Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well you have to leave. Or he does. Stop fretting over that reality and start making a plan. Do you own your current place or do you rent? Given that you will be the primary caregiver, it seems he should be the one to leave. Are you working? Do you have any support available through family or friends? You need shelter, you need income and you’ll need a lawyer. Get your ducks in order and focus on your daughter’s future. And your own.
We (my daughter and I) would have to leave as his name is on the contract and I can’t afford the rent on my own. My mom has said she will get me a place until I can find a job and childcare. My ducks are in order, but my feelings are stopping me. I want my daughter to have her dad in her life. The problem is I have no one to talk too, no one who has or is going through something similar. I feel alone. My mom keeps pushing me to leave and move out immediately, shes very intense and only stresses me out more
Well she’s stuck with him as her Dad. His involvement in her life will depend on him. You should accept your mother’s offer quickly and gladly. The mistake that soooo many people make in this situation is that they ignore their own unhappiness in favor of keeping a doomed relationship together. Dating profiles? Sex workers? This is someone you should not have in the same home as your daughter, let alone every other weekend. If you need to move further away from him than he might like to be closer to your Mom (and you should, you’ll need her support) then do it. Your Mom might be intense but she’s also right. How can you hold your head up high for your daughter if you allow this unhealthy dynamic to continue?
I appreciate your bluntness. I haven’t told anyone but my mom about his infidelity, so this is one of the few times that I feel validated in my feelings. He’s been gaslighting me for so long regarding his “needs” that aren’t being fulfilled by me because my lack of motivation turns him off (I am a college graduate and was in college for most of our marriage). Always turning it around and blaming me for his actions. He’s vile.
Im protecting myself from embarrassment and looks of pity. In general I am a private person that would rather suffer in silence then to be the subject of someone’s gossip
Indeed he is. You are his wife and the mother of his child and you most certainly deserve better. In the future, when he fails as a part-time father, he will also lay the blame at your feet. But by then, you’ll know better.
Let me tell you that I wish my parents had divorced sooner. My siblings and I have problems with subconsciously repeating the mistakes we think we can never allow. Our children are paying the price. Again. Multi generational trauma
Start with an attorney. They’ll help you protect yourself and your assets.
The next step is to work with a therapist, they can help you process your feelings and your past trauma.
You will not be a single mom. He will have to either share custody or provide child support.
Right now, this is a secret. Find an attorney and start making concrete plans. That will make it a lot more real to you.
You have so much time to have a beautiful, happy life, and the sooner you leave the better chance your daughter has of avoiding the mistakes and trouble you've experienced.
You life doesn't have to be hard and tumultuous. Make sure you can earn a good living, and date carefully. I promise by the time of school age, you will be in a good spot. My grandmother, my mother and myself all lost husbands to death early in their lives. I didn't live like they lived. I had enough money, and lived in a place I loved so it made all the difference. How you handle your difficulties will make all the difference.
You will find that once you’re away from the chaos that you’ll have more energy to focus on other aspects of your life such as being the best mom to your child and rebuilding your life. You don’t really appreciate that it or even realize it until you’re away from that oppressive psychological environment for a while. It’s better to leave sooner than later. You will overcome these challenges as long as you are diligent and determined.
Has someone who was in this position who stayed for way longer than I should I'm going to tell you that if you stay your child will be traumatized. My children are now grown and still in therapy from their fathers manipulations and gaslighting. I blame myself for not seeing how this affected them. I was so weak and kept falling for it until my 7 yr old was like mom can we live without dad. I left with my children the next day and are lives were way happier. Sometimes it was difficult, but the peace are small household had was so much better than the battles we left behind.
I’m a feisty 70, could write a book.
1. attorney, like yesterday. Consults are free. 2. YOUR MOMS OFFER. I cannot push that enough. Do you need an Order of Protection? For real. 3. Therapy. Not cuz you’re wrong, just to be a guidance through the darkness. It will be dark. Lastly? All the things like dates and guys; heal yourself first and make sure your child is doing well. Again, been there, done that. You’re strong than you even damn know, girl!
Every day you stay, you disrespect yourself and are conveying to your kid that how her dad treats you is how a man should treat a woman, a horrible lesson for her to learn. Love yourself, your sanity, and your daughter more than you do this shambles of a marriage. You needed to believe him and see him the first time he disrespected you and your marriage, never mind the second (and beyond) time. He’s shown you who he is, now show yourself the self respect to not stand for that kind of treatment because life is just too damned short to deal with such foolishness on his part.
You should want to be someone strong that your daughter can look up to. Right now you’re am embarrassment.
Get a backbone and show your daughter what’s acceptable and what isn’t.
Get yourself up and do better.
You know you and your daughter deserve better.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well you have to leave. Or he does. Stop fretting over that reality and start making a plan. Do you own your current place or do you rent? Given that you will be the primary caregiver, it seems he should be the one to leave. Are you working? Do you have any support available through family or friends? You need shelter, you need income and you’ll need a lawyer. Get your ducks in order and focus on your daughter’s future. And your own.
We (my daughter and I) would have to leave as his name is on the contract and I can’t afford the rent on my own. My mom has said she will get me a place until I can find a job and childcare. My ducks are in order, but my feelings are stopping me. I want my daughter to have her dad in her life. The problem is I have no one to talk too, no one who has or is going through something similar. I feel alone. My mom keeps pushing me to leave and move out immediately, shes very intense and only stresses me out more
Well she’s stuck with him as her Dad. His involvement in her life will depend on him. You should accept your mother’s offer quickly and gladly. The mistake that soooo many people make in this situation is that they ignore their own unhappiness in favor of keeping a doomed relationship together. Dating profiles? Sex workers? This is someone you should not have in the same home as your daughter, let alone every other weekend. If you need to move further away from him than he might like to be closer to your Mom (and you should, you’ll need her support) then do it. Your Mom might be intense but she’s also right. How can you hold your head up high for your daughter if you allow this unhealthy dynamic to continue?
I appreciate your bluntness. I haven’t told anyone but my mom about his infidelity, so this is one of the few times that I feel validated in my feelings. He’s been gaslighting me for so long regarding his “needs” that aren’t being fulfilled by me because my lack of motivation turns him off (I am a college graduate and was in college for most of our marriage). Always turning it around and blaming me for his actions. He’s vile.
Why are you protecting him? Tell everyone you might want to ask for support.
Im protecting myself from embarrassment and looks of pity. In general I am a private person that would rather suffer in silence then to be the subject of someone’s gossip
Indeed he is. You are his wife and the mother of his child and you most certainly deserve better. In the future, when he fails as a part-time father, he will also lay the blame at your feet. But by then, you’ll know better.
Let me tell you that I wish my parents had divorced sooner. My siblings and I have problems with subconsciously repeating the mistakes we think we can never allow. Our children are paying the price. Again. Multi generational trauma
Start with an attorney. They’ll help you protect yourself and your assets. The next step is to work with a therapist, they can help you process your feelings and your past trauma.
You will not be a single mom. He will have to either share custody or provide child support. Right now, this is a secret. Find an attorney and start making concrete plans. That will make it a lot more real to you.
You have so much time to have a beautiful, happy life, and the sooner you leave the better chance your daughter has of avoiding the mistakes and trouble you've experienced.
You life doesn't have to be hard and tumultuous. Make sure you can earn a good living, and date carefully. I promise by the time of school age, you will be in a good spot. My grandmother, my mother and myself all lost husbands to death early in their lives. I didn't live like they lived. I had enough money, and lived in a place I loved so it made all the difference. How you handle your difficulties will make all the difference.
You will find that once you’re away from the chaos that you’ll have more energy to focus on other aspects of your life such as being the best mom to your child and rebuilding your life. You don’t really appreciate that it or even realize it until you’re away from that oppressive psychological environment for a while. It’s better to leave sooner than later. You will overcome these challenges as long as you are diligent and determined.
Has someone who was in this position who stayed for way longer than I should I'm going to tell you that if you stay your child will be traumatized. My children are now grown and still in therapy from their fathers manipulations and gaslighting. I blame myself for not seeing how this affected them. I was so weak and kept falling for it until my 7 yr old was like mom can we live without dad. I left with my children the next day and are lives were way happier. Sometimes it was difficult, but the peace are small household had was so much better than the battles we left behind.
I’m a feisty 70, could write a book. 1. attorney, like yesterday. Consults are free. 2. YOUR MOMS OFFER. I cannot push that enough. Do you need an Order of Protection? For real. 3. Therapy. Not cuz you’re wrong, just to be a guidance through the darkness. It will be dark. Lastly? All the things like dates and guys; heal yourself first and make sure your child is doing well. Again, been there, done that. You’re strong than you even damn know, girl!
Every day you stay, you disrespect yourself and are conveying to your kid that how her dad treats you is how a man should treat a woman, a horrible lesson for her to learn. Love yourself, your sanity, and your daughter more than you do this shambles of a marriage. You needed to believe him and see him the first time he disrespected you and your marriage, never mind the second (and beyond) time. He’s shown you who he is, now show yourself the self respect to not stand for that kind of treatment because life is just too damned short to deal with such foolishness on his part.
You should want to be someone strong that your daughter can look up to. Right now you’re am embarrassment. Get a backbone and show your daughter what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Get yourself up and do better. You know you and your daughter deserve better.