maybe theres just no feelings, things like shes younger not my type dont exist if you fall in love with someone. Its not being unavailable, its just doubting your decision and its rational thing to do, if you dont think a certain person is made for theres no point
There is a lot you can read to understand yourself better and change your reactions eventually. I would say there are probably some fears of closeness and intimacy you might not be fully aware of yet.
Its a very serious issue that will never go away by itself!Consider therapy and educate yourself about mental health.
You suffer from attachment issues because of the enviroment you grew up in. Look up Tim Fletcher on youtube. He explains what complex trauma is and what to do about it. Its a broad term that also includes behaviour that you are describing.
He has ton of material though it may take a while to find him describing your exact issue, but im sure your specific situation is common enough that its been studied and dissected by him. A top expert on relationship issues .
You can start by checking out this interview just to grasp the concept of what trauma is and if you find it relevant, you can continue on Tims channel.
https://youtu.be/K60u6ObDsrI?si=Pv7oCRID_Q0k-X_U
If you think about these women when you are masterbating you are secretly creating a hidden life with then in your mind. Then you see them irl and you get awkward. It could be that
it's in the name, you need to be attached first and avoid next, dude is just rejecting anyone who is interested, not forming any attachment..
avoidant attachment is when you're in couple with someone, and you're being treated well, you're loving the situation, you're comfortable etc.. and then for unknown reasons, or subconscious reasons, you feel like you want to distant yourself from that person, without any valid reason, he or she is treating you great, this is avoidant attachment..
After a while you can’t even make it to the couple stage anymore. I’ll burn bridges with women I’ve only been dating for a month. I’ve approached the situation from different directions but it always ends with me pushing that person as far away from me as possible.
I’ve had 6 “serious” relationships. I’m not in contact with any of them. More than half have me blocked. I’m experienced. So I know what to do in a relationship. I just can’t stay in it long before I push them away. I still feel the love from each of them. It’s an awful way to live
I'm like this, I'm 30 and have been pushing women away for my whole life. There's been a lot of debating with myself about whether or not I even want a relationship. I'm pretty introverted and start to feel suffocated when there's this other person wanting to talk or do stuff every day.
There are probably some self esteem issues involved though. I remember having my literal crush ask me out at school and I rejected her despite basically being in love lol.
I'm starting to think that I'm just selfish though, like I don't have want to have to deal with someone else because I want to do whatever I want all the time without being responsible for someone else.
This was fine for my 20s but now, at 30, it's starting to feel pretty sad and lonely. I think I'm just going to have to find someone worth making sacrifices for.
You could be scared of getting hurt so you keep people at arms length.
You might believe subconsciously that you aren't good enough or don't have what it takes to be in a relationship.
There might be aspects of yourself that you're scared to share with someone that you aren't even aware of.
I relate so much with what you re saying. I was deeply in love with a great guy in my mid 20s. He had no intention of leaving me or breaking up, but just because he found a job in a different city than me I just decided...watch out for this logic...that it was harder for me to see him every 2 weekends or once a month and say good bye to him every time than...breaking up altogether and never seeing him again. This ia how f up this attachment style is. I put myself through the most miserable 5 years of my life trying to recover from that decision...I was destroyed because I still loved him and i had no reason to leave him than my own f-up-ness. Before that I d break up or reject guys for the most unbelievably ridiculous reasons. But at that time attachment theory wasn t available. So now I m 37 and alone, even with the knowledge I can t change my patterns :(
This sounds like what I was like as well, an attractive woman approaches me and I walk away. It can be difficult to let someone in, especially after years of heartbreak. The best way to deal with it is to just be accepting. Dare to take that chance. If years of going the other way have been fruitless, time to do a 180.
I'm in the same position as you. I've had casual relationship with guys but I'm struggling to let someone in my life. Even talking to a friend takes a lot out of me. I can't handle much talking, even though I can be pretty outgoing time to time. But I have to be in the right mood for that. As a result I've been struggling with loneliness and I'm scared for the future.
Could be age ngl. As a young man, I used to subconsciously disregard the feelings of women because I assumed they could replace me with one text message.
I hurt a lot of people that way. True or not.
Now, every person is a whole world. I treat it with the utmost respect
> hurt a lot of people that way. True or not.
I came to this realization 2 months ago, when I rejected my feelings towards a very nice lady, and when sorting it out privately, realized I completely disregarded her own person about her own motivations.
By my own self-imposed and self-centered standard that I should not pursue seemingly impossible situations, I rejected genuine interest in a rather cruel fashion. And realized the more I loved, the more cruel I was, while I meant the total opposite. Then...
> Now, every person is a whole world. I treat it with the utmost respect
It made me aware that I did not consider others as they should be, it looks like I'm following those steps right now, and I'm in the process of making whole new habits towards that goal. Because that's the way I want to consider people, and not through my own spectrum.
Are you afraid they’ll learn more about you and reject you? Is preemptive rejection, manifesting as stonewalling, a defense mechanism for your lack of self-confidence?
I do that all the time it's not a "you" thing. You find reasons for things to not work.
It feels safe.
You're used to being single so being with someone is novel and scary.
Being with someone means you get get hurt, you can hurt them, they get to know you and judge you on the most intimate things, you lose part of that confortable independence in which you choose everything you do all the time.
But it IS a bad thing. I've been working on it in therapy and I would definitely never be dating my gf of 10 months without my therapist.
You can't live your life avoiding risks and keeping yourself emotionally safe. You gotta learn what works for you in a relationship and develop relationship skills and the only way to do that is to have relationships.
I wish you a lot of courage and happiness
I notice you said you love 'women'. Not being with a woman. I relate to this though. I'm now 36 and spent a lot of my life loving the validation, sex, intimacy of 'women' but always self sabotaged or shut down/had the next one lined up before ending a 'relationship' (they were in one. But I was never fully open to anyone).
Can be a whole bunch of reasons for this. Attachment type is the go to. But I spent a lot of time with a therapist basically establishing what the process was and why I needed the validation from women instead of a single woman.
Not sure how old you are. But identifying it's causing an issue is a great first step
Armchair psychology advice, which I have no business offering, and should probably be ignored:
You sabotage potential relationships because you think you're unworthy of them.
Actual advice: It's not normal, seek help from someone more qualified than an internet stranger.
Maybe you were emotionally or physically abandoned by someone you really trusted and it scarred you. Now you find excuses not to get attached to people because you’re scared they’ll leave you, too.
You are on the right track. He was probably let down by one or both parents. They didn't show up for him. Avoidents always seem to be a result of this and then avoid their feelings in future relationship because they don't know how to handle their emotions effectively
Yep before i could finally admit to myself my parents really didnt do a good job i thought they were perfect (and thought I had shortcomings) it took a lot of therapy to realize my parents did the bare minimum and often much less. And even my own mom independently admitted to me this too, that she didnt do enough
You aren't obligated to accept someone so rejecting without reason is totally normal. Whoever if that behaviour seems unnatural to yourself and bothering you there might be some problem that needs to be addressed.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with rejecting peoples advances.
Maybe if you’re the kind of guy who has women chasing you you might be better off saying no sometimes and figuring out what you want. You know you don’t have to accept every woman’s advances. Wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that ha!
I think you just don't like them but they're hot/nice so you want to like them. They would be a good partner, on paper. But that doesn't equate to a real reason to like them for who they are. So you don't, and try to think of reasons to justify that, like too young, or too friendly with other guys, or too into her social media posts. These reasons end up sounding petty, like excuses, and they are, but deep down you legitimately just don't like the person and maybe will never know the more complex reasons why. Maybe they remind you of someone in some small way that you don't even realize and that's a turn off. Which is fair. Keep looking, you'll find someone you really like through and through. Maybe you just have a really good filter for what you like. Maybe that filter has gotten better with time. At least you aren't wasting time in relationships that are not meant to be.
If im normal(which might not be the case!) this is normal in 20's.
I didnt rejectect womam per say but I woukd be poor at responding to messages, flaky if I was having casual relationship with someone I liked and she stayed over id be uo first thing in the morning, asking them if they wanted to get some breakfast or a coffee to get them out of house. It eas 100% I was too afraid to be loved/vulnerable.
Post Covid I decided to fake it until I made it.(i was around 32). Commit to "showing up" and also in my own personal life put focus into getting in shape, learning to drive and saving for house which gave me more self worth. I ended up in first relationship which lasted 18 months and turned out fairly toxic but thought.me a lot about myself and what I value in a partner I am now in second relationship(35) for last 7 months and im madly in love. I really hope it becomes my forever partner but even the lady breaks my heart or I mess up I am much more confident at 35 of being happy in a relationship than I was at 25, 26, 27 etc.
I wish id pushed myself more younger but I just wanted to let you know just because you are self sabotagging now does not mean yiu always will or have to.
If you're able to recognize this pattern of yours, she you don't like it, why can't you just kinda "force" yourself through it? Like, just make a date with the woman showing interest. Even if YOU aren't that interested initially, what have you got to lose by going for coffee and *finding out* if there's anything there worth pursuing? I mean if you just reject everyone who walks up to you, how will you ever find out that you like the ice cream flavor? Or have the same favorite childhood movie?
A woman approached me once, and at first I thought she was too young to build anything lasting with, but what the hell, let's have a date, see where it goes.
That was 14 years and 2 kids ago.
Could be a self-esteem issue on your part. You may feel that people who show interest in you are inferior. It sounds strange, but it’s common. Just a thought.
It sounds like a fight or flight response has been triggered. You need to work on not reacting immediately until you are able to act more appropriately. Identify others modelling how you want to act and try copying it.
I was the same when i was younger, for me it was self-sabotage because I didn't believe I deserved the attention.
I can laugh about it now, but I burned a lot of potential.
Are you wrong though? Are the women you speak of ones that you are attracted to, or interested in? Because if you are receiving advances from women you aren't attracted to its normal to reject them. If you are shooting yourself in the foot with girls you have a crush on, then yea you need to figure that shit out.
It can be normal. I've rejected plenty of girls and women for various reasons. I was taken, they weren't my type, too young, too old, didn't vibe, preferred being single, all totally valid reasons. When it starts negatively impacting you, then it can be an issue. Maybe you're afraid of attachment. Maybe you're afraid of rejection or being left (you'd be so afraid of it that you'd reject them so that they could never leave you because you're never together). Maybe you aren't into women after all but still young and fighting an inner battle that you aren't even aware of. There's plenty of things that could be true. At some point you'll probably have to take the leap of faith. Therapy can and does help, however even then you'd need to at some point just go for it. They can't just magically fix you and remove those feelings. They can help you realize and accept them and give you tools to cope with them, but that's about it
I do the same, it’s a protection mechanism.
It is healthy if you practice non attachment, otherwise you’ll feel lonely. No woman is too special to be THE ONE, so don’t get hung up on missing out. Stay casual, don’t worry about the consequence of the relationship if not working.
look into fearful avoidant attachment style, or avoidant attachment style. I m fearful avoidant myself and took me forever to understand why i did what i did for the longest time. you re lucky to get a head start on it.
Some sort of avoidant attachment style I'm guessing. There are some great YouTube videos on dealing with your particular attachment style. I'm a fearful avoidant and I crave love them get freaked out.
I had the same issue. I very recently have found a girl which is "on paper" very compatible with me and I absolutely love spending time with her. Yes there are details I don't like, but I keep telling myself now that relationships include a lot of compromises and we'll work it out. You just have to ask yourself whether these minorities are actually important or whether they don't really matter.
An example: Before I was born, my parents had a huge fight about how to open a cooked breakfast egg. This is something that might annoy you, but in the end it doesn't fucking matter. Btw, my grandma permanently solved the dispute by buying the famous German egg opening device.
I usually have had that issue of getting along very well in person though, and then when not seeing each other for a week or so, my subconscious would start shittalking her. I then would end it and months later realise how dumb I've been. Reflect on your reasons and learn to ignore your subconscious about this stuff. If you find something in person that really bugs you, then maybe it isn't so good. But most of the time, you can ignore those minor negativities cause in the grand scheme of things, she's very compatible.
I did this through my 20s... Always found something wrong. I went to therapy and turns out I'm terrified at being rejected cause my mother left me when I was 2 years old, so I do the rejection before it's done to me. All sorted now and have a wonderful girlfriend. I do need to check on myself now and then
Having high standards isn't a bad thing, but being too judgmental can stop you from exploring meaningful connections. My advice is to try to develop a friendship with the person and get to know them. Sometimes the thing that was a mental block just melts away or seems really insignificant compared to other things you discover. And on the other side, it will help you fine tune the things you set standards for.
Also, learn more about your personality type. It could be that you're just projecting things onto them because they see the world differently and you need an excuse to stop being attracted to some particular thing about them.
I'm only saying the things I wish I could tell my younger self 😁
You're selective, or should I say "have standards" when it comes to the woman you want to date. You have a type but you are not so sure of yourself which one. You see women all the time, some that you find attractive but for some reason you don't see yourself dating them. "She's too hot for me" "She must have a boyfriend already" "Something tells me she's married or has a child" "She looks too young". However one day, on a very rare moment, a woman will just pop up from nowhere and you'll find yourself falling hard either at first sight or first talk and you'll never ever forget her, and you might regret not asking for her number some time after.
Rhetorical questions:
- do you want a relationship?
- do you believe that you deserve a relationship?
- are there aspects of yourself you are scared of sharing with others?
Classic avoidant attachment behavior. Sounds like you are emotionally unavailable and commitment issues are inevitably a big part of that. The fact that you are aware of this thought process is a really good sign though; many who have severe avoidance just completely reject every person who they're initially attracted to and never realize that they're self-sabotaging and making it impossible to genuinely connect with anyone.
Therapy is honestly the best way to deal with this (and may bring up the uncomfortable realization that your childhood was not as perfect as you thpught it was), but you can get a head start by learning as much as you can about attachment theory and working towards becoming secure. It is worth it and it is possible, but it's hard work.
Is it only when women express interest in you that you're turned off? Like, you only truly fancy a woman when you find out she's absolutely not interested? Cuz if that's the case, yeah that's completely not normal.
I did this a lot. So many girls interested in me, but I always pushed them away. There was always 'something' with them I didn't like. Now that I am in my early thirties I regret rejecting some of them. I figured out I was the problem. Some were just gorgeous fun girls, who I would pick any day now.
I did this in my late teens and early 20s. I didn't really want a relationship. Id take forever to pick up the signs that someone was interested and then reject them in a pretty brutal way as soon as I figured it out. constant texting and contact from someone who was a stranger a month ago would make me run a mile as well.
It took a particularly obsessive and persistent woman to get me into a relationship. In fact I bluntly told her "you are a snake, fuck off and leave me alone". She kept chipping away despite me being increasingly aggressive with my no. I'm genuinely happy with her 5 years later.
I would try to to be outgoing, sociable and confident if I had to find another partner. Or at the very least do a good job pretending. Good luck.
Could this be a disfuncional version of FOMO where you think there is someone perfect for you out there and so no one else measures up and you don't want to settle and"waste time" with them in case it prevents you from your ideal that is still out there?
You have low self esteem actually. When a person is showing you appreciation, it offends you because at your core, you don't love yourself, so think these people are fools.
So instead of accepting love that is coming your way, you will instead chase love from people that are not interested in you at all.
A good way to show yourself some love is to try accepting love that is coming your way. So long as love is not coming at you with manipulation and a lot of strings attached, abuse.. if the love is pure, kind and free.. that is the absolute best kind of love. You are denying yourself happiness out of belief you are not worthy.
So you are not 100% physically attracted to them? Grow up, love is not a visual experience, it's physical and emotional. You stop thinking about how people look early on. If a woman is great looking it can't compensate for terrible personality.
Also these people approaching you are wanting you to dominate them, they want you to tell them what you want, they want to make you happy. This can be really confusing for people who grew up with narcissistic family members who always kept you on-edge. Ie if you were brought up to be a submissive, and trained to be one, it is very confusing and bewildering how to take a dominant role. But You seem like you might be young, so it's a good time to think about the possibility that a perosn who loves you and wants to serve you and be led by you is an ASSET, not a LIABILITY. You have to meditate on this.
It's a complicated issue. Mind itself is complicated. What happens with your emotions and thoughts whenever you realise you start liking someone romantically? You say it's not fear. What is it then?
Maybe you aren't afraid of relationships on the surface but you are deep down? I mean, that would be the normal reason. It could be more involved, like being afraid of being rejected or afraid of intimacy...but it kind of comes down to the same thing.
And you may be afraid of them on a subconscious level, rather than consciously.
Self destructive personality would be my initial guess.
Do you sabotage yourself in other ways and destroy things going your way?
If so, it'd be less about women and a trait you have overall that, shockingly, I can't diagnosis the root cause of from a single post. 😄
You don't need a reason to reject anyone and it is perfectly normal to reject people
However from what I understand you are creating reasons to distance yourself from potential love interests without necessarily wanting to
Might help to talk to a therapist
If you were not interested and engaging into a relationship, now that would be Strange and wrong.
Rejecting when not interested wtvr the reason sounds normal.
Sounds to me like a self-esteem issue/ security issue. If you reject people first, they won't have the opportunity to hurt your feelings.
You are potentially missing out on a lot of really good opportunities for friendship/romance. Women make up 50% of the earth's population and you are rejecting their company based on... what?
Also, what if they're just approaching you for conversation but you're assuming they fancy you? What sort of interactions are you having?
You can reject anyone for any reason. The fact that you want to reject them is enough, when someone worth your attention will come along you will feel different.
See a therapist …. They will help you figure out why. At least you know you are doing this to yourself, which shows emotional intelligence. Best self investment you can do.
perhaps you think of them as easily available if they come forward first onto you, thinking that they are low of value if they have to do it themselves and not you chasing them (ngl happened to me and many people i know and i think its kinda natural)
Self-esteem? I always assumed something must be wrong with a person if they were into me. Didn't realise I was doing it until it was pointed out to me.
Maybe you just haven’t been attracted to the women who have asked you out?
-Or-
Maybe you should see a therapist about your inner voice sabotaging your dates.
This is definitely worth looking into with a professional.
I think it's about fear, judgement and control. I know I've done this a few times, without the conscious gaslighting though.
When I was really young, I didn't follow up on girls who liked me. I walked away. In reality I was afraid of women back then. It was my immaturity.
So, one way to deal with fear is to become the dominant one, the initiator. That seems like a solution for the ego, but it's really not a solution at all. The real solution is to see these women as equals, get to know them, and find out if there's anything there for you.
I understand your situation, you're basically turned off by any minor detail, well what i can advise you to do, is to be aware that no human is perfect, and we all have flaws, even the best of us, so instead of looking for a flawless girl, look for a girl with a flaw that you can tolerate, this approach is also good for the development of the relationship afterwards.. the ideal partner only exists in our minds, the person we finally end up with is the closest it can get to that ideal criteria we set, but can never reach it.
hope i explained myself in a clear manner
I can relate to this. Talking to a therapist would probably help you a ton with understanding this better. A Few general ideas come to mind (totally random and none of them may have any bearing here):
1. Trauma (trauma can come from unexpected and simple experiences throughout your life)
2. Fear (fear is not always obvious and can hide in forms like anxiety and anger)
3. Hear me out on this one. Possibility of ADHD (can cause someone to desire novelty and variety and fear boredom which can translate to feeling disinterested once you realize there’s no chase involved anymore)
4. Could just be a phase/age related. Don’t be too hard on yourself about it and just recognize how you are feeling.
Expectations. You likely just haven't met your ideal type of woman yet. Let's face it, high value men have a right to be picky these days, and not many of us are willing to settle for low quality products or used goods.
Damn bro, that’s 100% me. None of my friends have helped me figure out why I do this, I just blamed myself. I really need a solution because retrospectively I have a lot of regrets
I would go at least 6-12 months of be8ng friends with someone before creating a relationship with them, I just don't wanna be with someone who could potentially be untrustworthy
Are you scared of messing up, having them know more about you, etc etc? Are you afraid of anything at all? Does it feel like you CAN'T get too close to them and have to do whatever it takes to prevent that?
It looks like simply shyness. Maybe it's like you sabotage yourself because you are too internally afraid to be with a girl. Having a girlfriend means changing your status. You value your status so you don't want to change it. At least I think it might be this. You know yourself best so treat my words only as suggestion not a verdict.
I guess you haven't met the right girl and that's it. It also looks like you are quite young since you think about slightest defects making me think you are still at the level of fooling yourself that you're gonna fight a perfect person to be with and that you are entitled to get the best of the best. That will never happen, the sooner you realize that, the better. Or maybe you are just not cut out for long-lasting relationship, not everyone must have a partner for life. Nothing wrong with that.
Girls very rarely approach the guy, I think something else is happening here. Either you’re not mentioning something or the women that are approaching you aren’t your type bc usually that’s how it goes
If I had someone peruse me it felt uncomfortable for a really really long time and I always rejected the people pursuing me. For me it always felt like it wasn’t genuine (even if it was I’d think to myself and kinda “spiral” I guess and then it all just felt forced & fake) and I genuinely wasn’t interested in people that pursued me, I wanted to do the chase & make those efforts and I didn’t want it the other way around. It all boiled down to me not feeling good enough in myself that I truly believed that anyone who pursued me was not being serious& I had to do those things for others in order to feel like it was going somewhere
it's called insecurity.
Stop apologizing for your apparent arrogance, it makes the blatant insecurity more evident.
You'll need to get over this though if you want to attract a stable partner.
First step is stop referring to this as rejection. It's not them it's you.
Are you afraid of being rejected after you've let her into your life and she's gotten to know you and how you live, thus such a rejection at that stage will not be for shallow or circumstantial reasons, but of the real unlovable you?
Maybe that is your coping mechanism to prevent others from seeing the real you. Either you're afraid of commitment, too self conscious (physically), or you just don't like the person/not your type.
Actually out of all the replies you'll see here, you are the one who can answer your question.
Maybe a defense mechanism? Could be that you want to be the one who rejects first in order to not get rejected in the future. Idk.
Edit: It might be done in a subconscious manner.
Would it be helpful to you to maybe add to OP and give us an actual example.of your thought process when you're gaslighting yourself? Bc I don't understand.
Could be a few normal things and a few abnormal things or maybe something that never occurred to me.
I'm leaning toward you just self sabotage. It would help to understand are you actually attracted? Like you mentioned younger girls. I'm 43 and mostly been pretty fortunate and happy in relationships, I can think of a bunch of times I had an inner dialogue about 🚩🚩🚩 related to immaturity, a bunch of them were women my age/a bit older. Very different scenario from a teenage girl who is acting flirty with me. Women 10y or so younger than me are a third scenario at this point in life. So I can't really tell what your situation might be among a lot of possibilities
Sounds like you might be afraid of the unknown. Give it a shot, if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. Something good might come from it, but you'll never know unless you try
Probably not a cowars in general but a coward when it comes to saying what you want and feeling oo about it. Ie your not very good at saying you need your personal space and time and are a coward avout it because you dont like conflict so you just call it quits. A bit like a boss who wpuld rather just fire you than resolve the issue at hand because what the heck your replacable
If you can't figure it out yourself, you need to talk to a therapist or some close friends to get to the bottom of the issue. People on Reddit know nothing about you, so it is tough to answer whether there is something wrong with you.
Get yourself right. I've been this way for 65 years and it's not fun once you start paying attention to the fallout.
I've come to realize that I'm just not a true people person and I have come to accept it even though I've been alone for many years and many times wish I wasn't this way.
“I have never been afraid of relationships or commitment” BULL SHIT! Actions speak louder than words. You’re in denial and need to figure out what you truly want by being honest with yourself.
You're delusionally telling yourself you're emotionally available and that you're not afraid of commitment and relationships but in reality it probably terrifies you.
It may just be that you subconsciously have already picked up on something that makes them incompatible with you.
I do that now that i´m older, my primary attraction to women is sexual but i know most of them are nowhere near to being compatible with me in life, so i just don´t bother with it.
Ultimately the answer is within you.
Geez.
As a woman , I can tell you , there is nothing wrong with you. You don't have to like every girl, even if she is perfect. You're just in a phase, it will pass ,
You're not gaslighting yourself, you're just not in the mood for it and that's fine.
People have phases like this all the time , they just don't talk about it .
Cheers.
Idk if this is normal, but why does tht matter, yeah yeah maybe u see a pattern but direct ur energy there rather than askin if it's normal, if this was normal wud u actually just accept it n just go about ur day, surely it does give perspective, but u can see how tht might go wrong, if u think it's wrong introspect more that's all. The reason ur asking this is because u don't think it's normal.
So, is it that you want to approach, not be approached? Maybe that if they approach you it's either off-putting in some way? Either there must be something wrong with them, you want someone more "traditional," or worried they've got ulterior motives?
For me, I generally went for those that I could tell liked me but weren't overly forward with it. Though, if they were what I considered very attractive, figured they were feigning attraction because they wanted to either play a joke on me or take advantage of me financially/academically.
I'm not approached by girls whatsoever and if I want sex I always have to do all the work,
However, I have this fantasy where a girl falls in love with me, without me having to do the effort, and I, politely but very directly, reject her. Every time I replay that fantasy in my head, I get a small ego boost.
Maybe it's similar for you?
I'm too much of a wimp to actually do that irl if I ever get the chance, but maybe you're not.
Have you considered just going with the flow? Doubts are normal. But you can spend time with a person and get to know them better. The real dealbreakers tend to appear only after a few months anyway. Just because you are spending time with a person and get closer to them doesn’t mean you have to spend the rest of your life with them.
Try to give yourself and the other person a chance.
Also, try to find the underlying issue here and fix it?
The book „Attached“ is a great starting point (someone else mentioned avoidant attachment), even though I think reality is not as black and white as the author makes it out to be. I still found it very helpful.
Emotional unavailable?
maybe theres just no feelings, things like shes younger not my type dont exist if you fall in love with someone. Its not being unavailable, its just doubting your decision and its rational thing to do, if you dont think a certain person is made for theres no point
Bro has some issues which he needs to confront.
Avoidant attachment style perhaps
maybe ,but its getting to me at this point.
There is a lot you can read to understand yourself better and change your reactions eventually. I would say there are probably some fears of closeness and intimacy you might not be fully aware of yet.
Its a very serious issue that will never go away by itself!Consider therapy and educate yourself about mental health. You suffer from attachment issues because of the enviroment you grew up in. Look up Tim Fletcher on youtube. He explains what complex trauma is and what to do about it. Its a broad term that also includes behaviour that you are describing. He has ton of material though it may take a while to find him describing your exact issue, but im sure your specific situation is common enough that its been studied and dissected by him. A top expert on relationship issues . You can start by checking out this interview just to grasp the concept of what trauma is and if you find it relevant, you can continue on Tims channel. https://youtu.be/K60u6ObDsrI?si=Pv7oCRID_Q0k-X_U
Well yes it's an attachment style that isn't healthy. You need therapy.
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That's terrible advice. He needs to work on himself before dragging some innocent person into his mess.
If you think about these women when you are masterbating you are secretly creating a hidden life with then in your mind. Then you see them irl and you get awkward. It could be that
it's in the name, you need to be attached first and avoid next, dude is just rejecting anyone who is interested, not forming any attachment.. avoidant attachment is when you're in couple with someone, and you're being treated well, you're loving the situation, you're comfortable etc.. and then for unknown reasons, or subconscious reasons, you feel like you want to distant yourself from that person, without any valid reason, he or she is treating you great, this is avoidant attachment..
☝🏻☝🏻🤓🤓 Dissing myself before anyone would lol
still corny though
I do that 2 😂
After a while you can’t even make it to the couple stage anymore. I’ll burn bridges with women I’ve only been dating for a month. I’ve approached the situation from different directions but it always ends with me pushing that person as far away from me as possible. I’ve had 6 “serious” relationships. I’m not in contact with any of them. More than half have me blocked. I’m experienced. So I know what to do in a relationship. I just can’t stay in it long before I push them away. I still feel the love from each of them. It’s an awful way to live
Seinfeld effect
Look at how your parents are as couple, and how they were as couple when you were a child.
I am identifying with op. And now I read this, the family's couple therapist since age 10. I might cry at the next therapy session.
you had parents?
I'm like this, I'm 30 and have been pushing women away for my whole life. There's been a lot of debating with myself about whether or not I even want a relationship. I'm pretty introverted and start to feel suffocated when there's this other person wanting to talk or do stuff every day. There are probably some self esteem issues involved though. I remember having my literal crush ask me out at school and I rejected her despite basically being in love lol. I'm starting to think that I'm just selfish though, like I don't have want to have to deal with someone else because I want to do whatever I want all the time without being responsible for someone else. This was fine for my 20s but now, at 30, it's starting to feel pretty sad and lonely. I think I'm just going to have to find someone worth making sacrifices for. You could be scared of getting hurt so you keep people at arms length. You might believe subconsciously that you aren't good enough or don't have what it takes to be in a relationship. There might be aspects of yourself that you're scared to share with someone that you aren't even aware of.
I relate so much with what you re saying. I was deeply in love with a great guy in my mid 20s. He had no intention of leaving me or breaking up, but just because he found a job in a different city than me I just decided...watch out for this logic...that it was harder for me to see him every 2 weekends or once a month and say good bye to him every time than...breaking up altogether and never seeing him again. This ia how f up this attachment style is. I put myself through the most miserable 5 years of my life trying to recover from that decision...I was destroyed because I still loved him and i had no reason to leave him than my own f-up-ness. Before that I d break up or reject guys for the most unbelievably ridiculous reasons. But at that time attachment theory wasn t available. So now I m 37 and alone, even with the knowledge I can t change my patterns :(
This sounds like what I was like as well, an attractive woman approaches me and I walk away. It can be difficult to let someone in, especially after years of heartbreak. The best way to deal with it is to just be accepting. Dare to take that chance. If years of going the other way have been fruitless, time to do a 180.
I'm in the same position as you. I've had casual relationship with guys but I'm struggling to let someone in my life. Even talking to a friend takes a lot out of me. I can't handle much talking, even though I can be pretty outgoing time to time. But I have to be in the right mood for that. As a result I've been struggling with loneliness and I'm scared for the future.
Are you me?
Damn this is me. Like on every point
Could be age ngl. As a young man, I used to subconsciously disregard the feelings of women because I assumed they could replace me with one text message. I hurt a lot of people that way. True or not. Now, every person is a whole world. I treat it with the utmost respect
>Now, every person is a whole world. I treat it with the utmost respect That’s such a beautiful way to see it :)
Thank you!
> hurt a lot of people that way. True or not. I came to this realization 2 months ago, when I rejected my feelings towards a very nice lady, and when sorting it out privately, realized I completely disregarded her own person about her own motivations. By my own self-imposed and self-centered standard that I should not pursue seemingly impossible situations, I rejected genuine interest in a rather cruel fashion. And realized the more I loved, the more cruel I was, while I meant the total opposite. Then... > Now, every person is a whole world. I treat it with the utmost respect It made me aware that I did not consider others as they should be, it looks like I'm following those steps right now, and I'm in the process of making whole new habits towards that goal. Because that's the way I want to consider people, and not through my own spectrum.
Are you afraid they’ll learn more about you and reject you? Is preemptive rejection, manifesting as stonewalling, a defense mechanism for your lack of self-confidence?
I do that all the time it's not a "you" thing. You find reasons for things to not work. It feels safe. You're used to being single so being with someone is novel and scary. Being with someone means you get get hurt, you can hurt them, they get to know you and judge you on the most intimate things, you lose part of that confortable independence in which you choose everything you do all the time. But it IS a bad thing. I've been working on it in therapy and I would definitely never be dating my gf of 10 months without my therapist. You can't live your life avoiding risks and keeping yourself emotionally safe. You gotta learn what works for you in a relationship and develop relationship skills and the only way to do that is to have relationships. I wish you a lot of courage and happiness
I notice you said you love 'women'. Not being with a woman. I relate to this though. I'm now 36 and spent a lot of my life loving the validation, sex, intimacy of 'women' but always self sabotaged or shut down/had the next one lined up before ending a 'relationship' (they were in one. But I was never fully open to anyone). Can be a whole bunch of reasons for this. Attachment type is the go to. But I spent a lot of time with a therapist basically establishing what the process was and why I needed the validation from women instead of a single woman. Not sure how old you are. But identifying it's causing an issue is a great first step
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member" Marx brothers
Quite an apt quote.
You’re pushing them away before they can push you away.
Armchair psychology advice, which I have no business offering, and should probably be ignored: You sabotage potential relationships because you think you're unworthy of them. Actual advice: It's not normal, seek help from someone more qualified than an internet stranger.
Maybe you were emotionally or physically abandoned by someone you really trusted and it scarred you. Now you find excuses not to get attached to people because you’re scared they’ll leave you, too.
I dont think thats the case man
That's good. Not being abused is good. 👍
This is the case OP
You are on the right track. He was probably let down by one or both parents. They didn't show up for him. Avoidents always seem to be a result of this and then avoid their feelings in future relationship because they don't know how to handle their emotions effectively
Yep before i could finally admit to myself my parents really didnt do a good job i thought they were perfect (and thought I had shortcomings) it took a lot of therapy to realize my parents did the bare minimum and often much less. And even my own mom independently admitted to me this too, that she didnt do enough
Therapy, not reddit.
You aren't obligated to accept someone so rejecting without reason is totally normal. Whoever if that behaviour seems unnatural to yourself and bothering you there might be some problem that needs to be addressed.
You’re just a coward. It’s perfectly normal.
damn the answer was that easy , totally forgot about that.
Yea, it sounds like you’re trying to protect yourself, looking for and inventing flaws in your potential ‘partners’.
Maybe he just isnt in love with them? If you dont love someone you gotta reject them or keep being friends
Pre-emptive rejection perhaps
This. Think he's rejecting them before they can reject him - a control thing maybe?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with rejecting peoples advances. Maybe if you’re the kind of guy who has women chasing you you might be better off saying no sometimes and figuring out what you want. You know you don’t have to accept every woman’s advances. Wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that ha!
If you don’t like her ,it’s very normal to reject her.
I think you just don't like them but they're hot/nice so you want to like them. They would be a good partner, on paper. But that doesn't equate to a real reason to like them for who they are. So you don't, and try to think of reasons to justify that, like too young, or too friendly with other guys, or too into her social media posts. These reasons end up sounding petty, like excuses, and they are, but deep down you legitimately just don't like the person and maybe will never know the more complex reasons why. Maybe they remind you of someone in some small way that you don't even realize and that's a turn off. Which is fair. Keep looking, you'll find someone you really like through and through. Maybe you just have a really good filter for what you like. Maybe that filter has gotten better with time. At least you aren't wasting time in relationships that are not meant to be.
If im normal(which might not be the case!) this is normal in 20's. I didnt rejectect womam per say but I woukd be poor at responding to messages, flaky if I was having casual relationship with someone I liked and she stayed over id be uo first thing in the morning, asking them if they wanted to get some breakfast or a coffee to get them out of house. It eas 100% I was too afraid to be loved/vulnerable. Post Covid I decided to fake it until I made it.(i was around 32). Commit to "showing up" and also in my own personal life put focus into getting in shape, learning to drive and saving for house which gave me more self worth. I ended up in first relationship which lasted 18 months and turned out fairly toxic but thought.me a lot about myself and what I value in a partner I am now in second relationship(35) for last 7 months and im madly in love. I really hope it becomes my forever partner but even the lady breaks my heart or I mess up I am much more confident at 35 of being happy in a relationship than I was at 25, 26, 27 etc. I wish id pushed myself more younger but I just wanted to let you know just because you are self sabotagging now does not mean yiu always will or have to.
If you're able to recognize this pattern of yours, she you don't like it, why can't you just kinda "force" yourself through it? Like, just make a date with the woman showing interest. Even if YOU aren't that interested initially, what have you got to lose by going for coffee and *finding out* if there's anything there worth pursuing? I mean if you just reject everyone who walks up to you, how will you ever find out that you like the ice cream flavor? Or have the same favorite childhood movie? A woman approached me once, and at first I thought she was too young to build anything lasting with, but what the hell, let's have a date, see where it goes. That was 14 years and 2 kids ago.
Could be a self-esteem issue on your part. You may feel that people who show interest in you are inferior. It sounds strange, but it’s common. Just a thought.
Just an ordinary young person figuring things out. Ignore all this psychobabble diagnoses in the comments.
It sounds like a fight or flight response has been triggered. You need to work on not reacting immediately until you are able to act more appropriately. Identify others modelling how you want to act and try copying it.
You’re just not in the headspace is all 😊 it will pass
Maybe just self-sabotage. Subconsciously keeping yourself from being happy and archiving nice things.
> archiving nice things Nice autocorrect 😁
I was the same when i was younger, for me it was self-sabotage because I didn't believe I deserved the attention. I can laugh about it now, but I burned a lot of potential.
You need counseling and help. It's available and affordable. Hope the best for you.
Are you wrong though? Are the women you speak of ones that you are attracted to, or interested in? Because if you are receiving advances from women you aren't attracted to its normal to reject them. If you are shooting yourself in the foot with girls you have a crush on, then yea you need to figure that shit out.
It can be normal. I've rejected plenty of girls and women for various reasons. I was taken, they weren't my type, too young, too old, didn't vibe, preferred being single, all totally valid reasons. When it starts negatively impacting you, then it can be an issue. Maybe you're afraid of attachment. Maybe you're afraid of rejection or being left (you'd be so afraid of it that you'd reject them so that they could never leave you because you're never together). Maybe you aren't into women after all but still young and fighting an inner battle that you aren't even aware of. There's plenty of things that could be true. At some point you'll probably have to take the leap of faith. Therapy can and does help, however even then you'd need to at some point just go for it. They can't just magically fix you and remove those feelings. They can help you realize and accept them and give you tools to cope with them, but that's about it
I do this too and I know I’m gonna hate myself for it one day 😢 Women approach me & I just dodge them..
I do the same, it’s a protection mechanism. It is healthy if you practice non attachment, otherwise you’ll feel lonely. No woman is too special to be THE ONE, so don’t get hung up on missing out. Stay casual, don’t worry about the consequence of the relationship if not working.
probably a fear of rejection? idkkkk
You should probably talk to a therapist about it. It's going to be much more helpful than Reddit comments
look into fearful avoidant attachment style, or avoidant attachment style. I m fearful avoidant myself and took me forever to understand why i did what i did for the longest time. you re lucky to get a head start on it.
Some sort of avoidant attachment style I'm guessing. There are some great YouTube videos on dealing with your particular attachment style. I'm a fearful avoidant and I crave love them get freaked out.
I had the same issue. I very recently have found a girl which is "on paper" very compatible with me and I absolutely love spending time with her. Yes there are details I don't like, but I keep telling myself now that relationships include a lot of compromises and we'll work it out. You just have to ask yourself whether these minorities are actually important or whether they don't really matter. An example: Before I was born, my parents had a huge fight about how to open a cooked breakfast egg. This is something that might annoy you, but in the end it doesn't fucking matter. Btw, my grandma permanently solved the dispute by buying the famous German egg opening device. I usually have had that issue of getting along very well in person though, and then when not seeing each other for a week or so, my subconscious would start shittalking her. I then would end it and months later realise how dumb I've been. Reflect on your reasons and learn to ignore your subconscious about this stuff. If you find something in person that really bugs you, then maybe it isn't so good. But most of the time, you can ignore those minor negativities cause in the grand scheme of things, she's very compatible.
If it's not a fuck yes, it's a fuck no. Great words to live by for you!
I did this through my 20s... Always found something wrong. I went to therapy and turns out I'm terrified at being rejected cause my mother left me when I was 2 years old, so I do the rejection before it's done to me. All sorted now and have a wonderful girlfriend. I do need to check on myself now and then
Having high standards isn't a bad thing, but being too judgmental can stop you from exploring meaningful connections. My advice is to try to develop a friendship with the person and get to know them. Sometimes the thing that was a mental block just melts away or seems really insignificant compared to other things you discover. And on the other side, it will help you fine tune the things you set standards for. Also, learn more about your personality type. It could be that you're just projecting things onto them because they see the world differently and you need an excuse to stop being attracted to some particular thing about them. I'm only saying the things I wish I could tell my younger self 😁
You're selective, or should I say "have standards" when it comes to the woman you want to date. You have a type but you are not so sure of yourself which one. You see women all the time, some that you find attractive but for some reason you don't see yourself dating them. "She's too hot for me" "She must have a boyfriend already" "Something tells me she's married or has a child" "She looks too young". However one day, on a very rare moment, a woman will just pop up from nowhere and you'll find yourself falling hard either at first sight or first talk and you'll never ever forget her, and you might regret not asking for her number some time after.
I kind of have the same problem
Rhetorical questions: - do you want a relationship? - do you believe that you deserve a relationship? - are there aspects of yourself you are scared of sharing with others?
Classic avoidant attachment behavior. Sounds like you are emotionally unavailable and commitment issues are inevitably a big part of that. The fact that you are aware of this thought process is a really good sign though; many who have severe avoidance just completely reject every person who they're initially attracted to and never realize that they're self-sabotaging and making it impossible to genuinely connect with anyone. Therapy is honestly the best way to deal with this (and may bring up the uncomfortable realization that your childhood was not as perfect as you thpught it was), but you can get a head start by learning as much as you can about attachment theory and working towards becoming secure. It is worth it and it is possible, but it's hard work.
Is it only when women express interest in you that you're turned off? Like, you only truly fancy a woman when you find out she's absolutely not interested? Cuz if that's the case, yeah that's completely not normal.
I did this a lot. So many girls interested in me, but I always pushed them away. There was always 'something' with them I didn't like. Now that I am in my early thirties I regret rejecting some of them. I figured out I was the problem. Some were just gorgeous fun girls, who I would pick any day now.
maybe you're insisting your 100 percent straight just a little bit too hard? Rethink your sexuality - I think
I did this in my late teens and early 20s. I didn't really want a relationship. Id take forever to pick up the signs that someone was interested and then reject them in a pretty brutal way as soon as I figured it out. constant texting and contact from someone who was a stranger a month ago would make me run a mile as well. It took a particularly obsessive and persistent woman to get me into a relationship. In fact I bluntly told her "you are a snake, fuck off and leave me alone". She kept chipping away despite me being increasingly aggressive with my no. I'm genuinely happy with her 5 years later. I would try to to be outgoing, sociable and confident if I had to find another partner. Or at the very least do a good job pretending. Good luck.
Well you can still be a very deeply closeted homosexual…
you watch too much porn
Could this be a disfuncional version of FOMO where you think there is someone perfect for you out there and so no one else measures up and you don't want to settle and"waste time" with them in case it prevents you from your ideal that is still out there?
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I get rejected by girls for no reason is this normal?
you are overthinking about it. just hang out with them and fk. I am like that bro
Yes, me too
Left Swipe syndrome. Welcome to your own generation.
You have low self esteem actually. When a person is showing you appreciation, it offends you because at your core, you don't love yourself, so think these people are fools. So instead of accepting love that is coming your way, you will instead chase love from people that are not interested in you at all. A good way to show yourself some love is to try accepting love that is coming your way. So long as love is not coming at you with manipulation and a lot of strings attached, abuse.. if the love is pure, kind and free.. that is the absolute best kind of love. You are denying yourself happiness out of belief you are not worthy. So you are not 100% physically attracted to them? Grow up, love is not a visual experience, it's physical and emotional. You stop thinking about how people look early on. If a woman is great looking it can't compensate for terrible personality. Also these people approaching you are wanting you to dominate them, they want you to tell them what you want, they want to make you happy. This can be really confusing for people who grew up with narcissistic family members who always kept you on-edge. Ie if you were brought up to be a submissive, and trained to be one, it is very confusing and bewildering how to take a dominant role. But You seem like you might be young, so it's a good time to think about the possibility that a perosn who loves you and wants to serve you and be led by you is an ASSET, not a LIABILITY. You have to meditate on this.
How do you know the women approaching him want to be dominated?
How often are women proposing to you?
lets say like once in a month prolly.
Self doubt, need to work on improving your own personal worth (how you see yourself)
It's a complicated issue. Mind itself is complicated. What happens with your emotions and thoughts whenever you realise you start liking someone romantically? You say it's not fear. What is it then?
Do you also feel that way when you are the one approaching them?
Maybe you aren't afraid of relationships on the surface but you are deep down? I mean, that would be the normal reason. It could be more involved, like being afraid of being rejected or afraid of intimacy...but it kind of comes down to the same thing. And you may be afraid of them on a subconscious level, rather than consciously.
You are probably the 0.01% I see many of the sub reddits are talking about. The other 99.99% had to usually take action first. 😅
Self destructive personality would be my initial guess. Do you sabotage yourself in other ways and destroy things going your way? If so, it'd be less about women and a trait you have overall that, shockingly, I can't diagnosis the root cause of from a single post. 😄
You don't need a reason to reject anyone and it is perfectly normal to reject people However from what I understand you are creating reasons to distance yourself from potential love interests without necessarily wanting to Might help to talk to a therapist
If you were not interested and engaging into a relationship, now that would be Strange and wrong. Rejecting when not interested wtvr the reason sounds normal.
how do they aproach ? maybe you find it too direct low effort or bad ?
Yes, it's ok 👍
Sounds to me like a self-esteem issue/ security issue. If you reject people first, they won't have the opportunity to hurt your feelings. You are potentially missing out on a lot of really good opportunities for friendship/romance. Women make up 50% of the earth's population and you are rejecting their company based on... what? Also, what if they're just approaching you for conversation but you're assuming they fancy you? What sort of interactions are you having?
I always assumed I did this because they were actively trying to disrupt me peace...
Cause the chase is over once you agree
Do you go to therapy? That might help.
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You can reject anyone for any reason. The fact that you want to reject them is enough, when someone worth your attention will come along you will feel different.
Maybe you just didn’t find THIS person
Rejecting people is a very liberating thing to do, both for yourself and the people you reject. Don't fault yourself for that.
No it's not normal. But don't date, cuz it can hurt the other person who wished for more.
See a therapist …. They will help you figure out why. At least you know you are doing this to yourself, which shows emotional intelligence. Best self investment you can do.
Go to a counselor. That's the only way to find out what is behind your issues.
I ghost everyone, girls included.
You are not ready foe it yet you are still working your life and maturing
perhaps you think of them as easily available if they come forward first onto you, thinking that they are low of value if they have to do it themselves and not you chasing them (ngl happened to me and many people i know and i think its kinda natural)
Self-esteem? I always assumed something must be wrong with a person if they were into me. Didn't realise I was doing it until it was pointed out to me.
Go to a psychiatrist
There is a reason. You just don't know it yet
Maybe you just haven’t been attracted to the women who have asked you out? -Or- Maybe you should see a therapist about your inner voice sabotaging your dates. This is definitely worth looking into with a professional.
There's nothing wrong with it. You're fine.
I think it's about fear, judgement and control. I know I've done this a few times, without the conscious gaslighting though. When I was really young, I didn't follow up on girls who liked me. I walked away. In reality I was afraid of women back then. It was my immaturity. So, one way to deal with fear is to become the dominant one, the initiator. That seems like a solution for the ego, but it's really not a solution at all. The real solution is to see these women as equals, get to know them, and find out if there's anything there for you.
I reject everybody eventually lol
You probably gay or smth... nah jk I TOTALLY get that.
Fear of rejection so you reject them first
I understand your situation, you're basically turned off by any minor detail, well what i can advise you to do, is to be aware that no human is perfect, and we all have flaws, even the best of us, so instead of looking for a flawless girl, look for a girl with a flaw that you can tolerate, this approach is also good for the development of the relationship afterwards.. the ideal partner only exists in our minds, the person we finally end up with is the closest it can get to that ideal criteria we set, but can never reach it. hope i explained myself in a clear manner
I can relate to this. Talking to a therapist would probably help you a ton with understanding this better. A Few general ideas come to mind (totally random and none of them may have any bearing here): 1. Trauma (trauma can come from unexpected and simple experiences throughout your life) 2. Fear (fear is not always obvious and can hide in forms like anxiety and anger) 3. Hear me out on this one. Possibility of ADHD (can cause someone to desire novelty and variety and fear boredom which can translate to feeling disinterested once you realize there’s no chase involved anymore) 4. Could just be a phase/age related. Don’t be too hard on yourself about it and just recognize how you are feeling.
What if they have man hands or eat their peas one at a time?
I wouldn't want to be with someone who has such poor taste. I suspect it's a self-love thing.
I don't think reddit is qualified bro, you need a therapist to help you understand why you do this so you can have healthier behavior in this regard.
Expectations. You likely just haven't met your ideal type of woman yet. Let's face it, high value men have a right to be picky these days, and not many of us are willing to settle for low quality products or used goods.
Thats makes a lot of sense.
Damn bro, that’s 100% me. None of my friends have helped me figure out why I do this, I just blamed myself. I really need a solution because retrospectively I have a lot of regrets
You might want to google Demand Avoidance and see if it’s a fit for you!
Trust your guts. This doesn't have to be a problem.
Avoidant attachment?
Maybe you are too demanding?
Avoidant attachment alert.
I kind of have the same problem
Gaslighting. I love how an entirely emotionally stunted generation uses the most complicated terms for being a bit of a dick.
I would go at least 6-12 months of be8ng friends with someone before creating a relationship with them, I just don't wanna be with someone who could potentially be untrustworthy
Are you scared of messing up, having them know more about you, etc etc? Are you afraid of anything at all? Does it feel like you CAN'T get too close to them and have to do whatever it takes to prevent that?
Are you so afraid of rejection that you reject them before it can happen to you?
It looks like simply shyness. Maybe it's like you sabotage yourself because you are too internally afraid to be with a girl. Having a girlfriend means changing your status. You value your status so you don't want to change it. At least I think it might be this. You know yourself best so treat my words only as suggestion not a verdict.
I guess you haven't met the right girl and that's it. It also looks like you are quite young since you think about slightest defects making me think you are still at the level of fooling yourself that you're gonna fight a perfect person to be with and that you are entitled to get the best of the best. That will never happen, the sooner you realize that, the better. Or maybe you are just not cut out for long-lasting relationship, not everyone must have a partner for life. Nothing wrong with that.
Girls very rarely approach the guy, I think something else is happening here. Either you’re not mentioning something or the women that are approaching you aren’t your type bc usually that’s how it goes
there's a reason alright
George Castanza off of Seinfeld
If I had someone peruse me it felt uncomfortable for a really really long time and I always rejected the people pursuing me. For me it always felt like it wasn’t genuine (even if it was I’d think to myself and kinda “spiral” I guess and then it all just felt forced & fake) and I genuinely wasn’t interested in people that pursued me, I wanted to do the chase & make those efforts and I didn’t want it the other way around. It all boiled down to me not feeling good enough in myself that I truly believed that anyone who pursued me was not being serious& I had to do those things for others in order to feel like it was going somewhere
I used to feel like that. You will grow out of it.
it's called insecurity. Stop apologizing for your apparent arrogance, it makes the blatant insecurity more evident. You'll need to get over this though if you want to attract a stable partner. First step is stop referring to this as rejection. It's not them it's you.
Are you afraid of being rejected after you've let her into your life and she's gotten to know you and how you live, thus such a rejection at that stage will not be for shallow or circumstantial reasons, but of the real unlovable you?
the internet can't guess what your perception is...you just gotta dig inside yourself and ask yourself is everything ok
Fear of being happy? Fear that if you become happy and it doesn't work out you will be crushed? Maybe some talk therapy could help you sort this out?
Maybe that is your coping mechanism to prevent others from seeing the real you. Either you're afraid of commitment, too self conscious (physically), or you just don't like the person/not your type. Actually out of all the replies you'll see here, you are the one who can answer your question.
Is your name George Costanza or Jerry by chance?
Maybe a defense mechanism? Could be that you want to be the one who rejects first in order to not get rejected in the future. Idk. Edit: It might be done in a subconscious manner.
Would it be helpful to you to maybe add to OP and give us an actual example.of your thought process when you're gaslighting yourself? Bc I don't understand. Could be a few normal things and a few abnormal things or maybe something that never occurred to me. I'm leaning toward you just self sabotage. It would help to understand are you actually attracted? Like you mentioned younger girls. I'm 43 and mostly been pretty fortunate and happy in relationships, I can think of a bunch of times I had an inner dialogue about 🚩🚩🚩 related to immaturity, a bunch of them were women my age/a bit older. Very different scenario from a teenage girl who is acting flirty with me. Women 10y or so younger than me are a third scenario at this point in life. So I can't really tell what your situation might be among a lot of possibilities
Sounds like you might be afraid of the unknown. Give it a shot, if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. Something good might come from it, but you'll never know unless you try
REMEMBER,,, there are no rules for relationships Never have been It's all about what works for you
Probably not a cowars in general but a coward when it comes to saying what you want and feeling oo about it. Ie your not very good at saying you need your personal space and time and are a coward avout it because you dont like conflict so you just call it quits. A bit like a boss who wpuld rather just fire you than resolve the issue at hand because what the heck your replacable
What was your mother like
If you can't figure it out yourself, you need to talk to a therapist or some close friends to get to the bottom of the issue. People on Reddit know nothing about you, so it is tough to answer whether there is something wrong with you.
Get yourself right. I've been this way for 65 years and it's not fun once you start paying attention to the fallout. I've come to realize that I'm just not a true people person and I have come to accept it even though I've been alone for many years and many times wish I wasn't this way.
“I have never been afraid of relationships or commitment” BULL SHIT! Actions speak louder than words. You’re in denial and need to figure out what you truly want by being honest with yourself.
You're delusionally telling yourself you're emotionally available and that you're not afraid of commitment and relationships but in reality it probably terrifies you.
99% likelyhood of Childhood trauma
Probably think they're too good for you, self confidence issue. Why do you think that is?
What is wrong with you is you are gaslighting yourself. This is irrational, and you're not doing yourself any favors.
It may just be that you subconsciously have already picked up on something that makes them incompatible with you. I do that now that i´m older, my primary attraction to women is sexual but i know most of them are nowhere near to being compatible with me in life, so i just don´t bother with it. Ultimately the answer is within you.
I have done that most of my life. Never figured out why.. So many potential relationships ruined.
Emotional unavailability, self worth issues, commitment/abandonment issues, take a pick
therapy for you. you probably have some trust issues or self esteem issues you aren't dealing with.
Oh there is a reason. Just need to figure it out.
Definitely get some therapy. Probably suppressed trauma.
Geez. As a woman , I can tell you , there is nothing wrong with you. You don't have to like every girl, even if she is perfect. You're just in a phase, it will pass , You're not gaslighting yourself, you're just not in the mood for it and that's fine. People have phases like this all the time , they just don't talk about it . Cheers.
Idk if this is normal, but why does tht matter, yeah yeah maybe u see a pattern but direct ur energy there rather than askin if it's normal, if this was normal wud u actually just accept it n just go about ur day, surely it does give perspective, but u can see how tht might go wrong, if u think it's wrong introspect more that's all. The reason ur asking this is because u don't think it's normal.
So, is it that you want to approach, not be approached? Maybe that if they approach you it's either off-putting in some way? Either there must be something wrong with them, you want someone more "traditional," or worried they've got ulterior motives? For me, I generally went for those that I could tell liked me but weren't overly forward with it. Though, if they were what I considered very attractive, figured they were feigning attraction because they wanted to either play a joke on me or take advantage of me financially/academically.
Aye I'm like that too, just means you aren't ready yet
How old are you?
Quit watching porn. Don’t ask the relevancy just do it and see how much your life surrounding women and your opinions of them improve(s)
I'm not approached by girls whatsoever and if I want sex I always have to do all the work, However, I have this fantasy where a girl falls in love with me, without me having to do the effort, and I, politely but very directly, reject her. Every time I replay that fantasy in my head, I get a small ego boost. Maybe it's similar for you? I'm too much of a wimp to actually do that irl if I ever get the chance, but maybe you're not.
Have you considered just going with the flow? Doubts are normal. But you can spend time with a person and get to know them better. The real dealbreakers tend to appear only after a few months anyway. Just because you are spending time with a person and get closer to them doesn’t mean you have to spend the rest of your life with them. Try to give yourself and the other person a chance. Also, try to find the underlying issue here and fix it? The book „Attached“ is a great starting point (someone else mentioned avoidant attachment), even though I think reality is not as black and white as the author makes it out to be. I still found it very helpful.
What about the girls you like