Thanks for sharing! I can really feel your hurt. Much love bro <3
This may sound callous, but I mean it in the most compassionate way: don't engage with her, and don't try to use the fantasy of becoming friends with her in the future as an emotional crutch. She has chosen to exit out of your life.
This is an opportunity for you to learn both to be with yourself and to form meaningful connections with people other than her.
Thank you. I think that was my issue in my relationships in general. I tend to be the one who "just go off with their partner and never to be found again" person, because I want to share everything and do everything daily with her. I realize that now I was dependent on her more than she was dependent on me...it hurts to realize that, and it makes me very sad..
I am trying to "form meaningful connections with people other than her" now, but starting from ground zero is so hard..
Feel for you my man. It sucks.
For clarity though, she broke up with you because she thinks she can do better. I’m not saying this to be mean and harsh. I’m saying this because this is what she actually said, but she wordsmithed it to make it more palatable for you. She wants to remain friends because she still wants you on the bench in case she can’t find anyone better. “New experiences”? It means she wants other men. Once she finds these “new experiences” and these guys use her and throw her away, she will come running back. That’s when you need to prepare yourself to reject her. Because you don’t deserve to be settled for or be the backup plan.
Go completely no contact with her. Not to be mean but because it is going to be what you need to disconnect, heal and move on. There is no such thing as friendships after a relationship. It’s laughable.
Keep focused on your career that you just moved for. And make some new guy friends that will challenge you to be better.
Best of luck man
> He is obviously more into her than she is into him
Yeah, happens all the time. So it's a good thing she tries to find someone who she is more compatible with. And the chances are quite high she'll never come "running back".
She’s 22 and at the right age to be out “experiencing”. This facade of staying “friends” is not going to do you any good. Do You really want to be on the receiving end while she’s telling you she’s getting ready for a date….with someone else? Just drop her for good, you’re too old to be playing games and trying to keep each other on a string.
I hate to tell you this, but the “experiences” she’s wanting to try are other men. Who knows how many. She’s been planning this for a while now and has made peace with it. She probably already has someone in mind and instead of cheating, she dumped you. She wants to stay “friends” to keep you around and interested as a fallback plan when her plan fails. This blindsided you and It’s gonna suck for a long time. You will go through every emotion imaginable and it will feel like a dagger in the heart the first time you see her out with someone else. You are going to need an outlet and I would suggest getting in the gym and putting work into your body. You’ll be amazed what a stress reliever it is and also how many people started there in your shoes. Plus you’ll be changing for the better. And when your ex comes back around after being treated like shit by all the bodies she’s collected, you can turn her away confidently. Most of us guys have been where you are and I hate it for you, but you will come out of this stronger. Good luck bro.
Perfectly put. Also don't become her comfort blanket when she inevitably reaches out to you when she gets used and dumped. You can do so so much better than that idiot.
Forget her. Harsh truth is she broke up with you to get more D. And she will probably be back when she realises you were better than sleeping around.
Do not take her back when that happens.
Totally get it. Heartbreak sucks. Much older than you, so I’ll let you know that there’s someone else that matches you better. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Also, figure out your passions. What brings you the most happiness? Focus on that. When my bf decided not to rekindle things, I started playing racquetball with some other singles every Sunday. It gave me something else to be dedicated to other than him. You’ll get through this. Cry when you need to, but not too much, because there’s a world out there waiting to meet you.
you should block her number. just close that door for good. don't even give her the possibility of coming back to you. that's the first step you should take if you want to start moving on. because if you don't, then the chapter won't be finished in your head either.
I doubt she would be breaking up with you if she didn't have someone else in mind already. Either she was trying to let you down gently, or she's keeping you in her back pocket as insurance in case new relationships don't work out. Don't text her for comfort or anything else. It's time to seek new support friends and new relationships. If you were already married to her, would you accept these conditions? You're starting over with a new city and single status. Build the life you want to live, and leave her to pursue whatever it is she's looking for. Choose to move forward.
She also said that I should help remind her if and when she texts me, because she thinks she will get too comfortable and get with me again, so I should stop her. So that makes me kind of think that she really just wants to take a chance to force herself to try other people, whatever that means, and she doesn't actually have anyone or any plans yet.
That's certainly a possibility. But without discussing it with her, you just don't know. If she does contact you, have that discussion (with direct questions) rather than just trying to guess what's going on. However, you should still use this time away from her to explore and improve your own personal life. She does not have the right to put your life on hold. Good luck!
There is absolutely no benefit for you being friends with her. That is just for her so when she’s done getting ran through she can come back. My suggestion would be to let her know not to contact you anymore. Unfortunately time is the best healer. Stay busy the next few weeks while you work through this.
>I hope you know, you are so good to me, and this is so so hard for me right now. I don't want to go.
>Then, she said that she has always thought that she doesn't want to be someone who is with their first boyfriend forever, get married and commit to life.
So she loves you, hugs you, kisses you and doesn't want to go but she is ok with going no contact for up to 6 months and having no issue with sleeping around so you wouldn't be the only man she had sex with? Does this make sense to you? I can't imaging being heartbroken over ending things with the person I love and then go around and have sex with multiple dudes.
You are her safety net. She knows you'll be there when she gets back. She's not scared of losing you or how this would effect your relationship. Just move on, tell her that you thought about it and you wouldn't get back together after this "2, 3 or 6 month" break and you will be blocking her. Tell her good luck in finding what she wants and hope that she'll be in the future and block her number.
She wants excitement, fun, and freedom. She doesn't realize that those things aren't always that great, and excitement isn't always fun. Freedom is awesome, but it gets lonely at times. Who knows, maybe her life will be all sunshine and happy times, but sometimes the going gets tough. She will learn a lot about herself, but she probably won't be back with you when she is tired of all the excitement.
She wants to remain friends because it is comforting to her; you want to stay friends because?? The problem with being friends with your ex is that it will make it more difficult to find a girl that will put up with that. Cut ties, work on yourself, make friends that aren't an ex, and move on with your life.
I suppose it depends on how much the relationship means to them. I have heard opposition stories, were a girl is in a good first time relationship for years and her friends try to convince her to break up to try out different guys but shes reluctant because her relationship is so good.
This could also just be a sexual thing for her, she may have run into guys who she has strong sexual attraction to and is feeling like she's missing out
The decision has been made. The only thing you can do is to move on. Just about everyone on this forum has had a similar heartbreak. I'm 55 and had several long term relationships end before I found my wife. It hurts. That pain can be almost debilitating at times. But, it will get better. Every day, every week, every month, it gets a little better. When you are up to it, put yourself out there and make yourself available for someone else. I feel confident you will one day look back on this and see that she truly wasn't right for you.
She phrased it in a way that was designed to save your feelings but she is trying to upgrade. It's probably true that she wants to bang random guys and see what she's missing but if you were the man of her dreams she'd stay.
I'm pretty sure if you were Hollywood handsome and starting your rotation in cardiac surgery she wouldn't be looking for new experiences. lol
Your next move is to upgrade your package (job, fitness level, diet, etc) and upgrade your girl. If she wants to come back you can tell her that her window of opportunity has closed.
Thanks for all the early comments. Yes, I see that the sentiment here is the same from everyone.
What I want to add is: we met at a weird time, just after COVID during which was she caught in HS and University. She didn't make any friends in first year uni, and had one terrible hook-up which went badly. Then we met, and got together for two years. She mentioned this factor, that she felt like her teenage years was just a wash, locked in-door, meeting no one. Then we happened, such amazing things. But I was four years older, full-time job, going into master's degree... really serious about the relationship early on. So she said suddenly she just gained 4 years in age. She didn't feel her age, and she felt like she never got to experience her early 20s like many of her friends did, sure that probably includes sleeping around. She thinks that leaving can help her grow and learn more about relationships, even the one we had. She refers to the fact that I became a better person after my relationship with my ex, and she wants to do the same. It sounds silly and naive, and she's giving up "us" to try and learn this herself. I think she really does sees this as learning which she needs, and I agree she has many areas in the relationship-intelligence lacking. I don't believe that she already has another person lined-up and is just trying to soften the blow to me. She is a terrible liar, so I think I can say when she said "This is so hard for me, I don't want to go", she wasn't faking it.
Also, I want to acknowledge that I cannot look over that fact that this means she think she can do better. I think if someone is truly so happy in a relationship, even their first, they wouldn't be "trying new things" by giving up what we had. So I am doing self-reflection as well, because I admit her gripes with me were legitimate.
At the end, I think I just want to believe in the good in her, and us that we can just be friends. Rare and stupid, maybe, but I know others have done it with exes and led a great life as friends afterward.
Or maybe, I am just naive.
>Or maybe, I am just naive.
Yep.
But you'll have to learn that crushing lesson for yourself.
After all, how can you *possibly* know that a hot stove will burn you unless you place both hands firmly on the searing surface for as long as you can?
Because what do those warning you based on their own experiences and currently healing in the hospital burn unit know?
How should you move on?
Make a clean break.
Cut all contact remove from social media.
She wants to go on a sex rampage because she thinks she's missed out on a lot.
Don't be surprised if she contacts you later in life after Chad and Tyrone have ran through her like Gen Grant through the South in the Civil War.
Don't take her back ever, she'll make your life miserable.
Now
Stop whining like a little b@#ch and start dating there are many of other woman out there.
Get on your horse and ride
Good luck brother, we all deserve to be happy.
Thanks for sharing! I can really feel your hurt. Much love bro <3 This may sound callous, but I mean it in the most compassionate way: don't engage with her, and don't try to use the fantasy of becoming friends with her in the future as an emotional crutch. She has chosen to exit out of your life. This is an opportunity for you to learn both to be with yourself and to form meaningful connections with people other than her.
Thank you. I think that was my issue in my relationships in general. I tend to be the one who "just go off with their partner and never to be found again" person, because I want to share everything and do everything daily with her. I realize that now I was dependent on her more than she was dependent on me...it hurts to realize that, and it makes me very sad.. I am trying to "form meaningful connections with people other than her" now, but starting from ground zero is so hard..
Feel for you my man. It sucks. For clarity though, she broke up with you because she thinks she can do better. I’m not saying this to be mean and harsh. I’m saying this because this is what she actually said, but she wordsmithed it to make it more palatable for you. She wants to remain friends because she still wants you on the bench in case she can’t find anyone better. “New experiences”? It means she wants other men. Once she finds these “new experiences” and these guys use her and throw her away, she will come running back. That’s when you need to prepare yourself to reject her. Because you don’t deserve to be settled for or be the backup plan. Go completely no contact with her. Not to be mean but because it is going to be what you need to disconnect, heal and move on. There is no such thing as friendships after a relationship. It’s laughable. Keep focused on your career that you just moved for. And make some new guy friends that will challenge you to be better. Best of luck man
> Once she finds these “new experiences” and these guys use her and throw her away, she will come running back. What kind of nice guy bs is this?
He’s stuck. He is obviously more into her than she is into him. Causes guys heads to go to mush. Hope he sees the light
> He is obviously more into her than she is into him Yeah, happens all the time. So it's a good thing she tries to find someone who she is more compatible with. And the chances are quite high she'll never come "running back".
My money is on her finding the grass is not greener on the other side. Then she will want him back
Good thing people aren't grass.
Thank you both for your takes here. It really helps
She’s 22 and at the right age to be out “experiencing”. This facade of staying “friends” is not going to do you any good. Do You really want to be on the receiving end while she’s telling you she’s getting ready for a date….with someone else? Just drop her for good, you’re too old to be playing games and trying to keep each other on a string.
I hate to tell you this, but the “experiences” she’s wanting to try are other men. Who knows how many. She’s been planning this for a while now and has made peace with it. She probably already has someone in mind and instead of cheating, she dumped you. She wants to stay “friends” to keep you around and interested as a fallback plan when her plan fails. This blindsided you and It’s gonna suck for a long time. You will go through every emotion imaginable and it will feel like a dagger in the heart the first time you see her out with someone else. You are going to need an outlet and I would suggest getting in the gym and putting work into your body. You’ll be amazed what a stress reliever it is and also how many people started there in your shoes. Plus you’ll be changing for the better. And when your ex comes back around after being treated like shit by all the bodies she’s collected, you can turn her away confidently. Most of us guys have been where you are and I hate it for you, but you will come out of this stronger. Good luck bro.
Perfectly put. Also don't become her comfort blanket when she inevitably reaches out to you when she gets used and dumped. You can do so so much better than that idiot.
Forget her. Harsh truth is she broke up with you to get more D. And she will probably be back when she realises you were better than sleeping around. Do not take her back when that happens.
I mean ... she probbaly won't be back.
You’d be surprise it happens often
Totally get it. Heartbreak sucks. Much older than you, so I’ll let you know that there’s someone else that matches you better. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Also, figure out your passions. What brings you the most happiness? Focus on that. When my bf decided not to rekindle things, I started playing racquetball with some other singles every Sunday. It gave me something else to be dedicated to other than him. You’ll get through this. Cry when you need to, but not too much, because there’s a world out there waiting to meet you.
She probably wants to be with someone she can see every day.shes 22 and long distance has got to suck. Maybe you should find someone local.
you should block her number. just close that door for good. don't even give her the possibility of coming back to you. that's the first step you should take if you want to start moving on. because if you don't, then the chapter won't be finished in your head either.
I doubt she would be breaking up with you if she didn't have someone else in mind already. Either she was trying to let you down gently, or she's keeping you in her back pocket as insurance in case new relationships don't work out. Don't text her for comfort or anything else. It's time to seek new support friends and new relationships. If you were already married to her, would you accept these conditions? You're starting over with a new city and single status. Build the life you want to live, and leave her to pursue whatever it is she's looking for. Choose to move forward.
She also said that I should help remind her if and when she texts me, because she thinks she will get too comfortable and get with me again, so I should stop her. So that makes me kind of think that she really just wants to take a chance to force herself to try other people, whatever that means, and she doesn't actually have anyone or any plans yet.
That's certainly a possibility. But without discussing it with her, you just don't know. If she does contact you, have that discussion (with direct questions) rather than just trying to guess what's going on. However, you should still use this time away from her to explore and improve your own personal life. She does not have the right to put your life on hold. Good luck!
There is absolutely no benefit for you being friends with her. That is just for her so when she’s done getting ran through she can come back. My suggestion would be to let her know not to contact you anymore. Unfortunately time is the best healer. Stay busy the next few weeks while you work through this.
>I hope you know, you are so good to me, and this is so so hard for me right now. I don't want to go. >Then, she said that she has always thought that she doesn't want to be someone who is with their first boyfriend forever, get married and commit to life. So she loves you, hugs you, kisses you and doesn't want to go but she is ok with going no contact for up to 6 months and having no issue with sleeping around so you wouldn't be the only man she had sex with? Does this make sense to you? I can't imaging being heartbroken over ending things with the person I love and then go around and have sex with multiple dudes. You are her safety net. She knows you'll be there when she gets back. She's not scared of losing you or how this would effect your relationship. Just move on, tell her that you thought about it and you wouldn't get back together after this "2, 3 or 6 month" break and you will be blocking her. Tell her good luck in finding what she wants and hope that she'll be in the future and block her number.
I get the feeling that she wants to fuck around before settling down as many girls do.
As many people do. Men do this too
Is that a common thing for girls to want enough, that they would rather give up on a good relationship they currently have to experience that?
She wants excitement, fun, and freedom. She doesn't realize that those things aren't always that great, and excitement isn't always fun. Freedom is awesome, but it gets lonely at times. Who knows, maybe her life will be all sunshine and happy times, but sometimes the going gets tough. She will learn a lot about herself, but she probably won't be back with you when she is tired of all the excitement. She wants to remain friends because it is comforting to her; you want to stay friends because?? The problem with being friends with your ex is that it will make it more difficult to find a girl that will put up with that. Cut ties, work on yourself, make friends that aren't an ex, and move on with your life.
I suppose it depends on how much the relationship means to them. I have heard opposition stories, were a girl is in a good first time relationship for years and her friends try to convince her to break up to try out different guys but shes reluctant because her relationship is so good. This could also just be a sexual thing for her, she may have run into guys who she has strong sexual attraction to and is feeling like she's missing out
The decision has been made. The only thing you can do is to move on. Just about everyone on this forum has had a similar heartbreak. I'm 55 and had several long term relationships end before I found my wife. It hurts. That pain can be almost debilitating at times. But, it will get better. Every day, every week, every month, it gets a little better. When you are up to it, put yourself out there and make yourself available for someone else. I feel confident you will one day look back on this and see that she truly wasn't right for you.
She phrased it in a way that was designed to save your feelings but she is trying to upgrade. It's probably true that she wants to bang random guys and see what she's missing but if you were the man of her dreams she'd stay. I'm pretty sure if you were Hollywood handsome and starting your rotation in cardiac surgery she wouldn't be looking for new experiences. lol Your next move is to upgrade your package (job, fitness level, diet, etc) and upgrade your girl. If she wants to come back you can tell her that her window of opportunity has closed.
Thanks for all the early comments. Yes, I see that the sentiment here is the same from everyone. What I want to add is: we met at a weird time, just after COVID during which was she caught in HS and University. She didn't make any friends in first year uni, and had one terrible hook-up which went badly. Then we met, and got together for two years. She mentioned this factor, that she felt like her teenage years was just a wash, locked in-door, meeting no one. Then we happened, such amazing things. But I was four years older, full-time job, going into master's degree... really serious about the relationship early on. So she said suddenly she just gained 4 years in age. She didn't feel her age, and she felt like she never got to experience her early 20s like many of her friends did, sure that probably includes sleeping around. She thinks that leaving can help her grow and learn more about relationships, even the one we had. She refers to the fact that I became a better person after my relationship with my ex, and she wants to do the same. It sounds silly and naive, and she's giving up "us" to try and learn this herself. I think she really does sees this as learning which she needs, and I agree she has many areas in the relationship-intelligence lacking. I don't believe that she already has another person lined-up and is just trying to soften the blow to me. She is a terrible liar, so I think I can say when she said "This is so hard for me, I don't want to go", she wasn't faking it. Also, I want to acknowledge that I cannot look over that fact that this means she think she can do better. I think if someone is truly so happy in a relationship, even their first, they wouldn't be "trying new things" by giving up what we had. So I am doing self-reflection as well, because I admit her gripes with me were legitimate. At the end, I think I just want to believe in the good in her, and us that we can just be friends. Rare and stupid, maybe, but I know others have done it with exes and led a great life as friends afterward. Or maybe, I am just naive.
My advice would be work on yourself in whatever ways you see fit. Come out of the break-up better than you went into it.
>Or maybe, I am just naive. Yep. But you'll have to learn that crushing lesson for yourself. After all, how can you *possibly* know that a hot stove will burn you unless you place both hands firmly on the searing surface for as long as you can? Because what do those warning you based on their own experiences and currently healing in the hospital burn unit know?
How should you move on? Make a clean break. Cut all contact remove from social media. She wants to go on a sex rampage because she thinks she's missed out on a lot. Don't be surprised if she contacts you later in life after Chad and Tyrone have ran through her like Gen Grant through the South in the Civil War. Don't take her back ever, she'll make your life miserable. Now Stop whining like a little b@#ch and start dating there are many of other woman out there. Get on your horse and ride Good luck brother, we all deserve to be happy.