I really can't believe how many adult men are out here not washing their ass. Don't get me wrong I'll get depressed and fall into a slump for a few days where I'm not keeping up with myself the way I need to be. But there never goes a day where my ass isn't clean and my face isn't washed.
Idk man apparently there’s something appealing to an unwashed ass since those gentlemen seem to not only pull women but marry them as well. I think I’ll just stop scrubbing and see what happens. Will check back in a month 🫡
I saw something once that said “the love I desire exists because I am full of it.” It’s really hard to believe it all the time, especially after being hurt. But when I remember it I feel better for a little while.
That's a beautiful quote, because it not only gives hope, but also gives us initiative to keep it alive. Sometimes hearing about all the cheating might feel hopeless and out of our control, but as long as we are willing to love it will exist.
Those situations happen no matter the gender. Selfish and manipulative people don't conform to certain gender or shape, which is why we can't spot them easily.
I hope when the current emotions cool down, you (OP) are left with an experience that will let you grow. Be fine with making friends, testing the water, learning about people before trusting them. Radiate the love, but be cautious. Be able to give way more than you will receive.
Work on building a relationship with women, surely plenty of them will find you attractive for who you actually are. Find happiness in just being with people, and be strong. Looking for instant gratification will most likely lead to more pain.
I think “dating” is nothing that one should chase. “Dating” today is a factory style game where you meet person after person or you are being kept in suspense and just seek the prior experience. Try to meet people instead. Go and take up a hobby that involves other people. There you might find someone to go out on a date with. Also, just know that you are far from alone. The loneliness epidemic is real.
>I think “dating” is nothing that one should chase. “Dating” today is a factory style game where you meet person after person or you are being kept in suspense and just seek the prior experience.
Yeah, it's really become a "quantity over quality" thing. Not that the people aren't quality, but the time you spend is very shallow.
I've been turned off from dating apps for this very reason. I think humans naturally value a few deep Quality connections more than hundreds of shallow Quantity connections, but dating apps make us look for shallow connections.
I haven't dated at all in my life yet, but I'm really struggling with dating apps, and I think they aren't for me. I'm trying to find people by doing what you suggested, picking up different hobbies.
It's worked for people before dating apps existed, and if you limit your scope to a few deep groups, you'll probably feel less FOMO too.
Dating apps have also artificially inflated egos all around, you can get more matches by basically paying for them. Even though an untold number of the responses are bots or scammers.
Dating apps are literally designed to be unhelpful. People think that they can go on a dating app and meet new people and all that stuff but dating apps actually lose money the better they are, so really the "best" dating apps out there are actually some of the worst because they were designed to earn money, not lose it.
I quit dating after an ex cheated and got knocked up. I started living and I don’t mean recklessly. I went and did things solo, hike, bike, fish, to a restaurant, etc. things I never wanted to do solo. And it was amazing. I lived like this for 6+years. Not looking to date, and came to terms that I was okay like that. I surrounded myself with good people. And bam, my wife came into my life and we hit it off. We talked on our first date like we knew each other years. That was 7 years ago. We’re married and have a son now. I regret nothing.
Volunteering is an option, but it depends on what you're looking for. If you want the feeling of helping someone in need that's nkt hard to find. But if you're looking to mery people your age it can be a challenge. In my area most of the volunteer organizations consist of people in the gen x/boomer generation. I attended a cleanup event on Earth day (last month) and there were no people under the age of 40.
I will add that volunteering doesn't necessarily have to mean helping the poor and downtrodden. (Not that those are bad things.) But there's lots of volunteering that goes on for community events.
I have recently volunteered at a wine festival and a Shakespeare festival.
The wine festival basically involved me handing out glasses to people who were entering the festival. It was fun working with the other volunteers and interacting with the crowds who were all in a happy mood on a beautiful sunny day. The amount of work involved was fairly minimal. It also gave me free access to the wine tasting festival which cost the paying participants $75. (And that's not something I even knew when I volunteered.)
I have also volunteered at a Shakespeare festival where I was sort of serving as dining staff for people having dinner (i.e. glorified busboy). It was fun interacting with those people, too. My compensation at the Shakespeare festival was getting in for free and seeing the play (and getting food at a discount).
Exactly. Do something that puts you in the vicinity of other people that you do not know. The problem is of course the intention of doing exactly that. Your changes of finding someone will decrease the more desperate you become. However, there is no need (and no way) to completely eliminate the desire to meet someone. It is a bit like walking on a tightrope.
Another tip is reading and going to bookshops and libraries. People love talking about their reading habits, and I have talked to many people in bookshops. I have seen people in philosophy sections checking out authors and I commented on their choice of author in a positive or quirky way. All of them have told me about their reading habits and I have talked with people for hours by just going to a bookshop. It’s also a relaxed atmosphere. I have had a few possible flirts in them as well. But that is of course just similar to going to the place of your hobbies.
Agree 100% and by Jove I hope OP realizes this some day.
Dating is seriously one of the worse ways to find a partner in life. It's more so for one-night stands, where it's okay to just know each other's superficial identity (which is usually faked anyway during the date), because the goal is sex, not a relationship.
As you mentioned, we should opt to connect with people, find those we feel at ease, where we can be "us". No assumptions, no quotas, no walking on eggshells. And when we form a connection with someone, it's because we "click" with each other. And that click is what creates the "spark", the real one. And when you fan the flames, well that's actual passion and even perhaps love is "born".
Dude dont give up. I had several situationships where the guys just used me while I was a hopeless romantic. Now Im married to an awesome men who treats me like a princess and I could not be happier.
How old are you? I'm nearly 42 and older women are so much worse to be around due to the insane amount of drama and complications they bring. From children (often multiple and often dome with special needs), to exes, to pets, to finances.... older women are differently as bad as younger women!
Honestly I don't think dating has gotten more competitive, the whole thing has just gotten more toxic. From the way people meet to the ability to actually get close with another person, it's all gone to shit.
It's both. Its a lot more social easier to be social than ever. But its exponential, aka guys have more options but women will always have wayyyy more options.
An example I give the people in their 50s is. Dating used to be only the people in your area, so like 5-10 miles. Now it is 100 miles each direction, and not to woman hate the illusion of choice makes it where they think there is something better around the corner.
Example of this in a retail store would be when a store puts 10 brands of shirts on a rack and the amount of choices makes you pick non, and when there are three different shirts on a rack it is easier to choose which one is better.
It’s not men or woman’s fault on this it would be the rise of social media.
A lass I work with, early 20's, attractive, recently started using Tinder. She's had over 2k likes in a week. I told her I downloaded it one night in a depressive moment, and got matches in over two months. Well, 1, but she unmatched the moment I said something. Absolutely baffled her. She doesn't understand it and says I should have some. At least she's open minded about how different it is for men and women on dating apps.
Why would you let some AH ruin what brings you joy. If the only fire you can get under your a$$ is “living a good life is the best revenge “. Go out and be happy to spite that petty b!
I don’t know if that helps, but as advice from someone who has been genuinely screwed out of a lot in life, why not give it a try?
Bro, if you give up on yourself, stop taking care of yourself, beat yourself up and blame yourself, then she wins. Don't lose hope and keep looking, the one is out there
yeah I didn’t even get cheated on or anything but my relationship ended like 6 months ago. Don’t think I could stomach dating apps again. None of the single women I know casually or any of their friends seem to have ever had any interest in me whatsoever.
I’m in my early 30s, good job, tall, not hideous or anything, not bald, relatively fit, settled down and physically/mentally relatively healthy.
Would have thought I’d be a least a reasonable prospect for women in their 30s or late 20s? but it feels like I’m not even close to meeting the minimum standard to participate in dating. Crazy to think that it’s entirely possible that I will probably never be in another relationship
Same boat brother, 31, fit 6,3 ft, working out three days a week, have good career, just got promoted, but meeting anyone new feels impossible, and tinder etc are made for women ego boost...that shit is crazy, and I let a very good girl go because I still wasnt ready after the last one...fuuuck.
Same. Mid 30s and ready to settle but it doesn’t even seem like I’m a good prospect (or at least that’s how I feel when I put myself out there) even though you hear people want emotional availability and stability. Or maybe I just suck at dating in general and I’m not interesting enough. Then again, I’m at the point where I’m done entertaining people and just want to travel now. I’m sure others are done entertaining random strangers too so both sides are not putting in the effort.
Maybe it’s because I dated and got hitched in the 2010s but I’m the same. I love the butterflies in the belly and longing for that first kiss when you’re having a cheeky drink in the park. It’s intoxicating.
I’m just a couple years older than you, I guess I got lucky to be hitched when the whole Covid went down.
I’m sure things will go back to normal. Things will improve for you too.
And the obligatory: I think Reddit is full of horror stories. Most women aren’t on here, most women aren’t on tinder and most women aren’t toxic. Don’t jump headfirst into a relationship when you date, try to really assess who you’re with and express your requirements and boundaries.
one day at a time, young one. The internet has ruined society's perception of itself, women are all on edge from the horror stories and the not monster mildly frustrated men feel judged. I don't have the answers but the social system is upside down right now.
Honestly, I've had the best luck when NOT looking. When you're enjoying the life you created for yourself, you give off a vibe that women pick up on. I can't explain it other than a feeling of being at peace with yourself. But it's happened to me numerous times. Don't even worry about it bro, love will find you when you least expect it. Enjoy life without dating. Hang out with friends, go on vacations, do those things you always wanted to do but never got around to it. Learn guitar, join the gym, hiking, or running club, start a new hobby, etc. You'll find just by being social doing the things you love provides great opportunities to meet other like-minded women.
People don't post on reddit etc about not getting cheated on. It's like medication side effects - most people don't mention it when things went fine. Your brain is looking for patterns and finding them online, but the data is skewed.
Oddly enough, I get asked a lot by people what the key is to finding a healthy relationship. I'm always reminded of this journal article I read about it just being a numbers game. Try enough times and something will work. The process may have chnaged from the outside, but the nitty gritty remains the same.
Feel your pain, I've been single for 30 years. I was doom scrolling through instagram on another lonely Friday evening by myself after hitting the gym for 2 hours, when I saw an inspiring post that led me to what really matters:
Vanity and Materialism.
Of course this only applies if you're devoid of family and romantic connections like myself.
20+ years ago, when I was young, it seemed to me that a lot of men were very much more injured by their first heartbreak than a lot of women, however that heartbreak happened (but often due to cheating). Finding out that someone they had put on a pedestal wasn’t perfect was a huge part of the heartbreak.
However, back then, there was less encouragement to extrapolate that feeling out into an anger against all women. I’m sure that feeling was felt, but the flames weren’t fanned by thousands of men empathising with that feeling or providing their own examples. Perhaps men need to learn to work through their feelings better so they are ready to find someone else.
For centuries, due to the society’s rules regarding marriage and the shame of having a child out of wedlock, women were far more often the casualties of romance. Now that the emotional casualties are closer to equal, because we have so much more freedom, society hasn’t yet developed a way to help men heal.
I think the world we live in now is so saturated with quick hits of instant pleasure that it's seriously eroded the reward of faithfulness and long term respect. (tik tok/dating apps/insta likes etc.)
So many people are now treating other people in such a disposable manner that it's painful and it's causing so many hurt and lonely feelings (and people).
Take a break from dating then go back to it when you feel ready enough to search for someone you can give your trust to. If YOU won't cheat on someone, then there's someone out there looking for someone exactly like you.
It’s not even so much get off social media as just get off reddit. This is the worst website on the internet to ask for advice if you’re a man. Without even reading the responses I already know there will be people in this thread blaming and/or belittling you.
Find a space that’s more frequented with men and ask for your advice there. Reddit ain’t it.
This Reddit leans towards man bad woman good end of story I'd say about 85% of the time.
Put it this way Reddit sees man guilty until proven innocent, women; innocent until proven guilty
Absolutely. I’ve never had a misogynistic bone in my body but after reading the majority of women’s responses on any post about relationships, I’ve become more and more convinced that a hefty portion of women are sexist assholes that would rather see a good man lose and a bad woman win no matter the circumstances.
Have read tons and tons of good great advice here on Reddit. Offcourse you have to filter out the bullshit and use your own brain. Some subs are just (meant to be) trash.
Bad advice is everywhere: this is the internet, after all...
Just here to validate you king.
Your positive energy of developing a real relationship is working against you with maybe most girls? Hard to say. But from my experience its always more effective and more efficient to be more lax and less serious about the relationship.
Was so happy to have found a wife early on because dating is trash. But she cheated on me lol. Been dating again and its ass. Maybe it's me? Always a possibility. But im pretty cognizant.
Odds are against us.
Mate I'm like you, got cheated on, she cheated with a friend, she told everyone it was my fault, she used me etc.
And yeah cheating is rampant, but people like you and I are on the rise too.
I was about to give up too. I'm smart, tall, good looking, decent and I had a bu ch of girls that were interested but I wasn't for the same reason as you.
Untill I met my now wife. Man I never thought less about a relationship, after 6 months I asked her to marry me, I was all-in. Best thing I ever did.
Love is only taking risks, without the risks it's not love. You were delt a shit hand and went in with too many chips. It's shit, it's bad, it sucks, but you don't quit the game buddy.
You play your chips as best as you can, you gamble that true love is in the cards, you just have to find the right hand and take the risk.
I know it sounds like risky and a lot of hurt in your future. But look at it this way, you have a shot at true love, but only if you're willing to be hurt for it, if you're willing to risk and lose.
If you're not willing I promise you will be miserable too.
Most people are good people man. You go find that awesome date!
I’ve had my first love at 19yrs but I guess it wasn’t cheating since we broke up and she met someone else two weeks later, then at 22 I met a girl and we were both in love with each other but I lost her since i acted like i didn’t care about her.I later met another girl who was crazy for me but she had 2 kids & was a year older then me I was 24 idk but I ended up ghosting her. Then I went and just messed around with girls but that fun ended eventually. I thought I would never find a girl especially since Covid happened and I mostly stayed at home. Now i just turned 30 and i just got a girlfriend and tbh I think this might be the one we both are actually in love with each other.
Alot of people saying "work on yourself, stack money, etc" fuuuuuuck that. Find a woman that will love you for who you are. Not what you have. Take care of yourself for sure, your health and fitness. But don't go getting successful because you will attract a woman primarily. Because something goes wrong that woman may leave you because the stock market dove and you can't provide the lifestyle anymore. .
Find a woman who loves you for you. How? Just go out there and live. Interact and be personable. Be patient. Don't let it oooze out of your eyes though. Have some self respect, don't be so fuckin easy with every chick you like. Women don't respect that. It's a fine line between treating her like a queen and being an easy schmuck she can't respect.
I mean this with no disrespect, but have you tried meeting men? Not even homosexually. Making solid male friends could be a great way to be introduced to women that might be a good fit for you. It could also help build your self-esteem and make you believe you’re deserving of anyone you feel might be “to good” for someone like you.
I think it's a win that you clued in on what you want. With that, it's that much more likely that you'll find what you're looking for. I'm sorry to hear about your experience being cheated on. Have hope that you'll get what you're looking for in time!
I’ve only ever had one relationship and that was enough for me to never want to date again so I understand. I gave my all and he just took me for granted. But it really puts you off to the whole idea, if this is how it’s going to be? I’d rather be single tbh
Please dont use social media or the internet as a guide into how relationships are built or kept in the real. Echo chambers make it seem like the bad is everywhere, the very worst of people just shitting on each other. Its not real! Yes there are bad people but the truth is we are all just bubbles of energy bumping into each other trying to find one bubble the shares our energy. The odds of you bumping into the energy you are seeking is so much higher than you think, but non existent if you stop searching.
I felt like you 18 years ago. In an abusive relationship and being cheated on and had zero self worth. I was so close to becoming a spinster lady in the forest with cats for company. Within a year I bumped into the right person and i never looked back!
Something tells me that if you care enough to post your feelings, you care for yourself enough to know you cant give up.
Please step away from social media and find your bubble in the real.
I often feel the same way as a woman but honestly even if I see a lot of the typical cheating/ghosting posts on here I also see many others like yours, so it means there are still some good people with good intentions out there! Trust me I’ve always dreamed of finding a partner that is more traditionally romantic as well, modern dating is hell but whenever I see people like you on here I still have some hope so don’t give up :)
Even perfectly looking, rich celebrities get cheated on. Please don't let her comparison between the dude and you ruin your self worth. I for one would have loved to meet a guy like you. And also, I've never cheated and don't understand how people are able to so and live with themselves afterwards. There are women out there who are not like that and you sound like a great guy. Take some rime for yourself, process it, maybe read some books or go to therapy to deal with it and try again. You will find your happiness, I'm sure of it.
The people cheating, lying and ghosting are shitty people, I think we can all agree on that. So if you want to avoid that, don't go after shitty people, no matter how attractive they seem or how desperate you are.
You might have misjudged the last person you were with, it happens so don't beat yourself up about it. But on the other hand, if you keep ending up with shitty people, you're clearly prioritising the wrong things when it comes to finding a romantic partner
I feel like social media portrays negatives. People who are happy with their relation arent gonna be on social media. What you see online is a fraction of what reality is, just as there is someone else fearing what you do. You need to understand what cheating is born out of. You are enough with just how self-aware you are. You didnt get cheated on because you werent enough please dont believe that. Your partner views validation as a drug, some are just dumb and make stupid decisions. This all bites backs to them when they are unstable and crippling and running in and out of relations in their 30s or 40s while you settle down and live peacefully. Go out more please dont let reddit or any social media influence what love is. Dont let one woman ruin your love life. Work on yourself if you like that and value yourself. Learn geuinely where you make mistakes and hold yourself like you deserve. Go and interact with people. It takes a few interactions to turn you into an incel/femcel and just a few irl ones to make you normal. Dont look for love in everywoman, the one you will be right with will match up. Youll know its her when youll know how shallow the conversations in your previous relation felt wrt to this.
27f, I started dating recently and realized I am a hopeless romantic too. It's hard and scary when you finally meet someone you like. Putting your heart on the line is risky, but worth it when it all pays off. Don't give up, there are those "lover girls" out there that will put their heart out for you too.
I know you "disclaimered" it but I honestly think you're getting too much of your information about what "dating" is from online, where the most likely things to get posted (and upvoted) are always going to be the most dramatic.
My experience of dating was much more mundane than any of those cheating stories - it was just dull and I rarely met anyone I had a genuine "spark" with. I ended up meeting my wife via something completely unrelated to "dating apps" or "dating websites" or "the hookup scene". Try meeting people in lower pressure situations, and don't expect to meet the right person straight away, because it is going to be a bit of a numbers game in that respect.
There are LOTS of romantic single women out there who will be a good match for you -- but you need to have the good luck to meet one.
But it sounds like right now you're kind of "burnt out" on dating and relationships? So I think \*temporarily\* "giving up" is a good plan. Relax, have fun doing other things, spend time with friends or family, take trips and discover new things, go work out or go for a run. Dating and relationships can wait. You have loads of time.
I feel like there's some info missing here. Like what kind of people are you chasing OP? How do you act *in* a relationship vs how do you act trying to *obtain* one? Cause I've known more than a few people who have acted super romantic with dates until they get in an actual partnership and then it goes down hill fast.
idk I've seen a bunch of posts in various subs about men not washing their butts. That part of my post was a joke because I've seen so many posts about it.
hey --- freedom is not caring if u get cheated on - my strategy is - to be as awesome and non jealous as i can generally - and then have an " oh well ". attitude if i get cheated on - it has been working very well for me for a long time for a few reasons.
edit to say - far as i know ive never been cheated on which means what im doing works or its s coincidence or im to oblivious to know ( whivh is fine with me and fits the vibe , eg i would nevet go into a partners ph etc ) having confidence in my value , giving freedom and trusting -
I gave up on men after a bad breakup: so bad I marked the occasion with a tattoo. Spent the next two years not thinking about love, sex, or anything since I was working and taking care of family anyway. Along comes this guy who just happened to live between where I live and work. Where I've lived for 30 years, mind you. This gentleman comes in and makes a comment about coming over to see him. We banter for a week or two. Told him that this would just be a sex thing. He was fine with that. That was 20 years ago. The right one comes at the right time. It is up to us to prepare for when that happens. Redirect your focus for now, still your heart.
Have you ever heard of the phrase "you can't cheat an honest man"? I think there is some truth to that, especially in romantic relationships. You need to look at the things you overlooked or accepted in partners because you wanted something. I'm not saying there are not bad people that will cheat and treat you bad. I'm saying that it usually takes two. One is the bad person and the other is the person who has no integrity who allows themselves to be taken advantage. My advice to you is to not try to find the ideal person, but to become the person you want to be. Hold to your values, and stop compromising, and you have a chance.
First things first: there is nothing wrong with being single. I've had many years of my life where I was single, and even though it gets lonely sometimes, one of the most attractive things in a person is someone having self-sufficiency, independence, and understanding of oneself. Read: having your shit together.
So work on yourself! Get engrossed in your favourite hobbies, try some new things, maybe travel somewhere else. Become obsessed with the life you're living and make it as incredible as it can be for yourself. Not for anybody else. For YOU. Cause you deserve it :)
Pretty much every time I (29M) have found a new interest, it's been when I'm doing my thing, living my life, and someone sees that and ends up thinking "wow that guy is cool, he's authentically and unapologetically being himself". Being sociable helps - not everybody is, but everybody has an interest and there's always someone else out there who shares that!
how old are you? you'd be surprised about how much later in life before people find "the one", don't give up :) a guy who gets flowers and cute dates sounds so sweet. lots of girls would love a guy like that!
Hey man, I've been in your shoes more often than not, and I've had my share of bad ones and good ones. The only thing you can't stop is to try, but, take it easy, love doesn't come easy, and maybe you are just jumping into it and someone will take advantage of you.
You are in a good spot at least, you are not beating yourself up, you have at least some self-confidence left, and you know what you want.
Take it easy, wear your heart on a sleeve, but don't put it on a plate for every girl that smiles your way. Just take it easy, find someone that has the same values as you, she's out there, maybe it will take a month, maybe it will take 20 years like in my case.
Don't give up. And, if you think about it, it's all about the journey and the experience, you got cheated on, well, you are not the first and not the last. Maybe she wasn't for you, maybe she was a terrible human being.
Learn from this and move on. There will be others. Use all the experience so next time it does not happen again. If it makes you feel any better it's probably her loss, but that doesn't matter. Just keep going out there and keep living your life. Also, cut all contacts with her. Don't let her win this, just move on, give it some time and it will be just a memory.
Take a breath my dude. It sucks hard right now, but in a while you'll probably feel a bit different about it. Focus on your own happiness for a bit and try to stay open to other people.
You have a very long life ahead of you. I understand that you are hurt and sad right now. But it will pass. Eventually you will meet a nice woman and fall in love again. I have been married for 25 years and we don't cheat on each other. Good luck! Don't give up.
I would say take a break from it, go live a happy single life and take it as it goes. I was single for nearly 10 years before I met someone just enjoy the time in between, I know I did
I don’t mean to sound discouraging, but I had a similar situation with a girlfriend 10 years ago. I haven’t dated anyone since. She absolutely broke me - crushed my self confidence and changed the trajectory of my life. I’d give anything to talk to my 23 year old self and smack some sense into him.
I’m 33 now and have essentially given up on finding a girlfriend because I’m terrified of relationships.
Maybe I’ll change my ways - who knows. I feel for you though and I hope you can don’t go the same route I have and regain hope in finding love
It's simple. See it as an investment. How much time are you willing to invest to find out? I got quite similar views like you and yes, it hurts to get cheated on, but you cannot let that get to you too much. Either they deseeve you or they don't. There is no emotion in that evaluation, it's mathematical.
I got cheated on by my last bf more often than I probably knew of and now I’m in a healthy happy relationship in the 8th year.
People will always hurt you, what you do with that hurt is on you. Close yourself off and you won’t ever get something good.
First of all, my condolences. You are in pretty shitty situation.
What you do is called victim blaming. Cheating is assholish abusive behavior. She cheated, not you. She is an asshole, you are the victim. Blaming one particular woman for assholish behavior doesn't make you misogynist or incel or anything.
At the same time it is reasonable to think "what can I
do to avoid such situations in the future"? I think a good option is switching from dating to making friends. It's a much more reliable source of emotional support. Also if you want good long term relationships - they can usually start as friendship.
And a therapist is a good thing. You are describing that you are feeling pretty unreasonable guilt, it is a pretty shitty thing, but therapists can deal with it.
You're going through hard times, and you'll make it. Good luck.
You need friends you can actually speak to my man.
That's what they there for.
Anyway, meet people to meet people, not to date. It will be more relaxing.
My ex cheated on me by fucking him till he came in her then coming home and fucking me.
We were at a party with a mix of work friends, all younger, she got super drunk and announced it to everyone at the party, how bad I was in bed, how good he was, it was gnarly.
I dropped everything and left the country to become a bartender in another. I basically went off the rails as a result. I had no hope in love, my ego was crushed to the point I was nearly completely unable to talk to women, I withdrew from everyone around me and was angry all the time for months after.
Anyway it's been 6 years now, she's divorced after cheating on her husband and him finding out, she is 27 and legit looks 40+ and she has 2 kids she has joint custody with the father for. I am happily making friends meeting great people and once again fishing in the sea.
All that to say, good luck brother, Shits tough, real tough, it fucks your mental up hard.
I literally joined a spec ops division in the military and passed with that experience as fuel 🤣
You got this.
Dude you can't just give up, you know it, we know it, this is clearly a rant, recognize it. Sucks you got played man, that's a terrible thing to go through, and unfortunately there are plenty of bad people in the world that just focus on stroking their egos. Reflect on it, learn from it, remember what a cheating person looks like. You're eagerness for "cute love" makes you easy to take advantage of, so you can't show it to everyone. It's good to want it, but only show it to people you trust, and who have a history of good behavior. Words are fickle, you need to see behavioral evidence of commitment before you open yourself up. Keep at it, giving up is for the weak minded, and the weak minded never find happiness and satisfaction.
Yea cheating sucks, but expectations are the real enemy. There are tons of great matches for you in the world. Timing is an issue too. Rather than making an intentional “not dating” or “open to dating” conclusion, just take life one day at a time. You don’t have to label anything. Let them know that you want to take things slow and get to know them first (before spending money/moving in/being exclusive, etc). if they don’t get it (which they may expect others to) then you don’t have to waste time on them. Seriously tho, tons of girls would love a romantic guy like that. The sooner you put it out there, the sooner you’ll be judged. No one should take you for granted, so my advice would be: be a little more selfish with yourself. We’re not all trash.
Please don’t take what you read on REDDIT to be a true reflection of real life mate. We aren’t a true representation of people out there living their life, there’s a lot of angry nerds on here myself sometimes included lol. Just stay off social media for a bit if what you’re seeing is bleeding into real life decisions
I would not abandon all hope. It helped me to date outside of my comfort zone- guys of different nationalities, guys shorter than I thought I was attracted to etc. I was stuck on the same type of guy for a long time and it never worked out. Once I was really truly open to someone outside what I thought was my “ideal”, I found the real ideal.
perhaps its because there were time where you weren't firm and being romantic all the time is all as a fact to the opposite sex boring, I'm not going to apologise for telling the truth of it. its a little sad you've felt the need to prepare your statement with quite the defences, honestly there's nothing wrong with what your saying, after all they are just words, the humbling thing is going to be when who ever that was comes to realise that their new fling will only last so long, they opened to the door for someone to take advantage of them by ridiculing you. dating's fun, dating should be fun but fun cant be had all the time or it gets mundane. the way you dont let it happen again is by as you say get out there again. your allowed to defend your own boundaries and if someone doesn't like it then they dont like it, if they're going to throw a tantrum or do something else me and everyone else know you just dodged a missile
Tell me about it, the dating scene and relationship culture nowadays seems doomed. Would be amazing to find someone genuine who put as much effort into relationships as I do but it doesn’t seem to be the case haha. I want to give up too and save my effort and energy on myself, my close family members and cat lol🤣
Looking on reddit to see how most relationships are is confirmation bias. Most people will only come on here for advice or to rant if their relationships are bad so those are the stories you are more likely to hear. If your relationship is good you don't have much reason to post about it on reddit.
What happened to you is aweful and I think anyone would feel the way you do in your situation. I think its okay to feel this way and maybe you just need to sit with this feelings for a while and take sometime for your self before dating again.
Maybe take up a new hobby or something like that in the mean time?
Get off the apps, meet someone in real life. That means possible rejection to your face but it works best. The woman you want has also given up on apps. The ones on apps, either haven’t given up yet on finding the impossible or are the serial cheaters
After getting cheated on by my ex, my self confidence was diminished and I hated myself. I decided to get my closure by writing in a journal and I wrote that “I know I will never find love again, but I can still date around so that I find a good father for my kids”.
I read that journal entry recently which was from 2020. I now am absolutely in love with the man of my dreams who makes me feel like I’m on top of the world every day. I hope you look back at this thread and smile the way I got to when I read my old journal.
I used to think getting cheated on was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but now I’m realizing that it taught me that there’s nothing you can do to stop someone from cheating. Better that it happens early on. Even though it can be so hurtful, it has much more to do with them than it has to do with you. I think the whole experience made me into the best girlfriend possible for my current partner. Wishing you lots of love in your future!
I am just like you, being a romantic. I was also cheated on. My hurt lasted a very long time so I hope you heal quicker than I did. It is such a sharp/deep betrayal. The advice I was given was focus on the next step. Don’t think too far ahead as it may seem like a monumental task.
Just keep asking “What is the next thing you can do?” Keep it simple to begin with like breathe in and out. Transition to bigger steps like going outside to listen to birds on a walk. Eventually you’ll be able to take bigger steps. Be proud of who you are and proud of each step.
Your comment about getting out is bang on. You are the outlier getting cheated on, or at least that relationship is an outlier.
I dated a lot before finding my partner, and was never cheated on. And never cheated. Same with most of my friends. Only 2 out of 20 or so close friends was cheated on, and certainly not in every relationship. But none of them would have ever posted about that non-experience on social media, so it doesn't come through.
Sucks you're going through that. But getting yourself back out there when you're ready is fine, odds are better you'll find nice people than assholes. And when you do, post about it for others ;P
Congrats on washing your butt.
Your ex sounds like a miserable person. I was cheated on once and it stung for many years. I'm not someone to put myself out there but I ended up finding someone by fluke through a dating app. We've been together now for several years.
Not everyone is about ghosting and cheating but finding that right person can take time. Please don't give up. But also, don't suffer anyone who treats you badly. Someone out there will be so excited to receive your flowers and go on cute dates with you.
Keep washing your butt.
❤️
Pretty sure if you replaced “cheated” with “abruptly discarded after half a year” then I’d say we might be the same person, age and all 😂. It does however seem like a trend, but I do notice that being on Reddit and seeing all these posts only damaged me in my position, I didn’t see a real positive swing until I just navigated the situation on my own, away from friends and social media (not saying I isolated, I just stopped talking about it all the time, stopped exposing myself to the reddit and social media posts, and set aside time for my own reflection, which is necessary, as avoidance will only postpone the pain) and made the conscious decision not to let it control me and to continue being me and doing my thing for me and not to live for anyone else. It’s a decision that I had to actually consciously make such that my subconscious agreed, because simply saying it does nothing. Your nervous system needs to be on board. It required a lot of reflection, a lot of it being self reflection, and a transition period to synchronize my conscious and unconscious thoughts and desires, and a lot of work on emotional awareness and regulation. It’s been a few months and now I’m in a place where I am not fully emotionally available yet because I’m still prioritizing myself above all things, which is not conducive to a partnership, but I can finally breathe and feel that enthusiasm and excitement around the idea of meeting someone else, and when I feel I’m there you can bet your ass I’m gonna throw myself back out there! Will I get hurt again? Maybe! Is it a risk worth taking? It may not seem like it right now but I personally believe that, at least for me, and I hope for you, it is! Because there are few feelings better than truly being able to be in connection and fully vulnerable with someone that you trust on a deeper level and can connect and be vulnerable with you in the same way.
The trend I notice the most now is that many people are damaged in some way. A lot of people today are aware that they are damaged in some way, which being aware is an absolutely beautiful thing! The issue comes to be that a lot of those damaged people (NOT ALL, just a lot) can use this damage as an excuse for certain behaviors rather than removing themselves from the dating pool and resolving this trauma to a navigable status. A lot of it is very selfish, though, a lot of it is subconscious and a result of past trauma. A lot of the time they actually mean well and think they’re ready and come to realize they may not have been as ready as they thought, which sucks if you’re on the other end but it is at least reasonable if it’s communicated effectively. Then there’s the group who are not damaged, or have already done the work to overcome their damage and emotional trauma. Those are the one’s who are ready for and deserve love at its truest sense! The key is to ensure that you’re in that elusive third group, and to seek others in that same group. So, giving up is an option, aimlessly throwing yourself back out there is an option, or working on yourself to ensure you’re in that third group and not forcing relationships but being open minded and willing to go along with them as opportunities present themselves and allowing them to blossom into what they are meant to be, now that’s the option I’m choosing to go with moving forward.
This is all psychology I just made up based on gut feel, heavily influenced by reading and watching youtube, so take it with a grain of salt, but I was in your shoes not too long ago and I came through using this as a guide and I’m in a much healthier place now, and I hope that helps it can help you to heal along the way as well.
TLDR: I’m a self-proclaimed psychologist with only anecdotal experience and my advice is to get off reddit for a while, work on yourself, regain your confidence, and then make the decision whether you want to get back out there or not, and there are no wrong decisions. Just make sure they’re your decisions, and not guided by fear, pain, or insecurity, and that they support your goals in life! That’s my Ted Talk! Good luck!!
There are better people out there. While I do recognize the trend, it shouldn't stop you from trying.
(Revenge is a dish best served cold. )
Bro I don’t have good advice but being cheated on like that sounds horrific. I’m 24F and also a hopeless romantic and from my perspective dating feels a little impossible in a similar way. I think if you keep the hopeless romanticism alive and stay grounded over your worth as a person you will find someone matching that energy. It will be a struggle but I think those qualities are still highly valued because over and over I hear other women want that in a partner. I’m rooting for you 👍
Homie just to put things into perspective, let’s go crazy and say you’ve read a MILLION individual, unique, and verifiably true accounts of people cheating. That would be a sample size of 0.0125% of the population.
Can't relate to your experience or the ones you've mentioned in your post. Datin was largely successful for me and I've had what I'd call a significant long term relationship. We left each other amicably (maybe more agreeably, we both came to the conclusion the relationship was great but unsustainable).
Anyways after plowing my way through the apps. I found a close friendship group and honestly since then I've never felt like I wanted a partner again.
I'd say that we're very different people based on your post and my loved experience so I doubt a friend group would do for you what it does for me. But maybe. Making a couple gym friends and some dungeons and dragons friends was apparently all I needed. Just some companionship out of the home.
Never underestimate the power of low expectations. I say keep trying but don't give too much of yourself until you feel you've truly found someone trustworthy.
Imagine to have your own car, your own house, the money, the looks, to be in shape, to have no attachments such as kids, to be respected and loved by most people you know(such as friends, coworkers, the random ppl you see when you go to the store or at the park, your fam and your partner's fam), even kids adore you and animals adore you too, to have the patience, the brains, the kindness, the modesty and the guts and to know how to look out for yourself and those around you.
And people still cheat on them.
People who do this are horrible, all the worse when they rub it in your face. And even if sometimes they realize their mistake and want to get back and you forgive them, for some reason, the damage is done.
It sucks, the feeling will remain, the insecurity will most likely not fade anytime soon. And you will have trust issues for future relationships. And the worst part is that you'll never know if your next partner will do the same to you.
Just cut contact with them, keep your mind busy doing anything wether it is work or a hobby, all the better if it's productive but anything works, don't even talk about it in order to not think about it, you got it out of your chest already. The best revenge is to show them you no longer care about it nor about them. You might or might not find the one. Just don't sweat over it, if it happens, great, if it doesn't happen, well shit. Don't stress yourself over spilled milk.
Eventually you will go back to feeling yourself again.
And most importantly, keep washing your butt.
Betrayal is traumatizing. The worst part of it is that it can cause you to pull away from the very things that make a relationship happen. To have a relationship, you have to risk. Risking is harder when you know what the possible pain is. I can only say that much of life is this way. If you stop trying anything, cooking, playing games, work, etc. Because you are afraid of the pain that might happen more than the happiness that might happen, you find yourself where you are now.
But did you get a colonic and study your astrology chart? I mean...are you even trying?
/ssssss
No one is having fun dating fyi lol. Women are overwhelmed and men are coming on too strong or not doing enough emotional labor and communication but it's both our faults. Social media and dating apps are not helping at all.
If you're American date from out of the country, there are more old school upbringings and values still being taught elsewhere. Best case scenario they respect your relationship, worst case you have to take care of 8 people 😅
Every human being on earth has been cheated on
Even before the interwebs
Just go with the flow jack
Shit happens,
On to the next one
If everyone stopped dating because they were cheated on we would have no reproduction or married people
Just look at it as an experience and go find another one .. might go good, might go bad ... Oh well
After I got cheated on a few times I decided to take a break from dating and work on myself. Getting my associates soon after going back to school and I’ll probably get back into dating after my career falls into place. Gotta say though I really enjoy being single now being able to do whatever I want when I want. Just take a break don’t give up.
I’ve been cheated on in 3/4 of my major relationships. I took a pause from dating because of it, but was lucky to find an amazing person who brightens everything in my world. But man did it take time and going through crap to get there. Keep moving forward. You can wallow for a bit, but don’t let it stop you. If it’s something you want you gotta go through the crap to get it.
The solution for me was to take dating less seriously
It's difficult at first because your heart yearns for romance and deep connection but just forget about it. It will come if it will come. If you are good to yourself and others you will find it eventually.
You can still participate in the dating climate without compromising your ethics much if at all.
Just gotta say fuck it to all that noise and worry about yourself. Yeah finding and dating a lovely (and loyal) person is awesome, but if you’re chasing that specifically, it’s gonna be harder to find it. Let go of yourself and become consumed with living life more fully through hobbies n shit and meeting new cool people.
Or don’t. I could be giving really terrible advice since I don’t really know wtf I’m doing either lmao.
you’re in a dark tunnel that you made for yourself even if you didn’t intend to do it. you are here, alone scared and depressed. no one is here but you and your thoughts. You need to get out, you will get out, you will find a way. Youll be better stronger wiser. It’s always darkest before the dawn
Wow weird. I never thought another soul would see the relationship this way also. I've had my share of girlfriends and the bigger percent of them cheated on me, I really don't understand how would lick and penetrate someone else's parts and them come home and be normal. I guess most people nowadays really don't have guilty consciousness. I never even thought about cheating... When I'm with some girl she is my only girl and I don't mean in some crazy don't go anywhere without me way or if you don't answer the phone I go haywire.
Funny is how women always go with the excuse that something is very wrong in the relationship and they aren't happy or satisfied. Well, sometimes they are just a f***ing w*ores, but wouldn't admit it. Ofc, I don't mean I'm perfect. I'm sure I have many thing to better in myself. I still believe somewhere out there the perfect love will appear and life will be better.
You can't give up. I was in your same spot at 29, but i was married. Let me tell you it's is not easy. But giving up is not the answer. Cheating is about them, not about you.
1. You will survive, but it will hurt for a while. Accept that. Growing is supposed to hurt.
2. This is the right place to talk to people. Let me tell you. In my life, I tried to find anyone to tell me it would be alright for months, and most people got tired of it. The people on support sites (like reddit) were always kind and helped talk things out if I needed it. Never underestimate the kindness of a stranger.
3. Yeah, dating is tough. It's not a 2024 thing. Dating has always sucked. It will always suck. You are filtering through thousands of people to find one that you like to be around and, more importantly, likes to be around you. It will take time. So try to enjoy it. Don't force it.
4. Give yourself some grace. You have been through something really tough. Take time to get back to fighting shape before dating. You can't be emotionally there for someone if you are still picking up the parts of you. It won't work.
5. Hope is a tool, a weapon. It is there for you. I don't care what you have to do but find your hope. Even if it feels silly, people need something to believe in.
When you put yourself into this state of desperation always 'looking for a partner' it comes off as just that...desperate. Nobody likes desperation and it makes it nearly impossible for you to form a real connection with someone who might like you and give you a chance.
You have to work on yourself. Find hobbies and do those things especially those in the real world. When you can be content with yourself and do the things you enjoy you WILL meet people and those people will see you as the genuine you and not the desperate 'please love me' you that you are knowingly or unknowingly putting out there right now.
It's a cliche but I met my now wife and mother of my children a few months after I stopped looking for a relationship. I just put time and energy into making myself healthier and doing the things I enjoyed with other people. That's the best advice I can give you and I hope you find someone.
Don't let stories on reddit shape your reality man. It sucks someone was so shitty, but that's so far from a representational experience. Get back up and out there, at your own pace.
The dating market is tough if you are looking for actual love. Sex is easy, but the rampant promiscuity is also one of the reasons why it is harder to find meaningful relationships.
I'm with you my man, through different circumstances. I still remain hopeful for an organic relationship to arise. Dating apps were a nightmare I wish not to return. If not... so be it.
i wonder if you need to examine what attracts you to the people you date? for the longest time, anytime i would meet someone i had an immediate spark with it turned out they were scumbags - and i had to face the music that when i felt an immediate flame with someone it didn’t mean they would be a good partner, i just was attracted to things that weren’t necessarily healthy traits for a person to have. it was a hard lesson to face, but since i’ve learned to take the time to let things breathe and get to know someone, I’ve met someone wonderful who is now my current partner.
i don’t mean to be victim blamey or anything!!! i just wonder if since you’ve been cheated on so much, you’re attracted to traits that may not necessarily go hand in hand with someone who is balanced. (for instance, i eventually realized the laid back, “whatever and whenever the wind takes me”, im an oddball in society guy tended to actually be uhhh alcoholics) maybe it’s time to swim against the current for a little while?
You are experiencing grief, which hurts and is hard to get through. Be patient, give yourself time and take good care of yourself.
Eventually it won’t hurt as bad and you can reevaluate how you feel about pursuing another relationship at that point. Hang in there!
Well stop it and show yourselves 😝
Sorry about what happened to you btw. I understand that you must be really hurt getting your trust broken like that. I hope you find a way to heal and see the light again. :)
Home, gym, market, movie theater, mall, daytime events on weekends, park, work, getting stuff done.
Problem is the women at those places either already have someone or their body language says they aren't looking for someone so we don't even bother them.
women love cute dates and getting flowers. that is not old fashioned. it sounds like maybe your anxiety and jadedness towards dating is hindering your love life! it’s more than okay to just… not date. take a few months for yourself to regroup. get a journal, talk to your therapist, spend time in nature, and find a way to get back to yourself. having this sort of outlook on relationships is the first roadblock to actually finding a good relationship. itll happen when it happens, but you don’t have to always be looking for it. take a vacation from the dating world and hang out with yourself for a bit.
As a former hopeless romantic… I recommend you abandon *one* small part of your hopeless romance.
Try to go on *more* dates. But think about it just as that. A date. Like a friend date.
Ask cute girls on dates. But think of it as if you’re just going on a date with a cute friend you may be interested in, but otherwise just “enjoy the company of”.
Get into this mindset and go on *more* dates than you do now. And go on cheaper dates. Ask girls to go apple picking, or to the beach, or to a food truck event, etc etc etc. You will quickly figure out… when you’re not trying to fulfill some classical heteronormative role of a Man On A Date… whose company you actually enjoy. When there isn’t this pressure of some romantic-pretensed date… you actually can be yourself and feel way more low-risk about letting your freak flag fly, about asserting your boundaries, and about vetting someone as a potentially poor partner.
You’ll be surprised to find by the 2nd or 3rd date that you don’t really enjoy their company all too much. It’s just a beautiful girl you get dinner and play 21 questions with.
It’s the ones where you’re on a third date going thrift shopping with a stop at a diner for lunch where you realize the conversation flows so smoothly, and you’re having a lot of fun… where you wanna continue dating them like you initiate your first dates NOW.
Lead with that attitude of “just hanging out”. Let the interactions spell out for you WHAT the relationship could have potential of being… instead of leading with WHAT relationship you want and dating to see if that can be fulfilled mutually. With the latter… concessions will be made subconsciously from the jump, and people will mold their persona to fit into the others box just as unknowingly (other than obvious dealbreakers).
I find a lot of hopeless romantics go into dates wanting… romance. Wanting to create romance. Wanting to sus out the vibes yeah… but with the context of trying to “find someone special” and trying to “escalate” the “vibe” or whatever.
This leads to a subconscious performative action on both ends. A subtle forcing into playing a role to be fulfilled. Two people being characters. A man on an expensive dinner date trying to desperately woo a woman who is trying to be beautiful, agreeable, and easygoing… you can see the cognitive dissonance that can result from this once both parties get tired of playing that “role”.
You feel a date may not work from the jump because of vibes, compatibility, values, etc. from the jump sometimes. Then some dates work better and you think it’s going well… then it blows up in your face later. Because you guys can’t hold that “persona” you acted under for too long, because you never were two people… coming together. You were two people playing the role of a Long Term Relationship Prospect.
I urge you to get into low-pressure casual dating as a “first tier” of dating. It may go against your “hopeless romantic” feelings.. but trust me… it’ll be of benefit to you in terms of finding real and genuine romance as you realize quickly who is a good “date” and who is a good HANG. A good friend to banter with. A good flirt. A good “partner in crime”. Then you hit them with the “hey I got dinner for two for us at this nice cute restaurant… you game?”
Start your first dates like you’re going out with a friend you might have a crush on, to just do something fun, but aren’t sure if “it’s the best idea” to make a move. You want to be kinda flirty but not let your cat out of the bag. Then when you really click with someone… then do the whole rigamarole you do now and try and let romance come more naturally.
Dating with all your vulnerability and investment on the table from the jump is fresh roadkill for narcissistic vultures, and you will be taken advantage of accordingly. Be more mindful and careful of who you invest more time in before even thinking about trying to “create romance”.
I really like this. I came to say something similar - sometimes just meeting people and enjoying their company makes you restore your faith in humanity. I know it's not easy. I'm going through it too.
~ Signed a hopeless romantic who is going through a divorce and all kinds of heartbreak.
Sounds like you dated a bpd. Take a look around to read up on it. They don’t represent all women. Mirroring and then rubbing it in your face, though, is a pretty big sign.
Heal, as you already are, but be aware now that monsters do exist. Be careful and take your time when you meet someone you like. Many, many people these days play a character to make you fall. That doesn’t happen with all people though. Just the manipulative ones.
So many folks hating on people with bpd is quite sad to see
My sister have the diagnosis, and she have really struggled with it, her highest highs is higher than most, and oppositely her lowest lows are lower than most, on a bad day, the smallest things can mean the world to her
She have been cheated on herself, and it devastated her, took her years to get over, and she have even attempted to take her life once (not just because of the cheating thing)
She is an amazingly strong, smart and empathetic person, maybe even because she have been fighting with herself for so long, and is currently in a longtime relationship with a swell fella she meet from school
She hates cheaters with a passion, and was very cautious with letting people into her life
My point is, if someone cheats, they would have done so regardless of any conditions or circumstance they may have been in, a bpd cheater is a scummy person, not because they’re bpd, but because they cheated
Wow dude. First of all: diagnosing someone from 3 paragraphs written by their ex is... really dumb.
Second: People with bpd are very different from one another. There are good people who try to get by suffering from bpd and there are assholes. Like always in life it's not Black and white.
What's absolutely terrifying is to claim people with bpd are Monsters. If that was your intention: Go touch some grass and actually talk to someone with bpd who is in treatment and trying to get better.
Believe it or not: People with bpd are suffering. Their lives often feel like hell on earth. They are not psychopaths wo don't feel remorse or some other bullshit.
Not in my experience dude. They follow a very common and predictable pattern of behavior in relationships.
And I didn’t diagnose. I said “it sounds like”. There’s plenty of places for OP to go look up more information.
Believe it or not plenty of people are educated. What’s sad is they don’t understand plain English. I said monsters exist, I didn’t say all people with bpd are monsters. Take it easy.
Apparently you hit a nerve with some people. Yes I once dated someone that changed their mood and identity on a dime. Would always literally flirt with other guys right in front of me. Also gaslighting by saying crazy things and deny they ever said them later.
You don't need some official diagnosis to determine there is clearly something wrong with them and very damaging for the people that get involved with them.
So back when I wasn’t Christian I told my friend about some men who hurt me and then my friend said, “just join a church and meet people there” and I said to him, “but I’m not Christian.”
I don’t know if this post will get hates but let me tell you, if you’re looking for a monogamous relationship that’s loyal then Christians are it. Not saying anybody outside aren’t and it’s not the best to date a Christian if you’re not. Just saying
This is awful advice. Christians want other Christians so they can do Christian stuff like church and praying together. If you aren’t Christian there’s no way you are going to be able to fake it for the next 40 years.
Plus, they cheat as much as anyone, lol.
You need to get jacked and rich if you want to keep the girl interested, its 2024. Flowers and poems will just disgust most women. Being single aint that bad either, no cheating or heartbreak. Everything one of these broads have to offer can be outsourced to sex workers so chase excellence instead.
What the fuck? It's bad enough to play or cheat but it's a whole nother level to gloat about it and rub it in your face. Was this unprovoked or were you guys arguing?
Unprovoked, we got along really well and had so many things in common like we were best friends. She just gave up on me when she found someone better (and rubbed my face in it too)
I've gotten cheated on several times, but in a very happy relationship now. Who knows if/when that will change or come to an end. But if we avoid things that feel great because at some point it might not, it's going to be a hell of an empty life. I have just accepted the fact that these things can happen. And rarely is it out of some sort of conscious malice.
It can happen, or it might not. Like most things in life, it's unknown. That is what makes the moments special.
Think of your life like a movie. Would you enjoy watching a movie where absolutely nothing happened? No ups, no downs just a person sitting on their couch. Not much of a movie.
Now imagine this person had an interesting character enter their life for a few months but then traveling on. Wouldn't that make the movie just a little bit more interesting? And following the main characters sorrow after the person left only to regain their happiness in some way add to the movie, not take away?
I know the pain a cheating partner leaves behind. But I also know how that pain is replaced by the fantastic feeling of falling in love again. And I'd choose the pain over and over again if it meant moments of that fantastic feeling of falling and being in love.
Nothing in life lasts forever. Things come to an end for different reasons. That's why we cherish the beautiful and happy moments so much.
No you seem to be in a misunderstandig. Incels hate women for a myriad of unfair reasons. You don't hate women you were just hurt by a partner.
Her gender is not relevant and as long as you aren't turning into a misogynist over it there is no reason to call you an incel or something.
Being too hurt and not wanting to date because it leaves you vulnerable is a completely fair trauma response to what was done to you. I am extremely sorry.
You will probably find what you seek eventually. It is true that romance is not easy to find but it isn't a modern thing it just is a love thing, and people aren't settling for people they don't like out of convenience as often anymore. That's a good thing but it also means it takes more attempts to find someone you want for keeps.
You’re coming onto the internet to complain about the girl who cheated on you, as do most of the other guys whose girlfriends cheated on them.
You know who doesn’t post on the internet about getting cheated on? All the guys that are not getting cheated on.
That’s why you assumed people were going to tell you to touch grass, because you need to, and you know you need to. If you crumble under every bit of adversity, you’ll never succeed. That applies to dating and it applies to everything else you do in life.
If you keep running into issues with women...like habitually, then maybe and I mean this in the least shitty way: maybe you are the issue.
Maybe you're not an incel but a bull: can't help but chase red flags.
As long as you keep washing your butt, there’s hope.
More profound words have seldom been spoken.
These will be my dying words just to mess with everyone.
Lol. I was thinking wtf showed up on my feed, some poor sap complaining about washing his butt and no dates 🤣
Uncle iroh?
"*Sometimes life is like this dark tunnel - slick with feces, and rarely cleaned. But if you keep cleaning it, you will come to a better place."*
"Quamdiu ludibrium lavas, spes est."
I really can't believe how many adult men are out here not washing their ass. Don't get me wrong I'll get depressed and fall into a slump for a few days where I'm not keeping up with myself the way I need to be. But there never goes a day where my ass isn't clean and my face isn't washed.
As long as you're doing that in the right order
Yep I believe I do, I scrub in between my cheeks and then use the same rag all over my face with a cleanser. /s
> Sun Tzu
This is going on my tombstone 🪦. You sir, win the Internet for today
I swear though, all dating is a crapshoot. It sucks but thats the plain simple truth. Ass washing is a great start to finding your true love though.
Buttwashers! Assemble!
Idk man apparently there’s something appealing to an unwashed ass since those gentlemen seem to not only pull women but marry them as well. I think I’ll just stop scrubbing and see what happens. Will check back in a month 🫡
No, you don't want the dingleberry to ruin that special moment. Don't let shit stop you from finding your true love.
I saw something once that said “the love I desire exists because I am full of it.” It’s really hard to believe it all the time, especially after being hurt. But when I remember it I feel better for a little while.
Thats amazing. Thanks opposum.
I’m here to help.
Lol
this is a beautiful quote. that line of reasoning is the one reason i turned out ok
That's a beautiful quote, because it not only gives hope, but also gives us initiative to keep it alive. Sometimes hearing about all the cheating might feel hopeless and out of our control, but as long as we are willing to love it will exist. Those situations happen no matter the gender. Selfish and manipulative people don't conform to certain gender or shape, which is why we can't spot them easily. I hope when the current emotions cool down, you (OP) are left with an experience that will let you grow. Be fine with making friends, testing the water, learning about people before trusting them. Radiate the love, but be cautious. Be able to give way more than you will receive. Work on building a relationship with women, surely plenty of them will find you attractive for who you actually are. Find happiness in just being with people, and be strong. Looking for instant gratification will most likely lead to more pain.
Well said 👏
>“the love I desire exists because I am full of it.” Honestly, that sounds like it has a wicked double-meaning.
Lol yeah I read that wrong
"I know true love exists, for I have seen the way I love"
I think “dating” is nothing that one should chase. “Dating” today is a factory style game where you meet person after person or you are being kept in suspense and just seek the prior experience. Try to meet people instead. Go and take up a hobby that involves other people. There you might find someone to go out on a date with. Also, just know that you are far from alone. The loneliness epidemic is real.
>I think “dating” is nothing that one should chase. “Dating” today is a factory style game where you meet person after person or you are being kept in suspense and just seek the prior experience. Yeah, it's really become a "quantity over quality" thing. Not that the people aren't quality, but the time you spend is very shallow. I've been turned off from dating apps for this very reason. I think humans naturally value a few deep Quality connections more than hundreds of shallow Quantity connections, but dating apps make us look for shallow connections. I haven't dated at all in my life yet, but I'm really struggling with dating apps, and I think they aren't for me. I'm trying to find people by doing what you suggested, picking up different hobbies. It's worked for people before dating apps existed, and if you limit your scope to a few deep groups, you'll probably feel less FOMO too.
Dating apps have also artificially inflated egos all around, you can get more matches by basically paying for them. Even though an untold number of the responses are bots or scammers.
Dating apps also don’t want you to find someone because that makes them lose engagement. They want you to come back.
Dating apps are literally designed to be unhelpful. People think that they can go on a dating app and meet new people and all that stuff but dating apps actually lose money the better they are, so really the "best" dating apps out there are actually some of the worst because they were designed to earn money, not lose it.
I quit dating after an ex cheated and got knocked up. I started living and I don’t mean recklessly. I went and did things solo, hike, bike, fish, to a restaurant, etc. things I never wanted to do solo. And it was amazing. I lived like this for 6+years. Not looking to date, and came to terms that I was okay like that. I surrounded myself with good people. And bam, my wife came into my life and we hit it off. We talked on our first date like we knew each other years. That was 7 years ago. We’re married and have a son now. I regret nothing.
This is great advice! Also if you find yourself uninterested in or unable to afford hobbies, then volunteer!!
Volunteering is an option, but it depends on what you're looking for. If you want the feeling of helping someone in need that's nkt hard to find. But if you're looking to mery people your age it can be a challenge. In my area most of the volunteer organizations consist of people in the gen x/boomer generation. I attended a cleanup event on Earth day (last month) and there were no people under the age of 40.
I will add that volunteering doesn't necessarily have to mean helping the poor and downtrodden. (Not that those are bad things.) But there's lots of volunteering that goes on for community events. I have recently volunteered at a wine festival and a Shakespeare festival. The wine festival basically involved me handing out glasses to people who were entering the festival. It was fun working with the other volunteers and interacting with the crowds who were all in a happy mood on a beautiful sunny day. The amount of work involved was fairly minimal. It also gave me free access to the wine tasting festival which cost the paying participants $75. (And that's not something I even knew when I volunteered.) I have also volunteered at a Shakespeare festival where I was sort of serving as dining staff for people having dinner (i.e. glorified busboy). It was fun interacting with those people, too. My compensation at the Shakespeare festival was getting in for free and seeing the play (and getting food at a discount).
I am jealous! That’s such a cool volunteering job!
Exactly. Do something that puts you in the vicinity of other people that you do not know. The problem is of course the intention of doing exactly that. Your changes of finding someone will decrease the more desperate you become. However, there is no need (and no way) to completely eliminate the desire to meet someone. It is a bit like walking on a tightrope. Another tip is reading and going to bookshops and libraries. People love talking about their reading habits, and I have talked to many people in bookshops. I have seen people in philosophy sections checking out authors and I commented on their choice of author in a positive or quirky way. All of them have told me about their reading habits and I have talked with people for hours by just going to a bookshop. It’s also a relaxed atmosphere. I have had a few possible flirts in them as well. But that is of course just similar to going to the place of your hobbies.
Agree 100% and by Jove I hope OP realizes this some day. Dating is seriously one of the worse ways to find a partner in life. It's more so for one-night stands, where it's okay to just know each other's superficial identity (which is usually faked anyway during the date), because the goal is sex, not a relationship. As you mentioned, we should opt to connect with people, find those we feel at ease, where we can be "us". No assumptions, no quotas, no walking on eggshells. And when we form a connection with someone, it's because we "click" with each other. And that click is what creates the "spark", the real one. And when you fan the flames, well that's actual passion and even perhaps love is "born".
Dude dont give up. I had several situationships where the guys just used me while I was a hopeless romantic. Now Im married to an awesome men who treats me like a princess and I could not be happier.
There are tons of women who are hopeless romantics out there. Just be patient I’m sure you’ll find yours
Older women want good guys. Women in their 20s are just playing. OP your options are about to get way better.
Except they are the same people just a few years younger?
If you’re the same person you were a few years ago, you’re really wasting your time.
Or you're already fucking sweet!
How old are you? I'm nearly 42 and older women are so much worse to be around due to the insane amount of drama and complications they bring. From children (often multiple and often dome with special needs), to exes, to pets, to finances.... older women are differently as bad as younger women!
I mean women in their 30s who are looking for a long term partner. Not women in their 40s who have already been through a few baby daddies.
[удалено]
Honestly I don't think dating has gotten more competitive, the whole thing has just gotten more toxic. From the way people meet to the ability to actually get close with another person, it's all gone to shit.
It's both. Its a lot more social easier to be social than ever. But its exponential, aka guys have more options but women will always have wayyyy more options.
An example I give the people in their 50s is. Dating used to be only the people in your area, so like 5-10 miles. Now it is 100 miles each direction, and not to woman hate the illusion of choice makes it where they think there is something better around the corner. Example of this in a retail store would be when a store puts 10 brands of shirts on a rack and the amount of choices makes you pick non, and when there are three different shirts on a rack it is easier to choose which one is better. It’s not men or woman’s fault on this it would be the rise of social media.
100? My last girlfriend was getting instagram DMs from dudes in Dubai offering her thousands of dollars to come out.
A lass I work with, early 20's, attractive, recently started using Tinder. She's had over 2k likes in a week. I told her I downloaded it one night in a depressive moment, and got matches in over two months. Well, 1, but she unmatched the moment I said something. Absolutely baffled her. She doesn't understand it and says I should have some. At least she's open minded about how different it is for men and women on dating apps.
Oh didn’t even think of ig or snap. Was just thinking of dating apps.
I totally understand your feelings but I just don’t have it in me to give up. 
Damn, that's hard af.
Why would you let some AH ruin what brings you joy. If the only fire you can get under your a$$ is “living a good life is the best revenge “. Go out and be happy to spite that petty b! I don’t know if that helps, but as advice from someone who has been genuinely screwed out of a lot in life, why not give it a try?
Bro, if you give up on yourself, stop taking care of yourself, beat yourself up and blame yourself, then she wins. Don't lose hope and keep looking, the one is out there
yeah I didn’t even get cheated on or anything but my relationship ended like 6 months ago. Don’t think I could stomach dating apps again. None of the single women I know casually or any of their friends seem to have ever had any interest in me whatsoever. I’m in my early 30s, good job, tall, not hideous or anything, not bald, relatively fit, settled down and physically/mentally relatively healthy. Would have thought I’d be a least a reasonable prospect for women in their 30s or late 20s? but it feels like I’m not even close to meeting the minimum standard to participate in dating. Crazy to think that it’s entirely possible that I will probably never be in another relationship
Same boat brother, 31, fit 6,3 ft, working out three days a week, have good career, just got promoted, but meeting anyone new feels impossible, and tinder etc are made for women ego boost...that shit is crazy, and I let a very good girl go because I still wasnt ready after the last one...fuuuck.
But do you wash your butt? That is the trending questions girls are asking each other now.
Same. Mid 30s and ready to settle but it doesn’t even seem like I’m a good prospect (or at least that’s how I feel when I put myself out there) even though you hear people want emotional availability and stability. Or maybe I just suck at dating in general and I’m not interesting enough. Then again, I’m at the point where I’m done entertaining people and just want to travel now. I’m sure others are done entertaining random strangers too so both sides are not putting in the effort.
What standard? Who told you this? Just go out ask and try. It won’t just be handed to you.
Maybe it’s because I dated and got hitched in the 2010s but I’m the same. I love the butterflies in the belly and longing for that first kiss when you’re having a cheeky drink in the park. It’s intoxicating. I’m just a couple years older than you, I guess I got lucky to be hitched when the whole Covid went down. I’m sure things will go back to normal. Things will improve for you too. And the obligatory: I think Reddit is full of horror stories. Most women aren’t on here, most women aren’t on tinder and most women aren’t toxic. Don’t jump headfirst into a relationship when you date, try to really assess who you’re with and express your requirements and boundaries.
one day at a time, young one. The internet has ruined society's perception of itself, women are all on edge from the horror stories and the not monster mildly frustrated men feel judged. I don't have the answers but the social system is upside down right now.
Honestly, I've had the best luck when NOT looking. When you're enjoying the life you created for yourself, you give off a vibe that women pick up on. I can't explain it other than a feeling of being at peace with yourself. But it's happened to me numerous times. Don't even worry about it bro, love will find you when you least expect it. Enjoy life without dating. Hang out with friends, go on vacations, do those things you always wanted to do but never got around to it. Learn guitar, join the gym, hiking, or running club, start a new hobby, etc. You'll find just by being social doing the things you love provides great opportunities to meet other like-minded women.
I found my wife when I stopped looking. Things seem to fall in place when you stop trying so hard. Married 17 years now.
Username checks out. 🤣
BE SOCIAL has to be the main point here. Hippies living in the woods are usually single.
This! All day long, this! Put yourself in situations to meet people while doing something you enjoy. Friends-of-friends are excellent candidates.
People don't post on reddit etc about not getting cheated on. It's like medication side effects - most people don't mention it when things went fine. Your brain is looking for patterns and finding them online, but the data is skewed.
Oddly enough, I get asked a lot by people what the key is to finding a healthy relationship. I'm always reminded of this journal article I read about it just being a numbers game. Try enough times and something will work. The process may have chnaged from the outside, but the nitty gritty remains the same.
Feel your pain, I've been single for 30 years. I was doom scrolling through instagram on another lonely Friday evening by myself after hitting the gym for 2 hours, when I saw an inspiring post that led me to what really matters: Vanity and Materialism. Of course this only applies if you're devoid of family and romantic connections like myself.
Instagram, my favorite source of reality. 
>(there have been a suspicious number of posts about men not washing their butts recently lol) ChatGPT
ChatGPT does not wash its butt?
20+ years ago, when I was young, it seemed to me that a lot of men were very much more injured by their first heartbreak than a lot of women, however that heartbreak happened (but often due to cheating). Finding out that someone they had put on a pedestal wasn’t perfect was a huge part of the heartbreak. However, back then, there was less encouragement to extrapolate that feeling out into an anger against all women. I’m sure that feeling was felt, but the flames weren’t fanned by thousands of men empathising with that feeling or providing their own examples. Perhaps men need to learn to work through their feelings better so they are ready to find someone else. For centuries, due to the society’s rules regarding marriage and the shame of having a child out of wedlock, women were far more often the casualties of romance. Now that the emotional casualties are closer to equal, because we have so much more freedom, society hasn’t yet developed a way to help men heal.
I think women figure out way earlier that it is unwise to put any man on a pedestal. Usually when they start getting whistles on the street at 14.
14? I'd say 12. The stories I can tell with me and my friends in the school uniform are something I cannot forget no matter the time it passes by.
I think the world we live in now is so saturated with quick hits of instant pleasure that it's seriously eroded the reward of faithfulness and long term respect. (tik tok/dating apps/insta likes etc.) So many people are now treating other people in such a disposable manner that it's painful and it's causing so many hurt and lonely feelings (and people). Take a break from dating then go back to it when you feel ready enough to search for someone you can give your trust to. If YOU won't cheat on someone, then there's someone out there looking for someone exactly like you.
It’s not even so much get off social media as just get off reddit. This is the worst website on the internet to ask for advice if you’re a man. Without even reading the responses I already know there will be people in this thread blaming and/or belittling you. Find a space that’s more frequented with men and ask for your advice there. Reddit ain’t it.
This Reddit leans towards man bad woman good end of story I'd say about 85% of the time. Put it this way Reddit sees man guilty until proven innocent, women; innocent until proven guilty
Absolutely. I’ve never had a misogynistic bone in my body but after reading the majority of women’s responses on any post about relationships, I’ve become more and more convinced that a hefty portion of women are sexist assholes that would rather see a good man lose and a bad woman win no matter the circumstances.
Have read tons and tons of good great advice here on Reddit. Offcourse you have to filter out the bullshit and use your own brain. Some subs are just (meant to be) trash. Bad advice is everywhere: this is the internet, after all...
Just here to validate you king. Your positive energy of developing a real relationship is working against you with maybe most girls? Hard to say. But from my experience its always more effective and more efficient to be more lax and less serious about the relationship. Was so happy to have found a wife early on because dating is trash. But she cheated on me lol. Been dating again and its ass. Maybe it's me? Always a possibility. But im pretty cognizant. Odds are against us.
Mate I'm like you, got cheated on, she cheated with a friend, she told everyone it was my fault, she used me etc. And yeah cheating is rampant, but people like you and I are on the rise too. I was about to give up too. I'm smart, tall, good looking, decent and I had a bu ch of girls that were interested but I wasn't for the same reason as you. Untill I met my now wife. Man I never thought less about a relationship, after 6 months I asked her to marry me, I was all-in. Best thing I ever did. Love is only taking risks, without the risks it's not love. You were delt a shit hand and went in with too many chips. It's shit, it's bad, it sucks, but you don't quit the game buddy. You play your chips as best as you can, you gamble that true love is in the cards, you just have to find the right hand and take the risk. I know it sounds like risky and a lot of hurt in your future. But look at it this way, you have a shot at true love, but only if you're willing to be hurt for it, if you're willing to risk and lose. If you're not willing I promise you will be miserable too. Most people are good people man. You go find that awesome date!
The right person usually comes along when you aren't looking anyways
That’s almost fact. I swear it happens like that
I’ve had my first love at 19yrs but I guess it wasn’t cheating since we broke up and she met someone else two weeks later, then at 22 I met a girl and we were both in love with each other but I lost her since i acted like i didn’t care about her.I later met another girl who was crazy for me but she had 2 kids & was a year older then me I was 24 idk but I ended up ghosting her. Then I went and just messed around with girls but that fun ended eventually. I thought I would never find a girl especially since Covid happened and I mostly stayed at home. Now i just turned 30 and i just got a girlfriend and tbh I think this might be the one we both are actually in love with each other.
Alot of people saying "work on yourself, stack money, etc" fuuuuuuck that. Find a woman that will love you for who you are. Not what you have. Take care of yourself for sure, your health and fitness. But don't go getting successful because you will attract a woman primarily. Because something goes wrong that woman may leave you because the stock market dove and you can't provide the lifestyle anymore. . Find a woman who loves you for you. How? Just go out there and live. Interact and be personable. Be patient. Don't let it oooze out of your eyes though. Have some self respect, don't be so fuckin easy with every chick you like. Women don't respect that. It's a fine line between treating her like a queen and being an easy schmuck she can't respect.
And if there's none to be found? Mviing as if you are meant to end up in a relationship sounds scary to me.
I mean this with no disrespect, but have you tried meeting men? Not even homosexually. Making solid male friends could be a great way to be introduced to women that might be a good fit for you. It could also help build your self-esteem and make you believe you’re deserving of anyone you feel might be “to good” for someone like you.
I think it's a win that you clued in on what you want. With that, it's that much more likely that you'll find what you're looking for. I'm sorry to hear about your experience being cheated on. Have hope that you'll get what you're looking for in time!
I’ve only ever had one relationship and that was enough for me to never want to date again so I understand. I gave my all and he just took me for granted. But it really puts you off to the whole idea, if this is how it’s going to be? I’d rather be single tbh
Me too. I'm ready, take me to hell
Please dont use social media or the internet as a guide into how relationships are built or kept in the real. Echo chambers make it seem like the bad is everywhere, the very worst of people just shitting on each other. Its not real! Yes there are bad people but the truth is we are all just bubbles of energy bumping into each other trying to find one bubble the shares our energy. The odds of you bumping into the energy you are seeking is so much higher than you think, but non existent if you stop searching. I felt like you 18 years ago. In an abusive relationship and being cheated on and had zero self worth. I was so close to becoming a spinster lady in the forest with cats for company. Within a year I bumped into the right person and i never looked back! Something tells me that if you care enough to post your feelings, you care for yourself enough to know you cant give up. Please step away from social media and find your bubble in the real.
I often feel the same way as a woman but honestly even if I see a lot of the typical cheating/ghosting posts on here I also see many others like yours, so it means there are still some good people with good intentions out there! Trust me I’ve always dreamed of finding a partner that is more traditionally romantic as well, modern dating is hell but whenever I see people like you on here I still have some hope so don’t give up :)
Even perfectly looking, rich celebrities get cheated on. Please don't let her comparison between the dude and you ruin your self worth. I for one would have loved to meet a guy like you. And also, I've never cheated and don't understand how people are able to so and live with themselves afterwards. There are women out there who are not like that and you sound like a great guy. Take some rime for yourself, process it, maybe read some books or go to therapy to deal with it and try again. You will find your happiness, I'm sure of it.
The people cheating, lying and ghosting are shitty people, I think we can all agree on that. So if you want to avoid that, don't go after shitty people, no matter how attractive they seem or how desperate you are. You might have misjudged the last person you were with, it happens so don't beat yourself up about it. But on the other hand, if you keep ending up with shitty people, you're clearly prioritising the wrong things when it comes to finding a romantic partner
I would never cheat. I am also surprised at the number of people that do it. Never change being yourself. There are worse things than being single.💜
I feel like social media portrays negatives. People who are happy with their relation arent gonna be on social media. What you see online is a fraction of what reality is, just as there is someone else fearing what you do. You need to understand what cheating is born out of. You are enough with just how self-aware you are. You didnt get cheated on because you werent enough please dont believe that. Your partner views validation as a drug, some are just dumb and make stupid decisions. This all bites backs to them when they are unstable and crippling and running in and out of relations in their 30s or 40s while you settle down and live peacefully. Go out more please dont let reddit or any social media influence what love is. Dont let one woman ruin your love life. Work on yourself if you like that and value yourself. Learn geuinely where you make mistakes and hold yourself like you deserve. Go and interact with people. It takes a few interactions to turn you into an incel/femcel and just a few irl ones to make you normal. Dont look for love in everywoman, the one you will be right with will match up. Youll know its her when youll know how shallow the conversations in your previous relation felt wrt to this.
27f, I started dating recently and realized I am a hopeless romantic too. It's hard and scary when you finally meet someone you like. Putting your heart on the line is risky, but worth it when it all pays off. Don't give up, there are those "lover girls" out there that will put their heart out for you too.
I know you "disclaimered" it but I honestly think you're getting too much of your information about what "dating" is from online, where the most likely things to get posted (and upvoted) are always going to be the most dramatic. My experience of dating was much more mundane than any of those cheating stories - it was just dull and I rarely met anyone I had a genuine "spark" with. I ended up meeting my wife via something completely unrelated to "dating apps" or "dating websites" or "the hookup scene". Try meeting people in lower pressure situations, and don't expect to meet the right person straight away, because it is going to be a bit of a numbers game in that respect. There are LOTS of romantic single women out there who will be a good match for you -- but you need to have the good luck to meet one. But it sounds like right now you're kind of "burnt out" on dating and relationships? So I think \*temporarily\* "giving up" is a good plan. Relax, have fun doing other things, spend time with friends or family, take trips and discover new things, go work out or go for a run. Dating and relationships can wait. You have loads of time.
Remember in every post about cheating there’s 1 cheater and 1 hopeless romantic who would never do that to someone else
Don't focus on only 1 girl. You need to date more. If a lioness leaves a lion, he won't even notice because he has 5 more.
I feel like there's some info missing here. Like what kind of people are you chasing OP? How do you act *in* a relationship vs how do you act trying to *obtain* one? Cause I've known more than a few people who have acted super romantic with dates until they get in an actual partnership and then it goes down hill fast.
Who the duck doesn't wash their ass?
idk I've seen a bunch of posts in various subs about men not washing their butts. That part of my post was a joke because I've seen so many posts about it.
I understand it was a joke from you, but others...
hey --- freedom is not caring if u get cheated on - my strategy is - to be as awesome and non jealous as i can generally - and then have an " oh well ". attitude if i get cheated on - it has been working very well for me for a long time for a few reasons. edit to say - far as i know ive never been cheated on which means what im doing works or its s coincidence or im to oblivious to know ( whivh is fine with me and fits the vibe , eg i would nevet go into a partners ph etc ) having confidence in my value , giving freedom and trusting -
I gave up on men after a bad breakup: so bad I marked the occasion with a tattoo. Spent the next two years not thinking about love, sex, or anything since I was working and taking care of family anyway. Along comes this guy who just happened to live between where I live and work. Where I've lived for 30 years, mind you. This gentleman comes in and makes a comment about coming over to see him. We banter for a week or two. Told him that this would just be a sex thing. He was fine with that. That was 20 years ago. The right one comes at the right time. It is up to us to prepare for when that happens. Redirect your focus for now, still your heart.
Have you ever heard of the phrase "you can't cheat an honest man"? I think there is some truth to that, especially in romantic relationships. You need to look at the things you overlooked or accepted in partners because you wanted something. I'm not saying there are not bad people that will cheat and treat you bad. I'm saying that it usually takes two. One is the bad person and the other is the person who has no integrity who allows themselves to be taken advantage. My advice to you is to not try to find the ideal person, but to become the person you want to be. Hold to your values, and stop compromising, and you have a chance.
First things first: there is nothing wrong with being single. I've had many years of my life where I was single, and even though it gets lonely sometimes, one of the most attractive things in a person is someone having self-sufficiency, independence, and understanding of oneself. Read: having your shit together. So work on yourself! Get engrossed in your favourite hobbies, try some new things, maybe travel somewhere else. Become obsessed with the life you're living and make it as incredible as it can be for yourself. Not for anybody else. For YOU. Cause you deserve it :) Pretty much every time I (29M) have found a new interest, it's been when I'm doing my thing, living my life, and someone sees that and ends up thinking "wow that guy is cool, he's authentically and unapologetically being himself". Being sociable helps - not everybody is, but everybody has an interest and there's always someone else out there who shares that!
how old are you? you'd be surprised about how much later in life before people find "the one", don't give up :) a guy who gets flowers and cute dates sounds so sweet. lots of girls would love a guy like that!
Hey man, I've been in your shoes more often than not, and I've had my share of bad ones and good ones. The only thing you can't stop is to try, but, take it easy, love doesn't come easy, and maybe you are just jumping into it and someone will take advantage of you. You are in a good spot at least, you are not beating yourself up, you have at least some self-confidence left, and you know what you want. Take it easy, wear your heart on a sleeve, but don't put it on a plate for every girl that smiles your way. Just take it easy, find someone that has the same values as you, she's out there, maybe it will take a month, maybe it will take 20 years like in my case. Don't give up. And, if you think about it, it's all about the journey and the experience, you got cheated on, well, you are not the first and not the last. Maybe she wasn't for you, maybe she was a terrible human being. Learn from this and move on. There will be others. Use all the experience so next time it does not happen again. If it makes you feel any better it's probably her loss, but that doesn't matter. Just keep going out there and keep living your life. Also, cut all contacts with her. Don't let her win this, just move on, give it some time and it will be just a memory.
Take a breath my dude. It sucks hard right now, but in a while you'll probably feel a bit different about it. Focus on your own happiness for a bit and try to stay open to other people.
You have a very long life ahead of you. I understand that you are hurt and sad right now. But it will pass. Eventually you will meet a nice woman and fall in love again. I have been married for 25 years and we don't cheat on each other. Good luck! Don't give up.
I would say take a break from it, go live a happy single life and take it as it goes. I was single for nearly 10 years before I met someone just enjoy the time in between, I know I did
I don’t mean to sound discouraging, but I had a similar situation with a girlfriend 10 years ago. I haven’t dated anyone since. She absolutely broke me - crushed my self confidence and changed the trajectory of my life. I’d give anything to talk to my 23 year old self and smack some sense into him. I’m 33 now and have essentially given up on finding a girlfriend because I’m terrified of relationships. Maybe I’ll change my ways - who knows. I feel for you though and I hope you can don’t go the same route I have and regain hope in finding love
Therapy, my friend.
It's simple. See it as an investment. How much time are you willing to invest to find out? I got quite similar views like you and yes, it hurts to get cheated on, but you cannot let that get to you too much. Either they deseeve you or they don't. There is no emotion in that evaluation, it's mathematical.
I got cheated on by my last bf more often than I probably knew of and now I’m in a healthy happy relationship in the 8th year. People will always hurt you, what you do with that hurt is on you. Close yourself off and you won’t ever get something good.
First of all, my condolences. You are in pretty shitty situation. What you do is called victim blaming. Cheating is assholish abusive behavior. She cheated, not you. She is an asshole, you are the victim. Blaming one particular woman for assholish behavior doesn't make you misogynist or incel or anything. At the same time it is reasonable to think "what can I do to avoid such situations in the future"? I think a good option is switching from dating to making friends. It's a much more reliable source of emotional support. Also if you want good long term relationships - they can usually start as friendship. And a therapist is a good thing. You are describing that you are feeling pretty unreasonable guilt, it is a pretty shitty thing, but therapists can deal with it. You're going through hard times, and you'll make it. Good luck.
You need friends you can actually speak to my man. That's what they there for. Anyway, meet people to meet people, not to date. It will be more relaxing.
Honestly get offline. Meet people organically and physically, delete social media and remove the entire toxic dimension from you're life.
My ex cheated on me by fucking him till he came in her then coming home and fucking me. We were at a party with a mix of work friends, all younger, she got super drunk and announced it to everyone at the party, how bad I was in bed, how good he was, it was gnarly. I dropped everything and left the country to become a bartender in another. I basically went off the rails as a result. I had no hope in love, my ego was crushed to the point I was nearly completely unable to talk to women, I withdrew from everyone around me and was angry all the time for months after. Anyway it's been 6 years now, she's divorced after cheating on her husband and him finding out, she is 27 and legit looks 40+ and she has 2 kids she has joint custody with the father for. I am happily making friends meeting great people and once again fishing in the sea. All that to say, good luck brother, Shits tough, real tough, it fucks your mental up hard. I literally joined a spec ops division in the military and passed with that experience as fuel 🤣 You got this.
Dude you can't just give up, you know it, we know it, this is clearly a rant, recognize it. Sucks you got played man, that's a terrible thing to go through, and unfortunately there are plenty of bad people in the world that just focus on stroking their egos. Reflect on it, learn from it, remember what a cheating person looks like. You're eagerness for "cute love" makes you easy to take advantage of, so you can't show it to everyone. It's good to want it, but only show it to people you trust, and who have a history of good behavior. Words are fickle, you need to see behavioral evidence of commitment before you open yourself up. Keep at it, giving up is for the weak minded, and the weak minded never find happiness and satisfaction.
Yea cheating sucks, but expectations are the real enemy. There are tons of great matches for you in the world. Timing is an issue too. Rather than making an intentional “not dating” or “open to dating” conclusion, just take life one day at a time. You don’t have to label anything. Let them know that you want to take things slow and get to know them first (before spending money/moving in/being exclusive, etc). if they don’t get it (which they may expect others to) then you don’t have to waste time on them. Seriously tho, tons of girls would love a romantic guy like that. The sooner you put it out there, the sooner you’ll be judged. No one should take you for granted, so my advice would be: be a little more selfish with yourself. We’re not all trash.
Please don’t take what you read on REDDIT to be a true reflection of real life mate. We aren’t a true representation of people out there living their life, there’s a lot of angry nerds on here myself sometimes included lol. Just stay off social media for a bit if what you’re seeing is bleeding into real life decisions
I would not abandon all hope. It helped me to date outside of my comfort zone- guys of different nationalities, guys shorter than I thought I was attracted to etc. I was stuck on the same type of guy for a long time and it never worked out. Once I was really truly open to someone outside what I thought was my “ideal”, I found the real ideal.
perhaps its because there were time where you weren't firm and being romantic all the time is all as a fact to the opposite sex boring, I'm not going to apologise for telling the truth of it. its a little sad you've felt the need to prepare your statement with quite the defences, honestly there's nothing wrong with what your saying, after all they are just words, the humbling thing is going to be when who ever that was comes to realise that their new fling will only last so long, they opened to the door for someone to take advantage of them by ridiculing you. dating's fun, dating should be fun but fun cant be had all the time or it gets mundane. the way you dont let it happen again is by as you say get out there again. your allowed to defend your own boundaries and if someone doesn't like it then they dont like it, if they're going to throw a tantrum or do something else me and everyone else know you just dodged a missile
Step away from The Reddit
Good thing you wash your butt
Tell me about it, the dating scene and relationship culture nowadays seems doomed. Would be amazing to find someone genuine who put as much effort into relationships as I do but it doesn’t seem to be the case haha. I want to give up too and save my effort and energy on myself, my close family members and cat lol🤣
Looking on reddit to see how most relationships are is confirmation bias. Most people will only come on here for advice or to rant if their relationships are bad so those are the stories you are more likely to hear. If your relationship is good you don't have much reason to post about it on reddit. What happened to you is aweful and I think anyone would feel the way you do in your situation. I think its okay to feel this way and maybe you just need to sit with this feelings for a while and take sometime for your self before dating again. Maybe take up a new hobby or something like that in the mean time?
Get off the apps, meet someone in real life. That means possible rejection to your face but it works best. The woman you want has also given up on apps. The ones on apps, either haven’t given up yet on finding the impossible or are the serial cheaters
After getting cheated on by my ex, my self confidence was diminished and I hated myself. I decided to get my closure by writing in a journal and I wrote that “I know I will never find love again, but I can still date around so that I find a good father for my kids”. I read that journal entry recently which was from 2020. I now am absolutely in love with the man of my dreams who makes me feel like I’m on top of the world every day. I hope you look back at this thread and smile the way I got to when I read my old journal. I used to think getting cheated on was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but now I’m realizing that it taught me that there’s nothing you can do to stop someone from cheating. Better that it happens early on. Even though it can be so hurtful, it has much more to do with them than it has to do with you. I think the whole experience made me into the best girlfriend possible for my current partner. Wishing you lots of love in your future!
I am just like you, being a romantic. I was also cheated on. My hurt lasted a very long time so I hope you heal quicker than I did. It is such a sharp/deep betrayal. The advice I was given was focus on the next step. Don’t think too far ahead as it may seem like a monumental task. Just keep asking “What is the next thing you can do?” Keep it simple to begin with like breathe in and out. Transition to bigger steps like going outside to listen to birds on a walk. Eventually you’ll be able to take bigger steps. Be proud of who you are and proud of each step.
Your comment about getting out is bang on. You are the outlier getting cheated on, or at least that relationship is an outlier. I dated a lot before finding my partner, and was never cheated on. And never cheated. Same with most of my friends. Only 2 out of 20 or so close friends was cheated on, and certainly not in every relationship. But none of them would have ever posted about that non-experience on social media, so it doesn't come through. Sucks you're going through that. But getting yourself back out there when you're ready is fine, odds are better you'll find nice people than assholes. And when you do, post about it for others ;P
Congrats on washing your butt. Your ex sounds like a miserable person. I was cheated on once and it stung for many years. I'm not someone to put myself out there but I ended up finding someone by fluke through a dating app. We've been together now for several years. Not everyone is about ghosting and cheating but finding that right person can take time. Please don't give up. But also, don't suffer anyone who treats you badly. Someone out there will be so excited to receive your flowers and go on cute dates with you. Keep washing your butt. ❤️
Pretty sure if you replaced “cheated” with “abruptly discarded after half a year” then I’d say we might be the same person, age and all 😂. It does however seem like a trend, but I do notice that being on Reddit and seeing all these posts only damaged me in my position, I didn’t see a real positive swing until I just navigated the situation on my own, away from friends and social media (not saying I isolated, I just stopped talking about it all the time, stopped exposing myself to the reddit and social media posts, and set aside time for my own reflection, which is necessary, as avoidance will only postpone the pain) and made the conscious decision not to let it control me and to continue being me and doing my thing for me and not to live for anyone else. It’s a decision that I had to actually consciously make such that my subconscious agreed, because simply saying it does nothing. Your nervous system needs to be on board. It required a lot of reflection, a lot of it being self reflection, and a transition period to synchronize my conscious and unconscious thoughts and desires, and a lot of work on emotional awareness and regulation. It’s been a few months and now I’m in a place where I am not fully emotionally available yet because I’m still prioritizing myself above all things, which is not conducive to a partnership, but I can finally breathe and feel that enthusiasm and excitement around the idea of meeting someone else, and when I feel I’m there you can bet your ass I’m gonna throw myself back out there! Will I get hurt again? Maybe! Is it a risk worth taking? It may not seem like it right now but I personally believe that, at least for me, and I hope for you, it is! Because there are few feelings better than truly being able to be in connection and fully vulnerable with someone that you trust on a deeper level and can connect and be vulnerable with you in the same way. The trend I notice the most now is that many people are damaged in some way. A lot of people today are aware that they are damaged in some way, which being aware is an absolutely beautiful thing! The issue comes to be that a lot of those damaged people (NOT ALL, just a lot) can use this damage as an excuse for certain behaviors rather than removing themselves from the dating pool and resolving this trauma to a navigable status. A lot of it is very selfish, though, a lot of it is subconscious and a result of past trauma. A lot of the time they actually mean well and think they’re ready and come to realize they may not have been as ready as they thought, which sucks if you’re on the other end but it is at least reasonable if it’s communicated effectively. Then there’s the group who are not damaged, or have already done the work to overcome their damage and emotional trauma. Those are the one’s who are ready for and deserve love at its truest sense! The key is to ensure that you’re in that elusive third group, and to seek others in that same group. So, giving up is an option, aimlessly throwing yourself back out there is an option, or working on yourself to ensure you’re in that third group and not forcing relationships but being open minded and willing to go along with them as opportunities present themselves and allowing them to blossom into what they are meant to be, now that’s the option I’m choosing to go with moving forward. This is all psychology I just made up based on gut feel, heavily influenced by reading and watching youtube, so take it with a grain of salt, but I was in your shoes not too long ago and I came through using this as a guide and I’m in a much healthier place now, and I hope that helps it can help you to heal along the way as well. TLDR: I’m a self-proclaimed psychologist with only anecdotal experience and my advice is to get off reddit for a while, work on yourself, regain your confidence, and then make the decision whether you want to get back out there or not, and there are no wrong decisions. Just make sure they’re your decisions, and not guided by fear, pain, or insecurity, and that they support your goals in life! That’s my Ted Talk! Good luck!!
There are better people out there. While I do recognize the trend, it shouldn't stop you from trying. (Revenge is a dish best served cold. )
You said the most important part already 'YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY'
You need therapy, not Reddit.
Bro I don’t have good advice but being cheated on like that sounds horrific. I’m 24F and also a hopeless romantic and from my perspective dating feels a little impossible in a similar way. I think if you keep the hopeless romanticism alive and stay grounded over your worth as a person you will find someone matching that energy. It will be a struggle but I think those qualities are still highly valued because over and over I hear other women want that in a partner. I’m rooting for you 👍
Homie just to put things into perspective, let’s go crazy and say you’ve read a MILLION individual, unique, and verifiably true accounts of people cheating. That would be a sample size of 0.0125% of the population.
Can't relate to your experience or the ones you've mentioned in your post. Datin was largely successful for me and I've had what I'd call a significant long term relationship. We left each other amicably (maybe more agreeably, we both came to the conclusion the relationship was great but unsustainable). Anyways after plowing my way through the apps. I found a close friendship group and honestly since then I've never felt like I wanted a partner again. I'd say that we're very different people based on your post and my loved experience so I doubt a friend group would do for you what it does for me. But maybe. Making a couple gym friends and some dungeons and dragons friends was apparently all I needed. Just some companionship out of the home.
Never underestimate the power of low expectations. I say keep trying but don't give too much of yourself until you feel you've truly found someone trustworthy.
A lot of the stories on reddit are completely fake. I've even seen repeats. Hope that helps.
Imagine to have your own car, your own house, the money, the looks, to be in shape, to have no attachments such as kids, to be respected and loved by most people you know(such as friends, coworkers, the random ppl you see when you go to the store or at the park, your fam and your partner's fam), even kids adore you and animals adore you too, to have the patience, the brains, the kindness, the modesty and the guts and to know how to look out for yourself and those around you. And people still cheat on them. People who do this are horrible, all the worse when they rub it in your face. And even if sometimes they realize their mistake and want to get back and you forgive them, for some reason, the damage is done. It sucks, the feeling will remain, the insecurity will most likely not fade anytime soon. And you will have trust issues for future relationships. And the worst part is that you'll never know if your next partner will do the same to you. Just cut contact with them, keep your mind busy doing anything wether it is work or a hobby, all the better if it's productive but anything works, don't even talk about it in order to not think about it, you got it out of your chest already. The best revenge is to show them you no longer care about it nor about them. You might or might not find the one. Just don't sweat over it, if it happens, great, if it doesn't happen, well shit. Don't stress yourself over spilled milk. Eventually you will go back to feeling yourself again. And most importantly, keep washing your butt.
Betrayal is traumatizing. The worst part of it is that it can cause you to pull away from the very things that make a relationship happen. To have a relationship, you have to risk. Risking is harder when you know what the possible pain is. I can only say that much of life is this way. If you stop trying anything, cooking, playing games, work, etc. Because you are afraid of the pain that might happen more than the happiness that might happen, you find yourself where you are now.
Don’t give up. There are good women out there.
But did you get a colonic and study your astrology chart? I mean...are you even trying? /ssssss No one is having fun dating fyi lol. Women are overwhelmed and men are coming on too strong or not doing enough emotional labor and communication but it's both our faults. Social media and dating apps are not helping at all.
If you're American date from out of the country, there are more old school upbringings and values still being taught elsewhere. Best case scenario they respect your relationship, worst case you have to take care of 8 people 😅
Every human being on earth has been cheated on Even before the interwebs Just go with the flow jack Shit happens, On to the next one If everyone stopped dating because they were cheated on we would have no reproduction or married people Just look at it as an experience and go find another one .. might go good, might go bad ... Oh well
After I got cheated on a few times I decided to take a break from dating and work on myself. Getting my associates soon after going back to school and I’ll probably get back into dating after my career falls into place. Gotta say though I really enjoy being single now being able to do whatever I want when I want. Just take a break don’t give up.
I understand how you feel. I’m just like you and I also gave up a while ago. Theres just too much heartbreak and I’ve already lost all my self esteem.
I’ve been cheated on in 3/4 of my major relationships. I took a pause from dating because of it, but was lucky to find an amazing person who brightens everything in my world. But man did it take time and going through crap to get there. Keep moving forward. You can wallow for a bit, but don’t let it stop you. If it’s something you want you gotta go through the crap to get it.
The solution for me was to take dating less seriously It's difficult at first because your heart yearns for romance and deep connection but just forget about it. It will come if it will come. If you are good to yourself and others you will find it eventually. You can still participate in the dating climate without compromising your ethics much if at all.
Just gotta say fuck it to all that noise and worry about yourself. Yeah finding and dating a lovely (and loyal) person is awesome, but if you’re chasing that specifically, it’s gonna be harder to find it. Let go of yourself and become consumed with living life more fully through hobbies n shit and meeting new cool people. Or don’t. I could be giving really terrible advice since I don’t really know wtf I’m doing either lmao.
you’re in a dark tunnel that you made for yourself even if you didn’t intend to do it. you are here, alone scared and depressed. no one is here but you and your thoughts. You need to get out, you will get out, you will find a way. Youll be better stronger wiser. It’s always darkest before the dawn
Never forget: a lot of women don’t wish their butts, either! You’ll do better
The hurtful things your ex said were meant to hurt you. They aren't necessarily true.
Wow weird. I never thought another soul would see the relationship this way also. I've had my share of girlfriends and the bigger percent of them cheated on me, I really don't understand how would lick and penetrate someone else's parts and them come home and be normal. I guess most people nowadays really don't have guilty consciousness. I never even thought about cheating... When I'm with some girl she is my only girl and I don't mean in some crazy don't go anywhere without me way or if you don't answer the phone I go haywire. Funny is how women always go with the excuse that something is very wrong in the relationship and they aren't happy or satisfied. Well, sometimes they are just a f***ing w*ores, but wouldn't admit it. Ofc, I don't mean I'm perfect. I'm sure I have many thing to better in myself. I still believe somewhere out there the perfect love will appear and life will be better.
You can't give up. I was in your same spot at 29, but i was married. Let me tell you it's is not easy. But giving up is not the answer. Cheating is about them, not about you. 1. You will survive, but it will hurt for a while. Accept that. Growing is supposed to hurt. 2. This is the right place to talk to people. Let me tell you. In my life, I tried to find anyone to tell me it would be alright for months, and most people got tired of it. The people on support sites (like reddit) were always kind and helped talk things out if I needed it. Never underestimate the kindness of a stranger. 3. Yeah, dating is tough. It's not a 2024 thing. Dating has always sucked. It will always suck. You are filtering through thousands of people to find one that you like to be around and, more importantly, likes to be around you. It will take time. So try to enjoy it. Don't force it. 4. Give yourself some grace. You have been through something really tough. Take time to get back to fighting shape before dating. You can't be emotionally there for someone if you are still picking up the parts of you. It won't work. 5. Hope is a tool, a weapon. It is there for you. I don't care what you have to do but find your hope. Even if it feels silly, people need something to believe in.
When you put yourself into this state of desperation always 'looking for a partner' it comes off as just that...desperate. Nobody likes desperation and it makes it nearly impossible for you to form a real connection with someone who might like you and give you a chance. You have to work on yourself. Find hobbies and do those things especially those in the real world. When you can be content with yourself and do the things you enjoy you WILL meet people and those people will see you as the genuine you and not the desperate 'please love me' you that you are knowingly or unknowingly putting out there right now. It's a cliche but I met my now wife and mother of my children a few months after I stopped looking for a relationship. I just put time and energy into making myself healthier and doing the things I enjoyed with other people. That's the best advice I can give you and I hope you find someone.
I heard ass washing makes you gay
Don't let stories on reddit shape your reality man. It sucks someone was so shitty, but that's so far from a representational experience. Get back up and out there, at your own pace.
The dating market is tough if you are looking for actual love. Sex is easy, but the rampant promiscuity is also one of the reasons why it is harder to find meaningful relationships.
I'm with you my man, through different circumstances. I still remain hopeful for an organic relationship to arise. Dating apps were a nightmare I wish not to return. If not... so be it.
i wonder if you need to examine what attracts you to the people you date? for the longest time, anytime i would meet someone i had an immediate spark with it turned out they were scumbags - and i had to face the music that when i felt an immediate flame with someone it didn’t mean they would be a good partner, i just was attracted to things that weren’t necessarily healthy traits for a person to have. it was a hard lesson to face, but since i’ve learned to take the time to let things breathe and get to know someone, I’ve met someone wonderful who is now my current partner. i don’t mean to be victim blamey or anything!!! i just wonder if since you’ve been cheated on so much, you’re attracted to traits that may not necessarily go hand in hand with someone who is balanced. (for instance, i eventually realized the laid back, “whatever and whenever the wind takes me”, im an oddball in society guy tended to actually be uhhh alcoholics) maybe it’s time to swim against the current for a little while?
You are experiencing grief, which hurts and is hard to get through. Be patient, give yourself time and take good care of yourself. Eventually it won’t hurt as bad and you can reevaluate how you feel about pursuing another relationship at that point. Hang in there!
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‘I want to go on cute dates and buy her flowers.’ Where are guys like that in real life haha
At home mostly (me)
DM Nora! Good luck!
Well stop it and show yourselves 😝 Sorry about what happened to you btw. I understand that you must be really hurt getting your trust broken like that. I hope you find a way to heal and see the light again. :)
Home, gym, market, movie theater, mall, daytime events on weekends, park, work, getting stuff done. Problem is the women at those places either already have someone or their body language says they aren't looking for someone so we don't even bother them.
women love cute dates and getting flowers. that is not old fashioned. it sounds like maybe your anxiety and jadedness towards dating is hindering your love life! it’s more than okay to just… not date. take a few months for yourself to regroup. get a journal, talk to your therapist, spend time in nature, and find a way to get back to yourself. having this sort of outlook on relationships is the first roadblock to actually finding a good relationship. itll happen when it happens, but you don’t have to always be looking for it. take a vacation from the dating world and hang out with yourself for a bit.
As a former hopeless romantic… I recommend you abandon *one* small part of your hopeless romance. Try to go on *more* dates. But think about it just as that. A date. Like a friend date. Ask cute girls on dates. But think of it as if you’re just going on a date with a cute friend you may be interested in, but otherwise just “enjoy the company of”. Get into this mindset and go on *more* dates than you do now. And go on cheaper dates. Ask girls to go apple picking, or to the beach, or to a food truck event, etc etc etc. You will quickly figure out… when you’re not trying to fulfill some classical heteronormative role of a Man On A Date… whose company you actually enjoy. When there isn’t this pressure of some romantic-pretensed date… you actually can be yourself and feel way more low-risk about letting your freak flag fly, about asserting your boundaries, and about vetting someone as a potentially poor partner. You’ll be surprised to find by the 2nd or 3rd date that you don’t really enjoy their company all too much. It’s just a beautiful girl you get dinner and play 21 questions with. It’s the ones where you’re on a third date going thrift shopping with a stop at a diner for lunch where you realize the conversation flows so smoothly, and you’re having a lot of fun… where you wanna continue dating them like you initiate your first dates NOW. Lead with that attitude of “just hanging out”. Let the interactions spell out for you WHAT the relationship could have potential of being… instead of leading with WHAT relationship you want and dating to see if that can be fulfilled mutually. With the latter… concessions will be made subconsciously from the jump, and people will mold their persona to fit into the others box just as unknowingly (other than obvious dealbreakers). I find a lot of hopeless romantics go into dates wanting… romance. Wanting to create romance. Wanting to sus out the vibes yeah… but with the context of trying to “find someone special” and trying to “escalate” the “vibe” or whatever. This leads to a subconscious performative action on both ends. A subtle forcing into playing a role to be fulfilled. Two people being characters. A man on an expensive dinner date trying to desperately woo a woman who is trying to be beautiful, agreeable, and easygoing… you can see the cognitive dissonance that can result from this once both parties get tired of playing that “role”. You feel a date may not work from the jump because of vibes, compatibility, values, etc. from the jump sometimes. Then some dates work better and you think it’s going well… then it blows up in your face later. Because you guys can’t hold that “persona” you acted under for too long, because you never were two people… coming together. You were two people playing the role of a Long Term Relationship Prospect. I urge you to get into low-pressure casual dating as a “first tier” of dating. It may go against your “hopeless romantic” feelings.. but trust me… it’ll be of benefit to you in terms of finding real and genuine romance as you realize quickly who is a good “date” and who is a good HANG. A good friend to banter with. A good flirt. A good “partner in crime”. Then you hit them with the “hey I got dinner for two for us at this nice cute restaurant… you game?” Start your first dates like you’re going out with a friend you might have a crush on, to just do something fun, but aren’t sure if “it’s the best idea” to make a move. You want to be kinda flirty but not let your cat out of the bag. Then when you really click with someone… then do the whole rigamarole you do now and try and let romance come more naturally. Dating with all your vulnerability and investment on the table from the jump is fresh roadkill for narcissistic vultures, and you will be taken advantage of accordingly. Be more mindful and careful of who you invest more time in before even thinking about trying to “create romance”.
I really like this. I came to say something similar - sometimes just meeting people and enjoying their company makes you restore your faith in humanity. I know it's not easy. I'm going through it too. ~ Signed a hopeless romantic who is going through a divorce and all kinds of heartbreak.
Sounds like you dated a bpd. Take a look around to read up on it. They don’t represent all women. Mirroring and then rubbing it in your face, though, is a pretty big sign. Heal, as you already are, but be aware now that monsters do exist. Be careful and take your time when you meet someone you like. Many, many people these days play a character to make you fall. That doesn’t happen with all people though. Just the manipulative ones.
So many folks hating on people with bpd is quite sad to see My sister have the diagnosis, and she have really struggled with it, her highest highs is higher than most, and oppositely her lowest lows are lower than most, on a bad day, the smallest things can mean the world to her She have been cheated on herself, and it devastated her, took her years to get over, and she have even attempted to take her life once (not just because of the cheating thing) She is an amazingly strong, smart and empathetic person, maybe even because she have been fighting with herself for so long, and is currently in a longtime relationship with a swell fella she meet from school She hates cheaters with a passion, and was very cautious with letting people into her life My point is, if someone cheats, they would have done so regardless of any conditions or circumstance they may have been in, a bpd cheater is a scummy person, not because they’re bpd, but because they cheated
Wow dude. First of all: diagnosing someone from 3 paragraphs written by their ex is... really dumb. Second: People with bpd are very different from one another. There are good people who try to get by suffering from bpd and there are assholes. Like always in life it's not Black and white. What's absolutely terrifying is to claim people with bpd are Monsters. If that was your intention: Go touch some grass and actually talk to someone with bpd who is in treatment and trying to get better. Believe it or not: People with bpd are suffering. Their lives often feel like hell on earth. They are not psychopaths wo don't feel remorse or some other bullshit.
Not in my experience dude. They follow a very common and predictable pattern of behavior in relationships. And I didn’t diagnose. I said “it sounds like”. There’s plenty of places for OP to go look up more information. Believe it or not plenty of people are educated. What’s sad is they don’t understand plain English. I said monsters exist, I didn’t say all people with bpd are monsters. Take it easy.
Apparently you hit a nerve with some people. Yes I once dated someone that changed their mood and identity on a dime. Would always literally flirt with other guys right in front of me. Also gaslighting by saying crazy things and deny they ever said them later. You don't need some official diagnosis to determine there is clearly something wrong with them and very damaging for the people that get involved with them.
The real people are not out there doing dating
What does this even mean?
What are the real people doing?!
So back when I wasn’t Christian I told my friend about some men who hurt me and then my friend said, “just join a church and meet people there” and I said to him, “but I’m not Christian.” I don’t know if this post will get hates but let me tell you, if you’re looking for a monogamous relationship that’s loyal then Christians are it. Not saying anybody outside aren’t and it’s not the best to date a Christian if you’re not. Just saying
Lol I got voraciously cheated on by a (practicing) Christian Scumbags and good people are in all walks of life
This is awful advice. Christians want other Christians so they can do Christian stuff like church and praying together. If you aren’t Christian there’s no way you are going to be able to fake it for the next 40 years. Plus, they cheat as much as anyone, lol.
You need to get jacked and rich if you want to keep the girl interested, its 2024. Flowers and poems will just disgust most women. Being single aint that bad either, no cheating or heartbreak. Everything one of these broads have to offer can be outsourced to sex workers so chase excellence instead.
What the fuck? It's bad enough to play or cheat but it's a whole nother level to gloat about it and rub it in your face. Was this unprovoked or were you guys arguing?
Unprovoked, we got along really well and had so many things in common like we were best friends. She just gave up on me when she found someone better (and rubbed my face in it too)
I've gotten cheated on several times, but in a very happy relationship now. Who knows if/when that will change or come to an end. But if we avoid things that feel great because at some point it might not, it's going to be a hell of an empty life. I have just accepted the fact that these things can happen. And rarely is it out of some sort of conscious malice. It can happen, or it might not. Like most things in life, it's unknown. That is what makes the moments special. Think of your life like a movie. Would you enjoy watching a movie where absolutely nothing happened? No ups, no downs just a person sitting on their couch. Not much of a movie. Now imagine this person had an interesting character enter their life for a few months but then traveling on. Wouldn't that make the movie just a little bit more interesting? And following the main characters sorrow after the person left only to regain their happiness in some way add to the movie, not take away? I know the pain a cheating partner leaves behind. But I also know how that pain is replaced by the fantastic feeling of falling in love again. And I'd choose the pain over and over again if it meant moments of that fantastic feeling of falling and being in love. Nothing in life lasts forever. Things come to an end for different reasons. That's why we cherish the beautiful and happy moments so much.
No you seem to be in a misunderstandig. Incels hate women for a myriad of unfair reasons. You don't hate women you were just hurt by a partner. Her gender is not relevant and as long as you aren't turning into a misogynist over it there is no reason to call you an incel or something. Being too hurt and not wanting to date because it leaves you vulnerable is a completely fair trauma response to what was done to you. I am extremely sorry. You will probably find what you seek eventually. It is true that romance is not easy to find but it isn't a modern thing it just is a love thing, and people aren't settling for people they don't like out of convenience as often anymore. That's a good thing but it also means it takes more attempts to find someone you want for keeps.
You’re coming onto the internet to complain about the girl who cheated on you, as do most of the other guys whose girlfriends cheated on them. You know who doesn’t post on the internet about getting cheated on? All the guys that are not getting cheated on. That’s why you assumed people were going to tell you to touch grass, because you need to, and you know you need to. If you crumble under every bit of adversity, you’ll never succeed. That applies to dating and it applies to everything else you do in life.
If you keep running into issues with women...like habitually, then maybe and I mean this in the least shitty way: maybe you are the issue. Maybe you're not an incel but a bull: can't help but chase red flags.