Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
After having told more than one friend about her cheating bf/husband and being told I'm a liar or "trying to break them up" I will forever stay in my lane and.not say shit. People say they hate cheating and it's a deal breaker but then stay, or worse cheat as revenge. I'm done getting involved. People are weird.
I tried once to tell the person being cheated on that they were becoming friends with their bf’s mistress. They ended up becoming bff and the mistress consoled the gf after they broke up 🥲
Yup. I made this comment on a different post but I have lost friends because I told them they cheated. However, (I've never cheated) but at my age of 34, I have known people who have cheated and as much as it is shitty, it isn't as black and white as I used to think. In general, I stay out of it. Tell me what you want, I'll keep it to myself and that's it.
I have a friend who confessed that she is sleeping with a married man. Her reason for telling me was because I’m “a married woman “ silly as hell. She felt guilty but said she’ll break it off at the end of the summer (she told me summer ‘22). To be honest I was furious and told her it’s wrong . Our morals don’t add up. And quite frankly we’ve grown a part but that scenario just turned me off more with her. I don’t want to be friends with her, I just can’t shake that off. So I get it OP
The thing is, when people enter into affairs, it changes who they are.
I have a once formerly close friend who began a pretty sordid affair. It consumed her life. She had to lie all the time in order to cover her tracks, and consistently chose her affair partner over my friendship. I began to wonder if she was lying to me too, based on all the other lies she admitted she had to tell to keep the thing going. I lost so much respect for her.
I got married during this time and invited her as one last olive branch type of thing. The day before, she texted and said she couldn't make it because she was sick. Of course, this was during the Omicron wave, so it could have been legit, but she'd been using the "I'm sick" excise pre-covid to get out of obligations and I didn't believe her. I just never even responded, and truth be told I didn't want someone who was so willingly able to disregard someone else's marriage to be present at the beginning of mine. That was January 2022 and we haven't spoken since. I miss her friendship, but she chose to blow her life up. I'm not obligated to watch.
Good fucking post, OP. Have any of y'all in the comments ever been friends with a cheater? While they're cheating? I have, twice, and I never will again. In my personal experience, these people definitely \*know\* on some level they're doing something wrong. They want to be enabled. They want the discussion to be about their feelings, not about what they've actually done. In my experience, it's also correlated with a lot of self-centeredness and other toxicity in general. If they're engaging in that kind of behavior, they likely are not thinking about your needs in the friendship, at all.
Yeah, my friends' relationships aren't my business... to a point. Cheating and abuse are that point, for me. Edited to add: When it happens, I will tell said friend I strongly do not condone their actions. Usually, it ends up happening that I don't need to take further action, because they estrange/flip out on me.
YES. When someone is in an affair it really does take over their life. They can't be a good friend because they're always sneaking around to make time for their affair partner. They start lying to cover the tracks, and you're not spared. They flake on plans, they don't want to do things with you because that's the one hour their fling has off from work when they can be together without raising any alarm bells, and they don't want to hear any loving truth from their real friends.
Being friends with a cheater sucks. It drains your energy for nothing in return. I would never do it again.
Yup. And I'm sure this isn't always the case, but sometimes they want you to validate it or at the very least talk about the messy emotions they're having about it. God, it's so damn draining.
Yes my friend literally said she don’t want me to judge her but she told me anyhow. I’m like “??? Well you know you’re wrong sooooo???” She laughed it off and was like “I knowwwwwwww but my psychic told me don’t let the affair last longer than the summer” so silly. She knew she was wrong she came to me to help validate her feelings.
My favorite is when she'd say in one breath that she knows this is a bad idea, but then slyly smile and talk about how happy she was and how she wasn't really concerned about the future. It was so enraging. Just the lack of accountability and the schoolgirl giddiness she, as a 40 year old woman, was displaying over running around playing footsie made me want to punch her.
Each time we hung out, I would be so angry afterwards...and disgusted. These emotions stayed with me for days. But then I realized that *she* didn't feel bad. *She* wasn't having her day ruined by these intense negative emotions. She was having the time of her life and using me to dump all over, then go back to doing it again.
That's why I won't do it again. It's not about whether it's my business or not to tell the other people involved. It's about becoming a dumping ground and listening to a person describe their selfish and careless acts, then feeling like you have to comfort them, and your concerns fall on deaf ears. It's about watching the friendship you used to have with this person take a backseat to repeated infidelity that they *know* is wrong but do it anyway, because they're special and in LOVE AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!
> Yeah, my friends' relationships aren't my business... to a point
I agree with you. I'm seeing this "what my friends do that doesn't involve me is none of my business and has no impact on our friendship" come up a lot in this thread and it's a garbage argument. Take it to an extreme, I'm not going to stay friends with a murderer, even though it has nothing to do with me. I need to respect the actions of my friends in order to be friends with them. Cheating is something I don't respect, greatly so, so I wouldn't be friends with someone that I don't respect. It's that simple.
I agree, tho I do think there are boundaries to be respected here.
I once had a friend who told me he didn’t mind being an alibi as long as he got some warning. I know he was trying to be loyal but still, it shocked me.
I kind of do the same for friends who do hook ups. I agree to lie for them if they provide me with an address and name if I find them back in a gutter.
Still, if it’s cheating I would probably be long gone. Of course I would only leave after scolding them. Really, you can hold your friends to high standards. Always.
Respect boundaries of a cheater? Lol that's a funny joke. The moment I found out a friend was cheating they'd lose all my respect and I would never be able to look at them the same
I agree with you there, I personally can't say whether it's my business to tell someone what's going on but if i knew a friend of mine was doing that to their partner I'd lose a load of respect for them and would likely fall out of that friendship because it goes against what my own morals are.
I'm lucky I don't attract shitty ppl so I'll never have to deal with this cuz I'd snitch on them. Cheaters disgust me. My only exception to cheating is if they're being abused
The thread is weird .people justifying their friends actions and saying it's not that big of a deal.
I always wondered what their reaction would be if they got cheated on.will they still say it's not that big of a deal?
Lol this thread is garbage. Someone basically said "you must be young because you haven't said 'fuck it' yet" and it has upvotes. Like it's inevitable you'll succumb to cheating. These people are fucked.
Infidelity is another immoral act that soon we will not be allowed to "shame"
Married 20 yrs and still faithful here. If one of my friends was a cheating scumbag, he wouldn't be my friend any longer. I
Good on you guys and congratulations. I don't know if it's just an American or Western thing (and it's catching up everywhere else now anyway), but divorce was so common among all my friends' families growing up. And it's crazier now.
My parents are still together. They re pushing close to 50 years. It is definitely rare. We have so many friends whose weddings we attended after ours that are divorced.
Edit: thank you very much
Or, and hear me out here, you start out idealistically and then you realize that when you interfere in people’s affairs of the heart they often end up blaming *you* no matter how morally righteous you feel it is.
Often the person who was cheated on will call you a liar and say you’re trying to break them up and make your life miserable.
If the options are maintaining integrity or abandoning my morals then I know what I'm picking, regardless of whether it brings some heat down on me.
I'm not playing with this whole "do the right thing only when it's easy" thing you've got going on.
I think having some doubt or suspicion over a friends claim that your partner is cheating is normal especially if you never suspected anything. Because there are "friends" who would intentionally try to sabotage a relationship or are mistaken. Personally I would tell my friend I'd take their claims into consideration but I would need to find evidence for myself to validate their claims and make sure.
To me it’s different. Like I’ll tell my friend to their face they’re a piece of shit for it but I don’t think I’d up and just abandon them over something I didn’t know about (assuming the relationship ended because it came out they were cheating already) and if I found out my friend was cheating while they’re still in the relationship I’d give them two options. End it or I will. I don’t condone cheating but my friends relationships have little to do with me.
I have a friend who once cheated on her ex gf. We are still friends, but I didn’t let her get away with it. I sat her down and told her how wrong I thought what she was doing was, and she came clean and accepted the consequences of her actions. She learned, and she grew, and she would not do that again.
I wouldn’t have stayed friends with her if she hadn’t changed. But I think you should give people a chance to be better. Obviously this is situation-dependent (in her case there was current abuse and lots of past trauma so I was inclined to give her a bit of slack) but people CAN learn and if you can help them do that, then why not do it?
I would have thought a lot more people thought this was common sense and not an unpopular opinion... Seeing the comment section apparently a lot more people disagree.
A lot of people in the comment section that I read especially the 'enablers' as the OP posted never really said anything about being in the position of someone being cheated on which is somewhat odd that I have to point that out. And seems somewhat hypocritical since if you were someone being cheated on and your friend knew you would want to be told.
So I guess I agree with the OP, additionally if somehow my friend who cheated didn't fess up, I would send an anonymous chat towards the victim.
More like I'm just trying to not be hypocritical in my views, it just leaves me churning slightly to be as scummy as the dude who is cheating/an enabler like the original OP said.
This is one of the topics I just won't budge about regarding my opinions.
I would be suspect of any partner of mine who is friends with a cheater. If they think cheating is okay, what would stop them to cheat on me?
I personal am no friends with people without moral, I know what it feels like to be cheatet on.
My mate cheated on his ex-gf.
I used to tell him I think he's a wanker and he should do the right thing and break up with the poor girl rather than hurt her like that..
Does that mean I'm a arsehole because I'm still his friend but I expressed how I don't appreciate his shitty behaviour?
If the girl knew, the guy wouldn't have called it cheating. And it's pretty safe to assume people don't allow their partners to sleep around, only very small portion of people do that.
I love how unforgiving the Internet has made people. It’s just going to fuck things up even more. Round of applause for ya’ll, you’re doing this to yourselves.
Cheating is bad, I’ve been cheated on too a couple of times. But fuck. Life isn’t a movie. We’re all human and go through different phases of life and learn as we go. As you go through more and more experiences in life, you realize how much of yourself there is about your journey and intentions that others will never know or truly understand. You’re also not obligated to tell others EVERY fucking part about yourself, but at the same time the people around you need to also understand this about others and themselves.
Now that I’m older and in my 30s, there’s a lot more I understand. Had a totally different mindset and emotional outlook on life in my early teens, mid teens, late teens, early 20s, mid twenties, mid late twenties, late twenties, hell, even 1-2 years ago I thought differently. When you’re young you think you know everything and that all your emotions and life decisions should be set in stone. That’s Bullshit.
The people equating cheating to rape in this thread are just mental. Yes, it's bad, maybe talk to them about it, but get a grip guys people fuck up sometimes.
I agree, I cut off my best friend due to this exact problem. He didn’t see the problem, I did. I confronted him, he didn’t understand why. He said “bros before hoes.” I wasn’t trying to get with her, I just knew it was wrong he was so open and honest about cheating yet didn’t see an issue.
110% agree. I just dropped a friend because she cheated on her husband with a much younger man and is now having said man over every Friday to play dungeons and dragons with her husband and friends. It’s disgusting and I won’t tolerate that kind of behavior. If it’s okay to do it to your spouse then what makes me feel like our friendship is safe?
To be honest, if I was knowingly friends with a cheater, I would try to use my influence with them to get them to end the illicit relationship, if I could, and then to confess to the person they've been cheating on, even if it ends that relationship. I would try to use empathy and support to get them to do the right thing, and to learn and grow and become a better person.
Our friends can influence us for good or ill, and we can influence them.
I don't think its a matter of me changing them, so much as me supporting them as they change themselves.
If they're not willing to do that, if they're knowingly going around hurting the ones they love, then yeah, that's a perfectly good reason to end a friendship. Why would you even want to be friends with someone disloyal and unfaithful? But people are weak, I'd give them a chance to do better, first.
For cheating, anyway. For other things, like rape and murder, I don't think I could look past that.
I can forgive a lot of things, but willful betrayal of trust, especially the kind that couples in a relationship (married or not) require, isn't one of them. If you want to sleep with other people have the basic decency to be up front about it and leave the relationship.
i also thought that this was the common opinion people had, but found out a while ago that its not because this isnt the first time someone has posted it on this sub.
i dont try to reason with anyone anymore, since it looks like everyone is pretty happy with their choice about this.
and anybody can just be with people with a similar mindset i guess.
personally i wouldnt be friends with a cheater, just as i wouldnt be friends with someone who did whatever other bad thing like kicked a homeless person or abused their cat.
but i dont really care if you want to be friends with a cheater, just know that you have zero sympathy from me if you get cheated on and dont find out about it until after you have kids because none of your acquaintances told you about it.
i feel like most of the people who dont care about it when it happens to someone else, act like once Theyre the victim, everybody else is in the wrong and they should have been treated differently. like ?? you get what you give
Smoking like somebody who actively gets involved with other people's lives. Look man I can barely hold my own shit together I don't have time for other people's bullshit.
I am no stranger to situations where my friends have fucked up, where I fucked up, and where I was on the receiving end of someone who fucked up. At first, even though I don't agree with what they do, I thought it's their business first and are adult enough to deal with it and the consequences. But on some occasions I have been scolded for *being an enabler* because, tbf, that's how it looked like even though I kept reminding them and calling them out. I tell myself they're not bad people, just making stupid decisions and are redeemable.
But at some point, it becomes exhausting and draining especially when you start to identify yourself with the people they hurt - and it becomes an extra kind of painful because it is your friend in the wrong. Then you just kind of decide to set a boundary.
In the end, I think it's important to discern when to be a friend and when to dissociate because they can't/don't want to be helped. Friends are there to remind you or keep you grounded, not solve your problems for you.
There is a difference between lying for someone and simply knowing. I'm not going to lie for you, don't put me in that situation. It's also not my place to run and tell.
And where do we draw the line? Is dancing with a person at the club cheating? Accepting a drink? Some people will lose thier shit over that while others won't. I can't be worried about that. But don't expect me to lie for you.
Also, good friendships are like family. We love those people in spite of thier flaws. We try to help each other be better people. I may have to distance myself from you for a while if you can't get your shit together, but I'm still here for you.
If that makes me an enabler, so be it. Relationships are complex.....
BEING FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO IS RUDE TO WAITRESSES MAKES YOU ALSO RUDE TO WAITRESSES!!!!
No, of course not. If I think that my actions might change my friend’s views then I would take those actions, but cutting off people just because they do something immoral is counter productive. If I cut off my friend who cheats on his girlfriend he’s still going to cheat on his girlfriend, but now he won’t have someone trying to convince him it’s wrong. Also, just because he does one bad thing doesn’t mean he’s all bad. He could be a great guy that just has a problem.
I highly doubt that someone who is consistently horrible to waiters is onltly mean to this soecific group of people and is complete angel to everyone else
It isn't counterproductive. My life immediately became better after dropping a friend who treated others badly and wanted to drag people into her bad decisions by trying to make people be her enablers.
And her life has completely unraveled since. Nobody is willing to be at her side anymore and help her. All her decisions have caught up to her, and now she has hit rock bottom. Nobody is being hurt by her anymore. Her current place in life is where she deserves to be.
>BEING FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO IS RUDE TO WAITRESSES MAKES YOU ALSO RUDE TO WAITRESSES!!!!
That is not what they said, it's like if you remain friends with a rapist, doesn't make you a rapist, does mean you don't think rape is a deal breaker.
But being friends with someone who is not a good person (rude in this example), means on some level you are fine with the behavior. You are who you spend time with. The older I get (late 30s) the more I realize how much other people don’t “want to get involved”. But if you had ever been on the receiving end of a bad person, and people who you thought were friends and family excusing their behavior, I think people would feel differently.
Unfortunately, I have been there. But when I was a child and the person was a church leader and groomer. No one stood up for me in the church. No one wanted to get involved even knowing what this man was capable of and eventually raped another young girl (and had a history of rape). Only the investigators were sympathetic. I think often how many bad things could be prevented if people doing bad things felt shame by the group instead of indifference to their bad behavior.
In cases of cheating I would never be friends with a cheater(and they obviously weren’t sorry). They obviously have no empathy and loyalty means nothing to them. Why would you be friends with someone who would throw you under the bus if it meant they got what they wanted or it saved their skin? Who needs enemies when you have friends of that character?
People think being friends with a shitty person is not a big deal because “they don’t condone their actions”. Well, you kinda do because in the end this shitty person is not facing any consequences because people are still willing to be with them. And shitty people don’t limit themselves to one shit action, their friends will eventually get burned too because, surprise! They are shitty as a whole!
Agreed with the not facing consequences thing. My soon to be ex wife used to brag to her friends about cheating. Not a single one of them told her that's fucked up. None stopped being her friend. They all just silently condoned it. Sometimes not so silently. If I cheated, I'd lose pretty much all my friends and they would've told my wife if I had kept doing it and showed no remorse. I feel every single one of her friends are pieces of shit
The fact that people think it’s okay to not tell the cheated partner because “it’s not their business” let’s on on how trash they are. You are willingly watching someone be hurt and deceived just because you don’t want to put yourself on a slightly uncomfortable situation. Cheating has SA vibes too because a person is giving their consent on a sexual situation without having the full information, they are being deceived to have sex. They also didn’t consent to potentially be exposed to STD.
Right? Like indifferent, not polite enough? The fact that I say thank you constantly sort of shames them into the same. But are we talking rude like actually saying mean things? As a regular practice?
I'm not hanging out with someone who is regularly rude to people.
yea when i hear rude i assume treating them like shit on a regular basis like why tf would i be friends with someone like that lol being mildly cold or indifferent is one thing but actively rude all the time? hell no
It's not necessarily your business unless you're involved in some manner, no, but going to dinner with a friend who is rude to servers and not addressing it if it is done in front of you does make you also rude to servers, though.
Likewise, if you are friends with both halves of a couple and remain friends with both halves of a couple if you learn about one half's infidelity, you are a party to the situation. By doing or saying nothing about the situation that you are a party to, you are enabling the behavior.
No they didn't say that being friends with a cheater MAKES you a cheater. They said it means you are an enabler of that behaviour. Same with your example. If I had a friend who was disrespectful to waiters/waitresses and any staff in any public place, I'm enabling them to continue doing so unless I...you know...like a decent person, tell them what's wrong with what they're doing.
It's not counterproductive, quite the opposite, actually. If you keep losing friends due to a terrible trait you have, you're a lot more likely to try to change that trait, than if all of your friends just ignore this terrible quality about you.
People tend to only change when they need to. If i can engage in nasty behavior and not lose anything, why would i stop that behavior?
The only people who sympathize with cheaters are people have cheated cheaters/cheater sympathizers are the same people. Or at the very least people who are extremely tempted to cheat.
Not really. I can't think of why anyone would sympathize with a such a terrible thing unless like I said 1. They've done it or 2. They've considered doing it.
Surely there is nuance to be found between: “agree with my friends on everything” and “cut a friend off for cheating”. Like. You wouldn’t stay friends with a rapist, right? You would stay friends with someone who made a social mistake once every blue moon, right?
There clearly is a line, OP is just showing us one place they draw their line. Saying you can’t agree on EVERY issue with your friends so therefore no issue is a friendship dealbreaker is clearly fucking stupid.
Dense af lol. Obviously no one agrees on everything but you also wouldn't have any friends if you disagreed with everything they did. There's a balance and a limit. You're not supposed to condon everything your friends do and you're also not supposed to disagree with everything either hence a middle ground. Cheating is universally considered shitty. Being friends with one doesn't look good on you and ppl would have every right to judge you and your cheating friend lmao
THIS!!! I swear some of the people in this thread are trying so hard to take op's post to the extreme as if it's a gotcha somehow. I mean no shit obviously I don't agree with everything my friends did/do but fuck yes would I draw the line at cheating.
THANK YOU! Jesus. These fresh faced kids with their ultimatums and moral high grounds have no life experience. How many of us/our friends are completely different people at 40 than at 20? We're all just living on this spinning planet trying to make it work. People make mistakes, they learn, they grow, we move on.
I know people who are friends with the cheater but still expect me to be cool with them, and think there's maybe "two sides to the story" or some shit.
Same with abusers.
In the past when there was a situation like this, my friends and I spoke to the person about it.
Basically: cheating is not ok. "Either break up with your girlfriend now, or stop pursuing this other girl/stop cheating."
Or when the cheating went too far already: "tell your boyfriend that you cheated" (different person).
I wouldn't end my friendship if one of my friends really cheated now., That's too extreme. You want the best for your friends, and you can help them with that.
You can say it's wrong and still be friends with them lmao. Calling your friends out is part of the course. If they don't get better then it's your choice if you want to be friends with them or not, but saying it makes you an "EnAbLeR" by being friends with a cheater is ludicrous.
Also, I'm so tired of these buzzwords that are meant to make others feel bad. Stupid
Firm agree. Not only would I tell them off, I'd also make their partner aware, and more than likely cut ties, unless or until they showed proper remorse and change. Cheating is one of the purest moral wrongs in a relationship. It's makes someone a bad person and until they can fix that, I can't be friends with them.
Fuck the haters, we are right. "Its not my buisness" maybe it isn't, but why would I want to be friends with someone so fucking degenerate. Of they'd do that to the person they are meant to love the most, what would they do to me. From a compassionate or purely self interested lens, it seems stupid to be friends with a person who is a cheater.
Seeing some folks in these comments making it real clear they're fine with enabling shitty behavior. You just know they're hypocrites too. They'd down for letting their friends cheat, but would be upset if they were being cheated on and their "friends" said nothing.
Edit: Got it. Apparently, cheating isn't a bad thing according to users here and you all would be fine with being cheated on and your friends simply not telling you.
Birds of a feather flock together…while I won’t tell their SO, I’ll distance myself from that friendship until it’s no longer..I get that some ppl make mistakes but it’s a character flaw that I’d rather not have in my life. To all the ppl trying to defend it, it speaks volumes about YOU
I don’t agree that being friends with an immoral person makes you guilty of the same moral crimes. I think it makes you have some internal dissonance with morals but my partner cheating is much worse than my partner knowing and friending a cheater.
I think this is tough, as someone who has had trouble setting boundaries with “friends” that do not respect me nor value my time.
I’ve come to the realization that the ones that have been cheaters or the affair partner have constantly demonstrated their selfishness by putting me aside, dumping this kind of information in past tense with intentions of changing themselves, cue me talking with them that they should actually do what’s best either come clean or own up and end it, stop hurting others and stop pretending their feign innocence.
Sadly, past tense did not come with guilt from them, they keep pursuing people they know they’d want to cheat with, break their relationships or other shit. And I’ve realized keeping my distance and starting to focus on better relationships and same minded people is the only thing to get me out of this mental gutter of mental gymnastics after trying to “hear them out” but in the end it’s nothing more than some convoluted way to speak of themselves and how important they must be to everyone.
So yeah, I don’t think we should keep friends with cheaters, I do think people can change but it requires help and actual value to their actions to show they have changed. Otherwise it’s only keeping a snake ready to bite you free of its cage in your inner circle.
I think I agree. Cheating isn’t some mundane no big deal type of thing. It’s a really fucked up thing to do. If you’re friends with a cheater then that all means you’re not a good person.
That’s why I’ve distanced myself from my childhood best friend.
She loved the cheating, and would cheat on every guy she was with, but when I suggested she go ahead and ask for open relationships with anyone she planned on dating, she’d say ‘but it would break my heart to have them sleeping with other people’.
Ugh. No. I have warned the few guys who asked me about her since I drew back, because yes, she’s absolutely, stunningly hot. She’s really cool, and is a good girlfriend in other ways if you don’t mind the constant cheating. Some guys will put up with that in order to have a trophy girl on their arm. I just think that they should know ahead of time so they can make an informed choice.
I kind of agree, maybe not in the same way 100%, but I do believe that you are who you hang out with
I personally, won’t be friends with someone like that. In fact, I’ve dropped friends over it.
And if nothing else, it tells me that you’re not only willing to be complicit with someone’s bad behavior, but it also tells you they can’t be trusted
Sure; we can get into a discussion all damn day about “iF yOu cAnT tRuSt yOuR pArTnEr” but, would you introduce your boyfriend to a friend like this? No. Would I invite them to a wedding? No.
Because we can talk shit online, but in real life, cheaters don’t have friends. They really don’t.
OP I 100% agree with you lol. You are the company you keep. If someone is hanging around shitty people then they're probably equally as shitty or an enabling follower with no back bone to ditch bad company. Hanging around bad influences will always reflect poorly on someone's credibility or reputation it's just common sense we literally judge politicians and celebrities for this. Not sure why this wouldn't apply to regular non famous people.
I want you to go ahead and look up the statistics of how many people cheat and realize how infeasible your argument, as well as the fact that other people’s relationships are not yours to run, it’s quite frankly none of your business.
I don't know about the "enabling" part of OP's post, but I get where he's coming from in the scorn sense when it comes to cheaters in particular. There are different levels of people sucking, but cheating on their significant other has to be in the top 10, at least.
My take on associating with cheaters is this: If someone is willing to betray and lie to the person they're supposed to love the most, be the most invested in and have the most respect for how could I possibly ever trust that he or she isn't doing the same to me, a mere friend?
I will distance myself from a person that is actively cheating, and if they want to talk about it, we will talk, but I won’t candy coat or walk on eggshells and pretend I’m okay with it. If they’re apologetic and take responsibility and accountability for their actions, fine, but if that’s the life style they want to live, I’m not gonna hang around to watch.
It’s not all black and white, but it all comes down to how the issue gets resolved.
If someone cheats on their partner, it’s a sign that you can’t trust this person. If they are shitty enough to betray a person with whom they have a family (or in a process of having), what makes you think that you are above of being f$cked over?
If any of my friends would be cheating on their partners, I would cut off all the ties with them.
All these people defending that it's not a big deal been friends with cheaters .
If they are willing to cheat on their partner what guarantees that they will not betray u or do the same .
Well, 1.) It isn't a guaranatee even if they didn't cheat and 2.) This time, you just happen to know about it. Makes no difference even if you didn't know
Betreyal isn't something to consider because it doesn't matter here
So I'm supposed to destroy my relationship with my friend because she decides to step out of her relationship what the f*** does that have to do with me I didn't tell her to cheat. I'm not giving her excuses at the end of the day she's a grown ass woman she can do what she want she has to make her own choices
I always try to talk sense into people close to me when they do bad things, but at the end of the day, if my best friend cheats, that doesn't have anything to do with our friendship, that is a dynamic and relationship with another person, whom I most certainly do not know that well, and would never choose over my friend and frankly, do not care about as much as my friend. All I can tell them is that I disapprove. If I were to cut off everyone who did something like that, I would have nobody. Cheating is extremely common to the point where a good chunk of people I know have done it at some point in their life, and regretted it. It is certainly not as bad as killing someone or raping someone. It is not as destructive to their mental health as doing drugs. I am a human who loves certain people more than others, and I am not gonna cut off my friend for cheating on their partner who I really do not love or care about. While I don't condone their behavior, they are an adult, that is their relationship with another adult, and that has nothing to do with our relationship. If someone cheated on me, of course, I would expect their friends and family to be upset with them, but cutting them off just because they cheated on me would be messed up. While it would make me depressed and would mess up my self esteem, I don't view it as an evil or mentally destructive thing for that person. It is a bad and deceptive thing to do, but I cannot stop people from loving them or them from loving other people.
Nah, I hold friends accountable. I’ve lost decade long friends over crap like this. As someone who has been cheated on and hated the feeling…
I couldn’t stand by someone knowing they’re putting someone else through that. No matter how close we are.
I agree to an extent I guess? It really depends tho, if my friend cheated, felt no remorse over it and kept doing it then yeah, I'd dip probably. But if they just cheated and regretted it afterwards I might still be friends with them, but just look at them differently. However tho, if I'm not close friends with the person getting cheated on then sorry but this isn't my business. I have no energy getting into my friends relationship drama and I wouldnt want them to get all up in my relationship business too unless I consented to it.
Everything I just said is something I'd expect if I was being cheated on. I'd get if my bf's friend wouldnt tell me however I'd appreciate knowing that from our mutual close friends. Also, while I agree you should be honest with your friends and let them know when they are doing something wrong, it is still not my responsibility if they're still shitty people
A friend of mine cheated on his girl while he was under the influence. My other friend and I bullied him for it because that was so stupid. The girl was hitting on him the whole party and he is like "huh, anyway" and gets drunk and high. He sleeps with her TWICE. We convince him to tell his girlfriend who stays with him long enough to cheat on him with her ex. Bunch of idiots
So, about 15 years ago I had a friend that would cheat on his long term girlfriend. I had hung out with them for years and she was a very nice person. He would cheat on her habitually and this one night he and I had gone to a party and we rode together. We are there a few hours, he is talking to other girls and I find a girl to chat with. He finds out his gf is coming and decides he wants to leave immediately. He was my ride but I was talking to this girl and it was going great. I decide to stay, his gf arrives as he is leaving and they get into a huge fight outside. He leave, she is crying in the street, literally. I go outside to comfort her and she begs me for 15 minutes to tell her if he is cheating on her because she has suspicions. I cave, tell her about it, she loses it even more. She gives me a ride home and I talk talk to her a bit more and she calms down.
The next day my friend calls me angry as hell that he can’t believe I told her.. he calls later and has her on 3 way and wants me to say I lied about it all! Hahaha! I say yea right and pretty much hang up after explaining why would I lie and especially lie under pressure?
The girl I had been dating actually stopped talking to me because she said I shouldn’t have said anything. Whatever. I was tipsy and tired of covering for him.
Don’t enable people to be a cheater. It isn’t right whatsoever.
I’ve witnessed it first hand many many times but never with a close friend. My stance is if this is one of my personal good friends, hell ya I’m saying something. But if it’s just a random person or someone I barely know, nope ain’t worth it.
I'm also surprised that this is such an unpopular opinion... I get that if you have a really close friendship with someone who ends up cheating, you would give them multiple chances and try to be there for them (bc honestly they're probably going through something too). But after a while doing nothing becomes a tacit endorsement. When I was 22 I caught a friend of mine cheating on his girlfriend and I told her about it. All of my friends thought I was crazy for it, which was a good sign that I needed new friends.
If I had a friend whom was cheating and claimed to be of the same religion as me, I may well estrange myself from him or her for at least a time. If he or she is not the same religion, I would not expect any different. I am a Christian, by the way, and I definitely send in my own ways. That said, the Scriptures are clear that we are not engage with someone whom claims to be a believer and lives extremely counter to that.
There was this guy whom I have a mutual friend w/ that enabled him 2 cheat on his partner. This guy wanted me as a fwb, yet my friend still wants 2 hang w/ him ugh.
I've said my peace, they dont want to change, their cheating has no impact on my relationship with them. I'd also be throwing away multiple friends or I'd have to convince everyone to view things similarly and excommunicate them.
I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that tbh. Like at the end of the day it’s there choice to cheat- doesn’t effect me- but at the same time that means they hold different values and I have no interest in socializing with people like that.
My ex friend cheated on my cousin
Ruined my friendship with them, because i wasnt willing to remain friends. Also ruined my relationship with my cousin because i told him, but not soon enough apparently… i waited a week for her to tell him herself
If one of my friends told me they were cheating on their person we’d be done. I guess it did actually happen once - found out a “friend” at work was sleeping around on work trips - I lost all respect for him and basically stopped talking to him other than work things. Haven’t talked to him once since he left the company - he has a wife and two kids - fuck him.
I am not friends with anyone that has cheated (or at least none that I know of). My dad was an unrepentant serial cheater, and that largely contributed to our estrangement.
From an intellectual perspective, I think there is a different conversation of being friends with a serial cheater v. a person who confides a one time mistake after the fact. In the first instance, you’re an enabler. In the second, you could be a source of support and help the person deal with whatever issues that created the situation in the first place. Personally, I don’t view that as being enabling, but helping your friend improve.
Like most things, there is probably some nuance in a lot of situations.
If you’re staying to help them improve, then I don’t think you’re enabling them. I’d respect that. I agree with your point. I guess I just haven’t made my post clear enough to say that I was referring to serial cheaters or cheaters who think they didn’t do anything wrong
Meh idk I’m my 35 years I’ve sadly known a lot of cheaters from all walks of life. Family, friends, friends of friends. My husbands two
Best friends from childhood/college have cheated. Three of my best friends have cheated and another semi emotionally cheated. I know i won’t cheat and I trust my husband not to. But I would have to disown my parents and a lot of other family. Just not worth getting all up in arms about if it’s not my business.
It’s easy to be an enabler if they’re arrogant enough to think they’re immune from getting cheated on. But if it ever happens to them, then everyone who kept the secret would be a huge asshole in their eyes.
I get it. I always tell my friends if they're being shitty and I expect them to care. In high school my very best friend was a serial cheater. She'd lead guys on as well, for as long as it took to keep giving her attention without getting their hopes up *too* much.
I eventually had enough when she cheated on a mutual friend who'd been in love with her for years. The guy was definitely a pushover about her but he was a kind, genuine person. I distanced myself from her until we just stopped talking.
Making a mistake once or twice and being remorseful is one thing, but hurting people over and over because you refuse to understand you need to get your shit together... Not acceptable
When I was 18, fresh out of high school, I started working in a factory part time. I made friends with this guy who was in his 30s (it was purely platonic, nothing shady).
Well, a new lady started working there and apparently she and my friend started hooking up. Both of them were married with kids. I was uncomfortable about the whole situation. Especially since i worked next to both of them like, 3x a week. Any time my friend tried to bring it up, I'd tell him it was wrong and I didn't want to hear about it.
I didn't know his family and we only talked here and there outside of work. It caused a lot of drama on the assembly line. Especially since the lady was a shit stirrer. She ended up causing a divide in the line workers, creating an "us and them" between the two groups.
Being as young and fresh as i was, i found it all entertaining. I thought the drama was "fun" but I think it was mostly because I was on the outside edge. It didn't impact me outside of work so I didn't really care.
They eventually broke up and, iirc, he told his wife. He got mental health help because, supposedly it had something to do with him being depressed. I'm not sure exactly as I can't recall 100%. He and his wife stayed together under the condition of an open phone policy and no contact with the lady. The wife also got a job at the factory in a different area. It was a decent sized factory but we would see her sometimes. She was a nice woman.
At the time, i thought it was weird and controlling but, again, i was 18 and didn't know much of anything. Looking back, its kind of wild to think about. Other than that blip, I loved my factory job. I only left because I ended up moving 40 minutes away.
The affair lady left the factory for some reason or another. I can't recall exactly. But after she left, a lot, if not all, the drama stopped. The us and them stopped and the line basically became a big group that worked together. It was a lot better and a lot more fun.
I think, had it been a friend outside of work, it would have been a lot different. I do know I'd lost a lot of respect for my friend as a person but of course I couldn't rock the boat. I worked with him and i didn't know his wife or kids.
*Edit paragraph order*
I have to agree I knew a guy that was doing this and he had a gf he thought was cheating on him as well (of course she was) but he was always upset about it and acted like he was bothered by it yet he was doing the same , we were friends for a while (he wasn't good people but I was in a bad place myself at the time I have since learned to be a better person and surround myself with better people) I can understand being worried and upset by the thought of the person you are with cheating but at the same time wtf you're doing it. I should have been a better person at the time and either said or did something to help the girl out but no surprise she wasn't good people either so I wasn't sure what to do and ended up not doing anything. However there was a night while I was at this friends house and we were all drinking and having a good time when the gf in question hinted that she was into me and because I was also drunk I couldn't pass up the opportunity that had just been offered to me and we kissed unfortunately. The ex-friend doesn't know about the other stuff that we did but it's gonna stay that way since he definitely did find out about the kiss and we obviously stopped being friends after that he was super pissed and rightfully so but she had been cheating on him with someone else for a while and that same person ended up getting her pregnant it was a massive mess the whole time and was made even worse when everything came out. To this day I still can't believe I ended up in a situation like that crazy.
Lost respect for a girl I started dating cause she lived with a girl that openly slept with only married men. Couldn’t live with that myself. Married men regularly walking out your front door back to their families and she’s proud of it. And you can live with it? Soz, I’m out.
Ya, I’m quick to point it out if my friends fuck up. Depending on their reaction, that gives me my answer if we should stay friends or not. Recently had to have a sit down talk with my friend (who has a partner) because she started making out with another girl right in front of us. The next day, invited me to her partners birthday party… I couldn’t bare to sit there and smile knowing what happened so I didn’t go to the party. A couple days later, Sat my friend down to address what happened, and learned that they’re consensually open!
So it all worked out & we’re still friends. Moral of the story is stand up for what u believe in & ask questions !!! Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding, sometimes it gives u the green light to let them go!
I agree.
I was out clubbing with my best friend (J) when I saw a text from a mutual friends husband (AH). I confronted J and she said they were separated. I text out mutual friend (K) and asked where her husband was. She said he was lying next to her in bed. I told J what was going on. Told K what was going on (she was pregnant with their second child btw).
J, my best friend, actually BECAME my best friend because she told me the person I was dating at the time had drunkenly confessed to cheating on me. I knew it, but could never get her to admit it. I just needed the truth. I can’t tolerate deception. I don’t like lying or being lied to, and that dislike extends to not accepting the lies others live and push onto people they “love.”
I’ve cheated and been cheated on. I regret having been a coward to cheat when I just didn’t know how to end a relationship.
I have no desire to be friends with someone who admittedly behaves like this. This is also probably why I have no friends. If my friend or aquaintance was a cheater or a mistress I would advise them to come clean and if they are gonna stay in denial I would try to have as little contact as possible with them. I don’t wanna be associated with that or around that negative energy. It brings me down.
I'm going to continue to mind my own business. I'm not judge, jury, and executioner and I'm not perfect either. People make mistakes. It's not my business. I see absolutely no reason to get on my high horse and drop contact with someone I love over a situation that has nothing to do with me. Consenting adults make a choice and it's their lives, not mine. What kind of friend drops someone over this? Good, true friends stick by each other and don't judge.
hm i see where you are coming from but what you are saying just doesn’t accomplish anything. I have been cheated on before very ruthlessly, and I do not cheat nor support cheating; yet I am good friends with a married man in the army. he’s in a foreign country while his wife is on the other side of the world and he lives every weekend like the freest most single man. am i less of a friend because i listen and try my best to be unjudgemental when he tells me about how he cheated yet again? no i don’t think so. we have had many conversations about his wife, and yet there is just no logic behind why he cheats. if i criticize, i know he will continue to do it and just not confide in me anymore, and then if that happens who will be there to tell him to calm down when things really begin to get out of hand? cutting off a relationship with a person really never accomplishes what is intended, may even cause the opposite effect. In this case: more cheating by the cheater now that they have lost a friend to confide in.
Honestly as adults I agree. As teens I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I was cheated on as a teen and I have always said that we were young and dumb and that’s why it doesn’t matter to me anymore. Of course it left me with some trust issues however I don’t hold it against him and as long as he isn’t still doing that then I truly think he’s a good guy. We haven’t spoken in years but I wish the best. My best friend as a teen cheated on her boyfriend. It was a long time ago and she’s not that person anymore. I’m not defending her or my ex but again we were all young and dumb. If as an adult now any of my friends were involved with that I’d have serious issues with them. Different morals and different expectations
Lol facts tho , I e seen relationships end because of this . People don’t want to
Risk it
I think the enablers are hilarious because how can you trust that friend won’t go after your so lol “they wouldn’t do that to me because I keep their secrets” like bro their doing it to someone they literally said they’d start some kinda life together with,
Agreed. Cheating shows me you are not a good person who doesn’t care about people’s feelings. It’s even worse when said person is someone that they’re supposed to care about the most and made a commitment to.
If they can’t even be a good person for the one they “love” and live with then 1. I don’t want to be friends with someone who is not a good person 2. I don’t want to be friends with someone who probably wouldn’t give a shit about me either.
remember when Ned fulmer from the try guys cheated as a wife guy with an employee as her boss,
which he has said in videos and it is proven in la a boss cannot have relations with a subordinate cause it's illegal.
SNL did a sketch making fun of his other ex friends that did call him out instead of satirizing ned who deserves it,
it's cause snl has a writer that is ned fulmers friend,
he has friends who enable this behaviour and it turned me so off of SNL i know it's bad anyway but still.
Some of us actually don't care that you got cheated on.
I don't give a shit. I'm not my friend's mom or dad, and the way they treat their relationships is their perogative. I've been cheated on before. It seemingly happens to almost everyone and it hurts but let's stop pretending it's fucking abuse.
If you got cheated on, dump them and move on. Stop crying about it already.
You have no fucking clue what is going in most people’s relationships. Even your close friends. And it only gets worse as you get older and everyone starts settling down and has kids and gets married.
I don’t particularly want to take the blame for causing their divorce and now their kids only see them on weekends but thanks.
Eh. There are different kinds of friends. I think that most people have friends they don't care *that* much about. I don't care what my work friends or party friends do because it's not that deep. But a close friend? Yea, I would tell them to get their shit together.
Cheating isn't a excuse or anything. Its mad wrong i think that in today's society especially with how the culture is its actually encouraging from Hollywood to Music industry it's thrust upon people's daily lives everyday. It's an agenda for sure. But these day's honestly how easy it's to cheat.i don't know why these people just don't stay single and mingle instead go into relationships. I mean look into today's society where kim kardashian is a ROLE model for teen girls and young women, what has she done to be this famous? It's rotten from top down. Where are strong women that's being put forward in the world for positive role models in everyday life? No where to be found.... because it's being projected that way on purpose.
Cheating is disgusting and vilest but i be honest most men will hook up with a women thats willing to cheat.
Yeah I wouldn’t be friends with a cheater either, because if you’re willing to hurt someone like that then what the fuck are you going to do to me? And if your partner can’t trust you then why the hell would I?
I don’t see how you can’t confront people while also remaining to be their friend. That’s helping people, that’s being there for people. To me, that’s the highest moral standard.
Not dropping them like a brick because they did something you don’t agree with…
I would say around 70% of people hang out with "friends" who they know are morally repugnant, for the mere fact that they are accessible and easy to hang out with. Its sad.
I’ll let my friends know that they’re a piece of shit and I don’t support their choice but it’s not my job to go around letting their partners know that they’re cheating. Not my relationship not my problem
But what I will not do is go chum it up and become friends with their spouses because then Id have to tell them. I’d never call someone my friend and then lie to their face about their partner being disloyal
People are flawed. All I can do is voice my concern and move on. I don’t need to end the friendship. Me being friends with them doesn’t make me an enabler. Cutting them out of my life won’t magically make them change.
A lot of people here obviously have little social experience.
If they are willing to treat a significant other that way, what's to stop them from mistreating you? They can and will treat their own friends badly when it is convenient.
Continuing to be friends with a cheater is unethical, but it doesn't automatically make you an enabler. Covering for them, lying for them, etc, are enabling them. Telling your friend that you disapprove and refusing to get involved doesn't make you an enabler. You aren't "enabling" anything if you aren't helping them.
Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
After having told more than one friend about her cheating bf/husband and being told I'm a liar or "trying to break them up" I will forever stay in my lane and.not say shit. People say they hate cheating and it's a deal breaker but then stay, or worse cheat as revenge. I'm done getting involved. People are weird.
I tried once to tell the person being cheated on that they were becoming friends with their bf’s mistress. They ended up becoming bff and the mistress consoled the gf after they broke up 🥲
Yup. I made this comment on a different post but I have lost friends because I told them they cheated. However, (I've never cheated) but at my age of 34, I have known people who have cheated and as much as it is shitty, it isn't as black and white as I used to think. In general, I stay out of it. Tell me what you want, I'll keep it to myself and that's it.
Seriously, I blew the whistle on my buddy’s ex and they both threaten to kill me. As you said, I’ll stay in my lane
I have a friend who confessed that she is sleeping with a married man. Her reason for telling me was because I’m “a married woman “ silly as hell. She felt guilty but said she’ll break it off at the end of the summer (she told me summer ‘22). To be honest I was furious and told her it’s wrong . Our morals don’t add up. And quite frankly we’ve grown a part but that scenario just turned me off more with her. I don’t want to be friends with her, I just can’t shake that off. So I get it OP
Your husband isn't the married man, right?
I think she is implying that her friend was fucking another dude that is not her husband.
I definitely got that, but then I started wondering. Cheating usually happens "closer to home" than we think.
Fair point, I don't understand why however I just hate cheating to an absurd deg- Oh wait nvm I remember now. I guess it does hit clowr to home.
Lol right…duh!
The thing is, when people enter into affairs, it changes who they are. I have a once formerly close friend who began a pretty sordid affair. It consumed her life. She had to lie all the time in order to cover her tracks, and consistently chose her affair partner over my friendship. I began to wonder if she was lying to me too, based on all the other lies she admitted she had to tell to keep the thing going. I lost so much respect for her. I got married during this time and invited her as one last olive branch type of thing. The day before, she texted and said she couldn't make it because she was sick. Of course, this was during the Omicron wave, so it could have been legit, but she'd been using the "I'm sick" excise pre-covid to get out of obligations and I didn't believe her. I just never even responded, and truth be told I didn't want someone who was so willingly able to disregard someone else's marriage to be present at the beginning of mine. That was January 2022 and we haven't spoken since. I miss her friendship, but she chose to blow her life up. I'm not obligated to watch.
Good fucking post, OP. Have any of y'all in the comments ever been friends with a cheater? While they're cheating? I have, twice, and I never will again. In my personal experience, these people definitely \*know\* on some level they're doing something wrong. They want to be enabled. They want the discussion to be about their feelings, not about what they've actually done. In my experience, it's also correlated with a lot of self-centeredness and other toxicity in general. If they're engaging in that kind of behavior, they likely are not thinking about your needs in the friendship, at all. Yeah, my friends' relationships aren't my business... to a point. Cheating and abuse are that point, for me. Edited to add: When it happens, I will tell said friend I strongly do not condone their actions. Usually, it ends up happening that I don't need to take further action, because they estrange/flip out on me.
YES. When someone is in an affair it really does take over their life. They can't be a good friend because they're always sneaking around to make time for their affair partner. They start lying to cover the tracks, and you're not spared. They flake on plans, they don't want to do things with you because that's the one hour their fling has off from work when they can be together without raising any alarm bells, and they don't want to hear any loving truth from their real friends. Being friends with a cheater sucks. It drains your energy for nothing in return. I would never do it again.
Yup. And I'm sure this isn't always the case, but sometimes they want you to validate it or at the very least talk about the messy emotions they're having about it. God, it's so damn draining.
Yes my friend literally said she don’t want me to judge her but she told me anyhow. I’m like “??? Well you know you’re wrong sooooo???” She laughed it off and was like “I knowwwwwwww but my psychic told me don’t let the affair last longer than the summer” so silly. She knew she was wrong she came to me to help validate her feelings.
My favorite is when she'd say in one breath that she knows this is a bad idea, but then slyly smile and talk about how happy she was and how she wasn't really concerned about the future. It was so enraging. Just the lack of accountability and the schoolgirl giddiness she, as a 40 year old woman, was displaying over running around playing footsie made me want to punch her. Each time we hung out, I would be so angry afterwards...and disgusted. These emotions stayed with me for days. But then I realized that *she* didn't feel bad. *She* wasn't having her day ruined by these intense negative emotions. She was having the time of her life and using me to dump all over, then go back to doing it again. That's why I won't do it again. It's not about whether it's my business or not to tell the other people involved. It's about becoming a dumping ground and listening to a person describe their selfish and careless acts, then feeling like you have to comfort them, and your concerns fall on deaf ears. It's about watching the friendship you used to have with this person take a backseat to repeated infidelity that they *know* is wrong but do it anyway, because they're special and in LOVE AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!
> Yeah, my friends' relationships aren't my business... to a point I agree with you. I'm seeing this "what my friends do that doesn't involve me is none of my business and has no impact on our friendship" come up a lot in this thread and it's a garbage argument. Take it to an extreme, I'm not going to stay friends with a murderer, even though it has nothing to do with me. I need to respect the actions of my friends in order to be friends with them. Cheating is something I don't respect, greatly so, so I wouldn't be friends with someone that I don't respect. It's that simple.
I wouldn't care as long as im not being involved in the business i dont want to know anything about that, if im asked i will not lie for a friend
You can be friends with people you've lost respect for. But not always. Probably not often, in fact. It's not so black and white every time though.
I agree, tho I do think there are boundaries to be respected here. I once had a friend who told me he didn’t mind being an alibi as long as he got some warning. I know he was trying to be loyal but still, it shocked me.
I kind of do the same for friends who do hook ups. I agree to lie for them if they provide me with an address and name if I find them back in a gutter. Still, if it’s cheating I would probably be long gone. Of course I would only leave after scolding them. Really, you can hold your friends to high standards. Always.
Hmm. Do you mean they hook up whilst being single? What are they lying for?
Their parents. If they were as much around as they said they are, I wouldn’t be lonely :’)
Respect boundaries of a cheater? Lol that's a funny joke. The moment I found out a friend was cheating they'd lose all my respect and I would never be able to look at them the same
I agree with you there, I personally can't say whether it's my business to tell someone what's going on but if i knew a friend of mine was doing that to their partner I'd lose a load of respect for them and would likely fall out of that friendship because it goes against what my own morals are.
I'm lucky I don't attract shitty ppl so I'll never have to deal with this cuz I'd snitch on them. Cheaters disgust me. My only exception to cheating is if they're being abused
The thread is weird .people justifying their friends actions and saying it's not that big of a deal. I always wondered what their reaction would be if they got cheated on.will they still say it's not that big of a deal?
Lol this thread is garbage. Someone basically said "you must be young because you haven't said 'fuck it' yet" and it has upvotes. Like it's inevitable you'll succumb to cheating. These people are fucked.
Infidelity is another immoral act that soon we will not be allowed to "shame" Married 20 yrs and still faithful here. If one of my friends was a cheating scumbag, he wouldn't be my friend any longer. I
Good on you guys and congratulations. I don't know if it's just an American or Western thing (and it's catching up everywhere else now anyway), but divorce was so common among all my friends' families growing up. And it's crazier now.
My parents are still together. They re pushing close to 50 years. It is definitely rare. We have so many friends whose weddings we attended after ours that are divorced. Edit: thank you very much
It's reddit so probably most of these ppl are cheaters or happily enabling and covering for a cheating friend 💀
Or, and hear me out here, you start out idealistically and then you realize that when you interfere in people’s affairs of the heart they often end up blaming *you* no matter how morally righteous you feel it is. Often the person who was cheated on will call you a liar and say you’re trying to break them up and make your life miserable.
If the options are maintaining integrity or abandoning my morals then I know what I'm picking, regardless of whether it brings some heat down on me. I'm not playing with this whole "do the right thing only when it's easy" thing you've got going on.
[удалено]
I think having some doubt or suspicion over a friends claim that your partner is cheating is normal especially if you never suspected anything. Because there are "friends" who would intentionally try to sabotage a relationship or are mistaken. Personally I would tell my friend I'd take their claims into consideration but I would need to find evidence for myself to validate their claims and make sure.
To me it’s different. Like I’ll tell my friend to their face they’re a piece of shit for it but I don’t think I’d up and just abandon them over something I didn’t know about (assuming the relationship ended because it came out they were cheating already) and if I found out my friend was cheating while they’re still in the relationship I’d give them two options. End it or I will. I don’t condone cheating but my friends relationships have little to do with me.
I have a friend who once cheated on her ex gf. We are still friends, but I didn’t let her get away with it. I sat her down and told her how wrong I thought what she was doing was, and she came clean and accepted the consequences of her actions. She learned, and she grew, and she would not do that again. I wouldn’t have stayed friends with her if she hadn’t changed. But I think you should give people a chance to be better. Obviously this is situation-dependent (in her case there was current abuse and lots of past trauma so I was inclined to give her a bit of slack) but people CAN learn and if you can help them do that, then why not do it?
I would have thought a lot more people thought this was common sense and not an unpopular opinion... Seeing the comment section apparently a lot more people disagree. A lot of people in the comment section that I read especially the 'enablers' as the OP posted never really said anything about being in the position of someone being cheated on which is somewhat odd that I have to point that out. And seems somewhat hypocritical since if you were someone being cheated on and your friend knew you would want to be told. So I guess I agree with the OP, additionally if somehow my friend who cheated didn't fess up, I would send an anonymous chat towards the victim.
*Morals*??? On the *internet*???? I wish I still had optimism like that.
More like I'm just trying to not be hypocritical in my views, it just leaves me churning slightly to be as scummy as the dude who is cheating/an enabler like the original OP said. This is one of the topics I just won't budge about regarding my opinions.
No surprise. Most people care only about themselves.
I would be suspect of any partner of mine who is friends with a cheater. If they think cheating is okay, what would stop them to cheat on me? I personal am no friends with people without moral, I know what it feels like to be cheatet on.
Facts you should also end the relationship tbh
My mate cheated on his ex-gf. I used to tell him I think he's a wanker and he should do the right thing and break up with the poor girl rather than hurt her like that.. Does that mean I'm a arsehole because I'm still his friend but I expressed how I don't appreciate his shitty behaviour?
You are bit of one assuming the girlfriend never knew. If she knows and stays with him it's a bit different.
If the girl knew, the guy wouldn't have called it cheating. And it's pretty safe to assume people don't allow their partners to sleep around, only very small portion of people do that.
I love how unforgiving the Internet has made people. It’s just going to fuck things up even more. Round of applause for ya’ll, you’re doing this to yourselves. Cheating is bad, I’ve been cheated on too a couple of times. But fuck. Life isn’t a movie. We’re all human and go through different phases of life and learn as we go. As you go through more and more experiences in life, you realize how much of yourself there is about your journey and intentions that others will never know or truly understand. You’re also not obligated to tell others EVERY fucking part about yourself, but at the same time the people around you need to also understand this about others and themselves. Now that I’m older and in my 30s, there’s a lot more I understand. Had a totally different mindset and emotional outlook on life in my early teens, mid teens, late teens, early 20s, mid twenties, mid late twenties, late twenties, hell, even 1-2 years ago I thought differently. When you’re young you think you know everything and that all your emotions and life decisions should be set in stone. That’s Bullshit.
The people equating cheating to rape in this thread are just mental. Yes, it's bad, maybe talk to them about it, but get a grip guys people fuck up sometimes.
I agree, I cut off my best friend due to this exact problem. He didn’t see the problem, I did. I confronted him, he didn’t understand why. He said “bros before hoes.” I wasn’t trying to get with her, I just knew it was wrong he was so open and honest about cheating yet didn’t see an issue.
110% agree. I just dropped a friend because she cheated on her husband with a much younger man and is now having said man over every Friday to play dungeons and dragons with her husband and friends. It’s disgusting and I won’t tolerate that kind of behavior. If it’s okay to do it to your spouse then what makes me feel like our friendship is safe?
To be honest, if I was knowingly friends with a cheater, I would try to use my influence with them to get them to end the illicit relationship, if I could, and then to confess to the person they've been cheating on, even if it ends that relationship. I would try to use empathy and support to get them to do the right thing, and to learn and grow and become a better person. Our friends can influence us for good or ill, and we can influence them.
Mhm, my point. Though there are some people who just don’t change. If you can change them, that’s super great
I don't think its a matter of me changing them, so much as me supporting them as they change themselves. If they're not willing to do that, if they're knowingly going around hurting the ones they love, then yeah, that's a perfectly good reason to end a friendship. Why would you even want to be friends with someone disloyal and unfaithful? But people are weak, I'd give them a chance to do better, first. For cheating, anyway. For other things, like rape and murder, I don't think I could look past that.
I can forgive a lot of things, but willful betrayal of trust, especially the kind that couples in a relationship (married or not) require, isn't one of them. If you want to sleep with other people have the basic decency to be up front about it and leave the relationship.
i also thought that this was the common opinion people had, but found out a while ago that its not because this isnt the first time someone has posted it on this sub. i dont try to reason with anyone anymore, since it looks like everyone is pretty happy with their choice about this. and anybody can just be with people with a similar mindset i guess. personally i wouldnt be friends with a cheater, just as i wouldnt be friends with someone who did whatever other bad thing like kicked a homeless person or abused their cat. but i dont really care if you want to be friends with a cheater, just know that you have zero sympathy from me if you get cheated on and dont find out about it until after you have kids because none of your acquaintances told you about it. i feel like most of the people who dont care about it when it happens to someone else, act like once Theyre the victim, everybody else is in the wrong and they should have been treated differently. like ?? you get what you give
Smoking like somebody who actively gets involved with other people's lives. Look man I can barely hold my own shit together I don't have time for other people's bullshit.
Then drop the dramatic friends like the cheaters. They will eventually try to bring you down too.
I am no stranger to situations where my friends have fucked up, where I fucked up, and where I was on the receiving end of someone who fucked up. At first, even though I don't agree with what they do, I thought it's their business first and are adult enough to deal with it and the consequences. But on some occasions I have been scolded for *being an enabler* because, tbf, that's how it looked like even though I kept reminding them and calling them out. I tell myself they're not bad people, just making stupid decisions and are redeemable. But at some point, it becomes exhausting and draining especially when you start to identify yourself with the people they hurt - and it becomes an extra kind of painful because it is your friend in the wrong. Then you just kind of decide to set a boundary. In the end, I think it's important to discern when to be a friend and when to dissociate because they can't/don't want to be helped. Friends are there to remind you or keep you grounded, not solve your problems for you.
There is a difference between lying for someone and simply knowing. I'm not going to lie for you, don't put me in that situation. It's also not my place to run and tell. And where do we draw the line? Is dancing with a person at the club cheating? Accepting a drink? Some people will lose thier shit over that while others won't. I can't be worried about that. But don't expect me to lie for you. Also, good friendships are like family. We love those people in spite of thier flaws. We try to help each other be better people. I may have to distance myself from you for a while if you can't get your shit together, but I'm still here for you. If that makes me an enabler, so be it. Relationships are complex.....
BEING FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO IS RUDE TO WAITRESSES MAKES YOU ALSO RUDE TO WAITRESSES!!!! No, of course not. If I think that my actions might change my friend’s views then I would take those actions, but cutting off people just because they do something immoral is counter productive. If I cut off my friend who cheats on his girlfriend he’s still going to cheat on his girlfriend, but now he won’t have someone trying to convince him it’s wrong. Also, just because he does one bad thing doesn’t mean he’s all bad. He could be a great guy that just has a problem.
The real question is, if I have one friend who is amazingly nice to wait staff and another who is horrible to waitstaff… do I cease to exist?
Cease?? did you ever exist at all?
I highly doubt that someone who is consistently horrible to waiters is onltly mean to this soecific group of people and is complete angel to everyone else
It isn't counterproductive. My life immediately became better after dropping a friend who treated others badly and wanted to drag people into her bad decisions by trying to make people be her enablers. And her life has completely unraveled since. Nobody is willing to be at her side anymore and help her. All her decisions have caught up to her, and now she has hit rock bottom. Nobody is being hurt by her anymore. Her current place in life is where she deserves to be.
>BEING FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO IS RUDE TO WAITRESSES MAKES YOU ALSO RUDE TO WAITRESSES!!!! That is not what they said, it's like if you remain friends with a rapist, doesn't make you a rapist, does mean you don't think rape is a deal breaker.
But being friends with someone who is not a good person (rude in this example), means on some level you are fine with the behavior. You are who you spend time with. The older I get (late 30s) the more I realize how much other people don’t “want to get involved”. But if you had ever been on the receiving end of a bad person, and people who you thought were friends and family excusing their behavior, I think people would feel differently. Unfortunately, I have been there. But when I was a child and the person was a church leader and groomer. No one stood up for me in the church. No one wanted to get involved even knowing what this man was capable of and eventually raped another young girl (and had a history of rape). Only the investigators were sympathetic. I think often how many bad things could be prevented if people doing bad things felt shame by the group instead of indifference to their bad behavior. In cases of cheating I would never be friends with a cheater(and they obviously weren’t sorry). They obviously have no empathy and loyalty means nothing to them. Why would you be friends with someone who would throw you under the bus if it meant they got what they wanted or it saved their skin? Who needs enemies when you have friends of that character?
People think being friends with a shitty person is not a big deal because “they don’t condone their actions”. Well, you kinda do because in the end this shitty person is not facing any consequences because people are still willing to be with them. And shitty people don’t limit themselves to one shit action, their friends will eventually get burned too because, surprise! They are shitty as a whole!
Agreed with the not facing consequences thing. My soon to be ex wife used to brag to her friends about cheating. Not a single one of them told her that's fucked up. None stopped being her friend. They all just silently condoned it. Sometimes not so silently. If I cheated, I'd lose pretty much all my friends and they would've told my wife if I had kept doing it and showed no remorse. I feel every single one of her friends are pieces of shit
The fact that people think it’s okay to not tell the cheated partner because “it’s not their business” let’s on on how trash they are. You are willingly watching someone be hurt and deceived just because you don’t want to put yourself on a slightly uncomfortable situation. Cheating has SA vibes too because a person is giving their consent on a sexual situation without having the full information, they are being deceived to have sex. They also didn’t consent to potentially be exposed to STD.
Even if you don't tell the cheated partner, if you just accept it and laugh about it and still remain friends, you're sla straight piece of shit
maybe i’m crazy but i genuinely wouldn’t be friends with someone who is rude to waitstaff lmao idk if that’s meant to be a gotchu?
Right? Like indifferent, not polite enough? The fact that I say thank you constantly sort of shames them into the same. But are we talking rude like actually saying mean things? As a regular practice? I'm not hanging out with someone who is regularly rude to people.
yea when i hear rude i assume treating them like shit on a regular basis like why tf would i be friends with someone like that lol being mildly cold or indifferent is one thing but actively rude all the time? hell no
It's not necessarily your business unless you're involved in some manner, no, but going to dinner with a friend who is rude to servers and not addressing it if it is done in front of you does make you also rude to servers, though. Likewise, if you are friends with both halves of a couple and remain friends with both halves of a couple if you learn about one half's infidelity, you are a party to the situation. By doing or saying nothing about the situation that you are a party to, you are enabling the behavior.
No they didn't say that being friends with a cheater MAKES you a cheater. They said it means you are an enabler of that behaviour. Same with your example. If I had a friend who was disrespectful to waiters/waitresses and any staff in any public place, I'm enabling them to continue doing so unless I...you know...like a decent person, tell them what's wrong with what they're doing.
It's literally on their third paragraph in the last line, they do say it.
It's not counterproductive, quite the opposite, actually. If you keep losing friends due to a terrible trait you have, you're a lot more likely to try to change that trait, than if all of your friends just ignore this terrible quality about you. People tend to only change when they need to. If i can engage in nasty behavior and not lose anything, why would i stop that behavior?
Lol OP made all the cheaters/cheater sympathizers mad, how pathetic of them. 🍿
the amount of people cool with their friends cheating is WILD
The only people who sympathize with cheaters are people have cheated cheaters/cheater sympathizers are the same people. Or at the very least people who are extremely tempted to cheat.
That's a ridiculous generalization.
Not really. I can't think of why anyone would sympathize with a such a terrible thing unless like I said 1. They've done it or 2. They've considered doing it.
If I agreed with everything my friends did, I wouldn't have any friends.
Surely there is nuance to be found between: “agree with my friends on everything” and “cut a friend off for cheating”. Like. You wouldn’t stay friends with a rapist, right? You would stay friends with someone who made a social mistake once every blue moon, right? There clearly is a line, OP is just showing us one place they draw their line. Saying you can’t agree on EVERY issue with your friends so therefore no issue is a friendship dealbreaker is clearly fucking stupid.
Dense af lol. Obviously no one agrees on everything but you also wouldn't have any friends if you disagreed with everything they did. There's a balance and a limit. You're not supposed to condon everything your friends do and you're also not supposed to disagree with everything either hence a middle ground. Cheating is universally considered shitty. Being friends with one doesn't look good on you and ppl would have every right to judge you and your cheating friend lmao
THIS!!! I swear some of the people in this thread are trying so hard to take op's post to the extreme as if it's a gotcha somehow. I mean no shit obviously I don't agree with everything my friends did/do but fuck yes would I draw the line at cheating.
Finally... a response from an adult.
THANK YOU! Jesus. These fresh faced kids with their ultimatums and moral high grounds have no life experience. How many of us/our friends are completely different people at 40 than at 20? We're all just living on this spinning planet trying to make it work. People make mistakes, they learn, they grow, we move on.
I know people who are friends with the cheater but still expect me to be cool with them, and think there's maybe "two sides to the story" or some shit. Same with abusers.
In the past when there was a situation like this, my friends and I spoke to the person about it. Basically: cheating is not ok. "Either break up with your girlfriend now, or stop pursuing this other girl/stop cheating." Or when the cheating went too far already: "tell your boyfriend that you cheated" (different person). I wouldn't end my friendship if one of my friends really cheated now., That's too extreme. You want the best for your friends, and you can help them with that.
I am beginning to hate this morality faction shit.
I WON'T break friendships over someone cheating.
If both parties were mature, the friendship wouldn’t end. “Hey man you need to stop cheating.” “Oh yeah you’re probably right.” And they carry on…
Indeed!
Not at all. My friends have been there for me when I was suicidal. They can break every relationship they ever have and I will love them.
Indeed. They helped you when you walked the dark path of suicide, and you can help them when they venture into cheating.
You can say it's wrong and still be friends with them lmao. Calling your friends out is part of the course. If they don't get better then it's your choice if you want to be friends with them or not, but saying it makes you an "EnAbLeR" by being friends with a cheater is ludicrous. Also, I'm so tired of these buzzwords that are meant to make others feel bad. Stupid
I told a friend of 20+ years that I did not condone her cheating on her husband. That was almost 4 years ago. Haven't spoken to her since.
[удалено]
Firm agree. Not only would I tell them off, I'd also make their partner aware, and more than likely cut ties, unless or until they showed proper remorse and change. Cheating is one of the purest moral wrongs in a relationship. It's makes someone a bad person and until they can fix that, I can't be friends with them.
It is far better to be alone than in bad company.
Right??
Fuck the haters, we are right. "Its not my buisness" maybe it isn't, but why would I want to be friends with someone so fucking degenerate. Of they'd do that to the person they are meant to love the most, what would they do to me. From a compassionate or purely self interested lens, it seems stupid to be friends with a person who is a cheater.
You are right because you agree with yourselves?
2 x 1 = 2
In my friend group the general consensus is that if someone would cheat, we would tell their partner.
We dropped a guy from our group nearly 15 years ago. The girl he cheated on took his place. I would make that trade again any day.
Seeing some folks in these comments making it real clear they're fine with enabling shitty behavior. You just know they're hypocrites too. They'd down for letting their friends cheat, but would be upset if they were being cheated on and their "friends" said nothing. Edit: Got it. Apparently, cheating isn't a bad thing according to users here and you all would be fine with being cheated on and your friends simply not telling you.
Yeah. If I change the word “cheater” with “abuser”, I wonder if their opinion would change
"Gee I wonder if I changed littering to murder would people change their minds?" 🤔
Anyone who says cheating isn’t bad has scrambled eggs for a brain or they’re big time cheaters themselves. Shitty people won’t admit to being shitty.
yeah i noticed anytime cheating becomes a big thing a bunch of people come out and defend it lol
Birds of a feather flock together…while I won’t tell their SO, I’ll distance myself from that friendship until it’s no longer..I get that some ppl make mistakes but it’s a character flaw that I’d rather not have in my life. To all the ppl trying to defend it, it speaks volumes about YOU
You are right. I despise cheaters, I don´t want a friend like that.
I don’t want to be friends with a cheater simply because their moral compass does not align with mine.
Without reading to far into this I agree. I'll never trust them or respect them.
I don’t agree that being friends with an immoral person makes you guilty of the same moral crimes. I think it makes you have some internal dissonance with morals but my partner cheating is much worse than my partner knowing and friending a cheater.
I think this is tough, as someone who has had trouble setting boundaries with “friends” that do not respect me nor value my time. I’ve come to the realization that the ones that have been cheaters or the affair partner have constantly demonstrated their selfishness by putting me aside, dumping this kind of information in past tense with intentions of changing themselves, cue me talking with them that they should actually do what’s best either come clean or own up and end it, stop hurting others and stop pretending their feign innocence. Sadly, past tense did not come with guilt from them, they keep pursuing people they know they’d want to cheat with, break their relationships or other shit. And I’ve realized keeping my distance and starting to focus on better relationships and same minded people is the only thing to get me out of this mental gutter of mental gymnastics after trying to “hear them out” but in the end it’s nothing more than some convoluted way to speak of themselves and how important they must be to everyone. So yeah, I don’t think we should keep friends with cheaters, I do think people can change but it requires help and actual value to their actions to show they have changed. Otherwise it’s only keeping a snake ready to bite you free of its cage in your inner circle.
I think I agree. Cheating isn’t some mundane no big deal type of thing. It’s a really fucked up thing to do. If you’re friends with a cheater then that all means you’re not a good person.
That’s why I’ve distanced myself from my childhood best friend. She loved the cheating, and would cheat on every guy she was with, but when I suggested she go ahead and ask for open relationships with anyone she planned on dating, she’d say ‘but it would break my heart to have them sleeping with other people’. Ugh. No. I have warned the few guys who asked me about her since I drew back, because yes, she’s absolutely, stunningly hot. She’s really cool, and is a good girlfriend in other ways if you don’t mind the constant cheating. Some guys will put up with that in order to have a trophy girl on their arm. I just think that they should know ahead of time so they can make an informed choice.
As they say, shit sticks together
I kind of agree, maybe not in the same way 100%, but I do believe that you are who you hang out with I personally, won’t be friends with someone like that. In fact, I’ve dropped friends over it. And if nothing else, it tells me that you’re not only willing to be complicit with someone’s bad behavior, but it also tells you they can’t be trusted Sure; we can get into a discussion all damn day about “iF yOu cAnT tRuSt yOuR pArTnEr” but, would you introduce your boyfriend to a friend like this? No. Would I invite them to a wedding? No. Because we can talk shit online, but in real life, cheaters don’t have friends. They really don’t.
It absolutely does. You’re saying to the world that you condone / don’t mind cheating.
OP I 100% agree with you lol. You are the company you keep. If someone is hanging around shitty people then they're probably equally as shitty or an enabling follower with no back bone to ditch bad company. Hanging around bad influences will always reflect poorly on someone's credibility or reputation it's just common sense we literally judge politicians and celebrities for this. Not sure why this wouldn't apply to regular non famous people.
I wouldn’t want to be friends with a cheater either. If they can deceive someone they love like that, who knows what they will do to you, as a friend
I want you to go ahead and look up the statistics of how many people cheat and realize how infeasible your argument, as well as the fact that other people’s relationships are not yours to run, it’s quite frankly none of your business.
[удалено]
I don't know about the "enabling" part of OP's post, but I get where he's coming from in the scorn sense when it comes to cheaters in particular. There are different levels of people sucking, but cheating on their significant other has to be in the top 10, at least. My take on associating with cheaters is this: If someone is willing to betray and lie to the person they're supposed to love the most, be the most invested in and have the most respect for how could I possibly ever trust that he or she isn't doing the same to me, a mere friend?
You make a good point
I will distance myself from a person that is actively cheating, and if they want to talk about it, we will talk, but I won’t candy coat or walk on eggshells and pretend I’m okay with it. If they’re apologetic and take responsibility and accountability for their actions, fine, but if that’s the life style they want to live, I’m not gonna hang around to watch. It’s not all black and white, but it all comes down to how the issue gets resolved.
If someone cheats on their partner, it’s a sign that you can’t trust this person. If they are shitty enough to betray a person with whom they have a family (or in a process of having), what makes you think that you are above of being f$cked over? If any of my friends would be cheating on their partners, I would cut off all the ties with them.
All these people defending that it's not a big deal been friends with cheaters . If they are willing to cheat on their partner what guarantees that they will not betray u or do the same .
Well, 1.) It isn't a guaranatee even if they didn't cheat and 2.) This time, you just happen to know about it. Makes no difference even if you didn't know Betreyal isn't something to consider because it doesn't matter here
So I'm supposed to destroy my relationship with my friend because she decides to step out of her relationship what the f*** does that have to do with me I didn't tell her to cheat. I'm not giving her excuses at the end of the day she's a grown ass woman she can do what she want she has to make her own choices
I always try to talk sense into people close to me when they do bad things, but at the end of the day, if my best friend cheats, that doesn't have anything to do with our friendship, that is a dynamic and relationship with another person, whom I most certainly do not know that well, and would never choose over my friend and frankly, do not care about as much as my friend. All I can tell them is that I disapprove. If I were to cut off everyone who did something like that, I would have nobody. Cheating is extremely common to the point where a good chunk of people I know have done it at some point in their life, and regretted it. It is certainly not as bad as killing someone or raping someone. It is not as destructive to their mental health as doing drugs. I am a human who loves certain people more than others, and I am not gonna cut off my friend for cheating on their partner who I really do not love or care about. While I don't condone their behavior, they are an adult, that is their relationship with another adult, and that has nothing to do with our relationship. If someone cheated on me, of course, I would expect their friends and family to be upset with them, but cutting them off just because they cheated on me would be messed up. While it would make me depressed and would mess up my self esteem, I don't view it as an evil or mentally destructive thing for that person. It is a bad and deceptive thing to do, but I cannot stop people from loving them or them from loving other people.
Nah, I hold friends accountable. I’ve lost decade long friends over crap like this. As someone who has been cheated on and hated the feeling… I couldn’t stand by someone knowing they’re putting someone else through that. No matter how close we are.
Bro there's hella dirtbags with ZERO morals in this thread, Lord Almighty 💀
Somebody has been cheated on and just learned the word enabler.
I agree to an extent I guess? It really depends tho, if my friend cheated, felt no remorse over it and kept doing it then yeah, I'd dip probably. But if they just cheated and regretted it afterwards I might still be friends with them, but just look at them differently. However tho, if I'm not close friends with the person getting cheated on then sorry but this isn't my business. I have no energy getting into my friends relationship drama and I wouldnt want them to get all up in my relationship business too unless I consented to it. Everything I just said is something I'd expect if I was being cheated on. I'd get if my bf's friend wouldnt tell me however I'd appreciate knowing that from our mutual close friends. Also, while I agree you should be honest with your friends and let them know when they are doing something wrong, it is still not my responsibility if they're still shitty people
A friend of mine cheated on his girl while he was under the influence. My other friend and I bullied him for it because that was so stupid. The girl was hitting on him the whole party and he is like "huh, anyway" and gets drunk and high. He sleeps with her TWICE. We convince him to tell his girlfriend who stays with him long enough to cheat on him with her ex. Bunch of idiots
So, about 15 years ago I had a friend that would cheat on his long term girlfriend. I had hung out with them for years and she was a very nice person. He would cheat on her habitually and this one night he and I had gone to a party and we rode together. We are there a few hours, he is talking to other girls and I find a girl to chat with. He finds out his gf is coming and decides he wants to leave immediately. He was my ride but I was talking to this girl and it was going great. I decide to stay, his gf arrives as he is leaving and they get into a huge fight outside. He leave, she is crying in the street, literally. I go outside to comfort her and she begs me for 15 minutes to tell her if he is cheating on her because she has suspicions. I cave, tell her about it, she loses it even more. She gives me a ride home and I talk talk to her a bit more and she calms down. The next day my friend calls me angry as hell that he can’t believe I told her.. he calls later and has her on 3 way and wants me to say I lied about it all! Hahaha! I say yea right and pretty much hang up after explaining why would I lie and especially lie under pressure? The girl I had been dating actually stopped talking to me because she said I shouldn’t have said anything. Whatever. I was tipsy and tired of covering for him. Don’t enable people to be a cheater. It isn’t right whatsoever.
I’ve witnessed it first hand many many times but never with a close friend. My stance is if this is one of my personal good friends, hell ya I’m saying something. But if it’s just a random person or someone I barely know, nope ain’t worth it.
I'm also surprised that this is such an unpopular opinion... I get that if you have a really close friendship with someone who ends up cheating, you would give them multiple chances and try to be there for them (bc honestly they're probably going through something too). But after a while doing nothing becomes a tacit endorsement. When I was 22 I caught a friend of mine cheating on his girlfriend and I told her about it. All of my friends thought I was crazy for it, which was a good sign that I needed new friends.
My ex and her friends might as well have been a little shit c**t army the way they all covered her lies and treated me none the wiser.
Agreed op
If I had a friend whom was cheating and claimed to be of the same religion as me, I may well estrange myself from him or her for at least a time. If he or she is not the same religion, I would not expect any different. I am a Christian, by the way, and I definitely send in my own ways. That said, the Scriptures are clear that we are not engage with someone whom claims to be a believer and lives extremely counter to that.
There was this guy whom I have a mutual friend w/ that enabled him 2 cheat on his partner. This guy wanted me as a fwb, yet my friend still wants 2 hang w/ him ugh.
Yeah I would lose respect for them.
I've said my peace, they dont want to change, their cheating has no impact on my relationship with them. I'd also be throwing away multiple friends or I'd have to convince everyone to view things similarly and excommunicate them.
I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that tbh. Like at the end of the day it’s there choice to cheat- doesn’t effect me- but at the same time that means they hold different values and I have no interest in socializing with people like that.
My ex friend cheated on my cousin Ruined my friendship with them, because i wasnt willing to remain friends. Also ruined my relationship with my cousin because i told him, but not soon enough apparently… i waited a week for her to tell him herself
If one of my friends told me they were cheating on their person we’d be done. I guess it did actually happen once - found out a “friend” at work was sleeping around on work trips - I lost all respect for him and basically stopped talking to him other than work things. Haven’t talked to him once since he left the company - he has a wife and two kids - fuck him.
I am not friends with anyone that has cheated (or at least none that I know of). My dad was an unrepentant serial cheater, and that largely contributed to our estrangement. From an intellectual perspective, I think there is a different conversation of being friends with a serial cheater v. a person who confides a one time mistake after the fact. In the first instance, you’re an enabler. In the second, you could be a source of support and help the person deal with whatever issues that created the situation in the first place. Personally, I don’t view that as being enabling, but helping your friend improve. Like most things, there is probably some nuance in a lot of situations.
If you’re staying to help them improve, then I don’t think you’re enabling them. I’d respect that. I agree with your point. I guess I just haven’t made my post clear enough to say that I was referring to serial cheaters or cheaters who think they didn’t do anything wrong
Meh idk I’m my 35 years I’ve sadly known a lot of cheaters from all walks of life. Family, friends, friends of friends. My husbands two Best friends from childhood/college have cheated. Three of my best friends have cheated and another semi emotionally cheated. I know i won’t cheat and I trust my husband not to. But I would have to disown my parents and a lot of other family. Just not worth getting all up in arms about if it’s not my business.
i super agree! i won't be able to look at my friend the same way
It’s easy to be an enabler if they’re arrogant enough to think they’re immune from getting cheated on. But if it ever happens to them, then everyone who kept the secret would be a huge asshole in their eyes.
I get it. I always tell my friends if they're being shitty and I expect them to care. In high school my very best friend was a serial cheater. She'd lead guys on as well, for as long as it took to keep giving her attention without getting their hopes up *too* much. I eventually had enough when she cheated on a mutual friend who'd been in love with her for years. The guy was definitely a pushover about her but he was a kind, genuine person. I distanced myself from her until we just stopped talking. Making a mistake once or twice and being remorseful is one thing, but hurting people over and over because you refuse to understand you need to get your shit together... Not acceptable
when it comes to immoral behavior definitely. I dont understand that either. Its immoral to be friends with someone whos immoral
When I was 18, fresh out of high school, I started working in a factory part time. I made friends with this guy who was in his 30s (it was purely platonic, nothing shady). Well, a new lady started working there and apparently she and my friend started hooking up. Both of them were married with kids. I was uncomfortable about the whole situation. Especially since i worked next to both of them like, 3x a week. Any time my friend tried to bring it up, I'd tell him it was wrong and I didn't want to hear about it. I didn't know his family and we only talked here and there outside of work. It caused a lot of drama on the assembly line. Especially since the lady was a shit stirrer. She ended up causing a divide in the line workers, creating an "us and them" between the two groups. Being as young and fresh as i was, i found it all entertaining. I thought the drama was "fun" but I think it was mostly because I was on the outside edge. It didn't impact me outside of work so I didn't really care. They eventually broke up and, iirc, he told his wife. He got mental health help because, supposedly it had something to do with him being depressed. I'm not sure exactly as I can't recall 100%. He and his wife stayed together under the condition of an open phone policy and no contact with the lady. The wife also got a job at the factory in a different area. It was a decent sized factory but we would see her sometimes. She was a nice woman. At the time, i thought it was weird and controlling but, again, i was 18 and didn't know much of anything. Looking back, its kind of wild to think about. Other than that blip, I loved my factory job. I only left because I ended up moving 40 minutes away. The affair lady left the factory for some reason or another. I can't recall exactly. But after she left, a lot, if not all, the drama stopped. The us and them stopped and the line basically became a big group that worked together. It was a lot better and a lot more fun. I think, had it been a friend outside of work, it would have been a lot different. I do know I'd lost a lot of respect for my friend as a person but of course I couldn't rock the boat. I worked with him and i didn't know his wife or kids. *Edit paragraph order*
I have to agree I knew a guy that was doing this and he had a gf he thought was cheating on him as well (of course she was) but he was always upset about it and acted like he was bothered by it yet he was doing the same , we were friends for a while (he wasn't good people but I was in a bad place myself at the time I have since learned to be a better person and surround myself with better people) I can understand being worried and upset by the thought of the person you are with cheating but at the same time wtf you're doing it. I should have been a better person at the time and either said or did something to help the girl out but no surprise she wasn't good people either so I wasn't sure what to do and ended up not doing anything. However there was a night while I was at this friends house and we were all drinking and having a good time when the gf in question hinted that she was into me and because I was also drunk I couldn't pass up the opportunity that had just been offered to me and we kissed unfortunately. The ex-friend doesn't know about the other stuff that we did but it's gonna stay that way since he definitely did find out about the kiss and we obviously stopped being friends after that he was super pissed and rightfully so but she had been cheating on him with someone else for a while and that same person ended up getting her pregnant it was a massive mess the whole time and was made even worse when everything came out. To this day I still can't believe I ended up in a situation like that crazy.
Lost respect for a girl I started dating cause she lived with a girl that openly slept with only married men. Couldn’t live with that myself. Married men regularly walking out your front door back to their families and she’s proud of it. And you can live with it? Soz, I’m out.
Ya, I’m quick to point it out if my friends fuck up. Depending on their reaction, that gives me my answer if we should stay friends or not. Recently had to have a sit down talk with my friend (who has a partner) because she started making out with another girl right in front of us. The next day, invited me to her partners birthday party… I couldn’t bare to sit there and smile knowing what happened so I didn’t go to the party. A couple days later, Sat my friend down to address what happened, and learned that they’re consensually open! So it all worked out & we’re still friends. Moral of the story is stand up for what u believe in & ask questions !!! Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding, sometimes it gives u the green light to let them go!
I agree. I was out clubbing with my best friend (J) when I saw a text from a mutual friends husband (AH). I confronted J and she said they were separated. I text out mutual friend (K) and asked where her husband was. She said he was lying next to her in bed. I told J what was going on. Told K what was going on (she was pregnant with their second child btw). J, my best friend, actually BECAME my best friend because she told me the person I was dating at the time had drunkenly confessed to cheating on me. I knew it, but could never get her to admit it. I just needed the truth. I can’t tolerate deception. I don’t like lying or being lied to, and that dislike extends to not accepting the lies others live and push onto people they “love.” I’ve cheated and been cheated on. I regret having been a coward to cheat when I just didn’t know how to end a relationship.
I have no desire to be friends with someone who admittedly behaves like this. This is also probably why I have no friends. If my friend or aquaintance was a cheater or a mistress I would advise them to come clean and if they are gonna stay in denial I would try to have as little contact as possible with them. I don’t wanna be associated with that or around that negative energy. It brings me down.
I'm going to continue to mind my own business. I'm not judge, jury, and executioner and I'm not perfect either. People make mistakes. It's not my business. I see absolutely no reason to get on my high horse and drop contact with someone I love over a situation that has nothing to do with me. Consenting adults make a choice and it's their lives, not mine. What kind of friend drops someone over this? Good, true friends stick by each other and don't judge.
hm i see where you are coming from but what you are saying just doesn’t accomplish anything. I have been cheated on before very ruthlessly, and I do not cheat nor support cheating; yet I am good friends with a married man in the army. he’s in a foreign country while his wife is on the other side of the world and he lives every weekend like the freest most single man. am i less of a friend because i listen and try my best to be unjudgemental when he tells me about how he cheated yet again? no i don’t think so. we have had many conversations about his wife, and yet there is just no logic behind why he cheats. if i criticize, i know he will continue to do it and just not confide in me anymore, and then if that happens who will be there to tell him to calm down when things really begin to get out of hand? cutting off a relationship with a person really never accomplishes what is intended, may even cause the opposite effect. In this case: more cheating by the cheater now that they have lost a friend to confide in.
I disagree, I'm not responsible for what my friends do in their free-time. Their personal life behind closed doors is not my concern.
Honestly as adults I agree. As teens I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. I was cheated on as a teen and I have always said that we were young and dumb and that’s why it doesn’t matter to me anymore. Of course it left me with some trust issues however I don’t hold it against him and as long as he isn’t still doing that then I truly think he’s a good guy. We haven’t spoken in years but I wish the best. My best friend as a teen cheated on her boyfriend. It was a long time ago and she’s not that person anymore. I’m not defending her or my ex but again we were all young and dumb. If as an adult now any of my friends were involved with that I’d have serious issues with them. Different morals and different expectations
Lol facts tho , I e seen relationships end because of this . People don’t want to Risk it I think the enablers are hilarious because how can you trust that friend won’t go after your so lol “they wouldn’t do that to me because I keep their secrets” like bro their doing it to someone they literally said they’d start some kinda life together with,
Agreed. Cheating shows me you are not a good person who doesn’t care about people’s feelings. It’s even worse when said person is someone that they’re supposed to care about the most and made a commitment to. If they can’t even be a good person for the one they “love” and live with then 1. I don’t want to be friends with someone who is not a good person 2. I don’t want to be friends with someone who probably wouldn’t give a shit about me either.
The same goes for being friends with a bully or a snob... eventually their sociopathic tendencies will be yours to deal with.
remember when Ned fulmer from the try guys cheated as a wife guy with an employee as her boss, which he has said in videos and it is proven in la a boss cannot have relations with a subordinate cause it's illegal. SNL did a sketch making fun of his other ex friends that did call him out instead of satirizing ned who deserves it, it's cause snl has a writer that is ned fulmers friend, he has friends who enable this behaviour and it turned me so off of SNL i know it's bad anyway but still.
Some of us actually don't care that you got cheated on. I don't give a shit. I'm not my friend's mom or dad, and the way they treat their relationships is their perogative. I've been cheated on before. It seemingly happens to almost everyone and it hurts but let's stop pretending it's fucking abuse. If you got cheated on, dump them and move on. Stop crying about it already.
If you don't care about what happens to your friends, you aren't a very good friend.
You have no fucking clue what is going in most people’s relationships. Even your close friends. And it only gets worse as you get older and everyone starts settling down and has kids and gets married. I don’t particularly want to take the blame for causing their divorce and now their kids only see them on weekends but thanks.
Only weaklings consider cheating to be some crime against humanity. Your hurt feefees are not the end of the world
Says the guy who’d cry over being left for a better option 😂
OP def was cheated on and blames their friend
Eh. There are different kinds of friends. I think that most people have friends they don't care *that* much about. I don't care what my work friends or party friends do because it's not that deep. But a close friend? Yea, I would tell them to get their shit together.
[удалено]
Have you been cheated on? Or was the cheater?
[удалено]
So many excuses to try and justify cheating. You might be a cheater yourself.
Who you keep around, that’s a big reflection
Cheating isn't a excuse or anything. Its mad wrong i think that in today's society especially with how the culture is its actually encouraging from Hollywood to Music industry it's thrust upon people's daily lives everyday. It's an agenda for sure. But these day's honestly how easy it's to cheat.i don't know why these people just don't stay single and mingle instead go into relationships. I mean look into today's society where kim kardashian is a ROLE model for teen girls and young women, what has she done to be this famous? It's rotten from top down. Where are strong women that's being put forward in the world for positive role models in everyday life? No where to be found.... because it's being projected that way on purpose. Cheating is disgusting and vilest but i be honest most men will hook up with a women thats willing to cheat.
You are who you hang around
Yeah I wouldn’t be friends with a cheater either, because if you’re willing to hurt someone like that then what the fuck are you going to do to me? And if your partner can’t trust you then why the hell would I?
Its shitty to let that happen to anyone. I wouldnt enable my own brother to do that.
I don’t see how you can’t confront people while also remaining to be their friend. That’s helping people, that’s being there for people. To me, that’s the highest moral standard. Not dropping them like a brick because they did something you don’t agree with…
I would say around 70% of people hang out with "friends" who they know are morally repugnant, for the mere fact that they are accessible and easy to hang out with. Its sad.
ones who cheat in a relationship is mostly untrusty and selfish humans being
I’ll let my friends know that they’re a piece of shit and I don’t support their choice but it’s not my job to go around letting their partners know that they’re cheating. Not my relationship not my problem But what I will not do is go chum it up and become friends with their spouses because then Id have to tell them. I’d never call someone my friend and then lie to their face about their partner being disloyal
People are flawed. All I can do is voice my concern and move on. I don’t need to end the friendship. Me being friends with them doesn’t make me an enabler. Cutting them out of my life won’t magically make them change.
A lot of people here obviously have little social experience. If they are willing to treat a significant other that way, what's to stop them from mistreating you? They can and will treat their own friends badly when it is convenient.
Continuing to be friends with a cheater is unethical, but it doesn't automatically make you an enabler. Covering for them, lying for them, etc, are enabling them. Telling your friend that you disapprove and refusing to get involved doesn't make you an enabler. You aren't "enabling" anything if you aren't helping them.