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bitch **I’M** still processing. These screenshots could’ve been made in MSPaint and I would still be reeling from the secondhand embarrassment from the guy.
I used to do that over text when I was like 16... The girl I liked politely called me cringe and I never made that mistake again.
How some people don't learn this lesson and keep it up even past their thirties boggles me.
I have long since stopped falling for this crap. Gain some confidence. Fake it til you make it. It's okay to be unsure. It's even okay to ask for feedback from ALL party members.
This is beyond immature and insecure. Yeah, it's creepy but in a pathetic kind of way.
Another one that bugs me...
If I am the last to text something and they don't respond, I let it go.
Then they message like a month later,
> "Haven't heard from you!"
**I am done enabling jaded/broken people. I put in All The Work to make myself well. You are not using my strength as your crutch.**
Best case scenario: "You just showed me basic sympathy. You also said something nice to me. That is a sign that we are soulmates."
Worst case scenario: "Time to make myself look like a poor insecure boy in need of comfort and saving. That's what girls like right? Oh wait, are you a *rEaL* girl? Oh shit, how do I load my last save state?"
Lol that was exactly my thought. this was totally how I interacted with girls I liked when I was like 14-15 years old and just sucked at being a person.
What most people consider a fedora isn't even a fedora, technically speaking. It's a different type of hat called a trilby. A fedora generally has a flat brim and a crease in the top of the hat whereas the trilby has the brim turned up in the back and a more of a bowl top instead of a crease.
Also, generally a trilby is cheap (you can get one for ten bucks or less) whereas a true fedora costs some real money. So some choad posturing like they're draped in a tuxedo because of the discount-bin cap on their head is especially hilarious.
On one hand, congrats on passing, I guess.
On the other hand.... wtf dude lol I half expected him to start talking with asterisks and the pushing fingers together and whatnot. Reminds me of the "Use your words, I don't speak bottom" meme.
You’re spot on. Trans women are *highly* fetishised by a *lot* of dudes out there. But when we want them to treat us like normal people, suddenly all their affection for us dries up.
It is. It’s pretty exhausting knowing that trans women are more accepted as a porn category than as people. And a lot of the people who hate us are the same ones who slobber over porn of us, as if porn is the *only* place we should exist in their minds.
Thanks for the sympathy. It’s always reassuring meeting allies.
I can only imagine. The world would be a great place if it wasn't for all the people.
And no problem, my view on trans people is that they're unfortunately just the new public enemy that the government uses as a distraction from the other shit they pull.
"Don't worry about energy crises, starving people, homelessness, housing crisis and climate crisis that we're causing for our own profit, you need to protect your precious children from the dangerous trans community that statistically has literally never been a danger to children especially when compared to things like churches; they're clearly more dangerous to your your kids than cooking and poisoning the environment, and inflation increasing at an unprecedented rate for our profit"
I've never understood how anyone buys into the trans hate in the first place, people need a hobby.
They have a hobby. Let's call it book club. And the goal is much like Where's Waldo, except instead of finding a jolly striped shirt wearing fellow you find sections of text that can be interpreted into hateful variations of "I'm better than you."
It's frustrating, but unsurprising. I'm a 6'3" goth woman. I give off a certain *vibe*, so I can't claim to be shocked that the guys who hit me up are looking for a goth mommy domme. It's just disappointing that it feels like there's either zero interest from men . . . or they're chasers.
There are also a brand of incel and MGTOW weirdo who get so mad about women "getting everything in life" that they 'ironically' transition.
It's fucking weird. There's a video on it.
GMs be like "I- I- you- you're very beautiful wow are you fully female now" ***GAME MASTER, WHAT? SPEAK. SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY*** (besides shitty flirting)
Unsolicited flirting from a DM
*Unsolicited flirting from a DM that follows self-deprecating private messages*
***Unsolicited flirting from a DM that follows self-deprecating private messages followed by both invasive and downright creepy questions regarding one's gender orientation***
**CEASE ALL CONTACT WITH THIS CREEP IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT 2D100**
The self deprecating before unsolicited flirting is so insidious. I'm old and don't give a shit now, but in my teens/early twenties that kind of sympathy play would totally lower my defences and make me want to be kind to them, probably getting myself even more wrapped up in their bullshit.
> that kind of sympathy play would totally lower my defences and make me want to be kind to them, probably getting myself even more wrapped up in their bullshit.
Which is why they do it. It's a manipulative play.
You're a nice lady, lol. I am in my late tens, and whenever I see that kind of play, I try to be sympathetic the best I can. However, if it goes on for too long, I run out of sympathy material, so then I joke around and agree with em. Which makes them mad at me. For some reason. And I have to apologize for being insensitive, and they would leave(?) lmao.
I thought it was just cuz I wasn't a good enough listener, only now do I realize that those guys who complimented me only to self deprecate right after were probably flirting with me, and frustrated, because they were getting nothing.
It's weird how people either over praise themselves or deprecate themselves, lol. Why not just be honest?
Either way it's to get a reaction, I think. Either you feel like you have to agree with the high praise they give themselves (and if you don't, then you're not what they're looking for!), or you compliment them out of pity.
*"You see the discord message light up with an @ featuring your username.*
*Your eyes briefly make out a few words such a "Hey gurl" before the discord moderator removes the post and bans the unsavory individual*
*You have survived your encounter with 'discord creeper'*
*Gain 3XP"*
Yeah, the red flags started flaring up on the self-deprecating message. In my experience, people who get this self-deprecating when talking to someone they barely know are always up to no good, whether they realise it or not
Clearly this guy's a fucking creep. But I've got an honest question: if you're into cis and trans women, but not attracted to dicks, is there EVER an appropriate time to ask? Or do you just find out on the 3rd date and leave awkwardly?
I'm bi and married, so it's never been an issue for me, but I'm curious. I hope that's an okay question to ask.
I mean, for me, it ends up coming up around the time my potential partner and I are feeling like the relationship can lead towards intimacy. And, normally, trans people will bring it up themselves since it is part of consent. They only normally bring it up when they feel safe to and it absolutely feels more natural when we bring it up.
Honestly, I was dating a lady who was very sweet and she brought it up probably 3-4 dates in a way I felt was appropriate. She said she really did like my company, but struggled to find female sex genitalia attractive sexually and asked if that would be a deal breaker.
When it comes up like this though from what is basically a total stranger with which you have no connection like that or even a current thought of a connection like that there's really only two most likely reasons. The reasons are they're gonna fetishize you or they're gonna be thinly or blatantly transphobic about it.
I'm also transmasc and so cannot speak for transfemme people. Sorry if this was more info than needed!
>Or do you just find out on the 3rd date and leave awkwardly?
People have a *ton* of different ways of acquiring/sharing information about each other. Sometimes you meet up with someone four different times before they say something like "Oh my gosh my boyfriend loves these!" and you have to bite back your sad little lesbian feelings about this crush you didn't realize was forming. But you didn't directly ask, and they weren't directly saying "hey don't catch feelings I'm taken" (or maybe they were) but now you know you aren't forming a romantic relationship with this person.
If our flirtations seem to be spicing up and I don't drop somewhere in the conversation what I've got as a throwaway FYI, our flirtations aren't actually spicing up. I'm not going to get someone all the way to my bed and hope they're excited when I take my clothes off lol. That's asking for soul crushing vomit-crying levels of dysphoria and rejection. If you have any need to be curious, I'll make sure you get the memo. There's never any need to ask.
Generally speaking, the only appropriate time to ask this question is when it’s genuinely relevant to you. So, if you’re interested in them, and you know they’re trans, you’d ask when you’re about to get physically intimate with them. However, most will volunteer that information themselves.
It's a matter of timing. There's an appropriate point in a relationship when you'll need to discuss stuff like this, especially when it comes to trans people.
I know, for myself, people usually tend to ask the question way too early. If I haven't even been on a single date with you yet and we're just talking, that's too early.
If we've been on a couple dates and we're thinking about getting intimate with each other, that's a good time to start talking.
If we're crawling into bed together and still haven't had this conversation, it's too late.
Like I said, it's all about timing. If the timing is right, it's a perfectly appropriate question, if it isn't, it's awkward and inappropriate. This post is a perfect example of someone asking way too early. And you'll know they're about to ask a question when they pull out the "can I ask you a question?" line.
Girl. Girl no. GIRL NO. Nooooope nope nope nope. Kindest thing you could do is tell this dude that was super inappropriate and uncomfortable and you aren't gonna be around him anymore. And that's if you don't wanna give him both barrels telling him off. The flags are so red it might as well be a house fire. Be safe, these kinds of people can get aggressive/violent very quickly.
> Why do people just not know how to act around trans people?
Extreme minority. How would most people learn? Most people learn social cues by acting around people, not by getting lectures on twitter or whatever.
I'm not saying asking about other's junk is okay, just that this is a new situation for most.
lol idk why, but it always makes me laugh when someone applies "meat" to words referring to body parts. Like in Adventure Time "Ow, my cheekmeat!" and I just got one from watching Mieruko-chan tonight with "boobmeat".
Update folks: the store has banned him. Turns out some of the women who work there had some less-than-normal interactions with him and I was the point where he went far enough to warrant banning.
👏👏👏
For what it's worth, I'm sorry that you had to be the straw that broke that camel's back. You didn't deserve that, but I'm really glad that you felt safe enough to go to them about it and that they listened and acted.
Ew. 🤢
I’m hoping you ran and there was no game two?
How many red flags did this guy have going on.
Grown ass man seeks validation from young female members of the table? Asks them about their genitalia?
Run run run. Do not pass go. Do not collect £100.
👀
I learned really fast after my transition that men who do a lot of self deprecating with women are often, knowingly or not, doing it as a manipulation tactic to get us to say nice things about them. One time I made the mistake of agreeing when a man said their behavior might be problematic and he got really upset and aggressive really fast.
Posts like these make me feel good about my social skills. I might not be great at it, but fucking hell at least I’m not this oblivious and awful to be around.
The “very well done” on slide 2 is one of those replies that’s so bad I didn’t think it was an option. Like it’s a BioWare game and he bought a special perk that granted access to new, worse dialogue trees.
“Very well done I had no idea” is such a backhanded compliment I don’t think he even realised how fucking rude that is. The point of being trans is not to hide being trans 😒
I get a similar thing all the time. “You don’t sound autistic.”
I think it stems from them feeling so awkward about not knowing what to say that their brain short circuits. Perhaps that is giving too much benefit of the doubt though.
Nah, I think it’s probably just that they assume that being trans or autistic is something shameful that you should try to hide. Hence why they might congratulate someone for “hiding it” well (even if they’re literally just living their lives normally and it’s the observer who is assuming they’re hiding it).
That has happened to me in face to face interactions, when I say something rude or awful because my brain shortcircuits. But this is text. You can think your answer, you can wait the shortcircuit to go away.
Wait ... isn't it? I'm always hearing from IRL trans friends that they don't want to be seen as "a trans woman", they want to be seen as *a woman*.
I mean this guy is gross and what he said was nasty, but I thought passing was in fact the goal? (Genuine question, asking to hear opinions not to um-akshually!)
I think they worded it funny. For me, the point of changing my appearance to represent my actual gender is not to *look* like I am someone who was one gender and now is a different one - I just want to look like a boring, average, typical presentation of my gender. I'm just a dude unless you're someone I trust to talk about my trans experiences, and even then, I'm *still* a dude, you're just getting the backstory.
If someone says "you pass really well", what I hear is "I have a specific picture in my head of what trans people people look like and you have stepped outside of that so you're better than people who aren't passing well". Complimenting me for passing just makes me think about what that means for the commenter's opinions on trans folk in general. If someone isn't "passing" enough, can I trust the commenter to be respectful about it? Can I feel safe that they won't get more invasive with questioning, to try and get an "a-ha" about my identity or body?
Unwarranted evaluation and approval for "passing" is extremely unwanted. No one did their transition for you so sit down. If (general) you have an intent to genuinely compliment a trans woman for their presentation - compliment their outfit, hair, etc because they are *just* a woman, and it's just as stupid and creepy to critique a cis woman's presentation of femininity.
(sorry if I sound aggro, I think your question was respectful!)
Well, to be fair, there are mixed opinions on that. Some trans people want nothing more than to pass and be completely “stealth”. This can be a thing where they feel more happy and successful as a trans person the fewer people notice, or it can be a thing where they simply feel *safer* when no one knows. And of course it’s never just one or the other, there’s a sliding scale of feelings here. Passing can make you feel *mostly* just happy and euphoric while also just giving you a bit of relief that you feel safe. If that makes sense? It’s a bit more complicated than just wanting to be seen as cis.
There’s also a whole other category of feelings on this subject when passing isn’t the goal. For me, I both cannot and do not want to pass as a cis woman. This is because I would need a LOT of makeup and clothing to pretend to be cis and it just wouldn’t be worth the effort. Plus, I’m non-binary and actually get a sense of gender euphoria from being androgynous. And also, passing as a man most of the time keeps me safe in the very transphobic country I live in (the UK).
But anyway. Complimenting a trans person that they don’t seem trans is basically the same as saying “if you did seem trans, that would be a bad thing”. And that’s rude. It’s the same as saying to someone that they don’t seem disabled, or the like.
Eh. It can be. Mostly it's about getting comfortable in our skin.
Unfortunately passing is often out of reach for many of us, especially those who start transition later on in life (testosterone really does a number on your body and the effects of it are often literally set in bone by about age 26). If you are lucky enough to recognise you are trans at the start of puberty, THEN lucky enough to have supportive family THEN lucky enough to have good supportive health care, then you have a chance of being indistinguishable from a cis person of your gender. For trans fem folks, there are surgeries that can change some of these things (especially around face and hair.)
Yeaaaaa, sadly most of us went trough something like this.
When I came out to one of my friends (who was my forever GM), basically went down a path of him ignoring it and refusing to respect me some times, and just tossing me aside while in game.
NO! OMG! I lost it on the second screenshot.
This dude is so needy, I can feel it without having talked to him myself. He is a sticky ball of emotional intensity YIKES
“You are just so pretty” okay? Doesn’t give you the right to after about someone’s genitals. Has big “You’re queer/trans/disabled? But you’re so pretty!” Energy.
Starting okay might be giving it too much credit. Started clearly seeking validation and comfort from a virtual stranger, got creepier and more invasive from there.
>Started clearly seeking validation and comfort from a virtual stranger
Having low self esteem doesn't make people a creep, it just feels that way retroactively.
Again, see it to the end doesn't change my initial first impression, just the retrospective of its meaning. Initial reaction, it's a fairly normal conversation then nosedived immediately
From the first message alone it could totally have been "hey this game was really bad, but please don't bail I need players"
Aaaand then it wasn't that
Why not just ask the person out and get to know them and if you get to that phase where you would find out, and your aren’t interested, then what’s the issue? Just say oh I am not into that, and then you both can move on?
I have a feeling this is a no win situation. Besides the obvious ick factor. You don't tell him and shits awkward and he'll probably just bring it up again or get real creepy and try to find out another way. Tell him and he'll either be upset because you have male genitalia or increase "flirtation" because you have female genitalia. Dude is trying to come off as woke but isn't secure enough in his own sexuality.
I agree with the people saying just cut this guy out.
You're not dating him, he has less than zero right to know what your parts look like. No girl owes it to a guy to tell him what she looks like naked. Like, ew ew ew ew ew! Tell him to stfu, and if he won't, drop this DM like the garbage he is and feel free to let the other party members know on your way out.
As soon as I saw 'flirts after a single game' my first thought was 'more like single with no game!'
Though this sucks and hopefully your next game will have a better DM and this hasn't put you off the game :)
What a wreck. Why do hosts feel the need to put their own selfish interests above the backlash it’ll cause others? DMs should be working to make their groups feel comfortable together, not push them out because of unwanted advances. Stop shooting shots in settings specifically reliant on comfort, trust, and regularity! It’s not that hard!
On another note, why are so many DMs awful with spelling and grammar? I always imagine they are the most particular about anything notarized, yet far too often do they write like stunted 10 year olds.
Honestly, sometimes I am almost impressed by how quickly some guys try to push things.
Dude's burning rubber like he's on an open freeway when in reality he's barely out of the driveway. Truly boggles the mind
Literally when was the last time the bottom surgery question went well when it was in an obvious “I am attracted to you but afraid of cock” way. You would think cis people would learn by now that that is a third date question. Cannot tell if this or the Chaser “woman with a surprise ;)” shit is worse.
If she's pretty, don't ask, just roll with it.
I thought DMs were meant to be adaptable in unexpected situations involving players?
Sorry you had to deal with that awkward tactless situation OP.
For some reason this dead up reminds me of someone I semi knew....
Like I could absolutely imagine him sending a message like this and I'm dying now.
I'm so sorry this happened.
I know a guy like that, too. He was me, when I was 17, before I GREW THE FUCK UP.
(I'm referring to going from talking about the game to "You're so beautiful", for the record--I have never once asked a person to verify their trans status (let alone what their anatomical status was), even as a teenage edgelord.)
I'm talking about ***all*** of it, and he was a whole ass adult.
You're beautiful is awkward and all, but no I mean the whole thing. He did, in fact, talk about the anatomy of trans women on more than one occasion and I'm pretty sure that did include asking questions like this about at least one he liked....
\*sigh\* Some people's children, right?
We need an updated rule of etiquette that boils down to "Q: When is it polite to ask about a trans person's anatomy? A: Never. If they think you need to know, they will tell you."
This could be "that guy" at half the tables I've joined. The pit I felt as soon as I read "you're so beautiful." It's ruined so many tables for me. I go out of my way to make characters asexual or underage now just to avoid in character flirting at new tables and I hate that I feel like I have to do that.
As a GM, even if my player is attractive I would never think about dating them. Maybe after the game is done? But I think dating your player would make it weird for your table and shift the group dynamics a bit.
If it's player to player? Sure. GM to player? Nah
Im sorry you had to suffer such ignorance! Maybe you could try discussing this with someone you trust in that campaign, if nothing else, to get it off your chest to someone who supports you without asking such creepy questions?
Also, I personally would bail on that DM. He just seems very ill mannered.
It's simple. They don't see trans women as real people. As depressing as that sounds, it's sort of at the heart of it. Asking what's in someone's pants is not something you ask a real person.
Even if it was after the first game, it's also messed up. I don't get that personal with my players unless we already know each other outside the game.
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Ew. Also why is one screen shot so much higher res?
Comedic effect (idk)
Won't lie it's pretty funny
It paid for reddit premium.
I'm high af rn this shit is absolutely driving me crazy lmfao
"Trans? Well done." Has to be the weirdest fucking text I've ever read.
It's a smaller resolution than the others
I think the other screenshots are still processing.
bitch **I’M** still processing. These screenshots could’ve been made in MSPaint and I would still be reeling from the secondhand embarrassment from the guy.
Jeezus, that "You're very beautiful" came the fuck outta nowhere so hard it gave me whiplash!
I know the "that escalated quickly" meme is overused, but damned if it doesn't feel appropriate here.
blasted so hard that One Direction stepped out of a time portal from 2011 to ask OP what makes them beautiful
its the transness 🏳️⚧️💕
…ew. Just… ew. So many red flags in so little time.
The way they keeping putting themself down to get compliments... That kind of behaviour makes my skin crawl.
I used to do that over text when I was like 16... The girl I liked politely called me cringe and I never made that mistake again. How some people don't learn this lesson and keep it up even past their thirties boggles me.
Friendly reminder that you don't know this DM's age.
OP commented somewhere he's in his 40s
Oh. Yikes.
How do I go back in time before I found out their age
Mind bleach.
Still cringe
I have long since stopped falling for this crap. Gain some confidence. Fake it til you make it. It's okay to be unsure. It's even okay to ask for feedback from ALL party members. This is beyond immature and insecure. Yeah, it's creepy but in a pathetic kind of way. Another one that bugs me... If I am the last to text something and they don't respond, I let it go. Then they message like a month later, > "Haven't heard from you!" **I am done enabling jaded/broken people. I put in All The Work to make myself well. You are not using my strength as your crutch.**
>I put in All The Work to make myself well. You are not using my strength as your crutch This right here. You said it so well.
Thank you so much!
I’ve faked my confidence for so long, I’m not sure if i was ever faking it in the first place anymore!
Best case scenario: "You just showed me basic sympathy. You also said something nice to me. That is a sign that we are soulmates." Worst case scenario: "Time to make myself look like a poor insecure boy in need of comfort and saving. That's what girls like right? Oh wait, are you a *rEaL* girl? Oh shit, how do I load my last save state?"
Your best case scenario is what is be most afraid of. That's a stalker launch pad.
I too was *extremely* 15 once.
Lol that was exactly my thought. this was totally how I interacted with girls I liked when I was like 14-15 years old and just sucked at being a person.
OP commented, this guy is in his 40's. Yikes.
ugh
Do you have an innie or an outie?
I've was been partial "Do you dimple or dangle" sadly I've only ever been asked that once, but it just made me laugh so hard.
this is my favourite thing i've read all year
Please good sir or madam, might i inquire into the details of the shapely appearence of your genitals?
This pisses me off so much. I love fedoras because they look so stylish in period pieces, and these folks have ruined them.
What most people consider a fedora isn't even a fedora, technically speaking. It's a different type of hat called a trilby. A fedora generally has a flat brim and a crease in the top of the hat whereas the trilby has the brim turned up in the back and a more of a bowl top instead of a crease.
Also, generally a trilby is cheap (you can get one for ten bucks or less) whereas a true fedora costs some real money. So some choad posturing like they're draped in a tuxedo because of the discount-bin cap on their head is especially hilarious.
You learn something new every day, even from shitposting o.o
mmmhmm. I think it just looks bad how they pair the fedora with those smug facial expressions. Not how I would style it!
Yeah doesn't even matter if they got in a nice suit with it, the second they open their mouths they've killed it.
Please, genitell me what you got goin on down there.
On one hand, congrats on passing, I guess. On the other hand.... wtf dude lol I half expected him to start talking with asterisks and the pushing fingers together and whatnot. Reminds me of the "Use your words, I don't speak bottom" meme.
Ewphoria in a nutshell
Oh god, i bet there is a subset of incels that fetishises trans women as a futanari kink.
You’re spot on. Trans women are *highly* fetishised by a *lot* of dudes out there. But when we want them to treat us like normal people, suddenly all their affection for us dries up.
Never would have thought of that, but of course that's a thing. Sorry you have to go through that, it sounds really dehumanizing.
It is. It’s pretty exhausting knowing that trans women are more accepted as a porn category than as people. And a lot of the people who hate us are the same ones who slobber over porn of us, as if porn is the *only* place we should exist in their minds. Thanks for the sympathy. It’s always reassuring meeting allies.
This happens to black men too. Racist shitbags love interracial porn.
I can only imagine. The world would be a great place if it wasn't for all the people. And no problem, my view on trans people is that they're unfortunately just the new public enemy that the government uses as a distraction from the other shit they pull. "Don't worry about energy crises, starving people, homelessness, housing crisis and climate crisis that we're causing for our own profit, you need to protect your precious children from the dangerous trans community that statistically has literally never been a danger to children especially when compared to things like churches; they're clearly more dangerous to your your kids than cooking and poisoning the environment, and inflation increasing at an unprecedented rate for our profit" I've never understood how anyone buys into the trans hate in the first place, people need a hobby.
They have a hobby. Let's call it book club. And the goal is much like Where's Waldo, except instead of finding a jolly striped shirt wearing fellow you find sections of text that can be interpreted into hateful variations of "I'm better than you."
Even outside of fetishes, transwomen are almost exclusively the focus on anti-trans laws and policies, with virtually no thought given to transmen.
Sshhhhh we don't exist :finger waves: we're all just confused girls who hate being girls.
Aren’t we all though?
The number of men who dip out of my DMs when I say I won't peg them is unreal
Ugh, that’s *so* gross. I’m sorry you have to put up with that.
It's frustrating, but unsurprising. I'm a 6'3" goth woman. I give off a certain *vibe*, so I can't claim to be shocked that the guys who hit me up are looking for a goth mommy domme. It's just disappointing that it feels like there's either zero interest from men . . . or they're chasers.
we call them chasers and they're both common and dangerous because a lot of them see us as sex toys rather than actual people
There are also a brand of incel and MGTOW weirdo who get so mad about women "getting everything in life" that they 'ironically' transition. It's fucking weird. There's a video on it.
So called "transmaxxing" is so gross.
It's so much more than just incels, sadly.
It’s a pretty large subset unfortunately
I mean, the whole "wow you're trans? I couldn't tell, congrats on passing" is also kind of gross
GMs be like "I- I- you- you're very beautiful wow are you fully female now" ***GAME MASTER, WHAT? SPEAK. SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY*** (besides shitty flirting)
Unsolicited flirting from a DM *Unsolicited flirting from a DM that follows self-deprecating private messages* ***Unsolicited flirting from a DM that follows self-deprecating private messages followed by both invasive and downright creepy questions regarding one's gender orientation*** **CEASE ALL CONTACT WITH THIS CREEP IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT 2D100**
The self deprecating before unsolicited flirting is so insidious. I'm old and don't give a shit now, but in my teens/early twenties that kind of sympathy play would totally lower my defences and make me want to be kind to them, probably getting myself even more wrapped up in their bullshit.
> that kind of sympathy play would totally lower my defences and make me want to be kind to them, probably getting myself even more wrapped up in their bullshit. Which is why they do it. It's a manipulative play.
Oh yeah, for sure! But young me took a while to realise, and I'm sure many others make the same mistake.
You're a nice lady, lol. I am in my late tens, and whenever I see that kind of play, I try to be sympathetic the best I can. However, if it goes on for too long, I run out of sympathy material, so then I joke around and agree with em. Which makes them mad at me. For some reason. And I have to apologize for being insensitive, and they would leave(?) lmao. I thought it was just cuz I wasn't a good enough listener, only now do I realize that those guys who complimented me only to self deprecate right after were probably flirting with me, and frustrated, because they were getting nothing. It's weird how people either over praise themselves or deprecate themselves, lol. Why not just be honest?
Either way it's to get a reaction, I think. Either you feel like you have to agree with the high praise they give themselves (and if you don't, then you're not what they're looking for!), or you compliment them out of pity.
I'm taking those 2d100 and using them to roll divine intervention with advantage... 76 and 40, Helm isn't helping here as much as he should
*"You see the discord message light up with an @ featuring your username.* *Your eyes briefly make out a few words such a "Hey gurl" before the discord moderator removes the post and bans the unsavory individual* *You have survived your encounter with 'discord creeper'* *Gain 3XP"*
Sounds like you need a new god. Can I interest you in the word of our Lord and slaughterer Bhaal?
Yeah, the red flags started flaring up on the self-deprecating message. In my experience, people who get this self-deprecating when talking to someone they barely know are always up to no good, whether they realise it or not
“You’re trans?” “Sure am” “DO YOU STILL HAVE A DICK” I have zero rizz and I *still* know you don’t fucking ask that. Like what the fuck.
Clearly this guy's a fucking creep. But I've got an honest question: if you're into cis and trans women, but not attracted to dicks, is there EVER an appropriate time to ask? Or do you just find out on the 3rd date and leave awkwardly? I'm bi and married, so it's never been an issue for me, but I'm curious. I hope that's an okay question to ask.
I mean, for me, it ends up coming up around the time my potential partner and I are feeling like the relationship can lead towards intimacy. And, normally, trans people will bring it up themselves since it is part of consent. They only normally bring it up when they feel safe to and it absolutely feels more natural when we bring it up. Honestly, I was dating a lady who was very sweet and she brought it up probably 3-4 dates in a way I felt was appropriate. She said she really did like my company, but struggled to find female sex genitalia attractive sexually and asked if that would be a deal breaker. When it comes up like this though from what is basically a total stranger with which you have no connection like that or even a current thought of a connection like that there's really only two most likely reasons. The reasons are they're gonna fetishize you or they're gonna be thinly or blatantly transphobic about it. I'm also transmasc and so cannot speak for transfemme people. Sorry if this was more info than needed!
You explained that really well.
No that was beautifully put, thank you!
>Or do you just find out on the 3rd date and leave awkwardly? People have a *ton* of different ways of acquiring/sharing information about each other. Sometimes you meet up with someone four different times before they say something like "Oh my gosh my boyfriend loves these!" and you have to bite back your sad little lesbian feelings about this crush you didn't realize was forming. But you didn't directly ask, and they weren't directly saying "hey don't catch feelings I'm taken" (or maybe they were) but now you know you aren't forming a romantic relationship with this person. If our flirtations seem to be spicing up and I don't drop somewhere in the conversation what I've got as a throwaway FYI, our flirtations aren't actually spicing up. I'm not going to get someone all the way to my bed and hope they're excited when I take my clothes off lol. That's asking for soul crushing vomit-crying levels of dysphoria and rejection. If you have any need to be curious, I'll make sure you get the memo. There's never any need to ask.
>If you have any need to be curious, I'll make sure you get the memo. Love this.
Generally speaking, the only appropriate time to ask this question is when it’s genuinely relevant to you. So, if you’re interested in them, and you know they’re trans, you’d ask when you’re about to get physically intimate with them. However, most will volunteer that information themselves.
It's a matter of timing. There's an appropriate point in a relationship when you'll need to discuss stuff like this, especially when it comes to trans people. I know, for myself, people usually tend to ask the question way too early. If I haven't even been on a single date with you yet and we're just talking, that's too early. If we've been on a couple dates and we're thinking about getting intimate with each other, that's a good time to start talking. If we're crawling into bed together and still haven't had this conversation, it's too late. Like I said, it's all about timing. If the timing is right, it's a perfectly appropriate question, if it isn't, it's awkward and inappropriate. This post is a perfect example of someone asking way too early. And you'll know they're about to ask a question when they pull out the "can I ask you a question?" line.
I think it'd be more like: "Your trans?"
Girl. Girl no. GIRL NO. Nooooope nope nope nope. Kindest thing you could do is tell this dude that was super inappropriate and uncomfortable and you aren't gonna be around him anymore. And that's if you don't wanna give him both barrels telling him off. The flags are so red it might as well be a house fire. Be safe, these kinds of people can get aggressive/violent very quickly.
Why do people just not know how to act around trans people? 'fully female.' That is so horrid for any number of reasons...
Feeeeeeemale
This person probably doesn't know how to talk to *people*
> Why do people just not know how to act around trans people? Extreme minority. How would most people learn? Most people learn social cues by acting around people, not by getting lectures on twitter or whatever. I'm not saying asking about other's junk is okay, just that this is a new situation for most.
General rule for being a person: don’t ask people what’s in their pants. It’s really not hard.
"Wait, are you a man or a woman?" I am a villain. "No, I mean, what gender are you?" Evil. "Yeah, but what's in your pants?" Doom!
But what if it really is a gun in their pocket and they’re not happy to see me AT ALL?
In a few seconds what’s in their pants will cease to be your problem one way or another…
>"you're not a rough dm, don't worry" >*becomes rough dm faster than lightspeed* unlucky
I'm 2 hours late dammit
_Please_ tell me this person is just young and incredibly stupid and not old enough to know better
Mid 40s, bro
_screams internally_
Oof
Ooooooo. That's rough.
How strong is the nuerodivergence with he
Sadly, some people act like this at all ages. Lots of people say they acted like this when they were 15, but some never grow out of that phase.
"ay yo tell me about your sexmeats"
lol idk why, but it always makes me laugh when someone applies "meat" to words referring to body parts. Like in Adventure Time "Ow, my cheekmeat!" and I just got one from watching Mieruko-chan tonight with "boobmeat".
Update folks: the store has banned him. Turns out some of the women who work there had some less-than-normal interactions with him and I was the point where he went far enough to warrant banning.
👏👏👏 For what it's worth, I'm sorry that you had to be the straw that broke that camel's back. You didn't deserve that, but I'm really glad that you felt safe enough to go to them about it and that they listened and acted.
You are actually very kind, I would have blocked him after letting him know how much of a creep he is...
Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. And Ew.
Btw this guy was twice my age.
Ew. 🤢 I’m hoping you ran and there was no game two? How many red flags did this guy have going on. Grown ass man seeks validation from young female members of the table? Asks them about their genitalia? Run run run. Do not pass go. Do not collect £100. 👀
In person he didn't have a whole lot of red flags, just seemed like an unprepared dm.
Ok. So the initial reassurance seeking may have been valid ish but then he went … zoom…
I learned really fast after my transition that men who do a lot of self deprecating with women are often, knowingly or not, doing it as a manipulation tactic to get us to say nice things about them. One time I made the mistake of agreeing when a man said their behavior might be problematic and he got really upset and aggressive really fast.
You're playing DND online at age 8?
Posts like these make me feel good about my social skills. I might not be great at it, but fucking hell at least I’m not this oblivious and awful to be around.
The “very well done” on slide 2 is one of those replies that’s so bad I didn’t think it was an option. Like it’s a BioWare game and he bought a special perk that granted access to new, worse dialogue trees.
\[Perception 14/25\] Very well done I had no idea
“Very well done I had no idea” is such a backhanded compliment I don’t think he even realised how fucking rude that is. The point of being trans is not to hide being trans 😒
I get a similar thing all the time. “You don’t sound autistic.” I think it stems from them feeling so awkward about not knowing what to say that their brain short circuits. Perhaps that is giving too much benefit of the doubt though.
Nah, I think it’s probably just that they assume that being trans or autistic is something shameful that you should try to hide. Hence why they might congratulate someone for “hiding it” well (even if they’re literally just living their lives normally and it’s the observer who is assuming they’re hiding it).
That has happened to me in face to face interactions, when I say something rude or awful because my brain shortcircuits. But this is text. You can think your answer, you can wait the shortcircuit to go away.
"you're trans???? but you're not even a disgusting hideous gorilla!!!!" like cool thanks bro
“You’re nothing like the horribly dehumanizing cartoons I see on the image boards I post on!”
Wait ... isn't it? I'm always hearing from IRL trans friends that they don't want to be seen as "a trans woman", they want to be seen as *a woman*. I mean this guy is gross and what he said was nasty, but I thought passing was in fact the goal? (Genuine question, asking to hear opinions not to um-akshually!)
I think they worded it funny. For me, the point of changing my appearance to represent my actual gender is not to *look* like I am someone who was one gender and now is a different one - I just want to look like a boring, average, typical presentation of my gender. I'm just a dude unless you're someone I trust to talk about my trans experiences, and even then, I'm *still* a dude, you're just getting the backstory. If someone says "you pass really well", what I hear is "I have a specific picture in my head of what trans people people look like and you have stepped outside of that so you're better than people who aren't passing well". Complimenting me for passing just makes me think about what that means for the commenter's opinions on trans folk in general. If someone isn't "passing" enough, can I trust the commenter to be respectful about it? Can I feel safe that they won't get more invasive with questioning, to try and get an "a-ha" about my identity or body? Unwarranted evaluation and approval for "passing" is extremely unwanted. No one did their transition for you so sit down. If (general) you have an intent to genuinely compliment a trans woman for their presentation - compliment their outfit, hair, etc because they are *just* a woman, and it's just as stupid and creepy to critique a cis woman's presentation of femininity. (sorry if I sound aggro, I think your question was respectful!)
Not aggro at all, that explains it well. Thank you for taking the time to reply! <3
Well, to be fair, there are mixed opinions on that. Some trans people want nothing more than to pass and be completely “stealth”. This can be a thing where they feel more happy and successful as a trans person the fewer people notice, or it can be a thing where they simply feel *safer* when no one knows. And of course it’s never just one or the other, there’s a sliding scale of feelings here. Passing can make you feel *mostly* just happy and euphoric while also just giving you a bit of relief that you feel safe. If that makes sense? It’s a bit more complicated than just wanting to be seen as cis. There’s also a whole other category of feelings on this subject when passing isn’t the goal. For me, I both cannot and do not want to pass as a cis woman. This is because I would need a LOT of makeup and clothing to pretend to be cis and it just wouldn’t be worth the effort. Plus, I’m non-binary and actually get a sense of gender euphoria from being androgynous. And also, passing as a man most of the time keeps me safe in the very transphobic country I live in (the UK). But anyway. Complimenting a trans person that they don’t seem trans is basically the same as saying “if you did seem trans, that would be a bad thing”. And that’s rude. It’s the same as saying to someone that they don’t seem disabled, or the like.
Eh. It can be. Mostly it's about getting comfortable in our skin. Unfortunately passing is often out of reach for many of us, especially those who start transition later on in life (testosterone really does a number on your body and the effects of it are often literally set in bone by about age 26). If you are lucky enough to recognise you are trans at the start of puberty, THEN lucky enough to have supportive family THEN lucky enough to have good supportive health care, then you have a chance of being indistinguishable from a cis person of your gender. For trans fem folks, there are surgeries that can change some of these things (especially around face and hair.)
I like to hit back with the, "Thanks bro. Back at you, I had no idea you were an asshole." Works well for any "good job hiding" complisults.
... Roll for cringe
Lol the "bro" made me laugh.
“Hey sorry I was unprepared to do the one job I have for this game…. Anyway what’s your junk look like?”
Yikes
I'll be real, this is a situation begging to get worse
"fUlLy FeMalE nOw" Chasers are the actual worst.
Yeaaaaa, sadly most of us went trough something like this. When I came out to one of my friends (who was my forever GM), basically went down a path of him ignoring it and refusing to respect me some times, and just tossing me aside while in game.
Is that what we call flirting these days? Because I don't want it then 😂😭
"Hey, would you please kindly explain your genitals to me?" Who wouldn't immediately get aroused from that?
This sub never fails to make me visibly contort my face in disgust
Soon as he said “can I ask a personal” I knew exactly what was coming next. Always that question. Every time.
NO! OMG! I lost it on the second screenshot. This dude is so needy, I can feel it without having talked to him myself. He is a sticky ball of emotional intensity YIKES
Fuckin yikes. From zero to what's in your pants so fast. As an enby, the amount of "what kind of trans" questions I hear is mind-boggling.
“You are just so pretty” okay? Doesn’t give you the right to after about someone’s genitals. Has big “You’re queer/trans/disabled? But you’re so pretty!” Energy.
The part that really got me was “Very well done I had no idea.” Cishets REALLY think that’s a compliment 💀
Let me ask a very respectful and normal question about your genitals.
It started okay, it started fine, then nosedived hard
Starting okay might be giving it too much credit. Started clearly seeking validation and comfort from a virtual stranger, got creepier and more invasive from there.
>Started clearly seeking validation and comfort from a virtual stranger Having low self esteem doesn't make people a creep, it just feels that way retroactively.
For sure, but to me this more has the vibe of "pretending to have low self esteem as a way to start hitting on them after they compliment me."
Again, see it to the end doesn't change my initial first impression, just the retrospective of its meaning. Initial reaction, it's a fairly normal conversation then nosedived immediately
From the first message alone it could totally have been "hey this game was really bad, but please don't bail I need players" Aaaand then it wasn't that
It's just a roundabout way of asking how rich you are. Those surgeries are expensive so if you had em you must be a millionaire!
Why not just ask the person out and get to know them and if you get to that phase where you would find out, and your aren’t interested, then what’s the issue? Just say oh I am not into that, and then you both can move on?
Oh man I don't even wanna call this flirting. This is just.. sad and gross in that order.
Are you fully female now or am I going to have to get gay?
The title didn't prepare me for this
HEY CAN I ASK A QUESTION. No. Never.
I have a feeling this is a no win situation. Besides the obvious ick factor. You don't tell him and shits awkward and he'll probably just bring it up again or get real creepy and try to find out another way. Tell him and he'll either be upset because you have male genitalia or increase "flirtation" because you have female genitalia. Dude is trying to come off as woke but isn't secure enough in his own sexuality. I agree with the people saying just cut this guy out.
Quick rule of thumb - never ask anyone about their downstairs business.
Also: don't call a grown-ass adult you don't know "pretty".
Brehhhhh
Bruh.
This just gets more and more cringe the longer it goes on. At least he was self aware enough to realize it.
Sometimes I think these people are energy vampires.
Ugh
You're not dating him, he has less than zero right to know what your parts look like. No girl owes it to a guy to tell him what she looks like naked. Like, ew ew ew ew ew! Tell him to stfu, and if he won't, drop this DM like the garbage he is and feel free to let the other party members know on your way out.
As soon as I saw 'flirts after a single game' my first thought was 'more like single with no game!' Though this sucks and hopefully your next game will have a better DM and this hasn't put you off the game :)
What a wreck. Why do hosts feel the need to put their own selfish interests above the backlash it’ll cause others? DMs should be working to make their groups feel comfortable together, not push them out because of unwanted advances. Stop shooting shots in settings specifically reliant on comfort, trust, and regularity! It’s not that hard! On another note, why are so many DMs awful with spelling and grammar? I always imagine they are the most particular about anything notarized, yet far too often do they write like stunted 10 year olds.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This guy's is a fucking jerk. I hope you find a better table soon.
Honestly, sometimes I am almost impressed by how quickly some guys try to push things. Dude's burning rubber like he's on an open freeway when in reality he's barely out of the driveway. Truly boggles the mind
I was so befuddled by his actions I had asked him how he managed to speed run red flag bingo.
The sudden shift into "you're beautiful"... the self-deprecation... the casual transphobia in "fully female now"... Stacked with red flags
Chat is this rizz?
(Everyone disliked that)
Literally when was the last time the bottom surgery question went well when it was in an obvious “I am attracted to you but afraid of cock” way. You would think cis people would learn by now that that is a third date question. Cannot tell if this or the Chaser “woman with a surprise ;)” shit is worse.
If she's pretty, don't ask, just roll with it. I thought DMs were meant to be adaptable in unexpected situations involving players? Sorry you had to deal with that awkward tactless situation OP.
For some reason this dead up reminds me of someone I semi knew.... Like I could absolutely imagine him sending a message like this and I'm dying now. I'm so sorry this happened.
I know a guy like that, too. He was me, when I was 17, before I GREW THE FUCK UP. (I'm referring to going from talking about the game to "You're so beautiful", for the record--I have never once asked a person to verify their trans status (let alone what their anatomical status was), even as a teenage edgelord.)
I'm talking about ***all*** of it, and he was a whole ass adult. You're beautiful is awkward and all, but no I mean the whole thing. He did, in fact, talk about the anatomy of trans women on more than one occasion and I'm pretty sure that did include asking questions like this about at least one he liked....
\*sigh\* Some people's children, right? We need an updated rule of etiquette that boils down to "Q: When is it polite to ask about a trans person's anatomy? A: Never. If they think you need to know, they will tell you."
This could be "that guy" at half the tables I've joined. The pit I felt as soon as I read "you're so beautiful." It's ruined so many tables for me. I go out of my way to make characters asexual or underage now just to avoid in character flirting at new tables and I hate that I feel like I have to do that.
As a GM, even if my player is attractive I would never think about dating them. Maybe after the game is done? But I think dating your player would make it weird for your table and shift the group dynamics a bit. If it's player to player? Sure. GM to player? Nah
As someone who sometimes plays with his S/O, can confirm.
Tell him bluntly "no". And that this ain't the way to go about this. And sorry to say, but get your block button ready.
If it really matters, you shouldn’t ask.
Actually rude to ask either way. If she says she’s trans accept and move on. She didn’t follow up with any lead on or anything
Im sorry you had to suffer such ignorance! Maybe you could try discussing this with someone you trust in that campaign, if nothing else, to get it off your chest to someone who supports you without asking such creepy questions? Also, I personally would bail on that DM. He just seems very ill mannered.
How the hell do these people even type shit like this without feeling several types of icky?
It's simple. They don't see trans women as real people. As depressing as that sounds, it's sort of at the heart of it. Asking what's in someone's pants is not something you ask a real person.
Oh jeez, ick, what a gross move for him to make
My fuckin eye bulge at that, jfc
This isn't flirting it's just sad and creepy.
My god, what a fucking loser.
Even if it was after the first game, it's also messed up. I don't get that personal with my players unless we already know each other outside the game.