You can't fix his insecurity. He needs to work on that. You're happy with him, you've told him you're happy with your sex life. He needs counseling with this.
BTW, this is an example of how harmful the "only big dicks are good dicks" stereotype is.
For real. I had an ex with a micropenis (not trying to be mean, it was about the size of my pinky) and you know what? Some of the best sex I’ve had! Because he really cared about making me enjoy myself instead of just having this “my big dick is amazing!! It can do no wrong!!!” Kind of attitude
Thanks for sharing this. It's really nice to know even a man with a micropenis can give good sex. Society would have us believe it's a sexual death sentence. I don't know if people understand the psychological harm that's done to boys and men by constantly telling them how undesirable, inadequate and less of a man being smaller makes you.
Just out of curiosity, how did he make the sex good? I was with two different guys with actual micros and they couldn’t even stay in. In the end they just sort of smooshed against my vulva until they came.
I couldn’t keep dating either one of them.
I’ve never cum from PIV. Doubt I ever will. Not sure your point. I still WANT to have PIV in my relationship. Many women do. Nothing a man does to me causes an orgasm. I do that part myself. I’m still allowed to enjoy and want actual penetration….
Are you saying he didn’t penetrate you? Ever?
Some women are so set on being egalitarian about penis size that they think nearly everyone shouldn't place as much value on penetration.
I've known women that can't orgasm from penetration alone, but still love the sensation of a large penis or large toy.
I don't agree with their perspective of being super egalitarian and hiding preferences. Size is not everything, for sure, but goodness they duck around other people's truths.
I also have never orgasmed from PIV and pretty much won’t during sex at all unless I use a clitoral stimulating toy directly on my clit. My current boyfriend has managed it once with oral and fingering together, but has yet to happen again. This isn’t all that uncommon. Nothing wrong with my hormones or anything. I just don’t orgasm easily, and have never from PIV on its own.
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Unfortunately this is rare. I've had to bottom out numerous girlfriends and wives because they said their partner is too small. And they would always specifically want me fucking them as deep as possible every stroke. I'm pretty sure that particular need was because of a micro.
You know what toxic trait I see getting thrown around a lot?
“big dick energy”
If you’re someone that says this, then you’re adding to toxic masculinity and body dysmorphia in men. Just fyi.
I’m tiny and big ones have always hurt me so I stayed clear. With that being said I’ve recently (after childbirth) come to enjoy bigger ones (if he knows how to use his size). I indulge in darker tastes and had multiple men in one session, like I told one guy all sizes are welcomed they all hit differently and smaller ones can get away with a lot of big ones can’t.
Why and to whom is he comparing himself? Has he had someone tell him it wasn’t big enough?
I don’t know. After years together, I would stop giving in to the constant need for validation and just say how you feel. “Look, I love you and I love every part of you. I think your cock is perfect. But the more you need me to tell you, the more it detracts from us having fun and enjoying each other. It’s having a negative effect on me.”
It called *self*-esteem for a reason. You can only take him so far. He needs to do the work himself.
Constantly reassuring is exhausting. But the op says they have this conversation at least once per _year_.
I get that self esteem is his thing to work through. But reassuring someone annually is a far cry from ‘constantly.’
My partner has serious body insecurity issues, and occasionally will ask me if I still find her attractive or if I find parts of her body attractive.
Finally, when she asked me the last time I asked "what would you tell me if I said I was worried my penis was too small?"
And her response was "that would be a ridiculous question to ask... oh ..."
If its objectively large (or is to her) then yes it's a ridiculous question lol. However beauty is more of an opinion than a measurement.
Now if its more a question of if I didn't like all of you including your penis I wouldn't be with you, then yes I agree. At some point you have to believe what your partner is saying or you'll tie yourself in knots.
I agree on what you’ve said in your quotes 100% is the first best approach, but your latter comment (*“It called self-esteem for a reason. You can only take him so far. He needs to do the work himself.”*) **really** depends on what OP has tried already.
If she has only done a little by saying “you’re fine”, “yes it is big”, “I don’t want to deal with this”, or never had an open discussion - there is a supportive model; which I believe OP is asking for how to approach here.
Yes, he 100% needs to build and work on self confidence. Yes, he needs to take actions himself. However, marriage is a partnership and OP can help guide him in the right direction.
It’s not clear if open conversations have happened, and if it hasn’t that’s a key piece to this puzzle. Couples who have “State of union” conversations around sex live a much better sex love, and posts on this sub often encourage couples to sit down weekly, biweekly, or monthly to talk about their sex life. That would be the best first step, and OP should address it in a way that will make their partner comfortable; like asking what they can do to make them feel more confident, and why it’s important to be the biggest she’s had.
If they aren’t open about talking about sex, then a sex therapist would be a great step. If they’re not open to sex talk, then they need to get to regularly therapy to build general confidence and learn how to be comfortable in those conversations.
Tangential to my notes, the whole comment of insecurity and “am I the biggest” could really stem from porn watching. Unless it’s sought out, there’s very very few videos with “small” guys.
Well, from the post, OP stated that she has felt that sex needed to be performative in order to reassure him. She said “I always feel like I have to be extra showy how much I enjoy sex.”
This puts them both in an unhealthy and harmful dynamic. She needs to exaggerate a completely normal, fun, loving experience for his ego, which can’t be satisfied by her repeated reassurances. He robs her (and of course himself!) of an authentic experience by being caught up in the insecurity.
So I stand by what I said. She has reassured him for years, it falls on deaf ears, and now has the unintended consequence of her not wanting intimacy with him.
Again it’s really about the extent of things and we don’t know what we don’t know. We have one side of the story which is very valid, but it’s not detailed on what has been tried beyond that She said that it comes up **once** a year as well, so it’s not a persistent thing, and that she has to exaggerate in the bedroom (which again she shouldn’t have to do).
I never said it was healthy, and it does need addressed, but we don’t know if they’re talking with each other about their sex life at all. If it’s the once a year conversation about his size, then they need to talk about it. My only quarrel with your comment was the “you solve it” (more or less).
You said it yourself “you can only take him so far”, but what has she done to help - we don’t know. Which she could have done, but it’s not detailed.
Thus why I stated it’s important to just have an open conversation / “state of the union” around the bedroom. If you can’t be supportive and constructive in those conversations, and tell your partner “you solve it”. People that would simply say “you solve it and build your self-confidence” are not doing what they need to do in a relationship. They are equally the problem for not having an open conversation about how it makes them feel and how they can work together to resolve it.
Marriage is never a one-way street. He should have taken some initiative by now, but we don’t know what she has done beyond what was stated and she was asking for how she can help - thus my comment on talking.
Think about it from a different perspective - if you have a close friend that’s struggling mentally from childhood issues, is depressed and having self confidence issues, what do you say to them? Or would you be supportive and help them work through things? Now imagine that being a sibling or parent. A life partner is equally as important as those, which is why they need to talk.
So my comment pertained to - I completely agree, less the you do it yourself, but they need to talk. Is that wrong?
We are responding to what we do know.
She said it comes up *at least* once a year.
You’re writing me novellas about why I am wrong and my feelings and opinion based on OP’s story are completely valid. And, so are yours.
Speaking as a man, who when single I watch porn for entertainment. When I’m partnered I don’t watch porn much.
I can see a direct correlation in my head when I’m solo and watching a lot of porn I get feelings of size insecurity, when I’m partnered and not watching porn I don’t. The reality that my partners are happy and not constantly having porn size expectations in my daily life make a huge difference.
Maybe he is consuming media in one form or another that is clouding his expectations of himself?
Well, I don’t ‘never’ watch it but typically when I’m partnered I’m having sex often enough that my libido is satisfied and I don’t masterbate as often.
I hope this isn't TMI, but I remember one of the best compliments I ever got in that arena: I was dating this girl, and out of nowhere, she said something about how it was just the right size and it fit *perfectly* in her hand, her mouth, and her hoo-hah. That was *years* ago and I still remember it. I never struggled like your husband, but it gave me a lot of confidence.
This
Or maybe take ownership? If he brings it up in mid sex, say something like “if I wanted a different dick, I would go get one, but I want you to fuck me with this dick now give me the dick I want.”
From his perspective he needs to feel like he is normal. https://calcsd.info/ is a great site to get some perspective on his size. Learning to measure properly helps as well.
For you, you need to communicate that you love him and his penis just as it is and don’t want it any different. Then let him know that his insecurities are affecting your arousal. He needs to actively be working on this and finding some peace about it. If he needs professional help to come to terms with being average, it’s his responsibility to seek it.
Idk if it’ll help any, but kind of goes along with what others have said above. I frequently say things to my bf along the lines of “your body was made for mine” etc while we’re having sex.
I hate it when they make their penis insecurity your problem by making you lie to them about it just to keep the peace.
I stopped answering those questions a long time ago and tell them I won’t. Instead I tell them sincerely what I like about it.
If that’s not enough for them then we shouldn’t be together.
How should a partner deal with any body image issue?
I think you validate his feelings, not his dick size. Tell him that you understand that he feels inadequate but he doesn't disappoint you. This isn't a trivial insecurity, give it the seriousness it deserves.
That’s tough. Sounds like he needs therapy. I would communicate your feelings to him. How he’s more than enough and how much you love him and his penis. Then tell him the only thing that bothers you is his lack of confidence, it’s literally they only negative.
I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time.
From the male perspective, it's impossible to describe just how much we're programmed by society from a very young age that bigger is better when it comes to penis size. Deprograming myself from the belief is *THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO*. I know it'll be a lifelong struggling for me. Especially since we still live in a society that thinks small penis shaming is fun and acceptable.
If I could afford therapy, I'd do it. I hope your partner can afford therapy to deprogram that belief.
You mentioned that you were being extra showy during sex. If you're faking it, he might be able to tell, and blaming his size for you not enjoying sex. If you find his penis unattractive, if you never said anything complimentary about it other than "*it's totally fine*" it might be affecting him.
Understand I'm not blaming you for anything. Or him. I assume you love each other and want to mak each other happy. But I know what it's like to be on the small side in a society that works extremely hard to convince you how inadequate you are if you're small, and always being told much women prefer bigger than average, and watching TV sitcoms and comedy movies where a small penis is always presented as shamefully and unmanly.
This is so very true. Phrases like "big dick energy" or "little dick syndrome" are downright horrible for the psyche of the averagely endowed man. It's the only type of body shaming that's considered socially acceptable today.
OP, don't lie to your guy and tell him he's huge. He knows better. He's also not particularly small either. So, make sure he knows that HIS dick makes you feel amazing. Tell him that you can feel him, or that you like when he throbs, or something else specific to your experience with him.
He needs therapy for society-driven insecurities, but in your home, he needs to believe that you want him for him, including what he has below his belt.
Honestly, 5 inches is a decent size. I really wouldn’t want any bigger than that. But it does seem annoying that he is fishing for compliments. However, if it is only once a year, maybe you should just accept it. It doesn’t seem like it’s over kill, just that he needs some occasional validation. Just like a woman will occasionally ask if her butt looks big in a dress.
Right but asking “am I the biggest you’ve ever had” every year? The answer’s not going to change. Stop asking. Maybe I have low tolerance, but I also find unaddressed insecurity annoying and would feel similarly to OP.
Read this and share it with him:
+ [**How Much Does Penis Size Matter?**](https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/penis-size.html)
It might do some good.
It really gripes me how much guys get tied in knots about this. The idea of the magic dick is everywhere, and it leads to so much bad sex because they think all they're supposed to do is stick it in and pound. If they only knew how little size matters compared with everything else!
All of my previous partners were longer than average. All of them thought they had magic dicks. I never had an orgasm, or even good sex, with *ANY* of them.
My husband is exactly average and he is my personal sex god. He's the only man I've EVER had an orgasm with, and I almost always have multiples with him. I adore his dick and I wouldn't want it changed in any way.
There really isn't any way to fix his insecurities over this. He might need professional help as you said it isn't just his dick size that bothers him. Fact is he is married and you have sex with him and you are happy with the dick size.....he isn't getting the hint unfortunately.
Someone else said "perfect fit" and I would gush over that vs anything else and then let it be.
I see his point of view. Just be open. I had an ex cheat on me and when I confronted her about it she said, "your dick is kind of average and you're too good to me. His is huge and he rails me like a whore." Little part of me died inside that day and it wasn't the girl deciding to cheat.
Took years to pack that away. Many instances of looking for validation during sex. Tried to keep it sexy like a breathy, "you like it when I do that?" comment. It's still there I'm just good at ignoring it after being married 8 years.
There's a slight chance that he is starting to sexualize it and has developed something of a hotpast kink (/r/hotpast). He's most likely just insecure, but I did want to mention it because many people that worry about dick size eventually move to sexualizing their partner's larger-penised lovers. If he goes in that direction (or if you nudge him there) it could turn into something of a fun kink for both of you instead of something that he is constantly anxious about and that actively turns you off.
Came here to say this, I’m about same size as OP husband and when my wife told me during a conversation that a previous partner was so big she could barely take it I felt very insecure (already had insecurities about penis size). But over time it’s actually changed to finding it hot picturing her taking a bigger dick. Could it be that he’s turned on by being smaller and wants to hear say “it’s not big enough? “
First, this might be something that he needs to go to therapy to deal with, but if the frequency he is asking is once a year at worst, that's hardly detrimental to his or your life. Many women are just as insecure about their boob sizes/shapes and like reassurance that their partner finds them attractive. Insecurity isn't sexy but no one is perfect, we all have flaws and we usually see our own more harshly than anyone else's.
Secondly, reassurance won't ever really help insecurity stop, as far as I've seen in my life. It'll help the worry at the time; but I'd bet money he assumes you're just appeasing him in the moment and lying to him to make him feel better. He knows you love him and that you don't want to hurt him; so it's a reasonable conclusion to come to on his part, I'd think. If you want to actually remove his insecurity, inflate his ego. Tell him how much you want his penis, how you feel like it was made just perfectly to fit inside you and fill you up and make you happy. An extra step would be to take ownership of his penis. Grab him in your hand, tell him something like: "this perfect/big/thick dick is mine, and I want/need/crave it inside me now" and just watch his confidence grow. If you want him confident, give him a reason to be confident. Don't just reassure him, show him you actually desire him, especially the parts of himself he is insecure about. If even doing that doesn't seem to do any good then I'd say he definitely needs therapy. Either that or he has something like a degradation kink and this is just the first outward manifestation of it, maybe?
It might not be your job to to fix his insecurities, but you can certainly try to help. Especially if you value him as a person, a husband, and a lover. It worked for me when I told me wife how insecure I'd been my entire life about having a belly that hangs over the edge of my pants. She'd told me before that she finds dad-bods attractive, but it never occurred to me that meant she actually liked my belly. I confessed to her at one point that it's the thing about my body I've always hated the most and that I'm very self-conscious about it. She reassured me that not only does it not bother her, but that she even finds my belly attractive. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that possibility and this happened last year! She's gone on to show me she finds it attractive by touching my belly in loving gestures, and telling me how comfy it is to lay on, and how perfectly we fit together as we lay together. It might not totally fix his insecurity, but if he knows that at least his partner (and probably the person who he values their opinion the most) likes/loves this about him, it'll go a long way to helping.
Thirdly, the other thing you can do is share your issues with him. Tell him how him being insecure makes you feel and how it's effecting your desire towards him. Also let him know that if he suddenly tries acting more confident that you're not going to notice and make fun of him or make jokes about it. Trying to change how you interact with someone that you're around all day everyday can be intimidating because you know that they know you're acting differently. Keep your communication open about how you feel and inquire about how he feels so he feels safe sharing. I'd bet based on your post here that he can tell you don't like him sharing his insecurities with you, and so he's probably reluctant to do so sensing it's a turn off for you. But being able to effectively communicate and share your feelings is kind of Relationships 101.
Sorry for the long rant, hopefully this helps some; at least at providing a point of view that might be closer to your husbands' so that you can understand him better.
edit: ultimately it's his issue to deal with, be it therapy or just a moment of clarity that dick size doesn't matter. She chose you with all of your faults, accept that and enjoy what you got. Confidence will make a 5 incher look like a monster. Own it and serve it up.
To be honest, your husband is as dumb as I was in my youth. Ive had the same insecurity and it doesn't get you anywhere. I'm about the same size and yes, I fully understand there's bigger penises out there. It is written that 5 inches is about average. I don't truly trust that figure, because I NEVER see a penis the same size. It's as if all owners of a small penis are hiding under a rock and that is exactly the source of the problem.
We're all told to never body shame someone. Women are called plus size, we can't judge anyone on their appearance, religion, whatever. But... men are still judged by their penis. Women talking about wanting a hung guy. That's not just porn, that's real life. I want a small penis, said no one ever... People write about it online, but no one would ever say that in public.
I too, was seriously damaged in my youth. Kids can be cruel. And I was cruel to myself too. I've asked about the penises my exes have had and they all, without exception said that their previous penises were all bigger. And that hurt. But you know what: they never meant to hurt me, I was the one asking the damn question and they were just being truthful. Later in life, I've been appreciating that.
I've been divorced several years now. Pretty tough at 53 yrs. Starting dating all over again. But you know what, I decided to say: fuck it. I'm not the best looking, I'm not the fittest, but I am a good lover. And I believe that. If you don't believe that, you're lost.
I have a lot to offer and I have had a lot of sex since my divorce and nobody ever commented on my size. To me it's not an issue anymore and women notice that about me. They don't care... Even better, they often prefer a smaller one. Handy for anal too.
So, my advice is not for you, it's for him. Stop comparing, start accepting that your size, it is what it is.
Not really good advice for you, but ultimately this is not for you to fix... This one is on him.
Make him read this. He can PM me. Whatever helps.
Best of luck!
You can't stop his insecurities. You can't out perform them.
>No matter what I tell him, it just keeps going back to that convo at least once every year.
Next time it comes up, or on the topic of his other insecurities, tell him it's on him. "You know what I think on these topics. I've told you over and over, and it hasn't made any difference. I need you to find a different outlet for them than seeking repeated reassurance from me. I'd recommend therapy as a start."
This reminds me of my ex even though I never cared about size (and I've never had issues/talked bad about him with his size) ..yet he would constantly ask about other guys I've been with it honestly drove me nuts because I never once put him down neither has his past partners.
And honestly ive noticed I've had the best sex with people were average or way below because they seemed to actually care about pleasing me back unlike others.
If you’ve had any insecurities and just wanted reassurance you can empathize. That’s all he needs. You can want it to be another way but a few words nice in a while is what it takes. You shouldn’t have to and you don’t but it’s just a human need for validation.
Ya gotta fuck with the cock God gave ya. That’s all there is to it. I’m not huge in length but fairly girthy and I’ve made my peace with it. I make up for any want of something larger with my enthusiasm and listening to my partner’s words, body language and other non verbal cues. Men make a way bigger issue over dick size than women from what I’ve heard and seen. The combination of my dick, hands, mouth, tongue, teeth added to my imagination and responsiveness to my partner has always left them satisfied.
For the OP, this is a tricky situation. You could tell him that his Prince Charming dick is the perfect fit for your Cinderella pussy. It’s the Goldilocks of dicks! There are many big dicked men that complain about it being too big - there a whole subreddit devoted to it.
My guess is there was something in the past that triggered the insecurity, though it could have just come about organically too. Being concerned with penis size is not unusual among men, especially with porn being so ubiquitous in modern culture and how the endowment of actors in said porn skews one's perceptions.
I was under the impression that I was averagely endowed (which it sounds like your husband is) for most of my adult life. Up until last year really. When shopping for condoms while waiting for a vasectomy, I found out I'm significantly above average in one dimension. I can't lie, as a guy, that was exciting to find out. Doesn't make it right or wrong, just how we tend to be wired. I never had the same kind of insecurity your husband seems to, but size can affect confidence for sure.
Have you asked him WHY he asks/wants to know? I think that may be a good starting place.
>Thing is, insecurity turns me off big time. I always feel like I have to be extra showy how much I enjoy sex because I dont want to hurt his feelings. I just want to enjoy. I just dont as much anymore. In fact, most often, i avoid it because of insecurity. Not just the dick size, but with his emotional insecurity too.
Here's an article about setting limits on chronic reassurance-seeking. I feel for you! Reassurance-seeking is so difficult to cope with.
https://www.ocdtypes.com/reassurance.php
Looks like he has this. Not just about dick size. But in general as an anxiety disorder. He's always trying to hid his insecuroties like the fact he is always jealous because he knows it's not good for us. But he says these thoughts are intrusive.
I’m not the biggest guy in the world, I’m entirely average in that department. I’m equally not “sensitive” about it because it’s not something I can control and has never seemed to be an issue.
One thing my wife does periodically during sex sometimes is a tiny bit of dirty talk where she’ll say something like:
“You’re so deep”
“That’s filling me up”
“You’re so hard”
That’s pretty solid for your confidence as a male without it being absurd and over the top.
If she was saying something like, “You’re so big I’m not going to be able to walk tomorrow” then that would probably not be great. LOL.
So subtle comments are appreciated.
Insecurities suck, both for the person and their partner. My gf has hers and I have mine; we both support them as much as we can but understand that we can't fix each others' issues. Mine were centered around performance. I used to be on either drugs and/ antidepressants and it ruined my ability to get hard, last very long, and even my desire for sex period. It took me a while before I figured the meds out and it got better, but not without a lot of embarrassing experiences. It's stuck with me since I fixed it 5 years ago.,
It sticks with you. Maybe he got made fun of a lot when he was younger? Like it became such a common thing he'd get made fun of (probably from other dudes) that he built it up in his head that nobody would be able to be ok with his size.
There's probably other insecurity issues contributing to it as well, like you said. I don't think 5 inches is even THAT small, so there's gotta be more to this.
And putting on a show during sex is probably making it worse. If he even has slight suspicions, then it'll be way worse. If he's worried about it, explore and learn more about positions that will work better so you don't have to fake it. A small dick doesn't have to mean performance issues, aside from maybe micropenises but that's different. Can't fix a small dick, but you can get better at using it than people with bigger ones. Experiment, learn, have fun.
But honestly, he probably needs therapy. Insecurity bleeds into a lot of areas of your life, and the main cause of it all might not even be his penis.
If your at the end of your rope with it tell him it’s a huge turn off & likely to damage an otherwise healthy sex life.. your tired of reassuring on repeat & to just smash you with it.
What's with the age difference (two and three years) of you and your husband between your 3 month old posts. Honestly the internet and reddit are so full of bull shitters.
You tell him you love his dick and you find his dick perfect, but that his insecurities about his dick are a turnoff that he needs to get therapy for as while his dick is perfect his insecurities are a turnoff.
You can’t fix it on your own, but maybe he needs therapy. Maybe sex therapy or general therapy, especially if it’s affecting your sex life. Maybe you both need therapy.
I used to be insecure about cumming too quickly, but having open conversations with my wife really helped me, personally. Shame increases when it’s something not really talked about, or glossed over.
The fact that you avoid sex because of it should be mentioned in an open conversation, but frame it like you really love him, and WANT to be close with him, and you love his size the way it is, but it feels like he won’t accept it or receive it and it makes it hard to be intimate. Express that you love him the way he is, and that sex is less about these physical traits and more about sharing intimate moments with a life long partner. You both need to treat it like a shared issue, it’s not just affecting him. You both now have intimacy issues and the root of it is his insecurity which probably is connected to him not trusting you or not being comfortable about something
Sounds like he has anxious attachment tendencies. I'd recommend reading about it and see if it applies to him. It may give you a deeper understanding of how he thinks/reacts.
As someone who suffers from this as well, and has done everything physically and financially possible to get bigger (which nothing really works), you aren’t going to say anything to change his mind. You’ve already been patient and reassuring. He can seek therapy for his own well being, and it may or may not help him. You need to have one more conversation…yes, he’s enough and you enjoy having sex with him. However, his incessant fixation on it and him asking or commenting on it with you has not become a huge turn off. Tell him his insecurity is the biggest turn off, whether he had a 3” dick or a 10” dick…it wouldn’t matter. Tell him to do what he needs to do to deal with his insecurities, but involving you anymore in the discussion is tiresome, off putting, and unattractive. If he wants to continue to have a great sex life that involves you, he needs to stop bringing it up, because you’ve said all you can to reassure him.
r/gettingbigger can act as a support group for this. Seems counterintuitive, but people over there are super helpful and never judgemental (unless the person is already huge and showing off). Just over 5 inches is actually average and they have tons of studies and charts to show that. You can't help him with his problem without causing your own. He has to make the effort to heal himself mentally. My wife's experience is with men well above average and it hasn't been an issue for us. We wouldn't be married if she wasn't happy with it. He just has to get over himself.
As a lesbian who has the entire gamut of dildo options available to me, I actively seek out six inches max and nothing girthy. The giant porn dildos are ridiculous! My Magic Wand plus an "average-sized" dilly is more than enough to give me mind-blowing Os.
Yeah, it's really a hard one for at lot of guys. The messaging from a lot of society (from all genders/orientations) is that your masculinity and value as a person is somehow tied to the size of your wang.
For example, someone having "Big Dick Energy" was a meme going around a while back.
It's not about mutual pleasure, it's about power and validity.
I think 5” is statistically average. Might want to shoot him some facts or data about duck size to let him know that those 12” monsters are like 1 in a million are in no way desired by any normal women. But in porn you see them constantly. Also, might want to pick up some sex toys that are approximately sized. Again most dildos are massively oversized. Pick up a few that are normal sized and hopefully he will connect the dots that that’s the size you are into.
You are on the right path to have conversations, but it’s important to talk about this while not in the mood as there’s no comfortable way to do that in the moment, and can cause emotions to run high.
You haven’t really talked much about what’s been tried so far, but if not much of an open conversation has happened - I’d recommend searching this sub for “State of the Union” and “Open Conversation”. [Here’s a great post from the latter on how to talk sex more with your partner and encourage more conversations](https://reddit.com/r/sexover30/s/kiMcxgufjx). I’d also google “how to approach a conversation about our sex life” to see how to sit them down and talk through things.
As you mentioned there’s childhood and insecurity issues, but what conversations have you had in a calm and trusting environment - outside the bedroom - to address how you can help him feel more confident and what he can do to help satisfy you more? If it hasn’t happened, I really recommend a “state of the union” / open conversation about how you deeply care and are satisfied with his length, and it’s most important how he uses it and not the size.
If he’s reluctant to talk, tell him how it’s making you feel - without sounding like his penis is the problem. Say things like “I want to help build your confidence”, “what is it that we can do to have a better sex life”, and “what’s important to you in the bedroom to feel more comfortable”.
If he’s really shut down and doesn’t want to talk, then I would look into sex therapists you can meet online or in person. Then approach him and say, “It would make me really happy if we could try sex therapy together. I think it will be beneficial for us to have open conversations about sex, but I can tell it makes you uncomfortable sometimes. When you try a new hobby or transition a job in life, we have to learn and adapt, and that usually comes from working with experts or reading about them. If you want to start with a book or some podcasts (“sex nerd Sandra” and “sex with Emily” are great), but if that doesn’t help with your confidence in a few months I would really like to try a therapist.”
If he’s still reluctant, tell him that “we need to do something. While I love you, and think your penis is perfect for me, I want you to grow your self confidence as it’s affecting our bedroom lives. Again, this has nothing to do with your penis and it’s perfect, but our sex life isn’t right now and we need to work on it.”
Insecurities are internal and no external validation will remove them. Help him find a professional and if he doesn't want a professional, there are good alternative therapy options like Somatic (might be the best since somatic is for body-related issues), art, mindfulness therapies that can reframe
choose your wording - saying “it’s fine” doesn’t convey a feeling of positivity, it’s more neutral…go with “it’s the perfect size” or “it’s great, works like a charm” or even “we’re married x years and i’ve never had a problem with it, besides you, i’m really the only one that would have a preference here”
You need to have a sit down with him starting with the dick size insecurity topic and go ALL the way upstream with him in his life back to where it began and why. Someone said something to him at young age and scarred him or something else. You need to get him to talk to you about it. His constant mentioning it is a cry for attention or help, and more than he needs more repetitive positive affirmation from you, he needs you to unpack this topic with him going back to the very beginning. He will have to be very vulnerable to you in this chat, so listen carefully and be sensitive to the things he says that sound like passing comments, because those are little "fly bys" that you need to latch on to when he throws them out and unpack them with him.
Yeah, but the average dick size is that size for a reason. It's the size that was most likely to reproduce and pass on their genes. So, one could reason that the average size is the most enjoyable for women, in general.
It's alright so long as it's done in moderation. If it's annoying af under ANY circumstances then that's just a case of you being emotionally unavailable.
This is a fair question. To a certain degree size is a matter of perspective. Does he satisfy you? Is it big enough?
Also it's not a matter of height or weight. I am 5 foot 6 and my wife (I have been with her for 16 years) swears I have the biggest cock she has ever seen). She has seen more than a few. We are honest about our hot past.
Fact is, can he get you off? I will not advance to penetration until she has came. I have a 100 percent success rate here. It does not matter how. I take it as a point of pride.
Have patience. This is the best advice I can give.
Hope that helps.
I once asked my wife if I'm the biggest she was with and she then asks my size. I tell her 8 and she quickly says he was 10 inches so she legit knew it was whatever I am plus 2 LMAOOOOO. Didn't bother me though and it's understandable why some guys would be hung up on stuff like that.
Tell him that he needs to work on his insecurities as you think it could harm the relationship down the road. If it's not 1 thing, it could become another. Insecurity will also lead to jealous behavior.
Fight it with science (see below).
Fact is, at a little over 5” he is solidly average. Odds are he’s average in a lot of ways…height, income, weight, SAT scores, etc.
EVERYone is average in some ways…above average in others…below in yet others.
Just so happens, in dick size he’s average.
Drop this knowledge & inform him if this doesn’t make him feel better, he needs therapy. But this is the ***LAST*** time you and he are having this conversation.
https://calcsd.netlify.com/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
maybe you can tell him that his dick is the same size as 80% of every other man on this planet, then tell him what you said in this post. If my wife said my insecurity is turning her off, I would NEVER bring it up again....lol
You can chevk out one of the apps/sites that show you how big he really is. I used the visualizer.net but it is no longer.
We got a silicone dildo that was my size. My wife stood over me with it and told me to get on my knees and look up at it (like i was going to give a bj). It was pretty intimidating ngl. It shook me out of "its smalk" thinking.
Five inches is the average size. Most men underestimate the size of their penis and feel it is too small. If your telling him that his penis size is fine and he doesn't accept that then he's not just insecure but has a lack of trust/belief in you.
You can't help him with his insecurities until he wants to be helped.
Next time he asks if he's the biggest you've been with, just tell him no, my previous BF was 8 inches and girthy. Just make him see how pointless he's being. It is stupid to stress over if you've been the biggest someone has been with. If he's over 5 inches, he is bigger than half the guys on this planet.
I’m not sure if this would help or hurt, but have you suggested something like a bathmate pump? It will give him a temporary increase in size and maybe that helps with the insecurity. Also, if he’s a little more than 5” he’s pretty average.
She should definitely not suggest this. Not only will it cause him to further spiral, but they barely work. This coming from a guy who’s used pumps a lot over the last few years. It’s one thing if he comes to that conclusion in his own, but if she even hints at it, it will reaffirm in his mind that he’s not big enough.
He needs to work on his attitude towards it. If you've been supportive, encouraging, and accepting of it and he still doesn't see it, then it's him. I don't know if he watches any spicy content, but if he does, I'd suggest stopping for a while because that can get in your head.
You can tell him he needs to stop involving you in his insecurity. Request zero mentions of it moving forward, and back it up with a consequence such as you leaving the room each time he brings it up.
Thankfully I don’t have to worry about this issue as I am in 99th percentile in girth and length.
My partner and I are very open, she is not overly sexual for opposite reasons. My overconfidence/size scares her/deters her as I am the pursuer and she is the withdrawer in terms of sex.
What she has done to re-assure me that it’s more her fears than mine is to JUST TALK ABOUT IT OPENLY. She has to be REALLY in the mood to take me in…. And she has a low libido. I am unfortunately not able to start and get her in the mood like others because I typically hurt her, and she is like your partner, often in her own head and her worries prevent the fun.
Direct communication is best. Let him know his diffidence is ruining your desires/willingness and the repetitive issues are becoming a drag on your overall affection/relationship.
Be honest with with; remind him that size in fact does not matter. The emotional connection/how he gets you off is better than anyone, even IF their cocks were bigger. IT DOESNT MATTER
I've been with men anywhere from a micropenis to "puts most porn actors to shame" gigantic. My husband's penis is a bit above average, and it's *perfect*. It feels amazing, and it doesn't hurt me. I would choose him over anyone else in the world. Bigger isn't better. Your husband is going to have to get over his own insecurities. You can't convince someone with logic and reason if the person didn't reach their position through logic and reason to begin with.
Bigger is better if you compare your husband to small.and average penis. You say bigger is not better because you are comparing it to porn star size.
It's easy to say bigger is not better just because 8 inches is not ideal. It's easy to say taller it's not better because most women don't prefer a 7 foot tall dude, but a 6 foot tall? It's a different story.
Why do you think 5 inchers get only "it's fine" as OP said? Because average is a minimum, and ideal dicks are a little bit above average.
Think differently and completely change your lives.
The subject of penetration is being focused upon far too much, as is the case with most couples.
You can have mind blowing experiences together from introducing tantric massage and tantric sex into your lives.
The skin craves touch. Slow and gentle stroking all over the body is incredibly erotic and is a great starting point. You can then mix it up with edging work/teasing, ( repeatedly masturbating each other to a point of high arousal but not to a point of no return). Then back to stroking/massaging.
Anticipation through touch is a massive turn on and when mastered it almost always makes the act of penetration, merely an option.
It’s just a case of you both using your imagination and trying different things. Be patient with each other. Shut the world away. Dim the lights or wear eye masks, (this will heighten your other senses including the sense of anticipation. Put on some relaxing eastern trance music or something else relaxing and learn to love and cherish each other, savour every second…
Talk about what you’d both like to do with each other for hours or days leading up to it. Build the anticipation.
After a few weeks his insecurities will be reduced significantly and further down the line, the subject may not even enter his head or he’ll feel ridiculous to even consider it an insecurity.
I’ve been practicing tantra for decades and using it in my therapy work for many years, so I can say all this with complete confidence.
please share with all of us when you learn how to get past the insecurity.
I'm just under 8” Long x 5” Circumference fully erect and still have size insecurities after years of being called pencil dick after being seen while swimming by a coworker
A possibility…. Your man might have Low T. Sounds like how I used to act and feel when my hormones were in the shitter.
The mental and emotional health improvements I experienced from hormone replacement therapy changed my life. Not to mention my libido and performance went through the roof. It gave me a stroke game I’ve never had before.
I think multiple truths can exist. I think bigger is usually better is true, if the guy has skills and is attentive.
Also, guys should learn that it's okay to be imperfect in that department.
Why are people able to accept that a certain amount of wealth is beneficial, but doesn't mean everything, and also keep going on living with some satisfaction?
In my opinion, penis size should be viewed like wealth. There can be too much of a good thing, and we can also learn to live with not having much of it, and still be happy.
You can't fix his insecurity. He needs to work on that. You're happy with him, you've told him you're happy with your sex life. He needs counseling with this. BTW, this is an example of how harmful the "only big dicks are good dicks" stereotype is.
For real. I had an ex with a micropenis (not trying to be mean, it was about the size of my pinky) and you know what? Some of the best sex I’ve had! Because he really cared about making me enjoy myself instead of just having this “my big dick is amazing!! It can do no wrong!!!” Kind of attitude
Thanks for sharing this. It's really nice to know even a man with a micropenis can give good sex. Society would have us believe it's a sexual death sentence. I don't know if people understand the psychological harm that's done to boys and men by constantly telling them how undesirable, inadequate and less of a man being smaller makes you.
Just out of curiosity, how did he make the sex good? I was with two different guys with actual micros and they couldn’t even stay in. In the end they just sort of smooshed against my vulva until they came. I couldn’t keep dating either one of them.
Are you only able to orgasm/enjoy yourself if there is a penis inside of you? I’m guessing not. Most women don’t even orgasm from PIV alone.
I’ve never cum from PIV. Doubt I ever will. Not sure your point. I still WANT to have PIV in my relationship. Many women do. Nothing a man does to me causes an orgasm. I do that part myself. I’m still allowed to enjoy and want actual penetration…. Are you saying he didn’t penetrate you? Ever?
Some women are so set on being egalitarian about penis size that they think nearly everyone shouldn't place as much value on penetration. I've known women that can't orgasm from penetration alone, but still love the sensation of a large penis or large toy. I don't agree with their perspective of being super egalitarian and hiding preferences. Size is not everything, for sure, but goodness they duck around other people's truths.
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I also have never orgasmed from PIV and pretty much won’t during sex at all unless I use a clitoral stimulating toy directly on my clit. My current boyfriend has managed it once with oral and fingering together, but has yet to happen again. This isn’t all that uncommon. Nothing wrong with my hormones or anything. I just don’t orgasm easily, and have never from PIV on its own.
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Unfortunately this is rare. I've had to bottom out numerous girlfriends and wives because they said their partner is too small. And they would always specifically want me fucking them as deep as possible every stroke. I'm pretty sure that particular need was because of a micro.
You know what toxic trait I see getting thrown around a lot? “big dick energy” If you’re someone that says this, then you’re adding to toxic masculinity and body dysmorphia in men. Just fyi.
I’m tiny and big ones have always hurt me so I stayed clear. With that being said I’ve recently (after childbirth) come to enjoy bigger ones (if he knows how to use his size). I indulge in darker tastes and had multiple men in one session, like I told one guy all sizes are welcomed they all hit differently and smaller ones can get away with a lot of big ones can’t.
Why and to whom is he comparing himself? Has he had someone tell him it wasn’t big enough? I don’t know. After years together, I would stop giving in to the constant need for validation and just say how you feel. “Look, I love you and I love every part of you. I think your cock is perfect. But the more you need me to tell you, the more it detracts from us having fun and enjoying each other. It’s having a negative effect on me.” It called *self*-esteem for a reason. You can only take him so far. He needs to do the work himself.
Yup, 100% this. It's exhausting to constantly need to reassure a partner on fundamental things and it becomes a turn off quickly.
Constantly reassuring is exhausting. But the op says they have this conversation at least once per _year_. I get that self esteem is his thing to work through. But reassuring someone annually is a far cry from ‘constantly.’
My partner has serious body insecurity issues, and occasionally will ask me if I still find her attractive or if I find parts of her body attractive. Finally, when she asked me the last time I asked "what would you tell me if I said I was worried my penis was too small?" And her response was "that would be a ridiculous question to ask... oh ..."
If its objectively large (or is to her) then yes it's a ridiculous question lol. However beauty is more of an opinion than a measurement. Now if its more a question of if I didn't like all of you including your penis I wouldn't be with you, then yes I agree. At some point you have to believe what your partner is saying or you'll tie yourself in knots.
sorry i was projecting a bit there lol
I agree on what you’ve said in your quotes 100% is the first best approach, but your latter comment (*“It called self-esteem for a reason. You can only take him so far. He needs to do the work himself.”*) **really** depends on what OP has tried already. If she has only done a little by saying “you’re fine”, “yes it is big”, “I don’t want to deal with this”, or never had an open discussion - there is a supportive model; which I believe OP is asking for how to approach here. Yes, he 100% needs to build and work on self confidence. Yes, he needs to take actions himself. However, marriage is a partnership and OP can help guide him in the right direction. It’s not clear if open conversations have happened, and if it hasn’t that’s a key piece to this puzzle. Couples who have “State of union” conversations around sex live a much better sex love, and posts on this sub often encourage couples to sit down weekly, biweekly, or monthly to talk about their sex life. That would be the best first step, and OP should address it in a way that will make their partner comfortable; like asking what they can do to make them feel more confident, and why it’s important to be the biggest she’s had. If they aren’t open about talking about sex, then a sex therapist would be a great step. If they’re not open to sex talk, then they need to get to regularly therapy to build general confidence and learn how to be comfortable in those conversations. Tangential to my notes, the whole comment of insecurity and “am I the biggest” could really stem from porn watching. Unless it’s sought out, there’s very very few videos with “small” guys.
Well, from the post, OP stated that she has felt that sex needed to be performative in order to reassure him. She said “I always feel like I have to be extra showy how much I enjoy sex.” This puts them both in an unhealthy and harmful dynamic. She needs to exaggerate a completely normal, fun, loving experience for his ego, which can’t be satisfied by her repeated reassurances. He robs her (and of course himself!) of an authentic experience by being caught up in the insecurity. So I stand by what I said. She has reassured him for years, it falls on deaf ears, and now has the unintended consequence of her not wanting intimacy with him.
Again it’s really about the extent of things and we don’t know what we don’t know. We have one side of the story which is very valid, but it’s not detailed on what has been tried beyond that She said that it comes up **once** a year as well, so it’s not a persistent thing, and that she has to exaggerate in the bedroom (which again she shouldn’t have to do). I never said it was healthy, and it does need addressed, but we don’t know if they’re talking with each other about their sex life at all. If it’s the once a year conversation about his size, then they need to talk about it. My only quarrel with your comment was the “you solve it” (more or less). You said it yourself “you can only take him so far”, but what has she done to help - we don’t know. Which she could have done, but it’s not detailed. Thus why I stated it’s important to just have an open conversation / “state of the union” around the bedroom. If you can’t be supportive and constructive in those conversations, and tell your partner “you solve it”. People that would simply say “you solve it and build your self-confidence” are not doing what they need to do in a relationship. They are equally the problem for not having an open conversation about how it makes them feel and how they can work together to resolve it. Marriage is never a one-way street. He should have taken some initiative by now, but we don’t know what she has done beyond what was stated and she was asking for how she can help - thus my comment on talking. Think about it from a different perspective - if you have a close friend that’s struggling mentally from childhood issues, is depressed and having self confidence issues, what do you say to them? Or would you be supportive and help them work through things? Now imagine that being a sibling or parent. A life partner is equally as important as those, which is why they need to talk. So my comment pertained to - I completely agree, less the you do it yourself, but they need to talk. Is that wrong?
We are responding to what we do know. She said it comes up *at least* once a year. You’re writing me novellas about why I am wrong and my feelings and opinion based on OP’s story are completely valid. And, so are yours.
lolz is he comparing with all the other dicks he's looked at
Speaking as a man, who when single I watch porn for entertainment. When I’m partnered I don’t watch porn much. I can see a direct correlation in my head when I’m solo and watching a lot of porn I get feelings of size insecurity, when I’m partnered and not watching porn I don’t. The reality that my partners are happy and not constantly having porn size expectations in my daily life make a huge difference. Maybe he is consuming media in one form or another that is clouding his expectations of himself?
Can I ask why you don’t watch porn when you are partnered?
Well, I don’t ‘never’ watch it but typically when I’m partnered I’m having sex often enough that my libido is satisfied and I don’t masterbate as often.
I hope this isn't TMI, but I remember one of the best compliments I ever got in that arena: I was dating this girl, and out of nowhere, she said something about how it was just the right size and it fit *perfectly* in her hand, her mouth, and her hoo-hah. That was *years* ago and I still remember it. I never struggled like your husband, but it gave me a lot of confidence.
This Or maybe take ownership? If he brings it up in mid sex, say something like “if I wanted a different dick, I would go get one, but I want you to fuck me with this dick now give me the dick I want.”
This! Just reading this comment made mine get a little bigger iykwim . Make a comment like this out of no where ("I was just thinking about how...")
Yeah, it was just like that. I walked a little taller that day.
From his perspective he needs to feel like he is normal. https://calcsd.info/ is a great site to get some perspective on his size. Learning to measure properly helps as well. For you, you need to communicate that you love him and his penis just as it is and don’t want it any different. Then let him know that his insecurities are affecting your arousal. He needs to actively be working on this and finding some peace about it. If he needs professional help to come to terms with being average, it’s his responsibility to seek it.
Idk if it’ll help any, but kind of goes along with what others have said above. I frequently say things to my bf along the lines of “your body was made for mine” etc while we’re having sex.
that's hot
I hate it when they make their penis insecurity your problem by making you lie to them about it just to keep the peace. I stopped answering those questions a long time ago and tell them I won’t. Instead I tell them sincerely what I like about it. If that’s not enough for them then we shouldn’t be together.
How should a partner deal with any body image issue? I think you validate his feelings, not his dick size. Tell him that you understand that he feels inadequate but he doesn't disappoint you. This isn't a trivial insecurity, give it the seriousness it deserves.
That’s tough. Sounds like he needs therapy. I would communicate your feelings to him. How he’s more than enough and how much you love him and his penis. Then tell him the only thing that bothers you is his lack of confidence, it’s literally they only negative.
I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time. From the male perspective, it's impossible to describe just how much we're programmed by society from a very young age that bigger is better when it comes to penis size. Deprograming myself from the belief is *THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO*. I know it'll be a lifelong struggling for me. Especially since we still live in a society that thinks small penis shaming is fun and acceptable. If I could afford therapy, I'd do it. I hope your partner can afford therapy to deprogram that belief. You mentioned that you were being extra showy during sex. If you're faking it, he might be able to tell, and blaming his size for you not enjoying sex. If you find his penis unattractive, if you never said anything complimentary about it other than "*it's totally fine*" it might be affecting him. Understand I'm not blaming you for anything. Or him. I assume you love each other and want to mak each other happy. But I know what it's like to be on the small side in a society that works extremely hard to convince you how inadequate you are if you're small, and always being told much women prefer bigger than average, and watching TV sitcoms and comedy movies where a small penis is always presented as shamefully and unmanly.
This is so very true. Phrases like "big dick energy" or "little dick syndrome" are downright horrible for the psyche of the averagely endowed man. It's the only type of body shaming that's considered socially acceptable today. OP, don't lie to your guy and tell him he's huge. He knows better. He's also not particularly small either. So, make sure he knows that HIS dick makes you feel amazing. Tell him that you can feel him, or that you like when he throbs, or something else specific to your experience with him. He needs therapy for society-driven insecurities, but in your home, he needs to believe that you want him for him, including what he has below his belt.
Honestly, 5 inches is a decent size. I really wouldn’t want any bigger than that. But it does seem annoying that he is fishing for compliments. However, if it is only once a year, maybe you should just accept it. It doesn’t seem like it’s over kill, just that he needs some occasional validation. Just like a woman will occasionally ask if her butt looks big in a dress.
Right but asking “am I the biggest you’ve ever had” every year? The answer’s not going to change. Stop asking. Maybe I have low tolerance, but I also find unaddressed insecurity annoying and would feel similarly to OP.
Read this and share it with him: + [**How Much Does Penis Size Matter?**](https://moderntantra.blogspot.com/p/penis-size.html) It might do some good. It really gripes me how much guys get tied in knots about this. The idea of the magic dick is everywhere, and it leads to so much bad sex because they think all they're supposed to do is stick it in and pound. If they only knew how little size matters compared with everything else! All of my previous partners were longer than average. All of them thought they had magic dicks. I never had an orgasm, or even good sex, with *ANY* of them. My husband is exactly average and he is my personal sex god. He's the only man I've EVER had an orgasm with, and I almost always have multiples with him. I adore his dick and I wouldn't want it changed in any way.
You can't fix someone else's insecurities. You can be kind and loving and understand their fears, but they have to fix it themselves.
There really isn't any way to fix his insecurities over this. He might need professional help as you said it isn't just his dick size that bothers him. Fact is he is married and you have sex with him and you are happy with the dick size.....he isn't getting the hint unfortunately. Someone else said "perfect fit" and I would gush over that vs anything else and then let it be.
I see his point of view. Just be open. I had an ex cheat on me and when I confronted her about it she said, "your dick is kind of average and you're too good to me. His is huge and he rails me like a whore." Little part of me died inside that day and it wasn't the girl deciding to cheat. Took years to pack that away. Many instances of looking for validation during sex. Tried to keep it sexy like a breathy, "you like it when I do that?" comment. It's still there I'm just good at ignoring it after being married 8 years.
There's a slight chance that he is starting to sexualize it and has developed something of a hotpast kink (/r/hotpast). He's most likely just insecure, but I did want to mention it because many people that worry about dick size eventually move to sexualizing their partner's larger-penised lovers. If he goes in that direction (or if you nudge him there) it could turn into something of a fun kink for both of you instead of something that he is constantly anxious about and that actively turns you off.
Came here to say this, I’m about same size as OP husband and when my wife told me during a conversation that a previous partner was so big she could barely take it I felt very insecure (already had insecurities about penis size). But over time it’s actually changed to finding it hot picturing her taking a bigger dick. Could it be that he’s turned on by being smaller and wants to hear say “it’s not big enough? “
Maybe so. It's tough to tell. Lots of guys do venture there.
First, this might be something that he needs to go to therapy to deal with, but if the frequency he is asking is once a year at worst, that's hardly detrimental to his or your life. Many women are just as insecure about their boob sizes/shapes and like reassurance that their partner finds them attractive. Insecurity isn't sexy but no one is perfect, we all have flaws and we usually see our own more harshly than anyone else's. Secondly, reassurance won't ever really help insecurity stop, as far as I've seen in my life. It'll help the worry at the time; but I'd bet money he assumes you're just appeasing him in the moment and lying to him to make him feel better. He knows you love him and that you don't want to hurt him; so it's a reasonable conclusion to come to on his part, I'd think. If you want to actually remove his insecurity, inflate his ego. Tell him how much you want his penis, how you feel like it was made just perfectly to fit inside you and fill you up and make you happy. An extra step would be to take ownership of his penis. Grab him in your hand, tell him something like: "this perfect/big/thick dick is mine, and I want/need/crave it inside me now" and just watch his confidence grow. If you want him confident, give him a reason to be confident. Don't just reassure him, show him you actually desire him, especially the parts of himself he is insecure about. If even doing that doesn't seem to do any good then I'd say he definitely needs therapy. Either that or he has something like a degradation kink and this is just the first outward manifestation of it, maybe? It might not be your job to to fix his insecurities, but you can certainly try to help. Especially if you value him as a person, a husband, and a lover. It worked for me when I told me wife how insecure I'd been my entire life about having a belly that hangs over the edge of my pants. She'd told me before that she finds dad-bods attractive, but it never occurred to me that meant she actually liked my belly. I confessed to her at one point that it's the thing about my body I've always hated the most and that I'm very self-conscious about it. She reassured me that not only does it not bother her, but that she even finds my belly attractive. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that possibility and this happened last year! She's gone on to show me she finds it attractive by touching my belly in loving gestures, and telling me how comfy it is to lay on, and how perfectly we fit together as we lay together. It might not totally fix his insecurity, but if he knows that at least his partner (and probably the person who he values their opinion the most) likes/loves this about him, it'll go a long way to helping. Thirdly, the other thing you can do is share your issues with him. Tell him how him being insecure makes you feel and how it's effecting your desire towards him. Also let him know that if he suddenly tries acting more confident that you're not going to notice and make fun of him or make jokes about it. Trying to change how you interact with someone that you're around all day everyday can be intimidating because you know that they know you're acting differently. Keep your communication open about how you feel and inquire about how he feels so he feels safe sharing. I'd bet based on your post here that he can tell you don't like him sharing his insecurities with you, and so he's probably reluctant to do so sensing it's a turn off for you. But being able to effectively communicate and share your feelings is kind of Relationships 101. Sorry for the long rant, hopefully this helps some; at least at providing a point of view that might be closer to your husbands' so that you can understand him better. edit: ultimately it's his issue to deal with, be it therapy or just a moment of clarity that dick size doesn't matter. She chose you with all of your faults, accept that and enjoy what you got. Confidence will make a 5 incher look like a monster. Own it and serve it up.
This is gold. Well done.
Thanks!
It's because with a 5 inch penis women say they are just "fine", whereas when the penis is 6-7 inches, they think it's ideal.
To be honest, your husband is as dumb as I was in my youth. Ive had the same insecurity and it doesn't get you anywhere. I'm about the same size and yes, I fully understand there's bigger penises out there. It is written that 5 inches is about average. I don't truly trust that figure, because I NEVER see a penis the same size. It's as if all owners of a small penis are hiding under a rock and that is exactly the source of the problem. We're all told to never body shame someone. Women are called plus size, we can't judge anyone on their appearance, religion, whatever. But... men are still judged by their penis. Women talking about wanting a hung guy. That's not just porn, that's real life. I want a small penis, said no one ever... People write about it online, but no one would ever say that in public. I too, was seriously damaged in my youth. Kids can be cruel. And I was cruel to myself too. I've asked about the penises my exes have had and they all, without exception said that their previous penises were all bigger. And that hurt. But you know what: they never meant to hurt me, I was the one asking the damn question and they were just being truthful. Later in life, I've been appreciating that. I've been divorced several years now. Pretty tough at 53 yrs. Starting dating all over again. But you know what, I decided to say: fuck it. I'm not the best looking, I'm not the fittest, but I am a good lover. And I believe that. If you don't believe that, you're lost. I have a lot to offer and I have had a lot of sex since my divorce and nobody ever commented on my size. To me it's not an issue anymore and women notice that about me. They don't care... Even better, they often prefer a smaller one. Handy for anal too. So, my advice is not for you, it's for him. Stop comparing, start accepting that your size, it is what it is. Not really good advice for you, but ultimately this is not for you to fix... This one is on him. Make him read this. He can PM me. Whatever helps. Best of luck!
You can't stop his insecurities. You can't out perform them. >No matter what I tell him, it just keeps going back to that convo at least once every year. Next time it comes up, or on the topic of his other insecurities, tell him it's on him. "You know what I think on these topics. I've told you over and over, and it hasn't made any difference. I need you to find a different outlet for them than seeking repeated reassurance from me. I'd recommend therapy as a start."
This. A hundred times this.
Super advice.
"I took vows in front of God and everybody that I would spend eternity with you. Obviously, I like your dick. Stop asking."
This reminds me of my ex even though I never cared about size (and I've never had issues/talked bad about him with his size) ..yet he would constantly ask about other guys I've been with it honestly drove me nuts because I never once put him down neither has his past partners. And honestly ive noticed I've had the best sex with people were average or way below because they seemed to actually care about pleasing me back unlike others.
If you’ve had any insecurities and just wanted reassurance you can empathize. That’s all he needs. You can want it to be another way but a few words nice in a while is what it takes. You shouldn’t have to and you don’t but it’s just a human need for validation.
5 to 5.5 inches is the average penis. He needs to chill out and educate himself
"You can wish for a bigger dick or fuck with the one you got, and I prefer fucking to wishing" This broke the spell for me.
Ya gotta fuck with the cock God gave ya. That’s all there is to it. I’m not huge in length but fairly girthy and I’ve made my peace with it. I make up for any want of something larger with my enthusiasm and listening to my partner’s words, body language and other non verbal cues. Men make a way bigger issue over dick size than women from what I’ve heard and seen. The combination of my dick, hands, mouth, tongue, teeth added to my imagination and responsiveness to my partner has always left them satisfied. For the OP, this is a tricky situation. You could tell him that his Prince Charming dick is the perfect fit for your Cinderella pussy. It’s the Goldilocks of dicks! There are many big dicked men that complain about it being too big - there a whole subreddit devoted to it.
My guess is there was something in the past that triggered the insecurity, though it could have just come about organically too. Being concerned with penis size is not unusual among men, especially with porn being so ubiquitous in modern culture and how the endowment of actors in said porn skews one's perceptions. I was under the impression that I was averagely endowed (which it sounds like your husband is) for most of my adult life. Up until last year really. When shopping for condoms while waiting for a vasectomy, I found out I'm significantly above average in one dimension. I can't lie, as a guy, that was exciting to find out. Doesn't make it right or wrong, just how we tend to be wired. I never had the same kind of insecurity your husband seems to, but size can affect confidence for sure. Have you asked him WHY he asks/wants to know? I think that may be a good starting place.
>Thing is, insecurity turns me off big time. I always feel like I have to be extra showy how much I enjoy sex because I dont want to hurt his feelings. I just want to enjoy. I just dont as much anymore. In fact, most often, i avoid it because of insecurity. Not just the dick size, but with his emotional insecurity too. Here's an article about setting limits on chronic reassurance-seeking. I feel for you! Reassurance-seeking is so difficult to cope with. https://www.ocdtypes.com/reassurance.php
Looks like he has this. Not just about dick size. But in general as an anxiety disorder. He's always trying to hid his insecuroties like the fact he is always jealous because he knows it's not good for us. But he says these thoughts are intrusive.
I’m not the biggest guy in the world, I’m entirely average in that department. I’m equally not “sensitive” about it because it’s not something I can control and has never seemed to be an issue. One thing my wife does periodically during sex sometimes is a tiny bit of dirty talk where she’ll say something like: “You’re so deep” “That’s filling me up” “You’re so hard” That’s pretty solid for your confidence as a male without it being absurd and over the top. If she was saying something like, “You’re so big I’m not going to be able to walk tomorrow” then that would probably not be great. LOL. So subtle comments are appreciated.
Men are conditioned to believe their dicks and what they can accomplish with them are paramount
Is this a kink of his? I’ve been with guys who got off hearing about their penis and how awesome it is. I don’t quite understand it but it is a thing
Insecurities suck, both for the person and their partner. My gf has hers and I have mine; we both support them as much as we can but understand that we can't fix each others' issues. Mine were centered around performance. I used to be on either drugs and/ antidepressants and it ruined my ability to get hard, last very long, and even my desire for sex period. It took me a while before I figured the meds out and it got better, but not without a lot of embarrassing experiences. It's stuck with me since I fixed it 5 years ago., It sticks with you. Maybe he got made fun of a lot when he was younger? Like it became such a common thing he'd get made fun of (probably from other dudes) that he built it up in his head that nobody would be able to be ok with his size. There's probably other insecurity issues contributing to it as well, like you said. I don't think 5 inches is even THAT small, so there's gotta be more to this. And putting on a show during sex is probably making it worse. If he even has slight suspicions, then it'll be way worse. If he's worried about it, explore and learn more about positions that will work better so you don't have to fake it. A small dick doesn't have to mean performance issues, aside from maybe micropenises but that's different. Can't fix a small dick, but you can get better at using it than people with bigger ones. Experiment, learn, have fun. But honestly, he probably needs therapy. Insecurity bleeds into a lot of areas of your life, and the main cause of it all might not even be his penis.
If your at the end of your rope with it tell him it’s a huge turn off & likely to damage an otherwise healthy sex life.. your tired of reassuring on repeat & to just smash you with it.
Look for a sex therapist if you want to stay in the marriage
Get a penissleeve?
What's with the age difference (two and three years) of you and your husband between your 3 month old posts. Honestly the internet and reddit are so full of bull shitters.
You tell him you love his dick and you find his dick perfect, but that his insecurities about his dick are a turnoff that he needs to get therapy for as while his dick is perfect his insecurities are a turnoff.
You can’t fix it on your own, but maybe he needs therapy. Maybe sex therapy or general therapy, especially if it’s affecting your sex life. Maybe you both need therapy. I used to be insecure about cumming too quickly, but having open conversations with my wife really helped me, personally. Shame increases when it’s something not really talked about, or glossed over. The fact that you avoid sex because of it should be mentioned in an open conversation, but frame it like you really love him, and WANT to be close with him, and you love his size the way it is, but it feels like he won’t accept it or receive it and it makes it hard to be intimate. Express that you love him the way he is, and that sex is less about these physical traits and more about sharing intimate moments with a life long partner. You both need to treat it like a shared issue, it’s not just affecting him. You both now have intimacy issues and the root of it is his insecurity which probably is connected to him not trusting you or not being comfortable about something
Sounds like he has anxious attachment tendencies. I'd recommend reading about it and see if it applies to him. It may give you a deeper understanding of how he thinks/reacts.
As someone who suffers from this as well, and has done everything physically and financially possible to get bigger (which nothing really works), you aren’t going to say anything to change his mind. You’ve already been patient and reassuring. He can seek therapy for his own well being, and it may or may not help him. You need to have one more conversation…yes, he’s enough and you enjoy having sex with him. However, his incessant fixation on it and him asking or commenting on it with you has not become a huge turn off. Tell him his insecurity is the biggest turn off, whether he had a 3” dick or a 10” dick…it wouldn’t matter. Tell him to do what he needs to do to deal with his insecurities, but involving you anymore in the discussion is tiresome, off putting, and unattractive. If he wants to continue to have a great sex life that involves you, he needs to stop bringing it up, because you’ve said all you can to reassure him.
Tell him not every man loves huge boobs, right?
That's for sure....
r/gettingbigger can act as a support group for this. Seems counterintuitive, but people over there are super helpful and never judgemental (unless the person is already huge and showing off). Just over 5 inches is actually average and they have tons of studies and charts to show that. You can't help him with his problem without causing your own. He has to make the effort to heal himself mentally. My wife's experience is with men well above average and it hasn't been an issue for us. We wouldn't be married if she wasn't happy with it. He just has to get over himself.
Reassuring someone once a year isn't really that big of an ask.
Toxic masculinity at work right there. One thing you can tell him is that they make dildos in a wide variety of sizes.
As a lesbian who has the entire gamut of dildo options available to me, I actively seek out six inches max and nothing girthy. The giant porn dildos are ridiculous! My Magic Wand plus an "average-sized" dilly is more than enough to give me mind-blowing Os.
Yeah, it's really a hard one for at lot of guys. The messaging from a lot of society (from all genders/orientations) is that your masculinity and value as a person is somehow tied to the size of your wang. For example, someone having "Big Dick Energy" was a meme going around a while back. It's not about mutual pleasure, it's about power and validity.
and the fact that the best selling ones are 5-6 inches insertable length
Try pumping his tires? Why not let him know he rocks your world and why? Wouldn’t that help?
> Try pumping his tires? umm wut??
It means to blow a little smoke up his ass
that sounds like fun :)
I think 5” is statistically average. Might want to shoot him some facts or data about duck size to let him know that those 12” monsters are like 1 in a million are in no way desired by any normal women. But in porn you see them constantly. Also, might want to pick up some sex toys that are approximately sized. Again most dildos are massively oversized. Pick up a few that are normal sized and hopefully he will connect the dots that that’s the size you are into.
Hm, with dildos is how we often see our partner really enjoy larger, a lot! I'm totally fine with that too. I moved into acceptance many years ago.
You are on the right path to have conversations, but it’s important to talk about this while not in the mood as there’s no comfortable way to do that in the moment, and can cause emotions to run high. You haven’t really talked much about what’s been tried so far, but if not much of an open conversation has happened - I’d recommend searching this sub for “State of the Union” and “Open Conversation”. [Here’s a great post from the latter on how to talk sex more with your partner and encourage more conversations](https://reddit.com/r/sexover30/s/kiMcxgufjx). I’d also google “how to approach a conversation about our sex life” to see how to sit them down and talk through things. As you mentioned there’s childhood and insecurity issues, but what conversations have you had in a calm and trusting environment - outside the bedroom - to address how you can help him feel more confident and what he can do to help satisfy you more? If it hasn’t happened, I really recommend a “state of the union” / open conversation about how you deeply care and are satisfied with his length, and it’s most important how he uses it and not the size. If he’s reluctant to talk, tell him how it’s making you feel - without sounding like his penis is the problem. Say things like “I want to help build your confidence”, “what is it that we can do to have a better sex life”, and “what’s important to you in the bedroom to feel more comfortable”. If he’s really shut down and doesn’t want to talk, then I would look into sex therapists you can meet online or in person. Then approach him and say, “It would make me really happy if we could try sex therapy together. I think it will be beneficial for us to have open conversations about sex, but I can tell it makes you uncomfortable sometimes. When you try a new hobby or transition a job in life, we have to learn and adapt, and that usually comes from working with experts or reading about them. If you want to start with a book or some podcasts (“sex nerd Sandra” and “sex with Emily” are great), but if that doesn’t help with your confidence in a few months I would really like to try a therapist.” If he’s still reluctant, tell him that “we need to do something. While I love you, and think your penis is perfect for me, I want you to grow your self confidence as it’s affecting our bedroom lives. Again, this has nothing to do with your penis and it’s perfect, but our sex life isn’t right now and we need to work on it.”
He should go see a certified sex therapist.
Insecurities are internal and no external validation will remove them. Help him find a professional and if he doesn't want a professional, there are good alternative therapy options like Somatic (might be the best since somatic is for body-related issues), art, mindfulness therapies that can reframe
choose your wording - saying “it’s fine” doesn’t convey a feeling of positivity, it’s more neutral…go with “it’s the perfect size” or “it’s great, works like a charm” or even “we’re married x years and i’ve never had a problem with it, besides you, i’m really the only one that would have a preference here”
You need to have a sit down with him starting with the dick size insecurity topic and go ALL the way upstream with him in his life back to where it began and why. Someone said something to him at young age and scarred him or something else. You need to get him to talk to you about it. His constant mentioning it is a cry for attention or help, and more than he needs more repetitive positive affirmation from you, he needs you to unpack this topic with him going back to the very beginning. He will have to be very vulnerable to you in this chat, so listen carefully and be sensitive to the things he says that sound like passing comments, because those are little "fly bys" that you need to latch on to when he throws them out and unpack them with him.
Sounds like he needs therapy
Lol, why do guys ask questions they don't want the answer to
Who wants to be average? Nobody I know
Yeah, but the average dick size is that size for a reason. It's the size that was most likely to reproduce and pass on their genes. So, one could reason that the average size is the most enjoyable for women, in general.
Imagine if this convo was the other way around.. how much the man would be required to support her.. lol
Reassurance seeking is annoying as fuck regardless of the gender of person who is doing it.
It's alright so long as it's done in moderation. If it's annoying af under ANY circumstances then that's just a case of you being emotionally unavailable.
Jup. Men would pbb get the blame for her insecurity.
This is a fair question. To a certain degree size is a matter of perspective. Does he satisfy you? Is it big enough? Also it's not a matter of height or weight. I am 5 foot 6 and my wife (I have been with her for 16 years) swears I have the biggest cock she has ever seen). She has seen more than a few. We are honest about our hot past. Fact is, can he get you off? I will not advance to penetration until she has came. I have a 100 percent success rate here. It does not matter how. I take it as a point of pride. Have patience. This is the best advice I can give. Hope that helps.
I once asked my wife if I'm the biggest she was with and she then asks my size. I tell her 8 and she quickly says he was 10 inches so she legit knew it was whatever I am plus 2 LMAOOOOO. Didn't bother me though and it's understandable why some guys would be hung up on stuff like that. Tell him that he needs to work on his insecurities as you think it could harm the relationship down the road. If it's not 1 thing, it could become another. Insecurity will also lead to jealous behavior.
Fight it with science (see below). Fact is, at a little over 5” he is solidly average. Odds are he’s average in a lot of ways…height, income, weight, SAT scores, etc. EVERYone is average in some ways…above average in others…below in yet others. Just so happens, in dick size he’s average. Drop this knowledge & inform him if this doesn’t make him feel better, he needs therapy. But this is the ***LAST*** time you and he are having this conversation. https://calcsd.netlify.com/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
maybe you can tell him that his dick is the same size as 80% of every other man on this planet, then tell him what you said in this post. If my wife said my insecurity is turning her off, I would NEVER bring it up again....lol
You can chevk out one of the apps/sites that show you how big he really is. I used the visualizer.net but it is no longer. We got a silicone dildo that was my size. My wife stood over me with it and told me to get on my knees and look up at it (like i was going to give a bj). It was pretty intimidating ngl. It shook me out of "its smalk" thinking.
Five inches is the average size. Most men underestimate the size of their penis and feel it is too small. If your telling him that his penis size is fine and he doesn't accept that then he's not just insecure but has a lack of trust/belief in you. You can't help him with his insecurities until he wants to be helped.
Next time he asks if he's the biggest you've been with, just tell him no, my previous BF was 8 inches and girthy. Just make him see how pointless he's being. It is stupid to stress over if you've been the biggest someone has been with. If he's over 5 inches, he is bigger than half the guys on this planet.
I’m not sure if this would help or hurt, but have you suggested something like a bathmate pump? It will give him a temporary increase in size and maybe that helps with the insecurity. Also, if he’s a little more than 5” he’s pretty average.
She should definitely not suggest this. Not only will it cause him to further spiral, but they barely work. This coming from a guy who’s used pumps a lot over the last few years. It’s one thing if he comes to that conclusion in his own, but if she even hints at it, it will reaffirm in his mind that he’s not big enough.
He needs to work on his attitude towards it. If you've been supportive, encouraging, and accepting of it and he still doesn't see it, then it's him. I don't know if he watches any spicy content, but if he does, I'd suggest stopping for a while because that can get in your head.
He's a lost cause. I'm sorry. There's nothing you can do about his problem.
He probably used to have a porn addiction, no? He needs to go to therapy.
You can tell him he needs to stop involving you in his insecurity. Request zero mentions of it moving forward, and back it up with a consequence such as you leaving the room each time he brings it up.
Thankfully I don’t have to worry about this issue as I am in 99th percentile in girth and length. My partner and I are very open, she is not overly sexual for opposite reasons. My overconfidence/size scares her/deters her as I am the pursuer and she is the withdrawer in terms of sex. What she has done to re-assure me that it’s more her fears than mine is to JUST TALK ABOUT IT OPENLY. She has to be REALLY in the mood to take me in…. And she has a low libido. I am unfortunately not able to start and get her in the mood like others because I typically hurt her, and she is like your partner, often in her own head and her worries prevent the fun. Direct communication is best. Let him know his diffidence is ruining your desires/willingness and the repetitive issues are becoming a drag on your overall affection/relationship. Be honest with with; remind him that size in fact does not matter. The emotional connection/how he gets you off is better than anyone, even IF their cocks were bigger. IT DOESNT MATTER
tell him you dont care and to embrace the size. im only 5.7 inches and ive never had an issue in bed
I've been with men anywhere from a micropenis to "puts most porn actors to shame" gigantic. My husband's penis is a bit above average, and it's *perfect*. It feels amazing, and it doesn't hurt me. I would choose him over anyone else in the world. Bigger isn't better. Your husband is going to have to get over his own insecurities. You can't convince someone with logic and reason if the person didn't reach their position through logic and reason to begin with.
Bigger is better if you compare your husband to small.and average penis. You say bigger is not better because you are comparing it to porn star size. It's easy to say bigger is not better just because 8 inches is not ideal. It's easy to say taller it's not better because most women don't prefer a 7 foot tall dude, but a 6 foot tall? It's a different story. Why do you think 5 inchers get only "it's fine" as OP said? Because average is a minimum, and ideal dicks are a little bit above average.
Think differently and completely change your lives. The subject of penetration is being focused upon far too much, as is the case with most couples. You can have mind blowing experiences together from introducing tantric massage and tantric sex into your lives. The skin craves touch. Slow and gentle stroking all over the body is incredibly erotic and is a great starting point. You can then mix it up with edging work/teasing, ( repeatedly masturbating each other to a point of high arousal but not to a point of no return). Then back to stroking/massaging. Anticipation through touch is a massive turn on and when mastered it almost always makes the act of penetration, merely an option. It’s just a case of you both using your imagination and trying different things. Be patient with each other. Shut the world away. Dim the lights or wear eye masks, (this will heighten your other senses including the sense of anticipation. Put on some relaxing eastern trance music or something else relaxing and learn to love and cherish each other, savour every second… Talk about what you’d both like to do with each other for hours or days leading up to it. Build the anticipation. After a few weeks his insecurities will be reduced significantly and further down the line, the subject may not even enter his head or he’ll feel ridiculous to even consider it an insecurity. I’ve been practicing tantra for decades and using it in my therapy work for many years, so I can say all this with complete confidence.
please share with all of us when you learn how to get past the insecurity. I'm just under 8” Long x 5” Circumference fully erect and still have size insecurities after years of being called pencil dick after being seen while swimming by a coworker
Dude let it go....easier said than done but that is an enormous penis. Like top 1%
Yes, that is literally like top 1% in length, and a hair above the exact average girth.
A possibility…. Your man might have Low T. Sounds like how I used to act and feel when my hormones were in the shitter. The mental and emotional health improvements I experienced from hormone replacement therapy changed my life. Not to mention my libido and performance went through the roof. It gave me a stroke game I’ve never had before.
I think multiple truths can exist. I think bigger is usually better is true, if the guy has skills and is attentive. Also, guys should learn that it's okay to be imperfect in that department. Why are people able to accept that a certain amount of wealth is beneficial, but doesn't mean everything, and also keep going on living with some satisfaction? In my opinion, penis size should be viewed like wealth. There can be too much of a good thing, and we can also learn to live with not having much of it, and still be happy.
You should tell him his insecurity is a turn off. That should shock him into shutting up at least. Everything else is work he needs to do.