I'm a very over emotional person and cry and get emotional at the slightest thing. I don't know why. He has never once pulled me up on it. Or made an issue of it. He just lets me work through it and then we continue.
Makes me happy that he understands what I need and how to deal with that.
He’s incredibly receptive to my needs as a person. I had a very difficult childhood and often felt abandoned or unloved and have awful insecurities because of this. Instead of making me feel bad, he sends me messages to let me know he’s thinking of me, brings little gifts home, tells me he loves me as often as I need to hear it. I’m so grateful to finally have someone who can give me that feeling of being appreciated and loved
He supports me (more than I do myself) in my career goals. He believes in me and cheers me on. He lets me sleep when I very tired and makes me food when Im sick. He does those things even when Im not sick. Lets me have alone time and go on walks by myself (ps we have a toddler and zero help babysitting ir anything really). For me those actions are love.
[Married 7, together 12] We know each other better than we know ourselves. It means that sometimes we have to treat the other person like a kid “go to bed” “stop eating junk food” “call your family” its actually great having this. We’re the rational voice for each other when our anxieties takeover. Basically we just compliment each other really well, and push each other to do better only when it’s actually good to do so.
Worst time we’ve shared I think was shortly after we eloped to a new city with no family, no money etc. Little things went a long way: candle lit dinner, blanket forts, funny stories, hugs, massages, we told each other one thing every day that we appreciated about the other person.
I look forward to seeing her every day. For example, when she comes downstairs in the morning (I don’t sleep well so I’m usually up first) I notice a positive shift in my mood when I see her.
Edit: Just wanted to add that we have been happily married for 14 years.
This is really sweet!
My husband makes me coffee every day. He's part remote working at the moment, but when he goes into the office he hand writes me a note that he tapes to a thermos of coffee. I have literally hundreds of these notes, and each one is different. We've been together 11 years, married for 5. I couldn't imagine life without him!
He accepts exactly who I am and makes me feel great about it! He makes me feel I’m a person of worth, smart, capable, lovable, wonderful and overall a great human being.
He doesn’t hold his love for me even when we get angry or are fighting. For example, I was making dinner when we got into a fight one time. I screamed and was so upset I went to the room leaving the food behind... Well, he finished making dinner and brought it to me. I was so angry I was in tears but he knew I was hungry and still brought me food. He cared for me more than he cared about the fight and his ego.
When we don’t see eye to eye, we always try to respectfully explain ourselves and if the other still doesn’t see it then we agree to disagree. None of that has ever been in very important parts of life where disagreeing isn’t an option like “having kids”, “getting married”, “money administration”, etc.
The hardest situation we’ve gone through was being long distance for the first year of our relationship but we knew each other at that point for 3 and a half years so our trust, friendship and communication was really strong. The hardest part was how much we missed each other and how badly we wanted to hug and kiss each other and have sex but couldn’t! Other than that... we were good and we still are over 4 years later, quarantine together and all.
Lastly, what isn’t ideal is how emotionally different we are. I express my feelings constantly, good and bad. He doesn’t. He doesn’t like to deal with his own emotions, doesn’t like feeling “too much” or let them control him. He’s very analytical while I’m very emotional. What isn’t perfect about this is how much I can take over the emotional part without noticing that he also needs attention in the matter. He seems so put together that sometimes I forget he might be going through something too that we need to talk about. I’m working to get better on this though..
Anyway, if they make you feel good about yourself, that’s the place.
We talk about everything, we are best friends, we talk through disagreements and about what we want sexually. He lets me sleep in when I’m tired and he does his share of housework and taking care of our toddler.
We accept each other and try to help each other reach our full potential. If there is an issue we talk about it openly but without blaming and arguing. We hug, touch and kiss a lot (our kids are so embarrassed by us!). We realise that marriage is an act, not a feeling, we choose to love each other every day and to work at it.
It’s honestly hard for me to describe. There’s just a happiness I get around my wife that isn’t there if I’m alone. She travels for her work(pre-corona) and when she would go away, even on a trip she was coming back the next morning or late that night I would just get kind of blah. Once we had kids it was less like a blah I miss you and more of an “OMG these kids are going to kill me” but the same feeling is there still.
I love that she’s my best friend and that we know that we are greater than the sum of our parts. We listen to each other when we have bad days at work. When we fight, we always come out the other side stronger than we did before.
I guess what I’m saying is it’s hard to describe for me. She’s just the best person I know and she always makes me want to be better.
And now I’m gonna go to her office and give her a kiss.
My husband and I are both very big on telling each other thank you and that we appreciate what the other is doing. Even if it's something small, like I took out the trash, he will tell me that he appreciates me doing it. Makes us both feel loved and appreciated. We also will randomly buy small gifts for each other. Like the other day, he went to the gas station and bought me some of my favorite snacks just because he knows that I like them. It really is the small everyday things that make a relationship strong and long lasting.
We have only had a few big fights in the past. Each of those were caused from miscommunication and from learning to go from the single I can do whatever I want mindset, to a I am in a committed relationship mindset. No cheating happened on either end. My husband was single for a long time before we got together, so there was definitely an adjustment period for him. We overcame those hard times by talking things out. We would yell and argue, but then we would talk about what was wrong and resolve it. Those fights honestly made our relationship stronger, because it made us understand the other's point of view better. Apologizing and actually meaning it helped end those fights too.
He always has my back. He makes me feel smart (he is a genius.)
We laugh together, we like a lot of the same things. We give each other space when we need it.
We’ve been married for 19 years and it’s been amazing!
I have found that in the long run, happiness is not something you should expect to be owed by your spouse. You need to find happiness within yourself.
Don’t get me wrong; there needs to be a healthy balance. There are some things that no one should have to put up with.
But happiness is something you achieve by the accomplishments you make and the values you live by. A marriage can soar when two people bring a spirit of service and gratitude to the table. But it only takes one person to turn a marriage into a wasteland of loneliness.
There are struggles as well as joys in any marriage.
When you don’t see eye to eye, sometimes it’s okay to just stop talking about it for awhile and focus on something else. Other times, you have to make down-to-earth “deals” with each other or be willing to compromise. Sometimes, you just have to let your spouse have their way, even if you are 100% right and they are 100% wrong. Sometimes, there are things that you will never both fully agree on.
Again, all of this is easier when **both** people are making a real effort to cut the other some slack.
Affairs and divorces happen when one or both people stop being who they fundamentally were when they married. When you stop showing your spouse real respect and courtesy, you’re simply training them to go have an affair.
Sorry I rambled on. Hope this helps.
He's always patient even when I admittedly don't deserve it sometimes. When I'm going through a depressive episode or any type of unpleasant feelings he is always receptive of my needs/emotions and responds in a way where I know he's there for me.
He's never disrespected me even when we disagree or fight sometimes. And if we do fight, we always come back together to communicate and compromise. We're always a team, it's never me vs. him, we don't have to fight for control over our relationship, we give and take.
I’ve selected a few answers that show what I believe. All these things they do for you, they can one day decide fuck this I’m out, or die, or cheat, or turn abusive, or anything really, and suddenly it’s all gone. Having known what a good partner gives you, life is less valuable now that you no longer get it.
That is what I mean when I say it’s better to die in blissful ignorance than to have loved and lost
> He supports me (more than I do myself) in my career goals. He believes in me and cheers me on. He lets me sleep when I very tired and makes me food when Im sick. He does those things even when Im not sick. Lets me have alone time and go on walks by myself (ps we have a toddler and zero help babysitting ir anything really). For me those actions are love.
> It’s honestly hard for me to describe. There’s just a happiness I get around my wife that isn’t there if I’m alone. She travels for her work(pre-corona) and when she would go away, even on a trip she was coming back the next morning or late that night I would just get kind of blah. Once we had kids it was less like a blah I miss you and more of an “OMG these kids are going to kill me” but the same feeling is there still. I love that she’s my best friend and that we know that we are greater than the sum of our parts. We listen to each other when we have bad days at work. When we fight, we always come out the other side stronger than we did before. I guess what I’m saying is it’s hard to describe for me. She’s just the best person I know and she always makes me want to be better
> He's always patient even when I admittedly don't deserve it sometimes. When I'm going through a depressive episode or any type of unpleasant feelings he is always receptive of my needs/emotions and responds in a way where I know he's there for me. He's never disrespected me even when we disagree or fight sometimes. And if we do fight, we always come back together to communicate and compromise. We're always a team, it's never me vs. him, we don't have to fight for control over our relationship, we give and take.
> He’s incredibly receptive to my needs as a person. I had a very difficult childhood and often felt abandoned or unloved and have awful insecurities because of this. Instead of making me feel bad, he sends me messages to let me know he’s thinking of me, brings little gifts home, tells me he loves me as often as I need to hear it. I’m so grateful to finally have someone who can give me that feeling of being appreciated and loved
He is genuinely happy for me when things make me happy, even when those things have nothing to do with him. When I make exciting plans with a friend, he’s so excited for me. When I have a good day at work, he tells me how awesome that is. When I watch a really good episode of my favorite show, he asks for the details when it’s over. Even though he isn’t into the show, he knows I am. It’s like my happiness is his happiness even when it doesn’t affect him at all.
I think the biggest indicator is honestly how we feel and treat each other when we don’t see eye to eye. When we have an argument or disagreement we are still concerned with the other person’s feelings and want to hear the other person out. If we do blow up in anger we always come back to apologize and work towards a resolution. I feel loved because I’m with someone who loves me just as much when we’re yelling as they do when we’re kissing.
I have been the living, breathing fount of hate and anger since I was 9 or 10 years old. I wouldn't piss on my own family members if they were on fire.
My wife has single handedly brought my life all the joy and goodness I never had. And since my son was born there year it has only gotten better. I am still mostly bitter and want nothing to do with most of the world unless I am being paid.
But just being with my wife and son makes my life pure joy. I thank whatever gods exists everyday for her.
Be reliable, be real, be each others backbone. This makes you want to stay with the other person forever. We are also best friends besides being lovers, its very important that you get along on other stages as well
We both want what's best for our kids and pets. On rare occasions we fight, but neither of us likes to stay mad, so we avoid each other until it blows over. It's mostly doing little things for each other and not collecting grudges.
It's the little actions... the one who gets up first makes the other's morning drink in addition to their own (he likes coffee, I like tea). We ask what the other needs, and provide the support or space so it can happen. We can bring up thoughts, concerns, and issues without fear of starting an argument or not being taken seriously. We have never called each other names, or fought dirty. We can communicate with only a series of looks and silly sounds. It's also crazy how often one of us vocalizes exactly what the other is thinking, even when it seems impossibly random.
Not married *yet.* I just wanted to say that I am so appreciative of this post, and thank you to everyone who is sharing their responses.
I know that I am loved and cared for deeply by my future husband-to-be. He looks after me, always has my back, and he's the most genuine person I know. He does small things for me all of the time, like randomly gifting me snacks or a coffee from Starbucks or restocking my bath bombs when he's at the store. He asks me about my day, about my plans and goals for each day, and asks how he can help me - whether it is a true helping hand or just knowing that he needs to let me do my thing on my own, haha. He appreciates my independence, and trusts me wholeheartedly.
Something hard that we went through about a year ago was that I had a call from the health department that I had a STI, which didn't make sense because I knew for fact that I had clean testing results in my last pap smear the month before we started having sex (about two years before this phone call). I knew we had it together, no doubt, but he had claimed that he was tested right before we started dating and was testing negative for any STD/STI at that time... so where did this STI come from?? I was LIVID and HEARTBROKEN, because all signs and logic pointed to him cheating on me, but he held strong that he had never cheated on me, that he didn't understand how this happened, and he immediately asked questions of: Are you okay? What does this mean for your health? How quickly can we get you treated? I knew by his reaction and questions that he did love me, and I knew that he had to be telling the truth even though it didn't make any sense.
It turns out - after consultation with my doctor and having us both see my doctor for treatment and so forth - that it is totally possible that we were both asymptomatic for two years and a review of his medical history showed that he wasn't actually tested for the specific STI that I was positive for and could have been positive at that time without knowing. We also found out that his ex was sleeping with men on Craigslist when they were together and I started counting my lucky starts that we didn't have something worse that the STI that was gone in 7 days with an antibiotic.
Imagine being in a group project with the smartest, most capable, and most understanding person who is more than willing to put in their fair share of the work. In response, watching them inspires you to do more and be better in your own role in that project. Now imagine having that person in every life task, event, etc. As a partnership, it's this well-oiled machine of two people who are constantly working to improve one another and their lives. The crazy part? Loving, surprising, caring, respecting that person makes you feel better about your own life, and it makes you love you more because that person - that amazing person who would make anyone's life better just by being themselves - loves, values, and cherishes you. That's how I know I'm happy in the relationship.
For conflict resolution, we make "I" statements. "I feel this way when x." Also, it's helpful to always assume that when that partner of yours says or does something that hurts you, it's never because they mean to hurt you. Giving them the benefit of the doubt enables a more clear line of communication where you can express why you're hurt and they can adapt what they do or say to make sure they don't hurt you again. As my partner once said, "I know what I need to do, let me show you I understand."
As for a hard time - we lived in different cities. Inevitably, one of us going was going to have to uproot. When we had to decide which city we'd move to, both cities were equally on the table and we courted the other with our respective cities. In the end, I fell in with his. This whole ordeal was really difficult because I never wanted to uproot my life, leave my friends, and start a completely new professional network. I blamed him at times, but he never got upset with me. Instead, he listened to me, empathized with me, and always let it be known that we can stay in my city if I wanted to. The move was arguably more my decision than his because he made sure that I never felt like I was giving up something that wasn't worth it (if that makes sense).
Our relationship isn't perfect - he makes a lot of jokes that equal the humor of Family Guy and I have a bit of a natural temper (one of them is a lot more bearable than the other) - but it's a beautiful relationship that is filled with trust, vulnerability, support, and just undiluted and unconditional love.
The relationship is ours, flaws and all.
From a male perspective. The biggest things are trust, honesty, pick your battles, and always reassure your partner that they are loved and appreciated. My wife and I have been together 15 years. There have been times when we don't see eye to eye on things, but I usually just throw in the towel and agree with her because I don't care to argue. Little things in life make a huge impact on long term relationships. Like sending a coffee or breakfast once in a while from Uber eats.
Go to the store and buy a stack of cards for every holiday of the year and keep them in your dresser. Set reminders in your phone, so you are never without something on a holiday. This has saved my ass multiple times. I'll forget her birthday or mother's day, then run to my dresser and have at least a card for her.
Of course, the occasional practical joke like putting tape on the bathroom faucet so it sprays all over her when she turns it on.
And lastly, don't be too jealous or clingy, give them space once in a while. Go out with your friends and encourage her to do the same. Being around the same person all day everyday can get exhausting. Over time, your friends will all become mutual friends. Oh I almost forgot one... You need to have a good sex life. Sex is not everything, but it will definitely end a relationship.
I smile when I get home at night, and I smile when I get up in the morning and see her sleeping soundly in bed.
Plus I check out her arse and smile every chance I get.
Married 31+ years.
I have been married for five years and I know that I am loved and appreciated because my husband is frequently requesting my input. When we talking about moving to a new place, he wants my opinion. When he gets a new job offer he wants to know what I think about it and if I think he should go. When he wants to fix up the kitchen he asks me what I think would be a good layout. Now most of the time I agree with him or say something that he agrees with, but I always appreciate that he actively wants to know my opinion. It makes me feel like we are a unit, not just two individual people.
Right now the hardest thing that we have gone through would probably be my depression. I've had depression since high school and it has only gotten worse since having post-partum depression after my kids were born. Most days I am fine and I am my hardworking, happy self. But some days I just shut down and I am not capable of doing much of anything. Each time this happens my husband tries his best to be by my side. He holds me for however long it takes for me to open up and talk about what's wrong. It's not easy. I know it isn't for him, or me either. But we make it work.
My long term SO hasn’t turned me in for a newer model yet lol
But in all seriousness. It’s just being quarantined together with someone 24/7 for the past 3 months and we can be ourselves around one another and it just feels weirdly easy to just mesh. Not perfectly but the stuff that we clash about it trivial in the bigger picture
We talk about everything. We are incredible open with one another. We are married with kids and we put each other above everything else. An example of a very difficult time was my husband originally went to pick our engagement rings and his sisters found out. They staged an intervention and told him it would be the biggest mistake of his life. It was a few rough months for us and he defended me against them. He stood up for us and our relationship to his sisters who he just thought the world of at the time. He put me first. We are together 11 years now and married for 5 now.
He supports me and encourages me in everything I do. At the very beginning of our relationship, I was in a bad working/financial situation: minimum wage at a very expensive city, and barely managed to pay rent. He helped me financially with no strings attached. I think he paid my rent for 3 or 4 months, and he never said a word about paying him back (before living together). Almost 4 years later, and we are now married, I paid him back all the money he ever lent me, I'm clear of all debts, and have a good and amazingly paid job.
But bigger than all this, he always said I could do it. I was a good worker, with a good cv, i would find something better, to not give up hope, and that he was there for me. Feeling I had someone at my back, no matter what, is the biggest thing he ever did for me. He improved my self-worth, and confidence.
Besides that, we talk. Communication is key in our relationship, anything that needs to be talked about, is talked about. Being it kids, house, money , work, etc. And we are honest, we lie or try to omit something. I feel we are two in this relationship, and not just me. He puts as much effort as I put.
That being said, we do have different personalities, so we once in a while crash. And we have the habit of treating the other one, the same way we ate being treated, ie, if we are arguing, and he starts raising his voice, I do the same. He seems to realize how he's talking, and calms down. Same thing with me.
At our wedding, we had a situation that was making him explode. He was almost yelling at everyone, and I grabbed him by the hand, and calmly took him outside for 10 min to talk calmly, and to assure him that it was going to be solved, and that I was going to solve it. He deflated like a ballon once I assured him I was there for him, solving this issue that was stressing him.
He has always been emotionally receptive on my emotional well-being, even when we were just friends. He just always knew what I was exactly feeling, even when I had no idea myself. I was in a pretty toxic long-term relationship prior to us being together that stifled my openness about communication and vulnerability. I also came from a "no nonsense" household that was only about expectations and exceeding them tenfold without complaint.
With my wonderful BF, he took the time and patience to sit me down and just let me talk about whatever was bothering me, whether it be something he did that frustrated me or to just vent about how inconsiderate my family was being with my own needs. Slowly, I began to understand my emotions and put them into words, not only through text message but to actual verbalize them out loud, something that I struggled with for years.
Even with us being in a LDR, he makes me feel that my emotions matter. That I matter. And that I will always be loved.
He makes me laugh so hard I have to clench my legs so that I don’t pee myself.
He doesn’t bail when things get hard, I know no matter what I can depend on him.
He’s the first person I want to share news with (good, bad, boring).
Her unwavering support of me and my goals no matter how fucking stupid I am sometimes.
Her encouragement of me to do what’s best for me, even if whatever it is isn’t most convenient for her.
The way she calms me down when my anxiety strikes.
The sex. I’m not beating around the bush on this one.
How supportive she is of me when I have to work late. I’m in a profession where I have two times a year that are extremely busy, lasting about 3 months a piece, with the intensity ramping up in the last month. During those times (mostly the last month) I come home and dinner is on the table, she cooks every night and cleans up and doesn’t make me do anything so I can get my work done (I do my best to make up for it the rest of the year). My single colleagues struggle during those times of the year.
How she rarely if ever unfairly criticizes me, even during arguments.
Married 9 years, we take time to cuddle in bed each morning before starting our day. I get up an hour before my wife and when her alarm goes off I always find time to go cuddle her for a few minutes.
It makes my heart feel whole.
She is the reason I come home every day. Marriage isn't that easy honestly, but it's not that hard either. I lift her up when she is down,and she does the same for me. Do we fight? O hell yes we do. Is it ever the end? No!
I know I have my soul mate when she has left to go visit her parents,and for the first hour I'm pretty jazzed that I have some free time to myself. But after a little while all I want is for her to be with me at home.
When my MILhad an aneurysm,that was hard,it was so fucking hard on her she lost a huge part of her mom due to brain damage. And I didn't know if I would be able to help her through it. But I we made it through with patience and forgiveness for things said during arguments.
Hope it helps
I am the source of my own feelings and my S.O. is a magnifier of my positive feeling and helps me manage and understand my negative feelings. He definitely has a lot to do with how I feel but I am the source of my feelings in some way and I trust him to never intentionally cause something negative to my person. This trust took a long time to build but it's this trust that our relationship is built.
Though as far as in the moment things go, the absolutely biggest thing that makes me feel accepted is when we are goofy together. The lack of any hint of embarrassment while doing something totally silly is an amazing feeling.
When we don't quite see eye to eye, we pause the actual conversation and repeat what we think we heard the other say and why it sounded that way. Then the other person reframes what they were trying to say to clarify any miss communication. Normally we get slightly off track after a communication miss fire. Some times a negative feeling happens about the other but we talk about it in a team work sort of manner. "Hey when you did x I felt like y". Then we try to correct for it and monitor how the correction goes.
He is on the list of people I have scary thoughts about (occasionally) something terrible happening to (siblings, parents, kids and friends are also on this list). I know that sounds horrible but I only have those intrusive thoughts about people I love deeply.
This next thing I’m not sure is very common, but to me it was a tell tale sign he was the one. Every (serious) boyfriend before my husband, I would have anxiety dreams about getting married to them. These dreams actually started the break up process. With my husband, I had the opposite dreams. Happiness and elation that we are getting married. I still have lots of sex dreams about him (been together 11 years, married almost 6).
We make each other laugh. I am always catching myself smiling when I am around him. This tells me I am truly happy. He is always thinking about me and I try to do the same for him although I will admit he is better at being thoughtful. Small things like replenishing my fave foods, filling my gas tank, taking care of the kids when he knows I’m tired. He flirts with me still. I wear slinky clothes around the house to get his attention and then I tease him a little which I know he likes. We have fun together after kids are asleep.
Something we went through early on in our relationship was actively learning how to communicate. His style was not acceptable to me bc he would yell and scream and/or silent treatment me when we would get upset. I didn’t feel like I had the space/opportunity to let him know how I was feeling. We fought so much with explosive arguments. He finally began to understand his childhood shaped how he dealt with issues and how it is not appropriate. We developed and agreed on boundaries for arguing. We are to remain respectful with our tone and body language. We are allowed to request the other to stop raising their voice, and no more silent treatment. I can honestly say we rarely ever have lasting or escalated arguments now. We just communicate so much better. What he needed me to do is give him space for a brief period while he collects his emotions and thoughts (this is few and far between now). Now when we argue, it’s more constructive and fair.
This was really fun to write and reminds me of a lot of the things I love about my husband, hope this helps!!
Attempts to understand each other, including different love languages and MBTI etc and accepting them! Allowing each other to enjoy the things we enjoy. Spending time together but also giving each other space to do our own thing. Respect for our privacy. For both of us, we have passwords on our phone due to our jobs... and information that may be on there. We know each other’s passwords in case we need someone’s phone number or if someone’s camera would be more appropriate for a certain picture but both agree our YouTube stuff is off limits to each other. Little attempts to spoil each other. Knowing that we will always accept each other’s quirks.
He always compliments me when I’m feeling insecure, out of the blue without knowing how I’m feeling. I never feel lonely when he’s around. We accept each other unconditionally and never hold on to resentment. He pushes me to love myself as much as he does.
I get terrible migraines and jaw pain and have been trying to sleep on my back to see if it helps, and he literally repositions me throughout the night to put me back how I started and try to lessen my pain.
Shortly after he moved in, we had a scare and thought my cat was lost, and my panic really stressed her out. That entire night he went downstairs every time he woke up and checked on her so as soon as I woke up he could assure me she was right there and fine and happy.
Noting that he wakes up often throughout the night due to HIS excruciating pain makes it even more sweet of him.
I just always feel happier with him than without him. I'm a severe introvert and have never been able to be around ANYONE for more than a couple hours without being exhausted and sick of them. But I figured out I have an exception, which I didn't think was possible. I'm with my SO 24/7 and it's not even enough. He's just my best friend and I can't believe I found him. We have always talked about everything and put all of our cards on the table and it's just such an insanely healthy relationship I can't believe it 😂
My husband (married 4 years) always holds me when I cry. He doesn't usually say anything either but let's me feel the feels and go through the emotions.
A few months ago I was really anxious and having a bit of a meltdown. He sat me down and wrapped me in a blanket, fetched one of our baby chicks and handed it to me to pet.
This was exactly what I needed. I sat there and pet the chick revelling In the idea that my husband knew exactly what I needed.
I miss him desperately when he’s gone. Even after 15 years, when we get home from work I’ll tell him I missed him. He is just the person I want to be around, to talk to, to hear about his day and his thoughts. I want to make him happy, and I love knowing that he’s my person to lean on. The guy has my back no matter what. It is one of the indisputable truths in my life, just as I have his.
The smallest things are the most joyous. Waking him up and seeing that perfect, precious smile as he pulls me down for a kiss. Its something i wouldn’t trade. Or when he gets home from work and i run into his arms. That embrace and the love in his grip makes me feel so incredibly loved and happy.
I posted this in the marriage subreddit not too long ago, pretty much sums it up for me:
https://oauth.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/g7ntvu/foo/fojov1o
My wife and I have been together for 27.5 years and this is exactly how I would describe our feelings. We’ve been through some therapy to deal with some unhealthy codependency - but I can honestly say that we are still madly in love with each other. We often tell each other: “no place I’d rather be”. My theory is that people stay (happily) married for the long haul because the alternative is unacceptable. Also, if you get to be married to your best friend and still have fun- that is my ideal life ( just this morning, she and I were playing off each other and laughing our heads off - I love that woman). You are one of the lucky ones, enjoy it!
Edit: of course we have ups and downs, and bad times. However, our love is the consistent and the driving force in both our lives.
Respect. Loyalty. Forgiveness. Unconditional love. Communication. And...He works SO hard all the time. There is not an ounce of laziness in him. He’s interactive with me and our kids and sacrifices so much for us.
I believe our relationship and the way we connect comes from the very fact we had both previously been in very toxic and abusive relationships in the past. We connected in such a way that two broken people do and learn how to build each other up from the very bottom. We support one another, if one is unhappy say at a job - the other will ask what do you want to do? if the other wants to leave said job, then they have the support to do so. We rarely fight, and when I say rarely - I mean *rarely.* The last 4 years we've been together we've had one fight, and it was over something that was rather serious. We did make a promise in the beginning, that if we ever got into a heated argument we would walk away for 12 hours and then come back to the discussion with a clearer head. And that was what we did, it worked. Communication, support and knowing that no matter what goes down you have that person fighting in your corner for you and you are doing the same for them.
No secrets, and always tell the truth - even if it may hurt or be something you don't want to hear. We've been together 16 years and married 14. She accepts me for who I am and my many flaws. I accept her for who she is and what few flaws she may have. If I'm away without her and I'm having fun, I immediately think I wish she were here to experience whatever it is I am experiencing.
Regardless of how I'm feeling when I'm with her I am happy and relaxed. We can disagree with no yelling or hard feelings. We communicate about everything. We have the same core values. We don't always like the same thing (example she's into video games I'm in lifting) but we both support each others hobbies. We both defend eachother to our families. We push eachother to do better. She is just the perfect person for me.
I would have to say first and foremost, each partner has to be able to happy independently and and in a healthy place. This is key. Or at least REALLY working on that. Second... for me.
I was a widow when we met. With that, comes a whole bunch of things you have to maneuver through the first couple of years. Fears, pain, guilt etc.
I was blessed with a partner who ALWAYS loves me where I'm at. He loves me so deeply and unconditionally that I in turn, love myself more, just from seeing myself through his eyes. He supports me in everything I do, every hobby that peaks my interest (and I do this often! lol) and will listen to things that interest me, as if they interest him. He has supported me so much, that I went from someone who felt lost in the world in a career that I settled for with little college completed, to today and now have multiple certifications, degrees and am happier with my experiences, career and life. I'm LIVING MY DHARMA.
He is conscious-centered and engaging in every way. We move everyday with intention and respect. We always create a safe space for each other to express freely without anger or judgement and listen to hear, not to respond.
Add all of this with an amazing, safe, experimental and passionate sex life... and voila... magic. Everyday we choose each other. We cook together, laugh together, and truly 'see' one another. When two people MAKING THE EFFORT, beyond dating years and into marriage and beyond, you find what works for you both. You meet each others needs in such equal and level ground that it doesn't allow resentment, dishonesty etc. Create what you want your relationship to be. TALK TO EACH other about what that feels like, looks like etc.
Best of luck!!! Dr. Z
I once had a dream where he died and I just wept and thought about how I would never get to hold his hand again. I woke up crying and ran into his office (he works early) and he dropped everything and let me sit in his lap and comforted me. It was a silly dream but he still showered me with love. He just has a way of showing me that I’m important to him.
We’ve been through decades together and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I look into his eyes and see love and life. We have had some tough times and when I mentioned divorce one time, the hurt, shock, and devastation on his face showed me that what we have is something worth always fighting for. I’m not going to sugar coat it and say it has always been easy. It hasn’t, but it also hasn’t always been tough. It’s an ebb and flow and we’ve had many, many more good times than we’ve had bad ones so far.
Lurker with a decade old relationship here, so I'm not sure if it's considered long enough but will try.
> Please could you share the things in your life that lets you know without a doubt that you are happy, that you are loved and appreciated deeply? What does your partner do or not do that makes you feel whole and complete?
It's the little things. Coffee or breakfast in bed; getting a tea or snack randomly just because; being taken care of while sick; Having a good meal served to you just because they appreciate you; Not being able to fall asleep if your partner is missing. Thinking about your partner randomly throughout the day or them letting you know about it.
> When you don’t see eye to eye, how do you overcome those times?
Good communication and mutual respect is mandatory. We see each other as complete equals and it's always been like that; We don't avoid conflict when problems arise and as such we never built unspoken resentment. If there's a problem we discuss it first chance we get - when we're both rested and well; We take each others perspective into account and compromise where we need to; We establish boundaries when we need to and make them known without hesitation.
> If you don’t mind sharing, what was something very hard that you went through together and how did you get through it?
I would say we both went through a hard childhood and as such we both have a lot of issues to deal with now as adults - including on and off depression; Supporting each other through hard times and trying to better ourselves individually is the way we're tackling things.
> What are some things that are not ideal in the relationship, big or small - how unhappy do they make you overall and how do you deal with them?
They are irrelevant and/or temporary in the grand scheme of things; We deal with them by talking about them and having patience until they pass.
He is understanding, patient, kind, empathic and selfless. He makes me feel like the only person in his universe. At the end of the day he always picks me over other things. Instead of going out for beer with his coworkers he would rather come home and have a drink with me while we cook the kids dinner.
I’m the same way. He is my universe and my best friend. He’s the only person I fall asleep thinking about and wake up thinking about.
We just celebrated 17 years together and it doesn’t even feel like that long.
We speak with complete honesty. I tell him that I love him every singke day but that I don't always like him because my emotions are based on a single day, my love is based on 15 years of support, validation of each other's feelings, and above all deep respect. He's also my biggest supporters hen it comes to all my little eccentricities. I respect his views and we apologize to each other when we feel like there's been a misunderstanding. He's my absolute best friend, the person I can be 100% myself with and not ever feel like I have to be ashamed of my weirdness.
As parents we're a team and although we do know we don't always agree on every topic, our union as parents is important. I tell him that I dont need him, but I want to be with him and honestly, we've only grown stronger as the years go by. We're not perfect nor do we pretend to be but he understands me on all fucking levels. He makes me laugh more than anyone in the world and I ways miss him when he's not home. He's always tuned in to my needs and although he's not always vocal about his love he definitely shows it when it counts.
It's the first relationship I've had that moved past feeling and into knowing. We don't always feel head over heels. Sometimes there's a disconnect. In past relationships, that would've been enough for me to leave. What's the point if they're not making you feel good all the time right? But something just clicked this time and it became a knowing...even in the not knowing. He knows how to give me room to feel one thing (anger, jealousy, needing space) and believe another (love, encouragement, wholeness).
There's, of course, countless things he does that go above and beyond. But I just think there's something powerful in the knowing. It is the most consistent thing I've ever known.
My husband looks at me with so much love. Little things I do, even hugging and kissing him makes him might up, and it makes my heart so happy. I've never felt so loved and accepted in my life, I'm still trying to wrap my head around how lucky I am.
No matter how upset we get or are sure we are right in a disagreement, we never say things to try and hurt. That might sound little but after watching my parents, I know how tempting and destructive it is to lash out and hurt.
Find someone who never even wants to hurt you emotionally. Not even when mad
Once, I forgot my keys for closing up the restaurant where I worked. My husband was at a party with friends and I called him because I needed him to bring me the keys as I couldn't leave the place unlocked. I must have sounded more panicked than I felt because he just hung up on me only to call me back a minute later to say he had just left the party without saying goodbye and was jumping into a taxi - he didn't even know what I needed, just that I needed him. That's when I knew he'd always have my back, no matter what.
Married 20 years here. We don't need to spend every second together and have our own interests but also have things we like to do together. We do little things for each other all the time like making cups of tea for each other when we make one for ourselves, we always ask about each others day,and if one of us is sick the other makes sure they are taken care of until they feel better. Lots of hugs and kisses, we hold hands when we walk around town, we tell each other the things we like about each other regularly, and we tell the other when one of us is upset about something and talk it out. Communication is the main thing first and foremost, both of you need to be able to compromise sometimes,as well as having your own space and time to yourself. Being with each other every second of the day can become very suffocating and you can lose who you are.
We share a sense of humor. Even going grocery shopping together is fun because we get to do it together. Day to day errands feel like a fun date. We argue sometimes but we never feel resentment afterwards and we talk it out an use our disagreements to understand each other better. He’s so smart and we have the best conversations about life, politics, whatever and lose track of time sitting on the porch talking. It’s less about being “in love” and more about being absolute best friends if that makes sense.
He supports me so so much, in everything. I'm a very insecure person but he always reassures me that i am capable of the things i want to do. I also have social anxiety so some everyday things can be hard for me, he always supports me and helps me with everything. He's the most kind and caring person i know.
We've been living together for 3 years and both work from home so we spend alot of time together and i never get sick of him. He's my favourite person.
I'm extremely fortunate to be in a solid, happy, loving marriage, and I can say that there are multiple factors behind it. I will try to answer your questions in the order asked.
So first of all, the things in my life that let me know w.o a doubt that I am happy in my marriage and that I am loved and appreciated deeply are: his care for the things I care deeply about, his compassion towards me when I am low or my heart hurts, his actions in picking up the slack whenever I am unable to carry my weight, his constant reassurance (after I told him at the very beginning of dating that I like to hear reassurance daily (whether through a kind word or encouragement etc), his devotion to our animal kids, him showing me respect in many different ways each and every day (such as always checking w me about scheduling and asking for my opinion). These things also make me feel whole and complete, bc they show that I have a true partner by my side who values me as the person that I am and is willing to be there through the highs and the lows.
When we don't see eye to eye, we always show the other person that we are not trying to fight against them by refraining from personal attacks or pinning blame. We communicate that we are just voicing our own perspective, we check ourselves when needed and calmly try to explain that perspective, and we each take the time to actually acknowledge what the other said even if we disagree. We do not throw insults, ever. If I am being a jerk, my husband will kindly but firmly point it out, and 9 times out of 10 I will recognize that he is right and I readjust my attitude. Once again, WE DO NOT THROW INSULTS, EVER.
Something difficult we went through (not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but was difficult for us at the time nonetheless) was planning our wedding. I did not want one but he did, so I agreed to it, while also studying for my professional license exam, recovering from some emotionally turbulent times, and learning to communicate to his mom that I am not a child to be ordered around (she's a lovely lady, but we inevitably butted heads re the wedding). I was having a very difficult time emotionally handling all the stress, and he didn't speak up for me a couple times when I really could have used it. I explained all this to him ad nauseum, and over time he came to understand where I was coming from and he made changes in order to always have my back going forward. None of this would have been possible to get through as smoothly if it wasn't for crystal clear communication devoid of attacks or insults.
I can't think of anything that's "not ideal" atm, though we are human so of course those things exist. Bottom line is: show respect and kindness, communicate openly and honestly without being overly blunt or hurtful, be fair and show them gratitude (a heartfelt "thank you" goes a long way), and reciprocate the love given.
Sorry this is so long, but I hope it was insightful in any small way.
We've been married for 40years and and I still can't help but break out in a smile every time I think of her. I just couldn't imagine my life without her.
Married for 15 years. We went through a lot, and still every day I have the feeling he's the best thing that ever happened to me, and vice versa. I think it is because we genuinely like and adore each other, and we taught each other how to trust.
In every way he can, he makes sure he does everything he can to make sure I’m the most comfortable. I don’t drive much so he would leave Uber gift cards in the house for me when he’s away for work. Then he would call me to look out our door and there will be food. Turns out he ordered me my favorite foods through UberEats and asks the driver to leave it out our door.....he did this every single day he was away for work🥺.
I told him I wanted to start digital drawing and he immediately got me an iPad to practice 🥺 He supports me with my dreams and encourages me to pursue my goals.
After every meal, he tells me to relax on the couch and he brings me coffee even when I don’t ask🥺. (I love coffee after meals) Then he gets our pillows/blanket from upstairs and tucks me in so we can have a netlfix marathon. 🥺
The best part is the way we communicate. We consult each other over every thing because we’re a team. We help each other out.
We have been together almost 8 years and we still look forward to seeing each other all the time and talking about our day even though we live together 🥰
He makes me the happiest♥️
Been married for 5 years now. I honestly have so many reasons why he makes me happy. I think the thing that makes me happiest is when I hear my husband laugh and see his smile. Also, sometimes I want to take a nap and he will come into the bed with me just so he can cuddle with me until I fall asleep. I love him so much.
We met at 13 and became inseparable best friends. At 18 we started dating and now we’ll be married for 10 years next august. We always had a special connection that stemmed from being genuine friends before dating but getting married young wasn’t without its share of problems. We are both very open to talking about our problems and needs. When something has hurt my feelings I share it with him immediately and he is receptive to listening and truly acts to change any behavior that is damaging to the relationship. He is very uplifting and makes sure that I know how much I’m loved and appreciated every day with acts of service. I think one of the biggest things I appreciate about him is that he tells me how much he respects my opinion and frequently asks me for advice in his daily life. Feeling and knowing that I’m an integral part of his life and that my thoughts and feelings are meaningful to him is a different level of respect. We have never had a fight. (Hear me out) Although we are very similar in nature, he is an avoider of confrontational encounters and I am the opposite. Because he is deescalatory, this has allowed one partner to remain calm if I am ever in a heated state and we actually work through issues much quicker without ever having to escalate to an argument status. I know this isn’t something that a couple can control but I know that both parties have to be willing to let their guard down when an issue arises otherwise it will result in one or both becoming defensive. We grew up watching our parents hide resentments in their marriages that led to deep bitterness and unhappiness and we collectively decided to never let that happen. The success in our marriage comes from our genuine desire to fix anything and everything that’s broken. We set our defenses aside and listen to each other’s grievances with a willingness to learn and change. I never tire of his company and I’ve cherished the years we’ve spent learning from and growing with each other. For these reasons I know that we’re soul mates.
That my wife tolerates my geeky hobbies (video games and Plastic Model building) and still buys me some as gifts and I know she really doesn't like them.
Also, that we can get in a pretty good yellinhg match and be fine a few mns later. It's totally normal to fight. Don't bottle it up. But don't make personal attacks either.
Married 28 years, together for 35 years.
Say I am having a bad day, she knows and comes over (without saying a word) and gives me a big hug -- and she is a great hugger.
We do not go to bed angry. We always kiss each other good night and talk about any disagreements that we have and we do not raise our voices to each other.
Tough times: The death of my father (expected) and the death of her brother (unexpected and relatively young) were very tough times. Also, lost 3 good friends in 2014 (all young) -- that was tough for us. We gave each other space and did a lot of non-sexual intimate things, like holding hands and cuddling.
Not ideal things: she is messy and I am clean. We actually joke about it all the time!
You don't rely on them, they're there in addition to your own capability and self-reliance.
My partner and I would be totally fine on our own. Together, we've built a kick-ass life together in a really nice house. On our own, we were living in apartments that were just ok.
We have different strengths and the total is greater than the sum of its parts. She's really good at fixing things, I'm good at organizing and planning. She's good at decorating, I'm good at optimizing. Together we can handle pretty much anything life throws at us, we can do it cheap and we can do it in style.
Plus we love each other or whatever.
Yeah but I mean, they support and care for nd love u and if they’re gone you won’t have that any more. It’s better to live in the bliss of ignorance than to suffer in the knowledge of what you’re missing out, isn’t it?
If she died, then I'll be back where I was. Plus I'll have good memories and a nice house. That's a net gain.
Unless you mean divorce. I'm divorced, too. It sucked for a little while, sure, but I don't regret my first marriage either. It taught me a lot about myself. It wasn't really a big gain, but it wasn't a net loss either. There are good memories there. Divorce doesn't instantly invalidate everything that happened with your ex.
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As a reference, I've been married for 14 years, together for 16, have 4 joint kids. We got married comparatively young, even if we both were and are atheists.
Q: Please could you share the things in your life that lets you know without a doubt that you are happy, that you are loved and appreciated deeply?
A: I've suffered from continuous melancholia/mild depression since I was in my early teens, so I don't feel much happiness in general. I do get satisfaction from work, my kids and a few dear hobbies that I can barely fit in my schedule. I know that my partner appreciates me deeply, because she does a lot to enable my work and if I feel sick or tired, she often does extra things for me. At times I do wonder if she still loves me, since she rarely says that she does, but does like to hug me and kiss me which'll have to do.
Q: What does your partner do or not do that makes you feel whole and complete?
A: I've entertained the thought in my head how my life would be if she wasn't around and the answer is absolutely miserable and daily life would become almost impossible overnight. I don't know if she, or anyone or anything, can make me feel "whole", but I also don't feel like I wasn't that.
Q: When you don't see eye to eye, how do you overcome those times?
A: We've had a lot of difficult times and we tend to argue through opinional differences to overcome them. It helps that both of us know plenty of miserable divorces and hence are more inclined to stick together by default than go that route.
Q: If you don't mind sharing, what was something very hard that you went through together and how did you get through it?
A: The most recent thing happened 6 months ago when she started complaining about the lack of sex. I very grudgingly eventually admitted that it was because I've never been attracted to overweight women and she has been overweight for most of our marriage. I had problems admitting this, because she wasn't even obese, and I felt I was shallow for losing my interest in her for this reason. She got very angry and sad at first, but then admitted to having binge eating issues, went on a diet that she has mostly followed and has since lost 15 pounds and will probably be no-longer overweight a few months down the road. I feel super happy that she's doing this all essentially for me and totally recognize that it may be the hardest thing she's ever done for me and this includes moving on a different continent, learning a new language and giving birth 4 times.
Q: What are some things that are not ideal in the relationship, big or small - how unhappy do they make you overall and how do you deal with them?
A: Me being so melancholic means that we do relatively few things together, because I don't enjoy going to concerts or watching movies. All I pretty much want to do is to work and spend a little bit of time with the kids when I'm not working. What I do for hobbies typically involve only me (sports) or relate to listening to financial news that are almost indistinguishable from my work for the layperson. This doesn't really make me sad; it just makes me feel like an ass and it makes her rather sad at times. Since she's lost weight, I now dislike her shyness the most - for example, she doesn't want to make phone calls or deal with new problems, so I end up doing these things on her behalf.
I'm a very over emotional person and cry and get emotional at the slightest thing. I don't know why. He has never once pulled me up on it. Or made an issue of it. He just lets me work through it and then we continue. Makes me happy that he understands what I need and how to deal with that.
He’s incredibly receptive to my needs as a person. I had a very difficult childhood and often felt abandoned or unloved and have awful insecurities because of this. Instead of making me feel bad, he sends me messages to let me know he’s thinking of me, brings little gifts home, tells me he loves me as often as I need to hear it. I’m so grateful to finally have someone who can give me that feeling of being appreciated and loved
This made me cry. This is so beautiful and loving of your husband. I wish you guys nothing but the best.
Thank you lovely xx all the best to you as well!
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. My eyes teared up reading this as well.
Oh thank you so much! He’s a good egg and I’m very lucky! Wishing you all the best xx
He supports me (more than I do myself) in my career goals. He believes in me and cheers me on. He lets me sleep when I very tired and makes me food when Im sick. He does those things even when Im not sick. Lets me have alone time and go on walks by myself (ps we have a toddler and zero help babysitting ir anything really). For me those actions are love.
[Married 7, together 12] We know each other better than we know ourselves. It means that sometimes we have to treat the other person like a kid “go to bed” “stop eating junk food” “call your family” its actually great having this. We’re the rational voice for each other when our anxieties takeover. Basically we just compliment each other really well, and push each other to do better only when it’s actually good to do so. Worst time we’ve shared I think was shortly after we eloped to a new city with no family, no money etc. Little things went a long way: candle lit dinner, blanket forts, funny stories, hugs, massages, we told each other one thing every day that we appreciated about the other person.
I look forward to seeing her every day. For example, when she comes downstairs in the morning (I don’t sleep well so I’m usually up first) I notice a positive shift in my mood when I see her. Edit: Just wanted to add that we have been happily married for 14 years.
This is really sweet! My husband makes me coffee every day. He's part remote working at the moment, but when he goes into the office he hand writes me a note that he tapes to a thermos of coffee. I have literally hundreds of these notes, and each one is different. We've been together 11 years, married for 5. I couldn't imagine life without him!
This is so sweet. Something I hope for when I meet the one.
We are very very open with eachother. We talk about everything, good, bad, and uncomfortable.
He accepts exactly who I am and makes me feel great about it! He makes me feel I’m a person of worth, smart, capable, lovable, wonderful and overall a great human being. He doesn’t hold his love for me even when we get angry or are fighting. For example, I was making dinner when we got into a fight one time. I screamed and was so upset I went to the room leaving the food behind... Well, he finished making dinner and brought it to me. I was so angry I was in tears but he knew I was hungry and still brought me food. He cared for me more than he cared about the fight and his ego. When we don’t see eye to eye, we always try to respectfully explain ourselves and if the other still doesn’t see it then we agree to disagree. None of that has ever been in very important parts of life where disagreeing isn’t an option like “having kids”, “getting married”, “money administration”, etc. The hardest situation we’ve gone through was being long distance for the first year of our relationship but we knew each other at that point for 3 and a half years so our trust, friendship and communication was really strong. The hardest part was how much we missed each other and how badly we wanted to hug and kiss each other and have sex but couldn’t! Other than that... we were good and we still are over 4 years later, quarantine together and all. Lastly, what isn’t ideal is how emotionally different we are. I express my feelings constantly, good and bad. He doesn’t. He doesn’t like to deal with his own emotions, doesn’t like feeling “too much” or let them control him. He’s very analytical while I’m very emotional. What isn’t perfect about this is how much I can take over the emotional part without noticing that he also needs attention in the matter. He seems so put together that sometimes I forget he might be going through something too that we need to talk about. I’m working to get better on this though.. Anyway, if they make you feel good about yourself, that’s the place.
We talk about everything, we are best friends, we talk through disagreements and about what we want sexually. He lets me sleep in when I’m tired and he does his share of housework and taking care of our toddler.
We accept each other and try to help each other reach our full potential. If there is an issue we talk about it openly but without blaming and arguing. We hug, touch and kiss a lot (our kids are so embarrassed by us!). We realise that marriage is an act, not a feeling, we choose to love each other every day and to work at it.
It’s honestly hard for me to describe. There’s just a happiness I get around my wife that isn’t there if I’m alone. She travels for her work(pre-corona) and when she would go away, even on a trip she was coming back the next morning or late that night I would just get kind of blah. Once we had kids it was less like a blah I miss you and more of an “OMG these kids are going to kill me” but the same feeling is there still. I love that she’s my best friend and that we know that we are greater than the sum of our parts. We listen to each other when we have bad days at work. When we fight, we always come out the other side stronger than we did before. I guess what I’m saying is it’s hard to describe for me. She’s just the best person I know and she always makes me want to be better. And now I’m gonna go to her office and give her a kiss.
My husband and I are both very big on telling each other thank you and that we appreciate what the other is doing. Even if it's something small, like I took out the trash, he will tell me that he appreciates me doing it. Makes us both feel loved and appreciated. We also will randomly buy small gifts for each other. Like the other day, he went to the gas station and bought me some of my favorite snacks just because he knows that I like them. It really is the small everyday things that make a relationship strong and long lasting. We have only had a few big fights in the past. Each of those were caused from miscommunication and from learning to go from the single I can do whatever I want mindset, to a I am in a committed relationship mindset. No cheating happened on either end. My husband was single for a long time before we got together, so there was definitely an adjustment period for him. We overcame those hard times by talking things out. We would yell and argue, but then we would talk about what was wrong and resolve it. Those fights honestly made our relationship stronger, because it made us understand the other's point of view better. Apologizing and actually meaning it helped end those fights too.
SO MUCH THIS!!! Gratefulness MAKES such a difference!!!!! Thank you for this!
He always has my back. He makes me feel smart (he is a genius.) We laugh together, we like a lot of the same things. We give each other space when we need it. We’ve been married for 19 years and it’s been amazing!
I have found that in the long run, happiness is not something you should expect to be owed by your spouse. You need to find happiness within yourself. Don’t get me wrong; there needs to be a healthy balance. There are some things that no one should have to put up with. But happiness is something you achieve by the accomplishments you make and the values you live by. A marriage can soar when two people bring a spirit of service and gratitude to the table. But it only takes one person to turn a marriage into a wasteland of loneliness. There are struggles as well as joys in any marriage. When you don’t see eye to eye, sometimes it’s okay to just stop talking about it for awhile and focus on something else. Other times, you have to make down-to-earth “deals” with each other or be willing to compromise. Sometimes, you just have to let your spouse have their way, even if you are 100% right and they are 100% wrong. Sometimes, there are things that you will never both fully agree on. Again, all of this is easier when **both** people are making a real effort to cut the other some slack. Affairs and divorces happen when one or both people stop being who they fundamentally were when they married. When you stop showing your spouse real respect and courtesy, you’re simply training them to go have an affair. Sorry I rambled on. Hope this helps.
He listens to me and really tries to understand ME! He is so forgiving and sweet, loves our family and I just know he is my forever
He's always patient even when I admittedly don't deserve it sometimes. When I'm going through a depressive episode or any type of unpleasant feelings he is always receptive of my needs/emotions and responds in a way where I know he's there for me. He's never disrespected me even when we disagree or fight sometimes. And if we do fight, we always come back together to communicate and compromise. We're always a team, it's never me vs. him, we don't have to fight for control over our relationship, we give and take.
I’ve selected a few answers that show what I believe. All these things they do for you, they can one day decide fuck this I’m out, or die, or cheat, or turn abusive, or anything really, and suddenly it’s all gone. Having known what a good partner gives you, life is less valuable now that you no longer get it. That is what I mean when I say it’s better to die in blissful ignorance than to have loved and lost > He supports me (more than I do myself) in my career goals. He believes in me and cheers me on. He lets me sleep when I very tired and makes me food when Im sick. He does those things even when Im not sick. Lets me have alone time and go on walks by myself (ps we have a toddler and zero help babysitting ir anything really). For me those actions are love. > It’s honestly hard for me to describe. There’s just a happiness I get around my wife that isn’t there if I’m alone. She travels for her work(pre-corona) and when she would go away, even on a trip she was coming back the next morning or late that night I would just get kind of blah. Once we had kids it was less like a blah I miss you and more of an “OMG these kids are going to kill me” but the same feeling is there still. I love that she’s my best friend and that we know that we are greater than the sum of our parts. We listen to each other when we have bad days at work. When we fight, we always come out the other side stronger than we did before. I guess what I’m saying is it’s hard to describe for me. She’s just the best person I know and she always makes me want to be better > He's always patient even when I admittedly don't deserve it sometimes. When I'm going through a depressive episode or any type of unpleasant feelings he is always receptive of my needs/emotions and responds in a way where I know he's there for me. He's never disrespected me even when we disagree or fight sometimes. And if we do fight, we always come back together to communicate and compromise. We're always a team, it's never me vs. him, we don't have to fight for control over our relationship, we give and take. > He’s incredibly receptive to my needs as a person. I had a very difficult childhood and often felt abandoned or unloved and have awful insecurities because of this. Instead of making me feel bad, he sends me messages to let me know he’s thinking of me, brings little gifts home, tells me he loves me as often as I need to hear it. I’m so grateful to finally have someone who can give me that feeling of being appreciated and loved
He is genuinely happy for me when things make me happy, even when those things have nothing to do with him. When I make exciting plans with a friend, he’s so excited for me. When I have a good day at work, he tells me how awesome that is. When I watch a really good episode of my favorite show, he asks for the details when it’s over. Even though he isn’t into the show, he knows I am. It’s like my happiness is his happiness even when it doesn’t affect him at all.
I think the biggest indicator is honestly how we feel and treat each other when we don’t see eye to eye. When we have an argument or disagreement we are still concerned with the other person’s feelings and want to hear the other person out. If we do blow up in anger we always come back to apologize and work towards a resolution. I feel loved because I’m with someone who loves me just as much when we’re yelling as they do when we’re kissing.
I have been the living, breathing fount of hate and anger since I was 9 or 10 years old. I wouldn't piss on my own family members if they were on fire. My wife has single handedly brought my life all the joy and goodness I never had. And since my son was born there year it has only gotten better. I am still mostly bitter and want nothing to do with most of the world unless I am being paid. But just being with my wife and son makes my life pure joy. I thank whatever gods exists everyday for her.
Beautiful. I’m happy for you that you have them.
Be reliable, be real, be each others backbone. This makes you want to stay with the other person forever. We are also best friends besides being lovers, its very important that you get along on other stages as well
We both want what's best for our kids and pets. On rare occasions we fight, but neither of us likes to stay mad, so we avoid each other until it blows over. It's mostly doing little things for each other and not collecting grudges.
It's the little actions... the one who gets up first makes the other's morning drink in addition to their own (he likes coffee, I like tea). We ask what the other needs, and provide the support or space so it can happen. We can bring up thoughts, concerns, and issues without fear of starting an argument or not being taken seriously. We have never called each other names, or fought dirty. We can communicate with only a series of looks and silly sounds. It's also crazy how often one of us vocalizes exactly what the other is thinking, even when it seems impossibly random.
Not married *yet.* I just wanted to say that I am so appreciative of this post, and thank you to everyone who is sharing their responses. I know that I am loved and cared for deeply by my future husband-to-be. He looks after me, always has my back, and he's the most genuine person I know. He does small things for me all of the time, like randomly gifting me snacks or a coffee from Starbucks or restocking my bath bombs when he's at the store. He asks me about my day, about my plans and goals for each day, and asks how he can help me - whether it is a true helping hand or just knowing that he needs to let me do my thing on my own, haha. He appreciates my independence, and trusts me wholeheartedly. Something hard that we went through about a year ago was that I had a call from the health department that I had a STI, which didn't make sense because I knew for fact that I had clean testing results in my last pap smear the month before we started having sex (about two years before this phone call). I knew we had it together, no doubt, but he had claimed that he was tested right before we started dating and was testing negative for any STD/STI at that time... so where did this STI come from?? I was LIVID and HEARTBROKEN, because all signs and logic pointed to him cheating on me, but he held strong that he had never cheated on me, that he didn't understand how this happened, and he immediately asked questions of: Are you okay? What does this mean for your health? How quickly can we get you treated? I knew by his reaction and questions that he did love me, and I knew that he had to be telling the truth even though it didn't make any sense. It turns out - after consultation with my doctor and having us both see my doctor for treatment and so forth - that it is totally possible that we were both asymptomatic for two years and a review of his medical history showed that he wasn't actually tested for the specific STI that I was positive for and could have been positive at that time without knowing. We also found out that his ex was sleeping with men on Craigslist when they were together and I started counting my lucky starts that we didn't have something worse that the STI that was gone in 7 days with an antibiotic.
Imagine being in a group project with the smartest, most capable, and most understanding person who is more than willing to put in their fair share of the work. In response, watching them inspires you to do more and be better in your own role in that project. Now imagine having that person in every life task, event, etc. As a partnership, it's this well-oiled machine of two people who are constantly working to improve one another and their lives. The crazy part? Loving, surprising, caring, respecting that person makes you feel better about your own life, and it makes you love you more because that person - that amazing person who would make anyone's life better just by being themselves - loves, values, and cherishes you. That's how I know I'm happy in the relationship. For conflict resolution, we make "I" statements. "I feel this way when x." Also, it's helpful to always assume that when that partner of yours says or does something that hurts you, it's never because they mean to hurt you. Giving them the benefit of the doubt enables a more clear line of communication where you can express why you're hurt and they can adapt what they do or say to make sure they don't hurt you again. As my partner once said, "I know what I need to do, let me show you I understand." As for a hard time - we lived in different cities. Inevitably, one of us going was going to have to uproot. When we had to decide which city we'd move to, both cities were equally on the table and we courted the other with our respective cities. In the end, I fell in with his. This whole ordeal was really difficult because I never wanted to uproot my life, leave my friends, and start a completely new professional network. I blamed him at times, but he never got upset with me. Instead, he listened to me, empathized with me, and always let it be known that we can stay in my city if I wanted to. The move was arguably more my decision than his because he made sure that I never felt like I was giving up something that wasn't worth it (if that makes sense). Our relationship isn't perfect - he makes a lot of jokes that equal the humor of Family Guy and I have a bit of a natural temper (one of them is a lot more bearable than the other) - but it's a beautiful relationship that is filled with trust, vulnerability, support, and just undiluted and unconditional love. The relationship is ours, flaws and all.
From a male perspective. The biggest things are trust, honesty, pick your battles, and always reassure your partner that they are loved and appreciated. My wife and I have been together 15 years. There have been times when we don't see eye to eye on things, but I usually just throw in the towel and agree with her because I don't care to argue. Little things in life make a huge impact on long term relationships. Like sending a coffee or breakfast once in a while from Uber eats. Go to the store and buy a stack of cards for every holiday of the year and keep them in your dresser. Set reminders in your phone, so you are never without something on a holiday. This has saved my ass multiple times. I'll forget her birthday or mother's day, then run to my dresser and have at least a card for her. Of course, the occasional practical joke like putting tape on the bathroom faucet so it sprays all over her when she turns it on. And lastly, don't be too jealous or clingy, give them space once in a while. Go out with your friends and encourage her to do the same. Being around the same person all day everyday can get exhausting. Over time, your friends will all become mutual friends. Oh I almost forgot one... You need to have a good sex life. Sex is not everything, but it will definitely end a relationship.
I literally cried reading this thread
I smile when I get home at night, and I smile when I get up in the morning and see her sleeping soundly in bed. Plus I check out her arse and smile every chance I get. Married 31+ years.
I have been married for five years and I know that I am loved and appreciated because my husband is frequently requesting my input. When we talking about moving to a new place, he wants my opinion. When he gets a new job offer he wants to know what I think about it and if I think he should go. When he wants to fix up the kitchen he asks me what I think would be a good layout. Now most of the time I agree with him or say something that he agrees with, but I always appreciate that he actively wants to know my opinion. It makes me feel like we are a unit, not just two individual people. Right now the hardest thing that we have gone through would probably be my depression. I've had depression since high school and it has only gotten worse since having post-partum depression after my kids were born. Most days I am fine and I am my hardworking, happy self. But some days I just shut down and I am not capable of doing much of anything. Each time this happens my husband tries his best to be by my side. He holds me for however long it takes for me to open up and talk about what's wrong. It's not easy. I know it isn't for him, or me either. But we make it work.
My long term SO hasn’t turned me in for a newer model yet lol But in all seriousness. It’s just being quarantined together with someone 24/7 for the past 3 months and we can be ourselves around one another and it just feels weirdly easy to just mesh. Not perfectly but the stuff that we clash about it trivial in the bigger picture
Not married but she listens and cares. I don't know how many people really do, but she does. And on top of that does those things for /to me. 10/10
We talk about everything. We are incredible open with one another. We are married with kids and we put each other above everything else. An example of a very difficult time was my husband originally went to pick our engagement rings and his sisters found out. They staged an intervention and told him it would be the biggest mistake of his life. It was a few rough months for us and he defended me against them. He stood up for us and our relationship to his sisters who he just thought the world of at the time. He put me first. We are together 11 years now and married for 5 now.
He supports me and encourages me in everything I do. At the very beginning of our relationship, I was in a bad working/financial situation: minimum wage at a very expensive city, and barely managed to pay rent. He helped me financially with no strings attached. I think he paid my rent for 3 or 4 months, and he never said a word about paying him back (before living together). Almost 4 years later, and we are now married, I paid him back all the money he ever lent me, I'm clear of all debts, and have a good and amazingly paid job. But bigger than all this, he always said I could do it. I was a good worker, with a good cv, i would find something better, to not give up hope, and that he was there for me. Feeling I had someone at my back, no matter what, is the biggest thing he ever did for me. He improved my self-worth, and confidence. Besides that, we talk. Communication is key in our relationship, anything that needs to be talked about, is talked about. Being it kids, house, money , work, etc. And we are honest, we lie or try to omit something. I feel we are two in this relationship, and not just me. He puts as much effort as I put. That being said, we do have different personalities, so we once in a while crash. And we have the habit of treating the other one, the same way we ate being treated, ie, if we are arguing, and he starts raising his voice, I do the same. He seems to realize how he's talking, and calms down. Same thing with me. At our wedding, we had a situation that was making him explode. He was almost yelling at everyone, and I grabbed him by the hand, and calmly took him outside for 10 min to talk calmly, and to assure him that it was going to be solved, and that I was going to solve it. He deflated like a ballon once I assured him I was there for him, solving this issue that was stressing him.
He has always been emotionally receptive on my emotional well-being, even when we were just friends. He just always knew what I was exactly feeling, even when I had no idea myself. I was in a pretty toxic long-term relationship prior to us being together that stifled my openness about communication and vulnerability. I also came from a "no nonsense" household that was only about expectations and exceeding them tenfold without complaint. With my wonderful BF, he took the time and patience to sit me down and just let me talk about whatever was bothering me, whether it be something he did that frustrated me or to just vent about how inconsiderate my family was being with my own needs. Slowly, I began to understand my emotions and put them into words, not only through text message but to actual verbalize them out loud, something that I struggled with for years. Even with us being in a LDR, he makes me feel that my emotions matter. That I matter. And that I will always be loved.
He makes me laugh so hard I have to clench my legs so that I don’t pee myself. He doesn’t bail when things get hard, I know no matter what I can depend on him. He’s the first person I want to share news with (good, bad, boring).
Her unwavering support of me and my goals no matter how fucking stupid I am sometimes. Her encouragement of me to do what’s best for me, even if whatever it is isn’t most convenient for her. The way she calms me down when my anxiety strikes. The sex. I’m not beating around the bush on this one. How supportive she is of me when I have to work late. I’m in a profession where I have two times a year that are extremely busy, lasting about 3 months a piece, with the intensity ramping up in the last month. During those times (mostly the last month) I come home and dinner is on the table, she cooks every night and cleans up and doesn’t make me do anything so I can get my work done (I do my best to make up for it the rest of the year). My single colleagues struggle during those times of the year. How she rarely if ever unfairly criticizes me, even during arguments.
Married 9 years, we take time to cuddle in bed each morning before starting our day. I get up an hour before my wife and when her alarm goes off I always find time to go cuddle her for a few minutes. It makes my heart feel whole.
She is the reason I come home every day. Marriage isn't that easy honestly, but it's not that hard either. I lift her up when she is down,and she does the same for me. Do we fight? O hell yes we do. Is it ever the end? No! I know I have my soul mate when she has left to go visit her parents,and for the first hour I'm pretty jazzed that I have some free time to myself. But after a little while all I want is for her to be with me at home. When my MILhad an aneurysm,that was hard,it was so fucking hard on her she lost a huge part of her mom due to brain damage. And I didn't know if I would be able to help her through it. But I we made it through with patience and forgiveness for things said during arguments. Hope it helps
I am the source of my own feelings and my S.O. is a magnifier of my positive feeling and helps me manage and understand my negative feelings. He definitely has a lot to do with how I feel but I am the source of my feelings in some way and I trust him to never intentionally cause something negative to my person. This trust took a long time to build but it's this trust that our relationship is built. Though as far as in the moment things go, the absolutely biggest thing that makes me feel accepted is when we are goofy together. The lack of any hint of embarrassment while doing something totally silly is an amazing feeling. When we don't quite see eye to eye, we pause the actual conversation and repeat what we think we heard the other say and why it sounded that way. Then the other person reframes what they were trying to say to clarify any miss communication. Normally we get slightly off track after a communication miss fire. Some times a negative feeling happens about the other but we talk about it in a team work sort of manner. "Hey when you did x I felt like y". Then we try to correct for it and monitor how the correction goes.
He is on the list of people I have scary thoughts about (occasionally) something terrible happening to (siblings, parents, kids and friends are also on this list). I know that sounds horrible but I only have those intrusive thoughts about people I love deeply. This next thing I’m not sure is very common, but to me it was a tell tale sign he was the one. Every (serious) boyfriend before my husband, I would have anxiety dreams about getting married to them. These dreams actually started the break up process. With my husband, I had the opposite dreams. Happiness and elation that we are getting married. I still have lots of sex dreams about him (been together 11 years, married almost 6). We make each other laugh. I am always catching myself smiling when I am around him. This tells me I am truly happy. He is always thinking about me and I try to do the same for him although I will admit he is better at being thoughtful. Small things like replenishing my fave foods, filling my gas tank, taking care of the kids when he knows I’m tired. He flirts with me still. I wear slinky clothes around the house to get his attention and then I tease him a little which I know he likes. We have fun together after kids are asleep. Something we went through early on in our relationship was actively learning how to communicate. His style was not acceptable to me bc he would yell and scream and/or silent treatment me when we would get upset. I didn’t feel like I had the space/opportunity to let him know how I was feeling. We fought so much with explosive arguments. He finally began to understand his childhood shaped how he dealt with issues and how it is not appropriate. We developed and agreed on boundaries for arguing. We are to remain respectful with our tone and body language. We are allowed to request the other to stop raising their voice, and no more silent treatment. I can honestly say we rarely ever have lasting or escalated arguments now. We just communicate so much better. What he needed me to do is give him space for a brief period while he collects his emotions and thoughts (this is few and far between now). Now when we argue, it’s more constructive and fair. This was really fun to write and reminds me of a lot of the things I love about my husband, hope this helps!!
Attempts to understand each other, including different love languages and MBTI etc and accepting them! Allowing each other to enjoy the things we enjoy. Spending time together but also giving each other space to do our own thing. Respect for our privacy. For both of us, we have passwords on our phone due to our jobs... and information that may be on there. We know each other’s passwords in case we need someone’s phone number or if someone’s camera would be more appropriate for a certain picture but both agree our YouTube stuff is off limits to each other. Little attempts to spoil each other. Knowing that we will always accept each other’s quirks.
He always compliments me when I’m feeling insecure, out of the blue without knowing how I’m feeling. I never feel lonely when he’s around. We accept each other unconditionally and never hold on to resentment. He pushes me to love myself as much as he does.
I get terrible migraines and jaw pain and have been trying to sleep on my back to see if it helps, and he literally repositions me throughout the night to put me back how I started and try to lessen my pain. Shortly after he moved in, we had a scare and thought my cat was lost, and my panic really stressed her out. That entire night he went downstairs every time he woke up and checked on her so as soon as I woke up he could assure me she was right there and fine and happy. Noting that he wakes up often throughout the night due to HIS excruciating pain makes it even more sweet of him. I just always feel happier with him than without him. I'm a severe introvert and have never been able to be around ANYONE for more than a couple hours without being exhausted and sick of them. But I figured out I have an exception, which I didn't think was possible. I'm with my SO 24/7 and it's not even enough. He's just my best friend and I can't believe I found him. We have always talked about everything and put all of our cards on the table and it's just such an insanely healthy relationship I can't believe it 😂
My husband (married 4 years) always holds me when I cry. He doesn't usually say anything either but let's me feel the feels and go through the emotions. A few months ago I was really anxious and having a bit of a meltdown. He sat me down and wrapped me in a blanket, fetched one of our baby chicks and handed it to me to pet. This was exactly what I needed. I sat there and pet the chick revelling In the idea that my husband knew exactly what I needed.
I miss him desperately when he’s gone. Even after 15 years, when we get home from work I’ll tell him I missed him. He is just the person I want to be around, to talk to, to hear about his day and his thoughts. I want to make him happy, and I love knowing that he’s my person to lean on. The guy has my back no matter what. It is one of the indisputable truths in my life, just as I have his.
The smallest things are the most joyous. Waking him up and seeing that perfect, precious smile as he pulls me down for a kiss. Its something i wouldn’t trade. Or when he gets home from work and i run into his arms. That embrace and the love in his grip makes me feel so incredibly loved and happy.
I posted this in the marriage subreddit not too long ago, pretty much sums it up for me: https://oauth.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/g7ntvu/foo/fojov1o My wife and I have been together for 27.5 years and this is exactly how I would describe our feelings. We’ve been through some therapy to deal with some unhealthy codependency - but I can honestly say that we are still madly in love with each other. We often tell each other: “no place I’d rather be”. My theory is that people stay (happily) married for the long haul because the alternative is unacceptable. Also, if you get to be married to your best friend and still have fun- that is my ideal life ( just this morning, she and I were playing off each other and laughing our heads off - I love that woman). You are one of the lucky ones, enjoy it! Edit: of course we have ups and downs, and bad times. However, our love is the consistent and the driving force in both our lives.
Respect. Loyalty. Forgiveness. Unconditional love. Communication. And...He works SO hard all the time. There is not an ounce of laziness in him. He’s interactive with me and our kids and sacrifices so much for us.
I believe our relationship and the way we connect comes from the very fact we had both previously been in very toxic and abusive relationships in the past. We connected in such a way that two broken people do and learn how to build each other up from the very bottom. We support one another, if one is unhappy say at a job - the other will ask what do you want to do? if the other wants to leave said job, then they have the support to do so. We rarely fight, and when I say rarely - I mean *rarely.* The last 4 years we've been together we've had one fight, and it was over something that was rather serious. We did make a promise in the beginning, that if we ever got into a heated argument we would walk away for 12 hours and then come back to the discussion with a clearer head. And that was what we did, it worked. Communication, support and knowing that no matter what goes down you have that person fighting in your corner for you and you are doing the same for them.
No secrets, and always tell the truth - even if it may hurt or be something you don't want to hear. We've been together 16 years and married 14. She accepts me for who I am and my many flaws. I accept her for who she is and what few flaws she may have. If I'm away without her and I'm having fun, I immediately think I wish she were here to experience whatever it is I am experiencing.
Regardless of how I'm feeling when I'm with her I am happy and relaxed. We can disagree with no yelling or hard feelings. We communicate about everything. We have the same core values. We don't always like the same thing (example she's into video games I'm in lifting) but we both support each others hobbies. We both defend eachother to our families. We push eachother to do better. She is just the perfect person for me.
I would have to say first and foremost, each partner has to be able to happy independently and and in a healthy place. This is key. Or at least REALLY working on that. Second... for me. I was a widow when we met. With that, comes a whole bunch of things you have to maneuver through the first couple of years. Fears, pain, guilt etc. I was blessed with a partner who ALWAYS loves me where I'm at. He loves me so deeply and unconditionally that I in turn, love myself more, just from seeing myself through his eyes. He supports me in everything I do, every hobby that peaks my interest (and I do this often! lol) and will listen to things that interest me, as if they interest him. He has supported me so much, that I went from someone who felt lost in the world in a career that I settled for with little college completed, to today and now have multiple certifications, degrees and am happier with my experiences, career and life. I'm LIVING MY DHARMA. He is conscious-centered and engaging in every way. We move everyday with intention and respect. We always create a safe space for each other to express freely without anger or judgement and listen to hear, not to respond. Add all of this with an amazing, safe, experimental and passionate sex life... and voila... magic. Everyday we choose each other. We cook together, laugh together, and truly 'see' one another. When two people MAKING THE EFFORT, beyond dating years and into marriage and beyond, you find what works for you both. You meet each others needs in such equal and level ground that it doesn't allow resentment, dishonesty etc. Create what you want your relationship to be. TALK TO EACH other about what that feels like, looks like etc. Best of luck!!! Dr. Z
I once had a dream where he died and I just wept and thought about how I would never get to hold his hand again. I woke up crying and ran into his office (he works early) and he dropped everything and let me sit in his lap and comforted me. It was a silly dream but he still showered me with love. He just has a way of showing me that I’m important to him.
We’ve been through decades together and I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I look into his eyes and see love and life. We have had some tough times and when I mentioned divorce one time, the hurt, shock, and devastation on his face showed me that what we have is something worth always fighting for. I’m not going to sugar coat it and say it has always been easy. It hasn’t, but it also hasn’t always been tough. It’s an ebb and flow and we’ve had many, many more good times than we’ve had bad ones so far.
Lurker with a decade old relationship here, so I'm not sure if it's considered long enough but will try. > Please could you share the things in your life that lets you know without a doubt that you are happy, that you are loved and appreciated deeply? What does your partner do or not do that makes you feel whole and complete? It's the little things. Coffee or breakfast in bed; getting a tea or snack randomly just because; being taken care of while sick; Having a good meal served to you just because they appreciate you; Not being able to fall asleep if your partner is missing. Thinking about your partner randomly throughout the day or them letting you know about it. > When you don’t see eye to eye, how do you overcome those times? Good communication and mutual respect is mandatory. We see each other as complete equals and it's always been like that; We don't avoid conflict when problems arise and as such we never built unspoken resentment. If there's a problem we discuss it first chance we get - when we're both rested and well; We take each others perspective into account and compromise where we need to; We establish boundaries when we need to and make them known without hesitation. > If you don’t mind sharing, what was something very hard that you went through together and how did you get through it? I would say we both went through a hard childhood and as such we both have a lot of issues to deal with now as adults - including on and off depression; Supporting each other through hard times and trying to better ourselves individually is the way we're tackling things. > What are some things that are not ideal in the relationship, big or small - how unhappy do they make you overall and how do you deal with them? They are irrelevant and/or temporary in the grand scheme of things; We deal with them by talking about them and having patience until they pass.
Thirty plus years together. I’m plain, at best, (but with great hair!). When he tells me I’m beautiful, I believe him.
He is understanding, patient, kind, empathic and selfless. He makes me feel like the only person in his universe. At the end of the day he always picks me over other things. Instead of going out for beer with his coworkers he would rather come home and have a drink with me while we cook the kids dinner. I’m the same way. He is my universe and my best friend. He’s the only person I fall asleep thinking about and wake up thinking about. We just celebrated 17 years together and it doesn’t even feel like that long.
We speak with complete honesty. I tell him that I love him every singke day but that I don't always like him because my emotions are based on a single day, my love is based on 15 years of support, validation of each other's feelings, and above all deep respect. He's also my biggest supporters hen it comes to all my little eccentricities. I respect his views and we apologize to each other when we feel like there's been a misunderstanding. He's my absolute best friend, the person I can be 100% myself with and not ever feel like I have to be ashamed of my weirdness. As parents we're a team and although we do know we don't always agree on every topic, our union as parents is important. I tell him that I dont need him, but I want to be with him and honestly, we've only grown stronger as the years go by. We're not perfect nor do we pretend to be but he understands me on all fucking levels. He makes me laugh more than anyone in the world and I ways miss him when he's not home. He's always tuned in to my needs and although he's not always vocal about his love he definitely shows it when it counts.
When she nourishes and loves our kids. Pretty happy
It's the first relationship I've had that moved past feeling and into knowing. We don't always feel head over heels. Sometimes there's a disconnect. In past relationships, that would've been enough for me to leave. What's the point if they're not making you feel good all the time right? But something just clicked this time and it became a knowing...even in the not knowing. He knows how to give me room to feel one thing (anger, jealousy, needing space) and believe another (love, encouragement, wholeness). There's, of course, countless things he does that go above and beyond. But I just think there's something powerful in the knowing. It is the most consistent thing I've ever known.
My husband looks at me with so much love. Little things I do, even hugging and kissing him makes him might up, and it makes my heart so happy. I've never felt so loved and accepted in my life, I'm still trying to wrap my head around how lucky I am.
No matter how upset we get or are sure we are right in a disagreement, we never say things to try and hurt. That might sound little but after watching my parents, I know how tempting and destructive it is to lash out and hurt. Find someone who never even wants to hurt you emotionally. Not even when mad
Once, I forgot my keys for closing up the restaurant where I worked. My husband was at a party with friends and I called him because I needed him to bring me the keys as I couldn't leave the place unlocked. I must have sounded more panicked than I felt because he just hung up on me only to call me back a minute later to say he had just left the party without saying goodbye and was jumping into a taxi - he didn't even know what I needed, just that I needed him. That's when I knew he'd always have my back, no matter what.
Married 20 years here. We don't need to spend every second together and have our own interests but also have things we like to do together. We do little things for each other all the time like making cups of tea for each other when we make one for ourselves, we always ask about each others day,and if one of us is sick the other makes sure they are taken care of until they feel better. Lots of hugs and kisses, we hold hands when we walk around town, we tell each other the things we like about each other regularly, and we tell the other when one of us is upset about something and talk it out. Communication is the main thing first and foremost, both of you need to be able to compromise sometimes,as well as having your own space and time to yourself. Being with each other every second of the day can become very suffocating and you can lose who you are.
We share a sense of humor. Even going grocery shopping together is fun because we get to do it together. Day to day errands feel like a fun date. We argue sometimes but we never feel resentment afterwards and we talk it out an use our disagreements to understand each other better. He’s so smart and we have the best conversations about life, politics, whatever and lose track of time sitting on the porch talking. It’s less about being “in love” and more about being absolute best friends if that makes sense.
He supports me so so much, in everything. I'm a very insecure person but he always reassures me that i am capable of the things i want to do. I also have social anxiety so some everyday things can be hard for me, he always supports me and helps me with everything. He's the most kind and caring person i know. We've been living together for 3 years and both work from home so we spend alot of time together and i never get sick of him. He's my favourite person.
I'm extremely fortunate to be in a solid, happy, loving marriage, and I can say that there are multiple factors behind it. I will try to answer your questions in the order asked. So first of all, the things in my life that let me know w.o a doubt that I am happy in my marriage and that I am loved and appreciated deeply are: his care for the things I care deeply about, his compassion towards me when I am low or my heart hurts, his actions in picking up the slack whenever I am unable to carry my weight, his constant reassurance (after I told him at the very beginning of dating that I like to hear reassurance daily (whether through a kind word or encouragement etc), his devotion to our animal kids, him showing me respect in many different ways each and every day (such as always checking w me about scheduling and asking for my opinion). These things also make me feel whole and complete, bc they show that I have a true partner by my side who values me as the person that I am and is willing to be there through the highs and the lows. When we don't see eye to eye, we always show the other person that we are not trying to fight against them by refraining from personal attacks or pinning blame. We communicate that we are just voicing our own perspective, we check ourselves when needed and calmly try to explain that perspective, and we each take the time to actually acknowledge what the other said even if we disagree. We do not throw insults, ever. If I am being a jerk, my husband will kindly but firmly point it out, and 9 times out of 10 I will recognize that he is right and I readjust my attitude. Once again, WE DO NOT THROW INSULTS, EVER. Something difficult we went through (not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but was difficult for us at the time nonetheless) was planning our wedding. I did not want one but he did, so I agreed to it, while also studying for my professional license exam, recovering from some emotionally turbulent times, and learning to communicate to his mom that I am not a child to be ordered around (she's a lovely lady, but we inevitably butted heads re the wedding). I was having a very difficult time emotionally handling all the stress, and he didn't speak up for me a couple times when I really could have used it. I explained all this to him ad nauseum, and over time he came to understand where I was coming from and he made changes in order to always have my back going forward. None of this would have been possible to get through as smoothly if it wasn't for crystal clear communication devoid of attacks or insults. I can't think of anything that's "not ideal" atm, though we are human so of course those things exist. Bottom line is: show respect and kindness, communicate openly and honestly without being overly blunt or hurtful, be fair and show them gratitude (a heartfelt "thank you" goes a long way), and reciprocate the love given. Sorry this is so long, but I hope it was insightful in any small way.
We've been married for 40years and and I still can't help but break out in a smile every time I think of her. I just couldn't imagine my life without her.
Married for 15 years. We went through a lot, and still every day I have the feeling he's the best thing that ever happened to me, and vice versa. I think it is because we genuinely like and adore each other, and we taught each other how to trust.
In every way he can, he makes sure he does everything he can to make sure I’m the most comfortable. I don’t drive much so he would leave Uber gift cards in the house for me when he’s away for work. Then he would call me to look out our door and there will be food. Turns out he ordered me my favorite foods through UberEats and asks the driver to leave it out our door.....he did this every single day he was away for work🥺. I told him I wanted to start digital drawing and he immediately got me an iPad to practice 🥺 He supports me with my dreams and encourages me to pursue my goals. After every meal, he tells me to relax on the couch and he brings me coffee even when I don’t ask🥺. (I love coffee after meals) Then he gets our pillows/blanket from upstairs and tucks me in so we can have a netlfix marathon. 🥺 The best part is the way we communicate. We consult each other over every thing because we’re a team. We help each other out. We have been together almost 8 years and we still look forward to seeing each other all the time and talking about our day even though we live together 🥰 He makes me the happiest♥️
Been married for 5 years now. I honestly have so many reasons why he makes me happy. I think the thing that makes me happiest is when I hear my husband laugh and see his smile. Also, sometimes I want to take a nap and he will come into the bed with me just so he can cuddle with me until I fall asleep. I love him so much.
We met at 13 and became inseparable best friends. At 18 we started dating and now we’ll be married for 10 years next august. We always had a special connection that stemmed from being genuine friends before dating but getting married young wasn’t without its share of problems. We are both very open to talking about our problems and needs. When something has hurt my feelings I share it with him immediately and he is receptive to listening and truly acts to change any behavior that is damaging to the relationship. He is very uplifting and makes sure that I know how much I’m loved and appreciated every day with acts of service. I think one of the biggest things I appreciate about him is that he tells me how much he respects my opinion and frequently asks me for advice in his daily life. Feeling and knowing that I’m an integral part of his life and that my thoughts and feelings are meaningful to him is a different level of respect. We have never had a fight. (Hear me out) Although we are very similar in nature, he is an avoider of confrontational encounters and I am the opposite. Because he is deescalatory, this has allowed one partner to remain calm if I am ever in a heated state and we actually work through issues much quicker without ever having to escalate to an argument status. I know this isn’t something that a couple can control but I know that both parties have to be willing to let their guard down when an issue arises otherwise it will result in one or both becoming defensive. We grew up watching our parents hide resentments in their marriages that led to deep bitterness and unhappiness and we collectively decided to never let that happen. The success in our marriage comes from our genuine desire to fix anything and everything that’s broken. We set our defenses aside and listen to each other’s grievances with a willingness to learn and change. I never tire of his company and I’ve cherished the years we’ve spent learning from and growing with each other. For these reasons I know that we’re soul mates.
That my wife tolerates my geeky hobbies (video games and Plastic Model building) and still buys me some as gifts and I know she really doesn't like them. Also, that we can get in a pretty good yellinhg match and be fine a few mns later. It's totally normal to fight. Don't bottle it up. But don't make personal attacks either.
Married 28 years, together for 35 years. Say I am having a bad day, she knows and comes over (without saying a word) and gives me a big hug -- and she is a great hugger. We do not go to bed angry. We always kiss each other good night and talk about any disagreements that we have and we do not raise our voices to each other. Tough times: The death of my father (expected) and the death of her brother (unexpected and relatively young) were very tough times. Also, lost 3 good friends in 2014 (all young) -- that was tough for us. We gave each other space and did a lot of non-sexual intimate things, like holding hands and cuddling. Not ideal things: she is messy and I am clean. We actually joke about it all the time!
Because we got a divorce 2 years ago after 20 years. Then we got back together 1 year ago because the year we spent apart was awful.
All the answers make me want to die single, I don’t ever want to rely on someone else to this degree
You don't rely on them, they're there in addition to your own capability and self-reliance. My partner and I would be totally fine on our own. Together, we've built a kick-ass life together in a really nice house. On our own, we were living in apartments that were just ok. We have different strengths and the total is greater than the sum of its parts. She's really good at fixing things, I'm good at organizing and planning. She's good at decorating, I'm good at optimizing. Together we can handle pretty much anything life throws at us, we can do it cheap and we can do it in style. Plus we love each other or whatever.
Yeah but I mean, they support and care for nd love u and if they’re gone you won’t have that any more. It’s better to live in the bliss of ignorance than to suffer in the knowledge of what you’re missing out, isn’t it?
If she died, then I'll be back where I was. Plus I'll have good memories and a nice house. That's a net gain. Unless you mean divorce. I'm divorced, too. It sucked for a little while, sure, but I don't regret my first marriage either. It taught me a lot about myself. It wasn't really a big gain, but it wasn't a net loss either. There are good memories there. Divorce doesn't instantly invalidate everything that happened with your ex.
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Anal sex. True story
As a reference, I've been married for 14 years, together for 16, have 4 joint kids. We got married comparatively young, even if we both were and are atheists. Q: Please could you share the things in your life that lets you know without a doubt that you are happy, that you are loved and appreciated deeply? A: I've suffered from continuous melancholia/mild depression since I was in my early teens, so I don't feel much happiness in general. I do get satisfaction from work, my kids and a few dear hobbies that I can barely fit in my schedule. I know that my partner appreciates me deeply, because she does a lot to enable my work and if I feel sick or tired, she often does extra things for me. At times I do wonder if she still loves me, since she rarely says that she does, but does like to hug me and kiss me which'll have to do. Q: What does your partner do or not do that makes you feel whole and complete? A: I've entertained the thought in my head how my life would be if she wasn't around and the answer is absolutely miserable and daily life would become almost impossible overnight. I don't know if she, or anyone or anything, can make me feel "whole", but I also don't feel like I wasn't that. Q: When you don't see eye to eye, how do you overcome those times? A: We've had a lot of difficult times and we tend to argue through opinional differences to overcome them. It helps that both of us know plenty of miserable divorces and hence are more inclined to stick together by default than go that route. Q: If you don't mind sharing, what was something very hard that you went through together and how did you get through it? A: The most recent thing happened 6 months ago when she started complaining about the lack of sex. I very grudgingly eventually admitted that it was because I've never been attracted to overweight women and she has been overweight for most of our marriage. I had problems admitting this, because she wasn't even obese, and I felt I was shallow for losing my interest in her for this reason. She got very angry and sad at first, but then admitted to having binge eating issues, went on a diet that she has mostly followed and has since lost 15 pounds and will probably be no-longer overweight a few months down the road. I feel super happy that she's doing this all essentially for me and totally recognize that it may be the hardest thing she's ever done for me and this includes moving on a different continent, learning a new language and giving birth 4 times. Q: What are some things that are not ideal in the relationship, big or small - how unhappy do they make you overall and how do you deal with them? A: Me being so melancholic means that we do relatively few things together, because I don't enjoy going to concerts or watching movies. All I pretty much want to do is to work and spend a little bit of time with the kids when I'm not working. What I do for hobbies typically involve only me (sports) or relate to listening to financial news that are almost indistinguishable from my work for the layperson. This doesn't really make me sad; it just makes me feel like an ass and it makes her rather sad at times. Since she's lost weight, I now dislike her shyness the most - for example, she doesn't want to make phone calls or deal with new problems, so I end up doing these things on her behalf.