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A former coworkers dad passed and apparently there was a bunch of black suit Italians that showed up at the funeral and told my friend that he just needed to call the number on this card if he ever needed anything.
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People in the past used to ensure that their bodies or bodies of loved ones were drained of blood before they were buried because they would rather be accidentally killed when everyone thought they were dead anyways than wake up buried to die a slow, agonizing death.
When they would exhume the bodies, they kept finding coffins with scratch marks. People who were buried alive tried in vain to escape.
It was fairly common that graves were outfitted with bells connected to the coffin so if someone gets buried alive, they can ring the bell and call for help
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safety_coffin
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Bonus aura if one of them is within earshot of a family member and says "The decoy is deployed. Move subject Bravo to the extraction point" into their little ear mic thing
I'll take a couple of those, with the earpieces and sunglasses and stuff.
And a few tall, overweight biker types in their vests, sobbing.
And maybe a gaggle of nuns in their habits and such, weeping and praying the rosary.
Oh, and if I could swing it, maybe like Jack Black shows up and just acts so wildly distraught that he can't bring himself to explain how he knows me.
Maybe I should be setting aside a funeral fund, right now. I'm a very boring person. This is going to be expensive.
I'll need a funeral pyre, one professional stuntwoman to throw herself on it, a blacked out bulletproof Escalade, four men in Armani suits with earpieces, sunglasses, military haircuts and handguns, an elderly Italian gentleman with a black umbrella, a biker gang, a New Orleans jazz marching band, the dancing pallbearers from the meme, a recorded video eulogy from Bill Murray, a 21 gun salute, two women from New Jersey willing to start a fistfight with each other, an exact body double who can spend three days in a coffin, 100 white doves, the Blue Angels, and at least a double amputee in a wheelchair wearing khakis and an American flag bandana who only says "it should've been me"
The four people I know will be very impressed
not only 1 tho… but like 100 people in 25 blacked out cars, tinted windows, all playing California Gurls at random intervals on repeat. then abruptly leave when someone approaches one of them
One is the main guy, older and grey hair.. the others could be bigger and are always checking the surrounding
Maybe 3 cars, and the main guy is in the middle one
Just depends on what you wanna spend really 😂
I demand they all come in traditional clothing and have the very obviously anointed village elder proclaim that I saved their village from despair and fought off the conquerors before saying a traditional prayer and sprinkling mysterious dust on my casket
I WANT 8 GUYS IN BLACK SUITS AND SUN GLASSES COME TO MY FUNERAL AND STAND THERE SILENT. AND SOME OTHER GUYS IN SUITS AND WITH SUNGLASSES TO WATCH THEM WITH BINOCULARS
When everything’s over before they burry the coffin, have one of them walk up and throw a stack of fake $100 bills on the coffin before signaling to the scoop to fill it up. After that, everyone drives away.
I gotta talk to my friends now…
Or.. i just play audio of myself banging and screaming while the dirt gets thrown on the coffin. And the sound just get‘s more muffled after time passes
Gonna be tough deciding between that guy vs the Taiwanese funeral strippers.
https://qz.com/880552/the-hottest-funeral-of-the-year-featured-50-pole-dancers-and-giant-puppets
Common tradition in China, Taiwan, and other cultures influenced by the Chinese, too. They hire "crying ladies" (or crying men lmao). More people crying on your funeral makes you look like a great person, which influences the deity's judgment haha.
Man my funeral about to be lit, Imma hire this guy, some random dudes in black suits, exotic dancers, male strippers, that one reptile guy that went to birthday parties when we were all 9, some transformers and a fuck ton of cosplayers to all show up. it's gonna be mayhem
Professional mourners, or moirologists, can be found in [many cultures across the world.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_mourning#) It's an industry that goes all the way back to antiquity.
Don't need u but need someone to cradle me in their arms for 2 hours while they tell me I'm enough, but need the rate to be reasonable as I don't make barely enough to put food on me mother's table
Funny thing is this was an actual job in some arabic cultures but it was reserved for women, they were called "the counters" as they count the good deeds of the dead person and act like a cheer leader but to provoke crying and tears.
I am willing to provide a service where I dress in a all black dress and stand under a tree in the distance while a friend in a suit walks up to me, talks for a while, then one of us leaves while the other continues to stare on
Do places still allow graveside funerals? I've been to a lot of funerals and I've never once had the opportunity to go to the actual hole they were going to put the casket in.
It's up to the family/religion how they want to do it. I went to a funeral this year that included a graveside service, with the priest sprinkling ashes, etc. However, the casket wasn't actually lowered into the ground until after we left. It was just sitting on a temporary structure over the hole.
In my country, theres a culture where this happens unironically. The mourning family hires professional mourners who mourn for about 2 weeks every morning and I think on the day of the burial as well. Not a handsome a fee as 1000USD though.. But they're there.
In some places in rural Balkan this was/is a thing. Women dress in black and are paid to go to funerals and act devastated.
To be fair it is a thing throughout the world. Not just Balkan.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_mourning
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1000 dolla well spend
Well, the guy is a professional.
I think I'd go with the one who would show up in a government looking car, black suit and dark glasses who would just stand there looking mysterious
+1000 aura on your funeral for everyone thinking that you were some kinda secret agent your whole life.
Or a member of the mafia
A former coworkers dad passed and apparently there was a bunch of black suit Italians that showed up at the funeral and told my friend that he just needed to call the number on this card if he ever needed anything.
Life is short. Did he call the number?
He did, that's why life is short
Na, get the number for me. I can do better
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Did she
She died
Did they double check this time?
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Oops
People in the past used to ensure that their bodies or bodies of loved ones were drained of blood before they were buried because they would rather be accidentally killed when everyone thought they were dead anyways than wake up buried to die a slow, agonizing death.
When they would exhume the bodies, they kept finding coffins with scratch marks. People who were buried alive tried in vain to escape. It was fairly common that graves were outfitted with bells connected to the coffin so if someone gets buried alive, they can ring the bell and call for help https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safety_coffin
Live stream that and and 20k instead
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Bonus aura if one of them is within earshot of a family member and says "The decoy is deployed. Move subject Bravo to the extraction point" into their little ear mic thing
I'll take a couple of those, with the earpieces and sunglasses and stuff. And a few tall, overweight biker types in their vests, sobbing. And maybe a gaggle of nuns in their habits and such, weeping and praying the rosary. Oh, and if I could swing it, maybe like Jack Black shows up and just acts so wildly distraught that he can't bring himself to explain how he knows me. Maybe I should be setting aside a funeral fund, right now. I'm a very boring person. This is going to be expensive.
I'll need a funeral pyre, one professional stuntwoman to throw herself on it, a blacked out bulletproof Escalade, four men in Armani suits with earpieces, sunglasses, military haircuts and handguns, an elderly Italian gentleman with a black umbrella, a biker gang, a New Orleans jazz marching band, the dancing pallbearers from the meme, a recorded video eulogy from Bill Murray, a 21 gun salute, two women from New Jersey willing to start a fistfight with each other, an exact body double who can spend three days in a coffin, 100 white doves, the Blue Angels, and at least a double amputee in a wheelchair wearing khakis and an American flag bandana who only says "it should've been me" The four people I know will be very impressed
make it a 42 gun salute, for such an occasion you gotta have 2 21 gun salutes
You forgot the black umbrella
Yes hopefully it's October and raining
bonus points if it’s held for them by someone else
I can't believe we all thought of the exact same scenario.
For the first time in their life people would think that your life had a meaning
not only 1 tho… but like 100 people in 25 blacked out cars, tinted windows, all playing California Gurls at random intervals on repeat. then abruptly leave when someone approaches one of them
Nah, he’s gotta say something like, “We’ll miss ya, boss” in one of them goon accents. You know the one.
I need someone who will show up looking like they're from some clandestine organization or the mob. Keep the family on their toes.
Make him strip search guests at your wake
Only one?
One is the main guy, older and grey hair.. the others could be bigger and are always checking the surrounding Maybe 3 cars, and the main guy is in the middle one Just depends on what you wanna spend really 😂
Bahamian hollering but I hire 10 of him
You’re dead might as well spend like 10k and get 100 of them
Hire an entire village from the Bahamas and have them say that I was secretly their mayor that ruled over them
I demand they all come in traditional clothing and have the very obviously anointed village elder proclaim that I saved their village from despair and fought off the conquerors before saying a traditional prayer and sprinkling mysterious dust on my casket
I WANT 8 GUYS IN BLACK SUITS AND SUN GLASSES COME TO MY FUNERAL AND STAND THERE SILENT. AND SOME OTHER GUYS IN SUITS AND WITH SUNGLASSES TO WATCH THEM WITH BINOCULARS
Where and when and I’ll show
Few Months. Shit get‘s too big of a issue
When everything’s over before they burry the coffin, have one of them walk up and throw a stack of fake $100 bills on the coffin before signaling to the scoop to fill it up. After that, everyone drives away. I gotta talk to my friends now…
Or.. i just play audio of myself banging and screaming while the dirt gets thrown on the coffin. And the sound just get‘s more muffled after time passes
Calm down, Satan.
Forgot to reply. #NEVA 👹👹👹👹
Stop yelling
#NEVER
DONT TALK SMALL TO ME LIBERAL \s
Joe many liberals does it take to change a log by bolb????? None , their too busy ???? Their gender 😂😂😂😂😂😂
I DON’T KNOW HOW, I HIT SOMETHING ON MY KEYBOARD AND NOW I CAN’T TALK NORMALLY.
Why would I actually hire that guy for my funeral
Hire him for someone else's funeral, then enjoy the show.
thats the right idea
Funni
Gonna be tough deciding between that guy vs the Taiwanese funeral strippers. https://qz.com/880552/the-hottest-funeral-of-the-year-featured-50-pole-dancers-and-giant-puppets
Why not both? Limited budget?
Definitely do 1200 for 4 and 5
[удалено]
That guy looks like he could force you to hire him.
Actually hiring a person to cry is wierdly a roman tradition. You can also show your wealth for how many of them you hired.
It's a thing in multiple cultures around the world.
Common tradition in China, Taiwan, and other cultures influenced by the Chinese, too. They hire "crying ladies" (or crying men lmao). More people crying on your funeral makes you look like a great person, which influences the deity's judgment haha.
If the dead guy was an asshole
Man my funeral about to be lit, Imma hire this guy, some random dudes in black suits, exotic dancers, male strippers, that one reptile guy that went to birthday parties when we were all 9, some transformers and a fuck ton of cosplayers to all show up. it's gonna be mayhem
Lol transformers
For all I care, they can dump my dead body into a canal.
Into the Tiber with Tiberius
In the Rhine with Rhinestone
Into the Nile with Neal
Throw me in the traaaaaaaasssshhhhhh
It’s technically legal as long as you get a permit ya know
everything's technically legal as long as you get a permit
at least have yourself wrapped in a rug chained to a cinderblock when you do
If he's on OnlyFans, he could really cash in. 😂😂😂
Fun fact in Montenegro this existed as a profession, you could hire a wailing woman to cry and lament at someone's funeral.
Professional mourners, or moirologists, can be found in [many cultures across the world.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_mourning#) It's an industry that goes all the way back to antiquity.
I'd hire two guys individually and tell em they are to be the loudest and have them compete against one another.
'Bahamian' Who let the dogs out?
I wanna see the 100€ version xD
Um actually 100$≠100€ So it would be the 93.28€ version
6. Sneaking inside of the casket and crying from within until people hear it and think your relative has been raised from the dead.
Send me this guys details.. thank you
Don't need u but need someone to cradle me in their arms for 2 hours while they tell me I'm enough, but need the rate to be reasonable as I don't make barely enough to put food on me mother's table
10k for me to stand there and put on a show.
Funny thing is this was an actual job in some arabic cultures but it was reserved for women, they were called "the counters" as they count the good deeds of the dead person and act like a cheer leader but to provoke crying and tears.
Used to be a real job... not being a troll or sarcastic.
That is brilliant my life is complete
I mean, if I’m dead, I wouldn’t care of that $1K
I want to be friends with the type of person who thinks of things like this.
I feel you, wish you best of luck in your journey.
I am willing to provide a service where I dress in a all black dress and stand under a tree in the distance while a friend in a suit walks up to me, talks for a while, then one of us leaves while the other continues to stare on
For 1000i totally would.
This was actually a profession in ancient Rome.
Normal position in China
Do places still allow graveside funerals? I've been to a lot of funerals and I've never once had the opportunity to go to the actual hole they were going to put the casket in.
It's up to the family/religion how they want to do it. I went to a funeral this year that included a graveside service, with the priest sprinkling ashes, etc. However, the casket wasn't actually lowered into the ground until after we left. It was just sitting on a temporary structure over the hole.
That used to be a valid profession in ancient Egypt and other cultures: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_mourning
In my country, theres a culture where this happens unironically. The mourning family hires professional mourners who mourn for about 2 weeks every morning and I think on the day of the burial as well. Not a handsome a fee as 1000USD though.. But they're there.
The power move is to hire two guys like this and have them both argue loudly over who gets to jump in the grave first.
Weren't professional mourners actually a thing in some culture?
I want those dancing casket dudes but they’re outside my budget
This was a profession in many cultures for a long time, probably still is somewhere (other than wherever this guy is, of course).
30 individuals dressed as minions and only speak in their language when spoken to
Omg… as a fellow Bahamian, I’m a little embarrassed 🫣😂
Why ? You should be proud instead, this is legendary 🗿
You just incentivized this guy to kill pretty much anyone in your family but you.
In some places in rural Balkan this was/is a thing. Women dress in black and are paid to go to funerals and act devastated. To be fair it is a thing throughout the world. Not just Balkan. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_mourning
Hire a hitman
We have this job in Vietnam. We hired people to cry at the funeral. They brought special music instruments that sound like death cry as well.
Oh, absolutely. $1k.
hahahaha he's the best
hahaha
💲1000💲
For my funeral, i'd like the special off-the-menu item: "The Mustang" "it's a bad day for rain" "it isnt raining." "Yes. it is"
Nah he getting 1.1k