knows what he is doing, and has been for a long time, is wrong, disrespectful, and hurtful, but he chooses not to stop. Please consider posting this in r/abusiverelationships. You deserve better than this. You are not wrong. None of this is on you.
Thank you for your insight, it’s hard to see this from another perspective when you’re so close to it. I tried staying with my sister of state for a while and that helped a bit but now it’s just going back to what it’s usually been. I’ll post this in that subreddit as well
He’s negging you because he’s unhappy with your weight gain. Normal, decent men don’t do this bullshit. It’s even okay to have lessened attraction or be unhappy with your partner gaining weight, but it’s never appropriate or okay to call names, make fun, etc. especially when you’ve spoken to him about it multiple times. At this point it’s abusive.
Yeah… it’s never been the same since I gained weight. Even when we were dating and I was really slim he kept saying that I should get abs and made me feel fat when I wasn’t. Idk why I didn’t see that red flag but I guess I was just young and dumb lol
Reminds me of my ex. Even when I was underweight and almost passing out due to hunger, he found something new to pick apart: my ass wasn’t toned enough. I don’t give AF about how toned my ass is! Anyway, plleeease drop your emotionally abusive husband!
My ex husband thought I was super sexy when I was so stressed that weight literally fell off me. My friends and co-workers were really concerned. Meanwhile, he thought I looked great. It was so gross
I had some ovarian cysts that caused me to gain a bunch of weight right before COVID, explode during peak COVID, and it was difficult to lose the weight (of which a lot may have been bloat more than anything else) right away b/c we were in quarantine/social distancing during Spring 2020. My ex-boyfriend was such a dick about it. To be honest, though, the relationship had run its course and neither of us seemed to want to be the one to end it. That was really the last straw for me and he knew it. Also, I have photos from that point and while I look a little heavier than I am now, I don't look terrible. Mostly I just notice how bad my eyebrows look from me having to maintain them myself while the threading place was shut down. However, even if I looked like a whale or didn't carry it as well as I did or if I gained it from overeating (instead of a chronic health issue rearing its head at the worst possible timing in history) or if I never lost the weight, IT DOESN'T MATTER. He was being abusive.
Omg how awful! Serious health issues like that during the pandemic were horrible. I had an impacted tooth and it was so hard to get the treatment I needed. That can be life threatening… so sorry you went through that but glad you made it <3 And yeah… I am at the point where I don’t think it really matters how I look he will always find something to be unhappy about.
Thank you. I am close with my gyno and he was able to see me immediately at his office, so I didn’t have to go to the ER.
He just likes to put you down.
Or he's negging her because she's losing weight now and he's afraid she won't be attracted to him anymore
Calling you a whale, a lump of fat or squishy is NOT funny. The fact that he doesn’t care about your feelings speaks volumes. He’s a bully.
It’s really not… crazy how we’ve had these conversations for years and he just doesn’t seem to get it. He was bullied growing up so maybe that has something to do with it.
He gets it, he loves being cruel. You want him to care, to have empathy. When it is simple, he doesn't. He married to have someone to bully all the time. There is no cure for him. You can't fix him. [https://medium.com/an-idea/the-benefits-of-being-abusive-c904d04697ee](https://medium.com/an-idea/the-benefits-of-being-abusive-c904d04697ee)
My hub was bullied. When he has jokingly said anything I don’t like, he apologizes and doesn’t do it again. There is no excuse. Imagine telling him that he has a tiny Willy. Bet he wouldn’t find that funny.
I was bullied when I was younger. Now I'm the kind of person no one would believe ever got bullied. And I STILL don't bully people. There's no excuse.
Haha well…. True but I don’t make him feel bad about it. Sounds like your husband is very in tune with you and your feelings, really refreshing to hear that.
But that’s how it should be.
I mean kinda, but what this person described is like the bare minimum courtesy you'd extend to a stranger, let alone your life partner. This guy fucking blows.
Why would you agree to sex after being insulted??? You are rewarding his bad behavior. You don't need to "approach' this in any way. If he doesn't make you feel good the legs stay shut. A simple "no thanks" is all the response he needs. He will soon learn.
Thanks for this, I’ve been declining sex with him the past three times he’s made moves and while it’s not fixing things on his end I feel better not making myself go through the motions.
“your so squishy” "Sorry, I'm no longer in the mood considering you just insulted me. Maybe tomorrow night."
Imma have to keep that reply in my back pocket for next time haha
Just remember we don't reward bad behavior.
I need to remember that
Ask him if you comment that his penis is small, he never makes you cum and has the verbal foreplay skills of a toddler (I.e. he's shit in bed) 😉 and then ask HIM if that hurt his feelings.
This is 100% verbal abuse. ANY relationship we're in should make us feel good and like MORE of ourselves. Not less. Even when there's a problem, a difficult truth, or one person has hurt or upset the other. If he were bothered by your weight gain, it would hurt to hear it, sure. But there would absolutely be a respectful and sensitive way to talk about it and support you. This is not that. It's negging as others have said and I've been in a similar position. It's soul destroying and damaging. I got things like "You certainly have a...... unique....... style" and "I wanted to get a picture of you tonight but I couldn't get an angle that didn't show your double chin". Like you, I was THIN. Still am. Anyone has a double chin in the right posture. I also have a genetic white streak in my hair that I've always been self conscious of. It will not take color. He was always on about THAT. Contrast with my best friend who is *a gay man*. He wants absolutely NOTHING that I have to offer sexually and he still makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Whenever we hang out he always greets with me a hug and a sincere compliment, and even when I got a bad haircut that I knew was bad his reaction was "It grows 🤷🏼♂️" He wasn't about to make me MORE self conscious. He actually noticed me because of the white streak in my hair and thinks it's cool. The people in our lives should support us and build us up. This. Is. Abuse. I'm sure if you zoom out this isn't the only abusive thing he says or does.
You’re right about that, I really feel like I’ve been losing myself and having to fight for my own identity at times. It’s hard to keep track of it all over the years. So sorry you had a partner that treated you that way… those words hurt a lot and can stay in your mind for a long time. Your friend sounds amazing! People like that are angels and we are lucky to encounter them. I am fortunate to have some wonderful friends and siblings who help lift me up. And if I recall Stacey London has a white streak in her hair and I thought it always looked sexy, idk if hers is natural but having such a cool and unique look should be complimented often.
He’s abusive leave him there should be no next time , that’s not love hun
No no no. He doesn’t get to body shame you during foreplay let alone at any other time. No wonder you’re feeling numb towards him.
This is really sad. He's a terrible person to treat someone he loves this way. Stop having sex with him and give him a book on how to be a decent human being.
You assume he loves her, when every word out of his mouth says the opposite.
I have PCOS also and it's crazy with the hormones and weight gain all the other stuff that happens. My husband usually tells me I'm full of love. On a side note though, what meds are you on? My doc gave me something for insulin resistance but nothing is helping with the weight.
So, I do not have PCOS but I am T2 diabetic and I'm on Mounjaro and if you can get your insurance to approve it? It's magical. My A1c is down to 5.4! And yes, it does make losing weight easier but I was struggling so hard to get my bg under control and I legit wept at my first follow up when I got that first lower A1C reading back.
Hearing your husband say that you’re full of love literally brings tears to my eyes… that’s so beautiful. And I am on levothoxerine for my thyroid and actually my gyno put me on a birth control for my PSOC which is helping me a lot! It’s called drospirenone
I have an IUD for BC. I actually had my thyroid checked in the last few months and was told it was high. They said I'm supppose to have high energy yet I'm always tired lol
So you tell him how his words make you feel, and he tells you it’s just how he is and you need to accept it? I think you need this: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E I don’t know a single woman who would want to have sex with that.
Thank you for this, my score was 40 so….. yeah definitely not good.
Point out your concerned his dick is getting smaller as he's getting older and suggest enlargement surgery...
>I have been struggling to connect with my husband for years now as when we are together and trying to connect be it physically or emotionally. **When we do he’s always making jokes about my body, often borderline or straight up body shaming (calling me a whale or a lump of fat)** I'm going to chime in with a somewhat mystical perspective. Reading the thread and your responses I also notice that your husband was bullied himself in the past. This is going to be lengthy as there's much to get into. We can start with a couple of principles: * Liberation is always relative to physical form. Liberation in spite of physical form is not possible. **Liberation does not arise out of conscious will or willpower. Abstinence does not liberate, it enslaves.** A suffering mind only spreads the suffering to others. In order to stop causing suffering, harm and trauma to others, you first need to liberate yourself from your own suffering and heal. * Consciousness is equal to energy. Love is always equal to karma in a relationship. Love is never physical in nature, it is meta-physical. In order to express love one must have desire. However if one's desire is to hurt, harm or abuse another there cannot be love. There can only be abuse. **You can either have a loving relationship or an abusive relationship. You cannot have both, because love is always incompatible with abuse.** You wrote this.. >I told him that I appreciate that and that I’d like to be goofy with him but I also want to feel wanted by someone who speaks to me like an adult. Maybe I am wrong but his words make me feel like I’m with a kid and it’s a turn-off… He’s said in the past he’d try to do better but that’s not gotten anywhere. You're not wrong at all. Your husband has unresolved past trauma, which I strongly suspect is coming from his childhood or teens. There's a lack of emotional maturity, a lack of conscious awareness, and from what I can see a lack of healing and growth from his past trauma. Yeah sure, he's said that he will try to do better. But what does better mean here? You can only be who you are in life. You cannot be anyone else. This is why self-improvement and such things as self-love are such toxic illusions. You can only liberate yourself from your past karma and past subjectivity. >**And is there a better way I can approach this?** I feel like this on other things in the relationship but if I we can’t work out this “small” thing how can we work on the bigger things? There is no 'better' way. This is not a \*you\* issue, this is definitely a \*him\* issue. If you're the object of abuse in a relationship, which it looks like you are, given the fact that your husband enjoys bullying and ridiculing you in the bedroom, there's nothing you can do. I notice that this has been a recurring pattern throughout much of your marriage over the past six years. I also want to point out that generally, as a rule of thumb, five years is sufficient for both partners to work out their past karma, inconsistencies and potential conflicts in a relationship. After five years of marriage you should know your partner well enough and have established enough of a loving relationship to be able to settle into the relationship and go through life together. >I have PCOS and gained weight after we were married, I am on meds now and am slowly losing weight but apparently not fast enough. This is a side issue or secondary issue. You're 29 and probably looked your best on your wedding day. You 'reincarnate' every few years and do not go through life with the same physical body, because billions of biological cells die out and are replaced according to a basic pattern or vibration. Your body mass will fluctuate throughout your life in accordance with these changes.
(continued) But what I am noticing (and I could be wrong, because erm, this is Reddit and we don't know each other) is that the PCOS and weight gain is somehow relative to your husband's cycles of bullying and body shaming. Were there cycles of abuse and bullying before you developed PCOS? How was your relationship before you got married? See there's a couple of possibilities here. He could be objectifying you because of your weight (and there's usually a dehumanising aspect in all abusive relationships) or it could be because you're a woman. >I used to get really emotional when trying to have these conversations with him but **over time I just feel numb**. This is incredibly important. It's a symptom of a dying marriage. How you get treated by your partner in the bedroom is massively important. A bed is a place where we all sleep. It's the place where we need to feel safe and secure. When it comes to sex we are at our most vulnerable and naked with our partner, and likewise we need to feel secure and safe. You feel numb because your mind and your body is shutting down. There's a real nugget of wisdom in the old Tina Turner song '[I don't want to fight no more](https://youtu.be/Yj3WhcGoSA4)'.. >Hanging on to the past, it only stands in our way We had to grow for our love to last, but we just grew apart This is why you've got to 'work' at your marriage. Forget religion, yoga, meditation and spiritual bullshit, the way most people grow and heal is through love, loving relationships, and marriage. This is where you have the issue. It's all well good suggesting such things as therapy, counselling, couple's counselling, but not when you have an abusive relationship going on. There is no equanimity and no prior awakening for such things as therapy and counselling to work. In such a situation therapy and counselling is a risk. If after so many years and you telling him repeatedly isn't working, and there's no awakening on the part of your husband, then your marriage is effectively over because in staying together you will be forever the object in the relationship and your husband the abuser. You've given your husband several years of your life, only there's no growth, no awakening. Your marriage is just a marriage of convenience and a means of making you suffer because he himself suffered in the past. You might want to consider how much longer you want to keep this cycle going.
Thank you for taking the time to write out all this insight and advice for me I really appreciate it <3 That’s a good question, how long I want to keep putting myself through this. Before I had PCOS and gained weight even when we were dating he would make me feel self conscious about my body. I can’t blame him for everything because I am choosing to be here and let him hurt me. There is a quote “we choose our own suffering” and while that doesn’t apply to everyone and everything there are times we choose to stay in a bad relationship. I keep telling myself he will change or I can keep trying to change but that’s just gotten me here where I am numb and have forgotten who I am. I am working through this with what I can do for myself but I know there will be a point I have to leave to break the cycle… I guess I am also just so tired I don’t want to go through the effort of leaving but I know in the end I will be better off at least separating.
Thank you for getting back to me. This is not about blame. Truth be told we are so heavily socialised and socially conditioned by other people that it's extremely difficult for someone to make a choice out of 'free will'. I work as a mystic and shaman, which is on a different level to say a therapist or a counsellor, or psychologist. I work with meta-physics. >There is a quote “we choose our own suffering” and while that doesn’t apply to everyone and everything there are times we choose to stay in a bad relationship. See what you've referred to as 'we choose our own suffering' for me is simply karma and reincarnation (patterns, vibrations, rhythms, cycles). Everything about our lives is cyclical in nature, and while we know we can be doing stuff which is hurting us or are in relationships where we get hurt we may still lack the awareness or insight to break the cycles and so we are still held in place. >I keep telling myself he will change or I can keep trying to change He is changing, we all change, you change, I change, everyone changes. This is not the issue. The issue here is that he has some psychological attachment in the past, a belief cycle, and so keeps repeating the toxic cycle of behaviour. What he needs to do is to investigate this cycle and trace it back to when it first started happening and then let go of the attachment. It's not enough to tell him that it's hurting you, he's also got to see that it's also hurting the relationship and also hurting him as a consequence. Resolving past karma is all about breaking past cycles of beliefs, attitudes, assumptions and behaviour so that you can move forward and create new karma and new cycles. >I am working through this with what I can do for myself but I know there will be a point I have to leave to break the cycle… I guess I am also just so tired I don’t want to go through the effort of leaving but I know in the end I will be better off at least separating. The key thing when leaving a relationship is to understand that the actual act of leaving is just the creation of space. Then you have the process of grief from the separation and ending of the relationship which is why it's sensible to create a supportive environment to move into and to reach out for emotional and psychological support. Then you can begin to work through the psychological attachments and physical attachments to the relationship which you take with you. What may make it easier is to appreciate the relationship and the fact that it happened. I don't believe that your husband intentionally sought to hurt you in the way that he did. He just didn't know any better. I don't believe that he didn't come into this marriage in good faith or have genuine feelings for you. It's just that together you cannot find a way past this issue without one traumatising the other. Much of what hurts here is the unfulfilled expectations and perceived loss of potential in the marriage.