Yup! This is how my half sister was treated and I (also female) was treated like the red haired stepchild. We have no relationship because she’s a middle aged spoiled monster and EVERYONE has to bow down to her. She had to get gifts on my birthday every year even now, and also when I got married because she was jealous and then she tried to break up my marriage for the same reason.
This is the kind of child that’s being raised here and her brothers will hate her as much as I hate my half sister. She’s also an alcoholic and junkie because no one ever said no to her and she did what she wanted. She was an alcoholic before her 16th birthday, and hooked on pills for the past 26 years or so. She went so off the rails that she can’t function as a human anymore. She’s living in her childhood bedroom because no one wants to live with her or date her (even though she’s stunning) because of how he acts. She can’t keep a job because of all the meltdowns when she doesn’t get her own way.
This is the future your husband is setting up for your daughter. Her life will be miserable and she won’t know why and it will literally drive her crazy (my half sister has been locked up multiple times because she has lost her mind living in this fake world created for her)
You *need* to put a stop to it now before this turns into her future too and her brother have nothing but hate for her because of their fathers actions
It’s been a 40+ year nightmare. She drives off anyone in my life with lies because in her head and because we’re “sisters”, I’m not allowed to have any friends *ever* except for her and I’m supposed to sit there and encourage her behaviour like the rest of the family does.
I’m also expected to take her in when my uncle (who she lives with) dies, and I’m expected to continue raising her like I was forced to when I was a kid. I’ve gone No Contact and she doesn’t know what country I live in now. None of them do.
None of them will ever know where I am
It’s better this way. You aren’t responsible and just as well not obligated to fix her. I can imagine you have enough fixing to do for yourself.
I also moved countries 😂
Good for you! *high five*
I have a lot to fix myself and my first appointment is in 3 weeks. I’m terrified but excited to get back to being me and continue to live freely for three first time in my life!
Hell yeah it is! We got out, we’re getting whole and life is getting better. Hopefully the warriors in us can rest now. They’ve fought hard and deserve a sleep
Life will still throw stuff at you. But this always on attention should really go away. Time to heal, time to grow, and the means to leave stuff behind where it belongs.
Best wishes. You got this💪
Thank you! I’m already stronger and better than I was a year ago. I’m a whole new woman. They can’t take me down or drag me back now! Keep fighting for your happiness and maybe we’ll meet at the stars someday
They’re starting to realise they have no one and are trying to sneak back into the fold. It’s horrible. I hope you can all stand strong and not let them get to you
Um...honey? That you? (jokes). This is the exact situation with my sister in law, too. She's doing only slightly better from it (no drugs, just lazy a.f. and makes no effort to work), and also expects us to take up the "care" banner when the current meal ticket dies (ha ha, no). Honestly, I'd leave the country before dealing with her, too.
The sons will disown him and go NC, then when he's old and needs help or goes into a home, she will abandon him as well when there is nothing more she can get from him. Or heaven forbid he gets Alzheimer's and totally forgets who she is altogether, it could send her off the deep end as she will have brothers who want nothing to do with her and a mother who isn't going to coddle or cater to her every whim.She's Daddy's girl and he's right where she wants him, wrapped around her little pinky. Gotta nip that shit in the bud now while she is still young. Once she gets any older, there will be no fixing it as her mind will be set by the pattern.
She really does sound like a living nightmare. I'm sorry for her and you and your family. If you don't mind sharing, what exactly did she do to try and break up your marriage? I'm morbidly curious to hear more about her, but please ignore me if you aren't up to story time.
First she tried to say he hit her. Impossible, they’ve never been within 500miles of each other or in the same country at the same time. Then she started running to the cops saying he was sending death threats but couldn’t say which language they’re in (hubby doesn’t speak English). The cops called me to verify that my husband has NEVER been to the same country as her and to ask about the letters (that she apparently burned instead of going to the cops with them, although she told me the cops had the letters)
She tried to call him to flirt via FaceTime but he didn’t know what she was saying to him and he hung up on her and blocked her.
Then she started calling me with the same lies and she’s now says he SA’d her even though he was 1000 miles away and with me at the time. She’s spread these lies all over my hometown too so I had to deal with that at my grandfather’s funeral too last year.
She a a pathological liar and my grandparents raised her to be like this. They caused it all and I’m the one still paying for it. I have no family now because of her and tbh I’m glad to be rid of the toxic bunch. They believed her lies and spread them further. It hasn’t stopped either. I still get threats from family members who want to SA me to “teach me a lesson” (my cousin at the funeral last year said this to me)
I’d love to wake from this nightmare someday
Wow, so she is not just entitled, she is batshit crazy. Imagine the kind of damage she could have done if you were even in the same country as her, let alone in the same town. Amazing that anyone bought even a drop of what she was selling, because she is a very poor liar. You are better off without them.
Absolutely! When I heard some of those lies last year I felt sick. She’s been going around saying I’m a satanist and I do black masses and sacrifices and all sorts of BS because….. I like 80s and Synthpop music and I prefer to wear black most days. I’m also apparently have tattoos all over my face (nope) and I run with a gang who murders people for me. Serious BS that got proven to be lies the second everyone saw me. A little middle aged woman who felt as lost as she looked. 2 minutes later my sister had a meltdown and decided to OD (again)
Me getting a second of attention broke her and she had to have it back on her immediately
You aren't kidding when you say pathological lair then. She just makes up things like a child playing pretend, it doesn't have to make sense as long as the attention is all on her. I'm sure therapy and medication would do her a world of good if anyone in her corner cared enough about her to push her. But like the saying goes, not your circus, not your monkey.
My uncle doesn’t want her medicated or in therapy. He LOVES the drama and he pushes her to OD for fun regularly. He kept my grandfather sick for 15 years so he could control him and he eventually was the cause of his passing. He needs someone to control and now that I’m not there to beat and throw downstairs, he has to do it to someone else. She won’t survive that house. If you don’t get out by the age of 25 and stay out, you’ll never leave. They will sabotage every attempt and they will make sure if you need mental health help, you won’t get it. They forced me to stop every time. My grandmonster even physically attacked a doctor who was trying to help me so my ADHD has gone unchecked because I’ve been too terrified to get help until recently.
I’m just waiting for them to off each other so I can tear that house to the ground and salt the earth. There’s nothing but evil in that house
She has my psycho uncle protecting her. He’s very violent, has no problem throwing toddler down stairs and carrying them back up to try again and instead kicks them in the head and back all the way down. He enjoyed burning me on my skin graft and donor sites when they were fresh and still healing. Had no issues hurting me physically in public and smiles his happiest smile as I scream. He and his mother caused me chronic nerve damage. He was taught to hurt women the second my mum was born and he hasn’t stopped since
Sheesh. I'm so sorry. I can only hope for something unfortunate to befall both of them sooner rather than later. I'm glad you are safe far and away from them .
It already has. Once everyone saw me and they were both immediately branded liars, the family wants nothing to do with them. It’s a big family too, over 200 people on each side. Maybe a cousin might pity them and talk to them but that’s about it. The rest see that they’ve been lying about me for 3 decades
Dude, your life could be a movie plot. From someone with their own crazy movie plot life, I am so sorry that you didn't get peace and the love you deserve as a child, and I hope you find it all now ❤️
Edited for spelling
I’m in a much happier place (and country) now. I’m no contact with the “family” and they don’t know where I live now. They are blocked everywhere. I have a wonderful husband and he and my kitty are my world. The past 8 months without them have been so chilled. Not having to deal with 2-8 hours calls daily from them is awesome too. I get to have a life now!
Dude. Not the same, but similar fuckery. I’m coordinating the care effort for my grandparents, as soon as whoever’s gone last of those two’s funeral is over, I’m out. I commute 6 hours 1 way every 2 weeks to do my part. It’s worth it not to see shitty family.
I hear you. I’d have to babysit my grandfather via FaceTime when my uncle would be gone for work. 8 hours a day for 3 days to 6 weeks. Even when everyone was home I was still at least 2 hours on FT a day. I couldn’t do anything without calling home and letting them know first.
You must’ve had to sneak out of the country at the last minute.
I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall when they couldn’t get a hold of you and demand that you stay on the phone for hours.
I told them I was going on holiday, which was true originally, (I was living in my home country but the opposite end of it) and took off. They thought I’d be back in a few weeks but I ended up meeting my husband and the holiday never ended lol.
Once they realised I was moving, no matter what, they decided to shut up thinking my marriage would fall apart within 6 months because we didn’t speak the same language. I learned his language and were almost 9 years married now and together almost 12 years. He’s learning English now and I’m not going to make him learn my mother tongue because it’s too difficult and he won’t really need it. He has a few words so I can get his attention without anyone noticing but that’s about it. We stayed in his country because it’s safer for us here without my “family” around causing trouble
That or he is going to go full helicopter mode, he will try to control everything in her life, and the minute she hits puberty all freedom, she would need to have through teenagehood to learn to grow will be removed, she will live in a cage, because no man can live up to his golden child
Oh absolutely!! He’ll freak if he sees she’s using tampons and probably think it’s a gateway to sex (what I was told when they found out I was using them)
He’s driven a massive wedge into the family and I’m not sure if they’ll ever get it out again. Dad needs therapy big time
Reminds me of my older sister. My dad was always soft on her and would take her side in anything, spoiling her however she wanted (and later demanded). I'm a girl, but as a kid I was a tomboy and even as I grew older and started to become more feminine, my sister was the princess of us kids in my dad's eyes (conversely my mom always wanted to be a 'boy mom' and spoiled my brother a lot, though he's much more of a kind person in comparison to my sister).
Anytime my mom, my brother or I made my sister upset or cry, he would become angry and shout at us or other displays of anger that made me wary of my sister and him. If we were going to a movie, restaurant or vacation, he would always want to follow what my sister wanted (my mom would demand we go where my brother wanted as well). As a teenager she was spoiled, irritable, and selfish, and to be honest she has honestly gotten worse the older we have all gotten (bc she also only dates men who fall all over themselves to make sure she feels as spoiled as she wants). My dad bought a condo for himself, but after he moved into our grandmother's house following her passing, he let my sister live there rent free. He told me that he shared a bank account with her for years, and whenever he noticed her account running low, he would send in a couple hundred here and there. I was shocked because he barely acknowledged my financial issues (when I was a student and trying to finish school while working) while my sister mostly spent her money on partying. My grandmother had a savings account for us kids to go to college, and I was the only one who wanted to go. Lo and behold I found out he spent the money on a boat and boating equipment I guess??
Anyway, my parents were in hospice 5 years ago and passed away, and while I knew my sister was selfish and spoiled, the extent of it blew me away during that time. Even while she was behaving horribly (blaming everyone except for her with what was happening, becoming violent with me bc my mom's friends brought me presents at the hospital during my birthday and didn't think about her at all or whatever, screaming at me all the time that I was selfish and destroying my shit, etc) my dad told me to be gentle and careful with her because she's always been a sensitive and just has a lot of emotions. OP, seeing your husband talk about your daughter the same way was honestly a little triggering.
At my parents funerals, all my sister did was talk about how my dad and my mom were her biggest fans (bc she's in a rock band) and how she'll always be a daddy's girl and basically just talked about herself instead of who my parents were as individual people. Idk I used to resent my parents a lot for their favoritism, my dad for my sister and my mom for my brother (which is a whole other story), but now, I just feel sad. I feel sad that my siblings are not functional human beings (and they've honestly fallen apart since my parents' deaths), that they probably won't change. That my parents truly did not love me because who I am as a person was worth less than what they each wanted in a daughter and son. And that even if they were alive today, they still probably would not ever see any of this. I'm not functional in my own ways because of my instinct to not be worth the effort of love and care for who I am. I hope the lack of care and love your husband has been showing towards your sons does not leave such a gap in their being, but those kinds of wounds can run deep, and never truly heal.
Edit to add: my sister is also an alcoholic, my brother is as well. Funny enough, my dad was an alcoholic too, and suffered from major only child syndrome because my grandma spoiled him for being her one miracle baby and a genius at that (he had a 180 iq)
Similar, but worse, than my older brother. He was the golden child and both my parents, though divorced, thought he shit chocolate.
He grew up into a sanctimonious, entitled asshole. He’s very bright, so got good jobs in finance, but was made redundant 3 times in 3 years due to his attitude. He got divorced from his first wife because he was addicted to alcohol and drugs and had her new husband adopt his daughter.
He did get sober for a while and him and his second wife, step daughter and their daughter moved back to the UK. He couldn’t cope with family life and kids, even though they went on to have a son. He hates his life and his wife is only staying for the lifestyle he can provide her and the kids. I’ve never seen a more unhappy person and he’s only 40.
He’s back on the drugs and drink now, works all week and sleeps all weekend. He was ruined before he had a chance.
And even if she doesn't end up like your half sister, as a child who was favoured in my family, the hate you get and the exclusion from the other kids, watching them have a bond with their familial peers you don't, because of how adults treat them worse, it's really damaging.
Maybe that’s his intention. He wants a daddy’s girl and by god that is what he’s gonna get. You can’t properly enmesh with your child if they have other relationships.
See also: *Covert(emotional) Incest*
Man I didn't wanna say it cause I don't know the guy and this is only one side of the story of a tiny glimpse of their lives but man this dude is giving off a certain vibe for sure.
The Vibe is a V.C. Andrews novel, for sure.
Also, it's bizarre that his whole family is like that. Like, Why? What makes girls "delicate" that you can only spend time with them and give only the girls twice the amount of gifts of the boys?
I could see an under 10 / over 10 split, maybe, but the boy/girl split is creepy, no matter which sex gets more.
Yeah, he's raising a daughter who's going to be an entitled, incapable disaster.
Any kid that gets that level of special consideration, coddling, and elevation above the other kids — that's a kid who's not going to know how to have normal relationships or cope with real life.
My youngest sister. Nothing was ever her fault, parents made excuses for everything. She didn't even graduate from high school because it was too hard. Spent a life with dead end jobs and 3 failed marriages because she brought nothing to the table except a sense of entitlement. Our parents failed her big time.
He’s fucked up his relationship with all of his kids, and OP’s relationship with her own daughter. I know she says she loves all her kids equally twice in this post, but I can tell she’s starting to resent her daughter and it’s not her fault or ops fault.
I found that bizarre, as well. Especially how he totally dropped the sons after the daughter was born. I get having a desire for one gender, but then when you have a kid of the other gender, you love them as they are and would not trade them in. So to have a kid you do love and care for, but then to stop caring for them is just so strange.
Yup! Got a sister who's about just under two years younger than me, we were close growing up for a while but then things change - as they do!
I got friends and interests that she wasn't into, she developed learning difficulties so went to different schools or had assistance when joined me in secondary school, then eventually moved go a different school when I left for college!
She tried college but dropped out, milking her special needs - which are purely learning difficulties as she knew she could get away with it with our parents! They always focused on her more than me and my achievements.. I did college, part time work and took part in the local pantomimes ( which parents barely watched or supported me in )
I would get some 1 on 1 time but would have at least 1 name slip in being called her name at least once a conversation..
Her needs were always met, always priority and now I live across the country living independently while she lives with my parents, who try their best to keep up with her and her growing laziness!
I'm also VVVVLC with my parents - who don't really acknowledge my birthdays or Christmas anymore - I'm more of a bi-black sheep and they don't like that as they're old fashioned!
I hate it and I hate to see people that go through the same thing or worse than I did! So sorry for what you are going through OP
Exactly. Those boys are going to leave home at the earliest opportunity... your husband is setting your daughter up to fail.
Family therapy at the very least. NTA
Yep. He's setting her up as the favored "Golden Child" and guaranteeing that not only will she be unable to function as a responsible adult, but:
1. She will believe nothing is ever her fault and point the finger at everyone else.
2. Her siblings will resent her, and justly so.
3. She will be ill-equipped to have healthy adult relationships.
He has put his daughter on a princess throne and effectively thrown his sons away. How will he react when his daughter becomes demanding, using tantrums and guilt to get her own way? My parents would buy my daughter a present on my son’s birthday as well as my son and the same on her birthday….my son had a present too. If he’s not willing to buy ALL children presents on every child’s birthday (yeah, I know that’s ridiculous) then stop buying extra for the daughter. He is doing such a disservice to Ava, she has to be disciplined and stopped from drawing on the walls and other bad behaviour. I have a feeling that when her behaviour gets really bad he will blame you for not warning him. All fishing trips, picnics etc should be with ALL the children. When I was pregnant with both my children I wanted a healthy, happy child irrespective of gender. OP be stern and tell him to sort himself out.
Did you ever read that story on Reddit about how the daughter always gets gifts on her brothers birthday and occasions then throws a fit like crazy when she doesn’t get her way. Causing her older brother to lose his shit at his parents for being overlooked even at his own 18th birthday. His parents even got him a cake for her and went to some chucky cheese shit and his family was there to witness it and were appalled that they treated their son that way🤷🏻♀️ don’t want to spoil her too much then she can’t function in the real world. And I’m glad your husband has to realize what he is doing even if it’s his own sons he has to hear that from.
Yeap. I read this. The OP's sister is actually in a mental health facility for kids now, because her mind simply can't function in a world where she doesn't get everything she wants.
Honestly, OP is the AH to her kids at this point. All her kids. I grew up with a father who favoured my younger brothers. I have no relationship with him now. Even my brothers barely have a relationship with him, because his attitude sucks so badly. OP needs to stop this behaviour, or get a divorce, and start showing her kids equality. My Mum loved me and my brothers the same. There was no "I have to love my daughter more because her father doesn't". OP is treating her daughter differently, and it's really cruel too. Not to mention the boys will eventually ask why their Mum allows their father to treat them this way with no consequences. This whole story us a mess, and all these kids are going to end up resenting their parents and each other.
Its a long one, dont start reading on the toilet.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17pmud3/parents_made_every_single_birthday_about_my/
Stop taking your boys to holidays on his family side. They’ve made it clear that they want your husband and daughter there but not your sons. You need to make different plans with your boys and start protecting them from the family.
I don't understand why his family is also favouring their daughter, they should be treating them all equally. I can't imagine doing that to my nieces and nephews.
This is the super odd thing to me. Why would you be so obsessed with having a child of a particular sex? I feel like dad should spend a bit of time with a therapist to understand the damage his fixation with his daughter is causing
This isn’t that uncommon. My family wasn’t nearly this bad but grandparents definitely favored my cousins (they were given presents and we weren’t). My brother is favored over my sister and I… it happens. This is way more extreme
One uncle/aunt did this and they got sh*t for it. We were all up there visiting. My young cousin, a girl, also had a brother. The brother and the rest of us got socks. The girl got toys galore. Multiple dolls, clothes, and an electronic microscope! I school grade ELECTRON MICROSCOPE! The presents under the tree were all for her. It's like they realized the rest of us would be there and ran and got us socks.
We were all looking around like, WHAT!! Her brother was in tears. It was crazy how different they treated them.
I didn't visit them again until I was an adult. I love them, but that Christmas hurt us all.
Every single parent Ive ever heard being "disappointed" in their child's gender is a terrible person. Change my mind. Like its one thing to be like "oh Id love to have a boy and a girl" or whatever, but actively being disappointed, esp to the point where you make comments about it is so fucking toxic.
OP should instead *ask the boys if they want to stop going.* The boys are old enough to decide on their own how they want to handle the blatant favoritism. Some of them might want to boycott, while the others might be more mercenary about getting presents and a big meal. Abruptly refusing to take them could easily be misinterpreted as a worse form of being left out.
Agency is super important in situations like these. It's how you make it clear that you value the child as a person.
So your daughter is going to grow up spoiled and entitled. You need to be a parent and do something. You're literally letting your sons think this behavior is okay. When they get older and go no contact with both of you, don't be surprised. And yes I mean you too, because you sat by even with arguing and did nothing. This is crazy that you don't see it. Really you should be pulling your daughter away as well.
Agreed and how is it enduring to draw on walls? Umm no, set some boundaries. Don’t allow gifts for her when it’s your other children’s birthdays. In the end, sadly, they are going to resent you, as well as their father, because you allowed it to happen. You tried to bring it up in a friendly manner? How about no, it’s not your birthday or your accomplishment, you don’t get a gift. As a family we celebrate each other’s achievements. She will get her turn. You have to teach her or she will be literally living with you the rest of your lives. Being a mother or parent is hard. Because doing the right thing, disciplining in an appropriate, loving way is not fun. I don’t like to do it, because I don’t want them to be sad, but I have to, in order to teach them a life lesson. Right from wrong. Obviously not always straight forward, but there are consequences for actions, good or bad. I chose to have these kids and it’s my job to love them, protect them, make sure they give back and work hard, are happy and good people and kind to everyone. You are not doing right by any of your children if this continues. Don’t just give up, because it’s “hard.” You have to do this for your kids.
Yep, at this point, she's tired. I get it, but being single is better than this mess. Stand up for your kids, and that includes your daughter. I mean, maybe if they divorce, she goes and lives with her dad, and you and your sons move on. At some point, you have to say enough is enough.
No. If they divorce they get shared parenting and the daughter won’t always be under the constant glow of her father’s neverending attention. She’ll have to live in a house with her mother and brothers sometimes, getting a fair share of the attention. Then maybe it will be far more apparent to her that it is not in fact normal the way her father dotes on only her. If this doesn’t stop the boys aren’t only going to resent their parents. They are going to loathe their sister.
My cousin always said "I'm not raising boys, I'm raising men." She wasn't denying that her boys have every right and reasonable opportunity to be children. She was saying that she was making every reasonable effort to make sure that when they reached adulthood, they'd be good, responsible, respectful men who can as easily cook, do laundry, and clean as they can fix a tractor, use a chainsaw, or rattle off proper crop rotation. She wants them to grow to be men, not to grow to be boys in men's bodies.
OP's husband is raising a girl, sounds like a bratty one at that, and she's not doing a goddamn thing to stop him. They should both want to raise a woman, who won't be an entitled and bratty preschooler in an adult woman's body. But that's not what they're doing.
It was slightly endearing when my niece did this, but she is under two years old and doesnt quite understand the whole walls aren’t paper thing.
That said we told her not to do that, and she listened. OP’s kid is what, six? That’s waaaaaaay past the drawing on walls stage.
I am guilty of spoiling my niece, but she’s literally the only baby, I would never do one thing for her and not a sibling. Kids notice!
Can’t tell you how many stories I’ve seen on here where grown sons and daughters describe this exact same dynamic, and you and your husband are dangerously close to a nightmare scenario.
The sons will resent the father more, but they may also be harboring resentment towards OP if they don’t perceive her as an active advocate for them.
Daughter is going to grow up to be an entitled nightmare who can do no wrong in daddy’s eyes until she does something so awful that it’s impossible to ignore. And the sons will only say “that’s what you get for favoring your golden child miracle baby!”
Dad needs to wake the f*** up and see what a shitty neglectful father he’s being. Thank God OP is making the effort to do things for the boys, but at this point she needs to draw a line in the sand.
The prognosis isn’t good, dad sounds like he’s willfully blind, but we’ll see. I hope they get some family counseling ASAP if they want a chance at staying together.
She's literally setting her self up for the "Pick a side it's either us or your daughter" talk in a few short years when the boys are out of the house.
She needs to bitch slap her husband back to reality.
Because the sons will create their own family together without anyone n OP's daughter side.
It's weird that it extends to the rest of his extended family as well. What was the dynamic in that family when he and his siblings were growing up, I wonder?
It's not like there aren't any other girls among the nibblings, either.
Had a friend once that was that daughter. Her dad had always said he’d wanted a daughter, and once she was born, basically ignored his son. But in their case, her mom did leave the dad over it because no man was going to disrespect her son like that.
AH didn’t even deny the favoritism and when they split, only fought for custody of my friend-he didn’t even try for his son-that one he happily signed over to mom. Funnily enough, the judge thought it was creepy enough as well that he awarded full custody for both kids to mom with visitation rights only for dad.
As soon as I read he was wanting a daughter before they even tryed for kids, I thought was weird. I don't think a parent should fixate on having a certain gender because the bias can be bad but this is insane on another level. Yikes.
>"That's rich coming from a dad who doesn't give two shits about his sons. Your future is not looking brighter than a black hole."
Holy mackerel, this is down right impressive.
Your kids see whats up. in a few years he will probably wonder why his boys avoid him.
Hell id be surprised if his daughter will see whats happening and choose to distance her self from her father too.
Op should consider divorce, its much better to have a single parent who cares than having to see someone who treats them less than.
NTA - but you're going to be if you stay
One day that little girl will be all grown up and asking why her brothers won't give her the time of day when everyone else adores her. Or why they don't spend time with their dad like she does.
And they're going to have to explain to her that her father ruined their relationships and there's nothing she can do to fix it. That she gets to be loved more than anything by her dad, but the consequence is that her other family relationships are forever scarred by his actions.
Learning that sometimes people don't like you and there's nothing you can do about it is a hard lesson, and she's going to learn it in a particularly hard way.
Unflavored sibling always hold resentment towards the favorite - especially if the favorite doesn’t admit to the special treatment because they want to “fit in” with the others.
Unfortunately it’s a big enough age difference (youngest boy turning 18 when she just turns 13) I’d say odds are towards her being spoiled vs sympathizing with bros.
My sister is just 6 years older than me and she is the golden child. I don't really talk to her anymore and my life is better for it. She really feels like I owe her or something. It's sad. In her own words, she was happy before I was born. She was incredibly spoiled and didn't like to share the attention. My parents jokingly recall when she was six and asking them when will she be allwed to hit the baby.
Age doesn't matter: I'm in a set of triplets and we've got a golden child, the baby, and a scapegoat. First is "normal" and hit all expected development markers, second dx'd with autism at 2 and coddled to this day, third diagnosed with everything #2 has 15 years later.
Guess which one I am. Lmao. Went NC this year and the relief is instant.
25; family still doesn't realize the reason im never around is because they never invite me. It's wild.
Whats even wilder is my siblings ask my MOM how im doing instead of ME.
My heart sincerely goes out to these boys, and i hope they know their mother loves them dearly, and hopefully one day they realize it wasn't their sisters fault; and i really hope that girl realizes how much her dad is really poisoning her mind.
Doesn't change later either. 32 and haven't spoken to a single family member even over text in about 6 months because they don't bother to text or invite. Last time I talked to my mom she complained that she never gets to see my kids and I told her "I won't take them over there because stepdad smokes inside regardless of who's over, I don't want them around cigarette smoke. We're home every weekend though, you're welcome to drop by whenever just give me like 30min notice." And can you guess how many times since then she's asked to come see them? That's right, 0. It's weird that they just don't understand that they're the ones actively choosing to not be part of my life.
39, have been blissfully no contact with EVERYONE in my family… especially my parents for years now. I live across the ocean from them. I am 29 weeks pregnant with my daughter. My 16 year old son and I both are smug in the knowledge that they have no clue of her existence… and never will if we have anything to say about it.
My brother (who I kept alive as a baby/toddler/young child) is my egg donor’s surrogate husband. He will never be rid of her, he will never function as an adult. That’s the price of being the golden child in my shitshow family.
The parents who make a child their pseudo-spouse are disgusting. Truly disgusting. They've given birth to a child only to turn around and deprive the child of any type of decent life.
He deserves it. Than obsession with his daughter is just a bit creepy. Each child is a gift and he’s surely not acting that way. The kids know the deal, they always know the deal. They 100 know Jerry is checked out of their lives. They need to keep being vocal about it. He did make his own bed and has to lie in it. NTA.
I’m concerned what would happen if OP did divorce and the kids, specifically the daughter, would stay alone with dad during visitation moments. Nothing good comes from a man who prioritizes his daughter over his sons and own wife. Creepy af.
It’s weirding me out because every dad I know originally wanted a boy or didn’t mind either way. It’s rare to see a man obsessed with wanting a daughter since a lot of men feel like daughters are more trouble to deal with and raise.
Like I’m not totally disgusted but I feel uncomfortable and concerned reading this even before it got to the neglecting sons part. Why was this his life long dream?!
NTA - Yeah I find his obsession with his daughter to be quite ick.
Especially at the expense of his sons.
The over indulgence, the ignoring of his boys, the giving of gifts on other people’s special days – not only does it reek of favouritism, but he’s teaching her rubbish life lessons by catering to her ever whim.
You guys need to step out of the house and have a long conversation about this, away from your kids.
Might even need the boys to write down how they feel unloved and neglected since Ava was born so your husband has to actually read and focus on how his behaviour is directly affecting his other kids.
If nothing else, let him know that his boys are probably going to go no contact with him in the future because of this treatment. So you don’t want to hear him bitching down the track when you are the only parent invited to their graduations, weddings, ‘family’ dinners etc.
NTA. Your husband clearly favors your daughter and it's hurting your sons. Consider couples and/or family therapy to address this as a family. You and your sons deserve better.
Absolutely setting the daughter up to be a nasty selfish super entitled future Karen and ruining her personality.
My mother was spoiled this way and believed that everyone else was supposed to be her servant.
And cheating her out of a good relationship with Mom as well. Since she has to be the one focusing on the boys and being the bad guy trying to establish boundaries for daughter.
And lets face it
>daughters require extra care and delicacy
is not a healthy relationship either. Dad among everything else is a sexist ass who will not raise daughter as a functional person.
Exactly. Neglect is a form of emotional abuse, and your husband is absolutely neglecting your sons. And she is being set up for extremely unhealthy relationships with men, expecting them to do everything she wants or to hate her where she has to try and earn their affection. Either way, this doesn't end well for any of the kids.
Idk it’s always really creepy to me when either parent is invested in the sex of the child more than the child themselves. The way op told the story it’s pretty clear the warning signs were there the whole time.
I was also finding it very odd that he was so interested in having a girl, and that she be treated more delicately than the boys. This seems very odd to me. Husband has some kind of strange, fetish is not the right word here, but it almost is. His intentions to have a girl seem a bit sinister to me, and certainly suspicious at the least. That man needs some serious therapy, sounds like they all do. To clarify, it would be ok to want to have a girl, but this is far beyond just wanting one.
OP is allowing this behavior and will be cut off just like the dad because she allowed it and did nothing. Arguing is not enough, there has to be action behind the words otherwise it means nothing. She'd better prepare herself to make some actions soon because at their ages I doubt she has much, if any, time left to take action.
I absolutely agree with this commenter. You gave him chances to fix the issue, you talked with him repeatedly but then you just gave up and tried to cover his slack. That isn't fair to your sons, it is extremely damaging to their sense of self worth. On top of that it is going to lead to a daughter who will have no friends because she isn't taught to respect boundaries or consider other people's feelings.
At this point it will be an uphill battle to undo the damage that has already been done.
This needs to be top comment, but I’m also leaning towards this is fake because I can’t understand how any mother would enable this kind of behavior.
Edit for judgement: YTA
I think a lot of people don't realise how much traumatic damage emotional neglect can do to children. It's not an active form of abuse like physical abuse or verbal abuse. It's just the withdrawal of love...made all the worse because the boys did experience what their dad's love was like and then he abandoned them. Now they just get to watch him love their sibling. It's so cruel.
I’ll be honest with you OP - you need to consider where your line in the sand is.
I know what I’m talking about.
My husband has never bonded with our oldest child, son aged 26 now. He spoils our youngest and our daughter is his favourite. But our oldest? Nothing of any depth or connection or even interest. Husband doesn’t even have a shared language with oldest. From the time he was a toddler husband has always claimed oldest was intentionally being difficult, even malicious.
I spent 15 years trying to fix it. I talked, explained, supported till I was blue in the face. Husband just couldn’t.
And oldest has known since he 3as tiny that dad doesn’t love him like his siblings.
Here’s when I should have pulled the plug. When daughter was 14 her and my relationship was awful. Toxic. I was complaining one day that I just didn’t know what to do about it. Husband told me that as the adult it was my responsibility to do whatever it took to find away, because she was the child and I was the parent. It was my duty.
So I worked dam hard to find ways you work on the relationship with my girl. Was not easy. But we did it. We got through her teens - very challenging years! - and we have a sold bond now. Lordy, the girl trusts me enough to tell me stuff that makes my eyes water. It’s great.
But my husband couldn’t do what he told me to do.
The damage my husband had done to my son will be lifelong.
It’s obvious to those who care for my son. His girlfriend hates my husband. Can barely stand to be in the same too. It took her only weeks to say that she loathed the way husband spoke to our son. She even told me.
This damage lasts. You’re not protecting your sons by allowing this to go on. You are also allowing your daughter being warped developmentally by your husband.
After 28 years of marriage I’ve pulled the plug. Husband was blindsided. Apparently he had no idea I’d been losing respect for him for years. It took me too long to realise that what I thought of as ‘one blind spot’ was actually a clear indication of the rest of his character. There’s something not right in him.
What you’re describing feels very much the same to me.
You need to have a good hard think here. You have 5 children that need a reset. Your boys need to know that one parent can stand up and put them first regardless of anything. Even if that means divorce.
The status quo for your daughter is predictable too if there’s no change. Awful relationship with her brothers, resentment all round. A family divided.
Your husband is destroying your family unit anyway.
Sometimes you need your break current things to build new and better.
As for my family, we are still separating. Oldest has moved out of home recently. He told me he expected that his dad would never make any effort to talk to him again. Not angrily, just sad.
He’s been right.
You can’t let this go on. Like I said. You need to think about where you draw the line. Because there’years ahead and world of pain heading for your family right now.
Your husband has an issue. I don’t know exactly what it is, but it’s not healthy. And what he’s doing is creating a bitch of a daughter. And I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but I am a mother of three daughters.
This is unacceptable. I was the youngest, and the only girl in my family. Believe me, I was not spoiled. My mom was happy to have her daughter, but I was not spoiled. And my brothers that everyone thought was spoiled me… No. They picked on me like all siblings do. Nobody else could pick on me because I had three big brothers, but we absolutely had a very typical sibling relationship.
Your husband and his family are ~~not~~ doing mental damage to your sons, but they are also doing so much damage to your daughter. They are telling her that she special. That she is above everyone else. That she doesn’t have to play by the rules. That none of the regular rules applied to her, and she should get what she wants every time.
How do you think that is going to play out for her later in life? How do you think she’s going to do in a work situation where she doesn’t just get handed everything and isn’t the golden employee?
How do you think she’s going to do in college, when daddy‘s not there to pick up the pieces for her? My bet is she’s going to either flunk out or just quit because she doesn’t get her own way.
You know what? Those professors don’t care if you show up for class other than to tell you that if you’re not there for a certain percentage of classes, you fail. Don’t turn in your work? They’re not gonna do anything about it.
How do you think that attitude is gonna fly for her when she finally gets in a relationship and then her SO figures out she’s a whiny little bitch who expects to have everything done for her? I don’t see that well…ever.
Your daughter is going to wind up being the perpetual whining, “woe is me” person that nobody wants to be around. She will have very superficial friendships because everyone will figure out that she’s just in it for whatever she gets. And that she gives nothing back because she was never taught how to give anything back. Because she was never told no.
You should’ve been out of this relationship the minute you saw this developing. Six years is far too long to let it go on, especially since your older children have been so heavily affected by it. If you have to carry the load of actually parenting five of your kids because your husband’s a dickhead, you are the problem in that.
You’re at the point where what you should be worried about is this… Your husband is going to ruin your child’s life. He has already heavily negatively impacted your sons, along with his family. And you have allowed to happen.
You’ve tried to mitigate it, but you shouldn’t have to do that. What you should’ve been doing was taking action proactively.
So it should be a 2-card for your husband. It is time for individual therapy for him to find out why he is so heavily invested in his female child. Yes, that is weird as fuck. And no, we’re not all delicate and need to have everything handed to us. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with your husband, but something is.
His family is not far behind. So it is therapy for him and marriage counseling for you both. And therapy for your sons. I can only imagine the resentment that they are carrying for your husband and the innate dislike they probably have further little sister.
And if he declines, then divorce. The other card is for your divorce attorney. And before you go see that divorce attorney, you take stock of everything that the two of you owned together. House, cars, life, insurance, bank accounts, etc. Be prepared to show all of it to the attorney so he can give you factual evaluation of your case.
Because your choice is to let your husband ruin all of his children’s lives or to get help. And if you see anything else, all you’re doing is enabling.
Edited… And thank you to those who pointed out to me I had inadvertently added not regarding damage to the sons. Went in and corrected that because OPP has allowed her sons to be damaged to stay in this marriage.
Thank you! It is ABSOLUTELY weird AF! I would not even leave my daughter alone with him because I would have serious concerns.
And OP can’t say “oh he would never” because that is the story for 92% of victims of incest. People thinking “they would never” just because they hadn’t been caught before.
Exactly. There’s something weird with his whole family about this little princess thing.
And I tend to have a very high radar on shit like this simply because of my first stepdad. Enough said.
>Your husband and his family are not doing mental damage to your sons
Just not true though. They're telling the sons they're less loved solely due to what's between their legs. That they have to sacrifice all their moments and achievements for their sister.
You think that isn't damaging?
OMG! I was voice texting, and it added that. Absolutely meant to say they are doing a hell of a lot of damage! Thank you for pointing it out. I will go edit right now.
These kids are teenagers, and I bet they will never speak to their dad, and possibly you, once they leave the house. It's both your faults. Your daughter will be the most terrible human being if she's not taught the word "no" or that the world doesn't revolve around her. You know this world will chew her ass and hand it to her when she's an adult. Do better.
This 100%. Op in this case with your sons being teenagers and 6 years after your daughter birth, you cant be taking sides. You're too far gone for that, you either have to choose a good relationship with your husband or with your boys. You can't have it all and you need to start showing visible support and call out your husband bs every time
When a dam is completely full, it will surely burst. May your husband awaken from his favoritism and realize he has other sons who need his attention just as much as Ava.
Nta your husband is going to set unrealistic expectations for your daughter and going to cause your sons to resent their sister if they dont already. There needs to be a serious conversation with your husband and how he treats your sons. Once they all turn 18 I doubt they’ll want to continue a relationship with your husband.
No I agree because this is obsessive. He always wanted a daughter? And now he has one, he’s become a shit parent to his boys? I don’t understand his obsession with her. As a parent, I’d be obsessed with all of my kids (I only have one atm), not just one…
I had the same thought reading through this.
Especially because a lot of little girls end up getting SA'd by either their dad or step dad. idk it just gives me the ick when a guy is DEAD SET on a daughter and becomes borderline obsessive like this guy
ESH
Your husband for the obvious reasons.
You for standing by and allowing your husband to treat your sons like shit and do not even the bare minimum to mitigate it.
Your husband now buys your sons shitty gifts? Time to take over buying gifts.
Your in laws treat the sons like shit now? Time to significantly limit time visiting them.
You’ve allowed your sons to be neglected, forgotten, and pushed aside in favor of their sister. And I seriously doubt this is the first time your husband unjustly chastised his sons for not treating their sister like the second coming of Jesus.
You don’t want to divorce him, but frankly not divorcing him is playing Russian roulette on whether your sons cut you off along with their dad as soon as they can.
Wow you are an awful mother continuing to bring your boys up in that environment your just as bad as your asshat husband
Nta for what you said but YTA. For not stepping in years ago
If I was OP I would have stomped this shit out within a year of the daughter being born. Daughter doesn't get gifts for just existing. And if the husband's family can't treat every kid equal? His family doesn't get to see the kids. In addition Equal time for every kid. If we have to create a fucking chart for how much time was spent on every kid we will.
These preferences are unacceptable because they are being made known to your sons. THAT IS AWFUL! It’s bad enough your husband is so blatantly callous towards your sons but your in laws too! Come on! Have you asked them to treat them all equally especially with the gift giving? Since your husband has his head up his ass YOU should call out their behavior. Stand up for your sons! They’re already feeling rejected by their father which hurts like hell I might add but they can’t seem to rely on their mother to deal with the situation which hurts even more. I’ve lived with this pain & the sibling favoritism & let me tell you - it screws a person up royally - self esteem in the gutter, self coping mechanisms like drugs & alcohol, etc.
Get your kids, including Ava, into therapy together & do it yesterday. You & your husband need to talk to a therapist & get their recommendations on therapy for you two also. Your husband is a mess so YOU need to take the wheel & steer this boat before it capsizes. Stand up to your in laws & if they cannot curb their favoritism then YOU need to reconsider yours & your children’s relationship with them. M
I IMPLORE YOU TO GET YOUR KIDS HELP. This won’t end well.
>I don't wish to divorce him over this argument, as I want to create a happy and healthy environment for us all.
ESH. Stand up for your goddamned sons, and if he's not going to improve, get them away from him because he's doing serious damage to their mental health and well being already. Yeah, your husband is a piece of shit for neglecting his boys for his precious baby girl, but you've been letting him and his entire family treat your boys like second class citizens for *6 years*. Get your boys away from their neglectful dad and into therapy.
You can’t single handily create a “happy and healthy environment”. In a family it takes BOTH parents.
Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. You have to ask yourself, what am I teaching my kids? You’re teaching them that even if something is completely wrong, you stay when that shouldn’t be the lesson.
I won’t “should” all over you, but your boys already lost their dad, don’t make them lose you because they feel like you’ll never choose them and their ultimate happiness.
Please get them all some therapy so that they don’t end up parenting the way they were parented.
Ava is 6. He’s had 6 years to get it together and right now is when he needs to show up for his sons and he isn’t. The ONLY way forward is to divorce him and show your sons you won’t tolerate them being ignored just like you won’t tolerate your daughter being spoiled.
You not doing anything to change this is making you part of the problem.
>I want to create a happy and healthy environment for us all
I'm sorry to tell you op but this is not possible with your husband
YTA for staying with him. I think we have more than a 1000 storys here about parents like you and your husband
Your husband tearing your family apart with his kind of sick obsession with being a girl dad and ignoring his boys. This is extremely unhealthy. You all need family counseling. Your husband is failing as a father
The fact that you know what the problem is and how your sons are being treated makes you just as bad as your husband. Divorce him. Your sons will turn 18 and go NC with both of you. Then you’ll have to worry about the monster of a daughter your husband is creating. I feel bad for your boys; no one gets to choose what they’re born as. Tell your husband to grow tf up
No offense but you should be divorcing him. You care so much about your marriage but you are ignoring your sons mental health.
They don’t deserve to live in that hell hole and spending time with people who treat them like second class citizen.
You did something but let’s face it…you didn’t do enough. You allowed this neglect to continue by staying in this marriage.
You are both the A-hole.
Him for his obvious favoritism and neglect of his sons.
YOU for letting it continue.
You are setting yourself up for your boys to hate you as they get older for not stepping up and nipping this in the bud. Your daughter is also being set up to be an entitled little brat.
You need to get all of your children in therapy, like yesterday. And at the very least couples and family therapy for you and your husband and all of you.
And why exactly is he so enamored of being a girl dad? This just seems weird. Is there some significance for girls in his family or is he grooming her? That much of a difference is concerning and at least a pink flag, if not fully red for me.
Someone told me that girls show easily show more affection than boys. There wasn't really much difference with my kids but I've been told my son was super affectionate with me (one of the daycare givers said he's happiest when he sees me at the end of the day) to the point my dad told him to stop being a Mama's boy (my son just said no and glared at him) but now that he's a teenagers he controls himself in public compared with his sister.
NTA
He's raising a golden child daughter and is failing as a father on all fronts.
>You see, Jerry typically buys gifts for special occasions. Just last month, we celebrated the birthday of my twin sons, and once again, Jerry bought a gift for our daughter Ava as well. This has become a habit of his. Whenever any of our sons accomplishes something or has a birthday, he purchases a gift for our daughter too, so she won't feel excluded.
This is how you create a spoiled narcissist that truly believes the world revolves around her because her out of control father raised her that way.
Not only that, he's intentionally taking the spotlight off of those who actually accomplished something worth celebrating.
His sons are gradually growing to hate him. You know what the black hole comment meant right?
That Archie, even at his age, wants to *cut his own father out of his life and is developing hatred towards him and his sister*. This is all entirely because of your husband's choices.
Your husband has a pivotal period ahead of him. These incoming teenage years and their milestones will determine whether or not he fixes what he's done or does irreparable, long lasting damage that results in a lifelong hatred and division of your family.
If he manages to fuck up their graduations I hope he's ok being a father of one because his sons will likely walk away from him.
This story has undertones of AI doctoring which questions the authenticity of the story. Maybe OP simply had a bot polish the rough edges but the tone of the narrative presents rather artificial.
YTA. He’s been neglecting your sons and you have allowed it. For six years!! You reluctantly gave up on trying to mend their relationship. What the fuck. What kind of mother are you. You have just settled on the fact that your husband doesn’t love your sons. He knows it. You know it. Your daughter knows it. And your sons know it. In a few years they will hate you most of all. Because instead of protecting them you just laid down and died.
This plays into a huge trigger for me. I get angry when I see 3 or more same sex kids. They know you were wishing for the other sex. I had friends who grew up in homes like this. They knew they were not really wanted. OP , please get your sons and daughter help. Their father is really not helping any of your kids.
Err, I don’t think 3 or more same sex kids should necessarily indicate that… my family had 7 kids, one girl but she was in the middle. More of an issue of religion not believing in birth control.
Not always true. My friends have four girls. I was there when the last one was planned. The mother said "I love having babies. Colin, can we have another baby?" Colin replied "Err,OK, can we talk about this at home." Six months later she said "What if I'm pregnant?" and he replied "We will need a bigger home." That was it for discussion. Now they are all in their 30s and have their own kids. Colin never had any say in when she decided to have kids. But he did make sure it stopped at four.
I am sorry but your husband is gr0ss. I can't explain the discomfort reading this, and you are enabling his behaviour too. Your sons are going to h@te their sister. When your sons grow older, they will leave you and your husband. Bet on that.
This is really gross. Somebody's like fetishized the Daddy daughter relationship or something?This is not normal or acceptable behavior it is gross.
Your daughter is going to grow up totally incapable and spoiled and never accomplish anything herself.Meanwhile, your sons will out of spite.They will grow up strong and independent and hate both of you.Because while you are trying you are not standing up for your son's nearly enough and you're not letting them see you do it.
You are condoning this behavior in their eyes.And you really are because all you do is complain.But you don't actually enforce any change or action.
Your husband needs to seek therapy for this gross. Little father daughter fantasy that he has. Because it's not healthy for anybody.
I'm sorry but I cannot just wrap my head around this.It's just so unnatural and gross.
Not to mention what are your sons gonna grow up thinking about women?What is your husband teaching your sons about how to treat other women in their lives.
I cannot stand how you are standing by and allowing this to happen.And you say you don't want to divorce him?So what are you gonna do?Just keep up this shitty ass parenting behavior. You all are gonna ruin all of your kids
NTA for telling him the truth.
But you are an A H for letting your boys put up with being put in last place by your husband and his family. Its bad enough that they live it every day, but why would you subject them to it from the rest of his family? Why are you not taking them to your family for all holidays? Stop the excuses.
Take a stand and find your dang backbone. Your son finally did. Nothing will change until you make it change. Start protecting you children, Mom!
NTA but I would consider divorce over this issue. Your kids are not happy at home due to favoritism and as long as they stay in that house together Jerry will rub his favoritism to their faces. I wouldn’t blame them if they left the house as soon as possible and go no contact with you (due to enabling because yes, you are enabling him) & your husband.
NTA Your husbands fucking up his daugther just as much. Hes creating a monster that wont be able to function in the real world.
Yup! This is how my half sister was treated and I (also female) was treated like the red haired stepchild. We have no relationship because she’s a middle aged spoiled monster and EVERYONE has to bow down to her. She had to get gifts on my birthday every year even now, and also when I got married because she was jealous and then she tried to break up my marriage for the same reason. This is the kind of child that’s being raised here and her brothers will hate her as much as I hate my half sister. She’s also an alcoholic and junkie because no one ever said no to her and she did what she wanted. She was an alcoholic before her 16th birthday, and hooked on pills for the past 26 years or so. She went so off the rails that she can’t function as a human anymore. She’s living in her childhood bedroom because no one wants to live with her or date her (even though she’s stunning) because of how he acts. She can’t keep a job because of all the meltdowns when she doesn’t get her own way. This is the future your husband is setting up for your daughter. Her life will be miserable and she won’t know why and it will literally drive her crazy (my half sister has been locked up multiple times because she has lost her mind living in this fake world created for her) You *need* to put a stop to it now before this turns into her future too and her brother have nothing but hate for her because of their fathers actions
Holy shit... that's absolutely horrifying. I'm really sorry you had to suffer through that.
It’s been a 40+ year nightmare. She drives off anyone in my life with lies because in her head and because we’re “sisters”, I’m not allowed to have any friends *ever* except for her and I’m supposed to sit there and encourage her behaviour like the rest of the family does. I’m also expected to take her in when my uncle (who she lives with) dies, and I’m expected to continue raising her like I was forced to when I was a kid. I’ve gone No Contact and she doesn’t know what country I live in now. None of them do. None of them will ever know where I am
It’s better this way. You aren’t responsible and just as well not obligated to fix her. I can imagine you have enough fixing to do for yourself. I also moved countries 😂
Good for you! *high five* I have a lot to fix myself and my first appointment is in 3 weeks. I’m terrified but excited to get back to being me and continue to live freely for three first time in my life!
In my experience there is only one way now, upwards, and only the sky is the limit 🚀
Hell yeah it is! We got out, we’re getting whole and life is getting better. Hopefully the warriors in us can rest now. They’ve fought hard and deserve a sleep
Life will still throw stuff at you. But this always on attention should really go away. Time to heal, time to grow, and the means to leave stuff behind where it belongs. Best wishes. You got this💪
Thank you! I’m already stronger and better than I was a year ago. I’m a whole new woman. They can’t take me down or drag me back now! Keep fighting for your happiness and maybe we’ll meet at the stars someday
[удалено]
They’re starting to realise they have no one and are trying to sneak back into the fold. It’s horrible. I hope you can all stand strong and not let them get to you
Um...honey? That you? (jokes). This is the exact situation with my sister in law, too. She's doing only slightly better from it (no drugs, just lazy a.f. and makes no effort to work), and also expects us to take up the "care" banner when the current meal ticket dies (ha ha, no). Honestly, I'd leave the country before dealing with her, too.
Jesus
That's great! Wish You all the best!
Good for you 👏
You aren't responsible for her. Live your life.
That’s exactly what I’m doing. She can destroy her own life but she’s not taking me down with her
And hate for the father who has abandoned them emotionally. 🖤🖤
The sons will disown him and go NC, then when he's old and needs help or goes into a home, she will abandon him as well when there is nothing more she can get from him. Or heaven forbid he gets Alzheimer's and totally forgets who she is altogether, it could send her off the deep end as she will have brothers who want nothing to do with her and a mother who isn't going to coddle or cater to her every whim.She's Daddy's girl and he's right where she wants him, wrapped around her little pinky. Gotta nip that shit in the bud now while she is still young. Once she gets any older, there will be no fixing it as her mind will be set by the pattern.
Big time
She really does sound like a living nightmare. I'm sorry for her and you and your family. If you don't mind sharing, what exactly did she do to try and break up your marriage? I'm morbidly curious to hear more about her, but please ignore me if you aren't up to story time.
First she tried to say he hit her. Impossible, they’ve never been within 500miles of each other or in the same country at the same time. Then she started running to the cops saying he was sending death threats but couldn’t say which language they’re in (hubby doesn’t speak English). The cops called me to verify that my husband has NEVER been to the same country as her and to ask about the letters (that she apparently burned instead of going to the cops with them, although she told me the cops had the letters) She tried to call him to flirt via FaceTime but he didn’t know what she was saying to him and he hung up on her and blocked her. Then she started calling me with the same lies and she’s now says he SA’d her even though he was 1000 miles away and with me at the time. She’s spread these lies all over my hometown too so I had to deal with that at my grandfather’s funeral too last year. She a a pathological liar and my grandparents raised her to be like this. They caused it all and I’m the one still paying for it. I have no family now because of her and tbh I’m glad to be rid of the toxic bunch. They believed her lies and spread them further. It hasn’t stopped either. I still get threats from family members who want to SA me to “teach me a lesson” (my cousin at the funeral last year said this to me) I’d love to wake from this nightmare someday
Wow, so she is not just entitled, she is batshit crazy. Imagine the kind of damage she could have done if you were even in the same country as her, let alone in the same town. Amazing that anyone bought even a drop of what she was selling, because she is a very poor liar. You are better off without them.
Absolutely! When I heard some of those lies last year I felt sick. She’s been going around saying I’m a satanist and I do black masses and sacrifices and all sorts of BS because….. I like 80s and Synthpop music and I prefer to wear black most days. I’m also apparently have tattoos all over my face (nope) and I run with a gang who murders people for me. Serious BS that got proven to be lies the second everyone saw me. A little middle aged woman who felt as lost as she looked. 2 minutes later my sister had a meltdown and decided to OD (again) Me getting a second of attention broke her and she had to have it back on her immediately
You aren't kidding when you say pathological lair then. She just makes up things like a child playing pretend, it doesn't have to make sense as long as the attention is all on her. I'm sure therapy and medication would do her a world of good if anyone in her corner cared enough about her to push her. But like the saying goes, not your circus, not your monkey.
My uncle doesn’t want her medicated or in therapy. He LOVES the drama and he pushes her to OD for fun regularly. He kept my grandfather sick for 15 years so he could control him and he eventually was the cause of his passing. He needs someone to control and now that I’m not there to beat and throw downstairs, he has to do it to someone else. She won’t survive that house. If you don’t get out by the age of 25 and stay out, you’ll never leave. They will sabotage every attempt and they will make sure if you need mental health help, you won’t get it. They forced me to stop every time. My grandmonster even physically attacked a doctor who was trying to help me so my ADHD has gone unchecked because I’ve been too terrified to get help until recently. I’m just waiting for them to off each other so I can tear that house to the ground and salt the earth. There’s nothing but evil in that house
How she survived this long without being repeatedly punched in the face is beyond my ken.
She has my psycho uncle protecting her. He’s very violent, has no problem throwing toddler down stairs and carrying them back up to try again and instead kicks them in the head and back all the way down. He enjoyed burning me on my skin graft and donor sites when they were fresh and still healing. Had no issues hurting me physically in public and smiles his happiest smile as I scream. He and his mother caused me chronic nerve damage. He was taught to hurt women the second my mum was born and he hasn’t stopped since
Sheesh. I'm so sorry. I can only hope for something unfortunate to befall both of them sooner rather than later. I'm glad you are safe far and away from them .
It already has. Once everyone saw me and they were both immediately branded liars, the family wants nothing to do with them. It’s a big family too, over 200 people on each side. Maybe a cousin might pity them and talk to them but that’s about it. The rest see that they’ve been lying about me for 3 decades
Dude, your life could be a movie plot. From someone with their own crazy movie plot life, I am so sorry that you didn't get peace and the love you deserve as a child, and I hope you find it all now ❤️ Edited for spelling
I’m in a much happier place (and country) now. I’m no contact with the “family” and they don’t know where I live now. They are blocked everywhere. I have a wonderful husband and he and my kitty are my world. The past 8 months without them have been so chilled. Not having to deal with 2-8 hours calls daily from them is awesome too. I get to have a life now!
Dude. Not the same, but similar fuckery. I’m coordinating the care effort for my grandparents, as soon as whoever’s gone last of those two’s funeral is over, I’m out. I commute 6 hours 1 way every 2 weeks to do my part. It’s worth it not to see shitty family.
I hear you. I’d have to babysit my grandfather via FaceTime when my uncle would be gone for work. 8 hours a day for 3 days to 6 weeks. Even when everyone was home I was still at least 2 hours on FT a day. I couldn’t do anything without calling home and letting them know first.
You must’ve had to sneak out of the country at the last minute. I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall when they couldn’t get a hold of you and demand that you stay on the phone for hours.
I told them I was going on holiday, which was true originally, (I was living in my home country but the opposite end of it) and took off. They thought I’d be back in a few weeks but I ended up meeting my husband and the holiday never ended lol. Once they realised I was moving, no matter what, they decided to shut up thinking my marriage would fall apart within 6 months because we didn’t speak the same language. I learned his language and were almost 9 years married now and together almost 12 years. He’s learning English now and I’m not going to make him learn my mother tongue because it’s too difficult and he won’t really need it. He has a few words so I can get his attention without anyone noticing but that’s about it. We stayed in his country because it’s safer for us here without my “family” around causing trouble
I’m thinking you DONT want that family! You’re way better off
That or he is going to go full helicopter mode, he will try to control everything in her life, and the minute she hits puberty all freedom, she would need to have through teenagehood to learn to grow will be removed, she will live in a cage, because no man can live up to his golden child
Oh absolutely!! He’ll freak if he sees she’s using tampons and probably think it’s a gateway to sex (what I was told when they found out I was using them) He’s driven a massive wedge into the family and I’m not sure if they’ll ever get it out again. Dad needs therapy big time
Reminds me of my older sister. My dad was always soft on her and would take her side in anything, spoiling her however she wanted (and later demanded). I'm a girl, but as a kid I was a tomboy and even as I grew older and started to become more feminine, my sister was the princess of us kids in my dad's eyes (conversely my mom always wanted to be a 'boy mom' and spoiled my brother a lot, though he's much more of a kind person in comparison to my sister). Anytime my mom, my brother or I made my sister upset or cry, he would become angry and shout at us or other displays of anger that made me wary of my sister and him. If we were going to a movie, restaurant or vacation, he would always want to follow what my sister wanted (my mom would demand we go where my brother wanted as well). As a teenager she was spoiled, irritable, and selfish, and to be honest she has honestly gotten worse the older we have all gotten (bc she also only dates men who fall all over themselves to make sure she feels as spoiled as she wants). My dad bought a condo for himself, but after he moved into our grandmother's house following her passing, he let my sister live there rent free. He told me that he shared a bank account with her for years, and whenever he noticed her account running low, he would send in a couple hundred here and there. I was shocked because he barely acknowledged my financial issues (when I was a student and trying to finish school while working) while my sister mostly spent her money on partying. My grandmother had a savings account for us kids to go to college, and I was the only one who wanted to go. Lo and behold I found out he spent the money on a boat and boating equipment I guess?? Anyway, my parents were in hospice 5 years ago and passed away, and while I knew my sister was selfish and spoiled, the extent of it blew me away during that time. Even while she was behaving horribly (blaming everyone except for her with what was happening, becoming violent with me bc my mom's friends brought me presents at the hospital during my birthday and didn't think about her at all or whatever, screaming at me all the time that I was selfish and destroying my shit, etc) my dad told me to be gentle and careful with her because she's always been a sensitive and just has a lot of emotions. OP, seeing your husband talk about your daughter the same way was honestly a little triggering. At my parents funerals, all my sister did was talk about how my dad and my mom were her biggest fans (bc she's in a rock band) and how she'll always be a daddy's girl and basically just talked about herself instead of who my parents were as individual people. Idk I used to resent my parents a lot for their favoritism, my dad for my sister and my mom for my brother (which is a whole other story), but now, I just feel sad. I feel sad that my siblings are not functional human beings (and they've honestly fallen apart since my parents' deaths), that they probably won't change. That my parents truly did not love me because who I am as a person was worth less than what they each wanted in a daughter and son. And that even if they were alive today, they still probably would not ever see any of this. I'm not functional in my own ways because of my instinct to not be worth the effort of love and care for who I am. I hope the lack of care and love your husband has been showing towards your sons does not leave such a gap in their being, but those kinds of wounds can run deep, and never truly heal. Edit to add: my sister is also an alcoholic, my brother is as well. Funny enough, my dad was an alcoholic too, and suffered from major only child syndrome because my grandma spoiled him for being her one miracle baby and a genius at that (he had a 180 iq)
He needs therapy. That’s not his wife’s responsibility, it’s HIS.
Similar, but worse, than my older brother. He was the golden child and both my parents, though divorced, thought he shit chocolate. He grew up into a sanctimonious, entitled asshole. He’s very bright, so got good jobs in finance, but was made redundant 3 times in 3 years due to his attitude. He got divorced from his first wife because he was addicted to alcohol and drugs and had her new husband adopt his daughter. He did get sober for a while and him and his second wife, step daughter and their daughter moved back to the UK. He couldn’t cope with family life and kids, even though they went on to have a son. He hates his life and his wife is only staying for the lifestyle he can provide her and the kids. I’ve never seen a more unhappy person and he’s only 40. He’s back on the drugs and drink now, works all week and sleeps all weekend. He was ruined before he had a chance.
And even if she doesn't end up like your half sister, as a child who was favoured in my family, the hate you get and the exclusion from the other kids, watching them have a bond with their familial peers you don't, because of how adults treat them worse, it's really damaging.
It’s soul destroying. I was isolated from my entire extended family so they couldn’t see how badly beaten I was
I'm so sorry for what you have had to struggle through. I love the red haired step child reference tho. Great book series.
And he's restricting any other healthy relationships she could have!
Maybe that’s his intention. He wants a daddy’s girl and by god that is what he’s gonna get. You can’t properly enmesh with your child if they have other relationships. See also: *Covert(emotional) Incest*
Why am I finding this creepy?
I find any parent who wants so badly to be a boy/girl mom/dad and then ignores the other sexed children as creepy.
I agree. It's ok to have an inner fantasy of you + a specific child, but once an actual, real, breathing one is born, love the freaking kids you have!
This. Creepy he has to go to her room and say hello first.
Right like what exactly is he doing in there, giving her his "special daddy greeting"? I'd keep an eye out, OP
Because it shouldn't matter what gender his kids are, why is he obsessed with the girl?
Man I didn't wanna say it cause I don't know the guy and this is only one side of the story of a tiny glimpse of their lives but man this dude is giving off a certain vibe for sure.
Yeah, I feel like this is grooming behavior.
YES^ like, how tf is this normal?!
You aren’t the only one!
So Very Dearly Creepy. OP you're not the AH..
Yeah the vibe is just strange…
The Vibe is a V.C. Andrews novel, for sure. Also, it's bizarre that his whole family is like that. Like, Why? What makes girls "delicate" that you can only spend time with them and give only the girls twice the amount of gifts of the boys? I could see an under 10 / over 10 split, maybe, but the boy/girl split is creepy, no matter which sex gets more.
Because it is and it's very strange, I can't put my finger on it but it's surreal
Yeah I'm with you I kind if had a sick feeling reading this.
He is ultimately creating resentment between the daughter and all her brothers.
He's also teaching those boys to hate women, which isn't going to help them later in life.
Yeah, he's raising a daughter who's going to be an entitled, incapable disaster. Any kid that gets that level of special consideration, coddling, and elevation above the other kids — that's a kid who's not going to know how to have normal relationships or cope with real life.
My youngest sister. Nothing was ever her fault, parents made excuses for everything. She didn't even graduate from high school because it was too hard. Spent a life with dead end jobs and 3 failed marriages because she brought nothing to the table except a sense of entitlement. Our parents failed her big time.
He’s fucked up his relationship with all of his kids, and OP’s relationship with her own daughter. I know she says she loves all her kids equally twice in this post, but I can tell she’s starting to resent her daughter and it’s not her fault or ops fault.
I’m actually weirded out by OP’s husband. Wanting a daughter THIS bad is creepy af.
I always wanted a girl too, but this is obsessive and slightly disturbing.
I found that bizarre, as well. Especially how he totally dropped the sons after the daughter was born. I get having a desire for one gender, but then when you have a kid of the other gender, you love them as they are and would not trade them in. So to have a kid you do love and care for, but then to stop caring for them is just so strange.
Yeah, it's sad to see how favoritism can impact everyone in the family. It's important for parents to treat all their children fairly and equally.
SOOOOO much.
You told your husband the truth, OP. So did your son who confronted him. I hope you show your husband these comments. Good luck.
Yup! Got a sister who's about just under two years younger than me, we were close growing up for a while but then things change - as they do! I got friends and interests that she wasn't into, she developed learning difficulties so went to different schools or had assistance when joined me in secondary school, then eventually moved go a different school when I left for college! She tried college but dropped out, milking her special needs - which are purely learning difficulties as she knew she could get away with it with our parents! They always focused on her more than me and my achievements.. I did college, part time work and took part in the local pantomimes ( which parents barely watched or supported me in ) I would get some 1 on 1 time but would have at least 1 name slip in being called her name at least once a conversation.. Her needs were always met, always priority and now I live across the country living independently while she lives with my parents, who try their best to keep up with her and her growing laziness! I'm also VVVVLC with my parents - who don't really acknowledge my birthdays or Christmas anymore - I'm more of a bi-black sheep and they don't like that as they're old fashioned! I hate it and I hate to see people that go through the same thing or worse than I did! So sorry for what you are going through OP
Exactly. Those boys are going to leave home at the earliest opportunity... your husband is setting your daughter up to fail. Family therapy at the very least. NTA
Yep. He's setting her up as the favored "Golden Child" and guaranteeing that not only will she be unable to function as a responsible adult, but: 1. She will believe nothing is ever her fault and point the finger at everyone else. 2. Her siblings will resent her, and justly so. 3. She will be ill-equipped to have healthy adult relationships.
He has put his daughter on a princess throne and effectively thrown his sons away. How will he react when his daughter becomes demanding, using tantrums and guilt to get her own way? My parents would buy my daughter a present on my son’s birthday as well as my son and the same on her birthday….my son had a present too. If he’s not willing to buy ALL children presents on every child’s birthday (yeah, I know that’s ridiculous) then stop buying extra for the daughter. He is doing such a disservice to Ava, she has to be disciplined and stopped from drawing on the walls and other bad behaviour. I have a feeling that when her behaviour gets really bad he will blame you for not warning him. All fishing trips, picnics etc should be with ALL the children. When I was pregnant with both my children I wanted a healthy, happy child irrespective of gender. OP be stern and tell him to sort himself out.
Did you ever read that story on Reddit about how the daughter always gets gifts on her brothers birthday and occasions then throws a fit like crazy when she doesn’t get her way. Causing her older brother to lose his shit at his parents for being overlooked even at his own 18th birthday. His parents even got him a cake for her and went to some chucky cheese shit and his family was there to witness it and were appalled that they treated their son that way🤷🏻♀️ don’t want to spoil her too much then she can’t function in the real world. And I’m glad your husband has to realize what he is doing even if it’s his own sons he has to hear that from.
Yeap. I read this. The OP's sister is actually in a mental health facility for kids now, because her mind simply can't function in a world where she doesn't get everything she wants. Honestly, OP is the AH to her kids at this point. All her kids. I grew up with a father who favoured my younger brothers. I have no relationship with him now. Even my brothers barely have a relationship with him, because his attitude sucks so badly. OP needs to stop this behaviour, or get a divorce, and start showing her kids equality. My Mum loved me and my brothers the same. There was no "I have to love my daughter more because her father doesn't". OP is treating her daughter differently, and it's really cruel too. Not to mention the boys will eventually ask why their Mum allows their father to treat them this way with no consequences. This whole story us a mess, and all these kids are going to end up resenting their parents and each other.
Link??
Its a long one, dont start reading on the toilet. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/17pmud3/parents_made_every_single_birthday_about_my/
Stop taking your boys to holidays on his family side. They’ve made it clear that they want your husband and daughter there but not your sons. You need to make different plans with your boys and start protecting them from the family.
I don't understand why his family is also favouring their daughter, they should be treating them all equally. I can't imagine doing that to my nieces and nephews.
Maybe that’s why the husband always wanted to be a girl dad - his family seems to have a weird obsession with girls. The whole thing creeps me out!
This is the super odd thing to me. Why would you be so obsessed with having a child of a particular sex? I feel like dad should spend a bit of time with a therapist to understand the damage his fixation with his daughter is causing
All parents who fixate on their kids’ gender are creepy. ‘Girl dad’, ‘boy mom’, fuck off. You’re not special.
I was just saying it creeps me out… like the fixation is definitely unhealthy. Is he in love with his own daughter? Idk it’s weirdo shit for sure
This is giving off creepy predator vibes. I could be projecting but something about this makes my skin crawl.
This isn’t that uncommon. My family wasn’t nearly this bad but grandparents definitely favored my cousins (they were given presents and we weren’t). My brother is favored over my sister and I… it happens. This is way more extreme
One uncle/aunt did this and they got sh*t for it. We were all up there visiting. My young cousin, a girl, also had a brother. The brother and the rest of us got socks. The girl got toys galore. Multiple dolls, clothes, and an electronic microscope! I school grade ELECTRON MICROSCOPE! The presents under the tree were all for her. It's like they realized the rest of us would be there and ran and got us socks. We were all looking around like, WHAT!! Her brother was in tears. It was crazy how different they treated them. I didn't visit them again until I was an adult. I love them, but that Christmas hurt us all.
Not advice, but the idea of "boy dads" or "girl dads" is so disgusting and I hope that his life is only filled with misfortune and misery.
Every single parent Ive ever heard being "disappointed" in their child's gender is a terrible person. Change my mind. Like its one thing to be like "oh Id love to have a boy and a girl" or whatever, but actively being disappointed, esp to the point where you make comments about it is so fucking toxic.
Right? I can’t imagine living like that.
OP should instead *ask the boys if they want to stop going.* The boys are old enough to decide on their own how they want to handle the blatant favoritism. Some of them might want to boycott, while the others might be more mercenary about getting presents and a big meal. Abruptly refusing to take them could easily be misinterpreted as a worse form of being left out. Agency is super important in situations like these. It's how you make it clear that you value the child as a person.
So your daughter is going to grow up spoiled and entitled. You need to be a parent and do something. You're literally letting your sons think this behavior is okay. When they get older and go no contact with both of you, don't be surprised. And yes I mean you too, because you sat by even with arguing and did nothing. This is crazy that you don't see it. Really you should be pulling your daughter away as well.
Agreed and how is it enduring to draw on walls? Umm no, set some boundaries. Don’t allow gifts for her when it’s your other children’s birthdays. In the end, sadly, they are going to resent you, as well as their father, because you allowed it to happen. You tried to bring it up in a friendly manner? How about no, it’s not your birthday or your accomplishment, you don’t get a gift. As a family we celebrate each other’s achievements. She will get her turn. You have to teach her or she will be literally living with you the rest of your lives. Being a mother or parent is hard. Because doing the right thing, disciplining in an appropriate, loving way is not fun. I don’t like to do it, because I don’t want them to be sad, but I have to, in order to teach them a life lesson. Right from wrong. Obviously not always straight forward, but there are consequences for actions, good or bad. I chose to have these kids and it’s my job to love them, protect them, make sure they give back and work hard, are happy and good people and kind to everyone. You are not doing right by any of your children if this continues. Don’t just give up, because it’s “hard.” You have to do this for your kids.
Yep, at this point, she's tired. I get it, but being single is better than this mess. Stand up for your kids, and that includes your daughter. I mean, maybe if they divorce, she goes and lives with her dad, and you and your sons move on. At some point, you have to say enough is enough.
No. If they divorce they get shared parenting and the daughter won’t always be under the constant glow of her father’s neverending attention. She’ll have to live in a house with her mother and brothers sometimes, getting a fair share of the attention. Then maybe it will be far more apparent to her that it is not in fact normal the way her father dotes on only her. If this doesn’t stop the boys aren’t only going to resent their parents. They are going to loathe their sister.
Agreed.
My cousin always said "I'm not raising boys, I'm raising men." She wasn't denying that her boys have every right and reasonable opportunity to be children. She was saying that she was making every reasonable effort to make sure that when they reached adulthood, they'd be good, responsible, respectful men who can as easily cook, do laundry, and clean as they can fix a tractor, use a chainsaw, or rattle off proper crop rotation. She wants them to grow to be men, not to grow to be boys in men's bodies. OP's husband is raising a girl, sounds like a bratty one at that, and she's not doing a goddamn thing to stop him. They should both want to raise a woman, who won't be an entitled and bratty preschooler in an adult woman's body. But that's not what they're doing.
It was slightly endearing when my niece did this, but she is under two years old and doesnt quite understand the whole walls aren’t paper thing. That said we told her not to do that, and she listened. OP’s kid is what, six? That’s waaaaaaay past the drawing on walls stage. I am guilty of spoiling my niece, but she’s literally the only baby, I would never do one thing for her and not a sibling. Kids notice!
Can’t tell you how many stories I’ve seen on here where grown sons and daughters describe this exact same dynamic, and you and your husband are dangerously close to a nightmare scenario. The sons will resent the father more, but they may also be harboring resentment towards OP if they don’t perceive her as an active advocate for them. Daughter is going to grow up to be an entitled nightmare who can do no wrong in daddy’s eyes until she does something so awful that it’s impossible to ignore. And the sons will only say “that’s what you get for favoring your golden child miracle baby!” Dad needs to wake the f*** up and see what a shitty neglectful father he’s being. Thank God OP is making the effort to do things for the boys, but at this point she needs to draw a line in the sand. The prognosis isn’t good, dad sounds like he’s willfully blind, but we’ll see. I hope they get some family counseling ASAP if they want a chance at staying together.
She's literally setting her self up for the "Pick a side it's either us or your daughter" talk in a few short years when the boys are out of the house. She needs to bitch slap her husband back to reality. Because the sons will create their own family together without anyone n OP's daughter side.
[удалено]
The "extra care and delicacy" part gave me the creeps
It's also a recipe for raising a child who can't self-regulate emotions or cope with disappointment on her own, much less be considerate of others.
It's weird that it extends to the rest of his extended family as well. What was the dynamic in that family when he and his siblings were growing up, I wonder? It's not like there aren't any other girls among the nibblings, either.
Had a friend once that was that daughter. Her dad had always said he’d wanted a daughter, and once she was born, basically ignored his son. But in their case, her mom did leave the dad over it because no man was going to disrespect her son like that. AH didn’t even deny the favoritism and when they split, only fought for custody of my friend-he didn’t even try for his son-that one he happily signed over to mom. Funnily enough, the judge thought it was creepy enough as well that he awarded full custody for both kids to mom with visitation rights only for dad.
Glad I wasn’t the only one thinking that. His obsession just makes it so creepy to me
Emotional incest, at the very least. OP needs to protect her daughter. I would be getting a divorce immediately. Husband is abusing all of them.
As soon as I read he was wanting a daughter before they even tryed for kids, I thought was weird. I don't think a parent should fixate on having a certain gender because the bias can be bad but this is insane on another level. Yikes.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. There’s got to be more to this. He may be messing with your daughter.
It’s very weird
>"That's rich coming from a dad who doesn't give two shits about his sons. Your future is not looking brighter than a black hole." Holy mackerel, this is down right impressive. Your kids see whats up. in a few years he will probably wonder why his boys avoid him. Hell id be surprised if his daughter will see whats happening and choose to distance her self from her father too. Op should consider divorce, its much better to have a single parent who cares than having to see someone who treats them less than. NTA - but you're going to be if you stay
One day that little girl will be all grown up and asking why her brothers won't give her the time of day when everyone else adores her. Or why they don't spend time with their dad like she does. And they're going to have to explain to her that her father ruined their relationships and there's nothing she can do to fix it. That she gets to be loved more than anything by her dad, but the consequence is that her other family relationships are forever scarred by his actions. Learning that sometimes people don't like you and there's nothing you can do about it is a hard lesson, and she's going to learn it in a particularly hard way.
Unflavored sibling always hold resentment towards the favorite - especially if the favorite doesn’t admit to the special treatment because they want to “fit in” with the others.
> Unflavored siblings Haha
Hahaa my bad autocorrect. UnFAVORED siblings! You know, those without the parental seasoning and zest.
Unfortunately it’s a big enough age difference (youngest boy turning 18 when she just turns 13) I’d say odds are towards her being spoiled vs sympathizing with bros.
My sister is just 6 years older than me and she is the golden child. I don't really talk to her anymore and my life is better for it. She really feels like I owe her or something. It's sad. In her own words, she was happy before I was born. She was incredibly spoiled and didn't like to share the attention. My parents jokingly recall when she was six and asking them when will she be allwed to hit the baby.
Age doesn't matter: I'm in a set of triplets and we've got a golden child, the baby, and a scapegoat. First is "normal" and hit all expected development markers, second dx'd with autism at 2 and coddled to this day, third diagnosed with everything #2 has 15 years later. Guess which one I am. Lmao. Went NC this year and the relief is instant.
25; family still doesn't realize the reason im never around is because they never invite me. It's wild. Whats even wilder is my siblings ask my MOM how im doing instead of ME. My heart sincerely goes out to these boys, and i hope they know their mother loves them dearly, and hopefully one day they realize it wasn't their sisters fault; and i really hope that girl realizes how much her dad is really poisoning her mind.
Doesn't change later either. 32 and haven't spoken to a single family member even over text in about 6 months because they don't bother to text or invite. Last time I talked to my mom she complained that she never gets to see my kids and I told her "I won't take them over there because stepdad smokes inside regardless of who's over, I don't want them around cigarette smoke. We're home every weekend though, you're welcome to drop by whenever just give me like 30min notice." And can you guess how many times since then she's asked to come see them? That's right, 0. It's weird that they just don't understand that they're the ones actively choosing to not be part of my life.
39, have been blissfully no contact with EVERYONE in my family… especially my parents for years now. I live across the ocean from them. I am 29 weeks pregnant with my daughter. My 16 year old son and I both are smug in the knowledge that they have no clue of her existence… and never will if we have anything to say about it. My brother (who I kept alive as a baby/toddler/young child) is my egg donor’s surrogate husband. He will never be rid of her, he will never function as an adult. That’s the price of being the golden child in my shitshow family.
The parents who make a child their pseudo-spouse are disgusting. Truly disgusting. They've given birth to a child only to turn around and deprive the child of any type of decent life.
He deserves it. Than obsession with his daughter is just a bit creepy. Each child is a gift and he’s surely not acting that way. The kids know the deal, they always know the deal. They 100 know Jerry is checked out of their lives. They need to keep being vocal about it. He did make his own bed and has to lie in it. NTA.
Men who want daughters like this are always creepy.
This sounds like textbook grooming to me. I would be seriously concerned.
I’m concerned what would happen if OP did divorce and the kids, specifically the daughter, would stay alone with dad during visitation moments. Nothing good comes from a man who prioritizes his daughter over his sons and own wife. Creepy af.
It’s weirding me out because every dad I know originally wanted a boy or didn’t mind either way. It’s rare to see a man obsessed with wanting a daughter since a lot of men feel like daughters are more trouble to deal with and raise. Like I’m not totally disgusted but I feel uncomfortable and concerned reading this even before it got to the neglecting sons part. Why was this his life long dream?!
It's just weird to the extent that he is obsessed about it.
NTA - Yeah I find his obsession with his daughter to be quite ick. Especially at the expense of his sons. The over indulgence, the ignoring of his boys, the giving of gifts on other people’s special days – not only does it reek of favouritism, but he’s teaching her rubbish life lessons by catering to her ever whim. You guys need to step out of the house and have a long conversation about this, away from your kids. Might even need the boys to write down how they feel unloved and neglected since Ava was born so your husband has to actually read and focus on how his behaviour is directly affecting his other kids. If nothing else, let him know that his boys are probably going to go no contact with him in the future because of this treatment. So you don’t want to hear him bitching down the track when you are the only parent invited to their graduations, weddings, ‘family’ dinners etc.
NTA. Your husband clearly favors your daughter and it's hurting your sons. Consider couples and/or family therapy to address this as a family. You and your sons deserve better.
It’s also hurting their daughter and cheating her out of a good relationship with her siblings.
And out of boundaries and creating a terrible sense of entitlement for her.
Absolutely setting the daughter up to be a nasty selfish super entitled future Karen and ruining her personality. My mother was spoiled this way and believed that everyone else was supposed to be her servant.
And cheating her out of a good relationship with Mom as well. Since she has to be the one focusing on the boys and being the bad guy trying to establish boundaries for daughter. And lets face it >daughters require extra care and delicacy is not a healthy relationship either. Dad among everything else is a sexist ass who will not raise daughter as a functional person.
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Exactly. Neglect is a form of emotional abuse, and your husband is absolutely neglecting your sons. And she is being set up for extremely unhealthy relationships with men, expecting them to do everything she wants or to hate her where she has to try and earn their affection. Either way, this doesn't end well for any of the kids.
YTA for being an enabler to emotional abuse and neglect. You say you don't want to divorce, so what ARE you willing to do to help your sons?
Idk it’s always really creepy to me when either parent is invested in the sex of the child more than the child themselves. The way op told the story it’s pretty clear the warning signs were there the whole time.
I was also finding it very odd that he was so interested in having a girl, and that she be treated more delicately than the boys. This seems very odd to me. Husband has some kind of strange, fetish is not the right word here, but it almost is. His intentions to have a girl seem a bit sinister to me, and certainly suspicious at the least. That man needs some serious therapy, sounds like they all do. To clarify, it would be ok to want to have a girl, but this is far beyond just wanting one. OP is allowing this behavior and will be cut off just like the dad because she allowed it and did nothing. Arguing is not enough, there has to be action behind the words otherwise it means nothing. She'd better prepare herself to make some actions soon because at their ages I doubt she has much, if any, time left to take action.
I absolutely agree with this commenter. You gave him chances to fix the issue, you talked with him repeatedly but then you just gave up and tried to cover his slack. That isn't fair to your sons, it is extremely damaging to their sense of self worth. On top of that it is going to lead to a daughter who will have no friends because she isn't taught to respect boundaries or consider other people's feelings. At this point it will be an uphill battle to undo the damage that has already been done.
This needs to be top comment, but I’m also leaning towards this is fake because I can’t understand how any mother would enable this kind of behavior. Edit for judgement: YTA
I think a lot of people don't realise how much traumatic damage emotional neglect can do to children. It's not an active form of abuse like physical abuse or verbal abuse. It's just the withdrawal of love...made all the worse because the boys did experience what their dad's love was like and then he abandoned them. Now they just get to watch him love their sibling. It's so cruel.
Rethink your comment. child services exist for a reason.
I’ll be honest with you OP - you need to consider where your line in the sand is. I know what I’m talking about. My husband has never bonded with our oldest child, son aged 26 now. He spoils our youngest and our daughter is his favourite. But our oldest? Nothing of any depth or connection or even interest. Husband doesn’t even have a shared language with oldest. From the time he was a toddler husband has always claimed oldest was intentionally being difficult, even malicious. I spent 15 years trying to fix it. I talked, explained, supported till I was blue in the face. Husband just couldn’t. And oldest has known since he 3as tiny that dad doesn’t love him like his siblings. Here’s when I should have pulled the plug. When daughter was 14 her and my relationship was awful. Toxic. I was complaining one day that I just didn’t know what to do about it. Husband told me that as the adult it was my responsibility to do whatever it took to find away, because she was the child and I was the parent. It was my duty. So I worked dam hard to find ways you work on the relationship with my girl. Was not easy. But we did it. We got through her teens - very challenging years! - and we have a sold bond now. Lordy, the girl trusts me enough to tell me stuff that makes my eyes water. It’s great. But my husband couldn’t do what he told me to do. The damage my husband had done to my son will be lifelong. It’s obvious to those who care for my son. His girlfriend hates my husband. Can barely stand to be in the same too. It took her only weeks to say that she loathed the way husband spoke to our son. She even told me. This damage lasts. You’re not protecting your sons by allowing this to go on. You are also allowing your daughter being warped developmentally by your husband. After 28 years of marriage I’ve pulled the plug. Husband was blindsided. Apparently he had no idea I’d been losing respect for him for years. It took me too long to realise that what I thought of as ‘one blind spot’ was actually a clear indication of the rest of his character. There’s something not right in him. What you’re describing feels very much the same to me. You need to have a good hard think here. You have 5 children that need a reset. Your boys need to know that one parent can stand up and put them first regardless of anything. Even if that means divorce. The status quo for your daughter is predictable too if there’s no change. Awful relationship with her brothers, resentment all round. A family divided. Your husband is destroying your family unit anyway. Sometimes you need your break current things to build new and better. As for my family, we are still separating. Oldest has moved out of home recently. He told me he expected that his dad would never make any effort to talk to him again. Not angrily, just sad. He’s been right. You can’t let this go on. Like I said. You need to think about where you draw the line. Because there’years ahead and world of pain heading for your family right now.
OP, listen to this!! (I'm sorry you went through this too btw, I'm glad you were able to figure it out)
Your husband has an issue. I don’t know exactly what it is, but it’s not healthy. And what he’s doing is creating a bitch of a daughter. And I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but I am a mother of three daughters. This is unacceptable. I was the youngest, and the only girl in my family. Believe me, I was not spoiled. My mom was happy to have her daughter, but I was not spoiled. And my brothers that everyone thought was spoiled me… No. They picked on me like all siblings do. Nobody else could pick on me because I had three big brothers, but we absolutely had a very typical sibling relationship. Your husband and his family are ~~not~~ doing mental damage to your sons, but they are also doing so much damage to your daughter. They are telling her that she special. That she is above everyone else. That she doesn’t have to play by the rules. That none of the regular rules applied to her, and she should get what she wants every time. How do you think that is going to play out for her later in life? How do you think she’s going to do in a work situation where she doesn’t just get handed everything and isn’t the golden employee? How do you think she’s going to do in college, when daddy‘s not there to pick up the pieces for her? My bet is she’s going to either flunk out or just quit because she doesn’t get her own way. You know what? Those professors don’t care if you show up for class other than to tell you that if you’re not there for a certain percentage of classes, you fail. Don’t turn in your work? They’re not gonna do anything about it. How do you think that attitude is gonna fly for her when she finally gets in a relationship and then her SO figures out she’s a whiny little bitch who expects to have everything done for her? I don’t see that well…ever. Your daughter is going to wind up being the perpetual whining, “woe is me” person that nobody wants to be around. She will have very superficial friendships because everyone will figure out that she’s just in it for whatever she gets. And that she gives nothing back because she was never taught how to give anything back. Because she was never told no. You should’ve been out of this relationship the minute you saw this developing. Six years is far too long to let it go on, especially since your older children have been so heavily affected by it. If you have to carry the load of actually parenting five of your kids because your husband’s a dickhead, you are the problem in that. You’re at the point where what you should be worried about is this… Your husband is going to ruin your child’s life. He has already heavily negatively impacted your sons, along with his family. And you have allowed to happen. You’ve tried to mitigate it, but you shouldn’t have to do that. What you should’ve been doing was taking action proactively. So it should be a 2-card for your husband. It is time for individual therapy for him to find out why he is so heavily invested in his female child. Yes, that is weird as fuck. And no, we’re not all delicate and need to have everything handed to us. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with your husband, but something is. His family is not far behind. So it is therapy for him and marriage counseling for you both. And therapy for your sons. I can only imagine the resentment that they are carrying for your husband and the innate dislike they probably have further little sister. And if he declines, then divorce. The other card is for your divorce attorney. And before you go see that divorce attorney, you take stock of everything that the two of you owned together. House, cars, life, insurance, bank accounts, etc. Be prepared to show all of it to the attorney so he can give you factual evaluation of your case. Because your choice is to let your husband ruin all of his children’s lives or to get help. And if you see anything else, all you’re doing is enabling. Edited… And thank you to those who pointed out to me I had inadvertently added not regarding damage to the sons. Went in and corrected that because OPP has allowed her sons to be damaged to stay in this marriage.
Thank you! It is ABSOLUTELY weird AF! I would not even leave my daughter alone with him because I would have serious concerns. And OP can’t say “oh he would never” because that is the story for 92% of victims of incest. People thinking “they would never” just because they hadn’t been caught before.
going straight to the daughters room right when he gets home from work is sooo……..
Exactly. There’s something weird with his whole family about this little princess thing. And I tend to have a very high radar on shit like this simply because of my first stepdad. Enough said.
>Your husband and his family are not doing mental damage to your sons Just not true though. They're telling the sons they're less loved solely due to what's between their legs. That they have to sacrifice all their moments and achievements for their sister. You think that isn't damaging?
OMG! I was voice texting, and it added that. Absolutely meant to say they are doing a hell of a lot of damage! Thank you for pointing it out. I will go edit right now.
These kids are teenagers, and I bet they will never speak to their dad, and possibly you, once they leave the house. It's both your faults. Your daughter will be the most terrible human being if she's not taught the word "no" or that the world doesn't revolve around her. You know this world will chew her ass and hand it to her when she's an adult. Do better.
This 100%. Op in this case with your sons being teenagers and 6 years after your daughter birth, you cant be taking sides. You're too far gone for that, you either have to choose a good relationship with your husband or with your boys. You can't have it all and you need to start showing visible support and call out your husband bs every time
When a dam is completely full, it will surely burst. May your husband awaken from his favoritism and realize he has other sons who need his attention just as much as Ava.
You must be a troll with how you gave up on your sons to become a living doormat. ESH- Fix it.
Big surprise: OP already deleted her profile. She must not have liked to hear it how is from other people
Nta your husband is going to set unrealistic expectations for your daughter and going to cause your sons to resent their sister if they dont already. There needs to be a serious conversation with your husband and how he treats your sons. Once they all turn 18 I doubt they’ll want to continue a relationship with your husband.
NTA. Your husband’s obsession with your daughter is creepy. Are you sure there isn’t more to it than you’re letting on?
No I agree because this is obsessive. He always wanted a daughter? And now he has one, he’s become a shit parent to his boys? I don’t understand his obsession with her. As a parent, I’d be obsessed with all of my kids (I only have one atm), not just one…
I had the same thought reading through this. Especially because a lot of little girls end up getting SA'd by either their dad or step dad. idk it just gives me the ick when a guy is DEAD SET on a daughter and becomes borderline obsessive like this guy
ESH Your husband for the obvious reasons. You for standing by and allowing your husband to treat your sons like shit and do not even the bare minimum to mitigate it. Your husband now buys your sons shitty gifts? Time to take over buying gifts. Your in laws treat the sons like shit now? Time to significantly limit time visiting them. You’ve allowed your sons to be neglected, forgotten, and pushed aside in favor of their sister. And I seriously doubt this is the first time your husband unjustly chastised his sons for not treating their sister like the second coming of Jesus. You don’t want to divorce him, but frankly not divorcing him is playing Russian roulette on whether your sons cut you off along with their dad as soon as they can.
Wow you are an awful mother continuing to bring your boys up in that environment your just as bad as your asshat husband Nta for what you said but YTA. For not stepping in years ago
Yes! At the very minimum, giving her a gift for someone else’s occasion should have been shut down immediately and the uneven gifts from relatives.
If I was OP I would have stomped this shit out within a year of the daughter being born. Daughter doesn't get gifts for just existing. And if the husband's family can't treat every kid equal? His family doesn't get to see the kids. In addition Equal time for every kid. If we have to create a fucking chart for how much time was spent on every kid we will.
These preferences are unacceptable because they are being made known to your sons. THAT IS AWFUL! It’s bad enough your husband is so blatantly callous towards your sons but your in laws too! Come on! Have you asked them to treat them all equally especially with the gift giving? Since your husband has his head up his ass YOU should call out their behavior. Stand up for your sons! They’re already feeling rejected by their father which hurts like hell I might add but they can’t seem to rely on their mother to deal with the situation which hurts even more. I’ve lived with this pain & the sibling favoritism & let me tell you - it screws a person up royally - self esteem in the gutter, self coping mechanisms like drugs & alcohol, etc. Get your kids, including Ava, into therapy together & do it yesterday. You & your husband need to talk to a therapist & get their recommendations on therapy for you two also. Your husband is a mess so YOU need to take the wheel & steer this boat before it capsizes. Stand up to your in laws & if they cannot curb their favoritism then YOU need to reconsider yours & your children’s relationship with them. M I IMPLORE YOU TO GET YOUR KIDS HELP. This won’t end well.
>I don't wish to divorce him over this argument, as I want to create a happy and healthy environment for us all. ESH. Stand up for your goddamned sons, and if he's not going to improve, get them away from him because he's doing serious damage to their mental health and well being already. Yeah, your husband is a piece of shit for neglecting his boys for his precious baby girl, but you've been letting him and his entire family treat your boys like second class citizens for *6 years*. Get your boys away from their neglectful dad and into therapy.
You can’t single handily create a “happy and healthy environment”. In a family it takes BOTH parents. Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. You have to ask yourself, what am I teaching my kids? You’re teaching them that even if something is completely wrong, you stay when that shouldn’t be the lesson. I won’t “should” all over you, but your boys already lost their dad, don’t make them lose you because they feel like you’ll never choose them and their ultimate happiness. Please get them all some therapy so that they don’t end up parenting the way they were parented.
Ava is 6. He’s had 6 years to get it together and right now is when he needs to show up for his sons and he isn’t. The ONLY way forward is to divorce him and show your sons you won’t tolerate them being ignored just like you won’t tolerate your daughter being spoiled. You not doing anything to change this is making you part of the problem.
>I want to create a happy and healthy environment for us all I'm sorry to tell you op but this is not possible with your husband YTA for staying with him. I think we have more than a 1000 storys here about parents like you and your husband
Your husband tearing your family apart with his kind of sick obsession with being a girl dad and ignoring his boys. This is extremely unhealthy. You all need family counseling. Your husband is failing as a father
The fact that you know what the problem is and how your sons are being treated makes you just as bad as your husband. Divorce him. Your sons will turn 18 and go NC with both of you. Then you’ll have to worry about the monster of a daughter your husband is creating. I feel bad for your boys; no one gets to choose what they’re born as. Tell your husband to grow tf up
Is it just me or the over affection/obsession of the dad is giving the ick?
Def nor just you but I'm dumbfounded by how few people are pointing that out
Not just you. This man’s behavior is creepy AF. I’d put a hidden camera in the daughter’s room and keep an eye on him.
No offense but you should be divorcing him. You care so much about your marriage but you are ignoring your sons mental health. They don’t deserve to live in that hell hole and spending time with people who treat them like second class citizen. You did something but let’s face it…you didn’t do enough. You allowed this neglect to continue by staying in this marriage.
was this written by AI
Totally
You are both the A-hole. Him for his obvious favoritism and neglect of his sons. YOU for letting it continue. You are setting yourself up for your boys to hate you as they get older for not stepping up and nipping this in the bud. Your daughter is also being set up to be an entitled little brat. You need to get all of your children in therapy, like yesterday. And at the very least couples and family therapy for you and your husband and all of you. And why exactly is he so enamored of being a girl dad? This just seems weird. Is there some significance for girls in his family or is he grooming her? That much of a difference is concerning and at least a pink flag, if not fully red for me.
Someone told me that girls show easily show more affection than boys. There wasn't really much difference with my kids but I've been told my son was super affectionate with me (one of the daycare givers said he's happiest when he sees me at the end of the day) to the point my dad told him to stop being a Mama's boy (my son just said no and glared at him) but now that he's a teenagers he controls himself in public compared with his sister.
Does your husband have mommy issues? Or did he lose a sister during childhood? There’s something really off about his fixation with your daughter.
This should not have been allowed to continue for six years. Your poor sons. He is a horrible father and you have enabled him.
NTA He's raising a golden child daughter and is failing as a father on all fronts. >You see, Jerry typically buys gifts for special occasions. Just last month, we celebrated the birthday of my twin sons, and once again, Jerry bought a gift for our daughter Ava as well. This has become a habit of his. Whenever any of our sons accomplishes something or has a birthday, he purchases a gift for our daughter too, so she won't feel excluded. This is how you create a spoiled narcissist that truly believes the world revolves around her because her out of control father raised her that way. Not only that, he's intentionally taking the spotlight off of those who actually accomplished something worth celebrating. His sons are gradually growing to hate him. You know what the black hole comment meant right? That Archie, even at his age, wants to *cut his own father out of his life and is developing hatred towards him and his sister*. This is all entirely because of your husband's choices. Your husband has a pivotal period ahead of him. These incoming teenage years and their milestones will determine whether or not he fixes what he's done or does irreparable, long lasting damage that results in a lifelong hatred and division of your family. If he manages to fuck up their graduations I hope he's ok being a father of one because his sons will likely walk away from him.
Why on earth are you staying with someone who you’ve admitted is emotionally neglecting and abusing FOUR of your children?
This story has undertones of AI doctoring which questions the authenticity of the story. Maybe OP simply had a bot polish the rough edges but the tone of the narrative presents rather artificial.
YTA. He’s been neglecting your sons and you have allowed it. For six years!! You reluctantly gave up on trying to mend their relationship. What the fuck. What kind of mother are you. You have just settled on the fact that your husband doesn’t love your sons. He knows it. You know it. Your daughter knows it. And your sons know it. In a few years they will hate you most of all. Because instead of protecting them you just laid down and died.
Fake and stupid
Profile already deleted!
This plays into a huge trigger for me. I get angry when I see 3 or more same sex kids. They know you were wishing for the other sex. I had friends who grew up in homes like this. They knew they were not really wanted. OP , please get your sons and daughter help. Their father is really not helping any of your kids.
Err, I don’t think 3 or more same sex kids should necessarily indicate that… my family had 7 kids, one girl but she was in the middle. More of an issue of religion not believing in birth control.
Not always true. My friends have four girls. I was there when the last one was planned. The mother said "I love having babies. Colin, can we have another baby?" Colin replied "Err,OK, can we talk about this at home." Six months later she said "What if I'm pregnant?" and he replied "We will need a bigger home." That was it for discussion. Now they are all in their 30s and have their own kids. Colin never had any say in when she decided to have kids. But he did make sure it stopped at four.
I am sorry but your husband is gr0ss. I can't explain the discomfort reading this, and you are enabling his behaviour too. Your sons are going to h@te their sister. When your sons grow older, they will leave you and your husband. Bet on that.
This is really gross. Somebody's like fetishized the Daddy daughter relationship or something?This is not normal or acceptable behavior it is gross. Your daughter is going to grow up totally incapable and spoiled and never accomplish anything herself.Meanwhile, your sons will out of spite.They will grow up strong and independent and hate both of you.Because while you are trying you are not standing up for your son's nearly enough and you're not letting them see you do it. You are condoning this behavior in their eyes.And you really are because all you do is complain.But you don't actually enforce any change or action. Your husband needs to seek therapy for this gross. Little father daughter fantasy that he has. Because it's not healthy for anybody. I'm sorry but I cannot just wrap my head around this.It's just so unnatural and gross. Not to mention what are your sons gonna grow up thinking about women?What is your husband teaching your sons about how to treat other women in their lives. I cannot stand how you are standing by and allowing this to happen.And you say you don't want to divorce him?So what are you gonna do?Just keep up this shitty ass parenting behavior. You all are gonna ruin all of your kids
NTA for telling him the truth. But you are an A H for letting your boys put up with being put in last place by your husband and his family. Its bad enough that they live it every day, but why would you subject them to it from the rest of his family? Why are you not taking them to your family for all holidays? Stop the excuses. Take a stand and find your dang backbone. Your son finally did. Nothing will change until you make it change. Start protecting you children, Mom!
NTA. But this is odd. The post feels like it was written like a story in a book.
NTA but I would consider divorce over this issue. Your kids are not happy at home due to favoritism and as long as they stay in that house together Jerry will rub his favoritism to their faces. I wouldn’t blame them if they left the house as soon as possible and go no contact with you (due to enabling because yes, you are enabling him) & your husband.
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