That’s what I’ve always said to myself, after the fact, in anger… “alcohol is poison.”
I haven’t been one to drink more than 3 glasses of wine, but I was doing it almost every day as a way to escape my loneliness and sadness. I finally realized I was only getting maybe 10 minutes of a sweet spot in exchange for not sleeping and feeling like crap in the morning. Not a good trade.
So I’m on day 21 and motivated (last White Claw was on Superbowl Sunday).
Just say NO TO POISON!
I miss wine so much. I could have a whole two bottles. But of course the next day I feel awful with a nasty taste in my mouth. I don't miss beer, really, it's wine.
I was close to an “alcohol reward” these past few days, it was hard this weekend to not reward myself with a tall boy because that’s what I had always done
I’m new, so I still need “rewards” to get over the hump, I chose to make a nice decaf espresso instead as my reward.
Ultimately, I need to realize that a good night sleep and no tummy aches are the reward.. not the beer
> I convinced myself I could handle alcohol/deserved to drink after a long day of work and have now binged three days in a row.
A story as old as time and one every heavy / problem drinker knows.
You tell yourself that for some reason this time will be different...a "one off", you'll just drink a "couple" or it "won't do any harm" and find yourself back at square one very quickly, repeating all the old habits, or WORSE!
I've been down the line of thinking around "well it's not fair that everyone else can drink" and getting annoyed / angry about how everyone else can moderate, be sensible, enjoy themselves without getting carried away etc but it does us no good.
My drinking is way beyond even most of the heavy drinkers I know. At least they have a cut off point and stop at a certain time and go to bed and can get on with the next day. I don't, I drink all night until pass out drunk and then cannot function the next day.
So no point in me trying to compare myself to anyone else or getting annoyed by it, I'm different when it comes to alcohol for whatever reasons and that's all there is to it!
I swear, it's like you climbed in my mind.
Yes! That jealous anger from seeing other people actually *enjoying* alcohol, made me scream, "it's not fair!" at the universe. But, it might not be fair, but it is what it is.
When I finally realized, fair or not, I *did* have a choice...to ruin everything, or not drink . Those were all I had. So, I chose to not drink.
For some reason having a choice (even if it wasn't the one I wanted) made me feel better.
I went on with life. Sometimes I had to white knuckle it. But as time went on, those white knuckles showed up less frequently, and now, they rarely appear at all.
I so happy we're sober today.
>When I finally realized, fair or not, I did have a choice...to ruin everything, or not drink . Those were all I had. So, I chose to not drink.
>
>For some reason having a choice (even if it wasn't the one I wanted) made me feel better.
That's probably a good way to look at it for most because as soon as you tell yourself you "cannot have something" it's so easy to get annoyed or want it even more than ever.
Looking at it as "well, I could drink this if I wanted to but I'm choosing not to for XYZ reasons" feels easier to accept.
I need to remember this when serious temptations arise and / or I start thinking I'm depriving myself / forcing myself to be sober.
I don't look at other people who can moderate with jealousy anymore, it's insane if you think about it. I wish I could just moderately poison myself like Sally. I don't want any amount of that poison anymore, screw that noise.
Hard lesson to learn, but a great realization—we’re wired differently than other people. And believing that alcohol is a “reward”; it is not.
It tricked you this time; next time you will know better. Glad you came here for accountability. You are strong and you CAN do this!
You made it 5 days!!! That's fuckin wicked. That's your sober power. You know you can make it 5 days. And next time maybe you'll make it 6 :)
You picked yourself back up and kept trying. That's the part to focus on. Congrats and welcome back😉
I read a post in this sub recently that really resonated with me, because it was very much in line with my drinking habits, so anytime I consider "just having one" I remind myself:
1 Drink is too many, because 10 isn't enough.
IWNDWYTD
As others have said, it's pretty typical for someone with an alcohol problem to trip up like this. Don't beat yourself up, it's a rite of passage, a diagnostic step which reconfirms one thing - booze isn't a good thing, reward, treat or even nice. It helps you to have longer periods of sobriety because of how shitty you feel.
You're doing better than you think, especially addressing and accepting how bad you feel, coming here and not reaching for the bottle.
Hiya. I can relate. I'm 55M and since the age of 17 nearly everything I do for "fun" has involved alcohol. I basically trained myself (like you would a dog) to associate the intoxicating effects of drinking with enjoying myself. As a result, I am no having to re-learn how to do everything. I've had to abandon most of my old friend group which means my social life has shrunk considerably (no more Monday night pub dart league, no more hanging out on Friday nights at my buddy's place listening to music and playing darts...etc. When I examine my life as a drinker I now realize that I wasn't really "doing" anything. I was just drinking in different locations and while also doing activities which I could do sober...but never would do. I can't even imagine playing darts without alcohol, so there goes a 20 years "hobby." I could give you lots of examples but it all boils down to this. After 35 years doing the same thing, it is going to take me the rest of my days to learn some new shit to fill up the hours. I can tell you that after six years (my journey toward sobriety), it is still a work in progress but I am slowly learning that I can do some things without alcohol that I never thought possible. Those that I can't I'm happy to leave in the past. Not sure if that makes sense but I hope you are able to stay on track. It's a tough road, but the destination is worth the effort. IWNDWYT
Just my story: Once I decided to quit, I hunkered down and did not go anywhere except work for the first 2 weeks. The only ridiculously challenging thing was passing liquor stores on the way home from work. I’d stay in my car in the parking lot and read this sub. For the first few weeks, I did not go out with friends, stayed away from any place that served alcohol. That is the only way I was able to get here, today 100 days. IWNDWYT ❤️❤️❤️
Booze damages the brain. It needs time to restore dopamine receptors (else, life is no fun) and GABA receptors (else, you're anxious/angry). For most people, that takes a week or two.
You're fighting your biology in the early days. Overcoming physical dependence... sucks. After you're sober for a good spell (at least a few weeks), the greater challenge hits... and pretty non-stop: the lie that you can do moderation, now. But you don't need to think about that, now.
Take it one day at a time. Seriously. Just don't drink, today.
* go to bed early; melatonin & Benadryl help
* go for walks
* strenuous exercise gives you a dopamine hit -- as do sweets and sex
* Accept that it's just gonna suck... but within two weeks, you'll probably feel better
* come back, here, for support
IWNDWYT
This is my issue. Sometimes we think alcohol issues mean you're drinking 24/7. But I feel like I'm almost addicted to the pulling myself back together, working out, etc. Then, as you said, feeling good and confident that I can have a few sends me back into the spiral.
I have no advice because I'm working on this myself but I'm trying to find something to replace that high of the drink
Not just helping you… this is similar to what happens with me. Go all week long, think I need to have “one” on the weekend. Which turned into 2 bottles on Friday night. Driving to the store for the 2nd bottle after finishing the first off. 😞😕🙄
Disappointing.
Alcohol is not your reward but enemy.
This is such an important mindset shift! It is poison, not a reward.
That’s what I’ve always said to myself, after the fact, in anger… “alcohol is poison.” I haven’t been one to drink more than 3 glasses of wine, but I was doing it almost every day as a way to escape my loneliness and sadness. I finally realized I was only getting maybe 10 minutes of a sweet spot in exchange for not sleeping and feeling like crap in the morning. Not a good trade. So I’m on day 21 and motivated (last White Claw was on Superbowl Sunday). Just say NO TO POISON!
I miss wine so much. I could have a whole two bottles. But of course the next day I feel awful with a nasty taste in my mouth. I don't miss beer, really, it's wine.
Alcohol is so insidious. You think alcohol will give you a good time. In reality it's slowly killing you.
I was close to an “alcohol reward” these past few days, it was hard this weekend to not reward myself with a tall boy because that’s what I had always done I’m new, so I still need “rewards” to get over the hump, I chose to make a nice decaf espresso instead as my reward. Ultimately, I need to realize that a good night sleep and no tummy aches are the reward.. not the beer
Just don't take that first drink, it always leads us to crave more. IWNDWYT
This!
> I convinced myself I could handle alcohol/deserved to drink after a long day of work and have now binged three days in a row. A story as old as time and one every heavy / problem drinker knows. You tell yourself that for some reason this time will be different...a "one off", you'll just drink a "couple" or it "won't do any harm" and find yourself back at square one very quickly, repeating all the old habits, or WORSE! I've been down the line of thinking around "well it's not fair that everyone else can drink" and getting annoyed / angry about how everyone else can moderate, be sensible, enjoy themselves without getting carried away etc but it does us no good. My drinking is way beyond even most of the heavy drinkers I know. At least they have a cut off point and stop at a certain time and go to bed and can get on with the next day. I don't, I drink all night until pass out drunk and then cannot function the next day. So no point in me trying to compare myself to anyone else or getting annoyed by it, I'm different when it comes to alcohol for whatever reasons and that's all there is to it!
I swear, it's like you climbed in my mind. Yes! That jealous anger from seeing other people actually *enjoying* alcohol, made me scream, "it's not fair!" at the universe. But, it might not be fair, but it is what it is. When I finally realized, fair or not, I *did* have a choice...to ruin everything, or not drink . Those were all I had. So, I chose to not drink. For some reason having a choice (even if it wasn't the one I wanted) made me feel better. I went on with life. Sometimes I had to white knuckle it. But as time went on, those white knuckles showed up less frequently, and now, they rarely appear at all. I so happy we're sober today.
>When I finally realized, fair or not, I did have a choice...to ruin everything, or not drink . Those were all I had. So, I chose to not drink. > >For some reason having a choice (even if it wasn't the one I wanted) made me feel better. That's probably a good way to look at it for most because as soon as you tell yourself you "cannot have something" it's so easy to get annoyed or want it even more than ever. Looking at it as "well, I could drink this if I wanted to but I'm choosing not to for XYZ reasons" feels easier to accept. I need to remember this when serious temptations arise and / or I start thinking I'm depriving myself / forcing myself to be sober.
I don't look at other people who can moderate with jealousy anymore, it's insane if you think about it. I wish I could just moderately poison myself like Sally. I don't want any amount of that poison anymore, screw that noise.
Im here for you
Hard lesson to learn, but a great realization—we’re wired differently than other people. And believing that alcohol is a “reward”; it is not. It tricked you this time; next time you will know better. Glad you came here for accountability. You are strong and you CAN do this!
You made it 5 days!!! That's fuckin wicked. That's your sober power. You know you can make it 5 days. And next time maybe you'll make it 6 :) You picked yourself back up and kept trying. That's the part to focus on. Congrats and welcome back😉
I read a post in this sub recently that really resonated with me, because it was very much in line with my drinking habits, so anytime I consider "just having one" I remind myself: 1 Drink is too many, because 10 isn't enough. IWNDWYTD
As others have said, it's pretty typical for someone with an alcohol problem to trip up like this. Don't beat yourself up, it's a rite of passage, a diagnostic step which reconfirms one thing - booze isn't a good thing, reward, treat or even nice. It helps you to have longer periods of sobriety because of how shitty you feel. You're doing better than you think, especially addressing and accepting how bad you feel, coming here and not reaching for the bottle.
Hiya. I can relate. I'm 55M and since the age of 17 nearly everything I do for "fun" has involved alcohol. I basically trained myself (like you would a dog) to associate the intoxicating effects of drinking with enjoying myself. As a result, I am no having to re-learn how to do everything. I've had to abandon most of my old friend group which means my social life has shrunk considerably (no more Monday night pub dart league, no more hanging out on Friday nights at my buddy's place listening to music and playing darts...etc. When I examine my life as a drinker I now realize that I wasn't really "doing" anything. I was just drinking in different locations and while also doing activities which I could do sober...but never would do. I can't even imagine playing darts without alcohol, so there goes a 20 years "hobby." I could give you lots of examples but it all boils down to this. After 35 years doing the same thing, it is going to take me the rest of my days to learn some new shit to fill up the hours. I can tell you that after six years (my journey toward sobriety), it is still a work in progress but I am slowly learning that I can do some things without alcohol that I never thought possible. Those that I can't I'm happy to leave in the past. Not sure if that makes sense but I hope you are able to stay on track. It's a tough road, but the destination is worth the effort. IWNDWYT
Just my story: Once I decided to quit, I hunkered down and did not go anywhere except work for the first 2 weeks. The only ridiculously challenging thing was passing liquor stores on the way home from work. I’d stay in my car in the parking lot and read this sub. For the first few weeks, I did not go out with friends, stayed away from any place that served alcohol. That is the only way I was able to get here, today 100 days. IWNDWYT ❤️❤️❤️
Booze damages the brain. It needs time to restore dopamine receptors (else, life is no fun) and GABA receptors (else, you're anxious/angry). For most people, that takes a week or two. You're fighting your biology in the early days. Overcoming physical dependence... sucks. After you're sober for a good spell (at least a few weeks), the greater challenge hits... and pretty non-stop: the lie that you can do moderation, now. But you don't need to think about that, now. Take it one day at a time. Seriously. Just don't drink, today. * go to bed early; melatonin & Benadryl help * go for walks * strenuous exercise gives you a dopamine hit -- as do sweets and sex * Accept that it's just gonna suck... but within two weeks, you'll probably feel better * come back, here, for support IWNDWYT
I honestly take pride in not being like everyone else who drinks. Changing that mindset has been paramount
This is my issue. Sometimes we think alcohol issues mean you're drinking 24/7. But I feel like I'm almost addicted to the pulling myself back together, working out, etc. Then, as you said, feeling good and confident that I can have a few sends me back into the spiral. I have no advice because I'm working on this myself but I'm trying to find something to replace that high of the drink
Not just helping you… this is similar to what happens with me. Go all week long, think I need to have “one” on the weekend. Which turned into 2 bottles on Friday night. Driving to the store for the 2nd bottle after finishing the first off. 😞😕🙄 Disappointing.
Get back up on the wagon and give yourself a break. Happens to the best of us. One Day At A Time
You're not the first person to fall down this rabbit hole. And five days is great! If you did it once you can definitely do it again.