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I think if your husband wanted them in the sport and arranged for it and all that, it's kinda on him to handle if the mom isn't willing. Does it suck? Sure. But also that's kinda the price for putting kids in activities.
I don't think you're being selfish, or rather I don't think you're being unreasonably selfish, but this is kind of a problem of your husband's making.
Unless BM was pushing just as hard, agreed with everything, and is now bailing.
I don’t think you’re being selfish but at the end of the day, dad has this obligation to his kid. He doesn’t really have a choice here. You being pregnant doesn’t change this.
I don’t necessarily think that you’re being selfish, however it sounds like your partner is in support of these sporting events. He wants them to play football.
IMO if one parent advocates for sports to be a thing in their child’s like they should be the one willing to do the driving. My SKs bio dad likes to sign the kids up for sports and just expects my SO (and in some cases myself due to work scheduling) to hold up the practices and games on her custody time. I think that’s ok if it’s agreed on by all involved. My problem is it’s never asked it’s just expected.
So if it’s your partner that wants the kids to be in a sport and bio mom isn’t liking what she has been voluntold for then….. it’s your partners responsibility to get him to football.
I do totally understand needing that break. Just take those evenings to yourself and enjoy the quiet.
This might be an unpopular opinion. I do not think you're being selfish, but I think you might need to accept losing this battle. My step children are 10,14 and 16. We are 50/50. They are with us at least 1-3 extra days a week for about 4 hours to overnight. I really hated it at first since the days they are with their BM me and SO work, so we already have next to no alone time. But, I personally can't stomach being the reason my SO misses his children. I found that having my own child helped me reconcile these negative feelings.
Our baby is 6 months old. The extra time SKs spend here now helps them feel like real siblings and I find we are all happiest when I accept that adult desires come after the children, within reason. I also appreciate my step kids company more now that I'm off work and hanging out with a baby everyday.
Basically I would either accompany your husband and try to appreciate family time together, or stay home and take advantage of personal time. Good luck.
Early on in our dating process (we're both 40's) my partner and I were both clear that we were not going to be burning down our prior lives in an altar for the other. We both have individual hobbies. She has a minor child mostly full custody and I have adult kids.
We're prefer to wake up together, but because of my hobbies, there's 3 mornings a week that I'm not in the house when she's getting up. Her hobby has her out of the house several hours each week, and sometimes she'll be gone a few days on a weekend leaving Kid and I alone together (previously she had family watch Kid). I see one of my sons weekly, and combine errand running... this is usually on a day we're not waking up together, so despite living together, we'll see each other 20-60 minutes that night depending on exact timing. Additionally there's occasional social time with friends/family.
On one hand, we both would still like to see the other more... but on the other hand, neither of us are proposing cutting out parts of our existing lives.
Personally, I feel that only very young people want a "joined at the hip" relationship. However I feel that also early on people should discuss what they want and expect. Did you discuss with your partner/husband about expecting him to be attached to your hip on his non-custody weeks?
What if this wasn't him handling transportation for the kids on BM's time, and instead was him attending a social/hobby group for 2.5 hours every week would you be feeling the same way?
I understand being upset, but this is not a hill I would die on. Think about it from your SK's perspective. Suppose dad refuses to take him to activities on mom's time, and mom refuses to ever take him to activities. Most activities cannot be done just half the weeks, especially as kids get older and grow in skill levels. Your SK will never get to do an activity full time and build up the skill properly, just because his parents care more about being petty than working together. And yes, I know people on this sub think of extracurriculars as luxuries that stepkids aren't entitled to, but you're pregnant. Wouldn't you want your own kid to be able to properly join a sports team? Especially since it can make a big difference in terms of social life, college acceptances, personal development, etc.
I would take this time for alone time to catch up on your own hobbies, and try and make the best of it. Maybe depending on the SK's age and the nature of the team, you can ask your husband to just drop him off and pick him up on weeks where it's not your custody time, instead of staying for the practice/games, at least some of the time.
You’re not being selfish. But very kindly if your husband pushed for them to be accepted into a hobby & mum is famously awkward, it was inevitable that he’d end up picking up the slack here if it’s a hobby that infringes on ‘her time’ with the kids, she likely feels a bit resentful & has made some drama up in her head that your DH is ‘telling her what to do / dictating on HER time with the kids’. We went through all of this, from initially them not being allowed to practice or go to games at all on ‘her time’ never mind her not taking them, but mum did a huge about-face a year in when she realised what it meant to them & started getting more involved.
Could it be a reaction to your pregnancy, eg her mad way of making sure her kids still get priority time & attention from DH?
Is there a contingency in place for mum to take them as a one off, or is SK aware that he won’t be going on Thursday if you’re in labour that day?
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I don't think you are being selfish and I would feel the same way. But you may just have to accept this one. Since he got them into football it is his responsibility to facilitate it if he wants them in it and BM doesn't care. Its horrible she is being so petty about this especially since the person being hurt the most would be your eldest step son. I sincerely hope you guys are able to hide from him that his mother doesn't care enough about him to drive an extra 15 min round trip..
No I don't think you're being selfish at all. I have a similar situation to you 50/50 and the days we have my stepson we have to take him to football games early Sunday mornings, then he has training Tuesdays and Wednesdays. My husband is only home for 12 days out of the month because he works away so when he's home for the 6 days that we have my stepson I really cherish the time and sometimes it feels like our attention is always on stepson and his needs.
I'm also 20 weeks pregnant and sometimes hubby will get pouty if i turn down going to stepsons games and practices but I'm just so tired a lot of the time and sitting and watching a bunch of uncoordinated kids kick a soccer ball around for an hour isn't how I'd like to spend my Sunday mornings and evenings.
I understand where you're coming from and it can be so frustrating.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think if your husband wanted them in the sport and arranged for it and all that, it's kinda on him to handle if the mom isn't willing. Does it suck? Sure. But also that's kinda the price for putting kids in activities. I don't think you're being selfish, or rather I don't think you're being unreasonably selfish, but this is kind of a problem of your husband's making. Unless BM was pushing just as hard, agreed with everything, and is now bailing.
I don’t think you’re being selfish but at the end of the day, dad has this obligation to his kid. He doesn’t really have a choice here. You being pregnant doesn’t change this.
I don’t necessarily think that you’re being selfish, however it sounds like your partner is in support of these sporting events. He wants them to play football. IMO if one parent advocates for sports to be a thing in their child’s like they should be the one willing to do the driving. My SKs bio dad likes to sign the kids up for sports and just expects my SO (and in some cases myself due to work scheduling) to hold up the practices and games on her custody time. I think that’s ok if it’s agreed on by all involved. My problem is it’s never asked it’s just expected. So if it’s your partner that wants the kids to be in a sport and bio mom isn’t liking what she has been voluntold for then….. it’s your partners responsibility to get him to football. I do totally understand needing that break. Just take those evenings to yourself and enjoy the quiet.
This might be an unpopular opinion. I do not think you're being selfish, but I think you might need to accept losing this battle. My step children are 10,14 and 16. We are 50/50. They are with us at least 1-3 extra days a week for about 4 hours to overnight. I really hated it at first since the days they are with their BM me and SO work, so we already have next to no alone time. But, I personally can't stomach being the reason my SO misses his children. I found that having my own child helped me reconcile these negative feelings. Our baby is 6 months old. The extra time SKs spend here now helps them feel like real siblings and I find we are all happiest when I accept that adult desires come after the children, within reason. I also appreciate my step kids company more now that I'm off work and hanging out with a baby everyday. Basically I would either accompany your husband and try to appreciate family time together, or stay home and take advantage of personal time. Good luck.
Early on in our dating process (we're both 40's) my partner and I were both clear that we were not going to be burning down our prior lives in an altar for the other. We both have individual hobbies. She has a minor child mostly full custody and I have adult kids. We're prefer to wake up together, but because of my hobbies, there's 3 mornings a week that I'm not in the house when she's getting up. Her hobby has her out of the house several hours each week, and sometimes she'll be gone a few days on a weekend leaving Kid and I alone together (previously she had family watch Kid). I see one of my sons weekly, and combine errand running... this is usually on a day we're not waking up together, so despite living together, we'll see each other 20-60 minutes that night depending on exact timing. Additionally there's occasional social time with friends/family. On one hand, we both would still like to see the other more... but on the other hand, neither of us are proposing cutting out parts of our existing lives. Personally, I feel that only very young people want a "joined at the hip" relationship. However I feel that also early on people should discuss what they want and expect. Did you discuss with your partner/husband about expecting him to be attached to your hip on his non-custody weeks? What if this wasn't him handling transportation for the kids on BM's time, and instead was him attending a social/hobby group for 2.5 hours every week would you be feeling the same way?
I understand being upset, but this is not a hill I would die on. Think about it from your SK's perspective. Suppose dad refuses to take him to activities on mom's time, and mom refuses to ever take him to activities. Most activities cannot be done just half the weeks, especially as kids get older and grow in skill levels. Your SK will never get to do an activity full time and build up the skill properly, just because his parents care more about being petty than working together. And yes, I know people on this sub think of extracurriculars as luxuries that stepkids aren't entitled to, but you're pregnant. Wouldn't you want your own kid to be able to properly join a sports team? Especially since it can make a big difference in terms of social life, college acceptances, personal development, etc. I would take this time for alone time to catch up on your own hobbies, and try and make the best of it. Maybe depending on the SK's age and the nature of the team, you can ask your husband to just drop him off and pick him up on weeks where it's not your custody time, instead of staying for the practice/games, at least some of the time.
You’re not being selfish. But very kindly if your husband pushed for them to be accepted into a hobby & mum is famously awkward, it was inevitable that he’d end up picking up the slack here if it’s a hobby that infringes on ‘her time’ with the kids, she likely feels a bit resentful & has made some drama up in her head that your DH is ‘telling her what to do / dictating on HER time with the kids’. We went through all of this, from initially them not being allowed to practice or go to games at all on ‘her time’ never mind her not taking them, but mum did a huge about-face a year in when she realised what it meant to them & started getting more involved. Could it be a reaction to your pregnancy, eg her mad way of making sure her kids still get priority time & attention from DH? Is there a contingency in place for mum to take them as a one off, or is SK aware that he won’t be going on Thursday if you’re in labour that day?
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I don't think you are being selfish and I would feel the same way. But you may just have to accept this one. Since he got them into football it is his responsibility to facilitate it if he wants them in it and BM doesn't care. Its horrible she is being so petty about this especially since the person being hurt the most would be your eldest step son. I sincerely hope you guys are able to hide from him that his mother doesn't care enough about him to drive an extra 15 min round trip..
No I don't think you're being selfish at all. I have a similar situation to you 50/50 and the days we have my stepson we have to take him to football games early Sunday mornings, then he has training Tuesdays and Wednesdays. My husband is only home for 12 days out of the month because he works away so when he's home for the 6 days that we have my stepson I really cherish the time and sometimes it feels like our attention is always on stepson and his needs. I'm also 20 weeks pregnant and sometimes hubby will get pouty if i turn down going to stepsons games and practices but I'm just so tired a lot of the time and sitting and watching a bunch of uncoordinated kids kick a soccer ball around for an hour isn't how I'd like to spend my Sunday mornings and evenings. I understand where you're coming from and it can be so frustrating.