I mean. Based on your other posts he doesn’t treat you well overall. So it isn’t really shocking that he would think this was okay. You have to decide if this is truly what you want, and understand that by staying you will be continuously treated like this.
I just don’t know what else to do. I want him to hear me and be like he was in the beginning of our relationship. He would hear me out and address my concerns lovingly. Now I’ve really made my bed- bought a house, had a baby… and everything has changed. He is very good to the children and my 1st 2 kids love him.
How he was at the beginning of the relationship was an act he put on because he already knows that’s how he’s supposed to be. How he’s acting now is who he really is.
"The 2 older kids are from a previous marriage, so I feel they are my sole responsibility." Is he that good though? It sounds like he doesn't do any parenting or care for the other children
He does some. He’s very involved with helping me through the little things. He takes them to and from activities when I ask. He definitely doesn’t go out on a limb to make sure they have food when I’m not up to it. That’s the main concern there. I am wholly financially responsible for them, and don’t ask him to contribute there at all. (Except when we bought a house together 50/50 we bought one for all of us)
Wow, so he does the bare minimum and only when you ask. He cares so little he would actually let your kids go hungry. That not someone who gives af about your kids.
"He definitely doesn’t go out on a limb to make sure they have food when I’m not up to it"
He doesn't even feed them when you can't. You're in denial. You need to snap out of it for your kids' sake. This dude treats your kids worse then one would a family pet. Do you think they won't see how they're being treated differently from your youngest son?
I don't understand buying a house and procreating further with a person that is *clearly* not going to accept you and your first two as a package deal.
Won't get them food? They're 8 and 12. If they're going to be in a dynamic where there are two parents, *two parents* should be responsible for them.
The way you're already taking about them "on the side" is concerning-- making excuses for him that undermine your responsibility and relationship to them.
They SHOULD HAVE BEEN your first concern. Buying a house is a big deal. Bringing another baby into the picture is a big deal.
I'd either start getting your ducks sorted (since you see what sort of inconsiderate and irresponsible ass this dude is) or put on your Big Girl Pants and have an adult conversation about your *joint* duties as parents. (And not just to Baby Boy.)
I'm sorry, but ma'am, you're making a messy, messy bed with no boundaries/expectations and I've got to be honest: From an outsider's perspective, this doesn't look like it's going to end well. I cannot fathom my kids' dad leaving for three weeks before Baby is older, let alone just deciding to do it without talking to you!! I had to reread that twice!!
The kids need more support than you're able to give them with a new baby/rough delivery.
I hope you can't sort out this messy bed so no one has to suffer for it.
He’s not very good to your older children. He does the bare minimum and you put up with it.
Your self-esteem is poor. Your boundaries are practically non-existent and you’re walking on eggshells around this guy.
I recommend therapy. Maybe you can do therapy over FaceTime to make it easier on you.
You need to get yourself sorted because you need to leave this guy. Consult an attorney before you make any moves. You will need a child custody agreement and then you’ll have to deal with the house. Likely it will need to be sold so you can get your money back.
In the meantime, you need to stand up to this guy and tell him no. Do not allow his pouting to affect you. He’s just a big baby and he’s throwing a little temper tantrums because he didn’t get his way. He’s a narcissist. Read up on narcissists. Stop enabling him.
This is how it often happens. People who are abusive don’t show you that side of themselves right off the bat. They show only the good at first, and they don’t show you the rest until you’re already locked down.
I know how tempting it is to want to go back to how it was at the start. And I know how easy it is to think, “If only I could (X) then it would go back to the way things were!”
But there’s nothing you did wrong to deserve the way he’s treating you. He’s treating you poorly because he’s choosing to, and no amount of perfection from you will ever make him treat you well.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Do you have any family or friends you can reach out to for support?
When I was in a deeply unhealthy relationship I ended up pushing my friends away, because I was embarrassed about how bad it had gotten.
Reaching out to them helped me see that I deserved better, because no one deserves to be treated with contempt - especially by their partners.
Your boyfriend is incredibly out of line and you deserve _so_ much better.
If you have other loved ones in your life that you feel safe confiding in, consider sharing this post with them.
That's why you wait more than a year or two to build a life with someone. It's easy to act perfect for the first year. Cracks start showing in years two and three.
He's never going to be that person, OP. That was an act, until you felt stuck with him, like you do now. This is the real him and you are NOT stuck.
I bet they do like him, because he probably doesn't do any of the hard work or rule-enforcing. He gets to be "fun", right? Of course kids like that. It doesn't make him a good parental figure. Meanwhile, you're doing all the work and you get all the blame.
His behaviour isn’t good for your first two children or you or the baby. The best way you can love children as a man is to love and take care of their mother. And going on a three week ski vacation right after you had the baby… That is not it.
By very good do you mean he can be charming when he feels like it? Because abandoning your kids to fend for themselves doesn’t sound like someone who is good with kids.
Ok well then expect more of the above unless you want better in which case you need to communicate to him how you’re feeling and what you expect. I’d suggest therapy to see if this can be fixed because if you stay you’ll be putting everyone’s needs before your own.
He love bombed you in the beginning. Now he is showing you the real man behind the mask, and he doesn’t care if you don’t like it. He’s a narcissist and not a good partner or father.
The harsh reality is you're a slave to your chemistry. Oxytocin has you wrapped around its little finger.
When a baby duck sees its mother, it forms a lasting bond - to that image of her... In short - he's not your mommy / not the provider that nature, in her blind savage way, insists that he is like air or water to you. The bonds of breeding are brutal and breaking them..
No matter how crappy things are, wilfully breaking that off, hurts more. The paradox is -- it's worth it. It's really really worth it.
Sometimes, there is something to be said for traditional family dynamics.
I realize not everything was always peaches and roses. But when you get married first, then start having kids… the male tends to be a little more invested.
There are always exceptions, of course. But if he’s unwilling to commit to be a husband, why would anyone assume he’s willing to commit to be a father?
There’s so much more. I wish the traditional family dynamics had worked out for me. I now know I have a lot of unhealed trauma that I thought I had worked out from my previous marriage. My ex-husband was abusive- all the kinds. I took some time after finally leaving him and worked on myself. Said I would never let anyone abusive into my life again. I was afraid to get married again after everything I lost (being the main bread winner), and seeing the control it gave my ex over me by being legally bound.
I now see that I have failed again. The fact that he wasn’t sexually or physically abusive led me to believe that this one was okay.
i'm guessing your own parents failed to teach or model for you healthy relationships? i'm sorry you did not have better standards for yourself and now your children.
Let this selfish jerk go. He may have been the one to give you that baby, but considering he is prioritizing HIS OWN NEEDS above yours and your baby's, he is NOT a suitable parent, NOR WILL HE EVER BE. Let him out *as soon as your body has fully physically recovered from that delivery*, and work on taking care of your children. Get a close trusted friend, or family member to help you if need be.
And sweetie, I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible. Once you are able to, ***SEEK A DAMN THERAPIST.*** For the sake of your children, PLEASE do so. A therapist can help you learn to how to set boundaries, and help you get through your trauma.
You've been through a LOT of abuse, and abuse causes trauma. And trauma NEVER goes away on its own. If you *don't*, that trauma will seep into day to day life with your kids, and poison your parenting them.
***Abusers ALWAYS start out nice and loving during the beginning of their relationships with others, and only really start showing their true colors when they feel they have locked their targets into a place where they can start controlling them.*** Abusers, like your ex, and this guy, only care about themselves, and you cannot "fix" them, and they will not change.
This is NOT something to be taken lightly. I know it's difficult right now, but once your body is fully healed, seek out professional help, not just for your own sake, but for the sake of your children. Your children need a parent who is in good emotional health, and it doesn't sound like you're in a good state right now.
You can't rely on your baby's "father", he's a self-centered jerk who's only thinking about himself, and is showing signs of being emotionally abusive to you.
The thing is you traded one abusive relationship, for one that is a little less abusive, but it’s still abuse. The reason why is you need trauma therapy. You don’t actually know what a healthy relationship is. You thought ‘this is the healthiest relationship I’ve been in, so it must be healthy’. Wrong.
I also would bet you have PTSD, or CPTSD. Get therapy now, and realize that man really couldn’t care less about you, or your children.
He's completely abusive. You being scared at him being mad at you is a bad sign. And him even considering going at such a time is a worse one. And him resenting you for that is worse again.
I'm so so sorry.
Are you in the habit of hiding your pain and difficulties to make life easier for others?
Absolutely. I have found it “easier” to hide, but have also had a hard time keeping things hidden. He doesn’t like to talk about feelings. He says feelings should be kept inside. This may be because he was not raised in a home where they talked about feelings.
>This may be because he was not raised in a home where they talked about feelings.
Is that how you want your kids to grow up? That tiny baby boy in your arms, do you want him to grow up this way? To make his future partner feel like you do right now? Unsupported and burdensome?
It doesn't really matter why he feels the way he does. But the fact that you have to hide your emotions and feelings because he gets upset when they're talked about is abusive plain and simple. You're walking on eggshells all the time because you're afraid to express yourself for how he will react.
Please read up on abusive relationships and if possible get a therapist for yourself so that you can deal with this stuff much much better. You need somebody who's on your side no matter what that's not your baby's father.
OK so for future reference, you should stop dating a man when he says things like that. A man who thinks feelings should be kept inside is a HORRIBLE choice for a partner. How are you supposed to have any communication or emotional intimacy with that kind of man? Ridiculius. It was absolutely a huge mistake to have a child with this guy, but you can't do anything about that now except salvage your future and make better choices going forward.
Please stop hiding. My mum spent 30+ years hiding and when he eventually left her for his mistress of 5 years, she had a breakdown. She didn’t know how to function in her own right. She was so used to being a shadow so not to anger him. I grew up thinking that was normal! It’s been 20 years since he left and she’s grown so much, but the scars still remain for all of us.
He’s verbally and emotionally abusive, he’s neglectful. He’s not worth keeping.
You’re going to have to do so much extra work to make sure that your son is able to express his feelings and experiences despite the learning he will receive from his father. And unless you’re in the Deep South or some other conservative place, your son is going to have a very difficult keeping up with his peers who are currently being taught that their emotions and feelings are valid. Dating will be impossible because people of his age at that time won’t deal with people like that.
He doesn't like to talk about YOUR feelings. He's talking plenty about his own feelings about not going snowboarding. (Anger is a feeling)
And easier to hide because you haven't been supported in expressing? You know that in healthy relationships people can always express their feelings? Yes, respectfully and calmly. But to say what's going on for them, and to be heard, and to have their issue taken seriously.
Perhaps you would benefit from reading Women Who Love Too Much. Sounds like your relationship is toxic and this guy is emotionally unavailable at best and at worst emotionally abusive.
I would have left the day he thought it was okay to leave you immediately after giving birth. The only upside is you don't have to divorce him as I don't think you're married(?). Just get your shit while he's on his trip and peace the fuck out. If not for you then your kids. If you want them to not put up with abuse now and in the future please leave.
Your husband is an AH. I had my baby girl 6/24 via c section. I have a hernia and am in a large amount of pain. My husband won’t even let me waddle to the bathroom without him. We have an 11, 7 and 18mon. Kids at home and he has taken on full daddy day care mode. Your husband should be prioritizing you and your kids. My older are from another relationship and my husband only sees them as his and so should yours. He should be supporting you and taking care of you….. not snowboarding …. He sounds selfish and uncaring. Find your strength and confront this before it gets worse. Congratulations on your baby and I hope you recover quickly.
Talk to his ex-wife and ask her how he treated her. If it was about the same....now you know why they are divorced. You are headed there with a brand new child.
He treats you like shit. Did he treat you like this before or did he change after the baby?
Being how he's a shitty partner and a shitty dad, my hopes aren't high that he's a great step dad. How is he with your other two kids?
You need to post this to r/AITAH
You will find out very quickly that you are not the AH and he very much is. He needs to watch baby delivery videos until he gets his head out of his sphincter and apologizes.
Soooo many issues here. Why are you procreating with someone you can't be honest with? Why doesn't he care about your well being? Does he not understand the impact of giving birth? Wild all around. Him going on this trip is insane.
even if you had a perfect birth with an easy recovery, your partner should not have wanted to go on a trip 3 weeks after. does he not want to bond with his new child or help take some stress off his partner? the fact that he got angry with you for not wanting him to go is a huge red flag. he clearly doesn’t understand how traumatic child birth is on a woman’s body, and how it can mentally be traumatic as well. i hope you have a better support system than just him. there is no scenario i can imagine where it is appropriate for a new dad to go on a vacation leaving his partner alone with a newborn and 2 kids after just giving birth, especially without even talking to his partner about it first.
He TOLD you you are fine?! Oh hell no! He doesn't decide that.
He is delusional thinking it's ok to leave his newborn baby at home with their mother who is recovering and still has 2 other kids to care for.
Just grab the bull by the horns. Tell him you feel guilty for not letting him go on his trip.
Tell him how much in pain you are and why you were putting on a brave face
Tell him you need him to have your back now. When you will feel better, he can go on his trip.
Remind him that if the roles were reversed, you’ll do the same for him
Your boyfriend is trash for leaving you three weeks postpartum, telling you you are fine, and also for apparently being so volatile that you are afraid to say no in the first place because he would get mad.
So you are recovering for a medical procedure, have a child that requires full care from you, plus you have a couple other kids that can't care for themselves.
And you are worried about pissing off your partner?
He should be home feeding the four of your (plus himself) because you already have your hands full.
I wonder why his first wife divorced his ass???
You married a very immature, thoughtless, selfish person.
>I tried to go along with it because I didn’t want him to get mad at me for not letting him go.
HONEY......WHERE ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES?
Imagine if it was him being on so much pain and relied on you. Are you going to book a 3 week European vacation with your friends and leave him to fend for himself after a painful surgery?????
This was your time to say: NO, I NEED YOU. IM IN PAIN 24-7. Are you going to hire someone to help me while you are gone????
OP......you allow this man to walk all over you and that's why he's with you: BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE CAN GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING AND YOU SIT AND SAY NOTHING.
Google: CO-DEPENDENT behavior, Narcissistic abuse, Setting Boundaries
Simple. No. Self explanatory. Im a dad. I remember when my wife gave birth. Leave her with the newborn to do all of the work after she struggled to give birth? Absofuckinglutely not.
I’m a dad of two. The dad’s job is to help take care of you and the newborn for as long as you need it. The fact that he put his enjoyment over you and the baby is wrong.
Look, postpartum is hard for dads too. I get it. Sometimes you want a day away. But you don’t get that day until mom is okay. Now if you had help from like a relative or friend coming over for the day then that might be different. But two weeks in? Without you being okay with it? Dad needs to get his priorities straight.
I notice you say baby’s father, not husband. You need to move out, get a lawyer, and establish child support with visitation when the baby is old enough. You are not his babysitter for guy trips. You should NEVER be afraid to express your feelings to your partner. This is an abusive, toxic relationship that needs to end.
Even if the birth wasn't difficult that is an asshole thing to do and asshole way to react. He sounds like a douchebag. He is telling you how he views you and it doesn't seem like he is concerned about you much judging by what you said here. He is mid 40s and acting like this.
BTW your comment about sole responsibility of your other kids, while they aren't his, if its a partner they should still be supportive and help with them too, that's how partners work. I'm not saying he needs to be their father, but he needs to at least support you supporting them if you're going to be a family. Sounds like he might be a dud.
Why did you tie yourself to someone so uncaring? Yeah, you need to let him be all the way gone and actually find someone that actually cares about you.
I went from a love bombing relationship, extremely abusive so I am guessing this was the farthest from that as a knee jerk reaction. Although in the beginning he did get me nice presents and take me out and showed affection it was never too much. Now all of that is gone and it’s just cold. He doesn’t understand why I need so much.
> He doesn’t understand why I need so much.
You don't need too much. You need to get away from this man so you can heal up mentally and physically, and to learn how to not get into these situations again in the future.
I'm a father to 2 boys first one very traumatic delivery for us I'd not for one second dream of leaving my partner for a ski trip after that what a complete dick
This bullshit is so common. I can’t believe what we put up with. This is not ok, OP. I know you’re probably rationalising it, but deep down, you know you deserve better. Congratulations on your new baby.
Sorry- I realize it sounds like a long trip. I need to edit my post I think. We are about an hour and a half away from the slopes so it would have been a day trip, and I was 3 weeks post delivery. I asked him how long he would be gone- that was the first thing I said about being uneasy with him going. He freaked out and said he didn’t know because he didn’t know how good the snow would be and what traffic would be like. But he would likely be gone from 6am-5 or 6 pm if he did his normal day.
You understand that he’s also the parent of a newborn, yes? And that means that he doesn’t just get to waltz away from his child?
This sounds toxic af.
Stop “going along with” things because you “don’t want him to get mad at you.”
Stop being in a relationship with someone who sticks you with all the work of childrearing and household maintenance.
Stand up for yourself. For the sake of yourself and of your children. (And your young children from a previous marriage ARE NOT your sole responsibility. Part of being your partner is being a parent to your children. If he’s forsaking that responsibility he is a shitty person and a worse parent.)
Your child’s father is
He sounds like a real classy guy. /s
Has he always been like this, or is it a sudden out-of-the-blue thing?
Let's face, I would assume you wouldn't have asked unless you felt it wasn't absolutely necessary and even then he should have been a whole lot more generous.
What is his attitude towards being a father? A lot of men say they're keen when they really aren't.
NTA- girl, he is guilting you for asking for help after a bad delivery and you have two other kids?? Seriously think about continuing on with this dude
Oh you should have just let him go alright. Out the door and stay there, mf. I'll bring you a nice little packet of paper to read if you're bored. Don't forget to sign it. What an asshole.
Um. Why do women give children to bad men? A good human would not even want to leave you and the baby. Make plans to go without him or to live with a bad person.
Girl.. your baby's father is incredibly selfish. I can't imagine why you'd even have to ask him to stay with you. That's common decency and the bare minimum he could do.
I know that you've said your children from previous relationships are not his and they are your responsibility.. but ANY person that dates or even marries a man or woman with children needs to understand it's a package deal. Those children should be loved as his own.
This man started a family with you. Your children are family too. At the very least, he should be helping with his very own baby. He needs to understand that living like a man with no responsibilities is over. Being a dad comes first.
If he resents you for that or can't even be decent, I wouldn't want to be with him. Ask him why he thinks it was appropriate for him to plan this with a new baby there.
what is the husband who decides to travel for three weeks alone and leaves his wife at home with 3 children, I wouldn't wish this husband on anyone, I'm sorry you go through this situation, call someone from your family to help you and let him go, have Focus on your children and on you, a man who is a man would never do that...
Tell him he can go, once you cut from scrotum to sphincter. Tell him he’ll be fine on the slopes. When he gets back, the little ones will be his responsibility as well.
"If you go on this trip, realize that you will return single and need a new place to live. Please pack your belongings and leave before you go so you don't disturb us moving out once the baby is home."
He's a fucking asshole. I cannot believe he had the gall to actually get angry at the mother of his baby who is clearly physically limited on top of having a newborn. I would PISSED even if you didn't have a difficult delivery, even if it was the easiest delivery (does this even exist??) and he decided to go on some moronic snowboarding trip 3 weeks afterward. Is he 3 years old?!? What a disgraceful father and a pathetic excuse for a "man."
I get absolutely enraged when I hear of women excusing their men's very asinine and selfish behavior. Not enraged at the women but toward the idiots who spurt out sperm, say Hey, I need a break! and just act like they can skate by doing anything less than half of the child work/house load.
You have every right to rage at him too. Every right.
This seems to be the typical "self-involved man-child" syndrome combined with bad communication. I say bad communication on your part because you were not being honest about how you were actually feeling. However! You mention in the comments that you were in a very abusive relationship with your ex. Hearing this makes me believe you are working within the bounds of PTSD. I can't blame you for bad communication under these conditions, because PTSD will hinder good communication, and will lead a person to not communicate their real feelings.
That leaves the obvious. Your new man is a child. He hasn't grown up, and he still thinks that the world revolves around him, and no one should be allowed to interfere with his ability to enjoy life. He will not change unless he recognizes this on his own.
The decision. That's what you have left, and the considerations are above.
You should never ask anyone if you should feel guilty or not. People make their own decisions.
In your case... if he made a good decision or not, that's up to you guys to decide and work things through.
I have four kids with my husband (they’re now 4, 6, 8, and 9). He has gone on many big trips (3-5 nights away) since we’ve had kids, and one of them was when I was about a week postpartum. The huge difference between your partner and my husband is that my husband absolutely never commits to a trip without making sure I am enthusiastically on board. The trip he took when I was postpartum was for his cousins stag and he didn’t even ask to go I just told him that he should since we weren’t attending the wedding. I also have freakishly smooth recovery post-birth as natures way of making up for my horrifically uncomfortable pregnancies.
What I’m trying to say here is that the trip is a symptom of bigger issues at play. Your partner should prioritize you and your wellbeing without having to be asked. You guys are supposed to be a team. He’s being a shitty partner, parent, and teammate. Just because you have a house and a baby with someone doesn’t mean to need to stay in a relationship with them. You deserve to be with someone who will love, value, and treat you with kindness and respect.
He's like this because he chooses to be like this. Not wanting to talk about your feelings is one thing. People aren't abusive because they don't want to talk about their feelings, they are abusive because they want what they want and they don't want to consider other people - he is getting exactly what he wants. He has a baby he doesn't have to care for, a woman he doesn't have to care for, and he gets to go snowboarding. He's knows that he has to scare you and control you to get that and he's okay with that.
I really really recommend reading this book - "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". He's like this because it works for him and he's choosing to do this. You can buy it or find it for free online and I'm sure you library has it.
Speak up and be honest. The idea of him going on vacation without me is a red flag. I think it's disturbing that he would willingly leave his wife, children including a newborn alone while he goes on a 3 week vacation trip. What kind of relationship do you have? If he pouts, then consider whether you have a marriage set all. He should be invested in the marriage, his wife, his family and doing his share. I think you need to really consider where you stand in this relationship.
Why do people have kids when one partner clearly doesn’t want the hassle. Also if he’s with you than those children become his responsibility as well. You devalued yourself to a useless man that truly doesn’t respect or care about you
The comment about your previous children from a last relationship was a bit of a red flag for me. My fiancee and I have been together two years and have a 1 year old. He considers my 7yo as his own. Mind you, there’s no other baby dad in the picture as I had him as a single mom, but he would never book something like that without checking nor would he ever want me to think my 7yo is only “my responsibility”. Your man sucks and I hope he acts right
Frankly, I would tell him to go ahead and do that. And the divorce papers will be on the table when he gets home. He’s a grown man he’s a father you just had a baby tell him to grow up. Just my opinion.
you absolutely shouldn’t feel guilty for asking for support after a difficult delivery. its completely reasonable to need time to recover and adjust, especially with a newborn and two older kids. it sounds like you were doing your best to manage everything while dealing with a lot of pain and discomfort. dont hesitate to express your needs and feelings, your well-being and recovery are so important. sending you lots of positivity and hugs.
If he’s going to abandon you when you need him most he might as well keep going. I don’t care how wonderful he is in bed, he’s not worth it. You don’t have the time or energy to deal with his bullshit. He adds nothing to you or your kids lives.
Looks like you're going to have to go through a separation again (if you want) I think you should.
Honestly he doesn't respect you at all and doesnt sound supportive at all. He's the one in the wrong.
I would repeat this story back to yourself for clarity.
The guy is trash. You’re a single mother, he just gets benefits from you.
My advice is leave, and focus on yourself and the people who love you and your children. All of them.
You need to work on your self esteem, and only then will you find the man worthy of you.
This seems to be the typical "self-involved man-child" syndrome combined with bad communication. I say bad communication on your part because you were not being honest about how you were actually feeling. However! You mention in the comments that you were in a very abusive relationship with your ex. Hearing this makes me believe you are working within the bounds of PTSD. I can't blame you for bad communication under these conditions, because PTSD will hinder good communication, and will lead a person to not communicate their real feelings.
That leaves the obvious. Your new man is a child. He hasn't grown up, and he still thinks that the world revolves around him, and no one should be allowed to interfere with his ability to enjoy life. He will not change unless he recognizes this on his own.
The decision. That's what you have left, and the considerations are above.
NTA but stop minimizing your pain and discomfort! Why are you afraid to be real with this guy. He’s a dad with a 3-week-old BABY. Why in the hell would he think that it was OK to go snowboarding for a day even if you felt fine?
Why are you with this guy? He sounds just awful. He’s 45yo and is acting like he’s 22! WTH-?? I doubt he loves you. That’s not love.
Uh why should you feel bad? You gave birth to his child, he should be pampering you. Taking care of household needs, child care, and support that’s his job as partner, as a father, and more importantly a role model to his children.
No.
When you are in a relationship with someone you should be allowed to say, "I need your help."
Sure, they are allowed to be pissy they were unable to go on that trip. To a certain extent that is understandable. But if they blame you, they may just be a piece of garbage.
Thats pretty shitty im sorry. Is being on your own something you would consider? Would it be more difficult than being with him? What i would do in your shoes is start to think less of him and more about yourself and your kids. Get from him what you can, and start distancing your feelings from him and build a nest egg for yourself in case things go badly. Tell him what he needs to do: clean this, fix dinner every wednesday, etc. Dont cater to him. He's too comfortable. But you need to get yourself mentally ready for being on your own, i think. It'll only go downhill and you should be ready.
Communicating your feelings/concerns/physical and emotional pain is absolutely a must, more so in a household with kids. Your partner needs to be updated about what’s going on with you and be able to have a conversation or make new arrangements. Do not keep smiling if you are not ok or not speak up your mind because he would be upset. Have a talk, tell him you are still fragile from delivery and would appreciate his help and support in this journey that is also his. Ask him to reschedule his trip or to help pay for a nurse for the days he will not be home. If you cannot sit and have an honest conversation with your partner then what kind of relationship is that?
Playing devils advocate here. Having a baby was a bit of a shock for my partner. I had a difficult delivery, postpartum complications, yet he wanted to get away for a few days to take a breather…not impressed and disappointed is how I felt. On the other hand I know men can feel a bit different in this situation and knowing him, 3-4 days away would help him to mentally regroup. I feel like it was a good decision that he went. Less pressure for me by not seeing his scared face.
Now, I’m not sure if I’d be so open minded having two more kids at home…plus he was in constant communication, asking his family to look after me…I feel like when it’s done in a reasonable manner it can help…of course it’s important to watch if boundaries aren’t crossed…
“I tried to go along with it…”
While it is absurd that he did this, it is a day trip and he is a first time father so I can see how he may have planned this out of sheer ignorance (many fathers have to go back to work 2 weeks after the birth). I’m not saying it’s okay at all but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt ONLY for the sake of this response.
My question is: what is it about your dynamic that made you kow tow rather than asking for what you need? Is he generally a jerk, or do you generally avoid communication? Without knowing the factors at play here all we can do is answer the question at hand: no it’s not a bad thing to ask him to skip the trip and stay home to help. You don’t need to go into detail about how bad this delivery was either. It doesn’t matter if you had the worlds easiest delivery. If you need additional support you need to ask for it. You cannot expect him to read your mind.
Yes he should be doing more here but you can only control yourself.
I was nervous because when I have asked for help or expressed feelings in the past, he doesn’t like it. A good example is his reaction here. He told me I was fine and overreacting. He said his friends got to go snowboarding shortly after having babies so I should be fine. And the ultimate fear- him using it against me later by holding a grudge. Which he is doing.
Let him be unhappy then. He doesn’t have to agree with you. He can kick and scream all he wants. He can flat out say no. You can still put your foot down so you’ve made yourself clear. Don’t debate. Foot down
if you are still in pain, I would go to the doctor and get it checked out.
I've never been through pregnancy but it doesn't sound right to still be in pain?
This was a bit ago, and just got brought up again so wanted outside expert opinion. It was way rougher than my last 2. Doctors just said he was big and caused issues. Took 8 weeks to be able to sit down again. I’m now 5 mo postpartum and much better. Thank you.
I did tell him at 6 weeks I was fine if he wanted to go, but he never ended up going. Now he’s blaming the whole thing on me saying “I didn’t even get to go snowboarding this year”
Girl wtf are you talking about!? He isn't going period. What person in their right mind thinks it is even appropriate to suggest going at all. He can't go. He has a baby. What the fuck?
Whoa? Abusive? Note: the other 2 children aren't his. Snowboarding trip? What, a weekend? He probably feels over pressured much like you. Yeah he balked under pressure - people do. To call that abusive is asinine.
The only lenience I would give is if he left you with other family AND it was a big celebration of something big like a friend's surgery going well. It sounds like neither, so yeah, this guy needs to have his head examined.
Tough one because your other kids are old enough to help every bit as much as he emotionally can.
Are you married to a 11 yr old?
Flip side: the worst is behind you, can you help yourself as much as an 11 yr old can? I’m guessing you can do more.
This ain’t about your traumatic birth and recovery. This is about you need more emotional support and the feeling of him leaving is akin to abandonment feelings.
Those are correct feelings and this sucks.
You now have a choice. I vote to show him how independent you are and strong you are that you will stand your ground at home and do all for others in your strife, and you don’t expect to get a prize for that.
That’s what I expected and accepted when I said “Let’s have a baby.”
Yes he could have been better. But you can be best.
Start being your best because the next time, he’s going to derp out again. You’ll be better prepared.
When he comes back with an injury, are you prepared to take care of him?
Or do you abandon him in retaliation?
What if he died? Would it be all about this? “Oh, not only did he abandon me, he died! And now I’m really abandoned.”
Follow your heart. You already know this is unpleasant. Make sure you accomplish this unpleasantry so that the next time, it either doesn’t hurt so much, or you aren’t as fearful or pissed- or the best time, his presence doesn’t exist.
I mean. Based on your other posts he doesn’t treat you well overall. So it isn’t really shocking that he would think this was okay. You have to decide if this is truly what you want, and understand that by staying you will be continuously treated like this.
I just don’t know what else to do. I want him to hear me and be like he was in the beginning of our relationship. He would hear me out and address my concerns lovingly. Now I’ve really made my bed- bought a house, had a baby… and everything has changed. He is very good to the children and my 1st 2 kids love him.
If he was good to the kids he would prioritize the baby you had together.
How he was at the beginning of the relationship was an act he put on because he already knows that’s how he’s supposed to be. How he’s acting now is who he really is.
God I'm so tired of reading about these scumbag men who do this, it's so awful.
That man doesn’t exist. He put on show for you. Who he is now is his true self.
Your first two kids are seeing you model a relationship in which he assumes zero responsibility for them, and little more for anyone else.
"The 2 older kids are from a previous marriage, so I feel they are my sole responsibility." Is he that good though? It sounds like he doesn't do any parenting or care for the other children
He does some. He’s very involved with helping me through the little things. He takes them to and from activities when I ask. He definitely doesn’t go out on a limb to make sure they have food when I’m not up to it. That’s the main concern there. I am wholly financially responsible for them, and don’t ask him to contribute there at all. (Except when we bought a house together 50/50 we bought one for all of us)
Wow, so he does the bare minimum and only when you ask. He cares so little he would actually let your kids go hungry. That not someone who gives af about your kids.
>He definitely doesn’t go out on a limb to make sure they have food when I’m not up to it. ... yikes.
Oh OP… my husband does more for my DOG from a previous relationship. This man is trash, place him on the curb.
"He definitely doesn’t go out on a limb to make sure they have food when I’m not up to it" He doesn't even feed them when you can't. You're in denial. You need to snap out of it for your kids' sake. This dude treats your kids worse then one would a family pet. Do you think they won't see how they're being treated differently from your youngest son?
I don't understand buying a house and procreating further with a person that is *clearly* not going to accept you and your first two as a package deal. Won't get them food? They're 8 and 12. If they're going to be in a dynamic where there are two parents, *two parents* should be responsible for them. The way you're already taking about them "on the side" is concerning-- making excuses for him that undermine your responsibility and relationship to them. They SHOULD HAVE BEEN your first concern. Buying a house is a big deal. Bringing another baby into the picture is a big deal. I'd either start getting your ducks sorted (since you see what sort of inconsiderate and irresponsible ass this dude is) or put on your Big Girl Pants and have an adult conversation about your *joint* duties as parents. (And not just to Baby Boy.) I'm sorry, but ma'am, you're making a messy, messy bed with no boundaries/expectations and I've got to be honest: From an outsider's perspective, this doesn't look like it's going to end well. I cannot fathom my kids' dad leaving for three weeks before Baby is older, let alone just deciding to do it without talking to you!! I had to reread that twice!! The kids need more support than you're able to give them with a new baby/rough delivery. I hope you can't sort out this messy bed so no one has to suffer for it.
He’s not very good to your older children. He does the bare minimum and you put up with it. Your self-esteem is poor. Your boundaries are practically non-existent and you’re walking on eggshells around this guy. I recommend therapy. Maybe you can do therapy over FaceTime to make it easier on you. You need to get yourself sorted because you need to leave this guy. Consult an attorney before you make any moves. You will need a child custody agreement and then you’ll have to deal with the house. Likely it will need to be sold so you can get your money back. In the meantime, you need to stand up to this guy and tell him no. Do not allow his pouting to affect you. He’s just a big baby and he’s throwing a little temper tantrums because he didn’t get his way. He’s a narcissist. Read up on narcissists. Stop enabling him.
You might want to check up the ‘symptoms’ of NPD/narcissistic abuse
Come on. Not every toxic person, or behavior is related to NPD. This doesn't even make me think it's NPD. Over used.
There are many forms of NPD. Great explanation in a book “Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents”
If you need to hide your pain for your husband to treat you well, you don't need him.
This is how it often happens. People who are abusive don’t show you that side of themselves right off the bat. They show only the good at first, and they don’t show you the rest until you’re already locked down. I know how tempting it is to want to go back to how it was at the start. And I know how easy it is to think, “If only I could (X) then it would go back to the way things were!” But there’s nothing you did wrong to deserve the way he’s treating you. He’s treating you poorly because he’s choosing to, and no amount of perfection from you will ever make him treat you well. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Do you have any family or friends you can reach out to for support? When I was in a deeply unhealthy relationship I ended up pushing my friends away, because I was embarrassed about how bad it had gotten. Reaching out to them helped me see that I deserved better, because no one deserves to be treated with contempt - especially by their partners. Your boyfriend is incredibly out of line and you deserve _so_ much better. If you have other loved ones in your life that you feel safe confiding in, consider sharing this post with them.
He’s NOT good to the kids if he’s treating their MOTHER badly.
That man isn't real. If my husband went on vacation while I was 3 weeks postpartum, there would be new locks on the house when he got back.
That's why you wait more than a year or two to build a life with someone. It's easy to act perfect for the first year. Cracks start showing in years two and three.
Yeah, it's called a trap
He's never going to be that person, OP. That was an act, until you felt stuck with him, like you do now. This is the real him and you are NOT stuck. I bet they do like him, because he probably doesn't do any of the hard work or rule-enforcing. He gets to be "fun", right? Of course kids like that. It doesn't make him a good parental figure. Meanwhile, you're doing all the work and you get all the blame.
🙌. Set limits/expectations NOW (even if it means he ends the relationship). Hugs to you and the 3 little people who depend on you❤️🩹
He's not going to hear you out. He was faking.
Abusers are often good at the beginning, until their prey is trapped as you are now. And he CHOOSES not to hear you.
> I just don’t know what else to do Dont have kids with parasites like these? Sorry.
His behaviour isn’t good for your first two children or you or the baby. The best way you can love children as a man is to love and take care of their mother. And going on a three week ski vacation right after you had the baby… That is not it.
Sis, he treats you like you are just a bang maid.
By very good do you mean he can be charming when he feels like it? Because abandoning your kids to fend for themselves doesn’t sound like someone who is good with kids.
Ok well then expect more of the above unless you want better in which case you need to communicate to him how you’re feeling and what you expect. I’d suggest therapy to see if this can be fixed because if you stay you’ll be putting everyone’s needs before your own.
He love bombed you in the beginning. Now he is showing you the real man behind the mask, and he doesn’t care if you don’t like it. He’s a narcissist and not a good partner or father.
The harsh reality is you're a slave to your chemistry. Oxytocin has you wrapped around its little finger. When a baby duck sees its mother, it forms a lasting bond - to that image of her... In short - he's not your mommy / not the provider that nature, in her blind savage way, insists that he is like air or water to you. The bonds of breeding are brutal and breaking them.. No matter how crappy things are, wilfully breaking that off, hurts more. The paradox is -- it's worth it. It's really really worth it.
Your husband is a bad husband and father. I would be absolutely disgusted with him.
He's not her husband. He's being a typical loser who knocks someone up and then thinks it is only the mothers problem.
Sometimes, there is something to be said for traditional family dynamics. I realize not everything was always peaches and roses. But when you get married first, then start having kids… the male tends to be a little more invested. There are always exceptions, of course. But if he’s unwilling to commit to be a husband, why would anyone assume he’s willing to commit to be a father?
…or, rather, if he's unwilling to commit to be a father, why would anyone assume he's willing to commit to be a husband?
> there is something to be said for traditional family dynamics This would be even worse if they were actually married
There’s so much more. I wish the traditional family dynamics had worked out for me. I now know I have a lot of unhealed trauma that I thought I had worked out from my previous marriage. My ex-husband was abusive- all the kinds. I took some time after finally leaving him and worked on myself. Said I would never let anyone abusive into my life again. I was afraid to get married again after everything I lost (being the main bread winner), and seeing the control it gave my ex over me by being legally bound. I now see that I have failed again. The fact that he wasn’t sexually or physically abusive led me to believe that this one was okay.
i'm guessing your own parents failed to teach or model for you healthy relationships? i'm sorry you did not have better standards for yourself and now your children.
It wasn’t the unhealthiest, but also not the healthiest. Lots of emotional abuse.
Let this selfish jerk go. He may have been the one to give you that baby, but considering he is prioritizing HIS OWN NEEDS above yours and your baby's, he is NOT a suitable parent, NOR WILL HE EVER BE. Let him out *as soon as your body has fully physically recovered from that delivery*, and work on taking care of your children. Get a close trusted friend, or family member to help you if need be. And sweetie, I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible. Once you are able to, ***SEEK A DAMN THERAPIST.*** For the sake of your children, PLEASE do so. A therapist can help you learn to how to set boundaries, and help you get through your trauma. You've been through a LOT of abuse, and abuse causes trauma. And trauma NEVER goes away on its own. If you *don't*, that trauma will seep into day to day life with your kids, and poison your parenting them. ***Abusers ALWAYS start out nice and loving during the beginning of their relationships with others, and only really start showing their true colors when they feel they have locked their targets into a place where they can start controlling them.*** Abusers, like your ex, and this guy, only care about themselves, and you cannot "fix" them, and they will not change. This is NOT something to be taken lightly. I know it's difficult right now, but once your body is fully healed, seek out professional help, not just for your own sake, but for the sake of your children. Your children need a parent who is in good emotional health, and it doesn't sound like you're in a good state right now. You can't rely on your baby's "father", he's a self-centered jerk who's only thinking about himself, and is showing signs of being emotionally abusive to you.
The thing is you traded one abusive relationship, for one that is a little less abusive, but it’s still abuse. The reason why is you need trauma therapy. You don’t actually know what a healthy relationship is. You thought ‘this is the healthiest relationship I’ve been in, so it must be healthy’. Wrong. I also would bet you have PTSD, or CPTSD. Get therapy now, and realize that man really couldn’t care less about you, or your children.
I wish I could upvote this more.
As a dad and husband, yes. This dude is crazy
He's completely abusive. You being scared at him being mad at you is a bad sign. And him even considering going at such a time is a worse one. And him resenting you for that is worse again. I'm so so sorry. Are you in the habit of hiding your pain and difficulties to make life easier for others?
Absolutely. I have found it “easier” to hide, but have also had a hard time keeping things hidden. He doesn’t like to talk about feelings. He says feelings should be kept inside. This may be because he was not raised in a home where they talked about feelings.
This relationship is toxic
He wants *your* feelings kept inside, but he's happy to express anger as much as he wants. Anger is a feeling.
This! Men like this don’t seem to understand that anger is also an emotion. 🙄
>This may be because he was not raised in a home where they talked about feelings. Is that how you want your kids to grow up? That tiny baby boy in your arms, do you want him to grow up this way? To make his future partner feel like you do right now? Unsupported and burdensome?
It doesn't really matter why he feels the way he does. But the fact that you have to hide your emotions and feelings because he gets upset when they're talked about is abusive plain and simple. You're walking on eggshells all the time because you're afraid to express yourself for how he will react. Please read up on abusive relationships and if possible get a therapist for yourself so that you can deal with this stuff much much better. You need somebody who's on your side no matter what that's not your baby's father.
OK so for future reference, you should stop dating a man when he says things like that. A man who thinks feelings should be kept inside is a HORRIBLE choice for a partner. How are you supposed to have any communication or emotional intimacy with that kind of man? Ridiculius. It was absolutely a huge mistake to have a child with this guy, but you can't do anything about that now except salvage your future and make better choices going forward.
Please stop hiding. My mum spent 30+ years hiding and when he eventually left her for his mistress of 5 years, she had a breakdown. She didn’t know how to function in her own right. She was so used to being a shadow so not to anger him. I grew up thinking that was normal! It’s been 20 years since he left and she’s grown so much, but the scars still remain for all of us. He’s verbally and emotionally abusive, he’s neglectful. He’s not worth keeping.
Yeah, I bet he says that he’s *fine*. Fucking Ignoring Negative Emotions
You’re going to have to do so much extra work to make sure that your son is able to express his feelings and experiences despite the learning he will receive from his father. And unless you’re in the Deep South or some other conservative place, your son is going to have a very difficult keeping up with his peers who are currently being taught that their emotions and feelings are valid. Dating will be impossible because people of his age at that time won’t deal with people like that.
No feelings should definitely not be kept inside
He doesn't like to talk about YOUR feelings. He's talking plenty about his own feelings about not going snowboarding. (Anger is a feeling) And easier to hide because you haven't been supported in expressing? You know that in healthy relationships people can always express their feelings? Yes, respectfully and calmly. But to say what's going on for them, and to be heard, and to have their issue taken seriously.
No feelings should definitely not be kept inside
A lot of people were raised in homes like that—we choose who we are as grownups. You can expect better.
Perhaps you would benefit from reading Women Who Love Too Much. Sounds like your relationship is toxic and this guy is emotionally unavailable at best and at worst emotionally abusive.
Unless they’re his feelings over not getting to go play because he’s supposed to be a father and a partner, lol.
[удалено]
Thank you, that is how I felt, but was second guessing because of how he is treating me.
Something is broken in your boyfriend. He's too old to lack empathy. You may want to think about your children growing up with him as a role model
I would have left the day he thought it was okay to leave you immediately after giving birth. The only upside is you don't have to divorce him as I don't think you're married(?). Just get your shit while he's on his trip and peace the fuck out. If not for you then your kids. If you want them to not put up with abuse now and in the future please leave.
I am a man. I am a dad. No. Wouldnt even think of this.
Your husband is an AH. I had my baby girl 6/24 via c section. I have a hernia and am in a large amount of pain. My husband won’t even let me waddle to the bathroom without him. We have an 11, 7 and 18mon. Kids at home and he has taken on full daddy day care mode. Your husband should be prioritizing you and your kids. My older are from another relationship and my husband only sees them as his and so should yours. He should be supporting you and taking care of you….. not snowboarding …. He sounds selfish and uncaring. Find your strength and confront this before it gets worse. Congratulations on your baby and I hope you recover quickly.
Talk to his ex-wife and ask her how he treated her. If it was about the same....now you know why they are divorced. You are headed there with a brand new child.
He treats you like shit. Did he treat you like this before or did he change after the baby? Being how he's a shitty partner and a shitty dad, my hopes aren't high that he's a great step dad. How is he with your other two kids?
He’s a selfish asshole. Does he actually care about you? Wild. UPDATEME
You need to post this to r/AITAH You will find out very quickly that you are not the AH and he very much is. He needs to watch baby delivery videos until he gets his head out of his sphincter and apologizes.
Soooo many issues here. Why are you procreating with someone you can't be honest with? Why doesn't he care about your well being? Does he not understand the impact of giving birth? Wild all around. Him going on this trip is insane.
Because babies solve everything /s
even if you had a perfect birth with an easy recovery, your partner should not have wanted to go on a trip 3 weeks after. does he not want to bond with his new child or help take some stress off his partner? the fact that he got angry with you for not wanting him to go is a huge red flag. he clearly doesn’t understand how traumatic child birth is on a woman’s body, and how it can mentally be traumatic as well. i hope you have a better support system than just him. there is no scenario i can imagine where it is appropriate for a new dad to go on a vacation leaving his partner alone with a newborn and 2 kids after just giving birth, especially without even talking to his partner about it first.
He TOLD you you are fine?! Oh hell no! He doesn't decide that. He is delusional thinking it's ok to leave his newborn baby at home with their mother who is recovering and still has 2 other kids to care for.
That’s what I thought! Like are you seriously telling me that I’m fine? He said because I seemed happy and was using the restroom…
What a low bar. He's being a huge jerk.
Just grab the bull by the horns. Tell him you feel guilty for not letting him go on his trip. Tell him how much in pain you are and why you were putting on a brave face Tell him you need him to have your back now. When you will feel better, he can go on his trip. Remind him that if the roles were reversed, you’ll do the same for him
Your boyfriend is trash for leaving you three weeks postpartum, telling you you are fine, and also for apparently being so volatile that you are afraid to say no in the first place because he would get mad.
So you are recovering for a medical procedure, have a child that requires full care from you, plus you have a couple other kids that can't care for themselves. And you are worried about pissing off your partner? He should be home feeding the four of your (plus himself) because you already have your hands full.
I wonder why his first wife divorced his ass??? You married a very immature, thoughtless, selfish person. >I tried to go along with it because I didn’t want him to get mad at me for not letting him go. HONEY......WHERE ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES? Imagine if it was him being on so much pain and relied on you. Are you going to book a 3 week European vacation with your friends and leave him to fend for himself after a painful surgery????? This was your time to say: NO, I NEED YOU. IM IN PAIN 24-7. Are you going to hire someone to help me while you are gone???? OP......you allow this man to walk all over you and that's why he's with you: BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE CAN GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING AND YOU SIT AND SAY NOTHING. Google: CO-DEPENDENT behavior, Narcissistic abuse, Setting Boundaries
Simple. No. Self explanatory. Im a dad. I remember when my wife gave birth. Leave her with the newborn to do all of the work after she struggled to give birth? Absofuckinglutely not.
I’m a dad of two. The dad’s job is to help take care of you and the newborn for as long as you need it. The fact that he put his enjoyment over you and the baby is wrong. Look, postpartum is hard for dads too. I get it. Sometimes you want a day away. But you don’t get that day until mom is okay. Now if you had help from like a relative or friend coming over for the day then that might be different. But two weeks in? Without you being okay with it? Dad needs to get his priorities straight.
I notice you say baby’s father, not husband. You need to move out, get a lawyer, and establish child support with visitation when the baby is old enough. You are not his babysitter for guy trips. You should NEVER be afraid to express your feelings to your partner. This is an abusive, toxic relationship that needs to end.
Sounds like you are home with 2 baby’s and 2 kids.
Even if the birth wasn't difficult that is an asshole thing to do and asshole way to react. He sounds like a douchebag. He is telling you how he views you and it doesn't seem like he is concerned about you much judging by what you said here. He is mid 40s and acting like this. BTW your comment about sole responsibility of your other kids, while they aren't his, if its a partner they should still be supportive and help with them too, that's how partners work. I'm not saying he needs to be their father, but he needs to at least support you supporting them if you're going to be a family. Sounds like he might be a dud.
Exactly this! Don’t get into relationships with people who have children if you’re not going to parent their children
Why did you tie yourself to someone so uncaring? Yeah, you need to let him be all the way gone and actually find someone that actually cares about you.
I went from a love bombing relationship, extremely abusive so I am guessing this was the farthest from that as a knee jerk reaction. Although in the beginning he did get me nice presents and take me out and showed affection it was never too much. Now all of that is gone and it’s just cold. He doesn’t understand why I need so much.
> He doesn’t understand why I need so much. You don't need too much. You need to get away from this man so you can heal up mentally and physically, and to learn how to not get into these situations again in the future.
Stop hiding your feelings to impress him, it's backfiring, now he thinks you're made of stone and don't need anything.
I'm a father to 2 boys first one very traumatic delivery for us I'd not for one second dream of leaving my partner for a ski trip after that what a complete dick
This bullshit is so common. I can’t believe what we put up with. This is not ok, OP. I know you’re probably rationalising it, but deep down, you know you deserve better. Congratulations on your new baby.
Even if I didn’t just give birth, I’d be pissed that my husband was going away for 3 weeks without me, unless if it was work related.
Sorry- I realize it sounds like a long trip. I need to edit my post I think. We are about an hour and a half away from the slopes so it would have been a day trip, and I was 3 weeks post delivery. I asked him how long he would be gone- that was the first thing I said about being uneasy with him going. He freaked out and said he didn’t know because he didn’t know how good the snow would be and what traffic would be like. But he would likely be gone from 6am-5 or 6 pm if he did his normal day.
Ahh ok - still he’s a jerk for leaving you when you’re not feeling well and have to care for the kids at the same time.
You understand that he’s also the parent of a newborn, yes? And that means that he doesn’t just get to waltz away from his child? This sounds toxic af.
Men are such assholes smh
Your husband hates you.
You’re not wrong.
Question is...do you agree with him? Do you also hate yourself?
45 and still an idiot.
Stop “going along with” things because you “don’t want him to get mad at you.” Stop being in a relationship with someone who sticks you with all the work of childrearing and household maintenance. Stand up for yourself. For the sake of yourself and of your children. (And your young children from a previous marriage ARE NOT your sole responsibility. Part of being your partner is being a parent to your children. If he’s forsaking that responsibility he is a shitty person and a worse parent.) Your child’s father is
Boyfriend is trash I’m sorry but he probably won’t change for the better
While he's snowboarding, you should move out.
He sounds like a real classy guy. /s Has he always been like this, or is it a sudden out-of-the-blue thing? Let's face, I would assume you wouldn't have asked unless you felt it wasn't absolutely necessary and even then he should have been a whole lot more generous. What is his attitude towards being a father? A lot of men say they're keen when they really aren't.
NTA- girl, he is guilting you for asking for help after a bad delivery and you have two other kids?? Seriously think about continuing on with this dude
Oh you should have just let him go alright. Out the door and stay there, mf. I'll bring you a nice little packet of paper to read if you're bored. Don't forget to sign it. What an asshole.
Your husband is an asshole. Sry, not sry 🤷🏽♂️
It’s time for a commitment from this guy. You now have 3 kids to provide for and this guy just wants to go snowboarding? Wow, he’s got it made
He’s either so stupid it should be a crime or he hates you. Any decent man would not be leaving you 3 weeks post partem with two other kids.
Um. Why do women give children to bad men? A good human would not even want to leave you and the baby. Make plans to go without him or to live with a bad person.
Girl.. your baby's father is incredibly selfish. I can't imagine why you'd even have to ask him to stay with you. That's common decency and the bare minimum he could do. I know that you've said your children from previous relationships are not his and they are your responsibility.. but ANY person that dates or even marries a man or woman with children needs to understand it's a package deal. Those children should be loved as his own. This man started a family with you. Your children are family too. At the very least, he should be helping with his very own baby. He needs to understand that living like a man with no responsibilities is over. Being a dad comes first. If he resents you for that or can't even be decent, I wouldn't want to be with him. Ask him why he thinks it was appropriate for him to plan this with a new baby there.
what is the husband who decides to travel for three weeks alone and leaves his wife at home with 3 children, I wouldn't wish this husband on anyone, I'm sorry you go through this situation, call someone from your family to help you and let him go, have Focus on your children and on you, a man who is a man would never do that...
Tell him he can go, once you cut from scrotum to sphincter. Tell him he’ll be fine on the slopes. When he gets back, the little ones will be his responsibility as well.
"If you go on this trip, realize that you will return single and need a new place to live. Please pack your belongings and leave before you go so you don't disturb us moving out once the baby is home."
Next time, pick better. Don't have kids with losers.
He's a fucking asshole. I cannot believe he had the gall to actually get angry at the mother of his baby who is clearly physically limited on top of having a newborn. I would PISSED even if you didn't have a difficult delivery, even if it was the easiest delivery (does this even exist??) and he decided to go on some moronic snowboarding trip 3 weeks afterward. Is he 3 years old?!? What a disgraceful father and a pathetic excuse for a "man." I get absolutely enraged when I hear of women excusing their men's very asinine and selfish behavior. Not enraged at the women but toward the idiots who spurt out sperm, say Hey, I need a break! and just act like they can skate by doing anything less than half of the child work/house load. You have every right to rage at him too. Every right.
This seems to be the typical "self-involved man-child" syndrome combined with bad communication. I say bad communication on your part because you were not being honest about how you were actually feeling. However! You mention in the comments that you were in a very abusive relationship with your ex. Hearing this makes me believe you are working within the bounds of PTSD. I can't blame you for bad communication under these conditions, because PTSD will hinder good communication, and will lead a person to not communicate their real feelings. That leaves the obvious. Your new man is a child. He hasn't grown up, and he still thinks that the world revolves around him, and no one should be allowed to interfere with his ability to enjoy life. He will not change unless he recognizes this on his own. The decision. That's what you have left, and the considerations are above.
Stop being a Cool Girl. Let your partner know you need help.
I’d like to believe this isn’t true. Because WTH?
You should never ask anyone if you should feel guilty or not. People make their own decisions. In your case... if he made a good decision or not, that's up to you guys to decide and work things through.
I have four kids with my husband (they’re now 4, 6, 8, and 9). He has gone on many big trips (3-5 nights away) since we’ve had kids, and one of them was when I was about a week postpartum. The huge difference between your partner and my husband is that my husband absolutely never commits to a trip without making sure I am enthusiastically on board. The trip he took when I was postpartum was for his cousins stag and he didn’t even ask to go I just told him that he should since we weren’t attending the wedding. I also have freakishly smooth recovery post-birth as natures way of making up for my horrifically uncomfortable pregnancies. What I’m trying to say here is that the trip is a symptom of bigger issues at play. Your partner should prioritize you and your wellbeing without having to be asked. You guys are supposed to be a team. He’s being a shitty partner, parent, and teammate. Just because you have a house and a baby with someone doesn’t mean to need to stay in a relationship with them. You deserve to be with someone who will love, value, and treat you with kindness and respect.
Sorry but you went from one jerk off to another. He wants to ski instead of handling his family. He sounds like a catch….
He's like this because he chooses to be like this. Not wanting to talk about your feelings is one thing. People aren't abusive because they don't want to talk about their feelings, they are abusive because they want what they want and they don't want to consider other people - he is getting exactly what he wants. He has a baby he doesn't have to care for, a woman he doesn't have to care for, and he gets to go snowboarding. He's knows that he has to scare you and control you to get that and he's okay with that. I really really recommend reading this book - "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". He's like this because it works for him and he's choosing to do this. You can buy it or find it for free online and I'm sure you library has it.
This could only be worse if he was using paternity leave to make the trip!😎
When someone shows you they don’t give a crap about you like this…also doesn’t care much about his own baby. It’s messed up and he’s being terrible
Speak up and be honest. The idea of him going on vacation without me is a red flag. I think it's disturbing that he would willingly leave his wife, children including a newborn alone while he goes on a 3 week vacation trip. What kind of relationship do you have? If he pouts, then consider whether you have a marriage set all. He should be invested in the marriage, his wife, his family and doing his share. I think you need to really consider where you stand in this relationship.
Sounds like you see who you want him to be and not for who he really is. 3 weeks post partum? Youre barely healed. Hell to the no.
lol. I feel like i didn’t see a concert for 3 years after my kid was born.
Why do people have kids when one partner clearly doesn’t want the hassle. Also if he’s with you than those children become his responsibility as well. You devalued yourself to a useless man that truly doesn’t respect or care about you
The comment about your previous children from a last relationship was a bit of a red flag for me. My fiancee and I have been together two years and have a 1 year old. He considers my 7yo as his own. Mind you, there’s no other baby dad in the picture as I had him as a single mom, but he would never book something like that without checking nor would he ever want me to think my 7yo is only “my responsibility”. Your man sucks and I hope he acts right
You should have absolutely let your partner go! Go back to whatever dumpster he crawled out from, that is.
Frankly, I would tell him to go ahead and do that. And the divorce papers will be on the table when he gets home. He’s a grown man he’s a father you just had a baby tell him to grow up. Just my opinion.
you absolutely shouldn’t feel guilty for asking for support after a difficult delivery. its completely reasonable to need time to recover and adjust, especially with a newborn and two older kids. it sounds like you were doing your best to manage everything while dealing with a lot of pain and discomfort. dont hesitate to express your needs and feelings, your well-being and recovery are so important. sending you lots of positivity and hugs.
Even if you seemed fine, I don’t believe the trope men don’t understand what childbirth and delivery is like. It shouldn’t have even been considered
If he’s going to abandon you when you need him most he might as well keep going. I don’t care how wonderful he is in bed, he’s not worth it. You don’t have the time or energy to deal with his bullshit. He adds nothing to you or your kids lives.
Looks like you're going to have to go through a separation again (if you want) I think you should. Honestly he doesn't respect you at all and doesnt sound supportive at all. He's the one in the wrong. I would repeat this story back to yourself for clarity.
He is an ass. No decent father would ever think "Hey, my partner just popped out an infant 3 weeks ago. Perfect time for me to take a vacation!"
The guy is trash. You’re a single mother, he just gets benefits from you. My advice is leave, and focus on yourself and the people who love you and your children. All of them. You need to work on your self esteem, and only then will you find the man worthy of you.
Op he’s 45 yrs old I don’t think he’s going to change. I think you might need to go to therapy again and get out of this relationship😢
This seems to be the typical "self-involved man-child" syndrome combined with bad communication. I say bad communication on your part because you were not being honest about how you were actually feeling. However! You mention in the comments that you were in a very abusive relationship with your ex. Hearing this makes me believe you are working within the bounds of PTSD. I can't blame you for bad communication under these conditions, because PTSD will hinder good communication, and will lead a person to not communicate their real feelings. That leaves the obvious. Your new man is a child. He hasn't grown up, and he still thinks that the world revolves around him, and no one should be allowed to interfere with his ability to enjoy life. He will not change unless he recognizes this on his own. The decision. That's what you have left, and the considerations are above.
NTA but stop minimizing your pain and discomfort! Why are you afraid to be real with this guy. He’s a dad with a 3-week-old BABY. Why in the hell would he think that it was OK to go snowboarding for a day even if you felt fine? Why are you with this guy? He sounds just awful. He’s 45yo and is acting like he’s 22! WTH-?? I doubt he loves you. That’s not love.
Uh why should you feel bad? You gave birth to his child, he should be pampering you. Taking care of household needs, child care, and support that’s his job as partner, as a father, and more importantly a role model to his children.
No. When you are in a relationship with someone you should be allowed to say, "I need your help." Sure, they are allowed to be pissy they were unable to go on that trip. To a certain extent that is understandable. But if they blame you, they may just be a piece of garbage.
Wow that’s selfish. Fuck this guy. Why ru even with him? Hell no girl.
Men are stupid I’d divorce him
Thats pretty shitty im sorry. Is being on your own something you would consider? Would it be more difficult than being with him? What i would do in your shoes is start to think less of him and more about yourself and your kids. Get from him what you can, and start distancing your feelings from him and build a nest egg for yourself in case things go badly. Tell him what he needs to do: clean this, fix dinner every wednesday, etc. Dont cater to him. He's too comfortable. But you need to get yourself mentally ready for being on your own, i think. It'll only go downhill and you should be ready.
Jesus, he fucking abandons you after you've just pushed a human out of you? I couldn't imagine doing that to my wife.
Communicating your feelings/concerns/physical and emotional pain is absolutely a must, more so in a household with kids. Your partner needs to be updated about what’s going on with you and be able to have a conversation or make new arrangements. Do not keep smiling if you are not ok or not speak up your mind because he would be upset. Have a talk, tell him you are still fragile from delivery and would appreciate his help and support in this journey that is also his. Ask him to reschedule his trip or to help pay for a nurse for the days he will not be home. If you cannot sit and have an honest conversation with your partner then what kind of relationship is that?
Playing devils advocate here. Having a baby was a bit of a shock for my partner. I had a difficult delivery, postpartum complications, yet he wanted to get away for a few days to take a breather…not impressed and disappointed is how I felt. On the other hand I know men can feel a bit different in this situation and knowing him, 3-4 days away would help him to mentally regroup. I feel like it was a good decision that he went. Less pressure for me by not seeing his scared face. Now, I’m not sure if I’d be so open minded having two more kids at home…plus he was in constant communication, asking his family to look after me…I feel like when it’s done in a reasonable manner it can help…of course it’s important to watch if boundaries aren’t crossed…
“I tried to go along with it…” While it is absurd that he did this, it is a day trip and he is a first time father so I can see how he may have planned this out of sheer ignorance (many fathers have to go back to work 2 weeks after the birth). I’m not saying it’s okay at all but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt ONLY for the sake of this response. My question is: what is it about your dynamic that made you kow tow rather than asking for what you need? Is he generally a jerk, or do you generally avoid communication? Without knowing the factors at play here all we can do is answer the question at hand: no it’s not a bad thing to ask him to skip the trip and stay home to help. You don’t need to go into detail about how bad this delivery was either. It doesn’t matter if you had the worlds easiest delivery. If you need additional support you need to ask for it. You cannot expect him to read your mind. Yes he should be doing more here but you can only control yourself.
I was nervous because when I have asked for help or expressed feelings in the past, he doesn’t like it. A good example is his reaction here. He told me I was fine and overreacting. He said his friends got to go snowboarding shortly after having babies so I should be fine. And the ultimate fear- him using it against me later by holding a grudge. Which he is doing.
Let him be unhappy then. He doesn’t have to agree with you. He can kick and scream all he wants. He can flat out say no. You can still put your foot down so you’ve made yourself clear. Don’t debate. Foot down
Just communicate how you really feel and use the words “I feel like” over the words “you should”
if you are still in pain, I would go to the doctor and get it checked out. I've never been through pregnancy but it doesn't sound right to still be in pain?
This was a bit ago, and just got brought up again so wanted outside expert opinion. It was way rougher than my last 2. Doctors just said he was big and caused issues. Took 8 weeks to be able to sit down again. I’m now 5 mo postpartum and much better. Thank you.
I did tell him at 6 weeks I was fine if he wanted to go, but he never ended up going. Now he’s blaming the whole thing on me saying “I didn’t even get to go snowboarding this year”
Girl wtf are you talking about!? He isn't going period. What person in their right mind thinks it is even appropriate to suggest going at all. He can't go. He has a baby. What the fuck?
Whoa? Abusive? Note: the other 2 children aren't his. Snowboarding trip? What, a weekend? He probably feels over pressured much like you. Yeah he balked under pressure - people do. To call that abusive is asinine.
The only lenience I would give is if he left you with other family AND it was a big celebration of something big like a friend's surgery going well. It sounds like neither, so yeah, this guy needs to have his head examined.
Tough one because your other kids are old enough to help every bit as much as he emotionally can. Are you married to a 11 yr old? Flip side: the worst is behind you, can you help yourself as much as an 11 yr old can? I’m guessing you can do more. This ain’t about your traumatic birth and recovery. This is about you need more emotional support and the feeling of him leaving is akin to abandonment feelings. Those are correct feelings and this sucks. You now have a choice. I vote to show him how independent you are and strong you are that you will stand your ground at home and do all for others in your strife, and you don’t expect to get a prize for that. That’s what I expected and accepted when I said “Let’s have a baby.” Yes he could have been better. But you can be best. Start being your best because the next time, he’s going to derp out again. You’ll be better prepared. When he comes back with an injury, are you prepared to take care of him? Or do you abandon him in retaliation? What if he died? Would it be all about this? “Oh, not only did he abandon me, he died! And now I’m really abandoned.” Follow your heart. You already know this is unpleasant. Make sure you accomplish this unpleasantry so that the next time, it either doesn’t hurt so much, or you aren’t as fearful or pissed- or the best time, his presence doesn’t exist.