I had a similar issue with a close friend's toddler this past year. Her daughter would constantly be fairly aggressive with mine (pushing, hitting, pulling hair). We had to be super close to them and watch them like hawks the entire time they played together, but that was exhausting and not fair to my kid who kept getting hit anyway, so I eventually just cut back on playdates.
It's better now (her toddler is less aggressive), but we still don't hang out as much unfortunately.
That sucks. I've been mulling it over and I think I'm going to do this too. Did you say anything to the parent or just kinda low key stopped making playdate plans?
Just kinda low key stopped making as many playdates. Which is a little shitty of me. But having a "hey your kid keeps hurting mine and it's hard for me to deal with" style conversation seemed like it might be more shitty... IDK if it was the right move or not, but things still seem to be okay between the mom and me so far.
It’s auch a huge shame that our social fabric has decayed to the point where we have reasonable cause to avoid communicating with other people about important issues like children being violent
I think me being awkward and conflict-avoidant is more of a personal flaw than the social fabric falling apart. 🤷♀️
>important issues like children being violent
Also, it's not like this is a 12 year old who's killing cats or something. It's a 2 year old displaying pretty normal 2 year old behavior.
19 month olds don't have impulse control. It sounds like he's doing it because it creates a big response \[she cries or adults get involved\]. It's pretty tough to stop that cycle as he hasn't got the social/emotional understanding of how it impacts others yet and you obviously need to intervene.
His mum can try stopping the hitting in a boring/calm way and modelling positive behaviours with lots of positive reactions e.g. "it's nice to be gentle" and stroking or making an exciting game he can play next to her. But if he's insistent on hitting, there's little you can do apart from close supervision and reducing contact until this phase passes.
This. It’s normal toddler behavior. If I tell my 18 month old not to hit his sister he will do it MORE! It’s the response from the hitting they like. If I instead say nice hands/gentle and pet her head, he starts doing it too! if it doesn’t stop I take the toy away… but hes still got hands so
Brief correction: As the mom of a 17m thrower/ hitter, he didn't "learn" the behavior in daycare (because he doesn't go to daycare). It's not a learned behavior. It's the child's personality + their lack of impulse control.
But yes, keep them separated if you can't ensure her safety when they're together.
Agreed! My now 2yr11mo old started hitting around 20 months and he is a stay at home kid with like one cousin who he didn’t learn the hitting from. We don’t spank and my husband and I are about the most attentive and calm parents around. So to say we were baffled and mortified at his hitting would be an understatement. It’s definitely just personality and developmentally “normal” for some.
Now that’s all to say, my husband and I have POURED ourselves into dealing with his behavior. He mostly hit adults when he didn’t get his way but he has pushed down and swatted at playmates before and that was an immediate removal from situation and consequences to follow. But I just wanted to say that if a parent ever had concerns about their child playing with mine who hit, then I would obviously be bummed but would 100% understand! As parents we all have to do what is best for our own and I wouldn’t take it personal if I was the parent of the other child!
Agreed. My kid started hitting before she could even crawl. She doesn’t have siblings or cousins yet and has never been to daycare. It’s definitely not a learned skill…more like a base impulse out of frustration.
Toddlers hit because they lack to hability to stop their impulses. Its has to deal with brain development, they are not mature enough to have controle over their impulses. Meaning, it's not a learned behavior (we don't hit our daughter and she started doing it during tantrums way before she went to daycare). More info [here](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/toddler-hitting#age-range)
Redirect. Reinforce boundaries. Talk to them. Remain calm. They learn from us and they'll grow out of it.
My friend does all of these things and it does nothing and instead of stopping he's now picking up hard objects to hit with and instead of stopping its just getting worse. He definitely doesn't have any of that behaviour at home. I guess she just can't play with him u till he grows out of it. I think all toddlers lash out during a tantrum but he hasn't having a tantrum when he hits her.
I know it's frustating and sometimes scary but it's normal. Be on top of that, be always around them and intervene right away. I personally wouldn't stop those play dates. But that's me, I can't tell you what to do.
I stayed at home with mine at this age and they hit and bite. This is normal behavior for toddlers but his mom needs to step in and teach how to play appropriately
I would simply not allow them to play together unless you are within arms reach. My son can be aggressive sometimes and it's mortifying but I've learned that I have to constantly monitor him at playgrounds and places.
What does your friend say about this ? I know you said she stops him but is she passive or attentive ?
Oof we went through this. Each child is different but what worked for my daughter was two fold. One, when something hurt her, I’d comfort her and remind her when she hit me (or the dog) that it hurt us too. . Secondly, she was also at the stage to understand friends and hurt feelings. I would tell her that hitting friends will hurt their feelings and make them not want to play anymore and that would be so sad if xyz no longer wanted to play. Best of luck!
I agree with sitting next to them and blocking the hitting attempts. It’s exhausting. I’ve been there with a friend’s child. The constant vigilance is a lot.
May I ask what setting you typically do play dates in? If you wish to continue play dates with this kiddo, I might recommend planning for a neutral setting, if you don’t do so already. I have noticed that when we have kiddos over to our house or vice versa sometimes possessiveness over toys can emerge which can lead to confrontation…those moments can be a good opportunity to teach sharing, but if hitting has been a pattern of behavior it might be something to avoid. Maybe playing at the park where there is a lot for them to engage with physically would making it easier to avoid such outbursts. Alternatively, planning more structured activities such as coloring, panting or enjoying a snack together, so the expectations are clear and they both have their own materials, but can play side by side. Going to a local green space and bringing two balls along one for each to run around and play with might be a good outlet for any energy and would keep hands occupied so there is less opportunity for hitting. If it continues, I would reduce the frequency of playdates or make an agreement with your friend that is the hitting occurs then the playdate is over. I’m sure your friend is just as aware of the fact that this is a problem as you are, so she should be able to see the logic in this. Hitting hasn’t been an issue for my little one, but she does have friends that do so- similar to your situation. That being said, if she did start hitting, I would likely wrap up the playdate or activity because I wouldn’t want to allow the behavior to continue. It isn’t safe for the child being hit nor is good for the child who is hitting (imo) to remain in a context where they will receive a reaction for that behavior and you cannot in good conscience not react to intervene, so it is better for both if the play date comes to an end when this happens. It is also not relaxing for either parent to have to worry too much about mediating that sort of behavior. I would take it on a case by case basis and if it doesn’t improve it may be time to cut back on play dates with this particular little one, at least for now. Kids will be kids and for some reason certain little ones do pick up behavior of this sort, so I pass no judgment in that regard, but since it has become a pattern of behavior for your friends kid to hit your kid, it is totally natural to want to prevent that pattern from continuing and the best way to do so may just be to take a hiatus from play dates for now.
Oof..tricky. I had a similar situation, but steered away from the kid and hanging out w them for a couple months. Sounds like normal toddler behavior but of course you don't want your daughter exposed to it, or somehow jeopardize your friendship. Not sure if that's possible, but maybe you can give it a bit of time...
If you want to keep playing I’d recommend park dates or walk dates instead of playing with toys. If you are hanging over at houses, no hard objects at all, all hard toys need to be put away. You can keep soft toys out like stuffies or the soft rubber type toys to kinda “practice” having toys out. It might be best to have more hands on activities such as sensory bins, or arts and crafts instead of leaving them to engage together.
I’d watch what is leading up to it, are toys not being shared well, space not being respected, ie what is the drive behind hitting. Is it attention from the parents, then need to keep the kids engaged before hitting happens, is it asking for space or upset about toy grabbing, keep more distance or have more or no toys out.
It’s very very normal behaviour for toddlers, some bite, throw, hit, scream, kick haha but it is communication, not aggression/violence. Hopefully with a bit of extra management and guidance it’ll just be a phase to work through.
Oh and also I’d implement moving one of the toddlers away if hitting starts. Very calmly “ouch! We can’t hit our friends so we are going to move away” and just pick up one or the other and move to a different area for a minute or two. It doesn’t have to be a time out but it’s just a more obvious “if you do this you can’t play” then they can come back calmly and I’d just say something like “okay our friend is ready to play again, let’s keep our hands to ourselves/on our toys”
Positive praise for good interactions too “wow thank you for passing friend that toy so nicely!” “I saw how gentle you were giving your friend a high five, they really like when you play like that”
Prefacing interactions with “NO Hitting” puts the thought in the back of their mind so ideally tell them what they can do “okay if you want your friend to move can you say “please move!” ?” While moving friend away yourself for example.
As soon as they came over he went straight for my daughter to hit her. He also went to lift a big toy and started walking towards her to like throw it at her. And a lot of times when I said no and my friend did he would continue. I've said no to my daughter and she will stop or no longer do 2hat I've told her not to. Its exhausting to keep watching it happen over and over. I think best to just not let him play with my daughter until this is resolved. I'll see what happens with his daycare.
Yeah it’s likely become a learned thing now, that’s hard! You can do whatever feels right for your family, and if your friend isn’t putting in the effort too that’s even harder. My boy has a toddler friend that throws things and sometimes that means toys at friends heads but she has developed cat like reflexes and is on top of him, though accidents still happen and will happen lol.
But I will also say each kid is different, mine does not respond to “no” and while mine doesn’t hit he gets into EVERYTHING and I have to be on him like a magnet anywhere but home (and really even at home) he loves opening things and pulling things out, and investigating and no amount of “no” stops it, I have to hold doors shut, move other people’s furniture around and bring lots of distractions, it is exhausting being on top of him all the time but he’s slowly understanding things like “that has to stay on the shelf” but he still will have to touch and move it it just doesn’t leave that surface.
My friends son does that stuff too he will go through all the cabinets in her kitchen lol. He was trying to get at all the baby gates ( I have a lot of barricades lol) my friend is also exhausted from being on him all the time. Like if they didn't visit my daughter would happily play alone for a few hours while I cook and will stop doing something if I say no. I am lucky that she's also faster and more nimble and can get away fast but sometimes she just gets so confused when she's hit because it never happens with other play dates.
Haha I wish my boy could chill and play alone without getting into trouble but that’s not the life for me apparently. But he’s the sweetest and smartest boy and loves “helping” me with tasks around the house since he won’t leave me alone lol
It sucks but I’m sure she feels terrible and will understand, maybe you guys can arrange mom dates instead for a while with no kids so you can still keep your relationship while kiddos age up a bit. My little guy is quite durable but has been slapped across the face by a girl smaller than him for touching her hand and he was quite confused haha the parent was mortified and said it never happened before, kids just do without thinking sometimes.
Yeh my friend has other stuff going on in her life and is exhausted. And her son also has to do everything with her and it does her head in lol. I think we can do park dates and keep them apart and walking which we do a lot of.
This is what I recommend for biters. But with biters, remove them instantly. And they have to watch the other child get all the attention. It sounds cruel, but they only care about themselves at this age. They literally have no concept of hurting someone else.
My son went through this with one child only. My son was the hitter. Some dynamic between them didn’t work. His childcarer would put him in the pram or a chair, so it was like a time out but he had to watch others having fun. She also taught the other child to stick up for himself, to say no, to not cry so quickly. So he became less of a target.
Personally if the friendship is important I’d carry on seeing friend for walks in the pram and meets in neutral places (def not houses with toys). I’m sure your friend is mortified and would really appreciate the company and support. Just say you know it’s normal behaviour for a toddler and you would like to see them still, shall we try do x instead? Don’t make it a big deal. It’s a phase.
It sucks your friends kid has this issue but the most important thing is you don't sacrifice your own child to help his socialisation. For me personally, I think your biggest responsibility is to your daughter so if you know this child is going to hurt her, just avoid play dates until he gets his behaviour under control.
It's not personal, it's just avoiding harm to your own child. Your daughter getting hurt constantly will impact her own development too. It's not nice to feel unprotected.
Yeah very valid concern. From her perspective, it would probably be a bit scary constantly having to see someone who hurts her. I know it's not intentional at all but I think to an extent being near by and witnessing it while it still happens reinforces that she can get hurt even when you're there. For that reason I'd want to end play dates or at minimum ensure he's never free range near her because it undermines you as an ultimate safe place you know what I mean?
Yeh I don't want her to think it's OK and to be hurt around me which is what botheres me the most. If I tell my daughter no she understands but my friend son will just continue which is shocking to me.
Yeah poor thing. Sounds like you're doing a great job with your little girl though. Unfortunately it's common for boys to be far less mature than little girls so he will likely need some time to catch up. In the mean time, I don't think you'd be wrong to keep your daughter away from him. If they were dogs, you wouldn't let your own dog keep getting bitten by a friends dog. Don't let anyone shame you for protecting your daughter.
Thank you. She's so precuius it's so hard to see him do this and I always stop him and so does my friend but I think more needs to be done now it's not OK.
Some kids are just like that and take longer for that impulse control. I swear my 16 month old came out swinging. He's my third and he will hit his older siblings(or me even) when angry. Or throw whatever is closest to him. This baby also kicked the crap out of me in the womb so not that shocking but he is definitely more opinionated at this age than my other two were.
I have a daughter who never hit ever! My second child a boy, was a little more physical, but only with us at home. My 3rd child also a boy full on beats us all. I don’t understand it. I think it varies from child to child, and I know it’s horrible and no one wants their child to get hit or worse have the child who is hitting, but these things just happen and I think they do grow out of it eventually?! I don’t know. I am at such a loss with this 3rd one.i am home with my kids all day. I am a stay at home homeschooler so there are no learned behaviors from outsiders.
They are both 19 months and 2 weeks. They are 1 day apart. We both stop him from hitting my daughter has never hit back and just cries all the time. I've told her she needs to speak with the daycare but I don't k ow if she has yet but I was enraged at first that someone hit him and the centre didn't do much.
When my toddler was 18 months old, we started the 1-2-3 Magic! strategy (there’s a book and YouTube videos). Hitting was an automatic time out in his pack n play for 2 mins with me in the same room sitting quietly and keeping an eye on him. When I would see him about to hit, I’d redirect: “mommy (or your daughter’s name) is NOT for hitting. You can choose to hit the teddy bear or you can choose to hit the pillow. What do you choose?” Or you folks could be proactive and before he sees your daughter, let him know: “(daughter’s name) is not for hitting. If you choose to hit her, you choose time out.” If he goes to hit her, have his mom say the rule again and put him in automatic time out every time he actually hits her. Have your friend hug and soothe his tears after the 2 mins are up until he’s more regulated and calmer. During the soothing, his mom can reflect his feelings so he feels understood like “you’re so mad you hit and went to time out! You’re mad! You did not like that!” And when he’s done crying/more regulated, his mom can say to him 3-5 sentences (max) something along the lines of: “people are not for hitting. If you hit (your daughter’s name), she could get a big, big owie and go to the hospital—Ouch! (Your daughter’s name) can not hit you and you cannot hit her. Hitting means time out.”
Praise him every time he’s gentle and kind, do the same for your daughter.
If hitting is happening at his daycare, this might take several times to work through, but consistency on your friend’s part is key. He will learn not to hit at home, at least.
Lastly, if he goes to hit, but doesn’t actually do it (like a threat to see what you’ll do), reflect something short and sweet like : “ you wanted to hit, but you chose not to. Good choice!”
These strategies worked for my son, who’s now 2.5 years old. Feel free to let me know if you’ve got any questions, but I hope your friend is on board to enforce and above all, I hope your precious girl stays safe and well!
That's really great strategy and hitting a toy is good redirection. I think the daycare has said he's been hitting but she thinks he does it because other kids hit and push him. But surely the daycare would say something. Thanks for your advice!
Adding that some of the language in my examples may be above a 19-month old’s understanding, but the concepts can be shortened and made easier, like: “No hit Kayla. You hit Kayla, you go time out, yikes!” Or “no hit Kayla, you can hit teddy bear or pillow.” And model hitting the objects for him so he sees that hitting those items is ok. “You want to hit teddy bear?” And offer the bear. He might say, “no! Hit Kayla!” Then mom should stop him and say “hitting Kayla means you go time out— yikes!” And if he hits her, immediately mom needs to respond “you hit Kayla, now you go time out. Bye bye.”
Have you tried bringing out the angry dad voice? First couple times it caused my toddler to cry but he stopped doing the bad behavior. Obviously I was quick to reassure him and comfort him and tried to explain it was what he was doing was bad, not him. Now generally the angry dad voice gets him to stop if he understands with no cries and I redirect him to something better.
Oh, I thought we were assuming things here. Since you *assumed* that angry dad voice = yelling, I *assumed* you were yelled at a lot as a kid instead of your dad sternly talking to you. I guess when someone *assumes* things, they might not ***assume*** correctly.
I grabbed his hand firmly today and said no in a firm voice but not my scary voice. I speak 2 languages and I can sound very scary. It's hard because it's not my kid but I think if it happens again I will do it. I almost did. I've yelled at my dog and he got scared lol and my toddler cried...
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Get him this. Boys are boys and need proper channeling of their physical behavior as they learn to control their impulses and what is right and wrong. The mom and dad will probably thank you.
Boys are physical but need to learn that hitting another person is not ok, but if they want to hit it has to be something like a bopper or a punching bag.
I also did this with throwing things. My son threw everything he touched. So we got him soft foam/spongey baseballs with the baseball look. When he'd throw something we'd say 'no' then hand him a baseball and say, 'we only throw baseballs.' This limited the throwing to one item (or the dog's toys) that can't damage anything, and if it isn't available, then he isn't throwing things.
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Occasionally he still takes a swing or throws something, and then shows immediate signs of remorse like he can't believe he just did that. There's some impulse in boys, and all we can do is channel it while we condition.
This is how I trained my dog from eating my sandals too. I would tell the dog 'no' and replace my sandal with the dog's toy. Over time the dog understood what I was doing.
Boys will be boys. Some are more physical than others. Give them lots of attention. Channel their energy into positive outlets. And teach right and wrong.
i agree with all the solutions youre presenting. the only thing i respectfully disagree with is the 'boys will be boys' remark because it sounds like an excuse and counter productive to all the great things you said (ive seen plenty of toddler girls be physical as well regardless of what gender they're playing with). that's not what any parent witnessing their kid get hit wants to hear from another parent either.
im a dad of 2 boy toddlers and expecting a 3rd boy. the onus is on us as parents to understand our kids. if theyre high energy and active, which a majority of them seem to be, then to give them those outlets like you suggested. if its a matter of unlearned social skills to no fault of their own and just need time to develop that then dont subject other kids to be the "crash test dummy" for your child.
it's a combination of things as you explained but i just think we have to stop defaulting to boys will be boys as it just sounds dismissive towards their behavior when there are things we can proactively and when necessary reactively do to help.
not sure what offended you when i agreed with 99% of your post. it wasnt directed so much at you as it was others who have that mindset and offer no solutions. i dont think you have that mindset based on the solutions you presented but i think you defaulted to that response out of whats the 'norm'. hope you have a better day than it started.
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Hey, I totally get your worry. Talk to your friend and let them know your concerns about the hitting. When you’re together, watch the kids closely and stop the hitting quickly. Praise both kids when they play nicely. Suggest your friend talk to the daycare about it too. Keep teaching your daughter about gentle hands. With time, it should get better.
I think you can't let them play together without you in arms reach until this behavior is resolved.
Yeh I was thinking that and me and my friend try to but I just need to be closer to my daughter. I feel like the biggest failure
I had a similar issue with a close friend's toddler this past year. Her daughter would constantly be fairly aggressive with mine (pushing, hitting, pulling hair). We had to be super close to them and watch them like hawks the entire time they played together, but that was exhausting and not fair to my kid who kept getting hit anyway, so I eventually just cut back on playdates. It's better now (her toddler is less aggressive), but we still don't hang out as much unfortunately.
That sucks. I've been mulling it over and I think I'm going to do this too. Did you say anything to the parent or just kinda low key stopped making playdate plans?
Just kinda low key stopped making as many playdates. Which is a little shitty of me. But having a "hey your kid keeps hurting mine and it's hard for me to deal with" style conversation seemed like it might be more shitty... IDK if it was the right move or not, but things still seem to be okay between the mom and me so far.
It’s auch a huge shame that our social fabric has decayed to the point where we have reasonable cause to avoid communicating with other people about important issues like children being violent
I think me being awkward and conflict-avoidant is more of a personal flaw than the social fabric falling apart. 🤷♀️ >important issues like children being violent Also, it's not like this is a 12 year old who's killing cats or something. It's a 2 year old displaying pretty normal 2 year old behavior.
I’m not judging you but do you really feel that besides yourself alone the greater social fabric is homogenously tighter than ever?
19 month olds don't have impulse control. It sounds like he's doing it because it creates a big response \[she cries or adults get involved\]. It's pretty tough to stop that cycle as he hasn't got the social/emotional understanding of how it impacts others yet and you obviously need to intervene. His mum can try stopping the hitting in a boring/calm way and modelling positive behaviours with lots of positive reactions e.g. "it's nice to be gentle" and stroking or making an exciting game he can play next to her. But if he's insistent on hitting, there's little you can do apart from close supervision and reducing contact until this phase passes.
This. It’s normal toddler behavior. If I tell my 18 month old not to hit his sister he will do it MORE! It’s the response from the hitting they like. If I instead say nice hands/gentle and pet her head, he starts doing it too! if it doesn’t stop I take the toy away… but hes still got hands so
Yeh that's basically what's happening. He just can't play with her. I think they need to be very far apart or in strollers.
Brief correction: As the mom of a 17m thrower/ hitter, he didn't "learn" the behavior in daycare (because he doesn't go to daycare). It's not a learned behavior. It's the child's personality + their lack of impulse control. But yes, keep them separated if you can't ensure her safety when they're together.
Agreed! My now 2yr11mo old started hitting around 20 months and he is a stay at home kid with like one cousin who he didn’t learn the hitting from. We don’t spank and my husband and I are about the most attentive and calm parents around. So to say we were baffled and mortified at his hitting would be an understatement. It’s definitely just personality and developmentally “normal” for some. Now that’s all to say, my husband and I have POURED ourselves into dealing with his behavior. He mostly hit adults when he didn’t get his way but he has pushed down and swatted at playmates before and that was an immediate removal from situation and consequences to follow. But I just wanted to say that if a parent ever had concerns about their child playing with mine who hit, then I would obviously be bummed but would 100% understand! As parents we all have to do what is best for our own and I wouldn’t take it personal if I was the parent of the other child!
Agreed. My kid started hitting before she could even crawl. She doesn’t have siblings or cousins yet and has never been to daycare. It’s definitely not a learned skill…more like a base impulse out of frustration.
It's also because they get 'negative' attention from adults and they remember it and keep doing it again.
Toddlers hit because they lack to hability to stop their impulses. Its has to deal with brain development, they are not mature enough to have controle over their impulses. Meaning, it's not a learned behavior (we don't hit our daughter and she started doing it during tantrums way before she went to daycare). More info [here](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/toddler-hitting#age-range) Redirect. Reinforce boundaries. Talk to them. Remain calm. They learn from us and they'll grow out of it.
My friend does all of these things and it does nothing and instead of stopping he's now picking up hard objects to hit with and instead of stopping its just getting worse. He definitely doesn't have any of that behaviour at home. I guess she just can't play with him u till he grows out of it. I think all toddlers lash out during a tantrum but he hasn't having a tantrum when he hits her.
I know it's frustating and sometimes scary but it's normal. Be on top of that, be always around them and intervene right away. I personally wouldn't stop those play dates. But that's me, I can't tell you what to do.
I still want to see my friend I just think we need to keep them fully apart.
I stayed at home with mine at this age and they hit and bite. This is normal behavior for toddlers but his mom needs to step in and teach how to play appropriately
I would simply not allow them to play together unless you are within arms reach. My son can be aggressive sometimes and it's mortifying but I've learned that I have to constantly monitor him at playgrounds and places. What does your friend say about this ? I know you said she stops him but is she passive or attentive ?
Oof we went through this. Each child is different but what worked for my daughter was two fold. One, when something hurt her, I’d comfort her and remind her when she hit me (or the dog) that it hurt us too. . Secondly, she was also at the stage to understand friends and hurt feelings. I would tell her that hitting friends will hurt their feelings and make them not want to play anymore and that would be so sad if xyz no longer wanted to play. Best of luck!
I agree with sitting next to them and blocking the hitting attempts. It’s exhausting. I’ve been there with a friend’s child. The constant vigilance is a lot.
May I ask what setting you typically do play dates in? If you wish to continue play dates with this kiddo, I might recommend planning for a neutral setting, if you don’t do so already. I have noticed that when we have kiddos over to our house or vice versa sometimes possessiveness over toys can emerge which can lead to confrontation…those moments can be a good opportunity to teach sharing, but if hitting has been a pattern of behavior it might be something to avoid. Maybe playing at the park where there is a lot for them to engage with physically would making it easier to avoid such outbursts. Alternatively, planning more structured activities such as coloring, panting or enjoying a snack together, so the expectations are clear and they both have their own materials, but can play side by side. Going to a local green space and bringing two balls along one for each to run around and play with might be a good outlet for any energy and would keep hands occupied so there is less opportunity for hitting. If it continues, I would reduce the frequency of playdates or make an agreement with your friend that is the hitting occurs then the playdate is over. I’m sure your friend is just as aware of the fact that this is a problem as you are, so she should be able to see the logic in this. Hitting hasn’t been an issue for my little one, but she does have friends that do so- similar to your situation. That being said, if she did start hitting, I would likely wrap up the playdate or activity because I wouldn’t want to allow the behavior to continue. It isn’t safe for the child being hit nor is good for the child who is hitting (imo) to remain in a context where they will receive a reaction for that behavior and you cannot in good conscience not react to intervene, so it is better for both if the play date comes to an end when this happens. It is also not relaxing for either parent to have to worry too much about mediating that sort of behavior. I would take it on a case by case basis and if it doesn’t improve it may be time to cut back on play dates with this particular little one, at least for now. Kids will be kids and for some reason certain little ones do pick up behavior of this sort, so I pass no judgment in that regard, but since it has become a pattern of behavior for your friends kid to hit your kid, it is totally natural to want to prevent that pattern from continuing and the best way to do so may just be to take a hiatus from play dates for now.
Oof..tricky. I had a similar situation, but steered away from the kid and hanging out w them for a couple months. Sounds like normal toddler behavior but of course you don't want your daughter exposed to it, or somehow jeopardize your friendship. Not sure if that's possible, but maybe you can give it a bit of time...
I wouldn’t let that child near my kid until the mom/dad settles the issue. Not worth any accident
If you want to keep playing I’d recommend park dates or walk dates instead of playing with toys. If you are hanging over at houses, no hard objects at all, all hard toys need to be put away. You can keep soft toys out like stuffies or the soft rubber type toys to kinda “practice” having toys out. It might be best to have more hands on activities such as sensory bins, or arts and crafts instead of leaving them to engage together. I’d watch what is leading up to it, are toys not being shared well, space not being respected, ie what is the drive behind hitting. Is it attention from the parents, then need to keep the kids engaged before hitting happens, is it asking for space or upset about toy grabbing, keep more distance or have more or no toys out. It’s very very normal behaviour for toddlers, some bite, throw, hit, scream, kick haha but it is communication, not aggression/violence. Hopefully with a bit of extra management and guidance it’ll just be a phase to work through.
Oh and also I’d implement moving one of the toddlers away if hitting starts. Very calmly “ouch! We can’t hit our friends so we are going to move away” and just pick up one or the other and move to a different area for a minute or two. It doesn’t have to be a time out but it’s just a more obvious “if you do this you can’t play” then they can come back calmly and I’d just say something like “okay our friend is ready to play again, let’s keep our hands to ourselves/on our toys” Positive praise for good interactions too “wow thank you for passing friend that toy so nicely!” “I saw how gentle you were giving your friend a high five, they really like when you play like that” Prefacing interactions with “NO Hitting” puts the thought in the back of their mind so ideally tell them what they can do “okay if you want your friend to move can you say “please move!” ?” While moving friend away yourself for example.
As soon as they came over he went straight for my daughter to hit her. He also went to lift a big toy and started walking towards her to like throw it at her. And a lot of times when I said no and my friend did he would continue. I've said no to my daughter and she will stop or no longer do 2hat I've told her not to. Its exhausting to keep watching it happen over and over. I think best to just not let him play with my daughter until this is resolved. I'll see what happens with his daycare.
Yeah it’s likely become a learned thing now, that’s hard! You can do whatever feels right for your family, and if your friend isn’t putting in the effort too that’s even harder. My boy has a toddler friend that throws things and sometimes that means toys at friends heads but she has developed cat like reflexes and is on top of him, though accidents still happen and will happen lol. But I will also say each kid is different, mine does not respond to “no” and while mine doesn’t hit he gets into EVERYTHING and I have to be on him like a magnet anywhere but home (and really even at home) he loves opening things and pulling things out, and investigating and no amount of “no” stops it, I have to hold doors shut, move other people’s furniture around and bring lots of distractions, it is exhausting being on top of him all the time but he’s slowly understanding things like “that has to stay on the shelf” but he still will have to touch and move it it just doesn’t leave that surface.
My friends son does that stuff too he will go through all the cabinets in her kitchen lol. He was trying to get at all the baby gates ( I have a lot of barricades lol) my friend is also exhausted from being on him all the time. Like if they didn't visit my daughter would happily play alone for a few hours while I cook and will stop doing something if I say no. I am lucky that she's also faster and more nimble and can get away fast but sometimes she just gets so confused when she's hit because it never happens with other play dates.
Haha I wish my boy could chill and play alone without getting into trouble but that’s not the life for me apparently. But he’s the sweetest and smartest boy and loves “helping” me with tasks around the house since he won’t leave me alone lol It sucks but I’m sure she feels terrible and will understand, maybe you guys can arrange mom dates instead for a while with no kids so you can still keep your relationship while kiddos age up a bit. My little guy is quite durable but has been slapped across the face by a girl smaller than him for touching her hand and he was quite confused haha the parent was mortified and said it never happened before, kids just do without thinking sometimes.
Yeh my friend has other stuff going on in her life and is exhausted. And her son also has to do everything with her and it does her head in lol. I think we can do park dates and keep them apart and walking which we do a lot of.
Take a break from playdates. Find a new playmate.
what kind of “play” date is that anyway when you get hut on the head “with heavy objects”… so wierd
You can’t let them play together anymore until he and his mom figure out this behavior.
Three strikes and the play date is over. It’ll suck for you guys but this can’t go on.
Yeh I think that's how it has to be. I'm just going to let my friend know in furute catchup they can't be together it's just constant.
This is what I recommend for biters. But with biters, remove them instantly. And they have to watch the other child get all the attention. It sounds cruel, but they only care about themselves at this age. They literally have no concept of hurting someone else.
My son went through this with one child only. My son was the hitter. Some dynamic between them didn’t work. His childcarer would put him in the pram or a chair, so it was like a time out but he had to watch others having fun. She also taught the other child to stick up for himself, to say no, to not cry so quickly. So he became less of a target. Personally if the friendship is important I’d carry on seeing friend for walks in the pram and meets in neutral places (def not houses with toys). I’m sure your friend is mortified and would really appreciate the company and support. Just say you know it’s normal behaviour for a toddler and you would like to see them still, shall we try do x instead? Don’t make it a big deal. It’s a phase.
It sucks your friends kid has this issue but the most important thing is you don't sacrifice your own child to help his socialisation. For me personally, I think your biggest responsibility is to your daughter so if you know this child is going to hurt her, just avoid play dates until he gets his behaviour under control. It's not personal, it's just avoiding harm to your own child. Your daughter getting hurt constantly will impact her own development too. It's not nice to feel unprotected.
Yeh that's what I worry about so much. And I feel like I should protect her better. I try to catch him and constantly barricade her.
Yeah very valid concern. From her perspective, it would probably be a bit scary constantly having to see someone who hurts her. I know it's not intentional at all but I think to an extent being near by and witnessing it while it still happens reinforces that she can get hurt even when you're there. For that reason I'd want to end play dates or at minimum ensure he's never free range near her because it undermines you as an ultimate safe place you know what I mean?
Yeh I don't want her to think it's OK and to be hurt around me which is what botheres me the most. If I tell my daughter no she understands but my friend son will just continue which is shocking to me.
Yeah poor thing. Sounds like you're doing a great job with your little girl though. Unfortunately it's common for boys to be far less mature than little girls so he will likely need some time to catch up. In the mean time, I don't think you'd be wrong to keep your daughter away from him. If they were dogs, you wouldn't let your own dog keep getting bitten by a friends dog. Don't let anyone shame you for protecting your daughter.
Thank you. She's so precuius it's so hard to see him do this and I always stop him and so does my friend but I think more needs to be done now it's not OK.
Some kids are just like that and take longer for that impulse control. I swear my 16 month old came out swinging. He's my third and he will hit his older siblings(or me even) when angry. Or throw whatever is closest to him. This baby also kicked the crap out of me in the womb so not that shocking but he is definitely more opinionated at this age than my other two were.
I have a daughter who never hit ever! My second child a boy, was a little more physical, but only with us at home. My 3rd child also a boy full on beats us all. I don’t understand it. I think it varies from child to child, and I know it’s horrible and no one wants their child to get hit or worse have the child who is hitting, but these things just happen and I think they do grow out of it eventually?! I don’t know. I am at such a loss with this 3rd one.i am home with my kids all day. I am a stay at home homeschooler so there are no learned behaviors from outsiders.
How old’s the toddler who has the hitting problem?
They are both 19 months and 2 weeks. They are 1 day apart. We both stop him from hitting my daughter has never hit back and just cries all the time. I've told her she needs to speak with the daycare but I don't k ow if she has yet but I was enraged at first that someone hit him and the centre didn't do much.
When my toddler was 18 months old, we started the 1-2-3 Magic! strategy (there’s a book and YouTube videos). Hitting was an automatic time out in his pack n play for 2 mins with me in the same room sitting quietly and keeping an eye on him. When I would see him about to hit, I’d redirect: “mommy (or your daughter’s name) is NOT for hitting. You can choose to hit the teddy bear or you can choose to hit the pillow. What do you choose?” Or you folks could be proactive and before he sees your daughter, let him know: “(daughter’s name) is not for hitting. If you choose to hit her, you choose time out.” If he goes to hit her, have his mom say the rule again and put him in automatic time out every time he actually hits her. Have your friend hug and soothe his tears after the 2 mins are up until he’s more regulated and calmer. During the soothing, his mom can reflect his feelings so he feels understood like “you’re so mad you hit and went to time out! You’re mad! You did not like that!” And when he’s done crying/more regulated, his mom can say to him 3-5 sentences (max) something along the lines of: “people are not for hitting. If you hit (your daughter’s name), she could get a big, big owie and go to the hospital—Ouch! (Your daughter’s name) can not hit you and you cannot hit her. Hitting means time out.” Praise him every time he’s gentle and kind, do the same for your daughter. If hitting is happening at his daycare, this might take several times to work through, but consistency on your friend’s part is key. He will learn not to hit at home, at least. Lastly, if he goes to hit, but doesn’t actually do it (like a threat to see what you’ll do), reflect something short and sweet like : “ you wanted to hit, but you chose not to. Good choice!” These strategies worked for my son, who’s now 2.5 years old. Feel free to let me know if you’ve got any questions, but I hope your friend is on board to enforce and above all, I hope your precious girl stays safe and well!
That's really great strategy and hitting a toy is good redirection. I think the daycare has said he's been hitting but she thinks he does it because other kids hit and push him. But surely the daycare would say something. Thanks for your advice!
Adding that some of the language in my examples may be above a 19-month old’s understanding, but the concepts can be shortened and made easier, like: “No hit Kayla. You hit Kayla, you go time out, yikes!” Or “no hit Kayla, you can hit teddy bear or pillow.” And model hitting the objects for him so he sees that hitting those items is ok. “You want to hit teddy bear?” And offer the bear. He might say, “no! Hit Kayla!” Then mom should stop him and say “hitting Kayla means you go time out— yikes!” And if he hits her, immediately mom needs to respond “you hit Kayla, now you go time out. Bye bye.”
I had a similar problem with my cousins toddler biting. After a couple times I just don't invite her over anymore. I have to keep my child safe.
Have you tried bringing out the angry dad voice? First couple times it caused my toddler to cry but he stopped doing the bad behavior. Obviously I was quick to reassure him and comfort him and tried to explain it was what he was doing was bad, not him. Now generally the angry dad voice gets him to stop if he understands with no cries and I redirect him to something better.
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I didn't say yell, did I?
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I'm sorry you had a bad childhood.
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Oh, I thought we were assuming things here. Since you *assumed* that angry dad voice = yelling, I *assumed* you were yelled at a lot as a kid instead of your dad sternly talking to you. I guess when someone *assumes* things, they might not ***assume*** correctly.
I grabbed his hand firmly today and said no in a firm voice but not my scary voice. I speak 2 languages and I can sound very scary. It's hard because it's not my kid but I think if it happens again I will do it. I almost did. I've yelled at my dog and he got scared lol and my toddler cried...
You Hit my baby you won’t hangout with my baby again lol
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09DTV6MY5?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details Get him this. Boys are boys and need proper channeling of their physical behavior as they learn to control their impulses and what is right and wrong. The mom and dad will probably thank you. Boys are physical but need to learn that hitting another person is not ok, but if they want to hit it has to be something like a bopper or a punching bag. I also did this with throwing things. My son threw everything he touched. So we got him soft foam/spongey baseballs with the baseball look. When he'd throw something we'd say 'no' then hand him a baseball and say, 'we only throw baseballs.' This limited the throwing to one item (or the dog's toys) that can't damage anything, and if it isn't available, then he isn't throwing things. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CKTBWLKH?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details&th=1 Occasionally he still takes a swing or throws something, and then shows immediate signs of remorse like he can't believe he just did that. There's some impulse in boys, and all we can do is channel it while we condition. This is how I trained my dog from eating my sandals too. I would tell the dog 'no' and replace my sandal with the dog's toy. Over time the dog understood what I was doing. Boys will be boys. Some are more physical than others. Give them lots of attention. Channel their energy into positive outlets. And teach right and wrong.
i agree with all the solutions youre presenting. the only thing i respectfully disagree with is the 'boys will be boys' remark because it sounds like an excuse and counter productive to all the great things you said (ive seen plenty of toddler girls be physical as well regardless of what gender they're playing with). that's not what any parent witnessing their kid get hit wants to hear from another parent either. im a dad of 2 boy toddlers and expecting a 3rd boy. the onus is on us as parents to understand our kids. if theyre high energy and active, which a majority of them seem to be, then to give them those outlets like you suggested. if its a matter of unlearned social skills to no fault of their own and just need time to develop that then dont subject other kids to be the "crash test dummy" for your child. it's a combination of things as you explained but i just think we have to stop defaulting to boys will be boys as it just sounds dismissive towards their behavior when there are things we can proactively and when necessary reactively do to help.
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not sure what offended you when i agreed with 99% of your post. it wasnt directed so much at you as it was others who have that mindset and offer no solutions. i dont think you have that mindset based on the solutions you presented but i think you defaulted to that response out of whats the 'norm'. hope you have a better day than it started.
Nothing wrong with treating boys like boys
i agree, OPs issue is not gender specific though.
Agree to disagree that it isn't related to gender. You wont convince me otherwise. Boys will be boys
no worries. take care :)
Politics are important, but unless it's incredibly relevant to the subject, excessively political posts or comments will be removed. Comments that are motivated by political hatred are not allowed. Repeat offenders will be banned.
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>Seriously. Where are the mods for this. Mod here! The comment above has not actually been reported. If you see something on this sub that you believe breaks sub rules, please use the report button. To answer your question literally, I was taking a nap. I'm a SAHM and sick today. This comment is only 4hrs old, and it is unreasonable to expect mods to review every comment. I'd appreciate you toning down the snark. Additionally, while repulsive, the comment doesn't really break any rules. I do believe in balance when it comes to censorship. I don't believe in removing all comments I disagree with.
Hey, I totally get your worry. Talk to your friend and let them know your concerns about the hitting. When you’re together, watch the kids closely and stop the hitting quickly. Praise both kids when they play nicely. Suggest your friend talk to the daycare about it too. Keep teaching your daughter about gentle hands. With time, it should get better.