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Yeah you tell him to back off and stop taking YOUR money
That is your money, just because he wants to pay using his card doesn’t mean he can take your cash for himself
He’s taking advantage of you because he knows you’re scared of conflict. Stop letting him walk over you and take advantage of you. Stand up for yourself and have that fight.
I get where you're coming from, and honestly, I have been avoiding this because I hate conflict. He generally gets defensive and avoidant about issues, which just makes them worse.
A good relationship is one where you feel safe and can have these discussions in a civil manner. That he knows exactly how to ensure you give up and let him keep taking advantage of you is a red flag. You should be able to bring up your concerns and discuss issues with him. He’s selfish and immature.
🚩🚩🚩
And you want to keep ignoring this? You can't be so afraid of conflict and still be in a relationship. Relationships require communication, and sometimes that includes conflicts and disagreements. Work on your issues.
So potentially it could easily get up to a thousand or more a year, multiple thousands before this relationship runs its course. That’s more than you would spend on gifts even if you were very generous. Here’s what I’d do if you don’t want to confront him. Go cashless as a financial literacy choice. Make up a reason or do a google search and find one. For example you could say that having cash makes you more likely to buy lottery tickets (you rationalize that it’s just a couple bucks , it doesn’t seem as “real” as pulling out a credit card-and you’d probably buy even more if you did use a credit card so you can control yourself on that). It’s just bizarre enough that he’d totally believe you and then you just Venmo him your share when you’re out. Obviously that isn’t the best excuse because it’s so personal and paints you as a potential gambling addict, but you see what I mean about not raising his suspicions that you’re upset with him.
Your relationship is unhealthy; your bf sounds toxic and not open to hearing you out, **let alone willing to change anything about himself.**
This behavior will only continue if you stay.
This is exactly why you NEED to have a convo, and start facing some things. If you're scared to bring up this, then what kind of future do you guys think you hold? I would just bring it up, and say look this is bothering me, can we start to change it possibly? If he kicks up a stink, just stop doing the cash thing all together.
Or just make sure you ALWAYS have enough different bills to cover the exact amount. If he makes more money than you and is truly genuinely well off, then this is weird. So either gotta speak up or change the way you pay?
Honestly, you should not *have* to have this discussion because a decent person would not pocket your change. It's embarrassing and pathetic.
You're only 23 so my guess is that you're not rolling in cash - he's not keeping a dollar or two (even that should be handed back) but arger amounts which add up over time.
If you don't speak up, you just get taken advantage of...so when dealing with people with no shame, you have to toughen up and speak your mind...IF he takes issue with it instead of being apologetic...then that's a win because you'll know it's time to break up.
If your relationship were healthy, you wouldn't be afraid to discuss things with him. So what if he gets defensive? What else do you think he might do to you?
There is nothing healthy about this relationship. "This issue" includes many facets of abuse! OP - talk to your parents and/or a therapist. You don't know what you don't know.
It’s a red flag that you can’t communicate with your long term bf because you are afraid of a fight. Something clearly changed recently. Drugs? Gambling? But you should be able to have tough talks with your partner. UPDATEME
That in itself is a red flag. Why would it lead to a fight? A decent guy would say oops I’m so sorry, how much do I owe you and then take steps to make sure it didn’t happen again.
This guy is a jerk
Whenever I bring up issues like this he becomes defensive and acts like I’m making a big deal over nothing. Like we recently went on a road trip and he made me use my dad’s card to pay for all the gas since he forgot his gas card. He said he’d pay him back but when I asked he said my dad doesn’t need the money.
Your response should've been, "Pay me back, or we're over." Stop letting him walk all over you. He's not only taking from you, but your family, and you're letting him. You're disrespecting your dad by letting your crap boyfriend take his money like that.
He is ripping you off - over and over again - intentionally - and you let him. And then he doubles down and steals from your Dad! How about telling Dad what's going on, I'm SURE he will have some choice words for this loser.
He is stealing from you.
A simple way to check if he is doing it on purpose (except we already know he is) is to give him less cash - take the extra you gave him last time off the current bill, and tell him you were in credit.
E.g. you gave him $200 for a $175 bill. This time, the bill is $175. You give him $150, and tell him he already got the other $25.
Watch him lose his mind.
If you are scared of a fight with him, ask yourself if you are prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life. I wouldn't be.
This IS definitely a red flag. And if he needs your cash because he's using credit cards to pay bills, I don't know if I would call it a red flag, but financially irresponsible for sure.
Next time, ask the cashier to break up the larger bills and then pay your bf exactly what is owed. If he asks why you're getting change, tell him why! Use your words.
"I noticed that whenever I give you more than the bill you keep the extra cash." That's it.
Love this!
My partner and I have a similar arrangement to OP because I like using cards for reward points and they always have cash. But, I would never overcharge them!
OP should try to get her change and if he is bothered by this it's unacceptable.
Short change him next time.
If he asks, just say "Oh well last time I gave you $200 to cover $175. So this time I'm giving you $150 so it balances out. That's okay, right?"
If he starts shit after that, then you definitely have a problem, and you didn't start it by confronting him. Yeah it's a roundabout way. I definitely recommend what others are saying and just sit him down and have a chat. But if you're that worried about it, this is a perfectly reasonable approach to 1) make your point, and 2) make it clear you've recognized the disparity. If he goes off on a tangent about you nickel and diming him, or not being a fair partner, then that's just additional red flags running up his (metaphorically small) flagpole.
He sounds like a selfish prick. I’d think long and hard about this guy—I’m positive money isn’t the only thing he’s taking advantage of in your relationship.
I've always found just being blunt about it the best option. Just ask him why he keeps taking the change. Is he struggling financially? Partnerships should be equal and it's not fair of him to do that repeatedly without an explanation
I don’t believe he is struggling financially. He just bought a new BMW and is constantly buying new things. He has a good job and earns considerably more than me.
Mmmmmm. Idk. If this is a change in behavior I would wonder if he’s spending more than he earns. Just because he has nice things doesn’t mean he has money. If he’s using his card all the time he may have a lot of debt. Also, wanting to keep that much cash seems a little sus, especially if he didn’t do that before. Could he have a gambling problem? Is there some purchase he’s trying to hide? I also think it’s weird that he just laughed it off when you asked for your change. We’re not talking about coins, your example was $25. That adds up quick.
I was a piggy bank for a guy who bought a new fancy car too. It's not that they cannot afford it. It's just that they don't give a fuck about us and don't mind using us.
Date a guy who wants to treat you to something nice and not to rob you.
I guess we know where that $500 in total that he’s stolen from you went.
Girl, you are not a fucking ATM. Start paying for your shit with a card or exact change, yourself and put him on notice that he will not be taking any more money from you.
If he has a problem with that then you need to end this relationship. This isn’t healthy for you mentally or financially.
He probably wants the points on his credit card and likes keeping the cash. I would just carry lots of smaller bills so you leave no cash on the table. Plus he’s an ass.
I’m in graduate school on a stipend so he makes 3x what I make, which makes joint finances tough. He also comes from a more well off family than mine so I’ve always been a bit insecure discussing money directly.
Super weird he’s just taking money from you. Don’t let him take advantage of you like that. He might not be even aware that he is doing it. Just pockets the cash without adding it up and assumes you are giving him a near exact ammount.
I would possibly try once to approach it subtly next time. ‘Thanks but then you’ll have to go to the trouble of - transfering me $25. (OR) breaking the notes up so I still have $25 in cash when I need it.’ It will open the conversation but if he still tries to keep the change, you’ll have to be straight up that you’d like to pay for things yourself as you’d like your change, then offer to head past an ATM on the way home so that he can get some cash out.
I appreciate your suggestion. It's frustrating because I've tried asking for the change before, and he laughs it off. He tends to also brush off important discussions about our future.
That does sound concerning then. He should respect you enough to hear you and to give you your change. Consider how if this is his current behaviour, how will that play out longterm when some really important issues come up.
I wouldn't like that all.....what in the hell is that???He laughs it off plus he tends too brush off important discussions about your future???Are you sure about this guy??? Doesn't seem to care too much about your feelings.
He could be having money issues. The other person said points, but I would be more concerned he is using credit for money he does not have and keeping your cash because he has none.
I say a red flag since it’s one, different than what your use to and two, he’s keeping your money/change.
Don’t let him use units card to pay if you’re paying, or if he really wants to ask the person you’re paying for change so you can give your boyfriend the exact amount.
Have you even said something those few times? Maybe he just forgets about it. Until you don't communicate this to him you won't know if he just thinks it doesn't matter or he's taking advantage of you. And if you tell him to give it back he doesn't have anything to get mad about, it's your money. It's this or keep "avoiding conflict" and let him rip you off, no one is gonna fight this "battle" for you.
He does WHAT? He steals from you every time and you don't know whether that's a bad thing? Add up how much it's been, more or less, and tackle him about it. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Just tell him? "_Hey, are you short on cash or something? You keep pocketing my change whenever I pay and it's becoming a bit obvious you're either supporting a secret drug-habit or you struggling._"
It is about the money itself. When he says I want the cash for myself say you owe me $____. Or hand the money to the server who will then return the change to you. This could be a red flag as far as his handling finances is concerned. If this doesn’t change things it’s time for an honest discussion. Tell him you are uncomfortable with his way of handling things and that he is appropriating your money.
Nooo---He should give you the difference back and not pocket the money. I would say to him the next time he does that===Can I have my money? If he is going to keep doing that why in the hell shouldn't you ask for what's yours? I see that as sponging off of you and I wouldn't like that at all. Red flag.
He paid with his card, but you are still out $200. Not just $25. Why would you not have put $100 on the table to split in your example in the first place? Then he can keep cash or whatever he wants for his portion. There is a lot of math not mathing.
Yeah that's called stealing. Pocketing the change is when my dad paid with cash and gave me the coins because he didn't want to keep them in his wallet. He is basically stealing that 25. If you told him " hey there's still 25 you owe me back from that" and he didn't give it to you I would be harsher.
From your retelling I suspect he knows what he is doing and this isn't the case, but, some people can get confused about money sometimes, be it from ADHD, autism, or they are just bad at math in their head. For some people they don't do the math after the initial offer. (So he got 200 bill from you, he paid with the card, he thinks he got charged 200 on his card because you were paying with 200 bill. ) As stupid as it may sound that has happened to me a few times 😂 and if the other person didn't speak up I might not have stopped and thougt.
So yes,.some people will look like they are trying to steal when they are just bad at mental math, but if you did or do speak up and he gets defensive or argues with you then he is doing it deliberately.
Eta:
u/Dear-Glove-52, I've read your comments. Your boyfriend the thief is also an asshole. You need to find your self-respect and break up. Venmo him the amount he owes you and your dad. And by the way, nobody can "make you" use your (or your dad's!) card.
>For example, if the total bill is $175, I’ll take out $200 in cash to cover it.
You need to speak up in the moment.
Either start saying, "I'll need the rest back", take out $160 the next few times since he owes you, or stop paying in cash. If he needs cash *he* can go to the ATM.
Can you just say something like. Do you want to pay with your card? And then say something like I will give you $150 since you still owe me the $25 change from last time with xxx. And if he balks about it, then a red flag.
It may be a habit. Have you asked him??
I've always done this since I was a kid, but it's usually a few pence, not 25$. My partner smiles and says, "Didn't I have change?" Then I give it to him.. most of the time.
Just start sending him the bill on venmo 😂 he'll get the not so subtle hint.
In all seriousness though, I'd just have a chat. Don't make accusations, just state the facts (what was observable/what actually happened) and how it impacted you or made you feel. For all we know this is absent minded behavior, or perhaps he feels entitled for some reason. You just won't know until you talk to him.
If your boyfriend comes from money, has nice things, and spends, $25 is nothing to him and he probably assumes you feel the same way. It's probably overlooked, not ill intentioned. If you feel this badly over that amount of money and the difference in income, you can stop offering to pay altogether and see what happens.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah you tell him to back off and stop taking YOUR money That is your money, just because he wants to pay using his card doesn’t mean he can take your cash for himself
He’s prob getting credit card points/ cash back for paying by card. So he’s actually making more than the $25 off of her!
I'm torn because he does contribute financially as well. I'm hesitant to confront him about this because I’m afraid it’ll lead to a fight.
So you’d rather not say anything and let him keep taking your cash and letting it build up until it does turn into a fight?
He’s taking advantage of you because he knows you’re scared of conflict. Stop letting him walk over you and take advantage of you. Stand up for yourself and have that fight.
I get where you're coming from, and honestly, I have been avoiding this because I hate conflict. He generally gets defensive and avoidant about issues, which just makes them worse.
A good relationship is one where you feel safe and can have these discussions in a civil manner. That he knows exactly how to ensure you give up and let him keep taking advantage of you is a red flag. You should be able to bring up your concerns and discuss issues with him. He’s selfish and immature. 🚩🚩🚩
About how much has he kept so far? Has he ever loaned you money that you haven’t paid back..
I went back and added up all the times this has happened in the past few months. We’ve gone on a couple of trips so it added up to about $500.
And you want to keep ignoring this? You can't be so afraid of conflict and still be in a relationship. Relationships require communication, and sometimes that includes conflicts and disagreements. Work on your issues.
So potentially it could easily get up to a thousand or more a year, multiple thousands before this relationship runs its course. That’s more than you would spend on gifts even if you were very generous. Here’s what I’d do if you don’t want to confront him. Go cashless as a financial literacy choice. Make up a reason or do a google search and find one. For example you could say that having cash makes you more likely to buy lottery tickets (you rationalize that it’s just a couple bucks , it doesn’t seem as “real” as pulling out a credit card-and you’d probably buy even more if you did use a credit card so you can control yourself on that). It’s just bizarre enough that he’d totally believe you and then you just Venmo him your share when you’re out. Obviously that isn’t the best excuse because it’s so personal and paints you as a potential gambling addict, but you see what I mean about not raising his suspicions that you’re upset with him.
You need therapy, this is super unhealthy
So you’re dating a gaslighting shit bag?
Your relationship is unhealthy; your bf sounds toxic and not open to hearing you out, **let alone willing to change anything about himself.** This behavior will only continue if you stay.
This is exactly why you NEED to have a convo, and start facing some things. If you're scared to bring up this, then what kind of future do you guys think you hold? I would just bring it up, and say look this is bothering me, can we start to change it possibly? If he kicks up a stink, just stop doing the cash thing all together. Or just make sure you ALWAYS have enough different bills to cover the exact amount. If he makes more money than you and is truly genuinely well off, then this is weird. So either gotta speak up or change the way you pay?
Honestly, you should not *have* to have this discussion because a decent person would not pocket your change. It's embarrassing and pathetic. You're only 23 so my guess is that you're not rolling in cash - he's not keeping a dollar or two (even that should be handed back) but arger amounts which add up over time. If you don't speak up, you just get taken advantage of...so when dealing with people with no shame, you have to toughen up and speak your mind...IF he takes issue with it instead of being apologetic...then that's a win because you'll know it's time to break up.
Ok so why did you post here if you are just going to reject the advice being given that happens to be virtually unanimous?
You must be an abused partner if you’re scared that him stealing your money will lead to a fight.
I don’t think I’m an abused partner. We have an overall very healthy relationship besides this issue.
If your relationship were healthy, you wouldn't be afraid to discuss things with him. So what if he gets defensive? What else do you think he might do to you?
No he juiced you out of 500 in just a few months & has trained you to not argue with him. This is nowhere near healthy
There is nothing healthy about this relationship. "This issue" includes many facets of abuse! OP - talk to your parents and/or a therapist. You don't know what you don't know.
It’s a red flag that you can’t communicate with your long term bf because you are afraid of a fight. Something clearly changed recently. Drugs? Gambling? But you should be able to have tough talks with your partner. UPDATEME
That in itself is a red flag. Why would it lead to a fight? A decent guy would say oops I’m so sorry, how much do I owe you and then take steps to make sure it didn’t happen again. This guy is a jerk
Whenever I bring up issues like this he becomes defensive and acts like I’m making a big deal over nothing. Like we recently went on a road trip and he made me use my dad’s card to pay for all the gas since he forgot his gas card. He said he’d pay him back but when I asked he said my dad doesn’t need the money.
That’s not for him to decide. Why is he putting you in these awkward situations of having to beg him for money that he took?
Your response should've been, "Pay me back, or we're over." Stop letting him walk all over you. He's not only taking from you, but your family, and you're letting him. You're disrespecting your dad by letting your crap boyfriend take his money like that.
He is ripping you off - over and over again - intentionally - and you let him. And then he doubles down and steals from your Dad! How about telling Dad what's going on, I'm SURE he will have some choice words for this loser.
This is inexcusable. Breakup worthy. Your boyfriend is an asshole.
You’re afraid to ask him to literally *stop taking your cash* because it will lead to a fight? This is such a bad sign.
He is stealing from you. A simple way to check if he is doing it on purpose (except we already know he is) is to give him less cash - take the extra you gave him last time off the current bill, and tell him you were in credit. E.g. you gave him $200 for a $175 bill. This time, the bill is $175. You give him $150, and tell him he already got the other $25. Watch him lose his mind. If you are scared of a fight with him, ask yourself if you are prepared to put up with this for the rest of your life. I wouldn't be.
He is literally robbing you. He knows exactly what he is doing. And you're worried if you tell him to give you YOUR money it will lead to a fight???
Then you're too immature to be in a relationship.
Just say can I get my change back please and if that causes a fight then you’ve got bigger problems to address.
This IS definitely a red flag. And if he needs your cash because he's using credit cards to pay bills, I don't know if I would call it a red flag, but financially irresponsible for sure.
Next time, ask the cashier to break up the larger bills and then pay your bf exactly what is owed. If he asks why you're getting change, tell him why! Use your words. "I noticed that whenever I give you more than the bill you keep the extra cash." That's it.
Love this! My partner and I have a similar arrangement to OP because I like using cards for reward points and they always have cash. But, I would never overcharge them! OP should try to get her change and if he is bothered by this it's unacceptable.
This should have happened the FIRST time he kept the change - this never should have happened twice.
Why even do this? If somebody makes you do this you should just break up with them.
Short change him next time. If he asks, just say "Oh well last time I gave you $200 to cover $175. So this time I'm giving you $150 so it balances out. That's okay, right?" If he starts shit after that, then you definitely have a problem, and you didn't start it by confronting him. Yeah it's a roundabout way. I definitely recommend what others are saying and just sit him down and have a chat. But if you're that worried about it, this is a perfectly reasonable approach to 1) make your point, and 2) make it clear you've recognized the disparity. If he goes off on a tangent about you nickel and diming him, or not being a fair partner, then that's just additional red flags running up his (metaphorically small) flagpole.
Is it a red flag that your boyfriend is stealing from you??? ... Yes.
Ask him to Venmo you the difference.
I did ask him to send me the difference but he laughed it off and pretended like it was joke.
He sounds like a selfish prick. I’d think long and hard about this guy—I’m positive money isn’t the only thing he’s taking advantage of in your relationship.
Then it’s intentional. Tell him no you’ll pay cash and you can stop at the atm to get cash
Ok so this isn't a mistake, he is intentionally stealing from you.
yeah that’s your 2nd flag
I've always found just being blunt about it the best option. Just ask him why he keeps taking the change. Is he struggling financially? Partnerships should be equal and it's not fair of him to do that repeatedly without an explanation
I don’t believe he is struggling financially. He just bought a new BMW and is constantly buying new things. He has a good job and earns considerably more than me.
BMW and new purchases. Maybe he is living beyond his means? Maybe he’s lost interest in you?
Mmmmmm. Idk. If this is a change in behavior I would wonder if he’s spending more than he earns. Just because he has nice things doesn’t mean he has money. If he’s using his card all the time he may have a lot of debt. Also, wanting to keep that much cash seems a little sus, especially if he didn’t do that before. Could he have a gambling problem? Is there some purchase he’s trying to hide? I also think it’s weird that he just laughed it off when you asked for your change. We’re not talking about coins, your example was $25. That adds up quick.
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Lol what dude?
I was a piggy bank for a guy who bought a new fancy car too. It's not that they cannot afford it. It's just that they don't give a fuck about us and don't mind using us. Date a guy who wants to treat you to something nice and not to rob you.
I guess we know where that $500 in total that he’s stolen from you went. Girl, you are not a fucking ATM. Start paying for your shit with a card or exact change, yourself and put him on notice that he will not be taking any more money from you. If he has a problem with that then you need to end this relationship. This isn’t healthy for you mentally or financially.
I’ve heard that men who don’t pay their share of bills generally are just saving the extra money to spend on a different woman.
Even worse then. It shows a lack of consideration for you.
Uhhh- Don’t assume that bc he’s buying things on credit he can truely afford them…
He might not even be aware he's doing it then. Just asking him why is the best option in my opinion
Uhm wtf. Yes, of course it is. Is he needing the cash for drugs or something?
Just start asking for it. " Have you got my change from that money I gave you the other day? I need the cash for something I'm getting." Keep asking.
He probably wants the points on his credit card and likes keeping the cash. I would just carry lots of smaller bills so you leave no cash on the table. Plus he’s an ass.
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If he’s struggling financially, he doesn’t need to go out to eat. He should suggest they eat in or cook together. Broke ass.
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I’m in graduate school on a stipend so he makes 3x what I make, which makes joint finances tough. He also comes from a more well off family than mine so I’ve always been a bit insecure discussing money directly.
The simple solution is for you to stop putting cash on the table, or carry the exact amount.
Or just break up with the thief. If you have to resort to these measures, the relationship is over.
Especially when Op says she’s afraid discussing it will just lead to a fight.
We have been getting really serious discussing engagement. Our relationship is great otherwise and I’m not sure this is enough to warrant leaving,
When you're afraid of bringing up issues because he gets angry and defensive it's not a great relationship.
“Great otherwise “? He’s stealing from you and your dad! Completely ignores you when you ask for your money back. Wake up.
Get over that.
Super weird he’s just taking money from you. Don’t let him take advantage of you like that. He might not be even aware that he is doing it. Just pockets the cash without adding it up and assumes you are giving him a near exact ammount.
When it’s something like that say oh here’s $160. I’ll Venmo, Apple Pay or Zelle you the rest. Don’t give more cash give less
It’s a red flag but that means you should talk to him about it and see what his response is
I would possibly try once to approach it subtly next time. ‘Thanks but then you’ll have to go to the trouble of - transfering me $25. (OR) breaking the notes up so I still have $25 in cash when I need it.’ It will open the conversation but if he still tries to keep the change, you’ll have to be straight up that you’d like to pay for things yourself as you’d like your change, then offer to head past an ATM on the way home so that he can get some cash out.
I appreciate your suggestion. It's frustrating because I've tried asking for the change before, and he laughs it off. He tends to also brush off important discussions about our future.
That does sound concerning then. He should respect you enough to hear you and to give you your change. Consider how if this is his current behaviour, how will that play out longterm when some really important issues come up.
Yeah, you definitely should not be in a relationship
🚩🚩🚩🚩 Whats going to happen when you need to compromise on big issues?
I wouldn't like that all.....what in the hell is that???He laughs it off plus he tends too brush off important discussions about your future???Are you sure about this guy??? Doesn't seem to care too much about your feelings.
He could be having money issues. The other person said points, but I would be more concerned he is using credit for money he does not have and keeping your cash because he has none. I say a red flag since it’s one, different than what your use to and two, he’s keeping your money/change. Don’t let him use units card to pay if you’re paying, or if he really wants to ask the person you’re paying for change so you can give your boyfriend the exact amount.
Have you even said something those few times? Maybe he just forgets about it. Until you don't communicate this to him you won't know if he just thinks it doesn't matter or he's taking advantage of you. And if you tell him to give it back he doesn't have anything to get mad about, it's your money. It's this or keep "avoiding conflict" and let him rip you off, no one is gonna fight this "battle" for you.
Yes ,that's a problem . You should pay with a credit card
He does WHAT? He steals from you every time and you don't know whether that's a bad thing? Add up how much it's been, more or less, and tackle him about it. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Just tell him? "_Hey, are you short on cash or something? You keep pocketing my change whenever I pay and it's becoming a bit obvious you're either supporting a secret drug-habit or you struggling._"
Tell him hey you forgot to give me my change back. Can I have it please? And then gauge his reaction
This is known as stealing. He's stealing money from you. This says everything about his character.
It is about the money itself. When he says I want the cash for myself say you owe me $____. Or hand the money to the server who will then return the change to you. This could be a red flag as far as his handling finances is concerned. If this doesn’t change things it’s time for an honest discussion. Tell him you are uncomfortable with his way of handling things and that he is appropriating your money.
YES! THATS a red flag. He is taking your money without your permission.
Nooo---He should give you the difference back and not pocket the money. I would say to him the next time he does that===Can I have my money? If he is going to keep doing that why in the hell shouldn't you ask for what's yours? I see that as sponging off of you and I wouldn't like that at all. Red flag.
Yikes red flag…
Have you mentioned it to him???
He paid with his card, but you are still out $200. Not just $25. Why would you not have put $100 on the table to split in your example in the first place? Then he can keep cash or whatever he wants for his portion. There is a lot of math not mathing.
Is this in settings where he might think you're tipping the $25? If not, then he's just stealing from you.
Yes this is a red flag! He’s showing you how much he doesn’t respect you and that he views you as a resource.
Have him wait till you get the exact amount. $25 is a lot to keep. I wouldn’t be okay with this. If this wasn’t your bf would you be allowing it?
Yeah it’s a red flag. He’s in debt and taking on more. That’s what people do when they have shitty cash flow. Run away!
Simple. If you are paying, stop paying in cash. Put in on your own credit card.
Yeah that's called stealing. Pocketing the change is when my dad paid with cash and gave me the coins because he didn't want to keep them in his wallet. He is basically stealing that 25. If you told him " hey there's still 25 you owe me back from that" and he didn't give it to you I would be harsher. From your retelling I suspect he knows what he is doing and this isn't the case, but, some people can get confused about money sometimes, be it from ADHD, autism, or they are just bad at math in their head. For some people they don't do the math after the initial offer. (So he got 200 bill from you, he paid with the card, he thinks he got charged 200 on his card because you were paying with 200 bill. ) As stupid as it may sound that has happened to me a few times 😂 and if the other person didn't speak up I might not have stopped and thougt. So yes,.some people will look like they are trying to steal when they are just bad at mental math, but if you did or do speak up and he gets defensive or argues with you then he is doing it deliberately.
Eta: u/Dear-Glove-52, I've read your comments. Your boyfriend the thief is also an asshole. You need to find your self-respect and break up. Venmo him the amount he owes you and your dad. And by the way, nobody can "make you" use your (or your dad's!) card. >For example, if the total bill is $175, I’ll take out $200 in cash to cover it. You need to speak up in the moment. Either start saying, "I'll need the rest back", take out $160 the next few times since he owes you, or stop paying in cash. If he needs cash *he* can go to the ATM.
Can you just say something like. Do you want to pay with your card? And then say something like I will give you $150 since you still owe me the $25 change from last time with xxx. And if he balks about it, then a red flag.
What did he say when you asked him about it?
It may be a habit. Have you asked him?? I've always done this since I was a kid, but it's usually a few pence, not 25$. My partner smiles and says, "Didn't I have change?" Then I give it to him.. most of the time.
he knows what he's doing and it's shady as fuck. based on your comments, grow a spine and figure out where you lost your self respect.
Just start sending him the bill on venmo 😂 he'll get the not so subtle hint. In all seriousness though, I'd just have a chat. Don't make accusations, just state the facts (what was observable/what actually happened) and how it impacted you or made you feel. For all we know this is absent minded behavior, or perhaps he feels entitled for some reason. You just won't know until you talk to him.
If your boyfriend comes from money, has nice things, and spends, $25 is nothing to him and he probably assumes you feel the same way. It's probably overlooked, not ill intentioned. If you feel this badly over that amount of money and the difference in income, you can stop offering to pay altogether and see what happens.
Are you sure he's not taking drugs?
Have you ever thought of asking him for the change?