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I would push to have a coparenting app as part of the divorce settlement. Your ex is all about control and it would be good to have an app specifically meant to hold each other accountable.
Already way ahead of you on that. We agreed to it between us and all communication has gone through there and has only been used for necessary information. And it definitely had seemed like she wants control. I’ve tried wrapping my head around for what reason she could but oh well
The good news is you can grey rock from here on out and avoid any communications with her. I wouldn't even talk to her at exchanges and tell her to text it to you on the app instead. You limit her control through grey rock.
Even better. Grey rock becomes much easier as you only need to respond to the minimum from her and avoid all contact. It’ll be much easier to build a separate life from her. Do the work to manage the trauma she left you with and start focusing forward on yours and your daughter’s life.
Many try and want to control others but they can't control someone who won't let themselves be controlled so the bal is in your court regarding this OP. Not saying it's easy, as it isn't but it is up to you and not her.
Sorry you're in this boat, my ex-wife cheated on me too.
Good luck.
I mean, in a sense I am. I’m no longer walking on eggshells or having internal panics wondering where she’s going or who she’s being with since she’s no longer here. Again, only been two days. I’m feeling happier just from that alone. And I definitely am working on the acting part, it’ll come with time but I’ll keep working at it
I mean, they got her toys, effectively helped me replace all her clothes in a day, and a toddler bed frame for her. I was so overwhelmed when I saw it all
You are surrounded by wonderful people, celebrate them
They will be absolutely overjoyed to see your baby girl wearing those clothes, or playing with those toys.
I think everyone is like that, except only maybe super strong ones. He barely uses social media, nothing to look there, I still check whether he's online. I've deleted pics, number, email, other social media accs of his. Threw his gifts, stuff that resembled him.
Pain shopping is like a loose string on a shirt or sweater.
You know you shouldn't pull it because it will start to unravel.
The curiosity nags at you though.
Just remember, there's no good outcome from opening yourself back up to her that way.
Absolutely. I haven’t done it yet since she’s left and I don’t want to let her win. Granted, she wouldn’t know, but I don’t want to give her that win regardless.
Or am I just crazy? Well, maybe. Codependent withdrawal is a trip. The only way to be sure is to go to therapy. For the moment, you just need to ask yourself how you are going to determine your self worth when for the entire duration of your relationship you artificially attached your value to whatever mood she was in that particular day. I encourage you to focus on yourself. You had goals when you were still in the relationship, and you still need goals. Live on purpose. Make yourself a small goal for tomorrow. Something that doesn't involve her or anything she wanted. Make a slightly larger goal for the end of the week, a moderately larger one to end the month, and something ambitious to end the year. Focus on those. She isn't the only one who can manifest better things. Somehow I have the feeling you will do better at it than she will.
I have been going to therapy since I got back and before D-day and I’ve been feeling more okay with the current situation because of it. And at the moment, I have small monthly goals that I’ve been working on with my therapist and those have definitely been helping out a lot
You don’t mention the AP much. Is this person single or a cheater too? Is this person known by your daughter? Do you think it’s serious or will your stbxw end up alone because the AP likes having sex with married women, not single women?
So your wife changed after giving birth? Wonder if she has mental issues from the pregnancy. Or if she’s on substances? How does a teacher pretty much abandon her own kid? Seems like she’s gravitate towards children.
So, I don’t mention them much because I’ve never met them, and realistically while I am upset with him he’s not the one who truly torched my marriage. He has met my daughter on multiple occasions unfortunately. And it seems serious, but I try not to think about that too much since that’s no longer my choice to have a say or problem.
I think it is mental issues that she still hasn’t resolved yet, but idk. As far as substance abuse goes, she has mentioned she had smoked marijuana while I was away, and I’m sure she’s done it more often now. I legitimately don’t know the person that I came back to which is why I’ve been working on getting her out of my life as much as possible.
I mean, maybe? And that’s assuming she ever does. I won’t count on it. My therapist and my father (who have predicted a lot of her actions up to this point and correctly unfortunately) said she will and she’ll come knocking at my door one day. I honestly hope she doesn’t crash because I don’t ever want her back in my life again.
it takes a while for those feelings of withdrawal to go away. they were a part of your life, its a lot like grieving a death.
no contact is a big one though, it helps so much towards moving on when that person isn't jumping back into your life to rip open wounds that were beginning to heal.
I wont lie, the "self improvement" and "manifesting better things" lines from your ex made me laugh. My ex was and still is big on the "mindfulness" nonsense. Its just a smokescreen for them to mask their crap behavior. "look at me! i did a bad thing but i'm talking about being better! look at how much im talking about being better! im so good!" its a pathetic attention grab, nothing more.
Meanwhile, you are doing the necessary work to improve yourself and manifest better things. You are actively taking steps to improve not only your own life and well being, but your daughter's as well.
In a funny way, I couldn’t help but laugh too for the same reasoning. It’s like, exactly how can you call something “self-improvement” when every step up to that point has been nothing but destructive? I digress.
But that is the goal to just get better for when I am ready to have another partner to not be co-dependent like I was this time and just be the best dad I can be from here on out. She took away my identity as a husband, but she can never take away my identity as a father and that had gotten me through so much already.
I totally get the withdrawals.
We get so used to the small things the other half does that it’s scary and sort of, sobering to realize hey- I’m alone now. It’s natural to crave our old lives/routines. When I get sad or lonely or want to talk to him- I remind myself how lonely I felt after i discovered all the affairs. I remind myself that I was living a lie before and that I was never safe or secure with this person. He never tried to fix that or care what affect it had taken on me, except to be upset I had “changed”. Sure I don’t have a person to lay and watch shows with, and I have to take on all the household duties. But I’d rather be sad for a bit and alone than accept bad company.
Yeah, it really has been sobering, and painful coming to that realization. When it hit me that I can’t just ask her about her day anymore and that she’ll never ask about mine really got to me. And I completely get what you mean by them saying you’ve changed. And the thing is, we had to just to survive with them and even without them. We had to become cold and more calloused than before just to make it through the pain, just to make it one more day. Even though I am alone physically, I’m not alone ever which is what has helped me get through this part. My friends and family have made themselves available at all times, even my therapist. I can’t believe I’ve been this lucky where I know so many others haven’t.
Hey OP, what she took where only material stuff, do not let that get to you, and i happy for you for having such splendid support group. Please i invite you to not see her social, because this will only hurt you and is like shooting yourself on the foot.
She is gone dude, she is someone else problem now, you just care about your daughter, and use an app to comunicate with your Ex about your daugther issues only. You will be alright in no time, but do not seek/shoop pain.
**"I finally stopped pain shopping and removed the stbxw from everything on social media and deleted every single photo possible."**
This is the best you could do.
It did for a bit, but now that I got all those items back, I’m no longer mad. Yeah, it hurt financially but I pretty much replaced it all in two days (at least the necessities). And I haven’t, and don’t plan to but we’ll see how strong I am at resisting temptation.
Already ahead of you on the app part, we’ve only communicated via that medium. I informed her that my number is for emergencies only.
Nice, well done. Keep moving foward and let her on the back mirror. Also hope you can have the strength to not fall in the temptation, haha.
Wish you and your daughter the Best.
My ex recently started matching my energy and it made me feel feelings I wasn’t feeling before.
I don’t know…All of this sucks. It’s weird and it fucking sucks. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel after saying I love you. People are fucked up.
I don’t have a village. My ex has the village. Apparently he’s surrounded by people who support him just up and leaving a pregnant woman, which is absolutely fucking mind blowing. I’m over here, now a single mom of three kids and pregnant, completely alone. Not one person has reached out to ask, hey; are you okay?
The stress he put me through put me into pre term labour by the way. It was scary, but they stopped the contractions. It was awful. And I had to go through it alone.
People suck. They suck and they’re shitty and my faith in humanity has dipped again.
I get what you mean. Before she left, she began grey rocking me too. It was weird because before it was always confrontational and just all of a sudden it wasn’t. That was another weird dissonance.
And yeah, I get what you mean. She told me when we finally stopped at a port following almost 120 days underwater that she loved me and wanted to work on things with me. By that time, I didn’t even know that it was too late and she had moved on. When I got back, it was like the whole world got pulled out from under me. It’s awful how they can so easily just be night and day with us.
I’m so sorry to hear that, you didn’t and don’t deserve that. No one does. I hope that even though you may not have a village out there, this subreddit is one of the best villages I’ve found. It doesn’t replace people you see and hear from in the real world, but people here understand your pain and are here for you. If you ever need to or want to talk, you are always more than welcome to reach out.
I’m sorry your faith in people has been shattered, and I get what you mean. When the person you trusted and loved the most rips you apart in the most deliberate, cruel, and intimate way, it’s hard to see people as anything other than shitty. I hope someone soon restores your faith in others, not everyone is like him. You do have meaning and value in life, and you’ll find someone who can show you that one day. I hope for your sake that it happens soon.
I’ve been the one grey rocking my ex, because I’m still just in shock over the whole thing. The day he left me, he essentially judged every single thing he could about me. My parenting, my existence, my body…it was pretty messed up. When people I’m not close to judge me, I don’t really care. It’s a next level kind of cruelty when it comes from an intimate partner.
So as a result I haven’t been engaging with him. I don’t even look at him. I barely speak to him. He sent a letter to my 12 year old son a couple weeks ago, which enraged me. My son is pretty hurt, obviously. This is the first man he’s ever thought of as Dad and the guy just walks out on him. This is how abandonment issues are created. As a result, I wrote him an email. The first actual meaningful contact I’ve had since he left nearly 3 months ago. I wasn’t cruel. I wasn’t derogatory. I’m not that kind of person. I simply laid out the damage he’s done and to not contact me (unless it’s related to our child) or my children. Now he’s grey rocking me back. Which feels kind of weird, but better for everyone in my opinion.
I think there is something very wrong with my ex mentally and emotionally. I think if you’re capable of saying I love you and make future plans one day, then quite literally the next day you don’t love the person and you had been thinking for months, there’s something very wrong with you and you need professional help.
I say this as someone who has been on that side. I was the person with someone who loved me but I didn’t love him. We were so young in our early twenties, my first born was a surprise baby, and we tried to make it work. But..I wasn’t in love with him. I couldn’t. I felt awful. I tried for a year, but I was miserable. We didn’t laugh together, play or have fun. We didn’t have sex for over two years. I didn’t pretend at something either, because I’m not a fucking sociopath. And when I broke up with him, I treated him with kindness and compassion and respect.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever find good, true love. At this point, I just don’t care anymore. I’m just going to focus on my kids and get myself into school and focus on my own life. The last few years I’ve been attracting wolves in sheep’s clothing and I’m just so done with it all.
How you feel is normal I believe. I’m close to 5 months no contact. She’s been in my house a few times to get things and I always left. I don’t even believe in this sort of thing but I hated the energy left in the house every time she’d get things.
The desire to check on her and wonder what she’s doing is normal. You should really try to not do it. It won’t help you it will only hurt you. At this point, distance and the less you know the better.
I’ve been out of the house since Wednesday since she had a couple smaller items to grab. I didn’t want to risk bumping into her and starting an argument or risk her taking things I’ve replaced. Just makes the transition a little easier I hope.
It’s only been two days, but as much as the temptation is there, I haven’t. When I get those feelings I usually talk to my therapist or friends and they help reassure me it’s not worth it. Same with this subreddit, it’s been an absolute lifesaver throughout this journey
Replace those feelings with journaling about YOU here or your feelings. In 3-6 months look back on it to see improvement. Use the journal to note things you may want to discuss with a good therapist (if you have one, if you don't, I highly recommend finding one, sometimes a good objective perspective is key.)
Get another journal to document (dates and times) anything about your child/visitations, it will be considered "evidence" in a court of law if necessary.
Know that if you are around a college/university or Habitat Store or yard sales or thrift stores, they can be a great resource for furniture or home goods.
Focus on yourself and your daughter. She truly doesn't deserve your attention or to fill up your mind, it's hard. You need to learn to love yourself and trust yourself.
Make your home YOUR space.
I have journaled on and off during this time and I’ve already noticed a big difference from when I started to now. My therapist is fine with me not doing it, but I feel like it’s a must.
And I have been documenting as much as possible via screenshots. I have a file set aside just for her.
And yep, I’ve used a lot of that already and Facebook marketplace to help me get back on my feet!
I appreciate the words of wisdom, I will keep pushing onwards in that direction!
And to think, you spent so much time worrying if you'd be a good husband, but would she have been a good wife?
It's all for the best. Indifference is your friend right now.
Most definitely not just seeing how acrimoniously she left. I had hope but she dashed that in an instant, I’m glad I didn’t take her back when I had the chance.
And I’m working towards indifference right now, unfortunately I’m still pretty emotionally charged with a lot.
A weird sense of withdrawal is better than a weird sense of penetration... Your healing starts here, OP. You don't need to keep checking your emotional temperature. Go punch a pillow or something to get out the anger that you know is there, and then start making plans for your brighter future, because you have better days ahead. You are doing things right. Just detach from her. Stop thinking about what she is doing. Focus on yourself.
I just got a punching bag not too long ago that I plan on setting up soon just for that. I’ll keep working on the detachment in the meantime and try to just keep the focus on where it really matters: me and my daughter.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Been following your story. Hope you heal and find someone who cares about you bud. Thank you for your service, rah!
Thank you! And thank you for the support!
I would push to have a coparenting app as part of the divorce settlement. Your ex is all about control and it would be good to have an app specifically meant to hold each other accountable.
Already way ahead of you on that. We agreed to it between us and all communication has gone through there and has only been used for necessary information. And it definitely had seemed like she wants control. I’ve tried wrapping my head around for what reason she could but oh well
The good news is you can grey rock from here on out and avoid any communications with her. I wouldn't even talk to her at exchanges and tell her to text it to you on the app instead. You limit her control through grey rock.
We won’t even have to see each other for exchanges which is the best part
Even better. Grey rock becomes much easier as you only need to respond to the minimum from her and avoid all contact. It’ll be much easier to build a separate life from her. Do the work to manage the trauma she left you with and start focusing forward on yours and your daughter’s life.
Many try and want to control others but they can't control someone who won't let themselves be controlled so the bal is in your court regarding this OP. Not saying it's easy, as it isn't but it is up to you and not her. Sorry you're in this boat, my ex-wife cheated on me too. Good luck.
*You* should be “manifesting better things” by posting about the wonderful things that your friends bought for your daughter.
Second this. Act as if your better off. Act as if you have your shit together. Get things done. Before long that "acting" will be truth.
I mean, in a sense I am. I’m no longer walking on eggshells or having internal panics wondering where she’s going or who she’s being with since she’s no longer here. Again, only been two days. I’m feeling happier just from that alone. And I definitely am working on the acting part, it’ll come with time but I’ll keep working at it
💪👍
I mean, they got her toys, effectively helped me replace all her clothes in a day, and a toddler bed frame for her. I was so overwhelmed when I saw it all
You are surrounded by wonderful people, celebrate them They will be absolutely overjoyed to see your baby girl wearing those clothes, or playing with those toys.
I think everyone is like that, except only maybe super strong ones. He barely uses social media, nothing to look there, I still check whether he's online. I've deleted pics, number, email, other social media accs of his. Threw his gifts, stuff that resembled him.
Pain shopping is like a loose string on a shirt or sweater. You know you shouldn't pull it because it will start to unravel. The curiosity nags at you though. Just remember, there's no good outcome from opening yourself back up to her that way.
Absolutely. I haven’t done it yet since she’s left and I don’t want to let her win. Granted, she wouldn’t know, but I don’t want to give her that win regardless.
You have amazing friends. I hope they make this transition easier.
They really are amazing
Or am I just crazy? Well, maybe. Codependent withdrawal is a trip. The only way to be sure is to go to therapy. For the moment, you just need to ask yourself how you are going to determine your self worth when for the entire duration of your relationship you artificially attached your value to whatever mood she was in that particular day. I encourage you to focus on yourself. You had goals when you were still in the relationship, and you still need goals. Live on purpose. Make yourself a small goal for tomorrow. Something that doesn't involve her or anything she wanted. Make a slightly larger goal for the end of the week, a moderately larger one to end the month, and something ambitious to end the year. Focus on those. She isn't the only one who can manifest better things. Somehow I have the feeling you will do better at it than she will.
I have been going to therapy since I got back and before D-day and I’ve been feeling more okay with the current situation because of it. And at the moment, I have small monthly goals that I’ve been working on with my therapist and those have definitely been helping out a lot
You don’t mention the AP much. Is this person single or a cheater too? Is this person known by your daughter? Do you think it’s serious or will your stbxw end up alone because the AP likes having sex with married women, not single women? So your wife changed after giving birth? Wonder if she has mental issues from the pregnancy. Or if she’s on substances? How does a teacher pretty much abandon her own kid? Seems like she’s gravitate towards children.
So, I don’t mention them much because I’ve never met them, and realistically while I am upset with him he’s not the one who truly torched my marriage. He has met my daughter on multiple occasions unfortunately. And it seems serious, but I try not to think about that too much since that’s no longer my choice to have a say or problem. I think it is mental issues that she still hasn’t resolved yet, but idk. As far as substance abuse goes, she has mentioned she had smoked marijuana while I was away, and I’m sure she’s done it more often now. I legitimately don’t know the person that I came back to which is why I’ve been working on getting her out of my life as much as possible.
I have a feeling when she crashes, she’s gonna crash hard.
I mean, maybe? And that’s assuming she ever does. I won’t count on it. My therapist and my father (who have predicted a lot of her actions up to this point and correctly unfortunately) said she will and she’ll come knocking at my door one day. I honestly hope she doesn’t crash because I don’t ever want her back in my life again.
it takes a while for those feelings of withdrawal to go away. they were a part of your life, its a lot like grieving a death. no contact is a big one though, it helps so much towards moving on when that person isn't jumping back into your life to rip open wounds that were beginning to heal. I wont lie, the "self improvement" and "manifesting better things" lines from your ex made me laugh. My ex was and still is big on the "mindfulness" nonsense. Its just a smokescreen for them to mask their crap behavior. "look at me! i did a bad thing but i'm talking about being better! look at how much im talking about being better! im so good!" its a pathetic attention grab, nothing more. Meanwhile, you are doing the necessary work to improve yourself and manifest better things. You are actively taking steps to improve not only your own life and well being, but your daughter's as well.
In a funny way, I couldn’t help but laugh too for the same reasoning. It’s like, exactly how can you call something “self-improvement” when every step up to that point has been nothing but destructive? I digress. But that is the goal to just get better for when I am ready to have another partner to not be co-dependent like I was this time and just be the best dad I can be from here on out. She took away my identity as a husband, but she can never take away my identity as a father and that had gotten me through so much already.
I totally get the withdrawals. We get so used to the small things the other half does that it’s scary and sort of, sobering to realize hey- I’m alone now. It’s natural to crave our old lives/routines. When I get sad or lonely or want to talk to him- I remind myself how lonely I felt after i discovered all the affairs. I remind myself that I was living a lie before and that I was never safe or secure with this person. He never tried to fix that or care what affect it had taken on me, except to be upset I had “changed”. Sure I don’t have a person to lay and watch shows with, and I have to take on all the household duties. But I’d rather be sad for a bit and alone than accept bad company.
Yeah, it really has been sobering, and painful coming to that realization. When it hit me that I can’t just ask her about her day anymore and that she’ll never ask about mine really got to me. And I completely get what you mean by them saying you’ve changed. And the thing is, we had to just to survive with them and even without them. We had to become cold and more calloused than before just to make it through the pain, just to make it one more day. Even though I am alone physically, I’m not alone ever which is what has helped me get through this part. My friends and family have made themselves available at all times, even my therapist. I can’t believe I’ve been this lucky where I know so many others haven’t.
Hey OP, what she took where only material stuff, do not let that get to you, and i happy for you for having such splendid support group. Please i invite you to not see her social, because this will only hurt you and is like shooting yourself on the foot. She is gone dude, she is someone else problem now, you just care about your daughter, and use an app to comunicate with your Ex about your daugther issues only. You will be alright in no time, but do not seek/shoop pain. **"I finally stopped pain shopping and removed the stbxw from everything on social media and deleted every single photo possible."** This is the best you could do.
It did for a bit, but now that I got all those items back, I’m no longer mad. Yeah, it hurt financially but I pretty much replaced it all in two days (at least the necessities). And I haven’t, and don’t plan to but we’ll see how strong I am at resisting temptation. Already ahead of you on the app part, we’ve only communicated via that medium. I informed her that my number is for emergencies only.
Nice, well done. Keep moving foward and let her on the back mirror. Also hope you can have the strength to not fall in the temptation, haha. Wish you and your daughter the Best.
My ex recently started matching my energy and it made me feel feelings I wasn’t feeling before. I don’t know…All of this sucks. It’s weird and it fucking sucks. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel after saying I love you. People are fucked up. I don’t have a village. My ex has the village. Apparently he’s surrounded by people who support him just up and leaving a pregnant woman, which is absolutely fucking mind blowing. I’m over here, now a single mom of three kids and pregnant, completely alone. Not one person has reached out to ask, hey; are you okay? The stress he put me through put me into pre term labour by the way. It was scary, but they stopped the contractions. It was awful. And I had to go through it alone. People suck. They suck and they’re shitty and my faith in humanity has dipped again.
I get what you mean. Before she left, she began grey rocking me too. It was weird because before it was always confrontational and just all of a sudden it wasn’t. That was another weird dissonance. And yeah, I get what you mean. She told me when we finally stopped at a port following almost 120 days underwater that she loved me and wanted to work on things with me. By that time, I didn’t even know that it was too late and she had moved on. When I got back, it was like the whole world got pulled out from under me. It’s awful how they can so easily just be night and day with us. I’m so sorry to hear that, you didn’t and don’t deserve that. No one does. I hope that even though you may not have a village out there, this subreddit is one of the best villages I’ve found. It doesn’t replace people you see and hear from in the real world, but people here understand your pain and are here for you. If you ever need to or want to talk, you are always more than welcome to reach out. I’m sorry your faith in people has been shattered, and I get what you mean. When the person you trusted and loved the most rips you apart in the most deliberate, cruel, and intimate way, it’s hard to see people as anything other than shitty. I hope someone soon restores your faith in others, not everyone is like him. You do have meaning and value in life, and you’ll find someone who can show you that one day. I hope for your sake that it happens soon.
I’ve been the one grey rocking my ex, because I’m still just in shock over the whole thing. The day he left me, he essentially judged every single thing he could about me. My parenting, my existence, my body…it was pretty messed up. When people I’m not close to judge me, I don’t really care. It’s a next level kind of cruelty when it comes from an intimate partner. So as a result I haven’t been engaging with him. I don’t even look at him. I barely speak to him. He sent a letter to my 12 year old son a couple weeks ago, which enraged me. My son is pretty hurt, obviously. This is the first man he’s ever thought of as Dad and the guy just walks out on him. This is how abandonment issues are created. As a result, I wrote him an email. The first actual meaningful contact I’ve had since he left nearly 3 months ago. I wasn’t cruel. I wasn’t derogatory. I’m not that kind of person. I simply laid out the damage he’s done and to not contact me (unless it’s related to our child) or my children. Now he’s grey rocking me back. Which feels kind of weird, but better for everyone in my opinion. I think there is something very wrong with my ex mentally and emotionally. I think if you’re capable of saying I love you and make future plans one day, then quite literally the next day you don’t love the person and you had been thinking for months, there’s something very wrong with you and you need professional help. I say this as someone who has been on that side. I was the person with someone who loved me but I didn’t love him. We were so young in our early twenties, my first born was a surprise baby, and we tried to make it work. But..I wasn’t in love with him. I couldn’t. I felt awful. I tried for a year, but I was miserable. We didn’t laugh together, play or have fun. We didn’t have sex for over two years. I didn’t pretend at something either, because I’m not a fucking sociopath. And when I broke up with him, I treated him with kindness and compassion and respect. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find good, true love. At this point, I just don’t care anymore. I’m just going to focus on my kids and get myself into school and focus on my own life. The last few years I’ve been attracting wolves in sheep’s clothing and I’m just so done with it all.
How you feel is normal I believe. I’m close to 5 months no contact. She’s been in my house a few times to get things and I always left. I don’t even believe in this sort of thing but I hated the energy left in the house every time she’d get things. The desire to check on her and wonder what she’s doing is normal. You should really try to not do it. It won’t help you it will only hurt you. At this point, distance and the less you know the better.
I’ve been out of the house since Wednesday since she had a couple smaller items to grab. I didn’t want to risk bumping into her and starting an argument or risk her taking things I’ve replaced. Just makes the transition a little easier I hope. It’s only been two days, but as much as the temptation is there, I haven’t. When I get those feelings I usually talk to my therapist or friends and they help reassure me it’s not worth it. Same with this subreddit, it’s been an absolute lifesaver throughout this journey
Are the things you've replaced not there?
They weren’t, I had to move them in today. I was worried if I brought them back too early, she would take them on her way out.
Sounds like that was probably a really good idea.
I think so, good thing I didn’t have to find out the hard way 😅😂
Replace those feelings with journaling about YOU here or your feelings. In 3-6 months look back on it to see improvement. Use the journal to note things you may want to discuss with a good therapist (if you have one, if you don't, I highly recommend finding one, sometimes a good objective perspective is key.) Get another journal to document (dates and times) anything about your child/visitations, it will be considered "evidence" in a court of law if necessary. Know that if you are around a college/university or Habitat Store or yard sales or thrift stores, they can be a great resource for furniture or home goods. Focus on yourself and your daughter. She truly doesn't deserve your attention or to fill up your mind, it's hard. You need to learn to love yourself and trust yourself. Make your home YOUR space.
I have journaled on and off during this time and I’ve already noticed a big difference from when I started to now. My therapist is fine with me not doing it, but I feel like it’s a must. And I have been documenting as much as possible via screenshots. I have a file set aside just for her. And yep, I’ve used a lot of that already and Facebook marketplace to help me get back on my feet! I appreciate the words of wisdom, I will keep pushing onwards in that direction!
Oh yeah wait til she starts playing games with visitation before you throw a party. She sounds like the type. Prepare yourself mentally in advance
Oh yeah, the games have begun. Definitely not a fan of it but only way through it is through it unfortunately.
And to think, you spent so much time worrying if you'd be a good husband, but would she have been a good wife? It's all for the best. Indifference is your friend right now.
Most definitely not just seeing how acrimoniously she left. I had hope but she dashed that in an instant, I’m glad I didn’t take her back when I had the chance. And I’m working towards indifference right now, unfortunately I’m still pretty emotionally charged with a lot.
A weird sense of withdrawal is better than a weird sense of penetration... Your healing starts here, OP. You don't need to keep checking your emotional temperature. Go punch a pillow or something to get out the anger that you know is there, and then start making plans for your brighter future, because you have better days ahead. You are doing things right. Just detach from her. Stop thinking about what she is doing. Focus on yourself.
I just got a punching bag not too long ago that I plan on setting up soon just for that. I’ll keep working on the detachment in the meantime and try to just keep the focus on where it really matters: me and my daughter.
Be ready to take it to court. If she is really about control, her cooperation will be short lived.
Honestly, the bar for her is set so low that it’s about damn near non-existent. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went there fast.