Yes, I feel very strongly about this. AF āstreaksā are amazing, but it is NOT the only marker of success. Not drinking for 4 years is nothing short of phenomenal. Those days are *not* lost. I do like that streaks are acknowledged, but I think they can sometimes hinder us if a slip up happens and it feels pointless or too overwhelming to āstart again.ā Itās really not starting over. Itās a continuation.
OP, Iām rooting for you. Youāve done 4 years, which is insanity. So great. You can do this!
Hi. Glad youāre here. Hope the you and family are able to put this small incident into the wider perspective of your accomplishment so far. Youāre ok.
Thank you. I feel horrible letting my son down. He has a lot of trauma due to my drinking in the past, and I have been rebuilding my life and my relationship with him. I just have so much guilt. Itās hard to manage. I hope my husband comes back.
I am proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to get back here. Four years is a big accomplishment. Show yourself some grace and kindness. Sending you a big hug and I will not be drinking with you today. š«¶
The problem is that normal drinkers or non-drinkers cannot understand it no matter how hard they might try. They can't comprehend the addiction, and that's just not their fault. I was addicted to booze pretty badly, and many of those around me just thought I was a fuck-up and that I was choosing to be a fuck-up. While I take total responsibility for everything I've ever done, I certainly wasn't deciding to screw up. It was something beyond my control.
I think, and everyone else agrees that consistent change of behavior is the best apology. If I were you, I'd apologize not expecting any kind of acceptance of that, and then show them that I mean it by really changing. That's all we can really do.
I certainly empathize with you as I know what it feels like. I wish you the best.
Or they choose not to. My ex is a 3 x's a day weed smoker since early hs, but says, "Just have one."
You have done it before, OP. You can do it again. I hope everyone and you, yourself can forgive and move past this.
Honestly, I just don't know if someone who has never been an alcoholic can really understand what it's like to be addicted to alcohol. Like, with weed we can have some psychological addictions where one feels like they, "need," it to get through the day, but with booze there's also a physical addiction that's very real. People get the shakes, they are hungover as hell until they have the hair of the dog, and many other signs of both physical and psychological addiction. For those that haven't been through all that, I think it's very difficult to understand why someone would continue to drink even though their lives are falling apart around them. To these people, it just appears that the drinker doesn't give a shit about how their drinking is affecting others, yet inside most people feel absolutely terrible about it, but can't figure out how to stop even though they want to so badly.
What did you do to get through those 4 years? Do more of that. Buy some books, listen to some podcasts. AA wasnāt for me either, but there are tons of other resources out there (I recommend Sober Awkward if you like a good podcast). Find ways to show your husband and son that youāre making an effort to ensure that you donāt go back to your old ways. Giving it time is nice, but if I were them Iād want to know that you were aware of exactly how serious your slip up is.
And of course, be kind to yourself. Youāre a badass for making it 4 years. Weāre alcoholics for life, and mistakes happen. What you do after the mistake is whatās important.
Thank you. I will definitely check out the podcast. I really just stayed sober by being so disgusted with myself and having my son and husband to be accountable to. Iām from Wisconsin, so drinking is so common here and with a bar/liquor store on every corner Iāve had to white knuckle it a lot of the time. I started after work Tuesday and didnāt stop until yesterday.
Just want to weigh in because I saw you say being disgusted with yourself is what was keeping you sober. I understand those feelings well but if you have been punishing yourself for years Iām not surprised you reached a breaking point ā¹ļø
I bet if I told you about my previous experiences you would respond with kindness to me, not disgust. Try and treat yourself with that grace and forgiveness. You have clearly been trying so hard.
Maybe try and reframe your mindset this time around - you arenāt doing this out of disgust, but out of love for yourself and your family! You deserve it.
Yes, to that! As I've been lurking on this site and on zoom AA meetings, I've been trying to figure out why it it is so comforting to know that others have just as hard of a time with this as I do.
My therapist says I shouldn't overthink it (too late!). If it's comforting and helpful, just go with it. I don't buy the misery loves company theory on this.
I think what it really comes down to is what the prev responder mentioned. We keep this to ourselves (and from those close to us in life) and feel like monsters.
We hear others, strangers express the same and we give them grace. We don't think of them as monsters, we understand where they are coming from, how hard they're struggling, how much they've accomplished, how human they are. And part of us, consciously or not, knows that, logically, this must apply to us too.
Like others mentioned, I have never gone 4 yrs. I only made it past 24 hrs recently. You've done so much, you cannot discount that.
This is very good advice. Donāt be so hard on yourself, treat yourself with love. Be proud of the four years you were sober. In my experience the guilt and shame only makes me want to drink more. Those are normal feelings but itās important not to hold onto them
I need to formulate a plan. Iām going to try a SMART Recovery meeting, and a few other things people have suggested here. Iām realizing that WANTING to be sober does not equal sobriety. I need help. Canāt do it by myself.
Living in shame, mom guilt, disgust is a hard way to not drink. (I am not sober, I am abstaining).. It has taken a hard 2 years of binge drinking once a month (with many more years of problem drinking) and a year of changing my relationship with alcohol. I have a drink now and again but I have boundries. It was these boundries that I set with alcohol, people and really seeing the bad habbits I had with how to cope. This is not for everyone. I have used science based smart recovery and other (non abstinence exclusive) tools to make real change. Therapy also has been a great tool. Knowing why you do what you do so you can recognize it and change the behavior. I had a hard time with AA and the can't drink approach only made me feal somehow left out, or broken. A year ago I was literally you. But I was in the ER after about a week long binge during which my family had left because they deserved better (I deserved better too). My kids were 10 and 15 at the time.
They all came back. But I didn't make empty promises. They were gone a month and only came back when I felt we were ready to be better as a family. They almost didn't come back, and they only did when they saw in me a person they couldn't or didn't want to be without.
How did you go about repairing your family? My husband left, turned off his location, and refuses to answer any calls or texts. My son wonāt speak to me until I go to therapy. Right now itās just me and my puppy, and Iām trying just to get through each day. Iāve had a panic attack this morning, but Iām feeling a bit better now. Iām leaving for work shortly, and Iām hoping that will help me feel more human. Thanks so much for your kind words. š
It took time and real progress. They were all gone. I was alone sleeping on the floor because I was too hungover sick to change my sheets.
First week he brought the dog back to keep me company. Then husband came by in the evenings to talk. Talking became planning, plans into doing. We had some date nights. The kids came to wish me happy mothers day and we had dinner. Then counseling was going well and we decided I didn't need to go to inpatient care. Kids came home and we continue to work on being good to eachother and making life better for all. ( I was a cronic do it all-er) Its a huge trigger for me when I get so overwhelmed because I take on too much and don't ask for help. Then get frustrated that no one is helping me.
Finding what was making me drink,making life more manageable so I don't get overwelmed, asking for help, admitting to family when I am stuggling mentally, FINDING NEW COPING SKILLS. this was bug for me. I had a big loss in my early 20s and spent alot of time in a bottle. I never learned how to cooe any other way. And now that I have it is so much better. MINDFULNESS, lieing to yourself only goes so far for so long until the well is dry and your dieing of thirst and have no tools to find water. The water and the well are important but the tools are what will sustain you.
All you can do is acknowledge it and move on. You canāt change the past. Be remorseful. Know your mistakes donāt define you. You did 4 years of sobriety. You can continue.
I donāt do AA either. Same thing for me. I hate hearing the one upper stories on who was the biggest baddest drinker there ever was. Fuck that.
Find your peace your way. Remove the stress. Be with yourself.
As others have said, today is a new day. We are human, we make mistakes. Owning our mistakes and learning from them, doing better is how we grow. Sending you love. IWNDWYT
Seconding the smart recommendation. Their app is really useful and Iāve found the meetings help a lot. Very different vibe from AA. If youāre feeling nervous or too exposed, you can attend a virtual one with mic and camera off and just listen.
I really have enjoyed SMART! I ordered the workbook off Amazon. At first it felt cheesy to fill out the work sheets but holy moly. .it's made something click for me. I didn't want to do anything religion based. SMART is science based and some of the points they make really hit home. Good luck at your meeting today! If you have time try to read up on SMART before it starts. The first one I attended online before my workbook arrived left me feeling like I was out of the loop.
Congrats on 4 years! Mistakes happen, what matters most is that you are back on track š
Yes! I have been attending SMART meetings online for the past two weeks.Ā
It's really great. Takes a bit to find meetings you mesh with (for example, I don't like the huge "national" meetings. But the smaller, location based ones have been great).
You don't even have to talk if you don't want to. I just listen for now.Ā
Never any judgment. No one-upping stories. Just a bunch of good people and facilitators talking about the how's and why's of addictive behaviors. And how to work toward overcoming them.
On the AA thing - if it's not for you, it's fine. Different people IMO have different formulas for what works. You've had several years of success so likely you have a pretty good sense of what works for you.
My mother as an example, has a serious alcohol use disorder, and has been able to manage it without AA. Maybe a decade now or so and counting.
Full steam ahead, I'm sure you can do it, as you've already shown with a multi year success story. Don't let one fuck up undermine that success.
You screwed up but you've been sober before so you know you can do it again.
AA isn't your only option, I've never done AA. You could look into SMART Recovery, I'm part of a Facebook group that offers meetings but they aren't compulsory - there are other options.
As you said, give everything time. Remember the feeling of embarrassment that you're dealing with right now and tap into that if you feel the urge to drink again.
IWNDWYT
I just relapsed myself recently after a year and 3 months. 4 years is so impressive! I know that god awful feeling after relapsing where your brain is all out of whack and you feel incredibly depressed. Give it a week and youāll slowly crawl out of that hole. Things will get better! I believe in you!
Iām only 11 days into this new life, but Iāve been reading a book called Quit Like a Woman. I highly recommend it. The author was also triggered by AA and explains why she thinks it can be an unhelpful program for women, then she gives alternative recovery advice. It has been so incredibly supportive and inspiring for my own sobriety and genuinely makes me feel excited about this change/my future (even when Iām terrified).
Iām SO impressed by your 4 years. Iām from WI too and now in the PNW - sometimes I think people donāt fully grasp the intensity of WI drinking culture. It is so deeply ingrained and normalized there. You are an inspiration to me! Hang in there and be nice to yourself. You got this. IWNDWYT!
Wow thank you so much! Iāve always wanted to visit the PNW. š Thank you for understanding how hard it is to be an alcoholic in Wisconsin. ā¤ļø And also thank you so so much for your kind words, advice, and support.
I also live in Wisconsin and have lived in other parts of the country too. The drinking culture is intense here and it's very much a struggle to do life differently than most. But I do think things are changing, especially with Gen Z being a good influence on us older generations by not drinking as much. I hope that we can get a national tax on alcohol.
I hope you get to visit! Itās a gorgeous part of the country. Itās funny, I had a friend visit from WI last summer and we went to a big outdoor concert. At the end she was having some very real culture shock by noticing how alcohol was so much less present. No cans/trash everywhere, nobody stumbling around drunkā¦just people dancing to the music and then politely getting themselves home. LOL it hadnāt even occurred to me how very different that is compared to something like Summerfest. If you made it four years alcohol-free in WI, I believe you can do anything! Sending you lots of love and a big hug š
Hey, me too. I had a 3 day relapse after 2 months sober. Ended up in the ER and the looney bin. I'm outnow and starting therapy Monday. Never done therapy but Ill keep trying things until something works. Maybe that's something you could try if you haven't before. AA worked for about a year for me until they wanted me to start chairing. Then I freaked and relapsed.
I'm with you, the relapse sucks. I'm so sorry your husband left. I wish he understood the difficulty of it all.
Therapy definitely helps. Itās so hard to find a good therapist, though. If you donāt vibe with your new therapist, donāt rule it out altogether. Thatās my advice. š¤·š¼āāļø
I wish he understood as well. We just got a new puppy, and he left me to care for this little terrorist by myself. He has his own addiction issues (was on meth for a really long time. Heās been clean for 5 years). So youād think he would give me a little more grace.
It's tough when the people we love the most are unable to be supportive for whatever reason.
My family is pretty disappointed in me too.
You did some field research and found nothing changed, nothing new at the bottom of the bottle.
Have you considered smart recovery or dharma recovery?
You can go read my post from my latest binge early this week.
You are not alone and you are back.
Good job coming back, some never do.
Youāre right. My stepmother died from chronic alcoholism coming up on three years ago. My dad found her dead in the morning. She was 53 years old. Now my two little sisters donāt have their mother, and my dad lives alone. Youād think Iād know betterā¦
It isn't about knowing better per se- don't forget, it's an addictive substance that releases a ton of feel good chemicals in your brain.
Yes we might logically know better, but we are animals all the same and it's hard to think our way out of biochemical brain reactions.
I bet your stepmom knew better too.
Don't beat yourself up. Stack sober days and your family will hopefully, and probably come back around.
Those 4 years werenāt for nothingā¦ they still count. You caught yourself before you let it get worse. This is inspirational if anything. The details of what happened when you did relapse might make it a bit more complicated. I found out the hard way that out of 365 days in a year it only takes one day to undo it all in the eyes of some people who have been in your corner through it all.
Yes, so true! I undid all the hard work Iāve done to repair my relationship with my son. He refuses to talk to me, so Iām trying to respect that and give him his space.
As a child of abusive alcoholics who became an alcoholic himself, I can sympathize with both of you. Your son is going through peak hormones. Heās going to be as confrontational as he thinks he can get away with.
He has a right to be mad at you and disappointed. So does your husband. If I relapsed right now, I would expect my wife to go stay with someone else.
You have a right to be able to have a space to change.
All of those can be true. Too many of us take every bit of pity we can to fuel our own self-hatred. Donāt do that. I havenāt been to a meeting in years. Therapy helped me much more.
But you have to do something. If you arenāt growing as a person, you **will** backslide in to old habits.
Youāre going to have to show him, one day at a time, that youāre going to keep growing.
Iām sorry youāre in pain, but also, no one is coming to save you from yourself. You have to find some program/method/treatment/protocol (pick your fancy word) to combat the alcoholism. Itās not going to just go away.
I believe in you! I will not drink with you today. You arenāt alone.
I can tell 100% you are now back in recovery because of your posts and responses. Turn this day into another day and another, and youāre on your way. You are NOT the person now that you were before your binge. Remember that. You can forgive and love that person you were, but you are not that person today. Today you are changed and that change will take you forward.
Stay strong. Your son and your husband are doing what they think is best for them. Iām sure theyāve both been hurt in the past and the binge probably brought back some negative emotions for them. Just focus on your self and not drinking and hopefully theyāll forgive you again. IWNDWYT
It is indeed a new day, and look at you - you reached out here to share your relapse and get support from the good people of this sub. I feel the same about AA, it just is not a good format for me personally.
It is a new day and another chance to move forward.
IWNDWYT
Hey! Okay, I did the same thing, only I went for 5 days in December. I was super depressed, things were going wrong and the holidays always make me feel some sort of way.
I realized that as shit as things were, drinking wasnāt going to make it better. I didnāt restart my counter, because for me it was easier to think about it as so many days minus five.
Put the bottle down, give it time, and try to be easy on yourself. The thing that scared me was using my relapse as an excuse to say āfuck it allā any time Iām having a hard timeā¦but so far so good. You can control your life, youāve got this. Pick back up where you left off and understand that youāre human, and that alcohol can only make it all worse.
I relapsed after three years with the same, three day binge. That was three years ago, and I havenāt had a drink since then. Sometimes we mess up, but we just have to keep going. Iām sorry, because I can imagine how youāre feeling today. Luckily, today is today, and all of that shit that happened was yesterday. All you can do is dust yourself off, give yourself a hug, and remember that no one is perfect (like literally no one). Some sincere, heart to heart conversations may be in order, just please donāt hate yourself. You have to be your own best friend. Weāre all in this together. IWNDWYT.
AA isn't for everyone, myself included. Have you ever considered trying Naltrexone? It has changed my life. I'm 1 year sober today because of that medication.
I canāt take it because Iām on Suboxone. My doctor prescribed me acamprosate, but it made me very depressed which kind of ironically led to my relapse. I saw her yesterday, and now she wants me to start Topomax.
Proud of you for coming back. You can do it! I have relapsed a million times and I know the sadness of this feeling. You are not alone. I have never had 4 consecutive years before and I am so impressed. You are so strong! Keep going :)
Hi, can I gift you my shame slayer? Itās called know better do better. I found I had a period of evidence gathering where I tried all the things, but ultimately the answer became ānot even oneā. Because after one it just ignited the beast. So I tried switching drinks, not buying scotch, only drinking gin, not drinking wineā¦ all pointless. But I had to learn the hard way. I hope the horror is wearing off, and the line in the sand is now clear as to what you want. Hugsš
You're here, which is a start. We can fall down and screw up but we always have a choice to get back up and try again.
I think giving it time is a great idea. Being sober for the better part of four years is huge. I've never done that. Be kind to yourself. All you can do is your best.
I get it, the shame and disgust can feel overwhelming but you will do this. It happens but thank goodness you recognize and are taking the steps needed to get healthy. Hopefully we see you here often, IWNDWYT
Have you read the "Demons on the boat" metaphor? It describes substance abuse so well. Turn your boat back around. You already know which way to go, and don't let one mistake take away from the 4 years of hard work you obviously put in. You're not a bad person, you just have a bad problem. Best to you.
[https://www.bfwh.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Demons-On-The-Boat.pdf](https://www.bfwh.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Demons-On-The-Boat.pdf)
I donāt find living in the shame shed to be productive. I feel so bad that I start saying to myself that if Iām a piece of shit I might as well drink. Try focusing on the positive aspects of not drinking. Nobody works well while beating themselves or being beaten.
Iām sorry, I know thatās rough. Thereās other support groups that arenāt AA, like smart recovery. Not sure if they all trigger you but of course, here is also safe. Sometimes it just helps to have multiple options available. Theyāre upset now but give it time. Weāre all suffering the human condition so hopefully they have some grace for you. Get through the anxiety of today, tomorrow will feel better (physiologically at least).
I've been in that boat. Being crushed by guilt and letting that control my emotions to the point of self destruction.
Forgive and be easy on yourself. Stay here awhile. I hope you can find the strength to stay sober and carry on even just for today. Regardless of what happened, there's usually a chance to rebuild what you think you've destroyed.
I'm embarking on that journey myself this weekend. Trying to salvage a relationship in disrepair for far too long.
Stay strong amigo.
It took me a while to find a meeting that vibed with me. There are a lot of Recovery meetings that aren't AA that are totally valid, and even other fellowships that aren't about alcohol specifically. Addiction is addiction, no matter the "drug." Part of finding sobriety is sifting through the pain of what brought you here. It gets better.
It's ok. You are human. You can turn this around. Just take it one day at a time. Try not to beat yourself up too much because you had 4 years sober and that is quite an accomplishment.
There's a reason why people say relapsing is a part of the process. If you are a true addict the chance of a relapse are incredibly high but it's what you do when they happen to recover that's important. Use this example when you think about drinking again and remember the damage and destruction caused by your drinking to motivate you not to drink again. Those 4 years may feel like they have been wasted but they haven't as it proves that you can live a life without alcohol you just need to remember you will never stop being a addict and unfortunately every single day for the rest of your life you will need to keep fighting this disease. Take this L put it under your belt and use it to grow stronger than ever before. You have got this!
I was forced to wear an alcohol bracelet for a year where if i drank at all i went to jail. Didn't help me not drink because when they took it off i started again.
I don't like to sit in AA either and also came to this sub.
It seems you don't stop if someone makes you stop, you only really stop if you want to.
Iām SO lucky I did not get pulled over. I had NO business driving. Iām so disgusted with myself. I ABHOR drinking and driving but somehow did what I absolutely hate.
Iām sorry for your relapse and its consequences however great job coming back here. And you had FOUR years which is a LOT! All we can do is keep walking the walk and hopefullyā¦usually those that love us will see our efforts. IWNDWYT ā¤ļø
Way to come back. Some people donāt. Iām not into AA either but there are a few other groups you can try if you are interested ā¦ SMART recovery, recovery dharma. š¤·š»āāļøšš
All you can do is forgive yourself under the condition you will do your best going forward.
Actions above all else.
You had a lot of time under your belt, or whatever holds your pants up.
You know you messed up. Itās a heck of a lot easier to start there instead of āI dunno what I did wrongā
Donāt beat yourself up too much. Just start again.
Don't beat yourself up too much, just focus on the work you need to do to become the person you want to be. This is not a linear path and as they say, fall down 9 times but get up 10. Just don't stop trying. Sending you love and light
I quit July of 2020, relapsed on a vacation in December of 2023, and again this February. in that (roughly) 1,340 days sober, I was *unsober* for a total of 3 weeks. donāt beat yourself up too much. this will pass and you can start right back over with much more confidence in your ability to live a sober life. when you first started, you had no idea what to do, now you do.
grab life by the balls and keep goingā¦ youāve got this!
I was sober 14 years and drank again. Shame and guilt over that kept me drinking off and on for the next 10 years. I went back to AA and just picked up my year chip. The path to sobriety is not a straight line. I had to realize that to lighten up on myself. Your sober time was not wasted because you prolly learned a lot about yourself. (I know I did!)
Break it down into one day at a time. I can do that but not if I think I can never drink again for the rest of my entire life. You got this today!
Iāve relapsed multiple times! Donāt think of it as time lost! Itās all about the combination of how many days clean vs using. Your efforts are still courageous and better than 99% of people who try.
Iām sure your family will forgive you over time. Next time you feel tempted, use this experience as fuel to say no, not today!
As someone mentioned. AIM for progress not perfection. Just because you relapsed doesnāt mean you forgot everything you learned and experienced before hand. Grab on to that knowledge and build from there. You got this!
You have 4 years of practice and experience, so what if you fell off for 3 days? Now your back. It was just a little detour on the road. Right now, focus on yourself and getting back on track. You need to re-earn trust again and the best way to do that is by doing the work. If AA isn't for you, why not try something else. I personally love SMART Recovery, because it's a science based approach. We use a lot of CBT and DBT tools.
Sometimes it be like that - see it as a failed experiment that you don't need to repeat.
Not much else to do but dust yourself off and stand up and move forward.
I understand the stuff about AA but maybe see if there is a therapist or mental health professional you can talk to ? Even call a 1-800 number to just help process.
AA triggered me and made me veeery uncomfortable. But thatās because it was what I knew I had to do and the pressure to actually do it made me avoid it like the plague. Your situation sounds pretty severe right now. Bite the bullet and attend a meeting hun
I totally get it if you don't like AA, but I do think that IRL group meetings are extremely beneficial. There's so much more out there than AA these days. Personally Refuge Recovery resonated with me the most, but I also thought that SMART was very decent and LifeRing was super cool. If I were in your shoes I think I'd give it a shot.
Good luck to you. This shit sucks.
I have enough white chips to wallpaper my bathroom. I suspect the majority of us have relapsed. Please don't beat yourself up. Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. All I/we can do it try not to drink before I go to bed tonight.
Henry Ford filed for bankruptcy 5 times before he got it right. Failure can be a learning tool. Get back on the horse my friend. Good luck!!!
I just relapsed after 3 months. Completely embarrassed. I had to do a medical detox and one of my friends was very unkind. My other friends and the people at the clinic were so supportive. In fact, it was the first time I hadnāt felt alone in a long time. Forgive yourself. This is an addiction and we are accountable for it and the work we have to put in, but you are not alone. You have to forgive yourself to move forward.
Welcome back. Look, AA isnāt for everyone. The most important thing for me was keeping sobriety as my main focus whenever I hit a rough patch. It became my hobby, my workout, my second job. SMART Recovery was helpful for guidelines, exercises, and a place to talk with people struggling with the same issues. You may want to look into it. Yeah, you messed up. Remember this embarrassment the next time you feel a craving and consider how better it feels to not need to apologize to your kid. Good luck, and of course, IWNDWYT.
My parents were both violent alcoholics. I was often left alone with them to referee their fights. At the age of 10. I never completely forgave them because the never stopped drinking. You should have some trust built up with your 13 year old. Build on it. Its not a sprint but a marathon.
I'm glad you're here and encourage you to be proud of coming back and to give yourself a little grace. We are--none of us-- perfect. Recovery Dharma has chapters all over-- an alternative that could be supportive. Regardless, you're not alone and you're moving forward and getting back to the business of real living. That's everything. ā„ļø
You didn't lose the time you were in recovery. I quit hundreds of times til I found the way.
You can get back on the horse. Ask for help, too, you don't have to do everything alone
I think your family should show you a little more compassion but they are probably scared, and they probably don't understand how difficult addiction actually is.
Relapse is totally normal and a part of the process. Don't beat yourself up too much, that's not going to help at all. You're doing the best you can and you've done pretty damn good in my book!
Take the experience and learn from it and figure out what triggered you, and figure out how to not let that happen again. You got this.
Be kind to yourself. Four years is pretty good, you still have all that time Sober. Don't discount it. Also, you might want to take a look at how you were feeling right before the relapse; any unusual stress? Have a plan to deal with that stress differently the next time it shows up.
Remember that although you can't wind the tape back to before your relapse you can do wind it forward to a future when you are sober. And that future starts now.
IWNDWYT
A true loss would be if you were still drinking and couldn't admit the mistake. You stayed sober before and you can do it again. Proud of you for opening up about it. Relationships can heal given time. Don't give up. If you kept drinking you'd have no hope, but as it stands, you have more hope without it!
Four years is nothing to sneeze at. You're doing the best you know how. And you're learning all the time. And you're still trying. We're human. We're not perfect. At least I'm not. I'm doing the best I can too. I fail at things every single day. What are you gonna do? Seriously. That's what I ask myself. What are you gonna do Willie?
Please don't let the shame or embarrassment overwhelm you.. that has caused me to fall deeper into the hole in the past. It takes immense courage to get back on your feet and try again! I believe in you! :)
"Nana korobi, ya oki" is a Japanese proverb of hope and persistence. "Fall down seven times; get up eight."
You might consider some of the other community recovery groups. There are some that are secular, others focus on fitness activities.
Good luck with your continuing journey!
Iāve found great relief in LifeRing. It encourages cross-talk and celebrating the wins of the sober self instead of the shame of the drinking self. Itās much more like a conversation and thereās no labeling anyone as āaddictā or āalcoholicā.
What I know is that I wasnāt able to quit drinking for good until I found sober community *and* started looking deeply at why I drank. Those hurts didnāt go away because Iām sober now. Iām headed into probably several years of really deep therapy facilitated, or at least initiated, by the 12 steps. I also have issues with AA and am apprehensive about doing it, but healing is more important at this point than letting myself stay in the same patterns that will lead me back to drinking.
Congrats on 4 years, I almost have a year and lately I've been killing for a beer. I didn't think about drinking for 9 months but I had a miscarriage and I've been spiraling. I quit my toxic job and had a minor surgery done and I've just been literally chilling recovering mentally and physically for the past few weeks. Crying, working out, taking walks, Journaling more Crying and enjoying time at home. If it weren't for my new obsession with getting pregnant again, I'd probably be on a bender too. We're going keep trying for a few more months, pray for meš„²š
One recommendation that sticks with me is writing a journal or note to yourself about how you are feeling right now. It's just for yourself and you don't have to share it with anyone.
Relapse isnāt to be excused, but itās an incredibly common part of recovery. Try to forgive yourself and also learn from what happened. If you learn and gain awareness from what happened, then it wasnāt for nothing. You didnāt lose any sober time. You still have that time and all you have learned from it. You arenāt starting from scratch. If you are on a 1000 mile road trip, and make a wrong turn halfway through and go 25 miles the wrong way, you donāt have to go all the way back home and start over; you just turn around and get back on the right road.
Since you arenāt into AA (me either) I recommend trying Recovery Dharma and Refuge Recovery. They are Buddhist inspired groups but donāt require a higher power or admitting that you are completely powerless. They have a lot of online meetings, too. I do believe that community support and connection is important to staying sober, but there are other options than AA if it isnāt for you. Sending love.
I think it was a number of things. Iām very unhappy with my job, and Iām having issues in my marriage. Soā¦ I mean thereās a little bit more to it but thatās the long and short of it.
Thanks for the reply. I have found SMART recovery meetings very helpful. I use the app and do them on zoom. We have all fallen, youāre not alone, and I wish you well.
Wow, congrats on 4 years of getting your mind and body healthy.
I white knuckled through times of sobriety for sometimes months and one time a year. It was always a struggle though, and the last time I drank, I knew I was giving it up for good and went on a 3 day binge of everything I thought I was going to miss. What a mistake!!!
I am almost through the legal aspects of the
.23 dui now, March 25th is the 3 year anniversary from that insidious molecule, I really shouldn't have finished that fifth of Smirnoff vodka when I was being kicked out of the hotel during covid at noon, but I digress! They kicked me out because I was a drunken mess!
I am letting the past be the past and taking responsibility for my actions. Life Ring's triple S was a great discovery for me. It helped and is helping me understand the traumas that I was using alcohol to hide from.
No more white knuckles here. IWNDWYT, thankfully. There are 2 parts of AA that did help me as well though, they are:
1. Abstain one day at a time, and
2. I am powerless over alcohol, I can't drink just one, my beast takes over after a little bit.
Good luck to you!
Awesome job coming back here! All we have is today!
Thank you! š
SMART recovery is great for me. I do all meetings on zoom
So you drank 3 days out of 1460ish. No shame in restarting the clock. Get another day today. Hang in there. IWNDWYT.
strive for progress not perfection
Love the name. Smashing Violet all the time. Brother plays too.
Video games / board games helped me so much when I started getting sober. This was 2015 and Settlers of Catan was huuuuge.
I wish I had more Catan friends :-(
I needed to hear this today. Thank you.
0.2% of the days.
No *need* to restart the clock. Those sober days donāt magically disappear just because you had a drink.
Yes, I feel very strongly about this. AF āstreaksā are amazing, but it is NOT the only marker of success. Not drinking for 4 years is nothing short of phenomenal. Those days are *not* lost. I do like that streaks are acknowledged, but I think they can sometimes hinder us if a slip up happens and it feels pointless or too overwhelming to āstart again.ā Itās really not starting over. Itās a continuation. OP, Iām rooting for you. Youāve done 4 years, which is insanity. So great. You can do this!
Today is a new day. Keep your head up. Donāt drink today, that is a good place to start.
Thank you.
Hi. Glad youāre here. Hope the you and family are able to put this small incident into the wider perspective of your accomplishment so far. Youāre ok.
Thank you. I feel horrible letting my son down. He has a lot of trauma due to my drinking in the past, and I have been rebuilding my life and my relationship with him. I just have so much guilt. Itās hard to manage. I hope my husband comes back.
All you can do now is not drink today. Rebuilding trust will take time. Donāt get too discouraged. Iāve never made it 4 years (yet) at a time.
I hope he comes back, too, IF he can come back and be a help and not a hindrance to you!
I am proud of you. It takes a lot of strength to get back here. Four years is a big accomplishment. Show yourself some grace and kindness. Sending you a big hug and I will not be drinking with you today. š«¶
Thank you so much. ā¤ļø Pretty much everyone in my life is angry with me right now, so I appreciate the kind words very much.
The problem is that normal drinkers or non-drinkers cannot understand it no matter how hard they might try. They can't comprehend the addiction, and that's just not their fault. I was addicted to booze pretty badly, and many of those around me just thought I was a fuck-up and that I was choosing to be a fuck-up. While I take total responsibility for everything I've ever done, I certainly wasn't deciding to screw up. It was something beyond my control. I think, and everyone else agrees that consistent change of behavior is the best apology. If I were you, I'd apologize not expecting any kind of acceptance of that, and then show them that I mean it by really changing. That's all we can really do. I certainly empathize with you as I know what it feels like. I wish you the best.
Or they choose not to. My ex is a 3 x's a day weed smoker since early hs, but says, "Just have one." You have done it before, OP. You can do it again. I hope everyone and you, yourself can forgive and move past this.
Honestly, I just don't know if someone who has never been an alcoholic can really understand what it's like to be addicted to alcohol. Like, with weed we can have some psychological addictions where one feels like they, "need," it to get through the day, but with booze there's also a physical addiction that's very real. People get the shakes, they are hungover as hell until they have the hair of the dog, and many other signs of both physical and psychological addiction. For those that haven't been through all that, I think it's very difficult to understand why someone would continue to drink even though their lives are falling apart around them. To these people, it just appears that the drinker doesn't give a shit about how their drinking is affecting others, yet inside most people feel absolutely terrible about it, but can't figure out how to stop even though they want to so badly.
What did you do to get through those 4 years? Do more of that. Buy some books, listen to some podcasts. AA wasnāt for me either, but there are tons of other resources out there (I recommend Sober Awkward if you like a good podcast). Find ways to show your husband and son that youāre making an effort to ensure that you donāt go back to your old ways. Giving it time is nice, but if I were them Iād want to know that you were aware of exactly how serious your slip up is. And of course, be kind to yourself. Youāre a badass for making it 4 years. Weāre alcoholics for life, and mistakes happen. What you do after the mistake is whatās important.
Thank you. I will definitely check out the podcast. I really just stayed sober by being so disgusted with myself and having my son and husband to be accountable to. Iām from Wisconsin, so drinking is so common here and with a bar/liquor store on every corner Iāve had to white knuckle it a lot of the time. I started after work Tuesday and didnāt stop until yesterday.
Just want to weigh in because I saw you say being disgusted with yourself is what was keeping you sober. I understand those feelings well but if you have been punishing yourself for years Iām not surprised you reached a breaking point ā¹ļø I bet if I told you about my previous experiences you would respond with kindness to me, not disgust. Try and treat yourself with that grace and forgiveness. You have clearly been trying so hard. Maybe try and reframe your mindset this time around - you arenāt doing this out of disgust, but out of love for yourself and your family! You deserve it.
Thank you. I didnāt think of it that way. I appreciate it. ā¤ļø
Yes, to that! As I've been lurking on this site and on zoom AA meetings, I've been trying to figure out why it it is so comforting to know that others have just as hard of a time with this as I do. My therapist says I shouldn't overthink it (too late!). If it's comforting and helpful, just go with it. I don't buy the misery loves company theory on this. I think what it really comes down to is what the prev responder mentioned. We keep this to ourselves (and from those close to us in life) and feel like monsters. We hear others, strangers express the same and we give them grace. We don't think of them as monsters, we understand where they are coming from, how hard they're struggling, how much they've accomplished, how human they are. And part of us, consciously or not, knows that, logically, this must apply to us too. Like others mentioned, I have never gone 4 yrs. I only made it past 24 hrs recently. You've done so much, you cannot discount that.
This is very good advice. Donāt be so hard on yourself, treat yourself with love. Be proud of the four years you were sober. In my experience the guilt and shame only makes me want to drink more. Those are normal feelings but itās important not to hold onto them
Well said. šš¼
2.5 days.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I need to formulate a plan. Iām going to try a SMART Recovery meeting, and a few other things people have suggested here. Iām realizing that WANTING to be sober does not equal sobriety. I need help. Canāt do it by myself.
I find SMART to be much more helpful than AA in that the actionable items are more concrete
I like refuge recovery. Buddhist principals, no Jesus talk
That realization puts you ahead of the game!
This comment has been removed. Please do not tell other people whether or not they will be able to stay sober.
Living in shame, mom guilt, disgust is a hard way to not drink. (I am not sober, I am abstaining).. It has taken a hard 2 years of binge drinking once a month (with many more years of problem drinking) and a year of changing my relationship with alcohol. I have a drink now and again but I have boundries. It was these boundries that I set with alcohol, people and really seeing the bad habbits I had with how to cope. This is not for everyone. I have used science based smart recovery and other (non abstinence exclusive) tools to make real change. Therapy also has been a great tool. Knowing why you do what you do so you can recognize it and change the behavior. I had a hard time with AA and the can't drink approach only made me feal somehow left out, or broken. A year ago I was literally you. But I was in the ER after about a week long binge during which my family had left because they deserved better (I deserved better too). My kids were 10 and 15 at the time. They all came back. But I didn't make empty promises. They were gone a month and only came back when I felt we were ready to be better as a family. They almost didn't come back, and they only did when they saw in me a person they couldn't or didn't want to be without.
How did you go about repairing your family? My husband left, turned off his location, and refuses to answer any calls or texts. My son wonāt speak to me until I go to therapy. Right now itās just me and my puppy, and Iām trying just to get through each day. Iāve had a panic attack this morning, but Iām feeling a bit better now. Iām leaving for work shortly, and Iām hoping that will help me feel more human. Thanks so much for your kind words. š
It took time and real progress. They were all gone. I was alone sleeping on the floor because I was too hungover sick to change my sheets. First week he brought the dog back to keep me company. Then husband came by in the evenings to talk. Talking became planning, plans into doing. We had some date nights. The kids came to wish me happy mothers day and we had dinner. Then counseling was going well and we decided I didn't need to go to inpatient care. Kids came home and we continue to work on being good to eachother and making life better for all. ( I was a cronic do it all-er) Its a huge trigger for me when I get so overwhelmed because I take on too much and don't ask for help. Then get frustrated that no one is helping me. Finding what was making me drink,making life more manageable so I don't get overwelmed, asking for help, admitting to family when I am stuggling mentally, FINDING NEW COPING SKILLS. this was bug for me. I had a big loss in my early 20s and spent alot of time in a bottle. I never learned how to cooe any other way. And now that I have it is so much better. MINDFULNESS, lieing to yourself only goes so far for so long until the well is dry and your dieing of thirst and have no tools to find water. The water and the well are important but the tools are what will sustain you.
You haven't lost until you stop trying.
All you can do is acknowledge it and move on. You canāt change the past. Be remorseful. Know your mistakes donāt define you. You did 4 years of sobriety. You can continue. I donāt do AA either. Same thing for me. I hate hearing the one upper stories on who was the biggest baddest drinker there ever was. Fuck that. Find your peace your way. Remove the stress. Be with yourself.
I appreciate that a lot. Thank you.
Iāve learned I canāt do anything to undo a relapse, however I control the response to one.
That record is beyond impressive. Iām going on day 5 now for the first time in 9 years and youāre an inspiration. IWNDWYT.
Thank you! ā¤ļø
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wowā¦thank you. Just thank you. So much. ā¤ļø
As others have said, today is a new day. We are human, we make mistakes. Owning our mistakes and learning from them, doing better is how we grow. Sending you love. IWNDWYT
I have been to a SMART recovery meeting as I also do not find AA helpful. It is skills based and meetings are available online.
Seconding the smart recommendation. Their app is really useful and Iāve found the meetings help a lot. Very different vibe from AA. If youāre feeling nervous or too exposed, you can attend a virtual one with mic and camera off and just listen.
Iām doing that at 12:30 today. Thanks so much.
I really have enjoyed SMART! I ordered the workbook off Amazon. At first it felt cheesy to fill out the work sheets but holy moly. .it's made something click for me. I didn't want to do anything religion based. SMART is science based and some of the points they make really hit home. Good luck at your meeting today! If you have time try to read up on SMART before it starts. The first one I attended online before my workbook arrived left me feeling like I was out of the loop. Congrats on 4 years! Mistakes happen, what matters most is that you are back on track š
Thank you! I appreciate that! I will definitely do some research. Thanks for the heads up! š«¶š»
Yes! I have been attending SMART meetings online for the past two weeks.Ā It's really great. Takes a bit to find meetings you mesh with (for example, I don't like the huge "national" meetings. But the smaller, location based ones have been great). You don't even have to talk if you don't want to. I just listen for now.Ā Never any judgment. No one-upping stories. Just a bunch of good people and facilitators talking about the how's and why's of addictive behaviors. And how to work toward overcoming them.
I think I will check that out. Thank you!
On the AA thing - if it's not for you, it's fine. Different people IMO have different formulas for what works. You've had several years of success so likely you have a pretty good sense of what works for you. My mother as an example, has a serious alcohol use disorder, and has been able to manage it without AA. Maybe a decade now or so and counting. Full steam ahead, I'm sure you can do it, as you've already shown with a multi year success story. Don't let one fuck up undermine that success.
Thanks. One day at a time. Thatās all I can do.
Weāre so happy youāre here!
Thank you!
You screwed up but you've been sober before so you know you can do it again. AA isn't your only option, I've never done AA. You could look into SMART Recovery, I'm part of a Facebook group that offers meetings but they aren't compulsory - there are other options. As you said, give everything time. Remember the feeling of embarrassment that you're dealing with right now and tap into that if you feel the urge to drink again. IWNDWYT
I just relapsed myself recently after a year and 3 months. 4 years is so impressive! I know that god awful feeling after relapsing where your brain is all out of whack and you feel incredibly depressed. Give it a week and youāll slowly crawl out of that hole. Things will get better! I believe in you!
Thank you! I keep on telling myself I will feel ānormalā again. ā¤ļø
Iām only 11 days into this new life, but Iāve been reading a book called Quit Like a Woman. I highly recommend it. The author was also triggered by AA and explains why she thinks it can be an unhelpful program for women, then she gives alternative recovery advice. It has been so incredibly supportive and inspiring for my own sobriety and genuinely makes me feel excited about this change/my future (even when Iām terrified). Iām SO impressed by your 4 years. Iām from WI too and now in the PNW - sometimes I think people donāt fully grasp the intensity of WI drinking culture. It is so deeply ingrained and normalized there. You are an inspiration to me! Hang in there and be nice to yourself. You got this. IWNDWYT!
Wow thank you so much! Iāve always wanted to visit the PNW. š Thank you for understanding how hard it is to be an alcoholic in Wisconsin. ā¤ļø And also thank you so so much for your kind words, advice, and support.
I also live in Wisconsin and have lived in other parts of the country too. The drinking culture is intense here and it's very much a struggle to do life differently than most. But I do think things are changing, especially with Gen Z being a good influence on us older generations by not drinking as much. I hope that we can get a national tax on alcohol.
I hope you get to visit! Itās a gorgeous part of the country. Itās funny, I had a friend visit from WI last summer and we went to a big outdoor concert. At the end she was having some very real culture shock by noticing how alcohol was so much less present. No cans/trash everywhere, nobody stumbling around drunkā¦just people dancing to the music and then politely getting themselves home. LOL it hadnāt even occurred to me how very different that is compared to something like Summerfest. If you made it four years alcohol-free in WI, I believe you can do anything! Sending you lots of love and a big hug š
Thank you! Canāt wait until Summerfest! šš
IWNDWYT! I am impressed with how strong you are, four years. Today is so achievable in comparison.
Thank you!
It will be ok š I feel the same about AA. I have really found [The Luckiest Club](https://www.theluckiestclub.com/) helpful.
I love both of her books.š
Seriously almost 1500 days is incredible!
Thank you!!! Hit 4 years back on February 10th. I'd say I can't believe it, but I'm actually doing it! You are incredible too, my friend!
You are not alone friend. Progress not perfection hun
Thank you. I needed to hear that.
Hey, me too. I had a 3 day relapse after 2 months sober. Ended up in the ER and the looney bin. I'm outnow and starting therapy Monday. Never done therapy but Ill keep trying things until something works. Maybe that's something you could try if you haven't before. AA worked for about a year for me until they wanted me to start chairing. Then I freaked and relapsed. I'm with you, the relapse sucks. I'm so sorry your husband left. I wish he understood the difficulty of it all.
Therapy definitely helps. Itās so hard to find a good therapist, though. If you donāt vibe with your new therapist, donāt rule it out altogether. Thatās my advice. š¤·š¼āāļø I wish he understood as well. We just got a new puppy, and he left me to care for this little terrorist by myself. He has his own addiction issues (was on meth for a really long time. Heās been clean for 5 years). So youād think he would give me a little more grace.
It's tough when the people we love the most are unable to be supportive for whatever reason. My family is pretty disappointed in me too. You did some field research and found nothing changed, nothing new at the bottom of the bottle. Have you considered smart recovery or dharma recovery? You can go read my post from my latest binge early this week. You are not alone and you are back. Good job coming back, some never do.
Youāre right. My stepmother died from chronic alcoholism coming up on three years ago. My dad found her dead in the morning. She was 53 years old. Now my two little sisters donāt have their mother, and my dad lives alone. Youād think Iād know betterā¦
It isn't about knowing better per se- don't forget, it's an addictive substance that releases a ton of feel good chemicals in your brain. Yes we might logically know better, but we are animals all the same and it's hard to think our way out of biochemical brain reactions. I bet your stepmom knew better too. Don't beat yourself up. Stack sober days and your family will hopefully, and probably come back around.
Thank you. ā¤ļø
You DO know better, or you wouldn't be here!
Those 4 years werenāt for nothingā¦ they still count. You caught yourself before you let it get worse. This is inspirational if anything. The details of what happened when you did relapse might make it a bit more complicated. I found out the hard way that out of 365 days in a year it only takes one day to undo it all in the eyes of some people who have been in your corner through it all.
Yes, so true! I undid all the hard work Iāve done to repair my relationship with my son. He refuses to talk to me, so Iām trying to respect that and give him his space.
As a child of abusive alcoholics who became an alcoholic himself, I can sympathize with both of you. Your son is going through peak hormones. Heās going to be as confrontational as he thinks he can get away with. He has a right to be mad at you and disappointed. So does your husband. If I relapsed right now, I would expect my wife to go stay with someone else. You have a right to be able to have a space to change. All of those can be true. Too many of us take every bit of pity we can to fuel our own self-hatred. Donāt do that. I havenāt been to a meeting in years. Therapy helped me much more. But you have to do something. If you arenāt growing as a person, you **will** backslide in to old habits. Youāre going to have to show him, one day at a time, that youāre going to keep growing. Iām sorry youāre in pain, but also, no one is coming to save you from yourself. You have to find some program/method/treatment/protocol (pick your fancy word) to combat the alcoholism. Itās not going to just go away. I believe in you! I will not drink with you today. You arenāt alone.
Thank you. I think thatās what I learned from all this. I need to do SOMETHING. I canāt stay sober on my own. I really appreciate your insight.
I can tell 100% you are now back in recovery because of your posts and responses. Turn this day into another day and another, and youāre on your way. You are NOT the person now that you were before your binge. Remember that. You can forgive and love that person you were, but you are not that person today. Today you are changed and that change will take you forward.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me feel better. ā¤ļø
Now you know it wasnāt worth it! You still have all that progress you made in the past 4 years!
Stay strong. Your son and your husband are doing what they think is best for them. Iām sure theyāve both been hurt in the past and the binge probably brought back some negative emotions for them. Just focus on your self and not drinking and hopefully theyāll forgive you again. IWNDWYT
It is indeed a new day, and look at you - you reached out here to share your relapse and get support from the good people of this sub. I feel the same about AA, it just is not a good format for me personally. It is a new day and another chance to move forward. IWNDWYT
Thanks! This sub really helped me get through today. All of these kind words and support mean a lot. ā¤ļø
Hey! Okay, I did the same thing, only I went for 5 days in December. I was super depressed, things were going wrong and the holidays always make me feel some sort of way. I realized that as shit as things were, drinking wasnāt going to make it better. I didnāt restart my counter, because for me it was easier to think about it as so many days minus five. Put the bottle down, give it time, and try to be easy on yourself. The thing that scared me was using my relapse as an excuse to say āfuck it allā any time Iām having a hard timeā¦but so far so good. You can control your life, youāve got this. Pick back up where you left off and understand that youāre human, and that alcohol can only make it all worse.
I relapsed after three years with the same, three day binge. That was three years ago, and I havenāt had a drink since then. Sometimes we mess up, but we just have to keep going. Iām sorry, because I can imagine how youāre feeling today. Luckily, today is today, and all of that shit that happened was yesterday. All you can do is dust yourself off, give yourself a hug, and remember that no one is perfect (like literally no one). Some sincere, heart to heart conversations may be in order, just please donāt hate yourself. You have to be your own best friend. Weāre all in this together. IWNDWYT.
*almost three years ago. Forgot a word.
AA wasnāt for me, but Recovery Dharma works. Much more positive crowd.
AA isn't for everyone, myself included. Have you ever considered trying Naltrexone? It has changed my life. I'm 1 year sober today because of that medication.
I canāt take it because Iām on Suboxone. My doctor prescribed me acamprosate, but it made me very depressed which kind of ironically led to my relapse. I saw her yesterday, and now she wants me to start Topomax.
Well I wish all the best!
Second best relapse is a short relapse! Welcome back!
Thank you! š
Proud of you for coming back. You can do it! I have relapsed a million times and I know the sadness of this feeling. You are not alone. I have never had 4 consecutive years before and I am so impressed. You are so strong! Keep going :)
Thank you! š
Hi, can I gift you my shame slayer? Itās called know better do better. I found I had a period of evidence gathering where I tried all the things, but ultimately the answer became ānot even oneā. Because after one it just ignited the beast. So I tried switching drinks, not buying scotch, only drinking gin, not drinking wineā¦ all pointless. But I had to learn the hard way. I hope the horror is wearing off, and the line in the sand is now clear as to what you want. Hugsš
Thank you thank you thank you! ā¤ļø
IWNDWYT, friend. It's a new day and we can always move forward. Even if it's teeny tiny baby steps right now. You got this.
IWNDWYT
You're here, which is a start. We can fall down and screw up but we always have a choice to get back up and try again. I think giving it time is a great idea. Being sober for the better part of four years is huge. I've never done that. Be kind to yourself. All you can do is your best.
Don't beat yourself up, just use this moment to reflect and grow.
I get it, the shame and disgust can feel overwhelming but you will do this. It happens but thank goodness you recognize and are taking the steps needed to get healthy. Hopefully we see you here often, IWNDWYT
Welcome back! IWNDWYT
Own it, move forward, and do better.
Have you read the "Demons on the boat" metaphor? It describes substance abuse so well. Turn your boat back around. You already know which way to go, and don't let one mistake take away from the 4 years of hard work you obviously put in. You're not a bad person, you just have a bad problem. Best to you. [https://www.bfwh.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Demons-On-The-Boat.pdf](https://www.bfwh.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Demons-On-The-Boat.pdf)
I donāt find living in the shame shed to be productive. I feel so bad that I start saying to myself that if Iām a piece of shit I might as well drink. Try focusing on the positive aspects of not drinking. Nobody works well while beating themselves or being beaten.
Iām sorry, I know thatās rough. Thereās other support groups that arenāt AA, like smart recovery. Not sure if they all trigger you but of course, here is also safe. Sometimes it just helps to have multiple options available. Theyāre upset now but give it time. Weāre all suffering the human condition so hopefully they have some grace for you. Get through the anxiety of today, tomorrow will feel better (physiologically at least).
I've been in that boat. Being crushed by guilt and letting that control my emotions to the point of self destruction. Forgive and be easy on yourself. Stay here awhile. I hope you can find the strength to stay sober and carry on even just for today. Regardless of what happened, there's usually a chance to rebuild what you think you've destroyed. I'm embarking on that journey myself this weekend. Trying to salvage a relationship in disrepair for far too long. Stay strong amigo.
Really appreciate that. Hope you stay strong as well. My best wishes to you. ā¤ļø
It took me a while to find a meeting that vibed with me. There are a lot of Recovery meetings that aren't AA that are totally valid, and even other fellowships that aren't about alcohol specifically. Addiction is addiction, no matter the "drug." Part of finding sobriety is sifting through the pain of what brought you here. It gets better.
It's ok. You are human. You can turn this around. Just take it one day at a time. Try not to beat yourself up too much because you had 4 years sober and that is quite an accomplishment.
Thanks! I feel horrible. Just trying to get through the day. You guys are helping me out so much. Iām glad I posted.
May I ask why is AA triggers and makes you depressed?
I just donāt find it helpful. Plus, they ask for absolute sobriety, and I smoke weed.
There's a reason why people say relapsing is a part of the process. If you are a true addict the chance of a relapse are incredibly high but it's what you do when they happen to recover that's important. Use this example when you think about drinking again and remember the damage and destruction caused by your drinking to motivate you not to drink again. Those 4 years may feel like they have been wasted but they haven't as it proves that you can live a life without alcohol you just need to remember you will never stop being a addict and unfortunately every single day for the rest of your life you will need to keep fighting this disease. Take this L put it under your belt and use it to grow stronger than ever before. You have got this!
I was forced to wear an alcohol bracelet for a year where if i drank at all i went to jail. Didn't help me not drink because when they took it off i started again. I don't like to sit in AA either and also came to this sub. It seems you don't stop if someone makes you stop, you only really stop if you want to.
Iām SO lucky I did not get pulled over. I had NO business driving. Iām so disgusted with myself. I ABHOR drinking and driving but somehow did what I absolutely hate.
Iām sorry for your relapse and its consequences however great job coming back here. And you had FOUR years which is a LOT! All we can do is keep walking the walk and hopefullyā¦usually those that love us will see our efforts. IWNDWYT ā¤ļø
Way to come back. Some people donāt. Iām not into AA either but there are a few other groups you can try if you are interested ā¦ SMART recovery, recovery dharma. š¤·š»āāļøšš
Thanks! Recovery Dharma seems like it could be good! Iām doing lots of research. Thank you so much! š
Absolutely! Iām so glad youāre back!!
No need to be embarrassed Falling off the horse can happen to any of us Just get back on, that's all that matters!
Welcome back. Itās a new day ..IWDWYT
All you can do is forgive yourself under the condition you will do your best going forward. Actions above all else. You had a lot of time under your belt, or whatever holds your pants up. You know you messed up. Itās a heck of a lot easier to start there instead of āI dunno what I did wrongā Donāt beat yourself up too much. Just start again.
Glad youāre back. Just keep proving to them that youāll do better.
Don't beat yourself up too much, just focus on the work you need to do to become the person you want to be. This is not a linear path and as they say, fall down 9 times but get up 10. Just don't stop trying. Sending you love and light
Thank you! šā¤ļø
Iāve learned to talk to myself like Iām talking to my best friend. Put the bat down, and just donāt pick up that first drink!
I quit July of 2020, relapsed on a vacation in December of 2023, and again this February. in that (roughly) 1,340 days sober, I was *unsober* for a total of 3 weeks. donāt beat yourself up too much. this will pass and you can start right back over with much more confidence in your ability to live a sober life. when you first started, you had no idea what to do, now you do. grab life by the balls and keep goingā¦ youāve got this!
Thank you! š
I was sober 14 years and drank again. Shame and guilt over that kept me drinking off and on for the next 10 years. I went back to AA and just picked up my year chip. The path to sobriety is not a straight line. I had to realize that to lighten up on myself. Your sober time was not wasted because you prolly learned a lot about yourself. (I know I did!) Break it down into one day at a time. I can do that but not if I think I can never drink again for the rest of my entire life. You got this today!
Iāve relapsed multiple times! Donāt think of it as time lost! Itās all about the combination of how many days clean vs using. Your efforts are still courageous and better than 99% of people who try. Iām sure your family will forgive you over time. Next time you feel tempted, use this experience as fuel to say no, not today!
As someone mentioned. AIM for progress not perfection. Just because you relapsed doesnāt mean you forgot everything you learned and experienced before hand. Grab on to that knowledge and build from there. You got this!
Itās okay. Keep your head up
You have 4 years of practice and experience, so what if you fell off for 3 days? Now your back. It was just a little detour on the road. Right now, focus on yourself and getting back on track. You need to re-earn trust again and the best way to do that is by doing the work. If AA isn't for you, why not try something else. I personally love SMART Recovery, because it's a science based approach. We use a lot of CBT and DBT tools.
Iām going to try a Smart Recovery meeting today. Thank you!
Im so proud of you! Itās so difficult to admit you relapsed, but youāre here, youāre not giving up. Thatās amazing
Thank you!
Prioritise yourself for the time being, try to fix the other relationships later. You need to focus on yourself for now, you deserve it
What's done is done. Welcome back.
Sometimes it be like that - see it as a failed experiment that you don't need to repeat. Not much else to do but dust yourself off and stand up and move forward. I understand the stuff about AA but maybe see if there is a therapist or mental health professional you can talk to ? Even call a 1-800 number to just help process.
AA triggered me and made me veeery uncomfortable. But thatās because it was what I knew I had to do and the pressure to actually do it made me avoid it like the plague. Your situation sounds pretty severe right now. Bite the bullet and attend a meeting hun
What triggered you? 326 days here
Four years is amazing! I binged this week too, and I literally hate myself right now! Right there with you! Hang in there!
I totally get it if you don't like AA, but I do think that IRL group meetings are extremely beneficial. There's so much more out there than AA these days. Personally Refuge Recovery resonated with me the most, but I also thought that SMART was very decent and LifeRing was super cool. If I were in your shoes I think I'd give it a shot. Good luck to you. This shit sucks.
I have enough white chips to wallpaper my bathroom. I suspect the majority of us have relapsed. Please don't beat yourself up. Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. All I/we can do it try not to drink before I go to bed tonight. Henry Ford filed for bankruptcy 5 times before he got it right. Failure can be a learning tool. Get back on the horse my friend. Good luck!!!
I just relapsed after 3 months. Completely embarrassed. I had to do a medical detox and one of my friends was very unkind. My other friends and the people at the clinic were so supportive. In fact, it was the first time I hadnāt felt alone in a long time. Forgive yourself. This is an addiction and we are accountable for it and the work we have to put in, but you are not alone. You have to forgive yourself to move forward.
So what's the plan?
Welcome back. Look, AA isnāt for everyone. The most important thing for me was keeping sobriety as my main focus whenever I hit a rough patch. It became my hobby, my workout, my second job. SMART Recovery was helpful for guidelines, exercises, and a place to talk with people struggling with the same issues. You may want to look into it. Yeah, you messed up. Remember this embarrassment the next time you feel a craving and consider how better it feels to not need to apologize to your kid. Good luck, and of course, IWNDWYT.
Sounds like you've got this.
My parents were both violent alcoholics. I was often left alone with them to referee their fights. At the age of 10. I never completely forgave them because the never stopped drinking. You should have some trust built up with your 13 year old. Build on it. Its not a sprint but a marathon.
Great going on 4 years! Those sober days are not wasted! So you know you can do it again, youĀ“ve done it before!
Keep your head up! You got this! IWNDWYT
This is an illness. Your family must understand it too.
You did it once and you will be able to do it again!
Iām so proud of you.
I'm glad you're here and encourage you to be proud of coming back and to give yourself a little grace. We are--none of us-- perfect. Recovery Dharma has chapters all over-- an alternative that could be supportive. Regardless, you're not alone and you're moving forward and getting back to the business of real living. That's everything. ā„ļø
You didn't lose the time you were in recovery. I quit hundreds of times til I found the way. You can get back on the horse. Ask for help, too, you don't have to do everything alone
IWNDWYT!
The only true failure is giving up, every day is a new challenge, all we can do is ke
I think your family should show you a little more compassion but they are probably scared, and they probably don't understand how difficult addiction actually is. Relapse is totally normal and a part of the process. Don't beat yourself up too much, that's not going to help at all. You're doing the best you can and you've done pretty damn good in my book! Take the experience and learn from it and figure out what triggered you, and figure out how to not let that happen again. You got this.
IWNDWYT :)
Be kind to yourself. Four years is pretty good, you still have all that time Sober. Don't discount it. Also, you might want to take a look at how you were feeling right before the relapse; any unusual stress? Have a plan to deal with that stress differently the next time it shows up.
Remember that although you can't wind the tape back to before your relapse you can do wind it forward to a future when you are sober. And that future starts now. IWNDWYT
A true loss would be if you were still drinking and couldn't admit the mistake. You stayed sober before and you can do it again. Proud of you for opening up about it. Relationships can heal given time. Don't give up. If you kept drinking you'd have no hope, but as it stands, you have more hope without it!
You still have 4 years of sobriety minus 3 days. Just because you slipped doesnāt restart your sobriety time.
Four years is nothing to sneeze at. You're doing the best you know how. And you're learning all the time. And you're still trying. We're human. We're not perfect. At least I'm not. I'm doing the best I can too. I fail at things every single day. What are you gonna do? Seriously. That's what I ask myself. What are you gonna do Willie?
Please don't let the shame or embarrassment overwhelm you.. that has caused me to fall deeper into the hole in the past. It takes immense courage to get back on your feet and try again! I believe in you! :)
I was sober for 3 years before Covid. Relapsed for a week. Got right back to sobriety. Just hit 4 years. Move forward. Actions over words.
"Nana korobi, ya oki" is a Japanese proverb of hope and persistence. "Fall down seven times; get up eight." You might consider some of the other community recovery groups. There are some that are secular, others focus on fitness activities. Good luck with your continuing journey!
Iāve found great relief in LifeRing. It encourages cross-talk and celebrating the wins of the sober self instead of the shame of the drinking self. Itās much more like a conversation and thereās no labeling anyone as āaddictā or āalcoholicā. What I know is that I wasnāt able to quit drinking for good until I found sober community *and* started looking deeply at why I drank. Those hurts didnāt go away because Iām sober now. Iām headed into probably several years of really deep therapy facilitated, or at least initiated, by the 12 steps. I also have issues with AA and am apprehensive about doing it, but healing is more important at this point than letting myself stay in the same patterns that will lead me back to drinking.
I hope U find some peace, stay strong
Congrats on 4 years, I almost have a year and lately I've been killing for a beer. I didn't think about drinking for 9 months but I had a miscarriage and I've been spiraling. I quit my toxic job and had a minor surgery done and I've just been literally chilling recovering mentally and physically for the past few weeks. Crying, working out, taking walks, Journaling more Crying and enjoying time at home. If it weren't for my new obsession with getting pregnant again, I'd probably be on a bender too. We're going keep trying for a few more months, pray for meš„²š
Let me tell you-do not drink! You are doing all the right things! I will most definitely pray for you dear! Keep us updated. ā¤ļø
You got this!!
3 days in 4 years is fantastic. And you are right where you need to be now. Time can heal all wounds. Like you said, give it some time.
One recommendation that sticks with me is writing a journal or note to yourself about how you are feeling right now. It's just for yourself and you don't have to share it with anyone.
Relapse isnāt to be excused, but itās an incredibly common part of recovery. Try to forgive yourself and also learn from what happened. If you learn and gain awareness from what happened, then it wasnāt for nothing. You didnāt lose any sober time. You still have that time and all you have learned from it. You arenāt starting from scratch. If you are on a 1000 mile road trip, and make a wrong turn halfway through and go 25 miles the wrong way, you donāt have to go all the way back home and start over; you just turn around and get back on the right road. Since you arenāt into AA (me either) I recommend trying Recovery Dharma and Refuge Recovery. They are Buddhist inspired groups but donāt require a higher power or admitting that you are completely powerless. They have a lot of online meetings, too. I do believe that community support and connection is important to staying sober, but there are other options than AA if it isnāt for you. Sending love.
You have 4 years more than Iāve managed so far - thatās amazing. IWNDWYT.
You donāt have to answer this, of course, but what do you think triggered the three day binge after so much sobriety?
I think it was a number of things. Iām very unhappy with my job, and Iām having issues in my marriage. Soā¦ I mean thereās a little bit more to it but thatās the long and short of it.
Thanks for the reply. I have found SMART recovery meetings very helpful. I use the app and do them on zoom. We have all fallen, youāre not alone, and I wish you well.
Thank you! š
Be Kind To Yourself is the 1st way to stay sober for me!
I think thatās been the hardest part.
Wow, congrats on 4 years of getting your mind and body healthy. I white knuckled through times of sobriety for sometimes months and one time a year. It was always a struggle though, and the last time I drank, I knew I was giving it up for good and went on a 3 day binge of everything I thought I was going to miss. What a mistake!!! I am almost through the legal aspects of the .23 dui now, March 25th is the 3 year anniversary from that insidious molecule, I really shouldn't have finished that fifth of Smirnoff vodka when I was being kicked out of the hotel during covid at noon, but I digress! They kicked me out because I was a drunken mess! I am letting the past be the past and taking responsibility for my actions. Life Ring's triple S was a great discovery for me. It helped and is helping me understand the traumas that I was using alcohol to hide from. No more white knuckles here. IWNDWYT, thankfully. There are 2 parts of AA that did help me as well though, they are: 1. Abstain one day at a time, and 2. I am powerless over alcohol, I can't drink just one, my beast takes over after a little bit. Good luck to you!
relapse is part of the processes. I also dont enjoy AA or NA but places like this can help. Im sorry your family reacted the way they did.