This is my second marriage, my children are grown, I did the whole building a family thing.
FH does not have nor want children of his own, but he has a great relationship with mine.
Our reasons for getting married are frankly, we’re getting older. We would be perfectly content to just live together the rest of our lives, but marriage guarantees us some decision making for the other, in case of a serious illness/injury, rights to visit each other, access to the other’s retirement accounts, and so forth. We each want to be able to financially, medically, and legally care for the other.
This is exactly my situation, right down to my child being grown (he's in college but lives at home still) and my husband not wanting or having children of his own. We've been together over a decade and own a home, etc. We got married for very practical reasons related to getting older.
When I was little, I had no idea of what marriage meant beyond a wedding and the "go signal" to make babies. Simplistic, but made sense for the time. As I reflect on my own marriage, I realized that there are two sides to it for me:
- The legal stuff. Next of kin, hospital privileges, medical decisions, tax benefits, visa support when you're abroad. Whatever. This could be solved with legal documentation, and we don't have a significant tax break anyway.
- The emotional stuff. It's a promise to weather the tough stuff together, even when it feels more convenient not to. Not that a boyfriend/girlfriend pair can't do that, but marriage changes the way you think about your relationship, and that mental change from "I could leave" -> "we're really in this" is where the magic is. I no longer think "I don't like this, maybe I should end it," but rather "I don't like this, let's talk about how to fix it."
As of 16 days ago, you had a husband, so maybe it sounds like you need to think less about what marriage means more generally (and to unmarried people, who are most likely to be on this sub), and what YOUR marriage means to YOU. If you're curious, that's one thing, but if you're actually questioning whether or not the things you dropped have left enough positives for you to stay (this is the vibe I'm getting, I'm sorry if I'm off), perhaps a therapist would be the best place to start. Good luck!
It is just something I am curious about. To clarify about myself, I CALL my spouse my husband. We are not actually married. We have been together for 14 years. We have a 10 year old kid together. I guess I always say husband because I am kinda embarrassed after all these years to say boyfriend, that just sounds wrong in context of our relationship.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Many places in the world (US included) put a REALLY high value on being married, to the point where the converse is true-- couples who are unmarried don't have the same respect or rights. Meanwhile, in many countries in Europe where legal marriage benefits just kick in after you've lived together for a certain amount of time, things are different.
If the title is irking you, maybe consider just using "partner," but whether it's "husband" or husband, no rando is gonna ask to see a marriage certificate. If you and your partner are committed and in it without being married, and the legal stuff is buttoned up in a way that makes sense for you (there are cases where being unmarried will have more benefits), then call your partner what you want and leave it at that. But again, if having a marriage certificate would change things in your mind, then that's also valid.
Imo, marriage should not change anything about the commitment level. It's not a promise to start doing or being something from the moment the ink dries, but a promise to continue doing what you're doing.
> I CALL my spouse my husband. We are not actually married.
I'm confused about this statement. If he is your spouse he is your husband. The words are synonyms.
The opposite: My reasoning from when I was younger just grew.
My mom always preached that "brides these days want a $20,000 wedding and then the marriage doesn't even last a year." She was huge into wedding vows and what they meant. Granted if someone in our lives is abused and/or in a bad situation, she advocates for divorce. But when she hears about something like cheating, she says, "some people make those vows and think they just apply when they want them to."
At a wedding when I was 19, a friend of the bride who recently divorced told me that after her ex-husband was in an accident that left him unable to walk (maybe paralyzed?), she just couldn't be limited to that, so the marriage didn't work. She said it so casually, like deciding the color of your curtains don't work the way you hoped they would with the walls.
I never forgot it. I dated a few guys seriously and DREAMED of my wedding to them. But I always just felt "too young," or "not ready," and then it wouldn't work out.
Two years ago I had to have a major surgery. My then-boyfriend was there with me and for me in such amazing ways, without coddling me. My mom even asked when we were getting married because we're "already doing in sickness and in health." Last summer after he proposed, my best friend's husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. They'd come close to divorce the summer before for other reasons entirely, but they kept coming back to "those vows," and became stronger than ever.
At the same time, ANOTHER friend found out his cancer spread literally everywhere after the umpteenth treatment and two years of fighting. I was at his and his wife's wedding in 2018 ... she'd called off another wedding years ago, and these two ... they were made for each other. Every cancer treatment. Every appointment. Way too young, definitely younger than 40. They fought together and for each other.
So anyway, my best friend's husband recovered and they're still recovering mentally together. My other friend died 5 weeks before my wedding. Everyone at his funeral talked about him finding his person, his wife. After the funeral, my now-husband who couldn't come called to warn me about a storm he saw on the radar because he was just checking the radar on my trip's path for funsies. My Episcopalian priest told us she'd only do our offsite wedding if we did it traditional, and I NEVER wanted to write our own vows. When it came time for the final walk-through, we could choose between two sets of vows and I chose the traditional "In sickness and in health." I wore the same style of dress, hair and veil I'd dreamed of at 20 and 22 with those past boyfriends. But those vows... those were my reason.
The way I see it, my partner and I are already family. She already feels like my wife, and I feel like her wife. We're not that bothered about the wedding day but it'll be nice to have a fun day then a holiday after. The real thing for me is that being married just legally makes things a lot more straightforward, especially if we end up with any health problems etc. It won't change how I feel or how I treat my partner, she's already my family and world, so nothing really changes except from a legal standpoint.
Well I'm moderately Catholic and I do see marriage as a sacrament. I like the idea of an unbreakable spiritual bond.
It's also important to me that my partner and I both be willing to make a legal and public commitment to each other. I know so many people say they don't need a piece of paper to be committed, but my perspective is that if you're so committed, why are you scared to sign the piece of paper LOL
Your example of a marriage not working because one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t are the *exact* kind of people who should NOT get married. I think a lot of us have a very “Disney” idea of marriage, ie you meet someone, fall in love, and decide if they’re *the one*. This isn’t realistic.
The best marriages aren’t based on being in love, they’re based on loving each other. It’s not about finding the right partner, it’s about being the right partner. And truly, loving someone is not enough to have a good marriage. Let’s take the kids example and say I want them and my boyfriend doesn’t. There’s no amount of “love” that my boyfriend can give me that will make me not want kids, and there’s no amount of “love” I can give to him to make him want them. The most loving thing you can do is let the person go to find someone who will give them the things they want in life.
I use this is example because when my husband and I first started dating, I was explicit about the fact that I wanted kids. He said that he wasn’t ready then (and good thing, we were 17 and 18 lol) but he would want them later. Now that we’re married and 5 years older, he was more upset about the last negative pregnancy test we got than I was.
A good marriage is about finding someone to build a life with. The lovey-affectionate stuff comes and goes. Your foundation doesn’t.
No I did not mean why they would NOT work, but as if that was something someone saw as one of the reasons for marriage.
I definitely agree that making relationships work (and marriages work) it involves a lot more than just love. Although I do think there is compromises that can be made. For the kid example, my spouse and I have a child together. I always wanted more kids. He doesn't want more kids. Our child is 10 years old. I don't think it would be more loving to split up our family for the dream of having more children. It is something I think is worth the compromise.
Idk I guess right now I am going back and forth between the fact that I always wanted to be married, and now 14 years later of being together should we even bother.
Now, as I reflect on what marriage means to me, I still hold onto the hope of finding a partner who shares my desire to have kids and build a family. But I've also learned that marriage is more than just that. It's about finding someone who you can grow with, support each other, and build a meaningful life together, whether that includes children or not.
I'm curious to hear from others who might have had to adjust their expectations or redefine what marriage means to them. How did you navigate those changes, and what does marriage mean to you now?
It's a commitment to each other higher than others, in my opinion. You've found a relationship and being "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" (or whichever title fits) isn't enough for how you feel about the other person and their role in your life. I want to get married because I want to commit to my partner in that way and have that next step up in our relationship. I love him so much that I want him to be my husband, not just my boyfriend. It's a higher level of that commitment to each other and to our lives together/our shared future. It's about growing together and creating our future, supporting each other and helping each other through everything - the good and the bad.
My husband is my person. Before we got married, we were committed to each other, but after we got married, it felt different. We both chose each other to go through life as a unit and I wanted to have him legally be my family. I’ve always seen marriage as a partnership and I was always hopeful that I’d meet someone that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
In short form- it means that I’m willing to work through any issues that arise rather than run away (like I used to) also means that my husband is always in mind when it comes to making bigger decisions (and vice versa).
So I live in a country where there is very little difference between de facto/common law partnerships and marriage. This worked for me because then we could make the decision on whether or not to marry without concerns around tax benefits or health care.
For me, marriage represents the choice that we have made to be together. It’s a declaration that we are in this life together as a team, and put each other first. Because it’s not “necessary”, I value it more.
When it comes to having kids, marriage means that if we can’t have kids for whatever reason, we support each other through that. Marriage means compromise, and communication, and love. It’s not about being “in love” - even though I am in love with my husband, totally and completely. It’s about loving each other actively and honestly and openly.
To me it’s the ultimate step in your relationship in terms of commitment, it also signifies going into the next stage of life together.
In Australia there aren’t many massive legal differences between marriage and de facto - but it does speed up processes a bit.
as a kid I thought marriage was the start to life…you get married, you leave home, get your own house, have kids, etc. now times have changed and you don’t need to get married for any of that. My fiancé and I are marrying older (30s and 40s), not planning on having kids, not much is going to change in our day to day life. But still, I like the idea of declaring our intentions to be together for life. I like what it symbolizes. i like the intent. and the security. and Secondarily, I do like the legal protections it will provide should we need to make medical decisions, etc
it doesn’t have to be for everyone, though. I know plenty of people who aren’t legally married but have been together for over a decade, have children, etc. for various reasons.
I got married last week. We are both childfree people. But we are 100% committed to each other and love each other, so we got married. We are a family. Being childless doesn’t mean you’re not a family.
Plus there is the legal aspect of marriage. If something was to happen to me or to him, then we have the legal right to make sure that the respective partners wishes was fulfilled and also any assets and possessions are legally mine. I know of a gay couple who loved and lived together for over 20 years, but one got sick and was estranged by their family for being gay. The healthy partner contacted the sicks partner family, because he was dying and thought they ought to know. The sick partner died, and the healthy partner was banned from his funeral, wasn’t allowed to live in his house he shared with him, and wasn’t allowed any assets. All because at the time gay marriage was illegal. Being married would have protected him. So that is another reason to get married.
Me and my new husband have been together for 16 years.
I always thought that marriage was a true sign of eternal love, then my parent cheated because his ego was bruised.
Now, marriage means a deeper form of commitment for me. It's a celebration of the love we are already sharing and a vow to keep this love for as long as we can. I want to be able to stand in society and declare this person my life partner in every way possible.
Marriage protects men and women but in different ways.
When I was in the hospital after delivering our first child, the hospital made it clear my husband could make ZERO medical decisions for his own children unless we are married. They asked before every time he entered the NICU if he's married to me. Otherwise, all medical decisions revert back to the mother of the child. That was an interesting medical education and if I were in a coma after birth, I have no idea who'd have to call the shots if I wasn't married.
If he leaves me for a different woman, I lay financial claim to half his stuff. He can't just up and toss me out. I get half his money, maybe his house, he pays my legal fees. I can even collect his social security benefits if we've been married 10+ yrs. It's a financial safety net, especially for stay at home moms like myself.
Another kid one: if I leave him and take the kids with me and we didn't marry, it'd be way harder for him to see his own kids. Courts favor the mothers, and legal process for visitation could take many months. But if married, and I decide to run off with the kids, that's basically kidnapping cause he's the legal father and we are a family unit. Courts would process visitation faster or I'd have to bring back the kids if I don't want lawyers involved.
Besides being a safety net, it's a financial benefit (IF you're with the right person). Better percentage rates on loans, larger tax returns, I'm able to be on his insurance plan. And if he's in a coma, I make medical decisions for him. If he dies, I gain all the assets. It could go elsewhere to family Otherwise, and I'd be out on the street with my kids in an instant.
I know that's not a romantic way of putting it all. And trust me, I love my husband. He's amazing in every way. But the truth is that life doesn't just run on love. There's lots of logistics to being alive and dying. As morbid as that sounds. You have to think ahead. It's a financial and emotional partnership. You work as a team for the betterment of your family unit. He supports me emotionally and financially. I hold down the home, do the childcare and cooking. We work like a well oiled machine. Hope that helps
Yes financial reasons is a big thing weighing on my heart. After 14 years of running our house and putting my heart and soul in cleaning, organizing, remodeling it- it makes me sad to think if anything happens I actually do not have any claim to this house. Also I took care of his grandmother for 5 years and take care of his disabled mother (Not extensively because she is 500lbs so when she gets completely immobile she will have to have someone else take care of her but I don't mind doing the shopping and cleaning for her) and with out an official marriage then when he gets his inherence and something happened, I would get nothing. I know on one hand this sounds 'gold digging' but it is not, obviously after 14 years with the majority of it me supporting him I am not in it for money. But I do worry about when we are old and I would have to start from scratch without a security net.
I'm in an interesting spot because my fiance and i are polyamorous. most people who are polyamorous and married were monogamous and chose to open up, but we met through the polyamorous community and have been together for 7 years. we also have no intention of ever becoming monogamous again. so why get married? the obvious:
* the legal and financial benefits to being married. taxes and shit.
* our families expect it. right now our families do not know we're polyamorous (mine might, his probably never), and have the expectation that we are to do the whole, getting married and settling down.
on a more personal level, i struggled with the idea of getting married because i was scared i was going to lose myself. looking around, it seemed like once women got married they ceased to be people and just became Mrs. Hisname, and i didn't want that. i fought so hard to let myself be a person that i didn't want to be forced to give that up.
spending a lot of time in the polyamorous community helped. watching my friends be happy, whole human beings who are also spouses and parents (or one or neither!) made me realize that i didn't have to stop being a person just because I "settled down", and that "settling down" can look different for everyone. my fiance has also been incredible because he also worried about that kind of stuff, and he is so supportive of everything and i feel like he actually loves me for ME, who i was who i am and who i will be, instead of loving me for the box he wants to put me into.
above all i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and whoever else joins us along the way. we werent boyfriend and girlfriend, we're not fiance and fiancee, and we're not gonna be husband and wife. we're partners.
Marriage is simply a promise between two people to be partners for life.
Imo the only marriage worth having is a love match. No "I hate my spouse" talk because then you aren't real partners. No "falling out of love" because real love doesn't fade. No abuse or anything like that
It's working together to keep each other happy, healthy and safe.
Legally, I want all the benefits of marriage. The tax benefits, the double income, I want him to be allowed by my bedside and to make decisions for me if I’m sick/dying, and vice versa because we know each other than anyone and would honor each others wishes, etc.
But I also couldn’t imagine doing life (the good and the bad) without him. I want to see him grow and win in life, and I want him to see those same things in me. I of course, want to be there for him when the inevitable hard things happen, and I want to weather things together. I truly don’t think we were meant to do life alone; you need someone. If not a spouse, a super dedicated friend/friend group, family, etc. We have already proven, through being boyfriend and girlfriend, and through this engagement period, that we are better together. We truly are a team. Also, I love the our love has spiraled into more love. I got to know his family, and I now consider them my own. I’m with them all the time, and I don’t remember life a lot before that. He’s gotten to meet my family, and some of my hometown friends. My mom had gotten to meet, and has grown to love his family. My friends have grown to love him, and vice versa. Soon we’ll have kids, and the love will keep growing.
We also want the same things in life, such as a home, kids, traveling, etc.
This is my second marriage, my children are grown, I did the whole building a family thing. FH does not have nor want children of his own, but he has a great relationship with mine. Our reasons for getting married are frankly, we’re getting older. We would be perfectly content to just live together the rest of our lives, but marriage guarantees us some decision making for the other, in case of a serious illness/injury, rights to visit each other, access to the other’s retirement accounts, and so forth. We each want to be able to financially, medically, and legally care for the other.
This is exactly my situation, right down to my child being grown (he's in college but lives at home still) and my husband not wanting or having children of his own. We've been together over a decade and own a home, etc. We got married for very practical reasons related to getting older.
Same, tho no kids for us. It’s. It’s both first marriage.
When I was little, I had no idea of what marriage meant beyond a wedding and the "go signal" to make babies. Simplistic, but made sense for the time. As I reflect on my own marriage, I realized that there are two sides to it for me: - The legal stuff. Next of kin, hospital privileges, medical decisions, tax benefits, visa support when you're abroad. Whatever. This could be solved with legal documentation, and we don't have a significant tax break anyway. - The emotional stuff. It's a promise to weather the tough stuff together, even when it feels more convenient not to. Not that a boyfriend/girlfriend pair can't do that, but marriage changes the way you think about your relationship, and that mental change from "I could leave" -> "we're really in this" is where the magic is. I no longer think "I don't like this, maybe I should end it," but rather "I don't like this, let's talk about how to fix it." As of 16 days ago, you had a husband, so maybe it sounds like you need to think less about what marriage means more generally (and to unmarried people, who are most likely to be on this sub), and what YOUR marriage means to YOU. If you're curious, that's one thing, but if you're actually questioning whether or not the things you dropped have left enough positives for you to stay (this is the vibe I'm getting, I'm sorry if I'm off), perhaps a therapist would be the best place to start. Good luck!
It is just something I am curious about. To clarify about myself, I CALL my spouse my husband. We are not actually married. We have been together for 14 years. We have a 10 year old kid together. I guess I always say husband because I am kinda embarrassed after all these years to say boyfriend, that just sounds wrong in context of our relationship.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Many places in the world (US included) put a REALLY high value on being married, to the point where the converse is true-- couples who are unmarried don't have the same respect or rights. Meanwhile, in many countries in Europe where legal marriage benefits just kick in after you've lived together for a certain amount of time, things are different. If the title is irking you, maybe consider just using "partner," but whether it's "husband" or husband, no rando is gonna ask to see a marriage certificate. If you and your partner are committed and in it without being married, and the legal stuff is buttoned up in a way that makes sense for you (there are cases where being unmarried will have more benefits), then call your partner what you want and leave it at that. But again, if having a marriage certificate would change things in your mind, then that's also valid. Imo, marriage should not change anything about the commitment level. It's not a promise to start doing or being something from the moment the ink dries, but a promise to continue doing what you're doing.
> I CALL my spouse my husband. We are not actually married. I'm confused about this statement. If he is your spouse he is your husband. The words are synonyms.
Ahh learn something new about the English language everyday 😆 in that case then partner, lol
The opposite: My reasoning from when I was younger just grew. My mom always preached that "brides these days want a $20,000 wedding and then the marriage doesn't even last a year." She was huge into wedding vows and what they meant. Granted if someone in our lives is abused and/or in a bad situation, she advocates for divorce. But when she hears about something like cheating, she says, "some people make those vows and think they just apply when they want them to." At a wedding when I was 19, a friend of the bride who recently divorced told me that after her ex-husband was in an accident that left him unable to walk (maybe paralyzed?), she just couldn't be limited to that, so the marriage didn't work. She said it so casually, like deciding the color of your curtains don't work the way you hoped they would with the walls. I never forgot it. I dated a few guys seriously and DREAMED of my wedding to them. But I always just felt "too young," or "not ready," and then it wouldn't work out. Two years ago I had to have a major surgery. My then-boyfriend was there with me and for me in such amazing ways, without coddling me. My mom even asked when we were getting married because we're "already doing in sickness and in health." Last summer after he proposed, my best friend's husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. They'd come close to divorce the summer before for other reasons entirely, but they kept coming back to "those vows," and became stronger than ever. At the same time, ANOTHER friend found out his cancer spread literally everywhere after the umpteenth treatment and two years of fighting. I was at his and his wife's wedding in 2018 ... she'd called off another wedding years ago, and these two ... they were made for each other. Every cancer treatment. Every appointment. Way too young, definitely younger than 40. They fought together and for each other. So anyway, my best friend's husband recovered and they're still recovering mentally together. My other friend died 5 weeks before my wedding. Everyone at his funeral talked about him finding his person, his wife. After the funeral, my now-husband who couldn't come called to warn me about a storm he saw on the radar because he was just checking the radar on my trip's path for funsies. My Episcopalian priest told us she'd only do our offsite wedding if we did it traditional, and I NEVER wanted to write our own vows. When it came time for the final walk-through, we could choose between two sets of vows and I chose the traditional "In sickness and in health." I wore the same style of dress, hair and veil I'd dreamed of at 20 and 22 with those past boyfriends. But those vows... those were my reason.
The way I see it, my partner and I are already family. She already feels like my wife, and I feel like her wife. We're not that bothered about the wedding day but it'll be nice to have a fun day then a holiday after. The real thing for me is that being married just legally makes things a lot more straightforward, especially if we end up with any health problems etc. It won't change how I feel or how I treat my partner, she's already my family and world, so nothing really changes except from a legal standpoint.
Well I'm moderately Catholic and I do see marriage as a sacrament. I like the idea of an unbreakable spiritual bond. It's also important to me that my partner and I both be willing to make a legal and public commitment to each other. I know so many people say they don't need a piece of paper to be committed, but my perspective is that if you're so committed, why are you scared to sign the piece of paper LOL
Your example of a marriage not working because one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t are the *exact* kind of people who should NOT get married. I think a lot of us have a very “Disney” idea of marriage, ie you meet someone, fall in love, and decide if they’re *the one*. This isn’t realistic. The best marriages aren’t based on being in love, they’re based on loving each other. It’s not about finding the right partner, it’s about being the right partner. And truly, loving someone is not enough to have a good marriage. Let’s take the kids example and say I want them and my boyfriend doesn’t. There’s no amount of “love” that my boyfriend can give me that will make me not want kids, and there’s no amount of “love” I can give to him to make him want them. The most loving thing you can do is let the person go to find someone who will give them the things they want in life. I use this is example because when my husband and I first started dating, I was explicit about the fact that I wanted kids. He said that he wasn’t ready then (and good thing, we were 17 and 18 lol) but he would want them later. Now that we’re married and 5 years older, he was more upset about the last negative pregnancy test we got than I was. A good marriage is about finding someone to build a life with. The lovey-affectionate stuff comes and goes. Your foundation doesn’t.
No I did not mean why they would NOT work, but as if that was something someone saw as one of the reasons for marriage. I definitely agree that making relationships work (and marriages work) it involves a lot more than just love. Although I do think there is compromises that can be made. For the kid example, my spouse and I have a child together. I always wanted more kids. He doesn't want more kids. Our child is 10 years old. I don't think it would be more loving to split up our family for the dream of having more children. It is something I think is worth the compromise. Idk I guess right now I am going back and forth between the fact that I always wanted to be married, and now 14 years later of being together should we even bother.
Now, as I reflect on what marriage means to me, I still hold onto the hope of finding a partner who shares my desire to have kids and build a family. But I've also learned that marriage is more than just that. It's about finding someone who you can grow with, support each other, and build a meaningful life together, whether that includes children or not. I'm curious to hear from others who might have had to adjust their expectations or redefine what marriage means to them. How did you navigate those changes, and what does marriage mean to you now?
It's a commitment to each other higher than others, in my opinion. You've found a relationship and being "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" (or whichever title fits) isn't enough for how you feel about the other person and their role in your life. I want to get married because I want to commit to my partner in that way and have that next step up in our relationship. I love him so much that I want him to be my husband, not just my boyfriend. It's a higher level of that commitment to each other and to our lives together/our shared future. It's about growing together and creating our future, supporting each other and helping each other through everything - the good and the bad.
My husband is my person. Before we got married, we were committed to each other, but after we got married, it felt different. We both chose each other to go through life as a unit and I wanted to have him legally be my family. I’ve always seen marriage as a partnership and I was always hopeful that I’d meet someone that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
In short form- it means that I’m willing to work through any issues that arise rather than run away (like I used to) also means that my husband is always in mind when it comes to making bigger decisions (and vice versa).
So I live in a country where there is very little difference between de facto/common law partnerships and marriage. This worked for me because then we could make the decision on whether or not to marry without concerns around tax benefits or health care. For me, marriage represents the choice that we have made to be together. It’s a declaration that we are in this life together as a team, and put each other first. Because it’s not “necessary”, I value it more. When it comes to having kids, marriage means that if we can’t have kids for whatever reason, we support each other through that. Marriage means compromise, and communication, and love. It’s not about being “in love” - even though I am in love with my husband, totally and completely. It’s about loving each other actively and honestly and openly.
Us too! After living together for a year you're considered legally married, so there are no specific benefits to marriage. It isn't about that.
To me it’s the ultimate step in your relationship in terms of commitment, it also signifies going into the next stage of life together. In Australia there aren’t many massive legal differences between marriage and de facto - but it does speed up processes a bit.
as a kid I thought marriage was the start to life…you get married, you leave home, get your own house, have kids, etc. now times have changed and you don’t need to get married for any of that. My fiancé and I are marrying older (30s and 40s), not planning on having kids, not much is going to change in our day to day life. But still, I like the idea of declaring our intentions to be together for life. I like what it symbolizes. i like the intent. and the security. and Secondarily, I do like the legal protections it will provide should we need to make medical decisions, etc it doesn’t have to be for everyone, though. I know plenty of people who aren’t legally married but have been together for over a decade, have children, etc. for various reasons.
I got married last week. We are both childfree people. But we are 100% committed to each other and love each other, so we got married. We are a family. Being childless doesn’t mean you’re not a family. Plus there is the legal aspect of marriage. If something was to happen to me or to him, then we have the legal right to make sure that the respective partners wishes was fulfilled and also any assets and possessions are legally mine. I know of a gay couple who loved and lived together for over 20 years, but one got sick and was estranged by their family for being gay. The healthy partner contacted the sicks partner family, because he was dying and thought they ought to know. The sick partner died, and the healthy partner was banned from his funeral, wasn’t allowed to live in his house he shared with him, and wasn’t allowed any assets. All because at the time gay marriage was illegal. Being married would have protected him. So that is another reason to get married. Me and my new husband have been together for 16 years.
I always thought that marriage was a true sign of eternal love, then my parent cheated because his ego was bruised. Now, marriage means a deeper form of commitment for me. It's a celebration of the love we are already sharing and a vow to keep this love for as long as we can. I want to be able to stand in society and declare this person my life partner in every way possible.
Marriage protects men and women but in different ways. When I was in the hospital after delivering our first child, the hospital made it clear my husband could make ZERO medical decisions for his own children unless we are married. They asked before every time he entered the NICU if he's married to me. Otherwise, all medical decisions revert back to the mother of the child. That was an interesting medical education and if I were in a coma after birth, I have no idea who'd have to call the shots if I wasn't married. If he leaves me for a different woman, I lay financial claim to half his stuff. He can't just up and toss me out. I get half his money, maybe his house, he pays my legal fees. I can even collect his social security benefits if we've been married 10+ yrs. It's a financial safety net, especially for stay at home moms like myself. Another kid one: if I leave him and take the kids with me and we didn't marry, it'd be way harder for him to see his own kids. Courts favor the mothers, and legal process for visitation could take many months. But if married, and I decide to run off with the kids, that's basically kidnapping cause he's the legal father and we are a family unit. Courts would process visitation faster or I'd have to bring back the kids if I don't want lawyers involved. Besides being a safety net, it's a financial benefit (IF you're with the right person). Better percentage rates on loans, larger tax returns, I'm able to be on his insurance plan. And if he's in a coma, I make medical decisions for him. If he dies, I gain all the assets. It could go elsewhere to family Otherwise, and I'd be out on the street with my kids in an instant. I know that's not a romantic way of putting it all. And trust me, I love my husband. He's amazing in every way. But the truth is that life doesn't just run on love. There's lots of logistics to being alive and dying. As morbid as that sounds. You have to think ahead. It's a financial and emotional partnership. You work as a team for the betterment of your family unit. He supports me emotionally and financially. I hold down the home, do the childcare and cooking. We work like a well oiled machine. Hope that helps
Yes financial reasons is a big thing weighing on my heart. After 14 years of running our house and putting my heart and soul in cleaning, organizing, remodeling it- it makes me sad to think if anything happens I actually do not have any claim to this house. Also I took care of his grandmother for 5 years and take care of his disabled mother (Not extensively because she is 500lbs so when she gets completely immobile she will have to have someone else take care of her but I don't mind doing the shopping and cleaning for her) and with out an official marriage then when he gets his inherence and something happened, I would get nothing. I know on one hand this sounds 'gold digging' but it is not, obviously after 14 years with the majority of it me supporting him I am not in it for money. But I do worry about when we are old and I would have to start from scratch without a security net.
I'm in an interesting spot because my fiance and i are polyamorous. most people who are polyamorous and married were monogamous and chose to open up, but we met through the polyamorous community and have been together for 7 years. we also have no intention of ever becoming monogamous again. so why get married? the obvious: * the legal and financial benefits to being married. taxes and shit. * our families expect it. right now our families do not know we're polyamorous (mine might, his probably never), and have the expectation that we are to do the whole, getting married and settling down. on a more personal level, i struggled with the idea of getting married because i was scared i was going to lose myself. looking around, it seemed like once women got married they ceased to be people and just became Mrs. Hisname, and i didn't want that. i fought so hard to let myself be a person that i didn't want to be forced to give that up. spending a lot of time in the polyamorous community helped. watching my friends be happy, whole human beings who are also spouses and parents (or one or neither!) made me realize that i didn't have to stop being a person just because I "settled down", and that "settling down" can look different for everyone. my fiance has also been incredible because he also worried about that kind of stuff, and he is so supportive of everything and i feel like he actually loves me for ME, who i was who i am and who i will be, instead of loving me for the box he wants to put me into. above all i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and whoever else joins us along the way. we werent boyfriend and girlfriend, we're not fiance and fiancee, and we're not gonna be husband and wife. we're partners.
Marriage is simply a promise between two people to be partners for life. Imo the only marriage worth having is a love match. No "I hate my spouse" talk because then you aren't real partners. No "falling out of love" because real love doesn't fade. No abuse or anything like that It's working together to keep each other happy, healthy and safe.
Legally, I want all the benefits of marriage. The tax benefits, the double income, I want him to be allowed by my bedside and to make decisions for me if I’m sick/dying, and vice versa because we know each other than anyone and would honor each others wishes, etc. But I also couldn’t imagine doing life (the good and the bad) without him. I want to see him grow and win in life, and I want him to see those same things in me. I of course, want to be there for him when the inevitable hard things happen, and I want to weather things together. I truly don’t think we were meant to do life alone; you need someone. If not a spouse, a super dedicated friend/friend group, family, etc. We have already proven, through being boyfriend and girlfriend, and through this engagement period, that we are better together. We truly are a team. Also, I love the our love has spiraled into more love. I got to know his family, and I now consider them my own. I’m with them all the time, and I don’t remember life a lot before that. He’s gotten to meet my family, and some of my hometown friends. My mom had gotten to meet, and has grown to love his family. My friends have grown to love him, and vice versa. Soon we’ll have kids, and the love will keep growing. We also want the same things in life, such as a home, kids, traveling, etc.