OP’ if you’re reading this, I’m sorry your dad is a complete piece of shit. And tell your mom this really isn’t about the car or the amount of time your dad spends on the car, it’s about what your dad *really* thinks of you.
His reaction was to deny, lie, manipulate, minimize (I’m guessing that “apology” was the complete opposite of truly sorry or remorseful), then pout and run away instead of dealing with what he did to you - not just on fathers day but during/after this family meeting.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. Your asshole dad doesn’t deserve forgiveness
*” He says he was just trying to make Mason feel better cause Mason was sad and kept talking about his dad that died because it was Father’s Day. My dad wasn’t trying to put me down or say I was a disappointment to him.”*
Bullshit. You know what your dad would have said if was trying to make Mason feel better? *’I’m proud of you, Mason. And your dad is probably watching you right now and saying the exact same thing, only you can’t hear him’*
You know what your dad would have said if you were a disappointment to him? *’You’re exactly the kind of son I wanted to have’*
You want proof that you’re not a failure?
• your sister was pissed off at what he said about you
• your mom was pissed off at what he said about you
• everyone on reddit is pissed off at what he said about you
That’s 3 strikes. 3 strikes has worked in baseball for well over a hundred years. You are NOT a failure. YOUR FATHER IS A FAILURE.
Hey: I know this might not feel true yet, but you did some brave, important things in that conversation. You told the truth, and you stood up for yourself. Your dad lied and deflected and stormed off for reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with his emotional maturity. That’s a tough thing to learn, because as kids it feels safer to believe we’re the problem, because then we can fix it. But this isn’t on you. Try to be kind to yourself, and maybe spend some time your mom or sister or friends who make you feel good.
As an adult who had 2 very emotionally immature parents, I understand your pain. It’s hard to not blame ourselves when we confront our parents about things they have said or did to hurt us. They often lie, gaslight, or fake apologize their way out of it and you’re still left feeling the shame for even bringing it up.
I just want you to know I’m proud of you. It’s not easy to do what you did; I wasnt able to do this at 16. I’m 30 and can barely do it sometimes but I’m getting better. Keep enjoying the hobbies you love! And never stop standing up for yourself, no matter who they are
You’re not to blame man, your father is to blame in him only. Honestly, I feel bad for both you and Mason. Your father was playing on his emotions while not paying attention to you in the process and that’s disgusting..
Again, you’re not at fault so don’t think that you are
never blame yourself for who you are, if you don't like cars there's nothing to do abt it, if your dad didn't try to gaslight you maybe it would've been better, but now i think it's better if he spends some time alone to understand what he has done wrong. but still, you're not the asshole
You should absolutely call him out on lying instead of taking responsibility.
Is that the example he wants to set for you? If your roles were reversed how would he respond?
I'm pretty sure kids get punished for lying to their parents. I know I did. Being an adult doesn't give him a pass, if anything it makes his transgression worse.
He understood how vile it was and how shitty he was for saying it out loud. At 16, you're far more emotionally mature than your father, and he knows it. He ran away rather than face up to his crap behavior. This is something that he may never recover from. His relationship with his family, especially you and your sister, is damaged forever. The 3 of you, mom, sister, and yourself, should form a strong bond and pull closer together.
You are who you are and like what you like. You shouldn't have to force yourself to like your dads hobbies for his approval or anything else. You are not a failure, and there's nothing for you to feel bad about. Your dad is the failure in this situation and a tantrum throwing liar, too.
Everyone was ganging up on him so idk if I blame him for leaving. I would probably do the same thing if I was him tbh. The leaving part, not the lying and denial part. My mom says he’s probably just embarrassed about the whole thing and that we all need to cool off rn but he’ll be back tomorrow.
Dude everyone was ganging up on him cause what he said is super messed up, and he refused to admit to do it, he's a coward, I know he's your dad and you love him, but you are finally seeing his faults and as kid that idolizes his dad yet can't connect with him like other kids I know that hurts, that it tears you inside, but it's your father's fault kid, not yours, it's on your father to find a way to work on his own feelings while not letting them affect his kids, it's the bare minimum of what any good father does, now he's mad cause he knows he's wrong but he's stubborn, so the last thing hell do is admit that, so he needs to be the victim for the behavior to be justified, so he makes himself the victim.
I’m not saying he didn’t deserve to have everyone telling him he was wrong. I’m just saying having your whole family taking turns yelling at you is a lot even if it’s his fault. So I don’t blame him for leaving. I just want him to come back now. And I hate that it turned into an issue of him working on his car cause it wasn’t even about that. It was supposed to be about what he said.
This. I feel like maybe Mom had an issue with it too, though if they BOTH take time with their hobbies every now and then, it is a bit hypocritical on her part.
But maybe there is more going on behind the scenes OP doesn't know about. Like maybe the cost differences? Dad might be putting too much $ into the repairs and that might be why Mom already had an issue with it and this was just the last straw. Or he is out there more than OP realizes.
If it had been just the words then as a mom that would have been my main focus and the cutting off the neighbors would have been the limit and I don't think I'd have issue with the car hobby itself personally.
It's bad enough that he said those things but then the fact that he tried to lie and twist the verbage to make it not sound as bad as it was makes it worse and would have been the main thing I would have attacked.
Complaining about the car too makes it seem like it was either an overreaction or that there is more issues surrounding the hobby than the parents are letting the kids be aware of.
Either way this isn't on OP, and it sucks that he has to feel this way instead of his dad being the adult he is supposed to be and just being honest and apologetic so that they could have worked through this instead of the situation escalating.
I'm going to guess cost is part of the issue. Depending on the car and the age of it parts can be stupidly expensive and not to mention if specialty tools are needed for that car.
This is my main thought too when trying to understand.
My husband isn't interested in cars as a hobby but is a big DIY guy and we have had to buy our own parts to fix our vehicles before. Even parts for newer cars can get pricey, not including the specific tools you need to get as well.
I myself have an art hobby and the price of products for it pale in comparison to car repair.
Dad might be blowing too much money and adding emotionally damaging his kid to the mix might be too much for Mom to let slide at this point.
The fact your mothers second guess was that he had said something to upset you should tell you she knows he is doing a shit dad job.
Not your fault OP. Your dad is a childish prick becuase instead of admitting his wrong words he got angry and then ran away. Like a fucking toddler.
It's so nice that you be empathetic and worried about how your dad feels. I wish he could manage to be empathetic and worry about how you feel, especially since he's the actual adult. Adults are supposed to be mentally developed enough not to say shitty things, lie about it and the run off my mommy and daddy's house when they are faced with the consequences. Has he called you to apologize, try to smooth things over or to see if you're okay? If not stop worrying about a grown ass man and feeling bad for him.
I hope he apologized to you honey. None of what’s going on is your fault. I’m so happy for you that you are as thoughtful as you are, but remember that you don’t need to accept his apology until you feel it is genuinely sincere. Also, your mom and sister sound like they have issues that they need to work out with him, listen and be supportive but don’t let their feelings affect yours, and vice versa. Hugs darling, you’re doing great.
But it isn’t your fault.
People are ganging up on him because he did something wrong. No parent should talk the way he did - even if the child isn’t present in the room.
He is a crap father. Yes these words don’t make what else he did disappear, but they do change how subconsciously he treated you differently than what he would have if you were the “type of son he always wanted”.
Parents need to embrace the differences between themselves and their children. It’s is the parents job to find things to bond over and recognize that their interests may not align 100% but that is okay. And to bond over the ones that do align.
Don’t blame yourself. The only one to blame is your father.
UpdateMe!
I blame him for leaving. He’s supposed to be the father and the man in the house. Instead he runs from his problems. The fact that your mom went straight to cheating tells me that there are issues in their relationship that have absolutely nothing to do without. Don’t blame yourself for this outcome. Your dad is grown enough to create children, he’s grown enough to deal with them as people.
He is an adult. People were yelling at him because he tried to gaslight you about what he said and because what he said is very, very shitty. Him leaving is not understandable. There are consequences for your actions and he should understand that, like the adult he is. He is not a victim here, and it saddens me that you see the situation the way you do.
I am 33 years old and it would break my heart if i heard my father say that about me, and i can guarantee you that our relationship would forever be changed, even if i forgave him.
What he said is not something that a loving father should ever say. You are your own person, with your own interests. Your father should celebrate you for who you are, not wish you were just a copy of him.
Your mom is probably right. He was embarrassed his lies didn't hold up, embarrassed he was caught saying that, and embarrassed that your mom was RIGHTFULLY calling him out. Hopefully, once emotions are cool, you guys can talk things out and he gives you the apology he owes you. Please remember the fault here is with one person and you are not him.
This might sound stupid because no one here really knows my dad or our relationship, but he did mean the apology he gave me. He said “Hey I’m sorry bud” and tried to hug me. He only calls me bud when he’s being 100% serious about something. Like telling me someone is in the hospital kind of serious. And he sounded completely genuine when he said it. I just hate that he didn’t start there instead of trying to lie his way out first.
Nah, that doesn't sound stupid at all. You know him and experienced him in that moment, so I believe you. But as a parent and a daughter with a dad like that, I can't help but be angry for you. I spent most of my life doing what I thought would earn his admiration or at the very least his attention. Nothing worked and it sucked because none of it fit my interests. I don't want that for anyone else.
You are absolutely right that he should have owned up to his mistake instead of compounding it. You deserve so much better than his words and actions, and I hope he can be better from now on and that your relationship with him gets better in time.
Literally the same here, you worded so great why op’s situation just fires me up. I actually even had a similar hobbies with my father but it didn’t grant me any approval anyways. He just started to teach me something when he in the mood, stopped in the middle and next day he forgot about it. Every time. So yeah my point is it’s not about the shared interests at all.
I was never good enough for my mother so I know the hurt you feel. I am glad you think your dad was genuinely sorry that might ease your pain a little bit. But your dad is still in the wrong all the way around. And for that you shouldn’t feel bad. I get wanting him back. It sounds like you mostly feel loved by your dad. When I was very young I tried winning my mother’s approval and never could. So I get why him lying hurt too. If she had ever said sorry I might not still hear all the ways I wasn’t as good as my sister. This will hopefully just be a bump in the road for you and your dad. And once he’s cooled off he might come back and admit how wrong he was which will help as well. But either way, you need not to feel bad for how things turned out. He made his bed by lying now he needs to lay in it for a while. And him being gone might be his soul searching to figure out how to solve this with you. Until he comes back, it’s not going to help you to keep beating yourself up over all that happened. I would say relax until he comes back but I know that won’t happen either. But you do need to quit blaming yourself. It truly wasn’t your fault.
Could he possibly have said that cause he knew you would believe him that way?
It's just the image you keep talking about of your dad is just really hard to reconcile with the dude that would rather lie and paint his kid as crazy or a liar against his family, rather than admit he fucked up and apologize from the start.
It doesn't sound stupid. We all have cue words that give context. My son (20 adopted) wants to be called son and not his first name. I have a real problem with that because in my family growing up being called "Son" was 1 step below the dreaded full name...it meant you had done wrong.
You family sue word is Bud for being particularly serious and genuine, so def not stupid.
Thanks for understanding. I didn’t even wanna say it cause I knew people on here wouldn’t get it and some of them are already saying that he said it to try to manipulate me but that’s not it. Literally my sister will ask “Did he bud you?” or I’ll say “He budded me” to show how serious he was. Or if I get in trouble for something if he calls me bud I know he’s actually mad and not just a little annoyed (that doesn’t happen a lot).
Yes, your feelings are valid because that would hurt many people. With that said, take this as a learning experience in learning how to manage your emotions and advocate for yourself. Holding your feelings like and playing the silent treatment can do you no good. It won't help you with your emotional intelligence in the long run. You're becoming an adult and it's wise to learn how you deal with your emotions.
He meant it. He may even wish he could connect more with you. He’s wrong thinking you should connect over cars. You should connect because you’re father and son. You are two people - not one. You don’t have the same interests. You can be different people and love each other. Not all boys like cars, and some girls like cars. The good news is it appears your family really does love and care about each other.
Have you considered writing your feelings down? Maybe a letter to your father? You can give it to him or even burn it afterwards. Sometimes putting feelings on paper helps process complex emotions.
I read your comment and I wonder if you have explained your feelings to your son and how calling him son has negative connotations from it. Is there another name/ term of endearment that you can say.
Or could ask why being referred to as 'don' is vitally important to him. Or I could be way off the mark here and the issue has been sorted.
Sounds like he knows the same thing as you about the wording. He used that phrasing to make you believe it. A real apology has the reason they are sorry behind it. Not just "Hey, I'm sorry bud". Thats' the most pathetic apology I have ever heard.
Hey, I left a comment as well, but I wanted to point out, if feels like you and your family at large, are imidiately attributing your dad's words to maliciousnes, that he tried to lie/trick/gaslight you.
Have you considered however that, in that moment he really didn't believe he said something like that? It's not uncommon for someone to remember the meaning they wished to convey, instead of the exact words they used at the moment. Happens to my mom a lot, which is why I've gotten to the habit of memorizing her wording to remind her.
Instead of assuming the worst, try remembering that your dad, though it might seem like it when you're young, is not an infallible, all knowing human, and can in fact make mistakes, forget, and even be completely wrong about some things.
He should have taken the time to really try and recall his own words, instead of imidiately denying it, and that's his screw up. But accusing him of 'trying to weasle his way out of it' essentially is very harsh, and your sister immediately jumping to gaslighting, which implies he was trying to manipulate you, even more so, especially when he was trying to, from what you're say, genuinely apologize for what he said.
I urge you to try talking together as a family, cause right now things are still manageable but if you let the situation fester and not try to resolve anything, its not impossible it might get much worst. And while I don't know your plans for the future, if you plan on leaving for college soon, it'd suck a lot, and be really detrimental for your relationship with your dad in the future, if you spend some of the last months you'll be living together for a while bitter because he put his foot in his mouth when he was trying to make a kid still grieving for his dad feel better, instead of trying to communicate and work pass this.
Instead of assuming he did it with the intent to lie to you, ask him 'why did you deny saying that when you knew I heard?' and tell him 'it hurt a lot to hear and it hurt even more when you kept denying it. It made me feel x, y, z'
Talk about your feelings with your loved ones. It won't make you weak or any less of a man to do so.
It's a genuine apology but the hurt he caused isn't fixed by the word bud, as serious as it is. It starts with him actually fixing the issue; being your father and caring about what you do. My dad sure as hell doesn't care about the game I play, but he asks about it and we have good conversations about that and so many other things. Your father failed you and tried to replace you, and he needs to fix that over a long period of time. I'm sorry he said it and I hope he doesn't think bud fixes it.
The problem isn't the car and he knows it. He's acting like a petulant child.
There's no apology in the world that puts that genie back in the bottle. Like hearing you were a mistake, or that you should have been a girl, or any of the other careless offences parents cause by letting their mouth get away from them. Once said, it's out there in the world and never stops stinging.
Your mom is right. But let’s lay out the obvious points here:
1. Your dad said something that clearly articulated his respect for a son like Mason.
2. If he had just said immediately that was what he said, but his intent was to give Mason a pat on the back, he wouldn’t have lied.
3. You aren’t incorrect, OP, that if he had owned what he had said, you could respect it more.
Feel some sympathy for him, but don’t let that manipulate you into letting go of the core of what he said and what he meant. But also he should know. If he’s disappointed in his son, he should now accept what a big disappointment he is to his wife and children.
Your dad's feeling a little bit of what you felt -- the difference is he's an adult with a car that can run away any time. You did good young man, this won't be your last battle -- learn from this
EDIT: Also, shout out to your sister. Definitely make sure you always have her back!
Ya know they were ganging up on him because he did a horrible thing, and then lied about it? It's not like your mom and sister are overreacting here, and he *deserves* to feel embarrassed. He should feel even more embarrassed when he realizes he stormed out like a child about it. This is his fault, it isn't on you.
They were ganging up on him because he is wrong. He's supposed to love you or at least pretend well enough for who you are. It's his job to forge connections with you. He's the adult. You can't teach him to be a better parent and it's not your fault that you don't share the same hobbies. It's just human nature. We're all different.
My father wasn't this hurtful to me as an adult, BUT, he was a grease monkey that was also an alcoholic. He spent all his free time in my youth in his garage drinking and working on cars. He would swear and yell at us if we went out there to engage with him. It was his therapy time and was repeatedly overly verbally abusive if we even came in the garage, but the alcohlism and and anger issues which he has worked on and are better now. We've bonded over other things that we talked about once I was a little older, but to this day he's disappointed I have zero interest in cars or getting to know about them. He made that bed and still has issues admitting he was wrong, and he repeatedly tells me he wishes he could share it now, sorry I have zero interest at this point.
You're right that no one likes being attacked. But I have a feeling based on your sister and your mom's reaction, that this is not completely new behaviour. This is likely repeated behaviour from him where he hurts others and instead of trying to own it and make amends to the other person, he tries to ignore it. Which leads to the other people hurting even more. This likely doesn't just affect you, but any close relationship he has. And will lead to others (rightfully) being resentful.
Ask yourself this, if you said something that hurt someone, would you apologize for it? If the answer is yes, then why shouldn't your dad do the same?
Don't feel guilty, just feel grateful you have people that love and support you as much as your mom and sister do. I'm sure your dad does to, but part of loving someone is acknowledging when you hurt them.
There was no ganging up hun, he's a grown man who took the cowards route. You said it yourself, if he hadn't lied and tried gaslighting you, perhaps you'd have felt more resolved. But he didn't.
He left because that was easiest for him. A real man would have come clean and stuck out for the repercussions. A good father would have never said that to another persons kid he barely knew to begin with.
Man, that moment when your dad started lying to cover his ass instead of apologizing to you. Really lets you know who he is as a person, huh?
You don't have to be a person like that, and you shouldn't. If your dad wasn't a coward he would have immediately admitted the truth. That's part of being a good parent - being honest with your children when you fuck up. It's part of being a good man as well (or good person if you prefer). Now you know who he really is.
Just sucks. Sorry dude.
You are not wrong for your feelings. And you are not to blame for your sister, your mother or your father’s reactions to how you feel. They make those choices. And as a mom, I would bet money that your mom is both pissed about what he said but even more pissed that he tried to lie and cover it up. But I also believe this, your dad tried to lie and say it didn’t happen because he was ashamed of what he said and ashamed of the hurt he caused to you because he does love you. Shame and men are just two things that rarely go well together. Many men are taught to hide their feelings (good for you to be starting to break that b*llsh*t cycle) and so when they feel any emotion, they react with anger. But that anger reaction is NOT your fault. Your dad needs to feel his shame right now and I don’t believe he would be feeling that if he didn’t love you very much.
You’re not a failure! You opened up and said what was bothering you, that’s really the mature thing to do. Now you’re dad throwing a tantrum and that’s on him, never on you.
You’re not responsible on the actions other people do.
Your dad lied, gaslit you, and tried minimizing the impact his actions had on you. He then throws a tantrum and storms out. Thats not acceptable at all.
I’m sorry for everything from his comment to him storming out. You didn’t cause this or do anything wrong. He did. This is on him to fix.
Hug friend. Also glad your sister has your back. She’s a real one.
UpdateMe!
The fact that he denied it at first means that he knew it was hurtful for you to hear. I would be pissed off if my spouse said that too, it’s clear what it implies. There’s a good reason why both your mom and sister were also upset on your behalf as soon as they found out.
There’s nothing wrong with trying to comfort someone in Mason’s situation, but there is absolutely no need to put down your own child to do so. Especially over something so trivial as liking cars.
“ There’s nothing wrong with trying to comfort someone in Mason’s situation, but there is absolutely no need to put down your own child to do so.”
This part especially needed to be said. There are a few people defending the father, saying “he just wanted to make the orphan boy feel better”. When you’re a parent, your first priority should always be YOUR kids.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but none of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong and you’re certainly not a failure. People have different hobbies and that’s okay. Why is it on you to take interest in your dad’s hobbies? He can take interest in one of your hobbies too.
It sucks your dad tried to lie to cover his own ass instead of take accountability for what he said. I don’t think he was trying to put you down when he said those things but he did and it hurt you. He needs to own up to it and understand how his words have impacted you. This is not something you could have let go, if you didn’t address it with your parents, it would have haunted you forever
I want to give your dad the benefit of the doubt because he’s still a person even though he’s a parent and everyone royally fucks up sometimes.
I don’t think your dad meant what his words implied. And I think he denied it because he honestly didn’t believe he’d ever say something to imply that you’re a disappointment to him. Until the moment you repeated the conversation you overheard verbatim, he really probably believed he never said it.
I honestly think he was referring to his disappointment that yours and his relationship didn’t pan out exactly the way he had envisioned, and while he like you had accepted the way things are, Mason just happened to bring that to the forefront. The statement was more “I wish I could bond with my son in this way” and not “I’m disappointed my son isn’t like you.”
Where your dad fucked up even more was not seeking a different way for the two of you to forge that super close bond by finding something you both could get into to bond over.
You obviously love your dad, and you seem really level headed. I hope you can consider this different perspective on behalf of every parent who loves their kid deeply but has also cut them just as deeply with an offhand, thoughtless remark.
If it was a 'misunderstanding' as he claims then he wouldn't have denied it and gaslighted you. Therefore he knew damn well what he said was wrong and hurtful.
So, when presented with the reason you’re upset, your father:
-Denies it flat out, calling you a liar, then
-Gaslights you, saying *you* misunderstood him, then
-Attempts to justify his words, then
-Throws a diversionary hissy fit, claiming you all hate his beloved hobby when, no…you hate his insulting statement, then
-Storms out in cowardly rage to run from his actions and not having to hear any more from all of you meanies.
OP, you’re *so* NTA. Your father needs to learn that when one makes a mistake, one needs to admit it, own up to it, *apologize* and make every effort to ensure it’s never repeated.
I went through years of both my parents saying how great other people's kids were compared to my siblings and I, what your dad said is disgusting and the fact he tried to lie about it is worse . Don't feel bad about telling your mother, and don't you dare blame yourself for having different interests than your father, he failed you, not the other way around
You shouldn't feel bad or anything, your dad's the one who did wrong. I wish more parents would appreciate their children for them and their actual interests rather than not taking any interest. It's not fair that he tried to make you like cars and then when you didn't he let someone else in. He should love you for who you are and for what you like and enjoy- your dad shouldn't base it off of common interests you have as he's your dad and he is meant to take an interest in your interests
I’d like to think that your dad’s denial and anger are defense mechanisms, and that he actually feels guilty about it. Your mom putting it on his hobby gave him an outlet to redirect it to something he could justifiably be angry about and he took it.
Not that this excuses ANYTHING that he did. I think he felt like he was doing a kindness for your neighbor, and what he said would be uplifting to a kid who lost his dad. But even if it wasn’t what he intended or meant to communicate, he did something that made you feel less than a loved son. He needs to rectify this.
The only “mistake” here (and I hesitate to even call it that given your age) is that you kept it bottled up to the point where this blew up. But this is completely understandable- this was a horribly new situation involving one of the people you would normally go to in order to ask for guidance with something so painful and complex.
OP, I’d talk to your mom and let her know your feelings - specifically that punishing your dad (stop working on cars, cutting off the neighbors) isn’t what you want. She may unintentionally make things worse even though her heart is in the right place in going momma bear over you.
Your dad needs to know how you really feel too. That you’re not angry for being kind to your neighbor, but that it came at your expense. There’s obviously some work that needs to go in your relationship, but it needs to start with him recognizing his mistake here and owning up to it, especially the BS denial and gaslighting he tried to pull. Maybe it came as a defensive reaction, maybe he honestly misremembered what he said - but he needs to own the truth.
Maybe showing him this post is a start - it’s an honest capture of how you feel and might help him understand where you’re really coming from.
However- if he doesn’t come forward with honest regret and keeps deflecting/ being passive-aggressive? Then maybe he’s not worth the respect and love you’re giving him. I hate to think that he would be such a small and belligerently ignorant person who’s more interested in convincing everyone (including himself) that he did nothing wrong, but if that’s the case - you can walk away with some wisdom instead. You’ll learn a lesson about what kind of father you want to be one day - either your dad will be a role model or the example of what not to do. The choice is his.
It’s not your fault dude, they’re meant to be the adults in this situation but the way, quite honestly, both of them handled it doesn’t show great amounts of emotional maturity. I understand heat of the moment centring their own feelings but really they should have been thinking a lot more about you.
Hopefully once both have cooled off you can have a proper conversation about it and maybe going to your uncle’s house will give your dad some time to think. I’m sorry this was the result, it really sucks but there’s still a chance for them both to rectify the situation.
You need to talk to your mom. If your dad is forced into this, he will resent you all.
Just say something like.
“Dad is allowed to have his hobbies. Just as I am allowed to have mine. Sister and mom too. But I will learn to accept that Dad is disappointed in me for not being a carbon copy of him. But I don’t think mason should suffer for Dads poor actions and choices.”
Or don’t. It came out bitchier than I thought.
I don’t really think any of the family cares about his hobby or whether he has to stop. They want him to stop even though he does it for 2 days a month ffs
That broadly covers the right points.
OP is only 17yo, and his Dad and he just haven't found something his Dad can yet see worth of being proud of. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his son, or is disappointed.
The whole family have turned a hurtful and serious, but manageable, issue into a bonfire.
By leaving the house that way, your dad is playing the victim. Same when he said he'd get rid of the car. It's not about the car, it's about what he said about you. Replace 'cars' with any other activity and it would still be about what he said and that's on him, not you.
At this time it'd be a good idea to let everyone calm down before trying to talk again. Maybe you could talk to a counsellor at school who could guide how to address this. I understand it absolutely hurts; I still remember stupid stuff my parents told me. I know that right now you don't believe us when we say it's not your fault. Unfortunately, I don't have any magic words that would help you feel better. I can only say that communicating your feelings with something like [Beck2010](https://www.reddit.com/user/Beck2010/) is a good idea. Keeping your hurt and resentment only makes things bigger and harder. And that's not your cross to carry.
NTA. And please, please understand: none of this is your fault. You are your father's son - not his father or his buddy. It is not your job to tailor your interests to fit his - on the contrary, it is his job to take an interest in your interests and bond with you. Your father hurt you badly when he said Mason was the kind of son he would have liked to have. He hurt you again, when he denied it and tried to gaslight you. He is the one who hurt your family, not you.
And on another note - your mother was right to insist on an explanation. This hurt has been festering inside you, and without bringing it into the open it would have continued to hurt and poison you. Things will be uncomfortable for a while, but you have no responsibility for that. Just do your thing, go on with your life, and let your parents sort this out. It is their job, not yours.
Honey I wish I could hug you now. Don't feel bad for the way things ended up, it's not your fault. This is simply the consequences of someone's actions.
Your Dad simply shot himself by lying, trying to gaslighted you all, the way he acted up, in the end what he said was just the trigger for his own downfall, he chose this, he could have been humble and acknowledged that he said that and the he effed up, but He didn't, he chose to be a dick and that it's just the consequences.
For your mom and sister to react that way, this simply looks like the final straw, they are so done with your Dad's behavior. Don't feel bad for saying the truth.
I once had my mom said to me something extremely hurtful and those words sometimes live rent free on my head. For a bit of background, my parents had me way too young (both being 18 n fresh out of HS), but we all love to tease and make fun (in a none cruel way) of one another.
When I was 14, while I was teasing her none stop and acting like a drama queen to just push her buttons (all in good laugh) and I dramatically asked her: "What did I ever did to you?" And my mom maybe just had it with me, look straight to me and said: "Be born"; ofc inmediately my laugh turned into nothing and I honestly felt my heart tugged and I burst into tears, my Dad who had his back to us while typing away on the computer, inmediately turn around and hug me and torn my mom a new one, since he was shocked by my mom's reaction. My mom immediately began apologizing and begging for forgiveness, explaining that I had just push her to her limit, that she didn't mean it.
I mean she own it up and in a few days I did ended up accepting her apology, but those words still hurt me almost 30 years ago. If I that I got an actual apology and recognition of the major effing up, still feel sad when I remember it, I can't even comprehend the pain you must be experiencing and the reactions of you mom and sister it's the very least way you reacted when a love one gets hurt.
Things sometimes need to explode in order for them to get better or to end a vicious cycle. Is now up to your Dad if he chooses to man up and acknowledge his terrible actions towards all of you and tries to make emends and proves it (No empty words to simply shut you all) or decides that his Ego and narcissism is bigger than the love and well-being of his family and it's a hill he decides is worth to die for, then you are better off without him.
This is your FATHERS and his only FAULT, do you hear me? You are the innocent victim here, don't blame yourself over anything that has happened.
I send you a huge hug, hang in there.
No, no, no. You are just fine, many lovely people don't give a damn about cars. Me for instance.
Your father is acting like a martyr, poor little guy isn't allowed to have a hobby. BS, he said something hurtful and lied about it. He screwed up massively, and still won't admit it.
Nobody was ganging up he was just being called on his bs and lies and was shown that he’s not trustworthy and he is a lair
Your dad should be ashamed for what he said then lying about it then gaslighting. If truly sorry you don’t make excuses you don’t gaslight you excuse you fucked up
Your NTA you and your sister are amazing
You can’t forgive someone who isn’t sorry. He can’t apologize if he won’t even admit what he did. He’s acting like an immature brat throwing a tantrum because he doesn’t want to admit he did something wrong.
I’m so sorry that he treated you like that. A good parent isn’t disappointed in their kid just because they were hoping for a different kind of kid. A good parent values their kid for who they actually are.
I think, but I might be completely wrong, that Mason was looking for some sort of father figure or something similar in your dad, and your dad knew it. Not saying that's what happened tho, just saying that since Mason's dad is dead and your dad has the same hobbies he shared with his, he might have unconsciously searched for it, and your dad might have used it to his advantage, having someone young and impressionable to share a hobby with.
Still, what he said was messed up, and the way he reacted by trying to gaslight you was just as messed up, and none of it is your fault, and you shouldn't blame yourself.
It's not your fault. Everyone has different interests. Sure, your dad may not like that you don't want to work on care, but that's a thing for him to say behind closed doors, not to your neighbor. And the fact he tried to deny that is insane, to me. If you say something, you should stick to it. There's a lot of room here for therapy, and I think that needs to happen.
One bit of advice I'd offer.
Your sister and mother are defending you, and love you, and that is good. But sometimes people defend you without asking what *you* want. Maybe ask to sit down with mom and sis and say what you wish could happen, and then see if you can have that conversation again with all four of you. A therapist might be a good idea too.
A lot of people are upset, and that isn't making things better for you. The goal is you being happuly and your family being happy...
Poor kid. On a year when I was struggling with depression, I got a birthday card from my parents with only the printed message and their signatures. My sister put her cards out on her table to display around her birthday, and I got to read the short essays they each wrote to her including that she was the daughter they always dreamed of having. It’s really hard to forget things like that and it wasn’t the first time. Of course mine also tried to deny it ever happened. I think these types of parents know it’s not kind and in fact quite hurtful. And in their minds they think “I’m not a bad parent” and tell themselves that it didn’t happen or couldn’t possibly mean what any other reasonable person would think it meant.
I don't know if they're denying they did that, or simply forgot they had. Adults do have a lot on their mind, & sometimes they aren't mindful of things.
This is not to say you don't have the right to have been hurt by this. Sometimes people are jerks by accident.
NB -- Please ignore the above if that was just one example from a long list of them showing more affection to your sister than to you. One isolated incident can be forgiven; a pattern of these show clear favoritism, & was wrong.
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. It isnt your fault. Your dad is an adult he needs to face his responsibilities and consequences of his actions. Stop making excuses for him.
You are still not in the wrong here.
Your dad realizes that he has been caught, he tried to lie to you and gaslight you, then when he was caught again, he decided to make it everyone else's fault, blow up over something that wasn't actually significant in the argument, and storm out.
Instead of handling this situation like a mature adult and just being honest, and apologizing, your dad decided to defend defend defend, deny deny deny, and then leave so that hopefully you will all forget about this by the time he gets back.
This is the act of a child. This is the act of a child who has never been told no. This is the act of a child when they're told they can't have candy in the store. These are not the actions of an adult, who is supposedly mature enough to be married and a father.
Hold your ground. Hold him accountable for what he said. And if he tries to downplay it or change the subject, don't let him. "I have absolutely no issues with your hobby, I have issues with how you spoke about our neighbor to him, with how you hurt me, refuse to acknowledge it, lied to my face, and then instead of actually apologizing and owning up to what you said, stormed out of here like a child. That is what I have an issue with. And until you can change that behavior, and actually apologize for what you said and mean it, our relationship will not ever be near what it was".
NTA (Not the A$$hole) for not forgiving your dad and for feeling the way you do. This situation is complex and emotionally charged, and your feelings are valid.
Here’s why you’re not the asshole:
1. **Hurtful Comment**: Your dad's comment was deeply hurtful. It’s understandable that you’d be affected by hearing him express that someone else is the kind of son he wanted. This would be painful for anyone to hear.
2. **Initial Denial**: Your dad’s initial reaction to deny what he said and then lie about it only added to your hurt. It’s challenging to forgive someone when they don’t immediately own up to their mistake and try to gaslight you into thinking you misunderstood.
3. **Emotional Impact**: You have every right to feel hurt and upset. Your feelings of anger and betrayal are valid, especially considering the significance of the words and the impact they had on you.
4. **Complex Family Dynamics**: This situation is complicated by the family dynamics and the presence of Mason. Your dad might have been trying to comfort Mason, but the way he did it was insensitive to you. However, it’s also important to acknowledge that this has now led to a larger family conflict.
5. **Your Mom’s Reaction**: Your mom’s reaction, although strong, shows that she is supportive of you and acknowledges the gravity of the situation. She also seems to be dealing with her own hurt and anger, which has led to some harsh decisions and statements.
Here are some steps you might consider to navigate this difficult situation:
1. **Communication**: When things have calmed down, try to have a more open and honest conversation with your dad. Explain to him why his words hurt you so much and how his initial denial made it worse. This might help him understand the full impact of his actions.
2. **Family Therapy**: Suggest family therapy. This can provide a safe space for all of you to express your feelings and work through this conflict with the help of a professional.
3. **Self-Reflection**: Continue to reflect on your own feelings and try to separate your self-worth from your dad’s insensitive comment. Remember, you are not a failure because of someone else’s words or hobbies.
4. **Support System**: Lean on your support system, whether it’s friends, other family members, or a therapist. Talking through your feelings can be incredibly helpful.
It’s a tough situation, but it’s clear you care about your family and want to find a way to move forward. Take the time you need to process your emotions and approach reconciliation at a pace that feels right for you.
No offense, but your dad needs to learn how to grow some cojones and be a father to YOU. You're not a failure because you don't have interest in what your dad likes. That's not how that works. Maybe your mom was going a little overboard, but it's understandable, and so are YOUR feelings as well. Hopefully your dad will come back home and apologize to YOU SPECIFICALLY with tears and a whole day to hang out 🙂
Kid...god,ok
First of, your dad should have come clean from the get go. Though I feel that, in his head, he really didn't say it like that. It's not unusually to remember what you intended to convey instead of the exact words you used. I'm not saying he wasn't in the wrong for denying it, he really should have taken more time to think back to what he said, but it feels like you're attributing his potential forgetfulness to malicious intent. Much like your sister who imidiately accused him of gaslighting you.
Second of all, you're not a bad person, and you shouldn't have let it go. It hurt you deeply so it's something you gotta ket your family know. But that's where you fucked up.
One word. COMMUNICATE.
It doesn't make you any less of a man, or weak, or anything like that. It's incredibly healthy for you, and it helps avoid misunderstandings. You're 17, while not an adult, you should know that. Shutting down, ignoring him and not giving a reason? That's not the mature thing to do, and you know you've taken it too far when your mom is accusing your dad of cheating on her.
Right now, you need to take steps to mend things. Talk with your mom first, then your sister and then your dad.
And seriously, have a one on one talk with your dad. Maybe not now, but it needs to happen. Cause God knows it must have sucked having your whole family turn on you, for saying something with the best of intentions, and not realizing you put your foot in your mouth, right after realizing you hurt your kid, after a days of both your kids ignoring you and having your wife accuse you of cheating.
Your feelings are valid, and your dad needs to do better. But so should you. You're almost an adult, and if you want your future relationships to last, you need to learn to convey when you're hurt and when you need love, or support, or to sit down and talk.
Right now your family feels fractured, but hopefully everything will be fine. Your mom did not handle the situation well either, shouting at your father was not the way to resolve the situation, but I imagine that was from all the days and all the stress from her wild theories bottling up and spilling out.
You're the kid, they're the adults. They have to resolve the situation, and they will. But you need to take accountability for not talking about the issue. Be willing to talk. Be willing to listen, and not assume the worst, and be willing to forgive. And also, don't forget that your dad loves you. You said yourself that he spends time with you, and I'm sure he's been proud of you many times. You're not a failure, nor a disappointment. You're loved. Take your time. Put your thoughts in some order, and try to talk with your mom about how you feel.
This is all coming from a guy who grew up without a dad, and having someone say what your dad said to the other kid would have meant the world.
It's not your fault, sweetie. Your dad is basically the stereotypical jock dad that's disappointed his son isn't into sports like he is. Did your dad have any siblings? If so, were any of your grandpa's kids not into cars? Does your dad know how they felt? Regardless, he said something hurtful and unforgivable, lied and tried to gaslight you, your mom and your sister to try to get himself out of trouble rather than manning up and taking responsibility for his actions, then threw a temper tantrum and stormed off. Your sister is mad, because even she understood that was a shitty thing for your dad to say. Your mom went off on him so hard for the same reason. What he should have done was apologized for hurting your feelings and promised to try to do better.
I have a son your age. He can make computers stand up and talk, do math problems that make my brain spin, count cards, and will willingly play card/board/computer games ALL day if I let him. (That is so not me!) Board games aren't really my thing, but I will play with him for hours on end (while he kicks my butt unmercifully) because I know I only have a few fleeting years with him before he's off on his own, and his laugh literally makes my day. It's great that your dad taught you a bit about cars because that's a good life skill to have, but you don't need to force yourself to pretend to like cars. You are special and wonderful just the way you are, and HE should have made an effort to find a way to spend time with you even if it's doing something he's not crazy about, because he chose to have you, you didn't get a say, and before he knows it, you will be an adult out on your own in the world. If he's not careful, he might look up from under the hood one day and realize he doesn't have a relationship with you.
I sincerely hope he comes back with his tail tucked between his legs, embarrassed at the way he reacted, and apologizes. But if he doesn't and he stays mad, just remember it's not your fault no matter what happens after this, OK? It's his. Hugs from an internet mama.
Dude your sister got mad on your behalf because what your father did was beyond f***** up. And the fact he tried lying about it is what pissed off your mother, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Your father said something that no father should ever utter if he actually cares about his kids. He is a coward of a man for first trying to lie, then gas light, then running away. And I do feel sorry for you but the veil is now gone you will start seeing more faults in him.
Don't feel bad. You are valid just the way you are. Your dad is a POS who lies and deflects blame to cover his ass, then throws hissy fits when nobody buys his bullshit.
Not the dad playing the victim..🤦🏻♂️ Your hobby is not the problem is your mindset and your inability to take responsibility and apologise for what you said
There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not a failure, you don’t owe your father any love for his hobby. He’s the one in the wrong and he must understand that.
I am on your side. He was gaslighting you, then denying the truth, and downplaying the whole thing as if your feeling didn't matter. He is an AH and he knows it. Don't feel bad. He has a lifetime to pay for what he said about you. Don't apologise to him either.
When he comes back, let him (and your mom) read what you wrote (both posts).
My heart goes out to you, you've put in words beautifully how you feel and you love your parents very much.
Take the text and print it, don't include comments because they do not matter in this context. You don't want to tell your dad what the internet thinks of him, you want to tell him what YOU think of him.
>I feel really bad
Don't feel bad. You didn't screw this up. This was a situation that worked for everybody. Mason had somebody to teach him about cars and let him work on one. Your dad had somebody to share his hobby with. You had time off and knew your dad had somebody to spend time with, so it was fine for you to not care about cars. It was a win-win-win situation for everybody involved.
But your dad just had to go and make it super weird and uncomfortable for everybody. That's not your fault. Your feelings are valid. It was right to talk about it. Your dad failed a second time when he gaslit you. You did not fail. He failed. Twice.
I'm sorry you have to put up with this. But do not feel bad about anything. None of this is your fault.
NTA I understand you love your father but he was out of line. Your father knew what he said and how he feels about you not sharing the same hobbies as him. I’ve always said if I had a kid, they could do or be whatever and I wouldn’t give a damn because of love.
OP, every family has differences. Not everyone will share your likes and dislikes, hobbies, or interests.
As parents were supposed to cheer you on, listen and be supportive, even if we don't quite understand. It's part of being a parent. Your dad, with a few words, has pretty much tanked any relationship you have, had, or will have in the future.
None of this is your fault. Be proud of who you are.
Oh boy, gaslighting, I’ve definitely heard that before. You’re not in the wrong at all, man.
You stood up for yourself, made your feelings known and stood your ground, not everyone can do that and you should be proud you did that.
I wish I could’ve called my dad out on the shit he said and did when I had the chance.
The fact that your dad tried to deny what he said and gaslight you, only telling the truth when he was pressed on it is shitty.
Your dad is facing the consequences of his actions and definitely should’ve handled it much more maturely rather than throwing a tantrum like a two year old.
Hope things get better once he has time to collect his thoughts, for now, spend time with and talk with your mom and sister.
Edit: Also don’t feel bad for not being into something that just doesn’t interest you, it’s like that with my stepdad too, I’m not interested in jeeps and though I kinda feel bad about it, at the same time I don’t
You did nothing wrong. Your mom might have kept some feelings in because she thought everything was fine. She has realized it’s not and that she’s actually not happy with the way your household is. This is not your fault.
Man, this reminds me so much of my dad. He put cars over our family, especially me (his only surviving daughter) and he missed out on so much. I have to say your mom is amazing. I wish my mom would have stepped up and told my dad off like that. Don't feel bad. This took me a long to learn, but you are not at fault for your parents actions/words.
Don't feel bad because you aren't into cars. You are allowed to have your own interests and dislikes. You are you and if your dad can't see you for all your positives, he's a bad parent. As parents (I'm a mom) it's our job to encourage our kids to love themselves and explore their interests. Don't take his sulking to heart. Stay strong and be yourself, be proud of being yourself, alright? After all there's only one of you.
Honesty, Ithink its believablethat your dad may genuinely believe he was doing something good for Mason, but the thing is, if it's true, he went at it in a very dumb way.
Actions have consequences, but also, it should be appropriate.
I think it's best that you told the truth. it's the only way for everyone to move forward.
Now, as to the actual consequences, I think that the hobby itself is fine. Your dad shouldn't need to get rid of it. Your mom was a bit out of line with what she demanded, but she's not wrong in some ways, your dad needs to make things right.
What was broken was your trust in your father actually loving you since you dont share the hobby. The hobby isn't the problem. it's that he really hoped for that connection with his son, you, got that with Mason, and put his foot in his mouth TWICE, once by what he said, and once more by denying it, thus cementing how broken your trust is.
I'm pretty sure there was no malice, just being a dumbass when his emotions run high, be it passion when its about his hobby, or embarrassment because he realized he goofed up and couldn't handle the pressure when the stress was on him. I'm fairly sure he genuinely didn't realize that his words to Mason could be interpreted wrongly and didn't mean wrong, I've been there and saw it wayyyy too ften from people in general.
It's not unsalvageable as a relation. Your father made a fool of himself twice and broke your trust. That's what needs to be solved. It needs him to acknowledge his two fuckups, aka, the poor choice of words, AND lying about it when he realized.
You know your father best. If he doesn't usually put a lot of care in his choice of words and is usually trying to be good, then it's most likely misunderstanding and embarrassment that he handled in the qorst way possible. He has work to do, starting with accou tability for his mistakes.
Good luck op, emotions seems high right now, so don't do anything drastic. Once emotions settle down, you all need to look at how to make it right, and that's on him, but it's salvageable. He got to step over his pride for a bit.
Edit to add:
People nowadays hope and expect others too be wayyyy too many things at once. You cant be a whole villeage, aka, be his son, and his friend, and share his hobby, and yada yada. Same for partners in marriage and stuff. It's for the best if the stars align, but reality usually doesnt work that way, so, he has to be content with whatever he has, its too bad you dont like cars as much, but thats not anyones fault. Its fine to have hopes that you would, his feelings of wanting that are valid, but how he reacted to those feelings is his responsibility, both that you dont like cars like that, and that his stress got to him and he lied about what he said. He reacted poorly, out of embarasment, and that has consequences
Dude, when confronted with the truth, your father lied, denied, and tried to gaslight you. He tried to pay the victim to make you second-guess yourself and feel sorry for everyone but you. The fact that he knew exactly where to go to make you feel bad makes me think he's the kind of person who does that often.
Your father has a fundamental character flaw. This is not about him liking cars or you not liking cars. This is about him being a bad person. A manipulative asshole who doesn't deserve your love or even Mason's friendship.
You have more character in your pinky finger than that loser father has in his entire useless body.
Don’t feel bad about yourself. Your dad is immature. Both mom and sis‘ actions make me think that there are some other issues as well. If your dad not fix it, there will be more problems future in family. So close your mouth won’t fix anything.
Too bad your father is not a man your mother can be proud of, or a father your sister and you can be proud of. He’s doesn’t seem like the type anyone dreams of.
He says that crap over cars instead of finding common ground with you in something else. He’s the disappointment here. What a lousy person. Then he lies and runs away. Instead of owning his mistake and making amends. What a pathetic example of an adult he is to run and hide from the problem he created.
You should not feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Your father is a douche and I’m so sorry.
First and foremost, YOU are NOT a failure for not liking cars. You are your own person with your own likes.
You're father is a fucking jackass. For saying it and then denying it like a coward.
Ask your mom about speaking with a therapist, or talk with a councilor at your school. The burden of this guilt is not yours, it's your father's.
You have NOTHING to be guilty for. You're brave for finally telling your mother. She is your ally, so please don't keep your feelings bottled in. All that will lead to is more hardship for you in the long run.
Forgiving your father is your choice and no one can force you. Take all the time you need and don't let him bully you into 'letting it go' because that's for his benefit not yours.
NTA. I (60/F) was a HUGE tomboy. My Dad was my hero from an early age. I REALLY wanted to KNOW about cars, not to the extent that YOUR Dad IS, but MY Dad would change the oil on both family cars, change the breaks pads and rotors (I think it is?) and actually reverse down our dead-end street to tighten them afterwards, just the general maintenance you USED to be able to do (no clue if you still can, HE long since stopped. He refused to show me or even allow me to watch him (we didn't have a garage so he just did the work in our driveway on risers).
He was also a Hunter and DID actually take me to a "Hunters Safety Course" when I was 12 which I passed above all the other preteens and teenagers, both boys and girls, but refused to ever actually TAKE me hunting afterwards after promising to all my young life. He also PROMISED me I could have "my Mother's" .22 rifle that he bought her and she only used a couple of times.
Because I was A GIRL. As soon as my Brother was born 5 years after me, he'd STILL promise me things I don't think he ever had ANY intention on delivering on. But I WAS CRUSHED when, as an adult, I found out he gave the rifle to my Brother.
**YOU AREN'T A FAILURE,** your Father is! He somehow never learned that you are your OWN individual, with a separate personality and wants/desires and interests. HE should have been looking into hobbies or activities that interested YOU or found things you could enjoy TOGETHER! Doesn't matter IF he wanted to make Mason "feel good" on Father's Day after losing HIS Dad, what he ACTUALLY said was HORRIBLE!
And, you're right, he compounded his error (and unintended cruelty) by trying to gaslight you or make you question yourself instead of "owning up to it" and apologizing! He's a LIAR and a COWARD! Then he ridiculously overcorrected and tried to make you feel sorry (or guilty) for him by claiming "he'd get RID of his car and hobby." This is SO juvenile!
YOU did NOTHING wrong! He made a grave error in judgment and words! SOME words are crushing! It's ONLY up to YOU whether you forgive him or not! But HE owes you a MASSIVE apology. You may want to ask your Mother if you can see a therapist to help you deal with his **REJECTION!** Because you may THINK you're "over it" but you're NOT! You SHOULDN'T be questioning **your worth** or whether YOU did something wrong! **AGAIN, YOU DIDN'T!**
Greatest of luck, dear! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success! u/updateme
Sorry your dad is a PoS. Im a dad. I would never even think what he said outload. You did nothing wrong.
All i want or need from my kids is them being healthy and end up in a better state then I am. If they dont like my hobbies and interests I'll learn about thiers.
My dad told me to my face how he wishes I was more like my younger brothers as they all enjoy his hobbies. Im in my 30s and its just one of many reasons we have a strained realtionship.
NTA, yeah your dad just sucks. He tries to lie and claim it never happened. He tried to gaslight you. He then pulled the guilt manipulation move of acting as if the car was the problem and that he will just get rid of the car.
The real answer OP is that your dad is just a toxic POS. You should stop engaging and stop expecting so much from him. He doesn’t want you as a child, and you don’t want a father like him. This a growth opportunity for you. You can realize that family is who is there and who you choose , so love your sister and your mom, but just continue ignoring your dad. It will get easier and easier.
It's not your fault that your dad is acting like a dickhead. His explanation is bs. He keeps deflecting to avoid taking responsibility for what he said and the effect his words are having on you.
None of this is your fault.
Honey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Everyone has a right to have their own hobbies and interests. Your Dads hobbies aren't somehow better, more interesting, or more valid than yours. What he said was fucked up and it's a sign of his failure as a father, nothing at all to do with who you are as a person.
A good Dad embraces who their children are as individuals. Is it normal to want to share something with your kids? Absolutely. What isn't normal is devaluing your children as people because they're not your carbon copy.
Your Dad not only said something wildly inappropriate he then tried to lie about it and throw you under the bus. That's why your mom is mad, because he is showing the glaring flaws in his character. You deserve a better Dad than that.
There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with who you are. Mason is not better than you by virtue of liking cars.
Your Dad is a fool for what he said and he's even more of a fool for what he's incapable of seeing.
Don't ever let him convince you that you're not enough.
Sweetheart, your relationship with your dad is permanently fractured. It can be fixed it will just take a lot of time, effort, and love. This is not on you. He’s your dad. He never should have said those words. This is not on you. Don’t take this guilt on.
This is so sad. I'm so sorry OP. I'm sure you are a great kid. Nothing that happened is your fault. Your dad screwed up and refused owning up to it until he had no choice. Now that the thing is out, maybe you could talk to your dad. And also therapy since hearing his voice saying that when you see him sound like a trauma. You are not a failure. Not loving cars doesn't define you
You didn't do anything wrong. Your dad is POS for saying that and then denying it. He's a POS for not taking an interest in what you like to do, even if he doesn't like it. He's POS for acting like a coward and a baby saying just get rid of the car and he leaves to his brother's. He's a great example of a terrible father.
Oh honey
I think everyone got caught up in their feelings and I don’t think anyone was wrong about their feelings.
You were hurt by what you heard. Your sister and mother hurt for you. Mason is missing his dad on Father’s Day. Your father tried to help Mason, unknowingly hurting you and then was embarrassed and upset that he hurt you.
A lot of the people I know who worked on cars with their dad, it was more about the time spent and the conversation and the connection that happened while they were working on the car. It made Dad feel like he was teaching the kid something but also allowed them to connect in a special way.
I’m so sorry. I feel like there’s been a lot of deflection off of the real issues. I don’t think his car hobby is the issue and I don’t think he should have to give it up. I don’t even think Mason is the issue, I think your father had good intentions there. I think you and your dad need to find something you can enjoy doing together and spend time with each other. It doesn’t have to be some lifelong hobby, it can be anything. Doing puzzles, playing card or board games, going for hikes, grilling, landscaping, going to museums, geocaching, playing video games. You and your Dad just need time together to connect.
All of that said, your feelings are real and valid. I’m so sorry you are hurting. I really hope you and your Dad can find a way to heal this hurt. 💚
You shouldn’t have let it go. It was the right thing telling them. You need to be able to speak your pain and be heard. Your dad needs be an adult and take responsibility for the pain he’s caused everyone, and he needs some therapy to learn how to be a better father. Because not appreciating his amazing kids for who they are, then lying and gaslighting is not being a good father. He clearly doesn’t understand that this just became a core memory for you and will be with you for the rest of your life. Even with all the other good things, his words are a part of you now. He needs to realize that. And own up to it.
Please don’t ever be afraid of speaking out when someone hurts you. You deserve peace and respect.
Truthfully, you should have confronted your Dad about what he said soon after he said it. I'm not sure what you expected to achieve by giving him the silent treatment and then not explaining why you were mad. I think a quick confrontation one-on-one with your father might have resulted in a quick apology from him.
As to not being a car guy, we all have different interests and hobbies. There's nothing wrong with that. Regarding your father, look for common interests you have with him to bond over.
NTA.
This is all your father’s fault. 100%. His comment was incredibly hurtful, and lying about it when confronted was an act of cowardice on his part. You did nothing immoral in this story.
Perhaps you should have told your mother the first time she asked what was wrong, but I am sympathetic to why you wouldn’t - your father’s comment would make parents hard to trust.
You're not a failure! He is an adult who made a mistake and then tried to lie when he was caught. That is not your fault in anyway.
Things are uncomfortable right now, but they will get better. People don't often react well in the heat of the moment, they need time to think and process!
Best of luck!
I agree with your dad. You made a sweet comment to the kid about you. Then you tried to turn your entire family against him and you wonder why he wanted someone who actually liked him for a kid. YTA.
Hell no Ur dad is the biggest lying asshole on the planet. Sat there and lied to his family. That just shows u the respect he has for u Ur mom and Ur sister. To lie and gaslight then storm out like a child throwing a tantrum. I wouldn't speak to him for a very very very long time.
How dare he dismiss Ur feelings and lie to Ur face. As a mom of 5 I would have gone scorched earth on his ass. Send him this way I still will
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I know what it feels like to not be the son your Dad wants. It sounds like you’ve got an amazingly supportive sister though. I hope it gets better with your Dad.
You’re not a failure bro. It’s good that you told the truth and stood up for yourself when your dad lied at first. If that was my dad I wouldn’t have been able to forgiven him. But since he’s your dad and when he comes back, maybe talk to him again just the two of you?
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it's entirely messed up and i'm so sorry it got to this piint but it needed to happen I think. he shouldn't have lied and tried to deny it but it seems like the shock and realization made him feel so ashamed of himself and what he said that his immediate reaction was denial and avoiding the blame. it's normal, but not something a parent should do honestly. parents should know better and own up to things, take responsibility and make that good example for their kids. maybe this is a part of him that is still immature and needs work to redeem himself and earn back your trust and respect. it sucks finding out and confronting the fact your parents are just people who can fuck up this badly, and not omnipotent beings we trust with our lives.
I hate that this has pushed you to feel so guilty yourself, but it's not your fault man. it's not your fault for not loving the cars. it's not about the cars. there should be more between you and in your bond that shouldn't have to rely on whether or not you like a hobby; that's where he messed up.
not to tunnel down on what your mom said, he shouldn't completely forget about his hobby, that could sow resentment, but she does have a point that he assigns way too much value to it than he does the real bonds and relationships in his life.
it's not your responsibility to coach your dad to grow up when it comes to this. you get to be upset and sad and even betrayed oiver this, it's heartbreaking what he said and you might be so tempted to downplay your feelings about it just to maintain the peace and have everything be okay. it won't be until this is resolved. and I promise it will be. it's just up to you of how much you are willing to open up about with him honestly, and with yoruself as well on how this made you feel and what would make it feel better, what you wish you'd hear from him insteaed, and tell him about it.
he will make it up to you and listen to you and your feelings. it's not too late to fix this. but again, it's not entirely up to you the burden of fixing this. it's everyone's effort.
The truth is that at the end you have handled it in more mature way than your father did. At it really tells a lot about his character. You are not at fault here in any way shape or form and there is nothing wrong with you enjoying different hobbies. You are not responsible for your father’s crappy behaviour, he just cannot handle the consequences of his own actions.
Please know that NONE of this is your fault. I'm so disappointed that your dad sat there and lied like a coward, then had a tantrum and threatened to get rid of his car.
I'm glad your mom has your back though, she is right to be angry, and she was right to limit contact with Mason and his family from now on.
It's so upsetting to read that you wish your personality was different as opposed to wishing he was a better father to you. You don't have to defer to *his* hobbies, it should actually be the other way around.
I hope things start to look up and your uncle knocked some sense into your dad as well. Hopefully, he'll understand the gravity of what he's done and do the work to fix it before it's too late.
Its not your fault. Your parents reaction or the situation. Yeah maybe thing would have solved sooner if you said something earlier but he's a grown ass man and also playing the victim card when it isnt even his place. He knows what he did was wrong and thats why he denied it at first
This isn’t your fault or your problem to fix. Your parents in particular your dad needs to get his shit together and deal with his failure here. He is already mad but not at you. He’s mad at himself because he’s beginning to to under that he has to think before he says stupid, hurtful shit and that he’s not the great dad he always thought he was he’d be.
Oh honey. I’m so sorry. First, don’t feel guilty or bad. I know that’s easier said than done but you did absolutely nothing wrong. Your dad is being an AH and trying to save face. He lied repeatedly and only fessed up when he saw none of you were buying his b.s. Then he gaslights you and tries to make it out like he’s the victim in all this. You deserve so much better. Let him stay at his brother’s house until he gets his head out of his ass and gives you a real apology and not this crap he tried to give you. I know everyone always jumps to suggest therapy but talking to a professional to help you process and be able to deal with this would be a good and beneficial thing. Hugs to you bc you need a real one.
Hi OP, this whole situation sure blew up in everyone's face. Regardless of what he said, was it your intention for your father to give up his hobby, to stop being on good terms with Mason and his family, for your sister to involve herself with such hostility and for your mom to chase your father away (even though he was a shithead)?
IMO, it would have been better to say something then and there! 'Hey, Dad, I'm standing right here and pretty hurt and angry about what you just said! Is it true? You wanna throw me away cause I don't like cars as much as you?'
Your father would have to explain himself in the moment. You could have talked it out. It's still shitty and you have every right to your feelings.
But, the silent treatment just meant you dragged it out, let your sister be sullen and hostile when it didn't affect her, your father lied and backpeddled and your mom threw a big enough fit to chase your dad away. Good job of not wanting to have the uncomfortable conversation.
ESH, but I'll probably get downvotes for my opinion.
Only Mason is innocent but will be punished because your dad will now reject him.
Your dad is 100% in the wrong. Him denying it and trying to gaslight you is actually disgusting. This is NOT your fault in the slightest. These are the consequences of HIS actions. He remembered exactly what he said and still made the decision to make you out like you were crazy over admitting it.
OP, is there any possibility that your dad was just trying to cheer Mason up? I'm not defending him I'm just hoping that his wording was a poor choice and that it was an honest mistake.
Either way I'm sorry to hear this.
Op, I know you feel bad right now bit none of this is your fault. Your dad lying about it shows that. All you did is wanted to be accepted by your dad and that's not a bad thing.
Just take a few days to calm down. Do something fun to distract yourself. Hang out with your mom or sister or your friends.
NTA. Please stop blaming yourself- he made the comments & he lied because he knew he screwed up.
Had he said well I said it but it was meant like this … well maybe however he lied because he had something to hide.
This is a him problem not a you problem.
He left because he’s using emotional blackmail now & by blaming yourself you’re giving him that power. He left because he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore- he doesn’t want to face the music (similar to how you don’t want to come home after the principal called your parents). He left because he’s embarrassed to get caught lying & gaslighting you. He left because he’s mad he got caught. He left because he’s embarrassed to see your look of disappointment & pain. He left because he’s hoping when he comes back it will all have blown over & he won’t face repercussions.
None absolutely none of this is your fault.
Feel your feelings & hopefully your dad can regain your love & respect- it will take time of course but fingers crossed
I think cars are boring, sports are boring, fishing is boring, etc. I barely share any hobbies with my family outside watching TV, tourism which they can barely do since they are old...
What I mean to say is that you don't choose your family, you don't have to have the same hobbies. I love them but I don't spend much quality time with them, and that's fine.
Now, if I heard my parent say they wish they had someone else as their son I'd confront them and let them know not to worry because they have a vacant son space they can fill with whoever, and the relationship never would be the same. And that is on HIM, not you. It's foul that a dad doesn't love his kid, and the kid has no responsibility on that, because we're individuals with different tastes and personalities, if he can't accept yours he can go f himself.
OP you are not at fault and I'm sorry that your dad denied what he said at first, however, after reading your original post and then this I'm wondering, why didn't you just address the issue the first time instead of letting it boil into this? Try and reverse some roles and say if someone overheard you say something about them that hurt them and you asked why they were upset with you and they just kept giving you the cold shoulder, wouldn't that just make everything worse?
Like I said, you are not in the wrong and what he said is definitely hurtful and the denying is not okay. But if someone close to you says or does something that hurts you, don't bury it, it just makes it so much worse. Address it!
OP the reality is no one on reddit is you, or part of your family or cares about you. If you want to tank your entire relationship with your dad and turn your entire family against him go for it. Yea your dad said something stupid and shitty. But you weren't even supposed to hear it. He was talking to that kid. Who yes has no dad. That kids dad is dead. Gone. You then ignored your dad treated him like shit, turned your sister against him and managed to make your mom think he was cheating. So you unintentionally turned everyone on him. Then you all yelled at him. Are you surprised he left?
You are not a "victim" here. But your dad is also not a "victim". This is a family issue. Families go through shit. In years you will look back at this and realize this was stupid shit. Has your dad been a terrible father the entire what 17 years you have known him? Or do you place this into the category of the rare but stupid shit your dad has done in his time as your father?
You all ganged on him and then told him "you said this". Did he say it? I don't know, we are only getting your version of it. I will assume you are correct. He said that. But that is the problem when you go silent treatment and wait to explode. This came out of left field for him, he probably does not even remember what he actually said. And what he said vs what his intention was are 2 totally different things sometimes. And he told you what his intent was - to make that kid feel good. So again ask yourself, is your dad overall a shit dad or not? What he said was stupid, very stupid....but are you willing to destroy your entire family over it, or destroy the only father-son relationship that you have and will ever have....over what? 1 thing he said?
First of all: your feelings are valid.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers, came to mind too.
You were traumatised by what he said. And what he doesn’t understand is that you are still a child. Which is totally fine. But this means that things he finds small and insignificant can be dramatic and soul shattering for you. And with such cases it’s always the person you received damage to listen to first and grant more weight.
I would recommend therapy of some kind, because what I think will happen next: your father will play it down and gaslight you more. You will push your feelings aside and somewhen think you forgave him and all will seem good for a while. But you never processed your feelings properly, so they will linger and fester. And one day they erupt and you will be even worse off than now.
Also kudos to your sister for really keeping quiet. It’s encouraging and lovely to see a family member sticking to their promise even under pressure and being completely, unconditionally on your side. She never questioned you once and didn’t falter. Besides my wife I never saw this in my family/time, I hope you realise what a gift of a sibling she is.👍
I hope you take the time to read this.
I beleive you are reading too much into your father's words and I think you will understand better when you have your own children.
My hobbies are snowboarding and bicycles. It gave me great pleasure to introduce my son to the activities that bring me so much joy. We went snowboarding and cycling periodically, and I thought he had a similar enjoyment. But now he is an adult and sold his snowboard and doesn't seem to want to ride anymore. I'm bummed. I envisioned doing vacation with him and his family around these activities, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that will never happen.
I love him as my son, I wish he enjoyed things we could enjoy together. I bet you dad really values the time he spends with his dad working on cars and had hoped to have that same shared joy with you. That's his disappointment. Nothing more. He just wanted to share his passion with his son, becuase it's a special feeling when you can.
I read up on your first Post and have to say that you are terrible.
I have and probably never fulfill the ambitions of my mother.
And my dad would have loved, for me, to share some of his hobbies Cars or Guns.
And I'm aware of this, but I would never fault them for that.
And reading your post I can't find anything that tells that he does not love you.
He only wished for a shared intressed or for you to be more like him.
Which is fully OK and normal.
You are Terrible for faulting someone for their feelings.
As far as we can tell, he had a good handling of his feelings.
You are hurt because you have an otherwise good relationship.
And he did not force that knowledge on you.
He told it to someone else with no intent of it ever reaching you.
Now the whole house is after him for his fucking feelings.
I bet if I asked your mom if she is wishing for a trait in their children, then she would say yes.
Not that you are a person that could handle that.
His only fault is denying it.
YTA
NTA but maybe a different perspective would help.
A. You and your sister are wrong for making your mom guess for days. Y’all should have just dealt with it on the first day. It is important to
Learn to have difficult conversations
B. To play devils advocate maybe you are wrong…. Your dad wasn’t saying that you weren’t the ideal son. It sounds to me that he was comforting Mason and reassuring him that any dad would be proud of him. Saying he’s the son He would love to have isn’t a slight to you but rather him affirming to Mason that he is worthy of love and being wanted by a parent.
I’d suggest really thinking about that, think about how it’s great your dad engages with Mason, think about the ways he’s been a good dad to you….
Sit down and actually talk to him. It’s a k to share that it hurt your feelings, but you do need to realize that your perception and what he meant may not have been the same.
I do think your family owes your dad an apology for how y’all treated him by ignoring him/situation and then blowing up on him.
It is better to deal with things when they occur or just after…don’t wait and gang up on someone. It puts them on the defensive and in this case it’s impacts 3 relationships with instead of just being a moment that you needed to discuss
It's not your fault. There's a whole mess of issues here that might need some family therapy to help resolve.
I’m embarrassed OP has this clown for a dad.
OP’ if you’re reading this, I’m sorry your dad is a complete piece of shit. And tell your mom this really isn’t about the car or the amount of time your dad spends on the car, it’s about what your dad *really* thinks of you. His reaction was to deny, lie, manipulate, minimize (I’m guessing that “apology” was the complete opposite of truly sorry or remorseful), then pout and run away instead of dealing with what he did to you - not just on fathers day but during/after this family meeting. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Your asshole dad doesn’t deserve forgiveness
*” He says he was just trying to make Mason feel better cause Mason was sad and kept talking about his dad that died because it was Father’s Day. My dad wasn’t trying to put me down or say I was a disappointment to him.”* Bullshit. You know what your dad would have said if was trying to make Mason feel better? *’I’m proud of you, Mason. And your dad is probably watching you right now and saying the exact same thing, only you can’t hear him’* You know what your dad would have said if you were a disappointment to him? *’You’re exactly the kind of son I wanted to have’* You want proof that you’re not a failure? • your sister was pissed off at what he said about you • your mom was pissed off at what he said about you • everyone on reddit is pissed off at what he said about you That’s 3 strikes. 3 strikes has worked in baseball for well over a hundred years. You are NOT a failure. YOUR FATHER IS A FAILURE.
you are not a failure!
Hey: I know this might not feel true yet, but you did some brave, important things in that conversation. You told the truth, and you stood up for yourself. Your dad lied and deflected and stormed off for reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with his emotional maturity. That’s a tough thing to learn, because as kids it feels safer to believe we’re the problem, because then we can fix it. But this isn’t on you. Try to be kind to yourself, and maybe spend some time your mom or sister or friends who make you feel good.
Thank you for saying this. I really needed to hear some of that.
As an adult who had 2 very emotionally immature parents, I understand your pain. It’s hard to not blame ourselves when we confront our parents about things they have said or did to hurt us. They often lie, gaslight, or fake apologize their way out of it and you’re still left feeling the shame for even bringing it up. I just want you to know I’m proud of you. It’s not easy to do what you did; I wasnt able to do this at 16. I’m 30 and can barely do it sometimes but I’m getting better. Keep enjoying the hobbies you love! And never stop standing up for yourself, no matter who they are
Stay strong and lean on your mom and sister. Please update when he comes home.
You’re not to blame man, your father is to blame in him only. Honestly, I feel bad for both you and Mason. Your father was playing on his emotions while not paying attention to you in the process and that’s disgusting.. Again, you’re not at fault so don’t think that you are
never blame yourself for who you are, if you don't like cars there's nothing to do abt it, if your dad didn't try to gaslight you maybe it would've been better, but now i think it's better if he spends some time alone to understand what he has done wrong. but still, you're not the asshole
That’s what really upset me. He tried to convince me that I misheard him when we both know what he said.
You should absolutely call him out on lying instead of taking responsibility. Is that the example he wants to set for you? If your roles were reversed how would he respond? I'm pretty sure kids get punished for lying to their parents. I know I did. Being an adult doesn't give him a pass, if anything it makes his transgression worse.
He understood how vile it was and how shitty he was for saying it out loud. At 16, you're far more emotionally mature than your father, and he knows it. He ran away rather than face up to his crap behavior. This is something that he may never recover from. His relationship with his family, especially you and your sister, is damaged forever. The 3 of you, mom, sister, and yourself, should form a strong bond and pull closer together.
You are who you are and like what you like. You shouldn't have to force yourself to like your dads hobbies for his approval or anything else. You are not a failure, and there's nothing for you to feel bad about. Your dad is the failure in this situation and a tantrum throwing liar, too.
Everyone was ganging up on him so idk if I blame him for leaving. I would probably do the same thing if I was him tbh. The leaving part, not the lying and denial part. My mom says he’s probably just embarrassed about the whole thing and that we all need to cool off rn but he’ll be back tomorrow.
Dude everyone was ganging up on him cause what he said is super messed up, and he refused to admit to do it, he's a coward, I know he's your dad and you love him, but you are finally seeing his faults and as kid that idolizes his dad yet can't connect with him like other kids I know that hurts, that it tears you inside, but it's your father's fault kid, not yours, it's on your father to find a way to work on his own feelings while not letting them affect his kids, it's the bare minimum of what any good father does, now he's mad cause he knows he's wrong but he's stubborn, so the last thing hell do is admit that, so he needs to be the victim for the behavior to be justified, so he makes himself the victim.
I’m not saying he didn’t deserve to have everyone telling him he was wrong. I’m just saying having your whole family taking turns yelling at you is a lot even if it’s his fault. So I don’t blame him for leaving. I just want him to come back now. And I hate that it turned into an issue of him working on his car cause it wasn’t even about that. It was supposed to be about what he said.
From the way your mom reacted it seems like it was a bigger issue than just that, maybe you helped you mom finally put her foot down on this.
This. I feel like maybe Mom had an issue with it too, though if they BOTH take time with their hobbies every now and then, it is a bit hypocritical on her part. But maybe there is more going on behind the scenes OP doesn't know about. Like maybe the cost differences? Dad might be putting too much $ into the repairs and that might be why Mom already had an issue with it and this was just the last straw. Or he is out there more than OP realizes. If it had been just the words then as a mom that would have been my main focus and the cutting off the neighbors would have been the limit and I don't think I'd have issue with the car hobby itself personally. It's bad enough that he said those things but then the fact that he tried to lie and twist the verbage to make it not sound as bad as it was makes it worse and would have been the main thing I would have attacked. Complaining about the car too makes it seem like it was either an overreaction or that there is more issues surrounding the hobby than the parents are letting the kids be aware of. Either way this isn't on OP, and it sucks that he has to feel this way instead of his dad being the adult he is supposed to be and just being honest and apologetic so that they could have worked through this instead of the situation escalating.
I'm going to guess cost is part of the issue. Depending on the car and the age of it parts can be stupidly expensive and not to mention if specialty tools are needed for that car.
This is my main thought too when trying to understand. My husband isn't interested in cars as a hobby but is a big DIY guy and we have had to buy our own parts to fix our vehicles before. Even parts for newer cars can get pricey, not including the specific tools you need to get as well. I myself have an art hobby and the price of products for it pale in comparison to car repair. Dad might be blowing too much money and adding emotionally damaging his kid to the mix might be too much for Mom to let slide at this point.
The fact your mothers second guess was that he had said something to upset you should tell you she knows he is doing a shit dad job. Not your fault OP. Your dad is a childish prick becuase instead of admitting his wrong words he got angry and then ran away. Like a fucking toddler.
It's so nice that you be empathetic and worried about how your dad feels. I wish he could manage to be empathetic and worry about how you feel, especially since he's the actual adult. Adults are supposed to be mentally developed enough not to say shitty things, lie about it and the run off my mommy and daddy's house when they are faced with the consequences. Has he called you to apologize, try to smooth things over or to see if you're okay? If not stop worrying about a grown ass man and feeling bad for him.
Yes he texted me last night before he went to bed.
I hope he apologized to you honey. None of what’s going on is your fault. I’m so happy for you that you are as thoughtful as you are, but remember that you don’t need to accept his apology until you feel it is genuinely sincere. Also, your mom and sister sound like they have issues that they need to work out with him, listen and be supportive but don’t let their feelings affect yours, and vice versa. Hugs darling, you’re doing great.
That's a strike in his favor!
What'd he say?
But it isn’t your fault. People are ganging up on him because he did something wrong. No parent should talk the way he did - even if the child isn’t present in the room. He is a crap father. Yes these words don’t make what else he did disappear, but they do change how subconsciously he treated you differently than what he would have if you were the “type of son he always wanted”. Parents need to embrace the differences between themselves and their children. It’s is the parents job to find things to bond over and recognize that their interests may not align 100% but that is okay. And to bond over the ones that do align. Don’t blame yourself. The only one to blame is your father. UpdateMe!
I blame him for leaving. He’s supposed to be the father and the man in the house. Instead he runs from his problems. The fact that your mom went straight to cheating tells me that there are issues in their relationship that have absolutely nothing to do without. Don’t blame yourself for this outcome. Your dad is grown enough to create children, he’s grown enough to deal with them as people.
He is an adult. People were yelling at him because he tried to gaslight you about what he said and because what he said is very, very shitty. Him leaving is not understandable. There are consequences for your actions and he should understand that, like the adult he is. He is not a victim here, and it saddens me that you see the situation the way you do. I am 33 years old and it would break my heart if i heard my father say that about me, and i can guarantee you that our relationship would forever be changed, even if i forgave him. What he said is not something that a loving father should ever say. You are your own person, with your own interests. Your father should celebrate you for who you are, not wish you were just a copy of him.
Your mom is probably right. He was embarrassed his lies didn't hold up, embarrassed he was caught saying that, and embarrassed that your mom was RIGHTFULLY calling him out. Hopefully, once emotions are cool, you guys can talk things out and he gives you the apology he owes you. Please remember the fault here is with one person and you are not him.
This might sound stupid because no one here really knows my dad or our relationship, but he did mean the apology he gave me. He said “Hey I’m sorry bud” and tried to hug me. He only calls me bud when he’s being 100% serious about something. Like telling me someone is in the hospital kind of serious. And he sounded completely genuine when he said it. I just hate that he didn’t start there instead of trying to lie his way out first.
[удалено]
bullseye. That he tried to lie his way out of it and shameful shameful action.
Nah, that doesn't sound stupid at all. You know him and experienced him in that moment, so I believe you. But as a parent and a daughter with a dad like that, I can't help but be angry for you. I spent most of my life doing what I thought would earn his admiration or at the very least his attention. Nothing worked and it sucked because none of it fit my interests. I don't want that for anyone else. You are absolutely right that he should have owned up to his mistake instead of compounding it. You deserve so much better than his words and actions, and I hope he can be better from now on and that your relationship with him gets better in time.
Literally the same here, you worded so great why op’s situation just fires me up. I actually even had a similar hobbies with my father but it didn’t grant me any approval anyways. He just started to teach me something when he in the mood, stopped in the middle and next day he forgot about it. Every time. So yeah my point is it’s not about the shared interests at all.
I was never good enough for my mother so I know the hurt you feel. I am glad you think your dad was genuinely sorry that might ease your pain a little bit. But your dad is still in the wrong all the way around. And for that you shouldn’t feel bad. I get wanting him back. It sounds like you mostly feel loved by your dad. When I was very young I tried winning my mother’s approval and never could. So I get why him lying hurt too. If she had ever said sorry I might not still hear all the ways I wasn’t as good as my sister. This will hopefully just be a bump in the road for you and your dad. And once he’s cooled off he might come back and admit how wrong he was which will help as well. But either way, you need not to feel bad for how things turned out. He made his bed by lying now he needs to lay in it for a while. And him being gone might be his soul searching to figure out how to solve this with you. Until he comes back, it’s not going to help you to keep beating yourself up over all that happened. I would say relax until he comes back but I know that won’t happen either. But you do need to quit blaming yourself. It truly wasn’t your fault.
Could he possibly have said that cause he knew you would believe him that way? It's just the image you keep talking about of your dad is just really hard to reconcile with the dude that would rather lie and paint his kid as crazy or a liar against his family, rather than admit he fucked up and apologize from the start.
It doesn't sound stupid. We all have cue words that give context. My son (20 adopted) wants to be called son and not his first name. I have a real problem with that because in my family growing up being called "Son" was 1 step below the dreaded full name...it meant you had done wrong. You family sue word is Bud for being particularly serious and genuine, so def not stupid.
Thanks for understanding. I didn’t even wanna say it cause I knew people on here wouldn’t get it and some of them are already saying that he said it to try to manipulate me but that’s not it. Literally my sister will ask “Did he bud you?” or I’ll say “He budded me” to show how serious he was. Or if I get in trouble for something if he calls me bud I know he’s actually mad and not just a little annoyed (that doesn’t happen a lot).
Yes, your feelings are valid because that would hurt many people. With that said, take this as a learning experience in learning how to manage your emotions and advocate for yourself. Holding your feelings like and playing the silent treatment can do you no good. It won't help you with your emotional intelligence in the long run. You're becoming an adult and it's wise to learn how you deal with your emotions.
He meant it. He may even wish he could connect more with you. He’s wrong thinking you should connect over cars. You should connect because you’re father and son. You are two people - not one. You don’t have the same interests. You can be different people and love each other. Not all boys like cars, and some girls like cars. The good news is it appears your family really does love and care about each other. Have you considered writing your feelings down? Maybe a letter to your father? You can give it to him or even burn it afterwards. Sometimes putting feelings on paper helps process complex emotions.
I read your comment and I wonder if you have explained your feelings to your son and how calling him son has negative connotations from it. Is there another name/ term of endearment that you can say. Or could ask why being referred to as 'don' is vitally important to him. Or I could be way off the mark here and the issue has been sorted.
Sounds like he knows the same thing as you about the wording. He used that phrasing to make you believe it. A real apology has the reason they are sorry behind it. Not just "Hey, I'm sorry bud". Thats' the most pathetic apology I have ever heard.
Hey, I left a comment as well, but I wanted to point out, if feels like you and your family at large, are imidiately attributing your dad's words to maliciousnes, that he tried to lie/trick/gaslight you. Have you considered however that, in that moment he really didn't believe he said something like that? It's not uncommon for someone to remember the meaning they wished to convey, instead of the exact words they used at the moment. Happens to my mom a lot, which is why I've gotten to the habit of memorizing her wording to remind her. Instead of assuming the worst, try remembering that your dad, though it might seem like it when you're young, is not an infallible, all knowing human, and can in fact make mistakes, forget, and even be completely wrong about some things. He should have taken the time to really try and recall his own words, instead of imidiately denying it, and that's his screw up. But accusing him of 'trying to weasle his way out of it' essentially is very harsh, and your sister immediately jumping to gaslighting, which implies he was trying to manipulate you, even more so, especially when he was trying to, from what you're say, genuinely apologize for what he said. I urge you to try talking together as a family, cause right now things are still manageable but if you let the situation fester and not try to resolve anything, its not impossible it might get much worst. And while I don't know your plans for the future, if you plan on leaving for college soon, it'd suck a lot, and be really detrimental for your relationship with your dad in the future, if you spend some of the last months you'll be living together for a while bitter because he put his foot in his mouth when he was trying to make a kid still grieving for his dad feel better, instead of trying to communicate and work pass this. Instead of assuming he did it with the intent to lie to you, ask him 'why did you deny saying that when you knew I heard?' and tell him 'it hurt a lot to hear and it hurt even more when you kept denying it. It made me feel x, y, z' Talk about your feelings with your loved ones. It won't make you weak or any less of a man to do so.
It's a genuine apology but the hurt he caused isn't fixed by the word bud, as serious as it is. It starts with him actually fixing the issue; being your father and caring about what you do. My dad sure as hell doesn't care about the game I play, but he asks about it and we have good conversations about that and so many other things. Your father failed you and tried to replace you, and he needs to fix that over a long period of time. I'm sorry he said it and I hope he doesn't think bud fixes it. The problem isn't the car and he knows it. He's acting like a petulant child.
An apology, even a genuine apology, is not a magic fix for hurt feelings. Especially when it follows an attempt to discredit the person who was hurt.
There's no apology in the world that puts that genie back in the bottle. Like hearing you were a mistake, or that you should have been a girl, or any of the other careless offences parents cause by letting their mouth get away from them. Once said, it's out there in the world and never stops stinging.
Your mom is right. But let’s lay out the obvious points here: 1. Your dad said something that clearly articulated his respect for a son like Mason. 2. If he had just said immediately that was what he said, but his intent was to give Mason a pat on the back, he wouldn’t have lied. 3. You aren’t incorrect, OP, that if he had owned what he had said, you could respect it more. Feel some sympathy for him, but don’t let that manipulate you into letting go of the core of what he said and what he meant. But also he should know. If he’s disappointed in his son, he should now accept what a big disappointment he is to his wife and children.
Your dad's feeling a little bit of what you felt -- the difference is he's an adult with a car that can run away any time. You did good young man, this won't be your last battle -- learn from this EDIT: Also, shout out to your sister. Definitely make sure you always have her back!
No your father not only tried to lie but gaslight and blame you for not understanding. He said what he meant and you deserve better
Ya know they were ganging up on him because he did a horrible thing, and then lied about it? It's not like your mom and sister are overreacting here, and he *deserves* to feel embarrassed. He should feel even more embarrassed when he realizes he stormed out like a child about it. This is his fault, it isn't on you.
They were ganging up on him because he is wrong. He's supposed to love you or at least pretend well enough for who you are. It's his job to forge connections with you. He's the adult. You can't teach him to be a better parent and it's not your fault that you don't share the same hobbies. It's just human nature. We're all different.
Everyone was ganging up on him for good reason! He was wrong, and is not man enough to say so.
My father wasn't this hurtful to me as an adult, BUT, he was a grease monkey that was also an alcoholic. He spent all his free time in my youth in his garage drinking and working on cars. He would swear and yell at us if we went out there to engage with him. It was his therapy time and was repeatedly overly verbally abusive if we even came in the garage, but the alcohlism and and anger issues which he has worked on and are better now. We've bonded over other things that we talked about once I was a little older, but to this day he's disappointed I have zero interest in cars or getting to know about them. He made that bed and still has issues admitting he was wrong, and he repeatedly tells me he wishes he could share it now, sorry I have zero interest at this point.
You're right that no one likes being attacked. But I have a feeling based on your sister and your mom's reaction, that this is not completely new behaviour. This is likely repeated behaviour from him where he hurts others and instead of trying to own it and make amends to the other person, he tries to ignore it. Which leads to the other people hurting even more. This likely doesn't just affect you, but any close relationship he has. And will lead to others (rightfully) being resentful. Ask yourself this, if you said something that hurt someone, would you apologize for it? If the answer is yes, then why shouldn't your dad do the same? Don't feel guilty, just feel grateful you have people that love and support you as much as your mom and sister do. I'm sure your dad does to, but part of loving someone is acknowledging when you hurt them.
There was no ganging up hun, he's a grown man who took the cowards route. You said it yourself, if he hadn't lied and tried gaslighting you, perhaps you'd have felt more resolved. But he didn't. He left because that was easiest for him. A real man would have come clean and stuck out for the repercussions. A good father would have never said that to another persons kid he barely knew to begin with.
Man, that moment when your dad started lying to cover his ass instead of apologizing to you. Really lets you know who he is as a person, huh? You don't have to be a person like that, and you shouldn't. If your dad wasn't a coward he would have immediately admitted the truth. That's part of being a good parent - being honest with your children when you fuck up. It's part of being a good man as well (or good person if you prefer). Now you know who he really is. Just sucks. Sorry dude.
You are not wrong for your feelings. And you are not to blame for your sister, your mother or your father’s reactions to how you feel. They make those choices. And as a mom, I would bet money that your mom is both pissed about what he said but even more pissed that he tried to lie and cover it up. But I also believe this, your dad tried to lie and say it didn’t happen because he was ashamed of what he said and ashamed of the hurt he caused to you because he does love you. Shame and men are just two things that rarely go well together. Many men are taught to hide their feelings (good for you to be starting to break that b*llsh*t cycle) and so when they feel any emotion, they react with anger. But that anger reaction is NOT your fault. Your dad needs to feel his shame right now and I don’t believe he would be feeling that if he didn’t love you very much.
You’re not a failure! You opened up and said what was bothering you, that’s really the mature thing to do. Now you’re dad throwing a tantrum and that’s on him, never on you. You’re not responsible on the actions other people do.
Your dad lied, gaslit you, and tried minimizing the impact his actions had on you. He then throws a tantrum and storms out. Thats not acceptable at all. I’m sorry for everything from his comment to him storming out. You didn’t cause this or do anything wrong. He did. This is on him to fix. Hug friend. Also glad your sister has your back. She’s a real one. UpdateMe!
The fact that he denied it at first means that he knew it was hurtful for you to hear. I would be pissed off if my spouse said that too, it’s clear what it implies. There’s a good reason why both your mom and sister were also upset on your behalf as soon as they found out. There’s nothing wrong with trying to comfort someone in Mason’s situation, but there is absolutely no need to put down your own child to do so. Especially over something so trivial as liking cars.
“ There’s nothing wrong with trying to comfort someone in Mason’s situation, but there is absolutely no need to put down your own child to do so.” This part especially needed to be said. There are a few people defending the father, saying “he just wanted to make the orphan boy feel better”. When you’re a parent, your first priority should always be YOUR kids.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but none of this is your fault. You have done nothing wrong and you’re certainly not a failure. People have different hobbies and that’s okay. Why is it on you to take interest in your dad’s hobbies? He can take interest in one of your hobbies too. It sucks your dad tried to lie to cover his own ass instead of take accountability for what he said. I don’t think he was trying to put you down when he said those things but he did and it hurt you. He needs to own up to it and understand how his words have impacted you. This is not something you could have let go, if you didn’t address it with your parents, it would have haunted you forever
I want to give your dad the benefit of the doubt because he’s still a person even though he’s a parent and everyone royally fucks up sometimes. I don’t think your dad meant what his words implied. And I think he denied it because he honestly didn’t believe he’d ever say something to imply that you’re a disappointment to him. Until the moment you repeated the conversation you overheard verbatim, he really probably believed he never said it. I honestly think he was referring to his disappointment that yours and his relationship didn’t pan out exactly the way he had envisioned, and while he like you had accepted the way things are, Mason just happened to bring that to the forefront. The statement was more “I wish I could bond with my son in this way” and not “I’m disappointed my son isn’t like you.” Where your dad fucked up even more was not seeking a different way for the two of you to forge that super close bond by finding something you both could get into to bond over. You obviously love your dad, and you seem really level headed. I hope you can consider this different perspective on behalf of every parent who loves their kid deeply but has also cut them just as deeply with an offhand, thoughtless remark.
If it was a 'misunderstanding' as he claims then he wouldn't have denied it and gaslighted you. Therefore he knew damn well what he said was wrong and hurtful.
So, when presented with the reason you’re upset, your father: -Denies it flat out, calling you a liar, then -Gaslights you, saying *you* misunderstood him, then -Attempts to justify his words, then -Throws a diversionary hissy fit, claiming you all hate his beloved hobby when, no…you hate his insulting statement, then -Storms out in cowardly rage to run from his actions and not having to hear any more from all of you meanies. OP, you’re *so* NTA. Your father needs to learn that when one makes a mistake, one needs to admit it, own up to it, *apologize* and make every effort to ensure it’s never repeated.
Exactly! He picked all the wrong choices. OP should stay mad at him tbh. What a horrible dad.
very well said.
I went through years of both my parents saying how great other people's kids were compared to my siblings and I, what your dad said is disgusting and the fact he tried to lie about it is worse . Don't feel bad about telling your mother, and don't you dare blame yourself for having different interests than your father, he failed you, not the other way around
You shouldn't feel bad or anything, your dad's the one who did wrong. I wish more parents would appreciate their children for them and their actual interests rather than not taking any interest. It's not fair that he tried to make you like cars and then when you didn't he let someone else in. He should love you for who you are and for what you like and enjoy- your dad shouldn't base it off of common interests you have as he's your dad and he is meant to take an interest in your interests
I’d like to think that your dad’s denial and anger are defense mechanisms, and that he actually feels guilty about it. Your mom putting it on his hobby gave him an outlet to redirect it to something he could justifiably be angry about and he took it. Not that this excuses ANYTHING that he did. I think he felt like he was doing a kindness for your neighbor, and what he said would be uplifting to a kid who lost his dad. But even if it wasn’t what he intended or meant to communicate, he did something that made you feel less than a loved son. He needs to rectify this. The only “mistake” here (and I hesitate to even call it that given your age) is that you kept it bottled up to the point where this blew up. But this is completely understandable- this was a horribly new situation involving one of the people you would normally go to in order to ask for guidance with something so painful and complex. OP, I’d talk to your mom and let her know your feelings - specifically that punishing your dad (stop working on cars, cutting off the neighbors) isn’t what you want. She may unintentionally make things worse even though her heart is in the right place in going momma bear over you. Your dad needs to know how you really feel too. That you’re not angry for being kind to your neighbor, but that it came at your expense. There’s obviously some work that needs to go in your relationship, but it needs to start with him recognizing his mistake here and owning up to it, especially the BS denial and gaslighting he tried to pull. Maybe it came as a defensive reaction, maybe he honestly misremembered what he said - but he needs to own the truth. Maybe showing him this post is a start - it’s an honest capture of how you feel and might help him understand where you’re really coming from. However- if he doesn’t come forward with honest regret and keeps deflecting/ being passive-aggressive? Then maybe he’s not worth the respect and love you’re giving him. I hate to think that he would be such a small and belligerently ignorant person who’s more interested in convincing everyone (including himself) that he did nothing wrong, but if that’s the case - you can walk away with some wisdom instead. You’ll learn a lesson about what kind of father you want to be one day - either your dad will be a role model or the example of what not to do. The choice is his.
It's not your fault. Your dad is just an asshole.
It’s not your fault dude, they’re meant to be the adults in this situation but the way, quite honestly, both of them handled it doesn’t show great amounts of emotional maturity. I understand heat of the moment centring their own feelings but really they should have been thinking a lot more about you. Hopefully once both have cooled off you can have a proper conversation about it and maybe going to your uncle’s house will give your dad some time to think. I’m sorry this was the result, it really sucks but there’s still a chance for them both to rectify the situation.
You need to talk to your mom. If your dad is forced into this, he will resent you all. Just say something like. “Dad is allowed to have his hobbies. Just as I am allowed to have mine. Sister and mom too. But I will learn to accept that Dad is disappointed in me for not being a carbon copy of him. But I don’t think mason should suffer for Dads poor actions and choices.” Or don’t. It came out bitchier than I thought.
I don’t really think any of the family cares about his hobby or whether he has to stop. They want him to stop even though he does it for 2 days a month ffs
I think the father should have to cut all contact with Mason.
That broadly covers the right points. OP is only 17yo, and his Dad and he just haven't found something his Dad can yet see worth of being proud of. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his son, or is disappointed. The whole family have turned a hurtful and serious, but manageable, issue into a bonfire.
By leaving the house that way, your dad is playing the victim. Same when he said he'd get rid of the car. It's not about the car, it's about what he said about you. Replace 'cars' with any other activity and it would still be about what he said and that's on him, not you. At this time it'd be a good idea to let everyone calm down before trying to talk again. Maybe you could talk to a counsellor at school who could guide how to address this. I understand it absolutely hurts; I still remember stupid stuff my parents told me. I know that right now you don't believe us when we say it's not your fault. Unfortunately, I don't have any magic words that would help you feel better. I can only say that communicating your feelings with something like [Beck2010](https://www.reddit.com/user/Beck2010/) is a good idea. Keeping your hurt and resentment only makes things bigger and harder. And that's not your cross to carry.
NTA. And please, please understand: none of this is your fault. You are your father's son - not his father or his buddy. It is not your job to tailor your interests to fit his - on the contrary, it is his job to take an interest in your interests and bond with you. Your father hurt you badly when he said Mason was the kind of son he would have liked to have. He hurt you again, when he denied it and tried to gaslight you. He is the one who hurt your family, not you. And on another note - your mother was right to insist on an explanation. This hurt has been festering inside you, and without bringing it into the open it would have continued to hurt and poison you. Things will be uncomfortable for a while, but you have no responsibility for that. Just do your thing, go on with your life, and let your parents sort this out. It is their job, not yours.
Honey I wish I could hug you now. Don't feel bad for the way things ended up, it's not your fault. This is simply the consequences of someone's actions. Your Dad simply shot himself by lying, trying to gaslighted you all, the way he acted up, in the end what he said was just the trigger for his own downfall, he chose this, he could have been humble and acknowledged that he said that and the he effed up, but He didn't, he chose to be a dick and that it's just the consequences. For your mom and sister to react that way, this simply looks like the final straw, they are so done with your Dad's behavior. Don't feel bad for saying the truth. I once had my mom said to me something extremely hurtful and those words sometimes live rent free on my head. For a bit of background, my parents had me way too young (both being 18 n fresh out of HS), but we all love to tease and make fun (in a none cruel way) of one another. When I was 14, while I was teasing her none stop and acting like a drama queen to just push her buttons (all in good laugh) and I dramatically asked her: "What did I ever did to you?" And my mom maybe just had it with me, look straight to me and said: "Be born"; ofc inmediately my laugh turned into nothing and I honestly felt my heart tugged and I burst into tears, my Dad who had his back to us while typing away on the computer, inmediately turn around and hug me and torn my mom a new one, since he was shocked by my mom's reaction. My mom immediately began apologizing and begging for forgiveness, explaining that I had just push her to her limit, that she didn't mean it. I mean she own it up and in a few days I did ended up accepting her apology, but those words still hurt me almost 30 years ago. If I that I got an actual apology and recognition of the major effing up, still feel sad when I remember it, I can't even comprehend the pain you must be experiencing and the reactions of you mom and sister it's the very least way you reacted when a love one gets hurt. Things sometimes need to explode in order for them to get better or to end a vicious cycle. Is now up to your Dad if he chooses to man up and acknowledge his terrible actions towards all of you and tries to make emends and proves it (No empty words to simply shut you all) or decides that his Ego and narcissism is bigger than the love and well-being of his family and it's a hill he decides is worth to die for, then you are better off without him. This is your FATHERS and his only FAULT, do you hear me? You are the innocent victim here, don't blame yourself over anything that has happened. I send you a huge hug, hang in there.
No, no, no. You are just fine, many lovely people don't give a damn about cars. Me for instance. Your father is acting like a martyr, poor little guy isn't allowed to have a hobby. BS, he said something hurtful and lied about it. He screwed up massively, and still won't admit it.
Nobody was ganging up he was just being called on his bs and lies and was shown that he’s not trustworthy and he is a lair Your dad should be ashamed for what he said then lying about it then gaslighting. If truly sorry you don’t make excuses you don’t gaslight you excuse you fucked up Your NTA you and your sister are amazing
You can’t forgive someone who isn’t sorry. He can’t apologize if he won’t even admit what he did. He’s acting like an immature brat throwing a tantrum because he doesn’t want to admit he did something wrong. I’m so sorry that he treated you like that. A good parent isn’t disappointed in their kid just because they were hoping for a different kind of kid. A good parent values their kid for who they actually are.
I think, but I might be completely wrong, that Mason was looking for some sort of father figure or something similar in your dad, and your dad knew it. Not saying that's what happened tho, just saying that since Mason's dad is dead and your dad has the same hobbies he shared with his, he might have unconsciously searched for it, and your dad might have used it to his advantage, having someone young and impressionable to share a hobby with. Still, what he said was messed up, and the way he reacted by trying to gaslight you was just as messed up, and none of it is your fault, and you shouldn't blame yourself.
It's not your fault. Everyone has different interests. Sure, your dad may not like that you don't want to work on care, but that's a thing for him to say behind closed doors, not to your neighbor. And the fact he tried to deny that is insane, to me. If you say something, you should stick to it. There's a lot of room here for therapy, and I think that needs to happen.
One bit of advice I'd offer. Your sister and mother are defending you, and love you, and that is good. But sometimes people defend you without asking what *you* want. Maybe ask to sit down with mom and sis and say what you wish could happen, and then see if you can have that conversation again with all four of you. A therapist might be a good idea too. A lot of people are upset, and that isn't making things better for you. The goal is you being happuly and your family being happy...
Poor kid. On a year when I was struggling with depression, I got a birthday card from my parents with only the printed message and their signatures. My sister put her cards out on her table to display around her birthday, and I got to read the short essays they each wrote to her including that she was the daughter they always dreamed of having. It’s really hard to forget things like that and it wasn’t the first time. Of course mine also tried to deny it ever happened. I think these types of parents know it’s not kind and in fact quite hurtful. And in their minds they think “I’m not a bad parent” and tell themselves that it didn’t happen or couldn’t possibly mean what any other reasonable person would think it meant.
I don't know if they're denying they did that, or simply forgot they had. Adults do have a lot on their mind, & sometimes they aren't mindful of things. This is not to say you don't have the right to have been hurt by this. Sometimes people are jerks by accident. NB -- Please ignore the above if that was just one example from a long list of them showing more affection to your sister than to you. One isolated incident can be forgiven; a pattern of these show clear favoritism, & was wrong.
I’d hardly bother posting and say “it wasn’t the first time” if that was a one time event.
You're right. I apologize.
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. It isnt your fault. Your dad is an adult he needs to face his responsibilities and consequences of his actions. Stop making excuses for him.
You are still not in the wrong here. Your dad realizes that he has been caught, he tried to lie to you and gaslight you, then when he was caught again, he decided to make it everyone else's fault, blow up over something that wasn't actually significant in the argument, and storm out. Instead of handling this situation like a mature adult and just being honest, and apologizing, your dad decided to defend defend defend, deny deny deny, and then leave so that hopefully you will all forget about this by the time he gets back. This is the act of a child. This is the act of a child who has never been told no. This is the act of a child when they're told they can't have candy in the store. These are not the actions of an adult, who is supposedly mature enough to be married and a father. Hold your ground. Hold him accountable for what he said. And if he tries to downplay it or change the subject, don't let him. "I have absolutely no issues with your hobby, I have issues with how you spoke about our neighbor to him, with how you hurt me, refuse to acknowledge it, lied to my face, and then instead of actually apologizing and owning up to what you said, stormed out of here like a child. That is what I have an issue with. And until you can change that behavior, and actually apologize for what you said and mean it, our relationship will not ever be near what it was".
NTA (Not the A$$hole) for not forgiving your dad and for feeling the way you do. This situation is complex and emotionally charged, and your feelings are valid. Here’s why you’re not the asshole: 1. **Hurtful Comment**: Your dad's comment was deeply hurtful. It’s understandable that you’d be affected by hearing him express that someone else is the kind of son he wanted. This would be painful for anyone to hear. 2. **Initial Denial**: Your dad’s initial reaction to deny what he said and then lie about it only added to your hurt. It’s challenging to forgive someone when they don’t immediately own up to their mistake and try to gaslight you into thinking you misunderstood. 3. **Emotional Impact**: You have every right to feel hurt and upset. Your feelings of anger and betrayal are valid, especially considering the significance of the words and the impact they had on you. 4. **Complex Family Dynamics**: This situation is complicated by the family dynamics and the presence of Mason. Your dad might have been trying to comfort Mason, but the way he did it was insensitive to you. However, it’s also important to acknowledge that this has now led to a larger family conflict. 5. **Your Mom’s Reaction**: Your mom’s reaction, although strong, shows that she is supportive of you and acknowledges the gravity of the situation. She also seems to be dealing with her own hurt and anger, which has led to some harsh decisions and statements. Here are some steps you might consider to navigate this difficult situation: 1. **Communication**: When things have calmed down, try to have a more open and honest conversation with your dad. Explain to him why his words hurt you so much and how his initial denial made it worse. This might help him understand the full impact of his actions. 2. **Family Therapy**: Suggest family therapy. This can provide a safe space for all of you to express your feelings and work through this conflict with the help of a professional. 3. **Self-Reflection**: Continue to reflect on your own feelings and try to separate your self-worth from your dad’s insensitive comment. Remember, you are not a failure because of someone else’s words or hobbies. 4. **Support System**: Lean on your support system, whether it’s friends, other family members, or a therapist. Talking through your feelings can be incredibly helpful. It’s a tough situation, but it’s clear you care about your family and want to find a way to move forward. Take the time you need to process your emotions and approach reconciliation at a pace that feels right for you.
No offense, but your dad needs to learn how to grow some cojones and be a father to YOU. You're not a failure because you don't have interest in what your dad likes. That's not how that works. Maybe your mom was going a little overboard, but it's understandable, and so are YOUR feelings as well. Hopefully your dad will come back home and apologize to YOU SPECIFICALLY with tears and a whole day to hang out 🙂
Kid...god,ok First of, your dad should have come clean from the get go. Though I feel that, in his head, he really didn't say it like that. It's not unusually to remember what you intended to convey instead of the exact words you used. I'm not saying he wasn't in the wrong for denying it, he really should have taken more time to think back to what he said, but it feels like you're attributing his potential forgetfulness to malicious intent. Much like your sister who imidiately accused him of gaslighting you. Second of all, you're not a bad person, and you shouldn't have let it go. It hurt you deeply so it's something you gotta ket your family know. But that's where you fucked up. One word. COMMUNICATE. It doesn't make you any less of a man, or weak, or anything like that. It's incredibly healthy for you, and it helps avoid misunderstandings. You're 17, while not an adult, you should know that. Shutting down, ignoring him and not giving a reason? That's not the mature thing to do, and you know you've taken it too far when your mom is accusing your dad of cheating on her. Right now, you need to take steps to mend things. Talk with your mom first, then your sister and then your dad. And seriously, have a one on one talk with your dad. Maybe not now, but it needs to happen. Cause God knows it must have sucked having your whole family turn on you, for saying something with the best of intentions, and not realizing you put your foot in your mouth, right after realizing you hurt your kid, after a days of both your kids ignoring you and having your wife accuse you of cheating. Your feelings are valid, and your dad needs to do better. But so should you. You're almost an adult, and if you want your future relationships to last, you need to learn to convey when you're hurt and when you need love, or support, or to sit down and talk. Right now your family feels fractured, but hopefully everything will be fine. Your mom did not handle the situation well either, shouting at your father was not the way to resolve the situation, but I imagine that was from all the days and all the stress from her wild theories bottling up and spilling out. You're the kid, they're the adults. They have to resolve the situation, and they will. But you need to take accountability for not talking about the issue. Be willing to talk. Be willing to listen, and not assume the worst, and be willing to forgive. And also, don't forget that your dad loves you. You said yourself that he spends time with you, and I'm sure he's been proud of you many times. You're not a failure, nor a disappointment. You're loved. Take your time. Put your thoughts in some order, and try to talk with your mom about how you feel. This is all coming from a guy who grew up without a dad, and having someone say what your dad said to the other kid would have meant the world.
It's not your fault, sweetie. Your dad is basically the stereotypical jock dad that's disappointed his son isn't into sports like he is. Did your dad have any siblings? If so, were any of your grandpa's kids not into cars? Does your dad know how they felt? Regardless, he said something hurtful and unforgivable, lied and tried to gaslight you, your mom and your sister to try to get himself out of trouble rather than manning up and taking responsibility for his actions, then threw a temper tantrum and stormed off. Your sister is mad, because even she understood that was a shitty thing for your dad to say. Your mom went off on him so hard for the same reason. What he should have done was apologized for hurting your feelings and promised to try to do better. I have a son your age. He can make computers stand up and talk, do math problems that make my brain spin, count cards, and will willingly play card/board/computer games ALL day if I let him. (That is so not me!) Board games aren't really my thing, but I will play with him for hours on end (while he kicks my butt unmercifully) because I know I only have a few fleeting years with him before he's off on his own, and his laugh literally makes my day. It's great that your dad taught you a bit about cars because that's a good life skill to have, but you don't need to force yourself to pretend to like cars. You are special and wonderful just the way you are, and HE should have made an effort to find a way to spend time with you even if it's doing something he's not crazy about, because he chose to have you, you didn't get a say, and before he knows it, you will be an adult out on your own in the world. If he's not careful, he might look up from under the hood one day and realize he doesn't have a relationship with you. I sincerely hope he comes back with his tail tucked between his legs, embarrassed at the way he reacted, and apologizes. But if he doesn't and he stays mad, just remember it's not your fault no matter what happens after this, OK? It's his. Hugs from an internet mama.
Dude your sister got mad on your behalf because what your father did was beyond f***** up. And the fact he tried lying about it is what pissed off your mother, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Your father said something that no father should ever utter if he actually cares about his kids. He is a coward of a man for first trying to lie, then gas light, then running away. And I do feel sorry for you but the veil is now gone you will start seeing more faults in him.
NTA Sorry your dad's a liar.
Updateme!
Don't feel bad. You are valid just the way you are. Your dad is a POS who lies and deflects blame to cover his ass, then throws hissy fits when nobody buys his bullshit.
Updateme!
Updateme
Not the dad playing the victim..🤦🏻♂️ Your hobby is not the problem is your mindset and your inability to take responsibility and apologise for what you said
There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not a failure, you don’t owe your father any love for his hobby. He’s the one in the wrong and he must understand that.
I am on your side. He was gaslighting you, then denying the truth, and downplaying the whole thing as if your feeling didn't matter. He is an AH and he knows it. Don't feel bad. He has a lifetime to pay for what he said about you. Don't apologise to him either.
Your dad is acting like a toddler.
When he comes back, let him (and your mom) read what you wrote (both posts). My heart goes out to you, you've put in words beautifully how you feel and you love your parents very much. Take the text and print it, don't include comments because they do not matter in this context. You don't want to tell your dad what the internet thinks of him, you want to tell him what YOU think of him.
NTA. Your dad is toxic, and it was shameful what he said. He felt no remorse but just sorry for being caught saying that.
>I feel really bad Don't feel bad. You didn't screw this up. This was a situation that worked for everybody. Mason had somebody to teach him about cars and let him work on one. Your dad had somebody to share his hobby with. You had time off and knew your dad had somebody to spend time with, so it was fine for you to not care about cars. It was a win-win-win situation for everybody involved. But your dad just had to go and make it super weird and uncomfortable for everybody. That's not your fault. Your feelings are valid. It was right to talk about it. Your dad failed a second time when he gaslit you. You did not fail. He failed. Twice. I'm sorry you have to put up with this. But do not feel bad about anything. None of this is your fault.
NTA I understand you love your father but he was out of line. Your father knew what he said and how he feels about you not sharing the same hobbies as him. I’ve always said if I had a kid, they could do or be whatever and I wouldn’t give a damn because of love.
OP, every family has differences. Not everyone will share your likes and dislikes, hobbies, or interests. As parents were supposed to cheer you on, listen and be supportive, even if we don't quite understand. It's part of being a parent. Your dad, with a few words, has pretty much tanked any relationship you have, had, or will have in the future. None of this is your fault. Be proud of who you are.
Oh boy, gaslighting, I’ve definitely heard that before. You’re not in the wrong at all, man. You stood up for yourself, made your feelings known and stood your ground, not everyone can do that and you should be proud you did that. I wish I could’ve called my dad out on the shit he said and did when I had the chance. The fact that your dad tried to deny what he said and gaslight you, only telling the truth when he was pressed on it is shitty. Your dad is facing the consequences of his actions and definitely should’ve handled it much more maturely rather than throwing a tantrum like a two year old. Hope things get better once he has time to collect his thoughts, for now, spend time with and talk with your mom and sister. Edit: Also don’t feel bad for not being into something that just doesn’t interest you, it’s like that with my stepdad too, I’m not interested in jeeps and though I kinda feel bad about it, at the same time I don’t
You did nothing wrong. Your mom might have kept some feelings in because she thought everything was fine. She has realized it’s not and that she’s actually not happy with the way your household is. This is not your fault.
Damn OP your dads an actual clown how’s he gonna say that then not have the balls to admit it when he’s being called out, he ain’t a good dad my dude
Love that shiny spine on the sister. Dad’s the AH! It’s easy to praise someone without insulting your own kids. NTA
I hope your uncle tells him to wake up that his words hurt people
Stop blaming yourself, your mom probably has also felt resentful about him spending so much time in his damn car.
Man, this reminds me so much of my dad. He put cars over our family, especially me (his only surviving daughter) and he missed out on so much. I have to say your mom is amazing. I wish my mom would have stepped up and told my dad off like that. Don't feel bad. This took me a long to learn, but you are not at fault for your parents actions/words. Don't feel bad because you aren't into cars. You are allowed to have your own interests and dislikes. You are you and if your dad can't see you for all your positives, he's a bad parent. As parents (I'm a mom) it's our job to encourage our kids to love themselves and explore their interests. Don't take his sulking to heart. Stay strong and be yourself, be proud of being yourself, alright? After all there's only one of you.
He'd rather lie than fix it with you.
Honesty, Ithink its believablethat your dad may genuinely believe he was doing something good for Mason, but the thing is, if it's true, he went at it in a very dumb way. Actions have consequences, but also, it should be appropriate. I think it's best that you told the truth. it's the only way for everyone to move forward. Now, as to the actual consequences, I think that the hobby itself is fine. Your dad shouldn't need to get rid of it. Your mom was a bit out of line with what she demanded, but she's not wrong in some ways, your dad needs to make things right. What was broken was your trust in your father actually loving you since you dont share the hobby. The hobby isn't the problem. it's that he really hoped for that connection with his son, you, got that with Mason, and put his foot in his mouth TWICE, once by what he said, and once more by denying it, thus cementing how broken your trust is. I'm pretty sure there was no malice, just being a dumbass when his emotions run high, be it passion when its about his hobby, or embarrassment because he realized he goofed up and couldn't handle the pressure when the stress was on him. I'm fairly sure he genuinely didn't realize that his words to Mason could be interpreted wrongly and didn't mean wrong, I've been there and saw it wayyyy too ften from people in general. It's not unsalvageable as a relation. Your father made a fool of himself twice and broke your trust. That's what needs to be solved. It needs him to acknowledge his two fuckups, aka, the poor choice of words, AND lying about it when he realized. You know your father best. If he doesn't usually put a lot of care in his choice of words and is usually trying to be good, then it's most likely misunderstanding and embarrassment that he handled in the qorst way possible. He has work to do, starting with accou tability for his mistakes. Good luck op, emotions seems high right now, so don't do anything drastic. Once emotions settle down, you all need to look at how to make it right, and that's on him, but it's salvageable. He got to step over his pride for a bit. Edit to add: People nowadays hope and expect others too be wayyyy too many things at once. You cant be a whole villeage, aka, be his son, and his friend, and share his hobby, and yada yada. Same for partners in marriage and stuff. It's for the best if the stars align, but reality usually doesnt work that way, so, he has to be content with whatever he has, its too bad you dont like cars as much, but thats not anyones fault. Its fine to have hopes that you would, his feelings of wanting that are valid, but how he reacted to those feelings is his responsibility, both that you dont like cars like that, and that his stress got to him and he lied about what he said. He reacted poorly, out of embarasment, and that has consequences
Dude, when confronted with the truth, your father lied, denied, and tried to gaslight you. He tried to pay the victim to make you second-guess yourself and feel sorry for everyone but you. The fact that he knew exactly where to go to make you feel bad makes me think he's the kind of person who does that often. Your father has a fundamental character flaw. This is not about him liking cars or you not liking cars. This is about him being a bad person. A manipulative asshole who doesn't deserve your love or even Mason's friendship. You have more character in your pinky finger than that loser father has in his entire useless body.
Kid your dad fucked up so bad… he could have worded stuff to Mason differently! He fucked up so much.
Don’t feel bad about yourself. Your dad is immature. Both mom and sis‘ actions make me think that there are some other issues as well. If your dad not fix it, there will be more problems future in family. So close your mouth won’t fix anything.
Too bad your father is not a man your mother can be proud of, or a father your sister and you can be proud of. He’s doesn’t seem like the type anyone dreams of. He says that crap over cars instead of finding common ground with you in something else. He’s the disappointment here. What a lousy person. Then he lies and runs away. Instead of owning his mistake and making amends. What a pathetic example of an adult he is to run and hide from the problem he created. You should not feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Your father is a douche and I’m so sorry.
First and foremost, YOU are NOT a failure for not liking cars. You are your own person with your own likes. You're father is a fucking jackass. For saying it and then denying it like a coward. Ask your mom about speaking with a therapist, or talk with a councilor at your school. The burden of this guilt is not yours, it's your father's. You have NOTHING to be guilty for. You're brave for finally telling your mother. She is your ally, so please don't keep your feelings bottled in. All that will lead to is more hardship for you in the long run. Forgiving your father is your choice and no one can force you. Take all the time you need and don't let him bully you into 'letting it go' because that's for his benefit not yours.
NTA. I (60/F) was a HUGE tomboy. My Dad was my hero from an early age. I REALLY wanted to KNOW about cars, not to the extent that YOUR Dad IS, but MY Dad would change the oil on both family cars, change the breaks pads and rotors (I think it is?) and actually reverse down our dead-end street to tighten them afterwards, just the general maintenance you USED to be able to do (no clue if you still can, HE long since stopped. He refused to show me or even allow me to watch him (we didn't have a garage so he just did the work in our driveway on risers). He was also a Hunter and DID actually take me to a "Hunters Safety Course" when I was 12 which I passed above all the other preteens and teenagers, both boys and girls, but refused to ever actually TAKE me hunting afterwards after promising to all my young life. He also PROMISED me I could have "my Mother's" .22 rifle that he bought her and she only used a couple of times. Because I was A GIRL. As soon as my Brother was born 5 years after me, he'd STILL promise me things I don't think he ever had ANY intention on delivering on. But I WAS CRUSHED when, as an adult, I found out he gave the rifle to my Brother. **YOU AREN'T A FAILURE,** your Father is! He somehow never learned that you are your OWN individual, with a separate personality and wants/desires and interests. HE should have been looking into hobbies or activities that interested YOU or found things you could enjoy TOGETHER! Doesn't matter IF he wanted to make Mason "feel good" on Father's Day after losing HIS Dad, what he ACTUALLY said was HORRIBLE! And, you're right, he compounded his error (and unintended cruelty) by trying to gaslight you or make you question yourself instead of "owning up to it" and apologizing! He's a LIAR and a COWARD! Then he ridiculously overcorrected and tried to make you feel sorry (or guilty) for him by claiming "he'd get RID of his car and hobby." This is SO juvenile! YOU did NOTHING wrong! He made a grave error in judgment and words! SOME words are crushing! It's ONLY up to YOU whether you forgive him or not! But HE owes you a MASSIVE apology. You may want to ask your Mother if you can see a therapist to help you deal with his **REJECTION!** Because you may THINK you're "over it" but you're NOT! You SHOULDN'T be questioning **your worth** or whether YOU did something wrong! **AGAIN, YOU DIDN'T!** Greatest of luck, dear! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success! u/updateme
Sorry your dad is a PoS. Im a dad. I would never even think what he said outload. You did nothing wrong. All i want or need from my kids is them being healthy and end up in a better state then I am. If they dont like my hobbies and interests I'll learn about thiers. My dad told me to my face how he wishes I was more like my younger brothers as they all enjoy his hobbies. Im in my 30s and its just one of many reasons we have a strained realtionship.
NTA, yeah your dad just sucks. He tries to lie and claim it never happened. He tried to gaslight you. He then pulled the guilt manipulation move of acting as if the car was the problem and that he will just get rid of the car. The real answer OP is that your dad is just a toxic POS. You should stop engaging and stop expecting so much from him. He doesn’t want you as a child, and you don’t want a father like him. This a growth opportunity for you. You can realize that family is who is there and who you choose , so love your sister and your mom, but just continue ignoring your dad. It will get easier and easier.
A good dad would try to engage in YOUR hobbies with you instead of forcing his hobbies onto you...
It's not your fault that your dad is acting like a dickhead. His explanation is bs. He keeps deflecting to avoid taking responsibility for what he said and the effect his words are having on you. None of this is your fault.
Honey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Everyone has a right to have their own hobbies and interests. Your Dads hobbies aren't somehow better, more interesting, or more valid than yours. What he said was fucked up and it's a sign of his failure as a father, nothing at all to do with who you are as a person. A good Dad embraces who their children are as individuals. Is it normal to want to share something with your kids? Absolutely. What isn't normal is devaluing your children as people because they're not your carbon copy. Your Dad not only said something wildly inappropriate he then tried to lie about it and throw you under the bus. That's why your mom is mad, because he is showing the glaring flaws in his character. You deserve a better Dad than that. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with who you are. Mason is not better than you by virtue of liking cars. Your Dad is a fool for what he said and he's even more of a fool for what he's incapable of seeing. Don't ever let him convince you that you're not enough.
Sweetheart, your relationship with your dad is permanently fractured. It can be fixed it will just take a lot of time, effort, and love. This is not on you. He’s your dad. He never should have said those words. This is not on you. Don’t take this guilt on.
You all need family therapy. It’s not your fault OP
It is your fault you’re destroying the family. I don’t believe anything you said and your sister is useless. Updateme!
This is so sad. I'm so sorry OP. I'm sure you are a great kid. Nothing that happened is your fault. Your dad screwed up and refused owning up to it until he had no choice. Now that the thing is out, maybe you could talk to your dad. And also therapy since hearing his voice saying that when you see him sound like a trauma. You are not a failure. Not loving cars doesn't define you
You didn't do anything wrong. Your dad is POS for saying that and then denying it. He's a POS for not taking an interest in what you like to do, even if he doesn't like it. He's POS for acting like a coward and a baby saying just get rid of the car and he leaves to his brother's. He's a great example of a terrible father.
Oh honey I think everyone got caught up in their feelings and I don’t think anyone was wrong about their feelings. You were hurt by what you heard. Your sister and mother hurt for you. Mason is missing his dad on Father’s Day. Your father tried to help Mason, unknowingly hurting you and then was embarrassed and upset that he hurt you. A lot of the people I know who worked on cars with their dad, it was more about the time spent and the conversation and the connection that happened while they were working on the car. It made Dad feel like he was teaching the kid something but also allowed them to connect in a special way. I’m so sorry. I feel like there’s been a lot of deflection off of the real issues. I don’t think his car hobby is the issue and I don’t think he should have to give it up. I don’t even think Mason is the issue, I think your father had good intentions there. I think you and your dad need to find something you can enjoy doing together and spend time with each other. It doesn’t have to be some lifelong hobby, it can be anything. Doing puzzles, playing card or board games, going for hikes, grilling, landscaping, going to museums, geocaching, playing video games. You and your Dad just need time together to connect. All of that said, your feelings are real and valid. I’m so sorry you are hurting. I really hope you and your Dad can find a way to heal this hurt. 💚
You shouldn’t have let it go. It was the right thing telling them. You need to be able to speak your pain and be heard. Your dad needs be an adult and take responsibility for the pain he’s caused everyone, and he needs some therapy to learn how to be a better father. Because not appreciating his amazing kids for who they are, then lying and gaslighting is not being a good father. He clearly doesn’t understand that this just became a core memory for you and will be with you for the rest of your life. Even with all the other good things, his words are a part of you now. He needs to realize that. And own up to it. Please don’t ever be afraid of speaking out when someone hurts you. You deserve peace and respect.
NTA It's not your fault your dad is a cunt.
Truthfully, you should have confronted your Dad about what he said soon after he said it. I'm not sure what you expected to achieve by giving him the silent treatment and then not explaining why you were mad. I think a quick confrontation one-on-one with your father might have resulted in a quick apology from him. As to not being a car guy, we all have different interests and hobbies. There's nothing wrong with that. Regarding your father, look for common interests you have with him to bond over.
NTA. This is all your father’s fault. 100%. His comment was incredibly hurtful, and lying about it when confronted was an act of cowardice on his part. You did nothing immoral in this story. Perhaps you should have told your mother the first time she asked what was wrong, but I am sympathetic to why you wouldn’t - your father’s comment would make parents hard to trust.
You're not a failure! He is an adult who made a mistake and then tried to lie when he was caught. That is not your fault in anyway. Things are uncomfortable right now, but they will get better. People don't often react well in the heat of the moment, they need time to think and process! Best of luck!
I agree with your dad. You made a sweet comment to the kid about you. Then you tried to turn your entire family against him and you wonder why he wanted someone who actually liked him for a kid. YTA.
Hell no Ur dad is the biggest lying asshole on the planet. Sat there and lied to his family. That just shows u the respect he has for u Ur mom and Ur sister. To lie and gaslight then storm out like a child throwing a tantrum. I wouldn't speak to him for a very very very long time. How dare he dismiss Ur feelings and lie to Ur face. As a mom of 5 I would have gone scorched earth on his ass. Send him this way I still will
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I know what it feels like to not be the son your Dad wants. It sounds like you’ve got an amazingly supportive sister though. I hope it gets better with your Dad.
You’re not a failure bro. It’s good that you told the truth and stood up for yourself when your dad lied at first. If that was my dad I wouldn’t have been able to forgiven him. But since he’s your dad and when he comes back, maybe talk to him again just the two of you?
Updateme
UpdateMe!
I just want to ask, are you and your dad okay now? I hope so!
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it's entirely messed up and i'm so sorry it got to this piint but it needed to happen I think. he shouldn't have lied and tried to deny it but it seems like the shock and realization made him feel so ashamed of himself and what he said that his immediate reaction was denial and avoiding the blame. it's normal, but not something a parent should do honestly. parents should know better and own up to things, take responsibility and make that good example for their kids. maybe this is a part of him that is still immature and needs work to redeem himself and earn back your trust and respect. it sucks finding out and confronting the fact your parents are just people who can fuck up this badly, and not omnipotent beings we trust with our lives. I hate that this has pushed you to feel so guilty yourself, but it's not your fault man. it's not your fault for not loving the cars. it's not about the cars. there should be more between you and in your bond that shouldn't have to rely on whether or not you like a hobby; that's where he messed up. not to tunnel down on what your mom said, he shouldn't completely forget about his hobby, that could sow resentment, but she does have a point that he assigns way too much value to it than he does the real bonds and relationships in his life. it's not your responsibility to coach your dad to grow up when it comes to this. you get to be upset and sad and even betrayed oiver this, it's heartbreaking what he said and you might be so tempted to downplay your feelings about it just to maintain the peace and have everything be okay. it won't be until this is resolved. and I promise it will be. it's just up to you of how much you are willing to open up about with him honestly, and with yoruself as well on how this made you feel and what would make it feel better, what you wish you'd hear from him insteaed, and tell him about it. he will make it up to you and listen to you and your feelings. it's not too late to fix this. but again, it's not entirely up to you the burden of fixing this. it's everyone's effort.
I’m glad your mom stood up for you!
The truth is that at the end you have handled it in more mature way than your father did. At it really tells a lot about his character. You are not at fault here in any way shape or form and there is nothing wrong with you enjoying different hobbies. You are not responsible for your father’s crappy behaviour, he just cannot handle the consequences of his own actions.
Please know that NONE of this is your fault. I'm so disappointed that your dad sat there and lied like a coward, then had a tantrum and threatened to get rid of his car. I'm glad your mom has your back though, she is right to be angry, and she was right to limit contact with Mason and his family from now on. It's so upsetting to read that you wish your personality was different as opposed to wishing he was a better father to you. You don't have to defer to *his* hobbies, it should actually be the other way around. I hope things start to look up and your uncle knocked some sense into your dad as well. Hopefully, he'll understand the gravity of what he's done and do the work to fix it before it's too late.
So sorry buddy. You did not deserve this; no child does. How are things now? Is he back? Are you ok?
Its not your fault. Your parents reaction or the situation. Yeah maybe thing would have solved sooner if you said something earlier but he's a grown ass man and also playing the victim card when it isnt even his place. He knows what he did was wrong and thats why he denied it at first
This isn’t your fault or your problem to fix. Your parents in particular your dad needs to get his shit together and deal with his failure here. He is already mad but not at you. He’s mad at himself because he’s beginning to to under that he has to think before he says stupid, hurtful shit and that he’s not the great dad he always thought he was he’d be.
Oh honey. I’m so sorry. First, don’t feel guilty or bad. I know that’s easier said than done but you did absolutely nothing wrong. Your dad is being an AH and trying to save face. He lied repeatedly and only fessed up when he saw none of you were buying his b.s. Then he gaslights you and tries to make it out like he’s the victim in all this. You deserve so much better. Let him stay at his brother’s house until he gets his head out of his ass and gives you a real apology and not this crap he tried to give you. I know everyone always jumps to suggest therapy but talking to a professional to help you process and be able to deal with this would be a good and beneficial thing. Hugs to you bc you need a real one.
Your dad is not only a bad parent, he is also an inmature asshole.
Hi OP, this whole situation sure blew up in everyone's face. Regardless of what he said, was it your intention for your father to give up his hobby, to stop being on good terms with Mason and his family, for your sister to involve herself with such hostility and for your mom to chase your father away (even though he was a shithead)? IMO, it would have been better to say something then and there! 'Hey, Dad, I'm standing right here and pretty hurt and angry about what you just said! Is it true? You wanna throw me away cause I don't like cars as much as you?' Your father would have to explain himself in the moment. You could have talked it out. It's still shitty and you have every right to your feelings. But, the silent treatment just meant you dragged it out, let your sister be sullen and hostile when it didn't affect her, your father lied and backpeddled and your mom threw a big enough fit to chase your dad away. Good job of not wanting to have the uncomfortable conversation. ESH, but I'll probably get downvotes for my opinion. Only Mason is innocent but will be punished because your dad will now reject him.
Your dad is 100% in the wrong. Him denying it and trying to gaslight you is actually disgusting. This is NOT your fault in the slightest. These are the consequences of HIS actions. He remembered exactly what he said and still made the decision to make you out like you were crazy over admitting it.
OP, is there any possibility that your dad was just trying to cheer Mason up? I'm not defending him I'm just hoping that his wording was a poor choice and that it was an honest mistake. Either way I'm sorry to hear this.
Oh man. This sucks. It’s just a shitty situation all around.
Op, I know you feel bad right now bit none of this is your fault. Your dad lying about it shows that. All you did is wanted to be accepted by your dad and that's not a bad thing. Just take a few days to calm down. Do something fun to distract yourself. Hang out with your mom or sister or your friends.
NTA. Please stop blaming yourself- he made the comments & he lied because he knew he screwed up. Had he said well I said it but it was meant like this … well maybe however he lied because he had something to hide. This is a him problem not a you problem. He left because he’s using emotional blackmail now & by blaming yourself you’re giving him that power. He left because he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore- he doesn’t want to face the music (similar to how you don’t want to come home after the principal called your parents). He left because he’s embarrassed to get caught lying & gaslighting you. He left because he’s mad he got caught. He left because he’s embarrassed to see your look of disappointment & pain. He left because he’s hoping when he comes back it will all have blown over & he won’t face repercussions. None absolutely none of this is your fault. Feel your feelings & hopefully your dad can regain your love & respect- it will take time of course but fingers crossed
I like your mom. She’s what every mom should be like! And that’s a plus
I think cars are boring, sports are boring, fishing is boring, etc. I barely share any hobbies with my family outside watching TV, tourism which they can barely do since they are old... What I mean to say is that you don't choose your family, you don't have to have the same hobbies. I love them but I don't spend much quality time with them, and that's fine. Now, if I heard my parent say they wish they had someone else as their son I'd confront them and let them know not to worry because they have a vacant son space they can fill with whoever, and the relationship never would be the same. And that is on HIM, not you. It's foul that a dad doesn't love his kid, and the kid has no responsibility on that, because we're individuals with different tastes and personalities, if he can't accept yours he can go f himself.
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OP you are not at fault and I'm sorry that your dad denied what he said at first, however, after reading your original post and then this I'm wondering, why didn't you just address the issue the first time instead of letting it boil into this? Try and reverse some roles and say if someone overheard you say something about them that hurt them and you asked why they were upset with you and they just kept giving you the cold shoulder, wouldn't that just make everything worse? Like I said, you are not in the wrong and what he said is definitely hurtful and the denying is not okay. But if someone close to you says or does something that hurts you, don't bury it, it just makes it so much worse. Address it!
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OP the reality is no one on reddit is you, or part of your family or cares about you. If you want to tank your entire relationship with your dad and turn your entire family against him go for it. Yea your dad said something stupid and shitty. But you weren't even supposed to hear it. He was talking to that kid. Who yes has no dad. That kids dad is dead. Gone. You then ignored your dad treated him like shit, turned your sister against him and managed to make your mom think he was cheating. So you unintentionally turned everyone on him. Then you all yelled at him. Are you surprised he left? You are not a "victim" here. But your dad is also not a "victim". This is a family issue. Families go through shit. In years you will look back at this and realize this was stupid shit. Has your dad been a terrible father the entire what 17 years you have known him? Or do you place this into the category of the rare but stupid shit your dad has done in his time as your father? You all ganged on him and then told him "you said this". Did he say it? I don't know, we are only getting your version of it. I will assume you are correct. He said that. But that is the problem when you go silent treatment and wait to explode. This came out of left field for him, he probably does not even remember what he actually said. And what he said vs what his intention was are 2 totally different things sometimes. And he told you what his intent was - to make that kid feel good. So again ask yourself, is your dad overall a shit dad or not? What he said was stupid, very stupid....but are you willing to destroy your entire family over it, or destroy the only father-son relationship that you have and will ever have....over what? 1 thing he said?
First of all: your feelings are valid. The axe forgets but the tree remembers, came to mind too. You were traumatised by what he said. And what he doesn’t understand is that you are still a child. Which is totally fine. But this means that things he finds small and insignificant can be dramatic and soul shattering for you. And with such cases it’s always the person you received damage to listen to first and grant more weight. I would recommend therapy of some kind, because what I think will happen next: your father will play it down and gaslight you more. You will push your feelings aside and somewhen think you forgave him and all will seem good for a while. But you never processed your feelings properly, so they will linger and fester. And one day they erupt and you will be even worse off than now. Also kudos to your sister for really keeping quiet. It’s encouraging and lovely to see a family member sticking to their promise even under pressure and being completely, unconditionally on your side. She never questioned you once and didn’t falter. Besides my wife I never saw this in my family/time, I hope you realise what a gift of a sibling she is.👍
I hope you take the time to read this. I beleive you are reading too much into your father's words and I think you will understand better when you have your own children. My hobbies are snowboarding and bicycles. It gave me great pleasure to introduce my son to the activities that bring me so much joy. We went snowboarding and cycling periodically, and I thought he had a similar enjoyment. But now he is an adult and sold his snowboard and doesn't seem to want to ride anymore. I'm bummed. I envisioned doing vacation with him and his family around these activities, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that will never happen. I love him as my son, I wish he enjoyed things we could enjoy together. I bet you dad really values the time he spends with his dad working on cars and had hoped to have that same shared joy with you. That's his disappointment. Nothing more. He just wanted to share his passion with his son, becuase it's a special feeling when you can.
I read up on your first Post and have to say that you are terrible. I have and probably never fulfill the ambitions of my mother. And my dad would have loved, for me, to share some of his hobbies Cars or Guns. And I'm aware of this, but I would never fault them for that. And reading your post I can't find anything that tells that he does not love you. He only wished for a shared intressed or for you to be more like him. Which is fully OK and normal. You are Terrible for faulting someone for their feelings. As far as we can tell, he had a good handling of his feelings. You are hurt because you have an otherwise good relationship. And he did not force that knowledge on you. He told it to someone else with no intent of it ever reaching you. Now the whole house is after him for his fucking feelings. I bet if I asked your mom if she is wishing for a trait in their children, then she would say yes. Not that you are a person that could handle that. His only fault is denying it. YTA
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NTA but maybe a different perspective would help. A. You and your sister are wrong for making your mom guess for days. Y’all should have just dealt with it on the first day. It is important to Learn to have difficult conversations B. To play devils advocate maybe you are wrong…. Your dad wasn’t saying that you weren’t the ideal son. It sounds to me that he was comforting Mason and reassuring him that any dad would be proud of him. Saying he’s the son He would love to have isn’t a slight to you but rather him affirming to Mason that he is worthy of love and being wanted by a parent. I’d suggest really thinking about that, think about how it’s great your dad engages with Mason, think about the ways he’s been a good dad to you…. Sit down and actually talk to him. It’s a k to share that it hurt your feelings, but you do need to realize that your perception and what he meant may not have been the same. I do think your family owes your dad an apology for how y’all treated him by ignoring him/situation and then blowing up on him. It is better to deal with things when they occur or just after…don’t wait and gang up on someone. It puts them on the defensive and in this case it’s impacts 3 relationships with instead of just being a moment that you needed to discuss