I've spent the last seven years wanting to kill myself every day and feeling like a bystander forced to watch as my life slowly gets out of control, forced to watch how my ocd and depression make me sabotage everything good while having no control over it.
I don't think I wanna spend my 20s healing, sounds just as bad as being suicidal lol.
Oh, no, you don't get to be non-suicidal while you heal. Life is pain and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. But you're still around because, I'm guessing, there's someone who wouldn't recover if you killed yourself. You can either be 30 and having more nice times than not, or you can hit 40 and consider whether you can make it to the back of the grocery store for sour cream and back without just giving up and lieing on the floor til they find someone big enough to move you. Or infinite things in between. I'd ask the person who wouldn't recover to go down a list of phone numbers of health care providers in your county. Even if you really do deserve it, why not find someone who will give you stuff to spend the next 60 years thinking it's worth it.
Or whatever. I'm not the boss of you and you're an internet stranger. I could give a shit. But I feel bad for your Aunt Lydia or whoever. Also popping the cork on the reddit suicidalness bot. You know, the one MAGAts think will troll you? Anyway, ignore it if you want.
I don't know why I'm still around, I don't think I even have a reason. I just am.
Weirldy enough trying to get better is what kept me suicidal, even after 5 years of therapy and twelve psych ward visits I was just as suicidal.
In the end only thing that helped a bit was just letting go and going with the flow. I guess I was really burnt out from constantly pressuring myself to get better.
I completely agree with you. Relationships are a two-way street, and it's important to consider whether someone is willing to support and care for you in the same way that you are for them. Ultimately, it's up to each individual to determine what they need and want in a relationship, and to communicate those needs clearly to their partner. When both people are committed to each other's well-being, that's when a relationship can truly thrive.
You left out an important part of marriage (I know you didn't mention the legal and religious thing.)
One must consider the long term implications of one's actions, am I not right?
So give me, him, her, you, them, a fucking break, life is short, make it easy and as fun as you can
OMG reddit philosophy
That's tricky. It's not uncommon to suffer competitively in a relationship. Keeping a mental record of bitterness of "how much I've sacrificed". Bitterness rarely can be transformed to happiness.
The wrong thing.
Our society pushes that you should always put yourself second to be a good person, but the reality is it just makes you open to abusive relationships and employers.
it's equally important to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. Burning out trying to help others is not sustainable and can ultimately do more harm than good. It's all about finding a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves, and knowing when to say no when we need to.
Yeah. Loyalty is earned and not just owed through blood. This isn’t clan warfare in the Dark Ages anymore. My stupider family members are a frustration I hear about through my mom sometimes, and it always reinforces my disinterest in interacting with them ever again.
My brother's homeless, addicted to drugs etc. I can't say that my dad didn't care, but I can say that he was looking for an excuse to write us off since the divorce. My brother was adopted, so he was easy to write off, and when I wouldn't dance like a puppet on strings, he wrote me off.
I think about the hatred every day and I don't know what to do to stop it. I'm going to be getting new insurance next month so hopefully I can try some better therapy but Kaiser told me that my job needs to be at risk before I qualify.
The hatred's eating me up and I don't know what to do
It is up to us. Really. I have an amazing family that consists of my girlfriend, her son, my two kids, my ex wife and her new husband, two close friends, and one of my 5 siblings. How much more rich can life get?
My sister, who sexually abused me as a child and humiliated me in front of her friends (she had substance abuse issues....Still does...) Ha stage 4 pancreatic cancer, and while I would never wish it on anyone....Even my abuser that took years to get over, it is nice not to feel guilty about not having to "come to Jesus" with her just because she is sick. Again, would never wish it on her or anyone, but a lot of peace comes from realizing who your real family is. :)
Learning what family is was one of the most important lessons I learned and it really does bring an enormous amount of peace. My best friend/best man/brother may not be blood but he was the only family I had for a long time, and I didn't even realize it. We've been friends since I was 13 and he was 23, and he still looks after me. I'd be lost without him lol. He taught me how to drive, helped me apply for college, tons of other milestones. He's more family than anyone I share blood with.
And when I realized that, I realized I could expand my family. Now I've got a really close and REALLY solid family circle that I chose. Couldn't be happier.
That's about my timeline, but let me tell you what happened when the addict/mentally ill person got to the point where they were out of other options and had abused everyone else. They moved to live near me and start leaching off me. And all the boundaries I drew were useless, when they camped homeless in a car in front of my house and told all my neighbors that I wouldn't help them. All the boundaries were useless when they followed me to the grocery store or to work, and started telling people there that I refused to help them. All the boundaries were worthless to the cops even, who picked them up off the street and brought them to me as "nearest kin".
Don't make my mistake. When you cut them off, cut everyone they can get to you through, off too. Move, and don't let anyone know where you've gone. You have to lose your entire family, to get rid of the cancerous parts, and I can't tell you how much I wish I had.
I'm a survivor of years of physical and mental abuse, too. It took me 30 years to realize that I had to not only cut them off, but everyone they associated with as well. None of my "family" knows where I live anymore. I don't use social media anymore either. I'll spend the rest of my life healing. You're right.. it truly is the only way.
Keep your head up. You aren't alone.
In a way. She’s in a care home and because I placed her there, I’m very much responsible fir her and subject to daily abuse from her. Plus have the burden of dealing with her financial problems including the fact that she can’t afford the care home. She’s no longer living with me though, so the situation is greatly improved
Oh dear. I hope that you find the strength to deal with such an unpleasant situation. It sound like you are a very strong person already. If it helps, I'll state the obvious "this, too, shall pass,"
I've been there before, sometimes those people you taught who would lift you up in times of odds. Are the people who would drowned you in a mod. Sad but true !
I think I just figured this out 2 months ago and it's been very liberating. Still want to visit most of my family but I think I'm going to permanently cut out a select couple that have caused long lasting trauma in all 5 of my siblings and myself.
That's why people feel closer with their friends or best friends than their family, you don't get to pick your family but you get to pick your friends.
“Blood is thicker than water” is actually a shortened (and inaccurate) version of the original: Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. So this isn’t just a few people who have noticed it, but was apparently a widely regarded truth for a time (before the phrase was mutilated)
Varies by experience. I had a found family for a decade. They stabbed me in the back by continuously inviting my abusive ex girlfriend back to events and keeping her in the group. I had to leave them all behind and sometimes I still feel my heart broken over it.
Ah, but that is just another personal experience of plato’s the cave allegory. You know what to do. Realize they are chained to their situation, don’t try to convince them, go enjoy a sunset without thinking of them.
When you do this you will find a new, better suited family
Focus on yourself: gym, learn new stuff to broaden your career / create interesting possibilities for yourself, make an awesome post avec pics every morning focusing on how your creatively made your bed as soon as you woke up, meetup.com, hobbies, your hobbies are your friend, and when you are happy, others who do similar hobbies will be drawn to you like white on rice.
F ‘trying to find people’. That is a sad road for codependent people who just want to manipulate others. You F’ing rock, be your own happy, self sufficient positivity guru, only do things that you know bring yourself joy, and if it don’t bring joy, then lose that person/activity/ or toy.
Family can be only your pet or even a potted plant if you so damn wish. Exclude the ones who wish to hurt you, for good.
Connection by blood means nothing but whose genes you share.
Just throwing that out there.
You know how the story goes right?
Blood runs thicker than water- as in, the blood spilled in battle together runs thicker than the water shared in the uterus.
~~Actually how the saying goes funnily enough.~~
Cut off connections with my birth mom when I was 13. She's been a drug addicted, alcoholic, prostitute since before I was born. She showed up to my thirteenth birthday high on benadryl. We had a Skype call and my sister and I gave her the choice of us or drugs. She chose drugs.
My dad's dad's side of the family is the definition of creepy uncle and my dad's dad had a second secret family he didn't know about until he was an adult. Very neglectful.
My step mom's mom is absolutely insane and we have a restraining order against her for threats towards us.
We are not the problem. It is perfectly okay to cut out people in your life.
Sometimes you need to let your blood family go. Too many people stay in abusive family relationships, without ever getting out. You deserve to be happy, get out!
I feel I could do it only if I'm somehow able to leave this country, because even though I'm staying in the same country (in a different state), they're still bugging me to move to a city closer to them. Sometimes I feel they only love me because I'm sending them money 🥲.
It's not that easy tho, especially in India. I was kind of looking into moving to a different country, maybe I need to work seriously towards that. My thinking is that If I somehow manage to make a very good amount of money for them then they'll be just fine.
No amount of money will ever be enough. Send them *just enough* while moving away, then cut contact. Otherwise you'll be in this situation for a long time.
Hope you stay safe x
I learned I’m not depressed or bipolar my family just forgot to treat me with love growing up. It gets better and id never go back. Save half of all money you make 3k and a stable enough job making 1.5 times rent is all you really need to move out. Finding a place making less than 3x rent will be hard but it’s possible.
When someone pollutes your breathing space, find better air.
If you don't you might suffocate.
Been in a similar spot, managed to get out when I was 20. Got lucky with a somewhat janky solution, but it's paying off.
I went to a family counseling last week and he explained to me that taking care of myself and being happy comes before trying to help my family and that hit really hard
Amen to this. I am not a firm supporter of cutting ties if you can work through problems but I have also had to cut ties because the issues were too big and couldn't be fixed so I understand sometimes you have to.
People should stop with this kind of mindset. Family should protect you, not hurt you. If they decide to hurt you, it’s your decision to cut your relationship with them, it doesn’t matter if you are related or not.
My mom's side of the family has always been very close. She was one of ten kids so I had a ton of family on that side, and we saw each other all the time. We'd go to each other's houses but the main meeting spot was my grandparent's house. My grandma was the sweetest woman in the world, and my grandpa was a fairly typical sometimes grumpy, sometimes grumpy old man.
Then as a teenager I found out he had abused my grandma, my mom, and all my aunts and uncles. In every way. I was furious. I was shocked to realize I was basically the last to know. He was dead to me from then on, but everyone else went on about how "he's still family." Not to me he wasn't.
I did not shed a single tear when he died.
I'm so sick of seeing films constantly show horrible neglectful/abusive family's and then at the end of the film/show all is forgiven because family values blah blah blah we all need family blah blah blah. A huge example recently is encanto, I love the film and it actually shows generational trauma well, but the reconciliation at the end is stupid, abuela was straight up controlling but that doesn't mean she was a bad person but you can still love someone and not be in their life if that relationship isn't healthy. That's the big production value kids Disney movie I want to see.
One of my brothers has been unbelievably cruel to me at every opportunity for the past 15 years because I'm transgender. He was recently diagnosed with "advanced cirrhosis of the liver with complications".
**So I donated one of my livers to him.**
*I know; I know* \- "People only have **one** liver."
I was at Publix, and there was a sale on them - so I bought **two**... and had one of my livers sent to him, with a case of white wine.
No, Publix was out of Fava Beans....
I wish I could have seen his face when he realized what I had done...
And I want to know, did he drink all that wine?
(You ***know*** he did; a drunk is gonna drink, and by now, he "needs" alcohol in his system merely to feel "normal"...)
Payback / Revenge... **is** a dish that tastes best, when it's cold...
Oh ye yesterday my parents used "We still have to work even if we're sick so we're teaching you about the real world" by being mad at me and shouting for literally being almost unable to walk cus i hadnt slept for 3 days cus i just couldnt fall asleep even with medication
My first job was at my uncle's pizza shop, my uncle was never there, but my older cousin was to run the shop. If someone, including me, messed up a pizza, he demanded we pay for it. He would berat and insult us in front of customers. He would steal our tips. He would laugh at us when we tried to buy something there for lunch and ended up not having enough money from the job he was running. He would be inappropriate with the underaged teenage girls there. I complained to my uncle who told me I was just misunderstanding what he was doing.
Later I found corporate had already tried to talk to him about harassment complaints from his employees and he refused. He was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend.
I complained about it to my parents and they just said they didn't want me to "make waves".
I still see my parents, but I don't talk to that side of the family anymore and don't think I ever will.
My grandparents raised me. They gaslit me, probably unintentionally, my whole life. Their friend is a "prophet" and they would say all sorts of manipulative things to me. Had to burn a bunch of my toys as a kid. Even when I was an adult, they tried to convince me that on one call I was talking as multiple people and was mentslly ill. Told them to not ever contsct me again, didn't talk for years, started talking again. Now they are qanon nuts. Ever since Jan 4 when they said Trump will be reinstated but buy supplies cause it will get worse before better, I have't talked to then again. They value their weird conspiracies more than their own family. I ended up successful with a great family despite them, not because of. Their shit held me back 10 years butnonly got better when I cut them out.
Cut out family if you need to.
Came from a horrible religious family that was going to force my wife and daughter to convert. It's been two years with no contact and I'm less stressed than I've ever been.
> all the descendants of a common ancestor.
One of the definitions of family, so I sorta disagree. I just think you have no responsibility to stay in contact with family if they treat you like shit.
Buuut, im just being pedantic here.
Edit: I got that definition from Google. U think all descendants from Genghis Khan are one big family aswell, without knowing it? This definition brings up some questions haha.
Last Edit: Genghis Khan is estimated to have 16 million descendants alive today. Thats one big family.
yoooo mf preeaaachhhhh. I am so tired of hearing "but they are your\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, you have to love them" no mf I dont! If they aren't here to help me succeed then they can get lost. different story for parents they should always love their kids but man I have seen kids ruin their parents lives too. Family does not have anything to do with blood.
I often hear people say blood is thicker than water but they don't realised that isn't the full quote. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" biological relations aren't what matter, it's about how people treat you, the people who truly care for you are your real family.
No it isn't. This is an oft repeated urban legend.
The quote is "Blood is thicker than water" and it's over a millenia old.
It used to mean blood is stronger than distances (water), but it has never meant the opposite.
The "water of the womb" version was made up in the 1990s.
Old phrases and quotes are allowed to be wrong or not true for everyone.
Just cause there's an old phrase doesn't mean you have to support family who are terrible.
My wife's parents were...less than ideal. Her father died when she was young, then her mother abandoned her when she was in high school and started doing some hard drugs. So my wife was maybe 14 trying to parent a 9 year old.
Long story short, her mom died and we went on a vacation using her bereavement time instead of going to the funeral.
See this is what my mom says when she asks me if she should give money to my dad’s family when they ask for it. “Family is family.” Nah mom, why would you want to give money to the people that constantly belittle you and talk behind your back when you don’t even talk to them? I’ve been able to convince her to not give anything.
My ex wife and her two sisters would defend family so much. Even after their mother on a nearly clock like work basis would pit them against each other. After one of the sisters beat up my ex wife because their mother said to. And when their mother took a swing at her son in law (not me) all while holding his kid. Also their father enabling the most entitled senses of self worth in each of them.
I would tell her and then many times, you don't have to deal with this you know.
Nope, family is everything. No matter how much they abuse you or each other and blah blah blah.
Fuck that noise.
Because some people need to hear this. You may love your entire family, they are probably all great people, but this is not the case for many. Some people need to hear things like this to fully understand that they don't need to force a relationship with bad people simply because they're related to you.
Totally agree with this. I prefer good friends over most of my family and won't put myself out for most of them.
The only person in my family I've been able to rely on was my mum.
She passed away in January, so now there's no real family ties for me left.
Everyone else is too self-centered.
My parents divorced twice when I was a kid. The second time, I chose to live with my dad. He re-married someone a few months after the divorce was finalized.
Came home from school one day and all of my earthly belongings were in a giant black garbage bag in my mom’s front sidewalk with a note on the door saying he had made a decision for me. He disappeared for two years after that, didn’t show up to my 8th grade graduation.
He passed on 12/21/2018 after years of alcohol abuse, failed marriages, and neglect of his health. I did not want him to know his grandkids because of all the pain he caused my sisters and I.
Yea me and my brother despise each other, it makes it a little tougher to get together with the family but fuck it... I'll tell you what though the blade of a family member cuts twice as deep as a blade from n enemy.
I often get confused looks from my friends when ai tell them they have absolutely no obligation to love their family members just because they were born to them. Respect and love are things that should only be given to those that you can trust won't use them against you as weapons.
Then they see that my relationship with my family is actually pretty good. I do love them and I do trust them, because I know they aren't going to use those things to hurt me.
They're used to these opinions coming from people who don't get along with their family as a justification for that, and thought maybe that these were excuses rather than the truth. But it's not just an excuse, I have a family that is worthy of that trust, and they extend that same trust and love to my friends. But many of them have parents that would use it as weapons and in my opinion those parents don't deserve the family they have. Being the asshole that I am I will take their family. They will be my family now
I'd guess because that's what the post is about
My parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings are just fine but I don't really have any reason to comment that. The post is referring to people who don't have that good of a situation with their family
Not everyone has great families, between mental health issues, physical/verbal/mental abuse, etc... Most people would rather be stress free than deal with a mess of ungrateful people.
Just my take tho.
Not everyone does of course, and I'm glad for people who have good family relationships. A lot of people here are speaking about their experience because they were invited to.
I agree, but I wouldn't call this exactly "wholesome". In fact there's nothing wholesome with leaving your family because they hurt you. So many posts on this sub do not have that wholesome "tone" even if they may be right
My father didn’t give me life, my brothers have different mothers and fathers, and my aunts/uncles come in all skin colors. My family is my family.
Good post
Let's see your dad throw you through a wall at 3 am and still say you love him. That's not even scratching the surface of my experience with that subhuman shitstain.
Sorry responding to the note.
I feel sorry brainwashed by the people who believe this. Im so much happier without any of my family. I have my family and its 2 children, a husband and 2 cats!
*YEET*
About 1 weeks after makes men attacked our home (or them lacked a white van out front, piled out in balaclavas and kicked down a door. They beat my mother and held her current boyfriend up against the wall with a knife. This would be my earliest and most vivid childhood memory.)
My sister, technically a half sister as we had different father's but shared a mother and had grown side by side like full siblings, well...
After we had fled our home overnight and spent nights couch hoping as a family, my sister disappeared.
This was significant to me because when the bad men came. She a was 5, I was 2 or maybe 3, she had the gumption to immediately see the threat and get me and my brother put the window
I can see it as clear as a photo, the view of the van from the window, mother covered in blood and a blade against her throat, her partner beaten to a pulp on the floor and my darling sister jumped to action and got us to climb out to safetywhere we screamed and screamed about mother being dead.
We left that house under cover of darkness that night. Begged stays on sofas a while.
A week after my sister disappeared.
My mother never explained anything beyond "she was stolen"
So naturally our minds equated those masked men and the attack to her being gone and I have feared vans my whole life
She was never kidnapped or stolen. The attack on our home had to do with a drug debt.my sisters father saw she had trauma from it, claimed custody and just kept her go.
She never attempted to keep us in touch.
I now know the lie.
Needless to say my children do not know my own mother
You’re not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
The fuck have I been doing it for the past 20 years then???
Confirming that you don't have to feel guilty about spending the next 20 healing.
I could’ve used this advice 20 years ago
Well, the second best time to receive it is now.
I wouldn't know to give it without the last 40.
I've spent the last seven years wanting to kill myself every day and feeling like a bystander forced to watch as my life slowly gets out of control, forced to watch how my ocd and depression make me sabotage everything good while having no control over it. I don't think I wanna spend my 20s healing, sounds just as bad as being suicidal lol.
Oh, no, you don't get to be non-suicidal while you heal. Life is pain and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. But you're still around because, I'm guessing, there's someone who wouldn't recover if you killed yourself. You can either be 30 and having more nice times than not, or you can hit 40 and consider whether you can make it to the back of the grocery store for sour cream and back without just giving up and lieing on the floor til they find someone big enough to move you. Or infinite things in between. I'd ask the person who wouldn't recover to go down a list of phone numbers of health care providers in your county. Even if you really do deserve it, why not find someone who will give you stuff to spend the next 60 years thinking it's worth it. Or whatever. I'm not the boss of you and you're an internet stranger. I could give a shit. But I feel bad for your Aunt Lydia or whoever. Also popping the cork on the reddit suicidalness bot. You know, the one MAGAts think will troll you? Anyway, ignore it if you want.
I don't know why I'm still around, I don't think I even have a reason. I just am. Weirldy enough trying to get better is what kept me suicidal, even after 5 years of therapy and twelve psych ward visits I was just as suicidal. In the end only thing that helped a bit was just letting go and going with the flow. I guess I was really burnt out from constantly pressuring myself to get better.
Burning I assume
Should have drank a fire resistance potion smh
Oddly, the real world potion for that is flammable
Unless that person does the same for you.. then they might just be worth it. Only you can decide.
I completely agree with you. Relationships are a two-way street, and it's important to consider whether someone is willing to support and care for you in the same way that you are for them. Ultimately, it's up to each individual to determine what they need and want in a relationship, and to communicate those needs clearly to their partner. When both people are committed to each other's well-being, that's when a relationship can truly thrive.
You left out an important part of marriage (I know you didn't mention the legal and religious thing.) One must consider the long term implications of one's actions, am I not right? So give me, him, her, you, them, a fucking break, life is short, make it easy and as fun as you can OMG reddit philosophy
That's tricky. It's not uncommon to suffer competitively in a relationship. Keeping a mental record of bitterness of "how much I've sacrificed". Bitterness rarely can be transformed to happiness.
In this case, they might not be worth it. We all suffer in one way or another. There's comfort in getting to choose what's worth it.
The wrong thing. Our society pushes that you should always put yourself second to be a good person, but the reality is it just makes you open to abusive relationships and employers.
If your family members bullies, manipulates, uses you, time to examine that relationship. Are they truly being caring?
can we set someone else in fire to keep ourselves warm?
Depend on the person
We call that recycling
go for it dude
As long as the cops never find out
Build a man a fire, he's warm for the night. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
New favorite phrase.
it's equally important to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. Burning out trying to help others is not sustainable and can ultimately do more harm than good. It's all about finding a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves, and knowing when to say no when we need to.
Beautifully said.
[удалено]
Yeah. Loyalty is earned and not just owed through blood. This isn’t clan warfare in the Dark Ages anymore. My stupider family members are a frustration I hear about through my mom sometimes, and it always reinforces my disinterest in interacting with them ever again.
It only took 30 years to figure that out lol FML At least I never have to see his face or hear his voice again.
i have multiple siblings with various mental/emotional problems never addressed by apathetic/hopeless/not caring parents.
My brother's homeless, addicted to drugs etc. I can't say that my dad didn't care, but I can say that he was looking for an excuse to write us off since the divorce. My brother was adopted, so he was easy to write off, and when I wouldn't dance like a puppet on strings, he wrote me off. I think about the hatred every day and I don't know what to do to stop it. I'm going to be getting new insurance next month so hopefully I can try some better therapy but Kaiser told me that my job needs to be at risk before I qualify. The hatred's eating me up and I don't know what to do
My man never played Dark Souls
Took me 35 years to figure this out and once I did, my life was 1000% less stressful.
Neither of my parents were allowed to come to my wedding. My family still came tho, and it was a blast.
It is up to us. Really. I have an amazing family that consists of my girlfriend, her son, my two kids, my ex wife and her new husband, two close friends, and one of my 5 siblings. How much more rich can life get? My sister, who sexually abused me as a child and humiliated me in front of her friends (she had substance abuse issues....Still does...) Ha stage 4 pancreatic cancer, and while I would never wish it on anyone....Even my abuser that took years to get over, it is nice not to feel guilty about not having to "come to Jesus" with her just because she is sick. Again, would never wish it on her or anyone, but a lot of peace comes from realizing who your real family is. :)
Learning what family is was one of the most important lessons I learned and it really does bring an enormous amount of peace. My best friend/best man/brother may not be blood but he was the only family I had for a long time, and I didn't even realize it. We've been friends since I was 13 and he was 23, and he still looks after me. I'd be lost without him lol. He taught me how to drive, helped me apply for college, tons of other milestones. He's more family than anyone I share blood with. And when I realized that, I realized I could expand my family. Now I've got a really close and REALLY solid family circle that I chose. Couldn't be happier.
Using religion as a means of manipulating someone into “forgiving” an abuser is cruel but unfortunately happens too often.
That's about my timeline, but let me tell you what happened when the addict/mentally ill person got to the point where they were out of other options and had abused everyone else. They moved to live near me and start leaching off me. And all the boundaries I drew were useless, when they camped homeless in a car in front of my house and told all my neighbors that I wouldn't help them. All the boundaries were useless when they followed me to the grocery store or to work, and started telling people there that I refused to help them. All the boundaries were worthless to the cops even, who picked them up off the street and brought them to me as "nearest kin". Don't make my mistake. When you cut them off, cut everyone they can get to you through, off too. Move, and don't let anyone know where you've gone. You have to lose your entire family, to get rid of the cancerous parts, and I can't tell you how much I wish I had.
I'm a survivor of years of physical and mental abuse, too. It took me 30 years to realize that I had to not only cut them off, but everyone they associated with as well. None of my "family" knows where I live anymore. I don't use social media anymore either. I'll spend the rest of my life healing. You're right.. it truly is the only way. Keep your head up. You aren't alone.
Is this happening now?
In a way. She’s in a care home and because I placed her there, I’m very much responsible fir her and subject to daily abuse from her. Plus have the burden of dealing with her financial problems including the fact that she can’t afford the care home. She’s no longer living with me though, so the situation is greatly improved
Oh dear. I hope that you find the strength to deal with such an unpleasant situation. It sound like you are a very strong person already. If it helps, I'll state the obvious "this, too, shall pass,"
Thanks.
Similar age and results here. I grew up believing it was normal. Love my family, but I’m happier thousands of miles away
It is amazing what you will believe when it is branded in your brain as a kid. We do not have to be our up-bringing.
I've been there before, sometimes those people you taught who would lift you up in times of odds. Are the people who would drowned you in a mod. Sad but true !
Sameeeeeee, I mean except for the exact numbers. Specifically, my life since has only been 991% less stressful.
I think I just figured this out 2 months ago and it's been very liberating. Still want to visit most of my family but I think I'm going to permanently cut out a select couple that have caused long lasting trauma in all 5 of my siblings and myself.
Just because it is blood does not mean it is family.
The blood of battle is thicker than the water of the womb
Family would lift you up not let you down, they would fully support you and not judging you !
Yes, that
That's why people feel closer with their friends or best friends than their family, you don't get to pick your family but you get to pick your friends.
Correction: you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friends nose.
Friends are like snowflakes they disapear when you pee on them
Cuz now they’re fwb
...sometimes.
You don’t have the right friends then
You could if you asked them very sweetly
I'd like to see you try and stop me!
You haven't tried hard enough?
Your biological family is the only one you don't get to choose, a family can also just be a group of really close friends! :D
“Blood is thicker than water” is actually a shortened (and inaccurate) version of the original: Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. So this isn’t just a few people who have noticed it, but was apparently a widely regarded truth for a time (before the phrase was mutilated)
That "original" is *significantly* newer.
Found family is the best family
Dan Savage always talks about your biological family and your logical family.
Now this, this is true
Varies by experience. I had a found family for a decade. They stabbed me in the back by continuously inviting my abusive ex girlfriend back to events and keeping her in the group. I had to leave them all behind and sometimes I still feel my heart broken over it.
Ah, but that is just another personal experience of plato’s the cave allegory. You know what to do. Realize they are chained to their situation, don’t try to convince them, go enjoy a sunset without thinking of them. When you do this you will find a new, better suited family
I have been searching for one.
Focus on yourself: gym, learn new stuff to broaden your career / create interesting possibilities for yourself, make an awesome post avec pics every morning focusing on how your creatively made your bed as soon as you woke up, meetup.com, hobbies, your hobbies are your friend, and when you are happy, others who do similar hobbies will be drawn to you like white on rice. F ‘trying to find people’. That is a sad road for codependent people who just want to manipulate others. You F’ing rock, be your own happy, self sufficient positivity guru, only do things that you know bring yourself joy, and if it don’t bring joy, then lose that person/activity/ or toy.
Love this.
You got this :) im gonna go kick ass at the DMV now, see if i can get one person to smile
Family can be only your pet or even a potted plant if you so damn wish. Exclude the ones who wish to hurt you, for good. Connection by blood means nothing but whose genes you share. Just throwing that out there.
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cycle-breaker with 4 daughters here. The last name dies with me, and that's oooookay. Hopefully the generational trauma does, too.
You know how the story goes right? Blood runs thicker than water- as in, the blood spilled in battle together runs thicker than the water shared in the uterus. ~~Actually how the saying goes funnily enough.~~
"Faction before blood"
Socrates, iz that u?
Blood relatives only relevance is potential medical history and predictions. Family is who treats you like family.
Agreed. But, if they cross beyond your borders then. There's something wrong with them.
Cut off connections with my birth mom when I was 13. She's been a drug addicted, alcoholic, prostitute since before I was born. She showed up to my thirteenth birthday high on benadryl. We had a Skype call and my sister and I gave her the choice of us or drugs. She chose drugs. My dad's dad's side of the family is the definition of creepy uncle and my dad's dad had a second secret family he didn't know about until he was an adult. Very neglectful. My step mom's mom is absolutely insane and we have a restraining order against her for threats towards us. We are not the problem. It is perfectly okay to cut out people in your life.
Family is who you go to, not who you come from.
Sometimes you need to let your blood family go. Too many people stay in abusive family relationships, without ever getting out. You deserve to be happy, get out!
I feel I could do it only if I'm somehow able to leave this country, because even though I'm staying in the same country (in a different state), they're still bugging me to move to a city closer to them. Sometimes I feel they only love me because I'm sending them money 🥲.
stop sending them money, block their numbers.
It's not that easy tho, especially in India. I was kind of looking into moving to a different country, maybe I need to work seriously towards that. My thinking is that If I somehow manage to make a very good amount of money for them then they'll be just fine.
No amount of money will ever be enough. Send them *just enough* while moving away, then cut contact. Otherwise you'll be in this situation for a long time. Hope you stay safe x
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and maple syrup is thicker than any blood
Even though they emotionally abused me for years and cause me suicidal thoughts?
The post is saying that you should cut anyone who hurts you from your family, I'm sorry to hear about your family troubles though
Can’t run away, still a student. I can only wait
Thanks
No problem, hope you are safe! Feel free to vent in my messages.
I learned I’m not depressed or bipolar my family just forgot to treat me with love growing up. It gets better and id never go back. Save half of all money you make 3k and a stable enough job making 1.5 times rent is all you really need to move out. Finding a place making less than 3x rent will be hard but it’s possible.
When someone pollutes your breathing space, find better air. If you don't you might suffocate. Been in a similar spot, managed to get out when I was 20. Got lucky with a somewhat janky solution, but it's paying off.
You get to choose which people are your family.
I went to a family counseling last week and he explained to me that taking care of myself and being happy comes before trying to help my family and that hit really hard
Amen to this. I am not a firm supporter of cutting ties if you can work through problems but I have also had to cut ties because the issues were too big and couldn't be fixed so I understand sometimes you have to.
People should stop with this kind of mindset. Family should protect you, not hurt you. If they decide to hurt you, it’s your decision to cut your relationship with them, it doesn’t matter if you are related or not.
Thankyou.
Like I've told people before: "Family is like an appendix; everyone's born with one, but when it fucks with your health, you cut it off."
My mom's side of the family has always been very close. She was one of ten kids so I had a ton of family on that side, and we saw each other all the time. We'd go to each other's houses but the main meeting spot was my grandparent's house. My grandma was the sweetest woman in the world, and my grandpa was a fairly typical sometimes grumpy, sometimes grumpy old man. Then as a teenager I found out he had abused my grandma, my mom, and all my aunts and uncles. In every way. I was furious. I was shocked to realize I was basically the last to know. He was dead to me from then on, but everyone else went on about how "he's still family." Not to me he wasn't. I did not shed a single tear when he died.
Not a fan of my blood relatives. Most turned out to be leaches.
Only Dom Toretto decides.
OMG I scrolled TOO FAR for this actual truth. FFS!
I, too, was reading this in Dom's voice.
I agree with that statement
I'm so sick of seeing films constantly show horrible neglectful/abusive family's and then at the end of the film/show all is forgiven because family values blah blah blah we all need family blah blah blah. A huge example recently is encanto, I love the film and it actually shows generational trauma well, but the reconciliation at the end is stupid, abuela was straight up controlling but that doesn't mean she was a bad person but you can still love someone and not be in their life if that relationship isn't healthy. That's the big production value kids Disney movie I want to see.
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Yep! I feel more familial love from my close group of friends than I ever have with my birth family
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Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. The family we make is better than the family we’re born with.
One of my brothers has been unbelievably cruel to me at every opportunity for the past 15 years because I'm transgender. He was recently diagnosed with "advanced cirrhosis of the liver with complications". **So I donated one of my livers to him.** *I know; I know* \- "People only have **one** liver." I was at Publix, and there was a sale on them - so I bought **two**... and had one of my livers sent to him, with a case of white wine.
Was it at least [a nice Chianti](https://youtu.be/SEQZiElLp-E) ?
No, Publix was out of Fava Beans.... I wish I could have seen his face when he realized what I had done... And I want to know, did he drink all that wine? (You ***know*** he did; a drunk is gonna drink, and by now, he "needs" alcohol in his system merely to feel "normal"...) Payback / Revenge... **is** a dish that tastes best, when it's cold...
Oh ye yesterday my parents used "We still have to work even if we're sick so we're teaching you about the real world" by being mad at me and shouting for literally being almost unable to walk cus i hadnt slept for 3 days cus i just couldnt fall asleep even with medication
The trailer for Mafia III said it best: "Family isn't who you're born to; it's who you'll die for."
My first job was at my uncle's pizza shop, my uncle was never there, but my older cousin was to run the shop. If someone, including me, messed up a pizza, he demanded we pay for it. He would berat and insult us in front of customers. He would steal our tips. He would laugh at us when we tried to buy something there for lunch and ended up not having enough money from the job he was running. He would be inappropriate with the underaged teenage girls there. I complained to my uncle who told me I was just misunderstanding what he was doing. Later I found corporate had already tried to talk to him about harassment complaints from his employees and he refused. He was arrested for assaulting his girlfriend. I complained about it to my parents and they just said they didn't want me to "make waves". I still see my parents, but I don't talk to that side of the family anymore and don't think I ever will.
My grandparents raised me. They gaslit me, probably unintentionally, my whole life. Their friend is a "prophet" and they would say all sorts of manipulative things to me. Had to burn a bunch of my toys as a kid. Even when I was an adult, they tried to convince me that on one call I was talking as multiple people and was mentslly ill. Told them to not ever contsct me again, didn't talk for years, started talking again. Now they are qanon nuts. Ever since Jan 4 when they said Trump will be reinstated but buy supplies cause it will get worse before better, I have't talked to then again. They value their weird conspiracies more than their own family. I ended up successful with a great family despite them, not because of. Their shit held me back 10 years butnonly got better when I cut them out. Cut out family if you need to.
Came from a horrible religious family that was going to force my wife and daughter to convert. It's been two years with no contact and I'm less stressed than I've ever been.
> all the descendants of a common ancestor. One of the definitions of family, so I sorta disagree. I just think you have no responsibility to stay in contact with family if they treat you like shit. Buuut, im just being pedantic here. Edit: I got that definition from Google. U think all descendants from Genghis Khan are one big family aswell, without knowing it? This definition brings up some questions haha. Last Edit: Genghis Khan is estimated to have 16 million descendants alive today. Thats one big family.
You can’t choose who family is, an the Genghis khan having 16 million descendants might be exaggerated.
Bad Santa 2 had a quote that has stuck with me. "If your family is a bag of dicks, fuck em, start over."
yoooo mf preeaaachhhhh. I am so tired of hearing "but they are your\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, you have to love them" no mf I dont! If they aren't here to help me succeed then they can get lost. different story for parents they should always love their kids but man I have seen kids ruin their parents lives too. Family does not have anything to do with blood.
But Vin Diesel…. Right?
As a wise person once said: if you have family, you don't need enemies
Me: This seems dark, how did this make it so far in wholesome memes? My SO: Protecting your mental health is wholesome!
And that is why I avoid my father’s family like the plague
I often hear people say blood is thicker than water but they don't realised that isn't the full quote. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" biological relations aren't what matter, it's about how people treat you, the people who truly care for you are your real family.
No it isn't. This is an oft repeated urban legend. The quote is "Blood is thicker than water" and it's over a millenia old. It used to mean blood is stronger than distances (water), but it has never meant the opposite. The "water of the womb" version was made up in the 1990s. Old phrases and quotes are allowed to be wrong or not true for everyone. Just cause there's an old phrase doesn't mean you have to support family who are terrible.
There's a reason "family" and "relatives" are separate words.
Family members are only people.
My wife's parents were...less than ideal. Her father died when she was young, then her mother abandoned her when she was in high school and started doing some hard drugs. So my wife was maybe 14 trying to parent a 9 year old. Long story short, her mom died and we went on a vacation using her bereavement time instead of going to the funeral.
If they won't treat you like family, don't forgive them like family.
See this is what my mom says when she asks me if she should give money to my dad’s family when they ask for it. “Family is family.” Nah mom, why would you want to give money to the people that constantly belittle you and talk behind your back when you don’t even talk to them? I’ve been able to convince her to not give anything.
Yea the people who squirted me out then told me to kms after 18 years ain’t my family.
My ex wife and her two sisters would defend family so much. Even after their mother on a nearly clock like work basis would pit them against each other. After one of the sisters beat up my ex wife because their mother said to. And when their mother took a swing at her son in law (not me) all while holding his kid. Also their father enabling the most entitled senses of self worth in each of them. I would tell her and then many times, you don't have to deal with this you know. Nope, family is everything. No matter how much they abuse you or each other and blah blah blah. Fuck that noise.
Man you mfs have some shitty families, now that i read those comments
I’ll NEVER understand people who think like this. I feel like family should be held to a higher standard, not lower.
How dafuq is this wholesome?
Because some people need to hear this. You may love your entire family, they are probably all great people, but this is not the case for many. Some people need to hear things like this to fully understand that they don't need to force a relationship with bad people simply because they're related to you.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Exactly. If someone is not good for you, don't be hesitant to cut contact. Sometimes that the best thing you can do
Fuck yeah!
family is heart, not blood
Totally agree with this. I prefer good friends over most of my family and won't put myself out for most of them. The only person in my family I've been able to rely on was my mum. She passed away in January, so now there's no real family ties for me left. Everyone else is too self-centered.
They say Blood is thicker than water But blood is made of water
>Only you get to decide who's family. No, who is family is a mutual agreement.
My parents divorced twice when I was a kid. The second time, I chose to live with my dad. He re-married someone a few months after the divorce was finalized. Came home from school one day and all of my earthly belongings were in a giant black garbage bag in my mom’s front sidewalk with a note on the door saying he had made a decision for me. He disappeared for two years after that, didn’t show up to my 8th grade graduation. He passed on 12/21/2018 after years of alcohol abuse, failed marriages, and neglect of his health. I did not want him to know his grandkids because of all the pain he caused my sisters and I.
Yea me and my brother despise each other, it makes it a little tougher to get together with the family but fuck it... I'll tell you what though the blade of a family member cuts twice as deep as a blade from n enemy.
I often get confused looks from my friends when ai tell them they have absolutely no obligation to love their family members just because they were born to them. Respect and love are things that should only be given to those that you can trust won't use them against you as weapons. Then they see that my relationship with my family is actually pretty good. I do love them and I do trust them, because I know they aren't going to use those things to hurt me. They're used to these opinions coming from people who don't get along with their family as a justification for that, and thought maybe that these were excuses rather than the truth. But it's not just an excuse, I have a family that is worthy of that trust, and they extend that same trust and love to my friends. But many of them have parents that would use it as weapons and in my opinion those parents don't deserve the family they have. Being the asshole that I am I will take their family. They will be my family now
Abusers don’t have to be part of your family anymore.
i've said more secrets to strangers rather than to my family...
"Is that family of yours?" "No, other branch"
r/adopted
Family is a choice, Not a blood type.
"The Blood of Brothers is thicker than the Waters of the Womb"
family is a social thing. you don’t owe anyone anything just because they’re related to you. blood =/= family
Family is a feeling and a bond; blood is only a starting point but not one that you have to keep—don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
The fact is true, but the fact that they are family doesn't mean you need to have them a part of your life
"so it's alright if I beat you to a pulp, you know, because family is still family"
Im not gonna tell my fucked up life story cause I know yall ain't gonna read it but D A M N R I G H T.
Why does everyone here hate their family?
I'd guess because that's what the post is about My parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings are just fine but I don't really have any reason to comment that. The post is referring to people who don't have that good of a situation with their family
People who don't hate their families don't speak up, because there's nothing to speak up about.
Not everyone has great families, between mental health issues, physical/verbal/mental abuse, etc... Most people would rather be stress free than deal with a mess of ungrateful people. Just my take tho.
Not everyone does of course, and I'm glad for people who have good family relationships. A lot of people here are speaking about their experience because they were invited to.
my fam is protecting my pedo brother who hurt my little sister.....and they tried to say we were insane for reporting him...
I agree, but I wouldn't call this exactly "wholesome". In fact there's nothing wholesome with leaving your family because they hurt you. So many posts on this sub do not have that wholesome "tone" even if they may be right
This is the hill I will die on. After building my church here.
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Just because you were lucky and your family cares about you doesn't mean everyone have family like that.
A lot of us don't have that kind of family.
My father didn’t give me life, my brothers have different mothers and fathers, and my aunts/uncles come in all skin colors. My family is my family. Good post
Pets>family, the most hurtful thing my dog did to me was bite my ear a bit too hard when we were rough housingng
Huge difference between your family and your relatives.
There’s only one person in my family who I still consider to be family
Nope, sorry. Family is just a bunch of people who feel/act like they have a right to do or say anything to you just because they're related to you.
A biological dad is still just the biological dad. My neighbour have been more dad and we count him as family.
Let's see your dad throw you through a wall at 3 am and still say you love him. That's not even scratching the surface of my experience with that subhuman shitstain. Sorry responding to the note.
My mother-in-law disowned my spouse for leaving the church. Fun for the whole family!
I feel sorry brainwashed by the people who believe this. Im so much happier without any of my family. I have my family and its 2 children, a husband and 2 cats!
I hate my fucking family.
Like seriously, fuck those guys
It's so interesting to me seeing how each culture treats family differently.
Thanks, OP. I really needed to read this today.
*YEET* About 1 weeks after makes men attacked our home (or them lacked a white van out front, piled out in balaclavas and kicked down a door. They beat my mother and held her current boyfriend up against the wall with a knife. This would be my earliest and most vivid childhood memory.) My sister, technically a half sister as we had different father's but shared a mother and had grown side by side like full siblings, well... After we had fled our home overnight and spent nights couch hoping as a family, my sister disappeared. This was significant to me because when the bad men came. She a was 5, I was 2 or maybe 3, she had the gumption to immediately see the threat and get me and my brother put the window I can see it as clear as a photo, the view of the van from the window, mother covered in blood and a blade against her throat, her partner beaten to a pulp on the floor and my darling sister jumped to action and got us to climb out to safetywhere we screamed and screamed about mother being dead. We left that house under cover of darkness that night. Begged stays on sofas a while. A week after my sister disappeared. My mother never explained anything beyond "she was stolen" So naturally our minds equated those masked men and the attack to her being gone and I have feared vans my whole life She was never kidnapped or stolen. The attack on our home had to do with a drug debt.my sisters father saw she had trauma from it, claimed custody and just kept her go. She never attempted to keep us in touch. I now know the lie. Needless to say my children do not know my own mother
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb.
Family doesn’t end with blood, but it doesn’t start there either.