Don't read into responses here or advice out from people that don't know both of you very intimately. There will be a lot of assumptions people will make that will influence how you look back on this. You know as much as you do. Perhaps, you can ask for closure from him.
From what you've mentioned though, sounds like he was communicating for the past 6 months. Whether it was more of "him" thing vs. a "you" or "you both" thing, we can't tell you.
Could be that he's not even being honest with himself. Or just afraid. Sounds like he's a bit lost in his life orders something missing and he is just feeling unhappy so is saying he isn't feeling it with you, doesn't like his job, maybe doesn't like where he's living,... Just trying to figure out what is missing. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong and maybe from his perspective he's not done anything wrong either and it's just a case of two people not working out forever. But you know what? You've got a 9-year relationship experience under your belt and in the last half year with a boyfriend who is clearly troubled you stuck by him and did right by him. These are valuable and admirable traits that you have shown. When you find a man you has these traits that can support you as you have supported your boyfriend then you will have found someone to be with. After your heart heals I hope that you can look back on the first 8 years of your relationship and remember to good memories you had.
Sometimes it’s kinder to not say anything until you’ve decided. Why inject that uncertainty and fear into something when you’ve not yet decided? This is no reflection on you. You’ve had a great time together and now it’s time to complete your relationship and move forward. Doesn’t mean it’s failed as long as you enjoyed your time and learned something. Heartbreak is agony but if it makes you feel any better millions of people around the world right now are going through it. Part of the human condition, if you’re lucky enough to experience love to begin with ❤️
The lying hurts the worst.
My partner of eight years (25m-27f)ended things similarly roughly. It will hurt, and take time, but it's doable. Takes time to trust again, to love again, but there are still good people out there.
Dated someone from 18 to 28. 10 years. They broke it off and were married a year later. It hurt extremely bad. I took my time. I eventually met someone. A better partner. At 38 I was married to someone I adore with two outstanding children. I took a long time to understand it, but it was for the best. I’m so thankful.
I think one thing to remember is that you are still 28! Many people get into their first relationships in their 30s, and so in a sense the world is your oyster. a new chapter is starting for you.
you mentioned 9 years, but truthfully in early 20s - its peoples formative years. I had no idea what I wanted when I was 20. Now in mid 30s, I look at the whole equation differently.
people grow, people change and it is most prone during your 20s. Good luck!
This is so true OP! I'm 39 and didn't find my lasting relationship until I was your age and still we had to work thru things and it was definitely not like any of my past relationships those were fun trial runs. I had to know myself first and seems may be that's what happened with bf?
You are right OP you have to work on any relationship BUT that takes both of you. It can't be one sided.
It's going to be hard to cope but you have to try to keep going and as a woman I know you want to hang in there. Maybe he'll come back? Maybe he's just thinking? He'll come back to me he's just lost right now! I know these are things you are probably running thru your head and may be you are right but that's for him to figure out. You HAVE to make sure you are worrying more about you!
Please make sure to eat please and shower and watch movies that make you laugh. Hell run around your home screaming your head off if it helps. Just don't lose yourself to the heartbreak ok.
You matter most OP!
This! The personality of many still changes in their twenties, and people might not feel happy in their existing relationships anymore. A breakup after so many years is certainly tough and will take time to process. To have something to look forward to, make a list of things you always wanted to do but didn't bc of being in a partnership, like travel with friends, pick up a new hobby, consider to move etc.
This is, unfortunately, very typical as you started dating when you were 19 and he was 22. You were, in fact, just kids learning what to do in life. People change a lot between 20 and 30. I believe it is difficult for you, but it is also difficult for him. You just have to let it go now.
The difficult period for him over the past six months could have been him grappling with the life changing and heartbreaking decision that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
Although it is awful and hurtful and terrible for you to go through this, I don’t see that he has done anything wrong. A long drawn out break up is not better than a clean break. If he has decided in his own head that the relationship is over then going to therapy is not going to help.
I’m sorry. I hope this wasn’t harsh. I just don’t see either of you to blame here, it’s just an awful experience.
Agree!! He didn't betray you, cheat on you, or abuse you or play any games. He fell out of love, which is so hard if it's not mutual. Trust me, I've been there. It's hard to believe now but you will find love again. And it will be even better!!
This nearly exact thing is happening to me as we speak and I (33f) and fiance (36m) were engaged to be married early next year and he pulled the rug from out beneath my feet after ten years. We were compatible and I thought, so in love that I couldn't have ever imagined this happening to me in any lifetime. He just texted me and said it's over. I can't give you any solid advice other than how I've been coping so far (it's only been 1 week) and its been anti-anxiety meds, sleeping tabs, surrounding myself with my support system, family & friends and I'm looking into therapy. All the plans we had in place are now up in the air and probably won't be happening and I don't know what to do with my life anymore....
Sending positive vibes x
Hey, I've been through this too and I just want both of you to know that even though it hurts so bad right know, you will get through it. Take care of yourself, ask for help if you need, but know that you will be ok.
I know it’s hard to start over, however, there is someone out there for you that will be a much better match. At 24 I thought I had the love of my life and then after 5 years, he decided to join the Peace Corps to “find himself”. He didn’t marry until he was 40 and it was a much younger woman. I met my future spouse at work 4 years later at 28 yrs. and we’ve been happily married for 36 years! Believe me the four years waiting were hard because I had my share of losers in some fashion or another - but it made me recognize and appreciate the gem that I found. I would also advise not living together before you get married, statistics are not in your favor for marriage - if that’s your goal. I might be old fashioned in this way and I’m sure others may disagree but it worked out much better for me. I feel your pain right now but it will get better, I promise.
Let him go. It’s easier now than if you were married with kids. He’s obviously going thru something and doesn’t have the maturity or intrapersonal skills to be able to communicate it. It’s not your job to make him happy or fix him. It’s your job to protect yourself and make sure you are happy and have a fulfilling life. Trust me. Let him go. It will be hard at first, but you will get over it. Otherwise you will spend a life time living on egg shells wondering if you’re doing enough to make him happy? Make him stay. We never know what the future holds and if you two were to go through something serious he wouldn’t be able to handle it and would bail the first chance.
It’s just not a good dynamic where you are working this hard to make him happy and he does nothing about your feelings. Get out now while you are still young.
Your saying the dude isn’t mature and lacks intrapersonal skills but maybe he’s doing exactly what your telling OP to due, protecting himself to make sure he’s happy and has a fulfilling life. We don’t know his side of the story, maybe he’s been miserable for years, you make him out to be the bad guy for possibly doing what’s best for him and his future.
He very well could have been miserable for years. Another reason why OP should let him go ! Life is too short for anyone to stay In A shitty situation.
I’m not trying to side with OP just saying I know what it’s like to work so hard to keep someone. It sucks. It really messes with your self esteem. I’m the end you end up separating anyway, even if it’s years later. Get out while you can. Maybe I’m just old
Amen. Just wrote the same before seeing this.
I feel like this is such a typical reddit thing, too. If you are taking the side of the creator, cheering them on and alike you get upvotes. If you criticise and suggest some self reflection you are downvoted.
But from reading a post, can we really draw conclusions that will be good? Unlikely. Especially between TWO people when we only get one-side of the story.
She is. She motivates me te keep going. We just went for a long walk on the beach. I love my dog to bits and would never ever not take the best care of her. He feels the same about her.
I know this is a really difficult time, but I would see about talking to a lawyer in regard to your house. Break ups a hard, when money is involved things get even harder. Be on the front foot.
Yeah basically. Some states have a law stating if you have been together x amount of years and its can be proven you are basically married in the eyes of the state. “Hood married” some call its. My mom had something like this when she and her bf split she was still paid out for some of the equity built in the house they bought together although her name not on the purchase.
Oof. Something similar happened to me a few months ago- also together a bit over 9 years, married for 7. Only difference- I’m 41. :P
It’s going to be a rough ride for a while. There will be a lot of unanswered questions. DO get a therapist- a lot of this will need talking through and as much as your friends and family love you, that isn’t their job. :P
You got this. One day at a time. Focus on building yourself a self and stable nest in life, whatever that means. Best of luck!
Honestly, at your age it’s a blessing. I never even got into a relationship with the right type of person until my thirties. Best advice I can give is write your ex off right away and work on YOU, get to know YOU. It’s a great time for personal growth, which can lead to you finding better relationships in the future.
Oh, OP, the grief you must be feeling. It's so easy for everyone to tell you that you are young and have a whole life ahead of you and that it gets better and the right guy is out there.
But right now you are in a grief stage and that's ok. It's gonna hurt and it's gonna be hard and you'll have to take your time loving yourself again. It's incredibly difficult to build a future and to dream with someone and then to have them just walk away like it meant nothing. You aren't alone, but please take the time to grieve this loss properly.
Beautiful empathetic person ❤️
I agree with your words wholeheartedly.
My addition, from my personal experience:
Grieve properly and feel all the feelings. But also try to find ways to give yourself breaks from the pain. Healthy moments of distractions.
When my ex broke up with me, I planned an entire vacation for myself (that I didn’t go on, just planned), I went to the botanical garden in my city every day and read about every single flower and plant that I could find. I started a new workout class. To have something else to put my focus in for small moments everyday (even though grief crept in during these moments as well) gave me much well needed moments of a little peace. Some small breaks from anxiety and sadness.
Also continuing to go to work and hanging out with other people was also fundamental for me not to dwell.
But the crucial part here is that I also let myself cry and feel like shit when I felt like shit. Which was a lot. To process feelings we need to feel them, and meet ourselves such as a comforting parent would soothe a sad child. Give yourself as much love and kindness as you can.
You will truly come out stronger from this. Much love to you.
Your (ex) boyfriend's situation sounds a lot like I'm situation I'm currently in. I also don't like my job which I've been working for 4 years, I'm facing a huge amount of pressure since I've recently graduated from university, and I just started seeing a woman for the first time in my life and I've been getting a ton of pressure from that as well because I realized being in a relationship requires a good amount of commitment and effort to make it work. I actually broke down 2 days away because of how overwhelmed I was and I also heavily considering cutting ties with this woman I'm seeing (who I really like btw) just to give myself some breathing room because mentality I was drowning big time.
My point is that it sounds like your ex ended it because he's like you said "lost" and he's trying to sort himself out. The mood changes is something I've personally experienced myself and for me it sounds like he has some conflicting feelings of being in a relationship/or not and just impulsively pulled the trigger on ending it.
I know you said that you've communicated with him and you tried to talk to him, but unfortantely you can't force people to change their minds. But I would say this isn't your fault so don't try and take it personally.
Use this as an opportunity to work on yourself. Hit the gym, get a new hobby. Get out there and learn a new language. Just better yourself in general. Time to become the best version of you possible.
I went through something very similar three years ago. We’d been together for amost 9 years and were engaged. Suddenly turned around and said he wasn’t feeling the relationship anymore - that was the only reason I got from him. I had been going through some personal challenges of my own in the lead up (but was working on them) and asking for a chance to work through things was denied instantly.
I initially thought he was depressed or something but I never really got an answer. He cut me off and that was it. I was forced to move on without having answers and in all honesty, putting myself first was the best thing I did for myself to move on and find myself again. Yes it was painful, yes it was the lowest I had been in my life but looking back I’m so glad it happened and I had my friends and family around me for support. I was so scared thinking I’d wasted my 20s (I was 27 at the time) but I was so wrong. Age doesn’t matter. I was just so grateful that I wasn’t married to him/didn’t have anything tying him to me.
Fast forward to now - I’ve only been able to accept the idea of getting into a relationship again in the last few months. Meanwhile he’s set to get married to the girl he told me not to worry about early on in our relationship next week.
Not saying it’s likely to be the same with you, but honestly just count your blessings and look after yourself. Put yourself first and do what makes you happy because at the end of the day you don’t need to lower your standards to be with someone who can drop you without a second thought. It may not seem like it now but I promise you with time, it WILL get better. Sending love x
I went through a similar situation about 18 months ago, we were together for 7 years, we lived together, on our way to purchasing our own home, of course like all relationships we had our rough patches, and we were in one, but i didnt truly understand how unhappy she was untill very recently
Essentually, the day she broke up with me started like any other day, we woke up, had a coffee together, she went to work, i was working from home, she called me on her lunch break, told me she loved me, 5:30pm comes around, she gets home and all of a sudden its "we need to talk, im not happy, i need to leave and think about everything"
Queue 2 weeks later of sleeping at my mates house and her at her sisters and we get together where she tells me we are done.. so trust me when i say, i empythise with you
Fast foward to now, im in a better spot financially, tho i am still living with my mum (i turn 31 in a couple of days) but if i reach my financial goal by the end of the year i should be able to afford my own home
Im in the best shape of my life after losing 20kg over the last year
I go to therepy every 3 -4 weeks as after the releatipnship ended i realised that i had put her up on a pedistal and i didnt know my own identity outside of the relationship, and those lessons are not only the hardest to learn, but the most valuble
This prosess wont be easy, but i encourgae you to seek out therepy and learn how to love yourself, learn that you can be inderpendent and be happy in your own skin and your own mind
My heart goes out to you, but things do get better
This sucks so bad. You could sit down with him and ask him directly what is wrong, and tell him that relationships do have ups and downs, and try your best to convince him to try therapy. Other than that there isn't much to do, really. Other than planning for what to do with the house. I don't understand why people just abandon a nine year relationship in such a manner.
I think everyone deserves to be loved fully without regrets.
You cant hold on to someone Who doesnt want to be with you anymore.
Stay in your own strength let him go and happyness will find you, it will take some time, it will Hurt and wont be easy, But when you look back maybe in 5 years with someone Who loves you the same way as you love him you are glad you let him go.
You’ll be fine.
Dude was with you since you guys were 22 and 19.
That’s still just a couple years off from technically being high school sweethearts which statistically almost never make it.
Some people just fall out of love, and unfortunately it doesn’t always happen at the same time for the other person to see/call it.
Just be glad there is no marriage/children baggage to worry about in this breakup, let alone cheating/family drama which are common.
It was a clean break to a long, seemingly good relationship. Be grateful for that even if breakups suck.
Even if it’s the last thing on your mind, don’t take the rebound relationships too serious unless you find a keeper. But either way you’ll be fine.
The fact you have been 9 years together without him proposing to you are evidence that he was never sure about you. He probably met some girl or started feeling like he is "missing out" on sleeping with other people. Good riddance, this man is not a man, just a coward little boy. He could have approached you months ago or whenever these feeling bubbled up but instead waited until he was mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship. I'm sorry but the relationship is over, go talk to a lawyer regarding your house. Idk why people buy homes when not married, but there are ways to fix that.
OP's ex-boyfriend sounds like the type who gets stuck in Thailand. He's probably going to quit or lose his job and won't even be able to afford the K1 process.
You had 9 years of happy life. Nothing is permanent and nothing lasts forever. If not now, then later. We feel betrayed because we expect things to last forever. But they never do, because they are not our things, they don't belong to us. Only our own choices and our own company belong to us. The rest is temporary, and will end one day. And if you had this in mind 9 years ago, you wouldn't feel betrayed now, only lucky to have those 9 years that many people don't get.
Recommended reading: anything by Seneca, maybe start with an [overview](https://dailystoic.com/seneca-overcoming-grief-facing-death-true-nature-life/) .
I was in my first relationship for 10 years, broke up at 23 years old and thought nobody would want me. I then was in another relationship for 12 years, got divorced at 35 with 2 kids and thought nobody would ever want me. Now with a beautiful man who was everything I was looking for. The first one is not always the right one.
I feel your pain, and if I knew how to cope, I would gladly pass along what I knew. But the only thing we can do is hold tight to ourselves and allow the storm to pass. The pain of a betrayal this deep will likely never go away, but it will become less sharp and distracting.
I've used mine to motivate myself to learn just who I really am, what's truly important to me, and how to protect my fragile peace going forward. I made the mistake of setting boundaries but not holding her to them and missing all the red flags I've missed my entire life. I didn't know myself well enough, either, and over the course of the relationship, I made easily avoidable mistakes. In the end, we're both to blame in our own ways, but I can only control how I come out of this and how I move forward.
It's vital to remember that we can not control how another person thinks and feels, and even the most stable, loving relationship can end in an instant. Your partner could wake up tomorrow and decide they're done with you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Our strongest relationship needs to be with ourselves, and we need to be our own source of happiness. Because as Dr. Seuss said, "Like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot."
It’s not on a whim. He’s thought about this for awhile and his dissatisfaction or “not feeling it” came from an internal dialogue he hasn’t shared with you until that moment. Chances are he felt this way for awhile he just.. didn’t know if it was really worth leaving and if he was really out of love.
Something very similar happened to me. I was engaged and in a relationship of 10 years. In the last year of our relationship he started working A LOT like 6-7 days a week. Making no time for me. We would watch tv for an hour a night and then he’d go play video games until he went to bed. He basically just gave up on me. He wasn’t interested in trying which really hurt. I was 27. I am now 30 and in a relationship with a good man. It fucking sucks now but it’s not the end…and what helped me close was when one of my parents friends pointed out that he must’ve not respected me if he wasn’t even willing to let me in on how he was feeling. So that helped me say fuck him and move on.
Ah don’t feel bad for dumping this LOSER at least yall don’t have kids or anything. I just saw my brother in law break up with his good girlfriend of 2+ years and I knew it was a horrible idea and I couldn’t stop him and yeah that was a dumb move dude and now fast forward 2 years almost starting to drop his attitude and admit his f up.
You say “he didnt even try to solve anything or talk to me” yet… you know he feels lost, he doesnt like his job and he wanted to travel.
Did he *actually* not communicate, or was he communicating in a way *you didnt like*?
He always said that he would never leave me, up until two days before he left me. I helped him apply to different jobs. He goes om holiday 8 times a year. Whenever our conversations became diffucult, he would say that he just didn't know and that he loved me. So idk.
Holiday 8 times a year? Are you talking about 1-2 day escapades like in the weekends?
I don't know any job that would allow holiday 8 times a year.
And if he goes on all of these holidays without you, that is also weird.
Sounds like he lies to himself first and then you. I would guess he’s really not trying to hurt you but he’s quite insecure and has a hard time communicating about his emotions. You deserve someone who is able to communicate about their emotions.
He told you he’d never leave you because he wasn’t ready or sure of breaking up.
Most likely he had been thinking about it for months or more, but ending a long relationship with a person that loves you and will be devastated for the breakup is incredibly tough and painful, nobody wants to break the heart of a person that loves them, those 6 months he was probably stressing to death because of the realization that he didn’t want to be with you anymore.
All that work bullshit or the other things he claimed to be stressing him, that wasn’t it. He just was stressed because he had to make probably the hardest decision of his life so far, which is breaking your heart.
Then one day he finally said enough is enough and told you everything.
I’ve been there, it isn’t easy.
Theres always worse. A work colleague a few years back was with this woman together for 12 years. While he was at work she told him shes going on a short roadtrip with 2 of his friends (that wasnt unusual as they all did things seperated from each other all the time). But like 3 days after not getting a single sign of life from her, when she returned she told him she slept with both his friends. Absolutely world crushing
That's just a whole different world of cruelty. OP's (ex)boyfriend hasn't handled the situation as well as you'd hope, but that story - well, that's the type of thing you don't even want to believe is possible.
Yeah, whats crazy is that that coworker took it extremely well given the curcumstances. My guess is he felt it coming and that the relationship was going downhill for a while because if he was all in on her thats soul crushing
Only on of the two was his friend, the other one was her friend afaik. And yeah wasnt close like best friends but close enough to be going out partying every other weekend so still crazy to betray someone you see regularly like that. Especially since they all knew she was with him
So sorry this has happened. That's really shitty of him to lead you on like that. All you can really do is pick yourself up, learn from it and find a guy who is 100% commited to you.
How do you cope… good question.
For me it’s just one day at a time. I’m 33M and my (ex)girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me 8 weeks ago for same reason pretty much. Anyway, I digress. This is not about me but about how do you cope.
Please be kind to yourself and love yourself. Take this time to heal, and focus on you. It’s not easy, but you will grow stronger with time and patience and care. Stronger mentally, stronger emotionally, better equipped to deal with your new reality.
You’re still young, do things for yourself you haven’t been able to while together with your ex. Maybe therapy can help you find ways to cope better as well. It’s okay to cry and be sad, you are human after all.
But please keep your head up and believe in your ability to be happy again someday. I believe you will find happiness again too.
Thank you.
It still hurts, I’m still trying to cope. Part of me is excited for my future. Another part of me is still stuck in the past, as I am unable to move out of the shared housing we have at the moment. Big factor in my inability to move on completely…
Seeing your post remind me though that these things happen to many people, not just me or you. You are not alone, neither am I. Talking or writing your thoughts and feelings can help too. Just trying to not be stuck in my head about it helps a lot too.
I hope this has helped you as much as it’s helped me. We both deserve happiness in our lives.
I met the love of my life when I was 54 after a lifetime of poor choices. Don’t give up. Until you meet that person, you are allowed to enjoy the ride.
Same happened to me 27 and 30. You will be fine and you’ll meet alot of amazing people along the way! I’m still single but he’s unhappily married with a kid and I’m blissfully single holding out for my not so perfect person
We have almost the same situation 3 yrs. ago. I was also 28 that time when we broke up (9 yrs. together too). As for me, he cheated while I was away for the first time (a year abroad) and the worst part was he got the girl pregnant. Anyways, you have to talk to him for closure for your peace of mind. Honestly, moving on wasn't really easy but you just have to think that everything happens for a reason.
It happens to early long term relationships quite frequently unfortunately, the bad thing is the guy is not interested to do his part and solve it. That's not your fault, just make sure to have your family and friends support, if you feel that it's hard to get over it look for therapy. If you love him leave him be, the sooner he understands that you moved on the sooner he will regret his decision and try to reverse the damage he's done, just don't make a mistake — don't let him into your life again.
Hey, I feel I can give am insight because I have been on the other side of this.
I left my gf after 8 years, we are both 30 now.
I preface this by saying that I still lover her, even after a year of separation.
I realized we we're just not compatible. We both wanted kids and a house. I tried communicating that I needed some more time to finish my education before I was ready to settle down. She said she understood and "accepted" my argument.
In reality she didn't. She was being pushy, which resulted in a lot of small fights, I started resenting her.
While I wanted harmony, kinda mentally preparing to have a kid, she pushed for conflict, disrespecting my boundaries.
Of course your situation is probably different, but I feel like this just happens too often. Feeling are being ifnored, opinions discarded until it is too late. the rift too great.
I dont't want to say it's your fault, it surely isn't. you need 2 to tango. things get lost in translation and resentment will fester.
My honest opinion: If it's meant to be, it will happen.
If you are too far apart, it won't and you should move on.
Just take it from someone on the other side, he can still love you, but think that, logically, your relationship was not what he needs.
Some guys are just like that. Reading this, I reflect on a couple of my past relationships where after a year, I just wasn’t feeling it and I was tired of doing social events and spending money and time with the person I was with. Every weekend I wanted to myself, now knowing I had to waste it with someone else made me feel more tired cause I work so much. The social pressure and the feeling of guilt because the other person did absolutely nothing wrong. The thought of convenience of being alone often trumps the thought of being in a relationship. I’m sorry this guy took 9 years to finally break things off. I don’t think he necessarily has someone lined up or is cheating. It’s easy to always chalk that up to be the reason. But it’s always a possibility. You should focus on hobbies and get your mind off of it for a while. It’s easier said than done 😭
I know it’s difficult, but try your best to move on. You deserve unconditional love, and this person sounds like they don’t know what they want, and with who.
Hang in there, it sounds like he will snap out of it. Don't follow advice here that's based on impulse and quick judgment. Also try and refund that trip 😕
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but naaah, feelings don't fade a bit back and forth if it's the one. You might get mad at each other, feel irritated with each other, not be on the same page for some time, need counselling etc., but the feelings don't fade and come back if it's a forever commitment in each others heart of hearts.
You're 9 years in, no kids etc. In a lifetime commitment scenario, this should be the easy flow time. You know each other intrinsically at this point, act as a unit, worked out most major hiccups that prohibit longterm stability.
Kids magnify ANY issues tenfold, it's a natural progression since the beginning of time. You probably dodged an even more painful bullet here, OP. Keep this in mind if/ when he crawls back after realising how awesome you are.
These things are hard, and we always want to understand why…but the truth is - the why doesn’t really matter. If he doesn’t want to be with you the way you want him to, he should go. For you as much as for him. There is nothing wrong with you, and he is giving you the gift of the time and space to find someone who wants you in the way you want. I feel for you OP, but you will get through it. Try to grieve the relationship you had but maintain boundaries with the ex so you can be open to finding the life you want with someone else.
I really feel for you.
Funnily enough, I'm going through the exact same thing. 9 years together, similar ages, 6 months of depressive distance but with loving connection when together, and he hates his job. However, I have been lucky enough to get more substantial answers out of my partner.
I have no idea if any of this resonates with your situation but this is what my boyfriend told me. He feels disconnected from himself and what he wants, and he feels as though he doesn't know who he is without me. He needs space to figure out himself outside of the confines of a relationship.
At first this just felt like insane bullshit. However, after a bit of time I am slowly understanding what he means because his leaving me also gives me those freedoms.
My suggestion to you is to think about the small sacrifices that you were happy to make because you loved him and give those things back to yourself.
I know how painful it is because I'm going through that same pain. But, you can get through this. You may not end up with the life you have been planning and expecting but you can still end up with a beautiful one.
OP you deserve to have someone that will at least talk to you and won’t just flip an emotional switch in 1-2 days without any warning signs, that is not healthy behavior and I can’t imagine living like that. Even if you and him “fix” things you will have to live with the fear of this happening again in the future, you deserve much better then that and I’m sorry your ex boyfriend is to immature and weak to give you the closure you want from such a spontaneous relationship ending. That makes me irrationally angry honestly.
I’d say approach him and say “listen no matter how much you think it may hurt me I want you to be completely honest and say to me exactly why you no longer want to be in a relationship?” Get some true awareness and hopefully closure
This is why you don't cohabitate and make big purchases with boyfriends and girlfriends. You find someone to marry, someone you know is faithful, monogamous, doesn't have the itch to have different and new sexual experiences.
Nine years at your age means very little opportunity to explore other relationships. Nine years also means the thrill is not the same as it was in the beginning and he may be craving that magical euphoria which is normal.
He’s also young and probably immature enough to think his current relationship is the reason he’s not happy.
Unfortunately you had no way of knowing any of this when you fell in love when you were still a teenager.
His sudden behaviour change also smells like he’s become infatuated with someone else. And his hot and cold is a sign of his internal conflict about that.
There’s nothing you can or should do. You do not want to salvage a relationship. You want to be with a person who chooses you. Let him go. Grieve and move on with your life. If he realises the grass isn’t greener out there and you’re still willing to discuss it, fine. But atm you need to let him go. And maybe you’ll realise there’s someone better for you out there anyway x
Could be a mental health thing he's going through. I broke up with my gf if 6 years during a long, slowly developing bipolar episode and 2020 and still regret it and weep about it to this day. Dumbest thing ive ever done wish I had gotten medicated sooner.
My partner and I have been together for 9-years (10 this November), and your bfs behaviour is odd indeed. The fire does fade, but it rarely goes out entirely. I feel he has motives; either he is cheating or wants to cheat.
Best of luck navigating this bump; hopefully it's something simple that can be overcome 🙂
he's depressed and will probably become worse. Work satisfaction is important in my perspective. Many people hate their job and everyone has an ugly life honestly but they just do it. I do see myself get depressed when this happens but ultimately it's all about emotional maturity. He's not mature yet even if he is 31, trust me. If he were he'd understand that there's a time and place for everything. He can't mix his displeasure with life into everything else. When I get depressed I talk my emotions with my woman. She hears me. And that's it. I don't need to see her as a punching bag. I let go because when I enter the door to our apartment, that is our sanctuary. We can bi-ch and moan about our jobs (she's a nurse) and move on to the reason why we are together.
Take all of this "with a grain of salt" because I know many people are too sensitive to how I say things. You might get into your own head and have thoughts that are just assumptions. If you need to ask questions, ask him. But if you think you can trust your intuition then I suggest is best you move on.
Some people might also think, well you chose wrong. That ain't it. Everyone individually has their own path to follow. We can't tell people what path they should take. Sometimes that means moving apart. You gotta be keen about who you pick for your partner. I wish most humans would think the way I think, it would be easier. But I wish you luck on your future relationships.
PS the last part about feeling sad and lonely reminds me of a book titled Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. The protagonist had a life long friend. They enjoyed each others company very much. They even escaped together and had adventures. But one day Siddhartha needed to choose his path, his destiny. And he understood that his destiny would cost his friendship, for that path would not be shared together. It hurt him to leave his side but it's a feeling you can acknowledge. You must move on. As Buddhists like to say, you can stay sad or you can stop being sad. Sometimes going to gym for example, just requires you to tell yourself to move. It may seem hard but you just have to do it. Tell yourself to put one foot forward and move on. It really is - the only way.
Life is complicated. I know what he did is bad and inconsiderate, though you don’t know the demons in his head right now. I’ve been there like him. It might be a self destruct. I know it’s hard for you right now. Time heals all wounds, just live your life.
I'm going through this exact same situation myself right now. I (34m) have been with my s/o (30f) for 11 years at this point. We got together young and fell hard fast. She moved into my apartment less than a month in and have been together ever since. We moved around a lot and always had roommate or family drama getting in between us. We did want kids but marriage wasn't something I necessarily cared for even thought that's something I knew she always wanted. She just never pushed me about it.
Once we finally settled in with no other roommates or family, just the two of us, the years just flew by. This was right around the start of the pandemic. We enjoyed spending all our time together going on trips and just experiencing life together. I always took care of the bills and stuff and didn't care what she wanted to do. We've always both been very passive people so that definitely played a part in not pushing each other to do better. About a year ago she decided she wanted to start doing better for us and went back school. This came out of nowhere for me because she didn't know how I'd react to her wanting to move to go back to school. At this point it isn't easy for me to relocate from where I am living currently. This was about 2 hours away in another town and this was the first time we were away from each other this long.
Not really sure when my mind started changing but this just helped me see things from a different perspective. I've realized I wasn't as happy as I thought I was.
We had problems from both sides with cheating but we worked through them and that was years ago. Maybe there are still some unresolved issues there but I don't really think about out it all that much anymore anyway.
I've felt lost living where I do but I like my primary job. I also take care of my mother as her care giver so that's always something I have to deal with daily which might be playing a part in it. Never felt like a good time to start a family when I have these extra responsibilities already.
I still love her but I felt like she'd be doing so much better for herself without me. I have felt like we've wasted so much of our 20s with a bunch of bs. Once our dog passed back in November of '23, I think that was the tipping point for me. He was pretty much our child, we had him the whole time we've been together. I just felt more distant and even still have some bad days of depression.
I'm still not really sure how all this came about but, yeah, I guess I just wasn't feeling it anymore. It definitely didn't just come up out of nowhere though. We've tried talking though it over the past few months when I just felt like we started going in different directions. I feel like a shitty person for wasting so many of her years but we're both still on the youngish side. It's hard letting go and starting over but I just take it a day at a time right now.
I have a feeling that you two are likely not in tune with each other. It’s clear to me just from your post that he was checked out a while ago and you had no clue. This is why it feels like he sprung this on you when in fact he didn’t. Wanting to spend more time alone without you is a huge red flag that he is stepping out of the relationship emotionally. Of course within a relationship it’s ok to spend time alone or with your own friends but this seemed different from what you wrote. Taking a trip without you is a little odd. 9 years is a lot to give up but you can’t stay in a relationship because of sunk cost fallacy. I think he likely stayed longer than he wanted because of this. I know it’s hard but try not to take this too personally. He could have communicated with you more. Time to move on and work on yourself.
At least there’s no kids man.
This sucks and I can’t imagine how blindsided you feel, hopefully this is a blessing in disguise. And if he’s “not feeling it” sounds like it is. Best of luck OP.
I’m sorry. I know you are confused and hurt. Please take care of yourself. This is not about you, and it is not how mature people end relationships. Sending you strength and positive energy.
Bro is depressed and for whatever reason doesn't think he can work on the relationship right now. Move on, get your bearings, and find someone who's in a better mental state who can put work into the relationship. Stay cordial with the ex, but don't expect to be good friends or for him to come back. He needs to go though his own trials and when he's done, he'll be in a position to find a relationship that works for him. You do you.
A lot of development still goes on in your 20s. Thats where you become who you'll eventually be. That means a lot of stuff changes and it obviously effects goals, dreams and relationships.
Regarding your question how he could just throw it away: he was probably already checked out for a while. Usually the thought of breaking up comes up a few months in advance. During that time he came to the realization that you two arent going to work out. That may also mean that he gets over the breakup more quickly now because he's already had time to process it for months unlike you.
Take time for yourself and let yourseld grief. Let out the feelings, cry like your world is ending. Buy some nice shit you have always wanted. Its ok to feel like shit because thats how you slowly heal. Dont push the feelings away and distract you, it will eventually catch you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s gonna suck for a whole. Focus on yourself and not him; whatever his reasons are or if he will come around doesn’t matter. Try to take good care of yourself physically and mentally OP.
I feel you. M31 here. My gf F30 left me after 6 years of relationship. Reason: she is not feeling like.
First she wanted a BREAK so that she can try to miss me
Eventually I understood that I am just wasting my time waiting for her return. It ended after 2 months of BREAK.
I wanted to say a lot of things how can the feelings vanish just like that, but felt it would not lead anywhere.
My advice to you: take your time to cool off, try doing things you like(vacation or some hobby), and go into the dating thing again. It's going to be much different doing it after this long relationship. Everything looks new and changed. But being a female, you might not have to try too hard for it(atleast you'll get some likes on the dating apps).
I had a difficult breakup at 31 (after an 11y relationship). But I learned a lot about myself in the process. I learned I was actually a different person than I thought. My previous partner's expectations and assumptions had framed my idea of who I was. So the breakup was an important though painful growth experience.
I'm happier and much more fully realised now .
The more invested in a relationship one is the harder it is to pull away...at 10 years many relationships I've known end their course for what ever reason...if his thinking is volatile it's probably harder to save whats left of the relationship...I would start making other plans while still working on this one....
My ex broke up with me when I was 31. We had been together since we were 18. It ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me! I absolutely loved being single, discovered so much about myself, traveled, did all the things he never wanted to do, and loved every second of it! I met my now-husband when I was 33 (just turned 38) and he is the best partner I could ever dream of having. I know how hard this will be at first, but you should be excited for the endless possibilities in your future!
He probably mourned the end of the relationship in those 6 months. So while the pain is very fresh and unexpected for you, he’s effectively gotten over it already. I know it really sucks. My past relationship wasn’t as long as yours, but my ex also became more distant in the last 6 months of our relationship; he later told me that he had fallen out of love with me much earlier into the relationship. I’m assuming my ex also was mentally preparing to leave in those months while I was none the wiser.
Sounds like boyfriend has someone else on the side. Leave his ass he doesn’t deserve you, how the fuck he cancels holiday a day before he must think little of you.
Just accept it.
Sucks, but it is what it is. I had a similar thing happen at a younger age. Sometimes, people just change.
Could be depression, could be guilt, could be viewing themselves or you as an anchor, could be a lot of things. But at the end of the day, the more you think and worry about those could be's, the more of your time you're throwing away on something that most likely won't ever be the same.
This is sad but you will be okay.
There are many reasons that he could have changed his mind but you’ll probably never get a 100% true answer from him.
Don’t fight for something he has no interest in saving. Focus on you, start living your best life.
Smells like midlife crisis.
I’m willing to bet he’s got a lot going on in his head and isn’t fully convinced he wanted to do life without you but didn’t want to say it in case it turns out you’re as good as it gets for him and by sharing with you, you get pissed and leave (effectively taking away his ability to choose).
If you want him and feel he’s worth the fight, chase him. If you don’t care, move along.
I just went through this with my girlfriend of 5 years. I can't say anything helped me cope with the loss. But focusing on myself by trying to further my education and going to the gym helped ease the pain over time. I'm sorry you had to go through this. The bright side to all this is that it's better to have happened in 9 years than 20!
His mood seems to go up and down. He clearly is feeling unhappy with things and requires change. You might have been an excellent partner to him which is why he might have been so hesitant to let you go. But you know what? Sometimes it’s best to let go, regardless of trying and trying and trying.
Instead of asking what he wants all the time, it’s time for you to ask yourself what you want. You might be happy with your dog, job and house. Keep the things you do want. Leave everything else. Time for new chances and opportunities. When I went through my last breakup I kind of compared it to growing from a caterpillar into a butterfly, but the cocoon stage is just so ugly and awkward sometimes. Yet, it’s the most important part in the transformation. X
Does he have a lot of single male friends? From a male perspective to me, based on what you've said, it seems like he wants freedom and let loose with any worries.
For a lot of guys getting into a relationship that early on and be tied down for 9 years can't handle it, especially if they're around a lot of people who aren't. The reason being, is that, you're always in that back of their mind and their perspective of things changes when going out and holidays etc. Every action he does always comes back to 'What if my partner doesn't like it' or 'I'm going to have to tell her about this'. It's just too much to handle and feels restrictive.
With the addition of him not liking his job he probably feels like there's no room to breathe and *true* personal space.
Don't get me wrong there are also a lot of guys who are happy enough to get into a relationship early on in life and stay with their partner forever without any issues. I have a few friends like this. It's down to personality/priorities probably.
Again this is my point of view so I could be completely wrong, but the best thing to do before the relationship gets even more serious like kids/marriage etc is to move on.
Out of curiosity, is he still going to Thailand? He clearly wants to 'sow his oats'. I'd just let him go. You can now find someone more mature. Perhaps one day he will look back and be sorry for how he handled things. For now, it's all about you, girl. Focus on yourself and let him handle himself.
Yes he is still palnning on going and so am I. We're going to have a lovely flight :') I hope he will realise some day that what we have was a great thing to have. We habe the same outviews on life, politics, we have the same long term goals. Except that he wants everything immediately and I am willing to save up before making major changes in my life.
He was so obviously cheating on you.
This took me 2 seconds to figure out based on this info. He wasn't lost or needed to travel, he was spending time with somebody else and is doing a classic relationship hop.
He felt the grass was greener on the other side, and wasn't 100% to take the jump over.
He still wanted to keep holding onto you incase his new relationship failed or he found something wrong about her.
His new girl most likely didn't want him to go on that vacation with you and told him to break up with you, that's why it happened so suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere. He was barely in a relationship with you, scared he would be left with nothing so was hedging his bets. Now he's made his decision to be with other person and dropped the bomb quickly and through text as to not drag it on.
I've seen this dozens of times, I guarantee this is what happened. Do not mourn him.
Relationship is something that requiers constant work. Don’t give up just like that because there is big possibility that you’ll find someone new and it will happen again. Ppl these days are letting go their relationships to easily. If there is no other stuff happening than described, you should see what is going on with him.
>I gave him all the space he needed, he went away went friends or alone.
He went somewhere to bone some other person that is not you.
He said you are not enough to be in a relationship with, pull your self respect together and kick him to the streets. The house will force you to deal with each other for the next few months but then take yor self respect and diginity and walk away. Don't be surprised when 5 months down the road he is begging for you back And if he does that, don't go back, he showed you who he is.
sounds like he just did it out of the blue, sit back, dont beg or plead with him to come back. It sounds like it was a pretty good relationship. He could come back, he could not, just shitty how it sounded towards the end
Good riddance if he dumped you and moved on like that, but you have to check if he’s okay mentally. It’s a pretty common way to save your close one’s from hurting by pushing them away when planning to harm yourself
>If I asked him to spent some time with me, he got angry with me.
Refusing and getting angry with your girlfriend 🤔 I would say the difference here, speaks alot
>We bought our home together one year ago. We also have a dog together.
9 years, a home together... Makes sense, but after 9 years you guys are not married yet?
>I tried to talk to him because I feel therapy might help us communicate. But he doesn't want to.
Are you sure this relationship wasn't already done way before?
I genuinely don’t feel people on Reddit are qualified to handle complex relationship questions like this. You’re going to receive a lot of conflicting advice from people who do not know all of the details. I’d highly encourage relationship counseling for the two of you.
He should give you definite answers, even if just for closure. 9 years means a lot and I think he had something going on in his head and communication fell short. It happens, but you deserve closure
First and foremost, take care of yourself! I'm not sure what kind of mental state you're in ATM, but I assume you might feel shocked or deeply hurt. This might cause some new wounds (or reopen old ones) in how you feel about yourself, and those wounds are going to need tending to. Start with the most physical basics of food, water, your sleep/rest environment, and then work through there. I really hope your self-esteem isn't impacted. The kind of decision your ex made feels out of the blue and it doesn't seem worth to try and attach his decision to some fundamental part of yourself.
It is hard now but, it is for the best. I married at 25. We separated at 46. My world was shattered and I would have checked out if it weren’t for my kids. Find yourself and love yourself first. Learn from this experience, set healthy boundaries and know who deserves a seat at your table.
Speaking as someone who has been through the same thing only it was 7 years and a bumpy road, I am responsible for the same actions you've highlighted.
You're right in saying it's a matter of maturity. I'm incredibly lucky to still have my best friend, but I let very deep issues of my "self" manifest in a way that led to the outcome. My lack of communication and unwillingness to be truly vulnerable were big issues for me.
We both had issues - but so does literally every single person on the planet. We went to therapy, we tried, she tried harder, I lost myself and gave up.
There is no good reason, there is just reason.
I reflect on how I acted - often - and I'm very, very aware of making sure I treat others better than I have.
Now isn't the time to find an answer, now is the time to be sad and feel how you feel. When you're ready, the answers will come from yourself. If you do have any questions of my perspective, if it offers any consolation or ease or sense of grounding, please feel free to ask anything you want however you'd like to.
OH and no matter what: always take care of your self - brush your teeth and wash behind your ears. Lapses in self care are more destructive than what you're pushing through, if you let them take hold.
Some men bail when decisions like buying a house together or a pregnancy appears.
You will cope bc you must, life sometimes breaks your heart. I wish you well. Your next relationship will be amazing!
Embrace this. You have no idea how much this is going to expand your life. I was divorced in my twenties, and oh my God, has it been a wild and amazing ride.
I'm so grateful I didn't stay in that marriage. You will grow so much and you will love it.
It's scary at first, but I promise that you've got this!
I am sorry you are going through this pain. I obviously don’t know your boyfriend and can’t speak to his reasoning but I can tell you this: you will get through this. My husband walked out after 15 years. I was completely blindsided. We never fought and seemed so happy together. I truly didn’t think I would get through it, but I did. Not only did I get through it but found out I am so much stronger than I knew and know I can face anything life throws at me. On top of that I am now in my 40s and found the love of my life. What helped me was developing strong friendships and keeping busy.
I’m going through a similar ordeal. You are not alone.
My wife (together for 12 years) was having an affair with her boss.
Not how I was expecting to begin my 30’s.
My 2c: If you’re unhappy in your career, what you spend the majority of your time doing, you’re going to be unhappy in the rest of your life too. I needed to fix that before my relationship improved. Sounds like what he’s going through.
9 years and no ring, means you were always a placeholder, sorry to say. He may well have found someone else / developed a crush. Whatever you do, do not let him back into your life. Clean break is the way.
there are so many things that i could say. i went through something somewhat similar (started dating someone at 19, it ended at 27, under similar circumstances to you). i’ll keep it short-ish. 28 is a good age… no really it is. at 28 you’re vital, young, but still mature in a lot of ways that matter. and the pain… it sucks… but you really WILL get through it. i know that it doesn’t seem possible right now …i get it… but i promise that every single day it will get the tiniest bit better until it snowballs into you feeling really good… so you need to remind yourself of that every day until you get there. take solace in silly things at first - small distractions and escapes. everything will remind you of him at first, but that WILL fade. take comfort in friends, family… do things that bring you small bits of joy, whether it’s walks outside, tv shows, games, time out with friends…whatever you need. baby steps until you get to the point where you can breathe again. again… you WILL get there.
Just going off your side of the story, it’s not really you. Sounds like he’s dealing with some serious burnout at work with a healthy dose of depression and mid life crisis kicking in. The wanting to travel or change things up, or taking higher risks to feel happy are usually some pretty good signs of it.
Think of it like the end of the Groundhog Day movie where Bill Murray gets to where he hates living in the same routine. He doesn’t necessarily hate anyone he just hates feeling stuck with doing the same thing.
The only best thing you can do now is accept it and move on quicker than him. Trust me he'll be back in no time. And watch No contact Lucia on YouTube. She is a game changer.
This happened with my ex-wife(20 yr relationship).. Feel sorry for you but it will get better. 🙂
Im just like you, relationships go up and down. It's just that you need to be there for each other and keep going. But sometimes Life happens.
I thought i wouldnt get over my wife, but I know i will have it better soon enough. She hasnt been good to me for yrs but I tried everything, 3 months ago the divorce was a fact, she still seems to hesitate, i don't care, it wont be us 2 any time soon. She destroyed my loyalty to her and trust.
I'm not going to give you advice on your relationship as Idk all the ins and outs of what happened over the 9 years. But to cope and help you heal I can help.
1 separation is part of life, it's going to happen sometimes but that doesn't mean you stop trusting that you'll end up with someone for life eventually. Look for the lessons in the relationship what was ok to you and not what u liked and didn't how you changed through it and learn from reflecting on it.
2 if you're solo be sad for like 2-3 days then go hike go workout get hella healthy and fit. Make better food choices and work on yourself.
3 dive into a hobby you haven't tried before. Doing something new that you have interest in can take your mind off the "bad" for hours at a time. Plus u may meet someone who also does the hobby or likes to workout or hike or whatever. But just don't sit inside and be sad and wonder what you did.
4 don't go run and talk shit about him to your friends. If you do work things out but you've gone and expressed your anger and emotions to your friends and say things you maybe shouldn't have it can bite you in the ass later.
You know.. sometimes its good when our world is small, because when we sneak outside we realize all the other things to experience and we lose track of the small things we've achieved so far and whats meaningful to us.
I bet thats what happened to him
He probably has thought it over many times. For past some months, he was trying to distance himself from you. And good sex can be just lust. Move on. He decided to f3ck you right before breaking up instead of just breaking up. That is almost a red flag there. Move on. It might take time. But then you will come out stronger girl.
I feel you sister. Been there and still there. Heartbreak is intense. It’s a whirlwind of emotions especially when you are the one being broken up with. It really doesn’t make sense and that’s ok. Sometimes it may never will. You have to be ok with that. This is coming from someone who is still lowkey heartbroken a year and half later. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it will be easy. There will be days when you just cry your eyes out, you may even find yourself angry. Sit with those uneasy feelings. Remember, these are normal responses even if you may not feel “normal” (esp crying in public). Just don’t act on impulsivity and do something you will regret . Slowly, as time passes you will hurt less and less. The first 2-5 months will be terrible. Spend time with yourself. Do things you love. You’ll see eventually, the thought of him will phase out of your mind. You may even find yourself disgusted by him (or maybe that’s only me 😅). You’ll be ok. I know it’s devestaing rn. Make sure to find closure. Gather your thoughts and questions. Based off what you’ve shared, and my opinion; he was checked out 6 months ago. He just didn’t have the balls to tell you and just held on. He also might have just wanted the sex part. Men can be very selfish and he certainly was with you. Depending on your relationship, he may even want you back after a while. Stay strong. Especially after you’ve taken time for yourself to reflect and see what you want. Now it’s your turn to be selfish. Figure out what you want. Heartbreak is imperative to our human nature. Good luck ✨. You got this. I believe in you. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk to.
Sincerely,
A heartbroken gal ❤️
I am from Greece and I have to tell you girl that this is how men are if they want to leave they will show cruelty. Instead of saying happy birthday, he broke up with you. I will tell you now that he was probably preparing it for a long time, his actions show this and he didn't want to tell you until he was sure about it and he was calming you down and telling you that he loves you. Unfortunately, he was a hypocrite and a liar. Touch
Don't do anything leave him alone get away from him don't talk to him don't pressure him let him think and maybe he will come back and tell you what happened. Get a lawyer and arrange for your house who will take it and move on with your life. We've all done this.
Boyfriend for 9 years?!? If a guy won’t commit after 4-5 years MAX it’s best to move on because he’s gonna pull some shit exactly like this. And this is coming from a guy
I would ask if he is seeing someone else? Get that out of the way first. If he is then you know why after 9 years that he is calling it quits. If he is not, then find out what changed with you or with him. More then likly, he is feeling like he just isn't filling is commitment to you and helping with the rent or costs of rent and utitalites. It is very harmful for a man to loose their job and then they look and can't fine another one. I know that what happened with me was when I lost my job, I looked for another but I didn't have the necessary credentials for many positions. So what happened was I started getting off the road and went to my local bar and started drinking more and more. I would just make up stories to tell my wife.
He sounds like he may be depressed. Depression can trick your brain into all sorts of things. If he really did permanently throw away the relationship, that’s just sad and I’m sorry you’re going through this big of a loss. It’s not fair and I hope you are okay.
Don't read into responses here or advice out from people that don't know both of you very intimately. There will be a lot of assumptions people will make that will influence how you look back on this. You know as much as you do. Perhaps, you can ask for closure from him. From what you've mentioned though, sounds like he was communicating for the past 6 months. Whether it was more of "him" thing vs. a "you" or "you both" thing, we can't tell you.
This is correct, I have a lot of assumptions on why.
It hurts, but it won’t be a whim for him. He’s almost certainly been considering this and weighing it up for quite a while. You can get through this.
I guess you're right, still wish he couldve been honest with me.
Could be that he's not even being honest with himself. Or just afraid. Sounds like he's a bit lost in his life orders something missing and he is just feeling unhappy so is saying he isn't feeling it with you, doesn't like his job, maybe doesn't like where he's living,... Just trying to figure out what is missing. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong and maybe from his perspective he's not done anything wrong either and it's just a case of two people not working out forever. But you know what? You've got a 9-year relationship experience under your belt and in the last half year with a boyfriend who is clearly troubled you stuck by him and did right by him. These are valuable and admirable traits that you have shown. When you find a man you has these traits that can support you as you have supported your boyfriend then you will have found someone to be with. After your heart heals I hope that you can look back on the first 8 years of your relationship and remember to good memories you had.
Sometimes it’s kinder to not say anything until you’ve decided. Why inject that uncertainty and fear into something when you’ve not yet decided? This is no reflection on you. You’ve had a great time together and now it’s time to complete your relationship and move forward. Doesn’t mean it’s failed as long as you enjoyed your time and learned something. Heartbreak is agony but if it makes you feel any better millions of people around the world right now are going through it. Part of the human condition, if you’re lucky enough to experience love to begin with ❤️
I needed to see this – I am the guy experiencing uncertainty and fear...
I wouldn't be surprised if he changes his mind later. It's worth preparing for.
The lying hurts the worst. My partner of eight years (25m-27f)ended things similarly roughly. It will hurt, and take time, but it's doable. Takes time to trust again, to love again, but there are still good people out there.
Dated someone from 18 to 28. 10 years. They broke it off and were married a year later. It hurt extremely bad. I took my time. I eventually met someone. A better partner. At 38 I was married to someone I adore with two outstanding children. I took a long time to understand it, but it was for the best. I’m so thankful.
I think one thing to remember is that you are still 28! Many people get into their first relationships in their 30s, and so in a sense the world is your oyster. a new chapter is starting for you. you mentioned 9 years, but truthfully in early 20s - its peoples formative years. I had no idea what I wanted when I was 20. Now in mid 30s, I look at the whole equation differently. people grow, people change and it is most prone during your 20s. Good luck!
This is so true OP! I'm 39 and didn't find my lasting relationship until I was your age and still we had to work thru things and it was definitely not like any of my past relationships those were fun trial runs. I had to know myself first and seems may be that's what happened with bf? You are right OP you have to work on any relationship BUT that takes both of you. It can't be one sided. It's going to be hard to cope but you have to try to keep going and as a woman I know you want to hang in there. Maybe he'll come back? Maybe he's just thinking? He'll come back to me he's just lost right now! I know these are things you are probably running thru your head and may be you are right but that's for him to figure out. You HAVE to make sure you are worrying more about you! Please make sure to eat please and shower and watch movies that make you laugh. Hell run around your home screaming your head off if it helps. Just don't lose yourself to the heartbreak ok. You matter most OP!
This! The personality of many still changes in their twenties, and people might not feel happy in their existing relationships anymore. A breakup after so many years is certainly tough and will take time to process. To have something to look forward to, make a list of things you always wanted to do but didn't bc of being in a partnership, like travel with friends, pick up a new hobby, consider to move etc.
That may be true for some, but other people are settled in their 20s and then it's a disappointment if others aren't ready yet.
This is, unfortunately, very typical as you started dating when you were 19 and he was 22. You were, in fact, just kids learning what to do in life. People change a lot between 20 and 30. I believe it is difficult for you, but it is also difficult for him. You just have to let it go now.
The difficult period for him over the past six months could have been him grappling with the life changing and heartbreaking decision that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Although it is awful and hurtful and terrible for you to go through this, I don’t see that he has done anything wrong. A long drawn out break up is not better than a clean break. If he has decided in his own head that the relationship is over then going to therapy is not going to help. I’m sorry. I hope this wasn’t harsh. I just don’t see either of you to blame here, it’s just an awful experience.
Agree!! He didn't betray you, cheat on you, or abuse you or play any games. He fell out of love, which is so hard if it's not mutual. Trust me, I've been there. It's hard to believe now but you will find love again. And it will be even better!!
Most nuanced post on this sub
This nearly exact thing is happening to me as we speak and I (33f) and fiance (36m) were engaged to be married early next year and he pulled the rug from out beneath my feet after ten years. We were compatible and I thought, so in love that I couldn't have ever imagined this happening to me in any lifetime. He just texted me and said it's over. I can't give you any solid advice other than how I've been coping so far (it's only been 1 week) and its been anti-anxiety meds, sleeping tabs, surrounding myself with my support system, family & friends and I'm looking into therapy. All the plans we had in place are now up in the air and probably won't be happening and I don't know what to do with my life anymore.... Sending positive vibes x
I feel you girl. Sending love! We will get through this.
Hey, I've been through this too and I just want both of you to know that even though it hurts so bad right know, you will get through it. Take care of yourself, ask for help if you need, but know that you will be ok.
This just happened to me today… feeling absolutes devastated. I hope you’re doing alright.
I know it’s hard to start over, however, there is someone out there for you that will be a much better match. At 24 I thought I had the love of my life and then after 5 years, he decided to join the Peace Corps to “find himself”. He didn’t marry until he was 40 and it was a much younger woman. I met my future spouse at work 4 years later at 28 yrs. and we’ve been happily married for 36 years! Believe me the four years waiting were hard because I had my share of losers in some fashion or another - but it made me recognize and appreciate the gem that I found. I would also advise not living together before you get married, statistics are not in your favor for marriage - if that’s your goal. I might be old fashioned in this way and I’m sure others may disagree but it worked out much better for me. I feel your pain right now but it will get better, I promise.
Let him go. It’s easier now than if you were married with kids. He’s obviously going thru something and doesn’t have the maturity or intrapersonal skills to be able to communicate it. It’s not your job to make him happy or fix him. It’s your job to protect yourself and make sure you are happy and have a fulfilling life. Trust me. Let him go. It will be hard at first, but you will get over it. Otherwise you will spend a life time living on egg shells wondering if you’re doing enough to make him happy? Make him stay. We never know what the future holds and if you two were to go through something serious he wouldn’t be able to handle it and would bail the first chance. It’s just not a good dynamic where you are working this hard to make him happy and he does nothing about your feelings. Get out now while you are still young.
I totally agree and when a door closes another opens. You never know, in a year you might be thanking him for leaving 🙂 chin up
Thank you.
Your saying the dude isn’t mature and lacks intrapersonal skills but maybe he’s doing exactly what your telling OP to due, protecting himself to make sure he’s happy and has a fulfilling life. We don’t know his side of the story, maybe he’s been miserable for years, you make him out to be the bad guy for possibly doing what’s best for him and his future.
He very well could have been miserable for years. Another reason why OP should let him go ! Life is too short for anyone to stay In A shitty situation. I’m not trying to side with OP just saying I know what it’s like to work so hard to keep someone. It sucks. It really messes with your self esteem. I’m the end you end up separating anyway, even if it’s years later. Get out while you can. Maybe I’m just old
Amen. Just wrote the same before seeing this. I feel like this is such a typical reddit thing, too. If you are taking the side of the creator, cheering them on and alike you get upvotes. If you criticise and suggest some self reflection you are downvoted. But from reading a post, can we really draw conclusions that will be good? Unlikely. Especially between TWO people when we only get one-side of the story.
9 years is a whole ass marriage.
It kinda is. The house also makes us tied.
Make sure the dog is well cared for in all of this.
She is. She motivates me te keep going. We just went for a long walk on the beach. I love my dog to bits and would never ever not take the best care of her. He feels the same about her.
I know this is a really difficult time, but I would see about talking to a lawyer in regard to your house. Break ups a hard, when money is involved things get even harder. Be on the front foot.
What's a lawyer gonna do? Can they sell and split the house money even if they are not married?
Always get a lawyer to protect your interests because the other person likely isn't concerned about them for you.
People being dramatic for the sake of being dramatic
Yeah basically. Some states have a law stating if you have been together x amount of years and its can be proven you are basically married in the eyes of the state. “Hood married” some call its. My mom had something like this when she and her bf split she was still paid out for some of the equity built in the house they bought together although her name not on the purchase.
You are talking like her boyfriend is automatically going to be reasonable. A lawyer will ensure the OP doesn’t get screwed over.
Oof. Something similar happened to me a few months ago- also together a bit over 9 years, married for 7. Only difference- I’m 41. :P It’s going to be a rough ride for a while. There will be a lot of unanswered questions. DO get a therapist- a lot of this will need talking through and as much as your friends and family love you, that isn’t their job. :P You got this. One day at a time. Focus on building yourself a self and stable nest in life, whatever that means. Best of luck!
Honestly, at your age it’s a blessing. I never even got into a relationship with the right type of person until my thirties. Best advice I can give is write your ex off right away and work on YOU, get to know YOU. It’s a great time for personal growth, which can lead to you finding better relationships in the future.
Oh, OP, the grief you must be feeling. It's so easy for everyone to tell you that you are young and have a whole life ahead of you and that it gets better and the right guy is out there. But right now you are in a grief stage and that's ok. It's gonna hurt and it's gonna be hard and you'll have to take your time loving yourself again. It's incredibly difficult to build a future and to dream with someone and then to have them just walk away like it meant nothing. You aren't alone, but please take the time to grieve this loss properly.
Beautiful empathetic person ❤️ I agree with your words wholeheartedly. My addition, from my personal experience: Grieve properly and feel all the feelings. But also try to find ways to give yourself breaks from the pain. Healthy moments of distractions. When my ex broke up with me, I planned an entire vacation for myself (that I didn’t go on, just planned), I went to the botanical garden in my city every day and read about every single flower and plant that I could find. I started a new workout class. To have something else to put my focus in for small moments everyday (even though grief crept in during these moments as well) gave me much well needed moments of a little peace. Some small breaks from anxiety and sadness. Also continuing to go to work and hanging out with other people was also fundamental for me not to dwell. But the crucial part here is that I also let myself cry and feel like shit when I felt like shit. Which was a lot. To process feelings we need to feel them, and meet ourselves such as a comforting parent would soothe a sad child. Give yourself as much love and kindness as you can. You will truly come out stronger from this. Much love to you.
Your (ex) boyfriend's situation sounds a lot like I'm situation I'm currently in. I also don't like my job which I've been working for 4 years, I'm facing a huge amount of pressure since I've recently graduated from university, and I just started seeing a woman for the first time in my life and I've been getting a ton of pressure from that as well because I realized being in a relationship requires a good amount of commitment and effort to make it work. I actually broke down 2 days away because of how overwhelmed I was and I also heavily considering cutting ties with this woman I'm seeing (who I really like btw) just to give myself some breathing room because mentality I was drowning big time. My point is that it sounds like your ex ended it because he's like you said "lost" and he's trying to sort himself out. The mood changes is something I've personally experienced myself and for me it sounds like he has some conflicting feelings of being in a relationship/or not and just impulsively pulled the trigger on ending it. I know you said that you've communicated with him and you tried to talk to him, but unfortantely you can't force people to change their minds. But I would say this isn't your fault so don't try and take it personally.
Use this as an opportunity to work on yourself. Hit the gym, get a new hobby. Get out there and learn a new language. Just better yourself in general. Time to become the best version of you possible.
I went through something very similar three years ago. We’d been together for amost 9 years and were engaged. Suddenly turned around and said he wasn’t feeling the relationship anymore - that was the only reason I got from him. I had been going through some personal challenges of my own in the lead up (but was working on them) and asking for a chance to work through things was denied instantly. I initially thought he was depressed or something but I never really got an answer. He cut me off and that was it. I was forced to move on without having answers and in all honesty, putting myself first was the best thing I did for myself to move on and find myself again. Yes it was painful, yes it was the lowest I had been in my life but looking back I’m so glad it happened and I had my friends and family around me for support. I was so scared thinking I’d wasted my 20s (I was 27 at the time) but I was so wrong. Age doesn’t matter. I was just so grateful that I wasn’t married to him/didn’t have anything tying him to me. Fast forward to now - I’ve only been able to accept the idea of getting into a relationship again in the last few months. Meanwhile he’s set to get married to the girl he told me not to worry about early on in our relationship next week. Not saying it’s likely to be the same with you, but honestly just count your blessings and look after yourself. Put yourself first and do what makes you happy because at the end of the day you don’t need to lower your standards to be with someone who can drop you without a second thought. It may not seem like it now but I promise you with time, it WILL get better. Sending love x
I went through a similar situation about 18 months ago, we were together for 7 years, we lived together, on our way to purchasing our own home, of course like all relationships we had our rough patches, and we were in one, but i didnt truly understand how unhappy she was untill very recently Essentually, the day she broke up with me started like any other day, we woke up, had a coffee together, she went to work, i was working from home, she called me on her lunch break, told me she loved me, 5:30pm comes around, she gets home and all of a sudden its "we need to talk, im not happy, i need to leave and think about everything" Queue 2 weeks later of sleeping at my mates house and her at her sisters and we get together where she tells me we are done.. so trust me when i say, i empythise with you Fast foward to now, im in a better spot financially, tho i am still living with my mum (i turn 31 in a couple of days) but if i reach my financial goal by the end of the year i should be able to afford my own home Im in the best shape of my life after losing 20kg over the last year I go to therepy every 3 -4 weeks as after the releatipnship ended i realised that i had put her up on a pedistal and i didnt know my own identity outside of the relationship, and those lessons are not only the hardest to learn, but the most valuble This prosess wont be easy, but i encourgae you to seek out therepy and learn how to love yourself, learn that you can be inderpendent and be happy in your own skin and your own mind My heart goes out to you, but things do get better
This sucks so bad. You could sit down with him and ask him directly what is wrong, and tell him that relationships do have ups and downs, and try your best to convince him to try therapy. Other than that there isn't much to do, really. Other than planning for what to do with the house. I don't understand why people just abandon a nine year relationship in such a manner.
I think everyone deserves to be loved fully without regrets. You cant hold on to someone Who doesnt want to be with you anymore. Stay in your own strength let him go and happyness will find you, it will take some time, it will Hurt and wont be easy, But when you look back maybe in 5 years with someone Who loves you the same way as you love him you are glad you let him go.
Hear hear. The future is unknown but if we work on to it, it’s going to be a wonderful life.
You’ll be fine. Dude was with you since you guys were 22 and 19. That’s still just a couple years off from technically being high school sweethearts which statistically almost never make it. Some people just fall out of love, and unfortunately it doesn’t always happen at the same time for the other person to see/call it. Just be glad there is no marriage/children baggage to worry about in this breakup, let alone cheating/family drama which are common. It was a clean break to a long, seemingly good relationship. Be grateful for that even if breakups suck. Even if it’s the last thing on your mind, don’t take the rebound relationships too serious unless you find a keeper. But either way you’ll be fine.
The fact you have been 9 years together without him proposing to you are evidence that he was never sure about you. He probably met some girl or started feeling like he is "missing out" on sleeping with other people. Good riddance, this man is not a man, just a coward little boy. He could have approached you months ago or whenever these feeling bubbled up but instead waited until he was mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship. I'm sorry but the relationship is over, go talk to a lawyer regarding your house. Idk why people buy homes when not married, but there are ways to fix that.
He broke up with you the day before going to Thailand? Hmmmmm.....
Right. Man is about to run through some bar girls and bring one back on a K1 visa
OP's ex-boyfriend sounds like the type who gets stuck in Thailand. He's probably going to quit or lose his job and won't even be able to afford the K1 process.
You had 9 years of happy life. Nothing is permanent and nothing lasts forever. If not now, then later. We feel betrayed because we expect things to last forever. But they never do, because they are not our things, they don't belong to us. Only our own choices and our own company belong to us. The rest is temporary, and will end one day. And if you had this in mind 9 years ago, you wouldn't feel betrayed now, only lucky to have those 9 years that many people don't get. Recommended reading: anything by Seneca, maybe start with an [overview](https://dailystoic.com/seneca-overcoming-grief-facing-death-true-nature-life/) .
This is exactly what I need to hear. I am kinda in the same boat as OP, although I think OP situation is more difficult.
"*Why need we weep over parts of our life? the whole of it calls for tears"*. Seneca such a boss
Very wise. This type of stuff is easy to forget and comforting to remember.
He wants to go to Thailand without you. Keep your vacation!!!
I was in my first relationship for 10 years, broke up at 23 years old and thought nobody would want me. I then was in another relationship for 12 years, got divorced at 35 with 2 kids and thought nobody would ever want me. Now with a beautiful man who was everything I was looking for. The first one is not always the right one.
I feel your pain, and if I knew how to cope, I would gladly pass along what I knew. But the only thing we can do is hold tight to ourselves and allow the storm to pass. The pain of a betrayal this deep will likely never go away, but it will become less sharp and distracting. I've used mine to motivate myself to learn just who I really am, what's truly important to me, and how to protect my fragile peace going forward. I made the mistake of setting boundaries but not holding her to them and missing all the red flags I've missed my entire life. I didn't know myself well enough, either, and over the course of the relationship, I made easily avoidable mistakes. In the end, we're both to blame in our own ways, but I can only control how I come out of this and how I move forward. It's vital to remember that we can not control how another person thinks and feels, and even the most stable, loving relationship can end in an instant. Your partner could wake up tomorrow and decide they're done with you, and there's nothing you can do about it. Our strongest relationship needs to be with ourselves, and we need to be our own source of happiness. Because as Dr. Seuss said, "Like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot."
It’s not on a whim. He’s thought about this for awhile and his dissatisfaction or “not feeling it” came from an internal dialogue he hasn’t shared with you until that moment. Chances are he felt this way for awhile he just.. didn’t know if it was really worth leaving and if he was really out of love.
good luck babe. it gets easier.
Something very similar happened to me. I was engaged and in a relationship of 10 years. In the last year of our relationship he started working A LOT like 6-7 days a week. Making no time for me. We would watch tv for an hour a night and then he’d go play video games until he went to bed. He basically just gave up on me. He wasn’t interested in trying which really hurt. I was 27. I am now 30 and in a relationship with a good man. It fucking sucks now but it’s not the end…and what helped me close was when one of my parents friends pointed out that he must’ve not respected me if he wasn’t even willing to let me in on how he was feeling. So that helped me say fuck him and move on.
Ah don’t feel bad for dumping this LOSER at least yall don’t have kids or anything. I just saw my brother in law break up with his good girlfriend of 2+ years and I knew it was a horrible idea and I couldn’t stop him and yeah that was a dumb move dude and now fast forward 2 years almost starting to drop his attitude and admit his f up.
He dumped me :) but thank you though. Though loss for your BIL. Hope his ex girlfriend is doing well.
You say “he didnt even try to solve anything or talk to me” yet… you know he feels lost, he doesnt like his job and he wanted to travel. Did he *actually* not communicate, or was he communicating in a way *you didnt like*?
He always said that he would never leave me, up until two days before he left me. I helped him apply to different jobs. He goes om holiday 8 times a year. Whenever our conversations became diffucult, he would say that he just didn't know and that he loved me. So idk.
Holiday 8 times a year? Are you talking about 1-2 day escapades like in the weekends? I don't know any job that would allow holiday 8 times a year. And if he goes on all of these holidays without you, that is also weird.
He has 40 paid days off per year. Some are weekend (mostly 3 days), sometimes hes gone for 9 days. We also go together once or twice.
Are you sure there isnt another girl in his life?
When he is gone for a longer time, he is with his best friend or on summer camp (he is a group leader for kids camps).
He can still meet someone else in that setting.
Sounds like he lies to himself first and then you. I would guess he’s really not trying to hurt you but he’s quite insecure and has a hard time communicating about his emotions. You deserve someone who is able to communicate about their emotions.
He told you he’d never leave you because he wasn’t ready or sure of breaking up. Most likely he had been thinking about it for months or more, but ending a long relationship with a person that loves you and will be devastated for the breakup is incredibly tough and painful, nobody wants to break the heart of a person that loves them, those 6 months he was probably stressing to death because of the realization that he didn’t want to be with you anymore. All that work bullshit or the other things he claimed to be stressing him, that wasn’t it. He just was stressed because he had to make probably the hardest decision of his life so far, which is breaking your heart. Then one day he finally said enough is enough and told you everything. I’ve been there, it isn’t easy.
>He always said that he would never leave me That's a red flag there in my book. This ain't even a subject for discussion in a healthy relationship.
Theres always worse. A work colleague a few years back was with this woman together for 12 years. While he was at work she told him shes going on a short roadtrip with 2 of his friends (that wasnt unusual as they all did things seperated from each other all the time). But like 3 days after not getting a single sign of life from her, when she returned she told him she slept with both his friends. Absolutely world crushing
That's just a whole different world of cruelty. OP's (ex)boyfriend hasn't handled the situation as well as you'd hope, but that story - well, that's the type of thing you don't even want to believe is possible.
Yeah, whats crazy is that that coworker took it extremely well given the curcumstances. My guess is he felt it coming and that the relationship was going downhill for a while because if he was all in on her thats soul crushing
What about the friends? Maybe he wasn't so close to them? Getting betrayed by three people at once should be pretty devastating.
Only on of the two was his friend, the other one was her friend afaik. And yeah wasnt close like best friends but close enough to be going out partying every other weekend so still crazy to betray someone you see regularly like that. Especially since they all knew she was with him
So sorry this has happened. That's really shitty of him to lead you on like that. All you can really do is pick yourself up, learn from it and find a guy who is 100% commited to you.
How do you cope… good question. For me it’s just one day at a time. I’m 33M and my (ex)girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me 8 weeks ago for same reason pretty much. Anyway, I digress. This is not about me but about how do you cope. Please be kind to yourself and love yourself. Take this time to heal, and focus on you. It’s not easy, but you will grow stronger with time and patience and care. Stronger mentally, stronger emotionally, better equipped to deal with your new reality. You’re still young, do things for yourself you haven’t been able to while together with your ex. Maybe therapy can help you find ways to cope better as well. It’s okay to cry and be sad, you are human after all. But please keep your head up and believe in your ability to be happy again someday. I believe you will find happiness again too.
I wish you all the best! I hope you're starting to feel a bit better.
Thank you. It still hurts, I’m still trying to cope. Part of me is excited for my future. Another part of me is still stuck in the past, as I am unable to move out of the shared housing we have at the moment. Big factor in my inability to move on completely… Seeing your post remind me though that these things happen to many people, not just me or you. You are not alone, neither am I. Talking or writing your thoughts and feelings can help too. Just trying to not be stuck in my head about it helps a lot too. I hope this has helped you as much as it’s helped me. We both deserve happiness in our lives.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this.
I met the love of my life when I was 54 after a lifetime of poor choices. Don’t give up. Until you meet that person, you are allowed to enjoy the ride.
Same happened to me 27 and 30. You will be fine and you’ll meet alot of amazing people along the way! I’m still single but he’s unhappily married with a kid and I’m blissfully single holding out for my not so perfect person
We have almost the same situation 3 yrs. ago. I was also 28 that time when we broke up (9 yrs. together too). As for me, he cheated while I was away for the first time (a year abroad) and the worst part was he got the girl pregnant. Anyways, you have to talk to him for closure for your peace of mind. Honestly, moving on wasn't really easy but you just have to think that everything happens for a reason.
It happens to early long term relationships quite frequently unfortunately, the bad thing is the guy is not interested to do his part and solve it. That's not your fault, just make sure to have your family and friends support, if you feel that it's hard to get over it look for therapy. If you love him leave him be, the sooner he understands that you moved on the sooner he will regret his decision and try to reverse the damage he's done, just don't make a mistake — don't let him into your life again.
Hey, I feel I can give am insight because I have been on the other side of this. I left my gf after 8 years, we are both 30 now. I preface this by saying that I still lover her, even after a year of separation. I realized we we're just not compatible. We both wanted kids and a house. I tried communicating that I needed some more time to finish my education before I was ready to settle down. She said she understood and "accepted" my argument. In reality she didn't. She was being pushy, which resulted in a lot of small fights, I started resenting her. While I wanted harmony, kinda mentally preparing to have a kid, she pushed for conflict, disrespecting my boundaries. Of course your situation is probably different, but I feel like this just happens too often. Feeling are being ifnored, opinions discarded until it is too late. the rift too great. I dont't want to say it's your fault, it surely isn't. you need 2 to tango. things get lost in translation and resentment will fester. My honest opinion: If it's meant to be, it will happen. If you are too far apart, it won't and you should move on. Just take it from someone on the other side, he can still love you, but think that, logically, your relationship was not what he needs.
To me it sounds like he was already (mentally) checked out of the relationship. You deserve better.
Some guys are just like that. Reading this, I reflect on a couple of my past relationships where after a year, I just wasn’t feeling it and I was tired of doing social events and spending money and time with the person I was with. Every weekend I wanted to myself, now knowing I had to waste it with someone else made me feel more tired cause I work so much. The social pressure and the feeling of guilt because the other person did absolutely nothing wrong. The thought of convenience of being alone often trumps the thought of being in a relationship. I’m sorry this guy took 9 years to finally break things off. I don’t think he necessarily has someone lined up or is cheating. It’s easy to always chalk that up to be the reason. But it’s always a possibility. You should focus on hobbies and get your mind off of it for a while. It’s easier said than done 😭
I know it’s difficult, but try your best to move on. You deserve unconditional love, and this person sounds like they don’t know what they want, and with who.
Hang in there, it sounds like he will snap out of it. Don't follow advice here that's based on impulse and quick judgment. Also try and refund that trip 😕
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but naaah, feelings don't fade a bit back and forth if it's the one. You might get mad at each other, feel irritated with each other, not be on the same page for some time, need counselling etc., but the feelings don't fade and come back if it's a forever commitment in each others heart of hearts. You're 9 years in, no kids etc. In a lifetime commitment scenario, this should be the easy flow time. You know each other intrinsically at this point, act as a unit, worked out most major hiccups that prohibit longterm stability. Kids magnify ANY issues tenfold, it's a natural progression since the beginning of time. You probably dodged an even more painful bullet here, OP. Keep this in mind if/ when he crawls back after realising how awesome you are.
These things are hard, and we always want to understand why…but the truth is - the why doesn’t really matter. If he doesn’t want to be with you the way you want him to, he should go. For you as much as for him. There is nothing wrong with you, and he is giving you the gift of the time and space to find someone who wants you in the way you want. I feel for you OP, but you will get through it. Try to grieve the relationship you had but maintain boundaries with the ex so you can be open to finding the life you want with someone else.
I really feel for you. Funnily enough, I'm going through the exact same thing. 9 years together, similar ages, 6 months of depressive distance but with loving connection when together, and he hates his job. However, I have been lucky enough to get more substantial answers out of my partner. I have no idea if any of this resonates with your situation but this is what my boyfriend told me. He feels disconnected from himself and what he wants, and he feels as though he doesn't know who he is without me. He needs space to figure out himself outside of the confines of a relationship. At first this just felt like insane bullshit. However, after a bit of time I am slowly understanding what he means because his leaving me also gives me those freedoms. My suggestion to you is to think about the small sacrifices that you were happy to make because you loved him and give those things back to yourself. I know how painful it is because I'm going through that same pain. But, you can get through this. You may not end up with the life you have been planning and expecting but you can still end up with a beautiful one.
Met my wife at 28! You will bounce back!
Cope? You might want to get a lawyer to tackle who is responsible for the house! You can cry later.
OP you deserve to have someone that will at least talk to you and won’t just flip an emotional switch in 1-2 days without any warning signs, that is not healthy behavior and I can’t imagine living like that. Even if you and him “fix” things you will have to live with the fear of this happening again in the future, you deserve much better then that and I’m sorry your ex boyfriend is to immature and weak to give you the closure you want from such a spontaneous relationship ending. That makes me irrationally angry honestly.
I’d say approach him and say “listen no matter how much you think it may hurt me I want you to be completely honest and say to me exactly why you no longer want to be in a relationship?” Get some true awareness and hopefully closure
Be glad he told you this before you have kids etc . He’s doing you a favor. You have so much ahead of you-
Where I feel he wasn’t playing fair was the leading her on till the last moment!Why act like everything’s great and then dump her!
This is why you don't cohabitate and make big purchases with boyfriends and girlfriends. You find someone to marry, someone you know is faithful, monogamous, doesn't have the itch to have different and new sexual experiences.
Nine years at your age means very little opportunity to explore other relationships. Nine years also means the thrill is not the same as it was in the beginning and he may be craving that magical euphoria which is normal. He’s also young and probably immature enough to think his current relationship is the reason he’s not happy. Unfortunately you had no way of knowing any of this when you fell in love when you were still a teenager. His sudden behaviour change also smells like he’s become infatuated with someone else. And his hot and cold is a sign of his internal conflict about that. There’s nothing you can or should do. You do not want to salvage a relationship. You want to be with a person who chooses you. Let him go. Grieve and move on with your life. If he realises the grass isn’t greener out there and you’re still willing to discuss it, fine. But atm you need to let him go. And maybe you’ll realise there’s someone better for you out there anyway x
Could be a mental health thing he's going through. I broke up with my gf if 6 years during a long, slowly developing bipolar episode and 2020 and still regret it and weep about it to this day. Dumbest thing ive ever done wish I had gotten medicated sooner.
My partner and I have been together for 9-years (10 this November), and your bfs behaviour is odd indeed. The fire does fade, but it rarely goes out entirely. I feel he has motives; either he is cheating or wants to cheat. Best of luck navigating this bump; hopefully it's something simple that can be overcome 🙂
Congratulations in advance!
he's depressed and will probably become worse. Work satisfaction is important in my perspective. Many people hate their job and everyone has an ugly life honestly but they just do it. I do see myself get depressed when this happens but ultimately it's all about emotional maturity. He's not mature yet even if he is 31, trust me. If he were he'd understand that there's a time and place for everything. He can't mix his displeasure with life into everything else. When I get depressed I talk my emotions with my woman. She hears me. And that's it. I don't need to see her as a punching bag. I let go because when I enter the door to our apartment, that is our sanctuary. We can bi-ch and moan about our jobs (she's a nurse) and move on to the reason why we are together. Take all of this "with a grain of salt" because I know many people are too sensitive to how I say things. You might get into your own head and have thoughts that are just assumptions. If you need to ask questions, ask him. But if you think you can trust your intuition then I suggest is best you move on. Some people might also think, well you chose wrong. That ain't it. Everyone individually has their own path to follow. We can't tell people what path they should take. Sometimes that means moving apart. You gotta be keen about who you pick for your partner. I wish most humans would think the way I think, it would be easier. But I wish you luck on your future relationships. PS the last part about feeling sad and lonely reminds me of a book titled Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. The protagonist had a life long friend. They enjoyed each others company very much. They even escaped together and had adventures. But one day Siddhartha needed to choose his path, his destiny. And he understood that his destiny would cost his friendship, for that path would not be shared together. It hurt him to leave his side but it's a feeling you can acknowledge. You must move on. As Buddhists like to say, you can stay sad or you can stop being sad. Sometimes going to gym for example, just requires you to tell yourself to move. It may seem hard but you just have to do it. Tell yourself to put one foot forward and move on. It really is - the only way.
Life is complicated. I know what he did is bad and inconsiderate, though you don’t know the demons in his head right now. I’ve been there like him. It might be a self destruct. I know it’s hard for you right now. Time heals all wounds, just live your life.
He met someone else or probably is sleeping with other people and now has the courage to leave you. Don’t give him a second thought
I'm going through this exact same situation myself right now. I (34m) have been with my s/o (30f) for 11 years at this point. We got together young and fell hard fast. She moved into my apartment less than a month in and have been together ever since. We moved around a lot and always had roommate or family drama getting in between us. We did want kids but marriage wasn't something I necessarily cared for even thought that's something I knew she always wanted. She just never pushed me about it. Once we finally settled in with no other roommates or family, just the two of us, the years just flew by. This was right around the start of the pandemic. We enjoyed spending all our time together going on trips and just experiencing life together. I always took care of the bills and stuff and didn't care what she wanted to do. We've always both been very passive people so that definitely played a part in not pushing each other to do better. About a year ago she decided she wanted to start doing better for us and went back school. This came out of nowhere for me because she didn't know how I'd react to her wanting to move to go back to school. At this point it isn't easy for me to relocate from where I am living currently. This was about 2 hours away in another town and this was the first time we were away from each other this long. Not really sure when my mind started changing but this just helped me see things from a different perspective. I've realized I wasn't as happy as I thought I was. We had problems from both sides with cheating but we worked through them and that was years ago. Maybe there are still some unresolved issues there but I don't really think about out it all that much anymore anyway. I've felt lost living where I do but I like my primary job. I also take care of my mother as her care giver so that's always something I have to deal with daily which might be playing a part in it. Never felt like a good time to start a family when I have these extra responsibilities already. I still love her but I felt like she'd be doing so much better for herself without me. I have felt like we've wasted so much of our 20s with a bunch of bs. Once our dog passed back in November of '23, I think that was the tipping point for me. He was pretty much our child, we had him the whole time we've been together. I just felt more distant and even still have some bad days of depression. I'm still not really sure how all this came about but, yeah, I guess I just wasn't feeling it anymore. It definitely didn't just come up out of nowhere though. We've tried talking though it over the past few months when I just felt like we started going in different directions. I feel like a shitty person for wasting so many of her years but we're both still on the youngish side. It's hard letting go and starting over but I just take it a day at a time right now.
I have a feeling that you two are likely not in tune with each other. It’s clear to me just from your post that he was checked out a while ago and you had no clue. This is why it feels like he sprung this on you when in fact he didn’t. Wanting to spend more time alone without you is a huge red flag that he is stepping out of the relationship emotionally. Of course within a relationship it’s ok to spend time alone or with your own friends but this seemed different from what you wrote. Taking a trip without you is a little odd. 9 years is a lot to give up but you can’t stay in a relationship because of sunk cost fallacy. I think he likely stayed longer than he wanted because of this. I know it’s hard but try not to take this too personally. He could have communicated with you more. Time to move on and work on yourself.
Take care of yourself to heal because these are among the most hurtful things you can experience in life. I do not have much to say, it just sucks.
At least there’s no kids man. This sucks and I can’t imagine how blindsided you feel, hopefully this is a blessing in disguise. And if he’s “not feeling it” sounds like it is. Best of luck OP.
I’m sorry. I know you are confused and hurt. Please take care of yourself. This is not about you, and it is not how mature people end relationships. Sending you strength and positive energy.
Bro is depressed and for whatever reason doesn't think he can work on the relationship right now. Move on, get your bearings, and find someone who's in a better mental state who can put work into the relationship. Stay cordial with the ex, but don't expect to be good friends or for him to come back. He needs to go though his own trials and when he's done, he'll be in a position to find a relationship that works for him. You do you.
You're still incredibly young - take time for yourself. You can't force others unfortunately. Better yourself for yourself.
Met my fiance when I was 29, together almost 5 years now 💜
A lot of development still goes on in your 20s. Thats where you become who you'll eventually be. That means a lot of stuff changes and it obviously effects goals, dreams and relationships. Regarding your question how he could just throw it away: he was probably already checked out for a while. Usually the thought of breaking up comes up a few months in advance. During that time he came to the realization that you two arent going to work out. That may also mean that he gets over the breakup more quickly now because he's already had time to process it for months unlike you. Take time for yourself and let yourseld grief. Let out the feelings, cry like your world is ending. Buy some nice shit you have always wanted. Its ok to feel like shit because thats how you slowly heal. Dont push the feelings away and distract you, it will eventually catch you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s gonna suck for a whole. Focus on yourself and not him; whatever his reasons are or if he will come around doesn’t matter. Try to take good care of yourself physically and mentally OP.
I feel you. M31 here. My gf F30 left me after 6 years of relationship. Reason: she is not feeling like. First she wanted a BREAK so that she can try to miss me Eventually I understood that I am just wasting my time waiting for her return. It ended after 2 months of BREAK. I wanted to say a lot of things how can the feelings vanish just like that, but felt it would not lead anywhere. My advice to you: take your time to cool off, try doing things you like(vacation or some hobby), and go into the dating thing again. It's going to be much different doing it after this long relationship. Everything looks new and changed. But being a female, you might not have to try too hard for it(atleast you'll get some likes on the dating apps).
I had a difficult breakup at 31 (after an 11y relationship). But I learned a lot about myself in the process. I learned I was actually a different person than I thought. My previous partner's expectations and assumptions had framed my idea of who I was. So the breakup was an important though painful growth experience. I'm happier and much more fully realised now .
The more invested in a relationship one is the harder it is to pull away...at 10 years many relationships I've known end their course for what ever reason...if his thinking is volatile it's probably harder to save whats left of the relationship...I would start making other plans while still working on this one....
My ex broke up with me when I was 31. We had been together since we were 18. It ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me! I absolutely loved being single, discovered so much about myself, traveled, did all the things he never wanted to do, and loved every second of it! I met my now-husband when I was 33 (just turned 38) and he is the best partner I could ever dream of having. I know how hard this will be at first, but you should be excited for the endless possibilities in your future!
He probably mourned the end of the relationship in those 6 months. So while the pain is very fresh and unexpected for you, he’s effectively gotten over it already. I know it really sucks. My past relationship wasn’t as long as yours, but my ex also became more distant in the last 6 months of our relationship; he later told me that he had fallen out of love with me much earlier into the relationship. I’m assuming my ex also was mentally preparing to leave in those months while I was none the wiser.
Sounds like boyfriend has someone else on the side. Leave his ass he doesn’t deserve you, how the fuck he cancels holiday a day before he must think little of you.
Just accept it. Sucks, but it is what it is. I had a similar thing happen at a younger age. Sometimes, people just change. Could be depression, could be guilt, could be viewing themselves or you as an anchor, could be a lot of things. But at the end of the day, the more you think and worry about those could be's, the more of your time you're throwing away on something that most likely won't ever be the same.
This is sad but you will be okay. There are many reasons that he could have changed his mind but you’ll probably never get a 100% true answer from him. Don’t fight for something he has no interest in saving. Focus on you, start living your best life.
Of all the relationships I've had I only ever regretted not walking away sooner. Not once have I thought damn I wish I held on a bit longer
Never beg to be with someone. Time to move on with dignity. FYI he’s an ah.
All you can do is move forward and find someone new.
Women can fake orgasms, men can fake whole relationships.
Smells like midlife crisis. I’m willing to bet he’s got a lot going on in his head and isn’t fully convinced he wanted to do life without you but didn’t want to say it in case it turns out you’re as good as it gets for him and by sharing with you, you get pissed and leave (effectively taking away his ability to choose). If you want him and feel he’s worth the fight, chase him. If you don’t care, move along.
I just went through this with my girlfriend of 5 years. I can't say anything helped me cope with the loss. But focusing on myself by trying to further my education and going to the gym helped ease the pain over time. I'm sorry you had to go through this. The bright side to all this is that it's better to have happened in 9 years than 20!
His mood seems to go up and down. He clearly is feeling unhappy with things and requires change. You might have been an excellent partner to him which is why he might have been so hesitant to let you go. But you know what? Sometimes it’s best to let go, regardless of trying and trying and trying. Instead of asking what he wants all the time, it’s time for you to ask yourself what you want. You might be happy with your dog, job and house. Keep the things you do want. Leave everything else. Time for new chances and opportunities. When I went through my last breakup I kind of compared it to growing from a caterpillar into a butterfly, but the cocoon stage is just so ugly and awkward sometimes. Yet, it’s the most important part in the transformation. X
Does he have a lot of single male friends? From a male perspective to me, based on what you've said, it seems like he wants freedom and let loose with any worries. For a lot of guys getting into a relationship that early on and be tied down for 9 years can't handle it, especially if they're around a lot of people who aren't. The reason being, is that, you're always in that back of their mind and their perspective of things changes when going out and holidays etc. Every action he does always comes back to 'What if my partner doesn't like it' or 'I'm going to have to tell her about this'. It's just too much to handle and feels restrictive. With the addition of him not liking his job he probably feels like there's no room to breathe and *true* personal space. Don't get me wrong there are also a lot of guys who are happy enough to get into a relationship early on in life and stay with their partner forever without any issues. I have a few friends like this. It's down to personality/priorities probably. Again this is my point of view so I could be completely wrong, but the best thing to do before the relationship gets even more serious like kids/marriage etc is to move on.
Out of curiosity, is he still going to Thailand? He clearly wants to 'sow his oats'. I'd just let him go. You can now find someone more mature. Perhaps one day he will look back and be sorry for how he handled things. For now, it's all about you, girl. Focus on yourself and let him handle himself.
Yes he is still palnning on going and so am I. We're going to have a lovely flight :') I hope he will realise some day that what we have was a great thing to have. We habe the same outviews on life, politics, we have the same long term goals. Except that he wants everything immediately and I am willing to save up before making major changes in my life.
Wow, that will be awkward. Are you going to do your seperate things on holiday? You never know, you might meet a man whilst you're there.
Yes, we are going our seperate ways. Who knows, maybe I will!
I hope you do and end up having a wonderful holiday.
He was so obviously cheating on you. This took me 2 seconds to figure out based on this info. He wasn't lost or needed to travel, he was spending time with somebody else and is doing a classic relationship hop. He felt the grass was greener on the other side, and wasn't 100% to take the jump over. He still wanted to keep holding onto you incase his new relationship failed or he found something wrong about her. His new girl most likely didn't want him to go on that vacation with you and told him to break up with you, that's why it happened so suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere. He was barely in a relationship with you, scared he would be left with nothing so was hedging his bets. Now he's made his decision to be with other person and dropped the bomb quickly and through text as to not drag it on. I've seen this dozens of times, I guarantee this is what happened. Do not mourn him.
Sad but move on nothing you can do
2 sides on a coin. What is you BF version? This will be posted soon, it seems to be the trend...
He sounds depressed. Does he have a history of depression?
He probably found someone else but won't tell you because he's scared
Relationship is something that requiers constant work. Don’t give up just like that because there is big possibility that you’ll find someone new and it will happen again. Ppl these days are letting go their relationships to easily. If there is no other stuff happening than described, you should see what is going on with him.
It sounds to me like he met someone six months ago, and when that finally looked solid, he went for it.
>I gave him all the space he needed, he went away went friends or alone. He went somewhere to bone some other person that is not you. He said you are not enough to be in a relationship with, pull your self respect together and kick him to the streets. The house will force you to deal with each other for the next few months but then take yor self respect and diginity and walk away. Don't be surprised when 5 months down the road he is begging for you back And if he does that, don't go back, he showed you who he is.
He met someone else. 🤷🏻♂️
I’m sorry
sounds like he just did it out of the blue, sit back, dont beg or plead with him to come back. It sounds like it was a pretty good relationship. He could come back, he could not, just shitty how it sounded towards the end
He's cheating
You will cope just fine. Things don't always work out, just count your lucky stars there are no children. You'll be fine.
Plenty more fish in the sea
Good riddance if he dumped you and moved on like that, but you have to check if he’s okay mentally. It’s a pretty common way to save your close one’s from hurting by pushing them away when planning to harm yourself
He met someone else.
>If I asked him to spent some time with me, he got angry with me. Refusing and getting angry with your girlfriend 🤔 I would say the difference here, speaks alot >We bought our home together one year ago. We also have a dog together. 9 years, a home together... Makes sense, but after 9 years you guys are not married yet? >I tried to talk to him because I feel therapy might help us communicate. But he doesn't want to. Are you sure this relationship wasn't already done way before?
9y. no ring?
I genuinely don’t feel people on Reddit are qualified to handle complex relationship questions like this. You’re going to receive a lot of conflicting advice from people who do not know all of the details. I’d highly encourage relationship counseling for the two of you.
He should give you definite answers, even if just for closure. 9 years means a lot and I think he had something going on in his head and communication fell short. It happens, but you deserve closure
First and foremost, take care of yourself! I'm not sure what kind of mental state you're in ATM, but I assume you might feel shocked or deeply hurt. This might cause some new wounds (or reopen old ones) in how you feel about yourself, and those wounds are going to need tending to. Start with the most physical basics of food, water, your sleep/rest environment, and then work through there. I really hope your self-esteem isn't impacted. The kind of decision your ex made feels out of the blue and it doesn't seem worth to try and attach his decision to some fundamental part of yourself.
It is hard now but, it is for the best. I married at 25. We separated at 46. My world was shattered and I would have checked out if it weren’t for my kids. Find yourself and love yourself first. Learn from this experience, set healthy boundaries and know who deserves a seat at your table.
He found someone else.
Speaking as someone who has been through the same thing only it was 7 years and a bumpy road, I am responsible for the same actions you've highlighted. You're right in saying it's a matter of maturity. I'm incredibly lucky to still have my best friend, but I let very deep issues of my "self" manifest in a way that led to the outcome. My lack of communication and unwillingness to be truly vulnerable were big issues for me. We both had issues - but so does literally every single person on the planet. We went to therapy, we tried, she tried harder, I lost myself and gave up. There is no good reason, there is just reason. I reflect on how I acted - often - and I'm very, very aware of making sure I treat others better than I have. Now isn't the time to find an answer, now is the time to be sad and feel how you feel. When you're ready, the answers will come from yourself. If you do have any questions of my perspective, if it offers any consolation or ease or sense of grounding, please feel free to ask anything you want however you'd like to. OH and no matter what: always take care of your self - brush your teeth and wash behind your ears. Lapses in self care are more destructive than what you're pushing through, if you let them take hold.
Some men bail when decisions like buying a house together or a pregnancy appears. You will cope bc you must, life sometimes breaks your heart. I wish you well. Your next relationship will be amazing!
Embrace this. You have no idea how much this is going to expand your life. I was divorced in my twenties, and oh my God, has it been a wild and amazing ride. I'm so grateful I didn't stay in that marriage. You will grow so much and you will love it. It's scary at first, but I promise that you've got this!
I am sorry you are going through this pain. I obviously don’t know your boyfriend and can’t speak to his reasoning but I can tell you this: you will get through this. My husband walked out after 15 years. I was completely blindsided. We never fought and seemed so happy together. I truly didn’t think I would get through it, but I did. Not only did I get through it but found out I am so much stronger than I knew and know I can face anything life throws at me. On top of that I am now in my 40s and found the love of my life. What helped me was developing strong friendships and keeping busy.
I’m going through a similar ordeal. You are not alone. My wife (together for 12 years) was having an affair with her boss. Not how I was expecting to begin my 30’s.
My 2c: If you’re unhappy in your career, what you spend the majority of your time doing, you’re going to be unhappy in the rest of your life too. I needed to fix that before my relationship improved. Sounds like what he’s going through.
9 years and no ring, means you were always a placeholder, sorry to say. He may well have found someone else / developed a crush. Whatever you do, do not let him back into your life. Clean break is the way.
Hope you have lots of fun in Thailand 😁
You don’t need him 🖤
You don’t need him 🖤
there are so many things that i could say. i went through something somewhat similar (started dating someone at 19, it ended at 27, under similar circumstances to you). i’ll keep it short-ish. 28 is a good age… no really it is. at 28 you’re vital, young, but still mature in a lot of ways that matter. and the pain… it sucks… but you really WILL get through it. i know that it doesn’t seem possible right now …i get it… but i promise that every single day it will get the tiniest bit better until it snowballs into you feeling really good… so you need to remind yourself of that every day until you get there. take solace in silly things at first - small distractions and escapes. everything will remind you of him at first, but that WILL fade. take comfort in friends, family… do things that bring you small bits of joy, whether it’s walks outside, tv shows, games, time out with friends…whatever you need. baby steps until you get to the point where you can breathe again. again… you WILL get there.
He probably met someone int he process of doing things alone
Your only 28. Im sure things will be alright.
Just going off your side of the story, it’s not really you. Sounds like he’s dealing with some serious burnout at work with a healthy dose of depression and mid life crisis kicking in. The wanting to travel or change things up, or taking higher risks to feel happy are usually some pretty good signs of it. Think of it like the end of the Groundhog Day movie where Bill Murray gets to where he hates living in the same routine. He doesn’t necessarily hate anyone he just hates feeling stuck with doing the same thing.
The only best thing you can do now is accept it and move on quicker than him. Trust me he'll be back in no time. And watch No contact Lucia on YouTube. She is a game changer.
This happened with my ex-wife(20 yr relationship).. Feel sorry for you but it will get better. 🙂 Im just like you, relationships go up and down. It's just that you need to be there for each other and keep going. But sometimes Life happens. I thought i wouldnt get over my wife, but I know i will have it better soon enough. She hasnt been good to me for yrs but I tried everything, 3 months ago the divorce was a fact, she still seems to hesitate, i don't care, it wont be us 2 any time soon. She destroyed my loyalty to her and trust.
That’s why we’ve invented marriage. Sorry for your loss, but be happy the trash took care of itself!
Let them go, that’s the first step in overcoming the pain.
I'm not going to give you advice on your relationship as Idk all the ins and outs of what happened over the 9 years. But to cope and help you heal I can help. 1 separation is part of life, it's going to happen sometimes but that doesn't mean you stop trusting that you'll end up with someone for life eventually. Look for the lessons in the relationship what was ok to you and not what u liked and didn't how you changed through it and learn from reflecting on it. 2 if you're solo be sad for like 2-3 days then go hike go workout get hella healthy and fit. Make better food choices and work on yourself. 3 dive into a hobby you haven't tried before. Doing something new that you have interest in can take your mind off the "bad" for hours at a time. Plus u may meet someone who also does the hobby or likes to workout or hike or whatever. But just don't sit inside and be sad and wonder what you did. 4 don't go run and talk shit about him to your friends. If you do work things out but you've gone and expressed your anger and emotions to your friends and say things you maybe shouldn't have it can bite you in the ass later.
You know.. sometimes its good when our world is small, because when we sneak outside we realize all the other things to experience and we lose track of the small things we've achieved so far and whats meaningful to us. I bet thats what happened to him
He probably has thought it over many times. For past some months, he was trying to distance himself from you. And good sex can be just lust. Move on. He decided to f3ck you right before breaking up instead of just breaking up. That is almost a red flag there. Move on. It might take time. But then you will come out stronger girl.
I feel you sister. Been there and still there. Heartbreak is intense. It’s a whirlwind of emotions especially when you are the one being broken up with. It really doesn’t make sense and that’s ok. Sometimes it may never will. You have to be ok with that. This is coming from someone who is still lowkey heartbroken a year and half later. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it will be easy. There will be days when you just cry your eyes out, you may even find yourself angry. Sit with those uneasy feelings. Remember, these are normal responses even if you may not feel “normal” (esp crying in public). Just don’t act on impulsivity and do something you will regret . Slowly, as time passes you will hurt less and less. The first 2-5 months will be terrible. Spend time with yourself. Do things you love. You’ll see eventually, the thought of him will phase out of your mind. You may even find yourself disgusted by him (or maybe that’s only me 😅). You’ll be ok. I know it’s devestaing rn. Make sure to find closure. Gather your thoughts and questions. Based off what you’ve shared, and my opinion; he was checked out 6 months ago. He just didn’t have the balls to tell you and just held on. He also might have just wanted the sex part. Men can be very selfish and he certainly was with you. Depending on your relationship, he may even want you back after a while. Stay strong. Especially after you’ve taken time for yourself to reflect and see what you want. Now it’s your turn to be selfish. Figure out what you want. Heartbreak is imperative to our human nature. Good luck ✨. You got this. I believe in you. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to talk to. Sincerely, A heartbroken gal ❤️
Sounds kinda like a mid life crisis and he’s unhappy about something other than his job he needs to find himself
I am from Greece and I have to tell you girl that this is how men are if they want to leave they will show cruelty. Instead of saying happy birthday, he broke up with you. I will tell you now that he was probably preparing it for a long time, his actions show this and he didn't want to tell you until he was sure about it and he was calming you down and telling you that he loves you. Unfortunately, he was a hypocrite and a liar. Touch
Don't do anything leave him alone get away from him don't talk to him don't pressure him let him think and maybe he will come back and tell you what happened. Get a lawyer and arrange for your house who will take it and move on with your life. We've all done this.
Boyfriend for 9 years?!? If a guy won’t commit after 4-5 years MAX it’s best to move on because he’s gonna pull some shit exactly like this. And this is coming from a guy
I would ask if he is seeing someone else? Get that out of the way first. If he is then you know why after 9 years that he is calling it quits. If he is not, then find out what changed with you or with him. More then likly, he is feeling like he just isn't filling is commitment to you and helping with the rent or costs of rent and utitalites. It is very harmful for a man to loose their job and then they look and can't fine another one. I know that what happened with me was when I lost my job, I looked for another but I didn't have the necessary credentials for many positions. So what happened was I started getting off the road and went to my local bar and started drinking more and more. I would just make up stories to tell my wife.
Damn. He knew he was gonna switch it up on you and did it right when he couldn't wait anymore. Honestly the only feeling he deserves is contempt.
If he came back could you trust him not to do it again? You would be miserable not knowing for sure where you stood with this guy from now on.
God damn! 9 years? He was never staying. He was just looking for the most opportune moment to get out. 9 yeeeeeeaaaaars.
Things change and people change :/ sorry
He sounds like he may be depressed. Depression can trick your brain into all sorts of things. If he really did permanently throw away the relationship, that’s just sad and I’m sorry you’re going through this big of a loss. It’s not fair and I hope you are okay.