I’m so proud of you. I’ve been there before—excluded from an important event from people I considered my dearest friends, and knew about it because they openly posted about it on social media.
They didn’t reach out, and they didn’t contact me again, either—to this day, I have no idea why they ghosted me. It hurt so, so much, and I totally get the feelings of betrayal, confusion and pain you must be feeling right now.
You’re welcome, loved, and remembered here. Your sobriety is important to you, so it’s important to us, too. Please lurk here as long as you need, and allow yourself to eat literally whatever sounds good (and has no alcohol in it) if it’ll help you not drink.
We’re here for you. IWNDWYT
I’m sorry this happened to you as well. It’s a deep pain ❤️🩹.
I did, and I didn’t, ask for an explanation. The ghosting was happening slowly with one of the members of the group whom I was closest to, and I surmised she was likely the one “leading the charge” to leave me out of this big event. I never bothered asking the other members of the group why they went along, because if they were willing to just believe her and do whatever to hurt me, were they ever really my friends?
For that close friend, though, I did eventually ask what (in general) happened that she would ghost me. She took two weeks to respond to my message, and when she did, it was very unsatisfying, with no apologies or clear reasoning. We never regained our friendship, which now I’m thankful for—she was always lying, badmouthing and judging others. Why was I surprised it finally happened to me, you know?
I listened to a Heavyweight podcast episode where a grown woman finally confronts the “friends” who suddenly ditched her in a hurtful, surprising way, and it was just as unsatisfying to head the “explanation” from the one woman from the group who agreed to talk with her (the others kept up their meanness and stayed away from her and denied her the explanation) as what I had experienced.
I think people who are capable of that level of unkindness don’t want to dwell on why they’re so unkind—I think they vaguely want something that they’re not getting from you, or something they want more than they want your love, and they don’t mind taking you off of the pedestal of their love and turning it instead into a step stool to get to the next thing they want, even if it means knocking you off, first.
Just before I got sober I had all my friends ghost me as well. I have done a lot of work in AA and in general to take some responsibility for "my side" of things. It's true that I was going through too much to really be a good friend, and that a lot of it was my own doing. But I think I have allowed that taking of responsibility to turn into my belief that it was all my fault.
Hearing the way you talk about your own experience has shifted something in me. I was a hurting person. What my friends did was unkind. It doesn't have to be a judgment against them; I just need to understand that I didn't deserve it. At least, not all of it. I can release myself from the expectation that others would have treated me better if I'd just managed to get them to see me the way I wanted. And I can treat my former self with the kindness that I needed then, instead of waiting on an apology that I'll never get.
>I can release myself from the expectation that others would have treated me better if I'd just managed to get them to see me the way I wanted. And I can treat my former self with the kindness that I needed then, instead of waiting on an apology that I'll never get.
Wow, this is profound. I’ll have to think on this a little bit more, but thank you for sharing. You’ve given me something to think about, too 🖤.
As someone who has also gotten ghosted by a friend group (years ago, before I got sober) I appreciate your take and the person you’re responding to. I’ve gotten a lot out of AA but also struggle with taking too much responsibility and blaming myself for past events. I was extremely hurt and angry at this friend group for what they did, not just for the friendship but also because we were all in grad school for the same thing and I was worried it would affect my career. Years later, none of them are on a path I’d want to pursue, and I can see how dissimilar we were - not a judgment, but I think we were all under a lot of stress and capable of behaviors that made us not good friends.
It’s hard when friendships change - sobriety has done that for some “drinking buddy” relationships, but I try to trust and stay open to the possibilities for growth.
Many people are social climbers and are interested in what people can do to propel them. They are social climbers for many reasons.. it’s not straight forward. The hard part to understand that despite it being so very personal.. it’s not personal.. to those climbers, other people are simply tools and when those tools aren’t useful anymore they get put away.
The key is to not be attracted to the very people who tend to be climbers..which isn’t easy either because they tend to be the most enticing and exciting friends when you are a tool that is useful.
Unless you are a climber.. no judgement..
If not, It’s critical to find genuine people to be friends with
Literally the same thing happened to me not long ago! I even text one of the girls joking that we hadn’t been invited, just to find out she was there she just missed the photo.
It hurts but they were never your real friends
> I’m so proud of you. I’ve been there before—excluded from an important event from people I considered my dearest friends, and knew about it because they openly posted about it on social media.
This is especially a gut punch because either they're aware you'll see it and don't care to exclude you, or they don't care enough to even consider you. Hurts either way.
Exactly. I know they knew I’d see if, and didn’t care. Possibly, they even *wanted* me to see it, to put together the pieces myself and say the message they didn’t want to give me directly: We’re all no longer friends with you, but we’re too cowardly to tell you why, or give you a chance to explain yourself, listen to our grievances against you to see if you’d apologize—none of that.
I’m sorry, because it sounds like this happened to you, too. I’m sorry you also went through this 🖤.
Thank you. I love this community and its supportiveness. Thankfully my episode dealing with this happened well over a decade ago, though you’re right—I’d be lying if said it didn’t still sting, even if I kind of suspect that I know what happened now, and there was nothing I could have done
Thank you 🖤🤗.
I can only imagine why but my guess is that - you decided to be better and people can’t see the other person doing better than themselves. Inherently people know that alcohol is bad for you.
I have friends who incessantly keep pushing drinks on me. ‘Have a few’, ‘ok only one then’, my favourite - ‘have a sip’ and many other persuasion methods.
Well, I hadn’t yet developed my problematic drinking habits (though looking back, they were *just* starting), so it wasn’t losing them over a loss of connection regarding drinking together.
I won’t go into the full story, because it’s so much, but effectively, two of the friends in the group started dating, another one of the friends really had an issue with it and made it known, and then suddenly—he was killed in an accident.
The tumult of emotions around this loss and the way it rocked our friendship sphere’s orbit….I don’t know why it all necessitated in ejecting me from the group as a whole, especially as I thought we were all grieving together and were there for each other, but yeah:
Somewhere in the relational calculus of the whole thing, it was decided to go radio silent on me. No more texts, no more hanging out, no more checking in on each other to see how we were coping. Just full dark.
I’m an editor and I worked on a book that showed images of how rejection lights up the pain centers in the brain just like physical pain does. And you still didn’t drink, despite suffering through that.
That was strong and brave of you and I hope you’re proud of yourself, like I am!
IWNDWYT
((Internet mom hugs))
I am not saying anything important... But I haven't logged into social media in months. I think it's very freeing.
Although I apparently have some time for reddit
Hey, I'm doing the same! I stopped using Facebook six years ago now (I planned on only taking a break because I was in the middle of a move and wanted to focus on settling in and finding a job -- next thing I knew it had been months and I just didn't miss it).
And I recently stopped using my Instagram, which was also unintentional. I went down to spend my grandfather's last few days with him and my family and just had no interest in scrolling social media while I was there. Again, I kind of felt out of the loop and just had no real interest in getting back onto it. Now it feels liberating! The only social media I have now is Reddit, which I don't want to disengage from because of this particular sub and a couple others 🤍
(Have never used Twitter, TikTok, or Snapchat)
I think disengaging from social media is a really healthy and empowering thing to do, especially while trying to recreate your life as a non-drinker! Not shaming anyone for using it, though. Everyone should do whatever works best for them! I just see a lot of value in "unplugging" from anything that is a time suck or potential anxiety/depression/insecurity trigger 🤗
I agree. While I do still have an account w/Meta, I rarely visit them-- just on occasion and not for very long and I definitely leave my phone at home when I go out to eat and at least one day a week am phone free at work. I just tell everyone I have no phone and they think I am flaky I guess because they can't conceive of not having their phone with them ever. I don't use TikTok, never figured out Snapchat, and deleted Twitter acct. after Musk bought it. But I do waste too much time on Reddit and some Substacks I sub to (their comment sections definitely).
I agree. Even work related groups can throw me into a tizzy of feeling “not good enough “. I went on one of my teacher groups after not being on it most of the year (I’ve had a pretty good year work wise) and ended up not sleeping most of the night because I felt underachieving after seeing a heavy dose of perfect classrooms and activities. Instagram bombards me with perfect looking outfits and style. It’s just exhausting and all too easy to fall victim to comparison!
Absolutely! And it's ridiculous because I'm sure you weren't thinking about how you weren't "doing enough" before that! The reality is, if you're giving it your all and doing your best then you are doing enough. It's wild how quickly social media can make us question our worth and value.
I'm perfecty content with who I am right now without having to see how far along in life others my age are. When I was chronically online, I was feeling a lot of insecurity and even envy toward the people my age who have found more "success" than I have by this age. Even though I genuinely believe that everybody is on their own time and every path is different and unique, and it is exactly as it's meant to be. But when I'm constantly seeing others where I want to be or successfully doing what I want to do, it changes how I feel about myself and how I feel about where I'm at. I don't need to waste any more energy feeling down or doubting myself. I've done enough of that!
I was just thinking about how much Instagram just pisses me off. The algorithm knows what gets my attention, and unfortunately it knows what controversial stuff gets my attention not just nice things like cats or whatever
So here I am on Reddit instead. I am consciously aware of this loop, I think social medias gotta go
Me too. I got rid of my car and now walk everywhere, and apart from Reddit, I have no social media. Day 9 of no alcohol today, and I literally feel as free as a bird.
Things changed for me after I quit drinking and I’m not sure if things changing is what made me stop, or if stopping was the catalyst for more change. I’m also not sure if the changes were more to do with me, or whether they had nothing to do with me. Sometimes change begets more change, and there are always unanticipated consequences, but at least you have a clear and sober head to try and make more sense of it than I’m able to. IWNDWYT
This. When I quit drinking, there was a domino effect of change. Most, if not all, changes have had a net positive effect on my life, even if a lot of them were incredibly challenging to get through. Some of those changes were simply inevitable, and came about more quickly because of sobriety. For example, friendships fizzling out, which was incredibly painful and confusing for a while. I eventually realized during the painful fizzle that these friendships weren’t actually fulfilling me anymore anyways. Once I had this realization, I began considering what would actually make me happy in life. Up to that point, I’d mostly lived my life according to what I thought would be acceptable to the people around me, and I used alcohol to numb the frustration of an unfulfilling life. Sobriety forces me to reckon with my own personal truth, and to live it IRL instead of just dreaming about and numbing it. Since then, I’ve made many small but important shifts in how I live my life, which has brought about more and more change. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.
I’m sorry to hear about your friends, OP. I know it fucking sucks. I share a similar wound, and I can still feel it. I’m with you in navigating the new space that this kind of situation leaves behind. Wishing you, and me, empowerment and freedom in that new space.
I just went through a lot of this too. When you realize you always feel worse after being around some people, or talking to them. Relationships shouldn't be transactional, but if they're only beneficial for one person, something needs to change.
I'm really struggling with figuring out what makes me happy while feeling like I've lost a lot of people out of my life. (I can't say support, bc I realize they never actually supported me)
God, I feel like I could have written this myself. I feel you.
I’ve recently found some happiness in exploring some of the activities I did before alcohol. Specifically, playing oboe and jogging. I was a high school band geek, and I didn’t have much coordination so I did cross-country and track (poorly) until I was a sophomore. It’s funny, because I don’t think I had “fun” while doing these things as a kid. But I find them both pretty satisfying as an adult. The oboe makes me feel a little silly, but that’s kind of nice. The jogging gives me a sense of accomplishment and has a beautiful effect on my mood. I also hope to find some people in the running community who I could be friends with. The thought of that intimidates me. But maybe that’s because I’ve always settled for easy and comfortable, and I’m not used to going after what I actually want, so I’ve self-sabotaged in the past.
But anyways. Best of luck to you, friend. And congrats for recognizing that you deserve better friendships in your life 🫶🏼.
Well said, some of the change is hard but that doesn’t mean it’s bad or unwelcome, in fact it’s the opposite. It’s big and it’s grand, and it’s scary - it’s life, and we are living it, and loving every second of it.
I wouldn't call it betrayal, people just grow apart sometimes. If we make everything good and evil than it's easier to become resentful and encourage yourself to do something you'll regret. This hurts for sure, but I'm proud of OP for processing this sober instead of pushing it off with alcohol.
We’re not making everything good and evil. That’s hyperbole. I think she was betrayed. Mature people who grow apart can acknowledge it and talk about it. Abandoning someone who was a friend without word and excluding someone from a group they were a part of is mean.
Way to stay strong. Sorry about your crummy ex-friends, OP. I know we’re all internet strangers, but we’ve got your back and we’re here for you 💚
Proud of you for keeping sober.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. This has happened to me and it’s gut wrenching. However, not to the tune of 20 year friendships. I’m so sorry for your hurt & am very proud that you’re here with us! Having a girls night with you tonight in solidarity. Crackers, cheese, a Poppi soda & scrolling this sub ❤️
I personally think life was much MUCH better before social media. Who needs constant reminders of what everyone else is doing? I have enough on my mind and consuming my time to waste it on social media.
Hey. Just wanted to share I lost both of my best friends last year. We 3 were close and I shared the most intimate details of my life with them. I noticed things starting to feel “off” for a while and one of the friends becoming increasingly hostile towards me. Long story short, I started being left out of plans and she turned the other girl against me so when I called her out for leaving me out, it started a huge fight and I lost both of them. Looking back she was a huge “mean girl”. And she was jealous of me. And I knew that but I ignored it. Right after I lost them I met my fiance and got pregnant so sometimes we lose people to make room for better things in our life. But I saw them at the mall together just yesterday while I was shopping alone and I won’t lie, some of the old hurt came back. Losing friends in such a way feels physically painful. I hope you make and find better friends (I haven’t brought myself to get close to anyone yet)
I am sorry you are hurt but so happy you didn’t let that throw you back into the drunk oblivion! The universe is just purging your life from all the toxins! I know it sucks right now but I promise it will make sense in the future and you will heal! Through my recovery the universe also got rid of every “friend” I had and only kept the once who truly love and respect me. And I am finding new amazing friends now! We are here for you! IWNDWYT
Very sorry, there are not many things that suck more than being left out of something. Especially if you are excluded by people that you thought were friends.
Great job not drinking, would have made it so much worse.
IWNDWYT
In my experience we non-drinkers can make those that partake, uncomfortable. I think it is easier for them to not have us around rather than have to possibly look closer or more honestly at themselves and their drinking behaviors. You are the adult here, making good decisions and changing your life for the better. I honestly look at this process as a weeding out of the drinking friends. Finding the true, intimate relationships that survive sobriety. I am proud of you and thank you for sharing your story. Peace on your journey friend.
This is how I felt when I was drinking. I didn't want to ruin my moment of peace with an uncomfortable social situation regarding how I needed to behave around someone who did no longer drink.
I have deep trauma from being excluded from girl groups dating back to elementary school. I am so sorry, it’s seriously the worst feeling in the world when you think someone considers you more of a friend than they actually do. We are social creatures, we innately want to feel like we belong. And those girls know that, so they likely feel pretty good about themselves right now because they weren’t the odd one out (this time). Their inclusion in the group means more because you were excluded. *They want you to beg.* This is how female social groups work.
After a few rounds of being excluded, I want you to know it’s not your job to prove your worth to them. You literally can’t, so move right along. Cry your eyes out behind closed doors because it hurts like hell, but do not let them see you sweat. Your best revenge is showing them that you believe in yourself and you don’t need them to feel validated the way they need each other. Be proud of yourself for not drinking - they DO NOT get to take that from you.
My favorite advice (unironically from TikTok):
If you weren’t invited, don’t go.
If you weren’t told, don’t ask.
If you are invited late = decline.
Educate them on how you expect to be treated. You will be surprised who comes crawling back.
I relate so much to this. Went through being excluded as a kid and the downright cruelty of female friend groups. That mean girl stuff is incredibly painful. IWNDWYT.
I’m so sorry. This has happened to me too and it hurts like hell. I block those people when I know it’s going on to protect my peace, but that sharp twinge of hurt when you first see the pictures online is all too familiar and I’m sorry you experienced that. Proud of you for not drinking!
One of the first wake up calls I had when thinking I was doing good hiding my addiction was when a good friend of mine since elementary school (hes in our guys group chat) didn't invite me to their wedding and I didn't even know they were getting married.
I was told by one of our friends when it was coming up and was told "**** is just afraid of you not being able to stop when you get started. Personally we think you wouldn't go that far at his wedding (Honestly I think I'd have been fine but who knows right?) but its not our call."
I was so upset and angry about it and its a huge thing looking back in hindsight but I wasn't sober then and I wasn't close to being ready for sobriety.
Did he make the right decision? It was his and his wife's day so to them they did and I respect them for it.
I've been to a wedding after I got sober in which they were there and he actually clarified a few things and apologized to me about it but said "I am just glad you got help. We love you man".
If your friends are ghosting you because you're sober, either they have concerns about their own drinking or, you were just a drinking buddy. Both are good reasons to ditch that friendship/friendships.
I’m so sorry that you experienced this!
Early this morning, I actually deleted Snapchat, and unfriended all friends, not family, from Facebook and Instagram.
My true friends can call or text, or not. I need to start taking care of ME.
I’m so proud of you for not drinking over the weekend!!!!!
This group of awesome people are here for you!
Congrats on not drinking! Stay strong!
I retired recently. I found out I did not have any friends at work. They were just people I worked with. Learned to live life alone. I kinda like it this way.
WWNDWYT.
I know it had nothing to do with sobriety, but sobriety can still be a lonely road. Not all paths can be traveled as a party.
Not sure why they did that to you, but I gotta leave some people behind myself. Not necessarily for their drinking or my sobriety, but for their messed up behaviours. Wish you the best.
I’m so sorry. This happened to me too, my “bff” of THIRTY years. Not because of drinking, but because I had a nervous breakdown because of physical issues and that was it, she was very involved when it happened and then when I wasn’t getting better she abandoned me. It hurts so much.
I lost one good friend. It was a lot because I don’t have a lot I’m close to. I realized drinking cocktails was a mainstay of our interaction. Then I started drinking again. She didn’t come back. Now I’m starting over.
Something similar happened to me last year. Very close knit group of girls all went for a Bachelorette weekend and I didn't get an invite or hear anything about it and only found out through our snaps sent to our larger group of friends' snapchat group. It sucked. My heart was shattered and I cried all day. I know it was because of my behaviour in active addiction that I wasn't invited, but the heartache/break I felt was the most intense I've felt from a friendship situation. I drank because of it, and am so proud of you for not! Stay strong babe ❤️
I am copying and pasting parts of a comment I made on another post earlier today, but your post really hit home for me, as I have been basically eliminated from my group of core girlfriends (there were 4 of us). I also have been excluded from many things over the past 6 months or so, probably even longer. I am the last of our group to turn 40 this week (the other ladies are 42-44) and I celebrated each of their big bdays with each of them. I am heartbroken they didn't come to our backyard BBQ this weekend to celebrate my upcoming 40th, nor did they call, text, or even respond to the FB invite. I am so sad that I probably won't be hearing from them on my actual bday this week, and if I do it will likely be a "happy birthday" text and nothing more. When I should be celebrating, I feel like my upcoming bday is marred by not celebrating with the people I loved the most, and who I thought loved me. These were friends of over 10 years, including my "best" friend.
The reasons are varied why our friendships have fizzled...
Partly because of covid; even though we initally maintained contact, it slowed over time and never got back to the point of getting together.
Partly because as we have gone through our 30s, we have slowly drifted as our lives have changed with kids, work; etc. We all have things in our personal lives that have changed us.
Partly because of my drinking: I self-isolated a lot and also because they could see how my drinking was affecting my life.
I have talked to the closest few and have finally come to the conclusion that we are just never going to get back to where we were. We were much closer than just drinking buddies, but a lot of our time spent together did include alcohol.
I have had to come to terms with the fact that while these relationships were some of the most important in my life for a long time, they just don't fit anymore. There's no anger on my part, but it does make me very sad.
I don't know how to make new friends at this point in my life, even though there are lots of suggestions I have read in this sub.
All I can do at this point is continue on the path that I know is best for me, and if I see these ladies enjoy them when I do, but I am also done with trying to forge the river between us now. I am hoping as I continue to remain sober I will find new friends/acquaintances through new outlets, but first I need to just be my best for me and my husband/kids.
I am sorry you're going through something similar; no advice here just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is not just you! Great job not drinking through it, and we are all here to support you and commiserate when needed! Xoxo
Sobriety and stoicism have helped me a lot. And I want to say as Marcus Aurelius said “not everyone may like me and that is their problem.” if you lose friends because you do not drink, then they were not your friends. You are a strong woman and I’m very proud of you.
Good job with your sobriety. It's lame to be left out. One thing that helped me was to be more proactive in initiating activities. I started weekly hangouts, inviting several people to do a different activity every week, knowing that lives are busy and not everyone enjoys every activity. But people appreciated the effort and had fun participating when they could.
Longer trips I tend to keep more one on one, because I like the focused connection with others and also the ease of traveling in pairs or three or four max. Large groups are a total pain, imo. But everyone has their own preferences.
Ya I hate this feeling. Sucks when you’re not as close as you thought or lower in the friend group than you thought. I’ve never been at the favorite of a friend group. I always feel a little left out.
I lost a lot of friends. People I called my family when I quit. Just goes to show that it wasn’t real. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s terrible. The silver lining is that you find out who truly loves you and has your back.
You'll find that some of your closest friends won't get it. In fact they will be dissapointed. Do you really need friends like that though. When I quit 4 years ago I had two dearest friends who understood and really supported. My best man at my wedding dropped me like a stone. He still drinks like a fish
Sending you caring thoughts. This kind of thing really gets me and I would be so broken up too (this kind of thing has also happened to me). Take good care of yourself. You are important and not alone. IWNDWYT
Ive seen pictures of former "friends" together on social media, even weddings lol. I know I'm better off though, wasn't treated the best by some of those guys either. I'm at peace. You're not the only one.
I have been ghosted so many times I have given up on friendships but the older and more sober become I am very happy not to deal with the gossip and drama. I embrace my solitude.
I just deactivated my Facebook. I don’t watch the news. Deleted apps that show any kind of news headlines. Don’t listen to news channels - just listen to audiobooks.
My mental health has definitely improved not having to listen to doom and gloom or be overwhelmed with ads targeted at me.
This happened to me too. I still don’t know why I was pretty much outed from the group. After more than 10 years of friendship, vacations together, years of tradition… Suddenly they were doing it all without me. Initially, I thought it was because of my drinking, but even sober I have been excluded. When I see things that they post together, I have to admit that that has been a huge trigger for me. I started drinking again in December after seeing a social media post that I normally would’ve been a part of. I have since vowed not to allow whatever issues they have with me be my problem or cause me any more pain. Another friend of mine told me why I’m so hurt by this is because I would never treat anyone else this way. I’m not perfect, I can be a bit much for some people, but I have enough people that love me to help me feel worthy and be a soothing balm to heal the burns from friends that apparently never were really friends to begin with. I am so proud of you that you didn’t drink. And I stand with you to never let pain caused from being excluded to be an excuse to lead me astray. IWNDWYT
This happened to me, after a very bad breakup I begged my “friends” to include me in things so I could stay busy. After many weekends of seeing them out on friend group weekend trips I finally decided, fuck em. Blocked em all. No regrets
I’m 2 years off social media (only have Reddit for entertainment & pages like this!) and let me tell you how GOOD it feels, when someone says “did you know so & so did this” no I didn’t, because it didn’t pertain to my daily life so it had no affect to me! & it’s joyous
It sucks when you aren't really part of the friend group like you thought you were, or when you start to notice certain people are drifting away.
I was caste out of my main friend group a couple of years ago post a really ugly divorce. And now I'm starting to notice that the switzerland friends are distancing themselves from me too, even the ones that heard the pain I went through and believed me when I finally spoke about the trauma I endured. It's hard. I've started to form new friends and most of them are in a city nearby so it makes being in my town feel very lonely. Ive tried grtting back out there but unfortunately my favorite spots in town are also spots my old possee enjoy, and I still have trauma flashbacks when I see my ex or former friends at those places. I've become a home body and to be honest, since I quit drinking, I wish hanging out at the house and socalizing was a thing. Like why did our society stop doing porch hangouts and game nights?
Anyways, you're not alone, and if anything drinking will just cause a sad thought to spiral. It's something I'm learning to live with on my journey. Drugs, weed, and alcohol do not get rid of the sadness, they only postpone it and make it worse when you sober up. Learn to sit with the feeling and eventually it will pass.
I'm proud of you. I would totally have a fun sober girls night with you!! N then a spa night 🌙 what I've been doing a lot lately.
You are so awesome, look at how great you handled that. I'm sorry for what happened though. Sometimes life just gives us hard lessons. You are gonna be okay. 💜🩵
Im sorry and I know it hurts. Are they heavy drinkers themselves?
I wrote a post slightly touching this subject yesterday and got some helpful replies
Hang in there ❤️
Well done! I know how hard that is. I have been excluded lately too, sometimes because of not drinking, and sometimes other reasons or seemingly no reason... It hurts. But so pleased that you didn't drink even though you were tempted.
IWNDWYT 👍
That hurts so much. I'm so sorry they did this to you. I'm proud that you didn't drink because of it. Think about if you went - you probably would have had drinks with them or at least been pressured about being sober You're better off in this scenario even though it doesn't feel like it.
Ahww that totally sucks. I think most people have had an experience like that where they felt really excluded. I know I have, and I always get really upset about it. It might help to tell someone in the group you're close with that you were sad they didn't invite you. Then at least they know and can tell you why. I did this recently and my friend apologized and was invited the next time, but ofcourse every situation is different.
Good for you for not drinking!
Hey, congrats on getting through that sober. It's times like that which will make you the strongest person ever. I don't know exactly why, but going through betrayal/loss of trust somehow makes us invincible afterwards.
Again, very proud of you. It will get better. You will make new friends. Times will still suck and they will be awesome, and they will be boring, too. Life is filled with endless ups and downs. Keep going.
You are functioning at a higher rate of vibration than they are due to your sobriety. Lower vibration people sometimes feel uncomfortable when they meet someone who has got their shit together
I think this is an excellent reminder of who we think are our friends when we involve drinking in most, if not all of the contact, we have with our friends.
I can relate, had a similar experience with someone I thought was one of my best friends going on a river float she told me she'd take me on and that I'd expressed I'd love to go in years past.
Honestly, just sucks no way around it. Best way to move on is to take care of yourself and do the things that make you happy.
For me it's been difficult because socializing (and in the past drinking) have been one of my favorite things, but I've had to learn to do things that enrich me even if that means doing them alone.
You're not alone.
IWNDWYT
Sorry this happened and proud of you for not indulging. Friendships change over time and maybe this is for the better, however heartbreaking. I'd take a break from social media and work on establishing some new friend groups. Good luck on your journey, girl!
Around 7 months ago my WhatsApp would blow up every day with messages. Now, nothing. Its my fault but I learned to love myself and be happy with my time alone. I've become stronger and no longer care or think about what everyone else is doing. Stay strong and try not to stress over it too much.
I’m sorry that happened. It really hurts especially when you have been friends for so long. Good for you for staying strong. You should definitely treat yourself to something nice. A favourite dessert, a new nail polish colour, if you garden go buy yourself a nice plant. Celebrate being you and doing what is good for you
I thought I had “best friends” once. Longest I ever dated a girl was when I was about 20/21. She was 17. I was completely in love with her. Well when we 1st met, my best friend died from cancer, we got together. Went to the funeral together. She was my safe place in the worst time of my life. Right after we celebrated our 1 year anniversary she told me she had been cheating on me with my dead best friends older brother. Keep in mind she was 17, he was in his late 30s. He apparently started flirting with her when he came into McDonald’s where she worked at the time. To make it worse, all of my “best friends” I had since 7th/8th grade was there at the house when she went over and they all knew she was hooking up with him. Not one single “friend” told me about it or anything. I’m 32 now and still bout makes me sick thinking about it.
I’ve got guy friends I’ve known for 30+ years and because of my changes we may hardly talk for two or three months but it’ll be that one weekend we get together, cookout on the grill, bring the kids and wives through and just enjoy ourselves despite them drinking and me not drinking.
I like to think it’s out of respect because they know 90% of the time they’re going out to get fucked up and just respect I don’t do life like that anymore so they don’t tempt me with it. Alternatively they could feel salty but that’s their meal they gotta eat, has nothing to do with my plate lol.
Just have to accept the fact that their lifestyle isn’t yours anymore so the interests don’t align.
Girl, I’ve been there…those are not your friends. I planned this whole vacation (didn’t book anything, just an itinerary and air bnb in mind) and then couldn’t go the week I was planning for because I had to go out of town. I found a different week that worked for everyone & they all agreed. They went on the trip when I was out of town. Literally booked the air bnb I had found and did my entire trip without me. Also tried to keep it a secret! I was so upset and probably drank heavily and used that as the excuse. Proud of you for staying sober. You don’t need those people in your life, you’re doing great!
If those bitches are treating you this way I would ditch them and find new friends that will invite you and. Asshole thing they did putting it on social media when they absolutely knew that you would see it. True friends wouldn't do that and treat you better.
Honestly the one that posted everything had nothing to do with the non invite. There were 2 main girls that organized the event. I am not upset at the poster, she didn’t know. There were girls at the weekend that I am
Guessing did not know I was not included.
That really sucks! But you had two victories:
1) You didn't drink
2) You learned those girls weren't real friends.
I was also forced/bullied out of a tight group of friends when I was 16/17.
And it really hurts when people treat you like you are not enough. But you ARE enough. And you will get through this and you will make friends you can rely on.
And in the meanwhile you have this amazing community. ❤️
IWNDWYT
I'm so very sorry. I lost friends of over a decade after I got sober. They just couldn't accept that for like a year I couldn't go out with them if they were drinking. When I was good to be around it they wanted nothing to do with me.
I am sorry ,this too happened to me . Your friends r uncomfortable with your sobriety and perhaps question their own alcohol use . U r different to them even though u should love yourself more for your courage and strength and putting your health first. Just let it settle down and stop looking at social media pictures it’s not doing you a bit of good. One or two of your friends will surface after this weekend, and let you know they missed you too !!! Just give it time, heal your heart . And it time reach out and let them know u were hurt, but only if it works for you and your continued soberity!! Things will get better!!! This I know been Sober 10 years… Stay strong!
It's not the same cuz they weren't my friend of 20 years, but I thought they would be when we first started hanging out in college. I very quickly became best friends with my roommate, and our group grew. My roommate and I moved into a house junior year. We had a shared bathroom. One Saturday night, I was hanging out in my bedroom alone and decided I need to use the bathroom. There was the whole friend group in my roommate's bedroom, hanging out, laughing, having drinks. No one said anything, and I just closed the bathroom door. I feel your pain. Congratulations on not drinking cuz I sure did 👏👏
I deactivated Facebook (not deleted, in case I want to go back for photos). I had to cull my follower list on IG and ban a few people. I decided that the people I socialized with weren't in my life anymore, so why did I care what they were up to, and why did they deserve to know what was going on with me?
I lost a lot of people in the year following my sobriety. I've been trying to make new friends. I've recently tried to reach out to a few people I was super close with but they treated me like a casual acquaintance. I tried not to be too hurt by that.
It really sucks, but people reveal their true natures, especially on social media, and they make it easy for you to decide who to or not to trust. Keep your head up, you'll get through this! And brava for not picking up!!!
You're the best for not drinking! Fuck those friends, you deserve loyal friends! I'm sorry that happened. Female friendships can be so heartbreaking.
IWNDWYT
I’ve lost a lot of folks along the way. Just focusing myself on getting better for my wife and daughter and hopefully one day they may see it firsthand and forgive my past blunders.
Is it possible that they know your sober journey and didn’t want to present you with a tough situation or put you in a situation that could trigger you to want to drink?
Damn. I’m sorry. I’ve been there, and it sucks ass. My least favorite thing is trying to figure out if they forgot about me or purposefully didn’t tell me about the plans. And idk which is worse 🙃
I am very, very proud of you! Being excluded like that for no apparent reason *hurts*. We naturally we want to pour alcohol on that hurt, but that’s obviously a bad idea. I am so glad you made the healthy choice to work through the emotions, as painful as they are.
You are awesome, and IWNDWYT!
Yeah...I had someone I thought was a friend that has left me out of everything since I told her. She just told me that she had a gals night, that i wasn't invited to. It was ok cause I know all they did was drink but like damn...it stings a bit. I'm sorry that happened. I'm really proud of you for not drinking.
Hugs, OP! I’m proud of you for not drinking. As I’ve written in another comment, I dealt with being ghosted by a friend group before sobriety, but I only really dealt with the remnants of resentment in sobriety. Sometimes all you can do is sit with the hurt and take deep breaths. It won’t always feel like this. It’s morning for me but joining you with a coffee on the couch ❤️
Great job in staying on course and honoring your sobriety!
It's truly commendable how you have managed to navigate through what must have been a challenging journey. Your resilience and strength are truly inspiring, to those around you. It's clear that you have the ability to overcome obstacles and face difficult situations head-on. Keep up the amazing work and continue to stay strong in your commitment to sobriety. Your determination and dedication are truly admirable. Remember, you are capable of achieving anything you set your mind to. Keep pushing forward and never give up on yourself. You've got this!
This is where you'll start to search for people of the same energy and interest. Doesn't mean these individuals aren't your friends, or they are wrong or bad.
As you begin your search for individuals with similar energy and interests, you will discover that these new connections do not diminish the friendships you already have. This is a time to get to know yourself better and try new hobbies. You can also start doing things you used to enjoy but stopped doing. Along the way, you will encounter like-minded individuals who share your interests, same emotional energy, leading to the formation of meaningful friendships based on shared goals and aspirations beyond simply socializing or drinking.
While your current friends likely have good intentions and respect your sobriety, it is common for our minds to focus on the negatives and feelings of abandonment. It is important to recognize that these feelings are often a result of our brain's protective mechanisms, working hard to keep us safe by creating stories and perceptions that may not always be accurate. This is proof that our human brain loves to play tricks on us and see the negatives over the positives, for it's trying to protect us by working super hard and making up stories. Feeling different and abandoned is the worst feeling that cuts deep.
I had a certain “friend” that was always having parties and didn’t invite me. She made a new set of friends that was weird towards me for some reason. I was invited to one party with them actually, and I felt uncomfortable the whole time. I think that’s why I stopped seeing her or being invited to anything. In retrospect, I’m glad I don’t have to force myself through that. Those girls barely knew me or had any context to dislike me, so I don’t want to place myself around that energy.
Most of the time it has nothing to do with you, people are jealous/ vindictive for the silliest of reasons. Sometimes it’s something subliminal that you can’t tell you’re giving off. But in any case, you’re better off with real friends and people that can openly communicate with you.
I hurt for you too friend. I know that pain. My best friend of almost 20 years decided our lives were too different and mine was not Christian enough to remain my friend. Sent a short message saying we had “some good times together”. Some good times? Two decades? Deaths, births, marriages, but just chalked up to good times. She never spoke to me again. Always left me on read.
Then one day my mom told me, you were always more her friend than she was to you and your heartbreak shows how much more of a friend you are.
You too and your heartbreak shows how much more of a real friend you are and they don’t deserve that level of friendship and respect that they are so willing to throw aside. A real tribe won’t do that to you and I know you’ll find them and they’re out there longing to find you. And until then, and always, and ever when you need us, all of us here will be your tribe to the end.
And we WNDWYT 💕
Ughhh I’m sorry for you pal! Nobody tells us that friendships can be tricky in adult life and that the feeling of being left out hurts the same at 38 as 8. It’s a yucky feeling.
First off well done for sticking to your principles and being a good friend to YOURSELF by staying on track and not drinking. Jesus that sounds so cheesy and therapyspeaky but u know what I mean. Being able to shepherd yourself through shitty times like this and choosing what’s ultimately the best thing to do, that’s being an ally to yourself and that’s priceless. Well done 👍
As for the friends - you’re not asking for advice but I’ll plough in anyway and make my suggestion! Ask one of them what’s up. Tell them you were a bit shocked. If she says “we just thought you wouldn’t want to go because ur not drinking” (I’d eat my hat if she DOESNT say that) then here’s your chance to say (calmly very calmly and very nicely) “ya know what, that’s ok I get that, but it hurt my feelings not to be asked and made me feel so crap. If there’s something going on I really want to be asked even if it’s booze related” it’s your chance to be vulnerable which feels temporarily gross but is necessary .. to show her you didn’t like it and you don’t want that to happen again. Even if it doesn’t feel natural to bring things up it’s always the better thing.
I’m sorry. I’ve seen this happen to woman in my town and it’s mainly about climbing the social tower. One woman in the group actually had an affair with another’s husband and the whole group kicked the victim wife out and kept the bad one…it’s all social status. If the woman you hung out with was a gossip then good riddance! I’d recommend staying off social media as it’s good for the soul! Make new connections and just keep focusing on your sobriety! I bet they’re all jealous of the new you!
I’m so proud of you. I’ve been there before—excluded from an important event from people I considered my dearest friends, and knew about it because they openly posted about it on social media. They didn’t reach out, and they didn’t contact me again, either—to this day, I have no idea why they ghosted me. It hurt so, so much, and I totally get the feelings of betrayal, confusion and pain you must be feeling right now. You’re welcome, loved, and remembered here. Your sobriety is important to you, so it’s important to us, too. Please lurk here as long as you need, and allow yourself to eat literally whatever sounds good (and has no alcohol in it) if it’ll help you not drink. We’re here for you. IWNDWYT
((Internet mom hugs to you too))
Thank you!
Sorry to hear that. I posted something slightly related yesterday. May I ask if you ever considered asking asking an explanation?
I’m sorry this happened to you as well. It’s a deep pain ❤️🩹. I did, and I didn’t, ask for an explanation. The ghosting was happening slowly with one of the members of the group whom I was closest to, and I surmised she was likely the one “leading the charge” to leave me out of this big event. I never bothered asking the other members of the group why they went along, because if they were willing to just believe her and do whatever to hurt me, were they ever really my friends? For that close friend, though, I did eventually ask what (in general) happened that she would ghost me. She took two weeks to respond to my message, and when she did, it was very unsatisfying, with no apologies or clear reasoning. We never regained our friendship, which now I’m thankful for—she was always lying, badmouthing and judging others. Why was I surprised it finally happened to me, you know? I listened to a Heavyweight podcast episode where a grown woman finally confronts the “friends” who suddenly ditched her in a hurtful, surprising way, and it was just as unsatisfying to head the “explanation” from the one woman from the group who agreed to talk with her (the others kept up their meanness and stayed away from her and denied her the explanation) as what I had experienced. I think people who are capable of that level of unkindness don’t want to dwell on why they’re so unkind—I think they vaguely want something that they’re not getting from you, or something they want more than they want your love, and they don’t mind taking you off of the pedestal of their love and turning it instead into a step stool to get to the next thing they want, even if it means knocking you off, first.
Just before I got sober I had all my friends ghost me as well. I have done a lot of work in AA and in general to take some responsibility for "my side" of things. It's true that I was going through too much to really be a good friend, and that a lot of it was my own doing. But I think I have allowed that taking of responsibility to turn into my belief that it was all my fault. Hearing the way you talk about your own experience has shifted something in me. I was a hurting person. What my friends did was unkind. It doesn't have to be a judgment against them; I just need to understand that I didn't deserve it. At least, not all of it. I can release myself from the expectation that others would have treated me better if I'd just managed to get them to see me the way I wanted. And I can treat my former self with the kindness that I needed then, instead of waiting on an apology that I'll never get.
>I can release myself from the expectation that others would have treated me better if I'd just managed to get them to see me the way I wanted. And I can treat my former self with the kindness that I needed then, instead of waiting on an apology that I'll never get. Wow, this is profound. I’ll have to think on this a little bit more, but thank you for sharing. You’ve given me something to think about, too 🖤.
Same!!
Just made a screenshot of that! Will share when I run meeting next week
As someone who has also gotten ghosted by a friend group (years ago, before I got sober) I appreciate your take and the person you’re responding to. I’ve gotten a lot out of AA but also struggle with taking too much responsibility and blaming myself for past events. I was extremely hurt and angry at this friend group for what they did, not just for the friendship but also because we were all in grad school for the same thing and I was worried it would affect my career. Years later, none of them are on a path I’d want to pursue, and I can see how dissimilar we were - not a judgment, but I think we were all under a lot of stress and capable of behaviors that made us not good friends. It’s hard when friendships change - sobriety has done that for some “drinking buddy” relationships, but I try to trust and stay open to the possibilities for growth.
Sorry it happened to you as well my friend.
Many people are social climbers and are interested in what people can do to propel them. They are social climbers for many reasons.. it’s not straight forward. The hard part to understand that despite it being so very personal.. it’s not personal.. to those climbers, other people are simply tools and when those tools aren’t useful anymore they get put away. The key is to not be attracted to the very people who tend to be climbers..which isn’t easy either because they tend to be the most enticing and exciting friends when you are a tool that is useful. Unless you are a climber.. no judgement.. If not, It’s critical to find genuine people to be friends with
Literally the same thing happened to me not long ago! I even text one of the girls joking that we hadn’t been invited, just to find out she was there she just missed the photo. It hurts but they were never your real friends
Sorry it happened to you too. 🤗 hugs
> I’m so proud of you. I’ve been there before—excluded from an important event from people I considered my dearest friends, and knew about it because they openly posted about it on social media. This is especially a gut punch because either they're aware you'll see it and don't care to exclude you, or they don't care enough to even consider you. Hurts either way.
Exactly. I know they knew I’d see if, and didn’t care. Possibly, they even *wanted* me to see it, to put together the pieces myself and say the message they didn’t want to give me directly: We’re all no longer friends with you, but we’re too cowardly to tell you why, or give you a chance to explain yourself, listen to our grievances against you to see if you’d apologize—none of that. I’m sorry, because it sounds like this happened to you, too. I’m sorry you also went through this 🖤.
Hey, if you ever need a bubbly/seltzer water and a quiet session I’m here.
Thank you. I love this community and its supportiveness. Thankfully my episode dealing with this happened well over a decade ago, though you’re right—I’d be lying if said it didn’t still sting, even if I kind of suspect that I know what happened now, and there was nothing I could have done Thank you 🖤🤗.
❤️😀
I can only imagine why but my guess is that - you decided to be better and people can’t see the other person doing better than themselves. Inherently people know that alcohol is bad for you. I have friends who incessantly keep pushing drinks on me. ‘Have a few’, ‘ok only one then’, my favourite - ‘have a sip’ and many other persuasion methods.
Well, I hadn’t yet developed my problematic drinking habits (though looking back, they were *just* starting), so it wasn’t losing them over a loss of connection regarding drinking together. I won’t go into the full story, because it’s so much, but effectively, two of the friends in the group started dating, another one of the friends really had an issue with it and made it known, and then suddenly—he was killed in an accident. The tumult of emotions around this loss and the way it rocked our friendship sphere’s orbit….I don’t know why it all necessitated in ejecting me from the group as a whole, especially as I thought we were all grieving together and were there for each other, but yeah: Somewhere in the relational calculus of the whole thing, it was decided to go radio silent on me. No more texts, no more hanging out, no more checking in on each other to see how we were coping. Just full dark.
I’m an editor and I worked on a book that showed images of how rejection lights up the pain centers in the brain just like physical pain does. And you still didn’t drink, despite suffering through that. That was strong and brave of you and I hope you’re proud of yourself, like I am! IWNDWYT ((Internet mom hugs))
Thank you for this ❤️
Hey. Random, but can I ask what book that was?
I am not saying anything important... But I haven't logged into social media in months. I think it's very freeing. Although I apparently have some time for reddit
reddit for r/stopdrinking doesn't count, this is therapy :)
Agree 🤓
🤓
Yes!
Hey, I'm doing the same! I stopped using Facebook six years ago now (I planned on only taking a break because I was in the middle of a move and wanted to focus on settling in and finding a job -- next thing I knew it had been months and I just didn't miss it). And I recently stopped using my Instagram, which was also unintentional. I went down to spend my grandfather's last few days with him and my family and just had no interest in scrolling social media while I was there. Again, I kind of felt out of the loop and just had no real interest in getting back onto it. Now it feels liberating! The only social media I have now is Reddit, which I don't want to disengage from because of this particular sub and a couple others 🤍 (Have never used Twitter, TikTok, or Snapchat) I think disengaging from social media is a really healthy and empowering thing to do, especially while trying to recreate your life as a non-drinker! Not shaming anyone for using it, though. Everyone should do whatever works best for them! I just see a lot of value in "unplugging" from anything that is a time suck or potential anxiety/depression/insecurity trigger 🤗
I have Facebook because so many businesses now only have Facebook. But I need to be better about all of it.
I agree. While I do still have an account w/Meta, I rarely visit them-- just on occasion and not for very long and I definitely leave my phone at home when I go out to eat and at least one day a week am phone free at work. I just tell everyone I have no phone and they think I am flaky I guess because they can't conceive of not having their phone with them ever. I don't use TikTok, never figured out Snapchat, and deleted Twitter acct. after Musk bought it. But I do waste too much time on Reddit and some Substacks I sub to (their comment sections definitely).
I agree. Even work related groups can throw me into a tizzy of feeling “not good enough “. I went on one of my teacher groups after not being on it most of the year (I’ve had a pretty good year work wise) and ended up not sleeping most of the night because I felt underachieving after seeing a heavy dose of perfect classrooms and activities. Instagram bombards me with perfect looking outfits and style. It’s just exhausting and all too easy to fall victim to comparison!
Absolutely! And it's ridiculous because I'm sure you weren't thinking about how you weren't "doing enough" before that! The reality is, if you're giving it your all and doing your best then you are doing enough. It's wild how quickly social media can make us question our worth and value. I'm perfecty content with who I am right now without having to see how far along in life others my age are. When I was chronically online, I was feeling a lot of insecurity and even envy toward the people my age who have found more "success" than I have by this age. Even though I genuinely believe that everybody is on their own time and every path is different and unique, and it is exactly as it's meant to be. But when I'm constantly seeing others where I want to be or successfully doing what I want to do, it changes how I feel about myself and how I feel about where I'm at. I don't need to waste any more energy feeling down or doubting myself. I've done enough of that!
Sure you can't forget us pals on here.😊
You showing up for someone is important. Reddit is a hellhole but this sub is great.
It is literally life saving imo
Haha!! I have no social media except reddit. I think I fool myself into thinking it doesn't count cause I'm anonymous 😉 it is freeing as heck
I was just thinking about how much Instagram just pisses me off. The algorithm knows what gets my attention, and unfortunately it knows what controversial stuff gets my attention not just nice things like cats or whatever So here I am on Reddit instead. I am consciously aware of this loop, I think social medias gotta go
Me too. I got rid of my car and now walk everywhere, and apart from Reddit, I have no social media. Day 9 of no alcohol today, and I literally feel as free as a bird.
Friends ain't what they used to be. I should know.
Aint that the truth.
“But uh, a thug changes, and love changes And best friends become strangers, word up” -Nas, The Message
Facts
For real. I feel that so deep.
Things changed for me after I quit drinking and I’m not sure if things changing is what made me stop, or if stopping was the catalyst for more change. I’m also not sure if the changes were more to do with me, or whether they had nothing to do with me. Sometimes change begets more change, and there are always unanticipated consequences, but at least you have a clear and sober head to try and make more sense of it than I’m able to. IWNDWYT
This. When I quit drinking, there was a domino effect of change. Most, if not all, changes have had a net positive effect on my life, even if a lot of them were incredibly challenging to get through. Some of those changes were simply inevitable, and came about more quickly because of sobriety. For example, friendships fizzling out, which was incredibly painful and confusing for a while. I eventually realized during the painful fizzle that these friendships weren’t actually fulfilling me anymore anyways. Once I had this realization, I began considering what would actually make me happy in life. Up to that point, I’d mostly lived my life according to what I thought would be acceptable to the people around me, and I used alcohol to numb the frustration of an unfulfilling life. Sobriety forces me to reckon with my own personal truth, and to live it IRL instead of just dreaming about and numbing it. Since then, I’ve made many small but important shifts in how I live my life, which has brought about more and more change. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. I’m sorry to hear about your friends, OP. I know it fucking sucks. I share a similar wound, and I can still feel it. I’m with you in navigating the new space that this kind of situation leaves behind. Wishing you, and me, empowerment and freedom in that new space.
> ...and I used alcohol to numb the frustration of an unfulfilling life. Well. That gave me some strong feels.
I just went through a lot of this too. When you realize you always feel worse after being around some people, or talking to them. Relationships shouldn't be transactional, but if they're only beneficial for one person, something needs to change. I'm really struggling with figuring out what makes me happy while feeling like I've lost a lot of people out of my life. (I can't say support, bc I realize they never actually supported me)
God, I feel like I could have written this myself. I feel you. I’ve recently found some happiness in exploring some of the activities I did before alcohol. Specifically, playing oboe and jogging. I was a high school band geek, and I didn’t have much coordination so I did cross-country and track (poorly) until I was a sophomore. It’s funny, because I don’t think I had “fun” while doing these things as a kid. But I find them both pretty satisfying as an adult. The oboe makes me feel a little silly, but that’s kind of nice. The jogging gives me a sense of accomplishment and has a beautiful effect on my mood. I also hope to find some people in the running community who I could be friends with. The thought of that intimidates me. But maybe that’s because I’ve always settled for easy and comfortable, and I’m not used to going after what I actually want, so I’ve self-sabotaged in the past. But anyways. Best of luck to you, friend. And congrats for recognizing that you deserve better friendships in your life 🫶🏼.
Well said, some of the change is hard but that doesn’t mean it’s bad or unwelcome, in fact it’s the opposite. It’s big and it’s grand, and it’s scary - it’s life, and we are living it, and loving every second of it.
"Small but important shifts." Exactly.
Congratulations on not drinking. At least you can deal with this betrayal with a sober mind.
It's the only way to move forward. Wallowing and drinking never helps.
Thank you.
I wouldn't call it betrayal, people just grow apart sometimes. If we make everything good and evil than it's easier to become resentful and encourage yourself to do something you'll regret. This hurts for sure, but I'm proud of OP for processing this sober instead of pushing it off with alcohol.
We’re not making everything good and evil. That’s hyperbole. I think she was betrayed. Mature people who grow apart can acknowledge it and talk about it. Abandoning someone who was a friend without word and excluding someone from a group they were a part of is mean.
I agree.
Way to stay strong. Sorry about your crummy ex-friends, OP. I know we’re all internet strangers, but we’ve got your back and we’re here for you 💚 Proud of you for keeping sober.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. This has happened to me and it’s gut wrenching. However, not to the tune of 20 year friendships. I’m so sorry for your hurt & am very proud that you’re here with us! Having a girls night with you tonight in solidarity. Crackers, cheese, a Poppi soda & scrolling this sub ❤️
❤️
Seem like they’re a bunch of twats you’re better off without!
Yeah, fuck those bitches!
Yeah! They belong in the bin!
Put ‘em in the dang bin!!!
Living well is the best revenge. Focus on yourself, not them.
I personally think life was much MUCH better before social media. Who needs constant reminders of what everyone else is doing? I have enough on my mind and consuming my time to waste it on social media.
Hey. Just wanted to share I lost both of my best friends last year. We 3 were close and I shared the most intimate details of my life with them. I noticed things starting to feel “off” for a while and one of the friends becoming increasingly hostile towards me. Long story short, I started being left out of plans and she turned the other girl against me so when I called her out for leaving me out, it started a huge fight and I lost both of them. Looking back she was a huge “mean girl”. And she was jealous of me. And I knew that but I ignored it. Right after I lost them I met my fiance and got pregnant so sometimes we lose people to make room for better things in our life. But I saw them at the mall together just yesterday while I was shopping alone and I won’t lie, some of the old hurt came back. Losing friends in such a way feels physically painful. I hope you make and find better friends (I haven’t brought myself to get close to anyone yet)
Sorry that happened to you friend.
I am sorry you are hurt but so happy you didn’t let that throw you back into the drunk oblivion! The universe is just purging your life from all the toxins! I know it sucks right now but I promise it will make sense in the future and you will heal! Through my recovery the universe also got rid of every “friend” I had and only kept the once who truly love and respect me. And I am finding new amazing friends now! We are here for you! IWNDWYT
Very sorry, there are not many things that suck more than being left out of something. Especially if you are excluded by people that you thought were friends. Great job not drinking, would have made it so much worse. IWNDWYT
Thank you so much 😊
Oh man, that sucks. I'm so sorry for you.
It does suck. Thank you
In my experience we non-drinkers can make those that partake, uncomfortable. I think it is easier for them to not have us around rather than have to possibly look closer or more honestly at themselves and their drinking behaviors. You are the adult here, making good decisions and changing your life for the better. I honestly look at this process as a weeding out of the drinking friends. Finding the true, intimate relationships that survive sobriety. I am proud of you and thank you for sharing your story. Peace on your journey friend.
This is how I felt when I was drinking. I didn't want to ruin my moment of peace with an uncomfortable social situation regarding how I needed to behave around someone who did no longer drink.
I have deep trauma from being excluded from girl groups dating back to elementary school. I am so sorry, it’s seriously the worst feeling in the world when you think someone considers you more of a friend than they actually do. We are social creatures, we innately want to feel like we belong. And those girls know that, so they likely feel pretty good about themselves right now because they weren’t the odd one out (this time). Their inclusion in the group means more because you were excluded. *They want you to beg.* This is how female social groups work. After a few rounds of being excluded, I want you to know it’s not your job to prove your worth to them. You literally can’t, so move right along. Cry your eyes out behind closed doors because it hurts like hell, but do not let them see you sweat. Your best revenge is showing them that you believe in yourself and you don’t need them to feel validated the way they need each other. Be proud of yourself for not drinking - they DO NOT get to take that from you. My favorite advice (unironically from TikTok): If you weren’t invited, don’t go. If you weren’t told, don’t ask. If you are invited late = decline. Educate them on how you expect to be treated. You will be surprised who comes crawling back.
I relate so much to this. Went through being excluded as a kid and the downright cruelty of female friend groups. That mean girl stuff is incredibly painful. IWNDWYT.
I’m so sorry. This has happened to me too and it hurts like hell. I block those people when I know it’s going on to protect my peace, but that sharp twinge of hurt when you first see the pictures online is all too familiar and I’m sorry you experienced that. Proud of you for not drinking!
Thank you very much & sorry you also went through it too.
One of the first wake up calls I had when thinking I was doing good hiding my addiction was when a good friend of mine since elementary school (hes in our guys group chat) didn't invite me to their wedding and I didn't even know they were getting married. I was told by one of our friends when it was coming up and was told "**** is just afraid of you not being able to stop when you get started. Personally we think you wouldn't go that far at his wedding (Honestly I think I'd have been fine but who knows right?) but its not our call." I was so upset and angry about it and its a huge thing looking back in hindsight but I wasn't sober then and I wasn't close to being ready for sobriety. Did he make the right decision? It was his and his wife's day so to them they did and I respect them for it. I've been to a wedding after I got sober in which they were there and he actually clarified a few things and apologized to me about it but said "I am just glad you got help. We love you man".
Yeah, I crashed a wedding by getting too drunk and throwing up and passing out in the bathroom.
Thats unfortunate. But live and learn and all that.
If your friends are ghosting you because you're sober, either they have concerns about their own drinking or, you were just a drinking buddy. Both are good reasons to ditch that friendship/friendships.
Only a couple of them know about me being sober. The two main girls that planned did not know & one of them doesn’t drink. So it isn’t about drinking.
They're just straight up dicks.
I’m so sorry that you experienced this! Early this morning, I actually deleted Snapchat, and unfriended all friends, not family, from Facebook and Instagram. My true friends can call or text, or not. I need to start taking care of ME. I’m so proud of you for not drinking over the weekend!!!!! This group of awesome people are here for you!
Congrats on not drinking! Stay strong! I retired recently. I found out I did not have any friends at work. They were just people I worked with. Learned to live life alone. I kinda like it this way.
WWNDWYT. I know it had nothing to do with sobriety, but sobriety can still be a lonely road. Not all paths can be traveled as a party. Not sure why they did that to you, but I gotta leave some people behind myself. Not necessarily for their drinking or my sobriety, but for their messed up behaviours. Wish you the best.
Thank you
That really sucks, being excluded is so painful. Glad you’re handling it sober, but I’m sorry for the hurt. ❤️🩹
Thank you. This community is so supportive ❤️
I’m so sorry. This happened to me too, my “bff” of THIRTY years. Not because of drinking, but because I had a nervous breakdown because of physical issues and that was it, she was very involved when it happened and then when I wasn’t getting better she abandoned me. It hurts so much.
Sorry
I lost one good friend. It was a lot because I don’t have a lot I’m close to. I realized drinking cocktails was a mainstay of our interaction. Then I started drinking again. She didn’t come back. Now I’m starting over.
Good luck, friend. I know how it feels. IWNDWYT
Something similar happened to me last year. Very close knit group of girls all went for a Bachelorette weekend and I didn't get an invite or hear anything about it and only found out through our snaps sent to our larger group of friends' snapchat group. It sucked. My heart was shattered and I cried all day. I know it was because of my behaviour in active addiction that I wasn't invited, but the heartache/break I felt was the most intense I've felt from a friendship situation. I drank because of it, and am so proud of you for not! Stay strong babe ❤️
Oh my goodness I feel your pain hun. So sorry it happened to you. You stay strong to girl!❤️
I am copying and pasting parts of a comment I made on another post earlier today, but your post really hit home for me, as I have been basically eliminated from my group of core girlfriends (there were 4 of us). I also have been excluded from many things over the past 6 months or so, probably even longer. I am the last of our group to turn 40 this week (the other ladies are 42-44) and I celebrated each of their big bdays with each of them. I am heartbroken they didn't come to our backyard BBQ this weekend to celebrate my upcoming 40th, nor did they call, text, or even respond to the FB invite. I am so sad that I probably won't be hearing from them on my actual bday this week, and if I do it will likely be a "happy birthday" text and nothing more. When I should be celebrating, I feel like my upcoming bday is marred by not celebrating with the people I loved the most, and who I thought loved me. These were friends of over 10 years, including my "best" friend. The reasons are varied why our friendships have fizzled... Partly because of covid; even though we initally maintained contact, it slowed over time and never got back to the point of getting together. Partly because as we have gone through our 30s, we have slowly drifted as our lives have changed with kids, work; etc. We all have things in our personal lives that have changed us. Partly because of my drinking: I self-isolated a lot and also because they could see how my drinking was affecting my life. I have talked to the closest few and have finally come to the conclusion that we are just never going to get back to where we were. We were much closer than just drinking buddies, but a lot of our time spent together did include alcohol. I have had to come to terms with the fact that while these relationships were some of the most important in my life for a long time, they just don't fit anymore. There's no anger on my part, but it does make me very sad. I don't know how to make new friends at this point in my life, even though there are lots of suggestions I have read in this sub. All I can do at this point is continue on the path that I know is best for me, and if I see these ladies enjoy them when I do, but I am also done with trying to forge the river between us now. I am hoping as I continue to remain sober I will find new friends/acquaintances through new outlets, but first I need to just be my best for me and my husband/kids. I am sorry you're going through something similar; no advice here just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is not just you! Great job not drinking through it, and we are all here to support you and commiserate when needed! Xoxo
Hugs to you my friend..
Sobriety and stoicism have helped me a lot. And I want to say as Marcus Aurelius said “not everyone may like me and that is their problem.” if you lose friends because you do not drink, then they were not your friends. You are a strong woman and I’m very proud of you.
🫂
Good job with your sobriety. It's lame to be left out. One thing that helped me was to be more proactive in initiating activities. I started weekly hangouts, inviting several people to do a different activity every week, knowing that lives are busy and not everyone enjoys every activity. But people appreciated the effort and had fun participating when they could. Longer trips I tend to keep more one on one, because I like the focused connection with others and also the ease of traveling in pairs or three or four max. Large groups are a total pain, imo. But everyone has their own preferences.
Time to distance yourself. Good for you for staying strong. Better people are out there.
Ya I hate this feeling. Sucks when you’re not as close as you thought or lower in the friend group than you thought. I’ve never been at the favorite of a friend group. I always feel a little left out.
I lost a lot of friends. People I called my family when I quit. Just goes to show that it wasn’t real. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s terrible. The silver lining is that you find out who truly loves you and has your back.
You'll find that some of your closest friends won't get it. In fact they will be dissapointed. Do you really need friends like that though. When I quit 4 years ago I had two dearest friends who understood and really supported. My best man at my wedding dropped me like a stone. He still drinks like a fish
Sending you caring thoughts. This kind of thing really gets me and I would be so broken up too (this kind of thing has also happened to me). Take good care of yourself. You are important and not alone. IWNDWYT
Take a social media break and find new friend groups that don't drink. You are better off without seeing that stuff
Ive seen pictures of former "friends" together on social media, even weddings lol. I know I'm better off though, wasn't treated the best by some of those guys either. I'm at peace. You're not the only one.
I have been ghosted so many times I have given up on friendships but the older and more sober become I am very happy not to deal with the gossip and drama. I embrace my solitude. I just deactivated my Facebook. I don’t watch the news. Deleted apps that show any kind of news headlines. Don’t listen to news channels - just listen to audiobooks. My mental health has definitely improved not having to listen to doom and gloom or be overwhelmed with ads targeted at me.
This happened to me too. I still don’t know why I was pretty much outed from the group. After more than 10 years of friendship, vacations together, years of tradition… Suddenly they were doing it all without me. Initially, I thought it was because of my drinking, but even sober I have been excluded. When I see things that they post together, I have to admit that that has been a huge trigger for me. I started drinking again in December after seeing a social media post that I normally would’ve been a part of. I have since vowed not to allow whatever issues they have with me be my problem or cause me any more pain. Another friend of mine told me why I’m so hurt by this is because I would never treat anyone else this way. I’m not perfect, I can be a bit much for some people, but I have enough people that love me to help me feel worthy and be a soothing balm to heal the burns from friends that apparently never were really friends to begin with. I am so proud of you that you didn’t drink. And I stand with you to never let pain caused from being excluded to be an excuse to lead me astray. IWNDWYT
I'm so sorry. That is the worst feeling. Screw those guys!!
This happened to me, after a very bad breakup I begged my “friends” to include me in things so I could stay busy. After many weekends of seeing them out on friend group weekend trips I finally decided, fuck em. Blocked em all. No regrets
I’m 2 years off social media (only have Reddit for entertainment & pages like this!) and let me tell you how GOOD it feels, when someone says “did you know so & so did this” no I didn’t, because it didn’t pertain to my daily life so it had no affect to me! & it’s joyous
You’re gonna be friends with us now
❤️
It sucks when you aren't really part of the friend group like you thought you were, or when you start to notice certain people are drifting away. I was caste out of my main friend group a couple of years ago post a really ugly divorce. And now I'm starting to notice that the switzerland friends are distancing themselves from me too, even the ones that heard the pain I went through and believed me when I finally spoke about the trauma I endured. It's hard. I've started to form new friends and most of them are in a city nearby so it makes being in my town feel very lonely. Ive tried grtting back out there but unfortunately my favorite spots in town are also spots my old possee enjoy, and I still have trauma flashbacks when I see my ex or former friends at those places. I've become a home body and to be honest, since I quit drinking, I wish hanging out at the house and socalizing was a thing. Like why did our society stop doing porch hangouts and game nights? Anyways, you're not alone, and if anything drinking will just cause a sad thought to spiral. It's something I'm learning to live with on my journey. Drugs, weed, and alcohol do not get rid of the sadness, they only postpone it and make it worse when you sober up. Learn to sit with the feeling and eventually it will pass.
I'm proud of you. I would totally have a fun sober girls night with you!! N then a spa night 🌙 what I've been doing a lot lately. You are so awesome, look at how great you handled that. I'm sorry for what happened though. Sometimes life just gives us hard lessons. You are gonna be okay. 💜🩵
💕
Sending hugs. This situation sucks. I've been there. ❤
🤗 thank you
Cool. Let them go. You just saved your brain and the rest of your body. Crying is good. It supposedly eases mental pain. IWNDWYT.
Im sorry and I know it hurts. Are they heavy drinkers themselves? I wrote a post slightly touching this subject yesterday and got some helpful replies Hang in there ❤️
Fuck em! IWNDWYT
Well done! I know how hard that is. I have been excluded lately too, sometimes because of not drinking, and sometimes other reasons or seemingly no reason... It hurts. But so pleased that you didn't drink even though you were tempted. IWNDWYT 👍
That hurts so much. I'm so sorry they did this to you. I'm proud that you didn't drink because of it. Think about if you went - you probably would have had drinks with them or at least been pressured about being sober You're better off in this scenario even though it doesn't feel like it.
Im so sorry. Proud of you for not drinking.
Thank you.
that is a tough situation and good for you for hanging in there and not drinking.
Ahww that totally sucks. I think most people have had an experience like that where they felt really excluded. I know I have, and I always get really upset about it. It might help to tell someone in the group you're close with that you were sad they didn't invite you. Then at least they know and can tell you why. I did this recently and my friend apologized and was invited the next time, but ofcourse every situation is different. Good for you for not drinking!
Hey, congrats on getting through that sober. It's times like that which will make you the strongest person ever. I don't know exactly why, but going through betrayal/loss of trust somehow makes us invincible afterwards. Again, very proud of you. It will get better. You will make new friends. Times will still suck and they will be awesome, and they will be boring, too. Life is filled with endless ups and downs. Keep going.
Thank you
You are functioning at a higher rate of vibration than they are due to your sobriety. Lower vibration people sometimes feel uncomfortable when they meet someone who has got their shit together
I think this is an excellent reminder of who we think are our friends when we involve drinking in most, if not all of the contact, we have with our friends.
I can relate, had a similar experience with someone I thought was one of my best friends going on a river float she told me she'd take me on and that I'd expressed I'd love to go in years past. Honestly, just sucks no way around it. Best way to move on is to take care of yourself and do the things that make you happy. For me it's been difficult because socializing (and in the past drinking) have been one of my favorite things, but I've had to learn to do things that enrich me even if that means doing them alone. You're not alone. IWNDWYT
Thank you. Sorry that happened to you also. Hugs!
Sorry this happened and proud of you for not indulging. Friendships change over time and maybe this is for the better, however heartbreaking. I'd take a break from social media and work on establishing some new friend groups. Good luck on your journey, girl!
Around 7 months ago my WhatsApp would blow up every day with messages. Now, nothing. Its my fault but I learned to love myself and be happy with my time alone. I've become stronger and no longer care or think about what everyone else is doing. Stay strong and try not to stress over it too much.
Op - ask them why. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I’m so sorry but well done for not drinking.
I’m sorry that happened. It really hurts especially when you have been friends for so long. Good for you for staying strong. You should definitely treat yourself to something nice. A favourite dessert, a new nail polish colour, if you garden go buy yourself a nice plant. Celebrate being you and doing what is good for you
I thought I had “best friends” once. Longest I ever dated a girl was when I was about 20/21. She was 17. I was completely in love with her. Well when we 1st met, my best friend died from cancer, we got together. Went to the funeral together. She was my safe place in the worst time of my life. Right after we celebrated our 1 year anniversary she told me she had been cheating on me with my dead best friends older brother. Keep in mind she was 17, he was in his late 30s. He apparently started flirting with her when he came into McDonald’s where she worked at the time. To make it worse, all of my “best friends” I had since 7th/8th grade was there at the house when she went over and they all knew she was hooking up with him. Not one single “friend” told me about it or anything. I’m 32 now and still bout makes me sick thinking about it.
I’ve got guy friends I’ve known for 30+ years and because of my changes we may hardly talk for two or three months but it’ll be that one weekend we get together, cookout on the grill, bring the kids and wives through and just enjoy ourselves despite them drinking and me not drinking. I like to think it’s out of respect because they know 90% of the time they’re going out to get fucked up and just respect I don’t do life like that anymore so they don’t tempt me with it. Alternatively they could feel salty but that’s their meal they gotta eat, has nothing to do with my plate lol. Just have to accept the fact that their lifestyle isn’t yours anymore so the interests don’t align.
Girl, I’ve been there…those are not your friends. I planned this whole vacation (didn’t book anything, just an itinerary and air bnb in mind) and then couldn’t go the week I was planning for because I had to go out of town. I found a different week that worked for everyone & they all agreed. They went on the trip when I was out of town. Literally booked the air bnb I had found and did my entire trip without me. Also tried to keep it a secret! I was so upset and probably drank heavily and used that as the excuse. Proud of you for staying sober. You don’t need those people in your life, you’re doing great!
Sorry that happened to you 🥲
If those bitches are treating you this way I would ditch them and find new friends that will invite you and. Asshole thing they did putting it on social media when they absolutely knew that you would see it. True friends wouldn't do that and treat you better.
Honestly the one that posted everything had nothing to do with the non invite. There were 2 main girls that organized the event. I am not upset at the poster, she didn’t know. There were girls at the weekend that I am Guessing did not know I was not included.
That really sucks! But you had two victories: 1) You didn't drink 2) You learned those girls weren't real friends. I was also forced/bullied out of a tight group of friends when I was 16/17. And it really hurts when people treat you like you are not enough. But you ARE enough. And you will get through this and you will make friends you can rely on. And in the meanwhile you have this amazing community. ❤️ IWNDWYT
I'm so very sorry. I lost friends of over a decade after I got sober. They just couldn't accept that for like a year I couldn't go out with them if they were drinking. When I was good to be around it they wanted nothing to do with me.
I am sorry ,this too happened to me . Your friends r uncomfortable with your sobriety and perhaps question their own alcohol use . U r different to them even though u should love yourself more for your courage and strength and putting your health first. Just let it settle down and stop looking at social media pictures it’s not doing you a bit of good. One or two of your friends will surface after this weekend, and let you know they missed you too !!! Just give it time, heal your heart . And it time reach out and let them know u were hurt, but only if it works for you and your continued soberity!! Things will get better!!! This I know been Sober 10 years… Stay strong!
You are enough. 🌸
I love this❤️
And of course they didn’t post there drunken drama , cause you know it happens in the wee hours lol
Sending you so many hugs and I am proud of you. ❤️
🤗❤️
That sucks and I'm very sorry it happened to you
Thank you
It's not the same cuz they weren't my friend of 20 years, but I thought they would be when we first started hanging out in college. I very quickly became best friends with my roommate, and our group grew. My roommate and I moved into a house junior year. We had a shared bathroom. One Saturday night, I was hanging out in my bedroom alone and decided I need to use the bathroom. There was the whole friend group in my roommate's bedroom, hanging out, laughing, having drinks. No one said anything, and I just closed the bathroom door. I feel your pain. Congratulations on not drinking cuz I sure did 👏👏
I’ve had something very similar happen recently, hardest thing ever. We got this.
I am sorry 😢
I deactivated Facebook (not deleted, in case I want to go back for photos). I had to cull my follower list on IG and ban a few people. I decided that the people I socialized with weren't in my life anymore, so why did I care what they were up to, and why did they deserve to know what was going on with me? I lost a lot of people in the year following my sobriety. I've been trying to make new friends. I've recently tried to reach out to a few people I was super close with but they treated me like a casual acquaintance. I tried not to be too hurt by that. It really sucks, but people reveal their true natures, especially on social media, and they make it easy for you to decide who to or not to trust. Keep your head up, you'll get through this! And brava for not picking up!!!
So proud that’s shitty but u r the bigger person! And won u didn’t drink u go girl u r so strong
You're the best for not drinking! Fuck those friends, you deserve loyal friends! I'm sorry that happened. Female friendships can be so heartbreaking. IWNDWYT
I’ve lost a lot of folks along the way. Just focusing myself on getting better for my wife and daughter and hopefully one day they may see it firsthand and forgive my past blunders.
I’m so sorry. That sucks. I’m also so proud of you. Way to go.
Thank you!
My friends know my husband and I don’t drink. I could see this happening to us though it hasn’t yet.
Most of the girls actually did not know I stopped drinking honestly.
Umm yes a very shitty feeling ok so sorry ! I wouldn’t feel good about that either
Thanks for that, yes you’re right.
I am so proud of you. You are so strong. It took strength not to drink Perhaps they thought it might trigger you? IWNDWYT.
No that would not be the case I highly doubt. But thank you.
Proud of you, that's a tough situation, feeling excluded/rejected is the worst. IWNDWYT.
Thank you 😊
Is it possible that they know your sober journey and didn’t want to present you with a tough situation or put you in a situation that could trigger you to want to drink?
No, I have kept it under the radar for sure. But thank you for trying to look at the bright side:)
Damn. I’m sorry. I’ve been there, and it sucks ass. My least favorite thing is trying to figure out if they forgot about me or purposefully didn’t tell me about the plans. And idk which is worse 🙃
Both suck right??!!
I am very, very proud of you! Being excluded like that for no apparent reason *hurts*. We naturally we want to pour alcohol on that hurt, but that’s obviously a bad idea. I am so glad you made the healthy choice to work through the emotions, as painful as they are. You are awesome, and IWNDWYT!
Yeah...I had someone I thought was a friend that has left me out of everything since I told her. She just told me that she had a gals night, that i wasn't invited to. It was ok cause I know all they did was drink but like damn...it stings a bit. I'm sorry that happened. I'm really proud of you for not drinking.
Hugs, OP! I’m proud of you for not drinking. As I’ve written in another comment, I dealt with being ghosted by a friend group before sobriety, but I only really dealt with the remnants of resentment in sobriety. Sometimes all you can do is sit with the hurt and take deep breaths. It won’t always feel like this. It’s morning for me but joining you with a coffee on the couch ❤️
Great job in staying on course and honoring your sobriety! It's truly commendable how you have managed to navigate through what must have been a challenging journey. Your resilience and strength are truly inspiring, to those around you. It's clear that you have the ability to overcome obstacles and face difficult situations head-on. Keep up the amazing work and continue to stay strong in your commitment to sobriety. Your determination and dedication are truly admirable. Remember, you are capable of achieving anything you set your mind to. Keep pushing forward and never give up on yourself. You've got this! This is where you'll start to search for people of the same energy and interest. Doesn't mean these individuals aren't your friends, or they are wrong or bad. As you begin your search for individuals with similar energy and interests, you will discover that these new connections do not diminish the friendships you already have. This is a time to get to know yourself better and try new hobbies. You can also start doing things you used to enjoy but stopped doing. Along the way, you will encounter like-minded individuals who share your interests, same emotional energy, leading to the formation of meaningful friendships based on shared goals and aspirations beyond simply socializing or drinking. While your current friends likely have good intentions and respect your sobriety, it is common for our minds to focus on the negatives and feelings of abandonment. It is important to recognize that these feelings are often a result of our brain's protective mechanisms, working hard to keep us safe by creating stories and perceptions that may not always be accurate. This is proof that our human brain loves to play tricks on us and see the negatives over the positives, for it's trying to protect us by working super hard and making up stories. Feeling different and abandoned is the worst feeling that cuts deep.
I had a certain “friend” that was always having parties and didn’t invite me. She made a new set of friends that was weird towards me for some reason. I was invited to one party with them actually, and I felt uncomfortable the whole time. I think that’s why I stopped seeing her or being invited to anything. In retrospect, I’m glad I don’t have to force myself through that. Those girls barely knew me or had any context to dislike me, so I don’t want to place myself around that energy. Most of the time it has nothing to do with you, people are jealous/ vindictive for the silliest of reasons. Sometimes it’s something subliminal that you can’t tell you’re giving off. But in any case, you’re better off with real friends and people that can openly communicate with you.
I hurt for you too friend. I know that pain. My best friend of almost 20 years decided our lives were too different and mine was not Christian enough to remain my friend. Sent a short message saying we had “some good times together”. Some good times? Two decades? Deaths, births, marriages, but just chalked up to good times. She never spoke to me again. Always left me on read. Then one day my mom told me, you were always more her friend than she was to you and your heartbreak shows how much more of a friend you are. You too and your heartbreak shows how much more of a real friend you are and they don’t deserve that level of friendship and respect that they are so willing to throw aside. A real tribe won’t do that to you and I know you’ll find them and they’re out there longing to find you. And until then, and always, and ever when you need us, all of us here will be your tribe to the end. And we WNDWYT 💕
Ughhh I’m sorry for you pal! Nobody tells us that friendships can be tricky in adult life and that the feeling of being left out hurts the same at 38 as 8. It’s a yucky feeling. First off well done for sticking to your principles and being a good friend to YOURSELF by staying on track and not drinking. Jesus that sounds so cheesy and therapyspeaky but u know what I mean. Being able to shepherd yourself through shitty times like this and choosing what’s ultimately the best thing to do, that’s being an ally to yourself and that’s priceless. Well done 👍 As for the friends - you’re not asking for advice but I’ll plough in anyway and make my suggestion! Ask one of them what’s up. Tell them you were a bit shocked. If she says “we just thought you wouldn’t want to go because ur not drinking” (I’d eat my hat if she DOESNT say that) then here’s your chance to say (calmly very calmly and very nicely) “ya know what, that’s ok I get that, but it hurt my feelings not to be asked and made me feel so crap. If there’s something going on I really want to be asked even if it’s booze related” it’s your chance to be vulnerable which feels temporarily gross but is necessary .. to show her you didn’t like it and you don’t want that to happen again. Even if it doesn’t feel natural to bring things up it’s always the better thing.
I’m sorry. I’ve seen this happen to woman in my town and it’s mainly about climbing the social tower. One woman in the group actually had an affair with another’s husband and the whole group kicked the victim wife out and kept the bad one…it’s all social status. If the woman you hung out with was a gossip then good riddance! I’d recommend staying off social media as it’s good for the soul! Make new connections and just keep focusing on your sobriety! I bet they’re all jealous of the new you!