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Imagine what she would be like drunk when she's out without him there? I can not see a happy ever after with this relationship. The trust is shattered, and who she is has been revealed.
The moment her lips touched that guys in front of me I would have absolutely lost control and done things that could never be taken back. Not that I would have allowed things to get anywhere *near* that far in the first place.
Loyalty, Fidelity, Propriety, Trustworthiness.
Nothing is more important in a committed relationship.
She failed, indeed.
Once a cheater, always a cheater!
just one word to say Betrayal. while drunk she showed her true colors. i wouldn't be surprised if she ends up cheating on you while drunk then blames the cheating on being drunk.
good luck
the other word is "disgust". once you get the ick from your partner there's no going back.
it's over, brother. it can be over quick, or it can be over slow, but it's over.
Honest to God it would've been over right there for me.
"Yea sure that sounds great." Immediately leave and throw all her shit outside when I get home. Not my fuckin problem anymore. 😂
Exit stage left.
She cheated on you with the excuse of a game and chased the naughty. She can chase it right the hell out the door,
Sure she will apologize and blame the alcohol. But guess what, she won’t stop drinking and after a little bit be pissed if you bring it up again. And she absolutely would have followed through if you had gone with it. Because right then her naughty fun was more important than not betraying and hurting you. You weren’t worth a thought.
Move on because you deserve better and be glad it didn’t happen after marriage or kids.
That is what I can’t get out of my head. Is that I believe she would have followed through if I wasn’t there or didn’t come back from the bathroom how far would it have gone ?
Because most people here don’t end the relationship, they delete their post and try to carry on till it falls apart sometime later.
The denial stage lasts a long time for many people.
> if I wasn’t there or didn’t come back from the bathroom how far would it have gone ?
What do you mean? From your post it sounds like you came back from the bathroom and she was still pushing to follow through, even to the point that she was going tk have a threesome with them without you. That sounds to me like she was planning to follow through
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who, on every girls night out getting drunk from this point on, will pretty much be capable of anything remotely unfaithful. Jeez.
Gross. The first time she chose to cheat on you was when she kissed other people in front of you and not "taking a penalty."
Everything else that followed just added to all faith and trust was lost in her and the relationship.
Break up.
Yep, surprised it took so long for me to find someone talking about the cheating that ALREADY happened.
If it would have been cheating _outside_ of the context of the game, doesn't make it suddenly okay _within_ the context of the game. If everyone agrees (enthusiastically) to playing such a game and knows what they're getting into, sure, maybe, but that definitely wasn't the case here. OP was uncomfortable with the game ramping up and it should've ended before it got to that point.
Normally I'd say "play stupid games, win stupid prizes", but in this case it's actually great that OP found out the truth.
You know what they say about inhibitions while drunk? It lowers them. Something brewing in the back of her mind. Releases dopamine. And I think it does bring out their true self to some degree. I would ask her about what happened and gauge her response.
Why are you putting up with this, friend? This is a betrayal of the relationship and a level of disrespect worth.breaking up over. Please have some self respect and break up. It is not worth it to invest your time in someone who gets this skanky when intoxicated even in your presence. What will happen when she gets drunk and you are not there?
Alcohol DOES NOT bring out people's *true* selves. It reduces your inhibitions and makes it much easier to go along with/instigate things you would otherwise know are a bad idea. It's not some truth serum that brings out your deepest, darkest, *truest* self - it makes you sloppy and prone to immediate reaction to stimulus. I suggest you disabuse yourself of that notion.
Regardless, your girlfriend has proven herself to be someone other than who you thought she was. Ultimately, being drunk is not an excuse for this type of behavior. I don't know how or why you would trust her after this incident. And without trust, what is the point of a relationship? I get that three years is a relatively long time, but when compared with spending the next 30 with someone you can't rely on and always wonder about, it's a blip. In your shoes, I'd walk away and let her know exactly why.
What she did was cheating. She propositioned the other couple to do sexual things while you were out of the room. You only found out because the other girl told you.
Sounds like she has been hiding her cheating nature and it came out when she got overly drunk.
I doubt that it was the other girl's idea, and the guy could likely tell that his girl was uncomfortable, do the likely conclusion is it was your gf's proposition (she kept flashing, kissing the other guy, and then wanted a 3some without you)
She was willing to do all of that while you were in the same room with you, what does she do when you arent around?
Get ready. She’s going to blame everything on the alcohol and gaslight you into thinking that you’re at fault for overreacting. I might be wrong but that’s normally the pattern when a girl does anything under the influence.
I was drunk, I don't remember. It's out of character. Nothing but excuses no acknowledgment at all at what she's done and no remorse. Most people that have done far less than she has would at least have said sorry to the person they wronged.
No sorry I exposed myself to other people sexually in front of you.
No sorry I cheated on you right in front of your face with another man.
No sorry I took the first opportunity you weren't there to proposition two other people for sex.
No sorry I made sure to tell them that you weren't even a consideration.
No sorry I betrayed, humiliated & disrespected you and our relationship in front of your friends and coworkers.
All of what she did no one should be able to do and not expect to have been dumped there and then. She doesn't even imagine this as a possibility now. Why? Because just like last night you and your feelings don't really matter. She viewed things last night solely from her perspective, she wanted to do these things so she did. She's still doing this now, the tears aren't for any hurt she caused you. It's for her embarrassment for what she might go through. You are not a consideration.
You said the other chick was uncomfortable with your partner being sexual towards her. Then you went to the bathroom and said they proposed a threesome sneakily. Do you think the other couple was playing into it or just the guy? Either way you all need to talk and see where it goes from there. I know what I would do in this situation.
The guy was definitely playing into it. The important part I missed out in the original post is that the other woman and myself work together in the same team. We’ve definitely a very close platonic relationship and I have no sexual attraction toward her even though she isn’t unattractive
Yea not only is this disgusting behavior (when there's no prior conversation about boundaries), it's also fucking embarrassing. Jesus Christ dude what are you waiting for exactly?
The problem actually originates when they started the night by playing a risqué, sexual drinking game with fucking coworkers.
This whole story (if true) is just stupid decisions all the way down from literally every participant.
I think both you and the other woman have some hard decisions to make regarding your partners.
Hopefully you waited until she sobered up to talk to her.
Definitely do not blame you for wanting to dump this girl. Not only was she incredibly inappropriate and I would consider what she did cheating, but she embarrassed you in front of a work colleague?!? That's wild. It honestly sounds like both you and the female work colleague deserve new partners.
Definitely do not blame you for wanting to dump this girl. Not only was she incredibly inappropriate and I would consider what she did cheating, but she embarrassed you in front of a work colleague?!? That's wild. It honestly sounds like both you and the female work colleague deserve new partners.
It sounds like it was initiating everything. Your whole story, the other woman doesn’t sound happy with your wife at all and is trying to be polite and just get through the evening. I don’t think the other couple were being sneaky, just your partner.
Buddy, take this as a lesson to enforce boundaries early in a relationship and don’t play games with them. You and your should-be EX girlfriend are NOT like minded. Don’t use alcohol as an excuse as it only lowers inhibitions, revealing likely desires.
Talk to her when she’s sobers up and end this amicably. If you stay with her, you’ll be on here again saying she cheated on you, guaranteed.
Maybe she needs to not drink anymore because it's obvious she can't handle her alcohol
I know for myself, had my wife done this after drinking, I would have made Mt St Helens eruption look like a pimple pop, fuck being nice I would have called everyone there out that night, just as she say the same had the rolls been reversed
That seems to be a serious character flaw you haven't been introduced to yet that might be an underlying larger concern, such as a propensity to alcoholism that is yet to be noticed
Good luck
The second she kissed the other guy was the red flag flying in the wind. Your relationship died in front of your eyes. Let the relationship go. The trust is gone.
She said she was black out drunk and doesn’t remember the end of the night. When I told her what happened, she got extremely upset and said it was so far out of character and she has no idea why she would have said or done that. She said that she is genuinely shocked and extremely embarrassed. I can tell she is genuinely upset about it, but that doesn’t ease my feelings or pain about the situation. I can’t shake the “what ifs” that I’ve got in my head.
> she got extremely upset and said it was so far out of character and she has no idea why she would have said or done that. She said that she is genuinely shocked and extremely embarrassed
Obviously you didn't include her entire response, but nowhere in your recollection did she express regret or appologies for what she did, only that she seems to be ashamed/regretful of you seeing her do it.
It is possible that she doesn't remember, when you drink enough your mind stops recording memories, but it doesn't make you into a different person.
She fully intended to cheat on you last night (and did if you consider her kissing the other guy instead of sipping her drink) or set up a chance to cheat later
It is possible that she doesn't remember, when you drink enough your mind stops recording memories, but it doesn't make you into a different person.
Exactly. I recently had my first and hopefully only blackout while drinking a few weeks ago. My fiance said I acted as I normally do and he had no idea I was that drunk.
FYI, for people that don't know, it isn't necessarily how drunk you are but how quickly you consume the alcohol that causes memories not to be formed any longer which is all the more reason to kick her.
“Black out drunk” is a common lie by cheaters.
Did she pass out in a pool of her own vomit? Did you have to carry her to a bed? No? Then she wasn’t black out drunk.
Did she say she won’t be drinking anymore? I bet not.
In vino veritas. If you can't trust her when you go to the bathroom how are you ever going to trust her when she goes out without you. This relationship is done.
If she can behave this way when she is with you while drunk, just imagine what she will do when you are not around? Man, If I were you, I will not continue this relationship. Continueing this relationship is like investing for future mental agony and heart breaks. Be wise and take the right decision.
Let me tell you a story you might find relevant.
I went with a relative and his friends to a cabin in the woods about a year ago, as I do every year. I don't drink, but him and his friends do. His best friend's girlfriend got drunk along with most other people there and wanted to sleep with me. She never outright said it but I was pretty sure based on her behavior. Needless to say, it didn't happen, but she wasn't happy with me when I started trying to avoid her. Next morning, she realized she had a drinking problem and quit drinking. Been sober for a year now. Just saw her again at the cabin this year and when everyone else was drinking she went to bed.
Others have said this already, but she has already cheated on you. How you wish to process and react to that is up to you. But truly remorseful people don't just blame the booze, they own up to the problem and make the changes that need to be made. Otherwise, they are not really sorry. They are just sorry they got caught. If she is sorry, she will change.
Another nugget of wisdom: you can't force people to change. The woman in the story wasn't forced to change, she made the changes herself. She wasn't badgered or given an ultimatum. Don't even bother with that.
Yeah, "what ifs" like this are no way to live. Certainly not within a relationship.
Thoughts like this are in her head somewhere. (even if not full aware of them) And they need to be discussed. Suppressing these thoughts can only make things worse in the long run.If heavy drinking brought them out, perhaps the two of you need to put a limit on excessive drinking?
Even with that, you need reassurance. Reassurance that only an open and honest discussion can bring. A discussion in a calm and non-accusatory manner. Perhaps some boundaries need to be redefined. Have you all discussed fantasies before.
Neither of you should allow this to be swept under the rug. That is how resentment and second guessing builds. (more "what ifs") You need complete honesty though. And try not to let egos get in the way.
I think you and your co-worker need to reevaluate your relationships. Her man was ready to pounce on your partner knowing her uncomfortable feeling, and your partner was trying to get a threesome going that didn’t include you. Alcohol doesn’t make you do things you wouldn’t do, it lowers your inhibitions so you do things you want to but were too scared to try.
So these drinking games were at your house with you as host. Whose game was it and had you never played it before? Seems like you as a couple opened the door to this here.
Your partner has:
- Alcohol issues.
- Boundary issues.
- Sexually harassed people.
- Tried to negotiate group sex involving you without your consent, then tried to negotiate group sex without you without your consent.
This relationship is terrible. She needs to take a look at her behaviour in therapy and AA after you break up with her.
This is extremely hurtful & unfaithful I'm sorry you have to go through such a thing.
However, given that your girlfriend tried to engage in a threesome with two other people (excluding you) my advice is to move on & find someone who deserves you. I've also been cheated on before unfortunately & I don't believe in giving out chances, if she can break trust & do such a thing she'll undoubtably do so again.
There's very important resources out there to assist you with going through a breakup, you must understand you're mental health & wellbeing is more important. I say never again!
Sorry man once again.
Dude… bummer man. You can always find the truth, but the real truth is, she kinda tested your boundaries and might have been willing to exclude you… I think you know what to do, but might feel like you can just ignore it…. That’s going to be hard! Best of luck, there is no right or wrong answer. Just make sure not to get deep into you feelings and try to move past or on!
Your options are basically find out if she feels bad about having fucked up that bad and go from there. If she does feel bad, there might be something worth recovering. If not, she’s not prepared to be monogamous. If that’s something you need, y’all aren’t going to work. Kick her to the curb and move on.
All of that said, if there’s no trust, there’s no relationship. Losing trust in a relationship isn’t just starting over. At the beginning of the relationship, there’s zero, but no reason to not have hope. Things like this take trust to a negative level. Pretty tough to come back from that.
The title should be: my partner tried to cheat. The fact she tried to do so in front of you too... The disrespect.
You can either try therapy. Try to understand her thought process. Even if she was drunk... The implications of her wanting a 3some without you, suggesting it when you left (so she was still lucid enough to know it was better to suggest it when you werent there) and try to repair.
Or what i would do, break up. I wouldnt want to be in a relationship that acts like this when theyre drunk. I would also feel disgust.
I suggest you don’t socialise with your coworker and her partner for a while. A long while. Maybe tell her you didn’t appreciate her partner coming on to your gf when she was obviously drunk.
As for your gf, if she can’t handle her drinking then suggest she should abstain from now on. And if you don’t think you can trust her then it’s ok to break up. Even if you do decide to give her another chance, keep your eyes open.
I really don't like people who try to use being drunk to as a justification for their awful behaviour. She showed you who she really is and now that you have realized it she is crying crocodile tears. I believe if you stay with her you will get burned - sooner or later.
Your partner of 3 monogamous years effectively shows you that she would want to fuck anyone but you, and your reaction is “I don’t know if I want to be with her anymore”? :)) You’re not sure? :))
I agree she was way over the line in that last action. A drunken flirtation and a kiss in front of you are all things I feel can be overcome with some communication. Her trying to initiate something without you as soon as you left the room, and hide it - that’s a huge lack of respect that I don’t know I’d be able to look past easily. She needs to own up to what happened but being super drunk is going to make that hard. I think you should evaluate this in the context of your relationship as a whole when making a decision, but I don’t think you’d be unjustified to break it off over this.
You can intellectualise it and come to any conclusion you want to justify any decision based on these events. Go with your gut, do you feel disgusted by her? If so leave and don’t be around her for a while, if you’re still disgusted think about making the break permanent.
Don’t verbally abuse and be as good faith as you can in all discussions. Distance from her and time apart will show you what the best decision moving forward is. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re hurting right now.
Explain she may want to consider her actions while heavily drinking. That her actions concerned you and you’re having feelings of distrust. She may have some decisions to make and there no clear path forward with the relationship if the alcohol and interests in others is present.
(This was you, not me, and there are logical consequences and boundaries)
Whose stupid idea was it to play a sexual game with friends? Maybe initiating a threesome was way too far but how didn’t you see where it was going, why not stop playing when you started seeing that this game could bring the players to places they would later regret going to?
The biggest red flag to me is that she didn’t care whether the other people in this situation were comfortable. Not you, not the woman who was clearly her friend, nothing. That alone is behavior I’d take as a sign she doesn’t value her people the way she should. Imagine if the genders were reversed, she would come off as a TOTAL creep. I’d talk with her about how your trust has been broken and how disgusted it made you feel to know that she would treat people like that, regardless of intoxication. She may try to pass it off on the alcohol, but unless she comes clean and recognizes it was super wrong, asks forgiveness and is honest about her desire to open your relationship (something she clearly has thought about, and you may not be receptive to, which is totally your prerogative) then ya’ll are basically done. I’m sorry :(
My husband likes to drink and he doesn't do this shit. He was pretty drunk at a bar a couple months ago and got hit on by a few people and let them down /curved them. When you are drunk YOU ARE STILL AWARE OF YOUR MORAL CODE. Your lady doesn't have a moral code. Also in the future if you feel uncomfortable SPEAK UP. you didn't want to "kill the mood" but it was at the expense of your boundaries. You let your lady push you past what makes you comfortable and she's sketchy because this seemed non consenting on three out of four people there. I have a buddy with an open marriage and they've never asked / done anything sexually inappropriate to me because they understand my view on remaining monogamous to my husband. You need to be bold and have boundaries surrounding your sexuality. Do not light yourself on fire to keep people warm.
One thing to consider is that had the female been into it you would have walked out to all of them hooking up on the couch. It’s a big red flag she’s interested in sex with other people while in a monogamous relationship. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions but she was obviously interested and open to that alcohol or not. Would you ever trust her drinking with others again- especially if you were not there?
If she acts that way when she's drunk I can only imagine how she acts when she's sober drunk people speak a sober mind. I will pack up a s*** if she lived with me and put her ass on the curb and if she did not live with you I would tell her to not contact me anymore and block her on everything
This sounds like a night of intoxication that got out of hand by your partner.
There needs to be a long talk with I am sure will be some embarrassed on your partners part.
There should be boundaries set. If these are crossed then there is every right to end the relationship.
I'd be just as pissed. If she ever wanted to explore like that she should have discussed it with you first privately to judge your comfort level. And if not comfortable, then drop it completely or part ways if she needed more. That's respect.
Even if you'd be willing to out aside her disrespecting and betraying you specifically - would you want to be in a relationship with someone who keeps making sexual advances on people, even after it is clear that they are not comfortable with that?
U need to leave bro she's tried to cheat on u and the got shut down he could claim she was drunk but she knew exactly what she was doing.
U can't trust her she did that while u were with her what is she doing when you're not there?
I am surprised you are asking us how to proceed, while it should be obvious that the only think you should do is end the relationship immediately! What she did was completely unacceptable!
On a side-note, you are in some way responsible for this too! You should have taken charge and nipped it in the bud when she was getting drunk, or - later - when she started flashing her tits. That would have been the moment to take charge, tell your girlfriend that she has had enough to drink, say goodnight to the other couple and leave (with her!).
But then you wouldn't have known what you know now.
I am sorry this happened to you. Good luck & strength.
I would like to take this opportunity to address the fact that I have no problem taking accountability for not speaking up and letting it get to the point it did. That was on me, but we were in my home and they were also staying with us. Not an excuse - I’m only providing information.
You're not being fragile. And this isn't about your ego.... It's about your trust. Now you know you can't trust her to behave when she's drunk.
If you want to live with her with this doubt forever hanging over your shoulder, then stay with her. Otherwise breaking up would be the wise choice.
Dude this is not ok for her to do man, get out of there before she pushes to do more stuff that makes you uncomfortable or disgusted.
I would never kiss any other guy other than my partner let alone a girl, if you didnt consent to it then it could be considered cheating
A drinking game with sexual overtones.
What could go wrong?
When you start a drinking game (swinging), you never know what's going to walk through the door.
Both partners, or only one partner may enjoy the game. Hey, what could go wrong then?
Here, one partner wants to go further while one isn't ready to go all the way.
So what have we learned: Drinking games (swimming) can dismantle a solid relationship in less than 2 hours.
Good luck to you both, everybody deserves to be happy.
Unpopular opinion maybe but the part where she said "but what if it's us three though" would be eating me up inside, the other stuff I could boil down to just drunken silliness. I wonder how the other female informed you of why she was uncomfortable, was your partner with you during that exchange? Downvote me if you must but what is the name of the game?
On one hand, you really should have stopped everything once you realized she was making a fool of herself and making everybody uncomfortable. Really bad form to let it continue. Your friends would have understood if you kicked them out.
That said, you found out something very important, so it worked out well. You now know that she can't be trusted to be faithful, at least while intoxicated, which is a deal breaker for many people. You know that she will get sexual with people right in front of you. You know that she will basically sexually harass people and not see any problem with it.
It sucks you found out that way, but now you can dump her and get tested before moving on from the dumpster fire she is.
What kind of game were yall playing? Honestly, unless your swingers this doesn’t seem the kind of game you play with another couple that you aren’t ultra comfortable with. Not to mention a co worker.
That being said, super weird your gf went that far. The way you’ve described this, she sounded coherent enough to know what she was saying.
Per your update, if she was that blackout, I would assume everyone would have shut her down (for consent sake if nothing else). But it seems like if you had said okay, this would have ended differently.
Not judging you guys if you’re into this- maybe I’m old school but seems strange you would have continued past the flashing if that upset you. Seems like “nothing off the table” sort of game and your gf let her freak out.
Even with her heat felt apology, I would still be questioning her intention. Very least have a talk about what her fantasies are and make sure they align…
I'm willing to bet you make a good living... and you are reliable and caring. (Good husband material.)
She was never overly sexual... with you.
Sorry about that, I know it hurts. Truth is she got super shitfaced and let her true self show.
Your old relationship must be allowed to die. Whether or not you give her a shot at building a new one, is up to you. But she would have to spend years on rebuilding your trust, and you would have to invest those same years building a relationship on proven, unstable ground.
Relationships often collapse when the woman gets close to. 30 years old. It happens.
A lot.
I used to be a blackout drinker. I said and did things I regret to this day. The worst part was knowing I di the stuff I was told and that I couldn't remember. I've sober for awhile now. I know you're hurt and I know your angry, but have you considered she may be an alcoholic and needs help? I'm not excusing the behaviour by any means, but it may help put it all in context. If you love her, and she loves you I think she will be willing to take a hard look at her drinking and figure whether it's something she wants in her life. Best of luck bro.
These relationships are toxic swill. They are sexual experimentation not relationships. She wanted sex with someone else. I would break up with her, don't date someone like this. This is not your mate.
**If someone had taken your partner up on her offer it would have been considered rape. Because legally she was not in a state to consent by the sounds of it.
That’s something to consider.**
She also did most of this straight in front of you. To me that’s not the mark of a cheater.
What’s next? She’s maybe not someone who should be drinking alcohol.
Then there might be something to discuss about sex here. If there’s parts of her sexuality shes repressing. You said she’s normally quite shy and not very sexually forward. Is it possible she has a dirty side or a bisexual side she’s keeping under wraps? Or is it possible she’s got a crush on any of the people who were there?
Idk. If you want to move forward, maybe a couple of sessions with a good couples therapist is an idea?
There's no coming back from this. She cheated when she kissed the other man and then was try to get the couple to have sex with her, right in front of you. She's not a good and loving person. Dump her.
Did you at any point speak up about your discomfort? You kept saying it looked like the woman was uncomfortable with how your partner behaved and how she tried to make your partner stop being inappropriate but you never mentioned doing anything to defuse the situation until she suggested a threesome without you? You not saying anything and letting your partner act like that while she was so drunk makes it look like the only reason you put a stop to it was because she didnt include you. Not bc she was inappropriate to begin with.
OP - some questions:
1. What does your gf remember about this encounter? You implied she was extremely drunk and acting out of character?
2. Does your gf act out in uncharacteristic ways previously when she has had a lot to drink? In other words, this situation has only happened with this particular couple (and guy)?
3. Has your gf expressed sexual interest in other women previously?
4. Has your gf expressed any kind of sexual interest in the other guy previously?
5. You don't seem to take any personal responsibility yourself for participating in a situation where you went back to your place to a) continue to drink and b) play a game that literally invites sexual contact with other people. Why is that? Don't you think your lack of boundaries, or enforcing them, helped contribute to this situation?
I also want to add that you two probably have no idea about the sexual history of these friends. Whether they have existing conditions (herpes, etc.) and spontaneous sexual contact could have led to a lifetime of problems. If you stay together, both of you need to establish a lot more protocols and agreed upon boundaries so that this never happens again (excessive drinking, going back to a private home to get even more drunk, playing games that are geared to lead to sexual contact).
1. She remembers beginning to play the drinking game, doesn’t remember any of the bad stuff including sexual advances. She doesn’t remember the night ending or going to sleep and didn’t realise why I was so upset/angry in the morning either. My partner doesn’t handle her drink particularly well and I have brought it up before after a drunken argument that she started once, but she has NOT ONCE been overly sexual whilst drunk (apart from the classic shenanigans at the end of a night with the two of us).
2. First time this ever happened.
3. No, in fact she has previously expressed distaste towards some of her other friends doing stuff like this on nights out
4. Absolutely not. Never.
5. It didn’t come up but I absolutely accept responsibility for my part in it. And I have been beating myself up for it for the last 3 days.
I do know that the other couple are a lot more open minded about sex, and the other woman has a sexual past. From what I know, my partner hasn’t - she has a very vanilla sexual history.
It seems mighty convenient that she can only not remember the sexual and indecent bits.
This is what would do it for me (I mean, she already cheated on you with the kiss - so I’d be broken up with her already, but anyway) the fact she couldn’t fess up to “you’re right, I was drunk and cheated on you and tried to cheat further - I am SO sorry, I am not going to ever drink again, this has never happened before, I will go to therapy n figure out why.” Etc etc,
But no. She claims “I was blacked out.” And doesn’t really accept full accountability or properly apologise. You know she’d be broken up with you INSTANTLY if you did the same - yet she isn’t taking this serious enough.
The fact she has friends who’ve done this kinda stuff sounds like to me she IS interested in that stuff and when drunk was hoping for it to happen. She already cheated by kissing him anyway, so she’s done.
I disagree with what you’re saying. I said there were no existing cracks. This whole thing came out of nowhere on one drunken night. Like I said, we had never discussed these things previously hence my surprise
OP, there are no cracks that you know of. Almost every betrayed spouse on her is shocked that their SO cheated on them. I saw your comment about what would have happened if you hadn't come back from the bathroom. The fact that you even had to wonder about that makes me think that you've seen signs in the past.
She blamed the booze. That's no excuse. What if you weren't even there? What if this was at another party or girl's night out?
I think that if you think about this in a logical and emotionless way, you know you could never trust her again. With no trust, there is no relationship.
Good luck
OP, no excusing your partner's actions as I believe people should only imbibe what they can handle. I understand your feelings of shock and anger. But you obviously seemed to be cognizant of what was happening and feeling upset before the finale. Why did you not put a stop to the "games" earlier? With your gf flashing others in her drunken state (which you say is abnormal behavior for her) and stating that the other male "smelled blood in the water," why did you not call an end, thereby taking a step to protect yourself and a very inebriated partner?
Maybe it's more obviously girl code, but whether it's a friend or a partner, if we know someone we care for is too wasted to be making good decisions with the potential to be taken advantage of, we get them and ourselves out of the situation. So I would ask, why did you just watch the train wreck play out?
Also for those only disparaging the gf-- she was not playing an adult drinking game solo, it was a four-person decision. I'm assuming other cards were pulled and followed through by others, including OP. Seriously, choosing a sexy party game with only four players in an intimate setting and not expecting risque behaviour is questionable. And pointless. It seems everyone consented to racy then didn't like how it actually played out.
How you want to handle this, OP, is up to you. Breaking up or staying together are both valid decisions. If you work things out, I would encourage you the two of you to set clear expectations for any future events that involve alcohol or substances. Maybe discuss how much partying is too much. You said you've made your own drunken mistakes in the past that I can only assume you've learned from and hope others have forgiven you for. Think within yourself if that is understanding you can extend to your partner or not, or whether she can count on you to recognize when she is in a vulnerable state and get her out of dodge, or vice versa. No that is not putting her behaviour on you. My partner and I both have an agreement that usually one will be more sober than the other at any time we partake and will good naturedly steer the other home if needed. If we are alone without the other, we trust that we'll manage ourselves. This could be an incident you both learn and grow from or something that is just non-negotiable. You and your gf will have to decide if you still retain trust in each other as well as your friends and go from there. If not, then part ways.
I appreciate the objective view here. I do wish I had done more to protect myself and my partner in the situation. I am stuck between non-negotiable and wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt. I just don’t want be made a fool of later down the track. Once bitten, twice shy.
If she can do this with you present,she can never drink when you go out seperately ,as you will have no trust in her whatsoever if she comes back home blackout drunk .
That is the best scenario,the other is go your separate ways
That's understandable. We can reason what we could have done differently or understand that an incident was isolated, but it doesn't change the emotions of the present. All I can say is forgiving and forgetting are two different things. You can forgive someone but that doesn't always mean you can forget. There hasn't been much time for either of you to process, but if you realize later that this is something that will always concern you even if you can forgive your gf, then you have your answer. It wouldn't be fair for either of you to keep that unresolved anxiety between you. If you stay together, make sure you really can heal from this. As important, if you break up, make sure you can heal from this!
Yous were at home and she was with you. So she felt comfortable and safe enough to lose all inhibitions and let herself go. That's a positive. The negative is that how quickly you became an afterthought, tossed aside so to speak. The two of you have a lot to discuss if you want to keep the relationship healthy.
I do not know how close you are with your coworker. But her guy who "was smelling blood" seems too willing to take advantage of an obviously inebriated person (your GF) As you have said, there is plenty of blame for all involved. But that willingness is the one thing I could not get past. Everything else is workable if desired. But not that.
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Nah dump her. You can’t trust her now.
No, fuck that noise. You need to kick her to the curb.
Imagine what she would be like drunk when she's out without him there? I can not see a happy ever after with this relationship. The trust is shattered, and who she is has been revealed.
The moment her lips touched that guys in front of me I would have absolutely lost control and done things that could never be taken back. Not that I would have allowed things to get anywhere *near* that far in the first place.
The moment her boobs got revealed I would kick them out of my house and letting have this cheating game to their fcking house.
Yup that would have been the correct time to shut down the party
Definitely
She won’t even mind, guarantee it.
Time for a new gf, she’s failed that portion of the relationship
Loyalty, Fidelity, Propriety, Trustworthiness. Nothing is more important in a committed relationship. She failed, indeed. Once a cheater, always a cheater!
This right here
just one word to say Betrayal. while drunk she showed her true colors. i wouldn't be surprised if she ends up cheating on you while drunk then blames the cheating on being drunk. good luck
the other word is "disgust". once you get the ick from your partner there's no going back. it's over, brother. it can be over quick, or it can be over slow, but it's over.
Excellent point. I hope he doesn’t drag this out.
Once a cheater, always a cheater!
She also almost certainly already has, if she feels she can behave like that *in front of him*.
DUDE. DUMP HER IF YOU HAVE ANY SELF RESPECT
Ngl I laughed when she said "so it's just the three of us then?"
I laughed too but it’s only because those exact words could’ve come from my ex’s mouth. The audacity was so high I couldn’t even be mad. I was out
Honest to God it would've been over right there for me. "Yea sure that sounds great." Immediately leave and throw all her shit outside when I get home. Not my fuckin problem anymore. 😂
She's clingy, you say? A lot of cheaters are, because they're projecting onto you. Basically they think you're a flight risk because they are.
Facts
Exit stage left. She cheated on you with the excuse of a game and chased the naughty. She can chase it right the hell out the door, Sure she will apologize and blame the alcohol. But guess what, she won’t stop drinking and after a little bit be pissed if you bring it up again. And she absolutely would have followed through if you had gone with it. Because right then her naughty fun was more important than not betraying and hurting you. You weren’t worth a thought. Move on because you deserve better and be glad it didn’t happen after marriage or kids.
That is what I can’t get out of my head. Is that I believe she would have followed through if I wasn’t there or didn’t come back from the bathroom how far would it have gone ?
So then why are you unsure of what to do?
Because most people here don’t end the relationship, they delete their post and try to carry on till it falls apart sometime later. The denial stage lasts a long time for many people.
> if I wasn’t there or didn’t come back from the bathroom how far would it have gone ? What do you mean? From your post it sounds like you came back from the bathroom and she was still pushing to follow through, even to the point that she was going tk have a threesome with them without you. That sounds to me like she was planning to follow through
That's what I'd keep wondering. If you had gone to bed instead of the bathroom what would have happened? I'm pretty sure you know the answer.
Yup, DUMP HER NOW! You can do way better! Good luck and stay strong, King!
She did follow through. She kissed another man and flashed him her tits. She cheated on you in front of your face.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who, on every girls night out getting drunk from this point on, will pretty much be capable of anything remotely unfaithful. Jeez.
Well said.
That’s definitely breakup worthy. She was sober enough to wait for you to leave before making advances.
Holy shit I didn't even think of that
Good point!
Dump her. This is a long-winded post to say she's cheating.
And embarrassing herself in the process.
You need to leave her immediately
For. The. STREEEEETS
A classic 304!
Gross. The first time she chose to cheat on you was when she kissed other people in front of you and not "taking a penalty." Everything else that followed just added to all faith and trust was lost in her and the relationship. Break up.
Yep, surprised it took so long for me to find someone talking about the cheating that ALREADY happened. If it would have been cheating _outside_ of the context of the game, doesn't make it suddenly okay _within_ the context of the game. If everyone agrees (enthusiastically) to playing such a game and knows what they're getting into, sure, maybe, but that definitely wasn't the case here. OP was uncomfortable with the game ramping up and it should've ended before it got to that point. Normally I'd say "play stupid games, win stupid prizes", but in this case it's actually great that OP found out the truth.
You know what they say about inhibitions while drunk? It lowers them. Something brewing in the back of her mind. Releases dopamine. And I think it does bring out their true self to some degree. I would ask her about what happened and gauge her response.
in vino veritas.
The only rational response.
Why are you putting up with this, friend? This is a betrayal of the relationship and a level of disrespect worth.breaking up over. Please have some self respect and break up. It is not worth it to invest your time in someone who gets this skanky when intoxicated even in your presence. What will happen when she gets drunk and you are not there?
Alcohol DOES NOT bring out people's *true* selves. It reduces your inhibitions and makes it much easier to go along with/instigate things you would otherwise know are a bad idea. It's not some truth serum that brings out your deepest, darkest, *truest* self - it makes you sloppy and prone to immediate reaction to stimulus. I suggest you disabuse yourself of that notion. Regardless, your girlfriend has proven herself to be someone other than who you thought she was. Ultimately, being drunk is not an excuse for this type of behavior. I don't know how or why you would trust her after this incident. And without trust, what is the point of a relationship? I get that three years is a relatively long time, but when compared with spending the next 30 with someone you can't rely on and always wonder about, it's a blip. In your shoes, I'd walk away and let her know exactly why.
What she did was cheating. She propositioned the other couple to do sexual things while you were out of the room. You only found out because the other girl told you. Sounds like she has been hiding her cheating nature and it came out when she got overly drunk. I doubt that it was the other girl's idea, and the guy could likely tell that his girl was uncomfortable, do the likely conclusion is it was your gf's proposition (she kept flashing, kissing the other guy, and then wanted a 3some without you) She was willing to do all of that while you were in the same room with you, what does she do when you arent around?
Get ready. She’s going to blame everything on the alcohol and gaslight you into thinking that you’re at fault for overreacting. I might be wrong but that’s normally the pattern when a girl does anything under the influence.
Definitely happening. Stay strong OP.
Wouldn’t be Reddit without painting all women with a broad brush to make a generalized statement about how we all behave.
☝️
I was drunk, I don't remember. It's out of character. Nothing but excuses no acknowledgment at all at what she's done and no remorse. Most people that have done far less than she has would at least have said sorry to the person they wronged. No sorry I exposed myself to other people sexually in front of you. No sorry I cheated on you right in front of your face with another man. No sorry I took the first opportunity you weren't there to proposition two other people for sex. No sorry I made sure to tell them that you weren't even a consideration. No sorry I betrayed, humiliated & disrespected you and our relationship in front of your friends and coworkers. All of what she did no one should be able to do and not expect to have been dumped there and then. She doesn't even imagine this as a possibility now. Why? Because just like last night you and your feelings don't really matter. She viewed things last night solely from her perspective, she wanted to do these things so she did. She's still doing this now, the tears aren't for any hurt she caused you. It's for her embarrassment for what she might go through. You are not a consideration.
You said the other chick was uncomfortable with your partner being sexual towards her. Then you went to the bathroom and said they proposed a threesome sneakily. Do you think the other couple was playing into it or just the guy? Either way you all need to talk and see where it goes from there. I know what I would do in this situation.
The guy was definitely playing into it. The important part I missed out in the original post is that the other woman and myself work together in the same team. We’ve definitely a very close platonic relationship and I have no sexual attraction toward her even though she isn’t unattractive
OMG. Please end things with your soon to be ex. She is a disaster, and could ruin your work situation.
What??? This is how your partner behaves.in front of your colleagues?
Yea not only is this disgusting behavior (when there's no prior conversation about boundaries), it's also fucking embarrassing. Jesus Christ dude what are you waiting for exactly?
The problem actually originates when they started the night by playing a risqué, sexual drinking game with fucking coworkers. This whole story (if true) is just stupid decisions all the way down from literally every participant.
I agree. Stupid games, stupid prizes.
Yep, that opened the door for what would follow.
That’s crazy.
He could lose his career over this.
I think both you and the other woman have some hard decisions to make regarding your partners. Hopefully you waited until she sobered up to talk to her.
Definitely do not blame you for wanting to dump this girl. Not only was she incredibly inappropriate and I would consider what she did cheating, but she embarrassed you in front of a work colleague?!? That's wild. It honestly sounds like both you and the female work colleague deserve new partners.
It’s over unless you are into cuckold play. She will fuck him while you watch if you allow it. What’s your choice. Updateme!
Definitely do not blame you for wanting to dump this girl. Not only was she incredibly inappropriate and I would consider what she did cheating, but she embarrassed you in front of a work colleague?!? That's wild. It honestly sounds like both you and the female work colleague deserve new partners.
It sounds like it was initiating everything. Your whole story, the other woman doesn’t sound happy with your wife at all and is trying to be polite and just get through the evening. I don’t think the other couple were being sneaky, just your partner.
Buddy, take this as a lesson to enforce boundaries early in a relationship and don’t play games with them. You and your should-be EX girlfriend are NOT like minded. Don’t use alcohol as an excuse as it only lowers inhibitions, revealing likely desires. Talk to her when she’s sobers up and end this amicably. If you stay with her, you’ll be on here again saying she cheated on you, guaranteed.
Sorry if this comes across as blunt or insensitive but if you have any semblance of respect for yourself you will leave this person
Trash 🗑️ took itself out here. Make sure the garbage man picks it up
Maybe she needs to not drink anymore because it's obvious she can't handle her alcohol I know for myself, had my wife done this after drinking, I would have made Mt St Helens eruption look like a pimple pop, fuck being nice I would have called everyone there out that night, just as she say the same had the rolls been reversed That seems to be a serious character flaw you haven't been introduced to yet that might be an underlying larger concern, such as a propensity to alcoholism that is yet to be noticed Good luck
Soon as she started flashing , done.
Bud….. she has been claimed by the streets. Time to let her go
This girl is bad news bears.
Kissing the other guy in front of you was too far
The second she kissed the other guy was the red flag flying in the wind. Your relationship died in front of your eyes. Let the relationship go. The trust is gone.
Annnddd what's she saying now?
She said she was black out drunk and doesn’t remember the end of the night. When I told her what happened, she got extremely upset and said it was so far out of character and she has no idea why she would have said or done that. She said that she is genuinely shocked and extremely embarrassed. I can tell she is genuinely upset about it, but that doesn’t ease my feelings or pain about the situation. I can’t shake the “what ifs” that I’ve got in my head.
> she got extremely upset and said it was so far out of character and she has no idea why she would have said or done that. She said that she is genuinely shocked and extremely embarrassed Obviously you didn't include her entire response, but nowhere in your recollection did she express regret or appologies for what she did, only that she seems to be ashamed/regretful of you seeing her do it. It is possible that she doesn't remember, when you drink enough your mind stops recording memories, but it doesn't make you into a different person. She fully intended to cheat on you last night (and did if you consider her kissing the other guy instead of sipping her drink) or set up a chance to cheat later
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ This comment here!
It is possible that she doesn't remember, when you drink enough your mind stops recording memories, but it doesn't make you into a different person. Exactly. I recently had my first and hopefully only blackout while drinking a few weeks ago. My fiance said I acted as I normally do and he had no idea I was that drunk. FYI, for people that don't know, it isn't necessarily how drunk you are but how quickly you consume the alcohol that causes memories not to be formed any longer which is all the more reason to kick her.
Doesn’t matter, kick her out. She already cheated on you.
She is LYING. She knows what she did. F-her! You can do way better!
So, just a bunch of excuses but no apologies or remorse? Well that should tell you enough.
“Black out drunk” is a common lie by cheaters. Did she pass out in a pool of her own vomit? Did you have to carry her to a bed? No? Then she wasn’t black out drunk. Did she say she won’t be drinking anymore? I bet not.
I'm an asshole when I drink. I stopped drinking. Alcohol never absolves you of personal responsibility.
If she really didnt remember and it was really out of character then she would have denied it, vehemently
In vino veritas. If you can't trust her when you go to the bathroom how are you ever going to trust her when she goes out without you. This relationship is done.
If she can behave this way when she is with you while drunk, just imagine what she will do when you are not around? Man, If I were you, I will not continue this relationship. Continueing this relationship is like investing for future mental agony and heart breaks. Be wise and take the right decision.
> I can tell she is genuinely upset about it Or maybe she is upset about the fact she let her mask slip.
Let me tell you a story you might find relevant. I went with a relative and his friends to a cabin in the woods about a year ago, as I do every year. I don't drink, but him and his friends do. His best friend's girlfriend got drunk along with most other people there and wanted to sleep with me. She never outright said it but I was pretty sure based on her behavior. Needless to say, it didn't happen, but she wasn't happy with me when I started trying to avoid her. Next morning, she realized she had a drinking problem and quit drinking. Been sober for a year now. Just saw her again at the cabin this year and when everyone else was drinking she went to bed. Others have said this already, but she has already cheated on you. How you wish to process and react to that is up to you. But truly remorseful people don't just blame the booze, they own up to the problem and make the changes that need to be made. Otherwise, they are not really sorry. They are just sorry they got caught. If she is sorry, she will change. Another nugget of wisdom: you can't force people to change. The woman in the story wasn't forced to change, she made the changes herself. She wasn't badgered or given an ultimatum. Don't even bother with that.
Yeah, "what ifs" like this are no way to live. Certainly not within a relationship. Thoughts like this are in her head somewhere. (even if not full aware of them) And they need to be discussed. Suppressing these thoughts can only make things worse in the long run.If heavy drinking brought them out, perhaps the two of you need to put a limit on excessive drinking? Even with that, you need reassurance. Reassurance that only an open and honest discussion can bring. A discussion in a calm and non-accusatory manner. Perhaps some boundaries need to be redefined. Have you all discussed fantasies before. Neither of you should allow this to be swept under the rug. That is how resentment and second guessing builds. (more "what ifs") You need complete honesty though. And try not to let egos get in the way.
I mean, that's basically cheating my dude.
I think you and your co-worker need to reevaluate your relationships. Her man was ready to pounce on your partner knowing her uncomfortable feeling, and your partner was trying to get a threesome going that didn’t include you. Alcohol doesn’t make you do things you wouldn’t do, it lowers your inhibitions so you do things you want to but were too scared to try.
So these drinking games were at your house with you as host. Whose game was it and had you never played it before? Seems like you as a couple opened the door to this here.
Your partner has: - Alcohol issues. - Boundary issues. - Sexually harassed people. - Tried to negotiate group sex involving you without your consent, then tried to negotiate group sex without you without your consent. This relationship is terrible. She needs to take a look at her behaviour in therapy and AA after you break up with her.
This is extremely hurtful & unfaithful I'm sorry you have to go through such a thing. However, given that your girlfriend tried to engage in a threesome with two other people (excluding you) my advice is to move on & find someone who deserves you. I've also been cheated on before unfortunately & I don't believe in giving out chances, if she can break trust & do such a thing she'll undoubtably do so again. There's very important resources out there to assist you with going through a breakup, you must understand you're mental health & wellbeing is more important. I say never again! Sorry man once again.
Considering all the facts, dump her ass
Dude… bummer man. You can always find the truth, but the real truth is, she kinda tested your boundaries and might have been willing to exclude you… I think you know what to do, but might feel like you can just ignore it…. That’s going to be hard! Best of luck, there is no right or wrong answer. Just make sure not to get deep into you feelings and try to move past or on!
Marry that queen (jk DUMP HER)
Your options are basically find out if she feels bad about having fucked up that bad and go from there. If she does feel bad, there might be something worth recovering. If not, she’s not prepared to be monogamous. If that’s something you need, y’all aren’t going to work. Kick her to the curb and move on. All of that said, if there’s no trust, there’s no relationship. Losing trust in a relationship isn’t just starting over. At the beginning of the relationship, there’s zero, but no reason to not have hope. Things like this take trust to a negative level. Pretty tough to come back from that.
The title should be: my partner tried to cheat. The fact she tried to do so in front of you too... The disrespect. You can either try therapy. Try to understand her thought process. Even if she was drunk... The implications of her wanting a 3some without you, suggesting it when you left (so she was still lucid enough to know it was better to suggest it when you werent there) and try to repair. Or what i would do, break up. I wouldnt want to be in a relationship that acts like this when theyre drunk. I would also feel disgust.
I suggest you don’t socialise with your coworker and her partner for a while. A long while. Maybe tell her you didn’t appreciate her partner coming on to your gf when she was obviously drunk. As for your gf, if she can’t handle her drinking then suggest she should abstain from now on. And if you don’t think you can trust her then it’s ok to break up. Even if you do decide to give her another chance, keep your eyes open.
I really don't like people who try to use being drunk to as a justification for their awful behaviour. She showed you who she really is and now that you have realized it she is crying crocodile tears. I believe if you stay with her you will get burned - sooner or later.
I find it weird that you are even asking what to do in this situation. I hate pointing out the obvious.
Yep. One of those posts that leave you thinking "noone can be THIS dense - MUST be a fake post / rage bait"..
Your partner of 3 monogamous years effectively shows you that she would want to fuck anyone but you, and your reaction is “I don’t know if I want to be with her anymore”? :)) You’re not sure? :))
She might have already cheated
Might of?😂 She’s a streetwalker
I agree she was way over the line in that last action. A drunken flirtation and a kiss in front of you are all things I feel can be overcome with some communication. Her trying to initiate something without you as soon as you left the room, and hide it - that’s a huge lack of respect that I don’t know I’d be able to look past easily. She needs to own up to what happened but being super drunk is going to make that hard. I think you should evaluate this in the context of your relationship as a whole when making a decision, but I don’t think you’d be unjustified to break it off over this.
You can intellectualise it and come to any conclusion you want to justify any decision based on these events. Go with your gut, do you feel disgusted by her? If so leave and don’t be around her for a while, if you’re still disgusted think about making the break permanent. Don’t verbally abuse and be as good faith as you can in all discussions. Distance from her and time apart will show you what the best decision moving forward is. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re hurting right now.
Explain she may want to consider her actions while heavily drinking. That her actions concerned you and you’re having feelings of distrust. She may have some decisions to make and there no clear path forward with the relationship if the alcohol and interests in others is present. (This was you, not me, and there are logical consequences and boundaries)
Whose stupid idea was it to play a sexual game with friends? Maybe initiating a threesome was way too far but how didn’t you see where it was going, why not stop playing when you started seeing that this game could bring the players to places they would later regret going to?
The biggest red flag to me is that she didn’t care whether the other people in this situation were comfortable. Not you, not the woman who was clearly her friend, nothing. That alone is behavior I’d take as a sign she doesn’t value her people the way she should. Imagine if the genders were reversed, she would come off as a TOTAL creep. I’d talk with her about how your trust has been broken and how disgusted it made you feel to know that she would treat people like that, regardless of intoxication. She may try to pass it off on the alcohol, but unless she comes clean and recognizes it was super wrong, asks forgiveness and is honest about her desire to open your relationship (something she clearly has thought about, and you may not be receptive to, which is totally your prerogative) then ya’ll are basically done. I’m sorry :(
My husband likes to drink and he doesn't do this shit. He was pretty drunk at a bar a couple months ago and got hit on by a few people and let them down /curved them. When you are drunk YOU ARE STILL AWARE OF YOUR MORAL CODE. Your lady doesn't have a moral code. Also in the future if you feel uncomfortable SPEAK UP. you didn't want to "kill the mood" but it was at the expense of your boundaries. You let your lady push you past what makes you comfortable and she's sketchy because this seemed non consenting on three out of four people there. I have a buddy with an open marriage and they've never asked / done anything sexually inappropriate to me because they understand my view on remaining monogamous to my husband. You need to be bold and have boundaries surrounding your sexuality. Do not light yourself on fire to keep people warm.
That’s weird as fuck
> I participated in the game because there was only four of us, so I didn’t want to kill the mood or anything Bad idea bro lol
Why are 30 year olds playing stupid drinking games and then get upset when stupid shit happens
Bro she'd have been single before I finished the drive home.... Without her.
One thing to consider is that had the female been into it you would have walked out to all of them hooking up on the couch. It’s a big red flag she’s interested in sex with other people while in a monogamous relationship. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions but she was obviously interested and open to that alcohol or not. Would you ever trust her drinking with others again- especially if you were not there?
You feel disgusted because she is disgusting. Say goodbye.
If she acts that way when she's drunk I can only imagine how she acts when she's sober drunk people speak a sober mind. I will pack up a s*** if she lived with me and put her ass on the curb and if she did not live with you I would tell her to not contact me anymore and block her on everything
Whose party game is this?!
People that want to justify such vile behavior
This sounds like a night of intoxication that got out of hand by your partner. There needs to be a long talk with I am sure will be some embarrassed on your partners part. There should be boundaries set. If these are crossed then there is every right to end the relationship.
I mean she let you know that any time she drinks she will go to this level. She’s 29 and doesn’t realize she ended her relationship by drinking.
I'd be just as pissed. If she ever wanted to explore like that she should have discussed it with you first privately to judge your comfort level. And if not comfortable, then drop it completely or part ways if she needed more. That's respect.
Even if you'd be willing to out aside her disrespecting and betraying you specifically - would you want to be in a relationship with someone who keeps making sexual advances on people, even after it is clear that they are not comfortable with that?
U need to leave bro she's tried to cheat on u and the got shut down he could claim she was drunk but she knew exactly what she was doing. U can't trust her she did that while u were with her what is she doing when you're not there?
I am surprised you are asking us how to proceed, while it should be obvious that the only think you should do is end the relationship immediately! What she did was completely unacceptable! On a side-note, you are in some way responsible for this too! You should have taken charge and nipped it in the bud when she was getting drunk, or - later - when she started flashing her tits. That would have been the moment to take charge, tell your girlfriend that she has had enough to drink, say goodnight to the other couple and leave (with her!). But then you wouldn't have known what you know now. I am sorry this happened to you. Good luck & strength.
I would like to take this opportunity to address the fact that I have no problem taking accountability for not speaking up and letting it get to the point it did. That was on me, but we were in my home and they were also staying with us. Not an excuse - I’m only providing information.
You're not being fragile. And this isn't about your ego.... It's about your trust. Now you know you can't trust her to behave when she's drunk. If you want to live with her with this doubt forever hanging over your shoulder, then stay with her. Otherwise breaking up would be the wise choice.
Dude this is not ok for her to do man, get out of there before she pushes to do more stuff that makes you uncomfortable or disgusted. I would never kiss any other guy other than my partner let alone a girl, if you didnt consent to it then it could be considered cheating
Oh boy, it’s over in a big way. You have to leave her for good.
Lmao she cheated on you plain and simple. Send her to the streets where she belongs. Can’t believe you gotta ask what to do
If you stay with her get ready to enjoy the chair in the corner at hotel rooms buddy.
A drinking game with sexual overtones. What could go wrong? When you start a drinking game (swinging), you never know what's going to walk through the door. Both partners, or only one partner may enjoy the game. Hey, what could go wrong then? Here, one partner wants to go further while one isn't ready to go all the way. So what have we learned: Drinking games (swimming) can dismantle a solid relationship in less than 2 hours. Good luck to you both, everybody deserves to be happy.
Correction; Partner tried to cheat on you.
Unpopular opinion maybe but the part where she said "but what if it's us three though" would be eating me up inside, the other stuff I could boil down to just drunken silliness. I wonder how the other female informed you of why she was uncomfortable, was your partner with you during that exchange? Downvote me if you must but what is the name of the game?
Sounds like she was trying to find a a way to sleep with the other guy and get away with it.
Your girlfriend isn't the wonderful person you thought she was. I'd rather be alone than deal with a partner like that.
On one hand, you really should have stopped everything once you realized she was making a fool of herself and making everybody uncomfortable. Really bad form to let it continue. Your friends would have understood if you kicked them out. That said, you found out something very important, so it worked out well. You now know that she can't be trusted to be faithful, at least while intoxicated, which is a deal breaker for many people. You know that she will get sexual with people right in front of you. You know that she will basically sexually harass people and not see any problem with it. It sucks you found out that way, but now you can dump her and get tested before moving on from the dumpster fire she is.
What kind of game were yall playing? Honestly, unless your swingers this doesn’t seem the kind of game you play with another couple that you aren’t ultra comfortable with. Not to mention a co worker. That being said, super weird your gf went that far. The way you’ve described this, she sounded coherent enough to know what she was saying. Per your update, if she was that blackout, I would assume everyone would have shut her down (for consent sake if nothing else). But it seems like if you had said okay, this would have ended differently. Not judging you guys if you’re into this- maybe I’m old school but seems strange you would have continued past the flashing if that upset you. Seems like “nothing off the table” sort of game and your gf let her freak out. Even with her heat felt apology, I would still be questioning her intention. Very least have a talk about what her fantasies are and make sure they align…
I'm willing to bet you make a good living... and you are reliable and caring. (Good husband material.) She was never overly sexual... with you. Sorry about that, I know it hurts. Truth is she got super shitfaced and let her true self show. Your old relationship must be allowed to die. Whether or not you give her a shot at building a new one, is up to you. But she would have to spend years on rebuilding your trust, and you would have to invest those same years building a relationship on proven, unstable ground. Relationships often collapse when the woman gets close to. 30 years old. It happens. A lot.
I used to be a blackout drinker. I said and did things I regret to this day. The worst part was knowing I di the stuff I was told and that I couldn't remember. I've sober for awhile now. I know you're hurt and I know your angry, but have you considered she may be an alcoholic and needs help? I'm not excusing the behaviour by any means, but it may help put it all in context. If you love her, and she loves you I think she will be willing to take a hard look at her drinking and figure whether it's something she wants in her life. Best of luck bro.
What the fuck, dump this cheater and kick her out if you can.
UpdateMe!
These relationships are toxic swill. They are sexual experimentation not relationships. She wanted sex with someone else. I would break up with her, don't date someone like this. This is not your mate.
She can't be trusted she's deceitful and she's sneaky and untrustworthy and without trust there is no relationship
The truth is that she never could be trusted from the first day you met her. Her mask has fallen and the 3 years of relationship were all a lie.
**If someone had taken your partner up on her offer it would have been considered rape. Because legally she was not in a state to consent by the sounds of it. That’s something to consider.** She also did most of this straight in front of you. To me that’s not the mark of a cheater. What’s next? She’s maybe not someone who should be drinking alcohol. Then there might be something to discuss about sex here. If there’s parts of her sexuality shes repressing. You said she’s normally quite shy and not very sexually forward. Is it possible she has a dirty side or a bisexual side she’s keeping under wraps? Or is it possible she’s got a crush on any of the people who were there? Idk. If you want to move forward, maybe a couple of sessions with a good couples therapist is an idea?
There's no coming back from this. She cheated when she kissed the other man and then was try to get the couple to have sex with her, right in front of you. She's not a good and loving person. Dump her.
A sober thought is a drunken action. Meaning she must have been thinking of it before drinking and all the drink enabled her to carry out her fantasy
Real people don't have 3 somes.
TL;Dr: break up
Break up with her.
She would be my ex already. Alcohol is no excuse. Tell her it's over, and she can go bang the other couple all she wants. UpdateMe
Yeah there’s no coming back from that for her. I’d ditch her ASAP and not look back. Really sorry man.
Fuuuuuck that
I'd nope right out of that relationship completely.
true colors. She will fuck around on you.
So..not only did she try to cheat on you, she tried to do it with two people at once? In vino veritas... I would let her go free.
You're still with her???? WTF??? She openly wanted a threesome excluding you RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?
How do you proceed? You kick her butt to the curb, and let it bounce twice on the way out.
Throw her out
I can only say that if it was me, I'd be done with the relationship. No way could I feel the same about them.
Sorry for your loss. You will have years of pain if you stay with her.
if u give her another chance, she's gonna disrespect you more
Kick her out and never look back. You don’t want that influence around you.
You got lucky. She showed you who she really was, take the hint, and leave.
Alcohol ABSOLUTELY brings out the real person. Your girlfriend can't be trusted when drinking is involved. If it were me, I'd be gone.
Did you at any point speak up about your discomfort? You kept saying it looked like the woman was uncomfortable with how your partner behaved and how she tried to make your partner stop being inappropriate but you never mentioned doing anything to defuse the situation until she suggested a threesome without you? You not saying anything and letting your partner act like that while she was so drunk makes it look like the only reason you put a stop to it was because she didnt include you. Not bc she was inappropriate to begin with.
OP - some questions: 1. What does your gf remember about this encounter? You implied she was extremely drunk and acting out of character? 2. Does your gf act out in uncharacteristic ways previously when she has had a lot to drink? In other words, this situation has only happened with this particular couple (and guy)? 3. Has your gf expressed sexual interest in other women previously? 4. Has your gf expressed any kind of sexual interest in the other guy previously? 5. You don't seem to take any personal responsibility yourself for participating in a situation where you went back to your place to a) continue to drink and b) play a game that literally invites sexual contact with other people. Why is that? Don't you think your lack of boundaries, or enforcing them, helped contribute to this situation? I also want to add that you two probably have no idea about the sexual history of these friends. Whether they have existing conditions (herpes, etc.) and spontaneous sexual contact could have led to a lifetime of problems. If you stay together, both of you need to establish a lot more protocols and agreed upon boundaries so that this never happens again (excessive drinking, going back to a private home to get even more drunk, playing games that are geared to lead to sexual contact).
1. She remembers beginning to play the drinking game, doesn’t remember any of the bad stuff including sexual advances. She doesn’t remember the night ending or going to sleep and didn’t realise why I was so upset/angry in the morning either. My partner doesn’t handle her drink particularly well and I have brought it up before after a drunken argument that she started once, but she has NOT ONCE been overly sexual whilst drunk (apart from the classic shenanigans at the end of a night with the two of us). 2. First time this ever happened. 3. No, in fact she has previously expressed distaste towards some of her other friends doing stuff like this on nights out 4. Absolutely not. Never. 5. It didn’t come up but I absolutely accept responsibility for my part in it. And I have been beating myself up for it for the last 3 days. I do know that the other couple are a lot more open minded about sex, and the other woman has a sexual past. From what I know, my partner hasn’t - she has a very vanilla sexual history.
It seems mighty convenient that she can only not remember the sexual and indecent bits. This is what would do it for me (I mean, she already cheated on you with the kiss - so I’d be broken up with her already, but anyway) the fact she couldn’t fess up to “you’re right, I was drunk and cheated on you and tried to cheat further - I am SO sorry, I am not going to ever drink again, this has never happened before, I will go to therapy n figure out why.” Etc etc, But no. She claims “I was blacked out.” And doesn’t really accept full accountability or properly apologise. You know she’d be broken up with you INSTANTLY if you did the same - yet she isn’t taking this serious enough. The fact she has friends who’ve done this kinda stuff sounds like to me she IS interested in that stuff and when drunk was hoping for it to happen. She already cheated by kissing him anyway, so she’s done.
I'd take the not remembering with a grain of salt. A lot of people use that to weasel themselves out of accountability.
You were in denial. To say that there are no cracks in your relationship and then go on with this story is weird.
I disagree with what you’re saying. I said there were no existing cracks. This whole thing came out of nowhere on one drunken night. Like I said, we had never discussed these things previously hence my surprise
OP, there are no cracks that you know of. Almost every betrayed spouse on her is shocked that their SO cheated on them. I saw your comment about what would have happened if you hadn't come back from the bathroom. The fact that you even had to wonder about that makes me think that you've seen signs in the past. She blamed the booze. That's no excuse. What if you weren't even there? What if this was at another party or girl's night out? I think that if you think about this in a logical and emotionless way, you know you could never trust her again. With no trust, there is no relationship. Good luck
OP, no excusing your partner's actions as I believe people should only imbibe what they can handle. I understand your feelings of shock and anger. But you obviously seemed to be cognizant of what was happening and feeling upset before the finale. Why did you not put a stop to the "games" earlier? With your gf flashing others in her drunken state (which you say is abnormal behavior for her) and stating that the other male "smelled blood in the water," why did you not call an end, thereby taking a step to protect yourself and a very inebriated partner? Maybe it's more obviously girl code, but whether it's a friend or a partner, if we know someone we care for is too wasted to be making good decisions with the potential to be taken advantage of, we get them and ourselves out of the situation. So I would ask, why did you just watch the train wreck play out? Also for those only disparaging the gf-- she was not playing an adult drinking game solo, it was a four-person decision. I'm assuming other cards were pulled and followed through by others, including OP. Seriously, choosing a sexy party game with only four players in an intimate setting and not expecting risque behaviour is questionable. And pointless. It seems everyone consented to racy then didn't like how it actually played out. How you want to handle this, OP, is up to you. Breaking up or staying together are both valid decisions. If you work things out, I would encourage you the two of you to set clear expectations for any future events that involve alcohol or substances. Maybe discuss how much partying is too much. You said you've made your own drunken mistakes in the past that I can only assume you've learned from and hope others have forgiven you for. Think within yourself if that is understanding you can extend to your partner or not, or whether she can count on you to recognize when she is in a vulnerable state and get her out of dodge, or vice versa. No that is not putting her behaviour on you. My partner and I both have an agreement that usually one will be more sober than the other at any time we partake and will good naturedly steer the other home if needed. If we are alone without the other, we trust that we'll manage ourselves. This could be an incident you both learn and grow from or something that is just non-negotiable. You and your gf will have to decide if you still retain trust in each other as well as your friends and go from there. If not, then part ways.
I appreciate the objective view here. I do wish I had done more to protect myself and my partner in the situation. I am stuck between non-negotiable and wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt. I just don’t want be made a fool of later down the track. Once bitten, twice shy.
If she can do this with you present,she can never drink when you go out seperately ,as you will have no trust in her whatsoever if she comes back home blackout drunk . That is the best scenario,the other is go your separate ways
That's understandable. We can reason what we could have done differently or understand that an incident was isolated, but it doesn't change the emotions of the present. All I can say is forgiving and forgetting are two different things. You can forgive someone but that doesn't always mean you can forget. There hasn't been much time for either of you to process, but if you realize later that this is something that will always concern you even if you can forgive your gf, then you have your answer. It wouldn't be fair for either of you to keep that unresolved anxiety between you. If you stay together, make sure you really can heal from this. As important, if you break up, make sure you can heal from this!
I mean, she already did make a fool out of you at least once. If you let this go she'll continue to do it and will escalate the behavior.
Yous were at home and she was with you. So she felt comfortable and safe enough to lose all inhibitions and let herself go. That's a positive. The negative is that how quickly you became an afterthought, tossed aside so to speak. The two of you have a lot to discuss if you want to keep the relationship healthy. I do not know how close you are with your coworker. But her guy who "was smelling blood" seems too willing to take advantage of an obviously inebriated person (your GF) As you have said, there is plenty of blame for all involved. But that willingness is the one thing I could not get past. Everything else is workable if desired. But not that.
You don’t.