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1. There are treatments for vaginismus, so dont despair over that too much.
2. There's more to sex and masturbation than penetration.
3. Sex doesnt have to suck for women.
I know there is treatment but it’s putting dilators in, if I’m scared to put a finger in that’s going to suck more- and it’s going to take years to get rid of it.
[You definitely don't sound like you're ready for sex right now, and that's perfectly fine and understandable.](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sexuality/ready-or-not-scarleteen-sex-readiness-checklist)
It sounds like you grew up being brainwashed by a lot of nonsense. At some point it would be a good idea to get some psychotherapy because if all your assumptions about women, your body, sex, masturbation, orgasms and pleasure isn’t addressed you’re looking at a life of missed opportunities.
Don't overthink about it, you're thinking of something that will or might not happen, it's not reality. Just be free in mind and improve, best you can do. Just wait 3 or 4 years and your idea will change
Are you feeling turned on when you try these experiments (like putting a finger inside)? When two people have sex, if there’s no foreplay, penetration is going to be painful for the woman. That can be true for fingers as well as penis. AND this is also true of masturbation. You need to get in the mood first, by thinking thoughts, watching porn, reading naughty books, etc. You need to figure out what works for you, what turns you on. Many women prefer to masturbate with no penetration at all. You could work on that and trying different things and seeing what feels good to you. You might think that that is not going to get you to your goal of feeling like you will be able to have penetrative sex in the future, but trust me: understanding your own turn ons IS the first step.
But also. You have a lot of gender dysphoria in your post and I think you would benefit from counseling.
Then you need a new therapist. Also, you’re 15, chill a little about worrying about guys wanting sex.
Worry about what YOU want. Not them. You need to be able to hold your boundaries and say no if you don’t want something.
Not to mention, at 15, you’ve been given some great suggestions here and are shooting them down “bc they take too long”. Oh well. Start now and then you’ll be more ready for the future instead of being lazy and doing nothing.
As far as the vagina stuff, try using tampons, you can also explain to your mom you want to start seeing a gyno bc school health class said it’s good to start getting checked. If you’re in the US, you can also go to a planned parenthood. They’re usually free or low cost. They’ll help with more options.
I hope you find a solution that works for you.
I’m not being “lazy and doing nothing” I didn’t ask for this, and it’s supposed to be painful and woman online have had it for 20 years why would to complain about it??
Out of everything I said, that’s all you’re focusing on?!!!!
I didn’t say you WERE being lazy and doing nothing. I said to start the suggestions now “instead of being lazy and doing nothing”.
As in don’t be lazy and do nothing. Be proactive. Especially bc if it is that, it does take work to get through it. My gosh, you need to read what is actually written instead of flying off the handle.
Also, you’re self diagnosing. It may not be that and may just be bc you’re a virgin. Get to a doctor and get an actual diagnosis.
I know i self diagnosed I put it in the post, and I’m not flying off the handle- I’m scared, there’s a difference.
Also If you read the post you’d see I can’t go to a gyno or a doctor as my parents won’t take me :).
I just told you how to try to get around it and how to try to go. Also, doctors are healthcare. There’s no excuse for not taking you. There’s also planned parenthood. You don’t need your parent for that one.
You only focused on one thing I said and reacted to that. That’s not being scared, that’s hearing what you want to hear.
Until you get a diagnosis, you need to take deep breaths. Bc it may not be that. It could also be your hymen.
Not to mention, masturbation for girls/women, doesn’t feel amazing at first. It takes TIME for it all to come together. TIME to learn what you do and don’t like and yes, it may hurt at first. It does for some women and they don’t even have vaginismus. Then it gets better.
Even if you do get actually diagnosed with it, there are ways to work through it. As I’ve said, you’ve been given suggestions above that you can start.
I’m much older than you. I’ve had a lot of sex as a woman. We are very different from men when it comes to being able to achieve orgasm.
You need to take some deep breaths. Sex will happen for you.
“Counseling doesn’t help” is simply not a good enough answer. Sounds like you have ALOT of assumptions about many aspects of life and you can add therapy to the list. You must seek some kind of mental health treatment because folks are trying to give you suggestions and advice but you’re rejecting the help. You need to try therapy again.
I’ve been to therapy for one and it did not work at all, I’ve had 4 therapists and they put me down- only few therapists in the area, and I’ve tried most of them, seems like a good answer when I’ve had experience in it and it didn’t work.
I’m sorry but you’re leaving out crucial details about your experience in therapy. How long did you attend? Did you apply yourself? Did you take their suggestions? Did you show up and show up on time? Did you keep trying and stick it out even when it felt like you weren’t making progress? Did you express your dissatisfaction with them? Did Are you educated about what role is as the patient in therapy and tried your best to fulfill it?They “put me down”. What does that mean? Are you sure you’re interpreting their input accurately? Sometimes therapists are appropriately confrontational and that can be interpreted all kinds of ways by the client. You seem extremely sensitive so I wouldn’t be surprised if the therapists were just being good therapists and you couldn’t tolerate the therapy. You said there’s only a few in your area and you’ve tried most of them. Try ALL of them then. I find it very difficult to believe that ALL FOUR therapists were awful, horrible people who abused you. Is it possible? Sure. But given what we know about you now it’s possible you weren’t ready for therapy and didn’t properly utilize it in a way to benefit you. You said you grew up in a conservatively religious household. Were these religiously minded therapists? If so perhaps that’s why you felt the therapy didn’t “work”. Have you even looked at yourself in terms of why the therapy didn’t work? Do you hold any of the responsibility in the failure of the treatment or was it all the therapist’s fault? I come across far too many people who have bad therapy experiences because they as the patient did not take an active role in their development and expected the therapist to magically make their problems disappear and/or ignored ways to understand themselves without judgment. You came here looking for advice to help you but it seems you’re rejecting most of the advice. I have to wonder if you did this with your therapists too.
My partner might have vaginism, too. But thats fine, because we both dont like penetration at all. Sex is not about penetration.
I hope you find a good way to masturbate and orgasm. That is much more important then penetration sex.
But life is definatly not over 😊
It is possible you're pushing the wrong place, there will be a hole there if you're getting your period/discharge as it has to come out somewhere.
A little discomfort is normal when first exploring penetration but excessive pain or being unable to fit things in e.g. fingers/tampon etc could be a sign of vaginismus. Don't worry, it is treatable and you won't live with your parents forever, once you're an adult you can seek professional support and purchase dilators etc.
But I wouldn't jump to that straight away as sounds like you have a bit more exploring to do.
It was definitely my vagina I tried, I’ll try a tampon when I get my period as I only used pads before- also tried doing clit stuff and it still sucked :/.
If you're under any stress while exploring your body, it's going to suck. The firmess you're feeling sounds like it might be your hymen, they differ between women and sometimes they can block things. I would try doing some more exploring or trying tampons or cups for your period if you want to because if it's your hymen, it should loosen up as you stretch it and could take months or even some years. It took about five years from breaking my hymen until it stopped causing me soreness at some angles; I can still feel where it is when using menstrual cups but it doesn't usually hurt anymore. If stretching things out doesn't change anything then I would try to see a doctor if at all possible
Maybe your right- thing is I could get a finger in a few weeks ago, but now it’s right at the entrance, it could be my hymen, I was going to just push it in myself but I’m too much of a baby ;|.
You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. The vagina goes through changes during the menstrual cycle and the cervix goes up and down so maybe your hymen is lower at some points than others. I'm no expert or doctor though
If you use tampons, you can tell your parents that you experience excruciating pain inserting them, and you’d like to see a gyno asap. A wall? Can it be a hymen? But, if putting pressure around your clit and vulva gives you a burning sensation, it might be vulvodynia even. Or, you might be experiencing these uncomfortable symptoms bc of a drastic hormone influx/change given your age. Trying to self diagnose using internet will only make you very anxious and scared. Also, inserting objects that arent well cleaned (no condom) or unwashed hands, can throw your delicate pH balance off, causing anything from a yeast infection to a UTI. Please find a way to see a doctor.
[Vaginismus is not the end of the world.](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sexual-health/fbi-files/fbi-files-vaginismus)
[As for your views on sex being pretty dismal, all I can really do is refer you to Scarleteen for further reading.](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sexuality)
Sex, Etc. is also an age-appropriate source for you to check out.
You need to see a doctor. Tell your parents there is something wrong down there. Don't be specific. Just tell them you have serious pain and need to see a gynecologist. If they probe don't give any more details. Just say you have pain and need a doctor.
It’s possible you’re just at the wrong angle. You have to go up and back. Not straight up. Or you’ll hit bone. Like when you put a tampon in. Pls Google it if you’re unsure what I mean.
I promise you it can feel good and it won’t hurt forever once you get the hang of it.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Consequences of religious parents I guess.
1. There are treatments for vaginismus, so dont despair over that too much. 2. There's more to sex and masturbation than penetration. 3. Sex doesnt have to suck for women.
I know there is treatment but it’s putting dilators in, if I’m scared to put a finger in that’s going to suck more- and it’s going to take years to get rid of it.
There are also reverse kegels, psychological treatments, you have options here.
Those options will take years but thanks anyway, I just can’t have sex now, but then again by the looks of it I’m not missing out on much anyway.
[You definitely don't sound like you're ready for sex right now, and that's perfectly fine and understandable.](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sexuality/ready-or-not-scarleteen-sex-readiness-checklist)
It sounds like you grew up being brainwashed by a lot of nonsense. At some point it would be a good idea to get some psychotherapy because if all your assumptions about women, your body, sex, masturbation, orgasms and pleasure isn’t addressed you’re looking at a life of missed opportunities.
You're still 15, there's still a chance that it will change after a few years, what you can do now is improve your condition safely
I don’t know, a few years is still annoying, I’m going to be like 25 and still a inexperienced weirdo virgin and nobody wants that.
Don't overthink about it, you're thinking of something that will or might not happen, it's not reality. Just be free in mind and improve, best you can do. Just wait 3 or 4 years and your idea will change
Are you feeling turned on when you try these experiments (like putting a finger inside)? When two people have sex, if there’s no foreplay, penetration is going to be painful for the woman. That can be true for fingers as well as penis. AND this is also true of masturbation. You need to get in the mood first, by thinking thoughts, watching porn, reading naughty books, etc. You need to figure out what works for you, what turns you on. Many women prefer to masturbate with no penetration at all. You could work on that and trying different things and seeing what feels good to you. You might think that that is not going to get you to your goal of feeling like you will be able to have penetrative sex in the future, but trust me: understanding your own turn ons IS the first step. But also. You have a lot of gender dysphoria in your post and I think you would benefit from counseling.
Thanks, I have been turned on and I’ve tried counselling and it doesn’t help- but thanks anyway.
Then you need a new therapist. Also, you’re 15, chill a little about worrying about guys wanting sex. Worry about what YOU want. Not them. You need to be able to hold your boundaries and say no if you don’t want something. Not to mention, at 15, you’ve been given some great suggestions here and are shooting them down “bc they take too long”. Oh well. Start now and then you’ll be more ready for the future instead of being lazy and doing nothing. As far as the vagina stuff, try using tampons, you can also explain to your mom you want to start seeing a gyno bc school health class said it’s good to start getting checked. If you’re in the US, you can also go to a planned parenthood. They’re usually free or low cost. They’ll help with more options. I hope you find a solution that works for you.
I’m not being “lazy and doing nothing” I didn’t ask for this, and it’s supposed to be painful and woman online have had it for 20 years why would to complain about it??
Out of everything I said, that’s all you’re focusing on?!!!! I didn’t say you WERE being lazy and doing nothing. I said to start the suggestions now “instead of being lazy and doing nothing”. As in don’t be lazy and do nothing. Be proactive. Especially bc if it is that, it does take work to get through it. My gosh, you need to read what is actually written instead of flying off the handle. Also, you’re self diagnosing. It may not be that and may just be bc you’re a virgin. Get to a doctor and get an actual diagnosis.
I know i self diagnosed I put it in the post, and I’m not flying off the handle- I’m scared, there’s a difference. Also If you read the post you’d see I can’t go to a gyno or a doctor as my parents won’t take me :).
I just told you how to try to get around it and how to try to go. Also, doctors are healthcare. There’s no excuse for not taking you. There’s also planned parenthood. You don’t need your parent for that one. You only focused on one thing I said and reacted to that. That’s not being scared, that’s hearing what you want to hear. Until you get a diagnosis, you need to take deep breaths. Bc it may not be that. It could also be your hymen. Not to mention, masturbation for girls/women, doesn’t feel amazing at first. It takes TIME for it all to come together. TIME to learn what you do and don’t like and yes, it may hurt at first. It does for some women and they don’t even have vaginismus. Then it gets better. Even if you do get actually diagnosed with it, there are ways to work through it. As I’ve said, you’ve been given suggestions above that you can start. I’m much older than you. I’ve had a lot of sex as a woman. We are very different from men when it comes to being able to achieve orgasm. You need to take some deep breaths. Sex will happen for you.
“Counseling doesn’t help” is simply not a good enough answer. Sounds like you have ALOT of assumptions about many aspects of life and you can add therapy to the list. You must seek some kind of mental health treatment because folks are trying to give you suggestions and advice but you’re rejecting the help. You need to try therapy again.
I’ve been to therapy for one and it did not work at all, I’ve had 4 therapists and they put me down- only few therapists in the area, and I’ve tried most of them, seems like a good answer when I’ve had experience in it and it didn’t work.
I’m sorry but you’re leaving out crucial details about your experience in therapy. How long did you attend? Did you apply yourself? Did you take their suggestions? Did you show up and show up on time? Did you keep trying and stick it out even when it felt like you weren’t making progress? Did you express your dissatisfaction with them? Did Are you educated about what role is as the patient in therapy and tried your best to fulfill it?They “put me down”. What does that mean? Are you sure you’re interpreting their input accurately? Sometimes therapists are appropriately confrontational and that can be interpreted all kinds of ways by the client. You seem extremely sensitive so I wouldn’t be surprised if the therapists were just being good therapists and you couldn’t tolerate the therapy. You said there’s only a few in your area and you’ve tried most of them. Try ALL of them then. I find it very difficult to believe that ALL FOUR therapists were awful, horrible people who abused you. Is it possible? Sure. But given what we know about you now it’s possible you weren’t ready for therapy and didn’t properly utilize it in a way to benefit you. You said you grew up in a conservatively religious household. Were these religiously minded therapists? If so perhaps that’s why you felt the therapy didn’t “work”. Have you even looked at yourself in terms of why the therapy didn’t work? Do you hold any of the responsibility in the failure of the treatment or was it all the therapist’s fault? I come across far too many people who have bad therapy experiences because they as the patient did not take an active role in their development and expected the therapist to magically make their problems disappear and/or ignored ways to understand themselves without judgment. You came here looking for advice to help you but it seems you’re rejecting most of the advice. I have to wonder if you did this with your therapists too.
You're 15 and dumb as it looks from your quotes. Grow up a bit first and then focus on anything sexual-related.
My partner might have vaginism, too. But thats fine, because we both dont like penetration at all. Sex is not about penetration. I hope you find a good way to masturbate and orgasm. That is much more important then penetration sex. But life is definatly not over 😊
Find a guy that like and know to use his tongue, and there is plenty, you will both be very happy.
Guys will still want sex
Yes probably. But as others said, there is really so much more to sex than vaginal penetration. It will not necessarily be a deal breaker, believe it.
It is possible you're pushing the wrong place, there will be a hole there if you're getting your period/discharge as it has to come out somewhere. A little discomfort is normal when first exploring penetration but excessive pain or being unable to fit things in e.g. fingers/tampon etc could be a sign of vaginismus. Don't worry, it is treatable and you won't live with your parents forever, once you're an adult you can seek professional support and purchase dilators etc. But I wouldn't jump to that straight away as sounds like you have a bit more exploring to do.
Also re masturbation you don't need to put anything inside, a lot of women just stimulate the clit outside
It was definitely my vagina I tried, I’ll try a tampon when I get my period as I only used pads before- also tried doing clit stuff and it still sucked :/.
Were you turned on when you tried? It won't do much just trying to rub it when not in the mood & no build up
Yeah I was and it still sucked
If you're under any stress while exploring your body, it's going to suck. The firmess you're feeling sounds like it might be your hymen, they differ between women and sometimes they can block things. I would try doing some more exploring or trying tampons or cups for your period if you want to because if it's your hymen, it should loosen up as you stretch it and could take months or even some years. It took about five years from breaking my hymen until it stopped causing me soreness at some angles; I can still feel where it is when using menstrual cups but it doesn't usually hurt anymore. If stretching things out doesn't change anything then I would try to see a doctor if at all possible
Maybe your right- thing is I could get a finger in a few weeks ago, but now it’s right at the entrance, it could be my hymen, I was going to just push it in myself but I’m too much of a baby ;|.
You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. The vagina goes through changes during the menstrual cycle and the cervix goes up and down so maybe your hymen is lower at some points than others. I'm no expert or doctor though
If you use tampons, you can tell your parents that you experience excruciating pain inserting them, and you’d like to see a gyno asap. A wall? Can it be a hymen? But, if putting pressure around your clit and vulva gives you a burning sensation, it might be vulvodynia even. Or, you might be experiencing these uncomfortable symptoms bc of a drastic hormone influx/change given your age. Trying to self diagnose using internet will only make you very anxious and scared. Also, inserting objects that arent well cleaned (no condom) or unwashed hands, can throw your delicate pH balance off, causing anything from a yeast infection to a UTI. Please find a way to see a doctor.
[Vaginismus is not the end of the world.](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sexual-health/fbi-files/fbi-files-vaginismus) [As for your views on sex being pretty dismal, all I can really do is refer you to Scarleteen for further reading.](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sexuality) Sex, Etc. is also an age-appropriate source for you to check out.
You need to see a doctor. Tell your parents there is something wrong down there. Don't be specific. Just tell them you have serious pain and need to see a gynecologist. If they probe don't give any more details. Just say you have pain and need a doctor.
It’s possible you’re just at the wrong angle. You have to go up and back. Not straight up. Or you’ll hit bone. Like when you put a tampon in. Pls Google it if you’re unsure what I mean. I promise you it can feel good and it won’t hurt forever once you get the hang of it.