100% i dont believe Ella is being truthful about the date or being booked out.
Ask your self does this sound like something Ella would do on purpose to stick it to her kid sister?
I can tell you from what i read in your post, it does sound like something she would 100% do.
Call the venue, find out your self what their scheduling is like.
Her ex almost or pretty much did try to assault your youngest in your home and her reaction speaks volumes.
At this point id probably rather just go to Lana's as i know 100% she is innocent in all of this.
Absolutely call the venue and ask if they have any possibility to reschedule and how much they would charge for that.
I would also try to call Eric (or a message thread with the two of them). Tell him you are really sorry you are not able to attend at that date, but if they find any other date you will be happy to pay for the venue. Don't say anything negative about your daughters, but that this situation puts your family in a thought spot, and you don't want that to put a damper on their happy day.
Talk to Lana. I would go to her graduation as she can not control when it is. Find out if she's okay with other family members attending the wedding (this is a compromise). Then throw her a big graduation/ going away party with the family during the following weekend.
I 100% agree with you.
It's really easy for OP to prove that Elle is lying about the wedding venue availability. He could just contact the wedding venue directly and ask them.
If she is lying, OP could invite Elle and her fiancé for dinner and expose her for her lies. I bet that her fiancé doesn't know about the situation and should know because Elle's actions speak volumes about her character.
100 % this. After reading everything, not only is Lana completely innocent, but she's also absolutely correct about Ella's actions, grudge holding, and manipulations.
The reason I KNOW that Ella holds grudges and is manipulative is because no sane person would accuse their parents of playing favorites for missing an event because they weren't hospitalized.
Like the thought of even holding on to that, I get being sad but I would never dream of holding a grudge against a parent and using "Hey remember that time you almost died and missed my event" in random arguments to make them feel bad... again, she uses the fact that OP was hospitalized to make OP feel bad... wtf.
Lana is absolutely right, and I truly believe Ella picked this date intentionally to force OPs hand and get back at Lana. Lana is also right that OP needs to stop trying to play devils advocate and call Ella out. It's one thing to try not to play favorites. It's another thing entirely to allow one to basically bully and isolate the other.
NTA , if you go to the graduation, but you need to have a SERIOUS conversation with Ella and stop letting her manipulate and twist history to fit her narrative and her "woe is me" sob story. Seriously, she brings up the fact that you were hospitalized to prove her point. She is NOT the kind person you're convinced she is.
Oh, I agree 100%, but since she refuses to believe her sister was almost assaulted, I didn't list it... in this case, she's not a good person bc she refuses to even believe that her BF tried to assault her sister.
Ella is not a good person... and I'm curious what her fiancé knows about her/the narrative shes spun.
Her mom needs to seriously give Ella a reality check and hopefully in ear shot of her fiancé and lay out on the table that she doesn't talk to her sister because she dated a creepy ephebophile who snuck into her room to attempt who know what and she's mad at her own mother for daring to miss an event because she had the audacity to almost die.
Exactly. I also question her intelligence when she refuses to blame the pervert that attempted to attack her 14 year old sister. She blames a CHILD for “ruining” her first relationship. Seriously, she needs intensive therapy for her bs and jealousy.
Totally agree! By the looks of it, Ella is lying. You can confirm to the venue and decide from there. Also, as a mother, I think you have to have a conversation with your daughters and fix whatever is going on between them. I think that will solve your problem if they will make amends.
I am willing to believe the venue could be booked full a year or more out. It does happen with popular wedding venues. But I would absolutely verify it before I trust it her word for it. I'd also try to probe into when it was booked for that date. If it was booked a year ago, this was not a last-minute booking. This is intentional drama mongering.
NTA please pick Lana!! Ella is manipulative, jealous and vengeful against her younger sister for reasons out of Lana’s control. This is all a game for Ella, let her go NC and enjoy peace with Lana
She also didn't tell her parents about any of the wedding dates, plans or details until it was all set in stone and they would have to choose. She 100% manipulated this situation. It sounds like Ella lost some weight and decided to become the mean girl towards everyone.
Exactly AND that venue is booking out "the next few years", they have a waiting list and no reason to offer "a big discount". That date doesn't work? Then they move on to the next person on the list.
Ella absolutely did this on purpose.
It’s not even about lying. It’s about planning things like an adult.
BEFORE I picked a date/venue, I called my parents and my sister - the people I NEEDED to be there - and confirmed they were available. My husband did the same. It’s actually how we found out his brother’s wife was pregnant and due a few months before. He said he would come, but he didn’t know if the wife and baby could. Cool. But also don’t piss off your post-partum wife on our account. Kept it open.
You surprise people with a date, you can’t be surprised if they have plans already.
Plus, Lana's was scheduled first. Ella can choose between her parent's attendance and her "dream venue". If the place is more important than the people, then that speaks volumes. NTA
NTA. I can’t believe you missed Ella’s “big achievement” because you were septic and on a ventilator. Ella making you feel guilty for almost dying is extremely manipulative.
Ella knew what she was doing and 100% scheduled her wedding on the day of Lana’s graduation. Also, you were aware of Lana’s graduation prior to Ella sending out invites.
Yeah, holding something like serious illness over your head is *low*, and I agree that it's extremely manipulative. And like so many others, I'm positive you'll find this is manipulation tactics with the wedding. It's highly likely a deliberate maneuver on Ella's part.
I'm with that camp suggesting to call the venue and enquire about the availability of bookings - only because she has put you in such a difficult spot. If Ella is indeed lying, arrange a dinner with her and her fiancé to discuss her actions.
Maybe even show her your post here, and the responses as to what people think, especially her holding your illness over you. This daughter is one you will have to tread so carefully with over absolutely *everything* in your future. (You probably already are).
This. Plus, Ella is too manipulative and needy to really cut contact anyway. She needs OP in her life to be a punching bag. OP, please support Lana. BTW, did your daughter's even check on you when you almost died in the hospital?
I would bet Ella contacted the school for the Grady date and THEN scheduled her wedding for that date. That's how manipulative she is. I mean blaming your 14 year old sister for almost getting assaulted by her pedo boyfriend?
Go to Lana's. She is the innocent one.
You go to the graduation because your daughter had no control over the date. Ella deliberately scheduled the wedding on the same date. You can show up after the graduation ceremony & be at the reception to celebrate with your older daughter who is trying to manipulate you. NTA for missing the wedding planned on the date of your youngest daughter’s graduation. YWBTA if you miss the graduation.
Honestly I’m petty enough to call the wedding venue to ask about the date change - who requested it, was there a difference in price, how far out they book, was it available on [original wedding date], stuff like that.
Then go to the grad
This, every step of the way..
OP you are being ta because you have allowed your eldest to consistently abuse her sister for being sexually assaulted in her own home.. for the love of all that is holy stop allowing your eldest to abuse the younger.
The older sibling made a conscious CHOICE she does not want her sister there and made it clear that you have to choose. Why on earth would you allow this to continue? Simply explain that you have prior commitments on that date that are set in stone. Her temper tantrum is not acceptable, and you would love to attend her wedding, should she choose to be an adult and schedule her wedding on a day that is not intentionally sabotaging someone else.
Mine too. If it wasn't for that I'd have said go to neither since that's the only "win" for OP. But, Adam literally hit on a 14 year old and tried to get into her bedroom at night. That's disgusting and such a huge red flag I'll see red for years. And Ella would 100% have stayed with Adam if he didn't break up with her. She supported her boyfriend over her sister who could have been raped that night.
Hell no.
Frankly I think OP is an AH for allowing Ella to victim blame Lana, a child, for her bf’s attempted SA.
Like….Ella would not be welcome in my home, I would not be interested in further contact, til she sought therapy and figured out that she’s a nasty piece of work.
Came here to say this. The main core of this whole issue is Ella believed her would be rapist ex over all evidence to the contrary. And you know what? Even in the very unlikely chance that Anna did flirt with the boyfriend? Anna was 14. It's rape and pedophilia no matter what. That Ella is angry at her sister for nearly being raped is putrid icing on the vile cake.
YTA for not holding Ella more accountable for this at the time and YWBTA for choosing the wedding over the graduation.
NTA. Ella is manipulating you, sorry, but I believe she has intentionally booked that date as the wedding date to push you into a corner and force you pick her over her sister. Then added the cruel threat of cutting you out of her life. She doesn’t even want her sister at her wedding.
For goodness sake, the one event you missed was because you were extremely unwell in hospital and she throws it in your face?!
I am sorry as I can imagine that this is so hard for you but both events are once in a lifetime events for both of your girls and you have to choose. I think Lana is right and you are being manipulated by Ella. But it doesn’t make this situation any easier for you.
How do the rest of your family feel? Also do you have a relationship with Eric’s parents at all?
Let’s talk about the real break in the sister relationship - the Adam thing. Ella brings a first class creep into the home. Tries to hit on Lana. When this would be Rapist tries to break into her room, Ella defends the would be rapist and blames her underage sister. Now Ella “inadvertently” hastily schedules her wedding at the exact time of Lana’s graduation.
The position OP is being put in sucks. But this drama was written by Ella.
OP seriously needs to stop saying how proud she is of Ella. She may have high grades and lots of awards, but she is not a nice person
Ella is absolutely manipulating OP. And if you give in to this and go to her wedding- it will *for certain* be something else in a year, or whenever. The next time Ella sees an opportunity to manipulate you into "choosing" her over her poor sister she will threaten to cut you out of her life and "go no contact" if you don't bow to her demands. You can't avoid it by placating her.
You're not a parent you're a hostage.
Draw a line and stand on it. You can't be in both places. Your younger daughter's graduation was **planned first** and you are already obligated to be there. If your older daughter moves her wedding to that date then you can't attend. Period. Moving the wedding was Ella's choice. To think she gets to crap on her younger sister and demand everyone cater to her just so she can have her "dream venue" (barf) is so beyond entitled I can't even see it from here.
OP stop letting your older daughter lead you around by the nose. Guilt is the tool she uses to manipulate. Set boundaries and expectations and stick to them. Your older daughter seems to have some kind of psychological problem expressing itself as pathological jealousy of her own sister. Stop ignoring it and stop indulging it.
ESH except Lena.
I'll be cruel and say that this probably won't be a once in a lifetime event for Ella if she is as cruel and manipulative as all of us think she is.
Maybe the first in her life event, but not a once in her life event. She sounds absolutely immature, for being such a "smart" person. Imagine blaing your kid sister for how creepy your boyfriend is!
And then to throw her mother's life-threatning sickness in her face to get her way!
Good luck to her future husband and any kids she might have
Graduation gets my vote.
Ella clearly is harboring resentment because her BF tried to rape her sister. Her reaction is disgusting.
I’m quite convinced Ella chose this date on purpose. I would simply tell Ella that you were already committed to attend the graduation, you are devastated to miss her wedding. Ella will pitch an absolute fit but you can’t punish Lana because Ella is playing games. You play stupid games you win stupid prizes Ella.
Wait-you were in the ICU and missed an awards ceremony but were there for everything else and she’s still mad about that?! This is manipulative and stupid. Go to the graduation. Ella has some unresolved issues.
The only decision you can make is to go to your daughter's graduation. Ella has booked her wedding on Lana's graduation day on purpose, it's payback because she thinks that her sister is at fault for her ex bf trying to sexually assault her, you have done her no favours by not stopping this behaviour. She needs help, help that you can't provide, help from a professional, because no one in their right mind should be blaming the victim for an assault. If you attend the graduation then NTA. You should send a letter to your daughter's fiance explaining the facts so he can encourage her to seek help, and so he will understand why you aren't attending their wedding. That it's not because you don't want to, but you cannot in good conscience allow Ella to manipulate you into missing Lana's graduation that she knew the date of and purposely booked the wedding on.
NTA, it's a no win scenario. How I go about "double booking" is usually accepting the invite of the first person who invites me.
I would do the following:
- check with the venue if they have another opening this year or early next year, just to verify your daughter's story
- send an e-mail or a text to your older daughter. Based on the outcome of the previous point it could be "to try to solve the issue, I contacted the venue. Venue X confirmed they are fully booked. I'm sorry if I did anything to make you think you were an afterthought or second best. I've always done my best to be to all your events as well as your sister's and, as you know, the only time I skipped one of your events was because I was in the ICU for two weeks. I don't appreciate you using such a vulnerable moment where I was on a ventilator and sedated as leverage to get what you want. You also know how your and your sister's school works. The date of the graduation has always been the same. While I understand that it could have slipped your mind during wedding planning, it still counts as a prior commitment therefore I have to give it precedence." Or "to find a solution I checked with Venue. Venue told me they still have these slots available. I don't appreciate you trying to force my hand by lying about this. I understand you and your sister don't get along anymore for issues that were neither of your faults, but this is not the kind of behaviour I expected. I'm sorry if I did anything etc".
If you have a way to contact her fiancé, you could try explaining the whole situation to him too just to clear the air.
This is a great way to go about the situation! OP should definitely do something along the lines. He needs to have a firm hand with Ella. She’s creating drama
NTA but you have to choose Lana. Her sisters adult boyfriend assaulted her as a minor (even if he didn’t successfully rape her, getting into a 14 year olds bed as a 19 year old is assault). PTSD is not formed from events themselves but how the person feels supported by their community afterwards. As a survivor and someone with PTSD it is incredibly important you show her you are there for her. She did not cause any part of this situation and should not be made to feel that she is at fault here. (I am now NC with my mother because she repeatedly made me feel responsible for my assaults. Going on 4 years and honestly after the way she made me feel, I don’t regret it and I won’t go back, so make sure when you make the choice you can live with it)
Whether Ella did this on purpose or not, she should be more understanding. You didn’t skip her event on purpose, you were septic in the hospital. You also had the date of the graduation scheduled first and she knows what time of year it happens as she went to the same school.
I know this isn’t an easy decision but there’s really only one choice.
>PTSD is not formed from events themselves but how the person feels supported by their community afterwards.
Maybe it was like that for you but the events themselves can *absolutely* cause PTSD. My PTSD was 100% caused by the event itself. Please don't make blanket claims that your experience is everyone's experience because it's pretty damn invalidating otherwise.
I can see where you mixed up the stats on how PTSD is formed, but the study in question found that PTSD is *more likely* to form when the victim has no support in the aftermath, not that it never happens.
Sounds like Ella has some serious self esteem issues and its coming through manipulation and jealousy.
Lana's just living her life insipte of her sister.
You as a Parent should probably have a serious conversation with Ella about her behaviour and address her "issues."
And then go for the graduation.
The graduation was scheduled first, technically that is the one you committed to first. Your oldest is being manipulative, and your youngest deserves better.
You elder daughter is being a real mole. She jumps directly to NC as soon as she's finished with her spiel to you about making her wedding. She preempted what you were going to say, and already had a rejoinder set up for you 100%.
You're NTA, you're screwed either way to be honest and it's because your eldest is being a twit about it.
The comment section has overwhelmingly sided with Lana and I agree with this wholeheartedly. there are things that your older daughter has done that are manipulative, calculated and vindictive. Kindly support your youngest daughter, attend the graduation, and have a great time. Your oldest seems unhinged and a total bitch for siding with a pedo instead of her sister. Being educated doesn't equate to intelligence because your oldest appears to be living proof that she can't see something that is going wrong in front of her eyes.
NTA Before you decide anything, maybe you could talk to Eric first. Does he know about your daughters' situation? Is there nothing he can do to help? And more importantly, why does Lana think her sister still resents her? You said Ella moved on since the break up, but did she even apologize to you and her sister for siding with her ex-boyfriend?
If they can't reach an agreement, choose Lana. While I have a lot of empathy for Ella and her struggles to overcome her lack of confidence, what she did to Lana could have destroyed her. And despite all of this, you still accepted her into your lives, how can she think that she is not loved as much as Lana? Most people would have cut off contact with her after what she said to her sister. The fact that she is now trying to force you to make such a difficult and cruel decision shows how much she still lacks self-confidence. Ella needs therapy. Your daughters both need to talk about what happened that day and how it affected their relationship.
Hi po , your oldest is manipulative and disrespectful as well. She was okay to blame everyone but herself and her poor choice in a partner . She defended a PDF and put the blame on you and your daughter when any sane man would have done the same if not breaking all his bones.
Your eldest is manipulative and disgusting I would actually prefer to no longer have a relationship with her until she apologises for her mistakes and takes accountability. You missed her event as you were in no condition to attend but she still blames you for that. She is a horrible person and if you have to favour someone from now on I would say do it for Lana. Your oldest is an adult who plans on becoming a mother if she still doesn't see how wrong she's no need for her in your life. And if she cuts you out accept it and no longer support her in any way.
Show her that her hurtful actions have consequences 😔😔
Can’t give an NTA/YTA because of the way you worded your title.
I am so sorry that your horrible older daughter is putting you in this position. 100% you need to skip the wedding and go to Lana’s graduation. Ella sounds like a terrible person tbh. I am sure it will be incredibly painful if she follows through on her no contact threat, but she is a conniving manipulator, and you need to draw a line. (I absolutely believe she lied about not remembering the date was Lana’s graduation, too.)
NTA but you will be if you miss the graduation when you know ella planned this so you have to choose
Your daughter was almost assaulted yet ella blamed her, to me ella sounds very entitled Lana has worked hard to achieve her graduation ( you said so yourself) so why should she be punished because ella is being selfish and manipulative
First in best dressed op. I teach my daughter that once she has committed to something that is what she has to do. Something better/more fun coming along does not change that commitment.
Ella 100% picked the date to make you choose her.
If you were in icu I hazard a guess there was a chance you could have died and this manipulative child cannot see beyond trying your make you feel guilty. On top of which she brought a paedophile into your home who almost assaulted/raped her sister and she has the gall to hold this over you and her sister!!
Op there is no choice to make here. If Ella wants you at her wedding she knows what to do. Lana is right, I think you do too much for Ella and she abuses you both by behaving like a toddler having a tantrum.
Enjoy your daughter’s graduation, she has done incredibly well ti achieve it.
Ella's choice to hold the wedding on Lana's graduation which she knew in advance. I think she is vindictive and manipulative. Holding the fact you missed 1 of her achievements because you were septic in hospital is really off.
I'd be going to Lana's graduation guilt free. Ella did this to herself for being inflexible. Clearly Ella doesn't care that her sister won't be able to attend either. She should be thanking Lana for her ending up with Eric instead of Adam and not holding the fact Adam was a creep against her.
NTA go to the graduation. It was scheduled first and the date was picked by the school. I'm pretty sure the wedding date was chosen specifically to do this to you. Don't play the game. If she cuts you off over a problem she created that's her choice. I imagine she'll just keep doing this type of thing and holding a relationship over your head to force your hand. Before you know it she'll be trying to make you choose between your grandkids. Tell her she needs therapy for her low self esteem and victim complex.
Elle is the giant AH. I don’t envy your position, but I think this was definitely planned as an attack on Lana for these reasons:
1) I can believe the venue *could* have contacted her about an earlier available date upon her request to be notified, but they’re DEFINITELY not offering a discount for the date during the summer wedding season. And if they did, any savings she would get would be vastly diminished by having to rush order and book everything else.
2) WHO drastically advances their wedding date from some nebulous “next year” to 2 MONTHS AWAY without first confirming that their closest loved ones (like their parents or the bridal party if there’s one) can attend that date??? If you know anyone who’s in the bridal party, I’d ask them if they were surprised at the sudden date change like you and see what they say. Or ask about the caterer, florist, make up artist, hair stylist, officiant — anything that would need to be booked out in advance during wedding season. My sister had to contact 7 officiants before they found one who could do her wedding date and she did book a year in advance. 2 MONTHS out? Is a friend getting ordained for this? She’s too calm for someone who has to throw a wedding together THAT quickly and you, their parent, has never even heard of it.
3) Given the statements Elle made about Lana, and the history, I HIGHLY doubt that this was just a random date. How far out did you notify her of the graduation date?
Ella seems to be a very troubled young woman.
I would first call the wedding venue and find out when their first vacancies are. Is it really as full as Ella claims? Then I would decide on my next steps.
OP- have you talked to Eric at all about the conflict in dates? I’m with others that Ella knows exactly what she is doing and that this may not be the only date the venue has available. But I would share your dilemma with Eric and see if he has any solutions or is more willing to changing venues/ dates.
First thing that came to my mind, is, like so many others have said, this date is NOT a coincidence. Ella doesn't sound the type to let something like her sister's graduation 'slip her mind'. Also, has she ever apologised for her behaviour over Adam? Whilst it's absolutely not her fault he did what he did, it most definitely isn't the fault of her sister or you. NTA if you go to Lana's graduation. Also, I'm guessing you'd already said you'd go to Lana's graduation, and Ella did change the date (although, I suspect she booked this date a long time ago, and gave you the wrong date on purpose. Absolutely wouldn't put it past her to have played a 'long con')
NTA the graduation date you have no control over. The wedding date is intentional and a test and she set you up to fail. Call her out on all of that, hold her accountable it’s your job as a parent even if she does cut you off it’s the right thing to do. I’d be sure her spouse is included in this conversation and I’d have it in person. Not over the phone. Also I would contact the venue to confirm if what she is even saying about the dates is true.
I personally dont see both sides, Ella is holding resentment if her boyfriend being creep against Lana, she is holding resentment you couldnt go to her event and wants you to punish Lana for it despite you being in the ICU and once again its not Lanas fault
Lana has done nothing wrong and she rightfully accuses Ella of manipulation and that you need to stand up to it
There is no way the wedding is not intentionally planned on the same day
Have you ever had a sit down conversation with Ella on why its wrong to blame Lana for her creeper ex boyfriend, have you ever taken any steps when she was a minor to get Ella in therapy to work on her confidence
If not high time you have a calm conversation with Ella, do not skip Lanas graduation
This entire situation is of Ellas making
I’d go to the event of the non-pedo-sympathizer. Ella seems to be a real piece of work for blaming her sister for almost getting raped by her boyfriend and blaming you for being in the ICU at her event.
Edit to add: I usually consider a wedding much more important than a high school graduation, but Ella did this on purpose to manipulate you and punish her little sister.
YTA. per your title, IF you skip the graduation
It’s funny isn’t it that Ella didn’t tell her own mother about the date change, from a year later to 6 weeks away?!? You find out when you receive a paper invitation in the mail? She didn’t give her mom an immediate excited call ‘hey mom, omg I just SOMEHOW found out venue has an opening in two months let’s hustle to find dresses’. Assuming this story is real (post in general) that’s so unlikely of her. You say when you called about it she’s like too late invitations are out. That would be a planned reason to say too late to change. The whole story is fishy, and you surely know that.
This is the girl who blamed her child sister for her boyfriend sneaking into her room. This is the girl who throws a deathly illness in your face for missing something of hers and says it’s an example of favoring Lana.
This is a person who will be spiteful about grandchildren access anyway, no matter what you do. You cannot reward this behavior.
This heart wrenching decision you’re facing is because of Ella. Even if you think it’s possible she forgot (she didn’t, she would’ve at least called to say hey I know that timeframe likely to be when graduation is, what is the exact date, and she should, have done that) she chose not to. She doesn’t care about her sister being at her wedding obviously either. Seems designed to have her not be there, and to make you choose. WHY would you support that bullshit?
NTA. If i were in your place, I would be going to the graduation or neither event. Lana did nothing wrong. She was the victim when she was young and Ella defended a pedo.
NTA—I have two younger sisters and if a partner of mine harassed them I would be furious. I genuinely cannot fathom taking the predator’s side and expecting sympathy from your family. If Ella is (a) still resenting you for doing what every parent should and protecting Lana from a predator, (b) planning her wedding on a day that she already knew was important to Lana + you, she shouldn’t be surprised when you can’t make it.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation though, it sucks. Hope everything goes okay and congratulations to Lana!!
Lana worked her butt off just to graduate. For her to see the culmination of that hard work result in you abandoning her to cater to a narcissistic older sister that will play these games your whole life....that would crush her.
Frankly, the best thing for the family is for Ella to simply disappear and find someone else to victimize. How long are you going to spend your life catering to her every whim because she lays an absurd guilt trip on you (a guilt trip that isn't even your fault)? She's basically holding the entire family hostage to get attention and to hurt you, and her little sister. And she'll keep doing it as long as she gets away with it.
Ella needs therapy. THAT is the only solution here. I was wondering what this story would be at the beginning, but it is very clear that Ella is manipulating you and has some serious emotional issues. Not taking pedophilia seriously (I don’t care if you were lucky that nothing happened - it would have had Lana not alerted you) and continuing to blame you years later for a situation that was completely out of your control (sepsis and ICU!) is not healthy. And now she is using these incidents as a weapon to manipulate and make you dance to her tune.
There is literally no winning with Ella and Lana is right. Lana would also be right to be upset if you chose Ella. So focus on the relationship with the child that is morally right and has a healthy attitude of their relationship with you. And it’s only right that you attend her graduation, just like you attended both of Ella’s graduation ceremonies. Lana also sounds like she was pretty affected by all of this, so if is not happening already, please consider therapy for her individually and you jointly.
Also, if Ella pushes back, tell her you ARE being fair - you went to her graduation (both of them) so you shouldn’t skip Lana’s. Her comparison is apples to oranges. Plus, you were already committed to the date because you knew it far in advance. Had she stuck to the original 2025 date, nothing would come in the way of attending that (prior to all of this nonsense). And honestly, she’s highly likely lying about the date. Don’t reward her bad behaviour.
NTA in any way (but you would be if you went to the wedding instead). Ella is the only AH between the three of you, and she has been ever since she defended Adam (who deserves to be in jail).
NTA,
Ella knew damn well what she was doing when she scheduled her wedding on Lana’s graduation. She is vengeful and spiteful.
First, to blame a 14 year old attempted rape victim. Second, to hold onto a grudge for all these years against someone who was not to blame. Third, to plot to ruin her sisters graduation by scheduling her wedding on the same day to make you pick her.
Ella is not mature enough to be married and let’s hope not get pregnant any time soon in the future. Anyone this spiteful, who will blame their underage sister ( a victim) and try to get revenge is capable of turning on their own child and being emotionally abusive toward that child.
You are clearly in a pickle mama as it is obvious that you love both your girls and have gone through life doing right by both of them.
However, in this case…I would go to Lana’s graduation.
She has worked hard for this and she should not be punished because Ella lacks empathy or remorse for how she has treated Lana, blamed Lana unjustly instead of supporting her and lacks the insight to seek treatment.
Ella is a very disturbed young woman…does her fiancé know about the ex’s attempted sexual assault and how Ella blamed Lana?
You may want to clue him in to who is fiancée reallly is?? I would not be surprised if she lied and said Lana tried to steal her ex! He should at least know the truth going into this marriage
You go to the graduation, your youngest didn't pick that day. Your oldest did. but I'd make sure to tell EVERYONE in the entire family about why you can't attend and that the graduation day has been set for months before Ella deliberately chose it. Don't give her a chance to turn the flying monkeys on you. Make no mistake, it was intentional. It sucks you will lose one of your daughters, but your oldest needs to grow up and realize her ex was a pedo child molester to sneak into a 14 year Olds room. It wasn't her fault, and the fact that she's using a time you were in the ICU as an example of favoritism is absolutely ridiculous. Support your youngest, she's the one being wronged by her big sister.
As others have said, call the venue and ask about different dates for proof. Then, have dinner with your daughter and her fiance and lay it out for them. Tell then that you will not support her abuse of her sister, who was a victim of her ex. Tell her that if she decides to cut you all off because of it, then so be it, but you refuse to support someone who blames the victim.
From your title, I was ready to go hard for Ella. Then I read your post. Her reaction to her sister almost being sexually assaulted, in her own home, in the middle of the night by Ella’s boyfriend is disgusting. I’m also convinced she booked it intentionally so Lana couldn’t be there. Go to the high school graduation, Lana will only have one of those. You were in the hospital for Ella’s award, don’t let her guilt you for missing that. It’s time for hard boundaries with Ella. If she chooses to cut you off, that’s her choice.
Honestly I can't get over the fact that you were on a ventilator and sedated and Ella is throwing that in your face as a "this is an important thing you missed for me." Don't let her make you feel even one tint iota bad about that.
100% Ella did this on purpose. Go to Lana's graduation. NTA for being torn between the two. If it comes to light that Ella DID do this to spite Lana, then YTA if you go to her wedding (if it in fact cannot be changed.)
I agree with most of the other remarks and feel like Ella did this deliberately to put you in the situation and make you choose her so that she can hurt Lana.
Ella chose this unlike your daughter. She knew what she was doing.
She sounds like a very manipulative person and totally selfish. Her young sister gets attacked and she shows no empathy towards her and in fact, blames her.
I like the idea of you reaching out directly to the fiancé and letting him know that it’s so unfortunate that the only day available for the wedding is the one that’s already been scheduled for Lana’s graduation.
Give the poor guy a heads up of what he’s marrying into.
It was just too easy for Ella to say that she would go no contact with you, should you choose the graduation over her wedding. It’s like it’s been planned.
Ask Ella’s fiancé why they are in such a rush to get married.
Get some more information on what’s actually going on.
And please go to Lana’s graduation- she’s the real victim here, traumatised by her sister’s creepy bf probably for life and Ella needs to be taught a lesson here.
I think everyone is trying to manipulate OP with their “Ill never speak to you again” threats. She needs to sit them both down and fiancé and they need to have a big ole chat that OP cannot tear herself in two and the position they’re (mostly Ella) are putting her in. I would also call the venue to see if what Ella says about the venue is true.
it's 100% fair for Lana to not want to speak to op if she goes to her sister's wedding. would you want to speak to someone who supported the person who brought your SAer in the house, defended that SA, and blamed you for it?
No, Lana is not wrong at all and it’s not fair for you to say she’s also manipulating him. Her sister’s 19 year old boyfriend tried to sexually assault her and her sister is still trying to punish her for that. Disgusting.
There was a story somewhere recently where a sister deliberately changed the reception date to clash with a sister thing citing venue problems. She was found out and I think the wedding didn't happen
Graduation. Lana has done nothing wrong.
Ella is selfish and self centred. Any one that blames a 14 year old instead of their pedophile boyfriend is not a good person.
Ella is being malicious with picking the wedding date. She defo knew it was her sisters Graduation and to try and guilt trip you into picking her wedding over the Graduation is disgusting.
Ella can change the wedding date. Lana can't change her Graduation.
Let Ella go no contact as it's what she deserves. If you give in to her demands now that's they way it will be for life. She will always try to ruin her sisters big events cause she knows she can get away with it.
NTA. Invite Ella and her fiancé to lunch and lay all your cards on the table. The attempted sexual assault, how she blamed her sister for the break up. That you were basically dying when you missed that one event. That you could do both events that day, that that they could share the day. See if prospective hubby is still on the side of you and her sister are awful when the truth is told.
You failed Lana and have been failing her for years by maintaining close ties to Ella despite her *still blaming Lana for a traumatic event at the hands of her then-partner*.
OP you dedicate paragraph after paragraph to Ella’s feelings after this event.
And like….nothing about Lana. How terrifying that would be. How awful it was for her to know Ella blamed her, a child, for being threatened and sexually harassed in her own home.
You aren’t caught in the middle. You have chosen Ella again and again by entertaining her nasty BS.
If you choose Ella over Lana yet again, YTA.
Ella is the asshole here. And her "big achievement" is super fucking lame on the list of achievements. The fact she still brings up that situation pretty much tells you all you need to know about her.
u/WeddingOrGraduation
You need to call the venue. Ask how their bookings for August looks, if they’re all booked up say something like “Oh man, how long ago did you book August?”. You’ll have your answer.
Ella is horrible blaming an SA victim, poor kid must have had a rough time. Imagine if her reaction was freeze instead of fight- she would have been raped, in her own bed by her sister’s adult boyfriend. I hope she got counseling.
Send this post to Ella and tell her to read the comments. She’s manipulative and if you skip Lana’s graduation you’re letting the manipulation win, that’s not ok. Ella needs therapy
You go to Lana’s graduation.Ella is nothing more than a drama queen.Lana deserves to have her parents at her graduation.You have done way more for Ella.Ella can change the date.Call the venue and if she has lied about the venue expose her.
Ya I think Ella is manipulating you. I would call the venue and confirm the date is real and see if they can move it. I think Ella is testing you all and trying to alienate Lana. I would go to the graduation tho cause Lana is innocent in all this. Ella hates Lana for almost being assaulted by her ex cause she was too naive to believe everyone but her bf. NTA. UPDATEME
You choose the ceremony that is not flexible. The one you have no say in. And that’s graduation. Ella did this on purpose. I do not buy her reasoning for a second. Also, she can just pick another date.
Go to the graduation. Ella made her bed.
YTA for allowing Ella to be a shit human for years. Lana has always been in Ella’s shadow and I can almost guarantee it didn’t start with Adam. Lana just doesn’t tell you all the ways Ella has treated her like shit. You watched Ella blame Lana for an adult man sexually harassing her and you didn’t shut that shit down and put both your girls in therapy.
Don’t call the venue, don’t pay for a different date. Stop trying to pacify Ella in a way that cleans up her mess.
Be a parent and tell Ella and Eric that their wedding is scheduled on Lana’s graduation day and you can no longer allow Ella to abuse Lana. Ella needs therapy to stop blaming a child for what Adam did.
Ella may be a genius, but she’s a terrible human. You’ve enabled it for so long that Lana is telling you she’s going to give up on you.
Lana’s graduation comes first. Full stop. If you choose Ella AGAIN, you deserve to lose Lana for good.
First, you should ask Ella to apologize to Lana for taking her boyfriend side, then when you see her attitude like that, you should’ve taken her to therapy, I still think she needs therapy, I would say wedding more important than graduation, but in Ella case and how she treated you as family for her shitty boyfriend is not acceptable, you should call the venue and ask about their availability like you want to book it, and ask about the date if it was chosen or it just got opened, if you see the have availability before or after that date is it few years like she said, if you see she is lying I would confront her, and tell her that for someone who doesn’t pick their family first and you do that to your sister just because you choose a shitty man to call a boyfriend while he was trying to rap your sister and blame her and still do things on purpose to her, I will not attend neither want you part of my family, if it’s correct what she is saying tell your other daughter about that and show her you checked and there is no date available at the venue and her sister was telling the truth, and tell her if it was the opposite would you want me to miss your wedding.
But to be honest I think Ella did it on purpose and if she didn’t get the help she need with therapy she might struggle her whole life, and even her marriage wont last.
You've not mentioned the father in all of this? Is he around? Because one solution would be for one parent to go the graduation, and one to the wedding.
You do low Ella did that purposely!
YWBTA if you miss Lana's graduation.
You daughter literally has a hatred for her sister b/c her boyfriend at the time tried to go in her sisters room.
I would sit Ella down and tell her she graduated from the same school and knew the graduation date. If she wants you to walk her down the aisle, she needs to change her wedding date. You have promised your youngest daughter her whole life to go to graduation. You are not compromising on it. You had this plan for 18 years and are not changing it. Do not miss your youngest daughter graduation. She will go no contact. You should read the stories of the kids parents who missed their graduation in favor of the other sibling. It breaks my heart for them. You can never make up for missing your daughters graduation. Ella can reschedule her wedding due to her changing the date on such short notice on purpose. Either way, I am afraid you are going to lose contact with one of your daughters. It shouldn't be this way due to jealousy.
Hire a helicopter. They still won't be happy with you but it's such a badass move. And you'll get to attend both. Plus you get to go on a helicopter, and can console yourself with the fact that you did your best for both girls despite being put in a shitty situation by both.
NTA. Ella planned this 100%. She brought a pedo into your house and blamed her FOURTEEN year old sister when he tried to do god knows what in the middle of the night.
You need to speak to Eric and figure out how this happened before making any decisions. Something sounds sketchy.
No matter how that conversation goes, this bride is ruining your family. She sounds prone to irrationality, and that's something you can't argue with.
Sucks to be in your situation.
I would also go as far as contacting the BF and asking him. Ella 100% knew since she graduated in August herself. She is 100% trying to ruin Lana graduation for a pedophile trying to attack her 14 yr old sister.
OP should invite them down for a dinner and lay his/her cards on the table and let there be openness.
Lana's Graduation was scheduled first. That is what you go to. Too many people purposefully try to force a choice by planning a big day on someone else's big day. Tell Ella you are sorry but Lana was on the schedule first and you don't believe her about not knowing.
Ella’s an evil manipulator and wow what an evil sister to supports a predator and the fact you saw him flirt with your 14 year old and didn’t instantly stop that makes me question how much you actually do care for Lana since your fine with that behaviour
Lana has to come first her date is set and she doesn’t get control over that you attended and celebrated all Ella’s graduations
But I get the feeling you back Ella from the big at Lana although she’s not valedictorian your proud. You will loose Lana but think Ella is your favourite
Nta bur Ella is.
She knew when graduation is and she did this on purpose. Just like she throws you being in icu in your face as a stick to beat you with. She’s spiteful and vindictive.
If you pick Ella today you might not loose her today, but you will when she decides oh I don’t know to have a emergency on Lana’s wedding day and you don’t pick her, or your sick so miss a child’s birthday, or that you helped Lana with her baby for 7 days to her 5 days after giving birth. Because that’s who Ella is.
Lana is right, she got blamed for Ella’s predator bf trying to sa her when she was 14 and Ella still blames her now.
Also Lana is picking to have her graduation on his sisters wedding the school picked that day wayyyy before the wedding was booked. Might as well rip the plaster off now with an Ella’s tantrums and enormous ego.
OP just be frank man. You know that she did this deliberately. As a parent and any other parent, we all know that sometimes you have a problematic kid and the longer you are in denial about their character, the more damage you do to your relationship with your other kids. Admit it to yourself that she's simply NOT a good person and she's going out of her way to hurt her sister on purpose. You can and should do 1 or both these things:
1. Call the venue anonymously and check their availability for the next 18 months
2. Call the fiance and have a frank but confidential word with him about this entire mess. If he's a good, honest man, you'll get your answer without even asking the direct question.
Advice? Go to the graduation. This will send a message to both of them that you will not be manipulated based on imaginary slights. You'll always weigh the facts against fiction and DO what you feel is right. NTA
This is a really hard situation, and whatever you decide will end in at least a temporary rift with one of your daughters. This said, I vote for your going to Lana's graduation.
Ella has three counts against her:
When her BF assaulted Lena, she victim-blamed Lana.
She holds it against you that you didn't come to her ceremony, despite the fact you were hospitalized and couldn't come.
She set her wedding on Lena's big day. I can't believe it was unintentional, considering that she is refusing your help in moving the date.
Graduation was scheduled first, wasn’t it? Ella is full of resentment and she will keep testing you to prove that Lana is the favorite. There’s no way she didn’t pick the graduation date deliberately. She will keep pulling this crap until she finds a reason to go nc anyway. You may have already effectively lost Ella, she sounds quite petty, blaming the family for every hardship or sleight she’s ever faced, and actively seeking revenge and deliberately creating issues needlessly for her own sick gratification. Go to graduation. Why give in to Ella’s obvious manipulation when she already hates you all anyway.
Ella planned this.. she’s manipulative and horrible her adult boyfriend assaulted her minor sister and she’s the victim??? You almost died so missed her event… but she’s the victim… go to the graduation and catch her next wedding.. no self respecting man is going to stick around
I need mom to stop being a gullible idiot here. She did this on purpose to force you to choose. She’s still mad that her little rapist bf attacked her sister. She could get married next year. Lana doesn’t get another graduation date.
There is only one side to choose here and it’s Lana.
Wake. Up.
Got to Lana, Ella boyfriend tried to assault her little sister and she got mad at said sister for of course screaming cause she was terrified and you throwing him out to protect your underage KID. Like what the actual hell? Ella 100% did this on purpose to on-up Lana big day
The fact that Ella jumps directly to an ultimatum hints that she did this on purpose. A normal person would be upset that they put their mom and sister in a pinch and would be open to working out something. Maybe not a change of date, but time so everyone could attend both.
For whatever reason, Ella needs you to prove that you love her, even if she is going about it all the wrong ways.
You need to talk to her, suggest family therapy and talk to her fiance about how she is using the wedding (which is his big day too) to create in-fighting.
Talk to Lana about how you will be there for her but you also need to help out Ella because she is obviously hurting! Think rationally about how deeply insecure she has to feel if she thinks her 14 y/o sister “stole” her boyfriend. Ella needs to work with herself before going into marriage.
Ella made her sister spend winter break with a pedophile who tried to sneak into her room at night to do god knows that. You do have favorites because the fact that you let her get away with blaming Lana is insane. Ella is a bully, a male centered one at that and she's in a one sided beef with her highschool sister. She needs therapy, like yesterday.
You would be the AH if you gave into this kind of behavior.
Ella wants you to skip Lana's graduation so she can have a specific wedding venue, not so she can get married. That is far too petty a reason to miss Lana's graduation, which was set first and over which the family has no control. Ella did this for a *venue,* not for her wedding. She had options; Lana didn't.
If they are both forcing you to choose, then choose Lana because her position is far more reasonable than Ella's. This was all totally under Ella's control.
Whatever OP does she has 2 daughters that will never be friends. All special occasions will be ruined by Ella in the future. OP has to assert herself and just say no. If Ella's goes no contact then so be it.
Did Ella ever apologize to Lana for victim blaming a 14 year old?
Or did she think after disappearing everything will magically be normal?
If it's the latter then there definitely is resentment and she most likely did this purposefully
To be honest, Ella is not a good person. What she accuses you and Lana of, including the change of the wedding day, is really shabby of her. Lana's date was the first to be determined. If I were you, I would look for a conversation with Ella and Eric. Ask Eric if he would expect this decision from his mother and brother. Apart from that, Ella doesn't seem to care whether Lana attends the wedding or not. I guess Eric doesn't know all the details of Adam and your hospitalization. I also wonder if he knows 100% what Ella is asking of you. If Ella refuses to postpone the appointment, then choose Lana. Ella is shoveling her own grave at the moment.
Let me put this is perspective.
You overcompensated for your **victim blaming daughter's insecurities** all her life where missing out on her grads for a genuine reason is making you yet again sideline Lana.
**You put the actual victim second** just because she was popular. You let Lana get by in her own based off of that even though both your kids needed you in different ways.
To the point where you are going back on your decision to attend her graduation which was decided on BEFORE Ella got her wedding date.
And btw Ella 100% knows what she is doing. A victim blamer that acts victim and manipulator who projected her insecurities onto Lana all her life.
Sorry that you're in this tough spot, but honestly, I see lana's side. She was almost raped and all her sister could think about was 'I'm losing the first guy to notice me', you were LITERALLY almost dying in the hospital and all Ella could think was 'I can't believe you missed my ceremony' to me this shows a pattern of selfishness and constantly trying to be the victim.
She may be jealous of Lana because she thinks Lana had it easier because she was 'prettier' and more popular, and now that that isn't true anymore (because they're out of high-school) she's gone on hating her for so long now that she needs a new reason, which is why she's crying 'favouritism'.
Honestly, I think you would be TA if you went to Ella's wedding over Lana's graduation because it would show that you will always succumb to Ella's manipulative tactics (that stem from a very immature and quite frankly unwarrantedly vengeful mindset) and Lana will always have to be put second to what her sister wants even if said sister is purposely/blatantly making situations harder than they need to be.
Also, I'm sorry, but I don't think I could ever move past one of my children choosing a pedophile and rapist over their sibling. If Lana hadn't alerted everyone, then think of what could've happened, and I have no doubt that if it had come to light, Ella would've still stuck by him had he not broken up with her.
Ella absolutely planned her wedding that way to force you to choose between them. She is absolutely holding an unwarranted grudge against her sister. She is putting you in a position where you are gonna definitely alienate one of your children.
SHE did that. This is the same daughter who defended a pedophile who tried to assault her sister. Why are you even waffling?
But you made the commitment to go to the graduation first, right? Thats what happens when you plan your wedding on such short notice.
Alternatively: dont go to either.
NTA Ella most definitely did that on purpose and she is holding a grudge.
Send this post to both your daughter's because they're both being brats.
But also y t a because clearly Ella has issues, and it does sound like you never called her out on them and her behaviour.
No matter what you do, Ella is going to pull this on something else. You need to tell her to FO about the Latin award and her pedo boyfriend. Don’t let that bs work at all. She’s is never going to stop trying to manipulate you, especially if it works even one time. NTA
Are you being serious? She’s holding over you missing her achievement because you were in ICU? I honestly want to say Y T A for not getting this girl therapy. Her ex slid into her tweens sister’s room to possibly assault her.
Jfc she’s stunted emotionally.
Actually YTA. This should’ve been dealt with ages ago. Obviously she planned this shit to spite her sister.
Ella is the problem. Go with Lana. It's clear she's manipulating you and her reaction to her ex attempting to assault her sister is disgusting. She'd have to be cut off for that.
NTA needs therapy if she still holding a grudge against her sister and making scenario that you missed of her events, she is unhinged.
If she truly loved Eric and matured, she would have left this Adam business go and asked for her sister's forgiveness for how she reacted.
Is Lana invited to the wedding?
Or only everything about Ella.
I'm sorry to say I seriously don't think Ella is mentally well or she is a extremely selfish narcissist.
She is holding an almost assault against her 14 year old sister.
She also holding an ICU visit against you because you missed an event, I'm sorry if my parent was in the hospital in the Icu I would be at the hospital, not at my event because I love my parent more any event.
I personally think Ella set her new date intentionally to mess with her sister and make you choose between between them. However, setting that aside,
from a practical and "making thing even" perspective you attended Ella's graduation. Now you need to attend Lana's graduation. That is a once in a lifetime event. You owe it to Lana to be there.
I am a single mom of two girls, which it sounds like you are too. I absolutely understand the struggle to be at everything for each girl. It is so hard to always make things equal and not make it look like you're playing favorites. I've always tried to be at everything for both but there was one year my girls were told up front that if there were conflicts I would go to the significant events for my senior in high school. Which I did. There was one day I couldn't be in two places and went with my senior. Now, the youngest will be a senior in HS when her sister is a senior in college. Both know that during that year, my high school senior's events will be the priority if there are date conflicts. Graduating high school is the biggest step your youngest will take before becoming independent. You owe it to her to be there like you were for your oldest.
NTA You should go to the graduation. Ella is definitely manipulating you. Lana’s graduation date was set first, so you already have an obligation that day. End of story.
You need to call Ella out and tell her you won't be blackmailed every time she has an event.
Also, tell her it's disgusting that she is holding your hospitalization over your head that HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH LANA.
Tell her Lana had nothing to do with her pedophile ex, and you will always help and protect both daughters. Really, she owes Lana an apology and that her judgment is clouded because of bullying? Remind her she was 20+ yo and blamed her 14-year-old sis when her ex tried to sexuallt assault her.
Suggest family counseling. Tell her if she cuts you off thats her choice, not yours. She's a grown woman now. She's the one who's playing games with this "test."
You need to write a long email and send to both Ella's AND her fiance (maybe he can talk some sense into her). Write out the above and everyone else's points, he should really know the full picture.
Honestly It's not what you want to hear, but you know Ella's is in the wrong. Go to Lana's graduation and support your youngest. NTA.
Please update, I need to know how this plays out.
Call the location and ask when they have the next free date.
Then call Ella and either tell her "good news, there's another available date" or just call her out on her bullshit.
Or better, just call her future husband.
One of your kids intentionally is an asshole. Which one do you think deserves you being there?
It's very clear that Ella purposely selected this date to prove a point. If you go to her wedding, she'll feel validated, as if you love her more. If you don't go, it'll reinforce her thought that Lana is the favorite. Ella's needs therapy, not to be enabled.
You should absolutely go to Lana's graduation. There's no way Ella didn't know 8/10 was Lana's graduation day. Please do not give into her manipulation.
I’m sorry OP but Ella doesn’t sound like a very good person to me. Your story showed that she is cruel and an incredibly unfair person who holds grudges. I wouldn’t be surprised if she deliberately put you in this situation. Like others have said, I’d call the venue and confirm if what she’s saying is even true. If it isn’t, I’d go to your other daughter’s graduation since she’s the innocent one in this story. Ella needs a big reality check and to grow the fuck up.
Go to the Graduation. Ella is being manipulative. You should just call her out on it. Lay it out bare for her to see. What do you have to lose? She is already planning on going NC with you, it cannot get much worse then that. Maybe write the whole thing out and send it to her in a letter or email. Then go to the Graduation.
NTA. Ella is. She intentionally sent out invitations without telling you about the date conflict first. She’s a major asshole. And if you think the manipulation will stop with the wedding, you are wrong. Ella is blind and determined to throw the Adam situation in your and Lana’s faces FOREVER.
I feel sorry for Eric in all of this as Ella is still clearly hung up on the idea of Adam. And if you are still unclear of the level of petty Ella is capable of, remind yourself she blames you for being in the ICU. Blames.
Send a text or email to Ella AND Eric laying out all of the above, wish them a beautiful life together and RSVP no.
Go to Lana’s graduation.
Ella blames her sister for almost being raped in her own bed in the middle of the night. She blames you for missing an event when you were in the ICU at risk of dying. She almost certainly chose the wedding date intentionally to force you into this choice. She’s probably lying about not being able to book another date. If you don’t go to Lana’s graduation, she will be entirely justified in cutting you out of her life. She’ll never forget the trauma inflicted by her sister’s ex and she’ll never forget you giving into Ella’s manipulation.
Go see Lana graduate. Ella is being petty, manipulative & hateful towards Lana over something she had no control over. She’s testing you bc she knows if you go to her wedding you will lose Lana and that’s exactly what she wants. If she wants to issue ultimatums, she needs to be prepared to follow through.
I do not buy for one second that Ella didn’t know about the graduation date. She’s a liar.
Your daughter sounds like a horrible person. The fact you have somewhat of a relationship with her after her victim blaming when her ex tried to assault her sister. Your daughter needs therapy and help LMAO what a crappy person. Go to the graduation and if she doesn’t want a relationship with you, that’s on her NTA. She also changed the date PURPOSEFULLY. Don’t act like she didn’t. The graduation has never been moved and has been the date since the beginning of the school year
Ella did this on purpose. Definitely. She is playing a game of “who do you love the most” and you and Lana are the victims. Also, her behavior towards her sister who, at worst, almost got raped, and at best, assaulted, by a man she brought into the house. Ella’s behavior is despicable.
I’d vote for Lana’s graduation that was decided first, if you have to choose. You have been to Elle’s, and she could get married another time. Graduation can not be moved.
NTA - tell both girls that you won’t be blackmailed into attending either event.
Book a trip to Vegas for the week of August 10th and leave your phone behind.
Yikes! I'm sorry you're in this situation. I would have to go to Lana's graduation. It was scheduled first *and can not be changed*. I doubt Ella forgot about that date. I think Lana could be right that Ella's still holding a grudge, and I think it's absolutely despicable the way Ella handled Adam's attempted assault on her 14 year old sister. It's disgusting that she took his side and blamed her little sister for it. I do think she deliberately scheduled her wedding on Lana's day for paybacks. But even if it was an accident, her wedding date can be changed and Lana's graduation date can't be. So if Ella really wants you there to walk her down the aisle, then she should change the date. If she refuses, then she's the one choosing for you not to be there. She's choosing to have a particular venue over having you there. She's being a complete asshole.
You must be a brain dead moron if you believe a word your older daughter is saying.
She's a piece of shit who blames a 14 year old for her BF trying to assault her. Fuck Ella and duck you for even being conflicted here.
Tell her she's a disgusting piece of shit and you won't be attending her wedding.
Send this post to your daughter -- I bet she has never heard this side of the story and has been harboring resentment due to a lack of communication.
Tell her that this is how you view the situation. You love both your daughters and currently your daughters are unnecessarily fighting for your attention when this could all be solved with proper communication.
If Ella doesn't go NC now, she probably will later down the line. It's a very common manipulation technique. Sometimes going NC is necessary, but this is vindictive. Her reaction to her BF sneaking into her MINOR sisters room is telling enough. She clearly envies Lana and always has and has held a grudge because of it. Go to the graduation.
NTA - You know dam well Ella moved her wedding to the same day as Lana’s graduation as a “fuck you” to Lana ,right?
Ella is not a good person.
Her baby sister was almost assaulted and she blamed her for it.
Go to Lana’s graduation and accept that Ella is too far gone in her misplaced hatred she has towards your youngest for you to do anything about it at this point.
Lana does not deserve to be put last when she’s hasn’t done anything wrong.
And also stop feeling guilty for missing Ella’s event. You were SICK! And for Ella to throw that in your face just proves what a shit person she is.
NTA
NTAH
Maybe Ella’s fiancé could try to change the date. Invite him over/out with him to chat about what’s going on.
It’s possible that he’s only heard Ella’s twisted version of you and her sister.
Talk to him about the date, about you being in the ICU for one of her major events, and about Ella’s grudge against Lana over her pedo ex boyfriend.
Ella’s the smart one all right. She 100% knows what she’s doing. She’s definitely a misery loves company kind of gal and isn’t happy til everyone else isn’t.
I'm sorry you have been put into this situation. The wedding is a test. If you go to the wedding over the graduation, I guarantee there will be another test, and another until you fail to prove yourself. I've experienced this behavior myself. Don't cave to the manipulation.
NTA. You can't win here. I think Ella's lying. If she uses a cell phone and normally inputs dates in there, this was 100% intentional. She is trying to make you choose between her and Lana. Her being mad at you for missing that one event is aboslutely outrageous. You were hospitalized. What were you supposed to do, have the ICU transport you, while on a ventilator and sedated to the event so you could just lay there and not even be aware of what was going on around you? Then her not blaming Adam for trying to assault her *sleeping, minor sister* is really telling. She's alienating your sister and forcing you to lose a relationship with either her or Lana.
I think I would sit down with her and Eric and explain that they can move the date, Lana can't. They said this was going to happen next year. They're the one who changed it, and again, Lana can't. She is forcing you to choose between her and her sister, and she's holding against you missing an event because you were in the hospital, sedated, on a ventilator, and fighting for your life. I have a sneaking suspicion Eric doesn't know the full story. Ella also knew graduation's in August at this school. She could have made a phone call to either you or Lana to check the date before agreeing to the wedding. There really is no excuse and since she's forcing this choice and forcing you to hurt Lana to keep her happy, you're not going to go to the wedding.
Ella needs counseling, both individual and with you and Lana as a family. If she's doing this, I imagine if it weren't her wedding, she would have found some other way to try and manipulate a way to hurt Lana, whether it was announcing a pregnancy at Lana's wedding or some other hateful, attention grabbing move.
One daughter did nothing wrong other than exist. Another daughter, bullied her for being assaulted in her own home and you apparently havnt dealt with that. That same daughter booked her wedding on the only date her sister couldn’t attend the wedding just to spite her. You know exactly which event you should be going to.
Ella is manipulative bitch OP. Sorry, but she is. She scheduled this knowing Lana had graduation on that day. This is on purpose OP> She is forcing your hand to play "pick me".
Lana needs you there. Lana has done nothing be be a good person. Whereas Ella does underhanded/blame game crap.
UpdateMe
For as smart as Ella is academically, she's pretty stupid on a number of things here. I see nothing other than this being intentional to you and, more importantly, Lana. Ella has the choice and financial ability to change something in her control, Lana is not in control of her event. Go to the graduation. Ella is your daughter but this is most certainly manipulation at its peak. I wouldn't hesitate one but on this.
The asshole here is Ella.
Ella is spiteful. Even if you miss the graduation to go to her wedding, do you think everything will be candy and roses after? No. She will continue to say shit, throw in your face that you dared to almost die on her special day, find other ways to say you favor Lana, etc. Forever and always.
Call the venue yourself. Text Ella and Erik the venue is available x date and you'll gladly pay for it and new invitations. Otherwise, you had already committed to Lana's graduation first, so that is what you will honor. Ella knew the date of the graduation AND she didn't check with the family before finalizing the date. So it's all on her.
You will never win with Ella bc she will always be jealous and petty. So focus on Lana and yourself.
You have already attended Ella’s events. She is holding you emotionally hostage over being in the ICU? Has stated her 14 yo sister tried to steal her pedo BF? Is she delulu?
if you miss your younger daughters graduation you’re the AH. It’s not an all day event. Go the graduation then both head to the wedding.
If Ella can’t understand that she is just proving she is also the AH
NTA. I know we are not getting the whole story. But with the facts we have been given.
Lana blindsided you with the date. People normally talk about the date with the imminent family before siding the contract. Even if the contract needs to be signed quickly. You found out via a mailed invite. Lana is wanting to hurt people. You did not go to the Latina thing because you were very very sick. And she is holding that against you.
Go to dinner with Ella and Eric. And talk to both of them about why you can not attend. Also offer to go to therapy with Ella. She has some issues to work out. She wants hurt her sister the way she feels she has been slighted.
And I say feels because she holding a grudge that you were is the hospital, I’m the ICU, and could not go to a ceremony. Then she is upset that you kicked out a boyfriend that went into her little sister’s room in the middle of the night. The “love of her life” was a pedophile. And she is now marrying someone else. She is mad and you and her sister for a lot. You need some help
No way she forgot when her sister graduated on. To be the exact date. If you go to the wedding you are doing what she wants. She needs therapy a d to grow up.
Yta if you go to the wedding.
Go to the graduation, Ella did this on purpose and you can tell Ella that you can virtually attend her wedding. A man tried to assault her 14 year old sister and Ella blamed the kid. It shows her character that at 19 she tried to blame a child for a grown man’s actions.
Don’t do this to Lana because it would be like punishing her for someone trying to hurt her.
Ella 100% chose that date on purpose.
Ella also still blames her sister, who was 14 years old, for the actions of a perverted asshat.
Honestly, it's clear you need to tell Ella she's getting married without you.
It's not a question.
Lmao you Latina? LMAO ponte los huevos allá abajo y haz un chat de grupo y diles que tú eres su madre y por mas que ellas se peleen tú les cocinaste y les diste vida y así no te van a tratar. LMAO you gringa
Why wouldn’t they run these dates by immediate family first? Isn’t that how this is done? And considering she graduated from the same school, she knew what she would be asking of you. And to bring up missing her achievement in Latin, because you were in the hospital, is totally absurd.
You all had the expectation that it would be the next year, not this year. You offered to cover the cost of switching. Call the venue. If your daughter wants you to walk her down the aisle, it cannot be at the expense of her sister’s milestone HS graduation. I assume you went to your daughter’s HS graduation, took her to first day of college, watched her graduate from college, it is unfair for her to ask you to miss your sister’s HS graduation.
Go to Lana’s graduation. There isn’t any way this wasn’t a mean spirited calculation on Ella’s part. Even if the venue suddenly had an opening a normal, innocent person would have checked their calendar to confirm there wasn’t another event happening on that day. I’m sure you discussed Lana’s graduation date with her before all this too.
This feels 100% like a deliberate act of retaliation against you and Lana.
Both you and Lana are correct. You because you can’t win in this situation and Lana because her sister 💯did this on purpose.
Ella is being manipulative and should be the one to lose out BUT a wedding trumps a graduation IMO.
Can you try talking to Eric about it? He maybe more calm and rational than Ella. NTA and I have no idea what I would do in this situation.
First like many have said. Check with the venue.
Second have a meeting with Lana AND the fiancée. I’m betting he isn’t getting the whole story and if he has siblings will see Ella in a different light.
Third you pick Lana’s graduation. Ella will continue to try and manipulate you forever when comes to anything that may need to include Lana.
Ella is not adult enough to get married based on how she is acting. Her future husband is so screwed.
NTA. Normally I would have said “Between a rock and a hard place” since they are your kids but nope, nope, nope! Not this time. Ella did this to herself and doesn’t deserve you or Lana.
Update me!
Well lets See...
Ella: brought her pedophile Boyfriend into your Home,didn't do anything about him hitting on her then 14 year old sister (you should have thrown him out at that Point already,OP!),BLAMED her sister for her boyfriend being a creep and likely trying to assault her,blamed YOU for sticking Up for your Younger daughter,throws your medical emergency in your face to make you feel guilty about not being there for ONE of her events,guilt trips and manipulates you whenever things don't go her way and likely switched the Date of her wedding so you miss your other daughter's big milestone and Hurt her in the process.
Lana:...is popular and has a Problem with you bending over backwards to Ella's Manipulation and Ella's Treatment towards you both.
Op,i think you know what you should do here.
But just to be sure,NTA if you attend Lana's graduation.
YTA if you Go to the Wedding.
100% i dont believe Ella is being truthful about the date or being booked out. Ask your self does this sound like something Ella would do on purpose to stick it to her kid sister? I can tell you from what i read in your post, it does sound like something she would 100% do. Call the venue, find out your self what their scheduling is like. Her ex almost or pretty much did try to assault your youngest in your home and her reaction speaks volumes. At this point id probably rather just go to Lana's as i know 100% she is innocent in all of this.
Absolutely call the venue and ask if they have any possibility to reschedule and how much they would charge for that. I would also try to call Eric (or a message thread with the two of them). Tell him you are really sorry you are not able to attend at that date, but if they find any other date you will be happy to pay for the venue. Don't say anything negative about your daughters, but that this situation puts your family in a thought spot, and you don't want that to put a damper on their happy day. Talk to Lana. I would go to her graduation as she can not control when it is. Find out if she's okay with other family members attending the wedding (this is a compromise). Then throw her a big graduation/ going away party with the family during the following weekend.
I 100% agree with you. It's really easy for OP to prove that Elle is lying about the wedding venue availability. He could just contact the wedding venue directly and ask them. If she is lying, OP could invite Elle and her fiancé for dinner and expose her for her lies. I bet that her fiancé doesn't know about the situation and should know because Elle's actions speak volumes about her character.
100 % this. After reading everything, not only is Lana completely innocent, but she's also absolutely correct about Ella's actions, grudge holding, and manipulations. The reason I KNOW that Ella holds grudges and is manipulative is because no sane person would accuse their parents of playing favorites for missing an event because they weren't hospitalized. Like the thought of even holding on to that, I get being sad but I would never dream of holding a grudge against a parent and using "Hey remember that time you almost died and missed my event" in random arguments to make them feel bad... again, she uses the fact that OP was hospitalized to make OP feel bad... wtf. Lana is absolutely right, and I truly believe Ella picked this date intentionally to force OPs hand and get back at Lana. Lana is also right that OP needs to stop trying to play devils advocate and call Ella out. It's one thing to try not to play favorites. It's another thing entirely to allow one to basically bully and isolate the other. NTA , if you go to the graduation, but you need to have a SERIOUS conversation with Ella and stop letting her manipulate and twist history to fit her narrative and her "woe is me" sob story. Seriously, she brings up the fact that you were hospitalized to prove her point. She is NOT the kind person you're convinced she is.
No sane person would hold a grudge against her little sister for being the victim of attempted sexual assault. Ella is... not a good person.
Oh, I agree 100%, but since she refuses to believe her sister was almost assaulted, I didn't list it... in this case, she's not a good person bc she refuses to even believe that her BF tried to assault her sister. Ella is not a good person... and I'm curious what her fiancé knows about her/the narrative shes spun. Her mom needs to seriously give Ella a reality check and hopefully in ear shot of her fiancé and lay out on the table that she doesn't talk to her sister because she dated a creepy ephebophile who snuck into her room to attempt who know what and she's mad at her own mother for daring to miss an event because she had the audacity to almost die.
Exactly. I also question her intelligence when she refuses to blame the pervert that attempted to attack her 14 year old sister. She blames a CHILD for “ruining” her first relationship. Seriously, she needs intensive therapy for her bs and jealousy.
Right. If they went to the same school she remembers how they did graduation.
Agreed. 1,000% Ella is full of shit and I’d definitely contact the venue. UpdateMe!
Also, who the hell reschedules their wedding without checking first that their own family can make it?
AND send out the invitations before telling anyone
Yes, indeed! OP has to do some investigation. I have a feeling Ella is not telling the truth.
Totally agree! By the looks of it, Ella is lying. You can confirm to the venue and decide from there. Also, as a mother, I think you have to have a conversation with your daughters and fix whatever is going on between them. I think that will solve your problem if they will make amends.
happy cake day!
Absolutely certain that she double-checked the graduation date before booking the venue. Ella needs help. Like a therapist and maybe meds.
I am willing to believe the venue could be booked full a year or more out. It does happen with popular wedding venues. But I would absolutely verify it before I trust it her word for it. I'd also try to probe into when it was booked for that date. If it was booked a year ago, this was not a last-minute booking. This is intentional drama mongering.
100% Check with the venue OP.
NTA please pick Lana!! Ella is manipulative, jealous and vengeful against her younger sister for reasons out of Lana’s control. This is all a game for Ella, let her go NC and enjoy peace with Lana
The fact she's still blaming Lana over her ex (who was absolutely intending on *sexually assaulting* a 14 year old) is absolutely vile.
No wedding venue would give a discount for a last minute opening in August. That's peak wedding season still.
She also didn't tell her parents about any of the wedding dates, plans or details until it was all set in stone and they would have to choose. She 100% manipulated this situation. It sounds like Ella lost some weight and decided to become the mean girl towards everyone.
Exactly AND that venue is booking out "the next few years", they have a waiting list and no reason to offer "a big discount". That date doesn't work? Then they move on to the next person on the list. Ella absolutely did this on purpose.
It’s not even about lying. It’s about planning things like an adult. BEFORE I picked a date/venue, I called my parents and my sister - the people I NEEDED to be there - and confirmed they were available. My husband did the same. It’s actually how we found out his brother’s wife was pregnant and due a few months before. He said he would come, but he didn’t know if the wife and baby could. Cool. But also don’t piss off your post-partum wife on our account. Kept it open. You surprise people with a date, you can’t be surprised if they have plans already.
Plus, Lana's was scheduled first. Ella can choose between her parent's attendance and her "dream venue". If the place is more important than the people, then that speaks volumes. NTA
NTA. I can’t believe you missed Ella’s “big achievement” because you were septic and on a ventilator. Ella making you feel guilty for almost dying is extremely manipulative. Ella knew what she was doing and 100% scheduled her wedding on the day of Lana’s graduation. Also, you were aware of Lana’s graduation prior to Ella sending out invites.
Yeah, holding something like serious illness over your head is *low*, and I agree that it's extremely manipulative. And like so many others, I'm positive you'll find this is manipulation tactics with the wedding. It's highly likely a deliberate maneuver on Ella's part. I'm with that camp suggesting to call the venue and enquire about the availability of bookings - only because she has put you in such a difficult spot. If Ella is indeed lying, arrange a dinner with her and her fiancé to discuss her actions. Maybe even show her your post here, and the responses as to what people think, especially her holding your illness over you. This daughter is one you will have to tread so carefully with over absolutely *everything* in your future. (You probably already are).
This. Plus, Ella is too manipulative and needy to really cut contact anyway. She needs OP in her life to be a punching bag. OP, please support Lana. BTW, did your daughter's even check on you when you almost died in the hospital?
I have to wonder if this behavior is why Ella didn’t have friend’s in high school?
I would bet Ella contacted the school for the Grady date and THEN scheduled her wedding for that date. That's how manipulative she is. I mean blaming your 14 year old sister for almost getting assaulted by her pedo boyfriend? Go to Lana's. She is the innocent one.
You go to the graduation because your daughter had no control over the date. Ella deliberately scheduled the wedding on the same date. You can show up after the graduation ceremony & be at the reception to celebrate with your older daughter who is trying to manipulate you. NTA for missing the wedding planned on the date of your youngest daughter’s graduation. YWBTA if you miss the graduation.
Yep. It's called a prior commitment and is 100% a valid excuse to miss an event scheduled after you made the commitment.
Honestly I’m petty enough to call the wedding venue to ask about the date change - who requested it, was there a difference in price, how far out they book, was it available on [original wedding date], stuff like that. Then go to the grad
She can’t do both as the wedding is 5 hours away. But she should definitely do the graduation!
This, every step of the way.. OP you are being ta because you have allowed your eldest to consistently abuse her sister for being sexually assaulted in her own home.. for the love of all that is holy stop allowing your eldest to abuse the younger. The older sibling made a conscious CHOICE she does not want her sister there and made it clear that you have to choose. Why on earth would you allow this to continue? Simply explain that you have prior commitments on that date that are set in stone. Her temper tantrum is not acceptable, and you would love to attend her wedding, should she choose to be an adult and schedule her wedding on a day that is not intentionally sabotaging someone else.
I wouldn't choose the one who defended the pedo, just my opinion.
Mine too. If it wasn't for that I'd have said go to neither since that's the only "win" for OP. But, Adam literally hit on a 14 year old and tried to get into her bedroom at night. That's disgusting and such a huge red flag I'll see red for years. And Ella would 100% have stayed with Adam if he didn't break up with her. She supported her boyfriend over her sister who could have been raped that night. Hell no.
Thank God she wasn't because if she had Ella would have said she didn't fight hard enough so must wanted to be raped. Horrible shitty human
I've had people say that to me, that's a sure fire way to make sure a person never speaks to you again.
I doubt Ella would have even believed her if Lana had been raped, she'd just have claimed her little sister "seduced" her poor helpless boyfriend.
Frankly I think OP is an AH for allowing Ella to victim blame Lana, a child, for her bf’s attempted SA. Like….Ella would not be welcome in my home, I would not be interested in further contact, til she sought therapy and figured out that she’s a nasty piece of work.
Came here to say this. The main core of this whole issue is Ella believed her would be rapist ex over all evidence to the contrary. And you know what? Even in the very unlikely chance that Anna did flirt with the boyfriend? Anna was 14. It's rape and pedophilia no matter what. That Ella is angry at her sister for nearly being raped is putrid icing on the vile cake. YTA for not holding Ella more accountable for this at the time and YWBTA for choosing the wedding over the graduation.
NTA. Ella is manipulating you, sorry, but I believe she has intentionally booked that date as the wedding date to push you into a corner and force you pick her over her sister. Then added the cruel threat of cutting you out of her life. She doesn’t even want her sister at her wedding. For goodness sake, the one event you missed was because you were extremely unwell in hospital and she throws it in your face?! I am sorry as I can imagine that this is so hard for you but both events are once in a lifetime events for both of your girls and you have to choose. I think Lana is right and you are being manipulated by Ella. But it doesn’t make this situation any easier for you. How do the rest of your family feel? Also do you have a relationship with Eric’s parents at all?
Let’s talk about the real break in the sister relationship - the Adam thing. Ella brings a first class creep into the home. Tries to hit on Lana. When this would be Rapist tries to break into her room, Ella defends the would be rapist and blames her underage sister. Now Ella “inadvertently” hastily schedules her wedding at the exact time of Lana’s graduation. The position OP is being put in sucks. But this drama was written by Ella. OP seriously needs to stop saying how proud she is of Ella. She may have high grades and lots of awards, but she is not a nice person
Ella is absolutely manipulating OP. And if you give in to this and go to her wedding- it will *for certain* be something else in a year, or whenever. The next time Ella sees an opportunity to manipulate you into "choosing" her over her poor sister she will threaten to cut you out of her life and "go no contact" if you don't bow to her demands. You can't avoid it by placating her. You're not a parent you're a hostage. Draw a line and stand on it. You can't be in both places. Your younger daughter's graduation was **planned first** and you are already obligated to be there. If your older daughter moves her wedding to that date then you can't attend. Period. Moving the wedding was Ella's choice. To think she gets to crap on her younger sister and demand everyone cater to her just so she can have her "dream venue" (barf) is so beyond entitled I can't even see it from here. OP stop letting your older daughter lead you around by the nose. Guilt is the tool she uses to manipulate. Set boundaries and expectations and stick to them. Your older daughter seems to have some kind of psychological problem expressing itself as pathological jealousy of her own sister. Stop ignoring it and stop indulging it. ESH except Lena.
I'll be cruel and say that this probably won't be a once in a lifetime event for Ella if she is as cruel and manipulative as all of us think she is. Maybe the first in her life event, but not a once in her life event. She sounds absolutely immature, for being such a "smart" person. Imagine blaing your kid sister for how creepy your boyfriend is! And then to throw her mother's life-threatning sickness in her face to get her way! Good luck to her future husband and any kids she might have
Graduation gets my vote. Ella clearly is harboring resentment because her BF tried to rape her sister. Her reaction is disgusting. I’m quite convinced Ella chose this date on purpose. I would simply tell Ella that you were already committed to attend the graduation, you are devastated to miss her wedding. Ella will pitch an absolute fit but you can’t punish Lana because Ella is playing games. You play stupid games you win stupid prizes Ella.
Wait-you were in the ICU and missed an awards ceremony but were there for everything else and she’s still mad about that?! This is manipulative and stupid. Go to the graduation. Ella has some unresolved issues.
Choose the one who didn't force you to make this choice. This is all Ella's doing.
The only decision you can make is to go to your daughter's graduation. Ella has booked her wedding on Lana's graduation day on purpose, it's payback because she thinks that her sister is at fault for her ex bf trying to sexually assault her, you have done her no favours by not stopping this behaviour. She needs help, help that you can't provide, help from a professional, because no one in their right mind should be blaming the victim for an assault. If you attend the graduation then NTA. You should send a letter to your daughter's fiance explaining the facts so he can encourage her to seek help, and so he will understand why you aren't attending their wedding. That it's not because you don't want to, but you cannot in good conscience allow Ella to manipulate you into missing Lana's graduation that she knew the date of and purposely booked the wedding on.
NTA. This is Ella's fault she is intentionally causing drama to force you to pick between her and Lana. Updateme
NTA, it's a no win scenario. How I go about "double booking" is usually accepting the invite of the first person who invites me. I would do the following: - check with the venue if they have another opening this year or early next year, just to verify your daughter's story - send an e-mail or a text to your older daughter. Based on the outcome of the previous point it could be "to try to solve the issue, I contacted the venue. Venue X confirmed they are fully booked. I'm sorry if I did anything to make you think you were an afterthought or second best. I've always done my best to be to all your events as well as your sister's and, as you know, the only time I skipped one of your events was because I was in the ICU for two weeks. I don't appreciate you using such a vulnerable moment where I was on a ventilator and sedated as leverage to get what you want. You also know how your and your sister's school works. The date of the graduation has always been the same. While I understand that it could have slipped your mind during wedding planning, it still counts as a prior commitment therefore I have to give it precedence." Or "to find a solution I checked with Venue. Venue told me they still have these slots available. I don't appreciate you trying to force my hand by lying about this. I understand you and your sister don't get along anymore for issues that were neither of your faults, but this is not the kind of behaviour I expected. I'm sorry if I did anything etc". If you have a way to contact her fiancé, you could try explaining the whole situation to him too just to clear the air.
This is a great way to go about the situation! OP should definitely do something along the lines. He needs to have a firm hand with Ella. She’s creating drama
NTA but you have to choose Lana. Her sisters adult boyfriend assaulted her as a minor (even if he didn’t successfully rape her, getting into a 14 year olds bed as a 19 year old is assault). PTSD is not formed from events themselves but how the person feels supported by their community afterwards. As a survivor and someone with PTSD it is incredibly important you show her you are there for her. She did not cause any part of this situation and should not be made to feel that she is at fault here. (I am now NC with my mother because she repeatedly made me feel responsible for my assaults. Going on 4 years and honestly after the way she made me feel, I don’t regret it and I won’t go back, so make sure when you make the choice you can live with it) Whether Ella did this on purpose or not, she should be more understanding. You didn’t skip her event on purpose, you were septic in the hospital. You also had the date of the graduation scheduled first and she knows what time of year it happens as she went to the same school. I know this isn’t an easy decision but there’s really only one choice.
I like this comment, but also PTSD is absolutely formed by the events themselves as well
Agree with the general message of your post but PTSD is much more complicated than not feeling supported by their community.
>PTSD is not formed from events themselves but how the person feels supported by their community afterwards. Maybe it was like that for you but the events themselves can *absolutely* cause PTSD. My PTSD was 100% caused by the event itself. Please don't make blanket claims that your experience is everyone's experience because it's pretty damn invalidating otherwise.
I can see where you mixed up the stats on how PTSD is formed, but the study in question found that PTSD is *more likely* to form when the victim has no support in the aftermath, not that it never happens.
Select the person who did not coerce you into making this decision. It's all Ella's fault.
Sounds like Ella has some serious self esteem issues and its coming through manipulation and jealousy. Lana's just living her life insipte of her sister. You as a Parent should probably have a serious conversation with Ella about her behaviour and address her "issues." And then go for the graduation.
The graduation was scheduled first, technically that is the one you committed to first. Your oldest is being manipulative, and your youngest deserves better.
You elder daughter is being a real mole. She jumps directly to NC as soon as she's finished with her spiel to you about making her wedding. She preempted what you were going to say, and already had a rejoinder set up for you 100%. You're NTA, you're screwed either way to be honest and it's because your eldest is being a twit about it.
The comment section has overwhelmingly sided with Lana and I agree with this wholeheartedly. there are things that your older daughter has done that are manipulative, calculated and vindictive. Kindly support your youngest daughter, attend the graduation, and have a great time. Your oldest seems unhinged and a total bitch for siding with a pedo instead of her sister. Being educated doesn't equate to intelligence because your oldest appears to be living proof that she can't see something that is going wrong in front of her eyes.
NTA Before you decide anything, maybe you could talk to Eric first. Does he know about your daughters' situation? Is there nothing he can do to help? And more importantly, why does Lana think her sister still resents her? You said Ella moved on since the break up, but did she even apologize to you and her sister for siding with her ex-boyfriend? If they can't reach an agreement, choose Lana. While I have a lot of empathy for Ella and her struggles to overcome her lack of confidence, what she did to Lana could have destroyed her. And despite all of this, you still accepted her into your lives, how can she think that she is not loved as much as Lana? Most people would have cut off contact with her after what she said to her sister. The fact that she is now trying to force you to make such a difficult and cruel decision shows how much she still lacks self-confidence. Ella needs therapy. Your daughters both need to talk about what happened that day and how it affected their relationship.
Hi po , your oldest is manipulative and disrespectful as well. She was okay to blame everyone but herself and her poor choice in a partner . She defended a PDF and put the blame on you and your daughter when any sane man would have done the same if not breaking all his bones. Your eldest is manipulative and disgusting I would actually prefer to no longer have a relationship with her until she apologises for her mistakes and takes accountability. You missed her event as you were in no condition to attend but she still blames you for that. She is a horrible person and if you have to favour someone from now on I would say do it for Lana. Your oldest is an adult who plans on becoming a mother if she still doesn't see how wrong she's no need for her in your life. And if she cuts you out accept it and no longer support her in any way. Show her that her hurtful actions have consequences 😔😔
Can’t give an NTA/YTA because of the way you worded your title. I am so sorry that your horrible older daughter is putting you in this position. 100% you need to skip the wedding and go to Lana’s graduation. Ella sounds like a terrible person tbh. I am sure it will be incredibly painful if she follows through on her no contact threat, but she is a conniving manipulator, and you need to draw a line. (I absolutely believe she lied about not remembering the date was Lana’s graduation, too.)
NTA but you will be if you miss the graduation when you know ella planned this so you have to choose Your daughter was almost assaulted yet ella blamed her, to me ella sounds very entitled Lana has worked hard to achieve her graduation ( you said so yourself) so why should she be punished because ella is being selfish and manipulative
First in best dressed op. I teach my daughter that once she has committed to something that is what she has to do. Something better/more fun coming along does not change that commitment. Ella 100% picked the date to make you choose her. If you were in icu I hazard a guess there was a chance you could have died and this manipulative child cannot see beyond trying your make you feel guilty. On top of which she brought a paedophile into your home who almost assaulted/raped her sister and she has the gall to hold this over you and her sister!! Op there is no choice to make here. If Ella wants you at her wedding she knows what to do. Lana is right, I think you do too much for Ella and she abuses you both by behaving like a toddler having a tantrum. Enjoy your daughter’s graduation, she has done incredibly well ti achieve it.
Ella's choice to hold the wedding on Lana's graduation which she knew in advance. I think she is vindictive and manipulative. Holding the fact you missed 1 of her achievements because you were septic in hospital is really off. I'd be going to Lana's graduation guilt free. Ella did this to herself for being inflexible. Clearly Ella doesn't care that her sister won't be able to attend either. She should be thanking Lana for her ending up with Eric instead of Adam and not holding the fact Adam was a creep against her.
NTA go to the graduation. It was scheduled first and the date was picked by the school. I'm pretty sure the wedding date was chosen specifically to do this to you. Don't play the game. If she cuts you off over a problem she created that's her choice. I imagine she'll just keep doing this type of thing and holding a relationship over your head to force your hand. Before you know it she'll be trying to make you choose between your grandkids. Tell her she needs therapy for her low self esteem and victim complex.
Graduation gets my vote Ella knew exactly what she was doing when she booked that date.
Elle is the giant AH. I don’t envy your position, but I think this was definitely planned as an attack on Lana for these reasons: 1) I can believe the venue *could* have contacted her about an earlier available date upon her request to be notified, but they’re DEFINITELY not offering a discount for the date during the summer wedding season. And if they did, any savings she would get would be vastly diminished by having to rush order and book everything else. 2) WHO drastically advances their wedding date from some nebulous “next year” to 2 MONTHS AWAY without first confirming that their closest loved ones (like their parents or the bridal party if there’s one) can attend that date??? If you know anyone who’s in the bridal party, I’d ask them if they were surprised at the sudden date change like you and see what they say. Or ask about the caterer, florist, make up artist, hair stylist, officiant — anything that would need to be booked out in advance during wedding season. My sister had to contact 7 officiants before they found one who could do her wedding date and she did book a year in advance. 2 MONTHS out? Is a friend getting ordained for this? She’s too calm for someone who has to throw a wedding together THAT quickly and you, their parent, has never even heard of it. 3) Given the statements Elle made about Lana, and the history, I HIGHLY doubt that this was just a random date. How far out did you notify her of the graduation date?
THIS!!! This comment should be higher. Updateme!
Ella seems to be a very troubled young woman. I would first call the wedding venue and find out when their first vacancies are. Is it really as full as Ella claims? Then I would decide on my next steps.
OP- have you talked to Eric at all about the conflict in dates? I’m with others that Ella knows exactly what she is doing and that this may not be the only date the venue has available. But I would share your dilemma with Eric and see if he has any solutions or is more willing to changing venues/ dates.
First thing that came to my mind, is, like so many others have said, this date is NOT a coincidence. Ella doesn't sound the type to let something like her sister's graduation 'slip her mind'. Also, has she ever apologised for her behaviour over Adam? Whilst it's absolutely not her fault he did what he did, it most definitely isn't the fault of her sister or you. NTA if you go to Lana's graduation. Also, I'm guessing you'd already said you'd go to Lana's graduation, and Ella did change the date (although, I suspect she booked this date a long time ago, and gave you the wrong date on purpose. Absolutely wouldn't put it past her to have played a 'long con')
NTA the graduation date you have no control over. The wedding date is intentional and a test and she set you up to fail. Call her out on all of that, hold her accountable it’s your job as a parent even if she does cut you off it’s the right thing to do. I’d be sure her spouse is included in this conversation and I’d have it in person. Not over the phone. Also I would contact the venue to confirm if what she is even saying about the dates is true.
I personally dont see both sides, Ella is holding resentment if her boyfriend being creep against Lana, she is holding resentment you couldnt go to her event and wants you to punish Lana for it despite you being in the ICU and once again its not Lanas fault Lana has done nothing wrong and she rightfully accuses Ella of manipulation and that you need to stand up to it There is no way the wedding is not intentionally planned on the same day Have you ever had a sit down conversation with Ella on why its wrong to blame Lana for her creeper ex boyfriend, have you ever taken any steps when she was a minor to get Ella in therapy to work on her confidence If not high time you have a calm conversation with Ella, do not skip Lanas graduation This entire situation is of Ellas making
I’d go to the event of the non-pedo-sympathizer. Ella seems to be a real piece of work for blaming her sister for almost getting raped by her boyfriend and blaming you for being in the ICU at her event. Edit to add: I usually consider a wedding much more important than a high school graduation, but Ella did this on purpose to manipulate you and punish her little sister.
YTA. per your title, IF you skip the graduation It’s funny isn’t it that Ella didn’t tell her own mother about the date change, from a year later to 6 weeks away?!? You find out when you receive a paper invitation in the mail? She didn’t give her mom an immediate excited call ‘hey mom, omg I just SOMEHOW found out venue has an opening in two months let’s hustle to find dresses’. Assuming this story is real (post in general) that’s so unlikely of her. You say when you called about it she’s like too late invitations are out. That would be a planned reason to say too late to change. The whole story is fishy, and you surely know that. This is the girl who blamed her child sister for her boyfriend sneaking into her room. This is the girl who throws a deathly illness in your face for missing something of hers and says it’s an example of favoring Lana. This is a person who will be spiteful about grandchildren access anyway, no matter what you do. You cannot reward this behavior. This heart wrenching decision you’re facing is because of Ella. Even if you think it’s possible she forgot (she didn’t, she would’ve at least called to say hey I know that timeframe likely to be when graduation is, what is the exact date, and she should, have done that) she chose not to. She doesn’t care about her sister being at her wedding obviously either. Seems designed to have her not be there, and to make you choose. WHY would you support that bullshit?
NTA. If i were in your place, I would be going to the graduation or neither event. Lana did nothing wrong. She was the victim when she was young and Ella defended a pedo.
NTA—I have two younger sisters and if a partner of mine harassed them I would be furious. I genuinely cannot fathom taking the predator’s side and expecting sympathy from your family. If Ella is (a) still resenting you for doing what every parent should and protecting Lana from a predator, (b) planning her wedding on a day that she already knew was important to Lana + you, she shouldn’t be surprised when you can’t make it. I’m sorry you’re in this situation though, it sucks. Hope everything goes okay and congratulations to Lana!!
Lana worked her butt off just to graduate. For her to see the culmination of that hard work result in you abandoning her to cater to a narcissistic older sister that will play these games your whole life....that would crush her. Frankly, the best thing for the family is for Ella to simply disappear and find someone else to victimize. How long are you going to spend your life catering to her every whim because she lays an absurd guilt trip on you (a guilt trip that isn't even your fault)? She's basically holding the entire family hostage to get attention and to hurt you, and her little sister. And she'll keep doing it as long as she gets away with it.
Ella needs therapy. THAT is the only solution here. I was wondering what this story would be at the beginning, but it is very clear that Ella is manipulating you and has some serious emotional issues. Not taking pedophilia seriously (I don’t care if you were lucky that nothing happened - it would have had Lana not alerted you) and continuing to blame you years later for a situation that was completely out of your control (sepsis and ICU!) is not healthy. And now she is using these incidents as a weapon to manipulate and make you dance to her tune. There is literally no winning with Ella and Lana is right. Lana would also be right to be upset if you chose Ella. So focus on the relationship with the child that is morally right and has a healthy attitude of their relationship with you. And it’s only right that you attend her graduation, just like you attended both of Ella’s graduation ceremonies. Lana also sounds like she was pretty affected by all of this, so if is not happening already, please consider therapy for her individually and you jointly. Also, if Ella pushes back, tell her you ARE being fair - you went to her graduation (both of them) so you shouldn’t skip Lana’s. Her comparison is apples to oranges. Plus, you were already committed to the date because you knew it far in advance. Had she stuck to the original 2025 date, nothing would come in the way of attending that (prior to all of this nonsense). And honestly, she’s highly likely lying about the date. Don’t reward her bad behaviour. NTA in any way (but you would be if you went to the wedding instead). Ella is the only AH between the three of you, and she has been ever since she defended Adam (who deserves to be in jail).
NTA, Ella knew damn well what she was doing when she scheduled her wedding on Lana’s graduation. She is vengeful and spiteful. First, to blame a 14 year old attempted rape victim. Second, to hold onto a grudge for all these years against someone who was not to blame. Third, to plot to ruin her sisters graduation by scheduling her wedding on the same day to make you pick her. Ella is not mature enough to be married and let’s hope not get pregnant any time soon in the future. Anyone this spiteful, who will blame their underage sister ( a victim) and try to get revenge is capable of turning on their own child and being emotionally abusive toward that child. You are clearly in a pickle mama as it is obvious that you love both your girls and have gone through life doing right by both of them. However, in this case…I would go to Lana’s graduation. She has worked hard for this and she should not be punished because Ella lacks empathy or remorse for how she has treated Lana, blamed Lana unjustly instead of supporting her and lacks the insight to seek treatment. Ella is a very disturbed young woman…does her fiancé know about the ex’s attempted sexual assault and how Ella blamed Lana? You may want to clue him in to who is fiancée reallly is?? I would not be surprised if she lied and said Lana tried to steal her ex! He should at least know the truth going into this marriage
You go to the graduation, your youngest didn't pick that day. Your oldest did. but I'd make sure to tell EVERYONE in the entire family about why you can't attend and that the graduation day has been set for months before Ella deliberately chose it. Don't give her a chance to turn the flying monkeys on you. Make no mistake, it was intentional. It sucks you will lose one of your daughters, but your oldest needs to grow up and realize her ex was a pedo child molester to sneak into a 14 year Olds room. It wasn't her fault, and the fact that she's using a time you were in the ICU as an example of favoritism is absolutely ridiculous. Support your youngest, she's the one being wronged by her big sister. As others have said, call the venue and ask about different dates for proof. Then, have dinner with your daughter and her fiance and lay it out for them. Tell then that you will not support her abuse of her sister, who was a victim of her ex. Tell her that if she decides to cut you all off because of it, then so be it, but you refuse to support someone who blames the victim.
From your title, I was ready to go hard for Ella. Then I read your post. Her reaction to her sister almost being sexually assaulted, in her own home, in the middle of the night by Ella’s boyfriend is disgusting. I’m also convinced she booked it intentionally so Lana couldn’t be there. Go to the high school graduation, Lana will only have one of those. You were in the hospital for Ella’s award, don’t let her guilt you for missing that. It’s time for hard boundaries with Ella. If she chooses to cut you off, that’s her choice.
Honestly I can't get over the fact that you were on a ventilator and sedated and Ella is throwing that in your face as a "this is an important thing you missed for me." Don't let her make you feel even one tint iota bad about that. 100% Ella did this on purpose. Go to Lana's graduation. NTA for being torn between the two. If it comes to light that Ella DID do this to spite Lana, then YTA if you go to her wedding (if it in fact cannot be changed.)
I agree with most of the other remarks and feel like Ella did this deliberately to put you in the situation and make you choose her so that she can hurt Lana. Ella chose this unlike your daughter. She knew what she was doing. She sounds like a very manipulative person and totally selfish. Her young sister gets attacked and she shows no empathy towards her and in fact, blames her. I like the idea of you reaching out directly to the fiancé and letting him know that it’s so unfortunate that the only day available for the wedding is the one that’s already been scheduled for Lana’s graduation. Give the poor guy a heads up of what he’s marrying into.
I'm wondering in Eric knows that their weeding date is also Lana's graduation day 🤔
It was just too easy for Ella to say that she would go no contact with you, should you choose the graduation over her wedding. It’s like it’s been planned. Ask Ella’s fiancé why they are in such a rush to get married. Get some more information on what’s actually going on. And please go to Lana’s graduation- she’s the real victim here, traumatised by her sister’s creepy bf probably for life and Ella needs to be taught a lesson here.
I think everyone is trying to manipulate OP with their “Ill never speak to you again” threats. She needs to sit them both down and fiancé and they need to have a big ole chat that OP cannot tear herself in two and the position they’re (mostly Ella) are putting her in. I would also call the venue to see if what Ella says about the venue is true.
it's 100% fair for Lana to not want to speak to op if she goes to her sister's wedding. would you want to speak to someone who supported the person who brought your SAer in the house, defended that SA, and blamed you for it?
No, Lana is not wrong at all and it’s not fair for you to say she’s also manipulating him. Her sister’s 19 year old boyfriend tried to sexually assault her and her sister is still trying to punish her for that. Disgusting.
There was a story somewhere recently where a sister deliberately changed the reception date to clash with a sister thing citing venue problems. She was found out and I think the wedding didn't happen
Graduation. Lana has done nothing wrong. Ella is selfish and self centred. Any one that blames a 14 year old instead of their pedophile boyfriend is not a good person. Ella is being malicious with picking the wedding date. She defo knew it was her sisters Graduation and to try and guilt trip you into picking her wedding over the Graduation is disgusting. Ella can change the wedding date. Lana can't change her Graduation. Let Ella go no contact as it's what she deserves. If you give in to her demands now that's they way it will be for life. She will always try to ruin her sisters big events cause she knows she can get away with it.
NTA. Invite Ella and her fiancé to lunch and lay all your cards on the table. The attempted sexual assault, how she blamed her sister for the break up. That you were basically dying when you missed that one event. That you could do both events that day, that that they could share the day. See if prospective hubby is still on the side of you and her sister are awful when the truth is told.
You failed Lana and have been failing her for years by maintaining close ties to Ella despite her *still blaming Lana for a traumatic event at the hands of her then-partner*. OP you dedicate paragraph after paragraph to Ella’s feelings after this event. And like….nothing about Lana. How terrifying that would be. How awful it was for her to know Ella blamed her, a child, for being threatened and sexually harassed in her own home. You aren’t caught in the middle. You have chosen Ella again and again by entertaining her nasty BS. If you choose Ella over Lana yet again, YTA.
The graduation was planned first and you committed to go. NTA go to the graduation.
Ella is the asshole here. And her "big achievement" is super fucking lame on the list of achievements. The fact she still brings up that situation pretty much tells you all you need to know about her.
u/WeddingOrGraduation You need to call the venue. Ask how their bookings for August looks, if they’re all booked up say something like “Oh man, how long ago did you book August?”. You’ll have your answer. Ella is horrible blaming an SA victim, poor kid must have had a rough time. Imagine if her reaction was freeze instead of fight- she would have been raped, in her own bed by her sister’s adult boyfriend. I hope she got counseling.
Her sister DID THIS ON PURPOSE. YTA if you do this.
Send this post to Ella and tell her to read the comments. She’s manipulative and if you skip Lana’s graduation you’re letting the manipulation win, that’s not ok. Ella needs therapy
You go to Lana’s graduation.Ella is nothing more than a drama queen.Lana deserves to have her parents at her graduation.You have done way more for Ella.Ella can change the date.Call the venue and if she has lied about the venue expose her.
Ya I think Ella is manipulating you. I would call the venue and confirm the date is real and see if they can move it. I think Ella is testing you all and trying to alienate Lana. I would go to the graduation tho cause Lana is innocent in all this. Ella hates Lana for almost being assaulted by her ex cause she was too naive to believe everyone but her bf. NTA. UPDATEME
You choose the ceremony that is not flexible. The one you have no say in. And that’s graduation. Ella did this on purpose. I do not buy her reasoning for a second. Also, she can just pick another date. Go to the graduation. Ella made her bed.
Ella is a devil, realy
YTA for allowing Ella to be a shit human for years. Lana has always been in Ella’s shadow and I can almost guarantee it didn’t start with Adam. Lana just doesn’t tell you all the ways Ella has treated her like shit. You watched Ella blame Lana for an adult man sexually harassing her and you didn’t shut that shit down and put both your girls in therapy. Don’t call the venue, don’t pay for a different date. Stop trying to pacify Ella in a way that cleans up her mess. Be a parent and tell Ella and Eric that their wedding is scheduled on Lana’s graduation day and you can no longer allow Ella to abuse Lana. Ella needs therapy to stop blaming a child for what Adam did. Ella may be a genius, but she’s a terrible human. You’ve enabled it for so long that Lana is telling you she’s going to give up on you. Lana’s graduation comes first. Full stop. If you choose Ella AGAIN, you deserve to lose Lana for good.
First, you should ask Ella to apologize to Lana for taking her boyfriend side, then when you see her attitude like that, you should’ve taken her to therapy, I still think she needs therapy, I would say wedding more important than graduation, but in Ella case and how she treated you as family for her shitty boyfriend is not acceptable, you should call the venue and ask about their availability like you want to book it, and ask about the date if it was chosen or it just got opened, if you see the have availability before or after that date is it few years like she said, if you see she is lying I would confront her, and tell her that for someone who doesn’t pick their family first and you do that to your sister just because you choose a shitty man to call a boyfriend while he was trying to rap your sister and blame her and still do things on purpose to her, I will not attend neither want you part of my family, if it’s correct what she is saying tell your other daughter about that and show her you checked and there is no date available at the venue and her sister was telling the truth, and tell her if it was the opposite would you want me to miss your wedding. But to be honest I think Ella did it on purpose and if she didn’t get the help she need with therapy she might struggle her whole life, and even her marriage wont last.
You've not mentioned the father in all of this? Is he around? Because one solution would be for one parent to go the graduation, and one to the wedding.
You do low Ella did that purposely! YWBTA if you miss Lana's graduation. You daughter literally has a hatred for her sister b/c her boyfriend at the time tried to go in her sisters room.
NTA - Go to the graduation. Ella purposely scheduled her wedding on her sister's graduation day. Updateme
Ella absolutely, 100% did this on purpose. Don't buy into the manipulation.
I would sit Ella down and tell her she graduated from the same school and knew the graduation date. If she wants you to walk her down the aisle, she needs to change her wedding date. You have promised your youngest daughter her whole life to go to graduation. You are not compromising on it. You had this plan for 18 years and are not changing it. Do not miss your youngest daughter graduation. She will go no contact. You should read the stories of the kids parents who missed their graduation in favor of the other sibling. It breaks my heart for them. You can never make up for missing your daughters graduation. Ella can reschedule her wedding due to her changing the date on such short notice on purpose. Either way, I am afraid you are going to lose contact with one of your daughters. It shouldn't be this way due to jealousy.
Hire a helicopter. They still won't be happy with you but it's such a badass move. And you'll get to attend both. Plus you get to go on a helicopter, and can console yourself with the fact that you did your best for both girls despite being put in a shitty situation by both.
NTA. Ella planned this 100%. She brought a pedo into your house and blamed her FOURTEEN year old sister when he tried to do god knows what in the middle of the night.
Look, Ella blamed a 14 year old that almost got r*ped. We know who is the one that will act like a crazy is, and it's not the popular child.
You need to speak to Eric and figure out how this happened before making any decisions. Something sounds sketchy. No matter how that conversation goes, this bride is ruining your family. She sounds prone to irrationality, and that's something you can't argue with. Sucks to be in your situation.
I would also go as far as contacting the BF and asking him. Ella 100% knew since she graduated in August herself. She is 100% trying to ruin Lana graduation for a pedophile trying to attack her 14 yr old sister. OP should invite them down for a dinner and lay his/her cards on the table and let there be openness.
Lana's Graduation was scheduled first. That is what you go to. Too many people purposefully try to force a choice by planning a big day on someone else's big day. Tell Ella you are sorry but Lana was on the schedule first and you don't believe her about not knowing.
Ella’s an evil manipulator and wow what an evil sister to supports a predator and the fact you saw him flirt with your 14 year old and didn’t instantly stop that makes me question how much you actually do care for Lana since your fine with that behaviour Lana has to come first her date is set and she doesn’t get control over that you attended and celebrated all Ella’s graduations But I get the feeling you back Ella from the big at Lana although she’s not valedictorian your proud. You will loose Lana but think Ella is your favourite
Nta bur Ella is. She knew when graduation is and she did this on purpose. Just like she throws you being in icu in your face as a stick to beat you with. She’s spiteful and vindictive. If you pick Ella today you might not loose her today, but you will when she decides oh I don’t know to have a emergency on Lana’s wedding day and you don’t pick her, or your sick so miss a child’s birthday, or that you helped Lana with her baby for 7 days to her 5 days after giving birth. Because that’s who Ella is. Lana is right, she got blamed for Ella’s predator bf trying to sa her when she was 14 and Ella still blames her now. Also Lana is picking to have her graduation on his sisters wedding the school picked that day wayyyy before the wedding was booked. Might as well rip the plaster off now with an Ella’s tantrums and enormous ego.
OP just be frank man. You know that she did this deliberately. As a parent and any other parent, we all know that sometimes you have a problematic kid and the longer you are in denial about their character, the more damage you do to your relationship with your other kids. Admit it to yourself that she's simply NOT a good person and she's going out of her way to hurt her sister on purpose. You can and should do 1 or both these things: 1. Call the venue anonymously and check their availability for the next 18 months 2. Call the fiance and have a frank but confidential word with him about this entire mess. If he's a good, honest man, you'll get your answer without even asking the direct question. Advice? Go to the graduation. This will send a message to both of them that you will not be manipulated based on imaginary slights. You'll always weigh the facts against fiction and DO what you feel is right. NTA
Sorry she did that on purpose to hurt Luna
Definitely call the venue to confirm Ella’s story.
This is a really hard situation, and whatever you decide will end in at least a temporary rift with one of your daughters. This said, I vote for your going to Lana's graduation. Ella has three counts against her: When her BF assaulted Lena, she victim-blamed Lana. She holds it against you that you didn't come to her ceremony, despite the fact you were hospitalized and couldn't come. She set her wedding on Lena's big day. I can't believe it was unintentional, considering that she is refusing your help in moving the date.
Graduation was scheduled first, wasn’t it? Ella is full of resentment and she will keep testing you to prove that Lana is the favorite. There’s no way she didn’t pick the graduation date deliberately. She will keep pulling this crap until she finds a reason to go nc anyway. You may have already effectively lost Ella, she sounds quite petty, blaming the family for every hardship or sleight she’s ever faced, and actively seeking revenge and deliberately creating issues needlessly for her own sick gratification. Go to graduation. Why give in to Ella’s obvious manipulation when she already hates you all anyway.
I agree with others, your daughter did this deliberately. You should go to the graduation as that date was arranged first. Nta
This is a repost.
Check the venue and then have a discussion with the fiancée present. Lord knows what stories your daughter is feeding him.
Ella planned this.. she’s manipulative and horrible her adult boyfriend assaulted her minor sister and she’s the victim??? You almost died so missed her event… but she’s the victim… go to the graduation and catch her next wedding.. no self respecting man is going to stick around
I need mom to stop being a gullible idiot here. She did this on purpose to force you to choose. She’s still mad that her little rapist bf attacked her sister. She could get married next year. Lana doesn’t get another graduation date. There is only one side to choose here and it’s Lana. Wake. Up.
Got to Lana, Ella boyfriend tried to assault her little sister and she got mad at said sister for of course screaming cause she was terrified and you throwing him out to protect your underage KID. Like what the actual hell? Ella 100% did this on purpose to on-up Lana big day
The fact that Ella jumps directly to an ultimatum hints that she did this on purpose. A normal person would be upset that they put their mom and sister in a pinch and would be open to working out something. Maybe not a change of date, but time so everyone could attend both. For whatever reason, Ella needs you to prove that you love her, even if she is going about it all the wrong ways. You need to talk to her, suggest family therapy and talk to her fiance about how she is using the wedding (which is his big day too) to create in-fighting. Talk to Lana about how you will be there for her but you also need to help out Ella because she is obviously hurting! Think rationally about how deeply insecure she has to feel if she thinks her 14 y/o sister “stole” her boyfriend. Ella needs to work with herself before going into marriage.
Ella made her sister spend winter break with a pedophile who tried to sneak into her room at night to do god knows that. You do have favorites because the fact that you let her get away with blaming Lana is insane. Ella is a bully, a male centered one at that and she's in a one sided beef with her highschool sister. She needs therapy, like yesterday. You would be the AH if you gave into this kind of behavior.
NTA but Ella is. She is manipulating the whole day. I’d choose Lana. UpdateMe!
Ella wants you to skip Lana's graduation so she can have a specific wedding venue, not so she can get married. That is far too petty a reason to miss Lana's graduation, which was set first and over which the family has no control. Ella did this for a *venue,* not for her wedding. She had options; Lana didn't. If they are both forcing you to choose, then choose Lana because her position is far more reasonable than Ella's. This was all totally under Ella's control.
Whatever OP does she has 2 daughters that will never be friends. All special occasions will be ruined by Ella in the future. OP has to assert herself and just say no. If Ella's goes no contact then so be it.
Did Ella ever apologize to Lana for victim blaming a 14 year old? Or did she think after disappearing everything will magically be normal? If it's the latter then there definitely is resentment and she most likely did this purposefully
nta. ella brought home a pedo and got angry at the victim. go to lana’s graduation. it’s not a loss to lose a manipulative person from your life.
NTA, skip the wedding she prioritized a pedo over her own sister she needs to get over herself and go to therapy.
To be honest, Ella is not a good person. What she accuses you and Lana of, including the change of the wedding day, is really shabby of her. Lana's date was the first to be determined. If I were you, I would look for a conversation with Ella and Eric. Ask Eric if he would expect this decision from his mother and brother. Apart from that, Ella doesn't seem to care whether Lana attends the wedding or not. I guess Eric doesn't know all the details of Adam and your hospitalization. I also wonder if he knows 100% what Ella is asking of you. If Ella refuses to postpone the appointment, then choose Lana. Ella is shoveling her own grave at the moment.
Let me put this is perspective. You overcompensated for your **victim blaming daughter's insecurities** all her life where missing out on her grads for a genuine reason is making you yet again sideline Lana. **You put the actual victim second** just because she was popular. You let Lana get by in her own based off of that even though both your kids needed you in different ways. To the point where you are going back on your decision to attend her graduation which was decided on BEFORE Ella got her wedding date. And btw Ella 100% knows what she is doing. A victim blamer that acts victim and manipulator who projected her insecurities onto Lana all her life.
Sorry that you're in this tough spot, but honestly, I see lana's side. She was almost raped and all her sister could think about was 'I'm losing the first guy to notice me', you were LITERALLY almost dying in the hospital and all Ella could think was 'I can't believe you missed my ceremony' to me this shows a pattern of selfishness and constantly trying to be the victim. She may be jealous of Lana because she thinks Lana had it easier because she was 'prettier' and more popular, and now that that isn't true anymore (because they're out of high-school) she's gone on hating her for so long now that she needs a new reason, which is why she's crying 'favouritism'. Honestly, I think you would be TA if you went to Ella's wedding over Lana's graduation because it would show that you will always succumb to Ella's manipulative tactics (that stem from a very immature and quite frankly unwarrantedly vengeful mindset) and Lana will always have to be put second to what her sister wants even if said sister is purposely/blatantly making situations harder than they need to be. Also, I'm sorry, but I don't think I could ever move past one of my children choosing a pedophile and rapist over their sibling. If Lana hadn't alerted everyone, then think of what could've happened, and I have no doubt that if it had come to light, Ella would've still stuck by him had he not broken up with her.
Ella absolutely planned her wedding that way to force you to choose between them. She is absolutely holding an unwarranted grudge against her sister. She is putting you in a position where you are gonna definitely alienate one of your children. SHE did that. This is the same daughter who defended a pedophile who tried to assault her sister. Why are you even waffling?
But you made the commitment to go to the graduation first, right? Thats what happens when you plan your wedding on such short notice. Alternatively: dont go to either.
NTA Ella most definitely did that on purpose and she is holding a grudge. Send this post to both your daughter's because they're both being brats. But also y t a because clearly Ella has issues, and it does sound like you never called her out on them and her behaviour.
No matter what you do, Ella is going to pull this on something else. You need to tell her to FO about the Latin award and her pedo boyfriend. Don’t let that bs work at all. She’s is never going to stop trying to manipulate you, especially if it works even one time. NTA
Are you being serious? She’s holding over you missing her achievement because you were in ICU? I honestly want to say Y T A for not getting this girl therapy. Her ex slid into her tweens sister’s room to possibly assault her. Jfc she’s stunted emotionally. Actually YTA. This should’ve been dealt with ages ago. Obviously she planned this shit to spite her sister.
Ella is the problem. Go with Lana. It's clear she's manipulating you and her reaction to her ex attempting to assault her sister is disgusting. She'd have to be cut off for that.
NTA needs therapy if she still holding a grudge against her sister and making scenario that you missed of her events, she is unhinged. If she truly loved Eric and matured, she would have left this Adam business go and asked for her sister's forgiveness for how she reacted. Is Lana invited to the wedding? Or only everything about Ella. I'm sorry to say I seriously don't think Ella is mentally well or she is a extremely selfish narcissist. She is holding an almost assault against her 14 year old sister. She also holding an ICU visit against you because you missed an event, I'm sorry if my parent was in the hospital in the Icu I would be at the hospital, not at my event because I love my parent more any event.
Talk to both girls together at the same time and make them decide
I personally think Ella set her new date intentionally to mess with her sister and make you choose between between them. However, setting that aside, from a practical and "making thing even" perspective you attended Ella's graduation. Now you need to attend Lana's graduation. That is a once in a lifetime event. You owe it to Lana to be there. I am a single mom of two girls, which it sounds like you are too. I absolutely understand the struggle to be at everything for each girl. It is so hard to always make things equal and not make it look like you're playing favorites. I've always tried to be at everything for both but there was one year my girls were told up front that if there were conflicts I would go to the significant events for my senior in high school. Which I did. There was one day I couldn't be in two places and went with my senior. Now, the youngest will be a senior in HS when her sister is a senior in college. Both know that during that year, my high school senior's events will be the priority if there are date conflicts. Graduating high school is the biggest step your youngest will take before becoming independent. You owe it to her to be there like you were for your oldest.
NTA You should go to the graduation. Ella is definitely manipulating you. Lana’s graduation date was set first, so you already have an obligation that day. End of story.
You need to call Ella out and tell her you won't be blackmailed every time she has an event. Also, tell her it's disgusting that she is holding your hospitalization over your head that HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH LANA. Tell her Lana had nothing to do with her pedophile ex, and you will always help and protect both daughters. Really, she owes Lana an apology and that her judgment is clouded because of bullying? Remind her she was 20+ yo and blamed her 14-year-old sis when her ex tried to sexuallt assault her. Suggest family counseling. Tell her if she cuts you off thats her choice, not yours. She's a grown woman now. She's the one who's playing games with this "test." You need to write a long email and send to both Ella's AND her fiance (maybe he can talk some sense into her). Write out the above and everyone else's points, he should really know the full picture. Honestly It's not what you want to hear, but you know Ella's is in the wrong. Go to Lana's graduation and support your youngest. NTA. Please update, I need to know how this plays out.
Call the location and ask when they have the next free date. Then call Ella and either tell her "good news, there's another available date" or just call her out on her bullshit. Or better, just call her future husband. One of your kids intentionally is an asshole. Which one do you think deserves you being there?
Oowee, I was about to be up in arms in one way, but the creep fiance and the clear vindicativeness... NTA.
It's very clear that Ella purposely selected this date to prove a point. If you go to her wedding, she'll feel validated, as if you love her more. If you don't go, it'll reinforce her thought that Lana is the favorite. Ella's needs therapy, not to be enabled. You should absolutely go to Lana's graduation. There's no way Ella didn't know 8/10 was Lana's graduation day. Please do not give into her manipulation.
I’m sorry OP but Ella doesn’t sound like a very good person to me. Your story showed that she is cruel and an incredibly unfair person who holds grudges. I wouldn’t be surprised if she deliberately put you in this situation. Like others have said, I’d call the venue and confirm if what she’s saying is even true. If it isn’t, I’d go to your other daughter’s graduation since she’s the innocent one in this story. Ella needs a big reality check and to grow the fuck up.
Go to the Graduation. Ella is being manipulative. You should just call her out on it. Lay it out bare for her to see. What do you have to lose? She is already planning on going NC with you, it cannot get much worse then that. Maybe write the whole thing out and send it to her in a letter or email. Then go to the Graduation.
Ella did it out of spite. Go to Lana's graduation
Ella is TAH. Totally. Please enjoy the graduation!
NTA. Ella is. She intentionally sent out invitations without telling you about the date conflict first. She’s a major asshole. And if you think the manipulation will stop with the wedding, you are wrong. Ella is blind and determined to throw the Adam situation in your and Lana’s faces FOREVER. I feel sorry for Eric in all of this as Ella is still clearly hung up on the idea of Adam. And if you are still unclear of the level of petty Ella is capable of, remind yourself she blames you for being in the ICU. Blames. Send a text or email to Ella AND Eric laying out all of the above, wish them a beautiful life together and RSVP no. Go to Lana’s graduation.
Ella blames her sister for almost being raped in her own bed in the middle of the night. She blames you for missing an event when you were in the ICU at risk of dying. She almost certainly chose the wedding date intentionally to force you into this choice. She’s probably lying about not being able to book another date. If you don’t go to Lana’s graduation, she will be entirely justified in cutting you out of her life. She’ll never forget the trauma inflicted by her sister’s ex and she’ll never forget you giving into Ella’s manipulation.
Go see Lana graduate. Ella is being petty, manipulative & hateful towards Lana over something she had no control over. She’s testing you bc she knows if you go to her wedding you will lose Lana and that’s exactly what she wants. If she wants to issue ultimatums, she needs to be prepared to follow through. I do not buy for one second that Ella didn’t know about the graduation date. She’s a liar.
Your daughter sounds like a horrible person. The fact you have somewhat of a relationship with her after her victim blaming when her ex tried to assault her sister. Your daughter needs therapy and help LMAO what a crappy person. Go to the graduation and if she doesn’t want a relationship with you, that’s on her NTA. She also changed the date PURPOSEFULLY. Don’t act like she didn’t. The graduation has never been moved and has been the date since the beginning of the school year
Ella did this on purpose. Definitely. She is playing a game of “who do you love the most” and you and Lana are the victims. Also, her behavior towards her sister who, at worst, almost got raped, and at best, assaulted, by a man she brought into the house. Ella’s behavior is despicable. I’d vote for Lana’s graduation that was decided first, if you have to choose. You have been to Elle’s, and she could get married another time. Graduation can not be moved.
NTA - tell both girls that you won’t be blackmailed into attending either event. Book a trip to Vegas for the week of August 10th and leave your phone behind.
YTA for allowing Ella to blame her 14y/o for trying to steal her boyfriend.
Yikes! I'm sorry you're in this situation. I would have to go to Lana's graduation. It was scheduled first *and can not be changed*. I doubt Ella forgot about that date. I think Lana could be right that Ella's still holding a grudge, and I think it's absolutely despicable the way Ella handled Adam's attempted assault on her 14 year old sister. It's disgusting that she took his side and blamed her little sister for it. I do think she deliberately scheduled her wedding on Lana's day for paybacks. But even if it was an accident, her wedding date can be changed and Lana's graduation date can't be. So if Ella really wants you there to walk her down the aisle, then she should change the date. If she refuses, then she's the one choosing for you not to be there. She's choosing to have a particular venue over having you there. She's being a complete asshole.
Nta go to the graduation. Your older daughter brought a pedophile into your house then tried to defend him cut her out of your life
Ella 100% planned this - she needs therapy- not a wedding. Only someone with something deeply wrong with them defends a pedo
You must be a brain dead moron if you believe a word your older daughter is saying. She's a piece of shit who blames a 14 year old for her BF trying to assault her. Fuck Ella and duck you for even being conflicted here. Tell her she's a disgusting piece of shit and you won't be attending her wedding.
Send this post to your daughter -- I bet she has never heard this side of the story and has been harboring resentment due to a lack of communication. Tell her that this is how you view the situation. You love both your daughters and currently your daughters are unnecessarily fighting for your attention when this could all be solved with proper communication.
If Ella doesn't go NC now, she probably will later down the line. It's a very common manipulation technique. Sometimes going NC is necessary, but this is vindictive. Her reaction to her BF sneaking into her MINOR sisters room is telling enough. She clearly envies Lana and always has and has held a grudge because of it. Go to the graduation.
NTA - You know dam well Ella moved her wedding to the same day as Lana’s graduation as a “fuck you” to Lana ,right? Ella is not a good person. Her baby sister was almost assaulted and she blamed her for it. Go to Lana’s graduation and accept that Ella is too far gone in her misplaced hatred she has towards your youngest for you to do anything about it at this point. Lana does not deserve to be put last when she’s hasn’t done anything wrong. And also stop feeling guilty for missing Ella’s event. You were SICK! And for Ella to throw that in your face just proves what a shit person she is. NTA
NTAH Maybe Ella’s fiancé could try to change the date. Invite him over/out with him to chat about what’s going on. It’s possible that he’s only heard Ella’s twisted version of you and her sister. Talk to him about the date, about you being in the ICU for one of her major events, and about Ella’s grudge against Lana over her pedo ex boyfriend.
Ella’s the smart one all right. She 100% knows what she’s doing. She’s definitely a misery loves company kind of gal and isn’t happy til everyone else isn’t.
I'm sorry you have been put into this situation. The wedding is a test. If you go to the wedding over the graduation, I guarantee there will be another test, and another until you fail to prove yourself. I've experienced this behavior myself. Don't cave to the manipulation.
NTA. You can't win here. I think Ella's lying. If she uses a cell phone and normally inputs dates in there, this was 100% intentional. She is trying to make you choose between her and Lana. Her being mad at you for missing that one event is aboslutely outrageous. You were hospitalized. What were you supposed to do, have the ICU transport you, while on a ventilator and sedated to the event so you could just lay there and not even be aware of what was going on around you? Then her not blaming Adam for trying to assault her *sleeping, minor sister* is really telling. She's alienating your sister and forcing you to lose a relationship with either her or Lana. I think I would sit down with her and Eric and explain that they can move the date, Lana can't. They said this was going to happen next year. They're the one who changed it, and again, Lana can't. She is forcing you to choose between her and her sister, and she's holding against you missing an event because you were in the hospital, sedated, on a ventilator, and fighting for your life. I have a sneaking suspicion Eric doesn't know the full story. Ella also knew graduation's in August at this school. She could have made a phone call to either you or Lana to check the date before agreeing to the wedding. There really is no excuse and since she's forcing this choice and forcing you to hurt Lana to keep her happy, you're not going to go to the wedding. Ella needs counseling, both individual and with you and Lana as a family. If she's doing this, I imagine if it weren't her wedding, she would have found some other way to try and manipulate a way to hurt Lana, whether it was announcing a pregnancy at Lana's wedding or some other hateful, attention grabbing move.
One daughter did nothing wrong other than exist. Another daughter, bullied her for being assaulted in her own home and you apparently havnt dealt with that. That same daughter booked her wedding on the only date her sister couldn’t attend the wedding just to spite her. You know exactly which event you should be going to.
Ella is manipulative bitch OP. Sorry, but she is. She scheduled this knowing Lana had graduation on that day. This is on purpose OP> She is forcing your hand to play "pick me". Lana needs you there. Lana has done nothing be be a good person. Whereas Ella does underhanded/blame game crap. UpdateMe
For as smart as Ella is academically, she's pretty stupid on a number of things here. I see nothing other than this being intentional to you and, more importantly, Lana. Ella has the choice and financial ability to change something in her control, Lana is not in control of her event. Go to the graduation. Ella is your daughter but this is most certainly manipulation at its peak. I wouldn't hesitate one but on this.
Ella knows exactly what She is going. She knows the school and Change the wedding a whole year
You are NTA and this sounds deliberate by Ella. Check Ella’s story. Go to Lana’s grad. Ella needs therapy, quite frankly
The asshole here is Ella. Ella is spiteful. Even if you miss the graduation to go to her wedding, do you think everything will be candy and roses after? No. She will continue to say shit, throw in your face that you dared to almost die on her special day, find other ways to say you favor Lana, etc. Forever and always. Call the venue yourself. Text Ella and Erik the venue is available x date and you'll gladly pay for it and new invitations. Otherwise, you had already committed to Lana's graduation first, so that is what you will honor. Ella knew the date of the graduation AND she didn't check with the family before finalizing the date. So it's all on her. You will never win with Ella bc she will always be jealous and petty. So focus on Lana and yourself.
You have already attended Ella’s events. She is holding you emotionally hostage over being in the ICU? Has stated her 14 yo sister tried to steal her pedo BF? Is she delulu? if you miss your younger daughters graduation you’re the AH. It’s not an all day event. Go the graduation then both head to the wedding. If Ella can’t understand that she is just proving she is also the AH
NTA. I know we are not getting the whole story. But with the facts we have been given. Lana blindsided you with the date. People normally talk about the date with the imminent family before siding the contract. Even if the contract needs to be signed quickly. You found out via a mailed invite. Lana is wanting to hurt people. You did not go to the Latina thing because you were very very sick. And she is holding that against you. Go to dinner with Ella and Eric. And talk to both of them about why you can not attend. Also offer to go to therapy with Ella. She has some issues to work out. She wants hurt her sister the way she feels she has been slighted. And I say feels because she holding a grudge that you were is the hospital, I’m the ICU, and could not go to a ceremony. Then she is upset that you kicked out a boyfriend that went into her little sister’s room in the middle of the night. The “love of her life” was a pedophile. And she is now marrying someone else. She is mad and you and her sister for a lot. You need some help
No way she forgot when her sister graduated on. To be the exact date. If you go to the wedding you are doing what she wants. She needs therapy a d to grow up. Yta if you go to the wedding.
Go to the graduation, Ella did this on purpose and you can tell Ella that you can virtually attend her wedding. A man tried to assault her 14 year old sister and Ella blamed the kid. It shows her character that at 19 she tried to blame a child for a grown man’s actions. Don’t do this to Lana because it would be like punishing her for someone trying to hurt her.
I had a severe case of phenomena myself once..
YTA. Ella did this intentionally, and shame on you for not recognizing that fact. I feel very bad for Lena, but I guess you made your choices.
Ella 100% chose that date on purpose. Ella also still blames her sister, who was 14 years old, for the actions of a perverted asshat. Honestly, it's clear you need to tell Ella she's getting married without you. It's not a question.
Lmao you Latina? LMAO ponte los huevos allá abajo y haz un chat de grupo y diles que tú eres su madre y por mas que ellas se peleen tú les cocinaste y les diste vida y así no te van a tratar. LMAO you gringa
Why wouldn’t they run these dates by immediate family first? Isn’t that how this is done? And considering she graduated from the same school, she knew what she would be asking of you. And to bring up missing her achievement in Latin, because you were in the hospital, is totally absurd. You all had the expectation that it would be the next year, not this year. You offered to cover the cost of switching. Call the venue. If your daughter wants you to walk her down the aisle, it cannot be at the expense of her sister’s milestone HS graduation. I assume you went to your daughter’s HS graduation, took her to first day of college, watched her graduate from college, it is unfair for her to ask you to miss your sister’s HS graduation.
Go to Lana’s graduation. There isn’t any way this wasn’t a mean spirited calculation on Ella’s part. Even if the venue suddenly had an opening a normal, innocent person would have checked their calendar to confirm there wasn’t another event happening on that day. I’m sure you discussed Lana’s graduation date with her before all this too. This feels 100% like a deliberate act of retaliation against you and Lana.
Both you and Lana are correct. You because you can’t win in this situation and Lana because her sister 💯did this on purpose. Ella is being manipulative and should be the one to lose out BUT a wedding trumps a graduation IMO. Can you try talking to Eric about it? He maybe more calm and rational than Ella. NTA and I have no idea what I would do in this situation.
You go to the one you said yes to first.
Family meeting. Involve the fiance.
First like many have said. Check with the venue. Second have a meeting with Lana AND the fiancée. I’m betting he isn’t getting the whole story and if he has siblings will see Ella in a different light. Third you pick Lana’s graduation. Ella will continue to try and manipulate you forever when comes to anything that may need to include Lana. Ella is not adult enough to get married based on how she is acting. Her future husband is so screwed. NTA. Normally I would have said “Between a rock and a hard place” since they are your kids but nope, nope, nope! Not this time. Ella did this to herself and doesn’t deserve you or Lana. Update me!
Well lets See... Ella: brought her pedophile Boyfriend into your Home,didn't do anything about him hitting on her then 14 year old sister (you should have thrown him out at that Point already,OP!),BLAMED her sister for her boyfriend being a creep and likely trying to assault her,blamed YOU for sticking Up for your Younger daughter,throws your medical emergency in your face to make you feel guilty about not being there for ONE of her events,guilt trips and manipulates you whenever things don't go her way and likely switched the Date of her wedding so you miss your other daughter's big milestone and Hurt her in the process. Lana:...is popular and has a Problem with you bending over backwards to Ella's Manipulation and Ella's Treatment towards you both. Op,i think you know what you should do here. But just to be sure,NTA if you attend Lana's graduation. YTA if you Go to the Wedding.