This post is being removed and locked due to bickering within the comments. No one wins when you play the Oppression Olympics. Anyone who sees this, this is not an invitation to restart the debates in another post.

It really should have you pick then ask if you're trans or cis after

that’s how every other dating app works, including ones meant primarily for cishets. hell tinder does that. you also don’t have to specify your label from there

The problem is that so many cis people either don’t know what cis means or consider it a slur now 🤦🏽‍♀️

They don't think it's a slur. They pretend it's a slur so they can reinforce a dichotomy between "women" and "trans women" or between "normal women" and "trans women" so that they can other and exclude us. Cis is not a slur. People who claim it is are trying to play a semantic game about self-identity to deny trans people social equality.

I can’t help but imagine those people arguing with employees at guitar center: “Are you looking for acoustic or electric?” “Just a normal guitar.” “So… acoustic??” “No.. not ‘acoustic’, NORMAL! The way guitars have been for hundreds of years!”

I like this analogy because, like trans people, electric guitars can still be played just like their, *ahem* “””normal””” counterparts. But, unlike cis guitars, we can plug ourselves into devices for all sorts of cool and different sounds. …wait… /j But you get the idea. For a serious comparison, we- like electric guitars- need some extra setup and some extra work to match the acoustic guitars (cis people) we aspire to imitate. But when we have what we need, we are just as valid of an option that brings a different voice/sound to a group. I guess HRT is an amp for our gender, lol

Due to this comment, I will now only refer to my genitals as my whammy bar.

***DAMN*** ok i’m blushing so much rn

But either “trans women are women” Or “trans women are not women.” And this is the problem

Oh I agree. It’s incredibly othering and also just a complete misunderstanding of gender/gender identity. Woman is a broad category that includes trans and cis women.

Nah, the whole point of me choosing woman is that I don’t feel the need to label myself with trans or cis in a supposedly safe lgbtq space , I’m just a woman. This would defeat that.

Good for you, but other people might want to include that label for various reasons.

Right, so there should be 3 options. Cis women, trans and just woman, what this describes wouldn’t allow for that. More options is never bad.

This is where "prefer not to say" comes in

[удалено]

Trans, cis and what are you a cop

Isn't that the same thing? Like, one way or the other you're gonna tell the app you're not a cis woman. I personally see no issue with this. I'm glad that this is an option to begin with.

Sure is the same outcome, but this way at least it's not "are you a woman or a trans woman" At the very least, they could do it like this, but have "cis woman" and "trans woman" instead. Either way, "prefer not to say" would probably be an option 🤷‍♀️

Othering is really hard to combat, I feel. I don't think many cis people have enough empathy to understand why this is bad.

oh 100%. cis sapphics (the primary ppl here) are especially annoying to deal with on this front because they often think they’re trans allies by default and don’t have to “do better”. it’s just really annoying 😭 you can select both “woman” and “trans woman” but it just feels awkward… honestly tinder, bumble, and hinge gender selection better

i think it is for people who want to be t4t? you don't have to pick "trans woman" if you want to just associate with "woman"

Okay, but I DO have to deal with every single person signing up getting hit with another instance of "trans women are separate from women" which is a massive issue.

Or to be honest, to avoid transphobia too. Terfs will avoid messaging you if you can display it easily. The least rabid ones anyway.

Yeah but it’s still othering, if you want to have a ‘trans woman’ option you also have to have a ‘cis woman’ option and not just ‘woman’ for the cis woman or it’s implying that trans women aren’t real women

Exactly this. Some people jump to conclusions.

"jump to conclusions"? It's quite literally putting trans people in a separate category, how much more 'othering' can you get? If you want to be t4t just put that in your profile.

Because the point of the app is to find suitable dates and if you're t4t you're really not helping yourself by opting out of the trans woman group... One of my biggest annoyances with most apps is that I can't look for only other trans women.

It’s a choice, you can identify as Woman if you want to. But if you want to signal to others that are specifically looking for a Trans Woman, so that you show up on their search, you have that option to identify that way to make you easier to find. It’s up to you. Nobody is forcing you to identify as Trans Woman, it’s just a choice there for you to use if you want to. This is not “othering” I think y’all taking it the wrong way. If the choice weren’t there, the same folks would be complaining that Trans people are not being recognized. Are you suggesting “Woman” is a separate category is also othering? Do you just want one category so that there is no othering? Let’s just use “Human” so that there is no othering /s We are what we are, and you can choose to identify however you feel most comfortable. I don’t see a problem by giving choices.

But then the trade off is you lose the people on her, you'll find a lot more unaccepting people on the other apps

Do you want to match with someone who doesn't want a trans person?

See my big issue is that trans man is still Ann option, I feel that is very telling in itself

Yeah, I don’t want to be an option on the *HER* app, that’s really saddening

The sad thing is I, as a trans woman was a lot more upset by the trans man option, and deleted it right then, just because that held a lot more proof of their values to me that anything else. I want no part of that.

That’s good. I don’t understand the arguments people are making that some trans men still identify as lesbians, like, yeah but that doesn’t mean we should be on their dating apps, y’know? But yes ah it’s just rlly icky

Oh if you can choose both i don't see too much of an issue, just that you can specify you're a trans woman if you wish. Still comes off as cis-defaultism though

I find that progressive cishets are better allies than cis gays/lesbians, because cishets will actually listen with an open mind and learn, whereas cisgays tend to go "that complicates my view of the worlddddd :((((" "that erases my experience :((((" "genital preference is heccin valid :((((("

OH ITS SO ANNOYING. cishet allies don’t have an excuse to be transphobic so they actually try to learn, but so many cis queer people assume they “get it” when it comes to our transness due to their queerness so they think it’s okay to be transphobic. and the genital preferences thing annoys me so much because yes, genital preferences are valid, but every time anyone mentions trans ppl cis queers always feel the need to tell us how they don’t like our genitals. you don’t always have to say it we get it

Heya... cishet dude here. I'm a wee bit older, but I grew up in an LGBTQ enclave. (It was called a "gay" town back then, but that description is neither inclusive, nor does it do it justice.) Anyway, I was a straight kid growing up in that town, and it was a great place to grow up. I had plenty of friends and family of different stripes and colors, and it was tons of fun. Anyway, gay men and lesbians were generally outwardly identifiable in that environment. Similarly, cross dressers were outwardly visible, but I don't remember any trans people. They were invisible... Now that I'm older, I'm 100% certain that I grew up around trans folks, but I would've never known from their outward appearance (and frankly, it's \*NONE\* of my business what genitalia someone might've been born with -- or even what their genetic makeup might be). FWIW - it's healthy that were able to recognize and discuss transness -- unlike when I was younger. Pain and othering will persist (and so will outright bigotry/hatred/ignorance), but damn, we're in a much better spot now that these topics are coming up vs. when I was a kid. Despite the ignorant comments from the "science says there are two genders" crowd, we're all realizing that this is more complex, and frankly, science is starting to break that misconception down. Be proud of who you are and know that progress is being made -- even if you have days where you hate yourself or you feel like you're constantly getting shamed.

this can be true, and i hate to admit it! at the same time i find lesbians are the most likely to be accepting, and i'd name mostly queer cis women as the best allies i have ever had! so this goes both ways. Luckily, i've changed a few minds! i have only a few cis gay men friends tho, and i've known none of them to be allies to me 😅

No, I don't think genital preferences are valid, at least for cis people, because their preferences are almost always couched in either being a transphobe or a chaser, underneath. Further, it's always a requirement with them, never actually a "preference". A preference is like "I like strawberry yogurt best, but I will take blueberry from time to time" Genital preference is "blueberries are disgusting, leave me alone you blue freak!!!!!"

I mean, genital preference is valid, what’s not valid is saying you don’t want to date a trans person because you see them as their agab

Put the options as "woman" and "cis woman" instead of "woman" and "trans woman" and watch them complain.

They might have the empathy but they don't have the knowledge. And when you consider the propaganda from transphobes who trying to take away our civil liberties, getting social equality on top of that is a major uphill battle.

Years ago (I'm not sure if they still do) they had a trans man option. It rubbed me the wrong way, like trans men still "counted" as women.

yeah they do, it’s right under “trans woman” in this post. i’m a trans woman so i don’t wanna speak on it too much but i did see a review for the app saying a trans man was banned multiple times because he “looked cis” which was weird :/

You can still see it in the attached image. That’s definitely kinda icky.

Sorry, I'm a little drunk and didn't notice somehow. 😅 But ew, it's even worse that it's still an option.

Counter point, some trans men still identify with the lesbian community and having that option, allows them to do so. The message there isn't "all trans men are still women" it's "trans men who self identify with this community are welcome"

Also, bigender and genderfluid people exist!! I think people forget that a lot when these sorts of discussions come up...

Gender fluid is already an option there though.

I dont get it, arent lesbians non men who like non men? If you are a trans man you are invalidating yourself when you call youself lesbian

That seems really problematic to me ngl, I haven’t heard of that before, but that really compromises the idea that gender and sexuality are different in a way I’m not comfortable with. The thought that your assigned sex being female would give you the ability to identify as lesbian even as a trans man is really not cool. It screams internalized transphobia to me. Especially considering the equivalent case of a trans woman being considered gay, which definitely has more negative connotations attached historically. Not to say that trans men can’t associate with lesbians obv, but they absolutely should not be on lesbian dating apps.

I just think there's a big difference between "I identify with the lesbian community because of the unique circumstances of my life" and "I, as a man, am going to go on a lesbian dating app for lesbians. Who, you know, generally don't date men." But I'm married to a pansexual enby and we got married when we thought we were both cis so I really don't know what I'm talking about I guess.

Trans masculine people/ trans men have always had a place in the lesbian community if they choose. It's not transphobic. The idea that trans men wouldn't be accepted as part of the lesbian community is actually a proto-terf invention from 60~years ago. I think where your wires are getting crossed, is that lesbian is and always has been as much a community as a sexuality. And that community is historically inclusive of trans masculine people who wish to continue to be part of it. If you want to learn more about the concept and how the lesbian community intersects with gender, I highly recommend the book stone butch blues

I can understand that from the perspective of a lesbian group or club or meeting or something but it really doesn’t justify trans men on a lesbian dating app.

It does though. If they're part of the lesbian community they belong in lesbian spaces. If the argument is that not every lesbian would be ok with dating a trans man then I should also not be allowed because not every lesbian is ok with dating someone with a penis.

They do have that option because some trans men do identify as lesbians. Identities are fluid, and when people identify a certain way for a couple of years, it doesn't always convert overnight to what we deem is the 'correct' label. Tons of nuances in the queer community and as long as it is done in good faith, I think it is all good however ya want to identify :>

I’m cool with this. Trans men are not women but I feel like if he was a part of the lesbian community his egg cracked, then he’s kinda grandfathered into the community if he chooses to stay even if he technically isn’t a lesbian.

That’s a really different thing though. We’re talking about a lesbian dating app.

Maybe the name “her” isn’t the best, but the App Store lists it as “HER: Lesbian & Queer LGBT dating.”

>They do have that option because some trans men do identify as lesbians. Kinda funny because when cis men identify as lesbians they get called out on it

It’s a good bit different than a cis man obviously. Especially considering the long long *long* history of lesbians, butch women, and trans men who labeled as lesbian women before coming out.

today i learned trans men are different from cis men, althought that seems a little transphobic

It’s more complicated than that Edit to add: With cis men calling themselves lesbians, it’s almost always to belittle lesbian women. With trans men calling themselves lesbians, it’s almost always due to the complicated relationship between their gender identity and sexuality. In fact, a lot of trans people (binary or non-binary) have complicated relationships with their sexualities, often times leading to “contradicting” labeling of themselves.

Trans men can identify as lesbian because we’re comfortable in that identity and aren’t ready to leave the community but that does *not* mean that we should be on lesbian dating apps since we aren’t women.

That makes sense to me.

i dont really see how its complicated to say trans men and cis men are equal, if a trans guy can do or be something, a cis guy should be able to do it too and vice versa just not a fan of have trans men being in a different group than cis men, same with cis women and trans women. I'm a woman and I'm dating a man, am i now gay, no because thats straight but if i say im a trans woman and I'm dating a cis man, now am i gay? no because thats transphobic to say im gay for liking men, I'm still straight its also messed uo to call my boyfriend gay for dating me this is like one of the main things always brought up on trans subs by cis people, theres almost always a cis guy asking if hes gay because he finds a trans girl cute, and now were saying it is gay for a woman to be into a trans man and a man to be into a trans woman unless im completely missunderstanding, then please correct me instead of just saying its more complicated, that does nothing

I’m not saying they aren’t equal, just that some experiences in the trans community don’t transfer over to cis people. I’m also not saying that all trans people are suddenly a certain sexuality because of who they’re dating, I’m saying that some trans people label *themselves* certain ways that seem contradictory to the rest of us. The overwhelming majority of trans women who date men will call themselves straight, and the overwhelming majority of trans men who date women will call themselves straight. But there are some trans men and women who won’t follow that type of labeling when it comes to their own experiences with their gender and sexuality, and same is true for a good chunk of non-binary people. Both are accurate and both are valid. It’s not an all or nothing thing. It’s an “individuals are all different and have different paths in life” thing. Edit: I’ve just realized you’re active in truscum communities, meaning there’s nothing I can say or do that’ll actually get through to you to understand that humans are complex beings and don’t fit neatly into boxes.

Maybe it's just my autistic brain here, but it does seem like you're saying they are both equivalent and not equivalent. Like, I don't want to weigh in on the discussion really since it's a nuanced issue I haven't done nearly enough research to have an opinion on but they're either equivalent (the same) or they're not. If a cis man who grew up surrounded by the lesbian community with lesbian parents for example can't identify as a lesbian then I think it's a fallacy to say there is equivalence there. Trans men either have more sexuality fluidity or they don't. To be clear, I'm not saying trans men don't belong in lesbian spaces and I don't want any part of what I've said here to come off that way. I'm only talking about the logic of the statement of equivalency.

lmaooo, i posted the question in truscum because i knew i would get a response, theres one post on there, idk if posting once really means active, but imagine seeing someone have a post in truscum think theyre unable to understand anything also i guess saying trans men and cis men are equal is transphobic

There’s still a trans man option, look at the picture

Eh, I don't mind it. That's something my partner should know, and frankly, I'd want to sort out anyone who isn't cool with trans people before I get started chatting with them. The only time I've ever been gutted during my transition was when I was booted from a lesbian dating group for being trans. I'd rather have known that I wasn't welcome to start with.

oh for sure, i’m not saying it shouldn’t be information. it just feels so weird for “trans woman” to be a separate option to “woman”. like at least make it “trans woman” and “cis woman”? or do what other dating apps do, where selecting “woman” gives a little dropdown to add specifiers such as “trans woman”

ehhh im not sure i like that. that invalidates trans woman who just want to identify as women. they have to disclose their trans status or lie and say they are cis? then you need 3 options "cis woman "woman" and "trans woman" but honestly pretty sure that would devolve into the same problems.

the way those other dating apps do it is you can choose to specify trans or cis as an option for womanhood (and manhood), i just prefer it because in HER’s implementation it suggests “Trans Woman” and “Woman” are entirely separate. you can select both options as well, but it displays on your profile as “Trans Woman & Woman” which feels weird? idk this is all my personal opinion but whatevs

As much as I agree, I feel as though they are still a few leagues above the status quo, so I'll give it an easy pass. My improvement suggestion would be 3 Categories Man, Woman, NB. The next option menu opens up for man and woman: (Cis or Trans) or for NB: (AMAB or AFAB). Or would AMAB & AFAB work for all 3? Idk, I guess user preference.

the whole 3 categories thing with menus underneath it is the standard for every other dating app i’ve used (tinder, bumble, hinge). like the part that’s really weird to me is that the LGBTQ dating app doesn’t do that?

Wow, I actually had no idea. I haven't been on a dating app in many years. I didn't even know the app you were referring to was for LGBTQ. XD

yeah 😭😭 like its amazing that the “standard” dating apps allow you to pick one of the binary genders and then specify if you’re trans or cis and also allow you to pick nonbinary!! its just crazy that the “LGBTQ” dating app doesn’t do that 😭😭

Nah not afab/amab cus not only is it intersex exclusive but it defies the point of being non-binary. Under woman/man there should be a “trans” and “cis” option for sure. But under NB/man/woman there should also be a little box where you can add extra info (your specific anatomy, your gender identity, your pronouns ect.) I would fucking hate if some ass hole ignored the fact that I’m NB and just was attacked to my afab’nes. And I feel like if you date NBs as a true ally you should be ok with getting a agab mystery box Genital preference is valid, but only as much as small vs big dick/boob preferences are valid. And I don’t see any one putting their cup size in their bio.

definitely dont include amab and afab, as theyre fundamentally irrelevant pieces of personal medical info that often only embolden transphobes

> or for NB: > > (AMAB or AFAB). This reminds me of the picture of "Non-binary flag t-shirt (Mens)" and "Non-binary flag t-shirt (Womens)"

I’m okay with it too. I actually wish I could be filtered out of cis men’s searches on Bumble for instance… it would save me a lot of daily/hourly disappointment or random transphobia from people who didn’t read my bio (ie most people)

Yeah but it’s the othering that’s the problem, you wouldn’t say women and blond women, you’d say brunette women and blond women, same goes for trans women and cis women.

This is how I feel. And it lets you select both at the same time, meaning it isn’t trying to mark you as some kind of “lesser” woman for being trans. And it is something I would hope anyone who swipes right on me would notice before doing so. I’ve had a good experience on HER. Met both my ex and current GF on the app.

It’s also kind of uncomfortable that trans men are on there imo, like, if cis men aren’t an option trans men shouldn’t be either, I don’t want to be grouped with people who aren’t men.

Ya I was wondering about that

wow. Why the hell are they including MEN on an app called "HER" ? Tell us you don't think of trans people as their gender without telling us you don't think of trans people as their gender, app. :/

I went on there once. There’s basically a whole section where it’s trans men straight or bi who are just there to talk to each other because they didn’t feel they belonged on any other app. I as a straight guy myself went on there after having an extensive talk with the apps admins about how the marketing is rather confusing and didn’t portray what they were saying the app was for.

[удалено]

Yes grindr also has labels for cis women as well regardless of gay men being the target demographic

tbh that's just as bad. It's so tiring seeing everyone only ever pay attention to AGAB. Even "allies" and other trans people.

How is that just as bad? There’s labels for cis women on grindr too… and neo pronouns.

Her advertises itself as a lesbian dating app. There are trans men who still identify with the lesbian label. I don't personally understand it, but I think it's attempting to be inclusive, not to imply that trans men are not men

[удалено]

Some people don’t use the term transmasc. I’m a trans women but I don’t use the term transfem

It's typical cisbian behavior tbh

Yeah no that’s not what’s happening whatsoever jfc. While the app is targeted at women there also he/him labels on there as well for the trans men who need a space. Many trans men still identify under the lesbian community or prefer dating women. *Her* in my experience has been an extremely good safe space for both parties. It’s not like tinder where cis people are disgustingly rude and it’s not like grindr where people just want sex.

Also, it seems weird having trans men in there. I understand that we have shared history and experiences with sapphic women, but the app is still called “her.”

yeah like there’s nothing wrong with trans men identifying with being a lesbian but it’s weird to call a lesbian dating app “HER” ?? like it just feels icky for anyone who’s not a woman

Although it is very painful for me to choose trans women as an expression of my gender ,but the other party still has the right to know that I am trans. He has the right to choose his partner

The problem is that they're separate, it's almost saying hey are you a real woman, or a trans woman. This could easily be solved by making it 'cis woman' and 'trans woman' instead,

I like having options because I know some trans people consider “trans man”/“trans woman” as their actual gender identity, however on a sapphic dating app it doesn’t make sense to have trans men there. I can understand having trans masculine for GNC butches, but like cmon now. Men?????

I see what you mean, but I dig it cause it's specification, and for people like me, while I am a trans woman, I'm pre-hrt, so I don't look the part.

this might be for the benefit of t4t people, trans women can still use the woman label but cis women arent gonna use the trans label

This! I've met so many of my trans friends through Her.

I won’t play this game anymore. If it’s a choice between woman or trans woman on a form I just pick woman. I do this on medical forms too. It’s no one’s business. If an interaction warrants me disclosing then I will. Otherwise I’m a woman.

I can see that being a necessary thing to put for safety reasons, avoiding getting some transphobe killing you for not knowing you’re trans :/

They could've framed it differently by making the option trans/cis, but no

But how, they don’t have an option for cisgender women?

also isn’t this a lesbian dating app? it’s weird af that trans man is an option but not cis man. are we not men or do we just get to be included cuz (most of us) have vaginas?

To be fair there are trans men and masc enbys who do still identify with the lesbian label . It would make more sense to have it labeled as transmasc or have a trans masc option tho .

Oh, wow, HER. Thanks for including trans men on a dating app meant for lesbians. I definitely don't hear people telling me I'm just a confused lesbian (even though I'm bi) enough already.

Idk some trans guys still identify as lesbians soooo

[удалено]

ya but it gets complicated if you've have one identity for awhile. I do know trans women that still use grindr. and they get a ton of hate from the gay men on there for it. idk why giving more options is seen as transphobic. nobody is forcing people on to these apps. even if it just helps a few queer people feel more welcome, then i think that is good?

It's almost like this whole thing is nonsense when you start breaking it down.

why are trans men allowed on HER they're men

I choose trans woman there. I wanna weed ppl out. And it’s what I call myself

So weird to have non-binary and gender fluid and then have a separate category for trans men and women. Like you're so close. Fuck checking trans woman, you go ahead and use woman. (assuming the checkmark was intentional) I'd be super curious to see if men and women who identify stronger with being trans like this or if this is just cis allyship gone sideways in a management meeting.

Nah I'm cool with it being a seperate option if it weeds out people that wouldn't be willing to date someone that is trans. That is what I loved about Taimi, the ability to only see people that would date someone that is trans. I'm open about being trans and I much prefer apps not show me people that are against dating trans people. Most importantly: People can select the option that they want. No one is forcing anyone to select any particular option.

It’s kinda implied tho that “women” is for cis women tho. I see your logic but if a trans woman picked “women” I feel that she would get a lot of people accusing her of lying.

It quickly becomes a whole conversation on societies definition of gender and terms used to describe it. In reality, regardless of right or wrong, there will be cishet men that are not interested in a trans woman, and there will be cishet women that are not interested in trans men. Maybe it's to do with sexual compatibility, or maybe it's rooted in offensive views. If I can reduce my own time spent talking with people that won't date me because I'm trans, then I'll take that option.

isn’t this a lesbian dating app lol why are trans men and men on there

if they’re gonna include men and separate trans the app should be called THEM instead idk

I know some trans women that say their gender identity is "trans woman", and some that say their gender identity is "woman". So when I see those options, which I have also seen on trans-specific patient intakes, I don't immediately assume that "woman" = "cis woman". However, hard to know the intentions here.

HER used to be a pretty good dating app at first but then it just went downhill when they started putting stuff behind a paywall and allowing Straight CISGENDER MEN on a lesbian dating app that were looking for other woman but had the label "Woman"

Yeah it's not awful but the vibes are off

why is trans man there but not man or cis man? or if they're intentionally excluding men why is trans man there?

Notice how "man" isn't an option but "trans man" is...

Can't remember which dating app it was but it forced nonbinary people to pick nonbinary male or nonbinary female Some cis person somewhere: we're being inclusive 👍

I remember seeing something like that with clothes

It does remind me of people failing to be inclusive by saying 'women and people who identify as women', but I have never used a dating app so I don't really know if this is preferable or not in that context. In a non-dating app context it would 100% be a no-go for me.

I personally appreciate these options. When I'm on a dating app, I want to make it abundantly clear that I am a trans man. If someone has a problem with that, I want them to have every opportunity to not interact with me. Because I don't wanna interact with them. I'm sure some people may feel the same way, so I like this option. Because, of course you can just choose to put woman if that's what you want. I'm assuming you're a woman so idk how that would be incorrect anyways.

Hell Grindr is better than HER

I wouldn’t even know what to put…so basically I’m excluded then… that sucks I guess I won’t be using HER.

I believe you can select both. And you can totally just put woman. Personally I like HER. They let me change my name. Something that none of the other apps offer.

I guess it's easier than having to filter out the transphobes yourself but it sucks that that's necessary in the first place

This is a weird take here. But we still live in an age where a non-bottom surgeried trans woman (or man but it’s less common since women don’t generally kill people) could be killed by a (pardon my language), dick jumpscare. But I also understand that I just want to be called a woman without an extra adjective. So for my own safety I lead with the pretense in a public space around people I know. I don’t go home with anyone for that reason. I just don’t know and I’d rather be safe for myself.

no i definitely feel it’s best to have the trans specifier. the thing that annoys me is the dichotomy between “Woman” and “Trans Woman” as opposed to “Cis Woman”. it just feels weird to me given this app, HER, is meant specifically for the LGBTQ community

Yeah. I get that. Subconscious bias is still there even in safer places. Look I’d love to be sapphic on a dating app but that just sounds like a wound about to hemorrhage. 

I think this is ok (I’m trans). For example let’s say a cis person is looking for another cis person to be in a simple relationship with or have children with, I could understand not wanting to filter through the trans people. Yes a cis person could be in a relationship with a trans person. Yes a cis person could have children with a trans person IF that trans person has frozen sperm or eggs (this is not including adoption). Yes a cis person could have a sexual relationship with a trans person, but let’s remember that not all trans people get bottom surgery. It would be quite surprising for a cis man to find out the lady he was interested in has a penis bigger than his. I’m pansexual so I really don’t care with whichever direction this goes. I’m glad they have the trans sections! This allows other trans people who are interested in being with other trans people to find them easier! Obviously no one wants the trans title but it is what it is. Until we can transfer our souls and minds over into new bodies (like in avatar), we will be trans.

Isn't this the app that's trying to introduce ai camera tools to identify and exclude trans women and is run by a massive transphobe?

Her? But Her has only become more inclusive over time. I think you may have confused it with something else?

Oh yeah I'm thinking of that new one called "the app" or something

A quick google says an app called "giggle" tried to do that? But not Her, Her has been staunchly anti-terf.

I really enjoy having this option because being trans is a huge part of my identity, but can I see how that could make someone else feel!

I liked Her. Didn't have any actual success with it, but I got more conversations on that app than any other dating app. I don't really mind that it separates out trans women. It's a touch othering maybe, but it is extremely relevant for any potential partners. I always had it in my bio anyway, but I'm not looking to surprise anyone or hide it, nor am I looking for anyone who would be against dating trans women to begin with. Plus it's relevant as my identity. I'm a woman, but not exactly (bit of gender flux/agender thrown in), and my gender isn't cis of course.

This is fine to me. It lets people select any or multiple. I have both selected and, if that confuses anyone, it's an immediate tell that i shouldn't date them. Also have the trans pride sticker on my page and wrote that I'm trans in my bio. I'm the type to be very upfront about it. I do wish "cis woman" was equally an option tho 👀 they certainly don't do things perfectly at Her App but it seems like they're trying at least, imo.

What's the issue? I would want the other person to at least know in advance.

Isn’t HER a lesbian dating app? Why would it include trans men? Maybe it’s ment to say transmasc?

Needs more, "Why? Are you a cop?"

IMO I think trans/cis should be a separate parameter from gender on apps/surveys

At minimum the options should be "cis woman" or "trans woman"!! In this kind of thing I tend to just put "woman" and then say I'm trans in my profile (IF I feel like it!). Because screw singling us out like that! Fetlife is the same and idk. Making that the first thing people see is imo basically a chaser magnet and makes it too easy to discriminate

Yeah it feels a little othering towards us.

As much as I think this might be some misguided attempt at being an ally, or maybe some people want that category and feel separate ig... ...It still bothers me, it bothers me that you go through therapists, not even borderline but full on offensive lines of questioning from psychiatrists, tests that assume you're incapable of making rational choices or are a nonce... Go through courts and doctors and jump through legal hoops, you sue your parents in some places, need to provide proof for courts or even have your friends called in as character witnesses, go through discrimination, pain of medical procedures, dysphoria, years of life lost, in some places you need to become legally infertile or have mandatory surgery if you want to correct your gender legally... And then after going through all this just to live your life you're still in a different category for a lot of people... It's sad and disheartening...

Choose woman then. Some people like specifying up front so there is no questions down the road. It helps me feel safer choosing trans woman because I know someone getting involved with me knows up front. And there’s no disclosing and a guy feeling angry because they feel lied too or embarassed

I just choose women

I think it's fine, allows people who are not fine with trans people to filter me out and those who are to clearly be informed I'm trans in a central location.

May I ask why this feels bad? I'm asking out of genuine curiosity because I want to understand, NOT transphobia. I mean, I feel like it makes sense not to hide the fact you are trans to your dating partners as the lack of transparecy alone could make someone feel betrayed when that revelation eventually comes up. Just as it makes sense not to hide you are asexual or aromantic for instance, as it just has implications for the relationship and it won't be everyones' cup of tea, which is fine.

As a trans woman I chose that, for 2 reasons. I am quite proud to be who I am (taken me a while to get there though) and I know that it matters to people looking for a relationship. It's nit ideal but some people prefer a cis woman over a trans woman. Trans women are women, with differences which i believe is why it's important to share.

sorry if im dumb but how come trans man is on there?

why is nobody talking about the fact that theres a trans MAN option on a lesbian dating site

yeah and the app is literally called “HER”.. that just feels like outright misgendering?? I don’t appreciate being othered from cis men just bc of what I was assigned at birth 😭 people keep talking about transmasc lesbians but I literally saw a comment on here that said trans men who look “too cis” get banned. That just sounds like they’re only including trans men who “look feminine enough” which..ew. Does not make me feel like they see trans men as men

Exactly.

I see both. I use Trams Women because atm I am pre hormones so I specify. I’ll swap to saying women when society automatically assumes I am one. I like having both

Me applying to work on a train so I can be a Trans Trams Woman

PERFECT! (I’ve already applied for a job with GWR for this exact reason)

are those the only options?? why is trans man lumped in with woman

i don’t think it’s bad. you are 100% free to just put “woman/man” if you want. you have the extra option of putting “trans” there if you want?

This is such a weird nitpick considering all the choices *Her* offers. First of all you can pick both. “Woman” is commonly accepted as meaning cis. Having the term “trans woman” separate acts as a way to keep us safe. The app allows you to pick Woman, non binary, trans woman, trans man, intersex, pangender, polygender, bigender, agender, genderqueer, questioning, androgyne, neutrois, gender non conforming, two spirit, trans fem, trans masc, womxn, self describe and prefer not to say. All those options and you’re getting upset because they used “woman” instead of “cis woman”. Even I myself refer to cis women as just women. It’s simple and everyone understands regardless of identity. In a public/in person setting ofc cis or trans women are just women. On a dating app there’s a separation and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone on Her is so nice and respectful and understands that trans women are still women. If you feel that it’s a genuine issue reach out to them and ask them to add “cis woman” or “cis gender” to the list.

That would be really interesting to have both. “Woman” and also “Cis Woman” as options because it would really challenge all of us to (1) decide if cis women are stepping up as Allie’s by choosing “cis woman”, (2) it would emphasize “woman” as potentially including trans women, and (3) it would raise to a new level the praxis of only wanting to date cis women

"Cis is a slur!" No, it's a latinate prefix used as adjective 😹

Why are trans men on there, ist it just for girls?

I'm gonna guess they ordered them by % of their community.

Don’t have your VPN accidentally on bc they’ll automatically blacklist your account without a warning. Unless you’re willing to send them pictures of your drivers license via email… not sure what they’d cross reference it with especially if you’re trans and haven’t gotten your legal name change

Some people prefer to use one, or the other.