Do you think she’s depressed?

Yeah definitely sounds like depression. Just from the message posted it seems like she definitely has the following symptoms Weight gain Over eating trash food Lack of interest in things that once were enjoyable. (Fitness)

She could even have a thyroid problem, or some other medical condition. She needs a doctor visit.

People change. Marriage is all about finding how to navigate changes together. If you can’t do that it’s already over

So much this. Things don't stay the same. But it seems like you're totally not okay but the change. If you're miserable, that doesn't make you a jerk. But you do need to realize things are not always going to be exactly the same.

She doesn't have dementia/cancer. Her weight gain is something she can control. Doesn't even have to work out, just eat less. Our bodies cannot generate their own food. You'll notice there's no vow that covers weight gain. One for health, one for wealth, none for eating too much.

It’s not actually that simple. Just “Eating less” often doesn’t work just f’s metabolism and you end up not getting enough nutrients. Hormones/age wreck it too It is extremely difficult to get all the necessary nutrients to be healthy on a 1600 calorie diet. If you just eat less you can do significant harm. It IS a health component

> Just “Eating less” often doesn’t work As a personal trainer and someone that's successfully dieted down to sub5% bodyfat, this is beyond bullshit. I'm sick of hearing this come out of people's mouths when they know fuckall about dieting. Variation in your metabolism accounts for fuckall unless you're literally taking DNP. Variation in your hormones primarily accounts for modulating your hunger levels, water retention and energy levels. Your resting metabolism, not counting physical activity, may as well not change at all and accounts for like 70-90% of your caloric need depending on your activity level. The other 25% is physical activity. "Hormone fluctuating metabolism" is not a thing. It can make you feel like shit but it does not physically make your food have more energy in it, it does not make you absorb more energy from the food, and it does not make you magically burn more calories. Indirectly, they can have an effect on weightloss by making you FEEL more energetic which makes you move more. There is basically nothing "metabolism" does that cannot be overcome with willpower unless you're literally trying to get on-stage at a bodybuilding competition.

Metabolism absolutely does change as you age, it’s gradual and very small yoy, mostly seen post 55, but it’s real and adds up in end. Hormones absolutely do have an impact on weight management. Sorry I may have worded it imperfectly, but it absolutely plays a role.

Not eat less things, smaller portions. Instead of 4 slices of pizza, have just one. Instead of 2 cans of Coke, take a mouthful just to wash the food down. Takes discipline but that's all it takes. Changing to a more nourishing diet is a different discussion.

Nope. I’ve literally done a 1400-1600 calorie a day diet multiple times, just less doesn’t work. No soda, definitely no pizza, my god you are incredibly out of touch.

To be clear, she bears all responsibility for fucking up the relationship here because gaining a ridiculous amount of weight and ceasing all sexual contact are dealbreakers for pretty much everyone.

Those downvotes are very Reddit

oh you don't think it's kind to your partner if you totally change your body composition and don't service the one fucking need that they're not allowed to get anywhere else? Insanely problematic. Misogynist. What an incel comment you just made.

Learn to read, spitfire. I agree with your comments. I was referring to the downvotes. Calm your tits. I’m a Bettina Arndt fan (look her up on YouTube, she’s great, although she might be banned), and I think intimacy and effort are part of the ‘marital contract’. Edit: not an incel 😂

I meant that as satire lol. we're making fun of the same people

[удалено]

I’d like to know why these people are being downvoted ? I kind of agree but would like to understand what they said wrong. I wouldn’t expect someone to stay with me that wasn’t getting any intimacy AND if I had put on 40lbs ? Not tryna be judgemental just curious

First of all sex isn’t a right. You are never entitled to it, only fidelity of that’s the agreement. Any attitude that thinks of it as a need or owed is an immediate turn off, predator red flag. Oftentimes reduced interest in sex is actually directly related to the person who wants it not being desirable by their own actions, but they never own up to it or have any self awareness. Lots of demands/harassment, blaming other person while they’ve actually been awful and are clueless. It gets exhausting. Especially when these same people complain about partner weight as being unattractive. They’re slamming why their partner is less attractive while still clueless all the ways they may be- hint it’s not just physical, communication, contributions, etc. are all huge attractiveness indicators. Other times people just do not want sex. Not wanting sex is 100% as valid but it’s not treated as such. Some people are just incompatible but the person who wants sex typically puts their want as more important, as the one in the “right” to want it over not wanting it. It’s…disgusting. It’s ok to admit when incompatible and approach it as such, communicate, but not finger pointing at less sexually interested as always the blame. Also, frankly libidos change- that’s natural. If no one is ever going to be important enough to you for a reduction to be ok, you need to own communicating that. Weight also fluxes, women have hormonal reasons that men never have to deal with. I maintain a 135 weight, used to be 125 for years but same diet stopped working as hormones changed. But for me to cut just food and have any results would look like a 1200 calorie diet, which does not give enough nutrients so be severely unhealthy. Too many talk about weight with no actual understanding of it and that is definitely gonna be a turn off to your partner I am all for recognizing if people aren’t compatible, no fault, it just is. Communicate healthily and if needed, part ways. It’s when people place blame, no ownership for own actions, think own desires as superior, nah. That goes YTA real quick

>First of all sex isn’t a right. You are never entitled to it, I get what you're saying, but 1). Virtually everyone needs sex with other humans in order to live a happy and fulfilled life. It's incredibly disingenuous to act like that's not the case. 2). This is within the context of a monogamous relationship where you're literally not allowed to fuck other people even if your partner isn't fucking you. This takes your comment from like mildly naive to over-the-top delusional

No, you can go without. I get wanting it, but you can absolutely go without. You still do not get to cheat. You *can* seek communication therapy to resolve the underlying causes or break up on grounds of incompatibility if there aren’t any that can be addressed The only thing unreasonable is the tendency to think the person not wanting sex has something wrong with them and it’s absolutely their fault or their problem to solve. If someone used to want it and now doesn’t, probably very good reasons why that the partner is apart of.

>You still do not get to cheat. no if your partner demands a monogamous relationship and they also refuse to fuck you for months at a time you 100% get to cheat dude. Fuck out of here with this "nobody NEEDS to get their junk wet" bullshit. You don't really believe that.

Nope. You can be a responsible adult and end the relationship. You don’t get to keep it and cheat.

It's because le reddit believes that women can never do any wrong. If a woman fucks up and it destroys a relationship it's "people growing apart and it just fizzled" if a dude did something like this he'd 100% be a monster loser misogynist pig leech that's just sucking away her energy, permitting her to run off and either cheat on him or line up a new relationship so she can dump him and move in with someone else within 24 hours. You cannot tell me I'm wrong. Every single fucking thread goes like this.

Look, if you aren't happy you can go. As much as it may hurt her, you shouldn't stay in an arrangement that makes you unhappy and she should be free to find someone who loves her as she is. Only you know how deeply the issue affects you and if you can live with it.

\>Also, when I say she gained weight, I mean \~30-40lbs.. like.. substantial. Oh dear...Yes, that's a good amount, but please don't act like she's the next cast member of my 600lb life. I think you need to take a few steps back from this and try a new approach. Right now I'm hearing "she's fat, I need more sex." Ok...your needs aren't being met, but how are you approaching these 'discussions' with your wife. If it's "do me more/eat less ice cream!" it may be making her shrink deeper into her shame/embarassment over the situation. She's probably feeling a good amount of pressure right now to be a certain way. Some of us rise to that challenge, others fall apart. If she lost her job during COVID, that's a pretty tough ego blow as well and it could be further contributing to her esteem issues. Consider couples counseling to find communication that works. Consider finding activities you can do together to bond again. I understand you need physicial intimacy to feel loved, but maybe take the pressure down just a notch before jumping to divorce. You two made very serious vows to one another and this is just a pothole to navigate.

I hear you, and yes, we've been to counseling 3 separate times. We stopped going because the therapist suggested we read the Love Languages book together, but she balked at that, saying the author was "just a Christian man wanting women to stay in bad marriages". And she didn't lose her job, she quit. She said she was miserable at it, so I told her I could float us until she found something else, no biggie. That took 18 months (due to Covid). And ever time I've brought up the conversation, it starts along the lines of me asking her if we can talk about some feelings/issues I've been having, and going from there, describing how I still feel lonely in the relationship, etc. I'm not the one that's ever said "you need to work out more/eat less ice cream" .. its her saying she's self-conscious about the way she looks still so I'm offering to help her in that area since I know so much about it ONLY in an effort to make her feel good about herself. That's all I care about.. creating a positive change in her life so just *feels* better, more confident, and happier. But I'm at a cross-road because I know I can't *make* her do ANYTHING.. nor do I even want to.

Try not suggesting to help her lose weight. That track is worn out and probably painful. Don’t talk about the weight. Or health. Talk about helping her feel better psychologically, desirable, cared for. She doesn’t want to read the book but you can. And you can figure out her love language pretty easily - just ask her to rank a gift, act of service , touch etc in prefer of importance to her. See a therapist on your own. She probably is depressed. If she wasn’t at first she probably is by now. This needs to be resolved. If she doesn’t want therapy she can try short term medication. Maybe a vacation or weekend away to reconnect emotionally. It’s clear you love her unconditionally and that is wonderful to see. Try to make her feel that without expecting her to ever change. She’s probably stressing out over feeling unattractive to you. Good luck.

"It’s clear you love her unconditionally" ....really? It's not clear at ALL to me, and I would guess not to his wife either.

So I can relate to your wife. I started college at 5’5” and 140 pounds, met my partner first week, and we’ve been together for about a decade now. I ended up gaining nearly a hundred pounds in college, between eating poorly and being too stressed and busy to work out. I ended up losing it after college, and I’m back to my old self, so I’m gonna run through what I appreciated about my partner’s approach and what helped me in the end, plus what would’ve helped sooner. First of all, my partner never once brought up my weight or working out or anything like that independently. Never ever. I made comments about myself but he never said anything beyond “if you end up going to the gym I’ll come” when I mentioned working out, or offering to try a diet with me if I expressed interest. I appreciated this so much, because I knew I was heavy, and I knew I wasn’t exactly looking like the girl he fell in love with. But, he loved me for me, and never once made me doubt that. It was CRITICAL to me feeling good enough to keep up our sex life without feeling awful about myself. Second, my partner made me feel desirable and wanted. Not by trying to have sex with me all the time, but by doing other things for me. Making me feel cared about, loved; buying us dinner, buying my favorite snacks; getting me a new video game he knew I wanted; showering together; little things that made me feel close to him and appreciated. When it came to food, I was always happy as hell that he didn’t make me feel bad even accidentally. He never went to the store without picking up one of my favorites. You say she eats ice cream all the time and it bothers you because she isn’t trying to lose weight; have you ever bought her ice cream for her? It sounds like it could be counterproductive but you’d be surprised how tiny affirmations like that help her overall self esteem and make her feel less like she’s being judged for her choices. Now, on to what I wish someone said to me or helped me with: I was probably depressed when I gained that weight. While gaining weight alone isn’t always depression related, a lot of the other signs you’ve mentioned, like her self consciousness and wanting to quit her job and not enjoying intimacy, sound like they could be related to depression. And frankly it is so fucking hard to get out of that rut once you’re in it. If she isn’t in therapy on her own right now, I think you should probably be more honest with her about how these problems are impacting your marriage, and suggest individual therapy for you both as well as couples therapy again. She needs to talk to someone and get their opinion on her feelings, but it can’t be you. Now here’s the part you won’t wanna hear: you’ve been together for 5 years and it sounds like your sex life died or started to die after 4 months in. You chose to marry her anyway, as she is, after she gained weight. You should have never married her if you were just hoping she would change. She might not be that into sex at the end of the day, with or without the weight gain and potential depression. She might not lose the weight at the end of the day. You should’ve considered those points before marrying her, because now you’re in a bad spot.

Yes yes and yes, I can relate to her as well. I'll just add that it can sometimes be difficult to find the right therapist and that's especially frustrating when you're already depressed.

I hope OP reads this. I think you want things to be better for both him and his wife, and you are spitting facts

Your commitment to understanding and helping your wife shines through, as does your pain from feeling alone within the marriage. It's clear that you've both faced your fair share of challenges, and it sounds like you've been making considerable efforts to bridge the gap. The two major points that stand out are the therapy experience and the job situation: ***Counseling:*** Therapy is a unique journey and sometimes requires finding the right professional fit. It's essential that both partners feel comfortable and receptive to the therapeutic process. If the Love Languages approach wasn't well-received, perhaps a different therapy style or therapist might be more effective. There are countless methods, frameworks, and approaches to couples therapy. It might be worth exploring a therapist with a different approach, such as cognitive-behavioral, attachment-based, or even sex therapy if the lack of intimacy is a significant concern. ***Her employment situation:*** Quitting a job because of unhappiness takes courage. It's a significant life change, and even with your support, the process of readjusting, especially during a pandemic, can be fraught with feelings of inadequacy, loss of identity, and uncertainty. These feelings can manifest in various ways, including low self-esteem and a decreased desire for intimacy. Your approach to her physical health seems grounded in genuine care and concern for her well-being, not just superficial appearances. It's essential, however, to ensure she understands your motives. Sometimes, even well-intentioned offers to help can come across as pressure or dissatisfaction. At this juncture, it's vital to remember that while you cannot control or change her actions, you can control your response and approach. Here are some recommendations: ***Re-frame the conversation:*** Instead of focusing on physical health or appearance, maybe shift the discussion to emotional well-being and happiness. Ask open-ended questions about her feelings, fears, aspirations, and dreams. Sometimes, understanding the underlying emotional needs can help in addressing broader issues in the relationship. ***Self-care:*** As you navigate this difficult period, ensure you're taking care of your emotional and mental health. Reach out to friends, engage in activities you love, and consider individual therapy to help process your feelings and navigate potential decisions. ***Patience and boundaries:*** While patience is vital, it's equally important to establish boundaries for your well-being. It might be helpful to set a timeline for yourself—a period where you give things your all, but with the understanding that if no improvement occurs, you might need to reconsider the relationship's future. ***Reconnect:*** Remember the joyous moments, the shared laughter, the adventures, and the love. Sometimes, stepping back from daily stressors and revisiting those moments can reignite the spark. Dig deep and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place. Lastly, remember that love is a partnership. For it to flourish, both partners must be willing to work, adapt, and grow. Your concerns are valid, as are hers. It's the shared journey towards understanding and compromise that can help bridge the gaps.

Thank you GPT-4. ​ Is it just me, or are these GPT generated texts very easy to tell? It's hard to really describe the exact feeling I get every time I read them, but it definitely feels similar to "uncanny valley" type of deal. very creepy.

Sorry, I neglected to address the "substantial" piece : when we started dating she was 5'2" & \~120.. so 40lbs is an extra 30%, which is substantial on such a small frame. Again, I don't really even care about that from a "visual" perspective, but that can wreak havoc on your health long-term, so that's what my ultimate concern is, just getting her back to a place where she feels good about herself and her overall self-esteem.

I've been replying to this thread a lot because it's hitting close to home. I've been through something very similar. When I met my wife she was 5'3" 115ish. She was a model and a bartender. An absolute smokeshow. As the years passed, we had some kids and she had gained about 40 pounds. Which like you said, on a small frame, is a lot. We ended up in essentially the same spot as you are (well I never considered divorce). Her self confidence dropped. Sex dried up. I thought I was being helpful, but really I was making it worse. We saw a marriage counselor every 2 weeks for a year. We grew to understand that my efforts to help were making her feel worse and putting pressure on her. Turns out feeling pressure to lose weight from your spouse isn't the greatest motivator. I backed off and stopped trying to help her lose weight. She's lost about 20 pounds I think. She's never going to be the 25 year old with abs again but she looks good and we're happy.

Has she been screened for depression? Quitting her job, low self esteem, lack of motivation in some areas, maybe she's got something going on. I agree with you that you can't make her do anything and it seems that she's shutting down on you pretty hard, which is frustrating and unproductive. Maybe it's a case like another poster said that talking about the issue too much just made his wife too stressed over it, but it sounds like you've also backed off on it. Maybe have wife go to solo counseling to figure out her piece in this and what would help her move forward to have a happy, healthy marriage? Does she understand that you're nearing a breaking point with the lack of communication and teamwork? I've been married almost 20 years now and all marriages are going to have their ups and downs. To make it work there really has to be good communication and an willingness to work through it.

If she'll agree to an evaluation to see if there are any other issues at play it could be very helpful to determining where you two go from here. As someone with Massive Depressive Disorder, I can say with absolute confidence that depression *could be* an active issue in your relationship. In the end tho, if she isn't willing to work to save your marriage, why should you?

Okay so you met your wife when she was 27 and 120 pounds, and at 32 she is now 160 pounds...idk that just doesn't seem to be as substantial as you are making it out to be. Women have more of a tendency to gain weight as they age from their twenties into their 30s for various reasons like a slower metabolism or loss of muscle mass.Also by extra 30% do you mean like BMI? Because BMI is now considered inaccurate and misleading. I think you should focus more on her mental health, and less on her losing that weight. If she's happy she might make changes and achieve that on her own. But she could also start feeling good about her self at this new weight, and not lose 40 pounds. Would you be okay with that? Or would the 40 pounds still be too substantial?

Oh stop with this BMI is misleading thing. It is only misleading if you have a substantial amount of muscle(and I mean a SUBSTANTIAL amount). For regular people it works exactly as intended. Also the metabolism loss into your 30's or even 40s is almost nothing(since you probably wont believe me: [https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.abe5017](https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.abe5017) ), its mostly that people stop exercising and start eating/drinking more. As for op, I think he has to think about what he wants from his marriage. Does he want somebody that he can be a super active duo with to constantly hike, work out, etc. Does he want somebody that he loves to talk to, etc. etc.. Because while a long grace period of years should be given to somebody that you love so much. At some point you cannot stay in a marriage that you dont want to be in and stay married to somebody that you wouldnt have married. But dont just give up on your loved one too easily and try your absolute best to work out problems/find another way to be happy together.

Sorry it actually doesn’t work for a whole lot of people. I’m chubby now. But….I graduated high school at 5-8, 200, 31” waist and a 46” chest. I wasn’t ripped like six pack cut and ripped, but was toned and in shape. That is obese in a BMI. I assure you, you would not have described me as obese. I was in shape, played sports, looked good. It isn’t just from a “SUBSTANTIAL” amount of muscle. If you don’t have a slighter (or average at most) build as a white male, you are gonna easily be overweight or obese (while very much in shape) on a BMI. Heck. BMI is currently being debunked as a measure of health at all for its crudity and poor measuring abilities - https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/bmi-a-poor-metric-for-measuring-peoples-health-say-experts/

You are delusional if you think being 90kg at 1.7m in height is healthy and that you were toned. Im 1.8m and at 80kg's im getting pretty fat, and I have considerably more muscle mass than the average guy. So unless you have an insanely broad frame you are just underestimating how much fat you were packing. Honestly so many people are overweight nowadays that what people consider to be a healthy weight is going up more and more. And yes ofc BMI isnt the end all be all of measuring health, neither is weight or fat%. But it gives a good indication where you are at and if you are pretty overweight(28+) or even obese you should lose weight for health reason's(its not like your heart cares if it is muscle or fat). What you think looks good doesnt actually matter.

Imagine having the brass balls to tell someone you’ve never seen they are delusional. Believe what you wish. Yes, I was 17, and toned. We aren’t all built like delicate little flowers with no ass, small rib cages, and narrow shoulders. Which is exactly why BMI is bunk, it was based on physiology of a subset of white males and no one else (and I am a white male that breaks it). 15” spread from waist to chest is broad shoulders, but not insanely so, and that’s what I was. I put waist and chest there for a reason, and if you don’t even realize that is a broad shoulder, you shouldn’t even be having this conversation. My buddy redshirted a division one school as a tight end. 6-4, 250 going in. Three sport athlete in high school, scouted from the time he was a junior, trained hard. “Overweight” on a BMI scale. The college coaches, professionals, built him a nutrition and workout program. Walked out 285 after first season and ripped. Guess what. Better shape than he was ever in, now “obese”. BMI is bunk for an awful lot of people out there.

>the author was "just a Christian man wanting women to stay in bad marriages". If she's seriously giving you this type of complaint, there is no relationship anywhere that she'll be able to hold down. Just lose her dude. she's not just going to drain you but every single dude that comes after you too.

Don't have kids, until this is all figured out. She sounds full of excuses.

That sounds like depression. Talk with her and suggest counseling. Your relationship isn’t healthy and you’ll eventually resent each other. Try to get the woman you love back to the happy person you fell in love with.

That shouldn’t be his job, though. She has a responsibility to keep HERSELF happy, and she needs to put 100% into this marriage too. This is just enabling her destructive behavior. She needs to make an effort. ANY effort. OP is already at his wit’s end.

Depression is an illness. Telling her to not be depressed isn’t going to help. Getting her to counseling, and possibly medical help, is his best bet to save their relationship.

There is no indication she is depressed, though. She doesn’t indicate there is a problem with him having a problem, other than him talking to her about it. SHE claimed ‘bodily insecurities’ for her lack of wanting intimacy, but does nothing to alleviate those, since lack of intimacy is only a problem for OP. I don’t think she is depressed, or even unhappy.

>I (38M) met the love of my life (32F). I feel like we see a lot of posts from both men and women who have been married to the love of their life for a handful of years, and now wants to divorce the love of their life because because of this or that. It must be me who clearly doesn't understand what "love of my life" means these days.

Right! It’s depressing how easily someone is willing to throw away the love of their life. A lot of this hit close to home for me. I went from very active pre-pandemic to gaining almost 50 lbs from when my ex-boyfriend met me — first 20 slowly, next 30 rapidly. So what happened? He left me for another girl. I lost 40+ lbs over the next 6 months, and I’m currently (over 1.5 years later) still down 40 lbs, and extremely active, more than I even was pre-pandemic. So, why was I able to lose the weight so easily and keep it off after my boyfriend left? Who knows. It is entirely possible my weight gain was a combination of the circumstances of being in a relationship (like eating together), COVID (no doubt a factor when I lost the activity I was passionate about), and possibly some emotional eating as an irrational reaction to comments he made about what/how much I ate and/or him starting to treat me worse when he found someone he wanted instead of me. Likely, all of the above. People are complicated. But I say this to emphasize that things could still change, your current issues could be temporary. Like I said, took me just 6 months to go from an obese body fat to a fitness level body fat. INFO: Have you given her any reason to think her change in her eating and exercise might affect your attraction to her? Going to guess you have, meaning that her insecurity over sex isn’t entirely in her head. Related, I can tell you that sharing with her any opinions about what she eats or how she exercises can be very counterproductive. I recognize that leaves you with nothing to do about the issue. So we’re back to the question of how easily are you willing to give up the love of your life? Factoring in that it’s obviously better to leave before you have children if you’re going to.

First and foremost, conversations like these are never easy. And sharing them with people online when you feel you have nowhere else to go is even harder still. It's evident that you're experiencing pain, anxiety, and confusion, and it's brave to seek insight on such an intimate issue. To the core of your question: You are not an a-hole for having feelings. They are yours and they are valid. However, remember that feelings are just one piece of the puzzle; it's how we act upon them and the choices we make that matter. Marriage, like any profound relationship, is a garden. And like any garden, it requires consistent care, nurturing, and love. At times, the garden flourishes, and at other moments, it might wither. But both of these states are temporary, and what truly matters is the commitment of the gardener. Now, onto the situation you've painted. One crucial aspect to consider is that your wife's behavior and self-image issues might have deeper roots than just the weight gain. The physical manifestation of her weight gain could very well be the tip of an iceberg that delves deeper into emotional or psychological challenges she's facing. Remember, just as your anxiety is real and overwhelming, so too are her struggles. It's also important to note that physical appearances and habits do change over time, as life circumstances, personal challenges, and age can affect one's physique and lifestyle choices. Loving someone means being prepared for and embracing change, in all its forms. Yet, you are not wrong for longing for the intimacy and connection that was once a cornerstone of your relationship. Intimacy is a vital part of any romantic relationship, and its absence can indeed create a void. That said, successful marriages are built on more than just physical intimacy. They require deep understanding, unwavering support, and a willingness to work through challenges as a united front. Remember why you fell in love with her in the first place. Those initial sparks - her intelligence, shared passions, the way you clicked - those are still very much alive. They're the seeds from which your garden grew. Now, in the face of adversity, it's time to water those seeds again. Consider seeking couple's therapy. An experienced professional can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and concerns, and work together to find solutions. They can help navigate the complexities and intricacies of love, intimacy, and marriage, guiding you both towards a happier, healthier relationship. In the end, every marriage has its peaks and valleys. The beauty lies in traversing them together, hand in hand, remembering the love that brought you two together in the first place. Remember the garden. With time, patience, and consistent effort, you can watch it bloom once more.

Thanks TherapistGPT

You are NTA for your Feelings. However; I beg of you, pay attention to the way you are bringing it up. She probably has some unmet needs herself. It seems that she is coping in an unhealthy/ self sabotage manner. Love her and try to get to the root of the problem

I 45f was so fit when I was younger. Then I started putting in weight. I had PCOS. Got married. Lost a bit of weight . Put more back on due to a back injury. Then over 10 years of my marriage, all I heard from my partner was ‘eat less do more’. I already ate less so I tried keto and IF. Nothing worked. Kept gaining weight. Bunch of miscarriages etc so could never have kids. Doctors would fob me off with admonishments to lose weight. Turns out I had everything short of cancer wrong with my uterus and ovaries. Has a hysterectomy and instantly lost that bulky tummy. Maybe there is something physically not okay with your wife. Help her through it. Push for tests etc. as someone who was penalised for something I couldn’t control, I cannot begin to tell you how destructive this energy is from someone who has sworn to love you no matter what. It could be mental or emotional. Once you’ve exhausted all the options, if things still don’t change - then leave. You may love her insanely, but you and she will both resent each other bitterly eventually.

The big difference between you and OP’s wife is, that you were making ALL the effort. She is not.

So you can't talk with her, she has no plans on changing or working in any way, and you are miserable. Seems like it's time

Yep, it’s over. Has been for a while.

OP, has your wife been evaluated by an endocrinologist or competent medical authority in weight loss? She may be having hormonal or other medical issues that make it almost impossible to lose the weight. I spent many years trying to lose weight and failing, or succeeding snd then failing, and gaining all the weight lost back, plus some. A good medical professional would be able to check for a wide range of issues and possibly recommend medication to help. I know that the meds made all the difference for me, turning off the food noise in my head and allowing me to stop the emotional eating.

Weight loss is thermodynamics, even a hormone issue can’t break the laws of the universe. Sitting on the couch eating ice cream isn’t a hormone problem

Yeah... hormones, thyroid, and various other conditions CAN prevent weight loss if they aren't managed.

No, they can make it more difficult. They can’t prevent it, otherwise you have created an infinite source of free energy. Please don’t talk about things you know nothing about. If I asked you what hormones or pituitary gland secretions created insulin resistance and how it worked physiologically you’d have no idea.

It makes sense for her to get checked out. Her sitting on the couch eating ice cream could be related to depression—and she could be stress eating due to any number of things. Along with weight gain, depression is a symptom of hypothyroidism, which is a hormone imbalance.

Some people are just lazy. Not everything has a medical crutch to lean on

Ofc you get downvoted, but you’re 100% right

Ok_hat, you are missing the point. A qualified medical professional, especially one who specializes in weight loss, could help OP 's wife come up with a plan to help her, thermodynamics and calorie deficit included. Sometimes the psychology of losing weight especially with the feeling of being deprived from comfort foods like ice cream are overwhelming. Will power can only do so much for so long when emotions are also involved.

There are some weird ass people commenting on this thread. Bottom line, you have the right to a fulfilling relationship that you are looking for, incluidng physical and emotional intimacy. You do not have any obligation to suffer beause someone has decided to let go. You don't have to go to the nth degree as some people are suggesting. Physical intimacy is a key element to any relationship. My advice is be honest with her about all of this and tell her you are going to make a hard choice, but one that is best for you and in the long run, for her as well.

They're married, not dating. Some of us take marriage vows very seriously and believe you should exhaust all options before reporting to a divorce.

What else is it you think he should try?

She should make an equal effort. Good marriages require daily effort and upkeep from both spouses. It’s never a one-way street.

But it's OP that wants a 1 way street. He gets to decide how every aspect of their lives is handled. He goes to the gym 5 days a week so she has to do the same? What if she starts learning a new language? Does he have to? What if she starts taking online university courses? Does he have to?

Weird flex. She used to like that too, and then she suddenly didn’t and started stuffing her face, which OP doesn’t mind, but the wife uses it as an excuse not to be intimate. Nowhere does it state OP wants her to do the exact same things as him. He’s not happy in the marriage, and she doesn’t care. Sounds one way to me.

> Weird flex What? I don't think you know what that means. > He’s not happy in the marriage, and she doesn’t care Sounds like she isn't happy either and OP only cares about how it effects him.

The difference is: he’s willing to do something about it, she is not.

He has. She refused to participate in the couple's counseling and make any steps. Marriage is compromise and meeting each other; she refused to meet him. The marriage has been dead because of her

repeat swim support rotten sugar illegal person heavy glorious quack *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

As opposed to the bliss of getting married and divorced several times and never actually having a real marriage?

Also, for the comments questioning my motives behind staying in shape, etc. - my uncle died very early in his life from heart complications due to his weight. He had 4 open heart surgeries in the last 7 years of his life, one of those being a quadruple bypass. He literally ate himself to death and his passing destroyed my dad since they were close.. so yeah, I'm choosing to live an active, healthy lifestyle due to that major life experience because I don't want my own family feeling that way about me.

Good for you man, my mom ate herself to death and it was not at all pretty and extremely painful for all people involved.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Watching that happen to youtuber Asmongold was an eye opener.

So, you don't love her. Yes, break up. People change over time. If you're not willing to go through the ups and downs with this person, then they're not the one for you. Nta

The answer.

NTA. I had a similar issue as, to my surprise, more than a few of my friends. During the pandemic, for different reasons, we found ourselves in devolved relationships where we’re being caregivers to partners who have seemingly regressed and withdrawn. Not taking care of themselves, their portion of chores, or tending to the emotional/physical relationship. Your partner isn’t meeting your needs. You’ve communicated to the best of your ability. Now is the time to let her know that you really want things to work, and you’re willing to work together, but if it doesn’t change you’ll have to go.

I am in your position but have children and we have been together so long at this point that the only ethical or moral course of action for me is to ride it out and try to be a good husband. When we started dating she was 140’s not skinny but also not fat think voluptuous every thing in the right places. No rolls or cellulite and she was an absolute firecracker in the sack. She is 180 now with a pretty pronounced belly. The sex has dried up quite a lot lucky to get it maybe 1-2 times a month. If I were you and you are seriously considering it NOW and you don’t have kids or other complications you want to seriously consider getting out of it now. I understand that I myself might sound like an AH for saying that but if I could do it all over again I would not. Not because I don’t love her or the lack of sec (let’s be real we all get old at some point where sex dries up in a marriage anyway) but because It is heartbreaking and infuriating to watch your partner engage in self-destructive behavior day in day out and risk immense emotional turmoil whenever you try to bring attention to it or stop it. It was brought up in marriage cou selling once that she only ever did all of the things she did with me in bed because she was so desperate for me to like her and that once we got married and had a kid she felt secure enough that she could stop. This was obviously a huge blindsided, shock to me. As she had always “acted” very into things and flirtatious and sexual and initiated things a LOT. If I initiate for sex more she feels “pressured” and gets really turned off and even if we have sex it is a pretty awful experience. I know she doesn’t enjoy it and I don’t really enjoy it either I just go through the motions as stopping mid act would probably upset her even more. Lately the only thing that has really helped me out personally has been focusing on work and my other hobbies and familial connections like spending time with my daughters. This may sound awful but that seems to be the only thing that has at ALL improved our sex life. I feel bad about it but it’s almost like I have to flat out ignore her existence in the mornings and evenings and when I’m home on the weekends in order for her to seek me out to spend any kind of intimate time (not always sex) together. At this point if someone approached me and asked me: your wife will never find out but what is your happiness with your relationship right now 1-10? I’d probably have to say 5/10 (anything dropping below, being grounds for divorce or separation) I am pretty definitively not happy but we have been together for years, weathered a lot together and have wonderful children together. That being said I wouldn’t wish my romantic situation (or lack thereof) upon anyone. If you both are still young and do not have kids its best that you both go your separate ways in as amicable a fashion as possible. It hurts everyday to watch someone you love engage in self-destructive behaviors and it’s also common for us men to get sold on a woman’s feigned sexual intensity when that not how they really are. It also becomes hard to take care of YOURSELF too. I try really hard at that still I am 31 and under 150 and still rock a six pack and do pull-ups and push-ups until other people get tired of watching me lol. But there’s always high sugar and fat foods in this house and I have to make sure I impress upon my wife that she needs to get fruits and vegetables and other healthy foods for me to eat too because when I eat a lot of the stuff she buys grocery shopping it makes me feel terrible because of how processed and bad it is for you. It’s difficult to make sure you you are participating in your hobbies because it almost feels like you are choosing that over your wife but in some instances you have to. If I spent all of my time with my wife that I could I would honestly be headed down the path she is. Eating poorly, out of shape, low motivation and wouldn’t have the energy to do things I love. I feel like I almost need to keep my wife at arms length anymore 1) in order for her to actually seek out affection from me and 2) to insulate myself from her choice in lifestyle so I can try to remain as healthy as I can. Good luck OP it’s not a decision anyone can make for you but I hope my story/perspective helps you down the right path, whatever it is you decide or think that may be.

NTA. Your partner is not fulfilling your needs in the marriage. That is a legitimate reason to end a relationship (if you even need a reason since no one should be forced to stay in a relationship they hate). However, I would suggest trying counseling before you end the relationship because it sounds like your other needs are being met. Maybe through counseling you can figure out how to address what is troubling both of you.

“Not fulfilling needs…legitimate reason to end…” and that’s how you end up on a third marriage.

and? if the first two sucked, why stay in them?

If the first two sucked what’s the common denominator?

Cheetos.

>popped the question, she said yes, we got married.. all the while the sex-part of our relationship continued to suffer, but I never wavered because I trusted that she would do what she promised to do You took the bait and got played. You don't marry someone and hope the marriage fixes your issues, you fix the issues before.

To me it's sounds like your wife's self-esteem is very low, or she's depressed (which also causes low self-esteem). And you should find a new therapist/ counselor because sometimes it takes time to find one that you're comfortable with and your wife clearly wasn't comfortable with the one you went to. I think it would be good for your wife to see one for herself as well to get to the bottom why she's feeling so low about herself. But then again, with your comments about why health is so important to you, I can imagine all the side remarks you have done since she gained weight. Wouldn't surprise me at all if that's the root to her problems.

That's a good suggestion on seeing if she wants to go to a new therapist.. I just haven't broached the subject given the reaction from the first experience. And actually, I make ZERO side remarks about her weight or anything even close since I know its so sensitive to her...

OP, has she been to the doctor and tested her thyroid hormone levels?

What's more important to you? Her physical health or her mental health? I know you say it's her lack of libido, but it's all connected: You keep effectively saying that you know how to "fix her", and appear to be frustrated she won't let you. Thing is, saying "I can fix you" is saying "you are broken." She already feels broken, and that's allegedly what's impacting her libido. All you are doing by saying "I can fix you" is reinforcing her feeling she's broken. Depression (and demotivation) is a spiral and you're pushing her deeper. So, is her low libido really the only deal breaker? If she were happy with her weight as it is today, had an agreeable sex drive, and didn't want to change, would you let it go, or would you still be unhappy with her because of your own anxieties about health? Hypothetically, if you spent less time telling her she can be fixed and more time telling her you find her attractive as she is (accepting who she is right now), you might actually pull her out of that spiral, assuming you're being genuine. But don't do it as a mind game. Genuinely accept maybe she won't shake off the weight, but be hopeful boosting her confidence will go a long way toward improving libido. Choose your priorities.

This. I mentioned elsewhere in these comments that I lost my own 40-lb pandemic weight gain rapidly after my boyfriend left me towards the end of the pandemic. It was no doubt easier to lose weight with him not around, because hearing opinions on what I should or should not be eating was really counterproductive. OP, you need to realize she’s still the same person she was when you fell in love with her, and circumstances changed. These situations spiral and it can be a hard cycle to break. After I lost the weight, my reaction when anyone asks me if I feel better or anything like that is simply “I feel like myself again.” I didn’t turn into a different person; people are just complex. That said, I have no reason to think my ex-boyfriend regrets leaving me. But you’d have to ask him.

You got motivated to get healthy & happy again. His wife doesn’t have that drive, so how does she find it?

I didn’t get motivated, though. And I didn’t try hard. The weight just fell off when circumstances changed. One of which was likely getting away from someone who was at times critical of what or how much I ate (though he never gave me reason to think he found me unattractive, but feeling like you’re being watched weighs on you). I basically just stopped the emotionally-driven eating, and started dancing again —but I started dancing again because I love dancing, not because I was motivated to lose weight. And I’m still not healthy. Healthier than I was, but that’s a low bar. Might be similar for her, might not be.

NTA - Sometimes you realize you ignored some red flags. It kind of seems like, once she moved in her goals were met and that was the end of her putting forth an effort. "Expect too much" is a huge red flag. You see, she's done making an effort. She has completed her quest and got the reward. Now she's done adventuring.

NAH If you're ready to end it, then it's done. Weird that she went from being fit and fun to being a sexless ice cream addict.

NTA. This is hard. Can you make this less about fixing sex and more about figuring out what is going on with her underneath her lack of interest in sex, or her health, or being a vibrant human? Like what has happened in the last 4.5 years that has made her change from the person you met and fell in love with? If she's not interested in getting back to being that person, then you actually married a stranger who was just posing as an awesome person to try to make a good impression. It's hard to say if there's some underlying thing that you're not sharing, like the death of a family member, loss of a job, long-COVID, etc. The last few years have been tough for a lot people, so I'm inclined to offer people grace, but this seems like something that you need to be in couples counseling about.

YTA, marriage is navigating life together and life is change. What if you go bald and get erectile disfunction? Will it be ok for her to just discard you like you’re planning to do to her? You clearly don’t understand the depths of marriage. Everything that is a lifelong commitment is gonna have its ups and downs. She is obviously struggling and you are NOT helping. WTF “I’ll still marry you even though you gained weight, on the condition that you let me “help” you make me like your body again” She should have dumped your ass right then and there.

There need to be ups. There are zero ups because of her inability (or even refusal) to make an effort. ANY effort. A marriage is not yassss queeening no matter what and being an afterthought to the one person who should have your back too. Marriage is a two people deal, not one doing all the work and one being indifferent. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. OP is in quite the predicament.

Idk, it looks like she’s depressed, that isn’t solved by “making and effort” or by people making you feel absolutely worthless. In sickness and in health oughta meen something 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nobody gets out of a depression by waiting it out. You have to do something. Go to your doctor, a therapist, take long walks, read self-help books, whatever. Action is required.

Dude, her husband keeps making her feel awful about herself and is threatening to leave her because she gained weight. And he’s been doing it since before they got married. She needs therapy for sure but also a lawyer. OP is free to divorce her for whatever reason he fancies. He’s still an AH if that reason is she gained weight.

Nowhere is the post is what you wrote even remotely implied. Pure projection on your part. SHE has insecurities over her weight gain, while HE is worried for her health over past trauma. The lack of intimacy is the problem. Also: nobody ‘makes you feel’ a certain way. You do. Own it, and thereby start solving it. It’s abuser speak. “Look what you made me do!” No.

Look, love, it’s not my fault you can’t read and have the emotional depth of spoon. We’re all operating on conjecture here Have fun :)

It’s not even about reading comprehension. It’s about you thinking this woman has no agency. She got fat because SHE stopped moving and started stuffing her face, not because of perceived side eye or what not. She’s a grown ass woman who is 100% responsible for her own actions. You thinking differently is very regressive and anti-feminist.

I feel the need to elaborate some here, just for the sake of transparency, as I didn't go into specifics due to it being TL;DR.. I am still insanely in love with this woman, which is why I'm even posting this question to begin with. I've never told her what she can/can't eat like a true asshole would, I supported her 100% financially for 18mos during the pandemic until she could find another job, and have also told her I don't care what she looks like, that I still love her and want to be with her regardless. But what I can't shake is the lack of intimacy... I can't just "roll over and do her" to *feel* loved, wanted, and desired. In my mind, she's withholding intimacy from the relationship, which is 100% a form of emotional abuse [(I looked it up)](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/married-but-lonely/).

Withholding intimacy with the goal of hurting or manipulating your partner is abuse, yes. Not initiating intimacy because of self esteem issues is NOT abuse. Any site that tells you otherwise shouldn’t be trusted

Yeah, just not wanting to have sex isn't abuse. That comment is ridiculous.

Oh, screw off. Not wanting to have sex a lot isn't abuse.

Ok, I'm really sorry for this comment, but honestly when I wrote this, I was at my wits end and literally grasping at straws for ANY insight in regards to a way forward. I certainly apologize to anyone who has felt certified trauma along this line and never meant to offend...

Appreciate the apology. It's not easy to admit when you goofed up, so kudos for that

I haven't read through all the comments, but it sounds like she may be depressed. Have you discussed this with her? If you still love her, I really don't feel like you should give up yet. I would understand if you said that you have no attraction to her whatsoever, and that you no longer love her, but that's not the case here. There are lots of ups and downs in marriages. My husband and I have been together over 15 years, we've had sex droughts, and both gained probably about 20 lbs in the past 15 years. But that doesn't mean I would contemplate divorce. It's not even a thought on my mind.

> to feel loved, wanted, and desired. In my mind, she's withholding intimacy from the relationship, which is 100% a form of emotional abuse But, thats also what you're doing. You're pressuring her about her weight all the time. "I don't care what you look like" to her sounds like, you look awful but it's OK, I guess. She probably doesn't feel loved, wanted or desired either. Have you tried marriage counseling?

Huh? I’m sorry. But she said my issue is I have self image problems due to my weight. He responds and says I love you no matter, but if that is hurting you I can help if you’d like. - He positively affirms he cares. Regardless of weight. - he identified what her own self issue is - the weight - and offered to help and be part of working on that. What, exactly, do you want the dude to do in addition to that?

He also refers to expecting her to have done what she “promised.” That means a conversation about her going back to how she used to be had taken place. It can take time to undo damage, if indeed he is not causing any further damage. But he just said he feels that she’s emotionally abusing him, so it’s reasonable to assume he is in fact causing further damage. I’ll also note that he refers to her not “initiating” sex. No matter how much I think my partner is interested in me or how confident I am in my appearance, I can be nervous to initiate sex because of the (usually baseless) fear that my partner won’t be interested. Add in some body insecurity, and this fact alone doesn’t even mean that she’s not interested in having sex with him.

Yes. You promised to work on getting your libido to a place where we can have intimacy. He does expect that. He does not care how. **She** defined her body as **her** issue. What, exactly, did you want him to do? He said it is **not** and issue to me, but I will help you if it is to ypu. Wait - he’s being abused emotionally, so **he** is the one doing damage? I’m confused. How’s that work? He’s been nothing but affirming of his wanting her and offering of assistance with her own self image issues. Where’s his “abuse” here? And sorry, he has repeatedly and consistently brought up the issue, affirmed he is interested in her, affirmed he does desire her, affirmed he is unhappy with unfulfilled needs. Yes, it clearly **does** mean she isn’t interested. Sorry. Not single one of those dogs hunts. You don’t get to make shit up and/or twist it around to try and make it so. It just flat out isn’t.

> He positively affirms he cares. Regardless of weight Really doubt she feels this way. I will help you get back in to shape. I love you no matter what. These aren't really comments that are going to work the way OP thinks they will.

Honey, I can’t get in the mood because I hate how I look after putting this weight on. Babe, I love you for you, but if it helps you get in the mood, let’s hit the gym! He affirms his love and desire. He’s done so repeatedly. He’s sticking around for the long haul. He’s offering to help with **her own** self image issue. Wtf else do you exactly want him to say? Seriously. Teach me. What?

> Babe, I love you for you, but if it helps you get in the mood, let’s hit the gym! That's not what he said though. He said > told her I would help her get back into shape Which is just a nicer way of telling her she's fat.

Taking it out of context…… Lack of sex was driven from her self image issues. He moved forward with marriage plans despite lack of sex. And said if self image was her libido issue he would help with that. Don’t cherry pick words to try and find a villain here. He isn’t.

Exactly correct. Some people just look for BBEG.

How is that out of context? That's what he said. > Lack of sex was driven from her self image issues Yes. And OP is making that worse, not better.

Yes, because staying in the relationship, carrying through with a marriage, and sticking around during a sexless marriage, these are all things saying “I don’t want to be with you”. His actions speak. You are taking a statement of the issue and trying to twist it, it is out of context. Regardless…. As I said before…. Do go ahead and say what he’s supposed to do instead. Affirm he wants her? Check. Stay invested in the relationship? Check. Offer to help however he is able with whatever **her own self esteem issue** is affecting libido? Check. Check in regularly and reaffirm his needs and how she is? Check. Reaffirm he wants her? Check. What the hell, EXACTLY, would you propose the man otherwise do? You seem ignore that because you don’t seem to have an answer. I would genuinely like to learn from an actual answer.

I've been replying to this thread a lot because it's hitting close to home. I've been through something very similar. When I met my wife she was 5'3" 115ish. She was a model and a bartender. An absolute smokeshow. As the years passed, we had some kids and she had gained about 40 pounds. Which like OP said, on a small frame, is a lot. We ended up in essentially the same spot as OP is (well I never considered divorce). Her self confidence dropped. Sex dried up. I thought I was being helpful, but really I was making it worse. We saw a marriage counselor every 2 weeks for a year. We grew to understand that my efforts to help were making her feel worse and putting pressure on her. Turns out feeling pressure to lose weight from your spouse isn't the greatest motivator. I backed off and stopped trying to help her lose weight. She's lost about 20 pounds I think. She's never going to be the 25 year old with abs again but she looks good and we're happy.

But she *is* fat though. Should he pretend that she's not overweight because she fails to accept the reality of it?

He should love her and let her work through things on her own terms. "Helping" her is clearly not working so why continue with a strategy that doesn't work?

Found the wife.

And yet you don’t mention if she’s had any assessment or counseling for Anxiety, Depression, or even Peri-menopause (yes at her age). Or what else is going on in her life that she gave up things she valued and enjoyed. Instead of taking this as Intentionally Harming You, consider that she wouldn’t do this on purpose to herself so what else is going on?

I get major Patrick Bateman vibes.

NTA. She doesn't care about herself, much less you.

Exactly. Sounds like she let herself go once she got married because she felt like she didn’t have to try anymore. That and quitting her job suggests to me she’s not too concerned about what, if anything, she brings to the table.

>because I trusted that she would do what she promised to do Sorry but that was the love goggles, not reality. She was showing you what she was willing and able to give at the time, and that proved to be more of the same rather than any change. NAH

This isn't AITA so much as you need to post this in relationship advice. NAH.

LOL 40 pounds is not substantial. YTA

Yeah it is. 40 Pounds is a huge amount on almost any body frame. But especially petite ones

ya no it’s not. i went from 105 to 145 as a 5 foot 0 inches tall woman and i actually look healthy now. looked anorexic up till 125

That’s still a large amount of weight. From anorexic to healthy is then from healthy to fat.

It sure is. I'm a 145lb 5'7" guy and could stand to lose a couple. I can't imagine 145lbs on a 5'0" frame.

Some people can carry it well. But like it depends on so much. Like I’m 5’9/10 and 230. I could stand to lose a few pounds but I also carry it well for my height and structure

Im 5'11 and my goal weight is only 6lbs above that. And that would be a healthy weight for me to be at.

Ok, sorry for such a long absence, but the last week has been challenging, to say the least. I talked to my wife about my feelings and the abridged version of that conversation is that we've decided to separate. She's not happy, I'm not happy, and that's that. Neither of us could tell you exactly when that happened, as it was simply an evolution of our relationship and an intentional ignorance of the layer of issues we were having, both introspectively or interpersonally. I want to thank everyone for their comments and feedback (even the YTA ones) because it legitimately gave me the information and courage I needed to make an informed decision (especially since I no longer trust my own emotions).

"He divorced me because I gained weight even though he was supposedly insanely in love with me." YTA.

What a dumb ass take. Didn’t even read the post, did you? For him - It has ZERO to do with her weight, it has 100% to do with no intimacy, a completely valid and reasonable need in virtually all relationships. **Her issue** is the weight. Not his. *She won’t be intimate because she doesn’t like the way she looks.* She ends up in the curb, she can blame her weight, but it would be disingenuous. It’s her cutting him off that’ll do it.

Suuuure it isn't.

Unless she has perceived based on comments be has made that her weight makes him less attracted to her. Then the issues are connected.

So she has no agency? She’s a grown woman. This is 100% on her.

NTA. The sex was good for 6 months out of the 5 years you’ve been together (10% of your relationship). Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. This situation isn’t likely to improve, especially given her passivity and poor attitude. Unless you’re ok with never/rarely having satisfying sex again, for the rest of your life, you’ll need a divorce. I’m sorry OP, I know this is a very difficult and painful situation to be in. I had a marriage end (a little over 10 years ago) largely related to similar issues, and I remember worrying that it was silly to end a marriage over sex. In retrospect, it wasn’t silly at all. I’m so much happier now.

You don’t make her feel attractive so why would she want to have sex with you? You’re treating her like crap. 40 lbs isn’t “substantial.” You’re not talking about her gaining 100s of lbs; it’s not like she’s doing anything to indicate she’s unhealthy. You were just eating rich dinners. She’s enjoying her life. But you can’t let her do that, bc of this horrific 30 lb weight gain. You “told her you’d help her get back into shape.” Back? From…20-30 pounds of happy weight? You’re an asshole. She deserves someone who loves her for her, not for what she looks like. Leave her so she can find someone who’s not a colossal, superficial prick.

Did you even read the post, or his responses? He couldn’t care less about the weight itself. **She** identified the weight as **her own problem** dragging down **her own libido**. He said okay, I will help with that if you like. He DOES love her for her. SHE doesn’t. What now, pray tell, is he supposed to do? By the way, if you aren’t six feet tall, gaining 30 pounds is actually a lot of weight. Did it myself during Covid, went up shirt sizes and pant sizes, and been trying to lose it ever since. It is 15%+ body mass for average height folks. That’s a lot.

I mean maybe he’s trying to convince himself it’s not that big a deal because of how much he loves her. But look at the line “I mean 30-40lbs… substantial”. It’s bothering him more than he may think

It is substantial. That’s a statement of reality. It is a pant size, or two, on anyone 5-8 or under. Look. Don’t think it is okay to put your biases and projections as facts of what is in his head just because you want to. It isn’t. Fact is he moved forward with a marriage proposal, fact is he has stayed in the relationship. Actions speak. Fact is he has stated he is crazy about her and just wants to be intimate. Words speak too. This hang up is yours - not his. You don’t get to make shit up just to hate on a person. Stick to the facts as it is. You are way out of line.

Aren’t you doing the same, reading into his words? Why don’t you ask him. Heck how bout she puts on another 40lbs, how that would make him feel.

He doesn’t seem to give a shit at all. Now does he? He’s even said in responses, he doesn’t care, his only vested interest in weight is her long term health (from his responses)….. I’m not reading shit into his words. I’m not reading anything other than is there. He is interested, he does want intimacy, he is addressing the weight because it is **her reason for no libido**. He clearly states all this.

Uh no. He has every right to expect her to bring her best self to the relationship, and vice versa. It’s always the women that have this view, accept me how I am blah blah. But what he did do is enable and help her gain all this weight. So it’s only fair he help her lose it or lose her if she doesn’t care to change.

I hope you are my ex who started a relationship with a mistress he married behind my back. Would serve him right. Just like him to tell every woman they’re the one and then come on here to find something that people can agree with him on in order to treat her badly until SHE initiated the divorce.

If you cannot handle her life experience you should walk away. This is not because she puts on weight or eats ice cream, it's because you're a c*nt.

idk it sounds more like its about her life choices

Empathy might be hard for some people I guess. She's much more than just a body, if he wants that he should head back to the Strip club

Stupid take. People are mind and body. He should just accept that she gives up on one of them? That’s bs

Gaining 20-30 pounds from your peak as a single 20 something is absolutely not abnormal. If OP thought his wife was going to look and act like she did in her 20s forever, he was always bound to be disappointed and they were never going to make it through children and the ups and downs of marriage.

Right?! This is wild!

Why do you think she gave up? He surely thinks attractiveness comes from working out - this is the issue.

Except he’s clearly posting exactly the opposite, both in his original post and in responses. **He** has zero issues with her weight, **she** has self image issues with it. He offered to **help** if that was the case. He doesn’t seem to care about the weight at all, other than her libido is gone as a result of it. Need to put the self righteous man hater fury aside for a minute while you actually read the post. He loved her then, loves her now, and is trying to find a solution **that works for her**.

So he should ask *her* and not the internet, for me it's clearly that he thinks she would get better from loosing weight. And when he asks the internet, he will get all kinds of responses.

Seriously. Did you even read the post? He has. He is. He continually brought up the conversation, clearly states he’s in it for her, not for a body of three years ago. She’s unhappy with how she looks in a mirror. Her own self image issue. He offers to help, and you shoot at the guy like he’s a bandit coming for your last pork chop. Do pray tell. Teach us. How, exactly, is constantly reaffirming he finds her desirable, offering to help her with her own self issue, how is this off base…. and what exactly should he be doing instead to **not** be catching shit from you? Don’t say talk to her. He is, and was…..

Well it certainly doesn’t come from gaining a bunch of weight

Maybe you should marry him, two trimmed lovely warm and sensitive men.

Maybe, at least he understands how to take care of himself. Something she clearly doesn’t care about. So she doesn’t care about the marriage and intimacy. Intimacy is important, no reason to settle because someone wants to give up maintaining their attractiveness

As a heavy married woman I can tell you, nothing is a bigger turn off than commenting on my body in a negative way. I didn't give up on life, existing is exhausting and if working out means I get to think like you - then forget about it. Intimacy is as much a his problem, and he probably needs to work harder on that - and on making her feel safe and sexy. Making people a skinny/fat issue is the most nitpicking thing and is not adult enough for marriage. I do not look as I did when I was 20, and also my husbands balls prob got a little longer - this has nothing to do with our love and our commitment.

So you can commit to a marriage but not to exercise and healthy eating? That’s bs. It could take a few months to a year to change for a lifetime of happiness, but that’s apparently not worth it…

NTA - its time to go. You have no sympathy for her weight issues and she has no sympathy for your intimacy issues. You've tried therapy and it hasn't worked. Move on. I hope your next wife doesn't gain weight.

She's just using you. Just go. A woman letting herself go like that is like the guy losing his job and playing video games at home all day. People on reddit pondering deep questions like "oh perhaps she's depressed" would never excuse similar behavior from a guy ( aka sitting home unemployed playing Call of Duty and smoking weed ). She's not holding up her end of the bargain and clearly has no plans to.

Really? And here I thought that a woman sitting home unemployed playing Call of Duty and smoking weed is the same as a guy sitting home unemployed playing Call of Duty and smoking weed. Why the double standards?

Will he regret it if in a few months she loses the weight and gets back to her old activity level? Because that could happen, and that’s the real question, not whether he would be an AH for leaving. I had a temporary weight gain of 40 lbs over the pandemic. Lost it all in 6 months once I found a new normal in my activities post-pandemic, and I’ve kept that weight off since then (well over a year). But took some time to find that new normal. I was a dancer and my dance studio had closed. I really had to find a new normal. I never lost that passion, but circumstances caused me to stop pursuing it for a while. Losing your outlet for exercise also makes you depressed and lowers your metabolism, being depressed can cause you to emotionally eat, gaining weight makes you depressed, hearing criticisms from your partner tends to be counterproductive, etc. It’s all a very bad cycle that can be hard to break. Some have an easier time doing so than others. My partner did leave (I had lost about 5 lbs from my peak when he left, so my weight loss had started but no dramatic change yet), but there were other issues and he had started a relationship with someone else behind my back. So yeah, it was just a few months after our breakup that I was back to my old body and actually I’m now twice as active as I was pre-pandemic (I’m within about 5 lbs of my weight when he first met me). Just because of circumstances, not because of some change in my personality. That said, I have no reason to think my ex-boyfriend regrets his decision. But will this guy? My opinion would be similar for someone whose partner lost their job, got depressed, and acted accordingly. Not saying it’s an easy decision. Just saying he has to consider the big picture when making it.

If you read he says this is a long-standing issue and she's not making the effort. She might lose the weight once he leaves but then it'll look a lot more like she lost it to get into a new relationship, not lost it for his sake.

I remember personally being concerned that people would think that. I hated that people might think I was motivated to lose the weight to attract someone else — the whole concept of “revenge body.” The truth is that: 1) I had already gotten the ball rolling before the breakup — I had started going back to dance classes because in person classes had slowly started up again, but I struggled with some physical issues resulting from starting a new intensive exercise routine, so I was inconsistent at first until those issues resolved a couple months after the breakup); 2) there was a period of time where I couldn’t eat following the breakup due to grief — that factor is a direct result of the breakup, but has nothing to do with becoming motivated to lose weight; and 3) the rest of the weight just fell off when I was dancing again — I didn’t need any motivation because I didn’t have to try. I lost most of the weight eating fettuccine Alfredo and McDonald’s every day, so when I say I didn’t try, I really mean that. Being away from my ex-boyfriend who at times had expressed opinions about what and how much I ate may or may not have been a factor. Being away from my ex-boyfriend who had resented me for unrelated reasons beyond my control may or may not have been a factor. Being away from my ex-boyfriend who was pursuing a relationship with someone else behind my back may or may not have been a factor. Who knows. I did (and still do) a lot of emotional eating. Whatever the factors, it was easy — so easy that I feel a little guilty when someone compliments me on it. It was just a product of circumstances, not a concerted effort by me. I don’t disagree that this is a long-standing issue. And I’m not saying his decision to leave would be wrong. Just making sure he has considered everything.

You ever think that you would never have lost the weight if you were still in a relationship? Even if he wasnt being a cunt about it? A lot of people become way thinner once they are single again because they need to to attract a mate they want. But if you are still in a relationship you dont get this motivational factor and most people just stay fat. As a partner you can be okay with that or not, both are valid.

Yes, I’ve thought about whether that would be true. I know at least I wasn’t consciously motivated by attracting another partner. I did go on a dating app after a couple months, but I mostly used photos from my higher weight for several months after. And I find many guys I’m Interested in don’t care about a little extra weight — I certainly care about my weight more than most guys do I find. And I wasn’t that motivated to date in general. I’m still not. (And it’s not like I ever stopped caring what I looked like to my ex-boyfriend, so even if I wanted to look more attractive to guys, that alone is not enough of a factor.) That said, a lot about the single lifestyle is just conducive to weight loss — no one offering me food, expecting me to eat at certain times, going out for dinner with me, etc. And you have ample free time to fill with exercise. Currently, the only night of the week I don’t have some form of dancing I like to do is Sunday night. And I still have a dance class I take Sunday afternoon. So time I’d be spending with a partner I instead spend exercising, because I am passionate about dancing and stopping dancing was just a temporary thing resulting from multiple factors. The break up also gave me the physical and mental nudge I needed, because the first 20 lbs was lost due to grief. That was enough to drop me back to a healthy weight, and to correct my appetite so I adjusted to smaller portions. So it’s hard to do a what if analysis, since there is a good chance some of the weight gain was a reaction to how I was being treated in the relationship leading up to the breakup, but let’s say that I instead met somebody else right away and got into another relationship. I might not have lost as much weight because of the above factors. Or maybe I’d be happier than I am now, so I wouldn’t feel the need to do as much emotional or bored eating, which I still do quite often. So maybe I would have lost even more weight — I could certainly lose more weight right now with some very reasonable changes to my eating. But I’m not motivated enough, because my current weight is thin enough that it’s not a priority (I’m currently in the “Fitness” range of body fat). I should be more motivated for health reasons at least, though.

I left a long-term relationship due to a lack of sex. Only I bailed within 6 months. Life is too short to be miserable.

It’s crazy anytime something is posted about a relationship issue stemming from obesity, everybody comes out in droves to defend obesity like it’s some sort of genetic incurable cancer that everyone needs to tip toe around when addressing. It’s always omg don’t mention the elephant in the room like it’s Voldemort Why is most this posts no one goes to bother and hound the women about if she has been taking care of her SO but mostly always if the guy has been doing this & that to the third like a relationship isn’t a two way street. YANTAH, just don’t go the cheating route instead of the divorce route.

Maybe she’ll pull her socks up and make an effort if you tell her about divorcing. She needs a jumpstart with kick up the backside. NTA.. try it out. Good luck!

Either get counseling or end it. NTA

Kinda sounds like she moved in and just stopped caring about anything but her own desires

If you are so health conscious why have you only mentioned therapists? She needs to see a medical doctor because so much can happen to women medically that can cause her same issues; hypothyroidism, hormonal changes, LUPUS (that last one is a biggy it can literally change your whole life over night!!!). Get her to the doctor and have her checked out. Oh yeah and you are definitely the asshole. Love is unconditional and you can't see past her weight gain.

For now, NTA. You said you already tried couples counseling. This means she already had an idea of your issues with her. You also need to find a better therapist if they just ask you to read a book. Have you tried to have therapy alone, first? Maybe you will realize that you're the problem with your perception of her? And it seems she's going through depression, she does need help.

Some background on me … met my husband when we were kids. Started dating when we were teens. I was 5’2”, 112 lbs, competitive swimmer. I’m now 32. I have had 3 children, a serious arm injury/surgery that left me without the ability to use my dominant hand/arm for almost 3 whole years in any rigorous way, and got diagnosed with depression recently. I weigh 195 lbs. My husband has never been more attracted to me and our sex life has never been better. Our relationship is not based solely on our physical looks. Being physically attracted to someone is important but you do have to realize that she isn’t going to be this person forever, right? Like, one day she will be 80 years old with wrinkles and gray hair. I can also guarantee that no matter how nice you are when you bring up her weight and helping her “get in shape”, all she hears is “my husband thinks I’m fat. He isn’t attracted to me. I’m broken.” All in all, anyone can leave any relationship at any time for any reason. However, if you truly love this woman, I would encourage you to make sure you are cultivating your relationship in other ways so you have more of a foundation than body weight. Go for dates - these can be hikes, take a class together, physical things that aren’t focused on getting in shape but on being together. She is your wife. Your beloved. Treat her as such.

NTA. Tbh, I’d be looking to leave. You’ve tried to change things, you sound like you’ve done everything feasible and she’s not budging. Being so anxious and upset is awful, and it’s not getting better. Leave, and find someone who will actually care about your feelings. And yes, she’s probably depressed, and yes, it’s awful for her to be stuck in this cycle, but she needs to help herself, because no one else can do it for her.

Try couples therapy.

I think she pretended to be something she wasn't, until she became comfortable in the relationship. NTA

NTA. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. She doesn’t love you enough to make an effort, and she doesn’t love herself enough to make an effort. SHE is the only one who can fix any of this. SHE doesn’t only need to take the first step; she needs to take all the steps, and you can support her along every step of the way, but she has to let you. You have tried all you could. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but you deserve to be loved the way you need to be loved. Your wife is wallowing in whatever she is unwilling to unwallow from. She doesn’t sound that depressed, she sounds uncaring. She needs to get off her ass and do something. Anything. She won’t even read a rather thin book to make you feel better, ffs. She doesn’t seem to have a problem with the way things are, while you are wilting. Give her an ultimatum and choose yourself, since she isn’t willing to choose your wellbeing out of her own accord.

Idk man you asked her to marry you after she put on weight. You make it sound like you care and love her for sure but putting limitations on her getting in shape or having more sex is kinda mute at this point. She already shown you these characteristics and you still popped the question and married her. Love is not a feeling you get that’s lust. Love is compromise my dude.

Break up.