yeah, it took me like 3 years to destroy my families religious views and i think i’ll have to do that all over again and not to mention i have to do that with THE REST OF MY FAMILY
If you feel like being trans isn't right, think about it, and don't brush it off. And those around you should respect that and be there for you, and if they don't that says more about them and nothing about you
Hey friend!! If I may, I suggest you read Stone Butch Blues. Cw for sexual assault & homophobia, though. Also, it may be worth it to research he/him lesbians.
Historically there was a lot of grey area between transmasculine identities and sapphic ones. I know several older people (50+) who consider themselves both transmasculine and lesbian.
Good luck on your journey, friend!
You may want to check out the butch lesbian subreddit. A very large portion of the users are NB. It's so common, a lot of the discussions are about NB related topics, like hormones and pronouns.
r/butchlesbians
Edit to add: i just realized by scrolling down the page that an ongoing survey on the subreddit shows that most responding users identify as not cisgender, so it is a very trans friendly space.
yes!!!! for me i feel like i’m a boy in the same way a dog is a boy, i’m ftmmtf, i’m nonbinary and gender fluid. i only recently realized i am a lesbian and it’s really freeing to express. sometimes a lesbian is a boy and sometimes a boy is a girlfriend. i believe gender and sexuality are whatever you want it to be
Weirdly relatable. I'm nonbinary, transitioned ftm and slowly kept drifting towards femininity. Now ID as femmeby, genderfuck (who knows, something other than m/f). Glad to see someone in a similar vein of gender. :)
<3 As a bi lesbian I am very used to being mega fucking loud and proud right back at the vitriol exclusionist Twitter sends my way all the time, you better believe I’m always jumping on an opportunity for positivity
this ain’t the place to be to gatekeep. gender and labels aren’t the decision of anyone but who’s using them for themselves, and even then lesbian historically is way more fluid and complicated a term than you seem to think.
there aren’t rules to this other than respecting people, which you aren’t doing here.
People can be multiple genders. You can be a boy and a girl at the same time. Gender is socially constructed you identify whichever labels makes you comfortable
thank you so much for introducing me to this concept, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and i’ve found an answer.
for a while, i’ve identified with being a lesbian, but i’ve been scared to do so due to being trans masc. now I understand that I can be trans and want to transition and still feel a connection to femininity and be valid, thank you :)
labels / gender is complicated tbh, i get that its confusing for urself, but u dont \*have\* to come out to people imo, u can jus do you :))i know cis boys (self-id'd) that go by she her or they them or neos, ik another trans masc person who has gotten top surgery, isnt on hormones and calls themself a lesbian, u can be funky wit it as long as u dont hurt anyone :))
and again, u dont owe anyone to have to come out or to use a certain label if u dont want to !
If you have access to it, this is exactly what gender therapy is for, to help you unpack that. Even if you can't find someone who specializes in gender therapy, if you can find a therapist with experience with trans clients, that can also work. I actually had a easier time with other therapists than the one I had that was actually a gender therapist, so it's not necessarily a downgrade if it's a good fit. I know it can be pricey or hard to find, but so worth it if you can.
yeah, i’m definitely in there with nonbinary,
i’ve been looking into genders— Xenogenders have been really interesting and being neurodivergent i’m kinda think of some celestial ones and maybe genderpunk but it’s terrifying that after 3 years it’s kinda changing again. i just want some stability in my life :’)
maybe just be who you are?
you are you. you don't need to label it. just be you.
You like the effects of male hormones'? take them, don't? don't take them.
screw labels.
very true, i’m just a very odd person when it comes to knowing myself— i have to know who i am and i need it to make sense to me so it’s frustrating when my gender goes all willy wonky on me, i need to figure out everything else ahaha or at least i feel like i need to figure out everything
I feel you.
What I found out was to forget about me, to not much importance on me, but rather focus on my interests, hobbies and what I want in life. I work towards my goals and my passion instead. I try to not think of myself too much, or put too much importance on myself.
trueeee i really need to just focus on living and vibing with what i have atm
i get caught up with what i should’ve done or what i should be doing instead of what i’m doing atm
I used to struggle with putting a label on My sexual and romantic attraction just a month or two ago. I was trying to stitch together a bunch of little pieces forming some weird chimeric combination of labels that didn't really fit me well.
I eventually gave up on it and now I'm trying to come to terms with using the queer label.
true.
took me 3 years of fighting and trauma to get them.
Fun fact, wanna know when I finally got my hormones? When I said, I don't even care about my hormones, I'm dead inside, I don't want hormones anymore and I just wanna stop living. that's when i got mine, when I no longer cared... they made sure to destroy me before letting me have what I wanted.
they knew i'm suicidal from the beginning so it wasn't out of fear.
Remember that labels are *de*scriptive, not *pre*scriptive. They exist as shorthand to condense a description that would otherwise take a few sentences to convey into a single word for the purposes of easier discussion among those who also know the jargon. They are *not* meant to be terms chiseled into your identity and unchanged for all eternity. Just as your personality can change over time so too can your gender identity. Part of this is due to exploration into who you are and part is just the natural progressions of life. It's nothing to be afraid of :)
> i just want some stability in my life :’)
The people who don't grow and change are the ones that become the bigots
I hope you are able to make some good close queer friends
If it's too hard for you to come out again, try the "subtle" way maybe? Like don't force yourself to refer to yourself with "masc" nouns only, don't correct your family if they misgender you... And be completely you on the Internet where no one gives a shit! :D
My point exactly: you don't need to come out to anyone ever again if you don't want to. (I don't much like this culture of CO if you didn't tell yet xD)
that’s totally true! i’m on the fence about it because i’ve always wished i could come out to someone and they accept me completely without question but knowing my luck it probably won’t happen irl lol but yeah it puts a lot of pressure on new LGBT buddies to the point of risking safety because people are weird about coming out
That and also there's this idea that if you came out, you're done, that's 100% you forever. Except, as your case stands, people's identity may vary (without it meaning their first coming out was "false")
true, and i feel like it gives transphobes and homophobes the arguments that we “can’t make up our mind” or that it’s “all in our head and we can do whatever we want with it” or whatever
oop lmao it’s supposed to say xeno pronouns :p
i use xe/xem and i’m thinking of looking for some others like dead/death/deathself and maybe void/voidself things like that :’)
You could still present masc and be non-binary, or you may be fluid, you never really know. All I know is that whatever you are, you should be loved and accepted. I get you may be a trans man, but really.
🥺❤️
brb imma go cry— that’s so sweet of you to say
but yeah i’m thinking i’m non-binary as a general term and more specificity i’m Genderpunk/fuck + a few others
Good, find a term you like and if you don’t like it, don’t keep it. Gender is a spectrum, and it takes a while to find where you are at. God, I feel like a therapist right now.
It's completely possible for your gender identity to change over time, try not to be too disheartened, I'm sure you can find a way to present that feels right
yeye! i think at least my gender expression changes. it’s also very frustrating to have multiple other personalities in my brain that identify as different things that make me want to own a very wide variety of clothes that confuses my parents lol
One of the first things my sister said to me when I came out: there are no promises here, no contracts. You are free to explore your identity, to realize new things, and to change your mind.
*Image Transcription: Meme*
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[*An image of Fumino Furuhashi (anime girl with long blue hair) from the anime "We Never Learn". She looks very happy and is closing her eyes with a huge smile on her face.*]
Happily living as a trans masc person who just likes skirts and wishes they were born a cute lesbian instead
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[*Fumino is looking down at the ground with a distraught expression, and the background has turned dark. The image has been drawn to look like an oil painting, making it look even more bleak*]
realizing wanting to be a lesbian so bad that you cry and that you might actually not be trans but it's too late now because you came out to your family as trans masc and if i came out again they wouldn't take me seriously ever again
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^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
I understand the questioning and worries... If you aren't trans OP just know it's ok, I can understand the fear of trying to go back. Even as a trans person I even question if I should be my authentic self just due to the family I have and being scared to lose people I love and knowing even when I'll be independent I'll be cutting off so many from my life. I hope you'll be alright OP, stay strong.
thank you, i’ve always been scared that i might be a fraud, especially with me now questioning again? i feel like i can’t make up my mind or something it just frustrates me
The label comes after.
Figuring yourself out is the first part to all of this, the labels are just labels. Not some mantra or creed to rigidly follow. Figure out what you like, and don't like, and if you find yourself going all over the place then ... you might just be anything your brain lands on. Poly-gender, gender-fluid, non-binary, etc. They're labels, and they can be empowering, but only once you've got a decent grasp of how -you- feel you are. And this gender stuff can be confusing. In college, my friends thought I was closeted and gender-fluid, and by my own definition back then, yeah, that matched, but it can take **time** to finally place yourself where you feel the most comfortable. Then, and only then, does the label shopping come.
true, i just hate feeling so lost so i end up latching onto anything that feels right, but then it changes again and again, my gender is really inconsistent
I really relate to this. In my case, part of coming to terms with my identity has been coming to terms with the uncertainty.
In certain ways, when I was younger, I was more well-equipped to accept my own complexity. And then, over and over again, people (~~mostly my parents~~) interrupted me when I was trying to talk about complex ideas at length, or otherwise shut me down when I tried to fully explain who I was and what I thought, felt and believed. So I ended up simplifying myself, making elevator pitches for everything, cutting myself off. I shrank myself until I fit into the small amount of space people were willing to give me to explain.
All of which is to say: we're *allowed* to be complex. If people can't understand, or aren't willing to listen, that's *their* small-minded problem. It's nothing wrong with you or me! Life isn't simple, and we're under no obligation to pretend it is for anyone else.
It’s your life bud. Keep that in mind. Don’t make those decisions for other people when they’re to do with you.
That being said. You can take the stuff with your fam at a slower pace if necessary. Just don’t transition for anybody else.
true!! i really need to look into demi genders, i don’t quite understand them so i want to at least have knowledge of them so i don’t accidentally offend someone
Don't worry about offending others, the worst case is that they tell you you're wrong and you learn.
and lets face it, anything you do is gonna offend someone anyways.
Hey it's okay boo. Gender is complicated. You can have a talk with your parents later, explain that gender and sexualities are complicated and for the moment you may be experimenting with fem pronouns again if that's what you like.
It's okay, it will be okay. You'll figure it out it's okay to try stuff out ❤️
thank you so much❤️🥺
i’m always scared to talk to my parents about that stuff— especially my dad because he’s the type of person that is hard set into christianity
Tell them, it is ok. I'd you are not trans no one will judge you. And if they do you shouldn't have them as family. U can be a cute lesbian If you want.
true! i’m just not sure about she/her pronouns or just being a girl, i feel so much more different
not to mention i have no concept of gender in the first place ahah
Sounds like you are a non binary lesbian. Yes they exist, plus he/him lesbians are fairly common. Your pronouns don't have to match your gender identity because pronouns, are just words. Words mean what we want them to mean.
true! i used to not really understand he/him lesbians but i realized the same thing— he/him is literally just words and they don’t define your gender identity
Yeah I was just kinda sitting there playing videogames after I had realized I'm actually a woman, and was like "Hold on a minute I just figured out why he/him lesbians exist!"
hey, you sound like me a few years ago. i’m a non-binary lesbian. i am planning on getting top surgery and briefly going on low-dose T, but i’m still a lesbian! i know a lot of non-binary lesbians who had similar struggles with their identity. i just wanted to pop in and say that you can still desire some (or all!) elements of transition while being a lesbian :~)
Warning: I am long-winded and this turned out to be a way longer comment than I originally intended.
I think it's pretty normal to go through a few different identities while you're figuring stuff out. Almost this exact scenario happened to me quite a few times! As a teen I ID'd as a bi woman and my preference for men and women flipped back and forth a lot. Maybe about 16 or 17 I started IDing as a bi dude, then a gay dude, and did the whole coming out thing to everyone except family. Got a bit older and over time it felt all wrong and I was incredibly, painfully dysphoric about being referred to as male and using a male name.. which helped me realize what I felt about being a woman before wasn't even close to what dysphoria is. I tried exploring being NB for a while but that wasn't it for me because the label made me soooo uncomfortable to use for myself. It just wasn't right.. so... not trans or nb! Went back to IDing as a bi woman. Realized that wasn't it either, I did not like the idea of having a husband. I want a wife! I'm now very comfy at 28 as a run of the mill, gender non-conforming lesbian woman, and I come into trans groups to seek out funny trans memes to send to my MtF lesbian girlfriend. ♡☆
What really helps my girlfriend when she wonders if she's really trans or not is to trying to imagine her future. Think about WHY you want to be a lesbian, try to imagine your life. Why did you feel transmasc? Does that feel right for you? Do you feel sad thinking of a future where you're an older man, or someone whose gender is undefined? Does the idea of growing old with another woman or women excite you? Reflect on why you may be uncomfortable with she/her pronouns, why do you feel the urge to use other ones? It's worth exploring the What's and Why's of your identity because they are important questions to be asking yourself and exploring over time.
For example, I think my problem with IDing as a girl when I was a teen was due to a lot of self hatred and internalized misogyny due to the expectations placed on young teenager me about what my future as a woman was "supposed" to look like. You know, husband, kids. Be girly, wear makeup. Get along with other women. Be interested in boys, daydream about a hetero wedding. Dont get scars, don't play dirty, don't do boy stuff. Nah fam. Not for me. I became dysphoric when I was beginning to take the steps to begin transitioning to male, and I realized I DONT want to grow up and be a man. I didn't want to get all that body hair, lose my head hair when Im old, and didn't want my downstairs to change from the HRT. I like it how it is now. And I certainly didn't want to look like my terrible father when I got older. Gross!! I'd rather be a woman! I just didn't like the path I was told I'd have to take! I can do whatever I want and I'm so grateful I came to that conclusion before i took any hormones and changed my body permanently, because that stuff is no joke.
Another example, my girlfriend certainly doesn't want to be referred to as a man for the rest of her life, and she determined she isn't NB because not only does she desperately wants to be called "she" and eventually be someone's wife (hopefully mine!!) instead of being a spouse or a partner, and does NOT want to be a husband. Presenting male makes her dysphoric and she hates herself in that state, but feels like herself when she presents as a woman. She feels a pull towards being a woman, it feels right for her, she loves feeling like a woman and being treated as such. She also says she never wants to be an old balding man, but would prefer to be a "no fucks given" old woman with cats and a wife. She also started her transition just about six months ago, and is soaking up every bit of it with glee and loves every single change she's going through emotionally and physically. She also realized she wasn't bi, she's a lesbian! She only liked the idea of guys and sex with them, but the further into her transition she gets, she's less interested in dudes, and more interested in women only.
Ask yourself questions! Reflect, explore, experiment! It's your life. Who do you wanna be? It's okay if you realize you're not trans after all. Trust me, nobody decent will think less of you for being cis or realizing you're not a dude while you go through your self-discovery journey. It's healthy to explore identities and figure out who you are, and if your heart is screaming that you might be a cis lesbian, it's worth listening to in my opinion. Good luck ♡ If you do ever wanna talk to someone about conflicting identities and desires, my DMs are open. As a board certified Borderline, finding an identity for myself has been hell and I'm not quite there yet, always wanting different things. But I'm so happy with what I have found out about myself.
Being a genderqueer and/or genderfluid lesbian is also a valid possibility, barring the potential that you might just be a gender nonconforming lesbian. Maybe try looking into gender abolition, from the right(left) perspective it can help relieve a lot of different kinds of gender anxiety
I can sorta relate to this, though from the other direction. I like being a girl sometimes, but I’ve found myself occasionally wanting to be a feminine guy. I’m already to most people I know as a girl, but I am afraid to back and say “nah I’m actually genderfluid.” Only my partner knows, though she’s been chill and accepting about it.
same, but i think i might be just non-binary instead of a demiboy, maybe agender but also maybe i’m just cis? aaaaaa it’s all just so confusing but i’d also hate to be cis but i don’t experience strong dysphoria anymore, i don’t even know if it’s still there. i’m just so confused and just want it to make sense
sorry this turned a bit into a vent lol
no it’s all good, but i get you on the dysphoria.
i used to get horrible top dysphoria and no bottom dysphoria but now i have a little bit of top dysphoria and i get a lot of bottom dysphoria:’)
If you came out as trans, there's *something* there.
Maybe not the thing you thought was there, but you don't reach the point of being willing to do that if you're cis. Don't think of this as "not really being trans"- think of it as a chance to further discover exactly what your gender is.
The destination you reach might not have been where you thought you were headed, but that doesn't mean you're heading back to where you started.
sorry if this is rude but how can transmasc be lesbian?
(also what exactly is transmasc? I haven’t exactly been able to tell whether it’s a synonym for trans man or not lol)
Transmasc is an afab person transitioning to a more masc gender, whatever that is for them.
A transmasc lesbian could be an afab enby who still vibes with the lesbian label.
It is used to mean both a trans man and a nonbinary identity which is slightly masc leaning so lesbian can mean nmlnm and a transmasc nonbinary person is not a man so they can still be a lesbian.
Sorry if that didn't make sense I'm not great at explaining things.
Could want to be a masculine lesbian? Could be feelings of non-binary. It's complicated, and that's alright! As long as you're trying to live authentically, you are doing right by yourself. Even if you realize that you aren't trans or are trans in a different way, or some form of gender queer, you've grown, and learned about yourself, and that's beautiful and wonderful. Remember that your gender identity and gender expression can be different, and they can be anywhere in the gender gradient, and even new fluid and changing. They're all valid feelings and experiences, and you and your experience is valid!
Maybe consider that gender is fluid. It‘s completely possible that it‘ll change again. Also maybe you can try out identifying as a lesbian only in one trustful friend circle. Just to try it out yk. Maybe it’s also just that you wish you were born cisgender that you think being a lesbian would be better (does that make sense?)
Might not be good advice depending.
If, and im hoping the answer is yes, your family is very accepting and understanding tell them "I knew i loved females a lot but ive had this internalised hate of the word lesbian so i kinda bottle it up for a while. Im not trans but i am a lesbian. I am really sorry for the confusion." Something along those lines.
Take that lightly though idk just an idea.
I am not saying this is you, but as someone who works in the mental health space with the transgender community as a transgender person myself, I feel like it is really common to have these gender and sexuality feels.
Often for queer people, but particularly those assigned female at birth, can notice that they are not fitting into their gender more than sexuality (mostly because they get to play with gender more than amab people). Some will go on a gender journey and then realize that if they look at their gender through a lens of queerness gender just clicks more.
For example my wife is nonbinary and always felt like gender was something that they did not relate to because they were really sure that the societal narrative did not fit them. Some time later they went on a sexuality journey and now she finds gender as something they can more understand.
My way to summarize their experience is that if she never heard of nonbinary gender but figured out their sexuality first they probably would have just found thier gender as a a butch lesbian and been okay. Now they are trying out they/she pronouns and feeling like they may be a nonbinary woman.
I often see it with my clients that's why along with gender affirming transition work I will also do narrative work concerning societal messages and sexuality to help people really be sure of their identies.
I always say get a LGBTQ therapist and talk it over, that's what my partner did, I went along for a few sessions too so we could figure outhe the best way to support them,
You do you and be proud of who you are and who you want to become.
You should use whatever labels feels right and try not to worry about whether or not it makes sense. Any good faith self ID is super valid. You're awesome.
It might not be something you really need to put a label on, though I assume you started to transition due to dysphoria or euphoria right? Maybe you are some form of non-binary?
Also have you started taking hormones? I don’t have as much experience with trans masc transition but I have heard of some people losing dysphoria as they took hormones and starting to detransition because they started to question themselves only to have the dysphoria come roaring back when they approached their old hormone levels. Non of that is to say don’t detransition if you feel you want to, just look into if it could happen to you and be aware of the phenomenon.
If you ever wanna check out r/galactianalignment, I’m currently working to build awareness of other alternative labels to help enby people feel comfortable in their bodies without having to conform to terms such as masculine and feminine. If you want to check it out, feel free. Maybe you’ll find something new.
hey, just so you know, its completely okay to doubt yourself and change labels!! sexuality and gender are often fluid, and it's completely normal for you to want to change labels if they don't fit anymore!
just know that you're not losing anything by realizing you're not trans, but gaining all this experience an average cis person will never have.
then again, you might be trans! i say sit on it a bit, think about it for a while, and go for what feels best:)
From what I learned, you don't need to tell them, it's your choice whether they deserve to know something so intimate. If they won't respect that, it's best they shouldn't judge you if they find out. It's your identity after all.
You seem to focus on pre-existing labels a bit too much. Try to get a clear idea of what kind of body you want to live with - regardless of if it's realistically possible or not and regardless of how that body would be accepted. Approximating that shape should be your goal. Regardless of how people would call it.
constant screaming
but really it feels like a galaxy or void, there’s barely anything for light years and when i look for it i just see black. or sometimes i see this beautiful burst of colour, but then it’s gone but yeah, i feel like i’m floating in nothingness
honestly that doesn't sound like gender to me. I feel like you're overthinking this.
What do you want in your life?
what's missing?
what do you want your body to be like?
I would wait. Some times the brain takes time to process things. You could just be into lesbians and your brain is communicating wrong. Give it break. It works hard. Focus on some self care. Maybe write stuff out. Not pushing for you to not be lesbian just to be clear. Lol.
You might just be a he/him lesbian. And that's valid. The important think is just to express yourself and work towards being what makes you feel comfortable. The labels don't matter
came here to say this. op i’d look into the history of stone butch lesbians, maybe even read the book “stone butch blues”. sapphic and transmasculine identities have a long history of interconnection.
the other thing i’d say is to focus on what makes you happy and not the labels themselves. i’ve noticed that a huge part of the current, very online, majority gen-z queer community is an obsession with having very clear labels for everything and everyone. that Really stressed me out back in high school when i was questioning my sexuality and things have only gotten worse since then. i purely identify as queer now, my gender, sexuality, everything, nobody other than me needs to know the details, and if they can’t respect that they aren’t worth my time.
good luck figuring out what makes you happy, but also remember that humans aren’t static. we shift and change and grow, and that’s ok :)
because i seek validation from my family because they’ve made me completely dependent on them emotionally my entire life even though they emotionally neglected me ahahhaah
hey op, i know it’s stressful that your family might not except you if you come out again but remember that this is *your* journey with gender, just try to focus on your gender and sexuality and unpack with a friend or someone you feel comfortable talking to. It might take a while to fully understand it but its okay, a lot of people go through this where they think they’re trans then they realize they’re a lesbian. I know it’s easy to say when i’m not in your situation but please try to keep your family out of it for the time being and just put your mental health and identity first. <3
As someone who is the reverse- A trans-masc person who thought he was a lesbian- Let me tell you that their opinion doesn't matter. My parents gave me shit and it sucked- But your happiness and comfort in your identity is more important than some boomers unwilling to learn and understand.
That's an easy mistake to make, speaking from personal experience. I'm AMAB intersex, want to be soft butch lesbian, settled for being a guy, thought it was close enough, huge mistake.
There's a high chance I would have been a detransitioner (in some ways I am, as it took me plenty of effort to pretend to be fully male) if I wasn't AMAB.
Don’t build your life around a fear of what people may or may not think. I personally have spent far too long doing that. If the people you came out to were ok with you being trans then there is a good chance that they will be accepting once again. It can be hard, and people may not understand at first, but its better to go through the difficult period and get to a place where you are comfortable in who you are and who you are seen as
I just want to say that (looking at your post history) it IS completely okay to want to wear skirts as a trans man, express yourself however you want gender wise, but it is ultimately up to you how you want to identify ❤️ I know there are some people who identify as transmasc non-binary who also identify as lesbians, and there are some straight trans men who like to dress femininely or not physically transition.
Ultimately you don’t have to tell your family anything, just do what feels right for you. Don’t think of it as an all-or-nothing situation, it’s your life so just do you
Gender is not static for some. And sometimes to know what feels right we need to bring in more data by experience. Do not feel the need to hold on to old info if updates are right, but also don't feel like you must or mustn't update others along the way, do so when it feels right for you and not when you think it is most convenient for others.
Honestly, the idea that trans masc and lesbian are mutually exclusive is bs 😤 if you wanna be a trans masc lesbian live your life!! Shit is cool as hell. All that being said, if you discover some part of that isn't for you, all good!! Much love and hope to your discovery of yourself ❤
Transmasc lesbians are not only valid but a crucial part of our community! If you’re interested in reading up about a particularly famous one you should look up Leslie Feinberg (who was both a trans and lesbian activist. Also ze used neopronouns which makes hir even cooler). And even if you don’t feel transmasc fits as well as you thought, you’re still valid. Gender is an 8-dimensional plane and it’s hard to figure out what coordinates you’re at. Labels can be funky sometimes but what matters most is that if you end up using any labels at all, you’re happy with how they feel.
dw if anything your parents will probably be happy, they're usually way more supportive of gay kids than they are of trans kids. and even worse on gay trans kids lol.
Do what you feel is right even if your family does or doesn’t take you seriously. You only get one life, make sure you can live it as yourself. No matter who that is.
I wished I was “just” a lesbian when I was a teen bc I knew I was trans but thought there was no good life for trans people. Transitioned and am ok now. Idk if this is like that.
Aw I’m sorry, that sucks. Even so, if you feel like your gender doesn’t match you anymore, you should change that rather than being unhappy for the sake of not having that confrontation with your family. You’ve done it once, you can do it again, best of luck!
Transmasc enby? Bigender/genderfluid? You know, you can go on T, transition physically (if you wish to) and live as a man, yet be enby? :) Just throwing some ideas out there
I had never heard of this before so I went looking online.
[I think this explained one aspect of transmasc lesbianism well](https://miro.medium.com/max/700/1*BDJqzR4GQhgAA8hz1ZQTTQ.jpeg). It came [from this Medium article](https://radiantbutch.medium.com/non-binary-lesbians-have-always-existed-7db6b9e7e646) that goes into more detail and history.
Only skimmed through the comments so it might've been posted already. GL!
I mean being transmasc doesn't stop you from being a lesbian, atleast I don't think so, personally I've also been wondering about my identity and I did identify as lesbian for a while but I'm not even sure I experience any romantic attraction at all so I'm probably aroace.
When I identified as lesbian I was still out as trans masc, while there's people that'll tell you it's invalid for you to be both you can just tell them to fuck themselves.
transmasc lesbians exist. labels arent there to be restrictive, be what you want to be your family can go to hell if they're dicks about it.
that being said, if you aren't transmasc that is also valid. you are you.
This is my biggest fear, especially considering my mother is bigoted enough already
yeah, it took me like 3 years to destroy my families religious views and i think i’ll have to do that all over again and not to mention i have to do that with THE REST OF MY FAMILY
Well best of luck to you, and stay strong!
thank you sm🥺❤️ you stay strong too, you got this ❤️❤️
Thank you so muchhh ❤️❤️❤️
Nah you do you, fuck All else
true, i just have to wait until i move out to be truly free :’)
Maybe tell them you're genderfluid or enby? That's what I go with because I'm still scared to commit.
There's a lot to unpack here OP, do you need someone to talk to?
i honestly don’t know lmao i mostly want to scream and cry like a little baby lmaoo
relatable honestly
If you feel like being trans isn't right, think about it, and don't brush it off. And those around you should respect that and be there for you, and if they don't that says more about them and nothing about you
same but for other reasons :(
:’) tantrum gang
Hey friend!! If I may, I suggest you read Stone Butch Blues. Cw for sexual assault & homophobia, though. Also, it may be worth it to research he/him lesbians. Historically there was a lot of grey area between transmasculine identities and sapphic ones. I know several older people (50+) who consider themselves both transmasculine and lesbian. Good luck on your journey, friend!
hi i am a transmasc lesbian!!!
hey!! that’s so pog my dude :0 can you kinda describe it best you can? it’s ok if not difijcocn
You may want to check out the butch lesbian subreddit. A very large portion of the users are NB. It's so common, a lot of the discussions are about NB related topics, like hormones and pronouns. r/butchlesbians Edit to add: i just realized by scrolling down the page that an ongoing survey on the subreddit shows that most responding users identify as not cisgender, so it is a very trans friendly space.
yes!!!! for me i feel like i’m a boy in the same way a dog is a boy, i’m ftmmtf, i’m nonbinary and gender fluid. i only recently realized i am a lesbian and it’s really freeing to express. sometimes a lesbian is a boy and sometimes a boy is a girlfriend. i believe gender and sexuality are whatever you want it to be
Weirdly relatable. I'm nonbinary, transitioned ftm and slowly kept drifting towards femininity. Now ID as femmeby, genderfuck (who knows, something other than m/f). Glad to see someone in a similar vein of gender. :)
I like the term genderfuck
Reality can be whatever ~~I~~ you want.
Is that a t and f symbol in one? What is that?
It's a crossed-out I, but it looks a little weird lol
Lesbians can do whatever they want and be whatever they want :) non-binary, transmasc, and mspec lesbians pride!
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<3 As a bi lesbian I am very used to being mega fucking loud and proud right back at the vitriol exclusionist Twitter sends my way all the time, you better believe I’m always jumping on an opportunity for positivity
As an amab demigirl, mood
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Being a lesbian isn’t man centric. There’s plenty of non-man - non-man relationships that aren’t lesbian relationships.
this ain’t the place to be to gatekeep. gender and labels aren’t the decision of anyone but who’s using them for themselves, and even then lesbian historically is way more fluid and complicated a term than you seem to think. there aren’t rules to this other than respecting people, which you aren’t doing here.
i am a non man who likes non men but i’m also a little tiny boy and a lesbian.
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People can be multiple genders. You can be a boy and a girl at the same time. Gender is socially constructed you identify whichever labels makes you comfortable
exactly fuckin thank you
I didn't understand their comment at first but you let me see that I was looking at things too narrowly, so (legitimately) thank you for that.
“sometimes a lesbian is a boy and sometimes a boy is a girlfriend” that’s what i said, don’t try and twist my words.
thank you so much for introducing me to this concept, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and i’ve found an answer. for a while, i’ve identified with being a lesbian, but i’ve been scared to do so due to being trans masc. now I understand that I can be trans and want to transition and still feel a connection to femininity and be valid, thank you :)
Hi! It says I’m omni on my bio, but that’s to avoid harassment. In reality I’m a transmasc lesbian! :)
dope!! and yeah i think as my cover imma just say i’m bi lolol but yeye! :>
labels / gender is complicated tbh, i get that its confusing for urself, but u dont \*have\* to come out to people imo, u can jus do you :))i know cis boys (self-id'd) that go by she her or they them or neos, ik another trans masc person who has gotten top surgery, isnt on hormones and calls themself a lesbian, u can be funky wit it as long as u dont hurt anyone :)) and again, u dont owe anyone to have to come out or to use a certain label if u dont want to !
If you have access to it, this is exactly what gender therapy is for, to help you unpack that. Even if you can't find someone who specializes in gender therapy, if you can find a therapist with experience with trans clients, that can also work. I actually had a easier time with other therapists than the one I had that was actually a gender therapist, so it's not necessarily a downgrade if it's a good fit. I know it can be pricey or hard to find, but so worth it if you can.
You might be nonbinary.
yeah, i’m definitely in there with nonbinary, i’ve been looking into genders— Xenogenders have been really interesting and being neurodivergent i’m kinda think of some celestial ones and maybe genderpunk but it’s terrifying that after 3 years it’s kinda changing again. i just want some stability in my life :’)
Don't worry. The lables you use are not set in stone. They aren't some kind of commitment. Just be who you are. :^ )
yee :> i also kinda need to realize that i’m not being extra when i identify with more than one gender y’know?
And even if you were, there's nothing wrong with being extra anyway.
ye
maybe just be who you are? you are you. you don't need to label it. just be you. You like the effects of male hormones'? take them, don't? don't take them. screw labels.
very true, i’m just a very odd person when it comes to knowing myself— i have to know who i am and i need it to make sense to me so it’s frustrating when my gender goes all willy wonky on me, i need to figure out everything else ahaha or at least i feel like i need to figure out everything
I feel you. What I found out was to forget about me, to not much importance on me, but rather focus on my interests, hobbies and what I want in life. I work towards my goals and my passion instead. I try to not think of myself too much, or put too much importance on myself.
trueeee i really need to just focus on living and vibing with what i have atm i get caught up with what i should’ve done or what i should be doing instead of what i’m doing atm
I used to struggle with putting a label on My sexual and romantic attraction just a month or two ago. I was trying to stitch together a bunch of little pieces forming some weird chimeric combination of labels that didn't really fit me well. I eventually gave up on it and now I'm trying to come to terms with using the queer label.
If only hormones were that easy to access.
true. took me 3 years of fighting and trauma to get them. Fun fact, wanna know when I finally got my hormones? When I said, I don't even care about my hormones, I'm dead inside, I don't want hormones anymore and I just wanna stop living. that's when i got mine, when I no longer cared... they made sure to destroy me before letting me have what I wanted. they knew i'm suicidal from the beginning so it wasn't out of fear.
I know someone else who went to enby after identifying as binary trans for a few years, it's definitely a possibility at least
Remember that labels are *de*scriptive, not *pre*scriptive. They exist as shorthand to condense a description that would otherwise take a few sentences to convey into a single word for the purposes of easier discussion among those who also know the jargon. They are *not* meant to be terms chiseled into your identity and unchanged for all eternity. Just as your personality can change over time so too can your gender identity. Part of this is due to exploration into who you are and part is just the natural progressions of life. It's nothing to be afraid of :)
Gender fluid?
possibly under that umbrella
genderfuck gang
indeed, we love sexually confusing men 😎😎
woman here but still applies😎😎
> i just want some stability in my life :’) The people who don't grow and change are the ones that become the bigots I hope you are able to make some good close queer friends
that’s fair but yeah i think i found a group of cool buddies
If it's too hard for you to come out again, try the "subtle" way maybe? Like don't force yourself to refer to yourself with "masc" nouns only, don't correct your family if they misgender you... And be completely you on the Internet where no one gives a shit! :D
true! i am subtly going by they them around school and such but yeah hhhh not to mention i use emo pronouns ahahah
My point exactly: you don't need to come out to anyone ever again if you don't want to. (I don't much like this culture of CO if you didn't tell yet xD)
that’s totally true! i’m on the fence about it because i’ve always wished i could come out to someone and they accept me completely without question but knowing my luck it probably won’t happen irl lol but yeah it puts a lot of pressure on new LGBT buddies to the point of risking safety because people are weird about coming out
That and also there's this idea that if you came out, you're done, that's 100% you forever. Except, as your case stands, people's identity may vary (without it meaning their first coming out was "false")
true, and i feel like it gives transphobes and homophobes the arguments that we “can’t make up our mind” or that it’s “all in our head and we can do whatever we want with it” or whatever
To be fair, we *can* do whatever we want, and we don’t *have* to make up our minds.
trueee imma confuse the shit out of men 😏
Good. Enjoy. :)
Do you mind if I ask, what are emo pronouns? Like emo/emos/emoself??
oop lmao it’s supposed to say xeno pronouns :p i use xe/xem and i’m thinking of looking for some others like dead/death/deathself and maybe void/voidself things like that :’)
Gotta say, emo pronouns might be the way of the future... (if it were 2006...?)
lol i’m basically living in 2006 emo years, apart from the straightened dyed hair and tumblr blog lmao but yeah pretty spot on
Haha... I was there...! You'll need a vampire freaks account, too, of course...
trueee lmfao
You could still present masc and be non-binary, or you may be fluid, you never really know. All I know is that whatever you are, you should be loved and accepted. I get you may be a trans man, but really.
🥺❤️ brb imma go cry— that’s so sweet of you to say but yeah i’m thinking i’m non-binary as a general term and more specificity i’m Genderpunk/fuck + a few others
Good, find a term you like and if you don’t like it, don’t keep it. Gender is a spectrum, and it takes a while to find where you are at. God, I feel like a therapist right now.
Self discovery is rarely a straight line. I came out twice to my folks. It's not as big of a deal as you think it is lol.
lmao “straight line” definitely never that /j but yeah i get you, i just over think a lot :’)))
It's completely possible for your gender identity to change over time, try not to be too disheartened, I'm sure you can find a way to present that feels right
yeye! i think at least my gender expression changes. it’s also very frustrating to have multiple other personalities in my brain that identify as different things that make me want to own a very wide variety of clothes that confuses my parents lol
I love your username
lmao thank you!
One of the first things my sister said to me when I came out: there are no promises here, no contracts. You are free to explore your identity, to realize new things, and to change your mind.
bruhhh i wish someone would’ve told me that when i came out :’) i need to start telling myself that
*Image Transcription: Meme* --- [*An image of Fumino Furuhashi (anime girl with long blue hair) from the anime "We Never Learn". She looks very happy and is closing her eyes with a huge smile on her face.*] Happily living as a trans masc person who just likes skirts and wishes they were born a cute lesbian instead --- [*Fumino is looking down at the ground with a distraught expression, and the background has turned dark. The image has been drawn to look like an oil painting, making it look even more bleak*] realizing wanting to be a lesbian so bad that you cry and that you might actually not be trans but it's too late now because you came out to your family as trans masc and if i came out again they wouldn't take me seriously ever again --- ^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
I understand the questioning and worries... If you aren't trans OP just know it's ok, I can understand the fear of trying to go back. Even as a trans person I even question if I should be my authentic self just due to the family I have and being scared to lose people I love and knowing even when I'll be independent I'll be cutting off so many from my life. I hope you'll be alright OP, stay strong.
thank you, i’ve always been scared that i might be a fraud, especially with me now questioning again? i feel like i can’t make up my mind or something it just frustrates me
Hey, you might be wrong and cis, but you're definitely not a fraud. and sorry for stalking you and commenting so much, I just got sidetracked!
lmao it’s okay! love talking to people so no worries, but yeah it’s fun with imposter syndrome
The label comes after. Figuring yourself out is the first part to all of this, the labels are just labels. Not some mantra or creed to rigidly follow. Figure out what you like, and don't like, and if you find yourself going all over the place then ... you might just be anything your brain lands on. Poly-gender, gender-fluid, non-binary, etc. They're labels, and they can be empowering, but only once you've got a decent grasp of how -you- feel you are. And this gender stuff can be confusing. In college, my friends thought I was closeted and gender-fluid, and by my own definition back then, yeah, that matched, but it can take **time** to finally place yourself where you feel the most comfortable. Then, and only then, does the label shopping come.
true, i just hate feeling so lost so i end up latching onto anything that feels right, but then it changes again and again, my gender is really inconsistent
No less beautiful though, and certainly no less valid.
I really relate to this. In my case, part of coming to terms with my identity has been coming to terms with the uncertainty. In certain ways, when I was younger, I was more well-equipped to accept my own complexity. And then, over and over again, people (~~mostly my parents~~) interrupted me when I was trying to talk about complex ideas at length, or otherwise shut me down when I tried to fully explain who I was and what I thought, felt and believed. So I ended up simplifying myself, making elevator pitches for everything, cutting myself off. I shrank myself until I fit into the small amount of space people were willing to give me to explain. All of which is to say: we're *allowed* to be complex. If people can't understand, or aren't willing to listen, that's *their* small-minded problem. It's nothing wrong with you or me! Life isn't simple, and we're under no obligation to pretend it is for anyone else.
It’s your life bud. Keep that in mind. Don’t make those decisions for other people when they’re to do with you. That being said. You can take the stuff with your fam at a slower pace if necessary. Just don’t transition for anybody else.
maybe youre nonbinary or a really masculine girl or something like that :) in fact theres some nonbinary genders that are part girl like demigirl!
true!! i really need to look into demi genders, i don’t quite understand them so i want to at least have knowledge of them so i don’t accidentally offend someone
Don't worry about offending others, the worst case is that they tell you you're wrong and you learn. and lets face it, anything you do is gonna offend someone anyways.
true, i might as well piss everyone off by being me
Hey it's okay boo. Gender is complicated. You can have a talk with your parents later, explain that gender and sexualities are complicated and for the moment you may be experimenting with fem pronouns again if that's what you like. It's okay, it will be okay. You'll figure it out it's okay to try stuff out ❤️
thank you so much❤️🥺 i’m always scared to talk to my parents about that stuff— especially my dad because he’s the type of person that is hard set into christianity
You dont have to talk to them right away tbh. Just take your time you'll figure it out
yeah, my parents hate it when i “keep changing on them” but like? bruh i just gonna figure it out
Tell them, it is ok. I'd you are not trans no one will judge you. And if they do you shouldn't have them as family. U can be a cute lesbian If you want.
true! i’m just not sure about she/her pronouns or just being a girl, i feel so much more different not to mention i have no concept of gender in the first place ahah
Sounds like you are a non binary lesbian. Yes they exist, plus he/him lesbians are fairly common. Your pronouns don't have to match your gender identity because pronouns, are just words. Words mean what we want them to mean.
true! i used to not really understand he/him lesbians but i realized the same thing— he/him is literally just words and they don’t define your gender identity
Yeah I was just kinda sitting there playing videogames after I had realized I'm actually a woman, and was like "Hold on a minute I just figured out why he/him lesbians exist!"
felt that so much
Hell yeah we love that. Now you better be your he/him lesbian self! (You don't have to be anything it's okay)
yee! i’ll be rocking 😎
Hell yeah
hey, you sound like me a few years ago. i’m a non-binary lesbian. i am planning on getting top surgery and briefly going on low-dose T, but i’m still a lesbian! i know a lot of non-binary lesbians who had similar struggles with their identity. i just wanted to pop in and say that you can still desire some (or all!) elements of transition while being a lesbian :~)
honestly that’s awesome, i’m thinking of the nonbinary lesbian thing, it sounds perfect but i’m not too sure yet :’)
Warning: I am long-winded and this turned out to be a way longer comment than I originally intended. I think it's pretty normal to go through a few different identities while you're figuring stuff out. Almost this exact scenario happened to me quite a few times! As a teen I ID'd as a bi woman and my preference for men and women flipped back and forth a lot. Maybe about 16 or 17 I started IDing as a bi dude, then a gay dude, and did the whole coming out thing to everyone except family. Got a bit older and over time it felt all wrong and I was incredibly, painfully dysphoric about being referred to as male and using a male name.. which helped me realize what I felt about being a woman before wasn't even close to what dysphoria is. I tried exploring being NB for a while but that wasn't it for me because the label made me soooo uncomfortable to use for myself. It just wasn't right.. so... not trans or nb! Went back to IDing as a bi woman. Realized that wasn't it either, I did not like the idea of having a husband. I want a wife! I'm now very comfy at 28 as a run of the mill, gender non-conforming lesbian woman, and I come into trans groups to seek out funny trans memes to send to my MtF lesbian girlfriend. ♡☆ What really helps my girlfriend when she wonders if she's really trans or not is to trying to imagine her future. Think about WHY you want to be a lesbian, try to imagine your life. Why did you feel transmasc? Does that feel right for you? Do you feel sad thinking of a future where you're an older man, or someone whose gender is undefined? Does the idea of growing old with another woman or women excite you? Reflect on why you may be uncomfortable with she/her pronouns, why do you feel the urge to use other ones? It's worth exploring the What's and Why's of your identity because they are important questions to be asking yourself and exploring over time. For example, I think my problem with IDing as a girl when I was a teen was due to a lot of self hatred and internalized misogyny due to the expectations placed on young teenager me about what my future as a woman was "supposed" to look like. You know, husband, kids. Be girly, wear makeup. Get along with other women. Be interested in boys, daydream about a hetero wedding. Dont get scars, don't play dirty, don't do boy stuff. Nah fam. Not for me. I became dysphoric when I was beginning to take the steps to begin transitioning to male, and I realized I DONT want to grow up and be a man. I didn't want to get all that body hair, lose my head hair when Im old, and didn't want my downstairs to change from the HRT. I like it how it is now. And I certainly didn't want to look like my terrible father when I got older. Gross!! I'd rather be a woman! I just didn't like the path I was told I'd have to take! I can do whatever I want and I'm so grateful I came to that conclusion before i took any hormones and changed my body permanently, because that stuff is no joke. Another example, my girlfriend certainly doesn't want to be referred to as a man for the rest of her life, and she determined she isn't NB because not only does she desperately wants to be called "she" and eventually be someone's wife (hopefully mine!!) instead of being a spouse or a partner, and does NOT want to be a husband. Presenting male makes her dysphoric and she hates herself in that state, but feels like herself when she presents as a woman. She feels a pull towards being a woman, it feels right for her, she loves feeling like a woman and being treated as such. She also says she never wants to be an old balding man, but would prefer to be a "no fucks given" old woman with cats and a wife. She also started her transition just about six months ago, and is soaking up every bit of it with glee and loves every single change she's going through emotionally and physically. She also realized she wasn't bi, she's a lesbian! She only liked the idea of guys and sex with them, but the further into her transition she gets, she's less interested in dudes, and more interested in women only. Ask yourself questions! Reflect, explore, experiment! It's your life. Who do you wanna be? It's okay if you realize you're not trans after all. Trust me, nobody decent will think less of you for being cis or realizing you're not a dude while you go through your self-discovery journey. It's healthy to explore identities and figure out who you are, and if your heart is screaming that you might be a cis lesbian, it's worth listening to in my opinion. Good luck ♡ If you do ever wanna talk to someone about conflicting identities and desires, my DMs are open. As a board certified Borderline, finding an identity for myself has been hell and I'm not quite there yet, always wanting different things. But I'm so happy with what I have found out about myself.
Trans men can't be lesbians. Since they are men and lesbian is non-men loving non-men.
Being a genderqueer and/or genderfluid lesbian is also a valid possibility, barring the potential that you might just be a gender nonconforming lesbian. Maybe try looking into gender abolition, from the right(left) perspective it can help relieve a lot of different kinds of gender anxiety
I can sorta relate to this, though from the other direction. I like being a girl sometimes, but I’ve found myself occasionally wanting to be a feminine guy. I’m already to most people I know as a girl, but I am afraid to back and say “nah I’m actually genderfluid.” Only my partner knows, though she’s been chill and accepting about it.
same, but i think i might be just non-binary instead of a demiboy, maybe agender but also maybe i’m just cis? aaaaaa it’s all just so confusing but i’d also hate to be cis but i don’t experience strong dysphoria anymore, i don’t even know if it’s still there. i’m just so confused and just want it to make sense sorry this turned a bit into a vent lol
no it’s all good, but i get you on the dysphoria. i used to get horrible top dysphoria and no bottom dysphoria but now i have a little bit of top dysphoria and i get a lot of bottom dysphoria:’)
You’re having thoughts about untransitioning that’s perfectly fine you just need to explain your situation to everyone
If you came out as trans, there's *something* there. Maybe not the thing you thought was there, but you don't reach the point of being willing to do that if you're cis. Don't think of this as "not really being trans"- think of it as a chance to further discover exactly what your gender is. The destination you reach might not have been where you thought you were headed, but that doesn't mean you're heading back to where you started.
Transmasc and nonbinary lesbians exist, too!! Either way you’re valid and I wish you peace and happiness <3
thank you sm🥺❤️ i wish you peace and happiness too
sorry if this is rude but how can transmasc be lesbian? (also what exactly is transmasc? I haven’t exactly been able to tell whether it’s a synonym for trans man or not lol)
Transmasc is an afab person transitioning to a more masc gender, whatever that is for them. A transmasc lesbian could be an afab enby who still vibes with the lesbian label.
It is used to mean both a trans man and a nonbinary identity which is slightly masc leaning so lesbian can mean nmlnm and a transmasc nonbinary person is not a man so they can still be a lesbian. Sorry if that didn't make sense I'm not great at explaining things.
okay yeah I see. no worries you explained just fine haha!
It’s perfectly fine to go through stages of figuring yourself out. We’re all complicated and hard to understand.
very true, being a human is complicated:’)
hey.... It's ok :( you don't owe anyone anything. fuck your family!
Could want to be a masculine lesbian? Could be feelings of non-binary. It's complicated, and that's alright! As long as you're trying to live authentically, you are doing right by yourself. Even if you realize that you aren't trans or are trans in a different way, or some form of gender queer, you've grown, and learned about yourself, and that's beautiful and wonderful. Remember that your gender identity and gender expression can be different, and they can be anywhere in the gender gradient, and even new fluid and changing. They're all valid feelings and experiences, and you and your experience is valid!
Maybe consider that gender is fluid. It‘s completely possible that it‘ll change again. Also maybe you can try out identifying as a lesbian only in one trustful friend circle. Just to try it out yk. Maybe it’s also just that you wish you were born cisgender that you think being a lesbian would be better (does that make sense?)
Might not be good advice depending. If, and im hoping the answer is yes, your family is very accepting and understanding tell them "I knew i loved females a lot but ive had this internalised hate of the word lesbian so i kinda bottle it up for a while. Im not trans but i am a lesbian. I am really sorry for the confusion." Something along those lines. Take that lightly though idk just an idea.
You're just too trans. You looped back around to pre transition trans girl thoughts.
lmfao honestly i think that’s what happened— i trans-ed myself back into cis😟
On that note, have you considered some flavor of gender fluidity?
yeah! at the moment i’ve had my interest in genderpunk and xenogenders related to space which id say is pretty fluid lol
I am not saying this is you, but as someone who works in the mental health space with the transgender community as a transgender person myself, I feel like it is really common to have these gender and sexuality feels. Often for queer people, but particularly those assigned female at birth, can notice that they are not fitting into their gender more than sexuality (mostly because they get to play with gender more than amab people). Some will go on a gender journey and then realize that if they look at their gender through a lens of queerness gender just clicks more. For example my wife is nonbinary and always felt like gender was something that they did not relate to because they were really sure that the societal narrative did not fit them. Some time later they went on a sexuality journey and now she finds gender as something they can more understand. My way to summarize their experience is that if she never heard of nonbinary gender but figured out their sexuality first they probably would have just found thier gender as a a butch lesbian and been okay. Now they are trying out they/she pronouns and feeling like they may be a nonbinary woman. I often see it with my clients that's why along with gender affirming transition work I will also do narrative work concerning societal messages and sexuality to help people really be sure of their identies.
I'm friends with several transmasc lesbians. They aren't men, but some of them are on T. Some of them use neopronouns, and they're all nonbinary!
You're valid no matter what. Gender is a myth, sexuality is fluid, and a couple is up to nine people.
I always say get a LGBTQ therapist and talk it over, that's what my partner did, I went along for a few sessions too so we could figure outhe the best way to support them, You do you and be proud of who you are and who you want to become.
You should use whatever labels feels right and try not to worry about whether or not it makes sense. Any good faith self ID is super valid. You're awesome.
It might not be something you really need to put a label on, though I assume you started to transition due to dysphoria or euphoria right? Maybe you are some form of non-binary? Also have you started taking hormones? I don’t have as much experience with trans masc transition but I have heard of some people losing dysphoria as they took hormones and starting to detransition because they started to question themselves only to have the dysphoria come roaring back when they approached their old hormone levels. Non of that is to say don’t detransition if you feel you want to, just look into if it could happen to you and be aware of the phenomenon.
Never too late! Every move to try to be you is worthwhile.
If you ever wanna check out r/galactianalignment, I’m currently working to build awareness of other alternative labels to help enby people feel comfortable in their bodies without having to conform to terms such as masculine and feminine. If you want to check it out, feel free. Maybe you’ll find something new.
hey, just so you know, its completely okay to doubt yourself and change labels!! sexuality and gender are often fluid, and it's completely normal for you to want to change labels if they don't fit anymore! just know that you're not losing anything by realizing you're not trans, but gaining all this experience an average cis person will never have. then again, you might be trans! i say sit on it a bit, think about it for a while, and go for what feels best:)
From what I learned, you don't need to tell them, it's your choice whether they deserve to know something so intimate. If they won't respect that, it's best they shouldn't judge you if they find out. It's your identity after all.
You seem to focus on pre-existing labels a bit too much. Try to get a clear idea of what kind of body you want to live with - regardless of if it's realistically possible or not and regardless of how that body would be accepted. Approximating that shape should be your goal. Regardless of how people would call it.
Who said you need to come out as anything? Be happy pal, if that means trying stuff, try that stuff. I also need to take this advice too...
Lesbians can still be trans masc! You can go by whatever pronouns you want, he/him lesbians are so based. You do you king 👑
You might be bigender
maybe! i was looking into that but i’m a little unsure about it, i didn’t feel too much of a connection with it
Well what does your gender feel like?
constant screaming but really it feels like a galaxy or void, there’s barely anything for light years and when i look for it i just see black. or sometimes i see this beautiful burst of colour, but then it’s gone but yeah, i feel like i’m floating in nothingness
honestly that doesn't sound like gender to me. I feel like you're overthinking this. What do you want in your life? what's missing? what do you want your body to be like?
Voidgender?
probably lmao but yeah i’ve kinda connected with a couple of the xeno space genders so ahahah
I would wait. Some times the brain takes time to process things. You could just be into lesbians and your brain is communicating wrong. Give it break. It works hard. Focus on some self care. Maybe write stuff out. Not pushing for you to not be lesbian just to be clear. Lol.
You might just be a he/him lesbian. And that's valid. The important think is just to express yourself and work towards being what makes you feel comfortable. The labels don't matter
I mean, he/him lesbians exist
You can be a transmasc lesbian Many butch lesbians in the past took t, transitioned, etc and still kept their identity as a lesbian, you can too
came here to say this. op i’d look into the history of stone butch lesbians, maybe even read the book “stone butch blues”. sapphic and transmasculine identities have a long history of interconnection. the other thing i’d say is to focus on what makes you happy and not the labels themselves. i’ve noticed that a huge part of the current, very online, majority gen-z queer community is an obsession with having very clear labels for everything and everyone. that Really stressed me out back in high school when i was questioning my sexuality and things have only gotten worse since then. i purely identify as queer now, my gender, sexuality, everything, nobody other than me needs to know the details, and if they can’t respect that they aren’t worth my time. good luck figuring out what makes you happy, but also remember that humans aren’t static. we shift and change and grow, and that’s ok :)
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Transmasc people are usually trans tho because it can be used to mean trans man or a nonbinary identity
Stay strong just come out to them
Maybe you've got some enby thing going on? (although I can vibe the wanting to be a cute butch lesbian thing so hard)
Why is it any of their business?
because i seek validation from my family because they’ve made me completely dependent on them emotionally my entire life even though they emotionally neglected me ahahhaah
That sounds like a reason not to tell them. It's not like it affects them
hey op, i know it’s stressful that your family might not except you if you come out again but remember that this is *your* journey with gender, just try to focus on your gender and sexuality and unpack with a friend or someone you feel comfortable talking to. It might take a while to fully understand it but its okay, a lot of people go through this where they think they’re trans then they realize they’re a lesbian. I know it’s easy to say when i’m not in your situation but please try to keep your family out of it for the time being and just put your mental health and identity first. <3
As someone who is the reverse- A trans-masc person who thought he was a lesbian- Let me tell you that their opinion doesn't matter. My parents gave me shit and it sucked- But your happiness and comfort in your identity is more important than some boomers unwilling to learn and understand.
That's an easy mistake to make, speaking from personal experience. I'm AMAB intersex, want to be soft butch lesbian, settled for being a guy, thought it was close enough, huge mistake. There's a high chance I would have been a detransitioner (in some ways I am, as it took me plenty of effort to pretend to be fully male) if I wasn't AMAB.
Don’t build your life around a fear of what people may or may not think. I personally have spent far too long doing that. If the people you came out to were ok with you being trans then there is a good chance that they will be accepting once again. It can be hard, and people may not understand at first, but its better to go through the difficult period and get to a place where you are comfortable in who you are and who you are seen as
It’s never too late
I just want to say that (looking at your post history) it IS completely okay to want to wear skirts as a trans man, express yourself however you want gender wise, but it is ultimately up to you how you want to identify ❤️ I know there are some people who identify as transmasc non-binary who also identify as lesbians, and there are some straight trans men who like to dress femininely or not physically transition. Ultimately you don’t have to tell your family anything, just do what feels right for you. Don’t think of it as an all-or-nothing situation, it’s your life so just do you
Gender is not static for some. And sometimes to know what feels right we need to bring in more data by experience. Do not feel the need to hold on to old info if updates are right, but also don't feel like you must or mustn't update others along the way, do so when it feels right for you and not when you think it is most convenient for others.
Honestly, the idea that trans masc and lesbian are mutually exclusive is bs 😤 if you wanna be a trans masc lesbian live your life!! Shit is cool as hell. All that being said, if you discover some part of that isn't for you, all good!! Much love and hope to your discovery of yourself ❤
As long as they truly love and want the best for you, I’m sure they should be able to understand.
Transmasc lesbians are not only valid but a crucial part of our community! If you’re interested in reading up about a particularly famous one you should look up Leslie Feinberg (who was both a trans and lesbian activist. Also ze used neopronouns which makes hir even cooler). And even if you don’t feel transmasc fits as well as you thought, you’re still valid. Gender is an 8-dimensional plane and it’s hard to figure out what coordinates you’re at. Labels can be funky sometimes but what matters most is that if you end up using any labels at all, you’re happy with how they feel.
dw if anything your parents will probably be happy, they're usually way more supportive of gay kids than they are of trans kids. and even worse on gay trans kids lol.
Do what you feel is right even if your family does or doesn’t take you seriously. You only get one life, make sure you can live it as yourself. No matter who that is.
I wished I was “just” a lesbian when I was a teen bc I knew I was trans but thought there was no good life for trans people. Transitioned and am ok now. Idk if this is like that.
Aw I’m sorry, that sucks. Even so, if you feel like your gender doesn’t match you anymore, you should change that rather than being unhappy for the sake of not having that confrontation with your family. You’ve done it once, you can do it again, best of luck!
Transmasc enby? Bigender/genderfluid? You know, you can go on T, transition physically (if you wish to) and live as a man, yet be enby? :) Just throwing some ideas out there
He/Him lesbians are actually kinda common. It’s not as weird as it feels
true, i’m just really scared of lesbians thinking on sexualising or appropriating them in a bad way or something :’)
If someone views you like that would you want to hang out with them?
I had never heard of this before so I went looking online. [I think this explained one aspect of transmasc lesbianism well](https://miro.medium.com/max/700/1*BDJqzR4GQhgAA8hz1ZQTTQ.jpeg). It came [from this Medium article](https://radiantbutch.medium.com/non-binary-lesbians-have-always-existed-7db6b9e7e646) that goes into more detail and history. Only skimmed through the comments so it might've been posted already. GL!
I mean being transmasc doesn't stop you from being a lesbian, atleast I don't think so, personally I've also been wondering about my identity and I did identify as lesbian for a while but I'm not even sure I experience any romantic attraction at all so I'm probably aroace. When I identified as lesbian I was still out as trans masc, while there's people that'll tell you it's invalid for you to be both you can just tell them to fuck themselves.
You might be nonbinary, or a transmasc lesbian! As long as ur not man-aligned or boy-aligned, pretty sure you can be transmasculine and sapphic
transmasc lesbians exist. labels arent there to be restrictive, be what you want to be your family can go to hell if they're dicks about it. that being said, if you aren't transmasc that is also valid. you are you.
You can, in fact be a trans masc lesbian. There are many lesbians who take T and use he/him pronouns. Don't let your own constraints define you.