Yea, but she needs to know. Tell him if he wants to be forgiven, he needs to come clean on everything and let you see what he was writing people. It's too easy for him to just say I messed up, I'm sorry, I didn't go out with anyone, please forgive me. It's another thing to lie to your face about what he did on the app.
If he wants to save the relationship, tell him to open the app now and let you see what he was doing. Not tomorrow, not next week while he deletes everything, right now.
A relationship is built on trust. He lied to you by not telling you about the app. Now see if he has lied to you about what he's been doing. If he says no, you can't trust him because if what he's saying is true, then reading his messages won't bother you because you already know what to expect. A no means he's hiding more than what he's confessed to
Second this, I was in a similar situation in my last relationship where he apologised for it but also blamed me for him doing that. And that I should trust him and not bring it up ever again if we want to continue the relationship. When I pressed for more information like what he talked to them about, he just said he forgot it's probably nothing important.
You have to ask yourself honestly if you really can sit well with the hiding, the inauthenticity and untrustworthiness.
Similar to my previous relationship. I discovered she was texting with a friend online and intentionally hid it from me. When I found out, I asked her and reading those messages I was really devastated. Right after that, she apologized to me and wouldn't do it again, but a few minutes later she asked to go to the bathroom and took the opportunity to change the phone password so I couldn't see it anymore and forced me to trust her. It's hard to believe it but it came true…
I'm a guy. He was either looking for someone else to fuck or someone to date instead of you.
Do not accept any other explanation or justification from him.
Run while you still can
… or guys😏.
eeeither way, there’s a saying in my country “el que tiene hambre , en pan piensa” (if you are hungry your are going to think about bread 🍞). If he’s on a dating app… connect the dots.
Idk, I met my girlfriend on the app and she and I both have the app with the setting that hides you from people because we wanna keep our first messages to each other
He wouldn’t show you the conversations because there is stuff in there you would be very angry about — obviously. Ditch this lying, cheating sack of crap and save yourself the trouble in the future.
I'd break up with him. Sure, he deleted everything. Which means you literally have no idea what he actually did on the app. And I **LOATHE** the "You should trust me" comment.
Find a new boyfriend, one who is not "long distance." Even part of the time.
Apparently long distance isn’t working for him.
[Monkey Branching](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/#:~:text=Highlights,of%20the%20relationship%20in%20question)
*When she's saying, oh that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying, oh that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care, right?*
>He wouldn’t let me see the app conversations, but said I should trust him that he won’t go on it again
LOL. Come on.
>I think the app is addicting to people, so I’m trying not to blame him.
I've done a lot of online dating, and met my current partner of 3 years on Tinder. Go ahead and blame him! He's a cheater, and I can pretty much guarantee he's not "addicted" to online dating (even if he is, he needs to go work on that with professionals, not drag you into his bullshit). Going back on HInge was a choice. Dump him. This is an easy one.
Yeah, I’ve met my on Tinder too, deleted as soon as we got serious, we had a LDR I’ve never doubter him or him me, we give each other the respectful place we deserve in each other’s lives, and we’re getting married soon. None of these excuses given here make sense. He’s just disrespecting her and their relationship.
Trust him as he is showing you in real time that he's been lying and sneaking the entire length of your relationship? Girl you'd have to be in a very sorry state to trust him again.
-Demand to see the conversations
-Afterwards, even if it's innocent, tell him he's going to delete that and any other dating app
-If he puts up a fight about either of those things, it's time to move on, 7 months is way more than long enough to figure if you want to take the relationship seriously or not.
You’re wrong. It’s blatantly obvious he’s either cheated or trying to cheat. The only question now is whether or not you will give him a second chance. I personally would not.
No one in a relationship is having innocent conversations on hinge. Let’s not be naive.
The guy is 36, he's not changing. This wasn't an accident, only that he got caught because he was stupid and not very clever and worse, he thought she'd be more stupid and even less clever than him.
Ok, even if he deleted everything and promises to never do that to you again… you will always wonder and have doubts about him.
Seriously, he could do a complete turnaround and it won’t matter. You will be insecure at times and it will steal good moments away.
He soiled the relationship by seeking out other options. He’s a dirtbag who wasn’t honest.
I’m sorry. There are good, decent men out there that do not do this.
If there was nothing damning, he would have let you read the messages and explain he just gets validation out of the match but never flirted or tried to meet. I could maybe accept.
He can’t tell you to just trust him when he’s pretty much already violated your trust. He had to take it on himself to get your trust back but instead put it on you to somehow have it again. i’m really sorry this happened to you, and i know you want to just go back to how it was, but you can’t go back. any time you spend with this guy is time wasted. You’re always going to be wondering if he’s hiding something. I’ve known a few scumbag dudes in my day and this guy is one. When things like this happen, the lesson isn’t “i can’t do this to her again,” it’s “i have to get better at hiding it.”
That puts you in a very awkward position. You have no idea what was being said or what information was traded back and forth.
If he has never done anything else for you to be suspicious about i'd say proceed with caution, but maybe don't worry about it tooooo much. If this is just the latest of red flags i'd still advise to think about where this is heading.
Again, if it had been 7 weeks and you were still just going on dates, but if you are BF/GF it's time to stop talking to other people. 7 months is too long to be playing games.
If i was in this position with a girl i cared about i would be bending over backwards to prove the conversations were harmless. but then again i wouldn't ever be in this position with a girl i cared about in the first place lol
How many red flags does this child (because that is what he is) need to wave in your face before you leave? I could name 4 or 5 from this post alone, would you like a list?
Have some respect for yourself and know you are worth WAY more than he is showing you.
I’m not entirely sure how dating apps work, but couldn’t he still access it from a browser even if he deleted the app itself? I can delete the FB app but still access everything from a browser.
ETA: Plus, if he’s genuinely friends with these women, then why doesn’t he have their numbers and is communicating with them that way? Why does he only have their dating app contact info?
This is a trash take, sorry.
**It doesn't matter what the conversations were.**
He's on a fucking dating app. That alone is enough. Have some goddamn self respect please for the *love of god.*
You shouldn't have to tell someone to delete the dating app. If the only reason your partner deletes the app and doesn't cheat on you is because you force them to and keep tabs on them **that's not a good fucking partner.**
Fuck me.
Doesn’t matter what he was doing on the app really, the only thing that matters here is he didn’t trust you enough to let you look through the conversations for your own understanding.
He’s hiding something. Could be conversations could be actions. It doesn’t matter. It’s the deceit that matters because that is not an act of love. He’s not giving you peace of mind or the full story.
You deserve to be with someone who is an open book who you can trust and he can trust you.
I was with someone 7 years knew them really well, and they got a message one day that I briefly glimpsed then asked about. They lied who it was from then when I asked to see it said they’d deleted it as they read it out of habit. Long story short it was hiding something big and I had no idea.
In the end you can’t tell if people are trustworthy by whether you actually catch them just by whether they let you look, and whether you can think of times where they told you something they didn’t really want to (embarrassing, hurtful) but told you because they want to share good and hard times with you. If someone only tells you good stories about their past and not mistakes etc, it’s a sign they are putting on a show
Oh no. Just no. There is no way on this earth that someone is on a dating app “just because.” Just because…why, exactly?
Just to talk to people? That’s why social media exists. That’s why we text with friends. Hell, that’s why we have Reddit if we’re looking to talk with strangers. There is no “just because” when it comes to a dating app. I mean there is, but it’s just because he’s looking for the kind of interaction that is pretty exclusive to dating apps.
You’ve only been together 7 months. Get out now. I’m sure he’s angry at himself for getting caught, for fucking things up with you. He’s not angry at hurting you otherwise he wouldn’t have done this to begin with. And not letting you see the conversations is all you need to know about the nature of the conversations. My love and I don’t go through each other’s phones, but either of us would be free to at any time, for any reason, into any app or conversation, or file, or anything because there is nothing to hide. That’s trust. Not saying no you can’t look but trust me! Pfftt.
Let me share a story with you…
My sister met a man online a few years ago. They fell hard for each other. They were long distance for the beginning of their relationship.
About one month in, HE declares to her that he is taking his dating profile off the dating app they met on and tells her that he doesn’t need it anymore because he has found her. The one. He wants to be in a relationship with her and have her be his girlfriend. She didn’t ask or demand this, but was so happy because she felt the same way.
During the conversation, he even told her to check for herself. She didn’t, she just trusted him. A day or two goes by and his communication becomes a little sporadic and she just had a feeling.
I go see her and she says she wants to look and see if he did take off his profile. It looks, at first, like he did and she’s relieved, feels stupid.
I tell her to change the location. He was on a family vacation, so she finds the location. She finds him in a matter of seconds. He protested too much… he just changed his location and communication fell off a bit.
She is upset, but strong and immediately decides that she will end it right then and there. She felt used, but glad she found out early.
She tried to call, but has to text him that she won’t see him again and doesn’t say why. He instantly texts back and asks why she is saying this. As that text came through… his profile disappears like magic. It’s gone. We can’t find it anymore. Imagine that.
She ceases communicating with him for several hours. She ends up getting mad and calls him “why?” He makes up a story that he had two profiles and he simply forgot the other one… that his location was on for it unbeknownst to him and that he deleted everything. Sound familiar? She doesn’t back down… says it is shady that it was in the vacation city he was in without her. She is done.
This part here… is important. He says he will respect her decision and proceeds to say he loves her… for the very first time. My poor sister was single for 2 years and wasn’t even really looking for a relationship, but folded immediately after he said that to her. She said it back.
They are still together and she doesn’t trust anything he says. She questions him quite a bit and is always on edge, especially when he is on his phone or she hasn’t heard from him. He has had other indiscretions that he simply explained away, but it only heightens her anxiety and insecurity. He even had a post on Reddit looking to hook up with someone else. He said that was a glitch.
Please, get away from that man… I know I am just a stranger, but I want to help you move on from the nightmare it will become for you. You’ll waste years.
Please, you can do it. I believe in you and the fact that you can find a good, decent man.💖
Jesus christ. It's only been 7 months. Just break up with him. Like, how desperate are you for some sort of relationship that you'd let some clown mess with you like this?
Get some space away from him, his words will cloud your judgement. Think about your needs what makes you happy. This was poor behaviour on his part don’t reward it. I have been there, it’s not a great feeling, I know. But be strong.
So why do you think he doesn’t want you to see the conversations? Did he have some silly long complex reason for why you shouldn’t see them? Cause I’m telling you he definitely met people through that app and he was trying to obscure the evidence.
He's telling you what to do? That you should trust him? He won't let you read the messages, either.
It's going nowhere and you deserve better. He likes the attention he receives on the app, and that is definitely a problem. He could also have a sex addiction and that's his outlet. People send nude images on these things...
You love him a lot, but it doesn't sound like he loves you a lot.
I really don't understand these posts. You either trust him or you don't. If all signs point to "no," then dump him. It's pretty simple. If it's possible that people can go on there and have casual conversations, then maybe he really was. Never been on Hinge- I'm more of a Grindr guy myself, but I've made several platonic, non-sexual friends on there. The bottom line is that you know your relationship better than anyone commenting on this thread, and you've been through a divorce and should know the signs & your boundaries. If he won't show you the conversations, then he's probably hiding something. If you think he was just lonely & was addicted to the app (which I agree- those apps are designed to be addicting with the attention you can get on them), and you think you can communicate more openly & honestly going forward with a second chance, then go for it.
Also, if you've TALKED about being exclusive, then it sounds like maybe there's a chance you never actually both agreed to that- and if that's the case, then maybe he was under the impression you weren't ready to commit to him. I think you both need to have a conversation, discuss expectations, and set boundaries.
I need you to read your post again and pretend it was written by your little sister and she is asking you for advice. I don’t think you would have any hesitation to tell her to drop this clown for playing in her face. Stop with the desperation and have some boundaries on how people treat you.
He's bullshitting you. It's possible that him not exchanging phone numbers yet is true but it's obvious that it would be because of lack of occasion.
If he downloaded a dating app, it's because he wants to date. No subtilty there. Good luck
Wow this is insane. Ok continue being a pushover and be with someone who actively cheats on you and makes you compete with every woman out there while you're together. Grow a pair.
I’m just gonna say it’s better to rip the band aid off now than later on.
If he did that to you within seven months, what to do think he’ll try to get away with in 7 years? Truthfully, you deserve better!
Major red flag. The thing is that if kept using the app only to chat with people he became friends with before you two got serious with eachother I don't see any harm in that. Nothing wrong with staying in touch with online friends. But the fact he doesn't want to show you what he's been doing on the app says enough in my opinion.
If he was truly not doing anything wrong he would have no issue letting you see his phone and check what he was doing on that app. He has something to hide, and that's not a good sign. A relationship should be built on trust and him being vague and defensive about this just shows to me whatever he is/was doing on Hinge is bad, bad enough to not want to show you.
That’s not trustworthy shit. When I meet someone I’m happy to get to know, even at the very start I delete the apps as a sign of good faith and just because like, I don’t need that if I’m fulfilled.
It’s a huge red flag and would probably turn to worse if that’s his standard. Get out while it’s early
When will women realize that when men do this it means you’re not his type. You’re just a time filler to fuck and fill the loneliness for him while he looks for someone he actually wants to be with. It’s that simple. If a man met his dream girl, do you think he’d be online looking for someone else?? NO! You’re not her. Leave him.
You literally caught him cheating.
My frie d was caught on tinder by his wide and said he just downloaded it because he was curious. That was a lie, just like your boyfriend is lying.
And you weren't doing the same... Divorcee. Stop with the narcissism. You ain't no angel giiiirrrrl. Old mate is hedging his bets because he's had a wiff of something not on point with you. Check your username. 😂 The only thing you love is attention. 304.
Dude here, Ive been cheated on my 3 main multiyear relationships (with women). He either cheated or was happy to.
Its your call, you can forgive him and wait for the next fuck up in a few months or run. I would run.
The thing that makes me want to smash his face in is him blaming you. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!
If someone isn't happy in their relationship, they talk it through or break up or whatever, theirs no excuse for cheating, because EVEN in the worse case, he could've left a shit message saying: "Hey im breaking up with you, bye" minutes before sticking his dick in another girl, to at least have the excuse of being single.
Cheaters blaming the cheated, theirs a special place in hell for them...
You WILL find someone better, I promise.
Big hug.
I say this in the kindest possible way: you’re trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because you’re especially low at the moment after a divorce, and after having to humble yourself by moving back in with your family, you thought this was something nice to look forward, to and now if he leaves you’re back to square one. If you were younger with a healthy self esteem, had a couple of relationships after a big breakup (enough to know that they are many fish in the sea) you would have ran the second you realised he was definitely emotionally cheating on you. But now you’re coming on Reddit saying you think hinge is addictive instead of facing the truth - you need to be single again and you can never trust this man again. He’s shown you who you are and wouldn’t let you read the messages indicating there is something unforgivable there. There is a lot of cheating involved in a lot of long distance relationships unfortunately. Also, with his quick thinking manipulation tactics, he has also probably been aware that you’re especially vulnerable and “desperate” after the divorce since the beginning, and subconsciously will use against you. Him meeting your family and coming to visit doesn’t mean shit, it’s incredibly easy to do that.
nah. let's not say "i'm trying not to blame him". he is a grown man, knows what he's doing and unfortunately (and i learnt this the hard way) doesn't love you if he's continuing on dating apps. if he did, he would have no interest in them. i'm speaking from my own personal experience who went through something kind of similar as regards dating apps - and as they say, hindsight is 20/20. i made all the excuses for him then, tried to justify it in my own head, didn't want to come down on him too hard about things incase it would scare him off. i've since realised that's only because at the time i didn't respect or love myself enough, so i didn't reprimand him out of a place of insecurity and i didn't walk away when i should. this disrespect will continue, especially if there are no consequences to his actions because men love to test to see what they can get away with!
you might be reading this thinking "well anon doesn't know him, doesn't know our relationship, it's so good when we're together", etc etc. this is all true, but i said those exact same things and truthfully i do believe my ex did care for me a lot but he was completely immature, had a lot of work to do on himself, etc etc. but that's not what i want for myself and i hope not what you want for yourself either. you don't need to settle for that. you deserve someone who treats you with respect, doesn't go behind your back with things (especially of this nature), and just generally doesn't download a f*cking dating app when he's been talking about love and a future with a current partner!!!!! i am sending you all of the strength incase you don't feel like you have it yourself right now (but truthfully, you absolutely do even if you can't see it). all the best my love ❤️
Op if he won't let you see the convos he's doing damage control. He's 100% cheating. And probably hooked up with someone while he was away.
Just cut the cord dude. There is no advantage to staying with cheaters
A tricky situation. I’m a man, and here is my point of view:
* I have been a bit hooked on these apps myself, and it can be relatively innocuous. I started dating a girl a few years ago, and we were exclusive, but she made me quite insecure in the relationship, and I used the apps for validation. I didn’t meet anyone, and it was a shitty thing to do (I know better now), but that’s how it went down.
* The fact that he didn’t want to show you the conversations means that he’s at least been flirting, and quite possibly set up dates. There is no way around that.
* If you stay with him, you’ll need to put your foot down hard, and it will take time for you to trust him again. You will have to tell him that. He needs to see the seriousness in the situation.
On one hand you guys are early into the relationship somewhat. On the other he is clearly not feeling like he found the one. Huge red flag. You keep him gratified until he finds someone he wants more. You have to make a call here.
I mean yeah you should get rid of him but also meeting someone long distance over hinge and it’s only been a few months, just creating a tricky situation all over
Unfortunately when trust is broken, it is extremely hard to earn back. It’s not impossible, but it takes A LOT of work & commitment from both of you. He definitely made it even worse by not showing you the app & being completely transparent. Since he deleted everything, you will now never know what he was really doing on there. From my experience, when someone is caught doing something wrong yet says “trust me” while not being open means they are still hiding something. I’d bet a lot of money on the fact it is worse than he claims.
No one is going to be able to tell you what to do. Even if you forgive him, you will never forget. People make mistakes, true, especially early on in relationships. However he had the opportunity to admit it & work through it with you & he chose not to. You may think deleting the app was “working with you” but really that’s just an easy escape out of a difficult situation & only saves him, not you. Trust is so important. Personally I wouldn’t continue only after 7 months with that kind of manipulation & deception.
I can't tell you what to do. It's for you to decide. But my advice is to not waste any time. I can tell you that I was cheated on for many months and the thing I regret most was the time I wasted on her. I wish I had left the first time my gut told me. There were so many signs and hints along the way. She started abusing me both mentally and physically. It's been 6 years since we broke up and I still haven't recovered mentally.
"You should trust him" - didn't he break that trust already by having that app downloaded still? If you didn't find it, how much longer did he plan to use it? Sounds like he's looking for something better but hasn't found anything yet. He acts like not getting a number is doing you a favor. You can do a lot without getting anyone's number fyi. Pffft
He’s keeping his options open and lying to you. Men don’t stay on these apps for validation like women tend to do. It’s too much effort to flirt and date if they aren’t getting what they want, and they want another conquest.
If he were honest about the conversations being innocent, he deleted the only evidence he had to corroborate. Don’t fall for his shit. Addiction my ass. If he’s willing to hide this, imagine all the other things he’s willing to hide. Nope. Run.
Pretty much a behavioural statement saying, “I’m with you until someone ‘better’ comes along”. Let him do that alone, and discover that he likely won’t find someone better.
>need help and opinions. I think the app is addicting to people, so I’m trying not to blame him
My opinion is you need more self respect.
I don't care how addicting it is. I mean I fundamentally disagree it's addicting for men. The vast majority of men find dating apps depressing as fuck. Few matches, expected to put forth all the effort, constant ghosting. It's not fun at all.
But it doesn't matter. You guys have talked about exclusivity. I don't know if it was decided. But 7 months? At mid 30s? Saying I love you to each other? That shit is understood in my opinion. And his refusal to get off Hinge is a dealbreaker. Not a red flag, a dealbreaker.
It doesn't matter what the conversation are. You should blame him because he is deserving of blame. And you should leave him because he is a cheater.
You have a choice here: pretend he's telling you the truth; assume he's lying but you're open to others being included in the relationship (for both of you); or you're NOT at all comfortable with others being included in the relationship. How you decide is how you go forward.
If you're exclusive, there's absolutely no reason for him to be on a dating app. "Just because" = he was looking for someone else. End of story. 7 months in, he's letting that "beginning of relationship sparkle" facade slip, and he's showing you his true colors. No thanks.
Plus... deleting the app doesn't delete your account, so unless he did both, he could just re-download the app and he'd still have his profile, conversations, etc and be on his merry way.
Sounds like he is keeping you around until he finds something better. :(
I would break up. Why look at conversations that will only haunt you or hurt you? Walk away. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time or energy.
If you would like a perspective from someone trying to see the good in people, has he given you a real reason not to trust him? Personally, I would have deleted the app if I was content with what I have, but maybe he has fun chatting with women on the app. I don't know if that is proof of a cheater, and I would hold off on investing more of myself in him for a while until I can be convinced that he is trustworthy, but certainly not cause to nuke the whole thing
Hahah end it. My ex was on tinder while
I was visiting (long distance) he acted Liek it was ok, and every guy was browsing…..only to find out he had two other “gf’s” and was on tinder looking for hookups. They lie through their teeth. I should have left sooner.
This happened to me last January with my boyfriend of over a year. It will never end. He will continue to cheat or “fake cheat”. He won’t change. Cheaters do not change! Please just leave and mourn in peace, you’ll thank yourself in a month.
Oh, no.
Honestly, circumstances do NOT matter when it comes to these things. LDR have nothing to do with this. This is just the person he is. There absolutely 0 reason for him to have that app when you’re together. He would still be doing stuff if you were living in the same city/living together. It’s better that you’re finding out now.
This isn’t normal behaviour from someone who is in committed relationship and don’t make him think you’re crazy for feeling betrayed.. clearly he is wanting to keep his options open, don’t be the one he’s keeping warm whilst looking for something else. Not ok
lol it’s not my fault I’m on hinge it’s the apps fault for being addictive. That’s a pretty weak gaslight, but understandable that you’re accepting what he said as you want to believe him. He’s lying, break up
Since it’s long distance ghost block & delete! Don’t waste anymore of your youth on this guy! I’d go download Hinge & every other app myself and start over! You really dodged a bullet! Run while u can!
Addicting to people so you're trying not to blame him? It's an app, not meth. You ask what we think - I think (I know) he is not being exclusive and doesn't love you like you do him.
I feel like if you have to go through your partners phone there's already trust issues there. Unless you can keep this what this is a casual relationship. Move on. If it hurts now what do you think will happen in the future.
Tell him if he wants to be forgiven, he needs to come clean on everything and let you see what he was writing people. It's too easy for him to just say I messed up, I'm sorry, I didn't go out with anyone, please forgive me. It's another thing to lie to your face about what he did on the app.
If he wants to save the relationship, tell him to open the app now and let you see what he was doing. Not tomorrow, not next week while he deletes everything, right now.
A relationship is built on trust. He lied to you by not telling you about the app. Now see if he has lied to you about what he's been doing. If he says no, you can't trust him because if what he's saying is true, then reading his messages won't bother you because you already know what to expect. A no means he's hiding more than what he's confused to
Meh, it just means he's still out there. It's not really romantic but the reality is it's human nature to make sure you've got the best possible partner and if you guys are not married or committed yet I don't really see a reason why you should be upset that he has his eyes open.
As a former active user of dating apps, I agree that they can be quite addictive and create an habit that is hard to get rid of. I found myself going through them in cases in which I wasn’t really looking for anything. I don’t think it’s a terrible crime or a reason to break up with someone, but it should be talked about.
Unfortunately, I’m about to say something that you or some people might find harsh
Everyone out here (including yourself), know the answer already. That whatever he’s doing is shit and crap. BUT. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you what to do, or what the right thing to do is. You’ll still end up staying, like you said, you love him and don’t wanna break up with him.
Only you can help yourself. I just hope you work your way up into really loving yourself. Cause if you genuinely love yourself, it won’t matter how much you love a person, your own self won’t let you tolerate bs behavior, you won’t let anybody treat you like shit, or make you question your self worth.
It sounds so cliche hearing “love yourself” but damn right it’s so true.
Take care of yourself.
As a guy, only two reasons guys do that. One is to hookup. Other is to find someone better. He is treating you as an option and unless he doesn’t find anyone better he will settle with you as a last resort back up kinda option.
I met one of my exes on gay romeo. After it became serious with him, I deleted my account and removed the app. He obviously didn't because another friend of mine, who was still active on that app, did send me pictures of his very active profile around 6 months later.
I asked my ex about it and he also gave me the "I'm only chatting with friends on there" bullshit. Ah ok... You talk to friends on WhatsApp or Treema. And not on a gay dating and hookup app.
Trust was immediately broken after him refusing to show me the chats. So I did something I'm actually not proud of afterwards. I created a new account with a different name and just texted him. Not in a pushy "I want to have sex with you" way. It took him exactly 2 messages ("Hey" was one of them) to send me a picture of his junk and then proudly proclaim that he wanted to breed me until I was full.
So yeah... The "I only talk to friends on dating(hookup apps" guys are the worst. Again... Not saying this is 100% the case here. Or that you should do the same thing I did. You can't really complain about missing trust if you then fake an entire profile to spy on him... (Again, not proud of it)
Your not trying to blame a full grown man with a full developed brain? Sorry of this is harsh but you are being extremely naive. Stop it. Yes social media is addictive but going on a damm date app is a choice.
The fact that he won’t show you anything is very disturbing. And i think its unacceptable. Now you are in a position to break your head over something wich he could easily have fixed by being open and honest. Is this what you want for your future?
I really truly wish you all the best 💗
Girl, you've been played, and he is a pro. Only pros "admit" to doing some things to get your sympathy/trust him, but then lies on the big stuff and pretends to be angry at themselves. There is a 0% chance that he didn't do anything on that app.
I know Reddit usually tells people to leave (too) easily, but this is one where it's actually warranted. Take it as a sign from the universe.
I met my ex on Hinge. Went on a date and we decided on going on a 2nd date (and more later). I told her I don’t date multiple people and deleted Hinge before I left. It’s not addictive and you have no reason to be on that app other than to look for someone else to be with.
People in solid relationships don't use dating apps. End of story. There's not one justifiable reason to be signed up when you're committed to someone.
You should’ve gotten out of the car the second he said “no” to letting you see the convos. I could see a potential grey area given the totality of circumstances here, but if it’s nothing (“just out of boredom, nothing sexual, just attention”), then you seeing the messages shouldn’t be a problem. Either way, move on. He isn’t trustworthy.
The brazen admission and declaration you should just trust him without any indication of how he is earning that trust makes me think the usual 'just dump him' cry of Reddit advice threads is properly correct this time.
You said explicitly that you two are not exclusive. So what is the problem?
Would you rather that he hid the fact that he is not exclusive?
Personally, I think it is a good sign that he is comfortable enough to allow you to see such things…meaning there is probably not much to see.
If you are upset that he is seeing others, then you need to live in the same city and mutually agree to be exclusive. Very very hard to justify exclusivity if you two didn’t reach that threshold before moving out of the city.
you'd rather blame the app being addictive than admit he's just not that into you?
well, ok. I know why gambling is addictive for people without enough money. so why is Hinge addictive for him?
It might be addiction too and he seems to lie, if he doesnt want you to see the chat history.
Question which you can answer to yourself - do you have active sex life with him? Like having sex every day or every other day? Otherwise, some guys needs it very often, every day or they might start cheating. There have been plenty instances where couple has sex like once a week so its like asking to be cheated upon...
Dating apps are only addicting if you aren't in a fulfilling relationship. If your happy and content with who your with. You don't need to look around. Especially not 7 months into a relationship...
It never ceases to amaze me how when people cheat and cross your boundaries suddenly they don't want you crossing their boundaries. He doesn't get to tell you what parts of his infidelity he wants to share with you. If he doesn't share it all he is still lying. Him promising not to cheat is just him promising to do what should be your standard in any relationship. Good luck OP.
You’re right, it is quite addictive, like instagram, you can continue to swipe and check out beautiful women even after declaring and being in a committed relationship. And the options are endless.
I guess he doesn’t want to settle down yet, and her addicted, and got more women to date and check out.
Don’t lie to yourself, most people when entering a committed relationship get off the apps. Being addicted isn’t a great excuse. What’s next, he declares he’d addicted to sex, so when you’re gone for 3 weeks out of the month, he must have sex with other women??? Despite being in a relationship with you? Lol, this guy can’t be trusted.
Yeah he is sooooo full of shit.
Name checks out
r/usernamechecksout
Yea, but she needs to know. Tell him if he wants to be forgiven, he needs to come clean on everything and let you see what he was writing people. It's too easy for him to just say I messed up, I'm sorry, I didn't go out with anyone, please forgive me. It's another thing to lie to your face about what he did on the app. If he wants to save the relationship, tell him to open the app now and let you see what he was doing. Not tomorrow, not next week while he deletes everything, right now. A relationship is built on trust. He lied to you by not telling you about the app. Now see if he has lied to you about what he's been doing. If he says no, you can't trust him because if what he's saying is true, then reading his messages won't bother you because you already know what to expect. A no means he's hiding more than what he's confessed to
Oh all those messages got deleted the second he went to the bathroom or she left the room.
and if he is really smart, he left some messages that look innocent.
Second this, I was in a similar situation in my last relationship where he apologised for it but also blamed me for him doing that. And that I should trust him and not bring it up ever again if we want to continue the relationship. When I pressed for more information like what he talked to them about, he just said he forgot it's probably nothing important. You have to ask yourself honestly if you really can sit well with the hiding, the inauthenticity and untrustworthiness.
Similar to my previous relationship. I discovered she was texting with a friend online and intentionally hid it from me. When I found out, I asked her and reading those messages I was really devastated. Right after that, she apologized to me and wouldn't do it again, but a few minutes later she asked to go to the bathroom and took the opportunity to change the phone password so I couldn't see it anymore and forced me to trust her. It's hard to believe it but it came true…
I'm a guy. He was either looking for someone else to fuck or someone to date instead of you. Do not accept any other explanation or justification from him. Run while you still can
I'm a guy also. And I agree. The only reason to even have the app installed is to find other girls. No ifs or buts about it.
… or guys😏. eeeither way, there’s a saying in my country “el que tiene hambre , en pan piensa” (if you are hungry your are going to think about bread 🍞). If he’s on a dating app… connect the dots.
I am hungry and I am thinking about bread so, you are right.
Idk, I met my girlfriend on the app and she and I both have the app with the setting that hides you from people because we wanna keep our first messages to each other
Or you can screen shot the messages and delete the app??
But then how will he hook up with other girls?
Or you could hand write them on cards and use as random romantic mementos throughout the years.
You mean your ex boyfriend, right? Girl, don’t take this disrespect. You deserve more.
He wouldn’t show you the conversations because there is stuff in there you would be very angry about — obviously. Ditch this lying, cheating sack of crap and save yourself the trouble in the future.
I'd break up with him. Sure, he deleted everything. Which means you literally have no idea what he actually did on the app. And I **LOATHE** the "You should trust me" comment. Find a new boyfriend, one who is not "long distance." Even part of the time.
The long distance has nothing to do with him being an asshat.
"Trust, but verify"
Apparently long distance isn’t working for him. [Monkey Branching](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/monkey-branching/#:~:text=Highlights,of%20the%20relationship%20in%20question)
wow TIL I totally got monkey branched and it fucking suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks
Today I learned the thing my ex wife was doing behind my back throughout our whole relationship actually has a name. Neat.
*When she's saying, oh that she wants only me Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends When she's saying, oh that I'm like a disease Then I wonder how much more I can spend Well I guess I should stick up for myself But I really think it's better this way The more you suffer The more it shows you really care, right?*
>He wouldn’t let me see the app conversations, but said I should trust him that he won’t go on it again LOL. Come on. >I think the app is addicting to people, so I’m trying not to blame him. I've done a lot of online dating, and met my current partner of 3 years on Tinder. Go ahead and blame him! He's a cheater, and I can pretty much guarantee he's not "addicted" to online dating (even if he is, he needs to go work on that with professionals, not drag you into his bullshit). Going back on HInge was a choice. Dump him. This is an easy one.
Yeah, I’ve met my on Tinder too, deleted as soon as we got serious, we had a LDR I’ve never doubter him or him me, we give each other the respectful place we deserve in each other’s lives, and we’re getting married soon. None of these excuses given here make sense. He’s just disrespecting her and their relationship.
Trust him as he is showing you in real time that he's been lying and sneaking the entire length of your relationship? Girl you'd have to be in a very sorry state to trust him again.
Yeah, I only go on Chaturbate because I enjoy the chat rooms. Nothing else, though. Ma’am…you’re smarter than that.
I go to gloryholes for the plot.
-Demand to see the conversations -Afterwards, even if it's innocent, tell him he's going to delete that and any other dating app -If he puts up a fight about either of those things, it's time to move on, 7 months is way more than long enough to figure if you want to take the relationship seriously or not.
You’re wrong. It’s blatantly obvious he’s either cheated or trying to cheat. The only question now is whether or not you will give him a second chance. I personally would not. No one in a relationship is having innocent conversations on hinge. Let’s not be naive.
The guy is 36, he's not changing. This wasn't an accident, only that he got caught because he was stupid and not very clever and worse, he thought she'd be more stupid and even less clever than him.
Thank you. Yes he said he was deleting everything, but he wouldn’t show me the app and by the time I saw him next everything was deleted completely
Ok, even if he deleted everything and promises to never do that to you again… you will always wonder and have doubts about him. Seriously, he could do a complete turnaround and it won’t matter. You will be insecure at times and it will steal good moments away. He soiled the relationship by seeking out other options. He’s a dirtbag who wasn’t honest. I’m sorry. There are good, decent men out there that do not do this.
If there was nothing damning, he would have let you read the messages and explain he just gets validation out of the match but never flirted or tried to meet. I could maybe accept. He can’t tell you to just trust him when he’s pretty much already violated your trust. He had to take it on himself to get your trust back but instead put it on you to somehow have it again. i’m really sorry this happened to you, and i know you want to just go back to how it was, but you can’t go back. any time you spend with this guy is time wasted. You’re always going to be wondering if he’s hiding something. I’ve known a few scumbag dudes in my day and this guy is one. When things like this happen, the lesson isn’t “i can’t do this to her again,” it’s “i have to get better at hiding it.”
That puts you in a very awkward position. You have no idea what was being said or what information was traded back and forth. If he has never done anything else for you to be suspicious about i'd say proceed with caution, but maybe don't worry about it tooooo much. If this is just the latest of red flags i'd still advise to think about where this is heading. Again, if it had been 7 weeks and you were still just going on dates, but if you are BF/GF it's time to stop talking to other people. 7 months is too long to be playing games.
If i was in this position with a girl i cared about i would be bending over backwards to prove the conversations were harmless. but then again i wouldn't ever be in this position with a girl i cared about in the first place lol
Deleting shit is enough proof for me. If you wouldnt want me to see it then nope thanks.
Yup phone unlocked go through whatever you want lmao should be easy enough if theres nothing to hide.
Why would he delete everything vs jsjt uninstall ING the app?
If I recall correctly. If you redownload hinge and login with your phone number, chats will still be there.
How many red flags does this child (because that is what he is) need to wave in your face before you leave? I could name 4 or 5 from this post alone, would you like a list? Have some respect for yourself and know you are worth WAY more than he is showing you.
I’m not entirely sure how dating apps work, but couldn’t he still access it from a browser even if he deleted the app itself? I can delete the FB app but still access everything from a browser. ETA: Plus, if he’s genuinely friends with these women, then why doesn’t he have their numbers and is communicating with them that way? Why does he only have their dating app contact info?
This is a trash take, sorry. **It doesn't matter what the conversations were.** He's on a fucking dating app. That alone is enough. Have some goddamn self respect please for the *love of god.* You shouldn't have to tell someone to delete the dating app. If the only reason your partner deletes the app and doesn't cheat on you is because you force them to and keep tabs on them **that's not a good fucking partner.** Fuck me.
And of course it's the reply OP responds to and agrees with!
LDR makes it very hard to trust situations like this. I would say he is out shopping. My advice to you is to dump him.
Leave now, he cannot be trusted. Cut your losses.
Strike one: Long distance relationship Strike two: Lies Strike three: Asking for trust but refusing to provide reasons to trust.
Doesn’t matter what he was doing on the app really, the only thing that matters here is he didn’t trust you enough to let you look through the conversations for your own understanding. He’s hiding something. Could be conversations could be actions. It doesn’t matter. It’s the deceit that matters because that is not an act of love. He’s not giving you peace of mind or the full story. You deserve to be with someone who is an open book who you can trust and he can trust you. I was with someone 7 years knew them really well, and they got a message one day that I briefly glimpsed then asked about. They lied who it was from then when I asked to see it said they’d deleted it as they read it out of habit. Long story short it was hiding something big and I had no idea. In the end you can’t tell if people are trustworthy by whether you actually catch them just by whether they let you look, and whether you can think of times where they told you something they didn’t really want to (embarrassing, hurtful) but told you because they want to share good and hard times with you. If someone only tells you good stories about their past and not mistakes etc, it’s a sign they are putting on a show
Oh no. Just no. There is no way on this earth that someone is on a dating app “just because.” Just because…why, exactly? Just to talk to people? That’s why social media exists. That’s why we text with friends. Hell, that’s why we have Reddit if we’re looking to talk with strangers. There is no “just because” when it comes to a dating app. I mean there is, but it’s just because he’s looking for the kind of interaction that is pretty exclusive to dating apps. You’ve only been together 7 months. Get out now. I’m sure he’s angry at himself for getting caught, for fucking things up with you. He’s not angry at hurting you otherwise he wouldn’t have done this to begin with. And not letting you see the conversations is all you need to know about the nature of the conversations. My love and I don’t go through each other’s phones, but either of us would be free to at any time, for any reason, into any app or conversation, or file, or anything because there is nothing to hide. That’s trust. Not saying no you can’t look but trust me! Pfftt.
He’s cheating obviously
“I downloaded this dating app, but I’m not using it to date anyone.” If you believe that, I’ve got some oceanfront property in Iowa to sell you.
He’s not long distance anymore… I’m back in town
Stop looking for answers. There are nine. Go looking for some self esteem instead.
Let me share a story with you… My sister met a man online a few years ago. They fell hard for each other. They were long distance for the beginning of their relationship. About one month in, HE declares to her that he is taking his dating profile off the dating app they met on and tells her that he doesn’t need it anymore because he has found her. The one. He wants to be in a relationship with her and have her be his girlfriend. She didn’t ask or demand this, but was so happy because she felt the same way. During the conversation, he even told her to check for herself. She didn’t, she just trusted him. A day or two goes by and his communication becomes a little sporadic and she just had a feeling. I go see her and she says she wants to look and see if he did take off his profile. It looks, at first, like he did and she’s relieved, feels stupid. I tell her to change the location. He was on a family vacation, so she finds the location. She finds him in a matter of seconds. He protested too much… he just changed his location and communication fell off a bit. She is upset, but strong and immediately decides that she will end it right then and there. She felt used, but glad she found out early. She tried to call, but has to text him that she won’t see him again and doesn’t say why. He instantly texts back and asks why she is saying this. As that text came through… his profile disappears like magic. It’s gone. We can’t find it anymore. Imagine that. She ceases communicating with him for several hours. She ends up getting mad and calls him “why?” He makes up a story that he had two profiles and he simply forgot the other one… that his location was on for it unbeknownst to him and that he deleted everything. Sound familiar? She doesn’t back down… says it is shady that it was in the vacation city he was in without her. She is done. This part here… is important. He says he will respect her decision and proceeds to say he loves her… for the very first time. My poor sister was single for 2 years and wasn’t even really looking for a relationship, but folded immediately after he said that to her. She said it back. They are still together and she doesn’t trust anything he says. She questions him quite a bit and is always on edge, especially when he is on his phone or she hasn’t heard from him. He has had other indiscretions that he simply explained away, but it only heightens her anxiety and insecurity. He even had a post on Reddit looking to hook up with someone else. He said that was a glitch. Please, get away from that man… I know I am just a stranger, but I want to help you move on from the nightmare it will become for you. You’ll waste years. Please, you can do it. I believe in you and the fact that you can find a good, decent man.💖
He might have been using Hinge for one of its non-dating features. Oh, wait, there aren’t any.
Jesus christ. It's only been 7 months. Just break up with him. Like, how desperate are you for some sort of relationship that you'd let some clown mess with you like this?
Had a girl do something similar after 5 months, dump him.
Get some space away from him, his words will cloud your judgement. Think about your needs what makes you happy. This was poor behaviour on his part don’t reward it. I have been there, it’s not a great feeling, I know. But be strong.
So why do you think he doesn’t want you to see the conversations? Did he have some silly long complex reason for why you shouldn’t see them? Cause I’m telling you he definitely met people through that app and he was trying to obscure the evidence.
"Trust me bro"
He's telling you what to do? That you should trust him? He won't let you read the messages, either. It's going nowhere and you deserve better. He likes the attention he receives on the app, and that is definitely a problem. He could also have a sex addiction and that's his outlet. People send nude images on these things... You love him a lot, but it doesn't sound like he loves you a lot.
I really don't understand these posts. You either trust him or you don't. If all signs point to "no," then dump him. It's pretty simple. If it's possible that people can go on there and have casual conversations, then maybe he really was. Never been on Hinge- I'm more of a Grindr guy myself, but I've made several platonic, non-sexual friends on there. The bottom line is that you know your relationship better than anyone commenting on this thread, and you've been through a divorce and should know the signs & your boundaries. If he won't show you the conversations, then he's probably hiding something. If you think he was just lonely & was addicted to the app (which I agree- those apps are designed to be addicting with the attention you can get on them), and you think you can communicate more openly & honestly going forward with a second chance, then go for it. Also, if you've TALKED about being exclusive, then it sounds like maybe there's a chance you never actually both agreed to that- and if that's the case, then maybe he was under the impression you weren't ready to commit to him. I think you both need to have a conversation, discuss expectations, and set boundaries.
I need you to read your post again and pretend it was written by your little sister and she is asking you for advice. I don’t think you would have any hesitation to tell her to drop this clown for playing in her face. Stop with the desperation and have some boundaries on how people treat you.
He's bullshitting you. It's possible that him not exchanging phone numbers yet is true but it's obvious that it would be because of lack of occasion. If he downloaded a dating app, it's because he wants to date. No subtilty there. Good luck
Wow this is insane. Ok continue being a pushover and be with someone who actively cheats on you and makes you compete with every woman out there while you're together. Grow a pair.
Relationship is over. Move on
I’m just gonna say it’s better to rip the band aid off now than later on. If he did that to you within seven months, what to do think he’ll try to get away with in 7 years? Truthfully, you deserve better!
I didnt know there was a girl version of "trust me bro"
Na sorry, send him packing. You cannot trust him.
Major red flag. The thing is that if kept using the app only to chat with people he became friends with before you two got serious with eachother I don't see any harm in that. Nothing wrong with staying in touch with online friends. But the fact he doesn't want to show you what he's been doing on the app says enough in my opinion. If he was truly not doing anything wrong he would have no issue letting you see his phone and check what he was doing on that app. He has something to hide, and that's not a good sign. A relationship should be built on trust and him being vague and defensive about this just shows to me whatever he is/was doing on Hinge is bad, bad enough to not want to show you.
Yeah, do yourself a massive favour and make him your ex-boyfriend stat.
He don’t like you girl lol
If there was nothing to hide, he would have shown you the chat messages.
That’s not trustworthy shit. When I meet someone I’m happy to get to know, even at the very start I delete the apps as a sign of good faith and just because like, I don’t need that if I’m fulfilled. It’s a huge red flag and would probably turn to worse if that’s his standard. Get out while it’s early
When will women realize that when men do this it means you’re not his type. You’re just a time filler to fuck and fill the loneliness for him while he looks for someone he actually wants to be with. It’s that simple. If a man met his dream girl, do you think he’d be online looking for someone else?? NO! You’re not her. Leave him.
You literally caught him cheating. My frie d was caught on tinder by his wide and said he just downloaded it because he was curious. That was a lie, just like your boyfriend is lying.
Run.
And you weren't doing the same... Divorcee. Stop with the narcissism. You ain't no angel giiiirrrrl. Old mate is hedging his bets because he's had a wiff of something not on point with you. Check your username. 😂 The only thing you love is attention. 304.
Yes yes it's all the apps fault... wake up. He either shows you the chats or you walk. Have a spine.
People like this got a girlfriend 😂😂
lol. break up girl
assume he was hitting on girls and trying to find someone to sleep with. this 100% happened. how you wanna go from there is up to you
Dude here, Ive been cheated on my 3 main multiyear relationships (with women). He either cheated or was happy to. Its your call, you can forgive him and wait for the next fuck up in a few months or run. I would run. The thing that makes me want to smash his face in is him blaming you. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! If someone isn't happy in their relationship, they talk it through or break up or whatever, theirs no excuse for cheating, because EVEN in the worse case, he could've left a shit message saying: "Hey im breaking up with you, bye" minutes before sticking his dick in another girl, to at least have the excuse of being single. Cheaters blaming the cheated, theirs a special place in hell for them... You WILL find someone better, I promise. Big hug.
I say this in the kindest possible way: you’re trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because you’re especially low at the moment after a divorce, and after having to humble yourself by moving back in with your family, you thought this was something nice to look forward, to and now if he leaves you’re back to square one. If you were younger with a healthy self esteem, had a couple of relationships after a big breakup (enough to know that they are many fish in the sea) you would have ran the second you realised he was definitely emotionally cheating on you. But now you’re coming on Reddit saying you think hinge is addictive instead of facing the truth - you need to be single again and you can never trust this man again. He’s shown you who you are and wouldn’t let you read the messages indicating there is something unforgivable there. There is a lot of cheating involved in a lot of long distance relationships unfortunately. Also, with his quick thinking manipulation tactics, he has also probably been aware that you’re especially vulnerable and “desperate” after the divorce since the beginning, and subconsciously will use against you. Him meeting your family and coming to visit doesn’t mean shit, it’s incredibly easy to do that.
nah. let's not say "i'm trying not to blame him". he is a grown man, knows what he's doing and unfortunately (and i learnt this the hard way) doesn't love you if he's continuing on dating apps. if he did, he would have no interest in them. i'm speaking from my own personal experience who went through something kind of similar as regards dating apps - and as they say, hindsight is 20/20. i made all the excuses for him then, tried to justify it in my own head, didn't want to come down on him too hard about things incase it would scare him off. i've since realised that's only because at the time i didn't respect or love myself enough, so i didn't reprimand him out of a place of insecurity and i didn't walk away when i should. this disrespect will continue, especially if there are no consequences to his actions because men love to test to see what they can get away with! you might be reading this thinking "well anon doesn't know him, doesn't know our relationship, it's so good when we're together", etc etc. this is all true, but i said those exact same things and truthfully i do believe my ex did care for me a lot but he was completely immature, had a lot of work to do on himself, etc etc. but that's not what i want for myself and i hope not what you want for yourself either. you don't need to settle for that. you deserve someone who treats you with respect, doesn't go behind your back with things (especially of this nature), and just generally doesn't download a f*cking dating app when he's been talking about love and a future with a current partner!!!!! i am sending you all of the strength incase you don't feel like you have it yourself right now (but truthfully, you absolutely do even if you can't see it). all the best my love ❤️
Op if he won't let you see the convos he's doing damage control. He's 100% cheating. And probably hooked up with someone while he was away. Just cut the cord dude. There is no advantage to staying with cheaters
A tricky situation. I’m a man, and here is my point of view: * I have been a bit hooked on these apps myself, and it can be relatively innocuous. I started dating a girl a few years ago, and we were exclusive, but she made me quite insecure in the relationship, and I used the apps for validation. I didn’t meet anyone, and it was a shitty thing to do (I know better now), but that’s how it went down. * The fact that he didn’t want to show you the conversations means that he’s at least been flirting, and quite possibly set up dates. There is no way around that. * If you stay with him, you’ll need to put your foot down hard, and it will take time for you to trust him again. You will have to tell him that. He needs to see the seriousness in the situation.
Sooo there’s no hope?
Not really. I was kinda in your shoes, chose to believe it was dumb, then it happened again.
No hope to ever trust him again. Why stay? Why put yourself through that?
If you go back with him after this, he’ll do it again but he’s learnt his lesson and will do it way more covert next time.
I'm possibly about to get a divorce because my wife lied. They say trust can be repaired, but I'm not convinced.
On one hand you guys are early into the relationship somewhat. On the other he is clearly not feeling like he found the one. Huge red flag. You keep him gratified until he finds someone he wants more. You have to make a call here.
I mean yeah you should get rid of him but also meeting someone long distance over hinge and it’s only been a few months, just creating a tricky situation all over
"What do you thing" ??? I thing he is not really into you as he claims to be
Future you will appreciate that current you civilly ended this romance.
Unfortunately when trust is broken, it is extremely hard to earn back. It’s not impossible, but it takes A LOT of work & commitment from both of you. He definitely made it even worse by not showing you the app & being completely transparent. Since he deleted everything, you will now never know what he was really doing on there. From my experience, when someone is caught doing something wrong yet says “trust me” while not being open means they are still hiding something. I’d bet a lot of money on the fact it is worse than he claims. No one is going to be able to tell you what to do. Even if you forgive him, you will never forget. People make mistakes, true, especially early on in relationships. However he had the opportunity to admit it & work through it with you & he chose not to. You may think deleting the app was “working with you” but really that’s just an easy escape out of a difficult situation & only saves him, not you. Trust is so important. Personally I wouldn’t continue only after 7 months with that kind of manipulation & deception.
Sounds questionable.
7 months and your just now talking about exclusivity? Also, whoever got divorced... You're in a reboubd relationship.
Just leave there's only pain to come from this dude
Get married and waste 10 more years of your life.
Don’t be his option. You are worth more than that.
I can't tell you what to do. It's for you to decide. But my advice is to not waste any time. I can tell you that I was cheated on for many months and the thing I regret most was the time I wasted on her. I wish I had left the first time my gut told me. There were so many signs and hints along the way. She started abusing me both mentally and physically. It's been 6 years since we broke up and I still haven't recovered mentally.
Leave him. A lot of those men on the apps will keep getting on them idk it’s weird and they are never actually serious about the relationship
"You should trust him" - didn't he break that trust already by having that app downloaded still? If you didn't find it, how much longer did he plan to use it? Sounds like he's looking for something better but hasn't found anything yet. He acts like not getting a number is doing you a favor. You can do a lot without getting anyone's number fyi. Pffft
He’s keeping his options open and lying to you. Men don’t stay on these apps for validation like women tend to do. It’s too much effort to flirt and date if they aren’t getting what they want, and they want another conquest. If he were honest about the conversations being innocent, he deleted the only evidence he had to corroborate. Don’t fall for his shit. Addiction my ass. If he’s willing to hide this, imagine all the other things he’s willing to hide. Nope. Run.
Pretty much a behavioural statement saying, “I’m with you until someone ‘better’ comes along”. Let him do that alone, and discover that he likely won’t find someone better.
Sounds like he was looking to have an emotional affair with someone
Move on
>need help and opinions. I think the app is addicting to people, so I’m trying not to blame him My opinion is you need more self respect. I don't care how addicting it is. I mean I fundamentally disagree it's addicting for men. The vast majority of men find dating apps depressing as fuck. Few matches, expected to put forth all the effort, constant ghosting. It's not fun at all. But it doesn't matter. You guys have talked about exclusivity. I don't know if it was decided. But 7 months? At mid 30s? Saying I love you to each other? That shit is understood in my opinion. And his refusal to get off Hinge is a dealbreaker. Not a red flag, a dealbreaker. It doesn't matter what the conversation are. You should blame him because he is deserving of blame. And you should leave him because he is a cheater.
When a man tells you who he is, believe him the first time.
You have a choice here: pretend he's telling you the truth; assume he's lying but you're open to others being included in the relationship (for both of you); or you're NOT at all comfortable with others being included in the relationship. How you decide is how you go forward.
If you're exclusive, there's absolutely no reason for him to be on a dating app. "Just because" = he was looking for someone else. End of story. 7 months in, he's letting that "beginning of relationship sparkle" facade slip, and he's showing you his true colors. No thanks. Plus... deleting the app doesn't delete your account, so unless he did both, he could just re-download the app and he'd still have his profile, conversations, etc and be on his merry way.
Don’t be a place holder for him to figure out he like you or finds someone he thinks is better.
come on now
Sounds like he is keeping you around until he finds something better. :( I would break up. Why look at conversations that will only haunt you or hurt you? Walk away. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time or energy.
If you would like a perspective from someone trying to see the good in people, has he given you a real reason not to trust him? Personally, I would have deleted the app if I was content with what I have, but maybe he has fun chatting with women on the app. I don't know if that is proof of a cheater, and I would hold off on investing more of myself in him for a while until I can be convinced that he is trustworthy, but certainly not cause to nuke the whole thing
I wouldn’t trust him honestly. He wouldn’t let you see the app after violating the boundaries and of your relationship and your trust.
ask him to delete it, because it still bothers you a lot and makes you act jealousy if he still declines, that would be telling.
If he was the love of your life he would see your value and wouldn’t need to seek unfulfilling dates online. Run girl.
Hahah end it. My ex was on tinder while I was visiting (long distance) he acted Liek it was ok, and every guy was browsing…..only to find out he had two other “gf’s” and was on tinder looking for hookups. They lie through their teeth. I should have left sooner.
Girl be real with yourself. He had the app and wouldn’t let you see it… doesn’t that tell you enough?
This happened to me last January with my boyfriend of over a year. It will never end. He will continue to cheat or “fake cheat”. He won’t change. Cheaters do not change! Please just leave and mourn in peace, you’ll thank yourself in a month.
I mean if your friend told you this what would you say to them? Take the same advice for yourself
Oh, no. Honestly, circumstances do NOT matter when it comes to these things. LDR have nothing to do with this. This is just the person he is. There absolutely 0 reason for him to have that app when you’re together. He would still be doing stuff if you were living in the same city/living together. It’s better that you’re finding out now.
Gworll denial is a river in Egypt. Leave him that man is cheating.
This isn’t normal behaviour from someone who is in committed relationship and don’t make him think you’re crazy for feeling betrayed.. clearly he is wanting to keep his options open, don’t be the one he’s keeping warm whilst looking for something else. Not ok
„Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me“ ✅
Yeah he's trying to fuck and forget lmao
So this is what looking through colored glasses mean by
He wouldn't let you see his conversations and said to just trust him? If you don't leave you will be this man's doormat
Time to get up and leave! Don’t be dumb like I was… I stuck around for 5yrs and it continued the whole time.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You don’t want this. You want to be respected. Dump his cheating ass.
lol it’s not my fault I’m on hinge it’s the apps fault for being addictive. That’s a pretty weak gaslight, but understandable that you’re accepting what he said as you want to believe him. He’s lying, break up
Get rid of it
He’s cheating on you. Dump him so you can meet someone better
Since it’s long distance ghost block & delete! Don’t waste anymore of your youth on this guy! I’d go download Hinge & every other app myself and start over! You really dodged a bullet! Run while u can!
If he didnt let you open it to see his profile and messaging, its because he was lying what he said to you and is likely hiding it. Run
Validation on those apps is a hell of a drug It may mean nothing but the thing is can you ever believe it?
Addicting to people so you're trying not to blame him? It's an app, not meth. You ask what we think - I think (I know) he is not being exclusive and doesn't love you like you do him.
Unhinge him
Communicate again. People change...
I feel like if you have to go through your partners phone there's already trust issues there. Unless you can keep this what this is a casual relationship. Move on. If it hurts now what do you think will happen in the future.
Fucking other people is addicting too. What answer do you want?
How big a deal is it to you? If it doesn’t change the way he feels about you, why do you care?
Tell him if he wants to be forgiven, he needs to come clean on everything and let you see what he was writing people. It's too easy for him to just say I messed up, I'm sorry, I didn't go out with anyone, please forgive me. It's another thing to lie to your face about what he did on the app. If he wants to save the relationship, tell him to open the app now and let you see what he was doing. Not tomorrow, not next week while he deletes everything, right now. A relationship is built on trust. He lied to you by not telling you about the app. Now see if he has lied to you about what he's been doing. If he says no, you can't trust him because if what he's saying is true, then reading his messages won't bother you because you already know what to expect. A no means he's hiding more than what he's confused to
You guys met on the app is he just supposed to delete it unless you guys are actually serious and long distance relationships some usually work
Meh, it just means he's still out there. It's not really romantic but the reality is it's human nature to make sure you've got the best possible partner and if you guys are not married or committed yet I don't really see a reason why you should be upset that he has his eyes open.
As a former active user of dating apps, I agree that they can be quite addictive and create an habit that is hard to get rid of. I found myself going through them in cases in which I wasn’t really looking for anything. I don’t think it’s a terrible crime or a reason to break up with someone, but it should be talked about.
Get out now when it's relatively early days and low stakes. He is cheating and always will.
Unfortunately, I’m about to say something that you or some people might find harsh Everyone out here (including yourself), know the answer already. That whatever he’s doing is shit and crap. BUT. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you what to do, or what the right thing to do is. You’ll still end up staying, like you said, you love him and don’t wanna break up with him. Only you can help yourself. I just hope you work your way up into really loving yourself. Cause if you genuinely love yourself, it won’t matter how much you love a person, your own self won’t let you tolerate bs behavior, you won’t let anybody treat you like shit, or make you question your self worth. It sounds so cliche hearing “love yourself” but damn right it’s so true. Take care of yourself.
He’s angry he got caught. He wasn’t sorry when you didn’t know…..
As a guy, only two reasons guys do that. One is to hookup. Other is to find someone better. He is treating you as an option and unless he doesn’t find anyone better he will settle with you as a last resort back up kinda option.
He has a girl in every town 😎
I met one of my exes on gay romeo. After it became serious with him, I deleted my account and removed the app. He obviously didn't because another friend of mine, who was still active on that app, did send me pictures of his very active profile around 6 months later. I asked my ex about it and he also gave me the "I'm only chatting with friends on there" bullshit. Ah ok... You talk to friends on WhatsApp or Treema. And not on a gay dating and hookup app. Trust was immediately broken after him refusing to show me the chats. So I did something I'm actually not proud of afterwards. I created a new account with a different name and just texted him. Not in a pushy "I want to have sex with you" way. It took him exactly 2 messages ("Hey" was one of them) to send me a picture of his junk and then proudly proclaim that he wanted to breed me until I was full. So yeah... The "I only talk to friends on dating(hookup apps" guys are the worst. Again... Not saying this is 100% the case here. Or that you should do the same thing I did. You can't really complain about missing trust if you then fake an entire profile to spy on him... (Again, not proud of it)
If he'll do it once, he'll do it twice. Move on.
7 months? Cut your losses, would his responses even matter?
Your not trying to blame a full grown man with a full developed brain? Sorry of this is harsh but you are being extremely naive. Stop it. Yes social media is addictive but going on a damm date app is a choice. The fact that he won’t show you anything is very disturbing. And i think its unacceptable. Now you are in a position to break your head over something wich he could easily have fixed by being open and honest. Is this what you want for your future? I really truly wish you all the best 💗
Girl, you've been played, and he is a pro. Only pros "admit" to doing some things to get your sympathy/trust him, but then lies on the big stuff and pretends to be angry at themselves. There is a 0% chance that he didn't do anything on that app. I know Reddit usually tells people to leave (too) easily, but this is one where it's actually warranted. Take it as a sign from the universe.
It's over for you, I'm a guy and I know
End it with a text message.
The chances of finding a lifetime soulmate online, range from 0.1~1%. Join a club/interest-group.
I've heard that BS before. LEAVE before you waste your time.
Run & move on. I feel he's not to be trusted. If he's in a relationship then why on earth does he need Hinge to chat to people? Bs i smell.
Lmao fucking BYEEEE
I met my ex on Hinge. Went on a date and we decided on going on a 2nd date (and more later). I told her I don’t date multiple people and deleted Hinge before I left. It’s not addictive and you have no reason to be on that app other than to look for someone else to be with.
Idk why you're even posting when it's pretty obvious he's cheating. If you aren't OK with that then you already know the answer.
People in solid relationships don't use dating apps. End of story. There's not one justifiable reason to be signed up when you're committed to someone.
You should’ve gotten out of the car the second he said “no” to letting you see the convos. I could see a potential grey area given the totality of circumstances here, but if it’s nothing (“just out of boredom, nothing sexual, just attention”), then you seeing the messages shouldn’t be a problem. Either way, move on. He isn’t trustworthy.
What a beautiful relationship .
The brazen admission and declaration you should just trust him without any indication of how he is earning that trust makes me think the usual 'just dump him' cry of Reddit advice threads is properly correct this time.
You’re hoping for the best, but come on, you know exactly what he was doing on there.
Yeah keep him u gonna see how he plays with u :)
There are actually decent men out there you could meet instead of clinging onto the ones that use you and treat you like an idiot.
You said explicitly that you two are not exclusive. So what is the problem? Would you rather that he hid the fact that he is not exclusive? Personally, I think it is a good sign that he is comfortable enough to allow you to see such things…meaning there is probably not much to see. If you are upset that he is seeing others, then you need to live in the same city and mutually agree to be exclusive. Very very hard to justify exclusivity if you two didn’t reach that threshold before moving out of the city.
you'd rather blame the app being addictive than admit he's just not that into you? well, ok. I know why gambling is addictive for people without enough money. so why is Hinge addictive for him?
Yeah, nah. Trust is gone. So should he be
We gonna gloss over that DIVORCE time line... you're both wrong
Bye boy!
He is still seeing other people. If you just want to fuck him and talk to someone when your bored. Go ahead. If you want something serious. Drop him.
lol come on, please re-read that post as if your friend wrote it looking for advice.
Major red flags run op
It might be addiction too and he seems to lie, if he doesnt want you to see the chat history. Question which you can answer to yourself - do you have active sex life with him? Like having sex every day or every other day? Otherwise, some guys needs it very often, every day or they might start cheating. There have been plenty instances where couple has sex like once a week so its like asking to be cheated upon...
Did you have to move in with your family to secure alimony?
Dating apps are only addicting if you aren't in a fulfilling relationship. If your happy and content with who your with. You don't need to look around. Especially not 7 months into a relationship...
It never ceases to amaze me how when people cheat and cross your boundaries suddenly they don't want you crossing their boundaries. He doesn't get to tell you what parts of his infidelity he wants to share with you. If he doesn't share it all he is still lying. Him promising not to cheat is just him promising to do what should be your standard in any relationship. Good luck OP.
Show him the road.
Listen here.. You should test his empathy. Often. To see how he reacts. What he did is a tell that he doesn't actually care.
You’re right, it is quite addictive, like instagram, you can continue to swipe and check out beautiful women even after declaring and being in a committed relationship. And the options are endless. I guess he doesn’t want to settle down yet, and her addicted, and got more women to date and check out. Don’t lie to yourself, most people when entering a committed relationship get off the apps. Being addicted isn’t a great excuse. What’s next, he declares he’d addicted to sex, so when you’re gone for 3 weeks out of the month, he must have sex with other women??? Despite being in a relationship with you? Lol, this guy can’t be trusted.
You're old enough to know what's going on here.
Ditch him