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People love hearing people talk about shit they're passionate about: just about figuring out how to connect that passion to your target audience.
So long as you have stuff in your life you are passionate about, you'll figure out a way to convey that passion.
Still, you need stuff outside work you're passionate about. If it's a hobby, too, that helps, but ideally find some ways to get involved with a community: people aren't interested in someone who just exists for their 9 to 5.
I do try but I find people just lose interest? Like I really really enjoy alternative and indie music. But I can’t just talk someone’s ear off the whole time haha
Do you often feel like you're talking someone's ear off: asking good questions, tying the answers to your experiences, them doing the same can result in talking about nothing for hours.
Two decent conversationalists should have plenty of fuel to get through a few dates and establish some points they connect over. One decent conversationalist on their own can't do much.
Stick to coffee shop dates: if the conversation goes stale in half an hour, I'd chalk it up to bad chemistry. If you both are enjoying yourselves, it'll naturally go longer and can segue into something else.
Honestly I’m not really sure. I got to date 3 with a girl recently, thought it went really well, then she told me she didn’t feel a spark a few days later after saying she wanted a 4th.
It’s got me questioning myself a lot
Most people get out for a date because they're bored/want an excuse to get out. I've gone on plenty second dates just because it's nice to go out.
Don't overthink one potential prospect too much. They aren't interested, so figuring out what you should've done to woo them is as likely to backfire with the next person.
Focus on if you're feeling chemistry, eventually it'll be mutual. If you're always trying to be in someone else's head, you will be to preoccupied with being who they want and you'll lose sight of being yourself.
Chemistry is worthless if you're not being your authentic self.
Most dates, even those that hit the third, go nowhere. Don't get too invested until you're at the point you want to define the relationship, and don't play it cool: let them know where you're at. If you being honest about your feelings scares them off, it was a dead end already.
Why would you bother with the second do you knew you weren’t interested? Id feel like I’m leading them on tbh?
I guess I just struggle to meet women and don’t go on many dates. So missing another opportunity hurts more. And knowing they never even thought they’d want anything with me hurts even more
It sounds like you're treating dates more like job interviews. If you focus on having fun, instead of getting results, you're far more likely to both have fun AND get results.
You're applying a level of pressure to dating, that I would suspect potential partners pick up on.
If the person I've gone on a couple dates with is sabotaging potential other matches, when I haven't indicated that I'm serious about them, that's on them.
Lots of people do. For me, I told my wife that I hopped off the apps on the second date: not that I expected her to do or feel the same. Hadn't slept together or even kissed at that point, but she was hella intelligent, gorgeous, and an interesting person.
If you keep people aware of where you're at, you likely scare them off, but the ones that stick around are likely to head somewhere.
As an athlete all my adolescent life, a SWE and avid gym goer, I can relate.
This is what I’ve been working through the past year as before that I was focused primarily on school.
For me, I’ve found golf to be the one sport I can continue playing post high school/IM in college. I’ve signed up and taken a lot of classes from pottery to cooking to dancing (Texan now so that’s a must do).
I travel a lot. I work 4 day weeks and do at least one weekend getaway a month.
You don’t have to be good at anything. At least I’m certainly not. You just have to be interested in stuff and have interesting talking points.
I’ve taken girls to pottery workshops and dance lessons. And from my experience, I’d actually argue being not very good makes for a more fun date! It’s funny when we’re working on the wheel and the clay goes everywhere. It’s fun when we’re dancing and have no clue what we’re doing.
Women don’t need you to be a pro, they want someone with interesting hobbies they can potentially partake in, and they’ll most likely suck at it too since we’re all just amateurs. And it’s fun sucking at stuff together!
Nah… I know what league I’m in and she knows what league she’s in too😂
If she’s capable of landing Patrick Mahomes or Ryan gosling, props to her, but she definitely wouldn’t be out on a date with me lmao
Sorry to break it to you boss, but that ship has long sailed. You can’t land someone who’s seeking an A list celebrity.
And 99% of girls can’t land nor are seeking an A lister either. Yet, they’re still beautiful women with probably a whole lot more personality and character behind them than those who are seeking that fame/wealth/attention.
Your perception of what a good partner in life is all out of whack. There are plenty of beautiful, funny, smart, caring, kind girls who just want a guy to take them on fun dates and can make enough to provide a little house to raise some kids and dogs in.
That’s not settling.
Majority of the people in your life will remember you by the memories you create with them. Not by your successes. “Successful” people often times have shit relationships cause they’re not focused on creating those memories.
Some girls like that but you need to decide what type of girl you want.
Most girls aren’t going to remember me for being a masterful golfer. They’ll remember me by the times they rode shotgun in the golf cart, laughing and shooting the shit.
I’m content making enough to live pretty much worry free of finances, having a hoot of a time living life, and spending time with those who adore me. That’s all I need and all I want.
If you want to make something of yourself and be remembered that way then you ain’t got time to date until you’re there. The elites who we remember without having any interactions with have sacrificed large portions of their life for it.
Honeslty I think it’s a confidence thing. I’ve been this way my whole life. growing up I was extremely shy. Couldn’t even talk to people. I still have pretty strong social anxiety. My only way to stop that was by being good at something. That’s when sports came and people knew me but that.
Without that… I don’t have much. I don’t feel confident in my ability to chat. I don’t think I’m that good looking. I’m not sure where to get confidence from anymore. And people can tell. Especially women
Then put your efforts into that rather than attracting women?
It’s seems like your problem is you want to attract women in a way as if you’re a person you aren’t? Which you can’t be unless you’re that person, obviously.
And if you aren’t prepared to be that person, then you need to adjust your perception of other people and stop seeing their more humble dispositions as “settling” for yourself, based upon a notion that you “could have been/might be a big deal”. Unless you’re actually in that position, it’s not settling. You’re an average Joe, they’re an average Jane.
So decision time. Either make peace with average land or if you cannot, abandon dates and focus on getting that exceptionalism back.
And at 27, it isn’t “too late” to do that. Not if you really want it for yourself. Sure, you may never make the whole “world renowned athlete” stage any more, but that is no reason to just not bother at all. That’s a very absolute way of looking at things.
Consider: most people don’t even maintain an active gym membership long term. Doing that and playing sports at an above average level, or perhaps even competitively (even if it’s not global) puts you above average even if you don’t believe it’s true.
I did abandon dates and focus on exceptionalism for a long time. I got pretty close. Realised I’d never make it that far and no longer knew what I could even be exceptional at. So I went back to dating and now I do attract girls like that but I’m not a professional athlete or anything so they don’t continue dating me.
I very rarely date tbh. Usually only if it’s coz it’s someone I’m really interested in. And often they end up rejecting me
Then you need to change where you’re finding these girls if all they’re interested in is accolades. And if they’re not only interested in accolades but you’re striking out, you may need to revisit your approach.
Why the unrealistic expectations of yourself?
Your life is for your enjoyment and not for proving to others you are worth. I have been there too, totally worth to drop it
Because I can’t quite let it go. My whole life I worked hard, gymmed hard, with the hopes that maybe I could make myself into something better.
Accepting it feels a bit like giving up
I really know the feeling, truly.
I dont want to give you the wrong advice so what I would really suggest and I know it is viewed as "cliche" but seeing a therapist to figure it out what you can do and why you feel this way wouuld be very good for yourself. Therapists are not only for when people are struggling with mental illness but to discover about yourself and adapt to have a more happy and fulfilling life. I did it and I feel so much more in peace with myself nowadays. I had a lot of unrealistic expectations of myself and viewed myself as low worth because I couldnt fulfill them.
Good luck brother
Dude, you need to reset your standards.
You have a job. You are (presumably) not an alcoholic or an addict. You are reasonably fit. You don't have any kids. Those facts alone make you highly desirable to a large segment of women.
But not the top tier of women. If you get what I mean.
I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in. Make good money. I’m not an addict. But I still feel I can do and want more. I just feel like I’ve plateaued
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
People love hearing people talk about shit they're passionate about: just about figuring out how to connect that passion to your target audience. So long as you have stuff in your life you are passionate about, you'll figure out a way to convey that passion. Still, you need stuff outside work you're passionate about. If it's a hobby, too, that helps, but ideally find some ways to get involved with a community: people aren't interested in someone who just exists for their 9 to 5.
I do try but I find people just lose interest? Like I really really enjoy alternative and indie music. But I can’t just talk someone’s ear off the whole time haha
Do you often feel like you're talking someone's ear off: asking good questions, tying the answers to your experiences, them doing the same can result in talking about nothing for hours. Two decent conversationalists should have plenty of fuel to get through a few dates and establish some points they connect over. One decent conversationalist on their own can't do much. Stick to coffee shop dates: if the conversation goes stale in half an hour, I'd chalk it up to bad chemistry. If you both are enjoying yourselves, it'll naturally go longer and can segue into something else.
Honestly I’m not really sure. I got to date 3 with a girl recently, thought it went really well, then she told me she didn’t feel a spark a few days later after saying she wanted a 4th. It’s got me questioning myself a lot
Most people get out for a date because they're bored/want an excuse to get out. I've gone on plenty second dates just because it's nice to go out. Don't overthink one potential prospect too much. They aren't interested, so figuring out what you should've done to woo them is as likely to backfire with the next person. Focus on if you're feeling chemistry, eventually it'll be mutual. If you're always trying to be in someone else's head, you will be to preoccupied with being who they want and you'll lose sight of being yourself. Chemistry is worthless if you're not being your authentic self. Most dates, even those that hit the third, go nowhere. Don't get too invested until you're at the point you want to define the relationship, and don't play it cool: let them know where you're at. If you being honest about your feelings scares them off, it was a dead end already.
Why would you bother with the second do you knew you weren’t interested? Id feel like I’m leading them on tbh? I guess I just struggle to meet women and don’t go on many dates. So missing another opportunity hurts more. And knowing they never even thought they’d want anything with me hurts even more
It sounds like you're treating dates more like job interviews. If you focus on having fun, instead of getting results, you're far more likely to both have fun AND get results. You're applying a level of pressure to dating, that I would suspect potential partners pick up on. If the person I've gone on a couple dates with is sabotaging potential other matches, when I haven't indicated that I'm serious about them, that's on them.
I guess so yeah. It’s just for me once sex gets involved I can really struggle not to get attached
Lots of people do. For me, I told my wife that I hopped off the apps on the second date: not that I expected her to do or feel the same. Hadn't slept together or even kissed at that point, but she was hella intelligent, gorgeous, and an interesting person. If you keep people aware of where you're at, you likely scare them off, but the ones that stick around are likely to head somewhere.
As an athlete all my adolescent life, a SWE and avid gym goer, I can relate. This is what I’ve been working through the past year as before that I was focused primarily on school. For me, I’ve found golf to be the one sport I can continue playing post high school/IM in college. I’ve signed up and taken a lot of classes from pottery to cooking to dancing (Texan now so that’s a must do). I travel a lot. I work 4 day weeks and do at least one weekend getaway a month. You don’t have to be good at anything. At least I’m certainly not. You just have to be interested in stuff and have interesting talking points. I’ve taken girls to pottery workshops and dance lessons. And from my experience, I’d actually argue being not very good makes for a more fun date! It’s funny when we’re working on the wheel and the clay goes everywhere. It’s fun when we’re dancing and have no clue what we’re doing. Women don’t need you to be a pro, they want someone with interesting hobbies they can potentially partake in, and they’ll most likely suck at it too since we’re all just amateurs. And it’s fun sucking at stuff together!
Do you not kinda feel though that the girl you’re on a date with would much rather be on a date with Patrick mahomes or Ryan gosling? 😂
Nah… I know what league I’m in and she knows what league she’s in too😂 If she’s capable of landing Patrick Mahomes or Ryan gosling, props to her, but she definitely wouldn’t be out on a date with me lmao
Well that’s the thing. I don’t wanna settle for something I still feel I can achieve
Sorry to break it to you boss, but that ship has long sailed. You can’t land someone who’s seeking an A list celebrity. And 99% of girls can’t land nor are seeking an A lister either. Yet, they’re still beautiful women with probably a whole lot more personality and character behind them than those who are seeking that fame/wealth/attention. Your perception of what a good partner in life is all out of whack. There are plenty of beautiful, funny, smart, caring, kind girls who just want a guy to take them on fun dates and can make enough to provide a little house to raise some kids and dogs in. That’s not settling.
It’s not really the girl thing. It’s more me. I wanted to make something of myself that people would remember
Majority of the people in your life will remember you by the memories you create with them. Not by your successes. “Successful” people often times have shit relationships cause they’re not focused on creating those memories. Some girls like that but you need to decide what type of girl you want. Most girls aren’t going to remember me for being a masterful golfer. They’ll remember me by the times they rode shotgun in the golf cart, laughing and shooting the shit. I’m content making enough to live pretty much worry free of finances, having a hoot of a time living life, and spending time with those who adore me. That’s all I need and all I want. If you want to make something of yourself and be remembered that way then you ain’t got time to date until you’re there. The elites who we remember without having any interactions with have sacrificed large portions of their life for it.
Honeslty I think it’s a confidence thing. I’ve been this way my whole life. growing up I was extremely shy. Couldn’t even talk to people. I still have pretty strong social anxiety. My only way to stop that was by being good at something. That’s when sports came and people knew me but that. Without that… I don’t have much. I don’t feel confident in my ability to chat. I don’t think I’m that good looking. I’m not sure where to get confidence from anymore. And people can tell. Especially women
Then put your efforts into that rather than attracting women? It’s seems like your problem is you want to attract women in a way as if you’re a person you aren’t? Which you can’t be unless you’re that person, obviously. And if you aren’t prepared to be that person, then you need to adjust your perception of other people and stop seeing their more humble dispositions as “settling” for yourself, based upon a notion that you “could have been/might be a big deal”. Unless you’re actually in that position, it’s not settling. You’re an average Joe, they’re an average Jane. So decision time. Either make peace with average land or if you cannot, abandon dates and focus on getting that exceptionalism back. And at 27, it isn’t “too late” to do that. Not if you really want it for yourself. Sure, you may never make the whole “world renowned athlete” stage any more, but that is no reason to just not bother at all. That’s a very absolute way of looking at things. Consider: most people don’t even maintain an active gym membership long term. Doing that and playing sports at an above average level, or perhaps even competitively (even if it’s not global) puts you above average even if you don’t believe it’s true.
I did abandon dates and focus on exceptionalism for a long time. I got pretty close. Realised I’d never make it that far and no longer knew what I could even be exceptional at. So I went back to dating and now I do attract girls like that but I’m not a professional athlete or anything so they don’t continue dating me. I very rarely date tbh. Usually only if it’s coz it’s someone I’m really interested in. And often they end up rejecting me
Then you need to change where you’re finding these girls if all they’re interested in is accolades. And if they’re not only interested in accolades but you’re striking out, you may need to revisit your approach.
Honestly it may be my insecurity and think that they don’t want to be with me coz of my lack of status. No one’s ever actually said it that way
Why the unrealistic expectations of yourself? Your life is for your enjoyment and not for proving to others you are worth. I have been there too, totally worth to drop it
Because I don’t want to be just another average Joe I guess
Why dont you go back to doing your sports and music then?
I’m 27. I’d never make it
Then you realize there is a unrealistic expectation that you know you cant fulfill right? So why torture yourself because you are not Ryan Gosling?
Because I can’t quite let it go. My whole life I worked hard, gymmed hard, with the hopes that maybe I could make myself into something better. Accepting it feels a bit like giving up
I really know the feeling, truly. I dont want to give you the wrong advice so what I would really suggest and I know it is viewed as "cliche" but seeing a therapist to figure it out what you can do and why you feel this way wouuld be very good for yourself. Therapists are not only for when people are struggling with mental illness but to discover about yourself and adapt to have a more happy and fulfilling life. I did it and I feel so much more in peace with myself nowadays. I had a lot of unrealistic expectations of myself and viewed myself as low worth because I couldnt fulfill them. Good luck brother
You need to work on yourself before you try and attract a girl my brother
Dude, you need to reset your standards. You have a job. You are (presumably) not an alcoholic or an addict. You are reasonably fit. You don't have any kids. Those facts alone make you highly desirable to a large segment of women.
But not the top tier of women. If you get what I mean. I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in. Make good money. I’m not an addict. But I still feel I can do and want more. I just feel like I’ve plateaued