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You leave. As long as you stay with him, he will not do better. Why would he? He has someone at home to do all of it for him or remind him to do it. He doesn't have to grow up.
I do still love him a lot. I can’t really think about life without him. We have been together since highschool and to be honest I can’t imagine life without him.
He is still a loving and caring boyfriend and he does do a lot for me (financially and supportively). He has never commented bad on my looks and personality.
This is one of the only things that really bothers me about our relationship.
Girl, I'm 26 and let me clue you in on something I've learned the very hard way: love it NOT enough. A relationship takes far more than just love.
You say this is the 'only thing' but what you've written about is huge- it's an everyday, all the time thing to do little chores. Do you want to feel resentful and unheard every day? What if you got sick and were bedridden for a while? What if you had kids in the future? Do you think he could keep the household running? Or would it turn into a disaster?
Trust me, I've been where you are and it's a no win situation. You either pick up his slack or you stop enabling his laziness and the house turns into a mess. It's exhausting. The alternative is to leave. I promise it's a million times easier to run a house without a overgrown child making messes they don't clean up.
>He has never commented bad on my looks and personality
This.. is like the bare minimum.
That is well below the bare minimum.
"He doesn't insult my looks and personality" is something you say about a friend-of-a-friend who you don't like, but you tolerate because at least he's not a blatantly rude AH.
It is not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone for years. "He doesn't insult my looks and personality" doesn't even rise to the level of bare minimum, it's just basically "he's not openly antagonistic or abusive to me". JFC. As a woman nearing 50, it breaks my heart that we even need to still be telling young women, almost 25 years into the 21st century, "No, 'he's not completely shitty to me' is not a good enough reason to warrant being in a relationship with someone. Love yourself more." \*sigh\*
> I can’t really think about life without him
Of course not, you've never known life without him.
The teenage years are when we grow into independant adults, except you grew up with him and have developed into a part of a couple, not an individual.
And that is also why he's acting the way he does. He's never had to take care of himself, he's always had someone there to tell him like a child. He's never learned and he's not going to learn either because are the wheel tracks you're in now and it takes a big jolt to get out of those
He doesn't love you. Rather. He loves what you do for him. Which is be his mummy. The mummy he gets to fuck. Does that sound like love to you? If he really loved you, the way you love him, he'd do the simple things to make you happy. I'm sick as a dog right now, but I'm still doing house chores because they need doing. My husband is doing the same. We both have covid.
You're 19. This is your first relationship. You literally have no basis for comparison. We grown ups are telling you. There's better out there. So much better. You can have it all. A guy who takes pride in keeping house. Who's kind. Who takes care of you. Who loves you. Who makes you laugh. The guy who finds out what makes you smile, and specifically does Those Things because he just wants you to be happy. Even if he doesn't get the why.
Expect better for yourself.
My mother said to me once that might be tolerable in a young handsome man for a while but will become intolerable in an old man.
You’re trapping yourself currently with someone who sounds like they are turning into that inconsiderate old man.
He doesn’t love you enough to do simple chores. Love is an action at the end of the day. It may be the only thing that bothers you, but it’s a huge one that impacts your quality of life on a daily basis.
"the only thing that bothers me about my boyfriend is that he thinks I should be the one to tidy and clean despite the fact we are both able bodied and live together."
That’s not love, it’s routine.
How is he loving and caring? Because a loving and caring person would do his fair share of the household chores, instead of expecting you to be a damn maid!
And since he had the day off, if he cared for you he’d tidy and clean some of the house for you so that you don’t get back from work to a complete mess that you have to clean - especially when he had the whole day free. He especially wouldn’t have spent that free day just gaming the whole time, or playing on his phone.
This man **does not** respect you. He expects you to be a slave for him.
And *”but he doesn’t comment badly about my looks”* is a pathetic excuse to stay with him! No partner should ever comment badly about your looks anyway, so if you think that him not commenting badly about your looks makes him a good man, you’re sorely mistaken! That’s not even the bare minimum when it comes to a relationship.
You really do have **low** standards! 🤦♀️
Look, it may or may not be in the cards for you but imagine being pregnant (or chronically ill if you're child-free). Completely unable to help yourself for large periods of time through either severe HG or pain or general illness.
Could you rely on this person to look after you and meet the rise in expectations? Will they step up and keep you as healthy as they can? Will they comfort you? Step up around the house? Do everything you no longer can?
If the answer is no, reconsider this relationship. I've just spent 14 weeks with debilitating nausea and fatigue. Literally couldn't move for hours at a time without throwing up horrifically and repeatedly. My husband took over literally everything. I never expected him to but he hasn't ever complained or made comment.
Can you say the same about your partner?
Your new to dating in the adult world so ima lay down some advice I need to know at your age
-"I can't see life without him" isn't a reason to stay with someone it's what they say in sappy romantic movies but the reality is that life goes on, life went on before him and it will go on after he isnt the sum of ur existence. Be with a person because you love them and they love you and the life you have together is supportive and healthy not because you can't imagine how you will cope without them that's just being dependent not in love.
-being loving, caring, and supportive as a partner is a given it should always be that way it shouldn't be the saving grace that stop you from breaking up with someone, it's easy to be loving and caring towards someone you like
-"hes never commented badly about x" that's not a redeeming quality that's the standard.
-don't stay with someone who dodges accountability or shifts responsibilities they make bad partners in life. He should be able to admit he's made a error in judgement you don't want a life of "it's not my fualt" and "can you just do it I always end up doing it wrong anyway" you will grow resentful like you are already. Rightfully so!
> He is still a loving and caring boyfriend and he does do a lot for me (financially and supportively). He has never commented bad on my looks and personality
That's the bare minimum. Also, he is obviously *not* a caring boyfriend.
I am quite a lot older than you, and I echo another comment that love is not enough. I will also add that because you got together so young, you don't actually really know if this is real love or not - I know you will disagree with me on this (because I did when I was your age), but it is true.
It might be love. But it might not. And even if it is, it isn't enough by itself to sustain a happy long-term relationship when he is already being so selfish and uncaring.
You say he's loving and caring, but his behaviour doesn't show it. He takes you for granted. And "never commenting bad" about you is a painfully low bar to expect of a decent human - girl, raise your standards. You deserve nothing less than a full partner, not merely someone who doesn't criticize your looks.
You also can't imagine your life without him because you literally haven't experienced adult life without him. You're barely an adult, and you moved in together when you were very, very young. You have no idea what wonderful things could be waiting for you out there in life, and you will never find out if you limit yourself to a decision that you made when you were 15/16 years old - don't hang on just because you're afraid of change.
Expect more. So much more.
High school sweethearts have a statistic of high cheating / affairs. If you're not happy now then leave him in the dust. My parents were high school sweethearts and I saw it with my own eyes. In my high school year book I saw who got "most friendly" and "cutest high school couple" superlatives ...the girl in the relationship was "most friendly" and let me tell you lol... she cheated her high school sweetheart and made him raise a child that wasn't even his for 3 years. I ALWAYS hear shitty stories about high school sweethearts and your story is just adding to the list. Just say you're young, inexperienced, save up and go into a world to find yourself. You don't want to spend your 20s trapped in this situation. You don't want to be a young mother and it's telling because you don't like picking up after boyfriend. Now imagine a couple kids in the mix. When I was your age I saved up to travel out of state. Probably dated 20 different girls in a 3 year period. Be young and have fun. Life is too short to be spending it with someone who can't even be a team player.
Honey you were together as teenagers. You are just now barely adults. As much as you don't think so now, this is NOT even close to the last relationship of your life.
I encourage you to live independently for several years and experience that, regardless of this relationship, before settling down with a housemate and partner.
Give yourself the freedom to make life choices (work, education, travel, relocation) that you cant easily do when in a relationship. Develop as an adult. It takes a while.
Compatibility will make itself known and it wont be a struggle.
OP look up the term weaponized incompetence and realize this is what he is doing.
"He has never commented bad on my looks and personality." It seems like you are setting a very low bar for him to meet and yet he is still not showing he understands how to be an adult.
My bet is you are also the one that pays all of the bills, so I suggest you "forget" to pay the internet bill. Then tell him you forgot and maybe he should start paying it so it is not missed. That way he has to actually do adult things or he can't play his video games online.
If this doesn't work then he's just not ready to be an adult and it's time to send him back home to his parents to finish growing up.
If he can't be trusted to do the very little you're asking of him now, how much worse is he going to be if you have a kid? Please make sure your birth control is working, the last thing you need now is to have a baby with someone that is still a baby himself.
Can you not hear yourself and your replies like if this was your best friend telling you these things and responding back this way? Wouldn't you want to slap some sense? Under her because I'm sorry. Just because he gives you compliments and doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. Doesn't make him a good man. The dude isn't even doing the bare minimum of responsibility in a relationship. Let alone a household and you call that love girl. You need to grow up, find some balls and MOVE out and get away from this dude seriously. You say?
Oh, this is the only thing that bothers me.No, it's not.You're just not opening up yourself enough to realize the stupidity.Think you're so in love God?I feel so bad for this.Younger generation growing up right now yall are idiots
He doesn't love you.
My husband was very much like this. But when he saw how much it upset me, and how it hurt my feelings when he let me down, *he made the effort to do better*
If he actually loved you, he'd get off his hind end and help you
He knows you can't imagine life without him and he knows you'll pick up his slack and be his mother. He will do (or not do) what you allow him to. You have every right to expect a partner who contributed equally to the basic chores required to live.
Take a break. Live some life on your own. Grow your confidence. Maybe you two come back together as more mature adults later, maybe not. But neither of you are healthy or growing in this relationship. You're both stagnating and the next step is resentment.
Look up weaponized incompetence. He's not "forgetting". Is he this absent minded with his job? With his friends and family? Probably not. He's magically forgetful when it comes to chores, or helping you around the house. I don't have advice for you, but I do know a large part of relationship problems are chore distribution issues. You could treat him like a child and come up with a chore chart if he's that "forgetful". Good luck.
It's very disheartening to see young women relegate themselves to these benefit-less, mother figure, bang maid "wifely" roles. At your age, you should be dealing with far more important , fun, friendship building matters. Your personal growth is top of that list. You'll miss this time and regret it when you're older. You are literally living for a boy who refuses to grow up. He basically jumped from one mom to another, only this one ( you ) he gets to bang. What are you doing? Have you actually asked yourself that?
If I had a daughter and she took this route, I'd be sorely disappointed
Why did you move in together at 17? Feel like that really needs some context. And you live together alone, not with family?
The only grace to give for this behavior is that you're both VERY young. If you were 25, this is not the advice I would give.
He needs to live on his own. Be responsible for his own living space. Basically, he needs to grow the hell up and be an adult before he gets the privilege of living with you. You are not his mother or his maid and he is not currently capable of being an actual partner to you.
It's really difficult to change this dynamic period, but especially without consequences. So that should be the consequence.
He doesn't care enough to "remember"
Either accept that you will have to do all the chores or live apart so he can learn to do his own chores or break up until he learns to do chores.
Welp, let the trash pile up . As long as you do it for him like his mother, then he’s off the hook. I know trash piling up is not good, but how else will be remember? Don’t do his laundry. Clean up only your mess or cook for only yourself and see if he notices and tries. Then say, “it’s not my fault.” If you see no changes, then leave!! They typically are who they are just like you’re who you are and change is rare.
As a 34 year old divorced woman. Stop asking why and stop trying to make him understand.
I wasted my 20s on a man just like your boyfriend. I still dont know why anyone would ever want to act like a child, take advantage of their partner or lie to get out of doing their part as an adult having a home.
But I do know that it only gets worse, especially when/if you have children. And at that point you cant even leave the man fully because you are stuck coparenting with this mess for years to come and not only you but your child will pay the price. And in the end you have wasted years of your youth on someone who treats you like shit.
It's because his parents never made him do it and learn therefore he just expects you to do it.
Tell him that you won't do his stuff for him. You expected an equal relationship, not one where you are expected to mother him.
Tell him that you expect him to do his fair share of the chores.
His response will tell you all you need to know about how he feels about you and what he expects.
I disagree. My parents never made me do anything and I moved in with a man who had the same home life. I strepped up, learnt and to responsibility. My ex was like ops boyfriend. It is a choice to behave like this especially when he has op telling him exactly what is wrong.
This is weaponised incompetence. He is choosing to be lazy and selfish and you are unfortunately being kind and rewarding that behaviour. The answer is that you don't do anything for him unless he reciprocates. Or move out.
Congrats, you've adopted a manchild. How happy are you being his mommy?
Tell him he makes half the mess, so he needs to do half the work, or he can do all the work in his own place.
Yeah he's being deliberately useless so you just get in to the habit of doing everything. I don't think it'll get better. Why would he be good at doing all these chores when he has you to do them for him and he can just be lazy and play games. I don't think this is right at all, I just think that is his logic. He has lots of growing up to do.
I also think you've moved in together too young. Just get out there and enjoy your life before settling down into essentially married life! There's so much out there to do and see before that!
You're 19. It's time for this lesson. And the comfort and happiness of your entire future rests on you learning it well.
He didn't forget. It's not an accident. It is his fault. He is doing it on purpose.
He wants you to be his fuck-mummy.
The plan is to wear you down until you stop asking and just do Everything yourself. This is premeditated. He knows exactly what he's doing.
The only, Only, cure is to dump him. Send him back to his real mummy so he can grow up. While you move on to dating real men who Want to be a partner, not a toddler. Men who would be humiliated to act like your boyfriend is.
You cannot fix him.
100% this. This will not change. You will grow to resent him, trust me. Move on Hun. He IS showing you who he is. He is lazy, selfish, and willfully incompetent. Do not waste any more of your time. Tell him to step up or get out.
You took him straight from mummy. He had no idea how to do anything for himself because he’s never had to.
He’s watched his mummy cater to him and his father all his life and thinks that’s how it should be forever.
You need to stop living together and he needs to live on his own for a while. That’s the only way he will have any chance to understand what being an adult entails.
It may not help though. There’s a lot of of men who never get it.
So you have a grown up baby. Why attach yourself to someone when you are just 17 with your life ahead of you.
He will bring you down and keep your works small because he will be a lazy partner and husband and father. If you have any get up and go in you, he will stifle you.
If you really want to be with him, you need to set boundaries. Give him tasks to do. Stop doing his washing, cooking for a bit, and make him realise. If he has no initiative to change, then you either decide to stay as he is or leave.
"But he never does."
And he never will. It's in the title: you're his mother, not his partner. Stop carrying him and send him on his way. Love doesn't fix lazy or entitled.
People who allow others to do the work for them will carry on allowing this person to carry the weight forever. They do not change. I honestly think there is something fundamentally ingrained in their brains where they are fine with letting others work for them, doing all the chores, they aren't bothered by the "mothering" because it's white noise to them. You'll always be happier living alone than living with someone like this.
He put in his clothes but not yours? Does he care about you? That is actually the worst.
I would leave. Men like this only learn from women saying no. Not just saying no but enacting the no by leaving. My ex only learned after several women left him over this. Then he started thinking maybe these women were right and putting in more effort.
Do not sign up for a lifetime of willful incompetence on his part. You have better things to do with your life energy than be this adult man-child’s caregiver.
He has never lived on his own as an adult. He needs a wake up call. He will probably just live like a slob at this age and not do more but at least you won’t be bothered.
He knows how to do laundry but deliberately didn't put yours in with his. He's not incompetent, he chose not to help you out. That's a message from him that you should return. Bring home food for yourself, absolutely do not do his laundry or anything you as a nice person would do. See what his actual expectations are for you and himself and if you can live with them or not.
He’s got a case of weaponized incompetence and you’re replacing his mommy. Believe me, your frustration will explode if you keep doing everything for him. You need to take everyone’s advice about living on your own, being independent, and living your life before being tied down in a relationship.
He went from Mommy's home to New Mommy's home.
Once I started dating I made a new rule that any guy I dated had to live on his own for at least a year. He could have roommates but he needed to be out of her house AND not bringing laundry home to her or having her pop by to clean his place. And I neede to make sure that the roommates weren't doing all of the cleaning up after my boyfriend.
You're dating a large child.
My husband does 95% of the cooking for our family.
My 12 yr old son can make lasagna and run a load of wash without pulling stupid shit like not throwing in other people's clothes.
He didn't even wash his own clothes on Saturday WITHOUT YOU TELLING HIM TO.
This guy doesn't have basic Adulting skills.
This guy cannot do better than you because no one else would want to date a lazy man-child that they need to Mother.
However, you can do a lot better. You can find someone who will invite you over and cook for you. My husband used to invite me over for a date and cook delicious food (he is 100% self-taught).
If you want this relationship to not die a painful death you need to tell him that he either steps up and starts doing AT LEAST half of the chores or he needs to move out for a year and then you can try the living together thing again.
Love does not mean setting yourself up to be his maid for life, although a lot of women accidentally fall into that trap by wanting to do nice things for the ome they love.
Your man-child is used to mommy picking up the slack, so he doesn't even realize how much you are doing!!!
With your guy it is worse, he is playing videogames just like back home with mommy.
Your example of the laundry is worse than most guys. He didn't even *think* to do YOURS because all he was doing was completing the "chore" you assigned him. He NEVER considered how it would help or affect your place or you.
He didn't think of you once.
Your boyfriend is below even this level:
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
I'm sorry, but you need to sit down and have a 'come to jesus' talk on splitting the chores or he needs to move out.
There is zero reason thatnyounshould have MORE chores in a shared household. He needs to start cooking at least 3 nights per week. Google and YouTube are his friends.
I'm sorry, if you've been dating for 4 years at this age you don't even know how much better it could be.
Expect more. You deserve more.
Stop doing anything for him. Now. Stop washing his clothes, stop cooking him any food, stop buying any groceries for him. Take care of yourself and let him flounder.
If you keep doing everything for him, and you stay with him, this is how it will be for the rest of your life. You either change it now, or get out if he won't change.
Stop "reminding" him. Sit down with him with a list of all the things that need to be done around the house, how often they need to be done, and how long they take, and then divide it up between you. Put his name against stuff that takes 50% of the time (and make sure it includes things that will directly affect him if not done, like his laundry) and put a list on the fridge or some other place where he cannot miss it.
Make sure you are clear that this is his list to take care of , and that he needs to manage it himself - you will not be reminding him.
And then sit back, do your share, and see what he does with his. If he doesn't step up and do the work, don't remind him and don't nag. Just wait. If he doesn't get it after whatever period of time you decide to give him, have one more conversation about it. Then, again, wait - and if he still hasn't stepped up after a reasonable period of time, be done with him because he will never change.
He does it because he doesn't care. He didn't "forget", he never had any intention of doing his share in the first place. He knows that if he gives fake apologies and false promises you will put up with it. This is very unlikely to ever change while he is in a relationship with you. People like this need to hit rock bottom to realize that their behavior is wrong. You leaving him maybe the kick in the pants he needs to get it together. It may take several failed relationships for him to accept that he's the problem. Or he might never change.
Staying with him will only enable him further. You've already forgiven him so many times that even if you threatened to break up with him over this, he'd probably get it together for a week or two at best before going back to his lazy and self serving self once he sees you've forgiven him yet again. Because he knows that he can get away with it, doesn't care that it hurts you, and doesn't take you seriously.
Coming from someone with ADHD who absolutely hates the phrase "you would've remembered if you actually cared, you're just not trying hard enough." He claims it's not his fault and punishes you for being upset. That is not the attitude of someone that is genuinely trying but struggling and is sorry to have messed up or wants to do better.
Part of being mature is doing things that need to be done without being told…
Your bf doesn’t sound very mature and I don’t know how anyone can be physically attracted to someone with the emotional intelligence of a child.
Just because you have a long history with him doesn’t mean he has to be part of your future, those years weren’t wasted…tuck your hard earned lessons in your pocket and send him back to his mama because she ain’t done raising him.
You should read the book “Fair Play”, there’s a card set that goes along with it. It’s about mental load, responsibilities, and 21st century relationships (which generally have less rigid gender roles than our grandmothers grew up with).
What he’s doing is called weaponized incompetence. It’s an abuse tactic actually. I do believe you love each other, but I also believes he loves himself a lot more than he loves you if he’s willing to let you live in his filth until you clean up after him.
It could kill your intimacy eventually to feel like his mommy picking up after him. No mother wants to fcuk their child, or at least they shouldn’t. Being his mom is not sexy.
Weaponised incompetence.
He won't change.
Use the search on this group or the parent one and you will find 100s of these posts, asking how to get them to change.
Leave and don't put up with it and if we all do it..... they will be forced to be adults.
You're too young to put up with this shit and I know you love him... you will have many loves through life, this one has run its course
It’s because he’s 19 and he probably always had someone doing those things for him. Couple that with “society’s norms” and he isn’t willing to do them properly so you’ll never “believe” he will be doing them as well as you.
Time to end it! Youre way too young to be stuck with this nonsense. He CAN do better,hes choosing NOT to. Also living alone is something. I Recommend all people do at least once. Theres so much peace in having your own space and you learn to like your own company which is great cause you “need” a partner less. I want a partner sure, but i dont NEED ANYONE! Highly recommend
Because he's been taught it's your job when it's not. Leave. It doesn't get better. If someone really cared about you, they wouldn't let you shoulder all the work alone.
He’s a 19 year old child who plays video games. It’s not like you e got yourself a full grown man here, his frontal cortex isn’t even done forming. Dude is only a few years out of diapers and legos here.
Kick him out, the lazy slob doesn’t deserve to live in your place if he can’t even do his 50% of all household chores.
Stop doing everything for this asshole. He can learn how to do shit for himself.
Find a partner who is your equal and actually doesn’t complain about doing household chores, and will gladly tidy, cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
This is why you never move in with someone who hasn’t lived on their own (either with roommates or actually by themselves). They need to learn how to live on their own and fend for themselves first before they move in with a romantic partner.
Why do you bother to mother him? Stop cooking or doing anything around the house. See if he even notices. Do nothing for him and see what happens. What you see is what you get. This should not have taken years to figure out. If he continues to do nothing, tell him you need a man, not a child, and leave.
Move out.
Never live with a man. The only way to not be cleaning up after a man is not to live with him. No matter how progressive a man is or how much he claims to love you there is an inherent misogyny to expect women to cook, clean, and cater to him. Studies show even male roommates will slack on chores when they gain a female roommate.
Downvote away but stats show the majority of relationships are women paying half the bills and still doing all/most childcare and chores. Even when the woman is the only one paying the bills she still manages to do more chores than her stay at home/unemployed partner.
He does it because it makes his life easier and there's no consequences besides listening to you complain.
In my experience, this dynamic will never change. If he doesn't respond (WITH ACTIONS) when you say something upsets you, then the entire relationship will be you fighting constantly to have you basic needs met and have a partner that contributes anything meaningful to keeping a household.
In general, I would suggest you change your mindset about what is your responsibility in a shared household. You aren't the default manager of everything in the house, who keeps track of what needs done, assigns tasks, and reminds him of things. You are both equal partners in sharing a house. He has the same responsibility to know when trash day is and the same ability to see that trash is piling up and decide to take it out. Either he doesn't care if those things are done at all, or he is counting on you to do them. Either way his a very poor fit in a partner.
Love is not enough to sustain a relationship long term. You need to be compatible partners. Your relationship dynamic is that your boyfriend does very little to maintain the home or work out issues, and you have to over-funtion in those areas to compensate. If you don't like that now, you should leave and work on finding someone that you love AND enjoy living life with.
Happens a lot. There are plenty of possible reasons, weaponized incompetence is a thing and a very serious thing, make sure it's not some abusive behavior first and make sure to protect yourself.
But speaking from experience, I've been in the same exact situation with my wife. I know it's uncommon but it's gotten to a point where I do ALL the house chores unless I sit down and do them with her or babysit her ordering her around on what to do. In my situation it turns out it's just her ADHD and trauma (she can't bear the idea of being a housewife) acting up. But one thing is true, just assume that it's NEVER getting better, if anything it'll get worse.
We came to an understanding where she'll just pay extra on her part for the house tasks and I'll use that money to hire someone to help around the house every once in a while. Even so I still do around 90% of the house chores even though I make a lot more money and pay a higher share of our bills.
I'm able to deal with that since I don't work too many hours and I've always had an easy time taking care of my house. If you're not able to come to an agreement and don't want to handle the extra burden, understand it's likely never going to change and look for other solutions. Couples don't necessarily need to live together, if you can make that work, splitting up has to be an option, or just pay for someone to take care of those tasks for you. I love my wife more than anything in the world but I couldn't imagine how hard it would be for me if we ever had kids, we only have a pet and she neglected them too. Luckly we won't be having any kids ever (I'm infertile) and we also won't be adopting any other pets, but that's a lot to give up and no one will judge you.
"he has never commented bad on your looks and personality" is not a reason to stay with someone: it's the bare minimum for a loving partner!
I suggest you live separately, with roommates, so that he can learn to take care of things and, importantly, you get some space from each other in order to grow
SEriously this will only get worse as you get older. What’s going to happen when you have kids and then he is so manipulative that you end up doing everything? What if he decides he doesn’t want to work. Will you have to bring home the bacon, take care of the kids and clean up everything? Just leave. You don’t a grown up toddler to take care of.
He is that way because he's a lazy immature guy and he knows that there's no real consequences to not doing it. You getting upset isn't enough of a consequence for him because he doesn't care enough about your feelings and knows you'll stick around anyway.
Take your example from today. He left your clothes in the basket. This kind of implies that BOTH your clothes were in the basket and he had to pick around your clothes to get to his. Or at the very least I'm guessing your clothes basket was somewhere in the near vicinity of his or the washer? He didn't forget to do laundry - he just didn't want to do YOUR laundry. And even if he legitimately forgot that you asked him earlier to do your laundry...you'll notice that while doing something for himself you were nowhere near a thought or concern in his brain. He didn't say "Gee, let me see if large-hedgehog-3315 has some laundry, too. I'll be nice and surprise her with clean clothes so she doesn't have to worry about it."
Did he forget to feed himself today? Did he forget to play video games?
You notice how he doesn't seem to forget things he cares about or that benefits him?
Just like after the first or second time he "forgot" the garbage. If he cared, either about taking out the garbage or about being a contributing member of your shared home, he would have have said "Oh, shit. I forgot that again. I'm gonna set a reminder on my phone to tell me to take the garbage out every night." Or put a reminder post-it on the bathroom mirror or next to the bed or whatever. Because that's what adults do - they fix the damn problem.
Stop making his excuses for him and stop accepting garbage explanations and letting him skulk away to play video games. "It's not my fault"?!? Then whose fault is it? What caused this?
It's not a forgetting problem, it's a caring problem and you can't make someone care. All you can do is decide for yourself whether you're okay being with someone who doesn't care.
eta: Also, words without actions to back those words up are called lies. He says he's sorry, but then does nothing to fix it. Because his sorry was a lie. He's not sorry he isn't doing those things - he's sorry that he's getting yelled at.
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You leave. As long as you stay with him, he will not do better. Why would he? He has someone at home to do all of it for him or remind him to do it. He doesn't have to grow up.
Why are you still with him?
I do still love him a lot. I can’t really think about life without him. We have been together since highschool and to be honest I can’t imagine life without him. He is still a loving and caring boyfriend and he does do a lot for me (financially and supportively). He has never commented bad on my looks and personality. This is one of the only things that really bothers me about our relationship.
Girl, I'm 26 and let me clue you in on something I've learned the very hard way: love it NOT enough. A relationship takes far more than just love. You say this is the 'only thing' but what you've written about is huge- it's an everyday, all the time thing to do little chores. Do you want to feel resentful and unheard every day? What if you got sick and were bedridden for a while? What if you had kids in the future? Do you think he could keep the household running? Or would it turn into a disaster? Trust me, I've been where you are and it's a no win situation. You either pick up his slack or you stop enabling his laziness and the house turns into a mess. It's exhausting. The alternative is to leave. I promise it's a million times easier to run a house without a overgrown child making messes they don't clean up. >He has never commented bad on my looks and personality This.. is like the bare minimum.
That is well below the bare minimum. "He doesn't insult my looks and personality" is something you say about a friend-of-a-friend who you don't like, but you tolerate because at least he's not a blatantly rude AH. It is not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone for years. "He doesn't insult my looks and personality" doesn't even rise to the level of bare minimum, it's just basically "he's not openly antagonistic or abusive to me". JFC. As a woman nearing 50, it breaks my heart that we even need to still be telling young women, almost 25 years into the 21st century, "No, 'he's not completely shitty to me' is not a good enough reason to warrant being in a relationship with someone. Love yourself more." \*sigh\*
> I can’t really think about life without him Of course not, you've never known life without him. The teenage years are when we grow into independant adults, except you grew up with him and have developed into a part of a couple, not an individual. And that is also why he's acting the way he does. He's never had to take care of himself, he's always had someone there to tell him like a child. He's never learned and he's not going to learn either because are the wheel tracks you're in now and it takes a big jolt to get out of those
He doesn't love you. Rather. He loves what you do for him. Which is be his mummy. The mummy he gets to fuck. Does that sound like love to you? If he really loved you, the way you love him, he'd do the simple things to make you happy. I'm sick as a dog right now, but I'm still doing house chores because they need doing. My husband is doing the same. We both have covid. You're 19. This is your first relationship. You literally have no basis for comparison. We grown ups are telling you. There's better out there. So much better. You can have it all. A guy who takes pride in keeping house. Who's kind. Who takes care of you. Who loves you. Who makes you laugh. The guy who finds out what makes you smile, and specifically does Those Things because he just wants you to be happy. Even if he doesn't get the why. Expect better for yourself.
My mother said to me once that might be tolerable in a young handsome man for a while but will become intolerable in an old man. You’re trapping yourself currently with someone who sounds like they are turning into that inconsiderate old man.
He doesn’t love you enough to do simple chores. Love is an action at the end of the day. It may be the only thing that bothers you, but it’s a huge one that impacts your quality of life on a daily basis.
Great. Move out and date him. He’s not partner material until he grows up.
"the only thing that bothers me about my boyfriend is that he thinks I should be the one to tidy and clean despite the fact we are both able bodied and live together."
That’s not love, it’s routine. How is he loving and caring? Because a loving and caring person would do his fair share of the household chores, instead of expecting you to be a damn maid! And since he had the day off, if he cared for you he’d tidy and clean some of the house for you so that you don’t get back from work to a complete mess that you have to clean - especially when he had the whole day free. He especially wouldn’t have spent that free day just gaming the whole time, or playing on his phone. This man **does not** respect you. He expects you to be a slave for him. And *”but he doesn’t comment badly about my looks”* is a pathetic excuse to stay with him! No partner should ever comment badly about your looks anyway, so if you think that him not commenting badly about your looks makes him a good man, you’re sorely mistaken! That’s not even the bare minimum when it comes to a relationship. You really do have **low** standards! 🤦♀️
He doesn't care enough about you to even listen to you the first time you say something.
Look, it may or may not be in the cards for you but imagine being pregnant (or chronically ill if you're child-free). Completely unable to help yourself for large periods of time through either severe HG or pain or general illness. Could you rely on this person to look after you and meet the rise in expectations? Will they step up and keep you as healthy as they can? Will they comfort you? Step up around the house? Do everything you no longer can? If the answer is no, reconsider this relationship. I've just spent 14 weeks with debilitating nausea and fatigue. Literally couldn't move for hours at a time without throwing up horrifically and repeatedly. My husband took over literally everything. I never expected him to but he hasn't ever complained or made comment. Can you say the same about your partner?
Your new to dating in the adult world so ima lay down some advice I need to know at your age -"I can't see life without him" isn't a reason to stay with someone it's what they say in sappy romantic movies but the reality is that life goes on, life went on before him and it will go on after he isnt the sum of ur existence. Be with a person because you love them and they love you and the life you have together is supportive and healthy not because you can't imagine how you will cope without them that's just being dependent not in love. -being loving, caring, and supportive as a partner is a given it should always be that way it shouldn't be the saving grace that stop you from breaking up with someone, it's easy to be loving and caring towards someone you like -"hes never commented badly about x" that's not a redeeming quality that's the standard. -don't stay with someone who dodges accountability or shifts responsibilities they make bad partners in life. He should be able to admit he's made a error in judgement you don't want a life of "it's not my fualt" and "can you just do it I always end up doing it wrong anyway" you will grow resentful like you are already. Rightfully so!
> He is still a loving and caring boyfriend and he does do a lot for me (financially and supportively). He has never commented bad on my looks and personality That's the bare minimum. Also, he is obviously *not* a caring boyfriend.
I am quite a lot older than you, and I echo another comment that love is not enough. I will also add that because you got together so young, you don't actually really know if this is real love or not - I know you will disagree with me on this (because I did when I was your age), but it is true. It might be love. But it might not. And even if it is, it isn't enough by itself to sustain a happy long-term relationship when he is already being so selfish and uncaring. You say he's loving and caring, but his behaviour doesn't show it. He takes you for granted. And "never commenting bad" about you is a painfully low bar to expect of a decent human - girl, raise your standards. You deserve nothing less than a full partner, not merely someone who doesn't criticize your looks. You also can't imagine your life without him because you literally haven't experienced adult life without him. You're barely an adult, and you moved in together when you were very, very young. You have no idea what wonderful things could be waiting for you out there in life, and you will never find out if you limit yourself to a decision that you made when you were 15/16 years old - don't hang on just because you're afraid of change. Expect more. So much more.
High school sweethearts have a statistic of high cheating / affairs. If you're not happy now then leave him in the dust. My parents were high school sweethearts and I saw it with my own eyes. In my high school year book I saw who got "most friendly" and "cutest high school couple" superlatives ...the girl in the relationship was "most friendly" and let me tell you lol... she cheated her high school sweetheart and made him raise a child that wasn't even his for 3 years. I ALWAYS hear shitty stories about high school sweethearts and your story is just adding to the list. Just say you're young, inexperienced, save up and go into a world to find yourself. You don't want to spend your 20s trapped in this situation. You don't want to be a young mother and it's telling because you don't like picking up after boyfriend. Now imagine a couple kids in the mix. When I was your age I saved up to travel out of state. Probably dated 20 different girls in a 3 year period. Be young and have fun. Life is too short to be spending it with someone who can't even be a team player.
Honey you were together as teenagers. You are just now barely adults. As much as you don't think so now, this is NOT even close to the last relationship of your life. I encourage you to live independently for several years and experience that, regardless of this relationship, before settling down with a housemate and partner. Give yourself the freedom to make life choices (work, education, travel, relocation) that you cant easily do when in a relationship. Develop as an adult. It takes a while. Compatibility will make itself known and it wont be a struggle.
Those things you mentioned are kinda the bare minimum, not reasons to stay.
So bare minimum then.. got it.
Then stay and keep being his mom. Hope you're not planning on kids because you already have one.
OP look up the term weaponized incompetence and realize this is what he is doing. "He has never commented bad on my looks and personality." It seems like you are setting a very low bar for him to meet and yet he is still not showing he understands how to be an adult. My bet is you are also the one that pays all of the bills, so I suggest you "forget" to pay the internet bill. Then tell him you forgot and maybe he should start paying it so it is not missed. That way he has to actually do adult things or he can't play his video games online. If this doesn't work then he's just not ready to be an adult and it's time to send him back home to his parents to finish growing up. If he can't be trusted to do the very little you're asking of him now, how much worse is he going to be if you have a kid? Please make sure your birth control is working, the last thing you need now is to have a baby with someone that is still a baby himself.
Can you not hear yourself and your replies like if this was your best friend telling you these things and responding back this way? Wouldn't you want to slap some sense? Under her because I'm sorry. Just because he gives you compliments and doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. Doesn't make him a good man. The dude isn't even doing the bare minimum of responsibility in a relationship. Let alone a household and you call that love girl. You need to grow up, find some balls and MOVE out and get away from this dude seriously. You say? Oh, this is the only thing that bothers me.No, it's not.You're just not opening up yourself enough to realize the stupidity.Think you're so in love God?I feel so bad for this.Younger generation growing up right now yall are idiots
He doesn't love you. My husband was very much like this. But when he saw how much it upset me, and how it hurt my feelings when he let me down, *he made the effort to do better* If he actually loved you, he'd get off his hind end and help you
He knows you can't imagine life without him and he knows you'll pick up his slack and be his mother. He will do (or not do) what you allow him to. You have every right to expect a partner who contributed equally to the basic chores required to live. Take a break. Live some life on your own. Grow your confidence. Maybe you two come back together as more mature adults later, maybe not. But neither of you are healthy or growing in this relationship. You're both stagnating and the next step is resentment.
Look up weaponized incompetence. He's not "forgetting". Is he this absent minded with his job? With his friends and family? Probably not. He's magically forgetful when it comes to chores, or helping you around the house. I don't have advice for you, but I do know a large part of relationship problems are chore distribution issues. You could treat him like a child and come up with a chore chart if he's that "forgetful". Good luck.
"never commented bad on my looks and personality" By your standards, most people you run into at a bus station far exceed your boyfriend in quality
It's very disheartening to see young women relegate themselves to these benefit-less, mother figure, bang maid "wifely" roles. At your age, you should be dealing with far more important , fun, friendship building matters. Your personal growth is top of that list. You'll miss this time and regret it when you're older. You are literally living for a boy who refuses to grow up. He basically jumped from one mom to another, only this one ( you ) he gets to bang. What are you doing? Have you actually asked yourself that? If I had a daughter and she took this route, I'd be sorely disappointed
Why did you move in together at 17? Feel like that really needs some context. And you live together alone, not with family? The only grace to give for this behavior is that you're both VERY young. If you were 25, this is not the advice I would give. He needs to live on his own. Be responsible for his own living space. Basically, he needs to grow the hell up and be an adult before he gets the privilege of living with you. You are not his mother or his maid and he is not currently capable of being an actual partner to you. It's really difficult to change this dynamic period, but especially without consequences. So that should be the consequence.
He doesn't care enough to "remember" Either accept that you will have to do all the chores or live apart so he can learn to do his own chores or break up until he learns to do chores.
Welp, let the trash pile up . As long as you do it for him like his mother, then he’s off the hook. I know trash piling up is not good, but how else will be remember? Don’t do his laundry. Clean up only your mess or cook for only yourself and see if he notices and tries. Then say, “it’s not my fault.” If you see no changes, then leave!! They typically are who they are just like you’re who you are and change is rare.
Never do a man’s laundry. He’s a fucking adult.
As a 34 year old divorced woman. Stop asking why and stop trying to make him understand. I wasted my 20s on a man just like your boyfriend. I still dont know why anyone would ever want to act like a child, take advantage of their partner or lie to get out of doing their part as an adult having a home. But I do know that it only gets worse, especially when/if you have children. And at that point you cant even leave the man fully because you are stuck coparenting with this mess for years to come and not only you but your child will pay the price. And in the end you have wasted years of your youth on someone who treats you like shit.
Op, listen to her. He is choosing to treat you like shit
It's because his parents never made him do it and learn therefore he just expects you to do it. Tell him that you won't do his stuff for him. You expected an equal relationship, not one where you are expected to mother him. Tell him that you expect him to do his fair share of the chores. His response will tell you all you need to know about how he feels about you and what he expects.
I disagree. My parents never made me do anything and I moved in with a man who had the same home life. I strepped up, learnt and to responsibility. My ex was like ops boyfriend. It is a choice to behave like this especially when he has op telling him exactly what is wrong.
This is weaponised incompetence. He is choosing to be lazy and selfish and you are unfortunately being kind and rewarding that behaviour. The answer is that you don't do anything for him unless he reciprocates. Or move out.
Congrats, you've adopted a manchild. How happy are you being his mommy? Tell him he makes half the mess, so he needs to do half the work, or he can do all the work in his own place.
Yeah he's being deliberately useless so you just get in to the habit of doing everything. I don't think it'll get better. Why would he be good at doing all these chores when he has you to do them for him and he can just be lazy and play games. I don't think this is right at all, I just think that is his logic. He has lots of growing up to do. I also think you've moved in together too young. Just get out there and enjoy your life before settling down into essentially married life! There's so much out there to do and see before that!
You're 19. It's time for this lesson. And the comfort and happiness of your entire future rests on you learning it well. He didn't forget. It's not an accident. It is his fault. He is doing it on purpose. He wants you to be his fuck-mummy. The plan is to wear you down until you stop asking and just do Everything yourself. This is premeditated. He knows exactly what he's doing. The only, Only, cure is to dump him. Send him back to his real mummy so he can grow up. While you move on to dating real men who Want to be a partner, not a toddler. Men who would be humiliated to act like your boyfriend is. You cannot fix him.
100% this. This will not change. You will grow to resent him, trust me. Move on Hun. He IS showing you who he is. He is lazy, selfish, and willfully incompetent. Do not waste any more of your time. Tell him to step up or get out.
You took him straight from mummy. He had no idea how to do anything for himself because he’s never had to. He’s watched his mummy cater to him and his father all his life and thinks that’s how it should be forever. You need to stop living together and he needs to live on his own for a while. That’s the only way he will have any chance to understand what being an adult entails. It may not help though. There’s a lot of of men who never get it.
She didn’t “take” him, he is not an infant she snatched. If she can do these tasks straight out of her parent’s home, so could he. He is choosing this
He wants you to be his Mom. Send him back to her and find someone who is more of a partner than a child.
So you have a grown up baby. Why attach yourself to someone when you are just 17 with your life ahead of you. He will bring you down and keep your works small because he will be a lazy partner and husband and father. If you have any get up and go in you, he will stifle you.
If you really want to be with him, you need to set boundaries. Give him tasks to do. Stop doing his washing, cooking for a bit, and make him realise. If he has no initiative to change, then you either decide to stay as he is or leave.
because you are mothering him.. so why’s he have to do anything when you’ll do it . switch it up
"But he never does." And he never will. It's in the title: you're his mother, not his partner. Stop carrying him and send him on his way. Love doesn't fix lazy or entitled.
People who allow others to do the work for them will carry on allowing this person to carry the weight forever. They do not change. I honestly think there is something fundamentally ingrained in their brains where they are fine with letting others work for them, doing all the chores, they aren't bothered by the "mothering" because it's white noise to them. You'll always be happier living alone than living with someone like this.
weaponized incompetence and ignorance. please rethink your relationship, he will never change if you stay with him.
He put in his clothes but not yours? Does he care about you? That is actually the worst. I would leave. Men like this only learn from women saying no. Not just saying no but enacting the no by leaving. My ex only learned after several women left him over this. Then he started thinking maybe these women were right and putting in more effort. Do not sign up for a lifetime of willful incompetence on his part. You have better things to do with your life energy than be this adult man-child’s caregiver. He has never lived on his own as an adult. He needs a wake up call. He will probably just live like a slob at this age and not do more but at least you won’t be bothered.
He knows how to do laundry but deliberately didn't put yours in with his. He's not incompetent, he chose not to help you out. That's a message from him that you should return. Bring home food for yourself, absolutely do not do his laundry or anything you as a nice person would do. See what his actual expectations are for you and himself and if you can live with them or not.
And this is why we break up with our high school boyfriends. Actually it's often why we break up with men of just about any age.
He’s got a case of weaponized incompetence and you’re replacing his mommy. Believe me, your frustration will explode if you keep doing everything for him. You need to take everyone’s advice about living on your own, being independent, and living your life before being tied down in a relationship.
He went from Mommy's home to New Mommy's home. Once I started dating I made a new rule that any guy I dated had to live on his own for at least a year. He could have roommates but he needed to be out of her house AND not bringing laundry home to her or having her pop by to clean his place. And I neede to make sure that the roommates weren't doing all of the cleaning up after my boyfriend. You're dating a large child. My husband does 95% of the cooking for our family. My 12 yr old son can make lasagna and run a load of wash without pulling stupid shit like not throwing in other people's clothes. He didn't even wash his own clothes on Saturday WITHOUT YOU TELLING HIM TO. This guy doesn't have basic Adulting skills. This guy cannot do better than you because no one else would want to date a lazy man-child that they need to Mother. However, you can do a lot better. You can find someone who will invite you over and cook for you. My husband used to invite me over for a date and cook delicious food (he is 100% self-taught). If you want this relationship to not die a painful death you need to tell him that he either steps up and starts doing AT LEAST half of the chores or he needs to move out for a year and then you can try the living together thing again. Love does not mean setting yourself up to be his maid for life, although a lot of women accidentally fall into that trap by wanting to do nice things for the ome they love. Your man-child is used to mommy picking up the slack, so he doesn't even realize how much you are doing!!! With your guy it is worse, he is playing videogames just like back home with mommy. Your example of the laundry is worse than most guys. He didn't even *think* to do YOURS because all he was doing was completing the "chore" you assigned him. He NEVER considered how it would help or affect your place or you. He didn't think of you once. Your boyfriend is below even this level: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ I'm sorry, but you need to sit down and have a 'come to jesus' talk on splitting the chores or he needs to move out. There is zero reason thatnyounshould have MORE chores in a shared household. He needs to start cooking at least 3 nights per week. Google and YouTube are his friends. I'm sorry, if you've been dating for 4 years at this age you don't even know how much better it could be. Expect more. You deserve more.
Two words. Weaponized incompetence
Stop doing anything for him. Now. Stop washing his clothes, stop cooking him any food, stop buying any groceries for him. Take care of yourself and let him flounder. If you keep doing everything for him, and you stay with him, this is how it will be for the rest of your life. You either change it now, or get out if he won't change. Stop "reminding" him. Sit down with him with a list of all the things that need to be done around the house, how often they need to be done, and how long they take, and then divide it up between you. Put his name against stuff that takes 50% of the time (and make sure it includes things that will directly affect him if not done, like his laundry) and put a list on the fridge or some other place where he cannot miss it. Make sure you are clear that this is his list to take care of , and that he needs to manage it himself - you will not be reminding him. And then sit back, do your share, and see what he does with his. If he doesn't step up and do the work, don't remind him and don't nag. Just wait. If he doesn't get it after whatever period of time you decide to give him, have one more conversation about it. Then, again, wait - and if he still hasn't stepped up after a reasonable period of time, be done with him because he will never change.
He does it because he doesn't care. He didn't "forget", he never had any intention of doing his share in the first place. He knows that if he gives fake apologies and false promises you will put up with it. This is very unlikely to ever change while he is in a relationship with you. People like this need to hit rock bottom to realize that their behavior is wrong. You leaving him maybe the kick in the pants he needs to get it together. It may take several failed relationships for him to accept that he's the problem. Or he might never change. Staying with him will only enable him further. You've already forgiven him so many times that even if you threatened to break up with him over this, he'd probably get it together for a week or two at best before going back to his lazy and self serving self once he sees you've forgiven him yet again. Because he knows that he can get away with it, doesn't care that it hurts you, and doesn't take you seriously. Coming from someone with ADHD who absolutely hates the phrase "you would've remembered if you actually cared, you're just not trying hard enough." He claims it's not his fault and punishes you for being upset. That is not the attitude of someone that is genuinely trying but struggling and is sorry to have messed up or wants to do better.
Part of being mature is doing things that need to be done without being told… Your bf doesn’t sound very mature and I don’t know how anyone can be physically attracted to someone with the emotional intelligence of a child. Just because you have a long history with him doesn’t mean he has to be part of your future, those years weren’t wasted…tuck your hard earned lessons in your pocket and send him back to his mama because she ain’t done raising him.
You should read the book “Fair Play”, there’s a card set that goes along with it. It’s about mental load, responsibilities, and 21st century relationships (which generally have less rigid gender roles than our grandmothers grew up with). What he’s doing is called weaponized incompetence. It’s an abuse tactic actually. I do believe you love each other, but I also believes he loves himself a lot more than he loves you if he’s willing to let you live in his filth until you clean up after him. It could kill your intimacy eventually to feel like his mommy picking up after him. No mother wants to fcuk their child, or at least they shouldn’t. Being his mom is not sexy.
Dump the toddler. It's time to move on and find a man.
get out why you still can, you‘re too young to be the mother of a 19 year old child
Kick him out...you are dating a child. Send him home to his mother so she can finish rearing him and teaching him to be an adult. That's not your job.
Weaponised incompetence. He won't change. Use the search on this group or the parent one and you will find 100s of these posts, asking how to get them to change. Leave and don't put up with it and if we all do it..... they will be forced to be adults. You're too young to put up with this shit and I know you love him... you will have many loves through life, this one has run its course
Congrats! You're together with a man-child. Question is: WHY.
It’s because he’s 19 and he probably always had someone doing those things for him. Couple that with “society’s norms” and he isn’t willing to do them properly so you’ll never “believe” he will be doing them as well as you.
You don’t “have to”, you’re choosing to. If you really don’t want to do it you leave. He’s not going to change.
Time to end it! Youre way too young to be stuck with this nonsense. He CAN do better,hes choosing NOT to. Also living alone is something. I Recommend all people do at least once. Theres so much peace in having your own space and you learn to like your own company which is great cause you “need” a partner less. I want a partner sure, but i dont NEED ANYONE! Highly recommend
[Fair Play cards](https://theeverymom.com/fair-play-cards/)
Because he's been taught it's your job when it's not. Leave. It doesn't get better. If someone really cared about you, they wouldn't let you shoulder all the work alone.
He’s a 19 year old child who plays video games. It’s not like you e got yourself a full grown man here, his frontal cortex isn’t even done forming. Dude is only a few years out of diapers and legos here.
Kick him out, the lazy slob doesn’t deserve to live in your place if he can’t even do his 50% of all household chores. Stop doing everything for this asshole. He can learn how to do shit for himself. Find a partner who is your equal and actually doesn’t complain about doing household chores, and will gladly tidy, cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
This is why you never move in with someone who hasn’t lived on their own (either with roommates or actually by themselves). They need to learn how to live on their own and fend for themselves first before they move in with a romantic partner.
Why do you bother to mother him? Stop cooking or doing anything around the house. See if he even notices. Do nothing for him and see what happens. What you see is what you get. This should not have taken years to figure out. If he continues to do nothing, tell him you need a man, not a child, and leave.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
That’s boy, not a man
Move out. Never live with a man. The only way to not be cleaning up after a man is not to live with him. No matter how progressive a man is or how much he claims to love you there is an inherent misogyny to expect women to cook, clean, and cater to him. Studies show even male roommates will slack on chores when they gain a female roommate. Downvote away but stats show the majority of relationships are women paying half the bills and still doing all/most childcare and chores. Even when the woman is the only one paying the bills she still manages to do more chores than her stay at home/unemployed partner.
He didn’t forget - he just doesn’t care enough.
Send him back to mommy, he isn't ready to be an adult.
He does it because it makes his life easier and there's no consequences besides listening to you complain. In my experience, this dynamic will never change. If he doesn't respond (WITH ACTIONS) when you say something upsets you, then the entire relationship will be you fighting constantly to have you basic needs met and have a partner that contributes anything meaningful to keeping a household. In general, I would suggest you change your mindset about what is your responsibility in a shared household. You aren't the default manager of everything in the house, who keeps track of what needs done, assigns tasks, and reminds him of things. You are both equal partners in sharing a house. He has the same responsibility to know when trash day is and the same ability to see that trash is piling up and decide to take it out. Either he doesn't care if those things are done at all, or he is counting on you to do them. Either way his a very poor fit in a partner. Love is not enough to sustain a relationship long term. You need to be compatible partners. Your relationship dynamic is that your boyfriend does very little to maintain the home or work out issues, and you have to over-funtion in those areas to compensate. If you don't like that now, you should leave and work on finding someone that you love AND enjoy living life with.
Leave. It will never get better. He isn’t going to mature.
Happens a lot. There are plenty of possible reasons, weaponized incompetence is a thing and a very serious thing, make sure it's not some abusive behavior first and make sure to protect yourself. But speaking from experience, I've been in the same exact situation with my wife. I know it's uncommon but it's gotten to a point where I do ALL the house chores unless I sit down and do them with her or babysit her ordering her around on what to do. In my situation it turns out it's just her ADHD and trauma (she can't bear the idea of being a housewife) acting up. But one thing is true, just assume that it's NEVER getting better, if anything it'll get worse. We came to an understanding where she'll just pay extra on her part for the house tasks and I'll use that money to hire someone to help around the house every once in a while. Even so I still do around 90% of the house chores even though I make a lot more money and pay a higher share of our bills. I'm able to deal with that since I don't work too many hours and I've always had an easy time taking care of my house. If you're not able to come to an agreement and don't want to handle the extra burden, understand it's likely never going to change and look for other solutions. Couples don't necessarily need to live together, if you can make that work, splitting up has to be an option, or just pay for someone to take care of those tasks for you. I love my wife more than anything in the world but I couldn't imagine how hard it would be for me if we ever had kids, we only have a pet and she neglected them too. Luckly we won't be having any kids ever (I'm infertile) and we also won't be adopting any other pets, but that's a lot to give up and no one will judge you.
"he has never commented bad on your looks and personality" is not a reason to stay with someone: it's the bare minimum for a loving partner! I suggest you live separately, with roommates, so that he can learn to take care of things and, importantly, you get some space from each other in order to grow
Do not do his laundry. Do not prepare meals for him. If you have two bathrooms, choose one as your own and refuse to clean his.
Because you haven’t dumped him. Dump him and you’ll see how you won’t have to ‘mother’ anybody. Toodaloo.
SEriously this will only get worse as you get older. What’s going to happen when you have kids and then he is so manipulative that you end up doing everything? What if he decides he doesn’t want to work. Will you have to bring home the bacon, take care of the kids and clean up everything? Just leave. You don’t a grown up toddler to take care of.
What a bore.
He is that way because he's a lazy immature guy and he knows that there's no real consequences to not doing it. You getting upset isn't enough of a consequence for him because he doesn't care enough about your feelings and knows you'll stick around anyway. Take your example from today. He left your clothes in the basket. This kind of implies that BOTH your clothes were in the basket and he had to pick around your clothes to get to his. Or at the very least I'm guessing your clothes basket was somewhere in the near vicinity of his or the washer? He didn't forget to do laundry - he just didn't want to do YOUR laundry. And even if he legitimately forgot that you asked him earlier to do your laundry...you'll notice that while doing something for himself you were nowhere near a thought or concern in his brain. He didn't say "Gee, let me see if large-hedgehog-3315 has some laundry, too. I'll be nice and surprise her with clean clothes so she doesn't have to worry about it." Did he forget to feed himself today? Did he forget to play video games? You notice how he doesn't seem to forget things he cares about or that benefits him? Just like after the first or second time he "forgot" the garbage. If he cared, either about taking out the garbage or about being a contributing member of your shared home, he would have have said "Oh, shit. I forgot that again. I'm gonna set a reminder on my phone to tell me to take the garbage out every night." Or put a reminder post-it on the bathroom mirror or next to the bed or whatever. Because that's what adults do - they fix the damn problem. Stop making his excuses for him and stop accepting garbage explanations and letting him skulk away to play video games. "It's not my fault"?!? Then whose fault is it? What caused this? It's not a forgetting problem, it's a caring problem and you can't make someone care. All you can do is decide for yourself whether you're okay being with someone who doesn't care. eta: Also, words without actions to back those words up are called lies. He says he's sorry, but then does nothing to fix it. Because his sorry was a lie. He's not sorry he isn't doing those things - he's sorry that he's getting yelled at.