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OF and X platforms are a lot more engaging than genetic porn, and some would consider it as cheating. He definitely has a type, and unfortunately the downside of porn and all those visuals, your brain does get reprogrammed and brainwashed to a point that only those images arouse you. Maybe your husband is in a deep rabbit hole, and addicted, which is affecting his performance. It’s impossible for you not to internalize this as a rejection. He is your main source of validation as your husband. Time to address his addiction. You need to set rigid boundaries. Sex therapist might help.
I think definitely seeing a therapist would help because I’ve tried communicating with him one on one but he’s a people pleaser and takes any tone of conversation to heart. He gets very depressed and begins telling me how sorry he is and that he’s the worst and doesn’t know why I’m with him. It just makes my heart hurt for him and I drop the topic
You know people pleasing is the #1 tactic of manipulators, he’s got your number, he knows how to pull at your heartstrings to get what he wants, in this case, carry on with his addition.
I never really considered he might be doing that to get me to drop the conversation but that actually makes sense. I feel like he just wants to ignore that there is an issue
By appeasing you, he remains in control aka left to his own devices, doesn’t have to engage in a discussion or really work on improvement. You’ll be surprised how far the addicts will go to keep status quo. I can bet once you start digging in your heels, he will show his true colors aka might get nasty and etc.
There's a YouTube channel, Huberman Labs, I think that talked about dopamine and how to do a reset. Porn floods your brain with dopamine similarly to sex and after a while, your brain adjusts, and it takes more stimulus to register as a normal stimulus. It takes 6 weeks of very low stimulation activities and resets your bodys natural "dopamine high" level.
I did it in 2023, and it made a big difference to me. I'm now very aware of what types of stimulus I allow because doing the reset made all the old things feel new and exciting again.
On the type thing, to be fair, there's probably an idealized man out there that would make you wet instantly if you could interact with him like the girls online do, or read about him in a good romance novel. He's probably nothing like your guy. Not justifying his actions, just be aware of your own turn on's when your discussing his.
If he isn't ready to communicate about this with you, start an intentional communication process about other areas of your life, so that he gains better skills and has a good idea how you will respond and react.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OF and X platforms are a lot more engaging than genetic porn, and some would consider it as cheating. He definitely has a type, and unfortunately the downside of porn and all those visuals, your brain does get reprogrammed and brainwashed to a point that only those images arouse you. Maybe your husband is in a deep rabbit hole, and addicted, which is affecting his performance. It’s impossible for you not to internalize this as a rejection. He is your main source of validation as your husband. Time to address his addiction. You need to set rigid boundaries. Sex therapist might help.
I think definitely seeing a therapist would help because I’ve tried communicating with him one on one but he’s a people pleaser and takes any tone of conversation to heart. He gets very depressed and begins telling me how sorry he is and that he’s the worst and doesn’t know why I’m with him. It just makes my heart hurt for him and I drop the topic
You know people pleasing is the #1 tactic of manipulators, he’s got your number, he knows how to pull at your heartstrings to get what he wants, in this case, carry on with his addition.
I never really considered he might be doing that to get me to drop the conversation but that actually makes sense. I feel like he just wants to ignore that there is an issue
By appeasing you, he remains in control aka left to his own devices, doesn’t have to engage in a discussion or really work on improvement. You’ll be surprised how far the addicts will go to keep status quo. I can bet once you start digging in your heels, he will show his true colors aka might get nasty and etc.
There's a YouTube channel, Huberman Labs, I think that talked about dopamine and how to do a reset. Porn floods your brain with dopamine similarly to sex and after a while, your brain adjusts, and it takes more stimulus to register as a normal stimulus. It takes 6 weeks of very low stimulation activities and resets your bodys natural "dopamine high" level. I did it in 2023, and it made a big difference to me. I'm now very aware of what types of stimulus I allow because doing the reset made all the old things feel new and exciting again. On the type thing, to be fair, there's probably an idealized man out there that would make you wet instantly if you could interact with him like the girls online do, or read about him in a good romance novel. He's probably nothing like your guy. Not justifying his actions, just be aware of your own turn on's when your discussing his. If he isn't ready to communicate about this with you, start an intentional communication process about other areas of your life, so that he gains better skills and has a good idea how you will respond and react.
I think your BF wrote in earlier this month....
What makes you think so?
Men write to this forum about the other side of this issue. Almost certainly not your guy, but it's not a rare problem.