Don’t minimize your trauma. Death is death no matter how it came to you. From the hospital or the front lines.
Second. Just go for it. Know that she isn’t going to save you, but she may want to make space for you and give you the spiritual nourishment that would be helpful for you to heal.
She can’t fix you, but she should be allowed to love you.
Let the Universe tell you know and don’t borrow trouble. Go for it
To add on to this, be frank with expectations and communication is key here, but definitely it sounds like you might regret it if you don't take this chance judging by your tone of writing.
Just wanted to say that your comment and Rodrigo's comment below both really resonated with me and I wanted thank you for posting it. I know I'm not the OP but nevertheless, this was a lightbulb moment that I sorely needed.
No idea why Reddit pushed this thread to me today but I'm not questioning the universe on this one lol.
She's a grown up, let her decide if you deserve her, that's not your call.
What's for you to decide is whether you want her. The problem is your depression that can cloud your judgment so maybe it's hard to tell whether you genuinely want her or just need someone to prop you up.
Ideally you would be happy on your own before going into a relationship, but life doesn't give us ideal timings, you have to work with what you have.
Go slow and let her make her decisions, you make yours. Avoid creating drama!
Yes this! Chances are, there are matters she’s probably afraid you would reject her for as well. You really never know what someone is thinking.
Someone I have missed for a while contacted me last week and we met. He said he thought he completely blew his chances back then, so he didn’t try again. He asked me why I didn’t contact him if I missed him, he would’ve been happy to get my text.
Give you both a chance to be happy together, please.
Exactly.
She may also be feeling somewhat inadequate with her own value and self esteem after the breakdown of a marriage. By contacting you I would suggest she has seen some desirable qualities you offer that perhaps didn't manage to cement in her previous relationship.
Perhaps together you could become a powerful team and bring out the best in each other.
Go get em and good luck.
Go after it. If she's a catch and as beautiful as you say she will find another partner in the very near future, and if you end up getting your shit together you will always wonder what if. Be frank with her and you can share about some of your PTSD, but you've got to cut the mopey, woe is me shit. Getting back in touch with her may be the catalyst for you pulling your life back together.
This is getting downvoted for some reason, but it says right in the post that this chick cheated on multiple boyfriends to be with OP. Absolutely fucking mad to downvote something that’s objectively true.
For sure they can, and she did, but sometimes people love a romantic story. She couldn’t resist him because he is the one, they’re meant to be together for each other, and there won’t be any cheating from either one if they do indeed come together! It won’t be the first time it’s happened.
Thats not romantic, she promised herself to multiple men and broke that promise over and over and over because she lusted after OP. If he doesnt think she’ll do the same to him hes a moron.
Yall watch too many disney and lifetime movies lmao
No, I’m not a Disney watcher though I did enjoy some songs from when the Little Mermaid was played a lot while I babysat as a teenager, because the parents would allow them to watch a movie, and that was the one always chosen, back in the day.
Somehow that horrid “Let It Go” song made it into my music files. Deleted that.
OP knows and maybe it’s not important to him. He didn’t express as such. Maybe he is unwilling to put monogamy on the table for himself especially as he isn’t feeling 100% so doesn’t want to promise he isn’t sure to be able to keep, so doesn’t really think she should be so either so long as she is open and honest with all. Maybe he waves away any concerns by believing that by the time he wants monogamy, she will, too.
I know men who don’t need monogamy, nor is it for me. I want the men in my life (and people in general) to have the freedom to explore what is best in their lives and gives the most enjoyment so long as not harmful. Being with people who are lying to their partners is hurtful, so best avoided. But there are honest people.
And if I am with a boyfriend, then I’m happy for him when I hear he is having a good time when we are not together. I don’t feel threatened because our relationship stands on its own and I take care of him and he takes care of me. If he decides he no longer wants to be with me for whatever reason including wanting another person more, then it simply means we are no longer compatible, and I really do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. There are other fish in the sea, you know, heartbreaking and painful though it may be when love is not requited. But I have been through much in life and I enjoy the relationships so long they last to the full extent and do not ask for more. And some of mine have lasted longer than most marriages. My closest, deepest relationships have been non-monogamous. And sometimes the shoe is on the other foot, and I am doing the one leaving, which is most of the time but not for the three with whom I’ve fallen in love, but that’s ongoing with the best.
So I just don’t assume what OP is thinking regarding her earlier infidelities. Maybe he is flattered and thinks it won’t happen to him when he is the primary partner. He wouldn’t be the first to think that.
Or maybe it doesn’t concern him so long as she has learned to be ethical in whom she meets and is not keeping secrets from OP, but what is important to him is how they feel when he and she are together because and whether they enjoy each other’s company regardless of whether they sometimes spend a little time with others just as they do with friends and family.
Why don’t you let her decide? Tell her what you told us. And if you’re that worried about needing to get better, you could always work that into a plan and follow it regardless of what she says.
I've missed out on at least 2 potential great relationships because of poor mental health.
I think I would be really honest with her without putting any responsibility on her. Something like the following but in your own words:
"Hey, I can see your interest and I'm really really touched. Truthfully I feel the same way.
However, due to some traumatic events in the military I'm in a really poor state of mental health right now. I'm un/willing to go into details at this point in time. Xyz are things I'm doing to help myself.
The reason I tell you this is that the person I was and the person I am are very different.
With that said, once you've had time to consider how you feel about this, I'm willing try and see how it goes because I do not want to miss out on something that could be truly great. I wanted to warn you that it won't be easy However".
And go from there.
Thats what I'd do anyway.
You're more than your trauma my dude, you can overcome this even if it feels like you can't.
She sees you as the one. The one that got away. Give it a try. Sometimes you need a reason to come out of the grey. She could be your reason. The start of many reasons. Don't use it as an excuse as it's not right time, again. There never is a right time. Go for it. You never know. There is one life. Good luck.
It seems to me you are not worried about her judging you as much as you judging yourself. It is the hardest battle and I wish you the best. You obviously need to get your life in order. At this point I would send a text saying, hey you’re awesome and deserve the best however I need to put myself first because I also deserve the best as well. I’m also quite curious about her intimate life about her being okay with certain living situations. She obviously has her baggage too and sometimes we forget that other people have their problems because of the physical pedestal we put them on. Be honest with yourself, take an emotional and mental inventory, make a game plan, and just try to do 1% better each day. It takes small steps always. Maybe one day you’re feeling better and realistically doing better. Then it may be the right time. You can’t force it mate. Take care of yourself.
So this girl got married and is now divorced. She didn’t contact you until after the divorce which is a good sign. Now you’re both available and she never forgot you.
You must pursue this. It could be FWB or long term. She may want you so bad that she doesn’t care about anything that you’re worried about.
Pursue this and work on yourself. She may be the very person that will help you become the man you want to be.
If you don’t, you’ll wish you had.
Hey, with all due respect; Having to fix the not yet dead will probably fuck you up just as much as being in combat. I can't imagine what it would be like knowing that most people who come to you are are fucking dying. It can be hard enough to care for people, let alone if they have pieces missing.
You’re depressed and life is absolute shit right now. You’ve probably asked god for help or a sign of something…
Don’t let this pass you by brother. It’s no coincidence she’s reaching out and wanting to spend time with you. Good luck my guy and please give us updates
That last paragraph sounds to me as if your pain is talking. Are you seeing a therapist? If so, you might want to talk with them about parts work or internal family systems. You already seem to be using thar kind of language, and it can help you resolve some of the inner conflict. Good luck.
My man, go get some therapy. We don’t talk about that enough as men that it’s okay to get that kind of help when you need it. I know the VA isn’t great, but they have [24/7 services](https://www.va.gov/health-care/health-needs-conditions/mental-health/) for mental health. They also have [employment help](https://www.va.gov/careers-employment/veteran-resources/). Take advantage of it. You are worth it. And go get the girl!
a man with a right woman next to him can achieve things he cant image that would be possible to accomplish. Thats what I think and have experienced as well. if You think she is the one go for it.
Equal or better? My man, you saved lives. You may not have been a combat vet but you still saw all the gnarly results of it. Any type of medic, be it army, navy, marines, is in my book, worth a damn. Thank you for your service. Now stop being so hard on yourself. If it feels right, go for it. Don’t let her be the one that got away… again!! Do it for yourself because you deserve it.
Not just worth a damn, but is wonderful ! Thank you for risking your life to save others. I agree, give yourself a chance and meet this woman. Maybe it’s great, maybe it’s not, but you will always wonder if you don’t.
The greatest insult you could give her is not allowing her to decide for herself. Nothing you wrote makes you sounds like a bad or subpar person. PTSD is a more than a legitimate reason to be having a hard time. Rejecting or ghosting her without giving her a chance to accept you will hurt her no matter how you do it, plus you are taking away her agency in the decision. Being vulnerable is hard, but you both deserve the chance to accept each other. If she’s thinking about you ten years later, you really mean something to her. Don’t self sabotage yourself out of a chance at a really good relationship. Tell her what you wrote here, and see what happens.
She reached out because she wanted to know how you are. So tell her. Be honest about your situation and ask her if she's willing to spend time with you again regardless. If she's not, she'll let you know. If she is then there is that too. She's a grown woman who can make her own decisions and will. Don't go looking gift horses in the mouth. Try and see this as an opportunity not an issue. I hope you do this for yourself. You deserve it. Good luck internet stranger.
Bullshit.
You are at your rock bottom and life is offering you a hand to help you get back up and keep fighting. It is your decision to reject it or not but you are lying to yourself if you go for this "she is too good for me" bullshit.
First off, *you* don't get to decide if you are good enough for her, *she* is the only one who has that power, so stop it.
Second, as I said, it is your decision to reject her but, if you just ghost her and leave her behind, there are two things you should add to that "list of bad things you are" that you like so much: a coward (because you are afraid someone you clearly love would treat you well) and a bad person (because you don't just disappear on the people that loves you unless you want to harm them, something only a bad person would do). So, if you are going to reject her, do it face to face and at least have the decency of giving her some closure.
Man, now you are full of pain and regret, you have been through a lot of fucked up stuff and you are scarred and feel like shit all the time. If you turn your back to this opportunity to feel human again, there's a chance you'll never be on your feet again. Just go and see her, have a chat, talk about the good times. Feel human again for a little while. And tell her about your hell, tell her why you feel insecure about seeing her more, and tell her the truth about if you actually want to see her again or not... and let her decide what she wants to do.
You deserve a good life. Maybe it could be with her or maybe not but don't punish her, or yourself, just because it is difficult to try again. She has been thinking of you all this time, give her at least this. Please
You never know what her head space was like when you were younger. Maybe you were that person for her to help her over the hurdle to success. I say go for it, people will be in your life if they want you in their life
Lay it out. But don’t forget the person you are, the person she fell in love with. That person is still there and with the right support you could exceed both of your expectations.
Life is throwing you a golden opportunity at something positive and uplifting and you’re unfortunately perceiving it from a perspective of self deprecation and insecurity. Understandably.
In a situation like this, you may indeed be right that you fall short to this individual. But people aren’t exclusively a culmination of who they are in any given moment. The intents and desire of their hearts and who they want to be also play a significant role.
This is likely the only opportunity in your life like this that you will get. Almost like a 2nd chance at something better for yourself. Take the negative self deprecation of how you think she deserves more than what you are now and use that as motivation to live up to the idealized version of who you think she deserves to be with. That way, you get to motivate yourself to be better than how you see yourself now, and you get to become the kind of individual that you think is worthy of her ultimately leading to you both being happy.
People can change and do change. Some for the better and some for the worse. Choose to change for the better. This is that golden opportunity to motivate yourself to change for the better, not just for someone else but also for yourself.
Good luck dude.
Don't listen to the other people calling her trash. Sounds like everyone else was second place. A consolation prize because she couldnt get what she truly wanted.
I’m not trying to be negative but I kinda agree with this guy. MAYBE NOT, but maybe. This is what they do. This happened to me. They’re so curious and excited and want to figure us out but once they get us and have our attention on them they no longer want it. She may look at you as something she can’t have, and wants. And once she gets what she wants she’ll be done. I would be careful how you approach it. It could make your life better or immensely worse
Just be transparent about your struggles and don’t take them out on her, make sure you’re in therapy as well because otherwise it can be just as devastating to engage with her but fail because you weren’t mentally prepared. Even starting therapy as soon as this week is a massive step towards being better prepared to handle giving/receiving the level of love that it sounds like you’re both looking for
Hey man, don't live with regrets. She contacted you after all this time because she knew you had a good soul. Could things go south? Of course. Not everything ends happy, that's life for ya. But better to know that, and to be there when it happens, then be haunted for the next 10 years of your life by what-ifs. What if you had reached out to her? What if you had stayed?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like you've been shit out of luck for a while. This is an incredible thing to happen in my book. I'd jump at it.
Hey dumbass, shit happens for a reason. Don't assume you have the right to make descision for others. Doing so will devalue her much more than anything else you could possibly do. Also, I say this with the utmost love ❤
Get therapy. Start working on being the Person you want to be and deserve to be. If you want to tell her, do so. If she cant deal then thats on her not you my dude.
Good luck
I highly doubt she’s going to judge you on those things, after all she contacted you because you meant something to her. Just tell her those things that’s been bothering you and get it out of the way and see if she’s willing to go with it, I mean isn’t it better to take a risk than regret it what could’ve been?
Your depression is what's making you feel guilt and not good enough for her. Been there many times. She'll decide if you're right for her, maybe she'd be really good for you as well!
You're in a hole, so it makes sense that all you can see is hole right now. Don't give up, there's a whole world up the top and you will. get. out.
Take a chance with her, it could be both of a happily ever after for you both and everyone deserves that.
First, there's no she deserve better. You're not a murderer, you're not a criminal, you're not a sex offender, nothing like that.
You are someone that had trauma that affected you. Someone who currently need help to go through a very hard time that will also require time to heal.
The question is not does she deserve better, it's is she ready to be with someone who need support? And the only way is to be truthfully with her. I know it could add to the trauma if she decline, but this will also expose that it wasn't love.
It won't be better if in 2 months or 6 years, a trauma come back (or a new one) after this and she leave you because of it. It's better to know now if she's ready to support someone that need help that she love or not.
Now, for some that might say past fling isn't a good thing. I'm currently in that type of relationship. I'm 10 years down the road and counting in a relationship with a girl that was my fuck friend for 2 years and then 1 years in relationship and she cheated on me. That was about 22 years ago. We separated and still saw each other for maybe 2 years and she was cut from everyone because of an abusive ex. In an ex job, I bump into her 11 years ago and we reconnect and are happy together. And it's going strong. What happen 22 years ago is the past, we were young, I was her first and relation was weird at that time. I had my share of responsabilities in that bad relationship.
So yeah, if you think you do love this women, go for it. Love can help you go through. Talk to her about what's going on, don't have to go in depth on the first contact but don't be too vague also. See how she react, how she reach. Someone that love you will want to help you, will care for you.
Again, you are not a bad person! You are a person that is having a bad time, a bad patch, must like she did in the past (you said yourself she got her shit together). If something, because of her past, she might even be able to help you better.
Be the man she deserves if you are lucky enough to have her interest. Maybe you don't feel like you are today, but if you set your mind to deserving it in your future, does it matter how you feel today? You deserve good things too even if you don't feel like it, you truly do, every human being does. Cherish her.
You both are grown. If she’s divorced now, she may be happy just having someone to lean on a little without a full relationship anyhow. I think one of the pleasures of dating older is that there’s less pressure to follow the date-to-marriage fast track. We all know the older folks with special « friends » rather than conventional partners. All you can do is be open and honest with her
Man, maybe this is universe reaching out? Seeing that you struggle and giving you a hand?
Don't refuse it without thinking this through. If she is so great like she sounds from your post maybe it will help you get yourself together, for both of you.
You deserve to be happy, same as she does.
Im keeping fingers crossed for you :)
maybe she could help you get your life back on track don’t use her but if you have feelings reach out to her and open up about things if she truly cares for you she’ll help you bro i hope things work out for you man
You need to speak to a professional about your trauma. You can be up front about it and I would advise that you take things slowly with her. You don't have to immediately move in together. You are both different people to who you were before. Give yourselves a chance to get acquainted with the current you.
#1. Have you filed a VA claim for disability?
#2. Don't buy into that crap that only combat corpsmen can have PTSD. I'm an AT, and have enough of it for the both of us.
#3. Don't sell yourself short. Life is messy and works in mysterious ways, take a chance on romance and happiness!
You are a brave person. I don’t think that you being unemployed and in your whole situation would be a burden to her. She clearly still loves you and wants to give you guys a real shot at love. I’m sure in these circumstances she understands and respects the situation you are in and I am certain she will go out of her way to help you get back on your feet. It sounds like you two are meant for each other. Please don’t let your ego get in the way of love. She will most definitely be the making if you, you will be the making of each other. I’m sure you’ll repay her when you’re back on your feet. I think the reward for her would be you two giving it a go for real. Don’t worry about the other details. Just go for it. You are not a piece of shit. You are a person who helped others in their hours of need and like many people who go in the army, you get left with little to no support when you leave the profession. This is not your fault. You should be very proud of yourself. Do yourself a favour and just go for it and be all in with her with your whole truth right from the start and she will be grateful that you trust her to confide in her all of this. You will gain her trust and make her feel safe with your transparency. It’s win win. Good luck 😉
This reminds me so much of a character arc in God of War where a character feels he isn’t worthy of the woman he loves and rips the decision from her. [Link](https://youtu.be/LaL0qC47CcU?si=LQhKM_NIAClb3zMw)
Do it bro! Then work on becoming who you want to be if she understands you and you both work out you both will improve!
Stop with the I’m bad mentality and create the better you! You know it’s bad and only you can fix it! Empower yourself!
As a vet myself you served your time and you have the (mental) scars to show. Maybe she is the shining light you need to navigate out of the darkness. Give it a chance. Sometimes all we need is someone willing to understand and give us a little extra motivation.
When you’re right, you’re right. You need to figure out whatever you got going on first before you can step into a relationship and expect it to be successful. It’s the hard truth put bluntly but it’s the truth nonetheless.
Dude you were a medic? That’s one of the coolest things anyone could ever do! I’m sorry you’ve been struggling a lot but you talk about things like getting anti-depression meds, and talk about alcohol abuse in the past tense, so it sounds like you’ve already worked on yourself a lot. I think you have more going for yourself than you think.
Why don't you take this as an opportunity to change your direction in life? A woman is wanting to have a relationship with you. Be honest with her, telling her your current situation. If she still wants to have a relationship, roll with it. You now have a positive role model that can lead by example, show you how to live, and just change your life for the better.
Brother if you won’t meet her, you will regret it.
Maybe a friend is what it takes for you to stop thinking about all the traumatic experiences.
I also suffer from trauma, by far the worst episodes of my life was when I was sitting lonely in my room avoiding people and letting the thoughts sink in. Having friends is a great distraction to these problematic memories.
Please go meet her, It could be what will push you to start living normally again. Trauma will consume you, if you will just sit at home and cut off all contacts, so don’t let it do that.
1st . Go to the gym.
Find a job... indeed, monster hell, the closest place to you that's hiring...
Make a plan for the next 3 to 6 mths
Don't sleep in and don't eat bullshit... cut the can't sodas carbs processed foods all that...
Find you 3 books to read... only one can be non-fiction
Stay off social media... I mean delete all of it ....
Don't binge watch streaming services... delete them if you have them, especially if you are paying for them.
And hear this last part clear
NOBODY IS FUCKING COMING TO SAVE YOU...GET THE FUCK UP AND START SWIMMING TODAY.
https://www.youtube.com/live/TynuwhjqEYY?si=EPDjkKo5TKGa81y4
https://youtube.com/@freshfitmiami?si=8uGiIYik3Oqa9-tQ
YOU deserve a good partner. You deserved to be loved too man. Stop beating yourself up you may be broken from the trauma you faced, but you are still worthy of love. You deserve peace and happiness and I pray you get the healing you need ❤️🩹 from what you wrote, it sounds like you mean a lot to each other. Don’t let the opportunity slip by, or you will spend the rest of your life wondering what if? Wishing you the best of luck OP, hang in there ❤️
Thank you for your service! Don’t diminish your role protecting our sovereign nation. Tell her. We all have our baggage. If it turns her off you can move on in peace. Find help and slay the demons. 🙏🙏
Sounds like you're really down on yourself. That's understandable. Maybe you're feeling a little imposter syndrome like you're not the success you should be by now and you're looking at her and thinking that you know she's solved all her issues and is way beyond you now. But chances are she has problems of her own she's probably just not wallowing in them and telling you all about them.
I'd give it a shot. The worst that can happen is that you reconnect on a friend level and then you move on and continue to work on yourself. Who knows? Maybe things will work out between you two and it'll give you a little confidence boost to help you pull yourself together as well. I hate to see you miss out on something good just because you feel ashamed of how you haven't been as successful as she might expect you to be. You don't know what she expects you to be.
Veteran here. With PTSD. Not combat-related. After 30yrs I’m actually starting to get my head straight. And we’re all glad you weren’t able to go through with it.
1. Sometimes people are put in front of you at that moment for a reason. You should see if maybe this is one of those cases.
2. If she’s a teacher, she’s kind. And it sounds like you could use some kindness and some beauty in your life right now.
Be strong, 💪 brother. For a little bit longer. Still work to be done here.
Use this as a motivation to get your act together.
Be honest with her. Tell her you are in a bad place, and you will love to see her when you are better. If she is truly into you, she will wait.
I got in a relationship with a man who was depressed and drinking. After 6 months he could not keep up the appearance anymore and hit rock bottom.
Dont go into a relationship with nothing to offer (I dont mean money).
You deserve to be happy. Even if you aren’t financially stable right now, you still deserve to be happy. Even if you were about to end it all. You deserve to be happy. No one inherently deserves to be sad. Let the universe throw you a bone, don’t bring money into it, don’t bring your bad times into it. Go into this with what you have, find your meaning and place. Route out where you’re supposed to be, you’re allowed to have a little rest once in a while as long as you get back up again :)
Please don't ghost her. Tell her everything honestly and let her make her decision moving forward. I have come to understand that we deserve love at our best and worst. Her stability may help you get back on your feet, but if you're not ready to date let her know as well. A supportive friend can be good for you right now. All the best!
I have someone trying to tell me I'm too good for them at the moment. That they're too fucked up and I deserve better. I wish he'd let me decide. And ditto for previous people who have done the same. I have my own trauma and a bucket full of faults. But I also have so much love to give. And maybe we can help each other be better. She's been thinking of you all this time. You were the one that got away. The what if. You have an opportunity to find out. Take it. Let her love you.
One way to deal with depression is to work your way out of it, so go for it , because if you don't I get a sense you're going to regret it and it will only only pile on .
What you described is it sounds like she's really into you , and has been a long time . And it sounds like you need someone who cares for you in your corner.
You've already endured so much and survived it. In the very least go on a date with her.
Sounds to me like she is exactly what you need. Hang out and don't feel pressured either way. I'm willing to bet you'll actually WANT to start working on yourself and if she really cares she'll encourage you every step of the way. Or maybe she'll kick your ass. Either way it sounds like you've got a good thing going. Embrace it.
Be open with her and let her decide.
You don't plan to be celibate, right? Are you planning to only date someone you care for less because youll feel more "deserving"?
That wouldn't be fair to them either.
Anyway, your friend seems to have her shit together and you care about her. Use that as motivation to improve yourself and let her support your improvements until you feel more worthy.
Go with her you dummy. Don’t be like me. I had a similar situation when I was in the Army and I fucked it up and beat myself up over it years later. She will move on without you eventually and then you’ll never get her back. Be selfish. Care about you and what you want. She’s old enough that she’s been with guys who were worse than you I promise
Seems like timing again. Be upfront with her. Go on a dinner date and a long talk and spill the beans. I'm sure she has baggage as well. You don't have to go 0 to 100mph.
Your both older now, and you both have a higher level of maturity. Then you can make a better decision. However, never throw away an opportunity. That creates regrets and regrets can add up. Learn to live, love, and laugh again. It may be what the doctor ordered.
My boyfriend of 4 years now kept saying I'm way out of his league. I would just brush it off at first because I didn't care about any of the things he was so concerned about.
If he had a big career he wouldn't have time to cook for me, he wouldn't have the emotional bandwidth and energy left to really be interested in what I do, he would not be able to, later on, when we lived together and I was working a lot to take care of the household and me when I got increasingly fatigued and eventually just was in bed and at work until I became disabled so now he's my caregiver.
My sister's boyfriend was literally a lumberjack, then in city maintenance, landscaping, until a school got their budgets readjusted so they could have him as the main janitor.
She has a corporate career, I've always had my own businesses. How could we do anything if we did not have good men helping us?
I was married to a woman in the past and we were good neighborhood business owners with her doing the administrative work and me as the visionary, staff trainer etc.
People found that more acceptable than a part-time working partner who is a man for some reason.
Can we PLEASE stop it with the #20thCenturyBS ?
One person who works a lot is enough. And very often even someone who is financially solid without having to work a lot is very happy with a partner who isn't breaking their back in two jobs and trying to get a degree on top of that.
PTSD and depression are terrible. But getting through all that and being on the other end can help others because they feel understood.
Someone who has it all together on a spreadsheet might still be hurting like hell.
You might still be hurting like hell.
Telling you it gets better is not useful if that is the case. I've been there. I've sat in a chair for months unable to get up.
Before that I've had panic attacks that led to psychogenic seizures during meetings with my employees.
And if I google myself or look at old social media pictures I look oh so successful.
My sister hasn't had anything like that. Her lumberjack has been working with her for over 20 years now. He was terrible whenever he had a few beers. Total jerk. But I have to admit he did change a lot because at some point he started to believe that maybe of that woman keeps loving him he might actually be a good guy. So he became one 24/7. He didn't quit drinking. He's just nice now all the time, naturally.
Don't ghost her, if you feel that strong toward her maybe she's the light at the end of your rainbow. Someone who will see the real you and help you be a great person and reach your full potential.
You say she deserves somebody better or her equal but what you don’t understand is that she sees you as her equal. Go for it or you’re going to spend forever wondering about the “what if”
Who are you to say you are not good enough for her? Although loving yourself is important aswell if you want to give your heart to someone. So if you feel like you need to work on things YOU want, than go for it. Other than that I would let her decide if you are good enough for her.
Don't ghost people, it's the worst.
If you care, let her try and either it works out or it doesn't.
I'm currently in the situation where I've talked to a colleague and it's been amazing, she called to talk about her day, asked me to tag along on walks or just shopping for groceries. I like her a lot and I've looked forward to her next call every single day.
Suddenly she stopped responding and started avoiding talking to me at work. I have no idea what I've done, asking gave no clear answer. The vibes tell me she wants nothing to do with me, so I've obliged. I can endure it at work, but id rather not make it weird for her so better if I stay distant.
She not wanting to be with me is fine, I would have enjoyed just being friends. But not knowing what the hell happened is driving me up the walls, I've been pondering for weeks.
Did I fuck up? Did she just use me to put up those curtain rods in her apartment? Do I stink or something?
I should just give it up I know, but it's not easy.
stop operating from a place of no self worth, if she’s good for you you deserve her. Granted you might feel this way for a reason and you may need to work on things in yourself but it’s definitely not the case that “she deserves someone better” if you want her.
Hey man, pull yourself together and be with her! Can tell that you love her a lot just from these thoughts of worrying if you are the best for her. But since she is the one approaching you, please respect her feelings too. All the best!! We are cheering you on
Ah fella! Be as open and honest as you feel comfortable with at the present moment, don't ghost her. Explain how you feel you owe it to yourself to lay it all out for her, especially with the connection you both have.
Don't shut yourself away because you feel like you don't deserve her love, you do, you've just forgotten with all the trauma. I'm a 36f and what I've said I'd appreciate so much more than not knowing, you never know she might be the one to get you out this negative mind set. It's hard and emotionally draining but YOU ARE WORTH IT... DO NOT GIVE UP!
I wish you all the best and sincerely hope you give it a shot.
(English female, dad and grandad served in the forces)
YOU ARE WORTH IT ❤️
Tell her exactly what you just said here. THE TRUTH. Stop trying to make her decision for her! And stressing yourself out in the process. Just because you feel a way about yourself doesn’t mean she will see you that way and you never know maybe if you tell her the truth she will say that for now she just wants to be friends and it sounds like that’s what you need at this moment. I don’t know but the one thing I do is that the truth always sets you free!
I have a lot of experience with pushing people I care about away from me, to keep them from having to deal with my. As long as you're honest and open about everything you deal with, she's still willing to purse a relationship, and most importantly YOU are doing the most you can to try and get better, then you absolutely should. If you can't do the last part your wasting her time. At the very least you should become friends, having someone that really cares for you is important for strengthing your support system.
First and foremost thank you for your service. It sounds like you all had some good times and she would like to rekindle things. Give it a chance at least. Sure be honest with her, be vulnerable and see how it goes. She might be the rock you need in your life. You need to find something positive to focus your energy on. What is your ideal job? What could you do that would be fulfilling/satisfying? It is never too late to hit the reset button and start over fresh.
Just be honest with her. Share your concerns and feelings and let her make her own informed decision. Don’t make a decision for her, and don’t just stop talking to her
Do NOT tell her about having no job or suicide. Let her romance you, let her make you dinner and invite you to stay over at her condo.
Once you've had sex with her for a month, then you can sit down with a clear mind, full stomach, and empty balls and decide if you really like her.
"...when I'd come home on leave, she'd drop everything/everyone (BFs included) to spend time with me. I got out and we were going to move in together. Then she tells me she has a BF but it was okay if we still shared an apartment."
Maybe don't get serious with her because she is actually trash???
But yeah, unemployment, alcoholism, PTSD, and suicidality probably wouldn't make you the ideal mate for anyone at the moment.
She sounds like a cheater to me. She would get an apartment with you while she has a BF? Red flags galore. When she gets bored of you, she will start seeing someone else. You ever wonder how many other FWB she currently has?
She doesn't deserve you. She was willing to move in with you while having a boyfriend. She cheated on multiple boyfriends with you by the sound of it. If she would cheat with you, then she would cheat on you. I understand that this woman is beautiful and elegant, but don't let it blind you. You may be in a rough spot right now, but you deserve better. I'm sorry what you had to experience during your time treating causalities in the military. That must be rough. Thank you for your service <3.
Don’t minimize your trauma. Death is death no matter how it came to you. From the hospital or the front lines. Second. Just go for it. Know that she isn’t going to save you, but she may want to make space for you and give you the spiritual nourishment that would be helpful for you to heal. She can’t fix you, but she should be allowed to love you. Let the Universe tell you know and don’t borrow trouble. Go for it
To add on to this, be frank with expectations and communication is key here, but definitely it sounds like you might regret it if you don't take this chance judging by your tone of writing.
This, this, this!!!
This is a fantastic comment
Just wanted to say that your comment and Rodrigo's comment below both really resonated with me and I wanted thank you for posting it. I know I'm not the OP but nevertheless, this was a lightbulb moment that I sorely needed. No idea why Reddit pushed this thread to me today but I'm not questioning the universe on this one lol.
Glad to hear. Hope everything works out for the best
I hope so as well. Slowly but surely chipping away at it all 😊
She's a grown up, let her decide if you deserve her, that's not your call. What's for you to decide is whether you want her. The problem is your depression that can cloud your judgment so maybe it's hard to tell whether you genuinely want her or just need someone to prop you up. Ideally you would be happy on your own before going into a relationship, but life doesn't give us ideal timings, you have to work with what you have. Go slow and let her make her decisions, you make yours. Avoid creating drama!
Yes this! Chances are, there are matters she’s probably afraid you would reject her for as well. You really never know what someone is thinking. Someone I have missed for a while contacted me last week and we met. He said he thought he completely blew his chances back then, so he didn’t try again. He asked me why I didn’t contact him if I missed him, he would’ve been happy to get my text. Give you both a chance to be happy together, please.
Exactly. She may also be feeling somewhat inadequate with her own value and self esteem after the breakdown of a marriage. By contacting you I would suggest she has seen some desirable qualities you offer that perhaps didn't manage to cement in her previous relationship. Perhaps together you could become a powerful team and bring out the best in each other. Go get em and good luck.
Lucky man, don't miss her! Regardless of how it goes, it may lighten you up
Go after it. If she's a catch and as beautiful as you say she will find another partner in the very near future, and if you end up getting your shit together you will always wonder what if. Be frank with her and you can share about some of your PTSD, but you've got to cut the mopey, woe is me shit. Getting back in touch with her may be the catalyst for you pulling your life back together.
Well according to OP shes a serial cheater so not exactly a catch lmao
This is getting downvoted for some reason, but it says right in the post that this chick cheated on multiple boyfriends to be with OP. Absolutely fucking mad to downvote something that’s objectively true.
Its reddit. Women cant do wrong apparently
For sure they can, and she did, but sometimes people love a romantic story. She couldn’t resist him because he is the one, they’re meant to be together for each other, and there won’t be any cheating from either one if they do indeed come together! It won’t be the first time it’s happened.
Thats not romantic, she promised herself to multiple men and broke that promise over and over and over because she lusted after OP. If he doesnt think she’ll do the same to him hes a moron. Yall watch too many disney and lifetime movies lmao
No, I’m not a Disney watcher though I did enjoy some songs from when the Little Mermaid was played a lot while I babysat as a teenager, because the parents would allow them to watch a movie, and that was the one always chosen, back in the day. Somehow that horrid “Let It Go” song made it into my music files. Deleted that. OP knows and maybe it’s not important to him. He didn’t express as such. Maybe he is unwilling to put monogamy on the table for himself especially as he isn’t feeling 100% so doesn’t want to promise he isn’t sure to be able to keep, so doesn’t really think she should be so either so long as she is open and honest with all. Maybe he waves away any concerns by believing that by the time he wants monogamy, she will, too. I know men who don’t need monogamy, nor is it for me. I want the men in my life (and people in general) to have the freedom to explore what is best in their lives and gives the most enjoyment so long as not harmful. Being with people who are lying to their partners is hurtful, so best avoided. But there are honest people. And if I am with a boyfriend, then I’m happy for him when I hear he is having a good time when we are not together. I don’t feel threatened because our relationship stands on its own and I take care of him and he takes care of me. If he decides he no longer wants to be with me for whatever reason including wanting another person more, then it simply means we are no longer compatible, and I really do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. There are other fish in the sea, you know, heartbreaking and painful though it may be when love is not requited. But I have been through much in life and I enjoy the relationships so long they last to the full extent and do not ask for more. And some of mine have lasted longer than most marriages. My closest, deepest relationships have been non-monogamous. And sometimes the shoe is on the other foot, and I am doing the one leaving, which is most of the time but not for the three with whom I’ve fallen in love, but that’s ongoing with the best. So I just don’t assume what OP is thinking regarding her earlier infidelities. Maybe he is flattered and thinks it won’t happen to him when he is the primary partner. He wouldn’t be the first to think that. Or maybe it doesn’t concern him so long as she has learned to be ethical in whom she meets and is not keeping secrets from OP, but what is important to him is how they feel when he and she are together because and whether they enjoy each other’s company regardless of whether they sometimes spend a little time with others just as they do with friends and family.
Every single one of your comments talks about how you hate women and call them hoes. Forgive me if I choose to ignore your responses.
You really don't think she will cheat on you if she cheated with you? You give human beings too much credit. Human beings are creatures of habit.
Thank you! I honestly don't understand some people. She's a catch just because she's attractive? Morals are important, too. For real...
There’s a reason that you didn’t do “it” and she contacted you so soon after. Take this as a sign. It won’t hurt to meet her and see how it goes.
Why don’t you let her decide? Tell her what you told us. And if you’re that worried about needing to get better, you could always work that into a plan and follow it regardless of what she says.
I've missed out on at least 2 potential great relationships because of poor mental health. I think I would be really honest with her without putting any responsibility on her. Something like the following but in your own words: "Hey, I can see your interest and I'm really really touched. Truthfully I feel the same way. However, due to some traumatic events in the military I'm in a really poor state of mental health right now. I'm un/willing to go into details at this point in time. Xyz are things I'm doing to help myself. The reason I tell you this is that the person I was and the person I am are very different. With that said, once you've had time to consider how you feel about this, I'm willing try and see how it goes because I do not want to miss out on something that could be truly great. I wanted to warn you that it won't be easy However". And go from there. Thats what I'd do anyway. You're more than your trauma my dude, you can overcome this even if it feels like you can't.
I second this. Ultimate advice
She sees you as the one. The one that got away. Give it a try. Sometimes you need a reason to come out of the grey. She could be your reason. The start of many reasons. Don't use it as an excuse as it's not right time, again. There never is a right time. Go for it. You never know. There is one life. Good luck.
Bro, What are you waiting for? Get after it
It seems to me you are not worried about her judging you as much as you judging yourself. It is the hardest battle and I wish you the best. You obviously need to get your life in order. At this point I would send a text saying, hey you’re awesome and deserve the best however I need to put myself first because I also deserve the best as well. I’m also quite curious about her intimate life about her being okay with certain living situations. She obviously has her baggage too and sometimes we forget that other people have their problems because of the physical pedestal we put them on. Be honest with yourself, take an emotional and mental inventory, make a game plan, and just try to do 1% better each day. It takes small steps always. Maybe one day you’re feeling better and realistically doing better. Then it may be the right time. You can’t force it mate. Take care of yourself.
You will regret it if you don’t pursue her. Hang out and see what happens, doesn’t mean you have to have massive expectations
So this girl got married and is now divorced. She didn’t contact you until after the divorce which is a good sign. Now you’re both available and she never forgot you. You must pursue this. It could be FWB or long term. She may want you so bad that she doesn’t care about anything that you’re worried about. Pursue this and work on yourself. She may be the very person that will help you become the man you want to be. If you don’t, you’ll wish you had.
Hey, with all due respect; Having to fix the not yet dead will probably fuck you up just as much as being in combat. I can't imagine what it would be like knowing that most people who come to you are are fucking dying. It can be hard enough to care for people, let alone if they have pieces missing.
You’re depressed and life is absolute shit right now. You’ve probably asked god for help or a sign of something… Don’t let this pass you by brother. It’s no coincidence she’s reaching out and wanting to spend time with you. Good luck my guy and please give us updates
And THIS is that sign!
That last paragraph sounds to me as if your pain is talking. Are you seeing a therapist? If so, you might want to talk with them about parts work or internal family systems. You already seem to be using thar kind of language, and it can help you resolve some of the inner conflict. Good luck.
It's not up to you to decide what she "deserves". If she wants to see you, and you want to as well, then just be open, be honest, and be yourself.
My man, go get some therapy. We don’t talk about that enough as men that it’s okay to get that kind of help when you need it. I know the VA isn’t great, but they have [24/7 services](https://www.va.gov/health-care/health-needs-conditions/mental-health/) for mental health. They also have [employment help](https://www.va.gov/careers-employment/veteran-resources/). Take advantage of it. You are worth it. And go get the girl!
a man with a right woman next to him can achieve things he cant image that would be possible to accomplish. Thats what I think and have experienced as well. if You think she is the one go for it.
DO IT
Equal or better? My man, you saved lives. You may not have been a combat vet but you still saw all the gnarly results of it. Any type of medic, be it army, navy, marines, is in my book, worth a damn. Thank you for your service. Now stop being so hard on yourself. If it feels right, go for it. Don’t let her be the one that got away… again!! Do it for yourself because you deserve it.
Not just worth a damn, but is wonderful ! Thank you for risking your life to save others. I agree, give yourself a chance and meet this woman. Maybe it’s great, maybe it’s not, but you will always wonder if you don’t.
The greatest insult you could give her is not allowing her to decide for herself. Nothing you wrote makes you sounds like a bad or subpar person. PTSD is a more than a legitimate reason to be having a hard time. Rejecting or ghosting her without giving her a chance to accept you will hurt her no matter how you do it, plus you are taking away her agency in the decision. Being vulnerable is hard, but you both deserve the chance to accept each other. If she’s thinking about you ten years later, you really mean something to her. Don’t self sabotage yourself out of a chance at a really good relationship. Tell her what you wrote here, and see what happens.
Love and exercise are the best depression medication. She wants someone who will love her for her and be that man.
Sounds like you got a reason to live my man
She reached out because she wanted to know how you are. So tell her. Be honest about your situation and ask her if she's willing to spend time with you again regardless. If she's not, she'll let you know. If she is then there is that too. She's a grown woman who can make her own decisions and will. Don't go looking gift horses in the mouth. Try and see this as an opportunity not an issue. I hope you do this for yourself. You deserve it. Good luck internet stranger.
Bullshit. You are at your rock bottom and life is offering you a hand to help you get back up and keep fighting. It is your decision to reject it or not but you are lying to yourself if you go for this "she is too good for me" bullshit. First off, *you* don't get to decide if you are good enough for her, *she* is the only one who has that power, so stop it. Second, as I said, it is your decision to reject her but, if you just ghost her and leave her behind, there are two things you should add to that "list of bad things you are" that you like so much: a coward (because you are afraid someone you clearly love would treat you well) and a bad person (because you don't just disappear on the people that loves you unless you want to harm them, something only a bad person would do). So, if you are going to reject her, do it face to face and at least have the decency of giving her some closure. Man, now you are full of pain and regret, you have been through a lot of fucked up stuff and you are scarred and feel like shit all the time. If you turn your back to this opportunity to feel human again, there's a chance you'll never be on your feet again. Just go and see her, have a chat, talk about the good times. Feel human again for a little while. And tell her about your hell, tell her why you feel insecure about seeing her more, and tell her the truth about if you actually want to see her again or not... and let her decide what she wants to do. You deserve a good life. Maybe it could be with her or maybe not but don't punish her, or yourself, just because it is difficult to try again. She has been thinking of you all this time, give her at least this. Please
Do it bro. My grandfather who was a priest told me that you don’t want to die old with a lot of regrets and what ifs.
Why don't you consult the love of your life, see how she feels about it?
You never know what her head space was like when you were younger. Maybe you were that person for her to help her over the hurdle to success. I say go for it, people will be in your life if they want you in their life
Lay it out. But don’t forget the person you are, the person she fell in love with. That person is still there and with the right support you could exceed both of your expectations.
Do you believe in God or angel's, she sees you and knows you but could be she is the angel you need and you are the angel she needs.
Ghosting is fucked. Dialogue wins.
She reached out to you. That’s a sign go for it wtf. You’re gonna be living with so many what ifs.
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 oh no you don’t! This is life changing for you! More to come…. 😊
Life is throwing you a golden opportunity at something positive and uplifting and you’re unfortunately perceiving it from a perspective of self deprecation and insecurity. Understandably. In a situation like this, you may indeed be right that you fall short to this individual. But people aren’t exclusively a culmination of who they are in any given moment. The intents and desire of their hearts and who they want to be also play a significant role. This is likely the only opportunity in your life like this that you will get. Almost like a 2nd chance at something better for yourself. Take the negative self deprecation of how you think she deserves more than what you are now and use that as motivation to live up to the idealized version of who you think she deserves to be with. That way, you get to motivate yourself to be better than how you see yourself now, and you get to become the kind of individual that you think is worthy of her ultimately leading to you both being happy. People can change and do change. Some for the better and some for the worse. Choose to change for the better. This is that golden opportunity to motivate yourself to change for the better, not just for someone else but also for yourself. Good luck dude.
Don't listen to the other people calling her trash. Sounds like everyone else was second place. A consolation prize because she couldnt get what she truly wanted.
I honestly think as soon as she's "allowed" you, she'll get bored, and fuck off.
I’m not trying to be negative but I kinda agree with this guy. MAYBE NOT, but maybe. This is what they do. This happened to me. They’re so curious and excited and want to figure us out but once they get us and have our attention on them they no longer want it. She may look at you as something she can’t have, and wants. And once she gets what she wants she’ll be done. I would be careful how you approach it. It could make your life better or immensely worse
Homie you're her bailout. She wouldn't have gotten married to someone else if she really wanted to be with you
Just be transparent about your struggles and don’t take them out on her, make sure you’re in therapy as well because otherwise it can be just as devastating to engage with her but fail because you weren’t mentally prepared. Even starting therapy as soon as this week is a massive step towards being better prepared to handle giving/receiving the level of love that it sounds like you’re both looking for
Well, change you then...
What if she wants to hang out with you? You’ll decline her because you think you don’t deserve it?
Hey man, don't live with regrets. She contacted you after all this time because she knew you had a good soul. Could things go south? Of course. Not everything ends happy, that's life for ya. But better to know that, and to be there when it happens, then be haunted for the next 10 years of your life by what-ifs. What if you had reached out to her? What if you had stayed?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but it seems like you've been shit out of luck for a while. This is an incredible thing to happen in my book. I'd jump at it.
Hey dumbass, shit happens for a reason. Don't assume you have the right to make descision for others. Doing so will devalue her much more than anything else you could possibly do. Also, I say this with the utmost love ❤
Get therapy. Start working on being the Person you want to be and deserve to be. If you want to tell her, do so. If she cant deal then thats on her not you my dude. Good luck
She might end up being the therapy you need to get your life back in order... or you might end up regreting it .. not everyone gets a second chance...
I highly doubt she’s going to judge you on those things, after all she contacted you because you meant something to her. Just tell her those things that’s been bothering you and get it out of the way and see if she’s willing to go with it, I mean isn’t it better to take a risk than regret it what could’ve been?
Honesty is an invaluable trait in a human being. Value yourself more & go for it.
Be kinder to yourself. Be fair to yourself. You have soaked up a lot of pain and bad times, but now it's time for some good times. You are worth it.
Your depression is what's making you feel guilt and not good enough for her. Been there many times. She'll decide if you're right for her, maybe she'd be really good for you as well! You're in a hole, so it makes sense that all you can see is hole right now. Don't give up, there's a whole world up the top and you will. get. out. Take a chance with her, it could be both of a happily ever after for you both and everyone deserves that.
First, there's no she deserve better. You're not a murderer, you're not a criminal, you're not a sex offender, nothing like that. You are someone that had trauma that affected you. Someone who currently need help to go through a very hard time that will also require time to heal. The question is not does she deserve better, it's is she ready to be with someone who need support? And the only way is to be truthfully with her. I know it could add to the trauma if she decline, but this will also expose that it wasn't love. It won't be better if in 2 months or 6 years, a trauma come back (or a new one) after this and she leave you because of it. It's better to know now if she's ready to support someone that need help that she love or not. Now, for some that might say past fling isn't a good thing. I'm currently in that type of relationship. I'm 10 years down the road and counting in a relationship with a girl that was my fuck friend for 2 years and then 1 years in relationship and she cheated on me. That was about 22 years ago. We separated and still saw each other for maybe 2 years and she was cut from everyone because of an abusive ex. In an ex job, I bump into her 11 years ago and we reconnect and are happy together. And it's going strong. What happen 22 years ago is the past, we were young, I was her first and relation was weird at that time. I had my share of responsabilities in that bad relationship. So yeah, if you think you do love this women, go for it. Love can help you go through. Talk to her about what's going on, don't have to go in depth on the first contact but don't be too vague also. See how she react, how she reach. Someone that love you will want to help you, will care for you. Again, you are not a bad person! You are a person that is having a bad time, a bad patch, must like she did in the past (you said yourself she got her shit together). If something, because of her past, she might even be able to help you better.
Hey remember what the F in FWB stands for. It sounds like you need a friend right now, so why not at least have that in your life?
Vet to vet I always had that feeling, like someone else deserves “it” more, but, like ten years ago, someone might just fuck it up Go for it buddy!
Ghosting her would be the cruelest thing you could possibly do to her.
Be the man she deserves if you are lucky enough to have her interest. Maybe you don't feel like you are today, but if you set your mind to deserving it in your future, does it matter how you feel today? You deserve good things too even if you don't feel like it, you truly do, every human being does. Cherish her.
She might be able to motivate you to get back on the horse. You deserve love too man.
Stop the self pitty bullshit. Go be happy.. for fuck sake, the world is at your door and your trying to close it.
Don't ghost her. That's traumatic to you AND her. People deserve to make their own decisions- if she doesn't want to be with you, let her choose too.
Be open and honest with her. We all need a friend.
You both are grown. If she’s divorced now, she may be happy just having someone to lean on a little without a full relationship anyhow. I think one of the pleasures of dating older is that there’s less pressure to follow the date-to-marriage fast track. We all know the older folks with special « friends » rather than conventional partners. All you can do is be open and honest with her
Man, maybe this is universe reaching out? Seeing that you struggle and giving you a hand? Don't refuse it without thinking this through. If she is so great like she sounds from your post maybe it will help you get yourself together, for both of you. You deserve to be happy, same as she does. Im keeping fingers crossed for you :)
maybe she could help you get your life back on track don’t use her but if you have feelings reach out to her and open up about things if she truly cares for you she’ll help you bro i hope things work out for you man
She could be the one that heals you or kill you. But it sounds like she really cares about you. Take rhe leap.
You ghost her you will hurt her. Go for it dude. Better yourself in the process. You can do it!
You need to speak to a professional about your trauma. You can be up front about it and I would advise that you take things slowly with her. You don't have to immediately move in together. You are both different people to who you were before. Give yourselves a chance to get acquainted with the current you.
#1. Have you filed a VA claim for disability? #2. Don't buy into that crap that only combat corpsmen can have PTSD. I'm an AT, and have enough of it for the both of us. #3. Don't sell yourself short. Life is messy and works in mysterious ways, take a chance on romance and happiness!
Instead of ghosting her, tell her the truth, including that you need time to work on yourself.
Maybe she can be the spark that lights your passion for life again, and pull you out of your darkness.
You are a brave person. I don’t think that you being unemployed and in your whole situation would be a burden to her. She clearly still loves you and wants to give you guys a real shot at love. I’m sure in these circumstances she understands and respects the situation you are in and I am certain she will go out of her way to help you get back on your feet. It sounds like you two are meant for each other. Please don’t let your ego get in the way of love. She will most definitely be the making if you, you will be the making of each other. I’m sure you’ll repay her when you’re back on your feet. I think the reward for her would be you two giving it a go for real. Don’t worry about the other details. Just go for it. You are not a piece of shit. You are a person who helped others in their hours of need and like many people who go in the army, you get left with little to no support when you leave the profession. This is not your fault. You should be very proud of yourself. Do yourself a favour and just go for it and be all in with her with your whole truth right from the start and she will be grateful that you trust her to confide in her all of this. You will gain her trust and make her feel safe with your transparency. It’s win win. Good luck 😉
This reminds me so much of a character arc in God of War where a character feels he isn’t worthy of the woman he loves and rips the decision from her. [Link](https://youtu.be/LaL0qC47CcU?si=LQhKM_NIAClb3zMw)
Do it bro! Then work on becoming who you want to be if she understands you and you both work out you both will improve! Stop with the I’m bad mentality and create the better you! You know it’s bad and only you can fix it! Empower yourself!
As a vet myself you served your time and you have the (mental) scars to show. Maybe she is the shining light you need to navigate out of the darkness. Give it a chance. Sometimes all we need is someone willing to understand and give us a little extra motivation.
When you’re right, you’re right. You need to figure out whatever you got going on first before you can step into a relationship and expect it to be successful. It’s the hard truth put bluntly but it’s the truth nonetheless.
Hey Doc dm me if you need to talk
Nothing wrong with bagging groceries. Start talking with old FWB. She might be able to help you get back on your feet.
Dude you were a medic? That’s one of the coolest things anyone could ever do! I’m sorry you’ve been struggling a lot but you talk about things like getting anti-depression meds, and talk about alcohol abuse in the past tense, so it sounds like you’ve already worked on yourself a lot. I think you have more going for yourself than you think.
Why don't you take this as an opportunity to change your direction in life? A woman is wanting to have a relationship with you. Be honest with her, telling her your current situation. If she still wants to have a relationship, roll with it. You now have a positive role model that can lead by example, show you how to live, and just change your life for the better.
Brother if you won’t meet her, you will regret it. Maybe a friend is what it takes for you to stop thinking about all the traumatic experiences. I also suffer from trauma, by far the worst episodes of my life was when I was sitting lonely in my room avoiding people and letting the thoughts sink in. Having friends is a great distraction to these problematic memories. Please go meet her, It could be what will push you to start living normally again. Trauma will consume you, if you will just sit at home and cut off all contacts, so don’t let it do that.
1st . Go to the gym. Find a job... indeed, monster hell, the closest place to you that's hiring... Make a plan for the next 3 to 6 mths Don't sleep in and don't eat bullshit... cut the can't sodas carbs processed foods all that... Find you 3 books to read... only one can be non-fiction Stay off social media... I mean delete all of it .... Don't binge watch streaming services... delete them if you have them, especially if you are paying for them. And hear this last part clear NOBODY IS FUCKING COMING TO SAVE YOU...GET THE FUCK UP AND START SWIMMING TODAY. https://www.youtube.com/live/TynuwhjqEYY?si=EPDjkKo5TKGa81y4 https://youtube.com/@freshfitmiami?si=8uGiIYik3Oqa9-tQ
YOU deserve a good partner. You deserved to be loved too man. Stop beating yourself up you may be broken from the trauma you faced, but you are still worthy of love. You deserve peace and happiness and I pray you get the healing you need ❤️🩹 from what you wrote, it sounds like you mean a lot to each other. Don’t let the opportunity slip by, or you will spend the rest of your life wondering what if? Wishing you the best of luck OP, hang in there ❤️
Thank you for your service! Don’t diminish your role protecting our sovereign nation. Tell her. We all have our baggage. If it turns her off you can move on in peace. Find help and slay the demons. 🙏🙏
Sounds like you're really down on yourself. That's understandable. Maybe you're feeling a little imposter syndrome like you're not the success you should be by now and you're looking at her and thinking that you know she's solved all her issues and is way beyond you now. But chances are she has problems of her own she's probably just not wallowing in them and telling you all about them. I'd give it a shot. The worst that can happen is that you reconnect on a friend level and then you move on and continue to work on yourself. Who knows? Maybe things will work out between you two and it'll give you a little confidence boost to help you pull yourself together as well. I hate to see you miss out on something good just because you feel ashamed of how you haven't been as successful as she might expect you to be. You don't know what she expects you to be.
Veteran here. With PTSD. Not combat-related. After 30yrs I’m actually starting to get my head straight. And we’re all glad you weren’t able to go through with it. 1. Sometimes people are put in front of you at that moment for a reason. You should see if maybe this is one of those cases. 2. If she’s a teacher, she’s kind. And it sounds like you could use some kindness and some beauty in your life right now. Be strong, 💪 brother. For a little bit longer. Still work to be done here.
Go for it brother. Keep working on yourself and believe in yourself. Your a good man Good luck mate 🫡👊
Look into moral injury, find a peer support group, get the help you deserve.
Use this as a motivation to get your act together. Be honest with her. Tell her you are in a bad place, and you will love to see her when you are better. If she is truly into you, she will wait. I got in a relationship with a man who was depressed and drinking. After 6 months he could not keep up the appearance anymore and hit rock bottom. Dont go into a relationship with nothing to offer (I dont mean money).
Dude don't let her get away. Chance of a lifetime
You deserve to be happy. Even if you aren’t financially stable right now, you still deserve to be happy. Even if you were about to end it all. You deserve to be happy. No one inherently deserves to be sad. Let the universe throw you a bone, don’t bring money into it, don’t bring your bad times into it. Go into this with what you have, find your meaning and place. Route out where you’re supposed to be, you’re allowed to have a little rest once in a while as long as you get back up again :)
Please don't ghost her. Tell her everything honestly and let her make her decision moving forward. I have come to understand that we deserve love at our best and worst. Her stability may help you get back on your feet, but if you're not ready to date let her know as well. A supportive friend can be good for you right now. All the best!
I have someone trying to tell me I'm too good for them at the moment. That they're too fucked up and I deserve better. I wish he'd let me decide. And ditto for previous people who have done the same. I have my own trauma and a bucket full of faults. But I also have so much love to give. And maybe we can help each other be better. She's been thinking of you all this time. You were the one that got away. The what if. You have an opportunity to find out. Take it. Let her love you.
Or just find someone who isn't broken? If they say they aren't good enough, leave em alone.
One way to deal with depression is to work your way out of it, so go for it , because if you don't I get a sense you're going to regret it and it will only only pile on . What you described is it sounds like she's really into you , and has been a long time . And it sounds like you need someone who cares for you in your corner. You've already endured so much and survived it. In the very least go on a date with her.
You deserve to be happy!
Sounds to me like she is exactly what you need. Hang out and don't feel pressured either way. I'm willing to bet you'll actually WANT to start working on yourself and if she really cares she'll encourage you every step of the way. Or maybe she'll kick your ass. Either way it sounds like you've got a good thing going. Embrace it.
Be open with her and let her decide. You don't plan to be celibate, right? Are you planning to only date someone you care for less because youll feel more "deserving"? That wouldn't be fair to them either. Anyway, your friend seems to have her shit together and you care about her. Use that as motivation to improve yourself and let her support your improvements until you feel more worthy.
Go with her you dummy. Don’t be like me. I had a similar situation when I was in the Army and I fucked it up and beat myself up over it years later. She will move on without you eventually and then you’ll never get her back. Be selfish. Care about you and what you want. She’s old enough that she’s been with guys who were worse than you I promise
Seems like timing again. Be upfront with her. Go on a dinner date and a long talk and spill the beans. I'm sure she has baggage as well. You don't have to go 0 to 100mph. Your both older now, and you both have a higher level of maturity. Then you can make a better decision. However, never throw away an opportunity. That creates regrets and regrets can add up. Learn to live, love, and laugh again. It may be what the doctor ordered.
If you think someone deserves better than you, that's your invitation to step and be the one she deserves.
My boyfriend of 4 years now kept saying I'm way out of his league. I would just brush it off at first because I didn't care about any of the things he was so concerned about. If he had a big career he wouldn't have time to cook for me, he wouldn't have the emotional bandwidth and energy left to really be interested in what I do, he would not be able to, later on, when we lived together and I was working a lot to take care of the household and me when I got increasingly fatigued and eventually just was in bed and at work until I became disabled so now he's my caregiver. My sister's boyfriend was literally a lumberjack, then in city maintenance, landscaping, until a school got their budgets readjusted so they could have him as the main janitor. She has a corporate career, I've always had my own businesses. How could we do anything if we did not have good men helping us? I was married to a woman in the past and we were good neighborhood business owners with her doing the administrative work and me as the visionary, staff trainer etc. People found that more acceptable than a part-time working partner who is a man for some reason. Can we PLEASE stop it with the #20thCenturyBS ? One person who works a lot is enough. And very often even someone who is financially solid without having to work a lot is very happy with a partner who isn't breaking their back in two jobs and trying to get a degree on top of that. PTSD and depression are terrible. But getting through all that and being on the other end can help others because they feel understood. Someone who has it all together on a spreadsheet might still be hurting like hell. You might still be hurting like hell. Telling you it gets better is not useful if that is the case. I've been there. I've sat in a chair for months unable to get up. Before that I've had panic attacks that led to psychogenic seizures during meetings with my employees. And if I google myself or look at old social media pictures I look oh so successful. My sister hasn't had anything like that. Her lumberjack has been working with her for over 20 years now. He was terrible whenever he had a few beers. Total jerk. But I have to admit he did change a lot because at some point he started to believe that maybe of that woman keeps loving him he might actually be a good guy. So he became one 24/7. He didn't quit drinking. He's just nice now all the time, naturally.
Don't ghost her, if you feel that strong toward her maybe she's the light at the end of your rainbow. Someone who will see the real you and help you be a great person and reach your full potential.
Don't minimize your experiences trauma is trauma, trying to be the man she deserves will probably help you with depression.
Go for it. Worst case scenario you’re in the same spot as you are now.
You say she deserves somebody better or her equal but what you don’t understand is that she sees you as her equal. Go for it or you’re going to spend forever wondering about the “what if”
Who are you to say you are not good enough for her? Although loving yourself is important aswell if you want to give your heart to someone. So if you feel like you need to work on things YOU want, than go for it. Other than that I would let her decide if you are good enough for her.
Make every effort to get yourself together and give it a shot with her. You deserve it even if you are in a dark place right now.
Don't ghost people, it's the worst. If you care, let her try and either it works out or it doesn't. I'm currently in the situation where I've talked to a colleague and it's been amazing, she called to talk about her day, asked me to tag along on walks or just shopping for groceries. I like her a lot and I've looked forward to her next call every single day. Suddenly she stopped responding and started avoiding talking to me at work. I have no idea what I've done, asking gave no clear answer. The vibes tell me she wants nothing to do with me, so I've obliged. I can endure it at work, but id rather not make it weird for her so better if I stay distant. She not wanting to be with me is fine, I would have enjoyed just being friends. But not knowing what the hell happened is driving me up the walls, I've been pondering for weeks. Did I fuck up? Did she just use me to put up those curtain rods in her apartment? Do I stink or something? I should just give it up I know, but it's not easy.
stop operating from a place of no self worth, if she’s good for you you deserve her. Granted you might feel this way for a reason and you may need to work on things in yourself but it’s definitely not the case that “she deserves someone better” if you want her.
As long as you're willing to work on yourself and you're honest with her, there is no problem. Go for it!
Never turn down a good thing, son. ~Colonel Rasczak
Hey man, pull yourself together and be with her! Can tell that you love her a lot just from these thoughts of worrying if you are the best for her. But since she is the one approaching you, please respect her feelings too. All the best!! We are cheering you on
Ah fella! Be as open and honest as you feel comfortable with at the present moment, don't ghost her. Explain how you feel you owe it to yourself to lay it all out for her, especially with the connection you both have. Don't shut yourself away because you feel like you don't deserve her love, you do, you've just forgotten with all the trauma. I'm a 36f and what I've said I'd appreciate so much more than not knowing, you never know she might be the one to get you out this negative mind set. It's hard and emotionally draining but YOU ARE WORTH IT... DO NOT GIVE UP! I wish you all the best and sincerely hope you give it a shot. (English female, dad and grandad served in the forces) YOU ARE WORTH IT ❤️
Dude, don't self-sabotage! Go get your great white buffalo
You deserve happiness my brother. Let people into your heart and let the healing begin. I really wish you all the best.
Tell her exactly what you just said here. THE TRUTH. Stop trying to make her decision for her! And stressing yourself out in the process. Just because you feel a way about yourself doesn’t mean she will see you that way and you never know maybe if you tell her the truth she will say that for now she just wants to be friends and it sounds like that’s what you need at this moment. I don’t know but the one thing I do is that the truth always sets you free!
I have a lot of experience with pushing people I care about away from me, to keep them from having to deal with my. As long as you're honest and open about everything you deal with, she's still willing to purse a relationship, and most importantly YOU are doing the most you can to try and get better, then you absolutely should. If you can't do the last part your wasting her time. At the very least you should become friends, having someone that really cares for you is important for strengthing your support system.
Who are you to decide what she "deserves?" Don't lie to her, and if she is still interested, then go for it. Life is too short.
First and foremost thank you for your service. It sounds like you all had some good times and she would like to rekindle things. Give it a chance at least. Sure be honest with her, be vulnerable and see how it goes. She might be the rock you need in your life. You need to find something positive to focus your energy on. What is your ideal job? What could you do that would be fulfilling/satisfying? It is never too late to hit the reset button and start over fresh.
Quit being a sissy
“Part of me feels like ghosting her. I don't want to hurt her.” If you blow her off that’s exactly what will happen.
Just be honest with her. Share your concerns and feelings and let her make her own informed decision. Don’t make a decision for her, and don’t just stop talking to her
She also probably has ups and downs, and trauma. Because everybody has at least some. She might or might not understand you.. Go meet her and find out
Do NOT tell her about having no job or suicide. Let her romance you, let her make you dinner and invite you to stay over at her condo. Once you've had sex with her for a month, then you can sit down with a clear mind, full stomach, and empty balls and decide if you really like her.
So your advice is for him to use this woman for sex?
No, read what I wrote and try again.
Do you really want to be with someone that wants to move in with a guy while married to someone else?
I finally found it! Common sense! I thought I was the only person in this comment section thinking this.
We still exist dw🫡
You’re prolly gonna fuck this up
"...when I'd come home on leave, she'd drop everything/everyone (BFs included) to spend time with me. I got out and we were going to move in together. Then she tells me she has a BF but it was okay if we still shared an apartment." Maybe don't get serious with her because she is actually trash??? But yeah, unemployment, alcoholism, PTSD, and suicidality probably wouldn't make you the ideal mate for anyone at the moment.
She might cure you if you give a chance. Big ask though
Run away, brother.
She sounds like a cheater to me. She would get an apartment with you while she has a BF? Red flags galore. When she gets bored of you, she will start seeing someone else. You ever wonder how many other FWB she currently has?
Thank you! I said the same thing.
If shes willing to cheat with you shes willing to cheat on you. Do what you want but theres a reason shes single at her age…
Honestly, she seems the type to be unfaithful anyway. You'll dodge a bullet if you stay clear.
Your guts are your guardian angel. You felt right about ghosting her. Do not contact her ever again. Remember you deserve a good life too
Any one else find suspicious “teacher buying a condo by the beach”?
She doesn't deserve you. She was willing to move in with you while having a boyfriend. She cheated on multiple boyfriends with you by the sound of it. If she would cheat with you, then she would cheat on you. I understand that this woman is beautiful and elegant, but don't let it blind you. You may be in a rough spot right now, but you deserve better. I'm sorry what you had to experience during your time treating causalities in the military. That must be rough. Thank you for your service <3.
I say go for it. Maybe she'll cheat on you like she did with you all those years ago
Just fook her bruhhh
Yes don’t fuck her life up
…Avoid her, she’s an obvious psycho…
I disagree with the downvotes. I see red flags everywhere. She sounds like a serial cheater.