>Last year, she started working for a company that pays by cheque. I have never seen any of her cheques go through our joint accounts.
Just ask her about it. It's a normal thing to talk about.
My wife has a dormant bank account from before we were married. She mentioned to a friend that she was gonna close it, and her friend was like "no, keep it. It's bolt money that only you control."
My wife thought it was paranoid, but I'm like "nah, that's a good idea. Our relationship is healthy and I think measures that give you more control over your life are good."
To me it's like, do you want someone to be with you because they *want* to be with you, or do you want them to be with you because they're stuck and *can't* leave?
Freedom of choice is always good and healthy in a relationship
Even if your relationship is good, anyone is one brain injury or tumor away from becoming a monster. It sucks to think about, but its the truth. Everyone should have bolt money, because you never know when something unexpected could happen.
my aunt's girlfriend of over a decade (gay marriage wasn't legal yet) had poor credit so everything was put in my aunt's name. she died very suddenly in her mid 50s. she didn't have a will and the benefactor on her life insurance was her littlest sister (a thing the couple talked about).
our family is extremely mormon (i got out). my aunt cleared everything out, all the money, took the girlfriend's truck, took the quilts they had slept under, and the therapy notebooks. my aunt's (disabled) girlfriend had 30 days to get out of their shared home. they cut off the cellphone, home phone, internet, and cable immediately to "save money."
there is absolutely no way my aunt would've expected or wanted her girlfriend to be left destitute and homeless.
there are so many reasons to have money only you control and those reasons often happen on the worst days of people's lives.
Why are the strongly religious usually the most horrible and hateful people?
I mean does your family member really think that God or Jesus wants her to be cruel as shit to a disabled person your other family member loved?!!?!?! What kind of evil God would approve of that?
Yep. Always need a backup plan, a couple really. People think it's paranoid until she hits the fan and then everybody calls you a genius. I can't tell you how many times people have told me one and then immediately changed their mind and called me another after something happened.
My in-laws had joint accounts, but back in the day he would give MIL cash out of his paycheck to cover the household expenses. She did not work. She always acted like they were poor and the kids grew up doing without a lot. Later we found out she was literally hoarding cash under her mattress - close to $100k in a span of 40 years or so. When I think of the low quality food they ate and my SILs being ridiculed for wearing homemade prom dresses it makes me sick. They still suffer as adults from her abuse.
My partner's mum was abused physically and financially. My partner would *never* be abusive to me because of this. However, we both agreed to have GetTheFuckOutOfHere accounts in our own names with several thousand (at least) in the accounts. We also use those secret accounts to buy gifts for each other.
I feel like these measures to protect your loved one from your own future self are some of the biggest acts of trust and love. 'I love you so much that I want to protect you from the chance I will be horrible in the future'.
lol i retained a separate checking account i'd had for years before i got married so that i could use it to buy my husband birthday/xmas/'it's a regular smegular tuesday but i just want to surprise you with something' presents he'd never see coming (on the off-chance he ever checked out our joint account online...which he never did anyway).
I used our old chequing account from another country to actually surprise my wife with some designer brand earrings, and shit is hardly ever a surprise between us. So yeah that makes sense too.
unfortunately my husband had the completely uncanny bizarre ability to be able to guess ahead of time whatever present(s) i decided to give him. drove me absolutely crazy! but i was able to fool him maybe 25% of the time so that always made me happy. but the private checking account at least gave me the *illusion* that he couldn't guess what i had planned. truthfully the only times i thought i'd really & truly surprised him was when i got him/(us) ny yankee tickets but looking back on it, i can't help but wonder if his 'shock' at those presents was really just feigned surprise. damnit!
The only true surprise I've been able to pull off in 10 years of marriage was the new pair of Chanel earrings. We live in a town that doesn't have a Chanel store, so it took some logistics.
What made it a real surprise was that I'm a cheapskate and she didn't expect the level of spend. But every listing I see for these is between $1200 and $1400 used, and they cost $1000 new, so infinite money glitch?
Anyway, glad you managed to surprise him :)
good job on the chanel earrings! i was never a 'jewelry' girl....husband (boyfriend at the time) knew from the very start that if he ever even attempted to give me a diamond engagement ring it would result in an automatic & resounding NO (along with a possible refusal to marry him at all, even though i had been the one to propose marriage in the first place haha), so he had the good sense to buy me (because i'm irish) a Claddagh ring & i swear i cried for fucking days. because when someone really 'gets' you, it definitely hits deep.
IMHO the lady who [explained it better than I could](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1bpdo37/comment/kwviju8/?context=3) made the healthiest comment
I think the bank account and independence is healthy. Hiding it from your partner, taking money without telling them, and not contributing to the shared finances? Not so much.
Sure, probably. There’s also a chance she’s cheating or something like that too and is planning on leaving. There’s not enough context. Whatever it is it’s clear that the relationship is not healthy.
Or its possible OP is irresponsible with money and while there’s nothing she can do to stop him from accessing their shared account, she can at least keep the money she earns safe.
I’m assuming that for the same reason everyone else is assuming - because we don’t really have any information on why she’s keeping a separate account and we can’t conclude that she is wrong or right to do so based on so little i formation. I’m not saying OP is definitely irresponsible with money, I’m giving an alternative the assumption that she’s cheating or planning on leaving. There are a lot of reasons she might be doing this, and they’re not all necessarily nefarious on her part.
Exactly this, especially someone in their 60s that remembers when women were barely allowed to have their own bank account. Just let your partner have some freedom and risk-avoidance of having all their money tied up in joint accounts.
My marriage got so much better when we each got our own personal accounts and then one joint bill-paying account. We only put into joint what is necessary to cover the bills, rest of the money is each of ours. If we want to do something fun together we both put in some of our fun money.
My wife's got an account that had 20k in it when we met 15 ish years ago
She asked if she should merge it in with our finances when we got married and I said no, we don't need it, we've already got our joint account and have started saving together so just keep it. Do whatever you want with it.
I genuinely have no idea what's in there now. Could be empty, could have 50k.
Hope it's got some interest to it. We had a broker who just forgot to invest $60k in cash that was sitting in our retirement account, for a year, during some of the best growth the stock market has ever seen.
I'm a big fan of transparency and dashboards in retirement investments now.
That’s how you blend your pre and post marriage money, and get your asset split in half like a watermelon.
Having an account solely under your name does not make it “yours” during a divorce.
It's true, and anyone with a private account should disclose it because you're right, it's a joint asset. However it still gives you money you CONTROL during the divorce process. No way for your spouse to drain all the money and hide it from you if they don't have joint rights to the account.
Since your a secured grown up. Your marriage will be healthy. Since your wife has no idea why she should keep it even more secured and this is nice to read.
Confront?
Why don't you just ask her, don't make it into a 'warfare.'
Maybe she decided to have 'bolt money?' You did say you have a bad relationship the last 4 years.
Why are you not more concerned about working on your rocky marriage?
There's a lot of missing reasons in this post. Like he goes straight on the attack instead of wanting to talk it out. Also he's not making the marriage his priority but her finances.
There's probably reasons for her to keep this money away from him.
Because some people love money and controlling money more than they do people. OP may just be mad that he’s not being allowed to control a source of income.
True, I think you are right. She made 15k in a year and he kept track of it and her selling 2.5k worth of things. I don't keep that close an eye on what my wife makes nor spends at all? It's her income to do what she wants?
OP's relationship is very controlling and penny pinching seeming.
Or he’s upset because for the past x amount of years his entire check has been deposited into the joint account and now that she’s earning something she keeps it all to herself
Or, crazy idea, more realistically he's wondering why all of a sudden this private account has popped up.
usually when people set up private accounts after 40+ years of marriage, is because they're cheating or because they don't want their partner to know something.
She should have a separate account. And so should you. In case of emergencies or to buy each other gifts. Nothing wrong with that. No need for confrontations.
This. It baffles me that everyone feels the need to combine their finances.
I get it, I really do. But every person who ever got fucked over by their partner in life also had the "it will be fine" mentality.
Every person should have individual control of their money, because it is their money. Have a joint account and pay into it from your individual accounts - all terrible consequences removed and financial freedom enhanced. Win-win.
"our relationship has been rocky" + "she's quick to anger"
The best way to approach it is with a marriage counsellor. Y'all aren't ready to have this convo on your own.
Having some financial independence is wise, especially if your lives are completely enmeshed, and your relationship is unstable.
Rather than focus on preventing her from having a safety net, why don't you try to resolve the issues in your relationship instead?
Or he should start his own bank account and put aside money as well. She could very well clean out all the joint accounts and leave him with nothing if she is secretly planning on leaving.
Exactly. One of my best friends in high school came from a blue collar family and they didn’t really know to take advantage of education-specific accounts. His mom cheated with a guy she met online and drained and “spent” all the money before leaving. His dad had no idea because he never looked at those accounts. The man was working double overtime most weeks and had poured money into savings so that his kids could go to college and he could retire. It’s 20 years later and he’s still working. My friend was completely impoverished during college because he had no help from his parents and could barely get enough loans without a co-signer to pay for tuition, let alone food and rent.
if that was her plan why would she not be storing the money she is currently making in the joint account if she plans on taking it all out anyways when she divorces?
So it’s sounds like she’s just making sure she’s not left with nothing if you guys end. You’re question should be “how could I make my wife feel safe and like she can trust me and that I won’t leave her homeless if we do end” is it bothering you that she has money? I know I’m being judgmental but trying to control the secret account she has is going to make her squuuuirm and run away even faster. You should be asking her why she’s scared of telling the truth instead of why she has money. Let her have her own money. She sounds smart.
Women 101 is have "just in case" money set aside. No matter how amazing a marriage is, you never truly know what will happen in the future. The unbelievable can and does happen.
If this is a recent thing she's doing, she is either concerned about having her own money for retirement, she's saving for something big for 1 or both of you as a surprise. The 3rd is that she is concerned for the future of you both. She may feel you want to leave. She may be concerned about you wanting all of the money in your control. You probably feel somewhat offended or hurt or not trusted by her having this account. She has her reasons for now. She may tell you when she's ready. Don't confront her and make this about her hurting you. Just be patient and see what happens for now, or casually mention you saw it if the conversation goes there. Go for nonchalant, or she may feel defensive.
Whether it's the best possible reason or the worst (hopefully no), just keep being a good and loving husband. Then you know you did all you can
Where did you get your information that a cashed check will show as a deposit then a withdrawal? I've literally never had this happen. Unless you cash a check AT your bank, how would they even connect the check to your account? If you cash it at a check cashing place, they would have no idea.
I work in banking and haven’t heard of this either. Typically if the check is drawn on a different bank it’s cashed by placing a temporary hold against the check casher’s account until the check clears. Once it clears the hold falls off and there’s no record of it. If the check is drawn on the same bank that it’s being cashed at then it’s simply debited from the makers account. It doesn’t affect the check cashers account. I’ve worked at 3 major banks and they all operate this way.
I’m not sure where you live, but in America you can most definitely cash a check at any bank without depositing it into an account first. I would assume that would be in other countries as well. Perhaps she’s saving to divorce you and be able to live on her own. Ask yourself why? It’s not unusual for a woman to keep a separate account, especially if the husband has been the main source of income and it’s her only way out. Good for her.
Did she have any access to any “my money” before now? Or was it all coming into the house under your name?
Confronting isn’t going to work well here. Be truly curious. Whatever is going on, this does suggest there is a lack of trust. If she’s not planning her exit, then you two need a real reset on how you plan for the future together, because right now there is something about that future where she’s not putting her faith in you or this financial partnership.
Yea but it might allow her to have the funds to set herself up in an apartment/put a downpayment on a house and feed herself while that gets hammered out. Presumably, if the marriage ends and he is the breadwinner, he could just stop depositing into that account and she would be fucked pretty quickly. I think I would call it “money she definitely has access to no matter what” rather than “super secret money”.
Women should always have a bank account and other financial things in their name only, especially if they're married.
I've worked in the banking, credit industry long enough to see women get royally screwed over when their husband passes away.
If the wife is the one to die firat, the husband goes along as before, business as usual. But when the husband does first? The wife suddenly has a frozen bank account, credit cards are shut down, loans called in for PIF, you name it. All because the husband was usually the primary on these accounts.
Why, you ask? Because the husband is usually the higher earner, even after retirement and receiving their pension because the wife was either a SAHM who never worked a day in her life or simply had lower earnings because of the disparity in male vs female pay.
INFO: Besides her having a secret account and knowing the relationship is a bit rocky we don't know anything else about the relationship. To get good advice we would need to know at least a little bit of why the relationship is rocky, does she feel like she would have nothing if y'all split, are things rocky because you have been unfaithful or something else you may have done or is it because she was unfaithful or something else she may have done. You say she is quick to anger but no other context. So we could say she is lying or this is just her protecting herself, but without more context it's hard to say if what she is doing is wrong.
As a bank worker, on what planet do banks require you to deposit a check THEN withdraw to cash a check? Most banks have at least a 1 day wait time for checks to clear, so that method wouldn't really make sense anyway especially if you don't currently have that amount in the account. Cashing a check means you give it to the teller, verify your identity, then you get the cash. No record of it on the person's account unless they wrote the check.
I feel like she knows you know she has a job, I feel like she knows you know she gets paid, and I feel like she knows you know that money isn’t going into YOUR account. Where’s the secret?
Leave it alone! It’s 15k. How much do YOU make?
I don’t see an issue with her wanting to have her own money and be financially independent. I think you should ask why you’re feeling bothered about that.
Because its secret....its hidden. If you want to have your own "fun money" you communicate that with your partner. All money is community property in the marriage. This is family money not going to the family pot.
It’s not family money, if it were family money it would go in a joint account and everyone would know about it. This is a personal account for that person’s own personal and individual use, that is nothing new or concerning and doesn’t need to be discussed with your partner who won’t have access to it.
I just have to point out that if someone is in an abusive relationship then it would be very understandable for a person (regardless of gender) to want to have a secret account.
First, we don’t know their relationship and the reasons why she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing to the husband that she has her own money.
Second, If she’s doing her part and contributing with her portion of paying bills/ putting money on join savings, she’s entitled to decide if she wants to communicate what she’s doing with the extra money.
OP saying that he wanted to “confront” her sounds more like being controlling instead of a curiosity of why she’s doing it. If she’s actually doing this to prepare for a divorce, what are the real issues in the relationship that leads her to want that? It seems much more that he’s surprised/bothered that she has a way out than trying to fix their rocky marriage.
Women are often advised to do this to this for their own protection.
Does not seem like something you need to “confront” her about, but perhaps have a discussion with her so you both are on the same page regarding joint expenses.
I’m sorry but I used to work for a few different banks in the US. It isn’t a requirement to deposit the check before cashing it. If the check is drawn off the same bank as where she is cashing it, the funds are verified from the payer account and then the check is cashed if there are enough funds to cover it. So the check is never deposited to your account first in this instance. It can also be cashed right away if you have enough funds to cover the check in your own account. These are just a few of the ways you wouldn’t see the check being cashed.
I never joined bank accounts with my husband. Big purchases we have discussions about financial participation. It’s a lot easier for me to manage bills and whatnot by having my own account that I can balance. I don’t worry about my husbands and he doesn’t worry about mine.
Maybe your concerns are much deeper than a bank account?
So, having separate accounts is one thing. Freedom of choice in a relationship shows a solid foundation.
However, if I'm understanding it correctly, your wife has not disclosed this account to you? As in, she is keeping it secret/hidden?
If that's the case, I'd be concerned. My now ex-wife had been doing the same to me, and I only found out during the divorce to what extent she had taken financial advantage of me. A forensic audit that I paid for uncovered that she had transferred over 80k into that account over 4 years. Left herself perfectly set up to leave me, and when that day came I was left with $1.04 in the joint account.
Ask her whats up - to be fair its better to have both joint and your own accounts, but my husband knows about my personal account. She might be worried / ready to leave, Id def talk with her about it.
We each have our individual bank accounts, and then a joint one for joint expenses. The idea of just one account just because you’re married is absurd to me. It’s really not that hard to set things up to automatically deposit money into a joint account for joint expenses, but everyone has the right to do with the rest of their money what they want.
In my relationship we have seperate finances. We are happy with that.
However in your situation I'd be quite worried that she is planning an exit. Also she is no longer contributing to shared expenses without discussing it with you. That would be red flag.
Good luck
Nothing wrong with separate accounts. Besides, she's not hiding her job and probably assumes u know she is depositing her checks in a separate ac. Who knows, maybe it's a joint account.
Communication is Key! Good luck!
> She made close to 15K last year plus we're missing about 2.5K raised through selling items we no longer needed.
That is absolute chump change. Crikey. Do you control the finances other than this incredibly small amount?
That’s what I’m hung up on too, it’s really not a lot of money, and why is he finding out only now?? He’s also actively known the relationship is rocky for 4 years and is now concerned?? , hm. Idk. My partner found my “bolt money” or whatever (really just extra money I keep for my hobbies?). He asked if I was going to buy him legos with it. He didn’t get all paranoid.
Do you need to confront her about it? It sounds like you have access to the money you need to live off of. It’s doesn’t sound like she’s financially abusing you. Why is it a problem for her to have her own account? I have one. My husband has his own to. It’s good to have some separate accounts.
I think it's normal to have some money separated, but it isn't normal to do so secretly. You haven't talked about this at all in the past year?
I think that if your relationship is at a point where you are afraid to bring this up that's a huge issue in and of itself.
From old postings she has been very abusive to you. Depending on where you are, you can go to the issuing bank or cash the checks. In the US you can go to your bank and cash the check before depositing as it is not immediately available if you just deposit. How much are taxes in your area as 2500 is about 16.5%
Perhaps it good be good to speak as long as you are in a safe situation. Fighting over juice or hitting you with objects is not okay. Sometimes we also need to inventory ourselves in order to figure out what we’ve done. What transpired prior to the 5 years and what prompted her to get a job?
Good for her. Everybody in a relationship should have another account that has some of their own money in it. When I came into my marriage I had 80 thousand dollars in an account that is now wrapped up an investments that my husband cannot access. He knows it and he accepts it and he has one of his own.
In the event of a divorce we both get to keep those accounts and whatever was earned in them to ourselves.
Depending on what financial arrangements a couple has, a secret account is grounds for divorce. Sure, someone can earn money and save it all for themselves. But are they also splitting all the home expenses that are shared in common? Things like food, mortgage payments, repairs, etc. If the individual isn't contributing to any of that, AND puts their money away in a personal account, they are essentially living off their spouse. And what if the one spouse financed the other's education and they never paid them back? Is it fair to withhold money when you are clearly in debt to someone?
That's a pretty serious deception in such a case, and if a court heard about it, they would come down hard.
Spouses with secret accounts are looking for a way out. Or, perhaps, she doesn’t feel the money she is working for needs to be shared in a joint account.
This shouldn't require a "confrontation." You should be able to simply ask "where are your paychecks going; I don't see them registering in our joint account." You deserve that answer.
That's the question I was considering asking. I was looking for some other options because my instinct is not always the best way to approach things with her.
Pull a credit report for you and your wife under the guise of checking for an ID thief. A savings account under your wife's SS should show up.
If so, then ask.
So I’m 29 and the women who raised me, women my moms age, my grandmas age, my GREAT GRANDMAS age all told me the same thing 100 times: you’re allowed to have your own money. Many of us came from times where we were NOT allowed our own money. Protect yourself by always having funds only you can access.
Look, not to make it a men V women thing but like I couldn’t even have a credit card in my name had I been born 30 or so years earlier. Financial freedom is a recent tool for most women.
I don’t think her having a private account is inherently negative. I think her not feeling she can trust you with that information speaks volumes about your current dynamic, and how bothered you are by it without even having a casual chat with her makes it even more understandable as to why she may not mention it to you (and also she sounds like in your experience she’s volatile, so it’s also understate why you’ve asked for advice before addressing it!).
Talk to your wife. Lead with love and understanding, and start working back towards the dynamic (assuming it was love based and healthy) that led you to marry in the first place. Four YEARS is a very long time to be in a rocky place. Consider marriage counseling, it doesn’t t mean you’re failing. Rather, it means you’re committed to getting to know one another again and finding a new and mature love to head into your future years with, together.
This is not the battle you think it is, and frankly it seems like it’s about more deep seated topics than the money itself. Dig into that, do the hard work, find ways to connect again and be vulnerable.
Hello, Teller here.
Not all banks will make you deposit the check first and then withdraw it. If it's her check, and she has enough money in any of her accounts (even if it's all combined) to cover the check, some banks will out right cash it. This is typical standard for a bank.
And if she has a secret account, it's her money. If shes paying her portion of the agreed upon Bill's then why is it an issue?
She could also have other things going on that arent related to you at all. Someone mentioned their spouse having a dormant account from before they were married. If that's the case with your wife then shes taking care of it. She isnt obligated to tell you anything regarding her money.
If you are that worried about it, then just talk to her. If she says it's none of your business then drop it.
If its not hurting you financially then why does it matter?
Bolt money... woman in the comments will justify this disgusting behavior by your "wife". If it's worth her keeping it a secret its worth you taking that money and holding it hostage. The longer you wait for her to put her plan(s) in action the worse you'll get screwed in the end. Take the money first than have a talk with her about it, it does sound "controlling", but if you just let her do whatever you will get the shit end of the stick when its all said and done.
Every wife has a secret bank account. I’ve been happily married over twenty years and I have two. I have zero plans to separate or leave my husband… but I could if I wanted to.
How’s it hiding if she probably knows, he knows, she has a job and doesn’t see those checks being deposited into their joint account.
Hiding would be her NOT having a job and him finding out she has a secret account that she has slowly filled with money FROM their joint account.
Seems to me there’s really no secret.
If you know about the money, it's hardly a secret.
Just ask her if she has opened an account in her own name. It's not unusual for couples to have separate accounts in addition to their joint account.
You can ask her about it but what do you want out of this? Your wife is smart and thinking about what ifs because nothing in life is guaranteed. There’s so many women who are in terrible relationships who desire to leave but can’t because they have no money.
If she's acting normal otherwise and it's not a massive amount of money that would be a betrayal of your financial goals - just don't worry about it. All people you should have a small amount of money possible in an exit fund in case their partner goes crazy. It happens all the time. Husbands and wives cheating on each other , people with substance abuse problems gambling problems, on and on it's a human thing. Having a small bit of protection for yourself is not a problem
Looks like she is planning on leaving you since you mention your marriage has been rocky for the last 4 years. You also mention she is quick to anger, is she in therapy or have any mental conditions?
Well, do you need to? Confront her, I mean.
So she's been putting her own earned money away, or maybe does some online gambling or something, but so long as she's not harming anything, or using the household money for nefarious things, assumably.... just know that's probably what's going on, and leave it at that.
If it ever comes up, you can just reassure her that 'of course you know', and you never had a problem with it, and that it's ok. She's not doing anything wrong.
As you've always been the sole breadwinner, maybe she knows that her behavior in the past has you on edge, and she's afraid you'll ask for a divorce.
Or maybe she's hoping she has the courage to separate, and this is her safety net. That's okay too.
It sounds like things have been tumultuous for a while now, and there's a point when people have been together for so very long, that the idea of separating at your age becomes just so overwhelming. It seems impossible. And sometimes this late in life, it's easier to just live together as companions.
The whole 'can't live with her, can't live without her' thing.
You can treat her as you would a person with Alzheimers, without confrontation, without arguments.... changing argumentative subjects and debates. Have a look into how to manage a person like that, and you may find some coping mechanisms, or.... at least some insight into how to manage your side of the situation.
Group therapy might be interesting for you to explore for yourself, as finding others who are also in a similar situation helps you feel not so isolated and alone. You don't need to do this with her, but do it for yourself. At least some therapy sessions for yourself, if not a group situation.
There's a phrase 'Better the devil you know than the devil you don't'. And this can go both ways for both of you.
It sounds like she knows she can't survive without you, but she also knows that she's making your life pretty much a living hell, and is afraid that you'll pull the plug on your life together. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sometimes you think that It's a joint decision when you are actually the one really making them. I've seen it happen where a family friend only talked about "our money", but whenever the wife wanted something he didn't it was "superfluous " and when he wanted something she didn't she was being annoying and "he worked for the money".
No idea about your situation obviously, but historically men as the bigger breadwinner (and often by extension less of child/homecare person) think the "our money" should be used as he sees fits. This makes the dependant (often the woman) sometimes want their own little thing for security, as they're often fucked with their pension of the husband leaves thus causing power imbalance.
Is it easy for her to take money out of the joint account for her own random purchases?
One of my friends has a secret bank account which she seriously just uses to buy clothes and shoes. Because her husband kind of shames her for taking money out of their joint account to buy fancier things for herself.
I think it's pretty sad to have to go to that extent. My husband and I have our own personal accounts and one joint account. Mostly so we can buy clothes or tacos or whatever without asking the other person for permission.
Well, she's doing it now, so if the accounts where your money does into are *all* joint you might wanna open a separate one just in your name (ideally different bank too) and move a sum more or less equivalent to her "private" money into it.
I have a secret bank account and multiple investments too. Which is basically a nest egg for future & vault for a rainy day. My partner is not aware of this. I don’t think setting aside some money for yourself is never a bad thing. If your partner finds out just express need for keeping it a secret. Also since she is short tempered just bring it up in a judgmental/confrontational way would only push her away.
As a woman,growing up my mum always told
me to have a bank account or money stash that my husband didn’t know about..it’s get away money and every woman needs it…Now I’m a mother myself and tell my children the same thing.
If your wife has secret money, it’s usually for a reason. Approach her about it if you want to. Explain you just want to know what’s going on,is everything ok etc. a good relationship means no secrets. Good luck mate.
Don't confront her at all. It's a totally normal thing to have your own account, especially if they take a lot of time off work to raise young children. Don't take it personally, our mom's and grandmother's all had one and encouraged us to keep ours
>Even if you cash a cheque at a bank, they deposit it first and then you can withdraw the money
No, not how that generally/necessarily works.
E.g. often one can go to (branch of) bank check is drawn on, and cash the check there - even if one doesn't have an account there.
>Should I confront her about this
Well, you could always ask her.
>She's quick to anger and I'm concerned about her reaction
Well, then you already got problems. Maybe y'all should work on that.
Maybe she's secretly saving up to buy you a surprise vacation or a fancy gift. Or maybe she's just being financially smart. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt for now. But definitely have a calm and open conversation with her about your concerns. Trust and communication are key in a relationship. Good luck!
Why do you need to confront her about having an account? Do you need to access the money for your shared home? Or do you just want control? I ask because if it’s the latter you need to check yourself she is an autonomous being and can have a life outside of you and your marriage.
Unfortunately, this is a reality for women that keeps us safe. What do you mean, your relationship has been rocky? How much have you contributed to that? (I only ask because you mention your wife is quick to anger, so we already know she's playing a part).
I don't think there is anything wrong with women keeping themselves safe and cared for, when they can easily be taken advantage of during a seperation. In fact, everyone should be doing this - But historically and statistically, women are more vulnerable in this situation and are shit out of luck if they have to flee an abusive situation.
My wife gave up her personal bank account, but I told her she could keep it. I thought it was a good idea, if one account is compromised you still have a fall back being just one of the benefits.
The difference is, she never hid it from me. Can you imagine if something happened and you never knew. If she keeps it for peace of mind in case the relationship goes south, then let her have that. If divorce ever did happen, it would still be included as part of the martial asserts.
My biggest concern would be why she felt the need to hide it from you. That might be worth a talk. I'd let her know the account is a good idea, but why hide it?
If you can't stand the idea of separating accounts, maybe you don't trust your partner enough to be married in the first place?
Are y'all in debt? Unable to make ends meet? Then bring it up.
I'll say this succinctly and in simple words that you can understand:
It's *none of your business* if your wife has a separate account from yours. Maybe she doesn't want you to have control of every aspect of her life. Or maybe she wants some financial security that doesn't depend on your ability to provide.
All women should have a separate account with their own money they have 100% control in. your wife is not "hiding" anything from you, this is a very common thing women are told to do from our mothers and grandmothers. My mom tells this story about when she was at the bank in the 90's because she lost her debit card, and the bank would NOT give her a replacement without my father's signature. It was a joint account (AKA an "OR" account and not an "AND" account). Things are not the same for women and we need to protect ourselves, even in the happiest of marriages.
I firmly believe each spouse should have their own set-aside account at a separate bank because you never know what the future holds. My SO knows I have one, it's from long ago, but doesn't ask me about it.
You say your marriage has been “rocky” these past few years. So I think that she’s not optimistic, and is saving $$ for a possible exit. You two need to talk and find out if the marriage could be salvaged through honest communication/counseling (discuss what made the marriage rocky), or if she’s already “done,” and just biding her time before she files.
Why are you more interested in confronting her about having a separate banking account, rather than fixing your marriage that’s been troubled for years?? A lot of couples have both shared and separate accounts. Why does it bother you that you don’t have access to one of hers?
Also confront and trying to calm her out on it isn’t the way to go. Can’t you just nicely ask about it?
15k for the entire year and ur pocket watching her ? Aren’t u ashamed lol I could see why the relationship is at odds even at this big ass age men are still pitty full and shameful
What is the real issue with her earnings going into her own private account? Honestly?
Is it that she's not being up front about doing it?
Is she currently controlling your finances while keeping her money separate?
Are you worried about her using the money to leave you, or it not being considered in the event of a divorce?
Do you feel you should have access to her money since she had access to yours for so many years?
What is the actual root of your issue with her not telling you where she's putting her money?
It honestly sounds like she's readying herself to stand on her own two feet, reentering the work force, establishing her own funds, possibly figuring out how to restart her life alone.
I'm guessing her view of the years of marriage you described would be very different from her perspective.
If you want to have a discussion about what she's thinking and planning, an open question would be your best approach. Something like, I noticed you aren't putting your earnings into our joint accounts, is there a particular reason for that? And just listen to what she has to say, or if she doesn't want to talk about it let it be. If she's planning to leave you, you can't make her stay or tell you that's what she's planning. Your best approach may be a "let her" one. She's going to do what she's gonna do, so let her.
You say things have been bad for 4 years, it's ultimately not unreasonable for her to be creating a contingency plan by this point if things aren't improving.
I imagine someone already said this somewhere, but she could be cashing her checks as cash. If only cashing one check under $2k (or whatever the limit for your bank); it wouldn't necessarily show as a credit-then-deduction if I'm understanding you correctly.
Confront her? Hmm, kind of an intense word to use here, I think. Maybe have a conversation with her first. Starting with something like, “hey, if you have the time, I’d like to have a conversation with you about something” might be good.
To also mention, if the nature of your relationship has been on the rocks the last 4 years, maybe this decision to make a separate bank account makes sense to her; if a relationship is falling apart or out of security, it’s best to protect yourself and your finances.
To be fair a lot of what a man views as “talking it out” many women can take that as “confrontational” which in and of itself can be a negative depending on the person involved. People who have a habit of avoiding conflict (my gf) can make it very frustrating to talk about things. So preface it with a soft approach is my advice before talking or asking her about it. Also my nursing side kicks in, aka ask open ended questions and WAIT for a response. She’s much more likely to spill enough beans if you just ask “hey baby, I noticed you have a private account” and see what she says.
Straight forwardly.
"Hey Love, you know I was looking through our bank statement and noticed there were no deposits from your new job. I thought that was a paying gig. Are you volunteering there?"
That should give the opportunity for a conversation.
Are you feeling she should or could be contributing financially towards the household expenses or is she building a personal nest egg prior to divorce?
>Last year, she started working for a company that pays by cheque. I have never seen any of her cheques go through our joint accounts. Just ask her about it. It's a normal thing to talk about.
Yeah bc she might not even have an account. Your check doesn't have to be deposited first if you have matching funds in your account.
It’s a house episode and she’s saving to buy him his dream car, haha
My wife has a dormant bank account from before we were married. She mentioned to a friend that she was gonna close it, and her friend was like "no, keep it. It's bolt money that only you control." My wife thought it was paranoid, but I'm like "nah, that's a good idea. Our relationship is healthy and I think measures that give you more control over your life are good."
To me it's like, do you want someone to be with you because they *want* to be with you, or do you want them to be with you because they're stuck and *can't* leave? Freedom of choice is always good and healthy in a relationship
That basically expresses what sleep deprived me was trying to say. "Do the opposite of red flag shit" is somewhat imprecise, but works.
I think it’s a little different conversation at 60. There’s a bit more nuance later in life.
Even if your relationship is good, anyone is one brain injury or tumor away from becoming a monster. It sucks to think about, but its the truth. Everyone should have bolt money, because you never know when something unexpected could happen.
my aunt's girlfriend of over a decade (gay marriage wasn't legal yet) had poor credit so everything was put in my aunt's name. she died very suddenly in her mid 50s. she didn't have a will and the benefactor on her life insurance was her littlest sister (a thing the couple talked about). our family is extremely mormon (i got out). my aunt cleared everything out, all the money, took the girlfriend's truck, took the quilts they had slept under, and the therapy notebooks. my aunt's (disabled) girlfriend had 30 days to get out of their shared home. they cut off the cellphone, home phone, internet, and cable immediately to "save money." there is absolutely no way my aunt would've expected or wanted her girlfriend to be left destitute and homeless. there are so many reasons to have money only you control and those reasons often happen on the worst days of people's lives.
That's so heartbreaking, I'm sorry for your Aunt.
Why are the strongly religious usually the most horrible and hateful people? I mean does your family member really think that God or Jesus wants her to be cruel as shit to a disabled person your other family member loved?!!?!?! What kind of evil God would approve of that?
It's that they can easily fall back on redemption and forgiveness. God forgives you for literally anything, so religion is a fantastic scapegoat.
Glad you brought this up. I ain't the only one thinking the samething.
Yep. Always need a backup plan, a couple really. People think it's paranoid until she hits the fan and then everybody calls you a genius. I can't tell you how many times people have told me one and then immediately changed their mind and called me another after something happened.
My in-laws had joint accounts, but back in the day he would give MIL cash out of his paycheck to cover the household expenses. She did not work. She always acted like they were poor and the kids grew up doing without a lot. Later we found out she was literally hoarding cash under her mattress - close to $100k in a span of 40 years or so. When I think of the low quality food they ate and my SILs being ridiculed for wearing homemade prom dresses it makes me sick. They still suffer as adults from her abuse.
My partner's mum was abused physically and financially. My partner would *never* be abusive to me because of this. However, we both agreed to have GetTheFuckOutOfHere accounts in our own names with several thousand (at least) in the accounts. We also use those secret accounts to buy gifts for each other. I feel like these measures to protect your loved one from your own future self are some of the biggest acts of trust and love. 'I love you so much that I want to protect you from the chance I will be horrible in the future'.
lol i retained a separate checking account i'd had for years before i got married so that i could use it to buy my husband birthday/xmas/'it's a regular smegular tuesday but i just want to surprise you with something' presents he'd never see coming (on the off-chance he ever checked out our joint account online...which he never did anyway).
I used our old chequing account from another country to actually surprise my wife with some designer brand earrings, and shit is hardly ever a surprise between us. So yeah that makes sense too.
unfortunately my husband had the completely uncanny bizarre ability to be able to guess ahead of time whatever present(s) i decided to give him. drove me absolutely crazy! but i was able to fool him maybe 25% of the time so that always made me happy. but the private checking account at least gave me the *illusion* that he couldn't guess what i had planned. truthfully the only times i thought i'd really & truly surprised him was when i got him/(us) ny yankee tickets but looking back on it, i can't help but wonder if his 'shock' at those presents was really just feigned surprise. damnit!
The only true surprise I've been able to pull off in 10 years of marriage was the new pair of Chanel earrings. We live in a town that doesn't have a Chanel store, so it took some logistics. What made it a real surprise was that I'm a cheapskate and she didn't expect the level of spend. But every listing I see for these is between $1200 and $1400 used, and they cost $1000 new, so infinite money glitch? Anyway, glad you managed to surprise him :)
good job on the chanel earrings! i was never a 'jewelry' girl....husband (boyfriend at the time) knew from the very start that if he ever even attempted to give me a diamond engagement ring it would result in an automatic & resounding NO (along with a possible refusal to marry him at all, even though i had been the one to propose marriage in the first place haha), so he had the good sense to buy me (because i'm irish) a Claddagh ring & i swear i cried for fucking days. because when someone really 'gets' you, it definitely hits deep.
This might be the healthiest comment in the whole damn subreddit.
IMHO the lady who [explained it better than I could](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1bpdo37/comment/kwviju8/?context=3) made the healthiest comment
I think the bank account and independence is healthy. Hiding it from your partner, taking money without telling them, and not contributing to the shared finances? Not so much.
We’re only getting his side too. I would think someone creating a secret bank account would have a decent motive no?
Sure, probably. There’s also a chance she’s cheating or something like that too and is planning on leaving. There’s not enough context. Whatever it is it’s clear that the relationship is not healthy.
Or its possible OP is irresponsible with money and while there’s nothing she can do to stop him from accessing their shared account, she can at least keep the money she earns safe.
Why are you assuming that with no information? If he was irresponsible he wouldn’t be paying attention to any of the finances.
I’m assuming that for the same reason everyone else is assuming - because we don’t really have any information on why she’s keeping a separate account and we can’t conclude that she is wrong or right to do so based on so little i formation. I’m not saying OP is definitely irresponsible with money, I’m giving an alternative the assumption that she’s cheating or planning on leaving. There are a lot of reasons she might be doing this, and they’re not all necessarily nefarious on her part.
Exactly this, especially someone in their 60s that remembers when women were barely allowed to have their own bank account. Just let your partner have some freedom and risk-avoidance of having all their money tied up in joint accounts. My marriage got so much better when we each got our own personal accounts and then one joint bill-paying account. We only put into joint what is necessary to cover the bills, rest of the money is each of ours. If we want to do something fun together we both put in some of our fun money.
My wife's got an account that had 20k in it when we met 15 ish years ago She asked if she should merge it in with our finances when we got married and I said no, we don't need it, we've already got our joint account and have started saving together so just keep it. Do whatever you want with it. I genuinely have no idea what's in there now. Could be empty, could have 50k.
Hope it's got some interest to it. We had a broker who just forgot to invest $60k in cash that was sitting in our retirement account, for a year, during some of the best growth the stock market has ever seen. I'm a big fan of transparency and dashboards in retirement investments now.
Our joint stuff does, probably could be better though. Genuinely not sure.. it's her money that.
Dormant bank accounts eventually get taken by the state (where I live at least), FYI
That’s how you blend your pre and post marriage money, and get your asset split in half like a watermelon. Having an account solely under your name does not make it “yours” during a divorce.
It's true, and anyone with a private account should disclose it because you're right, it's a joint asset. However it still gives you money you CONTROL during the divorce process. No way for your spouse to drain all the money and hide it from you if they don't have joint rights to the account.
Since your a secured grown up. Your marriage will be healthy. Since your wife has no idea why she should keep it even more secured and this is nice to read.
User name doesn’t quite check out 👍👏🙂🥳
Thanks. I only defenestrate people in video games.
Confront? Why don't you just ask her, don't make it into a 'warfare.' Maybe she decided to have 'bolt money?' You did say you have a bad relationship the last 4 years. Why are you not more concerned about working on your rocky marriage?
There's a lot of missing reasons in this post. Like he goes straight on the attack instead of wanting to talk it out. Also he's not making the marriage his priority but her finances. There's probably reasons for her to keep this money away from him.
Because some people love money and controlling money more than they do people. OP may just be mad that he’s not being allowed to control a source of income.
True, I think you are right. She made 15k in a year and he kept track of it and her selling 2.5k worth of things. I don't keep that close an eye on what my wife makes nor spends at all? It's her income to do what she wants? OP's relationship is very controlling and penny pinching seeming.
Read his post history. He's been abused by her for years.
Or he’s upset because for the past x amount of years his entire check has been deposited into the joint account and now that she’s earning something she keeps it all to herself
Or, crazy idea, more realistically he's wondering why all of a sudden this private account has popped up. usually when people set up private accounts after 40+ years of marriage, is because they're cheating or because they don't want their partner to know something.
Don’t confront, just talk to her.
She should have a separate account. And so should you. In case of emergencies or to buy each other gifts. Nothing wrong with that. No need for confrontations.
This. It baffles me that everyone feels the need to combine their finances. I get it, I really do. But every person who ever got fucked over by their partner in life also had the "it will be fine" mentality. Every person should have individual control of their money, because it is their money. Have a joint account and pay into it from your individual accounts - all terrible consequences removed and financial freedom enhanced. Win-win.
Right? I have my own account; all except a couple hundred goes into our joint account every check.
"our relationship has been rocky" + "she's quick to anger" The best way to approach it is with a marriage counsellor. Y'all aren't ready to have this convo on your own.
Having some financial independence is wise, especially if your lives are completely enmeshed, and your relationship is unstable. Rather than focus on preventing her from having a safety net, why don't you try to resolve the issues in your relationship instead?
Or he should start his own bank account and put aside money as well. She could very well clean out all the joint accounts and leave him with nothing if she is secretly planning on leaving.
That won’t end well for her in most jurisdictions.
That takes time to pursue. Doesn’t help much in the short term.
Exactly. One of my best friends in high school came from a blue collar family and they didn’t really know to take advantage of education-specific accounts. His mom cheated with a guy she met online and drained and “spent” all the money before leaving. His dad had no idea because he never looked at those accounts. The man was working double overtime most weeks and had poured money into savings so that his kids could go to college and he could retire. It’s 20 years later and he’s still working. My friend was completely impoverished during college because he had no help from his parents and could barely get enough loans without a co-signer to pay for tuition, let alone food and rent.
Money spent is money gone. If she took it and burned it hypothetically speaking he would have no recourse.
if that was her plan why would she not be storing the money she is currently making in the joint account if she plans on taking it all out anyways when she divorces?
Yeah that’s not how divorce works.
I wish my wife had a secret bank account with money in it.
So it’s sounds like she’s just making sure she’s not left with nothing if you guys end. You’re question should be “how could I make my wife feel safe and like she can trust me and that I won’t leave her homeless if we do end” is it bothering you that she has money? I know I’m being judgmental but trying to control the secret account she has is going to make her squuuuirm and run away even faster. You should be asking her why she’s scared of telling the truth instead of why she has money. Let her have her own money. She sounds smart.
Yeah, the “I’m afraid of how she’ll react,” sounds like a heap of projection to me.
She is smart. I agree.
i think you should tell her that we're all really proud of her and she's doing great
Women who are not the main breadwinners are often told to have an “exit savings” incase anything goes south. It’s pretty normal.
Women 101 is have "just in case" money set aside. No matter how amazing a marriage is, you never truly know what will happen in the future. The unbelievable can and does happen. If this is a recent thing she's doing, she is either concerned about having her own money for retirement, she's saving for something big for 1 or both of you as a surprise. The 3rd is that she is concerned for the future of you both. She may feel you want to leave. She may be concerned about you wanting all of the money in your control. You probably feel somewhat offended or hurt or not trusted by her having this account. She has her reasons for now. She may tell you when she's ready. Don't confront her and make this about her hurting you. Just be patient and see what happens for now, or casually mention you saw it if the conversation goes there. Go for nonchalant, or she may feel defensive. Whether it's the best possible reason or the worst (hopefully no), just keep being a good and loving husband. Then you know you did all you can
Where did you get your information that a cashed check will show as a deposit then a withdrawal? I've literally never had this happen. Unless you cash a check AT your bank, how would they even connect the check to your account? If you cash it at a check cashing place, they would have no idea.
I work in banking and haven’t heard of this either. Typically if the check is drawn on a different bank it’s cashed by placing a temporary hold against the check casher’s account until the check clears. Once it clears the hold falls off and there’s no record of it. If the check is drawn on the same bank that it’s being cashed at then it’s simply debited from the makers account. It doesn’t affect the check cashers account. I’ve worked at 3 major banks and they all operate this way.
Sounds like you want to control her financially
I’m not sure where you live, but in America you can most definitely cash a check at any bank without depositing it into an account first. I would assume that would be in other countries as well. Perhaps she’s saving to divorce you and be able to live on her own. Ask yourself why? It’s not unusual for a woman to keep a separate account, especially if the husband has been the main source of income and it’s her only way out. Good for her.
Is the money a concern? Or do you just want to track it for some reason.
He doesn’t want to lose financial control of her.
Did she have any access to any “my money” before now? Or was it all coming into the house under your name? Confronting isn’t going to work well here. Be truly curious. Whatever is going on, this does suggest there is a lack of trust. If she’s not planning her exit, then you two need a real reset on how you plan for the future together, because right now there is something about that future where she’s not putting her faith in you or this financial partnership.
If you get a divorce, isn't "bolt" money thrown into the pot when the lawyers get their teeth into it?
If it’s disclosed to the court. People hide assets during divorce.
Sure but divorce settlements take a long time, it’s about having enough money in the moment to move out.
Yea but it might allow her to have the funds to set herself up in an apartment/put a downpayment on a house and feed herself while that gets hammered out. Presumably, if the marriage ends and he is the breadwinner, he could just stop depositing into that account and she would be fucked pretty quickly. I think I would call it “money she definitely has access to no matter what” rather than “super secret money”.
Women should always have a bank account and other financial things in their name only, especially if they're married. I've worked in the banking, credit industry long enough to see women get royally screwed over when their husband passes away. If the wife is the one to die firat, the husband goes along as before, business as usual. But when the husband does first? The wife suddenly has a frozen bank account, credit cards are shut down, loans called in for PIF, you name it. All because the husband was usually the primary on these accounts. Why, you ask? Because the husband is usually the higher earner, even after retirement and receiving their pension because the wife was either a SAHM who never worked a day in her life or simply had lower earnings because of the disparity in male vs female pay.
She probably saving it as a last resort backup so it won’t be used. Or that she needs a little “freedom” and spend a little for once
If she can have an exit account then you can open one too.
INFO: Besides her having a secret account and knowing the relationship is a bit rocky we don't know anything else about the relationship. To get good advice we would need to know at least a little bit of why the relationship is rocky, does she feel like she would have nothing if y'all split, are things rocky because you have been unfaithful or something else you may have done or is it because she was unfaithful or something else she may have done. You say she is quick to anger but no other context. So we could say she is lying or this is just her protecting herself, but without more context it's hard to say if what she is doing is wrong.
As a bank worker, on what planet do banks require you to deposit a check THEN withdraw to cash a check? Most banks have at least a 1 day wait time for checks to clear, so that method wouldn't really make sense anyway especially if you don't currently have that amount in the account. Cashing a check means you give it to the teller, verify your identity, then you get the cash. No record of it on the person's account unless they wrote the check.
I feel like she knows you know she has a job, I feel like she knows you know she gets paid, and I feel like she knows you know that money isn’t going into YOUR account. Where’s the secret? Leave it alone! It’s 15k. How much do YOU make?
I don’t see an issue with her wanting to have her own money and be financially independent. I think you should ask why you’re feeling bothered about that.
Because its secret....its hidden. If you want to have your own "fun money" you communicate that with your partner. All money is community property in the marriage. This is family money not going to the family pot.
It’s not family money, if it were family money it would go in a joint account and everyone would know about it. This is a personal account for that person’s own personal and individual use, that is nothing new or concerning and doesn’t need to be discussed with your partner who won’t have access to it.
I just have to point out that if someone is in an abusive relationship then it would be very understandable for a person (regardless of gender) to want to have a secret account.
First, we don’t know their relationship and the reasons why she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing to the husband that she has her own money. Second, If she’s doing her part and contributing with her portion of paying bills/ putting money on join savings, she’s entitled to decide if she wants to communicate what she’s doing with the extra money. OP saying that he wanted to “confront” her sounds more like being controlling instead of a curiosity of why she’s doing it. If she’s actually doing this to prepare for a divorce, what are the real issues in the relationship that leads her to want that? It seems much more that he’s surprised/bothered that she has a way out than trying to fix their rocky marriage.
Because he wouldn’t be allowed to hide money from his partner. It’s a shitty double standard. They are 60.
How do you know he wouldn’t be able to? Did you ask the wife or are you just assuming. He might be for all we know.
Having your own account is one thing, but doing it in secret is shitty.
Women are often advised to do this to this for their own protection. Does not seem like something you need to “confront” her about, but perhaps have a discussion with her so you both are on the same page regarding joint expenses.
I’m sorry but I used to work for a few different banks in the US. It isn’t a requirement to deposit the check before cashing it. If the check is drawn off the same bank as where she is cashing it, the funds are verified from the payer account and then the check is cashed if there are enough funds to cover it. So the check is never deposited to your account first in this instance. It can also be cashed right away if you have enough funds to cover the check in your own account. These are just a few of the ways you wouldn’t see the check being cashed.
I never joined bank accounts with my husband. Big purchases we have discussions about financial participation. It’s a lot easier for me to manage bills and whatnot by having my own account that I can balance. I don’t worry about my husbands and he doesn’t worry about mine. Maybe your concerns are much deeper than a bank account?
So, having separate accounts is one thing. Freedom of choice in a relationship shows a solid foundation. However, if I'm understanding it correctly, your wife has not disclosed this account to you? As in, she is keeping it secret/hidden? If that's the case, I'd be concerned. My now ex-wife had been doing the same to me, and I only found out during the divorce to what extent she had taken financial advantage of me. A forensic audit that I paid for uncovered that she had transferred over 80k into that account over 4 years. Left herself perfectly set up to leave me, and when that day came I was left with $1.04 in the joint account.
Ask her whats up - to be fair its better to have both joint and your own accounts, but my husband knows about my personal account. She might be worried / ready to leave, Id def talk with her about it.
We each have our individual bank accounts, and then a joint one for joint expenses. The idea of just one account just because you’re married is absurd to me. It’s really not that hard to set things up to automatically deposit money into a joint account for joint expenses, but everyone has the right to do with the rest of their money what they want.
In my relationship we have seperate finances. We are happy with that. However in your situation I'd be quite worried that she is planning an exit. Also she is no longer contributing to shared expenses without discussing it with you. That would be red flag. Good luck
Nothing wrong with separate accounts. Besides, she's not hiding her job and probably assumes u know she is depositing her checks in a separate ac. Who knows, maybe it's a joint account. Communication is Key! Good luck!
> She made close to 15K last year plus we're missing about 2.5K raised through selling items we no longer needed. That is absolute chump change. Crikey. Do you control the finances other than this incredibly small amount?
That’s what I’m hung up on too, it’s really not a lot of money, and why is he finding out only now?? He’s also actively known the relationship is rocky for 4 years and is now concerned?? , hm. Idk. My partner found my “bolt money” or whatever (really just extra money I keep for my hobbies?). He asked if I was going to buy him legos with it. He didn’t get all paranoid.
Right? I mean, that’s a LITTLE over 1k a month. Literally $288/week. Before taxes I assume? If you’re worried about that, maybe she should leave.
Do you need to confront her about it? It sounds like you have access to the money you need to live off of. It’s doesn’t sound like she’s financially abusing you. Why is it a problem for her to have her own account? I have one. My husband has his own to. It’s good to have some separate accounts.
I think it's normal to have some money separated, but it isn't normal to do so secretly. You haven't talked about this at all in the past year? I think that if your relationship is at a point where you are afraid to bring this up that's a huge issue in and of itself.
Everyone needs a separate one, if you die she will have no money until probate
Each should have there own account and then a household account both contribute to for household bills.
Create your own account and quit being afraid of your wife.
From old postings she has been very abusive to you. Depending on where you are, you can go to the issuing bank or cash the checks. In the US you can go to your bank and cash the check before depositing as it is not immediately available if you just deposit. How much are taxes in your area as 2500 is about 16.5% Perhaps it good be good to speak as long as you are in a safe situation. Fighting over juice or hitting you with objects is not okay. Sometimes we also need to inventory ourselves in order to figure out what we’ve done. What transpired prior to the 5 years and what prompted her to get a job?
She's got other plans & it's not with you! She's saving up because she is going to break camp!
Good for her. Everybody in a relationship should have another account that has some of their own money in it. When I came into my marriage I had 80 thousand dollars in an account that is now wrapped up an investments that my husband cannot access. He knows it and he accepts it and he has one of his own. In the event of a divorce we both get to keep those accounts and whatever was earned in them to ourselves.
Sounds to me like she’s building a fund to bolt. I would take legal advice about protecting your assets in case she hits you with a surprise divorce.
Depending on what financial arrangements a couple has, a secret account is grounds for divorce. Sure, someone can earn money and save it all for themselves. But are they also splitting all the home expenses that are shared in common? Things like food, mortgage payments, repairs, etc. If the individual isn't contributing to any of that, AND puts their money away in a personal account, they are essentially living off their spouse. And what if the one spouse financed the other's education and they never paid them back? Is it fair to withhold money when you are clearly in debt to someone? That's a pretty serious deception in such a case, and if a court heard about it, they would come down hard.
Spouses with secret accounts are looking for a way out. Or, perhaps, she doesn’t feel the money she is working for needs to be shared in a joint account.
This shouldn't require a "confrontation." You should be able to simply ask "where are your paychecks going; I don't see them registering in our joint account." You deserve that answer.
That's the question I was considering asking. I was looking for some other options because my instinct is not always the best way to approach things with her.
Pull a credit report for you and your wife under the guise of checking for an ID thief. A savings account under your wife's SS should show up. If so, then ask.
So I’m 29 and the women who raised me, women my moms age, my grandmas age, my GREAT GRANDMAS age all told me the same thing 100 times: you’re allowed to have your own money. Many of us came from times where we were NOT allowed our own money. Protect yourself by always having funds only you can access. Look, not to make it a men V women thing but like I couldn’t even have a credit card in my name had I been born 30 or so years earlier. Financial freedom is a recent tool for most women. I don’t think her having a private account is inherently negative. I think her not feeling she can trust you with that information speaks volumes about your current dynamic, and how bothered you are by it without even having a casual chat with her makes it even more understandable as to why she may not mention it to you (and also she sounds like in your experience she’s volatile, so it’s also understate why you’ve asked for advice before addressing it!). Talk to your wife. Lead with love and understanding, and start working back towards the dynamic (assuming it was love based and healthy) that led you to marry in the first place. Four YEARS is a very long time to be in a rocky place. Consider marriage counseling, it doesn’t t mean you’re failing. Rather, it means you’re committed to getting to know one another again and finding a new and mature love to head into your future years with, together. This is not the battle you think it is, and frankly it seems like it’s about more deep seated topics than the money itself. Dig into that, do the hard work, find ways to connect again and be vulnerable.
Thank you. Yours is on of the more reasonable responses.
With all the comments here i would ask; is it good to have a secret account as a husband?
Hello, Teller here. Not all banks will make you deposit the check first and then withdraw it. If it's her check, and she has enough money in any of her accounts (even if it's all combined) to cover the check, some banks will out right cash it. This is typical standard for a bank. And if she has a secret account, it's her money. If shes paying her portion of the agreed upon Bill's then why is it an issue? She could also have other things going on that arent related to you at all. Someone mentioned their spouse having a dormant account from before they were married. If that's the case with your wife then shes taking care of it. She isnt obligated to tell you anything regarding her money. If you are that worried about it, then just talk to her. If she says it's none of your business then drop it. If its not hurting you financially then why does it matter?
She’s saving up to leave you.
Bolt money... woman in the comments will justify this disgusting behavior by your "wife". If it's worth her keeping it a secret its worth you taking that money and holding it hostage. The longer you wait for her to put her plan(s) in action the worse you'll get screwed in the end. Take the money first than have a talk with her about it, it does sound "controlling", but if you just let her do whatever you will get the shit end of the stick when its all said and done.
How much has she skimmed?
Every wife has a secret bank account. I’ve been happily married over twenty years and I have two. I have zero plans to separate or leave my husband… but I could if I wanted to.
You've posted you think your wife is a narcissistic abuser or has bpd. Now you don't want her to have her own money. Somethings off here?
Just make sure you take everything in here with couple dump trucks full of salt. You're 62 and you very likely have teenagers chiming in.
I feel like this seems fine and normal? What if something happened and she needs money??
Couples having secret bank accounts they actively hide behind each other’s back is not normal
How’s it hiding if she probably knows, he knows, she has a job and doesn’t see those checks being deposited into their joint account. Hiding would be her NOT having a job and him finding out she has a secret account that she has slowly filled with money FROM their joint account. Seems to me there’s really no secret.
If you know about the money, it's hardly a secret. Just ask her if she has opened an account in her own name. It's not unusual for couples to have separate accounts in addition to their joint account.
You can ask her about it but what do you want out of this? Your wife is smart and thinking about what ifs because nothing in life is guaranteed. There’s so many women who are in terrible relationships who desire to leave but can’t because they have no money.
I’d say it’s obvious why she wants her own account and if you want to keep the peace let it slide.
If she's acting normal otherwise and it's not a massive amount of money that would be a betrayal of your financial goals - just don't worry about it. All people you should have a small amount of money possible in an exit fund in case their partner goes crazy. It happens all the time. Husbands and wives cheating on each other , people with substance abuse problems gambling problems, on and on it's a human thing. Having a small bit of protection for yourself is not a problem
Looks like she is planning on leaving you since you mention your marriage has been rocky for the last 4 years. You also mention she is quick to anger, is she in therapy or have any mental conditions?
Sounds like she's got one foot out the door. Might want to buy her some flowers or something lol
Well, do you need to? Confront her, I mean. So she's been putting her own earned money away, or maybe does some online gambling or something, but so long as she's not harming anything, or using the household money for nefarious things, assumably.... just know that's probably what's going on, and leave it at that. If it ever comes up, you can just reassure her that 'of course you know', and you never had a problem with it, and that it's ok. She's not doing anything wrong. As you've always been the sole breadwinner, maybe she knows that her behavior in the past has you on edge, and she's afraid you'll ask for a divorce. Or maybe she's hoping she has the courage to separate, and this is her safety net. That's okay too. It sounds like things have been tumultuous for a while now, and there's a point when people have been together for so very long, that the idea of separating at your age becomes just so overwhelming. It seems impossible. And sometimes this late in life, it's easier to just live together as companions. The whole 'can't live with her, can't live without her' thing. You can treat her as you would a person with Alzheimers, without confrontation, without arguments.... changing argumentative subjects and debates. Have a look into how to manage a person like that, and you may find some coping mechanisms, or.... at least some insight into how to manage your side of the situation. Group therapy might be interesting for you to explore for yourself, as finding others who are also in a similar situation helps you feel not so isolated and alone. You don't need to do this with her, but do it for yourself. At least some therapy sessions for yourself, if not a group situation. There's a phrase 'Better the devil you know than the devil you don't'. And this can go both ways for both of you. It sounds like she knows she can't survive without you, but she also knows that she's making your life pretty much a living hell, and is afraid that you'll pull the plug on your life together. I'm sorry you're going through this.
During our almost 40 year marriage, we never did the 'my money, your money' thing.
In your eyes you guys didn’t, but maybe from her point of view, you did just that with money
Sometimes you think that It's a joint decision when you are actually the one really making them. I've seen it happen where a family friend only talked about "our money", but whenever the wife wanted something he didn't it was "superfluous " and when he wanted something she didn't she was being annoying and "he worked for the money". No idea about your situation obviously, but historically men as the bigger breadwinner (and often by extension less of child/homecare person) think the "our money" should be used as he sees fits. This makes the dependant (often the woman) sometimes want their own little thing for security, as they're often fucked with their pension of the husband leaves thus causing power imbalance.
Is it easy for her to take money out of the joint account for her own random purchases? One of my friends has a secret bank account which she seriously just uses to buy clothes and shoes. Because her husband kind of shames her for taking money out of their joint account to buy fancier things for herself. I think it's pretty sad to have to go to that extent. My husband and I have our own personal accounts and one joint account. Mostly so we can buy clothes or tacos or whatever without asking the other person for permission.
Well, she's doing it now, so if the accounts where your money does into are *all* joint you might wanna open a separate one just in your name (ideally different bank too) and move a sum more or less equivalent to her "private" money into it.
Well, she's doing it now so maybe start to do the same. No more money into a joint account. Get a seperate one for you
Most women have an “account” we don’t talk abt . Just ask her .
I have a secret bank account and multiple investments too. Which is basically a nest egg for future & vault for a rainy day. My partner is not aware of this. I don’t think setting aside some money for yourself is never a bad thing. If your partner finds out just express need for keeping it a secret. Also since she is short tempered just bring it up in a judgmental/confrontational way would only push her away.
she may be squirling her cash as a rainy day.
Very common for older women to have these, they know their mother and grandmother’s stories.
You left out a lot of information
As a woman,growing up my mum always told me to have a bank account or money stash that my husband didn’t know about..it’s get away money and every woman needs it…Now I’m a mother myself and tell my children the same thing. If your wife has secret money, it’s usually for a reason. Approach her about it if you want to. Explain you just want to know what’s going on,is everything ok etc. a good relationship means no secrets. Good luck mate.
Don't confront her at all. It's a totally normal thing to have your own account, especially if they take a lot of time off work to raise young children. Don't take it personally, our mom's and grandmother's all had one and encouraged us to keep ours
Cashing a check doesn't work the way you described.
Try “talking” to her, not **confronting**. You are old enough to know how to communicate with your partner
damn, an adult has her own money that she earned through her own work, shocking!
>Even if you cash a cheque at a bank, they deposit it first and then you can withdraw the money No, not how that generally/necessarily works. E.g. often one can go to (branch of) bank check is drawn on, and cash the check there - even if one doesn't have an account there. >Should I confront her about this Well, you could always ask her. >She's quick to anger and I'm concerned about her reaction Well, then you already got problems. Maybe y'all should work on that.
Do you have your own account that only you control? Have you talked to her before about financial management in your relationship?
Do you have your own account that only you control? Have you talked to her before about financial management in your relationship?
Why is it even an issue? Everyone should have a separate bank account. You never know what can happen.
What’s the problem with your wife having her own money? I would raise the issue of the missing 2.5k but otherwise I don’t see a problem.
Maybe she's secretly saving up to buy you a surprise vacation or a fancy gift. Or maybe she's just being financially smart. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt for now. But definitely have a calm and open conversation with her about your concerns. Trust and communication are key in a relationship. Good luck!
Every woman should have her own bank account.
Man I wonder why she would have a bolt account… you seem to love her so much /s Dude.
Why do you need to confront her about having an account? Do you need to access the money for your shared home? Or do you just want control? I ask because if it’s the latter you need to check yourself she is an autonomous being and can have a life outside of you and your marriage.
It's the secrecy. We've always been open to each other on finances, and now she's not being open.
Your money is her money bud. Reddit has spoken.
Unfortunately, this is a reality for women that keeps us safe. What do you mean, your relationship has been rocky? How much have you contributed to that? (I only ask because you mention your wife is quick to anger, so we already know she's playing a part). I don't think there is anything wrong with women keeping themselves safe and cared for, when they can easily be taken advantage of during a seperation. In fact, everyone should be doing this - But historically and statistically, women are more vulnerable in this situation and are shit out of luck if they have to flee an abusive situation.
My wife gave up her personal bank account, but I told her she could keep it. I thought it was a good idea, if one account is compromised you still have a fall back being just one of the benefits. The difference is, she never hid it from me. Can you imagine if something happened and you never knew. If she keeps it for peace of mind in case the relationship goes south, then let her have that. If divorce ever did happen, it would still be included as part of the martial asserts. My biggest concern would be why she felt the need to hide it from you. That might be worth a talk. I'd let her know the account is a good idea, but why hide it?
If you can't stand the idea of separating accounts, maybe you don't trust your partner enough to be married in the first place? Are y'all in debt? Unable to make ends meet? Then bring it up.
I'll say this succinctly and in simple words that you can understand: It's *none of your business* if your wife has a separate account from yours. Maybe she doesn't want you to have control of every aspect of her life. Or maybe she wants some financial security that doesn't depend on your ability to provide.
her money, not your problem.. she is working for it, unless its straining the finance of the house and this money is needed, its not your business..
All women should have a separate account with their own money they have 100% control in. your wife is not "hiding" anything from you, this is a very common thing women are told to do from our mothers and grandmothers. My mom tells this story about when she was at the bank in the 90's because she lost her debit card, and the bank would NOT give her a replacement without my father's signature. It was a joint account (AKA an "OR" account and not an "AND" account). Things are not the same for women and we need to protect ourselves, even in the happiest of marriages.
I wouldn’t be too paranoid. Women like to shop!!! In the United States, you can definitely cash a check at the bank without depositing it
Well instead of confronting her, why don’t you just ask her? and why can’t she have her own bank account?? What’s wrong with that?
It's the secrecy.
I firmly believe each spouse should have their own set-aside account at a separate bank because you never know what the future holds. My SO knows I have one, it's from long ago, but doesn't ask me about it.
You say your marriage has been “rocky” these past few years. So I think that she’s not optimistic, and is saving $$ for a possible exit. You two need to talk and find out if the marriage could be salvaged through honest communication/counseling (discuss what made the marriage rocky), or if she’s already “done,” and just biding her time before she files.
15k? You are worried about 2.5 of the 15? But you need to make some money and stop worrying about hers. That’s her money you’re the man go make yours.
Did you see we're in our 60s? I started working when I was 14. 48 years later, I hope I'm done working.
Why are you more interested in confronting her about having a separate banking account, rather than fixing your marriage that’s been troubled for years?? A lot of couples have both shared and separate accounts. Why does it bother you that you don’t have access to one of hers? Also confront and trying to calm her out on it isn’t the way to go. Can’t you just nicely ask about it?
It's the secrecy. I think she has a separate account but don't know for sure.
15k for the entire year and ur pocket watching her ? Aren’t u ashamed lol I could see why the relationship is at odds even at this big ass age men are still pitty full and shameful
All wives have a secret bank account/lover/adviser/stylist/shrink etc
She could easily go to the bank the check is drawn on and cash it
What is the real issue with her earnings going into her own private account? Honestly? Is it that she's not being up front about doing it? Is she currently controlling your finances while keeping her money separate? Are you worried about her using the money to leave you, or it not being considered in the event of a divorce? Do you feel you should have access to her money since she had access to yours for so many years? What is the actual root of your issue with her not telling you where she's putting her money? It honestly sounds like she's readying herself to stand on her own two feet, reentering the work force, establishing her own funds, possibly figuring out how to restart her life alone. I'm guessing her view of the years of marriage you described would be very different from her perspective. If you want to have a discussion about what she's thinking and planning, an open question would be your best approach. Something like, I noticed you aren't putting your earnings into our joint accounts, is there a particular reason for that? And just listen to what she has to say, or if she doesn't want to talk about it let it be. If she's planning to leave you, you can't make her stay or tell you that's what she's planning. Your best approach may be a "let her" one. She's going to do what she's gonna do, so let her. You say things have been bad for 4 years, it's ultimately not unreasonable for her to be creating a contingency plan by this point if things aren't improving.
There's nothing wrong with her having a separate bank account. What exactly do you want to get out of that conversation?
I imagine someone already said this somewhere, but she could be cashing her checks as cash. If only cashing one check under $2k (or whatever the limit for your bank); it wouldn't necessarily show as a credit-then-deduction if I'm understanding you correctly.
Confront her? Hmm, kind of an intense word to use here, I think. Maybe have a conversation with her first. Starting with something like, “hey, if you have the time, I’d like to have a conversation with you about something” might be good. To also mention, if the nature of your relationship has been on the rocks the last 4 years, maybe this decision to make a separate bank account makes sense to her; if a relationship is falling apart or out of security, it’s best to protect yourself and your finances.
what is it to you that she has a secret bank account of her own earned money? it’s a red flag that you are upset about this.
So then it would be okay for me to have had a secret bank account for the 120K-130K I earned a year?
How much do you make a year?
To be fair a lot of what a man views as “talking it out” many women can take that as “confrontational” which in and of itself can be a negative depending on the person involved. People who have a habit of avoiding conflict (my gf) can make it very frustrating to talk about things. So preface it with a soft approach is my advice before talking or asking her about it. Also my nursing side kicks in, aka ask open ended questions and WAIT for a response. She’s much more likely to spill enough beans if you just ask “hey baby, I noticed you have a private account” and see what she says.
Straight forwardly. "Hey Love, you know I was looking through our bank statement and noticed there were no deposits from your new job. I thought that was a paying gig. Are you volunteering there?" That should give the opportunity for a conversation. Are you feeling she should or could be contributing financially towards the household expenses or is she building a personal nest egg prior to divorce?