This! I think even if I’d want to, over time my unhappiness would cause damage to the relationship. A truly miserable/unfulfilled person can’t bring what’s needed to survive in a relationship forever.
Yes. I had to walk away and I see a long time of being alone, but im comfortable with that. He hasn't moved on and I'm not sure he will. I just have to trust that if its meant to be it will someday.
Being in a long-term relationship with someone is first and foremost about being compatible in addition to loving that person.
Compatibility absolutely means that compromises are made but a compromise never works if one side is entirely miserable.
Love isn’t everything. And placing your entire happiness on your relationship with someone else isn’t the right thing for everyone. Sure, some people will make it work, but I know other people who *need* more in their lives than a rural farm. They thrive on the energy of big cities, they struggle to cope with not having shops close at hand, they want art, culture, theatre in their lives to feel fulfilled, they have close friendships that they would miss if they lived further away, or their career requires them to work in a city and the commute from a rural area would be hell. People can find meaning in life from all sorts of things and lots of romantic relationships benefit from people finding fulfilment in other areas of their lives. We’re all different, after all
This. It’s also about being away from my family, farming is permanent too so weekends and summer work - I’m in accounting so my busy period is Jan-April but can work remote, farming is busy summer. It’s about where I will be able to send my kids to school
Well... It sounds like he's himself not making that choice for the right reasons. Is he under some family pressure ? Like the duty to be the next generation taking over what his ancestors built ?
To put this in perspective for you, when I was 23 my gf wanted to do tiny house living so I sold everything I owned and bought us a wonderful tiny house that I've grown to love and don't in particular mind where we live while not perfect I don't mind it. She on the other hand informed me after 5 years of living here that she actually hates it and was afraid to bring it up to me because she knew how much I sacrificed and gave up for her first dream. I told her that I'd grind myself into dust to see her smile so if it means selling the tiny house and putting a down payment on a property then so be it. It hurts me to think she has been suffering and was afraid to speak up even though I've never given her a reason to be afraid to speak up.
If he loves you, he will make the change although, I would seriously consider why you want to move out of rural areas because the city is exactly what my gf wants to leave
He may not be wrong. I live in a small city surrounded by farmland. So many people seem to move away, then come back after urban/adventure in their 20s. Many are farm families. In another state, a cousin now in his late 20s has joined my grandparent's old farming operation --4th generation. A few years back, I came across the original mortgage papers and passed them back so they can stay with the land.
The schools around here are terrific --my eldest is stem phd candidate at an R1 and so are a few others from her graduating class.
Land is different. It can be viseral.
It’s the lifestyle change. Your person gets to be the person they want to become in the place they want to be, whereas you will have to compromise who you are and what you do and become someone new, for the sake of the relationship.
How much that matters to a person may vary, but it’s not as simple as “I’ll go where ever you go”
It’s not shallow. People have different things that affect their happiness and satisfaction with life. Ones living environment can have a huge impact on mental and emotional well-being.
Some people really aren't okay with having to take an hour round trip to go grocery shopping. And rural stores often have limited options for food. Can't just order out if you're too tired to cook after work.
Some people like to have friends.
There is no place on Earth that would make me happy if I couldn’t be with my husband. And living with my husband makes anyplace happier. I would never separate from him over a place to live.
This. I’m surprised there aren’t more answers like this. I’m home wherever I’m with my husband and pets. I mean I guess if he wanted to move somewhere extreme like the desert or Antartica or something then that’s different.
I moved to a state I really had no interest in but made sense for the both of us job wise, and now I like it here. I’ve lived in a couple different places in the US and have found that you can adjust and make anywhere feel like home.
My husband and I have a "Plan Z." It's for if everything goes wrong. We will sell our assets, buy a camper van, bring our six cats and 7 pairs of pants each and just drive. It's our way of knowing that whatever happens in life we will still be together. I can't imagine not being with him.
I think its because sometimes people just aren’t compatible with their new area even if they love their partner. People dont want to be miserable. How fast did you adjust? Like I think I’d worry about making friends or being isolated
It took me a couple months to adjust. I haven’t had friends in a long time so I didn’t think about that aspect. Thankfully my family is good about visiting and I’m able to make a lot of trips to see them but I could see that being an issue for other people as well.
It's a rural farm, so it's not a PLACE, it's a JOB. You can be WITH someone anywhere, but OP has to commit to "being a farmer". It's a whole lifestyle, with specific perks and challenges. It'll kill her with resentment if she can't love it.
Yeah this is the importante thing here. I actually think OP should have made that more obvious in the title. It’s one thing to go from living in an apartment in the city to a nice house in the suburbs but everything is the same except the nightlife or whatever, it’s another to take on a 7 day work week full of manual labor on top of your existing job.
No. A big fat no. Love of your life means being compatible on major life decisions. And living condition has a big weight in terms of impact on personal happiness and well-being. I cannot be happy in a relationship if my personal happiness is THAT compromised.
If we are really THAT compatible, we wouldn’t have to pick a place I hate in the first place.
I moved to West Virginia (from New Jersey) for a woman I was in a relationship with for 5 years. We did not even watch TV. Pretty much just talked and read all the time. It was wonderful.
It did not last. West Virginia sucks.
I used this line on someone who proposed to me. Sorry, love does not conquer Texas. And I won’t be long term long distance married to someone who lives 2,000 miles away in fuckin Texas.
Exactly - I can’t in good conscience do anything to make someone I love unhappy and I hope they’d think the same about me. Even seeing my SO upset for one day makes me feel terrible and try to fix it - if they were compromising an aspect of their entire life for me, I could never be comfortable.
>If we are really THAT compatible, we wouldn’t have to pick a place I hate in the first place.
This. I wouldn't want to put the person I love into a situation where they hated where they lived. I expect that same courtesy to be extended to me.
Hard disagree on compatibility. Our hearts can love people who are very incompatible with us.
It takes our brain to say, although this is the love of my life (so far) I cannot do this.
Speaking as a former family lawyer these kinds of massively incompatible compromises made for love often end up being the resentments that turn people who were once in love into the most hateful, bitter enemies in 10 years’ time
These are the kinds of decisions people think love can overcome but they end up being the killing blow to a relationship that ultimately makes you hate the person. You don’t hate them right away but stewing for 10 years over the career you gave up to make the move you not only didn’t want to make but were fundamentally incompatible with as a person can really change somebody for the worse
This is so true.
People all the time “settle” / make incompatible compromises for what they think is love and end up miserable and bitter down the line.
The “Truest love” there is is loving each other in harmony. The partner for me is someone who would never force me to live somewhere I hated forever, they would also be happy about my enthusiastic decision to not have kids, they would be supportive of my life goals, they would accept both my strengths and weaknesses.
Still pretty young and haven’t worked in family law, but I’ve observed more than enough couples to know that what you said is very accurate. So this hypothetical falls apart for me: because the love of a person’s life would not want them to hate where they live in order to be with them.
This is difficult because hometowns usually have the familiarities we grew up with and bring us comfort. This can include old friends and family that may still live there that you want to be close with again.
I really don’t believe that one person (your spouse, primarily) should be the source of your happiness. I mean they’re a big source of happiness, but not the sole source of happiness. Life feels fuller for some when you have the people you love in your life. Just because other people and things make you happy doesn’t take away from the happiness your spouse brings you.
As much as I like the idea of living in a new place every few years, I would feel sad not being able to see friends and family that often. My husband is the same way. We enjoy our time together and love each other very much, but even he would be devastated to be away from his friends and family.
Hell, we even moved to the next town over and we both had a hard time adjusting to not being just 15mins away from a friend/family’s house. It doesn’t mean we aren’t happy with each other’s company. But there is a sadness that comes with being away from the place you’ve spent most of your life in and the people that live there that you spent your time with.
I loved my childhood in a small town (600 people) and then I went to high school in a bigger town (35,000).
I grew up on a farm and would kill to move back to one.
I also moved overseas and lived in England for a couple of years. I had a serious bout of claustrophobia there. Everything was so big and close together. But I adjusted and learned to love it.
I now live in the city nearest my town (200,000) and I really love it. I get a little bit of claustrophobia going back to either of those smaller towns- I always run into several people I know. There’s no anonymity.
I didn’t make any of those moves for love. I did them out of necessity or desire to do something that I’ve always wanted to do.
Humans are really adaptable. You just have to focus on the things you like about where you are.
Not necessarily… I’m a happy person, I take my situation as it is. But the pay in my town is in the 100k- with a home I own in the 100s. If I moved back to my hometown, his pay drops to 60s, with median home prices 300-600k. Happy husband, happy wife? 🙃 we live comfortably here and visit hometown for family friends regularly, and I get to travel.
Definitely no. More to the point, I wouldn't want to see someone I love live somewhere they hate forever.
There are lots of ways to earn a living. No need to live anywhere particular.
The one caveat to this would be a farmer, which it sounds like what OP is dealing with. Land isn't cheap and most of the ones I've met are tied to their location by a long family history/tradition.
same. Stuck in Texas with someone I love. Absolutely hate everything about this place. Moved from the intermountain west, I miss mountains and pine trees so much.
There are different levels of hate. It really depends on where. I hated both New Mexico and Pennsylvania, but I wouldn't leave my love if she wanted to live in Pennsylvania. New Mexico? Have fun with that, I'm staying here.
There seems to be a distinct generational gap.
Older people who have been together forever and are in love would go to the ends of the earth to stay together, even if they HATE where they are.
Younger people wouldn’t sacrifice their own happiness.
As with 99.9999999% of things, the answer lies somewhere in the middle.
You're right about middle ground
No way in hell would I live on a farm. But, I hate the neighborhood we live in. He wanted to buy a house, I didn't particularly, this neighborhood is what we could afford that met certain criteria and here we are. Can't afford to ever buy in the local neighborhoods I'd actually want to live in but at least I can commute to them.
Forever? No. If that person truly loved me, they would care that I hated living there & would be willing to compromise. Resentment will build, and that is not healthy.
If it's something like their work isn't available in an urban/different area, that's a different story... But the partner could at least try to accommodate me somehow.
If they're not willing to even try, that's not love, that's selfishness. Why would I sacrifice my only life & happiness for someone who won't even try?
1. What are the reasons for the move? Job related? Cost of living related? Family member is sick or needing help? Context matters.
2. How rural are you talking? How far to a nearby town?
3. Why do you not want to leave your current residence?
My dad grew up a country boy and moved to a crap hole of a metropolitan city for better job opportunities for my mom. He hated it but put up with and we would go camping or to his parents’ farm so he could get away. He constantly complained about and died in the city they moved to but he never wanted to leave my mom for it.
If your SO is truly the love of your life then sometimes you have to make sacrifices to make things work. Obviously there are somethings people can’t or shouldn’t sacrifice on but if you try to hold out for all your boxes to be checked 100% you may miss out or lose out on some of the best things that could happen in your life.
Yes. 1000000%.
ETA: I lived with my partner for 3 years in his godawful hometown but I sucked it up. Unfortunately we are now 4 hours apart and I feel empty without him in my new house. Luckily he will be moving in soon. It made me realize that I feel at home when I'm with him, regardless where we are.
I would definitely expect some kind of compromise. I love my spouse but if he respected me, he would respect my desire to not live somewhere that would bring me misery. I would do the same for him. If that’s not the case, there’s some compatibility issues there.
My husband and I have been together since we were 16, for almost 13 years now. He wants to get a house while I never really cared for having one. We compromised on searching for a townhouse to start with, and will see how we feel about buying a house in the future.
We also can’t agree on location. He wants to live in a more rural location out in the mountains while I want to live closer to the city, since work is accessible, as well as healthcare, amenities, and public transportation (we only have one car.) I absolutely refuse to live in a rural location, largely because of job security. And we also have a lot of familial obligations (me taking care of parents, him taking care of siblings/grandma since his parents are dead.) Living rurally just doesn’t suite our needs right now.
It’s something we’re still trying to figure out, but it’s looking more and more like suburb living for now, until our family situations stabilize. We currently rent an apartment in the city since it’s accessible to work.
It’s possible the compromise for the both of you could be to do rural living at a later time in your lives. Or agree that it would only be a temporary living situation. But if you really feel that deep down, your living situation would make you resent your partner and cause tension in the relationship, I think there needs to be a serious discussion on compromises. Living environment impacts people and while you can love your partner to the ends of the earth, it’s going to affect you.
Not a chance in hell. But I also love being by myself and love myself, so there is no way I'd ever move some place with my wife if I hated the place, that'd be selfish on her part because we both have to be happy
Hi! I was born in California and also chose to live in Boston. I am big city girl and have been told I give off big city vibes. I would still gladly live on a rural farm with my husband.
We've been married over 13 years and known each other for 15 plus.
I went to the Toby Keith restaurant yesterday with my husband and enjoyed my time with him, despite feeling slightly uncomfortable being the only non-white person in the restaurant. He knows it makes me uncomfortable but I focus on all the other positives such as, good live music (she had a country twang but sang mostly covers of diverse music), good food, and good views of the river.
I live in Oklahoma and I cannot compare it to California or Boston. I don't like it here. But that's okay, my husband usually lets me choose where I want to vacation and it usually is big city bustling vibes (or not).
I really enjoy my job and feel like I am making a difference. I get to say things like, "I want to bring what I learned in Boston here." And (some) people love that. I have encountered really big pricks who hate Californians, it's definitely a thing. I don't care. I'm here. I'm so glad *I* make *you* uncomfortable because yeah, you make me uncomfortable too. But oh well.
Also cost of living is amazing. I can afford almost anything. If lets say I can't, renting it is an option (Airbnb, boats, cars, etc). Who needs to own everything for the rest of their life?
I do worry about where I will retire but my goal is to just stay healthy (which I can afford the expensive gym, spa, salon, chiro visits, etc) so I can travel into my late 80s or at least afford a really really awesome senior community living center and feel like I'm living in a dorm lol (I never had that experience in college).
I've been treated as an outsider in Oklahoma many many times. My husband always makes me feel loved and safe. (He paid for me to go to a self defense class lol, but I forgot everything already).
Doesn't matter where you live unless you can get out when you want a break. Marriage isn't prison (and yes, I joke about divorce).
I like your vibe. I’m also a big city girl with big city vibes (NYC) that lives in a place she doesn’t like.
If you and your hubs ever come down to Dallas, you are more than welcome to give me and my hubs a shout!
There are so many ways to answer this question.
The true love of my life is my child. I have a state government job to provide her stability and her cousins/best friends and beloved grandparents are here.
My responsibility to her shackles me here, and I’ve made my peace with it. But once she is self supporting? I’m gone.
Hating where you live will knaw at you slowly. The longer you are there you will resent the other person for making you move there, in turn most likely causing a divorce.
The so called love of your life is a figment. You think they are the one and only because they fit that positionrigght now, but if you were to stay where you are happy, you will end up finding another love of your life, and be happy where you live. 8 Billion people on tjos planet, you can find someone new, and possibly better.
I would live in bumfuck nowhere, as long as I have my man by my side. He is my happy place, so no matter where I live, I’ll be perfectly fine if he’s there with me ☺️
Yes. You can make a happy home anywhere with the right person, but the happiest place on Earth would feel lonely without them.
If that’s not how you feel, then maybe they aren’t the love of your life after all. I can’t even imagine picking a place to live over my partner.
Yes. We’re a team. I’d never separate from him. Even if the place was something I didn’t like, you can always find a positive out of it as long as you have the right mindset.
I wouldn’t have said so ten years ago. Now I’d follow my husband to hell and back. So for a new relationship - no. For an established one, that’s different.
He wouldn’t make me live somewhere if I hated it, though, and that’s not just theory. We’re from different countries and both expats where we live, and we already changed countries once and probably will again at least twice more.
Moved abroad to study/better my resumé, met the love of my life, got married; now still live here and I really don't like it here, I miss home every day. If this is where I have to be to stay with them, it is what it is. They're learning my native language so we can hopefully live in my home country at some point too, but I'd rather hate where I live than not have them.
Duh
Moved from sf bay area, met my wife In the Boulder Co area
Now live In a pretty small farming town near Nebraska in ne colorado
Love life because my wife and kids are here, life anywhere without them is worthless
My mom did it for my dad. From one of the largest cities in the country to a small town farm. She had her moments, but she loved my dad. I’d do it as well if it’s really love.
I tried it.
I wanted to move 2 years in. He asked me to wait for 4 more.
I did. I said, it's been 4 years, I compromised, let's go.
He said, I need 2 more years.
In fact, he needed 2 more years EVERY 2 years.
I waited for *7 more years.*
He's still there. I live 3k miles away now. I'm *MORE sad* about the lost time, the time I spent miserable, than I am about the lost *12 year relationship*
Please choose yourself.
Ah, the Green Acres question. Yes. Chances are pretty good that if you hate a place that's not a warzone or in a draconian state, province or country the problem is your attitude.
I live in a city right now and I'm country AF. But I make it work. I just go in the backyard and split wood after work and I feel better.
Yes. I’m from Brooklyn, my husband is from Boston, we currently live in NY, but he wants to move to Florida because he loves scuba diving and anything water related. I literally cannot see myself in Florida because of the political climate, but I have agreed to consider it.
This would highly depend on the circumstance. Is your husband required to live on/near the farm? For work or anything like that? If the answer is yes, then absolutely I would stay. No question. But if he has the ability to move and is unwilling to compromise, I'd be taking a real close look at my marriage. Your husband should be taking your life and your happiness into consideration if there is a reasonable way to change the circumstances.
I genuinely don’t know how someone could really be the love of my life if we have such radically different ideas about where we want to live and such an unwillingness to take the other’s feelings into account that we couldn’t reach some kind of compromise
But that’s just me I guess
No. A true match would not insist that you move to a place that you hate. They would seek a compromise, or do the honorable thing and split up after it became clear, through talking about, that the two of you have incompatible desires and needs. Tragic, maybe, but it’s not going to be fun for either of you if one of you is enjoying life and feeling like you’re thriving, and the other is unhappy, and depending on the other to make their life meaningful and happy.
My cousin did this and it was a disaster. Farm was in a very rural area,she had to raise her kids with little to no support . No amenities,no activities,40 miles to a town big enough for a Walmart,super far from hospital or doctors,etc. Recently her husband died of a heart attack partly because they were so far out. Now her kids are a mess,she had to lease out the land (she’s not a farmer) and she’s super depressed. I looked at it this way,her husband’s love of his family farm was top priority even over my cousin.If someone chooses this life you have to go in it knowing it’s going to be rough.
Yes but I wouldn't be happy about it. Been in London for five years because of my partner and hated every second of it but I'll deal with it. Doesn't mean I don't complain every day 😅
So the answer is yes but compromise is important. We're in London because it's the best for work right now, but there's an exit strategy because he cares about my happiness too.
I’m worried I’m going to deal with this in my current relationship.
I was considering moving back across the country, but took a job here instead. Thought of it as temporary before moving back. Soon after, met my current boyfriend, who wants to stay in this part of the country—he actually returned from the other side of the country. Boyfriend is amazing and I can’t imagine leaving him. Ughh
I did this short term, I wouldn’t do it again. Luckily, the move was for a fixed time which is why I agreed to move. It was very depressing and took a toll on our relationship. I was miserable and it caused problems in our relationship. There were even conversations of moving elsewhere. Thankfully, we made it out and are doing much better. But, living somewhere you hate will breed resentment and possibly alter your relationship for the worse.
I couldnt. I tried it for a year and went back home. I was miserable. I am still with the love of my life but we plan to move to a city together that satisfies both of our needs later this year.
If the question was “would you do a long distance relationship w the love of your life while you take over a year to find a place you can both be happy, or else break up” my answer is yes
Im 48, my partner is 43. We figured out how to stay together and I am excited and grateful
There is moving for a defined period of time for a specified purpose which i would consider worth the sacrifice for up to 5 yrs.
But the love of my life would never expect me to live somewhere I hated for the rest of my days, and I would never expect that of them either. A rural farm sounds like an all in forever kind of place. I would love to live on a farm. But I could *never* live in LA or NYC and if my husband insisted I would probably have to separate from him and decide which was worse - living my life without him or living as an accessory to his life.
I'm 38, married 17 yrs. I have strong ideas about how I want our future to look, and when I check in with my husband he says, "I want what you want." As long as I'm there, he's game. So everyone is different and it just depends on how your priorities align.
It depends on how much i hate that place.if i'd be willing to live their for a job for example and i won't be giving up too much by living their .. then maybe. But if I really hate it and will never ever accept going there as a single person, then no.
All I know is that when you give up too much for a relationship you'll resent your partner...
I mean if the other option is not living with my bf then I would hate that place forever. I would choose him over location, but I also know he would want to live somewhere we both could flourish
Wither she goest, so goest I.
Most of our home purchase decisions have factored her need to be close to her mom.
I would have looked at North East for better, more spacious options, but too far from mom.
I moved to a rural village a year ago, having been lived in various sizes of towns and cities all my life. Do I love living here? No. The gossiping, uneducated people don’t necessarily feed my soul… But
My husband inherited a house here from his parents.
So do we keep renting a shitty apartment in the city or move here and make a life for ourselves. In our minds the choice was simple. And i found so much joy in having a house and yard to renovate. I feel like our home is a little oasis, we have each other a dog and a baby on the way. Life is good 🙂
I’ll say one thing. If you end up moving there, you shouldn’t resent your partner for “making you” live there. They didn’t make you, you chose it. Good luck!
I thought you were going to say something like Saudi Arabia or some other oppressive country.
For me farm living would be easy work.
All that said it's totally up to you and your values.
Hell fucking yes I would. I lived in Oklahoma for 6 years to let her finish college, so yes. I can live in hell (Oklahoma was close enough) as long as I have her beside me.
I would rather sit in a bathtub full of scissors and isopropyl alcohol than to make some of the moves I have for my spouse’s sake.
But wherever they are is my home.
Yeah I hate the location we are currently in. HATE IT. We plan on moving as soon as possible, but I had to stay here forever for whatever hypothetical reason that was out of our control- I’d make do with some creativity and making sure I prioritized my mental health, physical and spiritual health.
7 years ago I moved back to (a suburb of) my hometown that I swore on my life I'd never live in ever again after I moved away 20 ish years prior, to be with the love of my life. No regerts.
I would ask for a compromise and do it for 3-4 months to see if it would work out. If it really isn’t for you but they love it than you might have to figure out a way that they can have a farm-type life while you can still have whatever it is that you need. And if not than don’t sacrifice your needs bc in the long term it will keep you wondering about the what if, had you made a hard decision to pick what you truly wanted.
The love of my life? I’d be homeless if it meant I had her. She’d make me happy just by smiling. Anywhere with her is paradise…
(Can you tell she’s with another guy now? Is it obvious my heart aches seeing her happy with someone else?)
Rural farm is the dream for me. I would live in the city for my love though if I had to. I like the country though as visit the city when I want. The noise of traffic is the worst to me.
Farm and cuddles makes a perfect combo. No commuting, noise, pollution, stress. Plus people in the country are more into this family lifestyle, less cheese chasing.
It can be very challenging for a couple on the long run if one has to make a huge sacrifice to allow the other one thrives with no reciprocity hope. Why not considering an in-between ? If he wants to move to the countryside and you can't fathom living there, find a place not too far from a decent city you like and can go to whenever you like ?
If he wants to become a farmer but it's absolutely not your goal, keep a job you like as a compromis. Farming is a very hard life. A very challenging work. It has to be a choice Not something you do for the sake of your loved one.
My ex-husband didn't support me throughout the different jobs I had and in the end I end up making more money than him. What I'm trying to say is things are only temporary it may seem like forever but you may move there and she may not like it or a different opportunity presents itself and you move somewhere else..... Support each other through each other's endeavors.
No, I had to move away from the love of my life. I asked her to come move with me, she said no. She called and cried and asked me to come back, I said no. "come into my life and take care of me" that's bad deal why would I sign up for that? I'm the provider, you come into my life and I take care of you.
No I wouldn’t. My wife would love to live in China (she’s from there). No way in hell am I living there. The country is beautiful, but the way the government and country is run goes against everything I believe in.
As for some place I hate in the US, still no.
I don’t believe there’s only one person on earth you can love. Even if we’re talking about a deep love. I still believe there are multiple people you can have that with (preferably not at the same time).
In reality, it’s possible I *would* put up with it though. Not because I think that’s the right decision but because
1. Sunk cost fallacy. We’ve been together for seven years now. That’s a lot of time to throw away. When I think back on my life, it’s impossible to just pretend like she wasn’t there. She’s a keep part of my experiences in the past several years.
2. Afraid I wouldn’t be able to find someone like her. I’m attracted to her, she’s skinny (sorry, I can’t do chubby girls), she makes a ton of money, she never wanted a wedding or a wedding ring (I’ve always been against the idea of spending a ton of money on jewelry, and I’ve always dreaded the idea of having a wedding, so I lucked out with her), she likes to travel, hike, watch shows with me, etc. If I found another girl I’m sure she could be “better” than my wife in some ways but in other ways she might be much worst (almost certainly she’d have a lower income, she’d probably want a fancy ring and a big wedding, or she’d be chubby which is a non starter)
3. Even if I felt like I could find a girl who’s overall “better” than my wife, I think it’ll take a massive amount of effort going through the dating scene to find this girl, and number two even more effort to make sure I can whoo this girl enough to make sure I lock her down. Fact of the matter is, one of the benefits of marriage is that you don’t have to worry about some small little argument or disagreement screwing up your relationship. Whereas if you’re just dating someone you’re going to be on your best behavior because otherwise they’ll walk away from you without really losing anything. Right now I work at Amazon as a software engineer. I’ve been meaning to leave for another company to get a pay raise, but the interview process is so incredibly soul sucking. I never want to go through it again. That’s how I see the dating scene. I think the casual sex and “new relationship energy” would be fun. But the amount of effort it takes to date people sounds miserable.
So I say all that to say that in theory I would not live in a place I hate, just to be with someone I love. But in reality, I wouldn’t blame you if you did. If I were you, I’d go through hell and high water to find some sort of compromise.
For example maybe she wants to live in that city because all her friends and family are there. But if you dig deeper, maybe it’s only her parents that she really cares about all that much. So in that case if you can find a way for her parents to relocate to another city you like then your wife would naturally go along with it. That might mean you have to financially bankroll her parents. So in that case you have to decide if it’s worth it or not.
Can you agree that it is temporary and chalk it up to an adventure? Meaning share your need to live in other places to be happy , but you can go back? Either way, you need to be open and discuss it. And do not insult the place. Just that your vision was to see and live in lots of exciting places etc… and you hope they can share your desire.
No, couples therapy intern. When you give up parts of yourself to make someone else happy down the road many couples build resentment that destroys their relationship. Obviously there are nuances that help or hinder. If it’s out of no possibility ñets day career opportunities, an agreement to be x number of years and then you choose where to live would lessen the chances of resentment down the road. I say this because if a client says they moved somewhere they hate for their partner it makes me wonder what else do they do that they are not happy with to make them happy. I then asked them why is your happiness second? Are there negotiations in place for what you need. Are your needs being met etc. overall its about not losing yourself in the relationship but the relationship supporting who you want to be as a person.
I guess I do. My husband is in the military; he drags me everywhere he goes. That means I have to find new friends, new jobs, new everything every couple of years, but I have accepted the fact that part of loving him is making this sacrifice.
In theory, as long as there is high speed internet, it is within range of delivery logistics network and basic services and shops at decent quality are present - it's not that bad. But life isn't just about love, but also job, carrier, friends, social endeavors, communities, hobbies, creative pursuits and self-actualisation in general. You might probably consider splitting your time accordingly, find a place you like, schedule and do some things on your own, so you wouldn't missed completely on other aspects of your life - you don't have to do things together all the time anyway and it might be healthy for your relationship from the longer perspective, as you will not be frustrated with place you do not like. It's a small world and traveling is quite easy nowadays. Just talk about it openly, figure out what's what.
Depends. How much do you hate it?
I would have to REALLLLLLY hate it and have had endless convos and attempts to compromise that didn't work. Otherwise, I'd put up with it for sure.
Yes. My husband is my home so I’m home anywhere as long as I’m with him. He was military when we met so I knew going into the relationship we were going to be places we didn’t like and I didn’t care as long as I was with him. We can make any place home.
I think you can’t just rely on one person for happiness - since he’s the only reason to move he has to take on the role of a friend, family member and boyfriend in one
A relationship should involve communication and compromise on both sides. If they won't budge, or consider any option, it is just the beginning of your unhappiness.
Depends on your disposition towards life and relationships, really. I'm a relationship oriented idealist, so I would stay with my partner if we had to live in a dumpster, and I'd just be happy because we're together 🤷🏻♀️ but I get that not everyone feels that way.
What's more problematic to me is if you guys can't find common ground where you agree on an ideal place to live together. If they want to move rural and you like a city better sit down and talk about it in a mature way. Pros and cons of each. Find common ground. Figure out a place that works for both of you.
The point isn't to try to get as close as to your own ideal as possible. It's to understand why their ideal is ideal for them, to understand it fully, and then negotiate it so that your joint future is actually ideal for both of you. If you can not see eye to eye on something like this, it could be a sign of a deeper incompatibility or lack of willingness on one or both sides to compromise selfish ideals for the good of the other or the collective.
But I wouldn't give up if you truly love them and want the best for them. Just keep working through it and try to find something you would both be happy with. Introspect a lot as well to see if the things you seek from a residence are self-centered or relationship-centered and adjust your expectations accordingly. And then communicate with as much respect, care, peace, and open-mindedness as possible for the best chance at a win-win scenario.
I would like to say that the original question is extremely succinct, though, and extra information about why the move was proposed, who proposed it, and why, could change perceptions and judgments of the situation.
No, it would eat you up and the relationship would suffer.
This! I think even if I’d want to, over time my unhappiness would cause damage to the relationship. A truly miserable/unfulfilled person can’t bring what’s needed to survive in a relationship forever.
Yes. I had to walk away and I see a long time of being alone, but im comfortable with that. He hasn't moved on and I'm not sure he will. I just have to trust that if its meant to be it will someday.
Love is sacrifice and if you're with the right person it's worth it.
Being in a long-term relationship with someone is first and foremost about being compatible in addition to loving that person. Compatibility absolutely means that compromises are made but a compromise never works if one side is entirely miserable.
Love isn’t everything. And placing your entire happiness on your relationship with someone else isn’t the right thing for everyone. Sure, some people will make it work, but I know other people who *need* more in their lives than a rural farm. They thrive on the energy of big cities, they struggle to cope with not having shops close at hand, they want art, culture, theatre in their lives to feel fulfilled, they have close friendships that they would miss if they lived further away, or their career requires them to work in a city and the commute from a rural area would be hell. People can find meaning in life from all sorts of things and lots of romantic relationships benefit from people finding fulfilment in other areas of their lives. We’re all different, after all
Right? I can't imagine being so shallow that the house/apartment view matters more to me than the people who surround me at a given place.
It's a rural spot - less about the views more about the opportunities and activities available
And about a career and life change as well if he pictures himself as a farmer...
This. It’s also about being away from my family, farming is permanent too so weekends and summer work - I’m in accounting so my busy period is Jan-April but can work remote, farming is busy summer. It’s about where I will be able to send my kids to school
Was he born on a farm and knows how tolling it is ?
Yes - he doesn’t enjoy it either but thinks he will magically with kids at 30/40 (currently 25)
Well... It sounds like he's himself not making that choice for the right reasons. Is he under some family pressure ? Like the duty to be the next generation taking over what his ancestors built ?
To put this in perspective for you, when I was 23 my gf wanted to do tiny house living so I sold everything I owned and bought us a wonderful tiny house that I've grown to love and don't in particular mind where we live while not perfect I don't mind it. She on the other hand informed me after 5 years of living here that she actually hates it and was afraid to bring it up to me because she knew how much I sacrificed and gave up for her first dream. I told her that I'd grind myself into dust to see her smile so if it means selling the tiny house and putting a down payment on a property then so be it. It hurts me to think she has been suffering and was afraid to speak up even though I've never given her a reason to be afraid to speak up. If he loves you, he will make the change although, I would seriously consider why you want to move out of rural areas because the city is exactly what my gf wants to leave
He may not be wrong. I live in a small city surrounded by farmland. So many people seem to move away, then come back after urban/adventure in their 20s. Many are farm families. In another state, a cousin now in his late 20s has joined my grandparent's old farming operation --4th generation. A few years back, I came across the original mortgage papers and passed them back so they can stay with the land. The schools around here are terrific --my eldest is stem phd candidate at an R1 and so are a few others from her graduating class. Land is different. It can be viseral.
It’s the lifestyle change. Your person gets to be the person they want to become in the place they want to be, whereas you will have to compromise who you are and what you do and become someone new, for the sake of the relationship. How much that matters to a person may vary, but it’s not as simple as “I’ll go where ever you go”
It’s not shallow. People have different things that affect their happiness and satisfaction with life. Ones living environment can have a huge impact on mental and emotional well-being.
Some people really aren't okay with having to take an hour round trip to go grocery shopping. And rural stores often have limited options for food. Can't just order out if you're too tired to cook after work. Some people like to have friends.
There is no place on Earth that would make me happy if I couldn’t be with my husband. And living with my husband makes anyplace happier. I would never separate from him over a place to live.
This. I’m surprised there aren’t more answers like this. I’m home wherever I’m with my husband and pets. I mean I guess if he wanted to move somewhere extreme like the desert or Antartica or something then that’s different. I moved to a state I really had no interest in but made sense for the both of us job wise, and now I like it here. I’ve lived in a couple different places in the US and have found that you can adjust and make anywhere feel like home.
My husband and I have a "Plan Z." It's for if everything goes wrong. We will sell our assets, buy a camper van, bring our six cats and 7 pairs of pants each and just drive. It's our way of knowing that whatever happens in life we will still be together. I can't imagine not being with him.
I think its because sometimes people just aren’t compatible with their new area even if they love their partner. People dont want to be miserable. How fast did you adjust? Like I think I’d worry about making friends or being isolated
It took me a couple months to adjust. I haven’t had friends in a long time so I didn’t think about that aspect. Thankfully my family is good about visiting and I’m able to make a lot of trips to see them but I could see that being an issue for other people as well.
God I hope my wife would say the same thing
☝️☝️
It's a rural farm, so it's not a PLACE, it's a JOB. You can be WITH someone anywhere, but OP has to commit to "being a farmer". It's a whole lifestyle, with specific perks and challenges. It'll kill her with resentment if she can't love it.
Yeah this is the importante thing here. I actually think OP should have made that more obvious in the title. It’s one thing to go from living in an apartment in the city to a nice house in the suburbs but everything is the same except the nightlife or whatever, it’s another to take on a 7 day work week full of manual labor on top of your existing job.
If my partner wanted to move out of the city that would be a breakup for me.
Hah well that definately isnt true for everyone and also OP dis not say "husband/wife" at anypoint so no indication they are married.
No. A big fat no. Love of your life means being compatible on major life decisions. And living condition has a big weight in terms of impact on personal happiness and well-being. I cannot be happy in a relationship if my personal happiness is THAT compromised. If we are really THAT compatible, we wouldn’t have to pick a place I hate in the first place.
Agree 100%. Love does not conquer all.
I moved to West Virginia (from New Jersey) for a woman I was in a relationship with for 5 years. We did not even watch TV. Pretty much just talked and read all the time. It was wonderful. It did not last. West Virginia sucks.
I used this line on someone who proposed to me. Sorry, love does not conquer Texas. And I won’t be long term long distance married to someone who lives 2,000 miles away in fuckin Texas.
Exactly - I can’t in good conscience do anything to make someone I love unhappy and I hope they’d think the same about me. Even seeing my SO upset for one day makes me feel terrible and try to fix it - if they were compromising an aspect of their entire life for me, I could never be comfortable.
Yep, where you live plays huge part in your overall happiness.
>If we are really THAT compatible, we wouldn’t have to pick a place I hate in the first place. This. I wouldn't want to put the person I love into a situation where they hated where they lived. I expect that same courtesy to be extended to me.
Hard disagree on compatibility. Our hearts can love people who are very incompatible with us. It takes our brain to say, although this is the love of my life (so far) I cannot do this.
Speaking as a former family lawyer these kinds of massively incompatible compromises made for love often end up being the resentments that turn people who were once in love into the most hateful, bitter enemies in 10 years’ time These are the kinds of decisions people think love can overcome but they end up being the killing blow to a relationship that ultimately makes you hate the person. You don’t hate them right away but stewing for 10 years over the career you gave up to make the move you not only didn’t want to make but were fundamentally incompatible with as a person can really change somebody for the worse
This is so true. People all the time “settle” / make incompatible compromises for what they think is love and end up miserable and bitter down the line. The “Truest love” there is is loving each other in harmony. The partner for me is someone who would never force me to live somewhere I hated forever, they would also be happy about my enthusiastic decision to not have kids, they would be supportive of my life goals, they would accept both my strengths and weaknesses. Still pretty young and haven’t worked in family law, but I’ve observed more than enough couples to know that what you said is very accurate. So this hypothetical falls apart for me: because the love of a person’s life would not want them to hate where they live in order to be with them.
Why isn't the love of your life interested in living someplace that would make you happier?
Because your hometown doesn't have his work industry and we'd be broke there 😭 Fair point but it's just not that simple a lot of the time.
If the only place you'll be happy is your hometown, then you are the source of the unhappiness
This is difficult because hometowns usually have the familiarities we grew up with and bring us comfort. This can include old friends and family that may still live there that you want to be close with again. I really don’t believe that one person (your spouse, primarily) should be the source of your happiness. I mean they’re a big source of happiness, but not the sole source of happiness. Life feels fuller for some when you have the people you love in your life. Just because other people and things make you happy doesn’t take away from the happiness your spouse brings you. As much as I like the idea of living in a new place every few years, I would feel sad not being able to see friends and family that often. My husband is the same way. We enjoy our time together and love each other very much, but even he would be devastated to be away from his friends and family. Hell, we even moved to the next town over and we both had a hard time adjusting to not being just 15mins away from a friend/family’s house. It doesn’t mean we aren’t happy with each other’s company. But there is a sadness that comes with being away from the place you’ve spent most of your life in and the people that live there that you spent your time with.
I loved my childhood in a small town (600 people) and then I went to high school in a bigger town (35,000). I grew up on a farm and would kill to move back to one. I also moved overseas and lived in England for a couple of years. I had a serious bout of claustrophobia there. Everything was so big and close together. But I adjusted and learned to love it. I now live in the city nearest my town (200,000) and I really love it. I get a little bit of claustrophobia going back to either of those smaller towns- I always run into several people I know. There’s no anonymity. I didn’t make any of those moves for love. I did them out of necessity or desire to do something that I’ve always wanted to do. Humans are really adaptable. You just have to focus on the things you like about where you are.
This is really helpful thank you
Not necessarily… I’m a happy person, I take my situation as it is. But the pay in my town is in the 100k- with a home I own in the 100s. If I moved back to my hometown, his pay drops to 60s, with median home prices 300-600k. Happy husband, happy wife? 🙃 we live comfortably here and visit hometown for family friends regularly, and I get to travel.
This is me. This is my life. Love my husband. Hate my location. Thought it was only going to be 10 years… we’re almost at 12.
Definitely no. More to the point, I wouldn't want to see someone I love live somewhere they hate forever. There are lots of ways to earn a living. No need to live anywhere particular.
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The one caveat to this would be a farmer, which it sounds like what OP is dealing with. Land isn't cheap and most of the ones I've met are tied to their location by a long family history/tradition.
It’s common to fall for someone who has children with an ex that keep them anchored to one place.
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same. Stuck in Texas with someone I love. Absolutely hate everything about this place. Moved from the intermountain west, I miss mountains and pine trees so much.
My long distance boyfriend wants me to join him in Texas. I'm . . . not sure
hard pass
Stay with us. Resist. Long distance boyfriends trying to trick their women into moving to TX must be a new podcast trend or MLM or something.
Sass a frass and your darn tootin
There are different levels of hate. It really depends on where. I hated both New Mexico and Pennsylvania, but I wouldn't leave my love if she wanted to live in Pennsylvania. New Mexico? Have fun with that, I'm staying here.
There seems to be a distinct generational gap. Older people who have been together forever and are in love would go to the ends of the earth to stay together, even if they HATE where they are. Younger people wouldn’t sacrifice their own happiness. As with 99.9999999% of things, the answer lies somewhere in the middle.
You're right about middle ground No way in hell would I live on a farm. But, I hate the neighborhood we live in. He wanted to buy a house, I didn't particularly, this neighborhood is what we could afford that met certain criteria and here we are. Can't afford to ever buy in the local neighborhoods I'd actually want to live in but at least I can commute to them.
Old people live a shitty life mostly anyway so where they live doesn’t matter as they’ll probably just do the same shit everywhere
Yes, but not without the security and commitment of marriage 🤷♀️
I married the love of my life at 20, married 34 years and I’d follow him to the ends of the earth.
Forever? No. If that person truly loved me, they would care that I hated living there & would be willing to compromise. Resentment will build, and that is not healthy. If it's something like their work isn't available in an urban/different area, that's a different story... But the partner could at least try to accommodate me somehow. If they're not willing to even try, that's not love, that's selfishness. Why would I sacrifice my only life & happiness for someone who won't even try?
No, if I truly hated it, couldn't adjust, wasn't comfortable, I wouldn't.
1. What are the reasons for the move? Job related? Cost of living related? Family member is sick or needing help? Context matters. 2. How rural are you talking? How far to a nearby town? 3. Why do you not want to leave your current residence? My dad grew up a country boy and moved to a crap hole of a metropolitan city for better job opportunities for my mom. He hated it but put up with and we would go camping or to his parents’ farm so he could get away. He constantly complained about and died in the city they moved to but he never wanted to leave my mom for it. If your SO is truly the love of your life then sometimes you have to make sacrifices to make things work. Obviously there are somethings people can’t or shouldn’t sacrifice on but if you try to hold out for all your boxes to be checked 100% you may miss out or lose out on some of the best things that could happen in your life.
Yes. 1000000%. ETA: I lived with my partner for 3 years in his godawful hometown but I sucked it up. Unfortunately we are now 4 hours apart and I feel empty without him in my new house. Luckily he will be moving in soon. It made me realize that I feel at home when I'm with him, regardless where we are.
I would definitely expect some kind of compromise. I love my spouse but if he respected me, he would respect my desire to not live somewhere that would bring me misery. I would do the same for him. If that’s not the case, there’s some compatibility issues there. My husband and I have been together since we were 16, for almost 13 years now. He wants to get a house while I never really cared for having one. We compromised on searching for a townhouse to start with, and will see how we feel about buying a house in the future. We also can’t agree on location. He wants to live in a more rural location out in the mountains while I want to live closer to the city, since work is accessible, as well as healthcare, amenities, and public transportation (we only have one car.) I absolutely refuse to live in a rural location, largely because of job security. And we also have a lot of familial obligations (me taking care of parents, him taking care of siblings/grandma since his parents are dead.) Living rurally just doesn’t suite our needs right now. It’s something we’re still trying to figure out, but it’s looking more and more like suburb living for now, until our family situations stabilize. We currently rent an apartment in the city since it’s accessible to work. It’s possible the compromise for the both of you could be to do rural living at a later time in your lives. Or agree that it would only be a temporary living situation. But if you really feel that deep down, your living situation would make you resent your partner and cause tension in the relationship, I think there needs to be a serious discussion on compromises. Living environment impacts people and while you can love your partner to the ends of the earth, it’s going to affect you.
Not a chance in hell. But I also love being by myself and love myself, so there is no way I'd ever move some place with my wife if I hated the place, that'd be selfish on her part because we both have to be happy
I would wonder why "the love of my life" was uncompromising about living somewhere I hate.
My first thought was a common reason nowadays being they have kids with someone with shared custody and can't leave.
This is my situation.
This should be a conversation of compromise.
I dislike where I am, I dislike my inlaws, and I want to move out of state. With that said I love my wife and child. So I grit my teeth and stay.
Hi! I was born in California and also chose to live in Boston. I am big city girl and have been told I give off big city vibes. I would still gladly live on a rural farm with my husband. We've been married over 13 years and known each other for 15 plus. I went to the Toby Keith restaurant yesterday with my husband and enjoyed my time with him, despite feeling slightly uncomfortable being the only non-white person in the restaurant. He knows it makes me uncomfortable but I focus on all the other positives such as, good live music (she had a country twang but sang mostly covers of diverse music), good food, and good views of the river. I live in Oklahoma and I cannot compare it to California or Boston. I don't like it here. But that's okay, my husband usually lets me choose where I want to vacation and it usually is big city bustling vibes (or not). I really enjoy my job and feel like I am making a difference. I get to say things like, "I want to bring what I learned in Boston here." And (some) people love that. I have encountered really big pricks who hate Californians, it's definitely a thing. I don't care. I'm here. I'm so glad *I* make *you* uncomfortable because yeah, you make me uncomfortable too. But oh well. Also cost of living is amazing. I can afford almost anything. If lets say I can't, renting it is an option (Airbnb, boats, cars, etc). Who needs to own everything for the rest of their life? I do worry about where I will retire but my goal is to just stay healthy (which I can afford the expensive gym, spa, salon, chiro visits, etc) so I can travel into my late 80s or at least afford a really really awesome senior community living center and feel like I'm living in a dorm lol (I never had that experience in college). I've been treated as an outsider in Oklahoma many many times. My husband always makes me feel loved and safe. (He paid for me to go to a self defense class lol, but I forgot everything already). Doesn't matter where you live unless you can get out when you want a break. Marriage isn't prison (and yes, I joke about divorce).
I like your vibe. I’m also a big city girl with big city vibes (NYC) that lives in a place she doesn’t like. If you and your hubs ever come down to Dallas, you are more than welcome to give me and my hubs a shout!
There are so many ways to answer this question. The true love of my life is my child. I have a state government job to provide her stability and her cousins/best friends and beloved grandparents are here. My responsibility to her shackles me here, and I’ve made my peace with it. But once she is self supporting? I’m gone.
I feel like if this is the love of my life there should be room for compromise on both sides.....
Hating where you live will knaw at you slowly. The longer you are there you will resent the other person for making you move there, in turn most likely causing a divorce. The so called love of your life is a figment. You think they are the one and only because they fit that positionrigght now, but if you were to stay where you are happy, you will end up finding another love of your life, and be happy where you live. 8 Billion people on tjos planet, you can find someone new, and possibly better.
You stay with the love of your life no matter what.
...even if the "love of your life" refuses to compromise on living somewhere you hate?
So, living life single by the California coastline, or in a relationship in some shithole in Flint Michigan? I’m taking the California life haha
I do that now
Of course, I’d live in the worst place with him. But I don’t think he’d ever make me? Because he loves me too
Yes.
Yes. My husband is home to me..
I would live in bumfuck nowhere, as long as I have my man by my side. He is my happy place, so no matter where I live, I’ll be perfectly fine if he’s there with me ☺️
If it's the love of your life he could compromise for you the way you compromise for him
Yes, I’d love my wife more than any house. I’d make it work. I’m lacking the love of my life part, though.
Did it. Military spouse for 22 years, now retired. We both like where we are now.
Home is with my husband. I could be anywhere with him and be happy. Though I’d be slightly happier if we didn’t live where we do 😂
Yes
Yes. You can make a happy home anywhere with the right person, but the happiest place on Earth would feel lonely without them. If that’s not how you feel, then maybe they aren’t the love of your life after all. I can’t even imagine picking a place to live over my partner.
Absolutely.
I’m obsessed with my husband. I always tell him we could live in the middle of nowhere and Id still be happy just to be with him.
I’d live anywhere for the love of my life.
I’d do anything for the right person
Oh yes.
Yea.
Yes, I would
Yes. We’re a team. I’d never separate from him. Even if the place was something I didn’t like, you can always find a positive out of it as long as you have the right mindset.
I wouldn’t have said so ten years ago. Now I’d follow my husband to hell and back. So for a new relationship - no. For an established one, that’s different. He wouldn’t make me live somewhere if I hated it, though, and that’s not just theory. We’re from different countries and both expats where we live, and we already changed countries once and probably will again at least twice more.
Moved abroad to study/better my resumé, met the love of my life, got married; now still live here and I really don't like it here, I miss home every day. If this is where I have to be to stay with them, it is what it is. They're learning my native language so we can hopefully live in my home country at some point too, but I'd rather hate where I live than not have them.
Duh Moved from sf bay area, met my wife In the Boulder Co area Now live In a pretty small farming town near Nebraska in ne colorado Love life because my wife and kids are here, life anywhere without them is worthless
That’s an easy yes for me
I’ve hated Texas since we moved here a decade ago. So I guess my answer is yes.
My mom did it for my dad. From one of the largest cities in the country to a small town farm. She had her moments, but she loved my dad. I’d do it as well if it’s really love.
I tried it. I wanted to move 2 years in. He asked me to wait for 4 more. I did. I said, it's been 4 years, I compromised, let's go. He said, I need 2 more years. In fact, he needed 2 more years EVERY 2 years. I waited for *7 more years.* He's still there. I live 3k miles away now. I'm *MORE sad* about the lost time, the time I spent miserable, than I am about the lost *12 year relationship* Please choose yourself.
Nope
yes
Yes.
Is it somewhere you could adjust to?
Yes
Yup 100%
1000% yes I would. My partner makes me happier than any place would.
Home is where my heart is, so as long as I'm with him. Wherever he is
Yes. Absolutely.
Lol yes. My husband is from the same city as me and most of our family is here so we’re stuck 😹😹😹
I would. If I had a love of my life lol
No
Not if it was forever. I hope there would be some compromise.
I’m going through the same situation now! It’s hard. Very unhappy where we are living and he doesn’t want to move away from his family
No. Someone that loves you wouldn't expect you to live somewhere that makes you unhappy.
Ah, the Green Acres question. Yes. Chances are pretty good that if you hate a place that's not a warzone or in a draconian state, province or country the problem is your attitude. I live in a city right now and I'm country AF. But I make it work. I just go in the backyard and split wood after work and I feel better.
Yes. I’m from Brooklyn, my husband is from Boston, we currently live in NY, but he wants to move to Florida because he loves scuba diving and anything water related. I literally cannot see myself in Florida because of the political climate, but I have agreed to consider it.
This would highly depend on the circumstance. Is your husband required to live on/near the farm? For work or anything like that? If the answer is yes, then absolutely I would stay. No question. But if he has the ability to move and is unwilling to compromise, I'd be taking a real close look at my marriage. Your husband should be taking your life and your happiness into consideration if there is a reasonable way to change the circumstances.
I genuinely don’t know how someone could really be the love of my life if we have such radically different ideas about where we want to live and such an unwillingness to take the other’s feelings into account that we couldn’t reach some kind of compromise But that’s just me I guess
No. A true match would not insist that you move to a place that you hate. They would seek a compromise, or do the honorable thing and split up after it became clear, through talking about, that the two of you have incompatible desires and needs. Tragic, maybe, but it’s not going to be fun for either of you if one of you is enjoying life and feeling like you’re thriving, and the other is unhappy, and depending on the other to make their life meaningful and happy.
My cousin did this and it was a disaster. Farm was in a very rural area,she had to raise her kids with little to no support . No amenities,no activities,40 miles to a town big enough for a Walmart,super far from hospital or doctors,etc. Recently her husband died of a heart attack partly because they were so far out. Now her kids are a mess,she had to lease out the land (she’s not a farmer) and she’s super depressed. I looked at it this way,her husband’s love of his family farm was top priority even over my cousin.If someone chooses this life you have to go in it knowing it’s going to be rough.
Are you married or dating?
Yes but I wouldn't be happy about it. Been in London for five years because of my partner and hated every second of it but I'll deal with it. Doesn't mean I don't complain every day 😅 So the answer is yes but compromise is important. We're in London because it's the best for work right now, but there's an exit strategy because he cares about my happiness too.
I’m worried I’m going to deal with this in my current relationship. I was considering moving back across the country, but took a job here instead. Thought of it as temporary before moving back. Soon after, met my current boyfriend, who wants to stay in this part of the country—he actually returned from the other side of the country. Boyfriend is amazing and I can’t imagine leaving him. Ughh
I'm doing it now! 🤡
I did this short term, I wouldn’t do it again. Luckily, the move was for a fixed time which is why I agreed to move. It was very depressing and took a toll on our relationship. I was miserable and it caused problems in our relationship. There were even conversations of moving elsewhere. Thankfully, we made it out and are doing much better. But, living somewhere you hate will breed resentment and possibly alter your relationship for the worse.
I couldnt. I tried it for a year and went back home. I was miserable. I am still with the love of my life but we plan to move to a city together that satisfies both of our needs later this year. If the question was “would you do a long distance relationship w the love of your life while you take over a year to find a place you can both be happy, or else break up” my answer is yes Im 48, my partner is 43. We figured out how to stay together and I am excited and grateful
Did you ever watch Green Acres?
Not the love of Ur life if it's a question
There is moving for a defined period of time for a specified purpose which i would consider worth the sacrifice for up to 5 yrs. But the love of my life would never expect me to live somewhere I hated for the rest of my days, and I would never expect that of them either. A rural farm sounds like an all in forever kind of place. I would love to live on a farm. But I could *never* live in LA or NYC and if my husband insisted I would probably have to separate from him and decide which was worse - living my life without him or living as an accessory to his life. I'm 38, married 17 yrs. I have strong ideas about how I want our future to look, and when I check in with my husband he says, "I want what you want." As long as I'm there, he's game. So everyone is different and it just depends on how your priorities align.
Yes. I however would want to be self sufficient.
I am currently doing that but hope to move before Florida floods
No.
Nope
It depends on how much i hate that place.if i'd be willing to live their for a job for example and i won't be giving up too much by living their .. then maybe. But if I really hate it and will never ever accept going there as a single person, then no. All I know is that when you give up too much for a relationship you'll resent your partner...
Bridges of Madison County
I mean if the other option is not living with my bf then I would hate that place forever. I would choose him over location, but I also know he would want to live somewhere we both could flourish
No
Wither she goest, so goest I. Most of our home purchase decisions have factored her need to be close to her mom. I would have looked at North East for better, more spacious options, but too far from mom.
That would depend. Is it a hell forced upon both of us, or is she forcing it upon me?
I moved to a rural village a year ago, having been lived in various sizes of towns and cities all my life. Do I love living here? No. The gossiping, uneducated people don’t necessarily feed my soul… But My husband inherited a house here from his parents. So do we keep renting a shitty apartment in the city or move here and make a life for ourselves. In our minds the choice was simple. And i found so much joy in having a house and yard to renovate. I feel like our home is a little oasis, we have each other a dog and a baby on the way. Life is good 🙂 I’ll say one thing. If you end up moving there, you shouldn’t resent your partner for “making you” live there. They didn’t make you, you chose it. Good luck!
No . Happiness needs to be equal
No. I tried.
I thought you were going to say something like Saudi Arabia or some other oppressive country. For me farm living would be easy work. All that said it's totally up to you and your values.
Currently doing it...
Hell fucking yes I would. I lived in Oklahoma for 6 years to let her finish college, so yes. I can live in hell (Oklahoma was close enough) as long as I have her beside me.
I would rather sit in a bathtub full of scissors and isopropyl alcohol than to make some of the moves I have for my spouse’s sake. But wherever they are is my home.
I’m doing that now lol Well not really forever, but at least u til my stepdaughter moves out of our house.. and she’s 5
Yeah I hate the location we are currently in. HATE IT. We plan on moving as soon as possible, but I had to stay here forever for whatever hypothetical reason that was out of our control- I’d make do with some creativity and making sure I prioritized my mental health, physical and spiritual health.
7 years ago I moved back to (a suburb of) my hometown that I swore on my life I'd never live in ever again after I moved away 20 ish years prior, to be with the love of my life. No regerts.
If the person I’m with wants me to live somewhere I hate, they’re not the love of my life.
The way I see it, the love of my life would not want me to forever live somewhere I hate.
No. And I put my money where my mouth was. Some regrets, but not many to be honest.
I would ask for a compromise and do it for 3-4 months to see if it would work out. If it really isn’t for you but they love it than you might have to figure out a way that they can have a farm-type life while you can still have whatever it is that you need. And if not than don’t sacrifice your needs bc in the long term it will keep you wondering about the what if, had you made a hard decision to pick what you truly wanted.
The love of my life? I’d be homeless if it meant I had her. She’d make me happy just by smiling. Anywhere with her is paradise… (Can you tell she’s with another guy now? Is it obvious my heart aches seeing her happy with someone else?)
Hate is a strong word, but it sounds like the choice is be with the love of your life but miserable or without them happy.
No. I don't believe in the concept of love of your life either.
I would go anywhere with my husband. He makes any place feel like home. Home isn't a building or place. It's the memories and who you share them with.
No. You should never sacrifice your own happiness for anyone or stagnate in a situation you’re depressed in.
Yes
Almost moved to Oklahoma. So yes.
Rural farm is the dream for me. I would live in the city for my love though if I had to. I like the country though as visit the city when I want. The noise of traffic is the worst to me.
Farm and cuddles makes a perfect combo. No commuting, noise, pollution, stress. Plus people in the country are more into this family lifestyle, less cheese chasing.
i would be happy anywhere my spouse is bc they are my home where they are i am, if i didnt have them id just die
It can be very challenging for a couple on the long run if one has to make a huge sacrifice to allow the other one thrives with no reciprocity hope. Why not considering an in-between ? If he wants to move to the countryside and you can't fathom living there, find a place not too far from a decent city you like and can go to whenever you like ? If he wants to become a farmer but it's absolutely not your goal, keep a job you like as a compromis. Farming is a very hard life. A very challenging work. It has to be a choice Not something you do for the sake of your loved one.
My ex-husband didn't support me throughout the different jobs I had and in the end I end up making more money than him. What I'm trying to say is things are only temporary it may seem like forever but you may move there and she may not like it or a different opportunity presents itself and you move somewhere else..... Support each other through each other's endeavors.
No, I had to move away from the love of my life. I asked her to come move with me, she said no. She called and cried and asked me to come back, I said no. "come into my life and take care of me" that's bad deal why would I sign up for that? I'm the provider, you come into my life and I take care of you.
Yeah. Already don’t like where I live.. would be alot better with a distraction
No I wouldn’t. My wife would love to live in China (she’s from there). No way in hell am I living there. The country is beautiful, but the way the government and country is run goes against everything I believe in. As for some place I hate in the US, still no. I don’t believe there’s only one person on earth you can love. Even if we’re talking about a deep love. I still believe there are multiple people you can have that with (preferably not at the same time). In reality, it’s possible I *would* put up with it though. Not because I think that’s the right decision but because 1. Sunk cost fallacy. We’ve been together for seven years now. That’s a lot of time to throw away. When I think back on my life, it’s impossible to just pretend like she wasn’t there. She’s a keep part of my experiences in the past several years. 2. Afraid I wouldn’t be able to find someone like her. I’m attracted to her, she’s skinny (sorry, I can’t do chubby girls), she makes a ton of money, she never wanted a wedding or a wedding ring (I’ve always been against the idea of spending a ton of money on jewelry, and I’ve always dreaded the idea of having a wedding, so I lucked out with her), she likes to travel, hike, watch shows with me, etc. If I found another girl I’m sure she could be “better” than my wife in some ways but in other ways she might be much worst (almost certainly she’d have a lower income, she’d probably want a fancy ring and a big wedding, or she’d be chubby which is a non starter) 3. Even if I felt like I could find a girl who’s overall “better” than my wife, I think it’ll take a massive amount of effort going through the dating scene to find this girl, and number two even more effort to make sure I can whoo this girl enough to make sure I lock her down. Fact of the matter is, one of the benefits of marriage is that you don’t have to worry about some small little argument or disagreement screwing up your relationship. Whereas if you’re just dating someone you’re going to be on your best behavior because otherwise they’ll walk away from you without really losing anything. Right now I work at Amazon as a software engineer. I’ve been meaning to leave for another company to get a pay raise, but the interview process is so incredibly soul sucking. I never want to go through it again. That’s how I see the dating scene. I think the casual sex and “new relationship energy” would be fun. But the amount of effort it takes to date people sounds miserable. So I say all that to say that in theory I would not live in a place I hate, just to be with someone I love. But in reality, I wouldn’t blame you if you did. If I were you, I’d go through hell and high water to find some sort of compromise. For example maybe she wants to live in that city because all her friends and family are there. But if you dig deeper, maybe it’s only her parents that she really cares about all that much. So in that case if you can find a way for her parents to relocate to another city you like then your wife would naturally go along with it. That might mean you have to financially bankroll her parents. So in that case you have to decide if it’s worth it or not.
Can you agree that it is temporary and chalk it up to an adventure? Meaning share your need to live in other places to be happy , but you can go back? Either way, you need to be open and discuss it. And do not insult the place. Just that your vision was to see and live in lots of exciting places etc… and you hope they can share your desire.
No, couples therapy intern. When you give up parts of yourself to make someone else happy down the road many couples build resentment that destroys their relationship. Obviously there are nuances that help or hinder. If it’s out of no possibility ñets day career opportunities, an agreement to be x number of years and then you choose where to live would lessen the chances of resentment down the road. I say this because if a client says they moved somewhere they hate for their partner it makes me wonder what else do they do that they are not happy with to make them happy. I then asked them why is your happiness second? Are there negotiations in place for what you need. Are your needs being met etc. overall its about not losing yourself in the relationship but the relationship supporting who you want to be as a person.
I did and if he was safe and happy so was I.
I guess I do. My husband is in the military; he drags me everywhere he goes. That means I have to find new friends, new jobs, new everything every couple of years, but I have accepted the fact that part of loving him is making this sacrifice.
No. A relationship won’t work if you had to do something you absolutely hate. It would constantly eat at you and only cause problems
In theory, as long as there is high speed internet, it is within range of delivery logistics network and basic services and shops at decent quality are present - it's not that bad. But life isn't just about love, but also job, carrier, friends, social endeavors, communities, hobbies, creative pursuits and self-actualisation in general. You might probably consider splitting your time accordingly, find a place you like, schedule and do some things on your own, so you wouldn't missed completely on other aspects of your life - you don't have to do things together all the time anyway and it might be healthy for your relationship from the longer perspective, as you will not be frustrated with place you do not like. It's a small world and traveling is quite easy nowadays. Just talk about it openly, figure out what's what.
Depends. How much do you hate it? I would have to REALLLLLLY hate it and have had endless convos and attempts to compromise that didn't work. Otherwise, I'd put up with it for sure.
Yes. My husband is my home so I’m home anywhere as long as I’m with him. He was military when we met so I knew going into the relationship we were going to be places we didn’t like and I didn’t care as long as I was with him. We can make any place home.
i don’t understand why i hate it? if i am with the love of my life i wouldn’t care tbh.
I think you can’t just rely on one person for happiness - since he’s the only reason to move he has to take on the role of a friend, family member and boyfriend in one
Why would the love of my life want me to live somewhere I hate forever? They’re not the love of my life then.
Have you already tried living there? I think that you need to live there first to see.
A relationship should involve communication and compromise on both sides. If they won't budge, or consider any option, it is just the beginning of your unhappiness.
Depends on your disposition towards life and relationships, really. I'm a relationship oriented idealist, so I would stay with my partner if we had to live in a dumpster, and I'd just be happy because we're together 🤷🏻♀️ but I get that not everyone feels that way. What's more problematic to me is if you guys can't find common ground where you agree on an ideal place to live together. If they want to move rural and you like a city better sit down and talk about it in a mature way. Pros and cons of each. Find common ground. Figure out a place that works for both of you. The point isn't to try to get as close as to your own ideal as possible. It's to understand why their ideal is ideal for them, to understand it fully, and then negotiate it so that your joint future is actually ideal for both of you. If you can not see eye to eye on something like this, it could be a sign of a deeper incompatibility or lack of willingness on one or both sides to compromise selfish ideals for the good of the other or the collective. But I wouldn't give up if you truly love them and want the best for them. Just keep working through it and try to find something you would both be happy with. Introspect a lot as well to see if the things you seek from a residence are self-centered or relationship-centered and adjust your expectations accordingly. And then communicate with as much respect, care, peace, and open-mindedness as possible for the best chance at a win-win scenario. I would like to say that the original question is extremely succinct, though, and extra information about why the move was proposed, who proposed it, and why, could change perceptions and judgments of the situation.
Yeah, because as long as we'd be together than that's all that would matter.
I’d be ok anywhere as long as I’m with him.
watch Anatomy of a Fall
Hell no.