You should talk to your sister one on one. It may not be your good news that made her sad. She may have some feelings about the fact that your parents take every possible opportunity to harp on how terrible her life is
This is definitely the first step, OP. Your sister might be okay with what your mom is doing, but having to listen to someone shush out any good news because of how horrible your mom thinks her situation is could be really depressing for her.
I know itâs difficult, but lots of people live happy lives with worse conditions.
Agreed. And if the family can't come around after that, it's time to consider distancing yourself. You deserve to be able to celebrate happy times and good things that happen to you, and to have people who can be happy for you when those things happen. What happened to your sister was tragic, but she and your parents do not get to use her tragedy to make everyone around them miserable.
I agree 100% that lots of people who have harder conditions live better lives. I work in a grocery store and we employ special needs people. One of has Down syndrome and is in wheelchair because he has a rare medical condition in his muscles. Charlieâs job is to take the bags out with customers and talk with them as he does it. Heâs great at his job and customers love him.
In my mind Charlie has had a much harder life than your sister.
Ditto! Your parents are pitying her, while it might bum her out on some level, I would think she'd be more sad thinking you weren't living up to your potential or was otherwise ungrateful for your accomplishments.
I would think she'd love for you to rush in and give her your happy news first. Or to ask her for big sister advise on how to accomplish your goals, etc.
I highly doubt she wants to be treated differently.
Not trying to be rude here but⊠I donât believe in the Hardship Olympics. No need to compete over who has it worse, itâs enough to say âthings are also rough for so-and-so and [this is how they deal with it / this is what happened, etc.].â Youâll still get the message across without minimizing either partyâs problems.
I'm so glad that you will talk to her directly (when your mom is not around to shush you or steer the conversation differently).
But I still hope to impress upon you that there is NO scenario where you are wrong (1) for wanting to share your joys with your family, nor for (2) asking out loud if the family is ever going to let you share your good news. Your mom is flat out wrong. And if your sister thinks you having something to be happy about in your life is reason for her to be sad, then she is wrong, too.
It is fine to be sensitive to someone's sorrow and challenges when telling them your good news, but it's not fine for someone to think you having good news should never be acknowledged. After years of unsuccessfully trying to have a baby and then turning to adoption, my husband and I finally got the news that we were approved for an adoption. We got it the day before we were to attend the funeral of our friend's mom. At the funeral, when we talked to him to convey our condolences, he mentioned the adoption. I told him I was so excited for our news but so heart-broken for his loss, and he hugged me and said he felt the same.
If your mom is mistakenly trying to protect your sister (and your sister does not need it), then your sister can speak up and correct your mom's faulty thinking. If your sister actually doesn't want to hear your good news, then you have done nothing wrong. But you can choose to share your life and your joys with people who don't see your happiness as something negative. And it will be their loss.
NTA.
As someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation to your sister compared with my younger brother, I can say that it is possible to feel a bit hurt or sad seeing a younger sibling pass you in this way while at the same time being proud of and happy for them. That hurt or sadness is my own and just because he happened to trigger it does not mean it is his fault or his responsibility to manage for me.
The conflicting feelings occasionally make difficult to be there for him and be as excited or supportive as he deserves the exact moment something is announced but I am always proud of his achievements and happy for him.
I would never want my brother to feel like he cannot share things about his life on my account. Seeing him successful and happy far outweighs my own discomfort every time.
Definitely find out ehat she wants/needs. I would not just follow what your mother is saying. She may have her oen trauma but shouldn't be speaking for your sister.
And if your sister is part of it, Iâd start wondering why you arenât allowed to be part of the family or happy, and why she canât be happy for you.
Your parents seem to be gatekeeping your sisters emotions. This is not their place and it will be damaging for your sister in the long run. Killing with love or whatever the phrase is.
I would bypass the parents and talk to the sister first. Or only tbh.
You're very welcome. I can't speak for your sister, but I can say that in my experience, watching others enjoy things you struggle with or can't do after suffering a trauma is tough at first, but the endless years of people treating you like you're not a person anymore is unbearable
That's exactly it. I'm a double amputee, and I've learned how to deal with the limits of my disability. I can't imagine trying to adjust to life as a disabled person if my mom kept reminding me over and over that I'm broken. One sister can't talk about good news because that would remind the other sister that she is broken.
The one in the wheelchair will never learn to live as a disabled person if she's constantly reminded of what she can't do. Right now, it sounds like their mom hasn't processed her feelings about the accident, so she won't let her disappointment go. Mom is the one who has a problem of being reminded that one daughter can't do the things she used to do.
Like the saying goes, let it go. Show her what she can do. Celebrate accomplishments that stretch her abilities, so she knows that someone is there to not just make her feel better but to help her be better.
Exactly. Imagine if every time your siblings mentioned anything positive, your parents announce loudly in front of you that you were too tragic and damaged to hear good news without having a breakdown
Yes, it sounds like the parents are fixated on all of the things the sister has lost *can't* do, rather than focussing on the future and supporting her to accomplish the things that she *can* do. Both sisters should feel able to achieve goals and have them celebrated. The whole family seems to be stuck four years in the past.
NTA. Is your sister in therapy? She needs to be. She needs help grieving for her old life and learning to enjoy her new life. Pretending everyoneâs life has frozen in time isnât going to help her in the long run.
Much less by shoving their faces in it as OPs parents are doing. If becoming paralyzed didn't depress her sister, surely the constant refrain of their parents announcing that no one else can be happy because her life is so tragic and miserable will do the trick
NTA. Do your parents get that you will be getting married? Do they want to be invited? Please found a new support system because they aren't it and I'm sorry they are doing that to you.
Why apologize to your family? While what happened to your sister is difficult and heartbreaking, you don't deserve to be treated this way. By allowing them to make you feel like you don't deserve any joy in your life, you may start to believe it yourself and find it hard to feel happy about anything anymore.
Did your parents start treating you this way only after the accident or was it like this before as well? Either way I'm sorry for what happened to your sister but you're NTA.
You donât owe your sister an apology, you donât owe anyone any apology. Youâre allowed to have good things happen.
I would speak to your sister directly to gauge if she agrees with what the rest of them are saying. After that I would limit all contact with all of them, and honestly I would consider not inviting at least your parents to your wedding because you know theyâre going to tell you not to even have a wedding or anything else.
NTA but your family is.
You donât owe an apology. If itâs your sister thatâs asking for this behavior, she owes you one. If itâs your mom only, she owes it.
Your sister is a fully realized person and the two of you deserve the same amount of respect, attention and affection. As someone who has a disability, I find it disgusting when people treat us like children. Weâre capable of managing our own emotions. The consequence is that by keeping your sister aware of whatâs going on in other peopleâs lives, everything becomes about your sister and her disability. She is more than that. Sheâs a full on person. This infantilizing harms all of you.
Thank you! In the comments OP says her sister is married with kids. She's a 32 year old adult with a life. Why is her family acting like she's still the kid?
Some people get really weird about disabilities. It's unfortunately not uncommon for adults to not be treated like adults even though they don't have any cognitive or developmental issues. Some members of my family won't tell me things because they "don't want to stress" me. It drives me nuts but I've realized they won't change so I've just let it go. Never mind that I ran a support group for people with chronic illness for over a decade!
NTA. I wonder if your parents are going to want you to have a low-key wedding because otherwise it might upset your sister, or because your mom thinks it would upset your sister. And if you start trying for kids? Is your mom going to act the same way? Or worse not want you to have kids because that means you will spend less time helping your sister.
Your mom definitely has a problem and you need to talk to her about it.
NTA and I donât think you necessarily owe your sister an apology either. Though if you think it might help genuinely smooth things over and not just put you back into the position of hiding your perfectly normal, happy life milestones, then go ahead.
Your reaction was a valid one and I hope itâs making your parents think. Itâs unfortunate that she had that accident and now has to adjust her life going forward. But your parents asking you to hide all the good things in your life only hinders her ability to heal and move on. In fact it probably keeps her stuck in the past because grieving those milestones you thought would happen is a part of the healing process.
The reality is that she was dealt a blow but it doesnât mean she canât still go on to live a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life.
You should be allowed to share good news at appropriate times without checking off a dozen boxes making sure your sister will be emotionally stable enough to hear it. And your parents should support it.
NTA, and for the record there are many disabled people who live good lives. She is not being encouraged to be whole, she is being treated like a bird with a broken wing. How does that help her? Watch the paralympians play hockeyâŠdo you think they are feeling sorry for themselves? She needs therapy, to find purpose and meaning. Your parents needed to be told off. And I would vocalize it to them again. They are being very unsupportive to both you and your sister. What are they thinking.
OP's sister is a married mother with children. There's really no indication she doesn't have purpose or meaning. Not that her being a mother should fully fulfill her if she doesn't feel that way, but it's not like she's spending every day alone on her parents' couch or something.
Yeah I agree with that. I feel like the whole post is indicative of this bigger problem of them (at least OP and their parents) not treating the sister like the adult she is.
You don't owe your sister an apology.Â
An apology for what? For being frustrated that you're not allowed to love your life or share good news because something tragic happened to her? She's complicit in how your mom and the rest of your family are treating you.Â
What happened to her is life altering, obvious. But it is in no way shape or form your fault. You don't stop existing just because her existence is harder. It sounds to me like she's failing to adjust and cope. The constant coddling from your family is not helping her. It's keeping her in a constant state of self pity and in seeking constant reassurance that she's not alone. It's. Not. Healthy.Â
I'm glad you called your mom out. Thus is a conversation you need to have with every single one of them. You need to express how you're feeling, how they're making you feel invisible and unimportant because they're allowed to share their good news.. but you're not? Ask them why. Why are they allowed to be happy and supported, but you having the same expectation is beyond unreasonable.Â
What they're doing is a dammed good job of alienating you. What happens if you get pregnant? Are you not allowed to share or celebrate that? What about all of your other milestones? When you get married will your wedding have to revolve around your sister?Â
She should have defended you the first time your family pulled this shit. But it sounds to me like she's jealous of your happiness. Jealousy in the beginning would be normal, because that's a huge adjustment.. but continued jealousy to the point she's happy to see you stifled? No.Â
You don't owe her an apology. She owes you one.Â
Start speaking up for yourself more. Your family needs to hear it and if they won't stop mistreating you it's time to take a big step back
It's understandable to feel hurt in this situation. You've shown immense support for your sister, but it's also crucial for your family to recognize your need to share positive moments in your life. Perhaps suggesting designated times or ways to share news, ensuring it's done sensitively, could help balance everyone's emotions. It's a delicate situation, but open communication about your feelings is key to finding a solution that respects everyone's experiences.
NTA. Research has shown that one year after a disabiliy most people are as happy as they were before the disability. The same is true with lottery winners. Youâre happy as you were a year after you win the lottery as before. We tend to have a set level of happiness. It is bullshit that you canât talk about the good things that happen in your life.
Talk with your sister one on one. Talk about you. Talk about her now being the golden child.
Buddy won 27 million in the lottery in the 2010s and it tore his family apart. Made him totally paranoid of all his friends and family and within a couple years it was all gone and now he lives in his big house with no friends and works retail. Youâd be surprised how fast a big sum of money showing up fucks with everyone else around you!
I read an article once about a guy who won a lottery and in short order everyone hated him.
Heâd do things like go to the local pub and buy a round for everyone âexcept him, and him and him, and herâ.
NTA
It's going to sound harsh, but it's time you stop including your parents in your life. When they are ready to be part of your life and celebrate your accomplishments, they will reach out themselves. Until then, it's best you go low contact. They are treating you unfairly, which is also unfair to your sister because over time this will build resentment towards her, and she didn't ask for any of it.
When the time comes, plan your wedding and don't share the details with them. Same with when you're pregnant. Eventually they will realize that you were excited to share things with them because they are important, not because they are family. They showed you that you aren't important, and so neither are they now.
Anyways, congrats on the engagement and new car.
NTA Hiding and not sharing happiness is basically the worst thing for your sister. Like yea she is going to feel sad after the fact but when people get good news they are generally happy. And by only allowing you sister to wallow in self pity is doing her no good. Like I am not saying be a jerk about things. But you should be able to share the big things. That is just being a basic family. Like I get you want to support your sister but where is your support. Your sister should want to share in happiness even if it takes her mind off her own issues for a little bit. And if not, well is that someone you want to be supporting.
You don't owe your sister an apology.
An explanation maybe.
You don't owe the family an apology either.
They have been miserable to you and it's not your fault or responsibility.
Your parents need therapy.
And your sister too.
Meanwhile keep to yourself. Gray rock them.
Build yourself a chosen family until they have done enough therapy to be back in your life.
NTA
Nta, but I would invite your family to an open conversation without your sister present and express how you are feeling, and also inform them of 2 things:
1) if they continue making you feel like you cannot share anything that happens in your life to avoid upsetting your sister, then you will have to stop sharing your life with your family, and possibly cut contact as well, and that will include inviting family to your wedding and eventually to see your future kids.
2) if at any moment during your wedding planning, preparation, ceremony or reception your family tries to change the focus to your sister or censure you in any way, shape or form for how you celebrating YOUR day might cause any discomfort to your sister or that you need to dedicate any part of the ceremony or reception to her and her struggle, you will immediately cut off said person and anyone that side with them.
Them explain to them this, that you love your sister and is just as worried and invested in her wellbeing as all of them, but they are starting to make you feel like you also need to lose the movement of your legs to feel like you have any right to be acknowledged in the family, and that you not only refuse to outcasted in your family for not being the unfortunate one, you also refuse to let your kids ever feel the same and are ready to cut toes to them all if thatâs what it takes to protect them.
NTA - Three years is well past the "no one is ever allowed to have good in their life" moratorium here like wtf.
But we can't even put this on your sister. She may be SICK to DEATH of being babied and having everyone treat her with kid gloves.
I think you need to have a one on one conversation with her.
Your sister owes you an apology for allowing your mother to behave this way. You owe them nothing. Iâm so sorry youâre going through this. Sit down and have a one on one conversation with your sister and explain to her how youâre feeling.Â
I'm just seeing another update a year from now when your family is melting down that they're not invited to your wedding, because they kept turning down invites so as not to upset your sister.
NTA, I think you have had the best advice already about speaking to your sister first. If no one in the family shared any good news, it might be a bit different, but ultimately still NTA. Taking any positivity away from your sister doesn't help. My MIL ended up in a wheelchair a few years ago, and remaining positive around her was key. She has found many new hobbies now and become as active as she can be. In a way, you could argue her she happier now than she was before. It's encouraged her to try new things and find a new way to be happy
It sounds to me as if the family is surrounding the Sister with meh, to bad news. Maybe they don't mean to, but, what does she have to feel good even joyful about?
Nothing, because no one ever tells her good news!
NTA
Your sister needs to be in grief therapy to come to terms with her situation. I'd also suggest that same to your family.
Your sister was in a horrific accident, and while.i can see within the short term you try to not over celebrate mundane things it's been 3yrs. On top of that, 2 of the 3 were quite important (job and marriage, sorry car is low man on totem pole).
Life moves on with or without people, your family seems.ro be lagging behind
NTA honestly I would go NC and tell them to get in touch when youâre allowed to share good news again. They are just going to continue to enable her to stay depressed and not seek therapy and tear all of your happiness down with their depressing mood.Â
Someone also mentioned to get in touch with your sister to see her side which I encourage to do first but if theyâre all in the same mindset bucket, who needs enemies when you have them to bring you down?Â
NTA your sister is a paraplegic. This may sound cruel, but so what. Lots of people lose the use of their legs. Your sister is living on self-pity and pity from her family. She, of course, is jealous of you because you still have the use of your legs. It's been 3 years she should be more together by now. Do not apologize to your sister or your family. You need to go low contact with your family because they are definitely going to affect your mental health. I would recommend finding a therapist for you.
Horrible shit happens every day. Wonderful things happen every day. Life is peaks and valleys and the human experience is navigating those highs and lows.
A few weeks to a few months after the accident? Sure - it may be lacking tact and awareness to act ostentatiously about the peaks to someone still navigating their way out of a valley. But no - the expectation is NOT that you are required for all the days of your life thereafter to make your life smaller and your happy times and accomplishments less significant because bad things happened to other people. Your parents are wrong. They may have good intentions, but in the end what they are doing is far more damaging to both you and your sister. They may think they are protecting your sister, but in reality they are taking away the normalcy of life to make her a perpetual victim and diminishing you in the process.
Have a conversation with your sister - alone. Not an apology, just an open conversation to find out how she actually feels when your mother isn't treating her like a ventriloquist's doll and speaking for her.
Awful, traumatic things happen to us all and we are still surrounded by life moving on. This includes good things happening to the people around us. Each and every one of us will have times of joy and sorrow and a mix of each.
Your mother is asking you not to live a full life and are enabling your sister to feel she can never do the same.
If I am reading this correctly your sister has a husband and your wider family are allowed to again feel joy or pride? It is only you who must dull your shine? Who must live in the shadows?
None of this is doing your sister any good or helping your wider family. Theyâre wallowing in the trauma and freezing you all in that pain. This needs to stop.
If your sister is privately sharing that she cannot stand seeing you happy, then she needs to be in therapy. Thatâs to cope with her jealousy and learn how to manage her circumstances without making you and your mother responsible for shielding her from your joy or accomplishments. If she wants to seal herself up from the world outside thatâs something she needs to cope with and not expect you to seal yourself up right next to her. If your family doesnât understand how this is doing her and you a disservice then you need to start maintaining a distance from them all. You will have joy and pain in your life, if they canât cope with one they donât get the other.
Donât apologize. It sounds like you asked a reasonable question they donât have an answer to. Leave them to ponder it and come to you with a good answer.
Is your mom hoping your sister wonât notice sheâs disabled? Maybe if no one has anything good happen your sister wonât realize sheâs been dealt a big life changing thing? Your mom isnât really an AH as much as sheâs just a person whoâs not coping well and sheâs unintentionally taking it out on you. NTA.
If you havenât already done so, call your local disability support center or community health organization. You might find a group therapy that can help you sort out some of the emotional load.
Nta. I would have a talk with your sis as she likely doesn't know how your parents are dimming your shine. But I would also suggest going low contact with them for a while. If they complain tell them you will talk to them when good things no longer happen to you.
In my opinion: NTA.
Sit down and have a conversation with your sister one-on-one, and then do the same for your parents and let them know how you feel about this.
I'm sure they will understand once you've aired your concerns.
If your parents don't understand but your sister does, then see if your sister could have a talk with them about it and how it's making you both feel.
In my opinion, there is nothing more powerful than a sibling duo and if you're both on the same page, maybe it will get through to your parents on how they have been treating you!
Good luck!
NTA, but your parents are, especially your mother. They are putting down both their daughters by doing what they are doing. Reminding your sister how sad or miserable her life is now and telling you that you aren't allowed to be happy because your sister is so sad.
>Her husband and even my parents share things about their lives freely and no one seems to mind. But as the younger sister Iâm not allowed to share anything good in front of her so I donât hurt her feelings
So it's not about happy news in general, it's that you're being set up as a point of comparison for her, always. And you can never be allowed to exceed her?
That's pretty toxic. This isn't a completely uncommon phenomenon, just so you know. I mean it's not limited to edge cases such as when one sibling is disabled. Just because it happens in other families, though, doesn't make it healthy or right. It's very damaging, as you know. And it's not an honest or respectful treatment of any child in the family.
Hopefully you can talk to your sister as others have suggested and that will be a good starting point for making things right. If your mom (in particular perhaps?) is completely wedded to her ideas about her oldest daughter after that, I'd suggest therapy just to check in with someone and see if she's created deeper issues than you know, be it about success or anything else. To this layperson, only seeing a bit of the picture, I see some similarity to the "golden child" phenomenon, which can be pretty damaging.
NTA. I wish you all the best, and your sister, too, although your best and her best aren't going to be the same.
NTA. Iâm so sorry. I was in a horrible accident 2 years ago. I was able to make a miraculous recovery but future mobility was a big question for a long time and it was scary. But hereâs the deal: what made me HAPPIEST and made me feel most normal was hearing about what was going on in the lives of the ones I love. I wanted to hear all of it, but especially the good news! Your poor sister deserves to celebrate along with you when good things happen. Sheâs still your sister and Iâm sure she wants you to thrive! Your parents are getting this all wrong. We donât derive happiness solely from ourselves, but also â sometimes largely â from the joy and success of others. Talk to your sister. I canât imagine she wants you to mute your joy around her. Maybe show your parents these comments. Your mom especially is making a crappy situation much worse than it has to be.
It sounds like you should talk to your sister privately. It's entirely possible that none of this is coming from her, at which point you should ask her to support you in talking to your parents about it.
Also, if they aren't willing to change their position on this issue, then I'd suggest making it clear to them that they won't be invited to your wedding celebration. Do not let people that act like this spoil that.
NTA. If my parents used me as an excuse to never let anyone be happy near me, I'd look sad, too. Talk to your sister and see if she really is struggling this much with feeling sorry for herself, or if she's struggling with your parents constantly acting like her accident just happened. It might feel like they're constantly picking at a healing wound to her.
NTA. You said what needed to be said. Theyâre so focused on your sister that they dont see or care about the hurt and pain itâs causing you. Talk to your sister. If your parents interfere ask to spend time with her alone. Yâall need to figure this out because it is not healthy for anyone.
Did your sister receive counseling at all?
As someone who works in healthcare the worst is the constant pity some patients receive. Sheâs a hemiplegic, shes not actively dying or mentally not there. Sure life is a bit hard now but if every person in her life compares you two subconsciously how is she supposed to have her own victories and continue to live in your family? This is the new normal, itâs been 3 years. Thereâs no need to be on a constant pity party. The patient I will always remember is the functional quadriplegic (arms semi worked, legs flaccid) that BACKPACKED ACROSS EUROPE WITH HIS WHEELCHAIR BY HIMSELF. He would do his all to be as independent as possible and be his new ânormalâ and he hated being looked down upon just because this is his life now. Maybe your sister is feeling the same. How can anyone move on if theyâre hanging on to the past and pitying instead of looking forward to a new day, new challenges, new chances to be with loved ones, new memories to be made.
NTA your sister's going through a lot but she should still be stoked when good things happen for people she cares about and she probably would be if your parents would stop making her struggles the center of every conversation. No doubt they're doing it out of love but they're kind of holding your entire family back including your sister, seeing everyone moving forward might encourage your sister to shift her focus from what she's lost to what she want.
NTA. Can I just ask you honestly why you believe you should apologize? Are you actually sorry about what you did? Or is it just because you "should"?
If you're actually, truly sorry - sure, an apology makes sense. But your hurt is real and valid, so I personally think you should take the time to understand why you want to apologize before you do it.
You're allowed to be you and have feelings, just as much as your sister is.
And honestly, it's time to build your sister up and enjoy life with her instead of limiting her to bring a victim.
NTA and do not apologize! You do not owe anyone an apology! They owe you one. Iâd ask them why they donât care about you and why is it always about her. Remind them you exist and you have feelings too.
I would go LC with the family for now. Get therapy. Have a sit down conversation with your family and tell them if they canât also celebrate your successes then they wonât be around for them NTA
NTA, absolutely nobody is being helped by this. What they are doing is not good for you and it is not good for your sister. You don't fix depression by letting the depressed person wallow in it and never showing any positivity around them for fear it will just make them get down on themselves even harder. Get that woman some therapy, find her a support group if any are in your area, get her out of the house doing things and reminding her that there is still good in her life. And if you have done those things and its not helping? Consider the possibility that her depression might be chemical in nature and just happened to coincide with a traumatic event that would leave most anyone feeling down.
OP, you may want to write a letter or email to your parents, telling them how you feel. It would give you time to work on the phrasing, give them time to read & reread it.
Give specific examples of how theyâve reacted to your news. Bring up that they & your BIL share things going on in their lives with your sister, itâs only you who is silenced. Try to not sound angry or accusatory. I would question why theyâre acting as if you & your sister are in some weird competition. Youâre not children, youâre two adult women. Itâs natural you would be confused & hurt by this behavior.
Assuming they celebrated your sister & BILâs engagement & wedding, ask if youâre now expected to downplay all your milestones, would they even attend your wedding. Because theyâre sending a clear message they donât want to hear about it. Your sister had a life changing event at 29. Hopefully sheâll have many happier times ahead. But as theyâre acting right now, your life stopped at 23. You no longer can talk about anything good, youâve become invisible to them, or worse, them setting you up as a source of pain for your sister. You canât bear them resenting you for existing or living your life. Or walking. You didnât cause your sisterâs situation, you would give anything to change it, what theyâre doing isnât healthy for either you or your sister. Theyâre basically encouraging or justifying her being resentful of you. Youâre afraid theyâre going to make her even more unhappy, bitter, & angry at you for living your life.
This isnât healthy, & Iâd suggest family therapy.
No, the Hell you don't owe your sister an apology!!! I understand that she's going through a lot. But you're a part of that family, too. Your joy should be their joy. How selfish of them to treat you like your happiness no longer matters because your sister isn't happy right now!!! ALL of them need serious therapy. You, too, so that their behavior doesn't have the power to change how you see yourself and your worth. You are amazing. Congratulations on your promotion! Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Congratulations on your new car!!!!!! NTA.
If everyone else is allowed to say the good things in their life, just not you specifically, thatâs a huge red flag. I wouldnât even apologize to your sister either, honestly. When you finally snapped about being shut down over and over she didnât apologize to you for how shitty everyone has made you feel in her name, after all, even when explicitly told. And Iâm willing to bet that since itâs just you, you were targeted. Likely by your sister.
You shouldnât apologize. They should. NTA.
Itâs perfectly possible that your sister hates this as much as you do. Your parents may be holding her back in their own way. Iâve seen this happen a lot to disabled people - their family members freak out and donât allow them independence or allow them space to be their own person or to move beyond being just a disabled person.
I donât know how she feels but talk to her. You might find out sheâs as frustrated as you are. I wouldnât be surprised if she was.
NTA but your family is minus your sister. You too should talk take her out have a day and have heart to heart with her. Ask her does it really bother her when you have good news? Maybe something else is going on she just might be depressed and feels helpless. Sometimes you can really want to be happy for someone but there depression makes it extremely hard.
Also your parents are making things worse for her by babying her. Yes what happened is really bad but not letting you share anything good for what 1 more year 2, 5,10, never won't fix anything.
NTA, your mother needs to fuck right on off and take her trash ass attitude with her. Like I get it your sister has had a rough go of it and maybe she misses the fact some of the things you have that are good news she wonât have for herself but that is no reason for you to be the only one not to be able to share good news about your life and have at least some acknowledgment from the people who should be happy for you because it means they raised a person who is taking charge of their own life. So either start telling her to fuck off or the next time she says so much as âI baked a sheet of cookies todayâ shut her down the same way till she gets the picture.
What happened to your sister is tragic, but she needs therapy to deal with her issues.
Congrats on the promotion, engagement and new car!
I would suggest eloping so they can't steal anymore of your joy.
>"This isnât the time. think about your sister"
It's been 3 years. When WILL be the time? Never, I suspect.
Like someone else said, I think this is much more your parents thing and that your sister is more sad because they keep bringing up how pitiful a state she's in.
You are not the asshole. You're family is being unfair to you. You do NOT deserve this treatment. Considering therapy for yourself. They will likely never change, so you may need to come to terms that your rightful expectations of them will never be met. I personally would lower contact but that's just me. Good luck with your situation.
NTA
Particularly since other people can have good things happen, just not you.
Don't apologize to your sister, but do speak with her. See how she reacts and go from there.
You donât owe your sister nor he family an apology, but you do owe them a âsit downâ as we call it in my family. And this shouldâve happened a long time ago. Tell them exactly what you wrote here.
Congrats on the proposal!
You owe them NO APOLOGY AT ALL.
If your parents want to coddle your sister's feelings, fine. Then don't invite any of them to the wedding, since it would upset her too much. Have a wonderful day without making yourself small just to make them feel big.
NTA, but like someone else suggested, have a talk with your sister, just you and her and see what her take is on your families behaviour toward you. Your mother and other family members are likely making things worse for your sister by shutting out any good news that may actually make her feel happy. Please update us.
You don't owe her an apology. You parents owe YOU an apology. Probably one to your sister as well.
And you should have an honest conversation with your sister.
NTA You don't owe your sister an apology. And you need to get this straight with your family: Do they care about you enough to be happy for you, or do they believe everything should revolve around your sisters accident.
With that point also keep in mind, that the wedding day is often called "the happiest day of your life". If they don't want you to be happy, you should take your time and ask yourself if you want any of them at your wedding.
NTA.
You are all adults. Call everyone together and discuss this. That there's a difference between sharing giid news and gloating. And that your sisters condition is not your responsibility.
The nasty cherry on top of all of this is that it sounds like your sister has already achieved these milestones herself. You're not even doing things that she was never able to do.
Learning to accept your lot in life when it cannot be changed is a terribly important thing to do. We must learn to be joyful where we are and not let the limitations in life hamper the joy in front of us. It sounds like your parents are more culpable in this than your sister, possibly, so I'm glad you're going to talk to her. Don't be ashamed for living your life and don't apologize for it.
One on one conversation with your sister is needed. She may actually really want to hear all the good things Just because someone is disabled that does not mean they cannot be happy for others. In fact, many find joy in the good things. Talk to her and see how she feels about it all. Iâd be willing to bet she does not want things hidden from her and wants to still feel included in the family conversations. She has already had enough taken from her.
Look, your sister is a whole-ass person, not a sad teddy bear on the side of the road. She still experiences the full range of human emotion, and hopefully also connection. If she genuinely canât cope with hearing good news that isnât about her, then she quite desperately needs therapy to learn those coping skills. If itâs your parents who canât handle it, same advice.
Continue to share your good news and when you get called out, remind them that you, at least, see your sister still as a *person* not a sad lump of soggy newspaper, and you are giving her the respect of treating her as such when you connect in normal human ways with her.
Ummm, you don't owe ANYONE an apology! Trust me, walking on eggshells is no way to go through life! Thos family is leeching the joy out of you, and it does influence your personality. If you have to build another family through friends and/or extended family, then do so for your own mental health! Best wishes
NTA! Therapy for everyone!! There are some serious communication issues that arenât going to resolve themselves, and it sounds like this is a lifelong condition. People are suggesting NC already, and that is certainly an option, but give Mom a chance to learn how to process this in a healthy way.
Try not telling them anything about your life. For an extended period. Tell other people, of course. Tell your extended family, even. See if that feels better than being continually shot down.Â
Make a decision on your way forward from there.Â
NTA and you donât owe anyone an apology, wtf? Your sister isnât a child and she wasnât a child when the accident happened. Sheâs a grown ass adult and she canât expect her little sister to be muted and depressed all the time because something awful happened to her. Itâs not like you caused the accident or made her paralysed.
The way your family is treating you is disgusting. Stop contacting them, respond bluntly and with as little info as possible when they contact you, and donât include them in any further life events. They donât go to the wedding or birthdays or christmases etc. They donât deserve to be part of your life.
I meanÂ
Why do you keep insisting on telling your family when sister is there? Find another time. Should you have to, no. But obviously thatâs a first step.Â
Whenever I try to discuss things with my sister my parents tell me to not. They say it might complicate things and I might end up hurting her feelings even more.
Is there ever a time where you are âallowedâ to speak with your sister one on one.Â
Your parents *might* be right, but they could be wrong.
You donât know until you ask your sister something along the lines of âdo you feel sad/jealous when good things happen to me?âÂ
Iâm sorry about this. Itâs seems like your parents are a wedge in you and your sisters relationship.Â
This and I wonder if the parents are why the older sister is having marital problems. The parents sound incredibly overbearing and if I was the husband, Iâd be struggling too with the in-laws practically living at the older sisters house.
"Complicate things" Complicate what exactly? It sounds like she is a competent, grown adult so I'm sure she can understand what you're talking about.
You also mentioned she has a husband so, surely you can go to her house, when your parents aren't there to talk to her. Or does she live with her husband and your parents? Or talk to her husband?
Are her feelings the only ones that matter? Why canât you share exciting life events with YOUR family? Should you have a shitty life and be failing for them to be ok talking about your life so your sister feels better about herself?
Thatâs not for them to decide!!! They need to stop infantilizing your sister; sheâs paralyzed, not on suicide watch. Thereâs no need for them to be policing the topics sheâs allowed to discuss. She doesnât need them to protect her feelings.
I have a deep seated feeling that if you did ask her about it she feels the same way. I mean she got into that wreck and suddenly her parents treat her like an absolute invalid to the point where theyâre tone-policing her entire life. Are they ever gonna let her grow and adapt and challenge herself to try and gain back some sort of normalcy and independence? Because thatâs what she needs, and if she was allowed to be honest, thatâs what she deserves.
If theyâre truly that worried about her emotional/mental health theyâd be bringing her to therapy to unpack the horrific trauma she went through. Not putting her in a literal speech bubble and forcing her to stay sad.
Complicate what? That just doesn't make sense. Talk to your sister privately first, find out how she feels. And then, go from there. Definitely spend less time over there, I think it is hurting your self esteem.
They wonât let you share news because they are ignorant and not treating your sister like an adult. You are doing the same thing by not talking to your sister about how your mother is behaving. She is paralyzed, not brain damaged (I assume).
Your title alone focuses on the fact you see the disability as the issue, not your familyâs twisted inability to accept it.
>You are doing the same thing by not talking to your sister about how your mother is behaving. She is paralyzed, not brain damaged (I assume).
Whenever I try to talk to my sister my parents tell me to not. They say things might get more complicate and I might end up hurting her feelings even more.
>Your title alone focuses on the fact you see the disability as the issue, not your familyâs twisted inability to accept it.
Because this is what they tell me. What did you want my title to focus on.
Whatâs the long term plan here? Your parents want you to pretend youâre living your life in stasis so it wonât âhurt your sisterâs feelingsâ (which makes no sense, btw), so how is that supposed to work out?
Is your mom not going to go wedding dress shopping with you? Is your dad not going to walk you down the aisle? Are they going to hide your pregnancies and pretend your kids donât exist? Is there a line before you finally say, âenoughâs enough, Iâm outâ?
You said in your post that you âget it, you really do.â These people have brainwashed you into thinking this is normal when itâs not. Itâs not normal that everyone in your family can share good news except you. Itâs not normal (or fair) that theyâre allowed to have happiness in their lives but you arenât.
Why does your joy (and only your joy) cause your sister sadness? Is that even the case? Or just something your parents made up?
NTA, but going LC/NC with your parents may be the best thing for your mental health. Why continue to set yourself up to be hurt?
This is completely true. Itâs not normal for your parents to behave like this. Find a way to be alone with your sister to talk to her. It sounds like your parents may have sucked all her self confidence and positivity out of her so she feels dependent on them, and sheâs letting them wrap her in cotton wool and think for her. Disabled people contribute positively to society. They win gold medals at the Paralympics and function well in workplaces. Stephen Hawkins didnât do too badly for himself did he?
NTA, but your parents are.
Can you take her out for coffee or lunch just the two of you? Maybe not necessarily to have a âtalkâ but just to connect as sisters?
I wonder if she is overwhelmed by your parents always hovering over her.
I have a bad feeling that the parents aren't allowing their adult daughter such freedoms now that she's paralyzed from the waist down.
If I'm right, then op's sister is experiencing abuse by the parents and I do not envy op for this mess she's facing.Â
If I'm right about abuse and rhe parents are stopping the husband from being alone with his wife as well- then he may be at a loss for what to do. Especially if this is America and he's had to start working more to cover his wife's medical expenses.
Emotional abuse can be really insidious and even living there, the husband may not know what to do. He may be a victim himself, and now living on eggshells terrified that he'll be accused of hurting his wife if he ever acts assertively. Yes, this is entirely speculative- maybe he's just a neglectful jerk- but the truth is that rhe husband could be a good husband and still helpless against his wife's parents' abuse.Â
>Â My mom immediately changed the subject later telling me that my sister was feeling down about her own marriage struggles
Whatever kind of man he is, it looks like the marriage is in trouble.Â
Nta i am the younger sister of a sister that started using a wheelchair at 15 by 20 she was paralyzed from the waist down. I was 9. The thing I learnt is that my sister was still a horrible person in the chair just like before. I wonder how I might have reacted if it was my nice sister that developed the problem but it wasn't. I also worked with disabled kids from 12ish so she isn't my only experience with disability. I am not suggesting your sister is anything like mine but what I learnt because of my sister is âso what?â
Your parents are wrecking your sister's chances of living her life as a person.
You got a new car, how does that upset your sister? What she can't afford one now? Nor could you a year ago.
You're getting married, how does that impact her marriage?
It is rough to lose your independence and the ability to walk but so what? I knew a man who four months after an accident that put him in a chair was director of the disability charity that organizes the largest disability awareness event in Europe.
Your sister has to live in the real world and frankly unless there is more issues than the paralysis after 2 years she should be taking her life back. She can raise her kids the horrible sister raised 3, with a degenerative bone condition that is very painful. The reasons I dont like my sister have nothing to with her disability she coped well with that. My point is that no matter what my sister's condition she is still a person who is responsible for her actions and when deciding to go no contact her disability didn't come into it.
I am exhausted so I am not sure I am making my point, you dont need to suffer just because your sister can't walk. she still has to live in this world, it is the only one we have.
First of all, you are NTA.
Secondly, I think you owe it to yourself, and a lesser extent, to your sister to talk it out with her. You need to have the difficult conversation and get it out in the open so you can both move forward. She had a devastating, life-changing accident, but it did not stop the world and being coddled is not going to help her move forward. And you need to be able to share your life with your family.
Congratulations on your promotion, your engagement, and your shiny, brand new car! And all the other wonderful things that you have had to keep inside for the last three years!
I have a severely disabled son and two younger children. You cannot continue to compromise and reduce your life for your sisterâs disability. Itâs not a sustainable long term solution. Are you never expected to be successful, married or experience pregnancy and parenthood because your sister is now disabled?
I would never dream of forcing my younger children to reduce their worth in order to appease their older brother, simply because heâs disabled. My younger children giving up on their lives will never improve their older brotherâs disability, nor will my younger children going on to live happy and fulfilled lives ever worsen their brotherâs disability.
I know you love your sister but if your sister cares about you at all, she would not want you to give up living your life because of her disability. If she does feel that way, she needs therapy and counselling. Are her children expected to give up living fulfilling lives, so as not to upset their mother? If the answer is no, then tell your parents (and if required, your sister) they canât expect or demand you to give up living your life either.
I strongly feel you need to distance yourself from your parents and maybe your sister for the immediate future. You matter too and deserve to live and experience milestones in life without being made to feel like a monster for it.
Was your sister always your parents favourite child because it sounds like your parents are bitter you might now âoutshineâ your older sister.
Does your sister see a therapist? This is the kind of thing where you could ask to join her therapy session sometime so the therapist can help you talk to each other.
As the child who was sick and my parent did the same to my younger sister, I have to admit it made me feel better then that they restricted her joy on some things so it wouldnât hurt my feelings. Because all I was feeling was sadness. But looking back (this was over 10 yrs ago) it was absolutely horribly wrong of them and I feel so bad she had to go through that. Iâd rather theyâd helped me build my emotional tolerance/strength than limit her happiness. Note: they didnât do it all the time, but even some of the time is too much.
Youâre 26, not 16, you donât have to do what your parents say. In fact, I would tell them to stop telling you what to do because youâre allowed to talk to your sister. Iâd even ask to meet with her 1x1 to talk about things or have a phone call with her when your parents arenât there.
You probably could even text her husband and ask him to tell you when your parents leave.
Overall, you do not need to listen to them and that might be the way to get to the root of the issue and talk to her
All of your free time is spent helping your sister? ALL?? Sorry, but no. Thatâs insane. Your familyâs dynamic is highly inappropriate and it sounds like itâs time to disturb the status quo or stop being involved.
No family is better than how your family is acting.
That person is an ass. NTA you deserve good things in your life and to be able to share them. She may feel sad having your parents around her all the time, honestly. I know I would. People paralyzed from the waist down can do all sorts of things still. I'm assuming she still has the use of her arms and hands. It sounds as if your mom is making your sisters limitations her whole identity instead of focusing on the things she can still do and other things that she can't do she can learn to do differently. And you should also be able to talk to your sister alone. Go out together still. I had a friend who was paralyzed from the waist down. He still went out with us to places. Out to restaurants. Bowling. Shopping. Has she been to therapy? Or is your mom blocking that too.
NTA
Youâre an adult and your sister is an adult. Why are you letting them decide what you should and shouldnât do. You say your mom pulls you aside, but you donât have to listen to her. You donât have to leave the room with her.
Youâre not toddlers, just sit and talk to her like adults. You canât let them ruin your relationship with your sister. Have you talked to her on the phone or texted her? Have you talked with your brother in law about he feels about your parents behavior?
Does she not have a phone?
I have to be frank if you're not able to have a private conversatikn with your sister- I'm worried about her.
It's been 3 years. Listen that sucks but a person can learn how to use a wheelchair and start being self sufficient in three years.
Assuming there wasn't brain damage (you only mentioned paralyzed from the waist down)- your parents should not be speaking for your sister and coddling her like this.Â
And even if there was brain damage- the brain damage have better have left your sister nonverbal and unable to use a communication aid, because if she can communicate, she is an adult who has a right to private conversations.Â
If they act at all like this towards her husband- I'm not surprised they're having marriage troubles. I would have long since hit my breaking point and said "You get your parents off my case, out of thos house, and start doing therapy or we're done."Â
Best case scenario- your sister is deeply depressed and her mental health is stopping her from making progress and your parents are enabling her and stopping her from getting better.Â
Worst case scenario- your parents are experiencing some kind of munchausen's by proxy and emotionally abusing your sister to keep her helpless.
You should talk to your sister one on one. It may not be your good news that made her sad. She may have some feelings about the fact that your parents take every possible opportunity to harp on how terrible her life is
I never thought about it this way before. I will talk to my sister, thank you đđ»
This is definitely the first step, OP. Your sister might be okay with what your mom is doing, but having to listen to someone shush out any good news because of how horrible your mom thinks her situation is could be really depressing for her. I know itâs difficult, but lots of people live happy lives with worse conditions.
Right. I'd be happy to hear the people I love are doing well in her situation. The mom specifically seems to be causing the problem.
Agreed. And if the family can't come around after that, it's time to consider distancing yourself. You deserve to be able to celebrate happy times and good things that happen to you, and to have people who can be happy for you when those things happen. What happened to your sister was tragic, but she and your parents do not get to use her tragedy to make everyone around them miserable.
I agree 100% that lots of people who have harder conditions live better lives. I work in a grocery store and we employ special needs people. One of has Down syndrome and is in wheelchair because he has a rare medical condition in his muscles. Charlieâs job is to take the bags out with customers and talk with them as he does it. Heâs great at his job and customers love him. In my mind Charlie has had a much harder life than your sister.
Ditto! Your parents are pitying her, while it might bum her out on some level, I would think she'd be more sad thinking you weren't living up to your potential or was otherwise ungrateful for your accomplishments. I would think she'd love for you to rush in and give her your happy news first. Or to ask her for big sister advise on how to accomplish your goals, etc. I highly doubt she wants to be treated differently.
Not trying to be rude here but⊠I donât believe in the Hardship Olympics. No need to compete over who has it worse, itâs enough to say âthings are also rough for so-and-so and [this is how they deal with it / this is what happened, etc.].â Youâll still get the message across without minimizing either partyâs problems.
I'm so glad that you will talk to her directly (when your mom is not around to shush you or steer the conversation differently). But I still hope to impress upon you that there is NO scenario where you are wrong (1) for wanting to share your joys with your family, nor for (2) asking out loud if the family is ever going to let you share your good news. Your mom is flat out wrong. And if your sister thinks you having something to be happy about in your life is reason for her to be sad, then she is wrong, too. It is fine to be sensitive to someone's sorrow and challenges when telling them your good news, but it's not fine for someone to think you having good news should never be acknowledged. After years of unsuccessfully trying to have a baby and then turning to adoption, my husband and I finally got the news that we were approved for an adoption. We got it the day before we were to attend the funeral of our friend's mom. At the funeral, when we talked to him to convey our condolences, he mentioned the adoption. I told him I was so excited for our news but so heart-broken for his loss, and he hugged me and said he felt the same. If your mom is mistakenly trying to protect your sister (and your sister does not need it), then your sister can speak up and correct your mom's faulty thinking. If your sister actually doesn't want to hear your good news, then you have done nothing wrong. But you can choose to share your life and your joys with people who don't see your happiness as something negative. And it will be their loss. NTA.
Good. Your mother is gatekeeping you from your sister. This may be for the best of reasons but it's still not constructive.Â
My mother did a lot of gatekeeping between my siblings that frankly messed up our relationships and we were horrified when we figured it out.
Stupid people often try to do the right thing and fail at it spectacularly.
As someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation to your sister compared with my younger brother, I can say that it is possible to feel a bit hurt or sad seeing a younger sibling pass you in this way while at the same time being proud of and happy for them. That hurt or sadness is my own and just because he happened to trigger it does not mean it is his fault or his responsibility to manage for me. The conflicting feelings occasionally make difficult to be there for him and be as excited or supportive as he deserves the exact moment something is announced but I am always proud of his achievements and happy for him. I would never want my brother to feel like he cannot share things about his life on my account. Seeing him successful and happy far outweighs my own discomfort every time.
Definitely find out ehat she wants/needs. I would not just follow what your mother is saying. She may have her oen trauma but shouldn't be speaking for your sister.
And if your sister is part of it, Iâd start wondering why you arenât allowed to be part of the family or happy, and why she canât be happy for you.
Your parents seem to be gatekeeping your sisters emotions. This is not their place and it will be damaging for your sister in the long run. Killing with love or whatever the phrase is. I would bypass the parents and talk to the sister first. Or only tbh.
You're very welcome. I can't speak for your sister, but I can say that in my experience, watching others enjoy things you struggle with or can't do after suffering a trauma is tough at first, but the endless years of people treating you like you're not a person anymore is unbearable
How depressing it is for her to never be allowed to hear good news.
Update me
OP, I hope your conversation with your sister goes/went well. Please update us afterwards. We are rooting for you! UpdateMe!
That's exactly it. I'm a double amputee, and I've learned how to deal with the limits of my disability. I can't imagine trying to adjust to life as a disabled person if my mom kept reminding me over and over that I'm broken. One sister can't talk about good news because that would remind the other sister that she is broken. The one in the wheelchair will never learn to live as a disabled person if she's constantly reminded of what she can't do. Right now, it sounds like their mom hasn't processed her feelings about the accident, so she won't let her disappointment go. Mom is the one who has a problem of being reminded that one daughter can't do the things she used to do. Like the saying goes, let it go. Show her what she can do. Celebrate accomplishments that stretch her abilities, so she knows that someone is there to not just make her feel better but to help her be better.
Exactly. Imagine if every time your siblings mentioned anything positive, your parents announce loudly in front of you that you were too tragic and damaged to hear good news without having a breakdown
Yes, it sounds like the parents are fixated on all of the things the sister has lost *can't* do, rather than focussing on the future and supporting her to accomplish the things that she *can* do. Both sisters should feel able to achieve goals and have them celebrated. The whole family seems to be stuck four years in the past.
THIS! YES!
NTA. Is your sister in therapy? She needs to be. She needs help grieving for her old life and learning to enjoy her new life. Pretending everyoneâs life has frozen in time isnât going to help her in the long run.
Oh shit. That's a really good point. That never occurred to me.
I agree, so long as you keep things right with your sister, to he'll with the rest of your family dumping on you.
Amen, negativity breeds negativity. You don't cure depression by letting them wallow in it.
Much less by shoving their faces in it as OPs parents are doing. If becoming paralyzed didn't depress her sister, surely the constant refrain of their parents announcing that no one else can be happy because her life is so tragic and miserable will do the trick
NTA. Do your parents get that you will be getting married? Do they want to be invited? Please found a new support system because they aren't it and I'm sorry they are doing that to you.
Right? Are they going to ask her to tone down the wedding so her sister doesnât get sad? Or to not have one? This has got to stop. Â
Why apologize to your family? While what happened to your sister is difficult and heartbreaking, you don't deserve to be treated this way. By allowing them to make you feel like you don't deserve any joy in your life, you may start to believe it yourself and find it hard to feel happy about anything anymore.
Did your parents start treating you this way only after the accident or was it like this before as well? Either way I'm sorry for what happened to your sister but you're NTA.
You donât owe your sister an apology, you donât owe anyone any apology. Youâre allowed to have good things happen. I would speak to your sister directly to gauge if she agrees with what the rest of them are saying. After that I would limit all contact with all of them, and honestly I would consider not inviting at least your parents to your wedding because you know theyâre going to tell you not to even have a wedding or anything else. NTA but your family is.
You donât owe an apology. If itâs your sister thatâs asking for this behavior, she owes you one. If itâs your mom only, she owes it. Your sister is a fully realized person and the two of you deserve the same amount of respect, attention and affection. As someone who has a disability, I find it disgusting when people treat us like children. Weâre capable of managing our own emotions. The consequence is that by keeping your sister aware of whatâs going on in other peopleâs lives, everything becomes about your sister and her disability. She is more than that. Sheâs a full on person. This infantilizing harms all of you.
Thank you! In the comments OP says her sister is married with kids. She's a 32 year old adult with a life. Why is her family acting like she's still the kid?
Some people get really weird about disabilities. It's unfortunately not uncommon for adults to not be treated like adults even though they don't have any cognitive or developmental issues. Some members of my family won't tell me things because they "don't want to stress" me. It drives me nuts but I've realized they won't change so I've just let it go. Never mind that I ran a support group for people with chronic illness for over a decade!
NTA. I wonder if your parents are going to want you to have a low-key wedding because otherwise it might upset your sister, or because your mom thinks it would upset your sister. And if you start trying for kids? Is your mom going to act the same way? Or worse not want you to have kids because that means you will spend less time helping your sister. Your mom definitely has a problem and you need to talk to her about it.
NTA and I donât think you necessarily owe your sister an apology either. Though if you think it might help genuinely smooth things over and not just put you back into the position of hiding your perfectly normal, happy life milestones, then go ahead. Your reaction was a valid one and I hope itâs making your parents think. Itâs unfortunate that she had that accident and now has to adjust her life going forward. But your parents asking you to hide all the good things in your life only hinders her ability to heal and move on. In fact it probably keeps her stuck in the past because grieving those milestones you thought would happen is a part of the healing process. The reality is that she was dealt a blow but it doesnât mean she canât still go on to live a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life. You should be allowed to share good news at appropriate times without checking off a dozen boxes making sure your sister will be emotionally stable enough to hear it. And your parents should support it.
NTA, and for the record there are many disabled people who live good lives. She is not being encouraged to be whole, she is being treated like a bird with a broken wing. How does that help her? Watch the paralympians play hockeyâŠdo you think they are feeling sorry for themselves? She needs therapy, to find purpose and meaning. Your parents needed to be told off. And I would vocalize it to them again. They are being very unsupportive to both you and your sister. What are they thinking.
OP's sister is a married mother with children. There's really no indication she doesn't have purpose or meaning. Not that her being a mother should fully fulfill her if she doesn't feel that way, but it's not like she's spending every day alone on her parents' couch or something.
True, but I feel her parents are treating her that wayâŠbe mindful of your sister.
Yeah I agree with that. I feel like the whole post is indicative of this bigger problem of them (at least OP and their parents) not treating the sister like the adult she is.
You don't owe your sister an apology. An apology for what? For being frustrated that you're not allowed to love your life or share good news because something tragic happened to her? She's complicit in how your mom and the rest of your family are treating you. What happened to her is life altering, obvious. But it is in no way shape or form your fault. You don't stop existing just because her existence is harder. It sounds to me like she's failing to adjust and cope. The constant coddling from your family is not helping her. It's keeping her in a constant state of self pity and in seeking constant reassurance that she's not alone. It's. Not. Healthy. I'm glad you called your mom out. Thus is a conversation you need to have with every single one of them. You need to express how you're feeling, how they're making you feel invisible and unimportant because they're allowed to share their good news.. but you're not? Ask them why. Why are they allowed to be happy and supported, but you having the same expectation is beyond unreasonable. What they're doing is a dammed good job of alienating you. What happens if you get pregnant? Are you not allowed to share or celebrate that? What about all of your other milestones? When you get married will your wedding have to revolve around your sister? She should have defended you the first time your family pulled this shit. But it sounds to me like she's jealous of your happiness. Jealousy in the beginning would be normal, because that's a huge adjustment.. but continued jealousy to the point she's happy to see you stifled? No. You don't owe her an apology. She owes you one. Start speaking up for yourself more. Your family needs to hear it and if they won't stop mistreating you it's time to take a big step back
It's understandable to feel hurt in this situation. You've shown immense support for your sister, but it's also crucial for your family to recognize your need to share positive moments in your life. Perhaps suggesting designated times or ways to share news, ensuring it's done sensitively, could help balance everyone's emotions. It's a delicate situation, but open communication about your feelings is key to finding a solution that respects everyone's experiences.
NTA. Research has shown that one year after a disabiliy most people are as happy as they were before the disability. The same is true with lottery winners. Youâre happy as you were a year after you win the lottery as before. We tend to have a set level of happiness. It is bullshit that you canât talk about the good things that happen in your life. Talk with your sister one on one. Talk about you. Talk about her now being the golden child.
Hmm I doubt that. Someone give me millions of dollars and check back in a year so I can see for myself.
Buddy won 27 million in the lottery in the 2010s and it tore his family apart. Made him totally paranoid of all his friends and family and within a couple years it was all gone and now he lives in his big house with no friends and works retail. Youâd be surprised how fast a big sum of money showing up fucks with everyone else around you!
I read an article once about a guy who won a lottery and in short order everyone hated him. Heâd do things like go to the local pub and buy a round for everyone âexcept him, and him and him, and herâ.
Hhahaha ok now THAT one actually sounds kinda funny lol.
We need more than one person in this lottery happiness trial group. I volunteer.
Mmmh as much as I agree with the fact that OP is NTA where did you find that research? That doesnât seem realistic at all.
NTA It's going to sound harsh, but it's time you stop including your parents in your life. When they are ready to be part of your life and celebrate your accomplishments, they will reach out themselves. Until then, it's best you go low contact. They are treating you unfairly, which is also unfair to your sister because over time this will build resentment towards her, and she didn't ask for any of it. When the time comes, plan your wedding and don't share the details with them. Same with when you're pregnant. Eventually they will realize that you were excited to share things with them because they are important, not because they are family. They showed you that you aren't important, and so neither are they now. Anyways, congrats on the engagement and new car.
NTA Hiding and not sharing happiness is basically the worst thing for your sister. Like yea she is going to feel sad after the fact but when people get good news they are generally happy. And by only allowing you sister to wallow in self pity is doing her no good. Like I am not saying be a jerk about things. But you should be able to share the big things. That is just being a basic family. Like I get you want to support your sister but where is your support. Your sister should want to share in happiness even if it takes her mind off her own issues for a little bit. And if not, well is that someone you want to be supporting.
You don't owe your sister an apology. An explanation maybe. You don't owe the family an apology either. They have been miserable to you and it's not your fault or responsibility. Your parents need therapy. And your sister too. Meanwhile keep to yourself. Gray rock them. Build yourself a chosen family until they have done enough therapy to be back in your life. NTA
Nta, but I would invite your family to an open conversation without your sister present and express how you are feeling, and also inform them of 2 things: 1) if they continue making you feel like you cannot share anything that happens in your life to avoid upsetting your sister, then you will have to stop sharing your life with your family, and possibly cut contact as well, and that will include inviting family to your wedding and eventually to see your future kids. 2) if at any moment during your wedding planning, preparation, ceremony or reception your family tries to change the focus to your sister or censure you in any way, shape or form for how you celebrating YOUR day might cause any discomfort to your sister or that you need to dedicate any part of the ceremony or reception to her and her struggle, you will immediately cut off said person and anyone that side with them. Them explain to them this, that you love your sister and is just as worried and invested in her wellbeing as all of them, but they are starting to make you feel like you also need to lose the movement of your legs to feel like you have any right to be acknowledged in the family, and that you not only refuse to outcasted in your family for not being the unfortunate one, you also refuse to let your kids ever feel the same and are ready to cut toes to them all if thatâs what it takes to protect them.
NTA - Three years is well past the "no one is ever allowed to have good in their life" moratorium here like wtf. But we can't even put this on your sister. She may be SICK to DEATH of being babied and having everyone treat her with kid gloves. I think you need to have a one on one conversation with her.
You don't owe your sister an apology for living your life.Â
Your sister owes you an apology for allowing your mother to behave this way. You owe them nothing. Iâm so sorry youâre going through this. Sit down and have a one on one conversation with your sister and explain to her how youâre feeling.Â
I'm just seeing another update a year from now when your family is melting down that they're not invited to your wedding, because they kept turning down invites so as not to upset your sister.
>Now I know I owe my sister an apology for how I reacted. You fucking don't. NTA
Go NC after you're married. After all no one in your family wants to hear about your happy marriage, new house or dog adoption.
Family should be sharing moments of joy and happiness as well as sadness. There should be therapy for your family if they don't understand this.
NTA. You really don't owe any apology to anyone. What happened to your sister is tragic. But life keeps going, and you are allowed to be happy and celebrated for your successes. If your sister can't cope with that, she needs to be seeing a trauma informed therapist who can help her adjust to what happened to her and what her life is now. But your family basically refusing to celebrate you is not the way. I would consider going low contact with them for a while and focusing on celebrating your joys with your fiancé, his family, and your friends.
>I get it. I really do. I don't. What does her misfortune have to do with your successes? Nothing.
NTA, I think you have had the best advice already about speaking to your sister first. If no one in the family shared any good news, it might be a bit different, but ultimately still NTA. Taking any positivity away from your sister doesn't help. My MIL ended up in a wheelchair a few years ago, and remaining positive around her was key. She has found many new hobbies now and become as active as she can be. In a way, you could argue her she happier now than she was before. It's encouraged her to try new things and find a new way to be happy
It sounds to me as if the family is surrounding the Sister with meh, to bad news. Maybe they don't mean to, but, what does she have to feel good even joyful about? Nothing, because no one ever tells her good news!
NTA Your sister needs to be in grief therapy to come to terms with her situation. I'd also suggest that same to your family. Your sister was in a horrific accident, and while.i can see within the short term you try to not over celebrate mundane things it's been 3yrs. On top of that, 2 of the 3 were quite important (job and marriage, sorry car is low man on totem pole). Life moves on with or without people, your family seems.ro be lagging behind
NTA honestly I would go NC and tell them to get in touch when youâre allowed to share good news again. They are just going to continue to enable her to stay depressed and not seek therapy and tear all of your happiness down with their depressing mood. Someone also mentioned to get in touch with your sister to see her side which I encourage to do first but if theyâre all in the same mindset bucket, who needs enemies when you have them to bring you down?Â
NTA your sister is a paraplegic. This may sound cruel, but so what. Lots of people lose the use of their legs. Your sister is living on self-pity and pity from her family. She, of course, is jealous of you because you still have the use of your legs. It's been 3 years she should be more together by now. Do not apologize to your sister or your family. You need to go low contact with your family because they are definitely going to affect your mental health. I would recommend finding a therapist for you.
Horrible shit happens every day. Wonderful things happen every day. Life is peaks and valleys and the human experience is navigating those highs and lows. A few weeks to a few months after the accident? Sure - it may be lacking tact and awareness to act ostentatiously about the peaks to someone still navigating their way out of a valley. But no - the expectation is NOT that you are required for all the days of your life thereafter to make your life smaller and your happy times and accomplishments less significant because bad things happened to other people. Your parents are wrong. They may have good intentions, but in the end what they are doing is far more damaging to both you and your sister. They may think they are protecting your sister, but in reality they are taking away the normalcy of life to make her a perpetual victim and diminishing you in the process. Have a conversation with your sister - alone. Not an apology, just an open conversation to find out how she actually feels when your mother isn't treating her like a ventriloquist's doll and speaking for her.
Awful, traumatic things happen to us all and we are still surrounded by life moving on. This includes good things happening to the people around us. Each and every one of us will have times of joy and sorrow and a mix of each. Your mother is asking you not to live a full life and are enabling your sister to feel she can never do the same. If I am reading this correctly your sister has a husband and your wider family are allowed to again feel joy or pride? It is only you who must dull your shine? Who must live in the shadows? None of this is doing your sister any good or helping your wider family. Theyâre wallowing in the trauma and freezing you all in that pain. This needs to stop. If your sister is privately sharing that she cannot stand seeing you happy, then she needs to be in therapy. Thatâs to cope with her jealousy and learn how to manage her circumstances without making you and your mother responsible for shielding her from your joy or accomplishments. If she wants to seal herself up from the world outside thatâs something she needs to cope with and not expect you to seal yourself up right next to her. If your family doesnât understand how this is doing her and you a disservice then you need to start maintaining a distance from them all. You will have joy and pain in your life, if they canât cope with one they donât get the other. Donât apologize. It sounds like you asked a reasonable question they donât have an answer to. Leave them to ponder it and come to you with a good answer.
Is your mom hoping your sister wonât notice sheâs disabled? Maybe if no one has anything good happen your sister wonât realize sheâs been dealt a big life changing thing? Your mom isnât really an AH as much as sheâs just a person whoâs not coping well and sheâs unintentionally taking it out on you. NTA. If you havenât already done so, call your local disability support center or community health organization. You might find a group therapy that can help you sort out some of the emotional load.
Nta. I would have a talk with your sis as she likely doesn't know how your parents are dimming your shine. But I would also suggest going low contact with them for a while. If they complain tell them you will talk to them when good things no longer happen to you.
In my opinion: NTA. Sit down and have a conversation with your sister one-on-one, and then do the same for your parents and let them know how you feel about this. I'm sure they will understand once you've aired your concerns. If your parents don't understand but your sister does, then see if your sister could have a talk with them about it and how it's making you both feel. In my opinion, there is nothing more powerful than a sibling duo and if you're both on the same page, maybe it will get through to your parents on how they have been treating you! Good luck!
NTA, but your parents are, especially your mother. They are putting down both their daughters by doing what they are doing. Reminding your sister how sad or miserable her life is now and telling you that you aren't allowed to be happy because your sister is so sad.
>Her husband and even my parents share things about their lives freely and no one seems to mind. But as the younger sister Iâm not allowed to share anything good in front of her so I donât hurt her feelings So it's not about happy news in general, it's that you're being set up as a point of comparison for her, always. And you can never be allowed to exceed her? That's pretty toxic. This isn't a completely uncommon phenomenon, just so you know. I mean it's not limited to edge cases such as when one sibling is disabled. Just because it happens in other families, though, doesn't make it healthy or right. It's very damaging, as you know. And it's not an honest or respectful treatment of any child in the family. Hopefully you can talk to your sister as others have suggested and that will be a good starting point for making things right. If your mom (in particular perhaps?) is completely wedded to her ideas about her oldest daughter after that, I'd suggest therapy just to check in with someone and see if she's created deeper issues than you know, be it about success or anything else. To this layperson, only seeing a bit of the picture, I see some similarity to the "golden child" phenomenon, which can be pretty damaging. NTA. I wish you all the best, and your sister, too, although your best and her best aren't going to be the same.
NTA You should be able to share any and all new with them, whatever is going on with your sister shouldn't have anything to do with it
NTA. Iâm so sorry. I was in a horrible accident 2 years ago. I was able to make a miraculous recovery but future mobility was a big question for a long time and it was scary. But hereâs the deal: what made me HAPPIEST and made me feel most normal was hearing about what was going on in the lives of the ones I love. I wanted to hear all of it, but especially the good news! Your poor sister deserves to celebrate along with you when good things happen. Sheâs still your sister and Iâm sure she wants you to thrive! Your parents are getting this all wrong. We donât derive happiness solely from ourselves, but also â sometimes largely â from the joy and success of others. Talk to your sister. I canât imagine she wants you to mute your joy around her. Maybe show your parents these comments. Your mom especially is making a crappy situation much worse than it has to be.
It sounds like you should talk to your sister privately. It's entirely possible that none of this is coming from her, at which point you should ask her to support you in talking to your parents about it. Also, if they aren't willing to change their position on this issue, then I'd suggest making it clear to them that they won't be invited to your wedding celebration. Do not let people that act like this spoil that.
NTA. If my parents used me as an excuse to never let anyone be happy near me, I'd look sad, too. Talk to your sister and see if she really is struggling this much with feeling sorry for herself, or if she's struggling with your parents constantly acting like her accident just happened. It might feel like they're constantly picking at a healing wound to her.
Not once do you mention actually talking to your sister.
NTA. You said what needed to be said. Theyâre so focused on your sister that they dont see or care about the hurt and pain itâs causing you. Talk to your sister. If your parents interfere ask to spend time with her alone. Yâall need to figure this out because it is not healthy for anyone. Did your sister receive counseling at all?
As someone who works in healthcare the worst is the constant pity some patients receive. Sheâs a hemiplegic, shes not actively dying or mentally not there. Sure life is a bit hard now but if every person in her life compares you two subconsciously how is she supposed to have her own victories and continue to live in your family? This is the new normal, itâs been 3 years. Thereâs no need to be on a constant pity party. The patient I will always remember is the functional quadriplegic (arms semi worked, legs flaccid) that BACKPACKED ACROSS EUROPE WITH HIS WHEELCHAIR BY HIMSELF. He would do his all to be as independent as possible and be his new ânormalâ and he hated being looked down upon just because this is his life now. Maybe your sister is feeling the same. How can anyone move on if theyâre hanging on to the past and pitying instead of looking forward to a new day, new challenges, new chances to be with loved ones, new memories to be made.
NTA And congratulations on your engagementÂ
Jesus Christ, tell your family it's time to stop the biggest pity party for your sister. Congratulations and enjoy your life
NTA your sister's going through a lot but she should still be stoked when good things happen for people she cares about and she probably would be if your parents would stop making her struggles the center of every conversation. No doubt they're doing it out of love but they're kind of holding your entire family back including your sister, seeing everyone moving forward might encourage your sister to shift her focus from what she's lost to what she want.
NTA. Can I just ask you honestly why you believe you should apologize? Are you actually sorry about what you did? Or is it just because you "should"? If you're actually, truly sorry - sure, an apology makes sense. But your hurt is real and valid, so I personally think you should take the time to understand why you want to apologize before you do it. You're allowed to be you and have feelings, just as much as your sister is. And honestly, it's time to build your sister up and enjoy life with her instead of limiting her to bring a victim.
NTA and do not apologize! You do not owe anyone an apology! They owe you one. Iâd ask them why they donât care about you and why is it always about her. Remind them you exist and you have feelings too.
Iâm proud of you!
I would go LC with the family for now. Get therapy. Have a sit down conversation with your family and tell them if they canât also celebrate your successes then they wonât be around for them NTA
NTA, absolutely nobody is being helped by this. What they are doing is not good for you and it is not good for your sister. You don't fix depression by letting the depressed person wallow in it and never showing any positivity around them for fear it will just make them get down on themselves even harder. Get that woman some therapy, find her a support group if any are in your area, get her out of the house doing things and reminding her that there is still good in her life. And if you have done those things and its not helping? Consider the possibility that her depression might be chemical in nature and just happened to coincide with a traumatic event that would leave most anyone feeling down.
OP, you may want to write a letter or email to your parents, telling them how you feel. It would give you time to work on the phrasing, give them time to read & reread it. Give specific examples of how theyâve reacted to your news. Bring up that they & your BIL share things going on in their lives with your sister, itâs only you who is silenced. Try to not sound angry or accusatory. I would question why theyâre acting as if you & your sister are in some weird competition. Youâre not children, youâre two adult women. Itâs natural you would be confused & hurt by this behavior. Assuming they celebrated your sister & BILâs engagement & wedding, ask if youâre now expected to downplay all your milestones, would they even attend your wedding. Because theyâre sending a clear message they donât want to hear about it. Your sister had a life changing event at 29. Hopefully sheâll have many happier times ahead. But as theyâre acting right now, your life stopped at 23. You no longer can talk about anything good, youâve become invisible to them, or worse, them setting you up as a source of pain for your sister. You canât bear them resenting you for existing or living your life. Or walking. You didnât cause your sisterâs situation, you would give anything to change it, what theyâre doing isnât healthy for either you or your sister. Theyâre basically encouraging or justifying her being resentful of you. Youâre afraid theyâre going to make her even more unhappy, bitter, & angry at you for living your life. This isnât healthy, & Iâd suggest family therapy.
No, the Hell you don't owe your sister an apology!!! I understand that she's going through a lot. But you're a part of that family, too. Your joy should be their joy. How selfish of them to treat you like your happiness no longer matters because your sister isn't happy right now!!! ALL of them need serious therapy. You, too, so that their behavior doesn't have the power to change how you see yourself and your worth. You are amazing. Congratulations on your promotion! Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Congratulations on your new car!!!!!! NTA.
If everyone else is allowed to say the good things in their life, just not you specifically, thatâs a huge red flag. I wouldnât even apologize to your sister either, honestly. When you finally snapped about being shut down over and over she didnât apologize to you for how shitty everyone has made you feel in her name, after all, even when explicitly told. And Iâm willing to bet that since itâs just you, you were targeted. Likely by your sister. You shouldnât apologize. They should. NTA.
I feel bad for you, OP. I know your sister suffered a lot and I feel bad for her. But you should be allowed to share in your good news too.
Itâs perfectly possible that your sister hates this as much as you do. Your parents may be holding her back in their own way. Iâve seen this happen a lot to disabled people - their family members freak out and donât allow them independence or allow them space to be their own person or to move beyond being just a disabled person. I donât know how she feels but talk to her. You might find out sheâs as frustrated as you are. I wouldnât be surprised if she was.
NTA.
NTA but your family is minus your sister. You too should talk take her out have a day and have heart to heart with her. Ask her does it really bother her when you have good news? Maybe something else is going on she just might be depressed and feels helpless. Sometimes you can really want to be happy for someone but there depression makes it extremely hard. Also your parents are making things worse for her by babying her. Yes what happened is really bad but not letting you share anything good for what 1 more year 2, 5,10, never won't fix anything.
NTA, your mother needs to fuck right on off and take her trash ass attitude with her. Like I get it your sister has had a rough go of it and maybe she misses the fact some of the things you have that are good news she wonât have for herself but that is no reason for you to be the only one not to be able to share good news about your life and have at least some acknowledgment from the people who should be happy for you because it means they raised a person who is taking charge of their own life. So either start telling her to fuck off or the next time she says so much as âI baked a sheet of cookies todayâ shut her down the same way till she gets the picture.
What happened to your sister is tragic, but she needs therapy to deal with her issues. Congrats on the promotion, engagement and new car! I would suggest eloping so they can't steal anymore of your joy.
>"This isnât the time. think about your sister" It's been 3 years. When WILL be the time? Never, I suspect. Like someone else said, I think this is much more your parents thing and that your sister is more sad because they keep bringing up how pitiful a state she's in.
You are not the asshole. You're family is being unfair to you. You do NOT deserve this treatment. Considering therapy for yourself. They will likely never change, so you may need to come to terms that your rightful expectations of them will never be met. I personally would lower contact but that's just me. Good luck with your situation.
NTA Particularly since other people can have good things happen, just not you. Don't apologize to your sister, but do speak with her. See how she reacts and go from there.
You donât owe your sister nor he family an apology, but you do owe them a âsit downâ as we call it in my family. And this shouldâve happened a long time ago. Tell them exactly what you wrote here.
That happened to me when my sister had fertility issues. When I got pregnant I couldnât celebrate it. Sucks. Iâm sorry!
Congrats on the proposal! You owe them NO APOLOGY AT ALL. If your parents want to coddle your sister's feelings, fine. Then don't invite any of them to the wedding, since it would upset her too much. Have a wonderful day without making yourself small just to make them feel big.
NTA, but like someone else suggested, have a talk with your sister, just you and her and see what her take is on your families behaviour toward you. Your mother and other family members are likely making things worse for your sister by shutting out any good news that may actually make her feel happy. Please update us.
You don't owe her an apology. You parents owe YOU an apology. Probably one to your sister as well. And you should have an honest conversation with your sister.
NTA You don't owe your sister an apology. And you need to get this straight with your family: Do they care about you enough to be happy for you, or do they believe everything should revolve around your sisters accident. With that point also keep in mind, that the wedding day is often called "the happiest day of your life". If they don't want you to be happy, you should take your time and ask yourself if you want any of them at your wedding.
NTA, also, you donât owe anyone an apology. Your parents should be apologising to you.
NTA. You are all adults. Call everyone together and discuss this. That there's a difference between sharing giid news and gloating. And that your sisters condition is not your responsibility.
The nasty cherry on top of all of this is that it sounds like your sister has already achieved these milestones herself. You're not even doing things that she was never able to do. Learning to accept your lot in life when it cannot be changed is a terribly important thing to do. We must learn to be joyful where we are and not let the limitations in life hamper the joy in front of us. It sounds like your parents are more culpable in this than your sister, possibly, so I'm glad you're going to talk to her. Don't be ashamed for living your life and don't apologize for it.
Seen this story before, just with younger ages
One on one conversation with your sister is needed. She may actually really want to hear all the good things Just because someone is disabled that does not mean they cannot be happy for others. In fact, many find joy in the good things. Talk to her and see how she feels about it all. Iâd be willing to bet she does not want things hidden from her and wants to still feel included in the family conversations. She has already had enough taken from her.
It sounds like your mom is punishing you for not being the disabled one. Is your dad like this, too?
Look, your sister is a whole-ass person, not a sad teddy bear on the side of the road. She still experiences the full range of human emotion, and hopefully also connection. If she genuinely canât cope with hearing good news that isnât about her, then she quite desperately needs therapy to learn those coping skills. If itâs your parents who canât handle it, same advice. Continue to share your good news and when you get called out, remind them that you, at least, see your sister still as a *person* not a sad lump of soggy newspaper, and you are giving her the respect of treating her as such when you connect in normal human ways with her.
Ummm, you don't owe ANYONE an apology! Trust me, walking on eggshells is no way to go through life! Thos family is leeching the joy out of you, and it does influence your personality. If you have to build another family through friends and/or extended family, then do so for your own mental health! Best wishes
NTA! Therapy for everyone!! There are some serious communication issues that arenât going to resolve themselves, and it sounds like this is a lifelong condition. People are suggesting NC already, and that is certainly an option, but give Mom a chance to learn how to process this in a healthy way.
Try not telling them anything about your life. For an extended period. Tell other people, of course. Tell your extended family, even. See if that feels better than being continually shot down. Make a decision on your way forward from there.Â
NTA and you donât owe anyone an apology, wtf? Your sister isnât a child and she wasnât a child when the accident happened. Sheâs a grown ass adult and she canât expect her little sister to be muted and depressed all the time because something awful happened to her. Itâs not like you caused the accident or made her paralysed. The way your family is treating you is disgusting. Stop contacting them, respond bluntly and with as little info as possible when they contact you, and donât include them in any further life events. They donât go to the wedding or birthdays or christmases etc. They donât deserve to be part of your life.
I mean Why do you keep insisting on telling your family when sister is there? Find another time. Should you have to, no. But obviously thatâs a first step.Â
YTA. This sounds like an issue with your mother being a jerk, and you are blaming your sister. It is pretty gross all around.
Where did I say that I blame my sister? I said that the reason my family wonât let me say anything is what happened to my sister.
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Whenever I try to discuss things with my sister my parents tell me to not. They say it might complicate things and I might end up hurting her feelings even more.
Is there ever a time where you are âallowedâ to speak with your sister one on one. Your parents *might* be right, but they could be wrong. You donât know until you ask your sister something along the lines of âdo you feel sad/jealous when good things happen to me?â Iâm sorry about this. Itâs seems like your parents are a wedge in you and your sisters relationship.Â
This and I wonder if the parents are why the older sister is having marital problems. The parents sound incredibly overbearing and if I was the husband, Iâd be struggling too with the in-laws practically living at the older sisters house.
"Complicate things" Complicate what exactly? It sounds like she is a competent, grown adult so I'm sure she can understand what you're talking about. You also mentioned she has a husband so, surely you can go to her house, when your parents aren't there to talk to her. Or does she live with her husband and your parents? Or talk to her husband?
Her family spends all their free time at her sisterâs house.
Are her feelings the only ones that matter? Why canât you share exciting life events with YOUR family? Should you have a shitty life and be failing for them to be ok talking about your life so your sister feels better about herself?
Thatâs not for them to decide!!! They need to stop infantilizing your sister; sheâs paralyzed, not on suicide watch. Thereâs no need for them to be policing the topics sheâs allowed to discuss. She doesnât need them to protect her feelings. I have a deep seated feeling that if you did ask her about it she feels the same way. I mean she got into that wreck and suddenly her parents treat her like an absolute invalid to the point where theyâre tone-policing her entire life. Are they ever gonna let her grow and adapt and challenge herself to try and gain back some sort of normalcy and independence? Because thatâs what she needs, and if she was allowed to be honest, thatâs what she deserves. If theyâre truly that worried about her emotional/mental health theyâd be bringing her to therapy to unpack the horrific trauma she went through. Not putting her in a literal speech bubble and forcing her to stay sad.
okay so what? ignore them and do it anyway, you're both adults
Complicate what? That just doesn't make sense. Talk to your sister privately first, find out how she feels. And then, go from there. Definitely spend less time over there, I think it is hurting your self esteem.
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How exactly? Cause right now, the sister also gets sad when she ever dares to talk. So the only way to make it happen is if op develops chronic depression and never has a good news to share, becomes unemployed l, split from her fiancé and lives under a bridge cause the topic of wedding, promotion or anything home, work, and marriage related is banned ..... specifically for op, but not others. Yes, op can make a relationship happen by biting her tongue and being a door mat, but for how long? At what cost ? When will it ever be OK for op to be happy with her life. Cause the sister is not getting the help or the treatment she needs if others' existence is triggering her
They wonât let you share news because they are ignorant and not treating your sister like an adult. You are doing the same thing by not talking to your sister about how your mother is behaving. She is paralyzed, not brain damaged (I assume). Your title alone focuses on the fact you see the disability as the issue, not your familyâs twisted inability to accept it.
>You are doing the same thing by not talking to your sister about how your mother is behaving. She is paralyzed, not brain damaged (I assume). Whenever I try to talk to my sister my parents tell me to not. They say things might get more complicate and I might end up hurting her feelings even more. >Your title alone focuses on the fact you see the disability as the issue, not your familyâs twisted inability to accept it. Because this is what they tell me. What did you want my title to focus on.
Are you ever alone with your sister or are your parents always at her house when you are there?
Always there. We spend most of our free time at her house to help around with kids and be there for her.
Whatâs the long term plan here? Your parents want you to pretend youâre living your life in stasis so it wonât âhurt your sisterâs feelingsâ (which makes no sense, btw), so how is that supposed to work out? Is your mom not going to go wedding dress shopping with you? Is your dad not going to walk you down the aisle? Are they going to hide your pregnancies and pretend your kids donât exist? Is there a line before you finally say, âenoughâs enough, Iâm outâ? You said in your post that you âget it, you really do.â These people have brainwashed you into thinking this is normal when itâs not. Itâs not normal that everyone in your family can share good news except you. Itâs not normal (or fair) that theyâre allowed to have happiness in their lives but you arenât. Why does your joy (and only your joy) cause your sister sadness? Is that even the case? Or just something your parents made up? NTA, but going LC/NC with your parents may be the best thing for your mental health. Why continue to set yourself up to be hurt?
This is completely true. Itâs not normal for your parents to behave like this. Find a way to be alone with your sister to talk to her. It sounds like your parents may have sucked all her self confidence and positivity out of her so she feels dependent on them, and sheâs letting them wrap her in cotton wool and think for her. Disabled people contribute positively to society. They win gold medals at the Paralympics and function well in workplaces. Stephen Hawkins didnât do too badly for himself did he? NTA, but your parents are.
Can you take her out for coffee or lunch just the two of you? Maybe not necessarily to have a âtalkâ but just to connect as sisters? I wonder if she is overwhelmed by your parents always hovering over her.
I have a bad feeling that the parents aren't allowing their adult daughter such freedoms now that she's paralyzed from the waist down. If I'm right, then op's sister is experiencing abuse by the parents and I do not envy op for this mess she's facing.Â
The sister has a husband and children. Where is the husband in this equation? But, yeah. I feel like the parents are too involved.
If I'm right about abuse and rhe parents are stopping the husband from being alone with his wife as well- then he may be at a loss for what to do. Especially if this is America and he's had to start working more to cover his wife's medical expenses. Emotional abuse can be really insidious and even living there, the husband may not know what to do. He may be a victim himself, and now living on eggshells terrified that he'll be accused of hurting his wife if he ever acts assertively. Yes, this is entirely speculative- maybe he's just a neglectful jerk- but the truth is that rhe husband could be a good husband and still helpless against his wife's parents' abuse. > My mom immediately changed the subject later telling me that my sister was feeling down about her own marriage struggles Whatever kind of man he is, it looks like the marriage is in trouble.Â
Nta i am the younger sister of a sister that started using a wheelchair at 15 by 20 she was paralyzed from the waist down. I was 9. The thing I learnt is that my sister was still a horrible person in the chair just like before. I wonder how I might have reacted if it was my nice sister that developed the problem but it wasn't. I also worked with disabled kids from 12ish so she isn't my only experience with disability. I am not suggesting your sister is anything like mine but what I learnt because of my sister is âso what?â Your parents are wrecking your sister's chances of living her life as a person. You got a new car, how does that upset your sister? What she can't afford one now? Nor could you a year ago. You're getting married, how does that impact her marriage? It is rough to lose your independence and the ability to walk but so what? I knew a man who four months after an accident that put him in a chair was director of the disability charity that organizes the largest disability awareness event in Europe. Your sister has to live in the real world and frankly unless there is more issues than the paralysis after 2 years she should be taking her life back. She can raise her kids the horrible sister raised 3, with a degenerative bone condition that is very painful. The reasons I dont like my sister have nothing to with her disability she coped well with that. My point is that no matter what my sister's condition she is still a person who is responsible for her actions and when deciding to go no contact her disability didn't come into it. I am exhausted so I am not sure I am making my point, you dont need to suffer just because your sister can't walk. she still has to live in this world, it is the only one we have.
First of all, you are NTA. Secondly, I think you owe it to yourself, and a lesser extent, to your sister to talk it out with her. You need to have the difficult conversation and get it out in the open so you can both move forward. She had a devastating, life-changing accident, but it did not stop the world and being coddled is not going to help her move forward. And you need to be able to share your life with your family. Congratulations on your promotion, your engagement, and your shiny, brand new car! And all the other wonderful things that you have had to keep inside for the last three years!
You can always text your sister or email her, assuming she didnât go blind and lose both her hands in the accident.
I have a severely disabled son and two younger children. You cannot continue to compromise and reduce your life for your sisterâs disability. Itâs not a sustainable long term solution. Are you never expected to be successful, married or experience pregnancy and parenthood because your sister is now disabled? I would never dream of forcing my younger children to reduce their worth in order to appease their older brother, simply because heâs disabled. My younger children giving up on their lives will never improve their older brotherâs disability, nor will my younger children going on to live happy and fulfilled lives ever worsen their brotherâs disability. I know you love your sister but if your sister cares about you at all, she would not want you to give up living your life because of her disability. If she does feel that way, she needs therapy and counselling. Are her children expected to give up living fulfilling lives, so as not to upset their mother? If the answer is no, then tell your parents (and if required, your sister) they canât expect or demand you to give up living your life either. I strongly feel you need to distance yourself from your parents and maybe your sister for the immediate future. You matter too and deserve to live and experience milestones in life without being made to feel like a monster for it. Was your sister always your parents favourite child because it sounds like your parents are bitter you might now âoutshineâ your older sister.
Could anyone elseâs house be made accessible, like with a temporary folding ramp ? Like, even for visits ?
Does your sister see a therapist? This is the kind of thing where you could ask to join her therapy session sometime so the therapist can help you talk to each other.
As the child who was sick and my parent did the same to my younger sister, I have to admit it made me feel better then that they restricted her joy on some things so it wouldnât hurt my feelings. Because all I was feeling was sadness. But looking back (this was over 10 yrs ago) it was absolutely horribly wrong of them and I feel so bad she had to go through that. Iâd rather theyâd helped me build my emotional tolerance/strength than limit her happiness. Note: they didnât do it all the time, but even some of the time is too much.
Please give us an update when you can.
Youâre 26, not 16, you donât have to do what your parents say. In fact, I would tell them to stop telling you what to do because youâre allowed to talk to your sister. Iâd even ask to meet with her 1x1 to talk about things or have a phone call with her when your parents arenât there. You probably could even text her husband and ask him to tell you when your parents leave. Overall, you do not need to listen to them and that might be the way to get to the root of the issue and talk to her
All of your free time is spent helping your sister? ALL?? Sorry, but no. Thatâs insane. Your familyâs dynamic is highly inappropriate and it sounds like itâs time to disturb the status quo or stop being involved. No family is better than how your family is acting.
That person is an ass. NTA you deserve good things in your life and to be able to share them. She may feel sad having your parents around her all the time, honestly. I know I would. People paralyzed from the waist down can do all sorts of things still. I'm assuming she still has the use of her arms and hands. It sounds as if your mom is making your sisters limitations her whole identity instead of focusing on the things she can still do and other things that she can't do she can learn to do differently. And you should also be able to talk to your sister alone. Go out together still. I had a friend who was paralyzed from the waist down. He still went out with us to places. Out to restaurants. Bowling. Shopping. Has she been to therapy? Or is your mom blocking that too.
NTA Youâre an adult and your sister is an adult. Why are you letting them decide what you should and shouldnât do. You say your mom pulls you aside, but you donât have to listen to her. You donât have to leave the room with her. Youâre not toddlers, just sit and talk to her like adults. You canât let them ruin your relationship with your sister. Have you talked to her on the phone or texted her? Have you talked with your brother in law about he feels about your parents behavior?
Are you the one who made the r/prorevenge post?
Does she not have a phone? I have to be frank if you're not able to have a private conversatikn with your sister- I'm worried about her. It's been 3 years. Listen that sucks but a person can learn how to use a wheelchair and start being self sufficient in three years. Assuming there wasn't brain damage (you only mentioned paralyzed from the waist down)- your parents should not be speaking for your sister and coddling her like this. And even if there was brain damage- the brain damage have better have left your sister nonverbal and unable to use a communication aid, because if she can communicate, she is an adult who has a right to private conversations. If they act at all like this towards her husband- I'm not surprised they're having marriage troubles. I would have long since hit my breaking point and said "You get your parents off my case, out of thos house, and start doing therapy or we're done." Best case scenario- your sister is deeply depressed and her mental health is stopping her from making progress and your parents are enabling her and stopping her from getting better. Worst case scenario- your parents are experiencing some kind of munchausen's by proxy and emotionally abusing your sister to keep her helpless.
This doesnât make sense. Are they holding her hostage? Are you an adult? Will everyoneâs head explode if you donât follow their commands?