Since I was a little kid, I fantasized about dying whenever life seemed to difficult. I would calm myself by reminding myself that I can just die if it gets too bad. I learned later that this was one of the many fucked up symptoms of my mental illness. If you haven't yet, you may want to consider seeing a therapist.
>fucked up symptom
I don't think it's that messed up to think about. When life stresses you out, the reminder that death is always an option tends to be a relief and can make the situation feel a bit better.
And ya death is a "bad" thing to think about but also nobody truly knows what it is as no one has experienced death and lived to talk about it. So how can anyone truly say that death is never an option? Of course, losing the ability to choose is the last thing you want to choose, but, until then, having a sense of freedom will help.
Also don't blame yourself/mental illness before considering if the problem is actually the environment you're in. The solution is either change yourself or change the environment.
Damn is that symptomatic of a specific diagnosis? Or did your therapist/med professional categorize it more as a personal manifestation or trauma response?
Yeah, I could have worded the question better sorry. Best of luck in your therapy journey snd nice job offering your viewpoint to others- Insights like yours can really help people struggling with similar issues who haven’t gotten to take those strips just yet but could use the assurance that there is understanding and relief out there
Yeah I used to do this and then the bad day would come. I'd go to the terrace and stare down. Then I'd wait and dread that inevitable moment. The moment I'd be subjected to everyone's judgement, I always felt like it was the end of the world for me. I'd be disowned and sent to the streets. I'd tell myself It's just one jump and it'll all be over.
Do therapist actually help people? I am a pretty introspective person myself, always analyzing my actions and i can't imagine a stranger giving me any useful reasons i don't already know.
Or telling me something i haven't told myself 1000 times already. Therapy just seems like a waste of time
Yes me.
Occupying a body and mind that your disappointed with everyday, that injects you with emotions and feelings you don't want, that prevents you from having your needs fulfilled, is unironically a hell.
If we ever get to a point where we can transplant our brains to a machine I would sign up ASAP.
Seeing old age problems just scares me to no end. It's never been the death that scares me, it's the pain before it.
So if I go early, please make sure it's quick and less painful. I can't stand living and suffering at the same time.
Make a plan for if it doesn't happen. I had similar hopes and the roof hasn't caved in, no random trees have fallen on me, and unfortunately no lightning strikes have hit me. It gets better... or at least you'll get better at balancing the good against the bad. Journaling might help.
I watched my mother deteriorate and die for most of my young life. Strong, awesome woman who died 80 pounds and the autopsy showed she didn’t even have a pancreas when she died, diabetes took it all away.
I am close to having my children set up so they will get some money from me when I die and also I have some set aside for my ex-wife for child support if I should go before they are all 18.
I would like to get my kids to adulthood, and I really really would like to walk my daughter down the aisle.
Past that, I do not want my children to have to care for me or watch me fade away. This is definition of toxic masculinity, but it’s who I am and I know this.
My dream is to happen across a burning building where people are inside and I can die getting them out. It’s the only shot I have of getting into heaven!
My point is, I don’t want my children to remember me sick and feeble. I wanna burn out, not fade away.
>My dream is to happen across a burning building where people are inside and I can die getting them out. It’s the only shot I have of getting into heaven!
Live like a failure, die like a hero, is what I'm saying.
Sometimes yes. When I am very depressed and life is so hard, I feel like if my suffering were to end through a sudden accident that would be OK. The thing is I love the world. I love so many things about it. I want to do so much and see all of it. But I am trapped in a situation where I do not know if I will ever be free to pursue my dreams and goals or be in charge of my own life. I feel so imprisoned and hopeless, watching other people enjoy this world through the bars of a cage. It would be easier if I didn't have any dreams or desires.
Take comfort in the fact that it's all impermanent. In a few decades, it doesn't matter who enjoyed life and who didn't, we'd all be dead and no one will remember any of us.
There were moments when I was actually going through illness, or recovering from a paralyzing stroke. But the entire time I was working my ass off to recover fully, it's human nature to want to throw on the towel, but what I found kicks in is survivor mode kicks that pity modes ass. A few years ago I was half paralyzed unable to walk, put on my own shoe, my entire left side of my body was worthless, today I'm more healthier than ever, more fit, eating healthy, daily working out. In a wierd way Im kinda glad I went through what I went through, It could have been worse if I didn't go through this and begin taking care of myself.
I want to die soon because I don't want to face my remaining parent's death. One was hard enough and has left me dead inside, I won't be able to handle another.
I definitely feel like dying early naturally is the cop out I'll hopefully get to have to avoid committing suicide, but I also hope I die going so that i don't have experience the slow decay of my mind and body. So much Alzheimer's on both sides, I'm certainly doomed to live out my final years as an empty husk if I live to grow old.
I and my wife were in an unhappy marriage. I didn't hate her, we were just really unhappy. I was so unhappy I was disappointed every morning when I realized I was still alive.
I can't promise this will happen to you, but my wife and I are really happy now. I still get a bout of depression once in a while, but I don't stay that way and actually am glad to wake up and miss my wife on days that she is not here.
I am sorry I don't have any great advice. For me it was realizing that I was causing my own problems, and blaming them on others. Your problem may not be anything like mine.
Still, I am happy now, and there is a chance things could change and you will be happy. There might be a light at the end of the tunnel, and you might get there. I wish I could promise more.
Clearly not me, I don't have an incredible life but frankly I make the most of it as best I can, I have the opposite problem. Life is so cool, I don't want it to end at all, the fact that it could stop even scares me.
I suffer with bpd, and honestly, sometimes I do. It's a shame because I would love to live life to the fullest, but I'm sometimes in excruciating emotional pains.
Bipolar 1 here myself so I feel ya hard on this. My last mania really fucked up my marriage then I went into a deep depression filled with emotional pain that manifested as physical pain and also the worst chronic fatigue i've ever experienced, lost my job a 4th stint in the psyche ward. It was one of the most grueling times in my life and lasted for well over a year straight. There's even more deeper fucked up shit I went through spiritually and existentially, I just wanted to no longer exist. However, for the last \~9 months I have been the most stable that I have been for a long long time and in addition no poisonous medications. It's hard but keep a semblance of hope, speak with your very soul through meditation and tell them what you need and want in your life, with enough hope and faith you'll get through it. Much love!
I hate being here so bad, I feel so out of place in the world, I struggle connect with anyone and anything. And I've tried to actually live, i try daily but it sucks so much I just don't want to be part of it anymore. Big sigh fr
Hear you, many don't understand.
Over it, first step I'm taking is cutting off everyone that is of no good to me.
Next is moving somewhere else that interest me and just keep to myself.
I am sorry you feel that way.
I first realized when speaking to a friend a few yrs back.... but yeah i genuinely didnt and dont expect to live a long life and genuinely fear the progression of age and the inevitability of becoming elderly.
I cannot say i am unhappy. I have loved ones i care for but yeah .......
Life is what you make it. Last dec i turn 66. I spent my life following what Society says I should do and how I should live. If you're doing the same stop it. Live the life you wish to lead if that is what will make you happy you will not achieve full happiness but most of your life will be full.
I for one hope to die on the battlefield. Yes i know the heroic death is mostly a myth, but i just want to die with a purpose and not just languish and croack on a hospital bed
This is what I've always wished. I don't mind growing old but suffering for that long is not something I want to experience. I often fantasize saving someone in an accident at the cost of my own life. That way at least my death would have some value.
Mid 30's here. I find purpose by investing in my body. Increasing strength, balance, reaction speed, day by day, until I'm an unstoppable mountain man. It's an absolute blast and I hope to continue conquering challenges and living as long as I can! Find pride in your strength and you may be able to enjoy life as well.
Oh yes i sometimes say out loud I can’t wait to be dead, though it has been a long time since I said that but for about a good five years it were regularly a thing, just like a sigh or a fuck me. And I generally think it’s because of my many worries or at least in my case, be it money finding a partner family issues, or career, If you are dead then you can’t worry about them you be at peace or you know dead.
And when you stop saying it then you realise maybe life have gotten a little better, I still worry about money, and finding a partner, a better job, and family but along the way I did lose 70-80 pounds, I have gotten a job that doesn’t pay good but it’s a good workplace, gotten a new and better apartment. Even though you do suffer try to set it up so you suffer less🙂
I feel this. I have no fear of death, but I do fear a long, slow, painful decline that ultimately results in my death. I'm watching my uncle go through that now and it's rough.
No not really. Even if I am suffering I'm always curious to see how bad or better it can get. Curiosity about anything is enough to keep going. I want to see if WW3 will actually kick off, if aliens will visit, what kind of people my kids will turn into, etc. Curiosity is enough motivation to want to stick around d even if you are suffering.
Yea sometimes. It’s the craziest thing I have to knock on wood after I say…
I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer 2 years ago, and I was DEVASTATED… I did not want to die.. I was so shocked and upset and couldn’t face it. And then I got to remission and felt relief… but a few months after, a different feeling crept in… I started thinking about all the things I’d have to deal with and face, that I’d been relieved I wouldn’t have to face if I was going to die. It was so strange and complicated.
I’m grateful to be alive and I don’t want to die.. but I weirdly felt anxious when I realized I might actually survive this. I didn’t expect I would survive it when I was first diagnosed.. I was almost certain I wouldn’t, it was just a matter of when. And-I’m only two years out so I really don’t know if I will. But it feels more of a possibility now, and it’s so weird facing that. It’s a mix of gratitude and apprehension.
i live life to the fullest but honestly i often think about dying. i've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for almost a decade, i've been ok for 2 years now, but the idea of death seems alleviating sometimes. i won't do it cuz of the people that care about me, but if it happens, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’ve felt like this my whole life since a kid. It never went away and still hasn’t. There were periods where I thought about it less, but it was never not there.
I used to hope this a lot I still do every now and then living is hard and I could die to a Snapchating teen any day but now I live to just spite my old self who really wanted to die
Bro I wanna die soooo bad.
Not because my life is shit or anything, got stable income a loving family a healthy group of friends.
Ive just been incredibly interested in dying for years now, just what is next and how does it feel
No, get some professional help as ruminating in these thoughts is not productive and won’t fix any of your problems.
You might not be able to control whatever negative stuff is conjured from your mind, but you can control what to make of it and preventing it from being self-fulfilling prophecies.
I used to have this thought every day. Got on SSRI meds 9 years ago and I’ve been happy. My brain was just fucked up. Meds might not work for everyone, but if you’re suicidal like I was it can’t hurt to try. My life is pretty dope and fun now, so I hope yall hang in there! Also working out and sleeping at least 8 hours made a pretty big difference too, and I can’t believe how long it took me to take those seriously. Now I wanna live a long time:)
I’m a nurse and work with 70-90 year old patients. Some are health but most are demented and falling apart. I do wish not to reach the age where my body is falling apart and my mind is already gone.
I tried that mental exercise when I was 16. I decided to try to go ahead. I am now almost 50 years old and I do miss that 16 year old kid who was ready to cash in the chips. He was awesome and not an old stinking fart like me.
YES, this is me as well. It is not about getting through something tough. It is that everyday is just terrible, draining and would best to just end. A lot of this is not seeing any opportunity for change and knowing that this is just the way it will be.
Also, why not let the fam get all the life insurance $. I mean that is why we pay for it for most of our lives. 🤔
I hope I die before retirement age. I won’t have enough to get by. If I die before 60 my wife gets my term license insurance money. That’s probably best.
Me too. My suicide age has been 70 since I was a teenager but have recently been thinking to lower to 66 so that gives me 20yrs left and right before my life insurance ends. I have a 7 & 9 year old that I live for now.
Hell yeah, life gets rough sometimes. I have to force myself to sus out what's wrong, and work my butt off to try and change it. Rense and repeat. Example; was working on my second marriage after restarting from scratch. My kid gets old enough I can spend more time outside the house. Heard tech was good high paying jobs ect, with no help and my wife trying to sabotage me (she told me she was worried I would leave once I graduated) I got through college graduating top of class with honors (2nd person in the family at the time). Wife started kicking me out of the house every semester around finals, the family told me to just give up and move back home, I pushed through. Wife divorces me to start an OF page, and COVID hits reducing the tech field to BS gig work. Two years wasted, no wife, she took my kid. Move in to take care of a wounded vet cousin. He gets GF that has two kids and kicks me out after she spazzes on me cause she wasn't on her meds. Keeps all my stuff and I have to move back in with parents that routinely call me a failure, physically try to beat me up ect. Dad heard I was depressed so he gave me his gun (loaded) and told me to just shoot myself then. Been working though... Manual labor outside 12 hour days and still don't make enough to get my own place. First ex-wife Hates me for whatever reason (she divorced me so I don't know why) won't let me see my son that she's successfully poisoned against me, and hit me for so much child support that if I did have that money I could buy a house with it.
Now I'm sitting here typing this. So yeah, trust me I get it. Life's a bag of dildos. That hasn't stopped me, and frankly I just refuse to give up to what amounts to garbage video game cheating esque bullcrap.
Complete opposite.
I am 28 and enduring a considerable amount of health suffering at the moment. But I know it’s not for nothing. I want to solve all my health issues naturally now and live a liberated and unmedicated life in my 30s and onward. I want to continue to eat well and exercise and work on my stress management. I want to find my purpose and master my craft. I want a simple and minimalistic life. Should I be afflicted with serious illness or disease down the road, I want to fight as hard as I can to get through it.
Eventually I want to be a grandmother (and even a great grandmother) with a healthy and strong body. I want to tell my grandchildren about how life was and I want to stay up to date with all the new technological advancements. I want to live long enough to witness the future and see how far medicine will come in terms of figuring out the current diseases we don’t know much about. (I secretly also want to live long enough to learn how much we got wrong in terms of the current treatments offered today).
After all of this is achieved, I will die a centenarian, warm in my bed :)
I've had these thoughts occasionally so you're for sure not alone. At one point I no longer looked at sleep as any sort of relief because I feared how I was going to manage to get through the next day. It's pretty fucked up to not even look forward to sleep as relief because you just don't know how your going to get through what comes next.
I remember once my therapist asked if i was suicidal and i said i am indirectly. She asked whats that supposed to mean and i told her I’ve basically got a deathwish. Like chain smoking/drinking alcohol and driving recklessly. She noted it down and basically shrugged it off lol. That was my cry for help and i didnt even feel heard. Didnt go to therapy again tbh, im in a better state physically and mentally though. I still have those thoughts but they come and go
I also had a cancer scare and when i found out before the biopsy i preyed it was cancer i was happy. Then when it came back benign i was even more depressed. So yeah i understand the feeling
Me
Whenever I read news of some young person dying a quick death, I actively feel jealous of them (yes, I know I should empathise but i really do feel jealous of them for escaping the Matrix).
Every night,,,my sis was 62 in good shape was found dead on the floor in her room,, I’m so mad she went before me,, I was to go first😭😭😭💔. Only death Separated us all our live we were best friends only 14 months apart,,married had our kids same time,,Life was good,,I hate I’m still here. Absolutely hate it,,on hospice n going to do assisted aid in dying,, it’s legal in California but I got legal stuff I need to do about my Will my home lots of stuff I wasn’t ready for
It's mixed. I don't want to hang around too long and in a way I've been ready to check out for years. On the other hand I have a baby son and I'd quite like to see him into adulthood if possible.
I wish I dont wake up either. My mental health is really bad right now and I had to rehome my dog of 5 years because of it. So every morning waking up makes me cry. I hate my fucking life. I miss my dog so much it feels like someone ripped out my heart
No, not at all. I love living, so much so that I'd do anything in order to become immortal, and I know full well what it entails. My biggest desire is to exist forever.
I hope there is some form of afterlife.
The only thing keeping me sane right now is that i can buy a gun at any time and drive somewhere remote and shoot myself. Til then I will see what happens
Had the thought before i had kids not going lie...wasnt shxt adding up for me. Jobs wasnt calling back, girls were annoying me, and every time i planned something it aint go right
There's a big chance I would end up alone in my 50+, but as long as my health is good then I can handle it. The moment my body start to break down and need another adult to help me, that's when I hope I die early
I definitely don’t want to be an old person. Especially the really old kind (90+) who doesn’t even know what’s going on and is at the mercy of the kindness of other people. Some elderly people are severely neglected and abused. I don’t look forward to that.
I never tough seriously about suicide but ive tough a lot about that. "If I died tomorrow it would be so much easier". Im not doing anything (on purpose) to contribute to dying earlier but im also not doing anything to prevent it.
If any of you have seen old age, there's nothing good about it. It's fucking grim.
And just around the corner from retirement.
By that time your body (and/or mind) is so fucked up that you can't do half the things you used to do, not even the normal things - walk, run, chew hard foods, see out of both eyes, hear, shit by choice.
Imagine living an amazing life only to have all of those memories tarnished or flat out erased by two decades of misery.
I want to go out on my last best day, just like a dog, because fuck all that.
I used to think this. That is until aa few months ago when my daughter was born. Now I want to live so that she doesn't have to suffer as much as I have.
my view is that this world is not where happiness is achieved but if i do good in this life my death will be good so i do hope for it to come early and not suffer here either
I feel you. Right now, I want to keep living until I'm ready to go. My tentative date still many years from now, though; perhaps at least a few decades. But hopefully before any debilitating diseases.
I was shocked that many ppl dont think about disappearing. Life just takes its toll via work, repetitive actions, laws of diminishing rewards, if you become more complex as a person simple things simply lose their charm. A complex person is aware of the harms that happen all the time and this bakes itself into who you are. Life just gets weird, odd and its the most simplest of adults that seem to still find joy in the simple things.
I just hope i either die at like 60 so i dont have to "live" (suffer in despair) as almost a vegetable past that or i live till like 80 if im somehow not fucked by then (impossible as my back is already hurting and im only 1/4th way there)
I've always thought that I would dive into a low level heroin run when I hit 75. Why not. I was a high level athlete as a younger and its left my body in pretty rough shape at 54. Have had 12 surgeries on joints and parts ( full knee replacement ) and could use maybe a couple more. I'm still active, play ice hockey once or twice a week and get about 15-20 days of skiing in a year. But the writing is on the wall, and when I cant I will just slip into a pain free existance and ride it out.
You could feel the opposite in 2 years - your brain needs to overcome this feeling of stagnation you have. Your life in 2 years from today could involve good fortune, money, luck, good health, love, adventure, etc.
You feel this way for a reason. I won't go on a long rant but I believe such thoughts and emotions have been systematically placed in your mind. You have to retrain your brain and get it going in the right direction.
Yes, but I know it would hurt my adult children, so I successfully still get up in the morning to go to work. It's hard to get out of bed on weekends though.
This is where I am at right this moment. There is no way I want to live when I am unable to take care of myself any longer. And with the way I have been going, I literally feel like my mind is breaking. Once it does, I certainly hope my exit comes quickly. I have felt like a burden for most of my life and if it gets to that point there is no doubt about being a burden. It would be time to go.
No. My kids have a great grammy who is 101. She is sane and clear minded. She lives in a retirement community in an apartment where she takes care of herself. She curls her hair and gets her nails done still! Seh can walk and talk and doesn't need diapers. I want this! Think of all she's seen!!!!
Think about it everyday. My life has been a battle. Finally left my abusive husband after 30 years and now am in a financial crisis, due to being off work for back surgery. Now I am going to end up losing my house and all I have left simply because my medical leave doesn’t pay enough to cover basic bills. At this point, I might as well had stayed with the abusive ass, that likely would have ended my life at some point anyways. My back situation is likely because of my years of being abused by him. He said if I left he would make me destitute, well he gets his wish I guess. I just want this shit stain of a life to go away.
I don't plan to make it past my forties, if that. No matter how I've changed as a person, no matter how happy I've been, I've always had the idea that I wouldn't live to see old age. Even kid me just kind of knew. I've had plans ever since childhood to move across the country alone, and at some point I'll just decide that I'm alright with leaving surrounded by the things that mattered most to me.
The thing is that I love life at times. I find ways to be silly and laugh at myself/the world around me and I wish for genuine connections with people, but terror eventually creeps in and overrides it all.
No, I still have food and water and a roof and I'm still fighting, and that's all the happiness I need. Most people on Earth don't have the great opportunities that I have, I keep that in mind as I go on.
Since I was a little kid, I fantasized about dying whenever life seemed to difficult. I would calm myself by reminding myself that I can just die if it gets too bad. I learned later that this was one of the many fucked up symptoms of my mental illness. If you haven't yet, you may want to consider seeing a therapist.
>fucked up symptom I don't think it's that messed up to think about. When life stresses you out, the reminder that death is always an option tends to be a relief and can make the situation feel a bit better. And ya death is a "bad" thing to think about but also nobody truly knows what it is as no one has experienced death and lived to talk about it. So how can anyone truly say that death is never an option? Of course, losing the ability to choose is the last thing you want to choose, but, until then, having a sense of freedom will help. Also don't blame yourself/mental illness before considering if the problem is actually the environment you're in. The solution is either change yourself or change the environment.
Damn is that symptomatic of a specific diagnosis? Or did your therapist/med professional categorize it more as a personal manifestation or trauma response?
Yeah it was a trauma response but I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Which I guess is entirely a trauma response.
Yeah, I could have worded the question better sorry. Best of luck in your therapy journey snd nice job offering your viewpoint to others- Insights like yours can really help people struggling with similar issues who haven’t gotten to take those strips just yet but could use the assurance that there is understanding and relief out there
Yeah I used to do this and then the bad day would come. I'd go to the terrace and stare down. Then I'd wait and dread that inevitable moment. The moment I'd be subjected to everyone's judgement, I always felt like it was the end of the world for me. I'd be disowned and sent to the streets. I'd tell myself It's just one jump and it'll all be over.
I'm glad you mentioned that those fantasies are a *symptom*, rather than a mental illness in itself.
If it was as easy as a light switch I had done it many times over. Let's see who's gonna do the dishes...
Therapy isn't free my dude. I can't imagine OP is swimming in cash right now.
I love how we have commodified having someone to talk to, which is 85% of therapy lmao.
Do therapist actually help people? I am a pretty introspective person myself, always analyzing my actions and i can't imagine a stranger giving me any useful reasons i don't already know. Or telling me something i haven't told myself 1000 times already. Therapy just seems like a waste of time
therapists can't change the material hardships that will inevitably lead to an old age without dignity. its a societal problem.
I was following your comment along, relating to it pretty hard, and then I got halfway and agree as much as it makes me sad
I’m not depressed but I do feel quite nihilistic about the world, so dying doesn’t really trigger any fear or anything. I’d rather die than suffer.
Optimistic nihilism- recommended watch https://youtu.be/MBRqu0YOH14
Yes me. Occupying a body and mind that your disappointed with everyday, that injects you with emotions and feelings you don't want, that prevents you from having your needs fulfilled, is unironically a hell. If we ever get to a point where we can transplant our brains to a machine I would sign up ASAP.
Seeing old age problems just scares me to no end. It's never been the death that scares me, it's the pain before it. So if I go early, please make sure it's quick and less painful. I can't stand living and suffering at the same time.
Yeah, I do. I hope I die young.
Make a plan for if it doesn't happen. I had similar hopes and the roof hasn't caved in, no random trees have fallen on me, and unfortunately no lightning strikes have hit me. It gets better... or at least you'll get better at balancing the good against the bad. Journaling might help.
I watched my mother deteriorate and die for most of my young life. Strong, awesome woman who died 80 pounds and the autopsy showed she didn’t even have a pancreas when she died, diabetes took it all away. I am close to having my children set up so they will get some money from me when I die and also I have some set aside for my ex-wife for child support if I should go before they are all 18. I would like to get my kids to adulthood, and I really really would like to walk my daughter down the aisle. Past that, I do not want my children to have to care for me or watch me fade away. This is definition of toxic masculinity, but it’s who I am and I know this. My dream is to happen across a burning building where people are inside and I can die getting them out. It’s the only shot I have of getting into heaven! My point is, I don’t want my children to remember me sick and feeble. I wanna burn out, not fade away.
>My dream is to happen across a burning building where people are inside and I can die getting them out. It’s the only shot I have of getting into heaven! Live like a failure, die like a hero, is what I'm saying.
Me
Same, just I can’t go before my parents. They would be very sad
Same thing man.
Yes, I do. I'm already old enough (21).
Me
Sometimes yes. When I am very depressed and life is so hard, I feel like if my suffering were to end through a sudden accident that would be OK. The thing is I love the world. I love so many things about it. I want to do so much and see all of it. But I am trapped in a situation where I do not know if I will ever be free to pursue my dreams and goals or be in charge of my own life. I feel so imprisoned and hopeless, watching other people enjoy this world through the bars of a cage. It would be easier if I didn't have any dreams or desires.
Take comfort in the fact that it's all impermanent. In a few decades, it doesn't matter who enjoyed life and who didn't, we'd all be dead and no one will remember any of us.
There were moments when I was actually going through illness, or recovering from a paralyzing stroke. But the entire time I was working my ass off to recover fully, it's human nature to want to throw on the towel, but what I found kicks in is survivor mode kicks that pity modes ass. A few years ago I was half paralyzed unable to walk, put on my own shoe, my entire left side of my body was worthless, today I'm more healthier than ever, more fit, eating healthy, daily working out. In a wierd way Im kinda glad I went through what I went through, It could have been worse if I didn't go through this and begin taking care of myself.
It's too late for me to die young, but I have to outlive my parents, as much as I dislike living I don't want them to have to deal with my death.
I want to die soon because I don't want to face my remaining parent's death. One was hard enough and has left me dead inside, I won't be able to handle another.
👍
I want to die before any ailments majorly fuck me up. And if it weren’t for animals, I’d want to die.
Hello 👋
I definitely feel like dying early naturally is the cop out I'll hopefully get to have to avoid committing suicide, but I also hope I die going so that i don't have experience the slow decay of my mind and body. So much Alzheimer's on both sides, I'm certainly doomed to live out my final years as an empty husk if I live to grow old.
I and my wife were in an unhappy marriage. I didn't hate her, we were just really unhappy. I was so unhappy I was disappointed every morning when I realized I was still alive. I can't promise this will happen to you, but my wife and I are really happy now. I still get a bout of depression once in a while, but I don't stay that way and actually am glad to wake up and miss my wife on days that she is not here. I am sorry I don't have any great advice. For me it was realizing that I was causing my own problems, and blaming them on others. Your problem may not be anything like mine. Still, I am happy now, and there is a chance things could change and you will be happy. There might be a light at the end of the tunnel, and you might get there. I wish I could promise more.
Clearly not me, I don't have an incredible life but frankly I make the most of it as best I can, I have the opposite problem. Life is so cool, I don't want it to end at all, the fact that it could stop even scares me.
Happy for you dude, glad you're one of the fortunate ones to feel such a way about life.
I suffer with bpd, and honestly, sometimes I do. It's a shame because I would love to live life to the fullest, but I'm sometimes in excruciating emotional pains.
Bipolar 1 here myself so I feel ya hard on this. My last mania really fucked up my marriage then I went into a deep depression filled with emotional pain that manifested as physical pain and also the worst chronic fatigue i've ever experienced, lost my job a 4th stint in the psyche ward. It was one of the most grueling times in my life and lasted for well over a year straight. There's even more deeper fucked up shit I went through spiritually and existentially, I just wanted to no longer exist. However, for the last \~9 months I have been the most stable that I have been for a long long time and in addition no poisonous medications. It's hard but keep a semblance of hope, speak with your very soul through meditation and tell them what you need and want in your life, with enough hope and faith you'll get through it. Much love!
I hate being here so bad, I feel so out of place in the world, I struggle connect with anyone and anything. And I've tried to actually live, i try daily but it sucks so much I just don't want to be part of it anymore. Big sigh fr
Hear you, many don't understand. Over it, first step I'm taking is cutting off everyone that is of no good to me. Next is moving somewhere else that interest me and just keep to myself.
If I'm in the business of hoping, I'd rather just hope I love long without suffering.
Dying young doesn’t guarantee a lack of suffering. Dying quick does.
Yes I do
I am sorry you feel that way. I first realized when speaking to a friend a few yrs back.... but yeah i genuinely didnt and dont expect to live a long life and genuinely fear the progression of age and the inevitability of becoming elderly. I cannot say i am unhappy. I have loved ones i care for but yeah .......
I hope I die in the morning so I don’t spend an extra day at work for nothing.
Just waiting for this shit to hurry the fuck up and get on with it
Life is what you make it. Last dec i turn 66. I spent my life following what Society says I should do and how I should live. If you're doing the same stop it. Live the life you wish to lead if that is what will make you happy you will not achieve full happiness but most of your life will be full.
Yup! I could go today. 🤣 I wish I’d just have a quick brain aneurysm and go.
live fast die young leave a good looking corpse
Yeah that was the case just yesterday I just said to myself I would love to die tomorrow, meaning today. Not such a bad day after all
Yes every day I hope is my last.
Only the young want to die early.
honest question: how long since you came to this realization?
Same same
I for one hope to die on the battlefield. Yes i know the heroic death is mostly a myth, but i just want to die with a purpose and not just languish and croack on a hospital bed
Yep. I’d rather die, than be feeble, confused, alone , a hindrance and someone’s problem.
I don't want to see myself unmarried with no kids. So yeah I hope I don't go through that and die instead
I feel like that sometimes. Stay strong!
This is what I've always wished. I don't mind growing old but suffering for that long is not something I want to experience. I often fantasize saving someone in an accident at the cost of my own life. That way at least my death would have some value.
Me. I'll die alone, and won't even be missed, so it's just a matter of time now.
100%
i crave the feeling of nonexistence and unconsciousness, but i am also terrified of the dying process
???
I just don't wanna get to a point where I am alone in the world and can't do much for myself. At that point, it's way past time to hang up the hat
Nah, hang in there. I'm 41 and I feel like time is just flying by these days. Stay alive for a bit longer because pretty soon we'll all be dead.
Everyday a few times but it is not that I want to die early, I want the end of the world
No. I live in canada. Pretty low levels of suffering going on here, except maybe in January.
But I would like to kick it before I can no longer wipe my own ass.
Nope, I wanna live and experience so much more.
It’s called late capitalism.
Mid 30's here. I find purpose by investing in my body. Increasing strength, balance, reaction speed, day by day, until I'm an unstoppable mountain man. It's an absolute blast and I hope to continue conquering challenges and living as long as I can! Find pride in your strength and you may be able to enjoy life as well.
People live too long, I refuse to be a burden on society. If I don't die already at 60, I'll walk off into the mountains and do it myself.
Thousand times a day... And I'm going to do what must be done.
Some days definitely, some days completely the opposite
Hope?
Every day
If it weren’t for my kid? Yes
Oh yes i sometimes say out loud I can’t wait to be dead, though it has been a long time since I said that but for about a good five years it were regularly a thing, just like a sigh or a fuck me. And I generally think it’s because of my many worries or at least in my case, be it money finding a partner family issues, or career, If you are dead then you can’t worry about them you be at peace or you know dead. And when you stop saying it then you realise maybe life have gotten a little better, I still worry about money, and finding a partner, a better job, and family but along the way I did lose 70-80 pounds, I have gotten a job that doesn’t pay good but it’s a good workplace, gotten a new and better apartment. Even though you do suffer try to set it up so you suffer less🙂
I feel this. I have no fear of death, but I do fear a long, slow, painful decline that ultimately results in my death. I'm watching my uncle go through that now and it's rough.
People who feel like this: if your life was suddenly indescribably happy would you suddenly have a fear of dying??
Every day
No i want to live as long as possible and never suffer.
No not really. Even if I am suffering I'm always curious to see how bad or better it can get. Curiosity about anything is enough to keep going. I want to see if WW3 will actually kick off, if aliens will visit, what kind of people my kids will turn into, etc. Curiosity is enough motivation to want to stick around d even if you are suffering.
Yes
Any time I feel a quick sharp pain inside I think I am slowly dying
Yes please, hopefully my heart stops soon and there won’t be any fool trying to resuscitate
Yea sometimes. It’s the craziest thing I have to knock on wood after I say… I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer 2 years ago, and I was DEVASTATED… I did not want to die.. I was so shocked and upset and couldn’t face it. And then I got to remission and felt relief… but a few months after, a different feeling crept in… I started thinking about all the things I’d have to deal with and face, that I’d been relieved I wouldn’t have to face if I was going to die. It was so strange and complicated. I’m grateful to be alive and I don’t want to die.. but I weirdly felt anxious when I realized I might actually survive this. I didn’t expect I would survive it when I was first diagnosed.. I was almost certain I wouldn’t, it was just a matter of when. And-I’m only two years out so I really don’t know if I will. But it feels more of a possibility now, and it’s so weird facing that. It’s a mix of gratitude and apprehension.
No
I try not to have death preferences, seems like a waste of energy and time.
Suffering is the best part?
People here need to go touch grass
i live life to the fullest but honestly i often think about dying. i've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for almost a decade, i've been ok for 2 years now, but the idea of death seems alleviating sometimes. i won't do it cuz of the people that care about me, but if it happens, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Same but for all of ya. Make me suffer less and reduce traffic
I’ve felt like this my whole life since a kid. It never went away and still hasn’t. There were periods where I thought about it less, but it was never not there.
I used to hope this a lot I still do every now and then living is hard and I could die to a Snapchating teen any day but now I live to just spite my old self who really wanted to die
Yeah pretty much every day
I pray every night before I go to sleep for the strength to take my own life I'm not even religious I just hope someone hears me
Bro I wanna die soooo bad. Not because my life is shit or anything, got stable income a loving family a healthy group of friends. Ive just been incredibly interested in dying for years now, just what is next and how does it feel
Me. Every fucking day. Sometimes I wish I would get something terminal and fast.
No
What if it turns out better than you imagined?
Couldn't Imagine being this miserable, so absolutely fucking not
I felt that way for a long time. when I was young.
No I hope I get better 🗿
No, get some professional help as ruminating in these thoughts is not productive and won’t fix any of your problems. You might not be able to control whatever negative stuff is conjured from your mind, but you can control what to make of it and preventing it from being self-fulfilling prophecies.
I used to have this thought every day. Got on SSRI meds 9 years ago and I’ve been happy. My brain was just fucked up. Meds might not work for everyone, but if you’re suicidal like I was it can’t hurt to try. My life is pretty dope and fun now, so I hope yall hang in there! Also working out and sleeping at least 8 hours made a pretty big difference too, and I can’t believe how long it took me to take those seriously. Now I wanna live a long time:)
i used to. used to tell myself if i didnt die by 30 i would just end it myself. then my life got better. now im glad i didnt follow thru.
Not really, I just wanna see shit through
Not as much as I used to but there are still days...
I’m a nurse and work with 70-90 year old patients. Some are health but most are demented and falling apart. I do wish not to reach the age where my body is falling apart and my mind is already gone.
Yea. And everytime I feel old- I get reminded I have over 20 years until I could even retire.
No . Never
I tried that mental exercise when I was 16. I decided to try to go ahead. I am now almost 50 years old and I do miss that 16 year old kid who was ready to cash in the chips. He was awesome and not an old stinking fart like me.
YES, this is me as well. It is not about getting through something tough. It is that everyday is just terrible, draining and would best to just end. A lot of this is not seeing any opportunity for change and knowing that this is just the way it will be. Also, why not let the fam get all the life insurance $. I mean that is why we pay for it for most of our lives. 🤔
Don't wish any moment of your life away. Odds of being born at all are astronomically low. Enjoy the winning lottery ticket you won and deserve.
I hope I die before retirement age. I won’t have enough to get by. If I die before 60 my wife gets my term license insurance money. That’s probably best.
Me too. My suicide age has been 70 since I was a teenager but have recently been thinking to lower to 66 so that gives me 20yrs left and right before my life insurance ends. I have a 7 & 9 year old that I live for now.
Sort of…but not really…but also, sort of.🥹
Nah.... beautiful things await
Hell yeah, life gets rough sometimes. I have to force myself to sus out what's wrong, and work my butt off to try and change it. Rense and repeat. Example; was working on my second marriage after restarting from scratch. My kid gets old enough I can spend more time outside the house. Heard tech was good high paying jobs ect, with no help and my wife trying to sabotage me (she told me she was worried I would leave once I graduated) I got through college graduating top of class with honors (2nd person in the family at the time). Wife started kicking me out of the house every semester around finals, the family told me to just give up and move back home, I pushed through. Wife divorces me to start an OF page, and COVID hits reducing the tech field to BS gig work. Two years wasted, no wife, she took my kid. Move in to take care of a wounded vet cousin. He gets GF that has two kids and kicks me out after she spazzes on me cause she wasn't on her meds. Keeps all my stuff and I have to move back in with parents that routinely call me a failure, physically try to beat me up ect. Dad heard I was depressed so he gave me his gun (loaded) and told me to just shoot myself then. Been working though... Manual labor outside 12 hour days and still don't make enough to get my own place. First ex-wife Hates me for whatever reason (she divorced me so I don't know why) won't let me see my son that she's successfully poisoned against me, and hit me for so much child support that if I did have that money I could buy a house with it. Now I'm sitting here typing this. So yeah, trust me I get it. Life's a bag of dildos. That hasn't stopped me, and frankly I just refuse to give up to what amounts to garbage video game cheating esque bullcrap.
I always think about the fact that I’m working 40+ hours a week and saving money for a pension I may never get to actually enjoy and spend.
Complete opposite. I am 28 and enduring a considerable amount of health suffering at the moment. But I know it’s not for nothing. I want to solve all my health issues naturally now and live a liberated and unmedicated life in my 30s and onward. I want to continue to eat well and exercise and work on my stress management. I want to find my purpose and master my craft. I want a simple and minimalistic life. Should I be afflicted with serious illness or disease down the road, I want to fight as hard as I can to get through it. Eventually I want to be a grandmother (and even a great grandmother) with a healthy and strong body. I want to tell my grandchildren about how life was and I want to stay up to date with all the new technological advancements. I want to live long enough to witness the future and see how far medicine will come in terms of figuring out the current diseases we don’t know much about. (I secretly also want to live long enough to learn how much we got wrong in terms of the current treatments offered today). After all of this is achieved, I will die a centenarian, warm in my bed :)
Lol just wait a bit, we'll fix aging in the next 30 years
I've had these thoughts occasionally so you're for sure not alone. At one point I no longer looked at sleep as any sort of relief because I feared how I was going to manage to get through the next day. It's pretty fucked up to not even look forward to sleep as relief because you just don't know how your going to get through what comes next.
Sooner rather than later
I remember once my therapist asked if i was suicidal and i said i am indirectly. She asked whats that supposed to mean and i told her I’ve basically got a deathwish. Like chain smoking/drinking alcohol and driving recklessly. She noted it down and basically shrugged it off lol. That was my cry for help and i didnt even feel heard. Didnt go to therapy again tbh, im in a better state physically and mentally though. I still have those thoughts but they come and go I also had a cancer scare and when i found out before the biopsy i preyed it was cancer i was happy. Then when it came back benign i was even more depressed. So yeah i understand the feeling
Me Whenever I read news of some young person dying a quick death, I actively feel jealous of them (yes, I know I should empathise but i really do feel jealous of them for escaping the Matrix).
Every night,,,my sis was 62 in good shape was found dead on the floor in her room,, I’m so mad she went before me,, I was to go first😭😭😭💔. Only death Separated us all our live we were best friends only 14 months apart,,married had our kids same time,,Life was good,,I hate I’m still here. Absolutely hate it,,on hospice n going to do assisted aid in dying,, it’s legal in California but I got legal stuff I need to do about my Will my home lots of stuff I wasn’t ready for
It's mixed. I don't want to hang around too long and in a way I've been ready to check out for years. On the other hand I have a baby son and I'd quite like to see him into adulthood if possible.
It’s whatever? I’m here for a good time, Not a long time.
I wish I dont wake up either. My mental health is really bad right now and I had to rehome my dog of 5 years because of it. So every morning waking up makes me cry. I hate my fucking life. I miss my dog so much it feels like someone ripped out my heart
I feel that everyday. I hate my life everyday and waking up I'm filled with anxiety and dredd as I make my way to work.
Because of my medical issues, I have moments like that, but it's more of a vent that an actual hope.
Yeah same here
No. I am lucky to have a daughter. Happy to suffer later for more years seeing her grow!
No, not at all. I love living, so much so that I'd do anything in order to become immortal, and I know full well what it entails. My biggest desire is to exist forever. I hope there is some form of afterlife.
Hey dude. Go to therapy. You only get one life. Find happiness everywhere you can.
The only thing keeping me sane right now is that i can buy a gun at any time and drive somewhere remote and shoot myself. Til then I will see what happens
Had the thought before i had kids not going lie...wasnt shxt adding up for me. Jobs wasnt calling back, girls were annoying me, and every time i planned something it aint go right
There's a big chance I would end up alone in my 50+, but as long as my health is good then I can handle it. The moment my body start to break down and need another adult to help me, that's when I hope I die early
No. Go outside.
Here
Yeah I'm 60 and wanna pass on. Iv had the best life but now my body is knackered and hanging on is pointless.
Speak to someone, this isn’t the right outlook on life
I relate, I wish there was a painless way to end my life for good. I'm not good at anything, just a failure in my mid 20s.
I definitely don’t want to be an old person. Especially the really old kind (90+) who doesn’t even know what’s going on and is at the mercy of the kindness of other people. Some elderly people are severely neglected and abused. I don’t look forward to that.
I never tough seriously about suicide but ive tough a lot about that. "If I died tomorrow it would be so much easier". Im not doing anything (on purpose) to contribute to dying earlier but im also not doing anything to prevent it.
If any of you have seen old age, there's nothing good about it. It's fucking grim. And just around the corner from retirement. By that time your body (and/or mind) is so fucked up that you can't do half the things you used to do, not even the normal things - walk, run, chew hard foods, see out of both eyes, hear, shit by choice. Imagine living an amazing life only to have all of those memories tarnished or flat out erased by two decades of misery. I want to go out on my last best day, just like a dog, because fuck all that.
75 you could catch me skydiving without a chute haha
My retirement plan is 'dying of cancer' my backup retirement plan is 'ebony warrior'
You betcha! Can't though. Be too sad for close people.
I used to think this. That is until aa few months ago when my daughter was born. Now I want to live so that she doesn't have to suffer as much as I have.
Every single day
Autistic Person here. Eeyup. Feel like a sick animal that's being forced to live and just needed to be put down years ago.
my view is that this world is not where happiness is achieved but if i do good in this life my death will be good so i do hope for it to come early and not suffer here either
I feel you. Right now, I want to keep living until I'm ready to go. My tentative date still many years from now, though; perhaps at least a few decades. But hopefully before any debilitating diseases.
I dream about peace from my mind every day....
I used too but I'm not really sure know
I was shocked that many ppl dont think about disappearing. Life just takes its toll via work, repetitive actions, laws of diminishing rewards, if you become more complex as a person simple things simply lose their charm. A complex person is aware of the harms that happen all the time and this bakes itself into who you are. Life just gets weird, odd and its the most simplest of adults that seem to still find joy in the simple things.
I am not "actively" hoping to die, but I don't mind going to sleep and never waking up.
I just hope i either die at like 60 so i dont have to "live" (suffer in despair) as almost a vegetable past that or i live till like 80 if im somehow not fucked by then (impossible as my back is already hurting and im only 1/4th way there)
we all do
Nah. I'm going down with the ship. I ain't giving life the satisfaction.
Get old so you can reach retirement age and not have to work.
I hope you can get the help that you need.
I've always thought that I would dive into a low level heroin run when I hit 75. Why not. I was a high level athlete as a younger and its left my body in pretty rough shape at 54. Have had 12 surgeries on joints and parts ( full knee replacement ) and could use maybe a couple more. I'm still active, play ice hockey once or twice a week and get about 15-20 days of skiing in a year. But the writing is on the wall, and when I cant I will just slip into a pain free existance and ride it out.
You could feel the opposite in 2 years - your brain needs to overcome this feeling of stagnation you have. Your life in 2 years from today could involve good fortune, money, luck, good health, love, adventure, etc.
Yesss
Yup
Ye, sort of.
Oh ffs. Deal with your problems, if you don’t like where you are in life then make changes.
You feel this way for a reason. I won't go on a long rant but I believe such thoughts and emotions have been systematically placed in your mind. You have to retrain your brain and get it going in the right direction.
Yes, but I know it would hurt my adult children, so I successfully still get up in the morning to go to work. It's hard to get out of bed on weekends though.
This is where I am at right this moment. There is no way I want to live when I am unable to take care of myself any longer. And with the way I have been going, I literally feel like my mind is breaking. Once it does, I certainly hope my exit comes quickly. I have felt like a burden for most of my life and if it gets to that point there is no doubt about being a burden. It would be time to go.
No. My kids have a great grammy who is 101. She is sane and clear minded. She lives in a retirement community in an apartment where she takes care of herself. She curls her hair and gets her nails done still! Seh can walk and talk and doesn't need diapers. I want this! Think of all she's seen!!!!
I think I'm in the wrong sub because no.
Relatable.
Find a bridge. Not quite as easy as writing self pitying posts on Reddit though?
Yep. Pretty much this especially now.
I mean... yeah if life is so hopeless. But I much MUCH more rather that my life just doesn't suck and I can actually enjoy it.
No I look forward to a loooong suffering! Nobody likes to suffer, they want to live long and healthy life and die quickly in their sleep.
Think about it everyday. My life has been a battle. Finally left my abusive husband after 30 years and now am in a financial crisis, due to being off work for back surgery. Now I am going to end up losing my house and all I have left simply because my medical leave doesn’t pay enough to cover basic bills. At this point, I might as well had stayed with the abusive ass, that likely would have ended my life at some point anyways. My back situation is likely because of my years of being abused by him. He said if I left he would make me destitute, well he gets his wish I guess. I just want this shit stain of a life to go away.
I don't plan to make it past my forties, if that. No matter how I've changed as a person, no matter how happy I've been, I've always had the idea that I wouldn't live to see old age. Even kid me just kind of knew. I've had plans ever since childhood to move across the country alone, and at some point I'll just decide that I'm alright with leaving surrounded by the things that mattered most to me. The thing is that I love life at times. I find ways to be silly and laugh at myself/the world around me and I wish for genuine connections with people, but terror eventually creeps in and overrides it all.
Rage against the dying of the light, y’all.
60 and things are so bad I wish I'd died 10 years ago. Like yourself OP, I fall asleep hoping I'll never wake up.
I find what little joy I have in this life to be just enough, just worth it, to keep on living...
No, I still have food and water and a roof and I'm still fighting, and that's all the happiness I need. Most people on Earth don't have the great opportunities that I have, I keep that in mind as I go on.